Two In The Think Tank - 412 - "GOD BUT MAKE IT AUSSIE"

Episode Date: February 5, 2024

There's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.Deimocracy, Aussie God, What if *Blank*s Were Aussie, Having my Dog Euphemised, Voice Box Ear, Coughing in the Aisles, Reverse the Laugh Path, Talking SAUSage, Statue of Liberty Ending, Most Dangerous Animal BlowjobCheck out Stupid Old Studios' COMEDY LAB here and support the artist fund if you can.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereEdited by Andy with all the due apologies. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Introducing Uber Teen Accounts, an Uber account for your teen with enhanced safety features. Your teen can request a ride with top rated drivers, and you can track every trip on the live map in the Uber app. Uber Teen Accounts. Invite your teen to join your Uber account today. Available in select locations. See app for details. Uh, hi Alastair. Yes, Andy? I just thought I would do a quick promo of my first official gigs here in Montreal, Canada, which are at the Comedy Nest on Friday and Saturday, the 9th and 10th of Feb, in English. And I'm doing both shows both nights. And these are my first official pain pigs. I'm so excited for you. This is great. But I'm sure we've discussed this before. Yeah. But when you do these plugs in the voice of both of us, you say, hey Alastair, yes Andy. Yeah.

So you're playing me in these things. I know, but this is exactly why we cut you out of these because this is the kind of slowing down of the plugs that has got you banned from the plugs. Now, what character are you playing, Andy? Now, you come in and criticize me, but who? I play God in these. Who? You're God. I'm an outsider.

Well, you've got to establish your character when you come in. Everybody knows my familiar characters. They're the ones that they're coming to listen to on the podcast. Alright, well I'll say, hey Andy at Alastair, and you can say yes, God. Okay. Hey Andy at Alastair. Yes, God?

But then it doesn't make sense. Why would I immediately think you're God anyway? Unless you're talking inside my head. But then that changes the location of the podcast Unless you're talking inside my head, but then that I think I am the location of the podcast Into the inside of my head like this was an inner monologue and then why would Andy be in there? Because maybe I don't exist at all. All right, not me God, but me Andy. Okay. I can see why I got banned from these plugs Let's start the podcast podcast. Okay. Hello and welcome to two in the think tank, the show where we come up with five good ideas. I'm God and I'm Alistair George William Trumblay, virtual and Andy James

Matthews. Imagine if God started a podcast. That would be cool. That would be so exciting. God and Bruce Springsteen started a podcast that would be cool. That'd be so exciting God and Bruce Springsteen start a podcast famous podcasters. This is me stealing a Scott Scott-Ockerman's a bit. Yes, he always refers to Obama as a famous podcaster Barack Obama I was also stealing his bit by referencing the podcast by Bruce Springsteen. But you could have just, I think it's just because I thought, mistakenly, I find out

now, that you just held Barack Obama in such high regard that when you think of God, you picture Barack Obama. Barack Obama. Imagine if you could run for God. Is that our first sketch idea? Yes. Running for God. Running for God. We turn God into a democratic position.

And now. But it's somewhere between democracy and the Santa Claus. So in that it's a role that you get that then that you are kind of transform into yeah Bruce almighty there's a bit of Bruce almighty almighty almighty Bruce almighty all mighty all see God that's another great sketch idea Aussie God really good what if God was was Aussie? That's such a good idea. Now everything's a fucking platypus. Every animal has a beak. Yeah and every food is a sausage or a meat pie. Even meat pies are sausages and even sausages are meat pies.

Now rain is tomato sauce. There we go. Instead of a water cycle, we've got a source cycle. Oh yes, yes. And beer. And that would be like, all right, today the source pressure system from the West was going to be displaced by a beer pressure system coming in from the East. So it's time to bring in your pies and take out your pint glasses. That's right. We're going to turn this into an Aussie sketch podcast now. This is so much more fun. I don't believe it's taken us 412 episodes to get here. Andy, I've genuinely considered for a long time to do starting like a TikTok account that is to starting like a TikTok account that is what if blank was Aussie yeah what if forks were Aussie ah get me out of this Apple you bastard what if forks with forks

were Aussie you don't need five times on on a fork. One's enough. Yeah, mate. That's a knife. That'll do. That'll do. One tine will do. That's not a knife. That's a fork.

That's really good. What is a knife but a one tined fork? People don't use the word tine enough. You're right. This is my first time encountering it Andy. No, there you go. Your first time? Your first time encountering it. And I only need this one time.

What if clocks were Aussie? Yeah. Bloody tick. Fuckin' clock. Fuck. Bloody tick, fucking bloody tick fucking clock talk bloody tick fucking clock o clock more like clock o clock o that's right oh what if get ah I'm off my face

what if my arm's doing on my face I must be off my face off my face my arms off my face. Off my face. My arms. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Instead of mate, what instead of arms would they have dicks? No, dicks aren't exceptionally Australian. Not exceptionally Australian. Um, Andy. What if dicks were Aussie? This is very fun.

Yeah, I know. A little, your foreskin's got little corks hanging off it. That's right. That's the foreskin, if not the head of the dick. The head of the dick, yes. Do you think, do you see it? Do you see the corks dangling down the shaft? And say they kind of dangle off of the, even though there's a foreskin on there, Do you see it? Do you see the corks dangling down the shaft? And say they kind of dangle off of the, even though there's a foreskin on there,

but it's it's around where the sort of the edge of the gland is. Yeah. Well, that's what I was picturing, but you know, I've changed my mind and now it's a condom with corks hanging off it. And also condom. Also condom. But then it still does leave the question open, Andy. with corks hanging off it. An Aussie condom. Aussie condom. That is much more like that. But then it still does leave the question open, Andy. The unanswered question of what if dicks were Aussie? Well, if dicks were Aussie, they'd wear a condom with corks hanging off it.

Ah, yes. So it does answer that question. Yes, but then I'd answer that. And a Cobra. It's a felt condom. Oh, yes. Buy a Cobra with a band around it, not a little band around it.

Maybe it's shaped like a dry sabon. Dry sabonor. I was trying to get to dry sabon. I was about to go dry sabon. You beat me to dry sabon. But then I didn't do any work with it. I see your dry sabon and I raise you dry sabonor. But I didn't do any work with it. I see your dry as a bone and I raise you dry as a boner. And how do we make these?

It's an oil skin condom. Oil skin. That does sound like old school condoms. Like you actually could just use an old raincoat. Sure. And then people would be like, it's like having a shower in a raincoat. That's right. If you had a raincoat. That's right. If you had a raincoat over your penis.

But it's more like having a bath in a raincoat, isn't it? It's more like having a plunge pool. Yes. In a raincoat. Oh, it's about the temperature. Because I was supposed to be like, you know, as an alternative to cold plunge. But then I was going to say, but for some reason it felt really dirty to say warm plunge pool. It's probably the filthiest thing I've said all day.

The warm, I'm going to take a visit to the warm plunge pool. Is that going to be a new euphemism that somehow sounds more disgusting than the thing you're euphemizing? Euphemized. Oh, we had to have our dog euphemized. He's gonna be a sock pump. Now we call him the barking cat.

Oh, there we go. That's better. Is it? Yeah. All right, thank you. Yeah, I think that is better. But why would you have to have your dog euphemized? All right.

Because he's too annoying. Too disgusting? Too disgusting? He was too sexual? He's too sexual. Too explicitly sexual. Yeah, yeah. that in a way. Yeah. If you had a dog that was humping everything. Yeah. And you but no, that's good Andy. That's a really good description. Do you think that

like getting your dog castrated, right? Having his balls cut off. You could call that having your dog euphemized because he was too sexual. And now- No, this takes away from it for me. I like, you know, and the thing is that this is maybe undoable, like, you know, but what do you picture? It might be mathematically impossible, as you're saying. We're trying to achieve a joke. No, no, I don't think it's possible. No, maybe you could actually then just replace it with a cat that does bark. And you go, no, that's my dog. I thought you had a dog. Yeah, but he was too filthy. We had to get

him euphemized into a barking cat. Yeah, I mean, it's very, I think it's, I think that really triggers the mind. I think it inspires thought. And that's what we're trying to do on this podcast. We're trying to make people think. It's an intuition engine. It might be impossible to fully grasp the meaning of what we've just said and understand it on the on on the deep level that we hope you would yeah but I'm still I'm glad that it's out there

Alistair what do you think about this? Wait wait wait Andy I think there should be a whole sketch show that is the ungraspable sketch show. I can't entirely get it, but it looks like it's probably very funny It's it's that was jam by it's to be enjoyed in like 2000 years when minds have been exposed to so much comedy Yes, that only the most aloof and most difficult of concepts are funny at this point to these people. That's who we're making our stuff for. It's gonna go over the heads of people today. But as every generation is a couple of centimeters taller than the previous generation because of nutrition and medicine, soon what goes over this generation's head will hit the future generation square in the neck. Yeah, in between the eyes. Oh that's better. Yeah, because I feel like we've

missed once we get them in the neck. Well, alright. I think you could have a voice, I think you could probably pick up sounds with your voice box. If your voice box is capable of making vibrations and sounds, it must on some level be able to sense them. Are you just using that speaker microphone thing that every speaker is technically a microphone? Yeah, that's right. Oh, every voice box is technically an E. That's right. Oh, every voice box is technically an ear. Oh, man, that probably is a thing that you might be able to do. Maybe with like, you know, let's say you're like

you're a spy agency and somebody's some you're sending somebody deep undercover and you want to be able to talk to them, but you can't have anything in his ears Hmm, you would do you use his voice box? They always check the ears. That's how they always look at that's the first thing they do I'll have your pocket into the voice box and you just flipped a couple of the wires around just switched some of the nerves You know, will you pull them or whatever. Maybe you put one into the ear thing. You just put one into the ear. You just like, you take some of the wires from the ear

and you plug that into the voice box. Mm-hmm. You know? Feel like if you sort of attached a cone to the Adam's apple, maybe, a lot of sort of like a receptive cone. Yeah. Flaired out like that. Apple maybe a lot of sort of like a receptive home. Yeah Flaired out like that it might not work so well for the undercover element. Why have you got that cone attached to you? Yeah, Adams apple. Oh, I just I'd got these like oh, I just I got some stitches done

So my Adams apple doesn't bite them doesn't lick at them You'd have to also get a tongue put onto your Adam's apple to make this excuse plausible Why a tongue? So it doesn't lick so you could oh yeah, but then wouldn't you have to do teeth? You I don't know if you have to do teeth. Is it is it is it biting at or licking at the way? I think it's biting is the is thing. They pull the stitches out. They're biting at it. Oh!

Because the dog just instinctively knows there's a foreign object there that I should get it out of my body. Now you were going to have an idea earlier. Foreign objects. Well this was my idea Alastair. And you know, but what do you think about this, right? You have comedy is the thing that you do on stage. And what that is aiming to do is to get laughter out of people's mouths. But there are lots of different things that come out of people's mouths, right? Yes, but there are lots of different things that come out of people's mouths

Okay, should there be a different form of entertainment or performance? That aims to get all the different things that you can get out of people's mouths out of their mouths so For example, could there be a form of performance that aims to get the audience to cough? This was inspired by you mentioning coughing before we came on the broadcast. I love being involved in the creative process. Brings it. Oh, it brings so much joy to my heart.

Continue. Let's see. Coughing, sneezing, yawning. One could argue that there already is a form of art that I know, but that's people to you want to show your gratitude. It's a sketch out of it. It could be, could be indeed. That's right. You've already ticked off one of these.

And then you also have you inspire people to spit on you a lot as an award as a performer. Don't you, Alastair? Yes. Won't you ask them to? When I did Alastair list everything, I think that's that's the feeling that most of the audience members were getting. I yeah, I, yeah, I think that, you know, the idea that you could have a, a, um, this is for the sneezing one, maybe even for the coughing one, but having a kind of, um, like air particles, kind of based art where you're just creating clouds of, you know, clouds of clouds of, you know, let's say very thin glitter, let's say peppers and powders and silica powder.

Well, that's something where they might not cough straight away in the room, but they'll get that, you know, that'll hit them a bit later on You'll get that one. Yeah, you'll get that one when you get home later You'll you'll get that one in four to five years and then and then you won't be able to stop coughing at that one I started a cough which started the whole world dying choking Which started the whole world. Dying. Dying. Oh, you're choking. Choking. Um, yes.

OK, so best us a real wheezing cough and cough. Sneeze slash coughing based art forms. You know, like, you know, it's, it's other, I'll just try to clarify it and broaden it. Other mouthful ejaculations. Mouthful. Mouthful. I love your ability to coin those kinds of words. Yeah, other mouthful.

You know what's crazy is that like, and I may have said this in the last couple of episodes, but I am, you know, starting to speak a lot more French again, and I tell you what I am bringing the same Arrogance that I have with English too. I should be able to mold it however I want Yeah, if there's one group of people who really are chill about that kind of thing Yeah, French speakers. And I'm bringing it to a language I love it when you mess with the LL. I am not capable of speaking properly anymore. And I'm, yeah, but I'm equally, I'm like, oh, you get what I'm saying.

That's the part that gets me the most. Have you done your first gig yet? I'm about to do my first gig tonight. My first open mic. It's a sign up on the night open mic. And then tomorrow I have my first French gig. This is Monday for me. It'll be tomorrow. And it will be my first French gig. It is also an open mic, but it's one I had to sign up for in November.

And then I'm getting it now. And then I have another You have your first French gig? Yes, my first French gig. And Tuesday I have my first other open mic and then Wednesday I have a showcase spot for a guy who does do some very good and paid gigs, potentially down the road. And then Friday, Saturday, I have my first actual paid gigs, which, it's amazing that the two weeks of basically nothing,

I've kind of gone and seen shows and sort of tried to meet people and stuff like that has amounted into a big week of gigs and everything like that. It was pretty nice. Yeah, well it is amazing and it isn't amazing. I mean I feel like I spoke to you last week and you were frustrated that nothing had happened yet and you felt like you weren't making any progress. But you obviously were and are and it's just things don't happen Instantly, but two weeks is very good turnaround time to start booking gigs and yeah I know it's just you know

I have no income and not that I'm gonna suggest that the that the stand-up is gonna be my full source of income but at the moment it's my best hope for any income at all so I mean, I still can't even get a bank account, but at the moment, it's my best hope for any income at all. So I mean, I still can't even get a bank account, but just because I'm waiting on now, the last thing is I need is a utility bill with my name on it and the address that I'm living at. Yes. And that's just not possible. Well, yeah, I can, I'm going to set up once I move into the brothers bills. Yeah.

But once I, once I set up the other Yeah, the internet. This is not important for the podcast. I'm so sorry This is you would be talking off the thing when I can tell you look administration based things But I want to let us to know that we do talk about this kind of stuff We talk a lot about Alastair's bills and his ability to open a bank account. Yeah, I mean, it has been interesting because it's like, I get here and then it's like,

okay, get a tax file number, which is called a SIN here, S-I-N. Anyway, instead of a TFN, S-I-N, but you get there and then it's like, okay, but in order to do that, you've gotta be able to, you've gotta have this other thing, you know or like oh you need a phone number And I go okay. Well now I gotta get a phone number, right? But then a lot of people were like well in order to have a phone number You're gonna need to have some proper ID and I go okay anyway, but then

Lots of things have just been like this weird circular thing like you need Oh, you need to have a phone number to get this but then oh in order to verify your identity Verify your identity you need to have a phone number to get this, but then, oh, in order to verify your identity, you need to have a bank account, but in order to get a bank account, you need to have, you know, a place where you're living and a phone number and all these other things. You go, this is insane. Now, going back to what you were saying before, when you were starting to do this mouthful ejaculations, arts, I thought you were going to say. Now we say comedy and it goes into

their ears and they, you know, and then laughter comes out of their mouth. So logically, you should be able to put laughter into people's mouths and comedy should come out of their ears. Mmmhmm. Just the right way. No, I don't know if anybody's tried this, but this is actual. Yeah, referencing the stream. Exactly. So what you do is you, it's more of a one-on-one kind of thing, unless you could do it with a bunch of pipes. Well, it might be really quiet, right right because you're just getting very small vibrations of the eardrums right that's the only way that ears can.

Maybe this happens already and we've just never listened to the ears. Nobody listens to the ears. The ears listen to everybody but nobody listens to them. And if you listen really closely maybe if you do put laughter into the into the mouth. Yeah. And put some very sensitive microphones in the ear holes. You'd be able to pick up the comedy coming out of the being created by the ear drums. But I mean, it might be it might be interesting. You might find, the comedy you might get out might be what ears find funny.

Although maybe not. Because at the moment, you wouldn't say that the comedy that we produce normally is what mouths find funny. It's to tickle the ears. I'd argue that current, yes indeed, current comedy is what ears find funny. So what you would get out of the ears would probably be what ears find funny. So what you would get out of the ears would probably be what mouths find funny.

Yeah, so you'd want the kind of like comedy that would tickle a throat, but not like a hair necessarily. No, no, not like a hair. Not like an asbestos fiber. No, no, no, no, no. But you know, it would be shifts, it probably would be, if this did come out, it would be a very good time

to be like an open-minded comedian who's very ready to pivot. Maybe things haven't been going so well in the comedy scene or you just can't get that big break. You can't do the things that it takes, all the work that it takes to kind of climb and be consistent, putting out videos, all that kind of stuff. But if you're one of the pioneers of throat comedy,

you know, or throat laughter, you know, it could be that you're trying to create laughter that throats enjoy. Cause maybe that's what it is, is that ears like to hear comedy, but throats like to get laughter, hear laughter. And so you might just have a tube, or you might hold somebody's mouth open, right? And then you laugh into their mouth. Ha ha ha, like that.

Kind of like you're kissing, but very, like, you know, it's like, it's somewhere between kissing and mouth to mouth, you laugh directly and I think that the more you laugh into their mouth probably the louder the stuff comes out of the ears. I think I think that's a really nice intimate thing because you know friends what they do is they like to get together and laugh together but you know how do you take that to the next level? What's the laughing version of French kissing? Well, it's mouth to mouth laughing. It could be called French laughing. French laughing. Now this makes me think Alastair, right, about the movie Deep Throat,

which I haven't seen. But apparently the concept is that she has a clitoris in her throat right that's why she isn't able to enjoy sex it's it's deep in her throat right what if what if your your funny bone was deep in your throat and so you haven't been able to enjoy comedy until you find a comedian who is able to shout jokes down your neck hole. Yeah. And tickle your funny bone in that way. We could call it shallow throat. Why? Because I don't think you need to go as deep.

You probably don't need to go as deep. As deep because it's audio waves. You know,'t need to go as deep as deep because there's its audio waves. You know, so you can probably yell them from the mouth. You know, from the, yeah, like shouting into a cave, like shouting into a cave. You could probably even if you're if you're sort of more germ conscious, just use like a bit of like that flexible plastic piping that you might use to like to like, you know, that goes from the from the washing machine to the sink where it drains off the water get some of that and you could put that in if you're germ

conscious grab the tube of the washing machine the drainage pipe off the washing machine and shove that down your throat. And then you could talk and you could have you ever cleaned the outlet of a washing machine? And of course. It's so bad. Yeah, it's the most horrible. It's like, you know, when there used to be those ads on TV where they would squeeze out the lungs of a smoker or something and all this gunk would come out to really be like, smoker or something and all this gunk would come out to really be like Yeah, this shit that's because they I imagine they don't use real throat gunk on those ads Do you think they use a real? I imagine they scrape it off the outlet of a wash wash Oh wash it was This oh dishwasher. Oh, yeah, I've cleaned out some filters of a dishwasher and it's some of the most heinous moments of my life

Yeah, yeah, I had a wash a dishwasher that was ceasing to work. Um Yeah, all right. Well, I like french laughing. Um All right. Now here's another one shallow threat. This one's going to be more more filth. Sorry. There's a lot of filth on this podcast But right what about this hella steer? What if the Wank Bank was a real bank? Now, see, now this is a sketch. Now, this is comedy right here. And beautiful mainstream. And then after this, and I'm not going to take away from your idea yet, but what if the Wank Bank was Aussie? What if the Wank Bank was a real bank and that bank was Aussie? Was a real bank.

Alright, now we know that there's the Wank Bank, but what about this? The Wank Reserve Bank of Australia. So this is good. And I like already. God, this is kind of like you want to ask if it's Aussie. The Wank Reserve Bank of Australia. If that was Aussie. Yeah. What if the way it's Aussie? It was real and Aussie. Yeah, that was all. Yeah, what if the way it's all see?

I was real and all see. Now, I'm assuming that the Reserve Bank produces. Sexually thrilling imagery for governments and for other Wank banks. Hard to say exactly what that would be. It has to be the source of all sexual. So you don't think it's just jism that it that it that it deals in? No I don't think so because you think about the Wank Bank. It's not a sperm bank.

No, that's right. It's images. It's a sexual imagery. Sexually satisfying images. Yes, or any sort of conceptually titillating stuff. So I mean, I presume if you wanted to use, like let's just step back and say if the Wank Bank was real. And at the

moment I'm leaving open whether or not it's Aussie okay but you wouldn't go in right and you would you would you'd go to the teller and you would be able to you'd ask them you'd say what you're hoping to you know get out of the Wank Bank yeah okay and they would have a look in your account and see whether or not you have any such imagery in your account. Okay. It's sad to be Wank Bank poor. Exactly. I haven't observed very many beautiful sexually exciting things. But I mean, the sad fact is that I imagine a lot of Wankbanks, particularly in regional areas, are closing their face-to-face stores. You have to go online to see. You have to go online to do an online computer.

To see some sexually explicit imagery. Oh that's a lot of old people.'d be like juice oh yeah they don't know what they're doing can't work it out anyway and then what would happen if it was Aussie if it was Aussie oh we all we got is a couple of baddard salves here you go I could drink that yes um a baddard salve is a Savaloy, which is something that we don't really refer to out of the context of battering it, putting it on a stick. Savaloy, Savaloy sausage. Yeah. Where's the Savaloy from?

Covered in, sounds like it might be, and this is, I don't know where I'm getting this from, but it sounds like it might be something to do with India. Do you think it's something to do with India? Really? No. I mean, it's possible in India. I just don't know, you know, I just, I never have pictured an Indian hot dog. You're right.

Or even an Indian sausage. When you put it like that, sounds crazy. Yeah. I've never. What if sausages, but Indian? What if sausages were Indian? Oh, I don't think I can do that. That that TikTok again. No, no, that's not for you to do. But what if Indian sausages were Aussie? Yeah, there we go.

Oh hang on mate. Yeah you know. Oh yeah I'll eat that. Yeah I mean I'll come with all sorts of spices and stuff like that and that's actually a bit of a alright. I don't mind that. What if um yeah well I think you know what on one level that you could do your... Introducing Uber Teen Accounts, an Uber account for your teen with enhanced safety features. Your teen can request a ride with top rated drivers, and you can track every trip on the live map in the Uber app. Uber Teen Accounts, invite your teen to join your Uber account today. Available in select locations. See app for details. What if it was Aussie TikTok account? We, we, basically these conversations we're having. see you next time. See you of making things Aussie or whatever. Or they're a, yeah. A think tank if you will. Oh, I think you would just have pictures of the things

and then things would be complaining in Aussie. In full fluent Aussie. The things, so like a sausage or a condom. The condom. Yeah. The condom would be talking. Yeah, and then. Like an Australian. Yeah.

I think it would be people talking, you and I, for example. Oh, I think people will have to do the voices of the sausage. Do you? Well, I think the sausage should be, if anyone's gonna do the voice of a sausage it should be a sausage Yeah, no, you're right. You know what and if we're gonna do this we're gonna do this right We're gonna get social just we're gonna teach us just a talk Aussie and we're gonna raise the mozzie Because I want to do this right and I want to do this

ethically and respectfully I Little sausage that can say say Oh Imagine that though. It's a magic. It's a sausage. Yeah, that has a little mouth Right on one end. So as you're eating it, right? You imagine you eat it from the other end Yeah, so as you're eating it the sausage is saying I a fucking cat. Oh

That's yeah, no back off, mate. Back off. Step off, mate. No, don't eat me. Oh, that's fucked. Oh, that's fucked, mate. Mate, I'm having a break. I'm on break. I'm on smoker. What are you doing to me, mate? What are you doing to me mate? Yeah, that's really funny. For some reason I find that so charming. I think people would really buy that. That would be a great novelty if you could have a talking sausage. And it could just be like one of those greeting cards where you open it up and it plays a little noise.

If they could just make whatever the sort of chip is that's in those greeting cards, if they could somehow make that out of meat and just put that in the end of a sausage. I mean, we've heard the term wetware before. You know, it's on its way, Andy. It's well on its way. Well, this isn't wet so much as it is greasy. Yeah, well greasy way You know, it's probably with an oil we came up with an oil based life form on a very recent episode. Yeah Yeah, I guess yeah, I mean meet I never thought of that that were our fat is is oil So so then we're, our fat is oil.

So then we're, you know, we're probably somewhere between the oil, we're probably the product of an oil race and a water race. That makes sense. You know? It makes so much sense, Andy. Now is there a water, is there is there a water based? Romeo and Julie wet.

That was the idea that we came up with. What was the first one? Romie. Where we. Romie oil. A role in Joby and Julie wet. Yeah. Yeah, that was we are the humans.

We are the product of that forbidden love. It'll be because at the end, they will go and land on a planet that is uninhabited by people. Oh that's a great twist and then we show the we show the Statue of Liberty. That's right. At the end. So people know that it's Earth. That's where humans came from. Oh it was earth all along. That's awesome. You legends You fucking legends Oh, yeah, I like that. That's if plenty of the apes was Was Aussie, you know if they got the any lie. Oh

You bloody got me you pranksters You cheeky bugger lugs mongrels cheeky mongrels you butcher larracan You bloody antaxe have we already pitched this on the I think it's bloody antics. Have we already pitched this on the podcast? At the end of every movie, there should be a scene where you see the Statue of Liberty on the beach so you know that the movie happened on Earth. Like can you imagine watching, let's see, Augustos Age County or what's another example, Bridget Jones' Diary or what's another film, Bridget Jones's diary. Yes. What's another film? No country for old men.

There should be a scene at the end of all of these films where someone's one of the main characters is walking along the beach and comes across the ruin of the Statue of Liberty. And you then everyone in the audience goes does a sharp intake of breath and turns to one another and whispers it was earth it was on earth all along. I mean I think it's because you know there's such a shorthand now with sci-fi that you don't need to I think you probably don't even need to explain that the movie started with a big spaceship ride to another planet. You know, it's kind of assumed. That's right.

You know, especially with all these like multiverse movies now, every movie you probably expect to be in a multiverse. So probably one where there, you know, things are so different that there is no Statue of Liberty. And at the end they go, oh oh my god it was in this timeline. Well you're very rarely actually like the percentage of movies where you see the Statue of Liberty during the film. I mean it happens in a lot of movies but I still say it's a small percentage overall of all the movies that are made probably less than

five percent of movies where you see the Statue of Liberty. Right? So you're a lot of the time not sure. There's not that clear sign posting to say, oh, this occurs on earth. So I think a lot of people probably reserve judgment about that and assume that it could be happening anywhere. Rightly so, because we've been fooled before. Of course, yeah, yeah. You get to the end and then, yes, you reveal that it was and it's just a nice little extra little twist at the end. Sting in the tail. And then it also allows you to have the occasional film

where they're walking along the beach and there is no Statue of Liberty, but then he still falls to his knees and goes you bastards I thought that this was Earth the whole time. I made a terrible assumption that's on me to be honest but I'm angry at you I'm lashing out But I'm angry at you. I'm lashing out. But then it could have just be on another beach. Maybe he's on the wrong beach. I know. But maybe this, you know, he somehow knew this was the beach. He knew this was the only beach that it could

be on. Yeah. And it wasn't. He's because this is him at the end of his search of all the beaches. That's the last beach. Yeah. The last beach to Darwin. Forget it. That's nothing. It'd be nice if there was like, I guess there's probably some island countries that are like this, where it's it's beach all the way around the country. You should be able to go on a beach walk around every country. Three 60 degrees of beach. I way around the country. You should be able to go on a beach walk around every country. Three 60 degrees of beach.

I wonder if there are, I mean, surely yes, some some atolls, right? Some Pacific. There must be at least an atoll. Maybe even I feel like Samo or something like that must be. I couldn't. But no, I guess there must be some at least one cliff. Wouldn't there be? I mean, a country without cliff jumping, that seems crazy. What would that be like? What would that be like?

I'd be shocking. Yes. Now, Andy, do you think that we've gone? Yes. I reckon we've got five sketch ideas. I've got a feeling. Yeah. You know, I wrote up here at the top here.

And I don't usually read out these sketch ideas so early on. But I've written Democratic Pool. But, um, wait, why did I write Democratic Pool? I meant to write Democratic God. But, but it looks like I wrote, democracy, seapool. That's really weird. Yeah. I think you've gone insane.

Oh yeah, all right. Well, I guess that could have been three words from which you came up with it, but instead, you know, my words, I'm not like a listener. My words do not inspire ideas. And so that's why we will go to three words from a listener. Finally.

Um, and these are people who support us on Patreon. They can give $3 a month and they can submit words and we use them to come up with an idea and, uh, can you tell us who are the words from today? Andy, as I told you right before, now this is terrible, this is terrible practice on my part, okay? I tell people if you want, and do send in three words from a listener to the Patreon, because it's a good system now. I've got a system so I'm not missing any, and I might still have missed some in the past, but I'm sometimes going back seeing if I've got a system so I'm not missing any and I might still have missed some in the past But I'm sometimes going back seeing if I've missed any anyway But occasionally people in the discord try to give me words and I just try to be strong. I try to be stoic I go look there's a system. Can you send it to the thing?

Right and then some people did send it to the patreon, but then afterwards I noticed That one person who sent it didn't send it to the Patreon. And now I am in an effort to not lose that person's words. I am rewarding them for doing the wrong thing by putting their words almost immediately on the show. And punishing everybody else. For following the system. Yes. So, who is this lucky listener?

It's Santori Rickanon. Santori Rickanon. I'm pretty sure Santori is either in Iceland or another Scandinavian country. Could be Finland. Yeah, and did we find out that it's Rikinen? Could be Rikinen like the formula one. Oh, yes.

I know. But in English, it's pronounced Rikinen. That's right. I'm joking. I'm sorry. I'm translating it. I'm translating it. I mean, I've discovered that Christopher Columbus in French is not Christopher Columbus. It's Christophe Colombe. Oh, that's right.

Colombe. Like, right. Have we talked about this before? I don't know, but what is it? Can't translate people's names. There's just a name. That's not what you're called over here. Yeah. Like I mean I know they do it sometimes in like in like in Japanese or whatever so they can make it fit the characters you know but in Chinese as well but

still you probably could just write it down in English as well You could just write it in the other letters. What if Christopher Columbus was French? He'd be all like. As you see, Quistov, go long. Oh, long. Yeah, what if he was Aussie? Oh, here we go. Man, we're talking. And when I say Aussie, I don't mean the French word for also.

Oh, yes. Oh, see. What if he was Aussie? Aussie. Oh, French Australian. Very exciting. Yes. My mid-pie is very shit. There we go.

I don't know if that quite makes sense. Do you think that when when Australians at the sporting event shout out Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi. Do the French people think we're shouting also also also yes yes yes. Oui oui oui. Oh oui oui oui Wee, oh yeah. Wee, oh yeah. This is your first French-Australian bit, Alastair. Andy, it's so good. I'm going to form that tomorrow. I'll see, I'll see, I'll see. I know it, it's just oi.

Oh sorry, as you would say it over here in France, in French Canada, also, also, also. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Andy, I'm going to get a standing ovation when I start doing all these new bits that you have gifted at me. Of course, I could do them all over here. Andy, you could start doing it. Start opening up a comedy night in French comedy. French comedy. French comedy, not manage it in. That's good. Get a get a few audience down. Mm hmm.

A few audience down. Yeah. Cause you know, small towns is always like a few people that are very supportive and then there's also just not the numbers to support a thing like this. Yeah, that's right. Especially French, I think. My favorite bit of the podcast is where we do bullshit talking between revealing the name of the Patreon supporter and then actually getting into guessing the words. Yeah, this is the real taint of the podcast.

Oh, yeah, the double taint. of the podcast. Oh yeah, the double tight. Suggesting that this thing might have three legs. This podcast has three legs. Alright, Alastair, I have to guess these words from this. Yeah, yeah. I consider our podcast the three-legged race of creativity. Okay, the first word is crumbed. Let me see. No, Andy. No, it's not crumbed. That is incorrect. The first word is Andy's apostrophe. Andy's. Many. The second word is many. Andy, come on. Of course not. The second word is Canadian. Andy's Canadian friend.

Third word is friend. Andy, the third word is not friend. It is beard. Andy's Canadian beard. Yeah. What are you thinking? What are you picturing immediately? Um, look, I can't tell you what I'm picturing immediately. Um, but I can tell you what I was thinking of while you were reading that. I was thinking about the other day when I sent you the word come, C-U-M, but with a B on the end. Like thumb. I loved that so much. It made me feel so strange. C-U-M-B. It actually feels classier. It does doesn't it? Yeah. Little silent B. It's got a round. It rounds it off a little bit. Yeah.

It takes a bit of the harshness out of it. You're making love to somebody and they're saying that word and then you stop and you say, are you pronouncing it? Are you putting a solid bee on that? I'm going to, I'm going to come. Yeah. Would that throw you off, do you think? Yeah, that would. Well, that's something for people to try next time they're in the throes of passion. Please try pronouncing that word with a silent B on the end and see whether or not the other partner in your interaction notices and whether it that whether or not they take issue with it. Yeah I like that. I also think that you might say it more classic classy and you'd maybe like once you

told your partner you say oh I have I've now produced a little cum. used a little cum. All right. Andy's Canadian beard. Yeah. Well, it makes me think of beavers, right? Because they're Canadian and hairy. And so, but maybe it's like a beard in the other sense of the word, so that you actually have a beaver as a wife to hide the fact that you are heterosexual.

Ah, interesting. You're in a community where being heterosexual and normal, not normal, sorry. Normal. Thank you, Alastair. Yes. Oh, my God. I bet you feel great about saying that.

I meant compared to people who You understand who married and probably make love to forest animals I think of all the animals to make love to I think a beaver would be one of the most terrifying just because of their clear ability to not trunks down to not outstanding lumber. below job from a beaver. Andy. Hey. No taste, please. Andy. Andy. What? Hey.

What? How can I be expected to not say that? Andy, no, I want, of course, wanted you to say it. I, of course, wanted you to say it, Andy. And I do not judge you, because I, in many ways, love what you've done. Thank you. And now we know that there are those TV shows that are like, what's the,

what would win out of a bear and a tiger? Or like, you know, do all this hypothetical. Well, what's the most dangerous animal? What is that? A general blowjob from. Exactly. And then, and if that show exists, it means that then there's a chance

someone's gonna create the safest animal to get a blowjob from. I don't think that you could do that. I don't think that's't think that you could do that is I Don't think that's an an ethically okay TV show to produce, but I think the most dangerous one Yeah, I don't think anyone could say there's anything wrong with making that as a fool absolutely And I think that it would be interesting to presents and there probably is just enough real-life stories presents. And there probably is just enough real life stories out there to fill one one hour show. You know, because it's probably happened as they count them down. I mean,

it'd be amazing. They're doing the countdown, right? And they've done, for example, they've just done the great White, right? And they're only at four. Imagine the excitement in the family gathered to watch this show when you realize that they've done the Great White, they only counted down to four. And you're like, what could the top three possibly be? Yeah. That's really exciting.

I mean, and you could tease that so well over the ad break. Like people would stay tuned when they realize you could run still more to come. You could run 15 minute advert breaks. Yeah. Make the show last two hours. And people would stick around for this. Oh, this would be like the Super Bowl.

The ads that you could run in that. I mean, if you could make one a year, the 2024s most dangerous animals to get a blowjob from. Well, I mean, surely the listings are going to change as new species are discovered and indeed as species go extinct. Or maybe that maybe that, you know, maybe they change, maybe their behavior changes over time. Like, you know, now there are some killer whales that are sort of doing different things and started attacking different animals and attacking ships

and that sort of thing. Doing different things. Maybe those kinds of that, that'll get fact. Maybe eventually they'll be giving blowjobs and Maybe they will be updates to be made to the listing that's all I'm saying yeah No, I mean if you're going through the trouble of creating the format you may as well find a way to make it continue Mmm. Yeah, you know I'm with you Andy. I'm a hundred percent with you and Then it will be as big as the Super Bowl and it will be appointment viewing

Disappointment viewing I don't think it would be disappointing No, it could never be Finding out what the most yeah, I Think oh, I was gonna wind up, but then you up but then you've started a sentence and now I appear rude. I can't remember what I was gonna say but I did think of another thing while you were saying that, while you were interrupting me which was, I wonder what would give something the number one position, whether it's the amount of blowjobs gone wrong or the gory-ness and how badly it went? Yeah, I don't think there'd be enough data to do it off the amount and I don't

think that's what people want really. I think what they want are computer simulations and speculation based on the best available data Because you know, we don't we don't necessarily know what would happen if a bear for a great white shark and that's but that's what they you know Put all those kinds of shows Similarly, these are all speculative. I mean, I think that you you would maybe name a guy Now it's like a shark expert. You know shark expert Martin Scrim has had a near experience with this. Now I was whacking off in the shallow waters of the Caribbean. And when I had an encounter with a shark that sorry I Was just saying it was interesting that we both went to Caribbean Islands there

That's true. I mean it's a perfect place for a shark and attacking the shallow water And then it may be like a shark just wasn't looking bumped into his side or something like that And he goes now if I was to estimate if he had came in from the front My I you know my penis would have been shredded to peace the number of rows of teeth That I would have had to avoid in order for that to be enjoyable Order for that to be enjoyable. Hmm. You're still, he still holds out hope that there might be a way to do this.

At least in expert. Such that it's enjoyable. He's an expert. I see, I still think I would probably remove the actual sexual content and just have it all speculative. And if you are having experts on you're having on a just a regular shark expert, but then forcing them to answer these questions.

Sure. But I think that, you know, what would really get me to the TV is stories of people trying to get blowjobs from animals. You're a sick fuck. I know, but... That's disgusting and that degrades everything that this our wildlife blowjob compilation series is supposed to be about at last year. It was about speculation. It was about experts being uncomfortable.

Yes. Experts being uncomfortable Well, yes, you know what we can have our differences sketch ideas We're gonna be like the like the Reebok and the Puma Puma guys Hmm, I think it's out of this out of this Puma Puma Puma look, I mean Canada. No, I have to go back to saying Puma Puma Puma? I mean Canada now I have to go back to saying Puma. Puma. Puma. I don't know. Puma does make, does feel nicer now but I remember a Russian making fun of me for saying Putin once. Oh yeah. It's gotta be Putin. Okay. But who cares? Your name is different. It's not Christoph Colombe.

But a whole language of people say it. So all right, let's take you through the sketch ideas. Democratic God. We didn't touch on it enough. But I think there's the pieces there. We did mention that it might be a little bit like the Santa Claus. We had a lot of wanking off material to get to Alastair. We did mention that it might be a little bit like the Santa Claus. Well, we had a lot of wanking off material to get to, Alastair. We were in a hurry.

That's right. But you know, somebody that you could elect, I mean, I wonder who you would elect, God. You know, who's your top candidate right now for God? Penny Wong? Oh, Penny Wong. She feels like she'd be a very no-nonsense, efficient God. But also willing to compromise on a lot of her principles for political... I don't know, but once she's God, she can do whatever she wants.

Oh, I don't know. I think they're probably the realities of being God and wanting to be elected God again might mean that she has to still not necessarily do things the way she would want them to be done Okay, yeah, so All right, then we got Aussie God and that's good isn't it and then we got what if blanks were Aussie the God oh God oh

Yes What if waiting for Godot was was Aussie There is fucking Godot That can't got I said he'd be here by now. Yeah, like this. I'm leaving I'm not waiting around for that dog Then we have having having my dog euphemized. Ah, and that's going to be a part of the un-ungraspable sketch show. Then I'm going to do, then we got, sorry, I was writing ungraspable sketch up.

Then we got using the voice box as an ear undercover. Nice. Then we got sneeze and cough based art forms or other mouth or ejaculations arts, you know, art forms. It really tickles your throat. Yeah. Then we got putting laughter into the mouth and comedy comes out at the ears. Also known as French laughing or shallow or as it appears in the film Shallow Throat. This is the most to the think tank idea of the episode I believe yeah, okay?

Well, let's see what about a real Aussie raised talking sausage Gosh that's a strong contender Then we've got ending every movie with the status this statue of Liberty so that you know that it was based on Earth. And then we have the TV show Most Dangerous Animals to Get a Blowjob From. You know what's interesting is that even though there was a lot of like filthy stuff in the episode, not a lot of it made it onto the paper. Yeah, that's just the background hum of the tit vs the titi vs. And I guess, you know, the thing is, is that, okay, maybe you can't get, you know, a whole

series out of the blowjob dangerous animals thing. But then if that's a success, you could probably sell to get handjobs from and then to do all the female ones to get to have to get kind of Lingus performed on you by and to get to get you know finger it or flippered by you know it would be really fascinating to see the differences on those listings I think it would be different on those listings. I think it would be different. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah. All right. Well, I guess we better wrap up this other this this another great episode of two in the think tank. I think it was a really good episode. It was fun. It was a classic episode.

Classic. I think it might even go on the pantheon. Do you think so? Hmm. I don't know exactly. Where is the pantheon here in the world? Well, the pantheon, I believe it's in Greece. I wonder if it's real. I mean, it refers to all the,

the array of gods, of Greek gods as the pantheon. Up on Mount Olympus? Could it be in Up on Mount Olympus? I think that's a great place to put it. Where will we put ours? For all the sketching. Mount Koziosko. Right. Kozii? for all the sketching. Cosy Osco. Yes, right.

If it's cosy. I never realized that's like a Polish word, a Polish name that doesn't sound anything like cosy osco. Really? When you pronounce it properly. Yeah. Interesting.

You know, because if you're going to do this ChristofColom thing, why not do it to Cosiosco and just make it like, cosy? But you know, but also, you know, if you, if you try to change it back to the indigenous name, which we should do and maybe some people are actively trying to do that, there would be people who would complain that we're not calling it what it was supposed to be called, which is Cosiosco. But then of course we're pronouncing that wrong as well. So we're not even calling it what it's supposed to be called when we call it that.

That's another bit of standard that you could do. No, and it was beautifully expressed. No, but I mean there's a good bit there, I think, that you could write out and I think you could really turn it into something good. Great. I'll do it at my French comedy night. Do a bit about a Polish name to get getting changed into an Indigenous name. So many words in this that you won't be able to pronounce. I'm 40 years old now. I know. Happy birthday for a couple of days ago. Thank you so much.

I know I've already reached out. It's good to be here. It's good to do it officially on pod. Thank you. 40 years old. So now we're a couple of 40 year olds. It must be difficult for the listener to hear us age and to hear us probably be so aged.

You know? They're not as sharp as they were back in the day. Back in the days. That's definitely true. You know, back in the above, you know, above a restaurant. I couldn't even name it properly like an old man. Under a restaurant. Still. Yeah. That's good, Andy. Anyway. Look, I hope everybody had fun.

We had fun, and that's the, I guess, the most minimum thing that we can hope for. Yes. And we love you. Bye. Bye. Bye. See ya. Introducing Uber Teen Accounts, an Uber account for your teen with always on enhanced safety features.

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