Two In The Think Tank - 413 -"PUBE VAMPIRE"

Episode Date: February 11, 2024

There's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.Bruce Singsong, Breaking Art, Art Mind Virus, Garbage Bag Horror, Feldon Johns, Fishing Dance Move Sequel, Bumjee Jump, Baby Ground Kick, The 96, I Do Not Eat... Grass.Check out Stupid Old Studios' COMEDY LAB here and support the artist fund if you can.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereEdited by Andy with all the due apologies. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Introducing Uber Teen Accounts, an Uber account for your teen with enhanced safety features. Your teen can request a ride with top rated drivers, and you can track every trip on the live map in the Uber app. Uber Teen Accounts. Invite your teen to join your Uber account today. Available in select locations. See app for details. Hello and welcome to 2 in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Five sketch ideas. I was really happy with that opening song. Yeah, I didn't mind it. We actually both went for percussion.

But sometimes that's good, you know? It's a bit of a crime all. It's a band with two sets of drums. It's Euling two sets of drums. Dueling drum kits. Yes. I had a dream last night, Alastair, where I wrote a song, right? I wrote a song.

And then someone was like, oh, Bruce Springsteen's gonna play that song. And I was like, oh, that's great. And then I went to this concert where Bruce Springsteen was playing the song and he'd really butchered it. I was so disgusted Imagine that and then but then also imagine is like reports written You know like news reports written about your song and how much it's like, you know

It's like they talk about it being a turning point in his career It's like he's lost it and he doesn't have it anymore You know we had like new songs make the news make news reports. Bruce Briggs has got a new song. We interrupt this broadcast to inform you. And they mention your name having written the song. And then you have to fix it. The only way you can save face is by then going on the news and live on the news and performing the song yourself. Oh wow, it's pure true form. Show everybody how much better it is than that Bruce Springsteen version. Yes, Bruce Springsteen ruined my song.

And then you have to like start playing it like ding ding ding sorry wait Ding ding ding wait Ding ding ding ding ding you get the idea I think I mean have we already pitched this before that like that we have we interrupt this program for some breaking art like the idea of like newsworthy art. Somebody's written a poem that's so important that people have to hear it. It's a fundamental insight into the human condition and it's urgent that we get this out there, right because we're always being presented with urgent news about events That occur in the other side of the world that don't affect us. I'm getting a vague memory of it of this idea We have done this

But I do I like it so much the idea of Break what so we interrupt this program for, we have some breaking art? Yeah, cool. Check out this fucking painting. This, yeah. Whoa, look at it. Look at that.

And it's like, oh, listen to this riff and this song. And I guess they have, you know, they could have art critics, you know, frontline art critics, much like a war correspondent, you know, who are just there on the scene as somebody unveils the art and they're responding to it in the moment. Because I think that's another problem is that art critics very often have a lot of time to think about what they're saying about the art. So it doesn't feel like it's a genuine response. It's far too intellectual, but I'd love to see somebody in there on the spot being buffeted, right? By the initial impressions of this raw and, you know, live are currently happening.

Also whilst trying to stay completely, what's the thing that reporters are supposed to be like? Impartial. Objective, impartial and object. You know, and so they just have to actually report on the emotions that they're feeling. Yeah, great. You know, I'm standing here in front of Guernica and you know,

I'm feeling a sense of bafflement at the new style that has been broken through by and the absolute magnitude of this painting. I'm just noticing in the corner some figures that appear to be children adding an extra weight and depth to my comprehension of the depravity of war. Now my producer has told me that the person here represents the Spanish people and therefore that flows on to leave a whole bunch of news sensations in my body which I will now describe. My fingers are tingling, my buttocks are clenched. Wow yeah this I saw Gernigan let me tell you it made my ass slam shut. You could hear the clock as my ass keeps slapped together you know how people usually consider me a bit of a slack

anus yokel well I'll tell you what it wasn't open today I had to pick my ass up off the floor Alistair Love how you went into that thing. They've got to be objective, but what they were being objective about was their Personal emotional response It's an interesting form of objectivity Yeah, but you know there they're trying to not put any judgments on what they're feeling. I'm feeling terrible and I hate it, but who's to say if that's a bad thing? Well I know but they're not reporting on what you know on dislike or like, they're just reporting on the on the feelings. I'm feeling terrible and I hate it. And now for balance, here's a psychopaths

who when I feel terrible, loves it. My brows are down. My fists are clenched. I am punching the painting. I wonder whether this is what the artist wanted. I am participating in some kind of performance artwork. Is this what the artist wanted? It indeed intended. Oh, I see a security guard approaching. It's possible this is not what the artist intended. I feel adrenaline rushing through my veins. I am picking up the closest thing I can swing at this man.

I grabbed a man's handbag. I am hitting the security guard. He is putting his fingers in my mouth. I am biting my fingers. I'm biting my fingers. Are you? Oh, I thought that's what you said. No, I'm biting his fingers because he put his fingers in my mouth. There have been thus far any works of art that have truly driven people insane.

Just looking at it. I'd be pretty good with it. Once? Just a glimpse? Just a glimpse of it. And it sends you mad. Yeah. I mean, it would have to be sort of some kind of like, is this in a way what art is kind

of supposed to be? So it's a visual art, some kind of brain algorithm. We're dipping in and out into brain algorithms that cause some kind of reaction in it. Yeah, I think you're completely right. And you are trying to bypass some of the security as well in the brain. Right? You, you are hoping that you can get past the filters that have been built up to stop things from getting too deep into the brain and fundamentally altering its way of operating.

And I guess it feels, are're describing a woke mind virus. Well, I mean, is abstract art woke? Yes, it is. Yes. I think I think abstract art is woke. I think the only art that isn't woke is hyper realism. Yes. Hyper realism or not hyper realism, just realism. That I don't like the sound of that hyper thing that feels like it might push beyond

Back into the woke zone. I Think it's ultra. I worry that I worry that hyper real in front might confront me with some realities That I'm not prepared to accept Confront me with some realities that I'm not prepared to accept No, I think people say that that hyper stuff is is generally pretty boring because it's just picture quality essentially Yeah, right sometimes but But I had a thought because oh, yeah, I saw a video yesterday about a guy talking about Painting and he's like look at this and you point it painted like you drew like four triangles and he's like look these are kind of you know there's kind of nothing there they're just kind of four triangles they're pretty steamy or

whatever like that and then he draws rectangles around them but he places the triangle in different places in the inside the rectangles of different one one even makes it you know so that the rectangle just goes around a part of the inside of the triangle. And he's like, look, you know, this is kind of a bit nice, you know, and this has got, you know, sort of feels slightly different. And this over here, this is quite interesting. And this is like, so how do we go from feeling nothing

to now feeling something? Because it's in relation to something else. Now we're getting, all we're doing, it's just a triangle in a rectangle. That's making us us feel so and so there's probably a code that you can get into the brain and you can send some kind of coded message or some kind of message that is activate the insanity gene. That we all have within us. Well there must be one. Genetic insanity. Yeah, probably. You're probably right.

Genetic insanity does sound like a fun title for a sci-fi story. Yeah. Yeah, I like that idea. I also like the idea of you've got this painting that sends people insane, right? And you're on a... instead of a killing spree, you're on a sending people insane spree, and you're running around the streets flashing this painting at people and sending them irretrievably insane. You know, I don't know if that's even a crime. It might be a loophole, right? Because you're...

It might be a loophole. What if you're... I think that there's a chance you'll get arrested if you're doing it where you've got the art and you're kind of like you're wearing it maybe around your neck and then you're wearing a trench coat around it. Right? Sure. And you're flashing people like that. I think you might just get accidentally arrested because they might think that you're flashing people like that. I think you might just get accidentally arrested because they might think that you're regular flashing people. Right? And then they'll realize that actually they'll have to let you off on those charges because you're not.

But then they'll go, wait, why are all these people insane? And they might link it back to what you were doing. Yeah, but I don't know if it's a crime to send people insane To show that I don't know if it's a crime to send people insane to confront people with you know and an unfiltered glimpse of the reality that lies beyond our perceptions I know but they probably get you on tax evasion or something They'll go it's not good what you're doing is still not good

It's not good it's not it's not a crime. I mean it's not a label but come on It's definitely bad I mean, I think that they could probably you know press charges. There's probably emotional trauma there or something Yeah A threat to to the public order. Exactly. I was picturing it just so you know, in a bin bag with one of those yellow zip-tiles things. A bin bag? Yeah, you're keeping the art in a bin bag and you're sort of just like... Oh, and then you open that up and you... How are you going to convince people to art in a bin bag and you're sort of just like, oh, and then you open that up and you,

how you gonna give in people to look inside a bin bag? Oh, I think if someone ran up with you, ran up to you, it's something in a bin bag, and I opened it up and said, have a look, I reckon. Yeah, you know what I was picturing this in? Somebody doing it. Imagine this, so somebody comes up and it's like, it's a bin bag, but it looks really

soft, but really heavy and they run over and they go, check it, look at this and it's filled with fresh dog shit. And it sets people irretrievably insane. Just seeing that amount of dog shit, because we've never, we've never seen dog shit in big piles like that before We've seen cow shit and horses in big piles Right people always clean up, but we have we don't we're not aware of the emergent power of that Of dog shit in that volume a small amount is already quite upsetting to see yeah Yeah, actually I saw one earlier today. I pointed out to Otis and it was like, it almost looked kind of intestinal or something like that.

And, and, and Otis was like, I heard Otis go, oh, oh, like, like I, I, I felt the, the disgust activity within the, the revulsionulsion and that was only one single one but it was multicolored. Do you think this is a sketch idea? Well I mean I've written down the insane I mean I think that it'd be insane not to write it down and we have to come up with how many is it five? Yeah I think from memory it's five is the required number. I mean I Think this is one of those ones where we'll look back and we go there wasn't a lot there Whose voice you think I was doing just then how's you? I'll at least give you a chance to guess. Oh, yeah, sorry. Who do you think it was?

Nobody knows what about this LSD It's a reverse cryptic crossword where they give you the word, right, and then they give you a number of letters. Okay. And then you've got to write a cryptic clue into the crossword that describes that word. clue into the crossword that describes that word. So that's pretty horrible, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, I mean, yeah, that does sound really horrible. I mean, I'd be amazed if nobody's done this, but it'd be great for a crypt head like you. Yes, a crypt head.

You're referring to my love of the macabre and the fact that I go and sleep in graves the cemetery That's right. I know you love to sleep with the brains At the at the what at the fishing headquarters, so he said Said at the cemetery. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about Yes. Yes. That's what I said fishing headquarters. Wow. All right, what about this?

Okay, wait, wait. But look, I mean, okay, obviously I want to, like the cryptic thing, like that would, that's just for people who really love cryptic crossroads Because like I I still don't know how to do them Hmm sure, you know and but you've done them for a long time And this feels like it's one of the my greatest weaknesses is that I haven't figured this out This is why I'm always able to get the better of you Alastair because you you're the greatest weakness. I learned about something recently and I thought, how have I not known this?

And I bet you Andy's known this the whole time and he's not even told me. He's probably seen this whole in my knowledge and he's never told me. But I've kept it from you, tell me what it is. You must know about iambic steps. I don't think I do. I think you do because I think in order to write bush poetry, which you do very well whenever you try, I think you need to, I think the whole point is like iambic steps are that thing where it's like a, you know,

a strong, a strong vowel and then a soft vowel or whatever like that. I know, I know about it. Not vowel but syllable, two syllables. Right. I haven't heard the word steps. I know about iambic meter and stuff like that. And I assume this is the same thing.

But I don't know about it explicitly. I only know about it from like sort of what I've instinctively been able to. By the way, you know how I told you I'm going to do a Bush Poem show for the Fringe Festival? I realized something I want to do. I'm going to need another person because I want to write the first Bush Poem duet. You know, like I don't think that's been done. I don't think there are any duets.

So I need to, will the words harmonize in some way maybe I Want this to be the like the Don't go breaking my heart of bush poems Yeah, I don't think that'll be really beautiful Andy It's exciting and maybe you can release a movie called bush poem duets and it's just a copy of regular people doing Bush Poem karaoke Oh, yeah, you know and then you know And then it'll be good Just like the movie duets just like the movie do it

What about this any movie that that exists with, you could do a version with bush poems. Okay, let's think of some. Bohemian Rhapsody. Bush Rhapsody. Well, we don't have to change the name. Rocket Man. Rocket Man. It's about Felden, Felden Jones. Yeah, Okay. And and he's a he's a bush poet. Oh, this is great. I mean, it's amazing to think that the only thing that was really stopping that for being a fully realized idea was having a name for the bush poet. And now that we've got one now that we've cracked the name Felden. We don't even have the name for the bush poem. It's just the name of the poet.

That's what I said. Yeah. Um, yeah. And, and then it's like, so just all the parts where it's just mostly that movie, but then all the parts where he's normally sitting at a piano, he's just sitting on a stool. You know, and telling a bush poem, but in this case, in that one, that'll be really interesting because with Elton John,

because doing a version of that where Elton John writes the music and then another guy writes the lyrics. So this one, he's like, so they all have another guy who writes the poem and then he does nothing. No, I mean, somebody writes the words and he, he goes, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da. Yeah. That's what he brings to the day. the words and he he goes da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Bernie, Bernie Torpen? Is that his name? Bernie Torpen. What a, what a name. Something like that. Um, Bert Tarpaulin, that will be the name of the... But he works with other people and he works with making other kinds of musicals and stuff doesn't he? Yeah, I think he's got a diverse oofra.

I think he, I think he wrote that song. According to, um, we built this city. Yeah. For the starship. Did he wrote that according to if we built this city. Yeah He did yes I didn't know that he had his mitts all over that. Oh, yeah Alastair what about this idea? You know how people on the dance floor they'll do that move, right? Where they They sprinkler. No, I'm thinking of the fishing one, right? Where they pretend to hook somebody and drag them in, right? What about this we release a sequel to that dance move, right? Where you flip that you've got the person, right? And then you flip them up onto a onto a chopping board and you stab them in the

under the neck and drag your filleting knife down through their guts and you rip out all their intestines. Oh yeah. Are people releasing sequels to dance moves? Well, I think it's really good. You scrape all the scales off the side of their body. Yeah, you know what I think would also be a great one for this is you, instead of using a fishing rod, right, the person just stands there and

they kind of like pretend to chew, you know, go down and eat little grass. Oh, great. And you hold up a fake rifle. Oh, great. And then you shoot them and then they go, and they get spooked, but they're clearly hit. Oh, no. And they kind of limp around. And then they try to escape. And then you have to finish them off. Yeah. And they get spooked, but they're clearly hit

And then you have to finish them off. Yeah, you have to pick up a big rock With a rock so you've got a gun right you've got what's hunting with a gun But you don't have a knife Where if it's either gun or then you're back to the most primal weapon of all time. The rock. Well the problem with the gun is hitting something with the butt of your gun is that then suddenly the barrel's pointing towards you. That's true. With an antlered animal I feel, you know antlers are so unpredictable the directions they go in.

I feel like it's dangerous But I do like the sequels to the fishing dance move and that's all I was trying to add on to it You know, I'm not there's no criticism for me. I loved that idea But other kind of animal murdering You know dance moves What about what about this idea right? What about this idea? Right? Land fishing.

You go to a paddock. This is awful by the way. You go to a paddock with a bunch of cows in it or sheep. And you put a hook into a bit of hay. Nice thick strand of hay. And throw it into the field. And you wait till you get a bite from a big cow And then you drag it. Oh god You guys always a fausty one. Oh, you're all

Drag it along the ground. Oh god. That's thrashing about Fun humane way to do that. Ah yes. Well let's see. Like I think for some reason like if it happens with a human and they eat it but it's not like a hook it's instead it's just something that it's like kind of like in one of those like inflatable balloons but inside their stomach. Exactly what I was thinking Oh, that is fun. That is fun. And then it kind of like, then you're pulling at them from their core, which is probably

the strongest muscle in their body. Of course. Yeah. I noticed before, maybe if it was something, the lure is something that's very tempting to put up your butt, right? Because I was thinking what would actually be the best place to pull somebody from, probably around the butt area so you could drag them. So you have something on the end of a...

I mean, I feel like if you had a thing that really goes out, like that really kind of, you know, I feel like there's probably a shelf in there that would act as a very strong anchor like a chassis for the body. Exactly. Exactly. Around the um, you know, the pelvis area. Around the pelvis area, very secure location. You know, and that feels like that would be almost a better place to kind of bungee jump from. To be attached from in a bungee jump. Yeah. They call it the bumgee jump. Satisfying. It genuinely is the bumgee jump. I mean, I'm writing down bumgee jump.

So you do. It's not bum bum g bump. You'd be folded in half, right? I think as you fall presumably or certainly as you rise you'd be folded in half going up but first in the rebound Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, maybe I guess you're right. You could be I feel like I think it's just like your legs Just wouldn't be the you know, they just wouldn't necessarily be the last part of you They don't have to be anymore. They've that's something that bungee jumpers have had forced upon them in the past But that day has ended today with bumgee jump This breaking news this should be breaking news. Yes. Oh We have we have some breaking extreme sports.

Breaking. Vans, you know, vans, the shoes and the brand that kind of used to have vans warped tour. What do you think about that name naming some shoes vans? I tell you what I like it. Do you think there should also be some shoes called motor bikes? Or automobiles Motor bikes everybody loves motor bikes Motor bikes are so cool. Yeah, that's true. There's boat shoes. There's fans shoes.

Here we go. Now we're really getting somewhere else there. This is good. This is good. Yeah. Now there's helicopter parents. And then. And there's that movie Rocket Man. And hang on. The shoes of helicopter parents, yeah.

There's that movie Rocket Man with Felden Jones. And then there's bicycles. And then there's bicycles. There's the bicycle kick in soccer. And they're wearing shoes. Wow, okay. So it all comes back together. Yes, I think we back around in the end. Doesn't it? Especially when you're doing a bicycle kick.

No. People do the bicycle kick, right? In soccer. Yeah. But nobody does the bicycle header, right, in soccer. Yeah. But nobody does the bicycle header. So this is where, because the bicycle kick is where the ball is up above your head and you do a flip in order to kick it in the opposite direction.

But what about the bicycle header? This is where the ball is on the ground level, where one would traditionally use the feet to kick it. But what if you were to do a forward flip and use your head to kick the ball backwards? Oh yeah. So your head kind of grazes the ground. The ground, yes, down there. The ground level, where everybody else's feet are.

And so if you're doing a forward flip, is it hitting you in the back of the head? The forward flip, no. Or are you doing the back of the head? Uh, the forward flip, no. Or are you doing a back flip? I... But like an extended back flip. I don't know if I know. I think that's how you would hit it forward.

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Available in select locations. See app for details. Yes, that's right. Yes, that's correct. If you wanted to hit it forward, you would do a backflip and hit it with the back of your head. But if you want to... No, front of your head. I disagree. I disagree. I disagree. Oh, no, you're right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are right there. Thank you. Once. I mean, I don't think this has been attempted and this could be the thing that blows the game of soccer wide open. Absolutely.

A new kick. This will be like in strictly ballroom, right? But instead of everyone clapping and saying new steps new steps it's new kicks new kicks for soccer. Yeah I wonder if there's a new kick that they could create for soccer which is where you kick with the bottom of the foot and it's a ball it's a ball kicking thing not like you're kicking your fellow opponents. Right so do you lie on your back like a baby and then kick your feet towards the ball with the kicking with the bottom of your feet?

I mean, it feels like if you could pull that off that would be pretty impressive. Your roller guard. Yeah, you laid down. You laid down. Like a baby, like I say, like a baby. Like a baby. Thank you. So wait, so you see, so I guess it's like a baby like I say like a baby. Thank you so wait, so you see so I guess it's like a

Let's say that the opposing goalie has cleared the ball. Mm-hmm, right? So it's up in the air. You're somewhere just after halfway. Mm-hmm, right? And you can see it's coming for you. So you lay down on the ground like a baby. Yes, you put your legs up for you. So you lay down on the ground like a baby. Yes. You put your legs up and then you, but then you spring them back towards you. You coil, you coil them up like a, like a spring and then as it lands, is about to land on you, you release the coil and you hit it with both legs, double the power. Yes. Right. That's just maths. And I assume it just goes straight back into the, to the opposing goal. I'm very excited. We, as, as, as, you know, guys who love to brainstorm and who would love to be

employed by large organizations to reinvent their way of thinking. I think it's about time. FIFA or a, maybe, you know, Real Madrid got a got a some outsiders in to to give them some ideas. I think that's what they need in soccer. Guys who've never played it, right? Come again and saying, look, have you tried this? Exactly. Yeah. And like, you could also have it so that there's you could be instead of laying down on the ground you could be laying on two other guys who are on all fours. Yeah yeah. You know and so it's like one

of those kind of like flying V moves where they go all right activate the baby kick like that and then two guys get down and they're kind of like two back-to-back cows and then they help position you they're like maybe two butt-to-butt cows yeah cows going butt to butt ass to ass the coach yells out ass to ass the two guys get down they say now baby get the baby on there. Like that. And then that's the goalie. It's one of the defenders. And then the third defender is laying on top. Like a baby.

The goal is wide open. This fails big time. But it's never failed in practice. And so they go for it. That's really good. Yeah I'd kill to see that and then I'd love to see the movie, the inspiring movie about these people. Do you think that if you killed to see this like you would be able to take your eye off of the dying person that you'd just killed or that you were killing, you know. Do you think you've killed them before

they died? Like if they're gonna die. Yes. And then now they're just dying. Do you think you've already done the killing? Like your bit is done. Yeah, my work here is done. Absolutely. Now you're just waiting for the body to do its work, which is failing? Yeah. Yeah. I, I, uh, I think if it's a mortal wound, um, I'm entitled to, to, to, to walk away, you know, I've been leaving them for dead and I think that's this exact, you

know, yeah, that's my, yeah. I don't know what I'm saying. But yes, I think that's fine. Like when I am go to the, go to the checkout at a cafe or a shop and I tap my card on the F-POS terminal and I walk away. I walk away knowing that it's already been rejected. I say it's no, no, it's been left for paid that. Oh, yes. Oh, see, I do the same thing, but I go and I, and as I tap it, I say, I'll forget it and I walk away knowing that it's going to be rejected since I have no income. And, and then I, yeah, the same thing as you said, but the negative version.

But the other version. Oh, I got very tired during that sentence. Alastair, I... Oh my gosh. Me too. Me too. What happened? Did we...

I think what's nice about this new arrangement that we've got is now it's evening over there and it's early morning over here. Now we both get to be tired, but different types of tired. That's the exciting new development. You're on the way down and I'm on the way up. Yeah, it adds a new dynamism to the show. You know, there's like, I think there's enough tiredness differential between us that there's some kind of electric charge. I think that, you know, we've managed to keep the essential core of the podcast, which is too tired guys try to be creative, but by diversifying the forms of lethargy that we are experiencing,

it does give it this sort of, you know, stereo kind of feeling of like there's two different things. There is a dynamism to the stasis that we're experiencing. Dynamic, dynamic, I wonder, you know, like how there's the, you know, there's the way that you can, sorry, you, you actually had an idea to send. You're not going to like it, Alastair. Yeah. It's about, um, about, what's his name? Buckminster Fuller and his theory of dynamic,

Dimexian, his Dimexian theory, dynamic maximum tension was his design philosophy for things like the geodesic dome and the Dynamax car. But my idea is for dynamic maximum lethargy. See it's absolutely nothing. But man there was a lot of boring details. There was it was it was a car that he designed along the according to the philosophy of this. If you if you if you ever saw a geodesic dome and thought I wish that was a car well. Yeah yeah, I'm gonna. I mean, it looks like a submarine combi. Yeah. His, yeah, his car. Yeah, it's really weird. The, I mean, the driver sits way out over the front wheels. Yeah. Yeah, no, I love that. I love a bit of

forward weightedness. Well, it's like what we talked about with animals, where like a dog, apart from humans, every animal goes everywhere head first at all times. Insane design. Yeah, and it's the same with the Dimexian car. What would it be like to drive a dog? What would it be like to be a, to drive a dog? What would it be like to drive a dog? Doggy style.

Yes, Andy. Yes. The Hounds Way. This is how, what's her name describes it? Who does that? That's funny. It's one of my favorite comedians whose album I listened to years and years ago called Quality Notions. And she's apparently been performing a version of that album, but that has been more blowjob themed for years on stages and it's now just become a Netflix special. Jacqueline Novak.

Oh, wow. Blowjob. And so it's just released. Yeah, it's called Get on Your Knees is the name of the thing. And so, but it's not all, like it's one of the most tasteful, like fallatio themed pieces of artwork that you'll ever enjoy. It's one of the most tasteful, like,

fallatio-themed pieces of artwork that you'll ever enjoy. Gosh, fallatio is a- You should watch it with your beloved. It's a fantastic, it's such a beautiful word for that name. Thank you very much. Like, are there like words for all the six acts? And do they all sound that good?

Mm, yeah. I think, I wonder what they would do with the 69, you know, what they would, how they would name it in Latin, in the Latin, Latin land. Oh, well, I mean, would they have to use Roman numerals? I don't know, I don't know if it would, I don't know if it's translatable to Roman numerals because what would it be? Yeah, now 50. That's L. So 69 and Roman numerals would be L X I X L X I X nice. I X

Yeah, I Guess it wouldn't be nice though. Would it would probably be Ben no or something like that. But it kind of means almost a different thing. It's like a foot next to an anus. Yeah. Next to a finger next to an anus. Yeah, well that's a kind of, is that a kind of 69 where one person has

their foot in somebody's anus and the other person has a finger in their anus? Yes, I think that is a form. I Don't think it is Yeah Wait now before before when you were talking about the when you but went into that thing. Oh, man, I'm not gonna remember so But you know what the power of the tooring Forget it. I was about to try to come up with the version the the fingering version of with toes And today I mean I am feeling like

That's a 69 where you can't bear to look at one another That's a 69 where you can't bear to look at one another. Right? Or, I guess in a regular 69 you're not looking at one another. Right? You're not looking at one another. What about this? It's a 69, but you're just pressing the back of your heads into the other person's butt crack.

So the 96. Right? Yeah, the 96. Hey? Yeah, the 96. And you're just, you're trying to get it in there and you're just trying to get them to feel something. Yeah. Wow. I mean, it's oil the back of your head or something. It feels like it feels like a 69 for enemies, right? Because it's like you're both walking away from one another. You've turned your back on. No, but you're not walking away. Yeah. You're not, you're walking backwards from one another. You've turned your back on them. No, but you're not walking away. Yeah.

You're not. You're walking backwards into each other. You might be wanking away. You're, you're pleasuring one and yourself, but with the back of your head pressed into their butt crank. I think I would like to see one video of this. The 96. It's very interesting, I think. Very interesting.

What's the most interesting sex move? Not necessarily the easiest. I mean, maybe, oh, you know what? I think that you could actually use each other's butts as like a airline pillow. By getting your neck rod in there and just like having like tremendous neck support. Yeah, but you're still got to be on your side for this to be feasible. So I don't think it would be.

Not necessarily. What if you were both in a big spherical tunnel or like in a sphere both supporting each other? You know both standing up Okay, I think it would have to be somewhere in space and you'd have to be it would have to be You know you'd have to have your own gravitational Something or other I think I think it would only work in space. It doesn't matter. I think we need to think of positions that will work in space. That's true. I wonder if Elon has got anybody on this for those long trips to Mars.

He wants to come with the, I come up with these ones himself. Andy, I think that as you know, I have a little bit of a limited timeframe. So I think that we should go to three words from a listener. I think that's a great idea. And I'm sure that when we read through the sketch ideas at the end of the episode, we're gonna feel great about all of them, especially some of these long pauses,

which I hope you've also been writing down. I've been writing been writing them down Andy what if two guys on the opposite side of the world weren't talking to each other what would that be like well I don't think the pauses have been that long now today's listener Andy is James Roy James Roy James Roy jeez I just wonder how long do you think James Roy has been sending in sketch ideas it feels like the longest time. Yeah. Yeah. And because his name is so short. I mean, for the longest time, I don't think I think what I like about James Roy is that I don't think you get that many people certainly not on this podcast

where their first and last names are both just one syllable. You could just show get through it so quick. It's like if Tyra Banks' name was Ty Banks. Ty Banks. Ty Banks. That's the stupidest thing you've ever said, Alastair. I'm glad that you enjoyed it, because it was almost nothing. But luckily it was something.

The stupidest thing I've ever said. Well I think that's part of what makes it so stupid. It's like if Tyra Banks' name was Ty Banks. Yeah. Well because at first, after you said James Roy, and you said people with one symbol each name, I went who who's an example of that I went Tyra Banks that doesn't work I can easily fix this look look but why throw away the the idea just because it doesn't work in this situation. Exactly. I mean think about this one. Ba oh. Is that Barack Obama? Yeah. Oh, win. Oh, win. Oh, pro win free. Oh, win. Oh, Barakma Barma.

Barakma Barma. It's Barry Menelow. It's Barry Menelow. Is it really? Yeah. Fuck, have we just discovered that you don't, you only need the first syllables of things about? What about this one, Eddie?

Toha. Um, Tom. No, Toha. Ha Tom I mean that's a one syllable anyway Tom is one syllable anyway I'm not sure Tom Hanks Tom Hanks, so it's like five single syllable names Yeah I know

Got ya You got one James Roy So now thanks for that, James Roy. Yeah, I know. I know, I know. Got ya. You got one. James Roy. So now, thanks for that. James Roy. So today, James Roy sent in three words from a listener. So if you were interested in guessing the first word, then that would be delightful. Three words from a listener.

That's even one more word than there are syllables in his name. This is probably the longest phrase that James Roy's ever had to conceive of. Okay, first word is lasagna. Oh God, it had the same right number of syllables. No, but it's gingerly. Gingerly. We might have done these words before. Oh no. Second word licking.

No, Andy. No. Gingerly we might have done these words before. Oh, no second word licking No, Andy no Blondly. Oh, no, we haven't done this gingerly blonde Lee Poor gingerly straw barrier Lee Andy mm-hmm Brunette Lee. No. Gingerly, blondly, brunette Lee. Wow. Okay.

What about this? By the way, yeah, yeah. You're at a glory hole pleasuring somebody. You notice that they have blonde pubic hair and you say, you say, oh, Andy, your plane is so big. Yeah, that's correct. What do you think of this idea?

And you say, ooh, do the drapes match the carpet? That's the only way that I think about it. And the person behind the wall says, well actually that reminds me of the Dynamax vehicle. Buckminster Fuller had an interesting thing to say about this. Sorry, okay, where were you headed with this gingerly blonde Libranetly? No, that was all I was just saying. You know, the when people, when, you know, that thing that you have to say

when you meet a blonde person, which is do the carpets match the drapes? Well, I was just thinking of it. Oh, I didn't know you'd say that a blonde person. Cause until the last few years, I didn't even realize it was possible for people to have different colored pubes. I thought everybody had to have dark pubes.

No, no, fortunately not. It just seems insane. God has given us the right to. What about your armpit hair? Blonde? Also blonde, sort of almost transparent. Really? Yeah, it looks like fishing wire. Like a sort of like a polar bear's armpits. Exactly.

Yes. Anyway, but do you- So what colour is your actual skin then? My skin. Is that the one that's- My skin's black. Is that black? Yeah.

Your skin's black. Um, anyway, I feel like by, by you failing to acknowledge there being anything at all about my thing with the pubes, it feels like I just brought up glory holes for no reason. And I'm feeling uncomfortable. Okay. Do you understand what I was trying to do with that? Do you do the, all, all do do the does the carpet match the drapes? Yeah, but to the drapes you're doing the opposite you're doing that. I'm doing the opposite you Can you acknowledge that there might have been something there even if it's nothing good?

Yeah, I can acknowledge that there was something there like that. It was just the opposite, right? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah What about what about this Alastair? This is something this is a thought I had that I'm going to upfront say is probably not an okay to thought to have right and okay Is might make me a bad person in some way I'm not sure of the details of how this will how it does that. Before you say it, before we leave the glory hall.

No, we're not leaving. It's another glory hall. I don't know. Okay, great. Well, what about this? So you're going to glory hall, this person puts their stuff through, and then the person starts eating all of the hair,

and then leaves. Ha ha ha ha. They ate some leaves as well The person's like oh that's interesting what's happening go oh pull out some hair Stop like that and then you look down no hair is anymore The person is gone. They're gone. They hairs anymore. Yeah, you pull my person is gone They're gone. They're gone. They just they just grazed upon it. They've nibbled it down and there's some kind of pubic Instead of instead of saying I do not drink wine they say I do not eat grass

I only eat pubes I think a pube vampire. I think I might like this idea even more than The piss vampire that we came up with because this one is sort of is like a vegetarian vampire in a way, aren't they? Because the grout the pubes are definitely even more than the hair on the head. It definitely is the grass of the body So, that's right. I mean you can picture them sometime You may be like as a snack that they're just at home and they're they've got those like strips of hair that's been like that's stuck in wax that's been from from beauticians that have like waxed people. Wow. And they're just kind of like picking out the hairs and eating that as a snack like that. Oh that's really, it's incredible. Yep, just a bag of hair. Um, I think that's really good movie where all these pubes vampires live in one house together

What we do with the pubes It's really good Do with the pubes we eat them, we eat them. Oh, in brackets we eat them. In second brackets, because we're pubes and politics. Great. Great. Do you need to go, Alastair? Do I need to let you leave? I do need to go, so I apologise that I'm just in the time you did it.

Well then, that means I don't have time to tell people my horrible idea Well, you know, I think write it down put it somewhere where somebody that loves you can find it at some point and be shocked Yeah, and then I mean, I guess you know and just because I mean maybe it'll also be great for you to never to not say it out loud But I want to hear it at some point. Okay, great. Yeah, it might be nothing as well. You might hear it and you'd be like that's not even horrible. It's just a waste of my time. It's just Andy being a prude. Mmm. Alright Alastair. Let's go. Let's go through the sketch ideas quickly. Oh you gotta read the sketch ideas.

Oh yeah no no no. Andy's dream, Bruce Springsteen ruins a song Andy wrote. Wow, you wrote that down, that's incredible. Yeah, we interrupt this program, we have some breaking art, and then there's a reporter reacting live. Then we have Using Art to Bypass Brain Security and Send People Insane. We have People with Gar bag full of dog shit to drive you mad. Felden Jones, Rocket Man, but Bush Poem.

Sequel to Fishing Dance Move and Other Animal Murdering Dance Moves. Bumgy Jump. We've got the baby ground kick. Get new brains in to come in, to come up with new soccer ideas. And then we have the 96 and we have pube vampire. I think that did that new soccer idea thing is good because like it's a bit like that Wayne Gretzky thing about he was the one who scored from behind the goal or whatever

the fuck that was. Right. Because he done it so much that he was able to think of that. But I also feel like people who'd never done hockey before or knew anything about it would have been able to come up with that idea. Yeah, maybe much quicker. Right. It's not the 10,000 hours. It's the zero hours. Right? It's not the 10,000 hours. It's the zero hours. Yeah. And then you got to get back to that. You got to 10,000 hours. So because you need three, you need four zeros just to make up, to make up the one zero that you lost. Exactly.

Once you get a one in there, you need a whole lot more zeros to balance that out. All right, Alan, let's go. Bim tka e u, tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e bim tka e b Hello to Felix and his partner Felix is actually from Australia but But lives in Montreal and is like the opposite his partner said that he's like the opposite of me He moved over when he was 13 and is now like still speaks with an Australian accent But knows how to speak French in Montreal. That's amazing. You guys should never touch. I hope you didn't touch because you won't explode. We didn't allow that. We wouldn't have allowed that Andy. We knew what the dangers were. We could smell it straight away. But we did 96. Because we were complete enemies. But we put enough grease between us that we never did touch Anyway, me and Felix did not grease and touch in that way. I'm sorry Sorry Felix

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