Two In The Think Tank - 41 - REAL BUSINESS IDEA - With Matt Stewart

Episode Date: December 18, 2014

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Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ethereal? Oh, look, if I knew what it meant, I would definitely use it. Yeah? Yeah, but it was experimental is the word I would have used. Look, I wouldn't let it slow you down, not knowing what it means. Yeah, acapella experimental. Great. Hello, guys. Welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. Today with me in the tank is Alistair.

Hello. Alistair. Hello. Alistair John Lee-Burchwell, nice to meet you. And also joining us is housemate, friend, comedy compadre, and colleague, and his own person. In his own right. In his own right.

And good on him. Yeah, he's been nailing it for about 30 years, 31 years. Thank you. Nailing it. Look at this kid. Yeah. Look at this toddler. He's absolutely nailing it.

Yeah. They call you the Hammer. They call him the Hammer. At least they will. They call him Hammo. Hammo. There's actually a court case pending about that. We probably shouldn't talk about it.

Matt Stewart. Hi, Matt. Hi, Andy and Al. court case pending about that. We probably shouldn't talk about it. Matt Stewart. Hi, Matt. Hi, Andy and Al. Hello to you, Matthew. Thanks for having me. It's really nice to be here in my place. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It's nice to have you at a slightly higher level than we normally have you in the warehouse. Taking you up a notch. We tapped Matt on the shoulder and we said, Matt, are you ready to take it to the next level? I feel like I'm flying with angels. Yeah. And for those who don't know, the place where we record is on a...

What do we call this place? Mezzanine. Mezzanine, yeah. So it's sort of like a South American indoor pergola. Yeah, South American. Yeah. Do angels fly? Question.

Do angels fly? Well, they've got wings. They do have wings. You're right. They probably do fly. They never seem to use them to fly when you see them flying. They certainly don't have to, like, flap them. I would have thought with that kind of a body mass,

you would have to flap the wings fairly quickly to get into air. I think they're similar to Superman's cape. Right. It's not really doing anything, but it looks cool when he's flying. It does look cool. They flap in the wind. The wings sort of just flap.

They flap because of the wind, not helping them fly. Right. Yeah. But do angels have those kind of hollow bones like a bird? And do they have a cloaca? Here's what I think, right? Cloaca, the body part most commonly referenced on 2 in the think tank. Yeah, well, we love talking about cloacas because I think frogs have them.

Yep. And birds. And birds. And some people. I imagine probably a tortoise. Yeah. What is a cloaca? It's like a butthole and a vagina at the same time. some people. I imagine probably a tortoise. Yeah. What is it called? A clowacker?

It's like a butthole and a vagina at the same time. I got one of them. Yeah. In my top drawer. Yeah. Oh, you got to have... Imagine that. You know those rubber vaginas? You get a rubber clowacker.

You get a rubber clowacker. Yeah. Well, you know, it's all about multi multifunctionality these days, isn't it? Yeah. Consolidation. It's like, why would you have a watch when you could have... A smartphone. A smartphone.

Yeah, and why would you have a rubber vagina when you could get something that is two in one, rubber vagina, rubber asshole, and a bird's anus. All in one. All in one All in one Okay I was going to say about the angels Is that because they have no mass Because they're dead They just use the

Angels aren't dead Yeah, angels are dead Are they alive? No, because angels God created angels before he created men Yeah, but I think he had to kill them. He killed them. He made them and then he killed them.

And then he put them up into heaven. Dead. Yeah. Because he... It's the only way to do it. Or could he make things dead first? Could he make them dead? Yeah.

Because I think that's why you can't see them. Because they're dead. You can. You can see angels. Yeah, only when you paint them. Only when you paint them. Yeah. Only touched by an angel angel.

Angel angel. But, okay, fine. So I just thought if you had no mass, then the wings would just sort of direct you. You know, direct you while you fly. Okay. So they're steering. Yeah, they're steering. They might be steering. It's like Buzz Lightyear. It's falling with style. You know, direct you while you fly. Okay. So they're steering. Yeah, they're steering. They might be steering.

It's like Buzz Lightyear. It's falling with style. It's kind of like a rudder. It's a rudder. The air rudder. They're fins. They're ailerons. Ailerons?

Matt? Matt? Yes, ailerons. Sounds like they're more gliders than flyers. Yeah. So are you saying that they were born dead? Like angels are all stillborn? Is that what you mean?

They're either stillborns, right? They're either born stillborns or God gives birth to them and then kills them. God doesn't give birth to them. God doesn't give birth to angels. Not how he makes them. That's how he made the world. Does God have a cloaca? God

had a cloaca and he gave birth to the world. I think the earth was an egg. That's why it's round. Okay. And it had a shell around it. But it's not tapered, so it must have been a bit harder for him to push out. You know how, like, the... I reckon that's why he made chicken's eggs tapered.

Because when he excreted the world, God would have said, Okay, well, I'm never going to put anyone else through this. I'm going to make him at least have a bit of a... It was kind of like a mother turtle. He just squatted over a pit, which is what we now know as the universe. The pit we know as existence. And Earth was an egg. It was round like a turtle egg.

You know they talk about that primordial soup. Well, that was yolk. And then eventually the numerous asteroids and stuff hit us and that broke away the shell and then we kind of were able to develop. But for a while we were just feeding on our own yolk and just

kind of brewing in there. Well, yeah, we are feeding on the resources on Earth. But soon we're going to use all of those up. We're going to have to go elsewhere. It's time to grow up and stop using the Earth for resources and get some from other planets. In a way, the metaphor of the turtle that lays an egg on the beach isn't too bad for God because God is like...

Mother turtles are much like God, non-interventionist in the way that they will lay the egg and then they'll piss off back into the ocean. And then we come struggling out into the beach of life and try and make it to the ocean, which I presume is heaven. And many of us get picked off by pelicans and other large seabirds. And we never make it to heaven. We never make it to heaven because we get picked off by the gulls.

And eventually we grow up and then give birth to another world yeah that's why does that oh that's what happens in turtles in in my my life yeah and but also i mean isn't isn't uh i Isn't writing a story creating a universe in which others can exist? Maybe not. Well, look, I don't know the precise ins and outs. I think it's cruel because the turtles trying to crawl across a bench do look hilarious. A bench or a beach. Those little baby turtles trying to crawl across the beach. They flap away and they scurry along in a very humorous fashion.

But it is very much a life and death struggle. That is their no man's land. That is their song. That is their SOM. So it would be like if all the soldiers that we sent out in trench warfare were wearing clown outfits and scuba flippers. So they looked sillier. So they look ridiculous. And then...

Would that heighten the tragedy of war, do you think? Like a lot of dead clowns? Is that a thing that we're looking to do to heighten the tragedy of war? Well, it would make for better photographs. I think more interesting photographs, post-war war photography. It would definitely heighten the futility of war and draw attention to it. So that can only be good in the long run.

There was so much futile money spent at costume shops. Yes. Just think of the loss. Yeah, I like that. I think it's an investment now and it's going to be more tragic and probably more people will die in the short run. But in the long run,

when we look back at war, it'll be much harder to glorify it if the people are dressed more ridiculously. Okay, so it's short-term pain, long-term, well, short-term humor slash pain, long-term gain slash peace. Andy, I think you might be onto something. I'm onto something. I mean, when you watch, when you look at those Nazis dressed in their Hugo Boss, it's hard to not want to be one. Was it Hugo Boss that made those costumes for the Nazis?

Costumes. I'll call them costumes. They went down to the costume shop and they said, do you have any Nazi costumes? And they went, well, we've just got a shipment in because some British playwright said he

ordered a whole bunch because he was going to make a thing about the Nazis And then It got cancelled And then we've been left with all these extra costumes So anyway So thanks for coming along Yeah Look, I don't know how we turn it into a sketch

But I think the Making military Uniforms Military Sillier Sillitary Military Uniforms Cilia Cilitary Uniforms I think there's something in it

Matt, what do you think? So you're gonna So this means that the UN Or someone's gonna agree Get everyone to sign some sort of a treaty Saying that they're all gonna do it Because it feels like the first country to do it is at a real disadvantage. They are, yes.

So that's obviously, it takes enormous courage. Yeah. Well, I think if you get everybody in NATO signed up to it, you know, then that's multiple countries. So then there's many countries going at it at once. Maybe we'll start with the one between Australia and New Zealand. Yeah. The ANZACs?

Well, not the... Oh, the war between Australia and New Zealand. Yeah. The Anzacs? Well, not the... Oh, the war between Australia and New Zealand. That, yes. The unspoken war. There's a military thing. We have a thing. We have a thing. We have a cooperation of some kind between Australia...

Maybe it is the Anzac Treaty. Yeah, it could be the Anzac Treaty. Maybe it could be the... What a Treaty. Maybe it could be the... What a treat. Warsaw Treaty? Really puts the treat in treaty. The Anzac Treaty. The biscuits.

Yeah. Everybody gets minties. I was going to say fan tales. That was going to be my... Yeah, those two. Yeah. Yeah, for some reason, when you were talking about

the turtles going across the beach, I was thinking about... You know, like, did you ever play the, I only played this level, the first level of Medal of Honor, I think? Mm-hmm. Was it Medal of Honor or the other one? COD? Call of Duty? Maybe Call of Duty, and it was on.

Metal Gear Solid? No, no, no. I think it's either Call of Duty or the other one. Assassin's Creed. Wait, no. Battletoads? No. Hungry, hungry armies.

No, that's definitely not it. And the first scene was on a D-Day thing. D-Day landing. Come out of a U-boat. Is that what they're called? Those U-boats? I always think that they're U-boats because... No, I think a U-boat was a German submarine was a U-boat.

Oh, right. You see, because they kind of look like U's. They do look like a U's. They're all standing in there, and then they're standing on sort of the base inner part of the U, and then the walls... I think that's an amphibious landing craft. Yeah. They should rename those the U-boats based on what they look like. We're going to have to go through

a lot of textbooks. There's a lot being written about this. If you look at the engineering cross-section. I could be wrong. But yeah, so you played that game. Anyway, and I thought that would be, if turtles were to make a version of that, it would be the opposite. Rather than going from the water to the beach, up the beach,

they'd be going from the beach down. But it would be a very similar situation. Yeah, like what's their word for the opposite of a landing? A takeoff. A watering. An oceaning. A moistening. A moistening.

Yeah. It was the great moistening. Yeah. The D-Day moistening. Off we go. Back into the U-boats. Back underwater. Back into the U-boats. Back underwater. Back into the U-ies.

Pull a U-ie in a U-boat. So I think I might have missed the start. Are you saying that they're going to dress as turtles? Okay. Well, look, quite possibly. The turtles will. I think a turtle dressed as a turtle, possibly a turtle in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume.

Adorable. Very funny idea, right? Very hard to shoot one of those. Dog dressed as a dog, dog in a dog onesie, cat in a cat onesie. Hilarious. Maybe a human onesie. Let's make some of those.

A onesie, we could call it. Anyway, first person. And, no, I'm saying that we dress people in the army up in silly costumes, possibly flippers and silly wigs, that sort of thing, so that it's harder to glorify war in the future. So when we look back... I was reading, or listening anyway, that's the new version of reading, about the First World War,

and apparently at the start, the French were the last ones to get in the car keys and stuff. So everyone else is in army green. Yep. And the French are still in bright blue and red uniforms with horsehair hats. I feel like maybe that's pretty ridiculous. Could we just go back to where it was before?

That's true. We still... Yeah, I mean... That was fairly ridiculous. Like riding around on horses, that's kind of ridiculous, isn where it was before. That's true. We still... Yeah, I mean... That was fairly ridiculous. Riding around on horses, that's kind of ridiculous, isn't it? Yeah. Way to draw attention to yourself. But that's funny, the conversation between the people who were designing the red and blue uniforms

and are saying, well, we need to be able to see where each other are. You don't want to lose. It's like soccer. You want to know who you're passing it to. Yeah, that's right. If everybody's in green and camo. But it turned out it just made them a lot easier to shoot. That's the problem.

When you're easier to save, you're also easier to shoot. Yeah, but you really don't need saving until after you've been shot. So maybe we'll cross that bridge when we come to it and everyone can go out there in green and just be harder to shoot in the first place. And maybe you should just be a better member of your army community and just get to know the people who are around. Exactly. And just know people by their gait.

That is how you recognise people, isn't it? A lot of the time it's by their gait. That is how you recognize people, isn't it? A lot of the time it's by their gait. Their physicality. Yeah. Yeah. How would you describe your gait, Al? I would say sort of Neanderthal-y. I'd say I kind of have like slacker slash Neanderthal.

Slacker Neanderthal. Yeah, like a slacker-thal. Like a Neanderthal, butacker Neanderthal. Like a slackerthal. Like a Neanderthal, but one without a job. Is that what Gamergate was? It was just a nerd, how they walk? Is that what that was? Gate.

Gamergate. You see? Yeah. G-A-I-T. What about Watergate? Change the meaning of gate. Watergate is what it's like when you try and walk into the ocean wearing flippers. Sorry, I bring everything back to flippers. Flippers, Andy.

Can you just write down the word flippers? Yeah, no, why? Oh. Yeah, no, why? Just help me get it out of my system. Andy, it's out. Say it three times. Good.

Flippers, flippers, flippers. One more time? Flippers. All right. And flipper comes out of the mirror and then attacks it. It's quite a good dolphin. Oh, it's not a great one. No?

But in the moment, I can understand why. You know, you didn't expect it. Yeah. You got hit by something that sounded a bit like a dolphin, and you're like, man, I am shocked. It's definitely the thing that I've heard that's the most like a dolphin probably in the last 24 hours but I also gave you a cue by saying flipper yeah you did there was a in Tasmania yeah you

could go down to the wharf and you could get fish and chips from a floating punt called flippers and it was shaped a little bit like a big fish and that was where I always wanted to get my fish because it was shaped in a humorous way. So a floating punt? Yeah, a punt. A floating punt. I mean, probably floating punts are the only kind of punt. So when they talk about punt road, do you think they're referring to the boat? Is it a fish-shaped boat? Is that what a punt is? A punt is just like a sort of a big, boring boat. Yeah. Do you think they're referring to a boat? Is it a fish-shaped boat?

Is that what a punt is? A punt is just like a sort of a big, boring boat. Yeah. Doesn't have any... Doesn't have any... But when you shape it like a fish, then it loses its boringness. And becomes an object of fascination for a small child.

Yeah. Also, I like fish and chips. Yeah, of course. But, you know, not just any old fish and chips. No, no, no. I want fish and chips served from within a thing that looks like a and chips. Yeah, of course. But, you know, not just any old fish and chips. No, no, no. I want fish and chips served from within a thing that looks like a larger fish.

When I eat fish and chips, I rather fish and chips from the fish pond. Yeah. Anyway. I think things that come from things that look like things, you know, it's just good.

It's just synergy. That orange juice place that's shaped like a giant orange yeah you ever been to those exactly i think i've been to one of those it's preparing your mind right because much like you with the flipper thing just then you've got to lay your groundwork okay you've got to be like you've got to get people thinking about fish yeah right so like they're it's all consuming it's like they look okay it looks like a fish yeah tastes like a fish it's probably a fish that was a big problem for guys who sold fish when swimming was invented because

people would go to the beach into the ocean and things like that normally they're just be thinking about fish because you go ocean that's where you get your fish yeah they're gonna come and then they're gonna see me I'm selling fish you know then they'll know because what am i doing you know that's the only reason people are near the ocean is to sell fish or eat fish yeah right but then somebody invented swimming and then they see the ocean then suddenly they got other things on their mind recreation uh lounging around and absorbing the radiation of the sun yes uh back when swimming was invented, as you say.

And then suddenly he needed something to bring people's minds back to fish. And so they invented the fish ship. Snap out of it. Yeah. Come on. You know what this is about. Fish. And he's called his first fish shop Snap Out of It.

Snap her out of it. Snap her out of it. Snap her out of it. Snap her out of it. Snap her out of it. Snap her out of it. Snap her out of it. It was initially just aimed at women. Yeah. Men getting their women to eat fish again.

Snap her out of it. There was, because, you know, there was fishermen, right? And there were fishmongers. But their wives were called fishwives. Right? That was the thing. The monger and his wife. Yeah, fishwife.

An old fishwife. Really? Right, yeah. But the fishwives, somewhat disappointingly, weren't actual fish. They had taken as brides. By and large. I mean, as a rule. I don't want to rule it out.

Out of all the sad things from history, that is definitely one of them. Yeah. That fish wives weren't actually fish. Yeah. Cow wife. Does that farmers get that? Tree wife. Bench.

Sort of marble bench wife. Marble bench wife. Animal husbandry wife? It's bad enough having to take your husbandry wife. It's bad enough having to take your husband's surname without having to take his profession as well. Oh, I know. Or just the thing that he goes out and drags out of the ocean.

Yeah, oh, you hear about Kelly Oxford? Yeah, well, she married Barry, and so now she's Kelly McLaughlin Fishwife. The Fishwife. Yeah, the Fishwife. We've come a long way. Yeah, FW is how they would inscribe it at the end of the year. Anyway, she's very progressive.

They've agreed to hyphenate their surname. Senator. So it's now Kelly McLaughlin hyphen fisherman hyphen fishwife. Hyphen Oxford. Hyphen Oxford. Yeah. Because that was her first name. Was it? I couldn't remember.

It's okay. It saved you. Saved me. Yeah. Lucky you got a guy with a big net here. Okay. Can we do other things with... Are you going to write something down?

I don't know. I don't know if I i have permission but maybe we can just go to seven i'm going to write down the other the when people invented swimming that it really took away from the fishmonger okay great what else are you going to do in the ocean yeah when you're down by the ocean you're going to buy fish you're coming going to buy fish. You're coming down to buy fish. We're losing market share. Okay, this is good. And then we can like, we could sort of parody maybe like a high-powered advertising slash marketing meeting with them deciding on ways to remind people about the existence of fish. Matt, what were you going to say?

I was just wondering around what time this would be set. When do you think? Fishing was invented? Swimming was invented. I think about 1890. 1890, yeah would be set. When do you think... Fishing was invented? Swimming was invented. I think about 1890. 1890, yeah, good time. Come on, guys. Jesus was a fisherman.

Yeah. He wasn't a swimmer. Oh, he wasn't a swimmer. In fact, he walked on water, proving that swimming hadn't been invented. But then you think, so then was it just not that impressive at the time? So back in the day, that was just what was done. Well, they just couldn't picture anything else. Well, yeah, nobody went into the water.

Yeah. Hyphenating surnames, right? Can we do something else with the hyphenating concept? Like, you know, when you're progressive and your couple gets married, you hyphenate the surname. Could we do something else with that, where two things come together, and because they're quite progressive, they're going to hyphenate it? Their jobs, say. One, the man's a doctor.

Yes. And the woman is a... Woman. Woman. Is some sort of a fish and chip shop attendee, right? So then they hyphenate their jobs and then they both become fish and chip shop doctors. Possibly.

I wasn't thinking with people, though. I was thinking maybe when companies do a merger or when you make a sandwich. Or maybe it was more specific. Maybe when they got married, it was fish and chip shop podiatrist. I think this could be something, Andy.

This isn't what I wanted at all, guys. You know, right at the back you just had the fish and chip shop, right? You got your greasy people who work there, which is either you or your wife. Yeah. And maybe her cousins. Your wife and her cousins.

Yeah. They grease themselves up before they start working Yeah. And maybe her cousins? Mm-hmm. Your wife and her cousins. Yeah. They grease themselves up before they start working? Because you've got to look greasy, don't you? Yeah, you do. Yeah, to match the food. Or else there's an incongruity and people go in there not feeling good and they don't buy as much fish and chips. Exactly.

Because it's all about the incongruity. And then as you get to the back... Well, the outside of the building has to be greasy as well and covered in batter. Yeah, and shaped like a fish. In a way, render, concrete render is like batter for buildings. Yeah, that's why. Get people thinking about fish. Yeah, that's why you've got to have pictures of fish on it.

Sometimes fish get tattoos of fish. So that's what you're mimicking. And then at the back, the very back of the fish and chip shop, next to the sort fridge, there's a door and some seats where you can wait. And then you go in there, doctor's office. Actually, the idea of a fish and chip shop that is a waiting room for a doctor's office is a fantastic idea. Yeah, you like that? I really like the idea because those waiting rooms are the worst, right? But if you could also be waiting for your fish and chips while you're there.

Yeah. Fantastic. They tell you you're a little bit sad that you're sick, and they'll give you a wing and say, have a potato cake. Have a potato cake. Oh, an extra potato cake. Yeah.

And then you get to just go into the doctor's office whilst eating a battered salve. Yeah. They call out your number. It's like number 72, a grilled flake, minimum chips, and a colonoscopy. And your x-rays are done. And your x-rays are done. We've wrapped up the flake in your x-rays.

Look, this is not a sketch idea, but I'm writing down... Business idea. Business idea. This is a definite sketch idea, but I'm writing down... Business idea. Business idea. This is a definite business idea. Real business idea. Genuine... Idea. I shit you not.

Fish in chip shop. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor chips. Great. Chips Great Chips while you wait Doctor's office Chips while you wait for the doctor's office

If you've gone in there Because you've been a victim of battery Obviously it might be a little traumatic Battery Because everything's battered Everything's already battery Yeah You're going to be constantly reminded

Or similarly if you go in there And you've been grilled I don't know Do you think if you go in there And then the person's like Oh sorry about this bit of fish And you go Why?

And you go Well it's It's covered in batter Yeah Well it's battery in batter. Yeah. Well, it's batter-y. Like what you're the victim of. Sorry about that.

Oh, yeah. When you put it like that, that does hurt me a lot. Not as much as the batter-y, though. So I guess I'll be all right. Look, I've just got to say this because it's in my mind. I just like the idea of someone who's got a chip on their shoulder and they have an actual chip on their shoulder. That's all I wanted to say.

That guy, I don't like that guy. He's got a chip on his shoulder. And then a seagull attacks him. He's always got seagulls following him around. Nobody likes someone with a chip on their shoulder, except for seagulls following him around. Nobody likes someone with a chip on their shoulder, except for seagulls. They love that guy. Andy, I think you just got yourself a tweet.

I just got myself a tweet. I mean, look, we could probably spin it out to another 30 minutes and make it into a short film or maybe a TV series. I'll call HBO, see how they're interested. Is anybody watching True Detective? No, but the first one or. Is anybody watching True Detective? No, but the first one or is there a new second season? Yeah, any of it.

I don't think they've made the second season yet. Okay, I haven't seen the first one. I haven't seen the first season. Matt? No, I've seen none of it. Is that the McConaughey one? Yeah, Matthew McConaughey. And Woody Harrelson, right? Yes.

I'd love to see it. I know, it sounds great, doesn't it? It's the EdTV team back together again. Are they both in EdTV? Yeah, they were the brothers on EdTV, I'm pretty sure. It sounds great, doesn't it? It's the Ed TV team back together again. Are they both in Ed TV? Yeah, they were the brothers on Ed TV, I'm pretty sure. Was that a movie, Ed TV? Yeah. I remember watching the trailer for Ed TV and thinking,

that looks great. I really want to see that. Have you seen it? Yeah. Is it good? Yeah, it's pretty all right. Yeah? It's like, it was out around the same time as Truman Show.

And I think it, you know how the movies often come out in pairs? Yeah. That was a much more it was like a cameraman following him around he'd signed away his life

and it was fun for a while like Truman Show without the concept yeah but it was like I was capturing the idea of a

reality TV before it kind of became a big thing but when you think of movies coming out in pairs with similar ideas what's the classic

example bugs life and ants yeah really absolutely is that really what you guys all the two capotes i think of uh armageddon yeah uh deep armageddon and deep impact that's the one i think about i think that's probably the the yeah yeah they always come in pairs movies you know yeah um transformers and uh the those guys the giant robots that attack things i okay how about this Come in pairs movies You know Yeah Transformers And Those guys The giant robots That attack things I Okay

How about this Is like a Pacific Rim Pacific Rim Yeah Rim Pacific How about this Is a concept

For a series of films Right We remake classic films But we completely Missed the point Yeah Okay that's good So like

We remake the Truman Show But we completely Missed the point I Yeah, okay, that's good. So, like, we remake the Truman Show, but we completely missed the point. I think there's something, like, really good in that idea. So the whole thing is just us perving on Jim Carrey? Or, like, it's Jim Carrey, but we present it as if it's just, like, really great because he gets to be a celebrity and his life's pretty all right.

But we get to see him nude. Yeah But we get to see him nude. Yeah, we get to see him nude occasionally and that's pretty fun as well. The Truman Show. And it's great being famous. The Truman Show, subtitle, It's Great to Be Famous. Sometimes it's great to be famous

even when you don't know about it. Yeah. How cool is this? Yeah, I like that titanic what a fantastic boat ride but right look at these costumes like so actually wait remake the titanic but don't show this the scene where it's sinking yeah just show uh up until that point but you also focus on how much fun they're having on the boat. The end is just them sailing off into the distance. The boat's obscuring the iceberg.

Yeah, you just film it from the wrong angle. Jurassic Park, what a great day out. Jurassic Park, the science in this is amazing amazing Imagine if they could actually do this How great would that be How interesting are dinosaurs Yeah I think that I think there's a thing in that

I think look Even if you didn't do it as sketches You could just do it as a series of movie titles And then Like the subtitles you know or the taglines for the movies and so you just like maybe just mock up some dvd covers and you just put them up as like missing the point movies yeah and then it's like the truman show how great is it to be famous i had always thought of something where you kind of like you take a famous work and you kind of say like you have

the arrogance of going look i fixed it for you yeah and like so like you could take famous artworks and famous songs and things like that and just change some stuff and go see it's better now yeah uh memento put it all in the right order yeah it's like what the fuck yeah jesus this was a disaster yeah it's really hard to follow. It was too complicated, yeah. Yeah. I took the sixth sense, and I just made it a bit clearer early on what was going on. Because you don't know that he's dead for most of it. It's fucked.

Luckily, somebody told me about it before I went into the movie. And that way I could follow it. But that would have been really difficult to follow if i like all those scenes earlier on where like he was having trouble with his wife and stuff they wouldn't have made any sense yeah if i hadn't known like all that stuff about like why he was the only the kid was the only person he spoke to in the film why does his wife why was she so like sad all the time yeah anyway uh i fixed it fixed it. Fixed this for you. Yeah. It's quite a similar idea.

And it works. You could merge the two quite satisfactorily and then hyphenate them. And we'll get a hyphenated credit. So it's kind of like a big room where you remake films and miss the point. But if you go out the back near the Coke fridge, there's a door there, kind of a waiting area. If you go back there,

there's an office in there in which people fix things for you. Yeah. Classic bits of art. Is that an expression of chip off the old block? Chip. Chip off the old block. That's a beautiful feeling sentence.

Don't you think that the consonants and the sounds in that... Imagine. ...chip off the old block? I just thought of this, so I've got to say it. Imagine if the chip off the old block was an actual chip. I feel like I'm being parodied on my own podcast. I'm being mocked.

Wait, sorry, Annie. Go on now. Podcast. I'm being mocked. Wait. Sorry, Annie. Go on now. And so it was like a dad, right? And his son was a chip off the old block, which is he's like his dad, but they've cut out the part of the dad.

That was a chip. That was a chip. Well, maybe the chip was on his shoulder. That it they've knocked it off yeah and then he called it his son you hurt my son that bird has just stolen my son and then he goes on a quest to try to get his son basically finding nemo do you think anyone ever refers to the former Yugoslavia as a chip off the eastern block? Yeah, that's good. Andy, that's another tweet.

You've written two tweets today. I've written two tweets today. What was the first one again? Chip off the old block. No one talked about it. Popping the seagull. Chip on the shoulder block. No one's happy about it. Apart from the seagull. Apart from the seagull, yeah. Chip on the shoulder.

Yeah. That thing. Look, I'm doing really well. Look, I feel like there's a story there with the old chip on the old shoulder and then there's chip off the old block. I don't know how you would actually explain that he now thinks that it's his son.

I'm feeling the kind of sadness about the idea. I'm feeling this is a very familiar sadness that I feel about this idea, which makes me feel like maybe I've suggested exactly this terrible idea on the podcast before and we've had this same conversation. You know, like I'm feeling like a kind of deja vu, but like hyphenated with regret. Yeah. And it's just, you know, I feel like I've regretted this before.

Yeah. Déjà regretted. Yeah. Yeah. Déjà rue. Rue. Andre Rue. Andre Rue.

And Déjà rue. Yes. It's a cover band. He just plays the songs of Andre Roux. Actually, Andre Roux is kind of like a Deja Roux because he plays old classics. Yeah, like Waltzing Matilda.

What a guy. I don't really know much about him, but his hair's silly. Oh, that's what passes for political discourse in this country. Am I right? You're not right? But we do look at people And we say well I don't have anything

Specific That I have formed a coherent argument To disagree with you on But you do have silly hair And I don't like that shirt I still feel like most of them Even though I In the end, because

all the parties are not that different anyway, what it comes down to is, I don't like that guy's face. Yeah. I mean, it kind of does. Like, I mean, because let's say this last government that's got in, they promised all sorts of things.

Right? And they haven't done a lot of the 12 broken promises i think we're at two now well it depends on who you well you believe promise tracker yeah okay i believe them yeah and uh on abc you can trust them yeah and uh and my initial uh instinct was i don't like that guy's face. He looks dishonest. Yep. And so far that gut instinct has been right. Even when he's been saying things that are true, I feel like it's been

dishonest. Gut instinct. Yeah. Like a movie called Gut Instinct. Yeah. It's It's like a guy eating like three day, like meat that's three days past its best before date Yeah

It's just like nah it feels like it's gonna be right Like that Got instinct What was Basic Instinct about? Was it a crime thriller of some description? Yeah I think Sharon Stone was a murderer and a novelist Yep And she wrote about murders maybe And then That's synergy of some description. Yeah, I think Sharon Stone was a murderer and a novelist. Yep. And she wrote about murders, maybe.

Oh, that's synergy. Then she had sex with Michael Douglas. Oh, is that what that was? And then I think she uncrossed her legs at one point. Yeah, she did. She uncrossed and recrossed. And recrossed, sorry.

Yeah, she also recrossed. What was... I always mistake that name, Basic Instinct, with that other one, which also has kind of like a blonde lady in it, but she's like a... Cruel Intentions. No, no, no.

Wild Things. No, neither of those. Sharon Stone. No. It's something like Basic Instinct, or Instinct, maybe, and then it's like, but the beautiful woman is like an alien. She's like an alien. Oh. And she like... Human Instinct? Human Instinct. maybe. But the beautiful woman is like an alien. She's like an alien. Human instinct?

Is it alien? I don't think so. It's not that. Cone heads? Mysterious skin? No, I don't think so. Where Scarlett Johansson plays an alien. And she's got weird skin.

Like they didn't get the skin right? What's it called? Mysterious skin. Like she's somewhere in kind of uncanny valley. What's with that? Those things that you see online about the, you know, 25-year-old woman discovers one weird trick, looks 25, doctors hate her, dermatologists hate her, all that stuff.

What can we do with that shit? Because it really annoys me. I wonder why... The hate that she gets. That annoys you. I think it's unfair. And the doctors. Doctors, come on.

I mean, they're professionals. Yeah. What are they hating? And if it works, I'm sure doctors could sell it. Yeah. I mean, they'd find a way. Yeah. They'd be prescribing it.

I mean... Everyone would be at the doctor saying, can you get me this face trick? That makes you... One weird trick. One weird trick that makes you hate me. I would love to go to a doctor and you see the doctor writing down on the prescription pad,

one weird trick. Take this down to the chemist. Anyway, go to the one weird trick aisle. They'll be able to fix you up. Anyway, do the trick once a day what do you what do you picture when you think does anyone know what the weird trick is of a flat belly one weird trick of a flat belly has anyone ever clicked on one of those things i think you've got to pay you click and then i probably have clicked and then you got to pay some sort of subscription

yeah i would imagine it involves maybe rubbing a stone on your belly. That is a weird trick. Yeah. If anybody knows what the weird trick is of a flat belly, we would tweet at us. Tweet at stupid old Andy. Is it diet and exercise? Alistair TB. TB.

And Matt Stew Art. Underscore between the stew and the art. Yeah. Turns out Matt Stewart's a pretty common name pretty name that's more common than matt stewart is matt sing really yeah s-i-n-g-h it's a really actually that was the one that i tried as well yeah matt sings good luck the blues taken so but yeah I'd like to know what the weird trick is but well that's that's how they get you um how much would you pay to know you're not gonna pay to know are you let's all should

probably pay a dollar if you could just tell me right now what the weird trick is that's not a bad business plan. So you just pay once, right, for the subscription, and then you just charge everyone a dollar. I've got the weird trick. That's good. Maybe you could sell it on eBay, what the trick is. One weird trick, never used.

It does kind of feel immaculate, as new. You might buy the trick and then maybe let your friends know, and the weird trick might get out eventually. Yeah, and it would cease to be weird. Yeah. Well, once it gets accepted as the norm. How weird do you think it could be? Do you think it involves sacrificing a cat?

I was thinking cats and somersaults somehow. But that's just my gut instinct. Stop crossing your legs like that, Matt. You're making me uncomfortable. I wonder whether maybe it involves one of those machines that would wobble your ass back in the day. Remember those?

Those things that people used to think would help them lose weight. They just kept standing in front of it and it kind of like goes... Do you remember the Rev Ad when they had the cows all exercising and one of the cows was getting that wobble machine? Do you remember that? No.

It's like you guys have never seen anything. What's Rev? Yeah. Come on. Rev is a low-fat milk. Is that right? Yeah, it's kind of blue-colored. Really?

I think that's. The container. I tell you. No, the milk. Is it really? Yeah, it's a slightly bluer... Oh, because the container's red. Yeah.

Yeah, with a blue stripe. All those old school low-fat milks always had a weird blue colour. That's so bizarre. I wonder if it's bruising. Yeah. It's bruised. This milk is bruised. Yeah.

I think there's something in the one weird trick thing, guys. Yeah, but we haven't found it yet. We haven't found it yet. Maybe there's, like, you know, always you can just try and try it. We'll see if this works. Apply it to a different scenario, right? So, like, one weird trick of financial something or other. One weird trick.

One weird trick for building a bridge. Yeah, one weird trick for, like, space travel. Oh, civil engineers. Civil engineers hate it. Yeah, that's great. One weird trick. One weird trick for structural integrity, right? Building surveyors have banned... For measuring distance.

It's so good. It's been banned by building surveyors. Find out why building surveyors are trying to ban this one weird trick for structural integrity. And aren't they normally those weird tricks that are just with things you can find around the home as well? Yeah, so... It's elastic bands and matchsticks or something. That is a weird trick. That is pretty weird, but look, we built this 200-story apartment building using it.

And all we had to do was pay a $50 a month subscription to Home Ideas concept magazine. Sometimes, you know, like you know that you see some pretty amazing headline on somebody's Facebook feed, like from an article they posted. And then you go like, it says like, you know, oh, this thing causes this or something like that. And you go like, wow, that's pretty amazing. And then you look and you see that the website is always like something like... World News. Yeah, free spirit info.

Yeah,.in info. Yeah, dot info? Yeah. I wonder if there's anything, dot info, that's ironic, right? The dot info? That's an ironic URL. Or like truth unveiling. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah Engineering truth Yeah,.info .biz .biz Sorry, I left you on there Because I went to write down the thing The idea for the one weird trip Ah, that's great

You didn't really leave me on my own Matt was here Oh yeah, Matt was here Yeah, sorry No, but I meant both of you I left you guys on your own Without the support of me We're on our own. Matt was here. Oh yeah, Matt was here. Yeah, sorry. No, but I meant both of you. I left you guys on your own. Without the support of me. We're on our own together, you and

me. Just the two of us. Just me all by myself with you and no one else except us two. I'm on my own together with you. Matt's due. Just the two of us.

Wait. Just the two of us just the two of us we can make it shit. You, but mostly I. Okay. Doesn't quite. Just the two of me. I can do it by myself. Just the two of me. Imagine this.

Only me. I don't know why I think this is an idea, but imagine doing a thing where we put in a lot of work, right? Where we create 52 comedy albums, right? Right. Release one a week. Release one a week for a year. Yep. Right?

And so you could have a stand-up one. You got a sketch one. You got a... Okay. That's two. All right. Al's sweating. Up close magic. Well, get Al's sweating Up close magic

Well no Yeah Up close magic But it's gotta be funny Yeah You could have a Slapstick One is of red essays

Uh huh One's fiction One's true stories Yep Yep Yeah you got a You got a clowning one You got a mime

A mime one Okay then you got You got a One of Just one liners Political Yeah we got a clowning one. You got a mime one. Okay, then you got one of just one-liners. Political. Yeah, we got a political current events one. Yep. You got one that has got to do with you giving a tour of an art studio and you making jokes about the art. Like what about a panel show?

Yeah, a panel show one. Yeah, okay, good. You got a comedy on a boat. Just for comedy on a boat. You got a sitcom. Yeah, you got a sitcom

then it's then you got character. Yeah. You know, like you can have some various characters. A different character. An old person. Yeah.

Then like a sort of like an ethnic minority. So they're each their own wakes, are they? Yeah, I guess so. Old people wake? Or, you know, you need a lot to fill up an album. Musical comedy. Musical comedy?

Yeah. Yeah. Then you got just funny sounding, lists of funny sounding words. I'm imagining it. Yeah, I reckon you'd get a lot of success if you did that. Yeah. Yeah, alright Gee

Don't you think Like it'd be like I'm still imagining it It's still unfurling in my mind It's quite a significant idea I got the idea from Weird Al Yankovic I think

I think saying that you've got the idea Is just It's too strong a word I'm gonna Do you think Do you think I could change my name To Weird Al Trombley-Burchill? You could change your name to One Weird Al Trombley-Burchill.

One Weird Al Trombley-Burchill. And then ask me how to get a flat stomach. Internet advertising is not going to work until... So much of it is bullshit. It's not a good sign for the internet's business model if probably 30% of the ads, maybe more, rely on the people looking at them being fucking idiots. Yeah, but the fact that it keeps happening

makes me think that it is working. People are clicking for sure. Yeah. I mean, don't you want a flat stomach? Or at least a flatter stomach? It's just one weird trick to get you one, Andy. Yeah, that's all it takes. But like...

How lazy are you? You can't even do one weird trick? Whatever the trick is, right? You don't just do it once. Okay? So the one weird trick is that you've got to, you know... Do sit-ups every day. Repeat it over and over again.

Yeah. Or you eat a food that looks unrecognizable up close. You know that one where you... Yeah, superfoods. These new superfoods cause instant weight... Shocking weight...

Shocking! Shocking weight loss. I'm in shock! He's going into shock! In weight loss. I don't think that's good for your body. No. No.

Terrifying. Nausea inducing. You won't be able to feel your knees. I think nausea might be the only way that you could lose a lot of weight really quickly. Yeah. I lost five kilos in five days. Really? When I was doing the Sydney to Hobart yacht race

And I was vomiting pretty much constantly every day No, 4 days I lost 5 kilos That's pretty good That is one weird trick That is one weird trick Just takes you to the CYCA website For the registrations

I like that that would be it It's pretty weird Gastro It is one weird trick for the registrations. I like that that would be it. It's pretty weird. Gastro. It is one weird trick. Gastro plus being out at sea. Find out which boat race all these celebrities are getting in on in the new celebrity offshore dieting craze.

Offshore dieting. That's a thing. That's going to be big, guys. Out there in international waters, the regular laws of weight loss don't apply. You can do things to your body that you would never be able to do on land. It could have something where

some people think it has something to do with airborne seagulls. Proximity to airborne seagulls. Because when you see when you're near seagulls on land, they're always on the ground. Do you think avian flu counts as an airborne disease? Discuss.

Do you get it from sneezing seagulls? Discuss. Yeah, well, I think both of those things are airborne, aren't they? Doubly airborne. Because the seagulls fly away. They cancel each other out? Are sneezes airborne? Yeah, well, I think both of those things are airborne, aren't they? Doubly airborne. Because the seagulls fly away. They cancel each other out? Are sneezes airborne? Yeah, I think if you can get a disease from something like that,

then it counts as airborne? Discuss. I'm just going to put the word discuss at the end of... Take a lot of responsibility off me. So is a sneeze being born once it leaves your mouth? Is that what being airborne means? I birthed a sneeze. Good luck out there, little guy.

It's the birth of a mist. I hope you make it to the ocean. Yeah. Make it to the ocean? Yeah. Do humans ever do... I know they do water births, and that's a natural thing to do. Do they ever do air births?

Like, whilst skydiving? In free fall. It feels like it's one of the final frontiers. Yeah. In skydiving. That's why babies come with their own bungee cord. That was the way we were supposed to do it. I wonder whether anybody ever gave birth up in a tree.

And that's kind of what the umbilical... I mean, obviously the umbilical cord is multifunctional. It's like an iPhone. Yeah, you're tethering. I'm tethered right now. Yeah, but originally it was just sort of Bluetooth, the nutrients from the mother to the baby. But then they thought if we somehow built a cord...

The body used to just release food into the placenta like a man feeding fish. You know, like into a tank. But then they thought, fuck it, we could just... Fuck it. This is what evolution thought. And then they thought, fuck it. Yeah, then they thought, fuck it, we could just attach a tube. And I know we're going backwards, making things more wired, more connected,

but it improves lifespan because, baby lifespan, because the babies that are falling out of the trees are getting caught before they hit the ground. I think when we finally do get wireless, upgrade the technology to, well, not Fire firewire, that's out of date. But the umbilical cord, that's pretty redundant by now. We should be able to get like, you know, USB 3 or something. Yeah.

When that comes out, that's going to be really exciting. And like multivitamin pills. And multivitamin pills. Yeah. I mean, imagine that. In a hundred years' time, we might eat a whole meal in a pill form. Eh? Oh, I can't believe that hasn't come yet.

I can't believe people thought that would come. Yeah. It'd just take away anything good about eating. Yeah. Kind of went the other way, really, didn't it? You'll also be able to have sex by just attaching a sticker to your ball and then extracting the semen into a sack and then sticking it to your wife. Sticking it to your wife?

So you're still sticking the sticker? I'm going to stick it to the wife tonight. What? Oh, the little ball sticker that we use. The little ball sticker for transmitting semen. How many ideas have we got, Al? Including the ball sticker? I mean,

that can go to business idea. Attach that to the business idea. Okay, we got making military uniforms sillier and so that... So we don't glorify war. Yes, or like clown costumes so that it'll be difficult to glorify war. Yes, or like clown costumes,

so that it'll be difficult to glorify war in the future, and it'll also make its futility more apparent. And so, yeah. I mean, the only people who will like it will probably be cosplay people. Oh, they'll love it. Yeah, that's good. But also, the thing that will make other people not like it is their dislike for cosplay people.

By the way, I am releasing soon a new salad-making podcast, which is called Cosplay. That's good. Thank you. Do you think the changing of costumes is going to help with the Army's merchandise sector? Well, that's it. Because you're going to be able to get

a lot of different kinds of costumes. I think that might up their sales. Yeah, well then at least maybe they'll be financially independent. It'll be like the bloody ABC has to make a lot of money from the ABC shop. If the military had to have the military shop then maybe

we wouldn't have to pay so much in tax. I think maybe Aussie Disposals could have their day again in the, you know, because Aussie Disposals already that is almost like quite a negative title. Disposals. We're just disposing of this. You know, it's like, well, we don't want your garbage. Yeah, but if it was like

you know, military daycare. Daycare. That's what you want? Where'd you buy that hat? Oh, at the cool guy daycare. Yeah, cool guy.

So then the other idea is people selling fish started shaping their punts in the shape of fish to remind people at the beach of fish after swimming was invented. Wow, you really wrote that down in a lot more detail than it deserved. No, no. And then this is just a real business idea?

Fish and chip shop with a doctor's waiting room at the back? Chips while you wait? I think someone, going back to the previous idea, the thing of shaping the building like the thing that you sell is good. thing of like shaping the building like the thing that you sell uh is is good and i i i think you know it would be funny to see other businesses doing that you know like a but but maybe and then and then it gets into complicated territory when maybe you've got a service business that doesn't actually have a tangible product you say well okay well we're going to have to sort of build the building out of a kind of a gas uh something that you really can't get a hold of.

Yeah, or you can have a building that itself kind of performs the function that you're selling. Indeed. So let's say you are an optometrist. Yes. You have a building that looks... That is a prescription building. All the windows are prescription. Yeah, and it also looks into your eye, like it follows you. The building itself is a big eye, but one of those eyes,

you know like those little glass balls with the eye that always looks up? You know, so it's kind of like a plastic ball. Yes. And inside there's another ball inside, and it always kind of like faces up. Because anyway, it's that. But instead, it's that big eyeball follows you around as you walk around. So it's just, but instead it's that big eyeball follows you around as you walk around. So it's just a big building.

It's got a door there, but there's a projected eye on the glass. Man, optometrists would be a lot more terrifying, wouldn't they? Yeah, absolutely. It'd be great, but then you'd probably think about going to the optometrist more.

Imagine if Sauron had to go to the optometrists. Hey, come on, everybody. That's topical. Lord of the Rings. Everybody's on that shit. He'd have to get a monocle. He would. But the thing is, where would he chain it up to?

And what would he... Does he have eyelids? Okay. It's not topical at all, but the eye of Sauron at the optometrist, being asked to read what's on the little board and that kind of thing. Yeah, it's good. And Sauron is like, I see three little hobbits or something like that.

And he's like, well, no, actually, it's an F. Sorry. Yeah. Which is the same as the mark you're getting for this test bam boom I see an F

mate coming up on your yeah you failed your eye exam F you you come back from getting your eye exam

and you've got a good score and your parents put it on the fridge 2020 we're very proud he got an A on his eye exam an eye on his eye exam. An eye on his eye.

Remaking films and missing the point. Or I fixed it for you. This is a two-pronged idea, which is basically the same idea. Yep. We got one weird trick for building 200-story buildings. Structural engineers hide him. Great. And then we got Eye of Sauron at the optometrist.

That's a fun little extra idea at the end there. Yeah. Man, if I saw that in a sketch show, I'd be fucking furious. Yeah? Yeah, because I'd just be so angry at them for being so lazy and coming up with such an old idea. Anyway. I think it's fine. Yeah.

You could come up, you could find, like, I'm sure there's some other evil eyes that are around at the moment. Yeah. That are more topical evil eyes. Topical evil eyes. Tony Abbott? Is he? Evil eyes. Evil eyes.

I don't know. I don't get it. People don't like him, though, do they? Oh, so are we saying goodbye? Oh, maybe we are. Thanks. Guys, this has been a fun time. Yeah.

Thank you for listening to the show. Yes. And thank you for joining us, Matt Stewart. Thanks, Matt. Thanks for having me, guys. I have a feeling we're going to do this again sometime. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, it was very successful was very successful It was pretty good

I enjoyed it I felt like I contributed some of the best bits I actually think you did too Thanks for coming on the show Matt Thanks for listening everybody Oh, my God. I really dig your sound.