Two In The Think Tank - 430 - "STAND UP AGREEBEDY"

Episode Date: June 25, 2024

Camera Fart Study, The Light Actually Does Shine Out of His Ass, Comeback for Every Insult, Agreebedy, Horse is a Drum, Sexualising the Male Breast, Baby Head, Cabbage Man, Putdown Artist.There's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.Check out Stupid Old Studios' COMEDY LAB here and support the artist fund if you can.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

From Yorgos Lanthimos, the Academy Award nominated director of Poor Things and The Favorite, comes Kinds of Kindness, a darkly hilarious and unpredictable film that critics are calling mind-bendingly brilliant. Featuring an all-star cast led by Emma Stone, Jesse Plemons, and Willem Dafoe, Kinds of Kindness is a wild ride that will leave audiences discussing the experience long after it's over. Don't miss Kinds of Kindness in Select Theatre's Friday. Hello and welcome to Toon the Think Tank, the show where we come up with fun sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Trombley, virtual. Just to prove to you that we have exactly the same stupid conversations off the podcast

as we do on the podcast. Just prior to hitting record on this, we were discussing how the aperture of a camera is really a light sphincter. That's right. It's the sphincter of the camera. A light sphincter. And not just that, just momentarily before we started the podcast, because Andy Gainsy

is talking like 10 minutes ago. Andy had opened a beer and in my ears it sounded like it hadn't opened properly and then it was revealed two minutes later when Andy tried to take a sip that it hadn't opened properly and that I didn't want to insult Andy's eyes with my ears so I hadn't said anything and Andy said, oh well you should have said something. Oh, man. And then it made me think, I mean, is, do you think that there is a hierarchy to the senses? Oh, wow. Yes. It feels like the eyes are the, are the king. They take up the most processing power of the brain, you know. But isn't it interesting, I also think you probably use one of your senses to train the other senses in a way.

So really one sense is the sensei of the senses. But if you train the sensei of the senses, trains the other senses well enough, then maybe it is time for the sense the sense B to become the sense A by defeating the sense in a sense of what what was I want to know Alastair give me you give me an honest opinion what was it like to listen to that sentence It was so good. Andy, like many of your sentences, I listened for the first two thirds. That's all you need. And then I started to think about my own things. I started to make my own little sentences in my head.

Oh, do you do that too? Do you have thoughts? Do you have any in life? I was never sure. Do you think that there's a hierarchy to the Andes and the Elves? Let's not talk about that. Let's go back to this census thing. I think there obviously is, and I think humans are primarily a visual beast, Right? Assuming you've got your full suite of senses, probably we are primarily visual. But then maybe as a baby, maybe not. Yeah, apparently it's very blurry, very dark and blurry. Yeah, yeah and know, you react to sounds and smells probably, you know, when you're nuzzling around for a teat upon which to suckle. Yes, and so then you think that maybe you're mostly mouth sense. Do you think the taste is full blown?

Do you think they get full blown taste? Eyesight is blurry blurry but they just go yeah I just shit my pants yeah that one is that mark barrett co-op coffee or whatever it's a baby because that's what they do do as well. Do do. They do do. Oh god. Do you want to start the podcast again? I have thought about that already as well. Do you think that we should?

No definitely not. There's so much richness to everything we've already talked about. So much richness. And listeners love this. They love this sort of salad of ideas. It has no structure. Searching for salad. I want to talk more. Let's go back. Let's go back to this, to the talking about the sphincter of the camera. Okay. And there's a few things I'd like to talk about off the off of the back of that. Right. Number one, I wonder if the pupil in the eye is technically medically speaking a sphincter.

It seems to open and close using muscles in the same way as the, you know, as any other sphincter in the body. I suspect that it may be, it may be a glassy sphincter. And if that is not the case, if that is the case, then really, is it the anus of the head? Is the eyeball the anus of the head? But Andy, the lips. The pupil. No, but the lips are, no, the lips are the mouth of the head.

And they're not a sphincter. I don't think the lips are a sphincter. No. Because they're prehensile in that way. And I think they are much more flexible. I don't think they move in the same way are a sphincter because they're prehensile in that way and I think they are much more flexible. I don't think they move in the same way as a sphincter but I think a pupil. I just realized I don't know what prehensile means. Oh, prehensile, like the tail of a monkey where they are able to see that the tail of a kangaroo is not... The capable of grasping.

The capable of grasping, yes. The grasping lips. But then what does hensile mean? That grasping is pre-it. Maybe, maybe um. Hensile comes from the roots to grasp and before. Ah pre-before. Before grasping. Yeah. Well, I guess you need to grasp before you can actually grasp something. That's true Andy. That's true. And therefore, and the eyes. Okay.

If you don't want to talk about this eyes being this figure of the head. No, no, but do you think that when the- Because I want to talk about something else. But do you think that when the camera's shutter opens up, a little bit of gas comes out? A little camera fart? Do you think that like... because the inside of the camera probably does smell a little bit like electronics. And when the shutter opens, right, that it probably does let out a little bit of camera smell.

And I reckon probably that when the light, because we know it's a chemical reaction that causes the film to change, right? And whenever there's a chemical reaction, there's probably some sort of little gas being released as well. So I wouldn't be at all surprised if there wasn't some gas that is given off by the because they can't you know the shutter opens and closes real quick the chemical reaction takes place there on the negative on the film and and then I think probably there are gases released and probably negative often some people feel negative about a fart all the pieces are falling into place yes so I think if we would do a study on this we might well be able to um Andy I think I

just think it's gonna feel so good to write down the first sketch idea is gonna be camera fart and camera fart Fart Study. And I'll probably, maybe that'll be the name of the episode. Oh good and we feel proud of it. We are confident that after our irregular release schedule recently that has probably alienated a lot of our already quite alien listeners that they will feel won over by that title and they'll be drawn back into The Fold and by The Fold I mean the cleft between the under man boob that we both have. That we've both developed over the last four or five years. Mmm, the fold. Welcome to the fold. Right, Alistair. Now the other thing I wanted to talk about off the back of that

really great bit about camera, camera arseholes, the the expression he thinks the lot that light shines out of his ass well that's treated as a negative obviously you say that about people has anybody experimented with putting a light in their ass so that light does shine out of your ass and you can sort of diffuse that kind of an insult or get out ahead of it slightly and then when somebody says he thinks the light shines out of his ass you can take down your trousers, pull apart your butt cheeks, stretch your anus open a little bit, reveal the light that you've put in there and then utter your light sphincter and then utter the

response, oh I think the light shines out of my. Your light sphincter and then utter the response, Oh, I think the light shines out of my ass. What? You mean I have an accurate grasp on the nature of reality? What's that? Oh, you're suggesting that I say and believe things that are true? Well, thank you. Thank you. I mean, Andy, I like this as a sketch, but I think what it needs, what needs to happen in order for it, for me to really like it is that no one has said this to this man before. And he is, he is only doing this completely preemptively.

Like putting on a condom before a date starts. He has put a light in his sphincter and gone out into the world in the hopes that someone will say this to him and I assume that he wants to just act in such a way that maybe people will say it to him so he is acting like he's very good or or is it funnier if he's just a very cautious man he's very maybe slightly anxious worried about the possibility that someone will say that to him and he won't have it, he won't know how to respond. He's become a bit fixated on it and then he thinks he's hit upon the solution. And he's been

doing this for months if not years and every day at the end of the day he comes home but has to take this thing out of his butthole. Sadly place it on the little shelf next to his bed and say another day oh well. Just pushing it in taking, um, I wonder if he's got a little string. You know, sometimes like a torch might have like a little keyring type thing with a little kind of strap to it. Maybe he keeps the strap out. Of course, but normally it comes off the back, so that could... The back.

Oh, and then he's like, oh no, oh no the uh the torch is breach. Of course he wants it to be breached. He wants to get it out he has to he has to pull the string and the whole torch has to do a sort of pivot. A 180 pivot. I should have got one without corners. It's a torch with corners is it it I mean it could be there's something that have sharper edges than other I mean by obviously Alistair by by definition that has to be the case yes absolutely right there must be some that have sharper edges than others even if if it's only marginally, I can't disagree with that. Um. You've got me over a barrel.

Oh, absolutely. Over a barrel, Andy. Mm-hmm. That's right where you want me. It's funny because I just edited a clip from Two and the Think Tank. And I want you to know I edited it poorly. Um.

The way you say that exactly. And then you link it in to the sketch that we're talking about and it works. God, I'm a master of the form. I think that- I want you to know that when I said it just then, I was thinking, I wonder if there's a way that I can link this into the sketch.

Doesn't surprise me. It will be perfect way to show someone the light coming out of your ass He rolls a big barrel in front of him everywhere he goes Just so that I know well, I think I've been waiting for an opening to say that he, that there's a chance that that's not the only potential insult that he has prepared for. Yes.

And so he, yeah. But. I mean, maybe we should put this into a book of you know sort of a self-help book or something for be prepared always yeah win every conversation that's great. Oh that people would love that these days. Absolutely. You know your your hyper alpha male sort of conversation culture online. They'd love a book about how to dominate situations and win every conversation. I think also I mean you

could, I mean look you know I love to just create an Instagram account that's themed now you know that's me that's my new thing. I'm done with starting new podcasts now I'll create a themed Instagram account And it's a guy who gives you a comeback for every insult Mmm. Oh, that is a really good idea. Let's say Okay now you're at home and somebody walking pot by your house Okay, now you're at home and somebody walking by your house looks inside the window and yells out, you've got very normal length hair. What do you say?

Well, there's several angles that you could tackle this from. Yeah, well he'd have to have a... What even is normal? The way that you think... No, but he'd have a technique, a way in which he breaks down every insult and analyzes its meaning and its structural weaknesses and ways in which it can be tackled, almost like a sort of a martial art, you know, its meaning and its structural weaknesses and ways in which it can be tackled, almost like a sort of a martial art, you know, that you've got to have.

Exactly, yeah, he categorizes them sometimes maybe. You know, he goes, well, this is a, and he gives, he has names for types of insult. But I also like, in the way that I would do things things is that I would have it that he doesn't have any efficiency whatsoever to what he does. And every insult is he has to come at anew and think really hard and the insult and the insults don't have aren't aren't very common at all and he doesn't even start with the most common insults I mean that was the first thing I thought when you gave that example I was like this is so typically Alistair It's like an Alice in the the pointlessness because that's how what the point is I think to me is that it's so pointless that you enjoy the pointlessness of it but that it makes

it really difficult to then go and watch the things because it's so it seems so irrelevant to your life well I mean this is this this is this is it isn't it this is exactly what it is you You are making it harder for yourself to succeed. You are making art harder. People say, you know, people love art that is relevant to their lives. People think, love things that they can relate to, right? And that feels like, in a way, therefore, making things that people can relate to or that is relevant. Feels like it's cheating a little bit. If people already love it just because they can relate to or that is relevant. It feels like it's cheating a little bit.

If people already love it just because they can relate to it or it's relevant. That's right. I mean, it sounds like you're just taking the easy route. Why not? Exactly. I'm like, no one can relate to and that isn't relevant. And if then, if they still love it, that's art. Andy, there's genuinely something that's very close to how I feel there, because I genuinely

feel that there's nothing worse than saying something to people that they agree with. I think that's almost exactly what I meant to say. It's like, like to say something that people agree with and they go, yes! And you go, oh I just did one of the worst things you could do! And how is your comedy, your career going Alastair? How is your, your mainstream success. Unrelatable. Yeah I know it's but I mean just that thing where it's like you know Dave Chappelle would say something that is like a little moment of wisdom you know in between the thigh slapping you know microphone thigh slappers where he says something that's like wise and the crowd goes that's right and I go you've betrayed you've betrayed the concept of comedy

yeah yeah have you ever had a moment of weakness and expressed a genuinely held feeling? Yeah, yeah, and then I feel awful, but you know what? Cause you know what, it's cause I actually believe deep down that that's the reason people are actually there, right? That people, like, it's like when somebody does something that's a really political comedy, I actually think that those people don't go and see it for the jokes.

Like those audiences who love to go see a political comedian, I don't think that they actually go for the jokes. I think that they actually go for the agreeance. They go, because they, and I think it goes down, for me it goes down to people feel like they're doing something when they agree with, like you know, it's like, if you like something

that is a free Palestine kind of thing, people think that they're genuinely doing something to help and I think that they also think that they're doing something something to help. And I think that they also think that they're doing something to help when they go see a comedian who's doing a joke that is pro-Palestine. And while I do agree that speaking up does do something by showing governments, you know, blah, blah, blah,

that many other people support it. Anyway, this is gonna become so unfunny. No, but Alastair, but then going to see a comedian and paying to see a comedian, the comedian getting money, right, and making their living, saying things that people agree with, and that makes the people feel like they've contributed something worthwhile when in fact they haven't,

is actually, yes. So, but I think that it's actually the opposite of supporting comedy. Measurably making the world worse. Yeah. Yes. And so, I think that it's actually the opposite of measure of comedy yeah yes and so yeah I think it's yeah and it feels just disingenuous to make comedy just you think we could make a entirely new form if right to protect comedy could we make a new form of art right which is just instead of being called comedy it's called like, um, agribity, right? And it's a different type of night where you will go along and the person on stage, they're not trying to say be funny. They're just trying to say things that people

agree with. And you say, Oh, I went and saw the best agribitant last night. He said everything. He said so many things I agree with. I mean, I want you to know that I agree with this word so much because the part that I agree with the most is the B. Yeah, thanks. I thought you'd like that. But he, this comedian... What's good about the B is the fact that there's no B in agree and there's also no B in comedian. Yeah. So where's the B come from?

That's the bit I love. It's the aggriebity. Oh, it's awesome aggriebity. But again, I think he offers everybody something to agree with, but not in every show. everybody something to agree with but not in every show. No, no that's true. You have to go, oh you are, I went last night I didn't agree, I didn't, I didn't agree with that many, that last guy was on, I didn't agree with many things he said. It's a line of agree-pideas. But then instead of clapping or applauding, everyone has to nod, right? And you're hoping to get really big nods, nods that are such big nods from the audience

that your chin sort of claps on your, hits your neck, and you're making a kind of clapping from these, oh man, it hurts my head so much when I try to do that. And a lot of the sound is not just the clapping it's actually your the spine cracking. Yeah and the brain bouncing around in the skull. The wet brain slapping the inside of the skull. Imagine that you know imagine the sound of you know you're playing to stadiums this AgriBuddin and you imagine the sound of 10,000, 20,000 people all flapping their heads up and down. I didn't agree much with that last AgriBuddin. I like that thing so much. Oh great. I thought that you were the best Agri-Badien on the show tonight.

And then we can get, finally get, you know, like when a company, they might spin off a, what do you call it? Like a sub something or other, a spin off a... Oh do you call it? Like a sub something or other, spin off a- Oh, like a subsidiary. Subsidiary, that's beautiful. Thank you, Alastair. Spitting off a subsidiary. A comedy is going to spin off relatability

and agreeability into a completely separate art form. I think it's gonna be good. It's gonna be, and cause I mean, I think that happens. That happens with like, you know, that happened with punk where people made it much more, you know, I guess, you know people loved the harshness of punk, but then kind of new metal came along, which was essentially really likeable punk for the masses. Yeah.

You know, and they went, well, they removed the thing that the purists really liked about punk, but they removed this thing that kind of sounded a bit like it. And that's what this aggriebity, it'll sound like comedy Yeah, oh yeah, sure. And then but then they'll be disappointed when they get a laugh and they don't get like a round of applause I mean maybe but but they might just like the nods. They might be like us. We don't they don't actually don't like clapping Okay, yeah, I'm not here for For your applause. Wait what's the... instead of claptor it's uh I'm not here for your clagreeing. Yes. Oh what about clodding? It's like a clap nod. That's when you get a round of applause from a horse.

That's when you get a round of applause from a horse. That would be great. Imagine that. Imagine the sound of a stadium full of horses. Horses clopping. It's the most beautiful sound I can imagine, Andy. They have such a beautiful resonance to their walking sound already. Yes, crispness. But think about this, right? For thousands of years, millions of years maybe, horses ran across soft ground, right? They never clipped or clopped. It wasn't until we invented roads and paved roads that the very concept of clipping and clopping came into being.

That was always, that was a latent, unrealized potential in the horse. That's true, because it kind of creates a kind of a thud, a thud sound when they hit the soft core. By the way, that's also a great sound. That's still a good sound, you know? Oh, I love that sound. Combine that with a bit of the sort of the huffing and puffing of a horse. Oh, yeah. They're like a moving drum kit. That's a really good idea too. And drums on your feet. And when you ride them you often hit them with a little stick.

Mmm. I do, yes. Drums on your face when you're autumn you often hit him with a little stick You're really ought to something there. Yeah. Yeah, and but you know the only time that you would have heard of a Horse clip clop was maybe if they were like You know we're walking along the sort of a, an old lava flow. You know, or, um, yeah, sure. Or sometimes there's like a rock formation by the sea or river and exposed, you know, thing like that. That's true. Of course there are exposed rocks. I forgot about naturally occurring rock. I forgot that rock occurs in nature and not just on roads And that was my bad and I'll take that rock occurs on roads There's a rock on the road. Well, that's actually not natural a man put that there

Have you written down horses or drums? I'm writing it down as we speak. As we are speaking. This is interesting because I think there are not that many animals involved in music. Not living animals at least. How many dead animals are involved in... Well, you think... Well, you almost said wilderson, you think, well, uh... Well, you almost said, why I'll just send, but you said, well, so...

The drums, I imagine, were very often made from the skin of an animal. And the strings of stringed instruments used to be made from intestines of sheep or something like that. And played with a horse's hair? And played with a horse's hair, isn't that nice? Bringing them to animals together like that. You know what I'm surprised I haven't seen? I've never seen anybody. Why don't we rub a living horse on a living sheep?

See what sound that makes. What about... Why not rub a living horse on the insides of a living sheep? Let's say you keep it alive, you cauterize it but you slice it, a sheep from sort of the base of the neck all the way to roughly the genitals and then you open it up and you place it on top of a horse's mane and you sort of you jiggle it back and forth would that create beautiful natural music and would

it be more humane because of course you don't have to kill any animals right we just we just get the sheep we cut it open we stretch its intestines out nice and thin, tune them up to a note, but it's still alive. I think it would sound a bit like this. Hang on, I can't hear anything. You can't hear it? Are you making a sound? Yeah, I was making a slapping sound with my wet cheek. You know, but that's nature's music and that's the violin as it was supposed to be heard,

but Andy couldn't hear it because of the dominance of the eye. Sense A. Sense A. Sense B and sense C, which is actually the sexy sense. Oh. What do you think is the sexiest sense? Sorry. I mean, it's interesting you mentioned that Alastair because another thing that I didn't think mentioned didn't bring up earlier when we were talking about cameras, figures is, you know, they say that the first bite is with the eye.

Yes. But, um, but does that only apply? mind-bendingly brilliant, featuring an all-star cast led by Emma Stone, Jesse Plemons, and Willem Dafoe. Kinds of Kindness is a wild ride that will leave audiences discussing the experience long after it's over. Don't miss Kinds of Kindness in select theaters Friday. food and biting, uh, uh, biting food. Yes. Uh, you know, if you are, um...

Biting a man on the arm. A man on the arm is the first bite with the eye. Or, you know, is the first lick also with the eye is the first touch with the eyes the first speed and you know if or listen is the first sound also with the eye because you know you've often because of this speed of light is faster than the speed of sound it's true and you often see things before you hear them. And often if you see a mouth moving it changes how you hear it. Mmm. That's true.

So that probably does mean that yes the sight, that's that would be the way how you would prove that sight is the dominant. I wonder if if you if you watching a video of a horse Walking walking along a hard human man's surface, but It is actually walking along a grassy surface whether or not you hear it clip-clop You know It's actually that would be the test that would be the real test you think you can really clearly hear that clipping and

clopping someone says to you nudges you and says listen to that clipping and clopping and you turn to them and say I hear it I hear the clipping and I also hear the clopping and then But then that's peer pressure as well that's another element we sort of bring in Somebody would be looking at the waveform saying that oh this this waveform is clipping and now it is clopping That's very funny to me but I don't know. The regular people understand that when you max out a sound and it clips. You lose some of the waveform. Do you think that was inside baseball?

Could have been. Could have been inside baseball. Inside a baseball. So you know let's see. Well let's talk about that joke Alastair, is it alright if I bring up one of your jokes that you're working on? Which one? The one about the cat fishing aliens. Oh yes please bring it in. So your joke, as I understand it, is along the lines of if we did make contact with aliens on other planets, you're worried that we'd get catfished, right? Absolutely, I'm terrified Andy, that's what I am.

Terrified that we'd get catfished, right? Yes. Right. And we were talking about the thing that like, that they would tell us that they have, you know, they're, they're, they're sexy aliens with three beautiful breasts. Yes. And then I was trying to work out whether it would be funny to say, but then of course you go over there, you land on their planet and you discover that actually they only have one beautiful breast. Yeah. Or to find, is it funny to say that you find out that they only have one beautiful breast. Yeah, well. Or to find, is it funny to say that you find out

that they only have two beautiful breasts? Yeah, no, I think that that's funny because I had started it with, I had started it as they would have two beautiful breasts is what they had told us, and then we get there and they only have one. But of course it makes a lot more sense for us, for them to tell us that they have three beautiful breasts,

because that's what they know that we think aliens have. And then we get there and they only have a disappointing two, which is actually the normal perfect amount. Yes, yes. And they're still beautiful, I think. Yeah, I think that- We're still, we're still disappointed. Yeah. I like, I like-

It's also ridiculous for an alien life form that lives, you know, light years away for them to also have breasts is, I think is also the other part of that. People. Yes. Yes. But I think, I think it is also fun to entertain this idea that we as humans on this planet yearn in some way for a third breast.

Yeah. And I think you hear about it and you go finally. Maybe even four. Yeah. Finally it has happened. I've always wanted this. Yes, the unlock the third breast. I mean, maybe in the future, we will have the technology to fiddle with our genetics.

And we will discover that actually, again, it's a linear relationship between the number of breasts and the attractiveness of a person and instead of getting bigger boobs or whatever, people will just have more and more of them. It'll just be a sort of a race to the bottom in terms of just adding on more race. I've heard he's a genetics fiddler. That's right. Because you said fiddler genetics and I think that that is the worst form of pedophilia where you actually work with single celled organisms or single cells.

Single cells, is it? Do you think so? Yes and he's just, he sticks his needle in them. Oh. I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry everybody. Sorry, sorry, sorry! No, that's sorry. Apology accepted, Alastair. I took a beautiful, pure idea. Like... The linear relationship between the two of breasts. Where man tries to genetically engineer people to have

more breasts and not just women. I think we're, and I think we're, we have not yet found, people have not yet accepted in any way the beautifulness of the male breast because they think that it is a terrible accident you know they think that it is they see it as a mistake yes exactly God's mistake they see it as the deterioration of the body, but I think they should just see it as second male puberty and men entering a new phase and that they should be viewed in that new way, in a new form. And I think that the older man body is the only one that we should try to sexualise. Always. I think you're right, we should be striving to achieve some kind of equality of sexualisation, where all bodies are sexualized to the same standardized amount.

We should force ourselves to say it should be compulsory to sexualize it just so that just because it is not naturally done so. Some sort of a government campaign or program to, and maybe a quota, if that's what's necessary to achieve this outcome. I'm saying, look, a quota is something of a blunt instrument, but this has gone on for long enough. And so, maybe it's a big brother type situation, where you know that they have the minute of hate or something like that, where they look at a photograph of the enemy of the state and they yell hateful things at him, well there should be a minute of love where people are forced to look at a male, an elderly male

body and all that represents and frantically masturbate for a minute a day. Oh wow, not just catcalling and saying nasty things. No, no, I don't think so. Is he, because I, you know, I do like yours where you, where you, uh, it's on a more mass, you know, but this is kind of like, is it like in 1984 where you all have a screen in your house and you just have to stand in front of it at certain times? Because I thought, you know, there could also be a, you know, a door-to-door person who comes to the door and And they say you know they're just trying to get society's quota up

For the day and so you kind of get randomly selected and they come and he lifts his shirt And you Say nice things and you have to say very sexualized things about that. Oh look at those knockers. Look at those male knockers. Ooh. Hubba hubba. More enthusiasm. I can't write it down unless you've got more enthusiasm in your voice. So he has a little pad, does he, to sort of keep track of... Yes, yeah. Well, he has to record them all, and they all go into a database.

A database, yes, Greg. All the recordings. And then sometimes the state uses it against you, you know, it's of course, or that's what conspiracy theorists think. They go, you know what they're going to do with all those recordings, they're going to one day wait until you, you know, they need you to do something. And then they'll say, well, look, here's all the genuine sexual comments that you've made towards male breasts. But of course, but of course, what they don't realize is that by the time

that the government does try to use those things, society has accepted the man boob as a sexual object. And they'll say, well, I don't know why you're trying to shame this man for saying sexual things about the male bosom. And it will all backfire. Mm hmm. That's right.

It's I look forward to that beautiful day where this will be, this will be laughable, this very constant, everything we're talking about will be funny because it's so absurd. That's right. We're actually, we'll actually seem like dinosaurs for this conversation. Exactly. Now, Alastair, have we talked about this on the show before? Um, it's something I brought up with my kids the other day. Uh, cause we were talking about their baby teeth falling out.

And then I started to tell them about their baby heads falling off. Have we discussed that on the podcast before? Feels like something we might have talked about. Well, I don't know if we have. There was, I guess, that joke that you used to have where you said, I lost my last baby tooth. Oh no, I lost a baby tooth. Then I lost a baby arm and a baby head

I lost a baby. Yes I'm in a lot of trouble. I'm in a lot yeah. But I mean yes but but you know I think it would be good because what is great about baby teeth obviously is that you can neglect your kids teeth a little bit when they're young not heaps but you know not so much, it's hard to get them to floss and that kind of stuff. Yeah and creates an infection that destroys their gums and stuff like that. Sure, sure but there is that security of like they will fall out and you will get another go at it right. Yeah.

But wouldn't it be nice you know every time you do something with your kids where you're like oh god I you know I didn't deal with that as sensitively as I could I hope I haven't traumatized them or whatever it would be nice to think well at least their baby head is going to fall off and then they'll get a new head yeah I think that would be nice or even like you could just, like let's say the brain was layered and the most recent stuff was on the outside of the head. And then the most, and then the most, the more, you know, older stuff is there. So that every time you did something

that was a bit fucked up, you could like rip like the skin off of their head. Oh. Peel a layer off. And it it would just it wouldn't hurt them and it would just their skin would grow back and they wouldn't remember that thing. Okay so the brain is exposed. I guess so I mean I guess it's a bit too intense to picture just ripping all the skin off of their head and then they just kind of walk around like a face-off kind of situation Maybe maybe the skull is all brain or the brain is all skull or something or like, you know The head is the same stuff if you could just take it off like a mask and there's just a smaller head that looks the same

Mmm on the inside and so it's all just layers like an onion but just smaller and smaller of the same thing. And then you see with some parents going around with a kid it's got a tiny little head. Tiny little head. Oh they've made a lot of mistakes. He's gonna have to do you you you won again because we've actually ripped it all off great big body tiny little head you just keep peeling it away every day I think that's good the the baby head but then you know you get those if it is the whole head that falls off right and then a new head Yeah, you'd get those weird parents who keep the baby head. They keep it in a in a box somewhere in a cupboard

Don't keep that mom that's gross Baby teeth all in it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that would be good. That would actually be, you're right. That would be way more efficient. She wouldn't have to lose all the teeth slowly. Yeah. Just have the whole head fall off. And then you lose your baby eyes, you lose your baby ears.

I think it's nice, but it's also crazy to think of all that stuff already existing all inside the head. Means probably the brain was actually really small. Oh, that's true. Yeah, Yeah I mean if it is the baby head that falls off there'd have to be a full, there'd have to be an adult head right inside your chest or something that pushes it out. So what happens with teeth? When do those adult teeth start forming? Because they can't be there the whole time.

They are there the whole time. Have you never seen that photo or that thing of a baby skull and you just see all the teeth already in there? In a baby's skull? Yeah. The adult teeth are in there already? I'm pretty sure, yeah. Or, you know, unless this image has lied to me. No, I mean I can believe it. It's just like, they wouldn't all fit surely. They must get bigger. They must grow bigger somehow. They must be little teeth, little seeds of the teeth I mean it makes you you know I mean they were able to grow them in the first place so it makes you think that they should be able to grow them later on but yeah Andy I think that we should go to three words from a listener sorry you heard me yawning then didn't you no but that's

not what prompted it Andy today's listener is Brayden Douglas. I hope I'm saying that right. Braydon, Braydon Douglas? Douglas? You know I got Douglas's in my family. Really? Yeah. Yeah. yeah, yeah. Me and Braden could be cousins or something like that. And now Andy, Braden Douglas sent in three words from a listener. I believe that listener is Braden Douglas. And so would you like to guess what the first one is? I like to guess what the first one is. Uh, the first one. I mean, that joke, I don't know if I've talked about it before, Alice, but it's my favourite bit of the show. Is it? The one where you say that they said it was for the listener, and I believe that listener is them.

It's my favourite bit of any given week is when you do that joke on the show. It can't possibly be but I appreciate it. Because I don't even know what it is, I don't even really, I can't really fully grasp what you're doing there. It's just the implication that of all the things from another listener Sure but but Yeah, no I get I get that obviously Andy you know, but it's so mild that are like I know I know I know but but here is a safe place where I can make the mildest of jokes

Here they can't hurt me, Andy. And if not, I have been following a guy who's prepared me for an insult. I have comebacks now for an insult where people insult me that I've done the mildest of jokes on my own podcast. First word, Andy. The first word, Andy. The first word is...

Pile. Right number of letters, Andy, but... Not a single one. Oh, no, wait. One single one lines up, but not in the right position. Okay. Okay. It's... The first word is sexy. Sexy. Okay. Okay. It's the first word is sexy. Sexy.

Okay. Sexy. Now before you say the second word is brick. Should have said it. I was going to say think before you say the word. I've made it too close to your what's the sexiest rectangle tweet that you did. Yeah. Br's just a 3d rectangle, which of course was a tune the think tank idea And so and then know the second word and is not brick not at all it is cabbage

Sexy cabbage Soup Cabbage. Sexy cabbage. Soup. Soup. No Andy, no! Same number of letters, but it is hero. Sexy cabbage hero. Wow. I mean, there's a couple of ways of thinking about this.

Just if you were to just go straight off the word, could be the hero to sexy cabbages. Obviously that's what everyone thinks first. It was obviously a, you know, a sexy cabbage hero. I guess a hero that is a cabbage, you know, of course. He's also obviously a sexy cabbage hero. I guess a hero that is a cabbage, of course. There's also a, it's not just the, it's a hero to cabbages who is sexy. Like a guy who goes to one of those places on the farm where they, you know, they always

show us trucks dumping excess produce onto just a piece of land. Yes. Yes. A guy who goes and save cabbages who is also very sexy. Because these days in the age of like TikTok, there is often people who, you know, there's that guy who chops wood and he tries different axes and stuff like that and people watch it because they love looking at him. Yeah. Yeah. And he sort of holds the wood in, would say quite a like a sexual way sometimes Does the thing where he sort of leans the wood down towards the camera that requires him to sort of?

straddle the wood in a way that I think is Probably unnecessary for what the videos are you know ostensibly about sure I mean we might there might be multiple sexy wood guys because I've never seen him hold the wood No, you were talking about the same sex. Yeah, is he wear suspenders? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Maybe I just haven't seen seen a straddling episode Straddle of the stratos so yeah, just watch it watch it watch it a bit more closely. The other thing is that obviously Cabbage I'm thinking about a red cabbage here. They are kind of a veiny you know they're all green green might be veiny as well I don't deal with a lot of green cabbages in my line of work but we have a bit of red cabbage in the kit in the fridge often

it's good to have in the fridge because it lasts for ages but you have to throw it out? It doesn't wilt. There's only the outside one where you can soften. Doesn't wilt, doesn't get eaten. It's, you can have a cabbage in there for months. It's the perfect vegetable. You know, you get so many months out of it. Before you have to throw it in the bin. It's not like a bag of lettuce. And even then, you know, when you throw it out, it's usually not because it's gone bad or something,

it's probably just because you bought another cabbage and there's no root. Yeah, yeah, that's right. It's time is up. It happens to every cabbage. Or it got some juice on it from one of the other vegetables that turned to liquid. Now you don't feel good about keeping the cabbage.

Even though you're not gonna eat the cabbage anyway, you could probably keep the vegetable juice cabbage and it would be fine. Yeah. They should make a kind of a decoy cabbage out of something that's completely non-perishable. Right, make it out of rubber or something like that. And then you can just put it in your crisper drawer.

Like when you get a fake egg for chickens and you put it in there in the nest box so they know where to go to lay the egg there should be something like that that's just a cabbage you can give it in the crisper drawer they should make a cabbage that you do eat oh wow I guess that's what they did with lettuce. Oh, I don't know. No, not necessarily.

Not necessarily. Probably lettuce is the thing I would throw away the most I think. Yeah, but that's because they made a cabbage that could... what if we made a cabbage that could go bad? Yeah, that's true. That went bad really quickly. Well, they should make a me that could, what if we made a cabbage that could go bad? Yeah, that's true. That went bad really quickly. Well, they should make a me that eats cabbage. That's right. We're approaching this the whole,

well, what about this? We make a decoy you, right? A fake you and a fake cabbage. And he looks like he's eating cabbage. He looks like he's eating cabbage. I think, I think... And we just put that in the kitchen somewhere leaning over a bench or something and then you can kill yourself. There you go, finally.

And you're free of this whole cabbage cycle. You just get out of it. You could imagine like the lettuce industry making genetically engineering a man that eats cabbage. No, sorry, not that eats cabbage, that eats the lettuce before it goes bad. Just as a way of increasing the sales of cabbage. That's fuck, not cabbage, lettuce. I shouldn't have started talking about lettuce. This is getting so confusing.

Okay, let's just go back to cabbage it's a man they make a man who eats the cabbage instead of saying it so they genetically engineer a man that might eat cabbage yeah it's great it's really good but I mean do you think that like you know like genetics as we know the genes in our body they're never responsible for just one thing. And do you think that in like genetically, in creating a man who eats cabbage, there'd be so many other things

that you change about the man. Oh yeah. You would be almost unrecognizable. I think that- As a man. Well look, I think that they would do two things, right? They would make him eat cabbage, they would genetically,

and they would genetically engineer him to be sexy. Because then he's modeling, he's modeling eating cabbage for other people. And maybe because there's so many things wrong with him, people who can get him who are much less hot than him. And so they're way more grateful and they're way more likely to model his behaviour. And so it kind of makes it like a contagious cabbage eating

and he eats a lot of cabbage. And he eats a lot of cabbage. I like, his body needs it as fuel. But I like that he's so, he's quite hideous and deformed, right? But he's so sexy that it overrides all of that stuff. Actually everybody finds him sexy despite that. And he eats so much cabbage all the time. They had to make him really sexy to sort of bypass how unpleasant he was to look at. I think, but I think that maybe he has a very muscular, sexy body, but he holds it in a terrible way. Right, sure.

You know? Like, he is sexy, it's like, but he is like, he just doesn't move like a normal, he's curled, everything is a bit curled. He's hunched and yes. He's hunched, he doesn't walk like a normal man. It is a little bit more ape-like. Quite jagged movements I imagine. Or ape-like, sure. Yeah and he eats a lot of cabbage but if you're an uggo you can score yourself quite a sexy dude and he looks great in photos if you can just position him just right. If you can keep him still. So he's great for your Instagram. But I like that in it they had to like it's so divorced from the natural human state,

the the liking of cabbage. They had to genetically engineer him so radically that he might have some like other weird powers like maybe he can see through time or something He can see through time. Yes He sucks electricity out of the walls, yeah, there's lots of stuff that we discover over the whole of the film I Mean television series. Oh Yes No, it's a great idea. Yeah. Finally. And in that way he's a hero to Uggos because he gives them great Instagram feeds. And muscular babies. The thing is that they genetically does pass on. It's not like a, you know, and so it's yeah, it's like just releasing those mosquitoes that have that

bacteria, you know, they breed. Yeah, I guess it would spread through the population. That's right. And then suddenly eventually it'll just become a, you know, we'll probably eat cabbages, a hand fruit, a hand vegetable. Oh, imagine that. Yeah. Andy, I think we did it. I think, I think we did an episode.

Of Two in the Think Tank. And despite my doubts at the beginning, you know, I think that we still had some fun ideas in there that I really enjoyed. Me too, Alastair. And we got to spend time together. And that's the main thing. Not for the listeners, obviously. They couldn't give a shit. a shit but you know for you and I, that's very nice. It's so nice Andy. Let me take you through the sketch ideas. We have the camera fart study. It's so great to hear the dog again after so many episodes of it being quiet. Because I told you somebody told me that they considered this the dog barking era. I mean this was... I consider this the Huxley coming in to chat.

Oh yeah, that's true. I mean this was last year, I think somebody told me that. And it was before I had moved. Somebody did refer to, send us a message saying that it was one of the best episode of the Easter and overseas era. Oh, that's nice. I mean, it feels rude to mention them and not say what their name is. It was Elliot. Thank you, Elliot. No, it wasn't Elliot.

Elliot sent us, Elliot sent us ideas on how to, on how to fix your hard drive that was, Oh, I really appreciate it. That was full. And okay, the second idea, I'll try to find this while I read out these things. Next idea was man who puts a light in his anus preemptively so people look cute who accuse him of thinking the light shines out of his asshole.

He can really show them. Yes, he can. And he does. And then there's the man. I'll show you. My asshole. And then there's the man who offers a comeback for every insult. He's some kind of coach who does that. And we've got the. He's the opposite of a pick-up artist. He's a put-down artist. That's right. He's a put-down artist. It might have been... Ah yes, that's right.

That would be a great thing to start, you know, sort of a subculture for the internet. Put-down artists. These are guys who can dump any woman. Guys, wait woman in just a few simple key words put down artists yeah put down artists sure put down artists really it is you could go up to the hottest girl in a bar and you could dump her. Dump her in just a couple of words. Yep, that's right. It's amazing. You're dumped is their main one.

And the listener was Salem. Thank you Salem. Thank you Salem. Yes and referred to it as the owl moves to Canada era of the pod And then the next idea of course was a great buddy Where people go see they might go see a lineup of people ingredients who they They all agree with but I didn't really agree much with that last agree buddy in And then so, you know, there'd be like a observational agree, but it

Would be like airplanes have food. Yeah. Yes Then we've got horses are removing drum kit. We've got sexualizing the male breast and making it compulsory. We've got removing your kids head layers to make them forget. But or as you just say the baby head is the overarching idea here. But or you just say the baby head is the overarching idea here Then we've got the cabinet didn't industry genetically engineers a man who eats cabbage and is sexy And wrong somehow

And then we've got a put-down artist dump a woman in a few words dumped the hottest woman that they were there's a big reveal at the end of that, uh, that genetically engineered things that they didn't actually genetically engineer a man who, uh, eats cabbage and is sexy. It's just a regular pig. But they just might have picked up, just gives people a license. No, it gives people a license to admit that they've always found pigs sexy. Because we told them it was a man. They're like, oh yes, I would do that man. That cabbage man. That sexy cabbage man. It's turned out that women have always found pigs very sexy and it really makes men feel bad. Um yeah well that's good. I was gonna I thought you were gonna say instead of a pig

and of course I didn't know you were gonna say pigs of course I'm this is not supposed to be an insult I thought you're gonna say it just turns out it was just regular men from Eastern Europe. They're not even genetically engineering though. I think it might still be an insult to our family. Oh no. I mean we did say a bunch of other stuff about them being really weird and holding their bodies in a strange way and moving like apes. Well I didn't hear any of that. Some of it. Oh, sorry to any Eastern European men who might be listening. You know, I've been, I've become aware, I've educated myself and I've become aware that

some of the things that I've been saying were not okay. And so I accept I will apologize anyway and I'll be taking some time away thank you so much for listening to anything Tank, we love that you do that. To it and us. And to us. We did it, can't believe we did it and with you Andy. I'm going to get this uploaded so quick. I'm going to get it uploaded so quick. I'm going to even stop recording before we finish just so I can get a kick, a head start.

And thank you for listening. Thank you to everybody who's been going to the Alistair's gigs in Canada. And we love you. Bye.