Two In The Think Tank - 418 - "MANGER DANGER"

Episode Date: March 18, 2024

There's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.SKETCHES TBCCheck out Stupid Old Studios' COMEDY LAB here and support the artist fund if you can.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereEdited by Andy with all the due apologies. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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See app for details. Rattata, rattatapati, rattati, jibbideeba da doo, jibbideeba da doo, doobadoobadoobadee, ta ta. Hello and welcome. I've made 10 seconds of that economy. That's really got to fit the herd. Hello, welcome to Do It The Think Tank. I hope the mic wasn't up too loud because your ears must be bleeding. Hello and welcome to To The Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas.

Five sketch ideas? Five sketch ideas? He's Andy. Five sketch ideas? He's Andy. Five sketch ideas? And I'm also George William Chalmlyworth Choll. And what a, we're full of goodness here and ready to let it sort of ooze out of us

and into your ears. That's right, yes, separating. We've talked previously on the podcast about how milk is just filtered blood, right? But then does that make cheese just a filtered blood scab? Is cheese just scab? And if so, does it have a bacteria put in it? Could it be infected? Could it be an infected blood scab, filtered blood scab? Thank you for cleaning this up for me Alastair. Thank you for bringing us back to why we're here.

Yes Alastair, I think that's correct and I think we should start a campaign for truth in advertising where cheese can now, now must be referred to as infected filtered blood scab. I think it'll, it's, this there's a many many ways in which this is good. Number one, okay, it'll push us back towards or it'll push the cause of people consuming less dairy which might save the planet. Number two, okay, it'll certainly, remember when that cheese in Australia with the racist name, remember when they renamed it and a lot of people were up in arms. Yes. Oh, you can't call the cheese anything anymore They were saying they weren't they weren't up in arms much like babies are were they no

No, these were people that were babies like that. Although they were Behaving in a childlike manner. Yes. No, you're right You know that this will put it all in perspective is what I'm saying. They'll probably start, they'll shut up about that now because they'll have other things on their mind. That thing that we've just reminded them of. Yes, finally, that nobody's talked about for probably three years.

Now that'll finally be off the agenda. Yeah, because you know, it's also because, you know, as it happens with regions, you know, as, as it happens with regions, you know, champagne region doesn't want people outside of champagne to use their words, um, their name, get that brand recognition. The guy who first said the word cheese, he probably would feel the same way about cheese like that, that it would suck that for him that suddenly he made this good thing. I mean he might, you know, and then he named it. He gave it a name that worked,

that really caught on. Yes. And which is really the best, it's verbal, it's, you know, it's marketing. He invented a brand. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he, he, it was branding for, because originally people were just calling it infected blood scape It's like when they changed Chinese gooseberry to Kiwi fruit. Yes exactly like that and so he doesn't get any credit for that and People are using his good word cheese to sell cheese and he's

he's probably somewhere just in squalor living in squalor probably a grave a deep grave what are the most squalored places yeah you could live oh imagine that though if your house was so dirty because imagine this you sort of like you know how you get dust on things and dirt accumulates in a house right? Alistair I know what you're talking about. Yeah so now could it be is there a point in which your house if just left to its own devices could it fill up completely with dirt? You know, could it be like, could you picture somebody, you know, like a week out from... Alastair, do you want me to put the camera on my phone and show you what that looks like in real life? Yeah, but I mean, could you imagine a week out from it being full being full you know a guy standing on his tippy toes with his head just you

know. I think he's crawling around on top of the pile. Oh you think so yeah. I think he's crawling around close to the ceiling bumping his head on the on the on the lights and that sort of thing because of the layer of dirt. So. And the lights would either be stuck on or off because he can't can't reach the switch. Maybe what he does is he just keeps them on and he just turns the bulb on and off. What about instead of vacuuming your house you just turn down the lighting? It's what they do in hotels I believe. That's why they can get away with having such filthy carpets.

Just make it darker and darker until you can't see the dust. Your wife comes in and says, I can see dust anywhere. You say, leave it to me, honey! You get out the vacuum cleaner and you use the end of the nozzle to push the dimmer switch and rotate it down. You know what you could do though as a great response to your wife in that case. and rotate it down. You're welcome, my beloved. You know what you could do though, as a great response to your wife in that case, is that you could, she goes,

this house looks, look how dirty, look at all the dirt in this house, like that. And you go, oh my God, I'm not really seeing it. Let me just clean my eyes. And then you spray your eyeballs with Windex. Right? Like that. And then you go, ah, that's not working. But then suddenly you are blind and you actually can't see the dirt. And then it's not your responsibility to clean. What about this? You spray your eyes with Windex, right? It's, you scream in pain, okay? You get out a rough cloth, you scrub away at your eyeballs,

screaming in pain some more, okay? You take the cloth away, you say, my God, that was the most agonizing thing I've ever experienced. But it turned out it was my eyes My eyes were the thing that had the dirt all over them now Now the ball is in on her court in her court if she refuses to clean her eyeballs This agonizing fashion. She can't prove that

The dirt isn't actually on her eyes. That's right, because she's probably going, no look, and she picks up handfuls of dirt and she sprinkles it down like that to show that it actually, he goes, no that is still just air that you are picking up. It must be disturbing the dirt particles in your eyes and making them appear to move. The wind, yes, it's an optical illusion. The reason you can feel it in your eyes and making them appear to move. The wind, yes, it's an optical illusion. The reason you can feel it in your hand

is just the eye expects dirt to be in your hand because there's so much in front of your eye. Yes, a lot of vision is actually an act of creativity performed by the brain. Most vision is actually smell. Is that because like most taste is actually smell? That's right Andy, that's right. Very good Alice, they're actually all the senses are actually smell. They're actually just smell, it smells the only one that works. If you hold your nose and look at the sunrise, it's actually very dull. Actually, there's no magic to it at all.

If you hold your nose and gaze upon the smile of a newborn babe, it actually fills you with apathy and nothingness. It has no inherent value. And the baby thinks you're saying that it is stinky. Actually that might even work for babies because babies do have a smell that makes you love them. Is that right? They do have a smell that makes you love them.

This... I've got a smell that makes you love me. It's Chanel number five. That's what my baby had because I've got rich friends. God, wouldn't it be great to have rich, generous friends? Always giving you more perfumes and fragrances. Yes, bringing my children sort of perfumes and balms. Mmm, bombs. I guess that's what the the gifts for the baby, gold, frankincense and myrrh, they were rich. Indeed. The baby, sorry, the baby I was talking about there was Jesus.

Imagine how they bring frankincense, it's funny because, you know, wait, what's the, it's frankincense, myrrh and what's the other one? Gold. You know, they sort of almost all could be misinterpreted as men's names, you know? Frank. Frankincense. You know, maybe? Merv. Yeah, yeah. And Cole. Oh wow wow they really could be Alastair you know

when you first said it I was like I don't know if I see it myself but it's just because I was holding my nose then I let go of my nose and now I see it oh they showed up it's the three wise men. Merck, Frank, and Sense. And... Sense, that man's name. Sense. No, his name is full. He's for some reason, he's the only one who goes by his full name. Frank and Sense.

Ad Sense. He's the guy who later on created that ad company. What's AdSense? What does that? I don't know, but I know the word, but I don't know what it is. I feel like I've seen it on the internet. Google AdSense is a program run by Google through which website publishers

in the Google network of content sites surf text images, video, or interactive media advertisements that are targeted to the site, content, and audience. Now, we here at Tune the Think Tank support... What about that? I mean, there's got to be so many jokes about... Sorry, Alastair, I'll let you say what you were going to say. I had nothing else to say, Andy. Great. There's got to be so many sketches about those three wise men

bringing the thing, bringing that stuff, right? I mean, my first instinct is that it's a miracle that none of them brought a copy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar, something that I think we've received at least two copies of every time we have a baby. And that's often... That's incredible. So we have several thousand copies now as you could imagine yeah well on account of the number of babies that's right because you have several thousands divided by eight a hoard yes and so there's that or

it could just be that they're they're coming and they're bringing the myrrh and she's already got a whole lot of myrrh. She puts it in the pile. She's got to act really happy to see it, but then she puts it in the pile and there's actually heaps of other myrrh. How's myrrh made? Oh my god. Myrrh made? Oh my god. Mermaid? I guess when he brought the mer he was a mer man wasn't he?

Yeah, wait, mer is M-Y-R? How is it? It's M-Y-R-R-H I think. M-Y-R-R-H, of course. Yes, as it sounds. It's spelt as it sounds. Oh, it's an exudate of the trees of the comophora species. It is collected by injuring the outer bark of the trees and allowing myrrh to exude and dry to form tears, which can be used as is. You could just use those tears as is for crying, I suppose. And or after extraction of different forms such as essential oils, gum, resin and or tincture. So she could be like doing a lot of tinting after tincting. She could be like, you know, changing the color of her car. I think, do you think there'd be a good film in, you know, just the three wise men walking there, you know, on the camels or whatever, all riding in, it's just them chatting. It's kind of like a before sunset and after sunset or whatever. Sure, sure. Those link later films where it's just two people talking for the whole thing. I love it. I mean, it's a classic Hollywood prequel as well, because we've had the story of Jesus.

And then we're like, how can we spin off? What other characters have we got? We've got these three guys going on a journey. The passion of the Christ extended universe. Yes, exactly. And, you know, we had the video that showed us where did the video, the film that showed us where did Han Solo get his name, Han Solo. We had the video that showed us where did the video, the film, where did Indiana Jones get his hat. We'd always wondered where did he get his hat. You know how when you watch a movie and you're like, where did they get those pants? We were watching.

Oh, they didn't explain how how he when he put those socks on Was just like I was watching Philadelphia the other day and just thinking where did he get these shirts? We see him with the shirts. Yeah, but I want to know But why didn't they go into that? But you know, but also where So where did they get the mer? Where did they get the gold? No, but like even just like the, you know, like they're on their way there

and they must be kind of going like, I wonder if this time, like we, you know, they've probably followed a couple of stars in the past that have been false alarms, you know? And then gotten there and they go, how do you even know if you're under a star? Yeah, totally.

You know, and then, and especially because like the longer you walk during the night, the star moves. Yeah. Well, I think this was a low one. I think this was a low hanging star. Yeah. And it never moved. That's my feeling. Yeah. That's my feeling. Anyway,'m a shame, but I haven't looked into the the science of it And then they'll be on the walk back where they'd be like fuck or no not great conditions for that baby I give I give Spacious start hmm there you go. I get that baby

Three days do you reckon when they were approaching the manger, they were like, oh, fingers crossed that the savior, the newborn savior isn't like a sheep or something like that. Like you would have assumed as you realized that the star is over a barn, you're thinking, oh God. Yeah.

It's an alpaca. Oh yeah, and then of course, yeah. Get in and whew, thank goodness, it's a human baby in there. I mean, they were ready to just bomb up that, just bomb up that llama. Bama llama. Just get absolutely bama llama.

And just like grease up this llama and then go and then like I guess I guess God will be pretty happy with what we did. Yeah. I mean if because if you couldn't talk to the parents and sort of tell them here's the present you know because of the mom and dad are like are llamas. Well not the dad obviously the dad is God. God had sex with a llama or whatever. Oh no.

And um, but yeah, so then you have to, or, Oh that's what they would have been thinking. They would have been thinking, oh no, God is into bestiality. As they approach the barn, they're like, oh no, he's done it dirty style with a cow or a pig or something. Lama style, dirty style. Yes. Dirty style. That's what I call it. What do you call it?

You probably call it clean style. Alastair. Yeah. Um, the guy who brought the gold, that's the equivalent of giving cash, isn't it? Because he forgot to get anything. Like at the time, that would have just been cash. Yeah, and then they were like, one of the other guys just had an extra intricate box. And it was just like, yeah, all right, just put it in this at least.

Put it in the box from the mur. Just put it in this all night box at least so it's not, you know, just handing them cash. You know, maybe the other guy who was bringing the mur, he just had like pockets full of Just put it in this all night box at least so it's not you know just handing them cash You know, maybe the other guy who was bringing the Murray just had like pockets full of sap Yeah, it's not even a voucher. It's not even a voucher Cash, I mean, you know, these are people don't even give you plant extracts really that much not anymore I mean maybe like some sort of I guess giving some sort of hand cream is not out of the question a lot of the time that's sort of flavored with your your fringe your panting or something like that. Yeah I mean but

there's a bit of work that's been done there hasn't it? Sure. It probably comes in a packet you're still not bringing that in your pockets and you're just pockets full of hand cream. Yeah you're right. That's That's a perfect idea, Andy, by the way. Because you put your hand in the pocket. You've always put your hands in your pockets. So you may as well just have a cream pocket. Yeah, just filled with hand cream because guys always forget to moisturize. So just fill your pockets with cancino.

That's a sketch. That's a life hack. That's a sketch. You know, because I mean like, because the guys will go in, they'll go in and get cash and their hands will come out super creamy. And then they'll have to rub it all over their skin in order to make their hands, you know, capable of functioning within society. Gripping doors. So then they'll do all their heels and they'll do their bellies and stuff like that and their arms and stuff, the back of their neck. You and so so they're constantly during the day every time there's it's and this is kind of like, you know It's like incidental exercise or whatever, you know You you go up this you choose to go up the stairs or whatever because you're going that way anyway. Well, this is

incidental Moisturization but I feel like as a man. Yeah May as men we you know We're supposed to be the opposite of women. That's the law. And so we are supposed to, I think we should be aiming to have drier and drier hands. Really our hands, our pockets should be full of that chalk that gymnasts use. And then when you're giving a handshake handshake got the grip you've got when you go to open a door handle Yeah, you know you the grip that you can get on that door handle that that door handle would be almost you know

What's what's that thing when somebody shakes your hand? They're really strong and how you feel it's a Dominated feel dominate that door handle feel dominated, feel dominated. That door handle feel dominated, intimidated, intimidated. Well, how about this, Andy? I think a modern man would probably have one pocket full of chalk and one pocket full of moisturizer. You know, and so, I mean, and then you probably have something in your back pocket. Oh, and it's a... A gun and... Bandages. Bandages, yeah. The modern man pocket pants.

And this is just another way in which men will have it hanging over women's heads, how many pockets we have because now not only do we have pockets but they come with stuff already in them. What about this a gun that shoots band-aids have they done that? That's perfect no Andy they haven't. Or that shoots doctors like a doctor. Oh great. You know that would be perfect for a war zone. Human cannon, but in the cannon, a doctor. Yeah, it's because the human cannon, they never use it for transport. They just go to a net. The Red Cross really should get onto this, shouldn't they?

They should be able to fire in an artillery fashion, medically trained frontline workers, bombard, they should be a cluster bomb where you have an entire graduating class of doctors strapped around a small explosive. You drop them onto the ground, explode, sending doctors in all directions. Oh, like a dirty bomb. Exactly. Yeah, a cluster bomb of some sort that's dropped and then a whole hospital of doctors falls out. I mean it feels like that's kind of almost more what you would have for the nurses because there's so many nurses per doctor. You need more nurses.

Yes you're right and you might not be able to do the same intensity of Medical Claire care, but you're going to be able to perform much more general medical care and a low level right and It's funny. I was gonna write down a gun that shoots doctors, but that's any gun But you know a special gun just for shooting at doctors. That's interesting too. I mean that is really good. You know, but it's a gun where you're allowed to shoot doctors.

I mean, isn't that interesting that, you know, we... You know, you... It's like the Golden Snitch, sorry. Like it's a special thing. I wonder if doctors are harder to kill. This is awful. Well, they're kind of like Wolverine, aren't they? Because they have healing powers.

Yes, indeed. And if you want to, and they have knives in their hands. I'm using a different sense of in obviously. Yeah. But in their hands often they have some scalpels that come out. Oh, that'd be a great Wolverine doctor scalpels that come out through the in between his knuckles. Oh, and then there's bad people and then he does performs surgery on them that somehow fixes, he fixes all their problems surgically. Correct.

And that takes away all their trauma and whatever made them follow a life of crime. I mean, that does actually sound like another kind of doctor, like a superhero doctor slash, you know, doctor that is a, like a psychologist who, within his superpowers that within one session he can cure you of your want to be evil. I mean yeah that's right he just has to get you on to a couch and then you're... And in order to do that he he has developed extreme strength so he throws you across the room

and just tries to get you on there he's a wrestler slash psychologist yeah he can yes but then he does it a lot of it is done with listening. Once, you know, once he gets you on that couch, you are putty in his ears. Because like, it's like that you're using as sort of like earplugs or? No, no, no, no. I realized that's one way you could interpret that sentence, but no, it's not. And I think given the context the listeners will be able to interpret exactly what I was saying there you putty in possible I was gonna say putty in his mouth but then I thought that that's that's if you were

he was using his power of oratory but that's that's definitely a way you could you could definitely describe somebody who's a very good public speaker. You say, oh Barack Obama, I saw him give his State of the Union address, and let me tell you, I was putty in his mouth. He... I can't think of another single expression that... What about this? What about this? Somebody who's a very good lover. You could say, I was putty in their thighs. You should have seen it. Oh, you know, you're making love to this person.

Oh yes. And so then they were... I forget what being putty in somebody's hands means. But no, I do kind of know what it means I I feel like I'm choosing I think it's because I'm I'm not able to use it as nimbly as you seem to be well it's putty in my mouth Alistair in your mind yeah I mean look I wrote down the psychologist superhero who removes your desire to be evil. Yeah, I think it's great. It's great.

We should write a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen style book where one of the characters is Sigmund Freud. I don't know if we ever hear about Sigmund Freud being really great at curing anybody's mental problems. We hear a lot about his theories, but I don't know, did he actually help people as well, or did he just say stuff? I think he was a good stepping stone.

He was an important stepping stone. A stepping stone, sure. Yeah, but it would be fun to see him in a kind of superhero style, style situation where he was fighting crime of some sort. Yeah, great. You know, and then, and that if he did wrestle,

but also if he did use like one of those like watches that he, you know, that dangle, you know, like a pocket watch. Bit of hypnosis. But no, but I think use it more as a, like a, like a nun. To time the session. No. Sorry. a nun to time the session. No, sorry Oh, sorry. Yeah, that's good too. Because people are a bit like Pokemon

You kind of got a yeah, you got a you got a weaken them a little bit before you can I mean would he hit them with a couch like a wrestler hitting somebody with a With a chair, I guess if if he knocks you unconscious right but then he and you're like laying on the ground face down and then he puts the couch on top of you so then you're technically sitting on the couch you know your butt is on the couch. That's technically sitting if that's the case yes. Yeah technically sitting. I mean in the reference frame of the couch,

I believe the entire Earth is in fact sitting on the couch in that case. In fact, Mr. Freud is being crushed by the Earth. And you know what? What about a Buddhist superhero who doesn't kill people but he is able to achieve the death of their ego.

He's able to just completely kill their... Like, I mean, that's amazing. It's like, so he would... I mean, I guess in a way destroy your confidence in yourself? It's not, I think when we talk about the death of the ego, I don't think it's necessarily about destroying your self-confidence, although that would be a good superhero as well. Somebody who just fills you with self-doubt. Actually, that's way better. That's a really good one.

And you know who they call it? Oh, they call them the mean girl. Oh very good I was gonna say the mother. I mean sometimes mean girls turn into mean mothers. There you go this is not this is just like to say this does not reflect my opinion of or my relationship with my own mother but I'm just saying sometimes they are capable of saying one or two things that really do go to the core of you. That's right and this does not affect this is not about my relationship with your mother either or either. No indeed. That would be another good superpower being able to turn into the person you're

fighting, being able to turn into their mother. I think that's really good. Assume the form of their mother. So wait, the superhero or villain who turns into your mother. I'm turning into your mother. I'm doing it very slowly over 35 years, a bit like how your sister is. Every time I look in the mirror, I just think the same thing. Introducing Uber Teen Accounts, an Uber account for your teen with enhanced safety features. Your teen can request a ride with top rated drivers and you can track every trip on the

live map in the Uber app. Uber Teen Accounts, invite your teen to join your Uber account today. Available in select locations. See app for details. else. That was a great Andy's Oatsman joke I heard the other day. The older I get as the years go by, I keep fighting myself turning into my father, but then he will insist on standing in the middle of the driveway. But, and were you also referring to the Sarah Silverman joke before? Which one? What's that one?

She says, the other day I was licking pudding off of a penis and I remember thinking, oh my god, I'm turning into my mother. Something like that. and I remember thinking oh my god I'm turning into my mother I wasn't referencing that no it's a good actually it's a good joke I think she I've seen somewhere where she's like that was one of the only jokes she'd ever bought from somebody who's like somebody had written it and wasn't really a comedian. They were just like, this is just too good to stay in my hands. I owe it to the world to get this out there. I'm thinking of putting it into the public domain.

Andy, what do you think we just go to three words from a listener? Sure, sure. I've been having such a good time, Alastair. It would be a shame to ruin it by continuing to do the podcast. Well, I just thought that there was a chance that maybe we were going to record multiple episodes because you're about to go into a period of busyness. Mm-hmm. I'm going into busyness. And he's going into busyness for himself. And for his family. And he doesn't do anything for himself. And for his family, Andy doesn't do anything for himself.

A busyness man. Andy, today's three words come from a listener. And today's listener is, do you wanna guess who the listener is? Let's see, is it Tempest Marauder? No, Andy, you couldn't be further from the truth, it's Bee Boon. Bee Boon! Bee Boon, Bee dot Boon, now it could be pronounced Baboon.

Baboon is such a good word. I think it could be Bee Boon's first... I think it's their first time, welcome Bee Boon. Bee Boon. And it could be Brendan, welcome. Yeah, babe. Boom. Boom. I got a good feeling about this. I think you're gonna Patrick Mmm, I think you're gonna nail this. Yeah. Well Andy a bee boon sent in three words could be baboon Would you like to try to guess what the first one is

The first word is inferno. No Andy, no it is lubricious. Oh wow. Lubricious. Okay okay the next word is ferocious. The next word is ferocious. Ferocious? No, Andy. No. Leprechaun. Lubricious. Leprechaun. Lederhosen. The final word is Lederhosen. Andy, the third word is lubricant. The way you do that to me is one of the most psychologically damaging parts of my life. I know Andy, that one I felt like I had done it so well. You did it so well. That was an incredible forwards because I went, you go on such a journey in those few moments of being like, no, wait, no, wait, no, wait, no, wait, no, wait, wait, no, no, no, and then it's just no.

So now you gotta think lubricious, which means offensively displaying or intended to arouse sexual desire. Really? Yeah. Wow, lubricious? Yeah, it could also mean smooth and slippery with oil or a similar substance. Oh, well that's quite related to the lubricant thing. Yeah. Isn't it? It's a slippery leprechaun, isn't it? Yeah, but leprechaun lubricant. You know, I mean

a leprechaun lubricant, that could just be a bunch of very small coins, so small that they actually act like beads. Oh, like bits of graphite. They're that small, they're tiny little. And so it's like slippery like sand on us, on like vinyl flooring. You know that kind of thing? Dry slip. It's a dry slip. It's a dry slip.

It's a dry kind of wet. I mean that's kind of what it is. Because I mean, it feels like if you had enough, if you had a really light particle thing like that, like I mean what's the driest thing that acts like a liquid? Some kind of leprechaun lubricant.

Imagine that using a lubricant. Let's say somebody is having sex with a, this is a male or it could be a male wearing a strap on. Hmm. Right. Having sex with a watermelon, right? Oh, but it's a, But it's a dry watermelon. He opens it, cuts the hole in it, and it's, you've never seen a drier watermelon. Oh wow, it's dusty in there. It's all cellulose.

But then he looks around, and all he can see is like a bag of miniature marbles, and he thinks, maybe? Could it? Could it? No, surely not. Unless, dare I? He fills up the hole. Yeah. I don't know if that works. No, but it feels like a very manly thing to do, right? Again, we were talking about the man, the pocketful of dust Dust to have a drip and even dry a hand. Yeah, I feel like once we can fully invent a Kind of fully dry Technique yeah, oh goodness

I think future that will be Scratchy because I think it has to Because I don't think that's a pleasant thing I think it still has to be enjoyable, but it's a sort of it as I say it's a dry kind of wet dry Enjoyability mmm Because like when you think of a leprechaun I always think of the one from like the horror movie the leprechaun As do I yes, yeah, and so they always look very gross

and so I could imagine him, he would enjoy like a dry hump. You know, the driest of humps. But it would be like, I guess, like a guy like that would go to the beach to have sex with the beach. And I'm not talking about the part near the water. No, we're not talking about the part near the water no we're not talking about the below the tide line here he would talk at the top of a

dune and he would hump a hump he's doing the dune he's doing a hump he's a leprechaun doing a dune he's a one-man sandworm. He's healing the hill. Healing the hill. Sexual healing. Sexual healing the hill. There you go. Okay. He's mountain the mound. Did you already do that? No. I didn't do that. Let's see here. He's gravelling the gravel. He's pile driving the pile? Yes, the pile drive. This is on a car. A big truck has come and picked up a big shovel full and they dipped it into, put it in a dump truck

and he's still on the top. He's just banging away, he's banging the bang. Wow, tell me more about that. Um look, banging the bangs, that's a different thing though, isn't it? Bang on the bangs. That's a different thing though, isn't it? It doesn't mean hill. It means sort of a fringe. Now, Andy, do you think a leprechaun that has sex with the beach is?

Because I don't know how this would go, but I guess somebody would say you had sex on the beach. And I guess that was... I mean sex on the beach, that still makes sense for what he's doing. I think it is, yeah. Yeah. I completely agree. And who's the lucky lady?

Well... The foreshore. Foreshore on the foreshore. All fours on the foreshore? You had sure on the for sure. All fours on the for sure. You had sex on the beach. I was all fours on the for sure. For sure, for sure I was. Really, this is like, I feel like it's uncharacteristically punny, but I'm having a really good time because it's about such an awful thing.

That's what makes it okay. I'm picturing his little gremlin-y face. Like it's almost like, you know, like you almost allow him because it's like a dog, you know, on a teddy bear or something like that. He doesn't really know what he's doing. He just, oh, he really loves that teddy bear and it's like, and also he's doing, he just, he really loves that teddy bear. And it's like, and also, you know, deep down that you've given this dog such an awful life because you've taken it away from any kind of that it could experience possible, you know,

love partners and things like that. And it's the same thing with being a leprechaun. True freedom. Yeah. True freedom. Yeah. And so you're like, ah, you can hump the teddy. Yeah. We just let it have that one thing yeah that's true and so I'm gonna for those reasons I feel like I've justified I can you know right this to him leprechaun having sex with the beach Alastair just to go back to the bit where we're talking about guns that shoot band-aids, really the gun should shoot

as sort of a tampon type thing that if you were good enough, a real, what, cause what you need, if you have a sniper up on a hill, right, picking off members of your, your battalion, you really need another sniper, an even better one maybe up on another hill firing what of gauze into each of the bullet holes as the people are shot really good yeah all right well all right sniper that is that what maybe that's what you could do for for Kennedy you could you could be on a different grassy knoll yeah I mean you wouldn't call them tampons you'd call them tampins

Tampins that's what they're good that's what I call them anyway That's what I call them anyway. It's... Tape on? Don't you mean a pad? That's more of a tape under. Um, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Um, it shoots tampons into bullet holes. There we go.

Yes. Andy got one on the board. Thanks man. Runs on the board. Like a surfer with diarrhea. I've got runs on the board. Do you think that we should try to give a lead? Like a surfer with diarrhea. I've got runs on the board. I always thought it was rungs, but maybe we've discussed this haven't we? And but the board. I probably said that surfer with diarrhea thing already.

Oh nothing if not. Oh nothing if not. What could it be about to say? Predictable. I was hoping we could say it at the same time. Okay. I mean I was really like coming to a blank there. Sandwiches. What about this?

I thought of this the other day. Oh not if not. Nothing if not. Sandwiches. Predictable, oh no. Oh I mean sorry, so no Andy say it again, you do it and then we'll do it, we'll say the word at the same time. I'm nothing if not predictable. Sentences.

No. I was thinking about, you know, my beloved, she committed a murder. The bitch. My beloved, she committed a murder. The bitch. My beloved, she committed a murder, but I didn't want her to go to prison for the crime. I said that it was I that did it. Yeah. We're so close that we finish each other's sentences.

What do you think of that? I think it's really beautiful. Present sentences. Oh yes. That's okay. I get it now sorry I just thought you were talking about how close you guys were and that's why you were finishing your prison sentence. No it wasn't completely unrelated. Andy do you think baboon deserves more or do you think a leprechaun having sex with the beach. This is enough of a sketch idea.

I wonder if tiny little particles of gold, gold dust would act as a lubricant and could be used in lovemaking because we're finding ways to include gold into more and more things to make them feel special. You know, like you can go to restaurants and get an incredibly expensive dessert where there's bits of gold on their little fairy little thin bits of gold that you eat edible gold. You know, why not fuckable gold? I think it would be nice if you could at least inject a whole syringe full of like, slightly, you know, liquid gold into your ball bag, like, or just at least down the dig hole.

Down the tube. Whatever the next liquid that comes out. And I reckon save it for an ejaculation. It's very... you know, it's a special occasion. A piss is kind of like an everyday thing. Yeah. Yeah. If you're lucky, if you're lucky, sure.

That's a once in a... Imagine that you inject a bunch of sort of liquid gold into your peanut pee hole. And then that day, and you're saving it because you've pee hole and then that day and you're saving it because you've got a big thing that day and you're happy to use it on a piss right you happen to just have a sparkly piss or whatever and that day you go to the doctor and he tells you that your kidney function is low and you're going on dialysis and you'll never piss again. Oh no. And then you've got like 750, you know, $7. Is that what it is?

Does dialysis mean you'll never piss again? Does he say your piss and days are over? Is that what he says to you? I knew somebody who was on dialysis, their piss and days were over. Now I don't know whether or not. It's just because- I guess your kidneys don't function.

Yeah, and I don't think you're really drinking liquid in that normal way anymore. Oh wow. Yeah. It's't think you're really drinking the liquid in that normal way anymore. Oh wow. It's like when you hit that recirculate button on the car, weather, climate control, you're just... Yeah, you're just pissing, you just piss right back into the blood. Oh good.

They just take where... Your pissing days are over over and in your bladder and your I want your bladder on my desk by the end of today We think you just put your bladder there and your two kidneys like that You tie a little your vest penis Vest vest difference, which one's that? That's the sperm one.

I'm not sure. I don't know. Okay. Oh. Why would you know that, Andy? We should know. We should know. We should know about our bodies.

We shouldn't be afraid or ashamed of them. Yeah, yeah. Andy, I'm not ashamed, but what I am ashamed to say is that we're about to go read through the sketch ideas. Okay, I'm excited to find out what you actually did right down from today's experience. Okay, well Andy, the first sketch is Cheese is an infected blood scab. And the guy who came up with the word cheese is trying to stop everybody else from being able to use it because he's essentially the genius marketer that should be getting the only person who gets

the benefits of this. Yeah. A house so dirty, it is filled with dirt. And then you're just kind of crawling the other top there.. Then we got trying to convince your wife it's her eyes that are covered in dirt. Sounds like a healthy relationship, sounds okay. No, it's not messy. Sounds like things are good at home. Sniper that shoots tampons into bullet holes. There was a gap where I'd put a dash but then I'd left it empty because I forgot to write something down. So I went back and put that other one there. Then we got a moisturizer filled pocket. Which is you know leads us of course to all other things in pockets, but these are pants that just come with it.

Wet pocket, dry pocket, wet pocket wet pocket dry pocket wet and dry. Um imagine that you it's a it's a walking um like it's like you can crumb chicken while you walk. You know you got oh okay so what you could do is you got one pocket on the left that has So what you could do is you got one pocket on the left that has raw egg that's been beaten, right? On the way, yeah, no, okay. So you got left pocket, that's got some flour in there or maybe some like potato starch or something like that. And then you got a little, you're wearing a little bum bag and that's covered in, that's

filled with raw egg. And so then you put the chicken in there and then you put the chicken in there. Then your last pocket's got like a crumb and a seasoning kind of thing mixture. And then like that. And then you have a backpack on your back and you're tossing them into your backpack. It's got hot oil in there. This is your right productivity hack for the already very successful. While you're walking you could be crumming chicken. Yeah you could

be. What are you doing with your walking time? If you're not using that to crumb chicken, what are you even doing? They crumb and cook your own chicken. Elon Musk, he sleeps at the Tesla factory and he crumbs chicken while he walks. That's how he got to where he is today. That's right. Like I mean if you're buying, eating food out, you're spending so much more money and that's extra time that you could not need to be working. You know? Exactly. Why did the or that you w that's extra time that you could be working more really. You, um, why did the chicken cross the road? Well, because Elon Musk was crumming it as he strode to go and sleep at the

Tesla factory. He went from his house to the Tesla factory to sleep. Damn sleep. Spends all day at home just like fucking around. And then he goes right up to bed. Early night to night I think. Curls up on the floor between all the robots. See you later. In the middle of the loading bay. Current lady that I work with that I'm impregnating. See you later and I'm going to the factory now to sleep. Then we got a gun that shoots doctors in brackets at Dr. Cannon and a nurse cluster bomb. Why has nobody invented the Dr. Cannon? It's crazy.

We got to get onto the Red Cross. We got to tell them about this. Yes, the Red Cross would be a perfect target to try to hit. It would be! That makes so much sense. You just turn it to the side. They've already got those teds, if you could get them to land on the top of one of the teds. Yeah. They might even survive this journey. That's gonna be great. If you put some of that mesh over the cover of another You know of another cannon and you try to shoot the doctors into that other cannon that Material might slow them down as they go might Or it'll chop them into chunks well technically logically and they were at rest when they started from the can

Technically logic so yeah, so by the time they get to the exact same point on the other end They should be slowing have zero velocity That makes sense that makes it sell us dead I mean if you wanted to do that you'd have to fire the other cannon at the exact moment that they're coming into the You'd have to fire the other cannon at the exact moment that they're coming into the but in reverse You'd have to do that thing. No, you'd still fire it and it would cancel out their momentum. No, I think it would have to be like And it would have to be fucking disagree with me No, I listen it'd have to be like one of those You know like when a soccer player catches a ball in the air by just kind of moving their foot back with it

But slowing it down perfectly like that That's what they would need to have. Yeah. And that's what I'm describing as well. No Andy, you're talking about a cannon shooting forward. Yeah, but that's, man, it doesn't matter. No Andy, it does matter to me that you're wrong. Alright, I'm wrong. Yeeeesssss! You know the other day somebody messaged me to say,

Oh my god, I'm going to be in a science debate against Andy. But he doesn't realize how easy you are to beat in a debate. You know, he'll fall at a moment's notice. I've had to pull out of that science debate actually. That's how easily I'm defeated. I had to withdraw. Withdrawing. Oh, Andy, where was your this withdrawal method?

When you needed it. Andy, every one of your children is a miracle and I won't hear a bad word said about them. Yeah, thank you. We've got the psychologist superhero who removes your desire to be evil. We have the superhero villain who turns into your mother. And then we have the leprechaun having sex with Beach.

So I think that's it. I think there was probably, there was a few more ideas in there, but I'll just write down Freud superhero as well, hero maybe, or crime fighting Freud. Crime Freuding. Freuding, crime fruiting. Andy we gotta end this episode because it's too stupid.

And... Oh wait you go... Thank you so much everybody. Sorry about the audio on the previous episode. There was some weird clicking thing in my recording. We filtered it out, but at terrible cost to the rest of the audio quality. Terrible cost. But my side was still fine, right? Yours was perfect. I assumed when I listened back to it I was like, oh, that'll be Alistair's. But then I turned your track off and it was in mine. So I don't know how you did that.

I don't know how you fucked up my track from all the way over there in Canada. It's a very, it shows great incompetence, even greater than I thought you could be possible. You're like a ventriloquist of incompetence. You can throw your stupidity. Like it's coming. Oh, this is a person who's incompetent, an incompet- an incompetee, an incompetor? Incompetator? And we love you. Bye. Bye.

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