Two In The Think Tank - 421 - "GENRE REVEAL"

Episode Date: April 14, 2024

Inner Genius, Overbush, Boothole Proctologist, Podcast: The Movie, New Genre, Genre Reveal, The Labours of the Procreators, LHC Boomers, Iron Oil Protest, Spit Valve Fertiliser, Pus Degustation, Ocean Ride Bacteria, Diarrhoea Morse CodeThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.Check out Stupid Old Studios' COMEDY LAB here and support the artist fund if you can.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereEdited by Andy with all the due apologies. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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We dig together every single day. Hello and welcome to the Tic Tac the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Five sketch ideas. Ah man-deh ah man-deh. And I'm Alastair. I'm Alastair George William T. Ray. I'm Blay Beor-chil. Beor-chil. And I'm from the south but the north of the south It's true it's true everybody's north of something Everybody's a northerner. Oh Wait, what about I was gonna say what about the North Pole, but that actually is true for the North Pole

That's particularly true I think in many ways, you couldn't have chosen a worse example. If you were looking for something that wasn't north of anything, the North Pole, it's hard to think of a less good house. Yeah, but now it almost seems impossible to think of a single example that could be... What about people on the Moon? That could be the perfect example that is... People in is people in space not even any direction exactly right exactly right they're outside of that they're outside of that entire plane of existence is there I wonder if there's a concept such as space north space west Space West How do they how do they measure this shit when they're doing rocket launches and stuff

Maybe they just use it left and right When they're just trying to go to like deep deep space Yeah, what are they what are you referring to? They probably use starboard. Starboard. Very good. Is that in something? Is that from something? No. That's really good. Andy, it was a genuine mistake. It was a genuine mistake. That wasn't a star pun? It wasn't a star pun. Wow.

I was just trying to do a boat thing Really good And I can't I can't do good on purpose really I mean something inside me must have known I mean I gotta be able to take there might be a real fucking genius in there Alastair like Really like hammering on the walls of the cell you've got them imprisoned in and yelling through this tiny little grill Occasionally, yeah, you know your consciousness. Here's a whisper, you know coming up through the pipes or whatever it is That was like like I think they managed to like work a finger out is that you've got going on there. That was like a, like I think they managed to like work a finger out through the, through

like the, like, you know, like a hole in the prison wall. Yeah. And it sounds like they're pretty thin walls or very long fingers. Very long fingers, a genius at having long fingers as well. In the land of the thick walled prisons, but with lots of holes in them, the long-fingered man is king. That's what they say. Yes, yes, hang on.

I just wanna say the word, Jumanji, but I wanna say it in a really interesting way. Okay, I'm gonna say it. Three, two, one. Jumanji. There you go, what do you think about that? Hang on. I just got to talk to somebody. Okay. Would you be able to brush your teeth and go to sleep? Well, you can do a little bit of reading.

If you, if you set the timer for 30 minutes, like I said, you can have 30 minutes of reading, but no, not of the the screen oh yeah I'm on a podcast I can't I can't debate so it's either bed or book but you go brush your teeth first okay thank you I'm sorry that we're not gonna edit that out there should be some sort of augmented reality thing that you can, what if your mirror, your bathroom mirror was a big TV screen, right? And it has cameras that look at your face, obviously. And then you open up your mouth, right.

And that using augmented reality, it puts little monsters all around in your teeth. Right. And you, you have to, you've got a toothbrush, a Bluetooth enabled toothbrush, and you're scrubbing away, you're trying to get the little monsters and they keep jumping around to different teeth and into different crevices and that sort of thing. And then, you know, before you know it, you've worn your gums away because of your gaming, your teeth brushing addiction. Alastair, this is a genuinely good idea and I worry that you're not there anymore. Oh, and there's a whole... Well, you did distort for a second.

Okay. And so I did have a moment, but I do think that a generation of children who are essentially, they just have nubs of gums. There's just like the roots of the gums still just holding in barely. Like none of the downward arches are there anymore. And it's just these kids are so,

they're so oral health conscious. They were up late last night brushing brushing their teeth the parents were apologizing the kid keeps falling asleep at their desk they're bleeding gums leaking onto the the exercise books like he was up so late last night brushing okay we don't know how to stop him. We try and take the brush away, but he screams at us. Yeah, and I think that that would also lead to people in the sort of the health world, you know, like not medicine people, but the sort of the hippie types who would be like,

well, they would go off brushing altogether. Cause they'd be like, no, no, no, that's associated with the tech world and control. But I'm sure there are some people. I always thought that brushing was bad. Yeah, I always said it. But Alastair, there should be, there must be people who do that already.

There must be people who are like the don't wash your hair people, who are like don't brush your teeth, don't wipe your ass. I've heard of don't wipe your ass people. Really? Wow. Yeah, I've heard of people who have dated guys who don't wipe their ass. That seems like the worst possible thing. Is that a philosophy or are they just fucked?

I mean I think that they're fucked but I mean but they had a girlfriend so I mean how is that possible that seems crazy. Yeah but it was just like they would only deal with it in the shower which seemed awful. Oh my god that's way worse. Yeah, because it feels like then once you're dealing with it, it's kind of changed state. Alastair, I know that you don't like guys who are, people who say fungi, you know, fungus scientists,

fungous scientists who say fungi, right? How would you feel if you went to a proctologist and you found that they kept pronouncing butthole? Not that I think that proctologists probably use the word butthole, but they pronounce it. But they would pronounce it butthole? Or butthole, yeah. Butthole, no, butthole is, I think butthole is cleaner if you wipe.

Or boothole? How were you saying it? Butthole? Butthole? Like, the first T is hard, but the second T runs into the H, so the second T is part of a th. I apologize. There's just someone here. I have to just take this. Mm. That's okay.

No. We, uh, it's one of our podcast guests. Yes, it's one of our, um, child of the show. Mm-hmm. Spawn of the show. Um. Yeah. So how do you feel about that? The proctologist who pronounces it butthole. Or bathol.

I love it. Yeah. Would you... I am going to need to leave you to do this for a moment and I will be back. I'm going to be so good at this. I love it. I love flying solo. That'd be a great movie that you could

make. It's about somebody's appearing as a guest on a podcast. But there are two hosts, the host and the co-host of the podcast. And there's somebody in there as a guest. They're not a podcaster. They don't have the skills that are required to to run a podcast on their own. They're the like, you know, this is the Joe Rogan podcast. They're just a scientist or something, you know. They're a public intellectual, but they're not a podcaster. They can't begin to imagine how to control the recording equipment or even just the flow of the conversation. And yet both the host and the co-host of the podcast succumb to food poisoning and die slumped at their desks. Meanwhile, but the podcast is still recording.

They've got to bring it in for the big conclusion. They've got to do the sponsor reads. They've got to do the plugs at the end all by themselves. Right. And so I imagine a really experienced podcast, somebody who really knows what they're doing, like a Mark Maron or something like that, is brought into podcast headquarters to call in and to guide this inexperienced podcast guest

to bringing the podcast to its conclusion safely. And then when they do, and they finally hit stop on the recording, there, you know, people are gathered around, there's applause, so many things that go wrong, obviously. But it's called, it's called Podcast, the Movie. And I think- Podcast, the Movie is a great idea.

But I- I'll very quickly summarize for you what the idea is, Alastair. It's a podcast with a host and a co-hosthost and they've got a guest, a non-podcasting guest, right? They've got a scientist or an intellectual or something on as the guest, but both the host and the co-host of the podcast succumb to food poisoning and die during the course of the podcast, right?

And so the non-podcasting guest has to steer the podcast into a successful conclusion. Do they have to, so it's not like they have to speak, they have to speak more than 50 words per minute or else the podcast explodes. It could be that. That's an exciting element. I imagine, I mean, this is a long movie. This is, we're talking two, three hour film. The podcast these days can be pretty long. So I imagine there's gonna be all sorts of twists and turns.

Maybe there is, somebody has planted a bomb on the podcast. And the hosts have fainted. I mean, we do a lot of, we do a lot of crank riffs or versions of speed. I think a version of a crank or of speed where it's a podcast that has to be, where the riffs have to be at least at a certain level of quality or the podcast will explode.

It's a very good idea. Yeah. Yeah. Speed rules. Speed rules, yes. I mean, that should be its own genre. You know, like how a lot of video games for a long time, I don't know what they use now,

but a lot of them were built on the Unreal Engine. They should keep making movies that are built on the speed conceit, the unreal engine. They should keep making movies that are built on the speed Conceit the speed engine they should just license it and then everybody can do their own version And you wait and you wouldn't say we're gonna go see a movie Anymore, right? You'd say oh, we're gonna go and see a speed We're gonna go see a speed and you go to the cinemas and there's always two or three of them on you Just pick one which speed are we gonna see today?

There's no reason why noirs or westerns need to be a whole genre you know it's just people dressed as cowboys and then it's a story right same thing it's only just people walking into a detective agency all it is is that you just go oh we've decided we're gonna make a lot of movies like this. That was such a good idea. And so I think the speed genre feels like a great idea because then they're gonna be like, and this one was really put a flip on the old speed genre.

It's very subversive speed film. All of the Hollywood bigwigs, you know, with their bigwigs, they're all obsessed with turning a film into a franchise. I think they're thinking too small. They should be turning films into genres. Exactly. You know, because then if you had the Avengers genre. Genreverse? You've got the genre rights? Yeah, and then suddenly every time a group of people get together to solve a problem,

you get a little kickback. That would be really good to get the genre rights to it. To invent an entirely new genre and then you license the genre is so good. Yeah. I don't know if anyone's out there inventing genres. They should. Well, I mean, I think that we've genuinely, I think to have the speed genre, it's all that we really want to watch.

I've basically stopped watching movies after speed. It was that it was the Chris Nolan one with the spinning top. And then and now I'm back to try to watch speed again. But there's no more. There isn't. They're not making any more. Really good speed on a bus You know what made me what made me Do you like like everyone's like I love Keanu Reeves hmm And I don't know and this is actually not that unlikable, but it made me like him less

Is that he would they were like somebody said like what was what would be your like your? You know your perfect day or whatever. And you know, he's always like such a chill guy. And he's like, I don't know, like, you know, like ride my motorcycle, maybe like have sex two, three times and something like that. And I was like, that seems like too many times for me. I like Keanu Reeves, but I just can't get on board

with his number of times of sex in a day thing that he's always going on about. It's a real turn off. No, I agree. I completely agree. Well, maybe it's because I'm picturing it being an everyday thing. And then I remember the process of trying to to this would not be the case for you Andy but the process of trying to get pregnant and how suddenly it can start to really feel like a chore you know and how it just changes how you view you're like we're like no no

it's ovulation time We've got to do this Everybody I think that's I get it together. You're like slapping your face I don't know if that's been depicted in that way in film. I mean, I'm sure it has but I think that's a very funny thing to explore People who have to have sex they have to have sex a couple of certain three or two to three times a day or they'll explode. That kind of... Maybe that's why Keanu Reeves does it so much and likes to do it so much is because somebody has put a bomb in his balls and if he doesn't have sex a couple of times a day he'll explode. It's the perfect amount for him because it's the exact amount that he requires in order

to not explode. I don't know how you can be doing it and then just not be so sleepy afterwards that you can't get anything done. Yeah, I feel like that about having two beers. Oh my god. Yeah, I completely, I used to drink lots and lots of beers. I'm not saying I'm a cool legend or anything. I'm not trying to tell you guys how sick I am and how much fun I am to hang out with but I've drunk

You know sometimes five six beers Hello in a row, you know, but no but but now yeah, you're absolutely right to two beers I'm a I'm a sleepy guy Well, what happens is that if you stop at two then you will crash and so suddenly if you begin for me this is what happens if you begin in order to not become immediately super sleepy you have to continue. I used to find that you know in the evening I could have a couple of beers and be quite productive like that it would actually help me to focus or something and in

Writing never been able to focus with it with it. Yeah, really Really me it it kind of like it brings out my worst Like traits of getting distracted and stuff like that. I think you've talked about Mmm, I believe it's perant pronounced Mary To I think you've talked about, I believe it's pronounced, Mary Joanna, Joanna? Oh yeah, Joanna.

You've talked about that, a little bit of that chemical helping you to focus. But I think I have in the past had that same thing with like a beer and a half sort of like calms my brain down and I can actually just do one thing. Well that stuff is legal here there are state-owned things where you can go in and buy rolled up stuff really from the government in all formats from the. And I had one the other day, and I was like, Indiana, I'm going to have two inhalations.

And no, I had had two inhalations the day before, but I hadn't quite, I can't remember. Anyway, I decided to try three inhalations from a pre-roll thing. I'm trying to speak in coded terms, because there's somebody who's up. Yes. And I went, after three I went, that may have just been a little bit too much. And then,

but it was okay. But there was a moment, it wasn't like, it was fun. It was just on the edge of being too much But there was a moment in which I watched some Joe para Mmm. All right. He's that very slow stand-up guy and I was like, oh he's one of the best And then I got inspired and I started writing stuff and I was completely unplugged from the from the, from the like the needing to watch stuff online kind of thing that I get caught in almost every day. And I was just sitting and I was just writing

and I was just laughing to myself. And I was like, and it was exactly like how I had started when I would do that with Mitch in the shed in Canberra, just trying to write comics and stuff like that. I was like, oh my gosh, I'm there, I'm back. It was like they had taken that thing out of the back of my head from The Matrix. Yeah, wow.

And I was like, the algorithm lost its grip on me for a moment That's great. Did you reread any of your stuff and was any of it? Good and can you share any of it with us on this our comedy podcast? We've probably talked about trucks and taking trucks Drinking alcohol for too long there without actually saying anything funny. Sure. Sure. Sure But let's see. Sure, sure, sure. But let's see, look, I don't know if this is all good, but I don't think if I wrote things straight, it would be good necessarily.

But here's something that was making me laugh a little bit. Hang on, wait. This is, it's down further, but let's see, okay. I wrote, I love a thin slice of cheese. I'd take a slice and add them thick if they could make supermarket, deli department meat slicers with that setting. And then I wait, it says I just need a slice thick enough

that I can experience flavor. That's the goal for me with cheese. I eat it for its taste, not for its nutritional value. Right? Yeah. In many ways. I mean, nutritional value is like not even in my top 10 ways that I enjoy, I most enjoy cheese. So here, and here they are. Number one is taste. I don't know, wait, it, it isn't, no, I did put it second, but it's number two is nutritional value. But then I think for some reason,

this was making me laugh, was thinking about listing my top 10 most, the ways in which I enjoy. And then I went, I remember getting to three and being like, ah, three. And then I wrote how if you breathe any air that was under the plastic wrapper with the cheese when you first open it, you can smell the factory,

the cheese is packed in, you've heard all this before. Four I couldn't write down, but five I wrote is I like it for its diversity, cheese. I think that's good. Yeah. I like, and then eight was I like how it tastes and they went oh have I said that already? That was number one, you see.

Oh it makes lactose intolerant racist people shit themselves. Yeah. Wait. racist people shit themselves. You know? Yeah. Um, wait. That's great. I like to think about that stuff that they put oh yeah, on shredded cheese that powder stuff

that stops it from sticking together and how if that powder was a man who worked in a cheese factory, I would imagine if that was a real man, I bet someone on Twitter would like point out to them how the hypocrisy of how like they work with cheese, something they obviously love, but they spend their life trying to keep it apart.

Stop it from being with its own kind. Yeah, this is the top 10 things you'll ever, we're just reminding you, just reminding the listeners, these are the top 10 things Alistair likes about cheese. Yeah. Top 10 things about cheese that Alistair likes. I think it's because it's very difficult to imagine that there's more than two things. And I can't even imagine. I don't think nutritional value really goes there.

But I think it's also, I find it very funny that you set up this bit of like, I don't think nutritional value would even be in the top 10. And then you're going through the list and you're like, well, number one, there's the taste, obviously. Number two, well, nutritional value. Oh, I was wrong. I guess I was wrong. Yeah, that was- Fuck, that surprised me. I did not think it would be that high. I was sure it would crack the top 10, but you know, sometimes these... Yeah, but I think in the real, you know, if I was doing the real bit, maybe I'd put it, I'd put it, maybe 11, I'd say nutritional value.

But I don't know, I think it's very funny that it's at number two. I think there's a kind of comedy there that I don't know if I've seen before, where you confidently set up a bit that you're gonna do a list of something and something's not gonna be in there, and then it turns out in your own list that you're making up on the spot, that it's there, you're like, ah, fuck. Oh, I look like a real fool.

All right, well it is. I'll still read the other end. Yeah, exactly. Yes, I think that you really, and then you get down to like seven or eight You're like, I mean honestly, this is the I This is the highest I thought nutritional value could possibly come in at or maybe you do it from 10 up You go from 10 to 1 and you're like fuck

Nutritional value hasn't appeared yet. I really worried. It's gonna be number one You get to Where did I put this taste is number two you're like it taste is taste is number two on this list What could possibly be number one? I tell you what if it's nutritional value out of here and I mean permanently I'm gonna kill myself You open the envelope For some reason that what is in an envelope you open the envelope you look at the envelope you close the

Seal it back up again. You say excuse excuse me. I read the envelope and I say, I say moonlight. Oh, and then you're like, oh no. Now you say La La Land, you read it wrong, and then you're like, oh no. And then you're actually, it actually is nutritional value. That's funny. Was it, so it was actually La La Land that was read out incorrectly? La La Land was read out incorrectly. I don't know how.

I haven't, I'm sure if I read some articles I could find out what was actually happening there. But that's one where it's like, did you momentarily slip into a parallel dimension? I think it's just that thing where it's like if you have somebody like from my knowledge of people that are over 50 You can just make really basic mistakes like It's just like one of those things where you're like wait. How did you change? That's like how did you change your iPad setting to be like?

True my parents have linked up their phones in some way where when dad texts you, it says it's from mom, and when mom texts you, it says it's from dad. And so you'll get a text from mom and you'll write back and you'll say, okay, thanks mom, and then you'll get another text from mom saying, this is dad actually.

And I'm like, well, how was I supposed to know? They keep correcting me. They're the ones who've somehow done this thing. Could you just change the names? They seem quite annoyed when I get their... No, but well, the phone calls still come through from the right people. It's just the text messages. And it's not all the time as well. Sometimes... It's only sometimes.

I mean, that's, I think if we're gonna find, if we're gonna find like, how to get into the back end of the universe, you know, like how to like, travel through space at faster than speed of light speed, we're gonna have to like give some people who don't know how to use like the the Large Hadron Collider access to it to just push a lot of buttons. That's a great sketch. We've given a couple, we've put a couple of boomers in charge of the Large Hadron Collider for six weeks just to see what happens. Two weeks in they've already opened up a portal to the past. They don't know how they did it. They don't know how they did it. Just to see what happens two weeks in, they've already opened up a portal to the past. They don't know how they did it. They don't know how they did it.

I've somehow, they somehow set everyone in the in the world to French. They they don't know how, but they've set all languages in the world to French. Now everybody's speaking French for some reason. They can't change it back now because they don't speak French. They can't read it, but everyone speaks it. I don't know. Haven't worked it out. Alastair, uh, that'd be quite funny if everyone started speaking French all of a sudden but nobody knew French. We're all speaking it, we try and communicate but nobody can understand it, what everybody's saying. I think that would be really good.

One second, my child needs to ask me something. Good night. Oh, you're saying good night? Yeah. Alright, well, I love you, thank you for not making... Can I please stay up? you're saying good night yeah all right well I love you thank you for not making like no you can't stop but but if you end up in bed with me and Huxley later then that's completely fine no darling but thank you very much I appreciate you helping me out hey you can stay up a millisecond more that's a really good kid. Wendy's until May 5th.

Terms and conditions apply. You gotta go to bed now, is that cool? Do you wanna make a sound and then, do you wanna make a sound and see it come up on the- Buh, it's not gonna be that, oh, ah! Whee! Buh, buh, ah! Do you wanna, hey, do you wanna sign, hey, shh, shh,

okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, do you wanna sign off your name? Otis the Great! Alright, that was Otis the Great everybody. Goodbye! See you later. Bye Otis. Otis is watching their waveform on the thing change. Have a good sleep. change. My second youngest child, Remy went and recorded a podcast with one of

their friends at the studio yesterday. They've been planning it for a very long time. It's called the best friends podcast and they actually went along and did it. And Alistair, I will send you some photos of them recording it because it's incredibly adorable. They look so cute. I haven't listened to it. I haven't received the audio file yet, but I'm very excited to hear.

I wasn't present. What studio did they do it at? At the Stupid Old Studios podcasting studio. Yeah, it's really good. I'll send you the photos. I just wanna give a quick shout out as well, Alastair, to your bit in there about making lactose intolerant racists shit themselves. Because that is also a joke and a type of comedy I can't immediately say that I've heard before.

And I think that's a really unique and interesting angle on that thing. Yeah, the only problem with writing is because I was writing so many different things at the same I think that's a really unique and interesting angle on that thing. Yeah, the only problem with writing is because I was writing so many different things at the same time. Like I have like sort of seven pages of like sort of pencil written stuff. And so, and then also while I was writing, I would forget what I was writing about.

And like I would forget the very sentence I was writing. And then I'd go, oh, what was it? Like, as I remember trying to write that bit about the, if that powder that keeps the strands of cheese apart, I remember having to try to write that about seven times. Being like, what was I trying to write? Listening to it back, I really got a sense of that. I really felt like this is coming from a guy who is losing his grip on what this is supposed to be as it's happening

Yeah, it's also it's also not completely written out still so I had to like partially recreate what I think it was fill in the gaps But yeah, but there's I think there's more to be had from a lactose intolerant racist as well. You know what, I think you're right. I mean it would be good if all people who are intolerant, and by that I mean racists, if the symptoms of their intolerance instead of horrifying racist abuse, exclusion and violence, if it was the same symptoms as lactose intolerant, where they get bloated and shit themselves.

I think- Yeah. They were actually intolerant in that way. Yeah. So then they were, in many ways, be victims of their own biology. Yeah, well, no, but I don't think it is their biology. I think they are still genuinely, you know,

they're hateful intolerant people But the way that it I mean yours might work as well. I'll astaire. I'm sorry. I'm dismissing it No, I Andy I don't I'm not trying to change your idea. I'm just trying to we're just we're just searching We're just searching We're searching you've picked up a lump of what could be gold. I've said no I'm not even gonna look at that and I've I've knocked it back into the deep waters of the of the of the river we're standing beside yeah and I've held up my own rock and say I think this could be

gold yeah no I agree I mean you don't want to look at other people's gold out of fear that it's fool's gold exactly and then what's the problem with a lot of comedy secondhand no because that's the problem with a lot of comedy. Secondhand form. No because that's the problem with a lot of comedy is that when you write it you sometimes go this is gold and then you say it out out loud in front of an audience and then you find out that it was fool's gold. You know you go I was fooled my brain looked at this gold. This was actually an iron comedy iron pyrite. Iron pyrite. Still pretty cool if you ask me iron pyrite. That'd be a good name for a pie shop where you cook all of the pies in cast iron pans. Iron pyrite.

On irons. Oh yeah, iron pyrite. Or on an iron. I wonder if anybody in a pinch has ever cooked bacon on an upturned steam iron. There was a UK comedian who would do shows because of like at the Edinburgh Fringe where he would talk about like, it would basically was a cooking show that he would do based on skills that he developed learning how to cook really nice meals in hotel rooms.

Okay. And so he would like cook noodles in the kettle. Yeah, right. He would like use the iron as like a hot plate. Yeah. It sounds like this has been well and truly explored. But the problem with bacon though would be that there's those holes in the... I know, trip down into the holes.

I mean what an amazingly vile and horrible thing to do it would be to go to hotels, empty the water out of the steam kettle and replace it with cooking oil. Bake and grease. Replace it with bake and grease. Maybe we could use that as a sort of a campaign of civil disobedience to, I don't know what we, what it would involve, what we're trying to achieve, maybe more action on climate change, but we find out where the next COP 27

or whatever meeting's gonna be, what hotel they're gonna be staying in. We go in there and we, over a period of months, book out every room and as we do so, we sneak in and fill up the irons with oil sneak in and fill up the ions with oil so that when they appear, you know, the delegates appear on camera. They've all got huge oily greasy stains all over and it's very symbolic of course of the grip that big oil has on these. Which it must be hard for Big Oil to grip things

because by its very nature, it's very slippery and gripping becomes. That's right. Big Oil's grip is slipping, which you'd think would have happened a long time ago. Happened all the time. I mean, it's Big Oil. Bug Oil.

Bug Oil. A Big Oil's blouse. Should I write this down? Greason. Yes you should. It's a, it's a, it's a, we, we're also interested in keeping track of civil disobedience actions. Types of protests. Types of forms of protests. Yes. Alastair I feel confident in saying we've probably got five sketch ideas written down on your piece of paper. And we could go to three words from our listener. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Eight things.

So we're going to go to three words from our listener. The listeners don't know, but this is a re-record of a lost episode. That's true. A lost episode that we only have my half of. Alistair's half of. We should release it like people who do those green screen challenges. We'll publish just your isolated vocal track, Alistair. Your haunting isolated vocal track. And add people, you know, those green screen wizards out there, they can green screen in their own comments in place of my comments and we'll see what different versions, what hilarious

scenarios, those they can put your vocal stylings into. I may need to go for a second so I'm gonna give you three words Andy. Oh my gosh, wait, okay wait, you, okay no, you better guess the three words first. You go away, I'll try and guess them while you're gone. Okay, alright, and I'll be back. Okay, apologies. This is interesting because usually when I'm guessing the words I try and guess them based on the previous word and also I have Alastair who's always very helpful and supportive in these kinds of things and They to encourage me and tell me if I'm on the right track and how I'm going

Because he's so kind about this section of the podcast, but let's just see if I can just do it Maybe that's a crutch that I don't need maybe that was was holding me back, and if I can just like, you know, like Luke Skywalker when he can hit the drone when he's blindfolded. Okay, maybe I'll actually have a better chance of getting the three words right if I don't have any feedback. So I'm closing my eyes here right now, and let's see, the first word is Let's see, the first word is paradiddle, the second word is peony, and the third word is parasite. Paradiddle, you know, broken through some sort of barrier and I'm now floating in space all by myself. Maybe the world has come to an end and it's just me and my voice. Now just those three words and that's all I have. So paradiddle,

peony, parasite. So paradiddle, I don't even really know what that is. It's a terrible word for me to choose. Something to do with music. It's probably a sound or like a sequence of sounds that you make on a musical instrument. Maybe a guitar or a lute, probably. Peony, I think, is a kind of a little, maybe a little blue flower little flower of some kind and parasite obviously we all know what a Parasite is So, let's see what if there was a you know how um the gunk builds up that liquid builds up in the trumpets of Trumpet players trumpets of trumpet players. The trumpet of the trumpet player. Maybe that liquid could could become almost like the amber grease of gardeners or

something like that and they actually they highly value that collected saliva of the trumpet players and they travel around from jazz club to jazz club, draining the spit valve of these brass instruments, collecting it in a big vat and then taking it back to put onto their flowers to, I guess, grow prize-winning azaleas. And then there's a parasite for some reason, allostair, go on. What would be the key words I would write down for that idea?

You, I mean, a spit valve fertilizer? You could write that down. Spit valve fertilizer. Okay, Andy, and what three words did you come up with? Was that the three words you came up with? Okay that the three words you came up with? Okay, so the words I came up with were paradiddle, peony, parasite. Please, for God's sake.

You know, one of the words is so close. Oh my God. Because it's beef. Well, I mean, it's bacteria-fed beef. Bacteria-fed beef. Bacteria fed beef. Bacteria fed beef. And do you want to try to guess the listener? Yannick Rausch.

Oh, great attempt. It's close, I think. It's Jared Schaeffer. I feel like every time I try and guess the listener I probably guess Yannick Rauch. But Jared Schaeffer? Yeah. Jared Schaeffer.

Wow, Jared, you really sound like you could be a film editor or a, um, Jared Schaeffer or, um, I mean maybe more of a film producer maybe? High flying, some, yeah? High flying producer possibly. Could be a high flying producer. That's great. Producer type even. So bacteria fed beef Andy.

No Jared Schafer is probably a cinematographer. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, he could be a guy who sleds in a business suit. The business toboggan. The business toboggan. There is a hill somewhere in New Brunswick, I think that's called like magnetic hill because it cars look like they're going uphill when they go uphill they they go they pick up

speed and when they're going downhill they slide down they slow down and it takes a lot of effort. And I think it's probably a visual illusion of some sort. But, you know, imagine that, but it's bacteria being fed to beef. Bacteria fed beef. Yeah, now is it the bacteria that is fed the beef or the beef that is fed the bacteria? I think there's an inherent ambiguity in that sentence. It's very intriguing.

I mean, it's interesting to think about, you know, like, you know, sometimes you get, if you get pus, you know, from some infection that is due to the bacteria either dying or eating something and then it's pooping out pus? I think it's the white blood cells that are eating the bacteria and creating the pus. So they're creating the pus, like that's them pooping out the pus I think that's them dying as they consume the bacteria. I think so they gorge themselves It's like an all-you-can-eat buffet of bacteria

Yes So it's like it's just like it's like a sewer of death You just get like a little like oh, yes, it's the song killing field of pus. But I was wondering is there something that you could feed the white blood cells that would make that pus delicious? You know what I mean? Could you infect your body with something? You know, with something that made the pasta-lish. Oh, God. You know, let's say it was just in your knee, for example.

Yeah. And you just injected, like, you know, like you, maybe like you, you've like, you know, I guess kind of like you would put a, you know, you'd put a human ear on the back of a mouse, but you'd find like a virus, and you would maybe put like a piece of garlic to the back of it.

You'd grow a bit of garlic on the back of it. Some garlic cells. Yeah. And then, then you'd inject it into into your knee and then the white blood cells would be like, ah, there's an evil, you know, evil virus there. I mean, all the imagery, everything associated with this is the most horrific stuff I can imagine. And I, like, I can feel the nausea rising in the mouths of the listeners. But wait, are you picturing somebody trying to use a syringe to suck out the pus from

your knee and that person is wearing a little chef hat? Well, I mean, what I'm actually picturing, and that could well be good, Alastair, but what I'm picturing is that it is the chef themselves and their body has various infections all over it in different areas with different bacteria producing different flavors. And I think the chef probably lies naked on the table in front of you and you sort of lick their wounds, their weeping wounds. Oh yeah, that's good too. And sample the something from the groin, sir?

I guess it's sort of like a more Western version of that eating sushi off of a naked body kind of thing. There you go, exactly. It's a bit more rugged. Come on Heston, come on. You coward. Heston Blumenthal, I'm calling you out. You know, like you see bacteria swimming pretty well

in, you know, on one of those like, you know, when you're looking on a microscope in a thin film of water. Well, we're about to get more climate change, right? So the water is gonna rise and we might for a while just have a thin film of water over land. And so if we were to grow bacteria,

we could ride on them like a magic carpet. And use that as, you know. I know, but it's just like one big one. Oh, wow. Yeah, I love that idea. Yeah, a bacteria of burden. A... I can show you the swamp. Glistening, shimmering, fetid.

Fetid, does that mean like festy? glistening shimmering feted fetter does that mean like festy? yeah basically F-E-T-I-D fetted that's good oh F-E-T-T-A-E-D yes Alastair fetted is that how it's spelled?

like as in turned into Greek cheese. Yeah. But when you said it, I was like, fuck it is one of those words where it could be like, like it's O-E-A-E sort of shit going on in there. Like maybe fetid is spelled F-O-E-T-A-E-D or something. And I was like, nah, I'm out of my depth. Which you also would be riding on one of these large bacteria, but we've had large bacteria ideas

before, haven't we? We have, but this is the first one you can ride. Yeah. Ocean ride bacteria. Um, ocean ride, bacteria, um, Bacteriosa. I wonder what the, do you think we've nailed this? I don't feel like we have. I wonder what the nerve endings and stuff are in the stomach that detect

bacteria and that make you nauseous and vomit. What is the, what is the sense situation going on inside? Cause we talk about there being five or six senses or whatever, five senses. But there must be some inside that are just like, that are just somehow you're sensing this bacterial growth that's like taking over your digestive tract. There's gotta be a decision that's like taking over your digestive tract.

There's got to be a decision that's being made in there that's going, all right, not too much of this. I wonder if there would be a way to communicate almost using like a sort of a morse code, right, of bacterial infections and nausea. Maybe you could communicate secretly to a prisoner, one of your spies who's been captured, you could communicate a message to them by placing bacteria into their meals in a sort of on-off, on-off, or like long, short, long, short bout of diarrhea that would allow you to...

Over days? Yes, over many days communicate a Morse code signal to them. Where like, you know, one's a diarrhea and then the next day's a vomiting. Yeah. And then you use a sort of a diarrhea-vom binary, which they will now scratch into the wall.

They don't realize for a while, but then suddenly they cotton on to this. They pick up on it. They're like, wait a second. I had a short bout, then a long bout, then I was vomiting. That's Morse code. I mean, I think that you could maybe even, you could, I was trying to think of how you could communicate it through having like different types of bacteria under your nails and then you bite the one that you're trying to communicate. But I guess you would have to get somebody

else to bite it. Yeah, or you'd have to, they'd have to be down at the end of the sewer that comes out of the prison cell. Oh, but imagine that every time you walk past, you just stick your finger in the little window of there. It's like in a little cage window. Like that, and then they see that, and then they suck your finger really quick.

And so they know that there's like a type of communication. It feels like once you're getting that close to them and you're actually getting your finger into their mouse, that maybe the diary or element could be bypassed something. Yeah. But maybe not. What do you think you could just go, uh, no, Michael won't be coming tonight. Yeah, maybe. If that's what the message you were trying to get.

Michael's got diarrhea. Alright, Alistair. Take us through the sketch ideas quickly. Yes, yes, Alistair. Take us through the sketch ideas quickly. You think we did it? Yes, yes, yes. Okay. Wait. Wait long. Short. Wait. Oh. Oh. Oh.

This one was a bit of a mess, wasn't it, with all my interruptions and stuff? I apologize everybody. Oh, but I think it was good. And that one where you left early and I had to do it on my own for a little bit. It felt like it energized me a bit, made me lift my game, try a bit harder. I wasn't going to just let you carry me, Alastair. Yeah, sorry. My beloved has gone away for a week.

Anyway, here we go. We got the genius inside. That's the one where we find out that there actually is a genius inside us and we're actually stopping him from coming out. But occasionally, through accidents, they can, through moments where we're not paying attention, somehow they can get us to accidentally say something good. Like moments where we've let go of the grip of our own consciousness momentarily.

So it just, like we just said to our brain, just send me something random. And that's the opening through which that they can poke their finger. We think it's random, but it's actually, yeah. The overbrushing the teeth video game That leads to kids losing all their gums except for the Well, you know, maybe some of them will lose everything but uh Do you think if all the gum is gone that there's just nothing holding on to the tooth? Yeah What yeah, I I think the tooth goes into the jawbone Okay, you'd be down to the jawbone. I think

into the jaw bone. Okay. So you'd be down to the jaw bone I think. Okay well then so it's just look it could still function pretty good. It's fine, probably fine. Yeah it might just be a bit wobbly do you think? Yeah maybe. But you just eat carefully. And then we got the the booth hole the the booth hole proctologist Then we've got podcast the movie it possibly Follow speed rules or crank rules We've got then we've got new genres This is the studios figure out how they can make more money by creating new genres for example the speed genre Or the Avengers genre and they anytime a group of people come together yes you have known your own genre verse yeah then we've got the trying to procreate

sex and how laborous it can feel what about this instead of gender reveals you have genre reveals so you, you know Christopher Nolan It's got a whole lot of balloons Down by the beach and it's he's gonna reveal What the genre of his next film is? Oh the balloons burst open. They're full of a thick black liquid. Oh It's gonna be a noir film Or horror I suppose. Horror could be a horror.

Or maybe horror would be blood. Oh, blood, of course. John Roeve, it's a horror. That's good, Dale. It's a horror. I guess we need the films to all have a color, don't you, then? Yeah, it's gonna be hard.

I guess if a ghostly spirit emerges then we have Trying to procreate. Oh, yeah, we've done that we've got we put boomers in the Large hydrochloride or computer room and so that they can accidentally discover something impossible We've got grease and Up the Irons in the hotels as a oil protest at COP 30 or something like that. And we've got the Spitvalv fertilizer, the Bacteria Chef flavored pus, and we've got ocean ride bacteria we've got the long short bout of diarrhea communication love it

Andy I think that was maybe the perfect episode I apologize for apologizing really we did it we did great okay I'm just gonna delete the episode now all right Should we go into the song? I'm just going to delete do this they think every podcast has to begin with them making up a little song so Alice Arlo was writing down a plan for the podcast that they want to do last night and he started by writing binky bonky bonk bank bonk bonk bonk bank or something like that. We've really set them up to fail. Well I don't know you know maybe maybe it'll be great Andy. I think that some of our songs can be pretty acceptable. All right Alice did you want to plug anything? Oh I Oh, I should have mentioned at the start that I'm on a recent episode of The Gargle,

Alice Fraser's non-political news comedy podcast. Yeah, and we both appear on Do Go On's quiz show that is yes. That is starting to appear on Stupid old channel. YouTube on Stupid old channel. Yeah, that was very fun as well. I really humiliate myself, I think it's fair to say, by doing extremely badly. Come in with quite a bit of swagger,

a lot of people talking about me being very smart which I love and then I proceed to eat shit in such a comprehensive fashion So, you know that might have some enjoyability for people Yeah, I feel like maybe I've appeared on something else, but I can't remember right now. So anyway, that'll do. Thank you very much for listening, everybody. You've been so wonderful. We appreciate you.

And we love you. And we love you. Goodbye. Bye.