Two In The Think Tank - 419 - "YOU WILL NEVER WALK AGAIN (BUT YOU WILL SPRINT A *LOT*)"

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

Giant Hand Outfit, Conservatives Who Can't See Everything is Floppy, Trauma Line Learner, Horror Based Team Building, Mispronouncing Room, Lighting Bolt Factory Reset, Capital Corporal Punishment, Mind Wipe Sentence, I Wouldn't Buy Any BLANK, Early Death Toilet Paper Savings, Never Walk Again News Breaking, Never Walk Again But You Will Sprint A LotThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.Check out Stupid Old Studios' COMEDY LAB here and support the artist fund if you can.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereEdited by Andy with all the due apologies. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Have you ever heard about the time Australia went to war with a bunch of emus and lost? Have you heard about the World Cup where the refs wore suits? What about the magical chess playing machine that bamboozled Napoleon one time? These are all real things that actually happened and I get across all of them on Half-arsed History. If you want to learn more about everything from the history of the toilet to the history of nuclear weapons, there are hundreds of episodes of my Tinpot history podcast waiting for you. Have a listen to Half-arse history today, or don't, I can't tell you what to do, I'm

not your dad, but if you fancy it, Half-arse history is out three times a week and it's available wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Hello and welcome to doing the think tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Five sketch ideas. I've realized I've got into a really bad, I think I'm just in a, I think I'm coasting with those intros.

I think I got too comfortable, you know? Yeah. And I need to push myself back into, you know, I got to try harder. Yes. You got to go into deep music. Deep music. That's, that's what I need. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, I think you gotta go into something that is like more music than even just listening. Yeah. Like, I went to a rave last night as you know, Andy. Yeah, I do know that about you. And my friend who took me there, who's a trance DJ, sent me a bit of that music that he played the night before today.

And it's crazy because I was really enjoying it last night. But then today it wasn't the same because I didn't feel it thumping in my chest in the same way. Of course. And it's a whole other way to experience music. It's a full body music. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, maybe that's the next thing will be like a thing that you can strap to your chest that just delivers those beats into your sort of, into your, into your heart.

Like a sort of like you sort of, you're receiving CPR, but like very mild CPR, obviously from a speaker type thing. And you can feel it. It's like the hand of a giant around your torso and it squeezes you a bit. I think that'd be great. A little constriction around the chest. I can't believe you've never seen an outfit that is just like the hand of a giant holding you. It's a really good one for the Met Gala.

You should write that down. Exactly. We should, we can also come up with outfit ideas. Yes, yes, yes. Just because we've never done it before. That's always been part of our remit, our outfit remit. Because think about it, you could have the wrist where the hand is gonna, to be sliced off and in one of your hands you're holding a sword.

So it looks like. Really good. You you've cut the hand of the giant. Really good. I mean, it might be the perfect outfit. Yeah, so it would conceal your modesty, you know, you'd still. I mean, are you naked underneath or are you wearing clothes underneath? What do you think?

Were you grabbed by the giant when you were nude? Yeah, I mean I always Shower with a sword underneath my pillow just in case You're also famous for taking a pillow into the shower with you. Yes the shower pillow And don't think that it's different in any way. It's a cloth pillow. It's a cloth, you know.

Yeah, it's basically a sponge. That's right. And I like to sit on it and lay on it. Now, should I write down this outfit idea? Oh, of course. Yeah. I mean, if we ever write a sitcom where somebody goes to the Met Gala, let's put that in there. It would also be a great, let's not rule out the possibility this could be a Halloween

outfit for Heidi Klum. Of course. If she's listening. Heidi, if you're out there. Ms. Of course. If she's listening. Heidi if you're out there. Ms. Clume. Now Clume, is that short for Clumps as in Eddie Murphy. Or was it, were we reading it right? Was it the Clumps? It might be the Clumps. Alastair. There's not a lot of names that you shorten it by taking out one letter. Or yes indeed, not many. Michael, Mike. Of course there's Michael and Mike.

What do you think about spelling pants, like the pants that you wear. How do you feel about spelling that? P-A-N-C-E. How do you feel about that? P-I-N P-A-N-C-E. P-A. A, the first letter of the alphabet. A. The premier vowel. A. P-A-N-C-E. E. The second vowel. Pants. Yeah, pants. Oh, C pants OCE like that pants kind of makes me want to

write a whole novel where every word is is misspelled in that way using you know alternative I think Irvine Walsh did that oh did he? did he really? no no he wrote it he wrote it in phonetic Scottish accent ah sure but to a certain extent every word was kind of spelt wrong in that way but but this is more to annoy rather than for the joy that's correct yes it's not it's not justifiable it's not Scott I want to make it clear this is not a Scottish dialect this is is just... You know what? Yeah. What would be really interesting is the film adaptation of your book. Where people are going... Well, I think they'd have to be creative. Well, I'm angry with... Well, I'm angry with you, EWE.

Maybe, yeah, maybe all the objects would have to be replaced with homophones or with objects that other objects that look like them. See, because film is a visual medium. So what you'd need to do, Alastair, is you'd need to replace objects with other objects that look a lot like them in shape. Or should it be in functionality? Because really, the functionality of a word is its sound. So I mean, you know, a film where, you know, like, oh, yeah, a film version where everything is fucked. Everything is a little bit off. Write it down. Write it down. I know, but it's not enough of an idea, a film where everything is fucked. They make those and either called porn. No, but like, but like where most of the time people, you know, they, they keep the jokes to, you know, some words, a couple of actions, things like that, but not everything is messed

up. But like, do you think you would need a reason for everything to be messed up? Or do you think it's just, everything just happens to be messed up? Or you discover along the way that things are messed up. Cause is there one person who's realizing that things are messed up? Or is it just that nothing works? Yeah, I mean, I think,

I think if there's one person who's realizing that things are messed up, and by the way, I realize we're using a very general term here for how things are messed up. But like, it almost is like, the legs are all floppy or something. The legs are all bendy. Or they're the wrong length. They sort of wobble down onto the ground.

This is almost an invasion of the body snatches, but it's more of an invasion of the item snatches. And objects are being replaced now by aliens, but nobody else is noticing and this person is trying to tell them Tables aren't supposed to have wobbly like floppy legs, but everyone's like they're always like that and they're treating them like they're crazy I think this is a really good idea. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they're conservatives. They're conservatives who? Want to keep things the way they were but really all that that means for them is they don't want to change the way things currently are even though they were just recently changed. Well but maybe there's some effect that the aliens are having where people now don't notice this but I think

it you would be very funny to see you know maybe they're just making lots of things floppy you know like like like knives and forks and you know maybe they're just making lots of things floppy you know like like um like knives and forks and you know you've got people there at the table trying to eat with these floppy knives and forks and acting like it's fine like it's normal like it's supposed to be like that right it's a great metaphor for something yeah i can't wait to find out what it's a metaphor for it's gonna be very rather not know what it's a metaphor for. It's gonna be very- And I would rather not know what it is a metaphor for. Indeed, indeed. It could be something to do with bureaucracy or the police state, but I'm not gonna look

into it any beyond that. No, no, no. Just to put that out there, those are possibilities. No, I think because you've said that, they can't be that, no. Okay. That's all we know that it isn't. No, because if you say that it is and I don't want to know it, then now it can't be that. Yeah, really good. I mean, there'd be a great scene where the alien spaceship is hovering,

like not far up above the ground and our hero is trying to get there to defeat them. They're trying to climb up a tree to get to the thing, but of course the tree's gone all floppy. That's right. And people, but people always do that thing where it's like, you know, you're like, wait, there's a, you know, like, I don't know if you recognize this kind of thing, but you go, oh look, there's a weird thing going on there, and people are like, well that's been like that for ages. Mmm. And you know, like, you know that they they're like well not in any meaningful way that is true But I guess what you're saying like you may have saw it earlier today or something like that and I hadn't seen it yet

but But like it's that thing where people kind of make do like a small lie to make themselves look better and Yeah to win an argument that isn't important to win It's just about my honesty Sure sure I've done that to you. No. It sounds like you're describing me exactly. No Andy, I'm not. Okay. I would never, I've actually never said anything like that. But honestly though Andy, if somebody did, if a spaceship did come down and the aliens came out and they said, Andy, would you come and have a look on our spaceship?

They land on your, on your compound. Yep. Okay. Big metal thing door open. You don't have to go up any stairs, it's like it's all accessible. Oh, that's nice. It's a ramp.

It's a beautiful ramp. You do notice that there's a lot of the aliens, they do have, a lot of them do have ramps, which is very nice that they have that accessibility built in. And they have those beams that bring you up so you don't even have to use your legs at all. Oh man, that really is, that's super duper advanced accessibility.

They are better than us. They truly have got it all figured out. And I wonder if they ever used the beam horizontally so that you can just speed you up as you're walking. So you could still walk but it kind of like adds to your velocity. That would be a great question. I could ask them that when I get on the ship. I'll try and then track of these things

Would they would you go on there? Mmm, okay. Nobody's nobody's at home at the moment. Okay, they ask you okay. It's just you Yeah, would you get on? Yeah, and they seem nice Yeah, they seem nice Order they seem inscrutable in their way? You see them tickle each other and laugh. That's all you know. Oh wow, I mean that's, that does sound nice. But I mean it might be something different, you know, tickling and laughing. I know but

they're speaking English. In their culture, that might like stabbing and screaming. But they are speaking English, you know. They are speaking English, at least. I think they're speaking English. They might be speaking their language and the words might mean something completely different. You know? They say, Andy, would you like to come on my spaceship?

Come on my spaceship might mean go away. But then, okay, let's say you get on the spaceship and then they said, can we tickle you? Would you let them? I think that you would get into serious Andy a little bit at that point. And you say, no, just for the moment. I think that I would rather not. Just, we're just getting to know each other.

Yeah. You know, I mean then, but then, then what if then they got really serious? Oh, they're not happy about me. Not letting them tickle them. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, maybe I'd ask, can I tickle? Yeah.

Can I tickle you first? Imagine that. And then you do. And then they get even more angry No, but imagine the first thing that they go Yes, we would love that and the first thing you do is you try to tickle them and your finger goes right through their skin Oh, and you like pierce their side killed one of them. Well, I don't know what he's very injured So you've seen me tickle before then Alastair?

Oh, so you've seen me tickle before? Yeah, I mean, does it, my fear is that it would turn out to be a trick, right? I'd let them tickle me, right? And then, and then they tickle me and they'd say, thank you very much, bye! And they'd go and get into their spaceship spaceship and they close the thing and they're gonna Leave but then I see something that makes me go. Wait a second. That's not really an alien That's just a guy in a truck Right, and I've just been sort of I've just been taking advantage of and you get tagged you get tagged in a video

Yes on social media Yeah on social media. Yeah. But then what do you think of those videos on social media where they have that thing where somebody's in a dinosaur costume, a T-Rex costume or something and people are coming around a corner and then the T-Rex costume, the T-Rex emerges and like fucking terrifies some people in real life who start running away. How do you feel about that?

Um, you know what? The thing is that my, my secret joy is videos of people getting scared. Yeah, really? Okay. But, but I like it when they know that they're safe straight away. Mm hmm. I mean, this is a lot like that time that you approached me in the dark

with that scary old man face on. I mean, that was the experience that I went through. And I have recovered, I'd say I've recovered. I was thinking, when I asked this question, I was thinking that I reckon those people have got long-term trauma as a result of this. But now that I reflect on my own experience of that, it's given way to no longterm consequences and having a fun story.

And maybe it even brought us closer together in a way. I think so. Yeah. I think that it was an act of generosity on my part. But in that case, you knew straight away that it was me. Now, these people who get scared for a moment, now, I'm never 100% sure that the ones that, whether it's a T-Rex or something like that, that people, you know, that it's real entirely

because it feels like it's not a safe thing to do in public and where you're going to end up getting sued or something like that because somebody fell and hit their head or something. Yeah. But I like the- I don't know that most pranksters are thinking about that. Uh-huh. Yeah.

But the one where you get scared like that, it's like what's fun is that there's just a split second where you, before you realize that it's me, where you are terrified and things must go through your mind for a second. Right? You know, whole scenarios of I'm about to die and there's an intruder in my home, things like that, which is immediately replaced by, I know who that is. Yeah. But the part that- I said I've had no long-term consequences of that,

but now that I think about it, that is a thing that I now think about a lot, the possibility of looking up and seeing somebody in my home. And I don't think I ever thought about it before that happened. See, so I'm sorry. So it is an actual trauma. So I was generous, just not in a positive way.

You were very giving with your long-term traumatic consequences. Yes, I see. But is there, but you see as, but what you can see from this is that is that? There is a learning that occurs here. You remember and think about it all the time Mmm, so is there a way that you could use that to say learn lines for us for a scene? Pretty good. I mean it it is it would be good to like get things imprinted on that very

deep emotional and psychological level, you know, because that's where you want things to be if you're going to be able to recall them at a moment's notice. Could it be an educational technique for schools or maybe just for corporate events. I mean, if you made, you know, either the script or a textbook and you made it sort of say 20 feet high. Yes. Right, and so as the letters, as the book opened up to the page you're trying to memorize is falling onto you and it will hurt you a tremendous amount, right?

Potentially. Yeah. to memorize is falling onto you and it will hurt you a tremendous amount right potentially yeah um i think that your mind will take in that information really well and you know and it'll probably stick there you go i was attacked by a 200 foot tall times tables poster and it's all booned in there now. I can do maths so much better. I think a horror-based corporate retreat is a good concept for a film, right? So there's a corporate retreat that you go to and you think it's just a normal, like I don't know, like paintballing or something like that, but then it descends into unimaginable horror and people are being stalked and picked off and killed.

Then it's revealed that it's all just a way of bringing the team closer together to achieve better marketing outcomes or something. And they are bonded through that experience. You look at how people come, how close they are when they've been through a really horrible thing like that. And you're like, maybe we could tap into that for greater return on investment and office productivity. But there's two people in the group who one clearly abandoned the other person or pushed

them in front of the killer. Yeah, really good. As the killer was running at them. We're all closer together than those two people meet eyes for a second. Sure, sure. I mean, maybe they've even thrown somebody to their death in a literal sense. Yeah. But let's write that down as an idea. Yeah, yeah. No, retreat, right?

Horror based team building retreat. Retreat is a good name for the Yeah, yeah, no. Retreat, right? Horror based team building retreat. Retreat is a good name for the film. That's right. Retreat. Because of course what does it also mean? It means run away. To run away.

Mmm, to flee. Trick or retreat. How about that? How do you feel about that? I love that. Oh, that's really good, isn that the whole it's really good isn't it we all go see that film or what about get away get away that's another good one what about this one Andy this retreat is a trick really good what about this this retreat is actually a horror thing for team building.

Imagine having such a poor thought through sentence for the for the title. Like you're going bold enough to have a sentence as a title. This retreat is actually a horror thing for Teen Build. It's got a full stop on the end. It's got a comma it you don't see many with a comma, titles with a comma in it. A full stop, maybe even two sentences. Here we go. Now I saw the movie. The title is a paragraph. This horror, this retreat is a horror thing and you know there's actually quite an interesting twist in this I won't tell you what it is by the

way that's all still part of the title a bunch of people go on sort of a work retreat and it's not quite what they bargained for. They don't quite get what they bargained for except for the boss who... Because they haven't read the title of the film. That's right. Well I guess every film is like the matrix. You know, you're in it. It would be a good, um, maybe that's part of the, uh, the retreat is that they, you have, you band up together and you ritually murder and kill the boss. Right. It's not real. You think it's real. You think you're burning him to get death in a pyre or something,

but he's not actually, he slips out the bottom of the pyre. But somehow, something about that process of killing the boss is, um, maybe it's to ease the transition, maybe if the boss has been promoted to a higher level and you're getting a new boss coming in, maybe this is like, on some visceral primal level we as humans we biologically don't understand the concept of vertical promotion right we don't understand the body doesn't our whole on a hormonal in a hormonal sense we were never we never evolved to understand a our leader getting promoted to the vice president in charge of strategy in the Southeast Asian Division. We can't understand that on a body level. What we

do understand is tearing his flesh off his body and throwing him into a fire. Right, that's so and so we need to go through that in order to fully accept this concept. That he is leaving. He's he's leaving yes oh the trauma of having a manager leave the difficulty of having a person that tells you what to do being far away from you. Yes. No longer able to control you. We should contact him not Shyamalan. I don't want to be the person who can't pronounce that surname Shyamalan. Shyamalan? So interesting that you'd say that because I really want to be the person. See, because I'm able to pronounce it. But I wish I could be the person who can't pronounce it.

Hey? I have no idea, Andy. But I wish, I mean, you know, I've always heard it as Shyamalan, but you know, it's probably not that. But it doesn't matter. It's not out in the public enough. I can't currently, just in my current life state,

go and look up every person's name and ensure that I'm getting it completely right. There should be a place where you can go and safely mispronounce people's names. Like a room, a mispronouncing room. Maybe a mispronouncing room, you know. Maybe you've got a very diverse, we've got a very diverse workplace here. Okay. We have a colourblind hiring policy and all our, and the way that, we've got a mosque in here.

There you go. And the way that we make it work, everybody gets along great, but the way that we make it work is we have a special room that people can go in. Whenever we introduce a new employee, we have a special room that people can go in and mispronounce their name as much as they like. And that's a safe space for that purpose. Yeah. And I mean, imagine like not just names, but just words.

And we go, look, we've got lots of things. You And we go, look, we've got lots of things. You go in there and look, we've got lots of things. We've got this, you know, we've got a room for, you know, we've got a sauna here. We've got a prayer room. And next to that, we've got the mispronounce room where you can just mispronounce words as much as you want in there to your heart's content.

And then you mess picture and you see a guy praying for like, you know, having a real moment to himself, getting, you know, being alone with God for a moment. And in the next room, you can hear him saying like, Thelamon, Theramon, Theramon, Theramon, Theramon, Theramon. I mean, isn't it interesting that when it comes to, I think putting it next to a prayer room is a great creative choice that you've made there Alastair, because you know, part of the way that we can be more accepting is by, yes, allowing those facilities for

people who hold those beliefs dear to them and that's an important part of their identity. But then there will be some retrograde characters in the, you know, maybe in the white Australian population who are assimilably reluctant to let go of being annoyed at having to learn to pronounce new names. And so they have a space that they can go in to do that and that's how this workplace gets along yeah and everybody does really get along but then you don't you don't want to hear what they say in that room you want to hear i think it'd be funny if there was like a person whose job was in the office to be like a big

brother type person so let's say you did want to learn some of the names of the people. You know, and this is the guy, his job is to just know how people's names are pronounced. Yep. And you don't see him. He just goes, so if you go in there and you go, you know, Shamalan Shamalan, he goes, Shyamalan Shyamalan, Shyamalan. Shyamalan. They go, Shyamalan. Shyamalan. Oh shi- Shyamshimshamshlam. And the slamshigas. What is it again? Shyamalan. Shyamalan. Oh shim. Shim. Shimlam. Now is it also a room where you can go and misuse people's pronouns or are we not interested

in that as a concept? You can. Do we find that deeply offensive? Probably is. Do you think that this joke is offensive, right? Because you know that I'm all for it. I don't think it was until I said what I just said then. Because I think you are coming to it in a very positive spirit of people wanting to

do the right thing. I'm probably coming at it more from a, these are probably fundamentally broken people who are refusing to be. I know, but I was trying to find, like I don't think that you were, like I think in the end those people would just end up, the ones you were discussing, would then end up not really using the name. They would just say, hi mate, you know, and things like that in the office. And then, you know, the difficulty of not being able to say somebody's name just because they can't do it and because they in a way can't be fucked. They could just go into the room and just go, ah, shum, shim shim shum, you know, shum shim. Is Greg Larson playing this character? Shame shame. I don't know.

I don't know. You know, I think that's fun. I don't know. Look, I don't know if this is a joke and I don't know if it's funny, but I feel like it has a chance of being offensive and it might also be something that's been done a lot. I feel like it has a chance of being offensive and it might also be something that's been done a lot But because you know, I you know, I support any kind of like gender stuff trans stuff blah blah, right? so the one The one thing is

Like I've had trouble with is Relinquishing, you know a word that's been very important to me guys Guys, yeah. Guys, because it's a gendered language, even for, you know, for groups of people. And so, because, you know, it's, we're using it on people who might not necessarily be men. Yeah, yeah.

And so that kind of thing. But I see, this is where I can spring to your defense, Alistair, because I've heard you refer to your beloved wife as man. Yeah. Thanks man. I've seen you say that too. I think you genuinely don't see. Sure I wasn't saying man. No I don't think it was man. And here's where the possible joke part was because I know that it originally was a male name But could we possibly with our new age thinking? Possibly think that this word

Now has is maybe non-binary. Yeah, you know very possible It has sort of shifted itself. Can we verbally transition a word? Yeah. I don't see why not. Does the word guys have pronouns? I tell you what I do is I use guys for everybody, but I'm actually not using G-U-I-S, I'm using G-U-I-S-E.

The word guys, meaning the performance that we all put on at all times. I'm acknowledging that all manifestations of gender and all types of identity are themselves a construct that we individually project. That's right. Even because you're coming at it from a Buddhist point of view where it's like the self actually is nobody. And it's just a construction of narratives that we tell ourselves in order to give ourselves an identity. You know that thing that we've all done purposeful of? We should let go of it because it's not useful in any way.

Yes. I should go into every moment, no idea who I am, what I do. Hi. You know, shaking somebody's hand. Hi, Mike. How are you? Yeah.

Hey, how are you? You know what? I don't know who I am. I couldn't tell you my name and I've got no idea what I do because I I'm I'm not that I'm not my body and my lived experience It would be great to have a machine that can completely strip away the self like I think They're not like some kind of factory reset No, no, no, but I'm talking about like a factory reset

on the brain. Like when you do the same thing to your iPhone, you should have the option to blanket, switch it off and start again, just from factory settings. Not as a baby, but like people in movies about amnesia do. Well, I feel like- I think in the future that might be something we can get. Now, I'm just getting like a recall that maybe this has been said once because

I feel like I'm going to go into a story and experience it but I did know a guy who got struck by lightning who apparently at like 16 lost all his memories when he got struck and had to start again. I haven't heard you say that I don't think. No? Although maybe you did tell me it before the lightning strike I can't remember. I mean lightning has been striking around you at some point. Yeah. Yes. But so I think that there is a way Andy. Mmm. All it takes is a bolt. A thunderbolt. And I want you to know that it was a thunderbolt it wasn't like lightning it was a bright flash of sound who that came down in a bolt

thunderclap thunderclap sounds likeD. Do you think that would be it would like burst your eardrums if it if you were going through the cloud when that went off Acas powers the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend You've heard about the time Australia went to war with a bunch of emus and lost podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. Have you heard about the time Australia went to war with a bunch of emus and lost? Have you heard about the World Cup where the refs wore suits? What about the magical chess playing machine that bamboozled Napoleon one time? These are all real things that actually happened. And I get across all of them on

Half-arse history. If you want to learn more about everything from the history of the toilet to the history of nuclear weapons, there are hundreds of episodes of my Tin Pot History podcast waiting for you. Have a listen to Half-Hast History today. Or don't. I can't tell you what to do. I'm not your dad. But if you fancy it, Half-Hast History is out three times a week and it's available wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com Well, I think it doesn't mostly happen in the cloud. Does it? Like it sort of happens all the way down the length of that lightning. Right. It happens all the way. It's not localized in one spot. The sound it comes from the full length of that bolt of lightning right because what it is is I think is the super heating of the air as

the electricity passes through it causing expansion and then contraction because the pressure of the air comes back and that's what makes the sound but that happens all the way down as the electricity travels through the atmosphere. All the way down. Now I haven't written anything down for a little bit. What should I... Factory Reset, do you want this? Yes, I do want Factory Reset. Yes. I mean it doesn't have to be Lightning Bolt but you could offer options. You know, Sharp. I mean this is you know, this is essentially Do you think this could be a spotless channel sunshine? Yeah, it is. So what do you think you could offer this as a um? But not through the name for people to get

capital punishment to have your entire self erased You know, I mean, it's almost better isn't it than killing somebody kind of but it's cruel probably is it cruel because the body guess you're done anything wrong well I guess if you're killing them it's like the fact that you if you were gonna give them the electric chair you just gave them the electric bolt like that it's probably similar but if just, I mean, the more I'm pushing for this, but I guess if you were going to kill them anyway, wiping their memory, uh,

does feel like it gives the body a chance to have a new life. But then you would have to probably study them in a kind of unethical way to find out whether or not they're going to do the same awful things that they did, maybe even more awful things. Yeah, but you know, maybe this is the horror film, again another horror film in which this happens, the person, it's a new thing, they're erasing people's selves and sending them back out into the world, right? And then maybe something happens where we think that they are actually very sinister, but then it turns out that in fact, one of the family members of one of their victims

is now pursuing them to finish the job because they don't believe in this new form of justice. So actually they're the hunted. But then maybe still an extra twist where the psychopath still lurks within. Oh yeah. Like the long kiss good night. It could be like a... it'd be in the same universe called the long kiss good morning. The short, the short pic good morning. Because it's a new awakening, you know, for him it's actually finding out, you know, being discovered.

I mean, I guess that would be really awful, finding out that you were a horrible criminal about to die. It would be a great reveal for a thing, you know, that you were gonna get killed and then they just wiped your memory. Mm, that would be a great reveal, but unfortunately, I don't think you'd be able to appreciate it.

Why not? Well, because you had your brain erased. But you're talking about for the view of the film. But I suppose this person would have developed a new sort of personality blah blah blah. Anyway, while you were talking before I also wrote down another idea which is called capital corporal punishment. And it's where they're like, well, you've killed six people.

We sentence you to death by spanking. Wow. Yeah. And then that's when the, you know, the executor guy, not the executor, the uh, executioner, executioner, he's really working for his money. Because it's, do you think it's a bare hand? It's a bare hand, but um, just skin on skin, hand to butt.

You'd have to have a range. You'd have to work in shifts, I think. But it's like that, you know, almost like that Flanders thing where he was just spanked for a week or a month or something like that. You know, and then he, but this guy, it's past, you know, repressing all your badness to then suddenly becoming, that's gotta be some of the best character development for a character that they had for, in that spanking episode,

that Flanders actually had been a very, very awful kid who had been raised by beatniks. awful kid who'd been raised by beatniks. Oh man, we tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas man. Something like that. Yeah, I don't remember that episode but this sounds very funny. I mean we tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas. I remember that line but I don't assess it. It might be the one where they have to build him a new house because he freaks out after

everything kind of falls. Everything is repressed. Yeah. Yeah. Ding, dang, doodly, ding, dang, ding, dang, ding, dang, ding, dang, ding, dang, ding, ding, dang, ding, dang, ding, dang, ding, dang, ding, dang, ding, dang, ding, dang, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,

ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding I was trying to write something very similar. They go, you know, he's walking through the house when the community has built it. And they're like, now none of the rooms have electricity except for this one,

but it has too much electricity. Now, yeah, that's also the one with the load bearing poster, which I might have mentioned this already. That poster is load bearing. They just use used that joke exactly on Abbott Elementary, a sitcom. I was like, I don't think you can just, I know Simpsons already did everything,

but you can't just use the word for word joke. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, that's crazy. Load-bearing poster, Alistair, I think that might be one of my favorite jokes, because of course, it's under tension. Posters are only strong under tension. It's impossible for something to be load-bearing poster Alice day, I think that might be one of my favorite jokes because of course it's it's it's under tension Posters are only strong under tension impossible for something to be load-bearing under tension

Ah, or is it we could do it with rope we could do it with rope or string or twine hmm But then it can't you can't you can probably bear a load Can't it by even through pulling? Like if you dangle a, you know, like a suspension bridge, those things are probably under a load. It's just going... No, that's true. Yes. But that poster, yeah, you're right. That's funny still. That's still funny. Gosh, The Simpsons. Good show. Alistair, how many sketch ideas have we written down? Let me see, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Oh, I'm happy that we got to five. Once you got to eight, I was like, oh, some of these are not going to be good, are they? But that's okay. Let's go to three words from a listener. Oh my God, Andy. Well today we have got three words from a listener and that listener today is Emily Aubrey

Emily Aubrey E-M-Y-L-Y Y-W-B-Y-R-Y So now based on that description of Emily, yes. Would you like to guess the words? Okay, the first word is first. Wait, before you guess, think carefully. Okay.

Okay. The first word is third. Oh, I reckon she's fucking with me. Andy, the first word is your. Your. Yeah, why? Second word is right. Second word is right. Oh, that's kind of close

because it's got only like one or two letters less Second word is last Your last Don't say the wrong don't say the wrong word Andy Don't you dare say the wrong word. Instinct, my instinct is your last guess. But I think. I want you to know that I accidentally just said the word a second ago.

Did you? Is it instinct? No, it's day. I just, I was trying to say, don't you dare. And I said, don't you day. That's how shallow the consciousness is, right? We think we have all this processing going on between what comes in and what goes out, but your consciousness can be completely bypassed and the word could just go in and straight out again.

That's right. Yeah, I just have one, I'm only holding one word in the bank in my RAM and I can't even keep it in there. It just slips out in the flow of, you know, in the current of words coming out. What about, did people already make this joke when everyone was worried about the end of the Mayan calendar? The fact that we have calendars and they end every year and nobody says that's the end of the world. You already make that joke? I'm sure they did. But I mean how would you feel if you went and you bought a calendar right and it went up to like you know July 17th and then after that there's just no more days just all blank

and they just stop there. That would be fun. Yeah you're flicking through it and there's nothing else in there. Well I mean the calendar for somebody who's been given a certain amount of time to live. Yes maybe you could get a cheaper one right. It doesn't make sense to pay for the whole year. It's like people say people who are in trouble say, I wouldn't take it. What is it? I wouldn't borrow any big library books or something like that. Is that what people say?

Maybe, yeah. I wouldn't buy any full year calendars. I wouldn't buy a jumbo toilet roll. You know, one of those ones that's three roles in one yeah by the sheet I think this is a funny character they don't have long to live Don't I'm trying to help you here. Just I wouldn't I wouldn't buy I wouldn't buy That's sort of any long baguettes

Wouldn't buy any foot long baguettes, let me just put it that way. Let's just say I wouldn't buy a jumbo pack of teab bags from Costco. Mm-hmm. I mean, but I also think there's another version of this in which the person themselves with the bad prognosis is trying to save money by going to the supermarket and saying they don't want to buy the whole roll of toilet paper. Can they just buy half a roll or something like that? They want to don't want to pay for the whole thing Seems crazy, but you're making me pay for the whole thing

Well, I was well see you see I'm participating in voluntary youth in Asia Sort of tomorrow now it just seems crazy for me too but I've got to go to the toilet now now it seems crazy for me to me to buy the whole roll of toilet paper yes can I just take say 30 squares how much how much for 30 squares just name your price and then you get sort of big water cash. Yeah. Sticks their tongue out a little bit. Come on, nine mure pros. They're ripping off squares one by one.

Yeah. Handing them to the middle part. Also, I think the doctor who thinks that the person, let's say the nurse comes in and tells them, whispers in his ear how long this person has to live. And they say it's a very short time. It's like three days or something like that.

And then he starts with the baguettes. You know, he starts with the baguettes. He starts with a few things like that. And then she comes in, she goes, sorry, this person actually is completely fine. They have a very long amount of time to live which is you know maybe 30 years and then he starts trying to reverse it but to say much longer things you know I wouldn't get a 50 year loan now. Let's just say I wouldn't buy a baguette that stretches from the earth to the moon and back again. Let's just say I wouldn't invest in sort of a brand new wood forest where you plant saplings

now and cultivate them in sort of 40 to 50 years. Let's just say I wouldn't get a sea turtle as a pet let's just say if you want to see it die if you want to watch it die if you are hoping to watch this leatherback turtle die of old age let's just say if you're hoping to watch it let's just say if you're hoping to watch a pet die of old age, I wouldn't be buying any Galapagos tortoises Not at this stage Let's just say I wouldn't watch the new Christopher Nolan film

That's a joke about him making very very long films. You see this person is gonna be living a very long time But still not long enough to complete watching Oppenheimer Yes is dying soon, sorry I'm ready. He is dying soon Person who is dying soon Well no Dying soon and Andy you want to Phil I was thinking about the Pali Archie joke I don't have much to say about it but I'm always on the

lookout for a new twist on that and I was thinking is there one about a it's a doctor going to see a clown I haven't worked out what it is yet haven't worked out what it is yet but I haven't worked out what it is yet. But there's a doctor, the doctor goes to have a one-on-one consultation with a clown. I mean, that is already, you know, maybe a concept, one-on-one clown situation. Situations in, come into my office kind of clown situations. Yeah. So it's just you there as a solitary order. Like, do you think you could laugh? Do you think anyone could laugh under those circumstances? Yeah. With just them and a clown.

I mean, you know, my kid blows a raspberry on my tummy and I really giggle. So I think that if a clown one-on-one did that to me, I think I would probably laugh a lot. Cause I guess if it's a clown, you kind of expect them to kind of break some rules. Mm, and that's one. You know? That's one of the rules.

Like, if you, would you, let's say you were like a bored millionaire, maybe even two millionaires, right? Yeah, you're two millionaires, wow. No, you've got two million. Oh, okay. And you're really bored. You've run out of things that you could spend money on with your two million. that you could spend money on with your two million. You've already hunted the most dangerous game, Electric Monopoly. Electric Monopoly? Yeah that's right. Yeah anyway so then you're like looking for an experience and I think that if a clown, if you were one-on-one with a clown my feeling is

That the rules that they would break is that you would probably like they probably touch you in places where they're not supposed to mmm, but I Think that that's a form like if you were paying to do it knowing that it's probably gonna be that Yeah, then it's kind of like you're going Okay, I'm willing to try this Like yeah, you're like I just want I want somebody to cheekily try to tickle me In in a weird way yeah, well, I mean, you know, if you are, similarly, you know, similarly like, you know,

if you are very sick, you might be willing to try very, you know, unproven alternative therapies. Maybe if you're very sad. Bored, yeah, sad or bored. Bored or sad. Yeah. Or depressed, you'd be willing to try some alternative comedy.

It feels like a, it's for someone searching for a cure for an existential sadness. They need an experience that almost, you know, makes them feel like they can experience a joy great enough that they could, you know, have them feel like they can experience a joy great enough that they could, um, you know, have a reason to continue. Well, they're in a huge joy deficit. They're sitting on their big pile of two million dollars. That's your favorite bit of this whole sketch. I think it is mine too. I think a character, we should have a sketch character who's a guy with two million dollars. And he like acts like a real big big shot.

Yeah, always just like keeping a little extra eye on things. Yeah, yeah, and then he goes home to his two million dollars. He might even have it in a hot tub. Well I mean the thing is, if he has two million dollars I can buy him like a pretty bad house in Sydney. Yeah Imagine if he did keep it in the spa, let's say he has a spa in his bathroom Okay, he just kept all the cash piled in there Because he loves to go and sit on it and stuff like that But somebody comes over and they turn on the tap and he's like now you're getting the money wait Yeah, I don't want that

And it doesn't matter because it's plastic but it would feel weird to have your money be all wet. In Australia our money is plastic by the way. What's the money made of in Canada? They have they've they've I'm pretty sure that they get them made in Australia because it's the exact same technology it's the same. Same polymer polymer yeah I don't they probably could have just sold the technology to Canada but it's the same ones that I'm pretty sure Australia came up with that

tech and yeah I think we're gonna have to wrap this up Emily I hope that these all these bits about people dying are okay I mean they did say your last day. I think. That's true. That's true. I forgot.

Unless it was a threat. Oh, it could have been a Patreon delivered threat. Andy, would you like me to take you to? Yes, take me to the Matthews. Take you to this. And you know what? I wrote the word outfit But I wrote it out. I Fit so it looks like it says outy fit

anyway, how do you fit idea a Giants hand and holding a sword You know, that's the perfect outfit. We've got every object is fucked but conservatives act like it's fine It doesn't have to be conservatives, but you know I mean. I mean I'm finding just a group of people who are defending defending it and saying that it's been always all now with so sick of people changing things. Well it was just changed. They try to like ignore that that was the case. Yeah even yeah all this all the structures of, we act like they've been around forever. But they really haven't.

No. Yeah, yeah. They're really new, it's crazy. There was a thing where Zizek talked about that, where he's like, he was always like, we can picture the end of the world, you know, and he was talking about all those disaster movies at the time.

But there's no way that we can picture an end to capitalism. We can't see a way in which we could get out of it. Yeah, wow, that's good. We've got actor learns lines for a scene by using trauma. That's a kind of a service that people offer. Trauma- based, yeah. We got horror based team building retreat.

I think that's a really good one, Andy. I think that's a good alternative to that deadline one that we were thinking about. Yeah, yeah, I agree. Because I think it's just slightly, just because the word deadline was used so much, it made me think that this was, anyway. Then we got mispronouncing room in the office where you can go and just mispronounce some

words and you can get away from all the you know all the pedants and you can get away from all the people with comp judging ears the judging ears who judge you for failing to you know whatever it's not my problem but then we got lightning bolt factory reset and this can also be a company that offers this system maybe they put you between in the two parts between like one of those Tesla you know those Tesla machines that do the big shock of electricity between the Tesla coil Tesla yes they do it in there. They just put your head, but they never know exactly where the bolt's going to go.

But we go off. We just keep your head here for long enough. Imagine that as there's like those bolts that happen around you and then eventually one's going to get you. It's like total recall, but this is total lack of recall. That's really good Andy. Total recall, but this is total lack of recall. That's really good, Andy. That's a really good name. Almost. You could put that as the total of this episode. Okay, I will.

Then we've got capital corporal punishment. That's where the guy gets spanked to death. Then we got capital punishment where you wipe their mind, but it's also a horror film Which I also think is a great horror film idea or at least a psychological thriller Yes, oh I wonder I've never seen shutter Island. I know that's supposed to have some reveal I should watch that I've read the Wikipedia page if you ever want me to summarize it for you. Okay, well, just tell me, was it this idea that we just had?

No. Great, don't tell me anymore. Doctor who says I wouldn't buy any blank to someone who is dying and then later on has to get corrected and then has to say I probably would buy a puppy if you want to see it die. I think also you could see in a medical school where they're teaching bedside manner and they specifically teach the I wouldn't buy any ex technique for breaking bad news to people. Yeah, I think also a part of bedside manner where they're like, now there's the crucial

part of being a doctor where you tell people that they'll never walk again. That's obviously the best bit, the most fun bit. We all can't wait to do it. No, you can't wait to get your lips around that. Now, the problem is a lot of people do end up walking again and they make you look like an idiot. You know, I think... I think that would be funny to see a doctor really stewing over that He told a patient they'd never walk again and then the patient starts walking again and the doctors really like feeling super humiliated

They're really angry and bitter about it. Yeah I've been made to look like a fucking fool Look at that guy. Hey, no, you can't. And he just, you're getting out of the car. He mows you down. And you just see him standing there. He's holding a bat. Yeah, see the Jenkins. I told you.

You'd never walk again. You make me a liar. You want to make a liar of me? You think you know better than me? You want to walk about? I saw those headlines. You proved... Oh, that's good.

I saw all those headlines that said, you proved the doctor's wrong. My wife read those headlines. She can't look me in the eye. My kids don't respect me. I ask them to go to bed, they say, hey, you were wrong about that guy not walking again. So it's probably not time for bed. It's probably time to get up. I'm going to go to school now. That's what they tell me at 9pm at night. I'm going to go to school and then they go to school. I mean they don't really but they walk out the door and they

make these sort of, you can hear them stepping out there and laughing to each other. And then I could see and then it seems like it's very cold where I live and they've got like they said they think they've got a secret stature sort of magnum egos out there. So why don't they keep it in the snow? Cause then when I opened the door and I said, they're all eating magnum egos. I said, where do you get those?

I love how you've only been in Montreal a few weeks, but already you're building snow into your bits Alastair. You've really got climate. Really involve very intense seasons. Deep drifts of snow. Yeah, deep drifts. I think also somebody who's told they'll never walk again, but it turns out it's because they have some sort

of sprinting syndrome. And now they can only sprint. Even where they're going very short distances, like even around the house, from the fridge to the sink, kitchen's bed, they really run top speed. You got sprint syndrome. Sprint zone. Okay, that's good, Andy. That's good. And then, okay, wait, we we got a couple more. Doctor, we already said that. Then we got person who's dying soon trying to not buy a whole roll of toilet paper or something like that. And Doctor, I don't know,

we already did, just Doctor Bedside Manor lesson telling them they'll never walk again and anger at someone who did I? Think also being able to buy toilet paper in single shit packets You just put like a two shits, let's say in your pocket And then that's how the this is how like the government will stop like furnishing toilets, you know, public toilets and stuff. They'll just, now that everybody's buying it and yeah, nobody expects you to carry a toilet roll. Maybe you should, I should contact that Who Gives a Crap company and say, look, this is

a, I've got this idea for you. You're selling toilet paper, a little single shit, single serving. Yeah. You can still put it in your paper shit and you can still make it a really awful toilet paper, a little single shit, single serving. Yeah, you can still put it in your paper shit and you can still make it a really awful toilet paper. You can still do that because I know that's what you love. I love that, making toilet paper that hurts people. I know you got into this with the softie.

Alastair, you talk about this, you talk about this a lot. I think you might have a very sensitive butthole No, because that is not I think you're revealing a lot about yourself I thank you. Thank you your precious inner city anus that I got one of those calloused country boy I know where you just like you just go out into the unto the gravel and you just sit there bare ass and then Drag yourself like a dog across the gravel and you just sit there bare-ass and then drag yourself like a dog across the gravel. Yeah, anyway.

But you know what? There was this, I heard something recently that almost convinced me. Sorry, I know we should be ending the episode. Convinced me of something. But there was somebody talking about how he doesn't think that we can go backwards with technology or with like lifestyle.

We just have to find a way to solve the problems because people won't accept it and it will create, it will create walls. So we have to find a way to push through and somehow make things better by finding solutions because people just won't accept them. Well, I mean, if cold fusion happens, that'll be what does it,

if we can get that happening real quick. I mean, even hot fusion. Sure, I'd take hot fusion. I'd take hot fusion. I don't even mind. Even, you know what? Any kind of fusion. Room temperature fusion, I would. Oh, I'll take it.

Teppid fusion, also known as teppid fusion. I think the fusion isters, I think they consider that to be pretty cold. Oh, the fusion isters. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. What did you say? I called it. Yeah, that's what I said. I said the fusion isters. I think that's the word I made up for the people who are really into the-r-ati. All right, Andy, let's wrap up this episode. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da And we love do you think was a good idea for us to do all the songs on every episode of this podcast? No Yes, yes it is but I think it's part of what we've got to do it's part of the process now Yeah, all right. All right. Well now we know how you really feel

Yeah, and we love you. Oh wait, I have to say one thing. We appeared on Chris Paolo's podcast. Oh, about science communication. Yeah, about science communication. Hang on, I'm looking it up right now. It's right here. I'd just like to just say that before when I said

it was a bad idea for us to do the songs, I really just mean it was a bad idea for me to do the songs, I really just mean it was a bad idea for me to do the songs. I think you do a great job every time and you shouldn't be embarrassed, but I do think that I should be embarrassed. I don't think you should be embarrassed, Andy. That's the whole point is that it's silly and it is embarrassing, but that's where, but that's, we're having fun. That's right. That's the shameful thing.

The podcast that we appeared on is called Applying Research and it's the fifth episode. And we talk a little bit about us doing the pop test but this is great if you are a scientist and you are trying to get into more science communication. Thank you very much. Next time we might try plugging it earlier on in the episode. Earlier on in the episode, yeah.

After we've already said definitely go Okay before that. All right, and we love you. Bye. We love you. Bye Marketers and business owners you've been pining after a certain someone your jobs on the line You're desperate for them to like you back. Here's a word of advice from me. Talking is hot. Just you and them, finally alone, like us two right now. Maybe under the duvet or at the back of the bus.

Headphones on, one on one. Podcast advertising is proven to be one of the best ways to catch their attention. So surprise them while they're tuned in, while the moment's right. Say a line or two that really gets them going. Next time, if you want to win over your special someone and build some brand love, experiment with something new. Just focus on your voice. Advertise on more than 100,000 podcast shows with Acast. Head to go.acast.com slash closer to get started.