Two In The Think Tank - 428 - "MANPUNK"

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

Birder Loophole, Manphone, Manpunk, Box Upper Cutter, Alasdair Fusion, Taking Our Accents, Bad Faith Podcast, True Dog Crimes, Canned Man, Snuffalupagus Is Greek, House PaintThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.Check out Stupid Old Studios' COMEDY LAB here and support the artist fund if you can.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to To The Think Tanker Show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Trombley-Birtchall and the most common bird I see here is the red-breasted robin. Really? The robin red-breast? Yes, yes indeed. Because in Australia, in Melbourne, it would have been the common minor or the minor common. It's interesting that one of the first things we do with a bird

is we make a note of the colour of its breasts. It feels very invasive. You're allowed to with birds. That's the thing. Isn't it? Have you also noticed as well? If a bird approaches you're allowed to get out a little notebook and scribble down its breast colour.

Society doesn't allow you to do that with anyone else. But you can you can document the hue or the color. You could have several. You could have several categories about that about that region. Mm-hmm. Yes color hue Shape Mm-hmm heft You you you have you could have notebook after notebook filled you could fill them up for days And they would be happy about it. They would say thank you for all this data

You can bring a little man with you who does a sketch drawing of it. That's also okay. Once again society will hold you up as an exemplar. He will allow you to break the animal up into pieces. I mean in the drawings you say you could just do a little drawing just of the chest just of the breast all region like that and then of the feet if you want hey mm-hmm the only people who can do that in society of the feet like that are well-known foot fetishist Quentin Tarantino. Hmm, it's only he and the ornithological sketch artist who have found the loophole.

One of the loopholes it turns out is being Quentin Tarantino and, that is a loophole that is, well, it's a hole shaped exactly like a Quentin Tarantino. Do you think this would be horrible? It's a sort of a mini documentary on a guy talking about why he loves birding. This is mostly it. He's in it for the wrong reasons Andy. It is, it is. We've even called a lot of those birds tits, haven't we? I mean this has been noted before. You can call a whole bird a tit. And then you're allowed to just spend your days looking at tits. That's what I that's what he says that he loves

Yes Andy I want you to know have but in and in and in And in doing so also let the audience know that you and I were not Guys who talk about breasts that much normally almost at all I'm not even sure I've ever heard you say the word breast outside of the, you know, the sentence man breasts. Hmm. Yeah, well, I mean, obviously that's a, that's a, that's a topic close to our heart.

Very close. Yes. Struggling part. Almost, almost adding a lot of sort of covering it in some kind of fat. Mm. Visceral fat that is restraining its movement. That's how close it is to our heart. But the other thing about birds and our relationship with birds is that,

do you think birds know that we have documented, I'm just thinking about this topic that comes up often is that, do you think birds know that we have documented, I'm just thinking about this topic that comes up often about ducks having a corkscrew penis. And we all talk about that, like it's just a topic of conversation. And we've obviously taken them out and examined them in a lot of detail.

Yeah. You know, and- Yeah. I mean, I remember showing the people of Do Go On on the penis episode that I did a video of like a duck dick inflating. Yeah. And but ducks, I mean, ducks don't know. They don't know that we're doing that No, you know people talk about ducks appearing very calm on the surface

mmm, but I Think that's only because they don't know What we're like, but you can see the anxiety in their legs under the water. That's true. That's how it manifests maybe that's how it manifests. Maybe that's... And just running, like they're running from something. When aliens come down and attempt to perform similar probe type experiments on us, I mean are we at all surprised that aliens are you know sort of probing us in our intimate regions? As soon as we discover a new animal in the

wild that's the first thing we go for. That's right. They come down here and Chip-a-lata shaped penis. Exactly. Or our straightened out corkscrew. Corkscrew handle. Maybe a corkscrew handle shape? A corkscrew driver shape. Penis. Oh interesting. Because it's long and straight long and It could be one of those ones you used to work on a computer though, you know sort of shorter handle Less of a stem

Of course Yes, and he's like that. We balanced it out. I love that we balanced out. We spoke about breasts, but then Andy, we spoke about dicks. And I tell you what, that is equality. The two equivalent genitals, the chest genital of the woman and or man and the reproductive genital of the man. Well you know, you know, Alastair, I've always believed that you can't say anything anymore, right? That's what you've always said. But, but, but if you say two diametrically opposing things, you know, you discussed the breast and

its mathematical opposite, the male male penis then those two things cancel out and therefore mathematically you haven't said anything therefore allowing you to fit within the uh the universal rule the law of conservation of anything nothing new has been said. And so... And would you say, if that is the truth, and I believe that it is, would you say that what would you say is the mathematical opposite of the vulva? Would you say it's the muscle-bound male back? Muscle-bound! The very opposite of the female vulva. Or would you say it's the male nipple? The useless male nipple? Being the opposite of the useful female vulva.

I mean I guess it is opposite in that the vulva has so many functions, so many different things that it does. It's essentially the iPhone of the human body. But it's not one, you know, it's three, it's not three devices, it's one device. Yes, and you can store photos in it. As my grandma once showed me. I was thinking that it would be quite nice to get, if for a while we could build giant phones, right? Yes.

Build a giant telephone. For comedy? Give it arms and pants. Okay. And a pocket, right? Giant phone it arms and pants okay and pocket right giant phone a forked flip phone sorry a forked flip flip a flip phone because I pictured that a forked flip foam because I pictured that the pants would be on the part that flips out but that would have to be forked so that you could put the two legs in, you know?

Yeah, I think that's a good idea. A phone with legs. Yes. My dream is that then this giant robotic phone could sort of hold me in its hand and gently run its finger over my surface you know and then slide me into its warm pocket and I could just ride around in there for a while. Like a baby kangaroo. Like a baby kangaroo exactly and it could whisper things into me you know. Like little voice messages into its ear. Like you would do with voice messages that you're know? Yeah. Like little voice messages. And I could whisper things into its ear. Like you would do with voice messages that you're sending to someone.

Like you could do with voice messages. You know what would be great? Yeah. Would be if phones didn't have the ability to communicate using radio waves, but you did just whisper your little message into the phone, you put it down onto the ground and then with its little legs wearing pants, it ran off to whoever it was that you wanted to send the message to.

And then they could pick it up and they could hold it to their ear, and it could whisper the message into their ear, and then they could whisper their reply into, I suppose the little man phone has an ear sort of in his crotch and That's where he hears the message and then he runs again and whispers the response somebody else, you know Maybe he's wearing a stethoscope And that's why he is down there

That's lovely yes, of course, I mean and you know what this is this is yeah yeah we love to come up with a new punk on the show we've come up with alternatives to steampunk. Mobile phone punk. Well no this is man punk. Oh man punk. Everything is just a different size man. All the technology is powered by it and it's all men. We have it, and women. But it's all humans of different sizes for all the different functions. And so you know you travel around in the pocket of a giant man, obviously that's your transport.

But then for communication you have little men who run very fast that you can whisper your messages into. Andy, I love this a tremendous amount. Man punk is peak punk if you ask me. It is. It might, that may even be the- That great mountain climbing sci-fi story I've got subcategory. Yes I think this may be the culmination and maybe this is the end maybe this is where the the punk series our long running series could also begin this could also be where it begins. What's next God God punk. Everything's power by God. It regenerates the global interest in punk, but you know, something punk.

You know what I mean? I think that would be a pretty interesting, we could write that up as a sci-fi try guys, but then, I mean, what a short film that would be as well. Absolutely. To see. It's yeah. It's like, it's like the Jetsons but like instead of having robots serve your every need it's humans. It's very good

Andy, I like it a lot. Do you think though that the the humans of the different sizes, do they all have their own, are they all equally intelligent and do they socialize with us or do they only socialize with other humans of their own size so the phone the little man who works as your telephone you pay him obviously but then he takes that money and he goes away and uses it to buy food for his tiny children and they live in a sort of a different sort of section of the ecosystem where we don't apart from the function that they serve us we don't interact with them in any way. Yeah I think so I think I think that this is

just our jobs now you know it's like people people thought that once the robots took over that there wouldn't be any jobs left, but actually they use us as like a, you know, not only just a functional thing, but you know, depending on our size, they're a status thing. You know, maybe it's like with phones or whatever, especially in those early days, when the smaller the phone,

the more prestigious it was. Remember, like in those kind of Nokia days? And so we could, yeah, the smaller humans are considered just really prestigious to have, and you can get them to do things. If you, a little man running to the other side of town, people are like, like they turn like it's a Lamborghini or something like that. Who's got that little... But he'd be a blur, I think, as he goes down the street.

That'd be one of the major selling points is the new faster little men that they're, they're breeding of what they've discovered. And he, you you know ones that have a better memory as well I suppose and obviously being able to fold them in half you know very flexible little men so you can have them as like a little flip man you fold him in half before you put him into your pocket. Into your pocket so his feet are sticking out next to his head. As you see his head stick out of the pocket. Yeah, exactly. I think also that just that inversion of, you know,

like the adds another something to this. The inversion of like the tall or the successful and the short are, you know, we, we feel like that they sometimes struggle, you know, like this is, this is how the perception is. I don't believe this. I, I, I, I, my, my heart goes out to our short brethren. Of course. Ancestrin. Yes, thank you. Cestrin. Andy, I think that that's one of the best things. The other thing that that is the peak of

is our little man motif. Because I think- I'm a little man. Little man has become a little bit of a Toon the Think Tank trend. And you would think that this deep into two and a think tank that it would be too late to have trends. No.

But. No, they're emerging over a long arc on geological time scales. You know some of the- You know how sometimes my child walks into the room and I go, oh, hang on, sorry. That's one of and I go, that's one of our new trends. That's one of our new trends. Exactly. Geological time, blah, blah, blah. And now my child has disappeared and I'm alone in the house and I don't know. And so I'm going to go

because he's not bothering me. And so I'll be back in a second. Oh, I had that. You know what? That said, that is a new trend as well to now interrupt the podcast because the podcast is not being interrupted. It's become the new normal. And now, well, everything's topsy turvy, obviously. Um, I wonder if things can be, uh, just topsy or just turvy or, uh, they look a double act where I want you to know that he was he was still watching the screen but he was right in front of it and he was touching the LCD screen and making it distort and so good. It's okay. He was just destroying the house, very few properties.

Was he, did he look like he was in some way drawing power from the electricity in the screen? His hair was up in the air. He was saying things like the square root of 3,456 is nine. It was wrong, but he was heading in the right direction. Still pretty good for a three-year-old. I can't stop talking in this accent today, because what I've realized is that I don't think I have my funny voice, like as in my regular, like, you know, when you feel like you're being funny, you kind of, you, I think we all have a slightly different voice that we

do and I don't know if I have one in my own accent. Yeah. Well, and while I'm hearing, sorry, go. Yeah. Yeah, well, I wonder Alastair, and I'm sorry to, not pathologise, you know, I would say pathologise you, but I wonder if you have never fully integrated your Australian personality with your Canada personality. I wonder if that's one of the reasons why you have held on to your accent to the extent that you have, is that because you have, you've never reconciled those two things.

Maybe you need to go to some kind of like, really aggressive kind of rebirthing ceremony in which you go on some sort of- Aussie rebirthing? Sorry? Like an Aussie rebirthing. Some sort of Aussie rebirthing. Yes, rebirthing down under. Yeah, because like, because one of the, one of the, one of the guy who runs rooms here, you know,

I said, I said to him very early on about the, I moved here from Australia, and then he heard me talk and he's like, and he's like, what the fuck are you talking about like that and then when I've told somebody that I come from Australia he goes don't let him pull that bullshit on you he's not an Australian comic just because I sound like this and I and I like it genuinely has made me like grab on to like my Australian identity where I'm like, fuck, I just can't get accepted for who I am no matter where I am. But that's it, Alistair.

I don't think you've accepted yourself. And I think it needs to be, it feels like this would make a great episode of Star Trek. You know, there'd be the two forms of you living within yourself and then there might be some kind of ceremony which allows the two of them to to take on separate forms, you know, the the Canada Lister and the Australia stare, you know, would be separate bodies. We see them distinct like that and then they would have to fight and maybe kiss a bit Through having sex with each other few I think that would be good like it's like they yeah

It's like a bubble of oil and a bubble of water and they need to be emulsified Or or just live as two separate people And just give up on trying to be together And that would be very interesting as well and now of the two separate people they can not cannot Canadian Yeah Alastair and the Australian Alastair. Who do you think that your beloved would choose to? spend You know, oh, yeah, that's hard. I mean, I guess

I mean, I guess Occasionally, you know if I'm being stupid she It I probably take it to a point where it annoys her I probably take it to a point where it annoys her. So, and so, and that's, I'm probably doing it more. And she does love Canada. And she does love, and one of the reasons she initially had any interest in me at all was because I was from Canada and she had just returned from Canada and had failed to

find a boyfriend or Canada had failed to have a Canadian of a high enough quality that, you know, that she would take. Those are both good ways to look at it. Well I think this is again a compelling short film and I think it would be interesting to see the battle between the Australian, I think the pure Australian in you, would be really like, well fuck you looking at cunt! And the Canadian obviously would be apologising. I'll cut ya, I'll cut ya! I'll box cut you mate.

Yeah, I'll fucking glass ya! Remember that? I'll box cut ya. mate yeah glass yeah remember that box catcher from like that video that Mike Nina was in from that on being on that bus some guy threatened to actually watched it really Oh box catcher do you think that there should be an Australian martial art that is fought with box

cutters yeah yeah I that there should be an Australian martial art that is fought with box cutters? Yeah, yeah I think there should be and I think they should be allowed an MMA. Now are they, are they like a specialised? Now the ref is stopping it, getting the doctor in to just check the cut, the first cut above the eye. The doc says it's okay to continue, or I. But do you think it would be a specialised martial arts box cutter or do you think it would just be one of those snap off plastic orange ones that you can get, you know, ten

of them in a pack from Officeworks? Oh yeah, they just crack a freshie like that, they just crack 10 of them in a pack from Officeworks. Oh, yeah. They just crack a freshie like that. They just crack a box, crack a container open fresh. They probably cut one open. Yeah. Ozzy Marshall art. Yeah, that's good.

That's good. Special box cutter based. It almost looked like I wrote paste, but luckily I fixed it. Yeah, well, but you know, there'd be a kind of dojo that you could go to. Yeah. Do you think a ceremony,

I mean, do you think the ceremony thing, you know, with having both identities either rejoined together, I guess it's very specific to me, so I wouldn't write it down as like a general sketch idea, but I guess we can write sketch ideas that are specific to us, right? Yeah, well, you know, can you imagine a show, a sketch show that you and I were doing on television, there could be a component of that where we are as ourselves, right? And then we could have this kind of a discussion and then I could force you to do some kind of ceremony. So I've got to maybe ayahuasca kind of thing

and have this shamanistic ritual. Oh but it's gonna be Aussie, it's gonna be called Eye of Waska. Eye of Oscar. And Oscar's one of the cameramen. Yeah, why a waz- waz- waz- Aussie-ka. Aussie, Oz-ka. Yes. Yeah, car, Oz-car sounds like a whole... Eye of Oz-car. And so you do it in the back of a Holden Commodore. Yeah, they don't make those anymore. No, but do you remember there was a point I think when we were working on the project and they said that those, you know, there was a particular model of, of Commodores that were like the most stolen, it was like a, you know, a news report, the most stolen vehicle in Australia. And I guess they were just old enough that they probably didn't really have computers

in them. And they- Yeah, the mobilizers and that kind of thing. Yeah, and they were, and they were, you know, people knew how knew how to you know you could probably still just coat hanger Use a coat hanger to um yeah Suppose suppose a bolt the lock Abort the locking mechanism Yes, and

And but anytime I would see somebody driving Yes. But anytime I would see somebody driving, I think if anybody who's from Australia pictures this particular type of Commodore, the only time I would see somebody driving one, they would look like a criminal, right? And I just reckon that would just steal it, and the criminals would just stealing it from each other. From each other, exactly. Nobody actually owns any of these cars.

They're sort of almost like a communal, almost like an Uber pool kind of thing. Where it is just full of socialism. Yeah, you just sometimes find one in a car. You know, like in the back of a taxi or something like that, but this one, you would just find it in the back of the very car that it is. I don't know what you're talking about what do you find in the back of the car? Like an umbrella sometimes you just find an

umbrella that's how like umbrellas are kind of communal you know you lose one you find one you know it's just umbrellas. But you were suggesting that you would find one of these cars in the back of a car is that what you would find it in the back of itself I apologize I should have been able to go with you there I should have been completely on board with that I should have been doing an Aussie accent the whole time and I feel like I didn't and that's what failed a bit Andy you're not you're not responsible for this file. Yeah Yeah, it was your hopper serious Canadian persona. Yeah, but I generally think I don't I'm lacking a voice like it like a

That when I talk with a Canadian accent and this might just be an anxiety that I have It's like that is because especially that comes from rewatching Stand Up, is that I think there's just a little something missing from my regular performing voice, my regular speaking voice, that I think needs a tiny bit more comedy. You'll find it. I want to ask you this you've been doing some sketch comedy over there in Montreal Canada yes doing some of the bits that we used to do as a double-edged yeah as the engineer characters have you been doing

your engineer character with an Australian accent oh yeah absolutely okay great yeah I know that seems weird but then but then here that almost comes with an Australian accent. Oh yeah, absolutely. Oh, okay, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's nice. I know that seems weird, but then here, that almost comes across as a skill. You know, I think in Australia, it's almost an annoyance. You know, that there he is.

Because I mean, there was a funny moment. There's an episode of the podcast that I did. Kyron's podcast, wait, Kyron podcast. Let's get Quizical, no, Quizical. Wax Quizical? Wax Quizical. I did an episode of Wax Quizical with Kyron Wheatley, and that's kind of a quiz show,

but there's one person getting quizzed and two people are playing characters and I decided to do the engineer character there and there was a funny moment where I Realized while I was doing it that I came on and then I was introduced as like as I was asking to be how to be introduced I said I was like, I guess I'm an engineer and I was like, I guess I'm an Australian Engineer and how funny it is to do an Australian character in Australia. And so he's like, this man is an Australian engineer. Oh, how novel. How exotic. That is interesting, isn't it?

One of the interesting qualities is that he is from Australia. interesting qualities is that he is from Australia. But that you, you know, a lot of people when they're doing their comedy over here in Australia will identify a point of difference about themselves. And they will heighten that in order to, you know, have a marketing point and have that unique voice and that thing and be like, Oh, he's the guy that you go to, to get this kind of comedy and you've come over here with your unique selling point. You come over here, you come over here with your unique selling point of being from Canada and having a different accent.

from Canada and having a different accent and then you have rejected that and opted to do try and be even more Australian sounding than the people yeah who are already here the people who belong here people whose country this is you come here and you do you take our job doing Australian accents. Sounding like a fuckhead. Yeah. I mean, I think that's a funny idea. Um, I mean, there's a sketch idea. Like, I mean, that does also feel like a minute sketch idea. The idea of somebody complaining

about somebody going there and doing an Aussie accent. And that's what we do as a, that's what we do. Yeah. It's too small, Andy? No, I think that could be something, absolutely. But I think also, I mean, what if it turned out as, maybe indeed it has done, that they do it better than we do? Like, you know, a lot of the time, you know, you get first, second generation immigrant people who are very motivated to work very hard.

And you know, and maybe it turns out that, you know, know these this person is able to do ochre Australian performing better than we can and it's undeniable and you know yes we resent them for it but the fact you can't argue with results that's right everybody wants to go see them more than they want to see the regular Aussie comedians. What you would call traditional Aussie ockers. Mm-hmm. The original ockers of this land. So sorry. Have I have I already pitched on this? The original Drongo's of this land. We pay our respects to Drongo's. Present and present.

Present. In this one, it's all the current drongos that you're paying in respects to. It is yes but have I already pitched on this podcast my idea for a parody of Chris Franklin's bloke? Oh that's a good idea. Hey woke? I am woke I am not da. No I'm so woke. You're so probo. Don't offend me or old dobo. That's all I've got so far.

I mean, it's already, I mean, I already, conceptually, you know I love a great conceptual bit. And so I like the idea already even before the execution because it's a parody of a parody. Great. You know, so for me, the joke has already been accomplished and doing it is merely just going through the motions. You know, this is what Alistair lists everything was all about. You know, it's just like, yeah, and then you just have to slog through actually doing it

just so that. Of course. Yeah, and then you just have to slog through actually doing it just so that... Of course. Just so that you can... Now do you think that in order for this idea to be truly great, we have to get Chris Franklin himself to do the song? To do the parody? Well, see, I don't think that a parody is done by the original song person. is done by the original song person. Well maybe in that way we're parodying the very idea of parody by having it done, you know, that's, you're right Alastair that parodies aren't done by the original song star,

but this is a parody of a parody, and this is a new form, parodies of parodies, and maybe parodies of parodies are done by the original parody person, the songster, but not the first songster. Or if we were to do the parody of the parody, could this parody be done by the woman who originally did the song Bitch? I don't know who that is. I mean, oh, that would be so good. She does a parody of Bloke yeah And I mean would she want to be associated with a song called woke though I Think everybody does I don't think anybody ever has a bad time associating themselves with The concept of woke this on either side of the debate the one thing that I will observe about internet discourse and the entire

cultural moment that we're having around cancel culture, trigger warnings, sensitivity outrage is that everybody's happy and everybody's having a good time. Yeah, there's not a single... Just thrilled to be here. A person having a bad time. We're all. Yeah, there's not a single. Just thrilled to be here. Person having a bad time. Nobody acting in bad faith. No. I wanna have a social network called Bad Faith.

And the premise is that you can only, we only allow you to make bad faith arguments. That's all I have so far. Okay. That's good. I feel like it's going to be good for the discourse. And I say that in bad faith. I think that's a great idea.

Okay. Bad faith podcast. That was called. Uh, I was going to be a social network. Bad Faith Social Network. But actually I much prefer it as a podcast. It's a good idea. I'm glad you weren't listening. I think it will be good. It will be good for society. I'll say that in bad fight.

Yeah. We, I mean, we, we on our bad faith podcast, we, we, uh, we get ads from just the most dog shit products and we shamelessly plug them. Yeah. Shame. Yeah. I love that. Like shamelessly, yeah, I love that. Like actually like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, like these, like all these new, like there's all these new products now, I mean, I'm saying new, they might be, I've been around for a long time,

but the one that is where people are just putting like bags of nicotine, pouches of nicotine on their gums, like those yes You know that kind of thing where it's like it's so popular that clearly Some marketing company has got behind this, you know, like some big tobacco or something like that company has gotten to this and You know if if freaking what's his name Carlton is Was is promoting this Carlton Tucker promoting this.

Tucker Carlson, sorry. Tucker Carlson, when you said Carlton, I thought maybe the guy from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. That would be the best, but he just doesn't have a big enough profile at the moment for that to be as effective as it could be. But I mean, him putting in one of those pouches onto his gums and then doing the Carlton, I mean mean that's

that's as effective a marketing strategy as anything could be almost like it's the reason he came up with it or something like that mmm it's finally yeah that was what it was all for I'm on the walk home last night. Has Tucker Carlson actually promoted these nicotine patches? I think so yeah.. Fuckin' hell. I think, you know, there's like, yeah. I think he might have even been like, complained that, you know, woke people are trying to take them away or something. I was walking home.

Our pure nicotine patches that we put on our gums, that sacred tradition. That started three months ago hmm well as walking home last night this is more of a conceptual idea because you know how I've I maybe have considered in one of my 1000 podcasts that I'm thinking about starting I've considered one which is true attempted crimes right which is all just it's like a true crime podcast but it's about failed crimes you know failed assassinations failed robberies things like that but while I was walking home

last night and this is more conceptual than I think the the execution being good but would be called true dog crimes right and? And I guess the one of the, one of the parts that I think is interesting, it's funny to me, right? If it was crimes committed on dogs, right? That's less funny, right? And it's way more horrible, especially if you were talking about like dog murders where dogs were murdered, right? Yeah. But it's amazing that like imagine the guy who's presenting this but saying now this is horrible but obviously it's not as horrible as a human getting killed but actually it probably is. It's like people should be listening to it as if it's less horrible than humans getting killed.

I was just trying to come up with something so that you know it's a bit less horrible than humans listening to humans getting killed. And so here's my podcast about people killing dogs. But, so this whole time I've been listening, I've been imagining that these are still attempted crimes. So these are attempted dog crimes. No, no, these, this is, these are crimes where people have been, have actually killed dogs.

These are successful successful dogs, like a true crime podcast. It's about times where people have successfully killed dogs. I mean, it does, it does feel more horrible than about people being murdered. I mean there's something so darkly funny about this to me. I just don't know if I could commit my life to this bit. Well then I think it's just you know what you need to do you need to just turn it into a sketch idea Alistair. Write it down that big old pad of yours. You know you lick the tip of that pencil Okay, can I lick the tip of the pen? Oh it's a felt tip pen too Mmm, lucky boy. I'm gonna run it from the back of my tongue all the way to the tip Listen to this. It's the only way I know how to lick

Listen to this. It's the only way I know how to lick. Um, and yeah I think that could be a sketch idea for sure Alastair. True dog crimes. The dogs are really dead. The dogs are dead. The crimes are real. The stories are real. The crimes are real. The stories are real. The crimes are real and the dogs are dead.

Yes, but I think what's and What and if you are here a lot of people make this a mistake if you are here because You thought that this was gonna be a fun podcast about dogs committing crimes Because you're a dog lover and you thought this was a... That's cute. That's a common mistake and you want to go to true crimes by dogs.

That's another podcast that I run and I wanted to capture that market after realizing it's actually a much bigger podcast. Yes,'s doing one much better with I can't stress this enough dogs are the victims of the crimes and crimes are murder it's mostly murder I'll have one episode and that's episode 53 which is about theft some but someone stole something from a dog the dog did later die but but the dog did die of sadness mm-hmm about that car so yeah and we do have a recording of the whimpering that led to the death which is very was a good get. Do you think that when you kill a dog they give you your prison sentence in dog years?

Does the, you know seven, seven dog years you know or you know a sentence to life behind bars but it's dog, it's dog life. Yeah, I think that's good. So let's say, oh, yeah, I mean that is almost what a human sent, that life sentence is, isn't it? Yeah, that's true, that's weird, isn't it? Yeah. They haven't updated that since like the,

since we were cave people or something like that. They estimate the life to be. They left that loophole there. They've really left that in there. So anybody who's in prison eating a Mediterranean diet could still get probably a good 70 years out of jail. Oh, sure. You know, really, a really good 70 years.

I guess that's why the food, the prison food is not very good. I don't know. I don't know that they. You know. Give you access to that kind of what is it? What do you need like oily fish and sort of a lot of tomatoes yes yeah fish tomatoes a little bit of wine olive oil you know some yeah dried sun dried tomatoes bit of sunshine is it maybe there's an olive sentencing that they give you which is in Mediterranean years you know given our Mediterranean life sentence.

They should compare the prison diet, because I mean, we don't know whether or not the prison diet already does lead to a long life, but we should measure people's lives, the length of them, but you have to compare, because a lot of people get killed in prison. And so that makes it seem like it brings the average down. But hidden within there, if you were to give people on regular earth, regular outside earth, outside of prison earth, um, a similar diet and then put, you know, or, or various diets and put them in the same kind of violent, you know, uh, you know, sort of like high

shivving activity kind of to actually test, you know, how long they live, whether or not the prison diet is good, you know, if you were, you know, making say prison ice cream by taking sort of like, you know, a packet Kool-Aid and some ice and some, you know, creamer packets or whatever like that. And you mix them together in two separate bags. In a bathtub.

In a, yeah, and then you make it and it's bussin like that, you know, um, would, does that somehow maybe lengthen the length of your life? I don't know if anybody's looking into this. It feels like pres, preservers in, in food preservers, you know, uh, those preserver chemicals should make you live longer. That just makes sense to me. It just, I mean, it genuinely does to me. It just, it somehow stops bad bacteria from getting into you.

And I also think that sealing you up in an airtight plastic container should make you live longer. Yeah. That just makes sense to me. You know, storing you in sub-zero temperatures, that should make you live longer. That's... Like putting you in a can at an extremely high temperature

and then sealing the lid of the can, that should make you live longer. Yeah, that should be a way of travelling into the future. Yeah, you should be able to be pasteurized. I mean, I think that's a fun idea about the inventor who did. A guy falls into the canning machine at a Campbell's soup factory right? Yes. And falls into a big can. But he was making... they were making a big can for a Andy Warhol exhibit. Yes and then he is preserved, somebody opens the can in 500, 600 years, he's still good. Yeah, he's still good like 750 years later or something like that.

I don't know when Andy Warhol died, maybe 150 years ago, was he around during slavery or something? Is it, you think it's Andy Warhol that fell in? Is it Andy Warhol? No no no no. I'm just trying to figure out like you know if we were using that. Oh I see. Yes you're trying to maintain the internal logic. Why would they have been built making this big Andy Warhol sized can for an Andy Warhol exhibition if it was in the present day when Andy Warhol is dead. I guess we could just have him be a young man and he's still a young man when he comes

out 75 years later. It makes sense to me. I love a little bit of sense. Andy, would it be okay if I was to take you through three words from a listener? I think that would be good for everybody else, yeah. Andy, we have listeners and I'm as shocked as you are and some of them are on, are supporters on Patreon, which shocks me even higher, but I, my face, if you could have seen how shocked my face was at first, I just don't have the muscle strength to stretch my face any further and make it look more surprised than it already

is. Ever since we started our Patreon many years ago, Alistair and I have been in a permanent state of heightened shock. Yes, that's right. Support us there on. If anything, we've actually stretched the muscles on our face so much from shock that we can no longer show any more emotions because our muscles just hang loose on our face like overstretched rubber bands. Like the waist band on a father's underpants. Yes, the underpants that are around his ankles Correct

All right, Andy well today's listener And I'm sure that if I asked you if you could guess which listener you would guess that it's Ellie Durkin Ellie Durkin my goodness pickle Durkin on Instagram Thank you pickle Durkin on Instagram. Thank you Pickle Durkin. Thank you Pickle Durkin. Artist, illustrator and friend of the show. And Bon Vivant. Did some of the art, did the art for some of our marathon podcasts.

Yeah the last two, the episode 300 and episode 400, the art that is behind us and that does the cover art and everything like that of the thing has been done by Ellie Durkin, a wonderful illustrator, and sender of words. Andy, today Ellie has chosen to send in three words from a listener. And that listener is every Durkin. And so Andy, would you like to try to guess them?

Now I'd never normally would do this, but I wanna give you a category of the words because I'm not gonna lie, they're gonna be a tiny bit more difficult to guess. Then normally when you just have to guess the words out of all of the possible known words. Today I'm gonna let you know that they are proper names. They're proper nouns, names and nouns.

Proper nouns, proper nouns. A proper noun is a name, right? A name is a proper noun. I suppose so yeah Okay, here we go. So but first word. Yep Albuquerque Andy you started so well The first name is Alucious. All right.

I believe also maybe pronounced Aloysius. Aloysius. Aloysius. There's no I after the first U-A. It's A-L-U-C-I-U-S. Oh, okay. Aloysius. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Uh, uh, uh, tremolina? And again, you started very well. Okay. Trambodice. Alucious. TrBodis. Delicious. Trem-Bodis. Okay. Well, it's going to be presumably something about your last name. Just for guessing, the theme on one data point was very well done. Thank you, Alistair.

Um, Birch-inus. Birchinus. Close Andy. It was Birchalaga bala bala. Sorry. Birch. Birchala. Birchala Gabalus. I can't quite say it. I mean it does sound like a scientific name, right? It sounds like if you were a mammal. I mean I know you are a mammal, but if you were like a small mammal found in a burrow or something like that.

The reason why these names come about, and Ellie says, and I quote, whilst working on an exhibit about ancient Roman coins, I discovered a few rulers with very familiar sounding names. And so that is, yeah. You know, and it makes you realize the power of the name Alastair Trombley-Burche. A lot of people feel it, but they think it's I'm born

with some kind of, you know, silver spoon in my mouth. No, I am as poor as you. Maybe even more so. Maybe more so. I am currently without income almost. But what people are feeling is the heft of history on my shoulders as I carry these former rulers, you know, Anglicized names.

Yes, of course. No, so those are three names are actually come from Roman history Trombotus they are just ones that seem to I mean at least that's the story that's been woven by the master dream weaver yourselves Bertrall Aga ballas Bertrall Aga baddus ballas Bertrall Aga baddus Burtchelagabalus. Burtchelagabalus. Burtchelagabalus. Burtchelagabalus. Burtchelagabalus. Burtchelagabalus. Burtchelagabalus. Burtchelagabalus. Burtchelagabalus. Burtchelagabalus. Burtchelagabalus. Burtchelagabalus. I can't. Andy, I'm going to write this down just so that you can just have a go. B-I-R-C-H-A-L. Mm-hmm.

A-G-A. I'm not writing it down, by the way. A-G-A-B-A-L-U-S. AGA, BAL, US. Bertula Gabalus, yeah, it's definitely Bertula Gabalus. I mean, that's fantastic, that's fun to say. Bertula Gabalus. I mean. Terrific. Yeah, it's so close to Snuffleophagus.

Do you think he was Roman? Snuffleophagus. I guess so. Yeah. I mean, he was at least, you know, yeah, he was at least Italian. Or Greek. Yeah. I mean, I mean, that's why he's covered in hair. That's why he's covered in hair. He might be an insensitive portrayal of a I didn't think that was nice. Snuffle off. I don't think that was a nice portrayal of greek people I mean I get the hair but the snout I don't think that they have a they have a trunk like that

I thought that was unfair. You know, and maybe, you know, I get the walking around on all fours. Just beggin'. I try, I don't know anything more about, um, about stuff. I love it. You don't want to jump in on this very fun xenophobic riff. I mean, it sounds like you're having such a good time. I don't want to, I want to be there with you because it's always good when you find like the window, just a little window of opportunity when for

whatever reason, you know, you've been given social license to say something a bit racist. And here, the thing that has given us that social license is the delightful observation that the name Stuffleup again, sounds a bit Greek. And I don't think anybody would begrudge us taking that opportunity to say a few things that are just a little bit wrong, a little bit on the wrong side of history. Because I mean, to squander something like that, an offering, no?

It would be arguably a greater crime. I think when you come to account for yourself at the, at the gates of heaven, to St. Peter or God himself, if he's working the door and he says, I gave you this opportunity. What did you do with it? And you've got a lot God in the eye and say, I did God, I did nothing. I don't think that I know it's like God says you know it is not even a crime so bad that I can't forgive you that's not what you should be worrying about it's the fact that you won't be able to forgive yourself frankly we don't need that energy in heaven mm-hmm that's right I've actually

created you but if you're gonna I don't even want to put the people in hell through that energy And so I've created a new place For you only and it's just a white room and you can go in there and sit with your thoughts for eternity Mm-hmm thinking about what you've done. It's a white room with a blue roof Think of all the racists the genuine racists I could have given that opportunity to and think how they would have leapt on that and how much they would have relished that Opportunity and what that would have meant to them

Right, but I didn't give it to them. I gave it to you and you did nothing with it and that's disgusting You know, it's like leaving a food on your plate when you know there are children starving in Africa which I could stop by the way I am God but I don't for some reason. I don't but I don't stop it because of crimes that are much worse like what you did by not making the most of this setup this for this racist joke that I gifted upon you. He wanted to hear it. God wanted to hear it. Andy, I just want to know, and I apologize for doing this.

When I made my white room joke about the blue roof, did you know what that was a reference to? I didn't hear blue roof, sorry. The white room. Wasn't listening to that bit. With a blue roof. Does that mean anything to you? Blue roof.

If I was to say. Is that a Greek, is that like a Greek thing? It's just a very classic Greek island. I think it might be Crete. And I want you to know I did not go into it knowing that I was about to do that. I was just trying to pick a white room. I mean, you know, I mean it doesn't quite work because the white room makes you think of the white is on the inside whereas these buildings are obviously white on the outside.

Sure. But no, that's nice Alistair. Are you picturing stucco? Is it stucco? I it could be either stucco or Or um, oh I won't or fresco You know, I think it could be a fresco style is it fresco is that a specific type of painting I think Fresco is a type of painting but I don't think a fresco is like a detailed picture kind of painting. Yeah but it's a house painted fresco. It's just a full white, it's a modern art piece. Modern art piece fresco.

What we did was we actually painted a picture of a house over the top of your house. It is actually a photorealistic painting of a house. Of a different house. Completely different house. Your house doesn't look like this. That would be quite good, I think, to paint a house to look like a different house. Would you paint over the windows and paint windows somewhere else? Yeah. Yeah, you'd use that thing that they use like on trams or buses for like advertising

where they can put in it, you know, an advertising all over the windows but you can still see through it. Through the little holes. Through the little holes. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a good little bit of hard work. Painting, or I'm gonna write that down. Different house. Yeah, I think that's a good little bit of hard work.

A different house. House over a house. This is not what my house looks like. It's almost what you do when you apply a very heavy kind of makeup and you are putting a different face on your face. You know, you can do quite a lot these days, with, you know, I imagine with contouring and that kind of thing. With modern make-up technology.

Yes, MMT. I mean, you could paint your house to look like the Simpsons house. That'd be nice. Do you think that this is, I mean, I feel like we accidentally wrote a sketch that was Really addressed the three words that Ellie gave us It was inspired by Alistair and that's all that we promise. That's right. It's all that we could ever promise to anybody

But it is still a promise and we never will break. What's the alternative that we boredly state back the three words to you? I mean we have almost done that on a hundred occasions three words to you. I mean we have almost done that on a hundred occasions. We just take the three words and we somebody's essentially given us a sketch idea. Yeah. And we go, you know, they go like oh guys called Michael fuck and then you go yeah well what about like guys you, called Michael and they're like having sex heaps. Yeah. Well, but we just when we say it, it's a sketch idea. That's right. And they say it's just a suggestion. Repeat it back to the context as a sketch.

That's right. It's just a frame of reference, Andy. Oh, comedic frame of reference. I've just realized what I realized the other day, what memes like a lot of like, what a lot of meme stuff is these days, is that it were like, especially like when you turn just an image into something, it's like that it's punch lines and then you just find, can you hear my child yelling? My name? Okay, great. It's just, it's a punch line and then people find a setup for it and I've really enjoyed that.

Anyway. That's good observation. Yeah. I am going to read through the sketch ideas and my child may come in in a second. All right, here we go. We got, Burter who's in it because you can describe their breasts We got big phone that carries us in our pockets and rubs us rubs its finger up and down us Hashtag not hashtag little star says man punk. This is the man punk idea

It's it's you know, it's phones it's robots whatever it is It could just, they could all just be very smart phones. But they're all men. All little guys of different sizes. Yes, that's right. Even big little guys. Even big little guys. Some of these little guys are enormous. Do you think if they would make them all men, but we make the phones slash robots women,

do you think that that balances it out? Or do you think that when you say men you mean... In my man punk world, I don't think there are phones anymore. I think they're just people. And robots? No, there's no robots. There's people using people for all different things. Oh, I thought it was robots that used people for things. No, I wondered if you thought that but that's not what I meant. I changed my idea and I didn't tell you but in my mind it was different.

Oh that feels different to me but I... Yeah it is. Yeah not sure. I, maybe what did you feel the other ones too on the nose? Too much of a straight flip? A straight inverse? No, I just thought of a different idea. Yeah, it's more of like a Borat kind of table sitting on men kind of thing. Do they also do furniture or only the jobs of machines? Yeah, I think it's the jobs of machines, yes. Remember, have you ever seen one of those things where people consider an incline a machine? Yeah, I have. And I've had to teach that in school. These are the simple machines. So, incline plane, that's one of the five basic machines. What are the others? You got the lever, you got maybe the spring, yeah, all those kinds of things.

What about a rope? A wedge? Screw? I think the screw might be one. Wheel and axle? Yeah, the wheel. Pulley? Inclined plane, screw, wedge and lever yeah, I

Alright I Started thinking about Archimedes. I just started thinking about Archimedes screw again, and that fucks me up I can't I can't understand how it works. It doesn't make sense In my mind, it's like it's the closest thing to like reality bending Hmm, and it doesn't make any how is the water going up? Yeah, it's not being lifted. So there's no going up Yeah, there's no There's like but I also even just watching a screw turn I Go wait, what's happening? It's not

Nothing's actually going up wait what's happening it's not nothing's actually going up but it just keeps going i don't understand it it's like a it's almost like a thing that has infinite sides but it doesn't it has just like not sides but like oh forget it i can't it just hurts my brain. All right, we got special box cutter based Aussie martial art. We've got joining the two Alisters through a ceremony Aussie and Canadian. I think we could do another Engineers show we should include a bit about the Archimedes screw and how it doesn't work. It doesn't make sense. and how it doesn't work. It doesn't make sense. Yeah, but even though it doesn't work it still functions. And so... That's an interesting lesson.

It's an interesting lesson that things that don't work can still function. That is not a barrier. Now that I hear you say it like that, I can't believe we haven't already put that in the show. Because I mean, that's it. That's why it's so fun to write for those things, because you just say the dumbest stuff. But I mean, that's the kind of thing where I'm like,

oh, I need to find a way of getting that kind of logic into my own standup, because I feel like my standup is stuck in a place of almost making too much sense. I pity you. One of the most horrible crimes that I could ever say about comedy. We've got the foreigners coming over and taking Australia's job to speak in an Aussie accent and they're doing better at it.

And I mean, imagine that like just especially then they do that and then they get like Hollywood success. Yes. Using that. You know, and then they're, and then they're just doing so much and they're playing Aussies in movies. You know? Yeah.

Yeah. And you know, a lot of the time you see someone try and do an Aussie accent in a, in a film it sounds a lot worse than what we sound like. A lot worse. But then when you see these people, it sounds better. It sounds more Australian than we do. But you know what I think that they could fix is that when somebody uses a natural Aussie

accent in an American film, it clashes. It's like it doesn't quite fit. And I feel like that's always been the reason why I felt uncomfortable being in Australian productions with my natural accent because I think that it's the same in verse when everybody's all Aussie and then there's a North American accent, it doesn't sound right.

Or maybe it's just by having you in there, suddenly all the Australians don't sound real anymore. They don't belong. They all sound fucked. You can't put him in a film or underline the fact that... Yeah, imagine though if foreigners could come to Australia, do an Aussie accent that's so good that in an American film it doesn't sound out of place. Like it actually sounds like it fits.

They remove that awkward sound. I'm excited. I hope that happens. Yeah, no, I'd love that. I think that would, it might actually cause a shift in the full Aussie accent. Like as a blob, like a cultural blob, it would, I think make people speak better cultural blob

um, then we got the the Bad faith social podcast Uh, we think that it will be good for society and we say that in bad faith We have the true dog crimes podcast that is true crimes committed on dogs. The dead dogs are real. Yes. And yeah, but that's not the true crime, true crimes by dogs if you've come here because of that. We find a canned man and find out that he's still alive after 75 years of being in there.

And it's a, we find out it's a great way of actually extending your life. You do have to live in a can. But you will live way longer. And we have Snuffleufagus and we argue that he was a Greek stereotype and we think that that's unfair. Yeah, great. And then we have painting a different house over a house. We argue that that's unfair, but in so doing yeah we say a lot of very offensive things about greeks. Yeah I don't think I mean I don't think that was a fair

representation of a Greek person I mean I get the hair and I get the walking on all fours but that trunk no way. Good luck Alastair I want you to do that on stage, see how it goes. Report back. You could do it, you could do it. Yeah, I mean, somebody who's attempt, attempt to cancel, they're trying to cancel Sesame Street. semi-straight. All right. All right. Thank you so much, Alistair, for your time and your patience. Andy, thank you for your time. Today, today me and Andy had a little chat before the podcast because we realized we're,

we're just, if we feel like an old couple sometimes, that doesn't speak anymore, but they still have sex with each other. And we just are using each other for our bodies to do this podcast. And we don't get a chance to bond anymore. But luckily today we have rekindled our relationship and I think you could tell

that the lovemaking was better for it. The sparks. The sparks were there. We tried new things today. Like, I tried... New positions. I tried things... We adopted a racist one. Yes, and I tried to spice things up by giving Andy a category of words that he could guess from.

And we also tried doggy. That dog idea. Yes, the dog idea, we tried doggy. Right, let's do the song. Be-oo-t-ee-bee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee- I feel like I was quite tired today. Andy I thought that you were absolutely sparking And I could hear it sometimes when I was barely listening while I was writing things down that you were going off Said I can't believe Andy's still talking and doing well sound it sounds like he's getting a good response. The room's hot. The room is hot. It's a white room with a blue roof. But look, you know, Alastair, award-winning sketch comedian, best

newcomer. At Montreal Sketch Fest. Montreal Sketch Fest Montreal Sketch Fest can you believe it using Andy and Oz words on the world stage you know back then I was just a local comedian but now here I am in a slightly smaller scene on the world stage I'm excited to see what happens next for you Alastair. We'll see Andy, we will see. But I'm very I'm very happy and I want to say that Andy is completely and partially responsible for that happening. You're very kind. And we love you. And that's true. Bye. And each other bye. See ya.