Two In The Think Tank - 422 - "PLAYING THE HOMPHONE"

Episode Date: April 21, 2024

Topical Erotic Fanfiction, Climaxing Everest, Born Slippiest, Heavage, Head Crushed Not Fireman, Police Food Auction, Tongineer, Tooting the Sewers, Jonathonist, Sounds Like a HomophoneThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.Check out Stupid Old Studios' COMEDY LAB here and support the artist fund if you can.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereEdited by Andy with all the due apologies. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

From the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, a new hero arrives. I am ready. Is there anyone stronger? No. Ha! Tougher? No. Funnier?

I do not make jokes, I make warriors. Knuckles, now streaming only on Paramount+. Yes! Pew. No, no, no, we were gonna do some plugs. What did you want to plug? I wanted to plug DoGo on the quiz show, which is available on Stupid Old Channel. I have been on a recent episode and Alastair, I believe you are on a forthcoming episode

or maybe even a fifthcoming episode. It could be, it could be a thirdcoming. You know, and you know what I actually thought of a joke about that, a Pokemon that's called Gyarados. And I was recently saying it'd be great if when it evolved it became Gyratrace. Really good joke. And also, I may have already mentioned this, but I was on a recent episode of the podcast, The Gargle, talking about news and current events. And that was fun as well. And I listened, and you were being very funny, Andy. Thank you, Alistair.

All right, let's try and do that again, but on our podcast. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Ah, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Ah. Hello, and welcome to To In The Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Five ideas. I'm Alistair George William Jomley-Wirchel.

And I'm Andy. And we are coming to you alive from both sides of the globe simultaneously. I think statistically speaking, this podcast is taking place inside the liquid molten core of earth itself. On average. Yeah. On average, this is the hottest podcast in town. The, uh, the pressure under which it takes place is not only enormous in the sense of we only

have a small window of opportunity before our children start screaming at us, but also the vast crushing pressure of the weight of the earth. Not just the weight of parenting responsibility, but the entire mantle. No, but even that is relatively crushing. You know, I feel like a submersible trying to visit the Titanic sometimes, where the smallest dent and I collapse in on myself into a bloody mist. Yes, It's a very unstable point of equilibrium or whatever that we exist at. And yes, the tiniest rupture in the fragile outer shell.

Now, Andy, I've maybe mentioned to you, you know, I'm always talking about podcast ideas and it upsets you. Podcast ideas that I wanna do by myself and things like that, that I would love to have you involved, but I couldn't possibly put you under any more pressure in your life, obviously. And I feel like this one, maybe you wouldn't want to be involved, but this is an idea and maybe I've brought this to you, but the idea is topical, erotic fan fiction. And what I do is I open up the news

and I look for a story. We are bringing you some of the most breaking boners. Absolutely. Breaking boners, breaking boners and breaking wide-ons. And then you look up, you go to the news and you say, it says here, oh, David Beckham is suing actor Mark Wahlberg. And then you read out the story. You say the football star has launched a multimillion dollar lawsuit against a very famous Hollywood

actor after a deal went sour, right? And then you know you kind of read the rest of the story and then you begin and then you start you know describing how that could maybe lead to intercourse. Yes of course. Well Alastair, but to me that doesn't feel like your purest version of this idea. I feel like if it was to be, and I'm sorry to tell you your business, and I'm sorry to tell you how to go full Alastair, but for me, going full Alastair, the story would have to refloat a collapsed pontoon bridge off the coast of Portugal. And there'd be almost no people involved in the story at all. There'd be a large, inanimate object.

There'd be maybe an abstract concept and you would be trying to extract the maximum erotic potential out of that. I mean, you know, the expansion of the, you know, the pontoons, you know, the pontoon's, you know, buoyant floaties as they pucker up and, you know, and more. Now, Alastair, I- This is the kind of commitment you can expect from this kind of podcast. I'm sorry to take us to this place so early

In the podcast, but imagine if we got to the top of Mount Everest Hillary and tensing get to the top of Mount Everest and right there on the very top locker up Lock her up. I Don't know what you're talking about. Oh Hillary Sir Edmund Hillary Clinton is that the character sir Edmund Hillary Clinton? Is that the character you remember? Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing, Tenzing, the Nor guy, has started listening to podcasts of Donald Trump. He just can't help himself. Alistair, so you get to the top of Mount Everest and on the very peak there is a, we find that

the earth has a clitoris, right? The earth's clitoris is right at the top of Mount Everest. Now. Like it is on a woman. The very top of her head. I mean, it makes sense. I'm 100% in. Yeah, great. And then we as a society have to decide as humanity,

decide what we do about it it whether or not we rub it and try and be crazy that we if we discovered that some of the problems with the weather and things like that have been since people have been climbing on it and then it's cuz oh here we go earth has been having like gushing orgasm Or it might not have reached the climax. So I think probably what we would need. Oh, it's it's getting hot It's getting wet, you know, all those sorts of things But we have a hot and wet managed to get it there yet To the to its ultimate destination and that's what we have to do in order to reset the climate, you know?

Absolutely, so we and so that then it can finally cool down but first there will be like intense blowing winds, you know, as we get closer of course in rare instances buckets and buckets of escaping fluid. Really good. Yes. Have I already suggested this on the podcast that we start to make the claim that there is no such thing as male ejaculation? I like that a lot, yeah. And it's actually just piss. We just think it's piss.

And the guys are just very dehydrated. That's what it is. Have a fucking drink fellas. Would you, would it hurt you to hydrate something in your body? That's supposed to be moisturized something, you know, because you know, guys apparently don't moisturize very much, which I don't. Well we need to come up with a more way to, masculine way to refer to it, like they did with power naps, like when they rebranded the Nano nap to the power nap so that men wouldn't think it was girly to have a little sleep, right? We need to come up with a new way to refer to moisturizing your skin so that it sounds like something, um, you know,

man would do. What, what, I'm not, I'm not, um, uh, I'm not moisturising my skin. I am velocirizing, velocirizing so that I'm more slippery and I can move through life more powerfully. Exactly. move through life more powerfully. Exactly. I mean, like, you know, I think it's almost like a form of aerodynamic. Hmm. It is, isn't it?

You know, because you are becoming less, uh, you know, less frictiony. It would be great to invent a lubricant so slippery that when you coat your body with it you can actually slip through the earth. You can slide down into the ground like no between the like in between the sand grains and things like that like yeah your body just pushes them out of the way because you're so slippery because the thing that stops you going in falling into the earth is actually friction. It's those Resistive forces between you and the ground It would be crazy if like all you had to do was like point your toes Yeah, stand like a ballerina and you would just start falling in And so when you're teaching kids to walk you're like and remember

Keep your feet flat or the earth will swallow you. I mean, it's a good idea. We invent the Vanta Black of lubricants. Oh, yes. Nothing can escape. We call it Vanta Slip. Oh, Vanta Sl call it Vanta slip. Oh, Vanta slip. Vanta sl-slack. Slap.

Vanta. Slack. Slap. Slack? No. No. Slag? Slip?

But that's like, the Vanta slag is when somebody becomes such a slag. Like the purest form of a slag. Yes. Go on. such a slag, like the purest form of a slag. Mm-hmm, yes. Go on. I don't, it's been so long since slag has been part of the lexicon. I've lost touch with what it truly means. I mean, I guess like, let's feel it out.

Let's feel it out. Slag, slag. All right, so slag, is it somebody who's promiscuous? Is it like slag? No, I think it's's more like rough and abusive. And kind of, you know, like a bit, you know, more impolite. You slag, you slag, I'm trying. You know, it's probably, you probably would aim at more at poor people, but I could picture a rich slag

I can see the headline on news.com.au already. I think this is two mentions of news.com.au you have made today already I just love it. I just love Murdoch newspapers made today already. I just love it. I just love Murdoch newspapers. Slag. It's a great word. I think we should try and bring it back. So wait, what was the idea of the Vanta? Oh yeah, slip in, oh yeah, lubricant that allows you to slip through the earth. I mean, what would you do with it if you had such a thing? It would almost become like a superpower because I imagine it would allow you to sort of walk through walls. You know, you could sort of swim through the earth and swim up under a bank vault or something like that. I imagine that it allows you to slip in between atoms.

Mmm. It really makes that sound every single time. Yeah, and you would feel like, I think you would feel the magnetic force on your face as you go through. Well, you've become immune to friction. I think that's the main thing about this lubricant. Really what would be great is you would wanna apply it

only to sort of one side of your body, right? Like you'd only want to put it on like say if you wanted to swim through the the earth you'd need to apply it only to like your upper body so that you can still push with your legs to push you through but you're forcing your head in that way and then maybe though like if you were wanted to say escape from the cops you would smear it all the way down the front of your body. Then you can just run, get up a bit of a speed and then dive face first onto the ground and slide along like a penguin. Yeah.

I mean, I think it would be pretty terrifying once you're inside the earth and you can't breathe. But also you wouldn't firstly, I think it would have to work like one of those epoxies where where you know it's like two tubes next to each other and you and they mix together with because how would you keep it inside of a tube right and also you wouldn't use it for sex because you would just pass through your partner even as you're rubbing it on to yourself, your hand would start going through your own body.

Oh, it's quite horrible. You know? Yeah, it's almost a curse, isn't it? Oh, exactly. I mean, I assume you're not hurting anybody by passing through them. I assume it's like two galaxies passing through each other and that hopefully none of our atoms collide. Infinitely slippery. Well, I think statistically speaking maybe they wouldn't, you know, because there is, as we know from watching Honey I Shrunk the Kids, there is so much empty space inside. And Ant-Man. and Ant-Man and Ant-Man

Do you think Ant-Man basically stole ideas directly from honey? I shrunk the kids I It's my suspicion that and may have predated The actual original Ant-Man so maybe it honey I shrunk the kids stole from Ant-Man Because it was you know was a silly comedy idea, right? And I guess it would have been from the SCTV guys or? Because Rick Moranis was involved. Yeah. But that's still Lorne Michaels, I think.

I think Lorne Michaels was SCTV as well, wasn't he? I don't know. Was that, because Lorne was originally a sketch performer himself, is that right? He was a- Yeah, yeah. I know he was at least involved because it's a Canadian thing, right?

I, you know what? I don't think I can, I can solve this for us right now. Maybe he tried to create Saturday Night Live as a Inspired by SCTV or something like that. I just can't even though I'm looking at the Wikipedia right now. I can't I reckon taking any information and keep this information to brook. Yeah. Yes. I mean that's a struggle enough on its own Alastair It's a struggle enough even having to have read something Indeed without having to be interesting at the same time. Exactly. All right, Alastair, now you've heard of interpretive dance, right? Yeah, what about

male cleavage? Have we brought it up? Have I talked to you about male cleavage recently? Have we brought up, have I talked to you about male cleavage recently? You've heard of interpretive debts, but what about male cleavage? Well, obviously we've got to call it the heavage, right? For a start, so that men feel good about it. Absolutely. We're reclaiming it. But I think that it needs to not, like, cause I, you know how like you get the pecs that get a form of cleavage

and they get a low cut top with that. Mm. But I think it needs to be like, it's the owning of the sort of the sloppier male tit. You know, like the, just, you know, and they get pushed up a bit, could be with tape, could be with whatever, but just getting to move them together.

And, you know, and I think probably, look, this is not, this is not, it's gonna be yucky in its intentions, but I think it's gonna be because it's gonna be this movement is initially gonna come from People wanting to get more views on their on their Instagram reels or their tic tocs Men wanting to have more cleavage because anything where a little bit of cleavage is showing on anything gets a multiple more views than just showing on anything gets a multiple more views than something that doesn't.

It is true, isn't it? It's almost like a sort of a cheat code for social media. Whatever the codes were in Warcraft or Starcraft that would allow you to just instantly get a certain number more gold or whatever it was. It's like that, but for attention, clicks, eyeballs, you... Exactly, which eyeballs are the gold or oil of that world.

It's funny, it's great to hear you talk about, um, Starcraft because, you know, we all know that you've obviously created a Bush poem about Starcraft, but it's so rare we get to hear you, you know, go back and reference that cultural touchstone that is now becoming quite aged. Well, it's still the most recent thing that I know of. Still the most recent, the last time I was, it's like I've pushed off from the end of a swimming pool and I've been swimming underwater for a long time without taking a breath or kicking and I'm just using that initial momentum that I got from pushing off from that touchstone that was StarCraft and

I'm really that momentum is really running pretty low and I am going to have to come up for air or die very soon. Sure. Well you know I think both are on the table. But I think we need to think about what a male cleavage, what its appeal would be. I think something would be is that it would probably have to be quite hairy, the male cleavage. I think it does have the possibility of being that. It might not be as deep as, as say a woman's version of that. Well no, but we're not trying to have woman's cleavage.

We're trying to have man's cleavage, you know? Yes, so that's why I'm trying to quantify what would be the KPIs, the key performance indicators of a male cleavage. Well I think-, I think hairiness and that sort of darkness that you get from the hairiness, right? It's like when you look into a wood, all right, a forested area and it gets dark very quickly in that dense, thickety undergrowth. That's what a man can bring to a cleavage that a woman could rarely hope to achieve on the same level.

Sure, yeah it's got that kind of werewolf vibe you know that. Yeah. But it's not all gonna be that you know like you know you got a picture of people from everywhere doing this all types of people and and I think we're gonna find, you know, I think it's just a new element of fashion that helps diversify the male wardrobe a little bit more. Well I think what's fascinating about the boob tube. I'm thinking about the boob tube. Yes.

Now picture it on. Amen. Yes. Okay. There you go. Now now picture it on Amen Yes, okay, there you go now, but picture it lower cut Now picture it even lower cut But it's I think it's got to be the part of it is that it will still I Think the mail the men will hope trigger that same thing in people

that is sending them back to birth, what they're looking for, is that shadow. There's something about that little shadow line that makes you, you know, do you remember when your children were born? I don't know if you would remember this kind of thing. You probably haven't, it's not something you've experienced that much.

A child being born. But when they're born and the first thing that they can do is like essentially, the only thing they can do is kind of push with their legs and it kind of is to push them up towards a boob. Wow. Yeah, right. You know, and that kind of that's that's one of the

few built-in factory standard features and the rest you have to download into them. But that comes and you get that for free that little leg push. That's a freebie but the next taste you got to pay for. That's a little something to get you started Yeah We'll give you the leg push, but if you want to be able to do arm curls Mmm, the rest is that's the only will give you a model, but the rest is I mean that's life Isn't it really life is like one of those? Freemium it's like an app that they you download and you're like, oh, there's a free version you download it

But then the version of life that you get, you can only really push with your legs and suck. And then if you want to do- And the only thing you can eat is breast milk. Exactly. You're like, this is terrible. But if you want to experience all the flavors of life, well, you got to like, you know, have somebody pay to take care of you.

And- Yes, if you want to unlock all of those extra features and but you know if it was up to me I would spend a long time just trying to see how much I could how long I could get away with just pushing well that's right I mean think about it if you let's say you didn't make it to a boob let's say you were just pushing along the ground you know and eventually you would encounter things that you could try to eat mmm you could suck on I think I mean it would be you were just pushing along the ground, you know? And eventually you would encounter things that you could try to eat.

You could suck on. I think, I mean, it would be great to have people who've made it all the way to adult hot hood, refusing to engage with this capitalistic framework of existence that insists that we must gain more, arms do more that we must use our arms exactly to uh to upgrade right i uh i'm not going to engage with that all i do i'm i'm 47 years old and i've never done anything more than push myself along with my legs and suck and

just letting everybody know that andy isn't 47 years old that was just him playing a character. I was trying to imagine the most absurd age possible for a man to be. But we are aging so much that it is actually no longer beyond the realm of impossibility like of possibility that we could be 47. Yeah. What was once unimaginable? Once, what was once-

It was so unimaginable. The most absurd reaches of fiction. I mean, even reaching 40 feels, it does feel absurd. It feels embarrassing. It's weird because I'm still a young up-and-comer. I don't understand. Me too.

I'm still like, well, at some point, if obviously I'll be plucked out and I will be given the opportunity that allows me to feel security financially and all that kind of stuff they go oh that's never coming yeah like it's gonna be it's gonna be weird for everybody when I suddenly get successful at 50 but it must happen at some point so I guess it's gonna have to happen then or or maybe it's 60 I'll suddenly be yes plucked from obscurity. Oh well. Oh yes. I'm gonna get danger fielded. Mm-hmm. Is that what happened with Rodney? He was like, might have been 60 or something like that.

I mean, that gives us all hope, doesn't it? It doesn't, but you know, Andy, I've had a lot of those guys in my mind over the years. Yeah. And I keep flying past them. Yes. It's okay. Ricky Gervais didn't get the office commissioned until he was 37. Oh, fuck. Yeah, exactly. It's like I remember hearing him say, well, nobody's funny until they're 30. I go, well, I'm not 30 yet, so I don't have to expect to be funny yet. That's exciting. And then I kind of flew past that. And then it's like, oh, Flight of the Concords, they popped late. They were like 35 kind of flew past that and then it's like oh fly to the concourse they

popped late they were like 35 you know flew past that but isn't it interesting it feels like Ricky also sort of slid into a relevance relatively early on as well so he really was a last in first out kind of a guy like I feel like I couldn't give a shit about anything he's doing. Andy, I think that this is just a Starcraft kind of situation where you just don't realize how huge he continues to be. My mom loves watching videos of his all the time. Really? Really? Your mom?

Yeah. But he's quite, sort of, quite, puts his sort of rational, atheistic kind of thing a really big front-center. And your mum, she likes to dabble, I would say, in a little bit of the woo-woo. Sure, but he also likes to just be like, oh, you should be able to say mean things, you know? And people shouldn't get offended. and I think there's just something in our parents generation where I think and you know

Obviously, I don't want to drag your parents into this but where They might be like well, we should be and so it's almost like enjoying it You know, like how sometimes like people enjoy sometimes it feels like people enjoy political comedy, just because they agree with it and it's not necessarily because it's that funny. Yeah, yeah. You know, and that's always what I think made me feel a little bit yuck about stuff,

like anytime you make a point, it always feels like you should be making a point that people don't agree with Yes, and as a way of getting a pure laugh Yeah, but anyway But obviously that's not how you build You know Gervais numbers of volume size because you know he released all those other ones about you know We released that show about his wife dying or a wife dying. Somebody's wife died.

I never saw Derek. I never saw, you know, I didn't really see the one about the short guy. Yeah, yeah. Life's too short. Yeah. Great title. Oh, very clever. But should we, should we? Was the guy dying? Is is that what it was was he dying as well? I don't know I think he was just

short. I mean then it would make sense but if he wasn't making sense then it's just like a it's just it's just a you've added the word short in there. Yeah, yeah you could have called it anything right? You could have called it short pants or a short lungs, short black coffee thank you. It's just got the word short. Anything with a word short in it. Exactly. Now of course you know I could be missing the main point but I think the whole point of that show was just to get Liam Neeson to say something fucked right? Is that in that show as well? That's an achievement in and of itself.

That's a good achievement. But then he started to go out and say fucked up things even without being on a show. And then they were like, oh we should have got that on film. Could have said it was ironic. So now look, okay so the last thing I've written down is male cleavage, I apologise. No, but that also feels like you were quite resistant to hearing any of my ideas about male cleavage, Alastair.

Sorry Andy, can I hear it? I want to hear it now, I apologise. Well, I was just trying to drill down into this idea of that sort of that that darkness within the cleavage that comes from having that hair because I think with a womanly or a a breast all cleavage it is the the the darkness is a signifier of the sort of I guess the size of the boobs and that sort of you you your mate your mind makes a an inference a you know so sure between the relationship between that darkness and the size and then presumably that's what from the world of Sonic the Hedgehog a new hero arrives I am ready is there anyone anyone stronger? No. Ha! Tougher? No. Funnier?

I do not make jokes. I make warriors. Knuckles now streaming only on Paramount+. Yes! Trigger is a part of your brain that thinks about fertility and child rearing and that's what you know your primal instincts tell you is attractive. But with a male cleavage, it probably wouldn't be that deep,

but like that thicket, that undergrowth in the wood, there would be that darkness and a feeling of there could be anything in there, right? I think that's the thrill of the unknown and the slight fear. You could use the hair also. I mean, the hair could be, also you're doing it to strike fear.

I feel like until the last moment, it didn also you're doing it to strike fear. I feel like you're, until the last moment it didn't sound like you were talking about fear. It sounded like you were just saying that, and this is maybe where I jumped to, is that you could use the hair essentially as for like visual illusion type things. You could use a fade, you know, on the outside and then allowing that to

kind of create the illusion of a larger breast. And then creating that urge in people, which is possibly, you know, to see a large cleavage trigger some instinctual thing of like, I need to impregnate. I need to impregnate that. And it's so that men can get to have that feeling of wanting to be impregnate. You need to impregnate that and it's so that men can get to have that feeling of wanting to be impregnated. I'm sure a feeling that women enjoy so much. That they yearn for. But I think that's exactly right. That if we could find a way for men to actually, and this could be a good angle for the men's rights people maybe. A good satire?

Oh no, not satire. The Manosphere. They could be working this and saying that actually men... The Manosphere would be a great name for a male boob. Indeed. But they're saying that because this is why men have hair there, it's so that they can create this deeper cleavage and actually men are better at that's another thing that men are better at than women is

Guys are better at having big boobs Well of making people think that that's why that's why we have that the alpha male in a in any pack of of gorillas or whatever. That's why he has that. And he triggers those feelings of fertility. Yeah. Now this is something I've been thinking about when you, as you mentioned, alpha males,

is something that seems to be missing from alpha male dialogue, right? Is that, and apologies if I've mentioned this before, but the alpha male, right? Like, okay, so he's supposed to be the most powerful man of the group, male of the group, but he's also there to protect everybody, right? In the group. Mm. Right? So like-

Not to- Not to sort of threat them and intimidate them. Yeah, he's not just like supposed to be the biggest, the toughest and then just reap the benefits. It's like the reason why the rest of the group doesn't just kill you together, I assume, like you know, is that it's because they know that you're there to sort of is that it's because they know that you're there to sort of lead and then protect everybody. And to a certain extent educate and, you know. Keep everybody in line so that there's harmony and things are going pretty good. You have a functioning community. It's not so that you just

like get to like it's not it's not a dictatorship as far as I assume. Or not like if it is it is it's supposed to be a benevolent one right it's supposed to be for a positive outcome for all of those in the group and not just sort of generally horrible. Yeah. The alpha male in a gorilla pack is not the most horrible gorilla that nobody in their right minds would want to have anything to do with. Who gives bad advice to other guys about how they should be and treat people and things like that and make YouTube videos. I wonder what about like the alpha male ant?

Oh yeah, okay, go on. No, but just because, you know, like that's, because I guess if the alpha male idea is a concept that does exist, then it must still kind of exist in a matriarchal society, such as the ant colony. The colony of the common ant, God's tiniest mistake. And so then you would be the alpha male,

but you would also be like, yeah, but obviously I can't get anything done due to the the bureaucracy or you know, whatever the situation this the system doesn't really allow like, you know You get to push other ants around but in the end you I Mean, I don't know which ones would be would do because there would there be an there's the worker ants and then there's the sort of the the Soldier ants. then there's the sort of the soldier ants. Yeah I think those might all be females.

Are they all? I have a feeling, well I know that in a bee colony the drones do literally nothing other than impregnate the queen. Yeah right, okay. And they don't contribute in any other way to the society and I don't know if it's the same with ants but I think it might be, I think that. By the way, I got a book for Hux from the library the other day in French, and we read it,

and it's about this ant that's like young and watching this, you know, like it's ant colony that it's going to grow into being a part of. You know, walk by and it was impressed by the line of these ants that go out and get food and stuff and bring back food. And it was like, oh, I can't wait to be part of this line. And then it kind of goes and it like meets like essentially the recruiters that are like, and it tells them that and it goes, oh no, but

look at the size of your head. And it's like looking at the size of their head and it's like, no, no, no, and it tells them that and it goes, oh no, but look at the size of your head. And it's like, looking at the size of their head and it's like, no, no, no, and look at the size of your pincers or whatever. And it's like, no, no, you're not gonna be one of these ants that goes and gets stuff. You're gonna be a soldier ant, right? And then, so he goes, oh, okay, well, you're gonna be a soldier ant.

And then he goes, okay, well, I guess I'll be that. And then they show how it's gonna be like out here defending and it shows it how like that and then they give it a they give it a uniform which is like just like an actual military uniform and And then they're like, okay, and then there's like this moment where they're all kind of like parading like, you know, they're like marching in a parade and things like that and then a war starts and And then it shows like all these kind of like bombs

landing on the ants thing. And it then shows actual soldiers kind of like running in both directions. And then the next, the last page of this picture book is just like a concrete memorial thing. is just like a concrete memorial thing. Oh. And it has like the ants name in the list. Yeah, wow.

It just happens really quick and you go, I didn't, I guess it was just a joke, you know, or was it, you know, either a joke or a very serious kid's book, but it was, I mean, it doesn't feel like a joke to me It doesn't feel like something that'll really get the kids slapping their thighs. No, but I mean it's a it's it's So poignant so On the nose that it's like it does make me laugh

What did Huxley think? Well I mean he doesn't get it. He doesn't know. You know I'm not gonna lie he's three and I'm and I'm a bit slow to tell him about war. So what's happened here right is that the ant remember the cute little ant from the beginning. He has died in a futile war. He had no power over his life. Yeah, wow. And I mean, it wasn't where I was expecting that to go. I mean, I wasn't sure where I was expecting it to go, but I thought the comment might be more about individuality or something like that, or the, you know, the need to express yourself, which I guess you did in a way by dying He did yeah also like it's like making a kid's book like this, you know

It's about a kid who wants to be a fireman mmm, right and he says I want to be a fireman and And then he you know grows up and he kind of like, you know where's the outfits when he's a kid and stuff like that where he's got you know, he loves and he kind of like, you know, wears the outfits when he's a kid and stuff like that. Where he's got, you know, he loves putting things out. And then he grows up and he finds out about how you become a fireman. And he finds out that there's all these like physical tests and stuff like that.

And he trains really hard to do it. And then he goes and does the test and he fails. And so then he's like, oh, okay. So then he goes and he like tries really hard again. And he meets a girl and he gets pregnant, he gets pregnant, and they have a kid. And so and then they their bills start building up. And so he starts working in the supermarket doing night film. And then he can't, you know, then he just has to keep doing that and then he never becomes a fireman. Yeah, but I feel like he probably also needs to get crushed to death by like a can of,

like a crate of pineapple chunks that fall off a high shelf. Yeah, or at least really like dent his skull in a kind of like corner of a can kind of way. Yeah, and then he's in hospital and he's talking to his kid and he's got his dent in his forehead and his kid is wearing like a fireman's outfit. Like daddy and he says like is it the dad, you know, and the mom says, daddy's going to be a fireman one day. And he's like, yeah. And then maybe he passes away, I guess.

Yeah, I think he probably needs to die. And then, but there wouldn't even be a memorial in this case, because we're making an even more poignant statement. Yeah. That those who, there are those who are sacrificed for the structures of our society and to perpetuate the unseen empire which is that of commercialism and capitalism. And when those people die, we don't even put up a fucking sticker on the wall. Well, the mother puts up a photo. She puts up a fucking well the mother put her on the wall she puts up a photo on the mantle piece yeah okay good but it's a photo of him with the dent in his forehead because she just didn't have another photo of just him I should get a photo of you before you die I suppose but then he's got the dent he's got the big dinner head

She doesn't want to take a photo and just with the dent in the head so they try and fill the dent in With other stuff with a bit of putty and with putty or maybe by using it like a fruit bowl and ironically they use it to put little pieces of pineapple in there the very thing is Stove in his skull you don't want to put let the can go to waste they can't sell it after it's gone. They said you can have this now. That would be an interesting this would be you know how in Australia we have these supermarkets NQR the not quite right supermarket which is where

you can go and you can buy products that are like discontinued lines or something like that of things like cheaper by miles I don't know I don't know about that one but NQR you go maybe there are things that are getting a bit close to their expiry date basically things they couldn't sell in the regular supermarkets but then and there's that's not quite right but then there should be another supermarket, a smaller, darker supermarket called Quite Fucked Up or Fully Messed Up Shit. Completely off.

Completely off. Wrong. Just plain wrong. This one's called, not quite right, this one's just plain wrong. Don like shop here. Yeah, and they only sell Products that have killed before they have been these at the we sell the crates we sell the Things that have been involved in workplace accidents the some of them still have blood on them and they these have taken lives That's why the prices are so low This is like the police auctions. Yes. But it's the food part of the police auctions. You know, it's not like cars that have been

stolen or whatever. Like these are like everyday items that have accidentally killed people. But I mean police food auctions, like the food that has been caught up in criminal cases would be very interesting. Often you'll see something where like, oh turns out that they were trying to import kilos and kilos of cocaine inside cans of like coconut milk, right? Yeah. And I would be like, sure that cocaine needs to be destroyed but what happens to that coconut milk? Exactly. Feels like it's a waste to just throw that down the drain. I mean to think that there's yeah all these Thai curries that are gonna go on coconutted. Exactly and you know maybe a little bit of cocaine

will have leached into the coconut milk. That could be the best curry you ever snorted. Cocaine nut. Very good. Anyway, I think, uh, police food auctions has been definitely written down. Could be something. Andy, what if I was to tell you that we had a listener? How would you feel about that? I'd be, I'd be shocked? I'd be shocked but also pleased.

Well wait, let me tell you whether or not this is a true thing. Okay. It's true. It's true. I'm pleasantly shocked. And this listener's name is Dominic Stevenson. Dominic, Dominic, Dominic Stevenson. And listener Dominic Stevenson has sent in three words from a listener and that listener is Dominic Stevenson and the three words that they've sent in I would love if you could try to guess what they are. Okay, the first word that Dominic Stevenson, Dominic, has sent in is... Um, hang on. Poetry.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Doorway. Doorway. Did you say door- doorway or gull-way? the way doorway. Did you say door doorway or Galway? Doorway. Doorway. Okay. It's engineering.

Okay. Wow. And I mean, there's a connection there. Doorway. So sorry. Engineering. Engineering. Okay.

Engineering. Engineering. Farewell. Second word. Farewell. Oh, engineering. Engineering. Farewell, second word, farewell. Oh, I love that guess. Even though, Andy, it is so way off that I'm disappointed in you. I actually enjoyed hearing farewell there,

but no, the word is by, B-Y. Engineering, by, is it saying, is the third word committee? I mean, that seems... Andy, the third word is taste. Engineering by taste. Wow. Yeah. Okay. So you can picture it, you know, your chief engineer walks in and he says we got a new we want a new tender mm-hmm for a you know a new underground tongue into the sand and tell me what your what your taste buds say that we should we should do for this project

well my first thought there Alistair is that like with Neuralink with all these as soon as you get a chip in your brain, the next step is going to be getting accessories and finding ways in which you can enhance other parts of your body to take full advantage of that, of what that chip gives you. And I think it makes sense that the tongue being such a sensitive and flexible organ, for people in the engineering profession, it would make sense to have that tongue augmented with various probes and sensors. Lasers? Lasers, sure, that will allow them to do soil analysis, geotechnical probing, that kind kind of thing using just their tongue. So I don't think it's almost not barely,

it's barely fiction at this point to picture a team of engineers in there, their hard hats and high vis vessel. One engineer holding the other, another engineer by the legs. And he walks him along, he he dips his tongue in and he just walks him along sort of wheelbarrow stuff. The surface of the, again the fact that it's the foreshore is probably my favourite bit

of this Alistair, by the way. Well done to you because I am picturing, I am picturing a quite an industrialized docks type area where there is a lot of You know runoff and there's all sorts of shit On the on the ground that the ground is wet and slimy at the edge of the ear It's being pushed along with their tongue dragging through this. I think once you get into the water and they're like slick tongue in silt Mm and they're like tongue in silt. Hmm. Hmm.

It's a beautiful idea. It's a beautiful image. I mean, we're just taking directly from Dominic, Dominic essentially, you know, encoded all of this, you know, we're barely adding anything. Again, we're barely adding anything and it's barely fiction. One would say we've done and said nothing at all, almost. fiction. One would say we've done and said nothing at all, almost. We're practically describing reality. But I think it's interesting you say that, Alastair, that it was all encoded in there because when I heard those words, my first, I didn't interpret taste in that way. I interpreted it as sort of preference, as a sort of a, you know, almost an aesthetic kind of a thing, like an engineering where the

engineering is done not so much mathematically as it is done on a personal preference, right? So you could go to various different engineers and you can go to this engineer, oh they love, they love to use very, very thin columns and very thin wires for all their engineering. And you're not really, at no point does anyone really talk about the structural suitability of these kinds of things. It's just around the feel and what they make the engineers feel and the engineers are very emotionally connected to their work. Yeah.

They don't care about the size of the girders that you're using for your skyscraper, but they insist that they all be bright yellow, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah. Oh yeah. I love that kind of thing yeah oh yeah I love that kind of stuff it occurred to me just then that when I was thinking about it because the every building and all the systems that are run through a building the through piped means the building services is the building services. Um, every building must in some way be at least has the potential to be an organ. And by this, I mean like a musical organ.

Because they would have lots of pipes of different length that you could pump air or fluid through and play. Yes. And it just feels like it should be a part of the, you know, maybe the building code that an organ should be placed at some kind of like, you know, pipe terminal. I've always said this, Alistair, if you've got a pipe, you've got a flute. That's my you know pipe terminal. Mmm. I've always said this Alistair, if you've got a pipe, you've got a flute. That's my saying. I know you've been saying this

and in many ways the whole sewerage system has the potential to be like a city sized pipe organ. It's really good. I'm going to try, I'm trying mentally to combine the word effluent and the word flautist. And I'm wondering if you could... Efflautist. Effluatist.

Effluatist, I think would be... Effluatist. You have all the manhole covers throughout the city. Those are just those little key things, aren't they? And if you could get someone of the calibre of Louis Armstrong, all the manhole covers throughout the city, those are just those little key things, aren't they? And if you could get someone of the calibre of Louis Armstrong to go down to where all this sewage runs off into the bay and you put a little trumpet mouthpiece on that opening and get Louis to blow into it, and then throughout the city you have musicians

standing by every manhole opening and closing them and you play the city you play the whole city like a like a trumpet or a saxophone. A saxophone? Saxophone it's really good Iophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone.

Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone.

Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. Saxophone. John John John O'Nothanist this is somebody who plies Jonathan I've been plied you know this is like a John O'Nothan comes to you he says you know

that girl I introduced you to she plied me okay and then you say to him he's really distraught you say to him that makes her a Jonathanist. Write it down. I mean, how do you feel about the idea of a Louis Armstrong type or maybe a Dizzy Gillespie taking the tip, the mouthpiece off a brass instrument of choice, placing it into your butthole and blowing into it, and then using your various bodily orifices to play it to you. I mean, I'm interested. It feels like something people would pay a great deal

to do like the Guggenheim or something like that in front of a crowd of people. You'd like open your mouth. Yeah, yeah. And everybody would be very serious about it. Yeah, I mean, I would love that. Great. Famous jazz trumpeters.

I mean, you know, the way the intestine curls around, it's basically one of those, well, euphonium or something like that, a tuber. The intestinal tuber. And people, you know, have already sort of put the idea in our head by referring to the, you know, the anal ingus whilst jerking off a penis as the rusty trombone. Of course. Yes. I mean, the clues were all there. God has been placing these clues like he wants us to do.

I mean, people would say this in jest for years. I mean, the medical term intubated, which they used to mean when you've put a tube down somebody's throat to help them to breathe, it feels more like a word you would use to say that you were actually turning a man into a tuber by placing a tuber's mouthpiece in his... Yeah, intubated. Oh, sorry, that's pronounced intubated. It's for tuba.

Sorry, it's a synonym of intubated. And we apologize for making you think that we were just going to put a tube down your throat. No, we're going to be putting a big tuba mouthpiece in your anal passage. It's a homophone. Oh, the homophone, Alastair. Playing a man like a musical instrument. Homophone. Oh, that's perfect, isn't it? It is perfect. Yeah, it's a homo sapien phone.

Playing the homophone. Wow, that is perfect. It just literally means the human phone. Andy, we can't go any further and better than this, so we have to wrap it. I'm gonna take us through the sketch ideas. We've reached very much the clitoris of the Everest that is this concept. Well, that's idea two. Discover Everest is the clitoris of the world and that the climate will be fixed if we can just get it to climax.

We just, it'll cool down, you know, once we get through the world's orgasm. Then we have, first idea was topical erotic fan fiction. Very sexy episode. Very sexy episode. Very sexy episode. It's so unlike us to talk about slightly filthy ideas. Then we have the lubricant that allows you to slip through the earth and walls and eventually yourself as well.

We have the male cleavage for the sloppy gentleman. And that, you know, for the men's rights guys who think that actually our hair allows us to be even better at having cleavage. We have the never quite became a fireman kid's book about the guy who dies or the can who lands his for it. We have the police food auctions which is you know all the food that gets confiscated from various raids. We have the engineer with the tongue and soil being wheelbarrow walked along the foreshore,

because he's doing some engineering by taste. We have a sewer system that has the potential to be a pipe organ. We have the Jonathanist, a man who was played, a man called Jonathan who was played by his wife and somebody makes a stupid comment and takes away from the seriousness of the moment and we have the famous jazz trumpeters putting tuba mouth pieces in your butt and... There we go. Playing you like a homophone. Yes, like a homophone. So, I guess that's bit.

Bit. Bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit Thank you so much for listening to Two in the Think Tank. Think Tank. I'm Andy and I'm Alastair. My friend Sam recently we were sharing your French stand up piece and he wrote your name as Alastair Tromble etc. That's very good. That's very good. Yeah, I enjoyed it a lot. It's so funny to quit so deep in.

But you're like, you know, you get it. Yeah, you know, I can't possibly. And so on. Yeah, that's really good. If anybody else has any great spins on my name, I would love to hear them. So send them in to toothinthethingtank at gmail.com. And you know, and if you need us to be on your podcast or something like that, Andy doesn't have any time, but I could probably squeeze it in.

I'm going to try and make some time to be on Matt Stewart's Who Knew It with Matt Stewart podcast soon. Oh, you don't know what a luxury it is to live in Melbourne and be able to do that podcast. It's one of the reasons we're the world's most livable city. Exactly, and congratulations again. You've done it and you continue to do it. We'd lost it for a year, but then Matt started the podcast. We got it back.

And we got it back. And to the listeners, we love you. I don't know if you knew that. Bye. See you later. From the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, a new hero arrives. I am ready. Is there anyone stronger?

No. Tougher? No. Funnier? I do not make jokes, I make warriors. Knuckles, now streaming only on Paramount+. Yes!