Two In The Think Tank - 433 - "CHURCH OF MY WIFE"

Episode Date: July 13, 2024

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Tim Horton's Camp Day is Wednesday, July 17th. When you buy a hotter iced coffee, 100% of proceeds help change the lives of youth in need. See what Tim's July 17th. And don't forget to upsize your coffee for a bigger donation at participating restaurants in Canada. Previously on Two in the Think Tank. Andy, on the next episode, I'm gonna tell you a story of something that happened to me, something notable that happened to me at the American version of Hungry Jacks known as Burger King. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we go with five sketch ideas. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do it quick enough. Look, this is just what it was. I went in after a gig to Burger King

and I just wanted to get, I saw that there was a, a $5 combo. I wanted to get a, a Whopper Jr. And it came with a chips and a drink for five bucks. Right. And it's like 10 PM, 10 30, something like that. And I just wanted to get it, little something. And then I go, they call it here a trio in French. But anyway, so I ordered that. And then the guy goes, you want the thing with the trio? And I go, with the Whopper Jr.? And I go, yeah, with the Whopper Jr.

And he goes, you want a Whopper Jr. with a Whopper Jr.? And I go, go no I just want just want the trio like that and then we had a moment and then I kind of went you know I kind of laughed at his thing and there's it's it like awakened something in him he's like I think because then he calls back to the guy behind him and he goes, make him two Whopper juniors. You want to make him three make him three Whopper juniors. I thought it was like a trio of Whopper juniors. Wow. I think he's like, you want the big one?

You want the number one? You want the you want the big Whopper? And I go, I mean, I'll have it. Oh. And then he starts going and he starts going back and he's like, make them two big whoppers Make them make them three 14 whoppers Instructing this guy and then they get there out the back and he's laughing and he's like then he comes out and he gives me A big cup. He's like here you go Because you know you fill up the cup of stuff by saying he gives me the biggest cup

there you go, because you know you fill up the cup of stuff by saying he gives me the biggest cup and he's like you want cheese and I was like oh I'll have cheese like that and I can just hear them laughing back there and then he comes back and he's got the bag right and he's like weighing it with his hand going like this and he grabs and and he grabs, gives me a small fries, a small chips like that. And then he just grabs like a handful of like sauces. It's just like mostly mayonnaise and he throws that all in there. And he's just laughing and laughing. And I take it and he's like,

you want to eat it here? So I take it and I go and sit down and I open it up and it's a one whopper, but it's got like eight patties. And he's like, it's the biggest Burger King's ever made. It's got like eight patties and it's just like the top of the bun is all ripped and stuff like that. And so then I'm like, wow.

And I just pick it up and I start to try to take a bite and it's bigger than my face. And he's just laughing. It's like, it's good. And then I'm sitting and just trying to eat my way through this thing, you know? It was a great moment. So much meat. It was so much meat, Andy.

I couldn't eat all of it. How far did you get? I probably ate about five patties with, you know, like I had to break it in half and then just like have the, like the bottom bun was just a patty. And then I ate about, yeah, I probably had about three or four patties left at the end.

And then I just, I was like, I'll just take this to go finish it later. And eventually I was like, I can't eat any more of this. I'm like, I was like, I'll just take this to go finish it later. And eventually I was like, I can't eat anymore of this. I'm like, I was like, I like I'd eaten so much meat, I lost my sense of direction. And so then I just like, I just went to the Metro

and I just put it in the bin there. But still, I still ate a few more chips on the way. I think that's a really amazing interaction. I want that to be turned into a short film. Yeah, wow, okay. I worry, it sounds as well though, that the guy, it sounds like possibly he was just about to have a nervous breakdown. Do you think he was on the edge of losing it completely? I don't know, I think he was know, he was young. Losing it completely. He was young and he was just, you know, he felt inspiration. Like, because there was two other workers there that kind of appeared later. And he was like, you know, like, he kind of like, they sort of seemed like they put up

with his, like, you know, he had a weird, he was just laughing so much and they're like, huh? And he was like, oh, I don't know. Like that and they're like, oh, whatever. You know, so I think. Were there any other customers in the? There was like maybe one other guy who was sleeping on, you know, with his head on the thing in the back.

You know, there was pretty much nobody else, yeah. Somebody else came in after, but yeah, it was really just a moment for us. Me, the front... It feels also possibly like, that whatever you said was sort of maybe like a cheat code or something that activated or, you know, maybe activated some sort of like Manchurian candidate style brainwashing that this guy had had. Maybe he'd been taken away to a.

Yeah, I think it was the laugh because I think he was like, he gave me a tiny bit of shit and the fact that I took it really well allowed him to be himself. Like, cause the fact that I laughed, he's like, oh, I don't have to be, it's like, I don't have to be himself. Like, because the fact that I laughed, he's like, oh, I don't have to be, it's like, I don't have to be like, this guy's not gonna call head office.

Yeah, you let him know that you're cool, man. You're not some sort of, not one of those undercover Burger King operatives. Yeah, I'm not a mystery shopper. But imagine if I was. I mean, it's interesting. This happens all the time. They've been trying to bust this guy for years, but they've never got the proof. They've got a feeling he's giving out eight patties to... Yeah, they've heard stories on podcasts for years, but it's all from travelling comedians.

They haven't been able to triangulate where this guy works. I think that's really good. Can we have a sketch that is set inside the Investigative Department inside the investigative department in Burger King where they're trying to, you know, I guess if you're trying to, if your job is to crack down on people giving away things for free, you're sort of the opposite of real cops, you know, I mean I don't want to say I'm pro cop here Okay, but what I'm saying is that like when you're depicting this stuff on screen you are You are you know, you are the bad guys in that you're trying to stop people, you know employees giving away things for free to their mates or

Shoplifting or helping people shoplift that kind of thing. So you sort of the sort of the bad guy shoplifting or helping people shoplift that kind of thing. So you're sort of the, sort of the bad guy. And I think it would be cool to see inside this sort of, this full police force that they have where this is, this guy's their equivalent of a serial killer. Alastair, he's a serial, he's a serial griller and that he has given these grilled patties away. Yeah.

I like this a lot, Andy. Here there's a guy who works for us who's having fun. Trying to find the cereal griller. I mean, I wasn't actually proud of the pun, cereal griller, but. I know, Andy,'ll it'll help. You wrote it down. It'll it'll help with us remembering what this idea is.

You know what I mean? Right. Yes, because I'll have, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll have sort of a shame associated with it. And that's the actually the only things that I remember. All of my most intense memories are of embarrassment or shame. You're like a computer that can forget anything. That's right, but on my deathbed I think I worry that those will be the only things that are left with me. It's just like a few embarrassing moments from primary school and then nothing else. You know, my brain will have shrunk and

shriveled away and then these will just be my like my core formative things that are all I can fixate on. I'll have forgotten who my family are and who I am. You know what we don't hear from people who've died and come back. None of them ever kind of come back and are like, by the way, deathbed regrets, they're not a big deal. Also like, you know, like what, like, you know, dying, that's not gonna be so bad. Like, why can't they just like help us chill out a little bit?

Why don't they come back and just be like, oh yeah, and fuck it, I don't know. But like, why? He's like, I mean. Oh yeah and I don't know. Like why? Well I, what I wish. Being with your family is actually quite annoying being surrounded by people. I'd rather be alone for the next one. You still there Andy?

And these people have a valuable insight. Yeah. What I want Alastair is I I and I hope I have the integrity to stick with this idea is that I would love for my sort of my last words or something to be I'm there on my deathbed and you know they come to me and like they do they ask people their regrets because that's what we want old people to be dwelling on their last moments before they die. Oh what are your regrets? What are you the regrets of the dying? Talk about some of the saddest things

about the things you're really upset about. Don't forget your family here or the love filling the room. I need to write down first for I work for Facebook and we put together the bullshit Facebook posts that people share without any real attribution we do a lot of you know anecdotes about professors and that kind of thing but we also do the the regrets of the die oh we do we do some sort of fake trivia from movies and and crap like we do we do some sort of fake trivia from movies and crap like that. Oh we do some stuff from Socrates as well saying Socrates said

this and that and it's always some trite bullshit but we also do the regrets of the dying and so it's my job to go along to hospitals and sort of kick the door down and grab a nurse and say take me to one of the dying patients and they take me in here and I push the family out of the way and I say hey dying guy what's what's what are your biggest regrets oh what did you really fail and suck at in life quick I know you're about to die I've got to get this now for Facebook and I hope that when that happens to me, I have the wherewithal to say, I wish I had looked at my phone more.

Yeah. That's all I want. Yeah, I wish. They have got. Yeah, yeah, hit me. No, no, hit me, because I was starting to write down. No, I'm just saying they've got a real potential a real They got a real potential those people they're in a position of power those those dying people they have

It's probably the last time we'll ever listen to them You know, we haven't listened to them for years because they're so old and irrelevant True and the lines no matter one last chance to say something That exactly that we will listen to and we will write down and they will share it and we'll make it seem important so the last 20 years of your life we didn't really give a shit but now you're about to die you get one last thing to say that we'll remember and they have that position they can use it to make a funny joke I think that's right well I think yeah and then because yeah you never hear like what what are the, what's

like the opposite of regrets, the triumphs of the dying. You know, one of the things that you like the most. Yeah, finest moments. Yeah. But, um, but I think the guy who, who dies and comes back and like dispells all this stuff, he's like, basically like, oh man, firstly, you don't even think about regrets because you die. And also, I think is that it actually feels so good to die it's all like no you know

like how good sitting down feels it's like that yes this is like sitting down for your consciousness yeah it's like this is sitting down for your soul it's like sitting down on heroin. On heroin, on acid because you're getting all these cool visuals and and if anything it's like you know people are like oh I don't want to die alone. Actually when your family's there actually really harsh as your buzz. They're all crying. Oh no, leave me alone. And so really all you really when you say you get a cool position So I'm just doing the shark. Now, next time I die, I'm going to try to do the shark.

When you say you are sitting down on heroin, do you mean physically on to some heroin? Heroin, yeah. I have been on heroin. That does sound comfy. Sitting on it, a brick of it. And that felt pretty good. Now they say that Ellis...

But maybe I have been on my feet all day. I'm on heroin and it feels incredible. I'm sorry, I haven't taken any. I've just sat down on some and I'm a nurse and I've been running around all day. My feet have been killing me. I've got to tell you, to have a moment to myself on heroin, it feels great. That's funny too Alastair, I think that's a separate idea. I think that's a separate skitch idea. But what I was going to say is acid, LSD, right? LSD is the same as acid, right?

Lysergic? Lysergic acid? Yeah, I think so. D-lysergic acid? I don't know where the D comes from. Could be. No, but I think- It says something with the letters out in the wrong order. No, I know, but I think, I think that there actually is one at the beginning,

but it is like, oh no, I wrote LDS. That's not what I wanted. Oh no. No, and I wrote name tag. How did I do this? Oh, because I think that's-'s going on. So lysergic acid diethylamide, something like that. Okay, okay, cool. So yeah, what? Hit me. What I want to know is, is it like an is it like an actual acid as well like could you use

it to like clean things and like as an alternative to sort of vinegar if you mix it with bicarb will it go all fizzy that would be fun to know I'm doesn't have volcano out of it some red dye in there because you make a volcano exactly yeah today I was wondering that's a thought I had in bed, you know, like those those acids people used to like throw on people's faces. I Wonder if you can put bicarbonate nose and it makes a cool little volcano There you go, that would be fun do you put it in before you throw the put on the people's faces or after We do it before. I mean they are using, they often using battery acid, is that right? I don't know. I don't know where they get their acid from.

I don't want to know. I hate that shit. Oh I know it's one of the worst things that happens in the world. I really makes me very sad and I think about it a lot. We have a strange delay on this episode. We haven't had a delay like this for ages. It's a bit of a strange delay. Yeah and it's still the same call. Do you want to call me back Al? I I mean, we could, yeah, okay, we'll try it. We'll see if it fixes the delay. How about this? While during the call, let's try to sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat. And because even if we get out of sync with each other,

then it'll probably be good. It'll be like we're doing a cannon. Yeah. Yes, oh, that's a great idea. Okay. Okay, I'll hang. So you, but you'll call me back? I'll call you back.

Okay, ready? And three, two, one. Row, row, row your boat.three, two, one, go. Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. That's not bad. That's not bad. We did it, Andy.

I mean, I thought a really good prank that you could have done, Alastair, would have been to you stop, you don't sing at all while we hang up, and you just let me do it on my own. Yeah, I know, but you know that Andy. People kindly just listen to my fucking voice. Yeah, well you know this Andy,

I don't come up with great prank ideas, I'm a sketch man. And even then, mostly it's products like toilet paper that you've put a print on that looks like you've already pooed on it. So you don't have to wipe your ass. That was an idea we came up the other day. It's an old idea but I thought of a great addition to it because we had just had it long you know you don't have to wipe your ass and And when people go, did you wipe your ass? You go, yeah.

And then you take it out of your pocket and you go, look. Like this, see? But then, but then I realized the additional part is that they'll go, well, that's why you stink. You go, my shit doesn't stink. And then you make them smell it. And they go, see? Doesn't smell like anything, so it's not me.

See? And then you can just have a full attack and you're fine they can't get you they can't get you yeah that's so fun yeah so look that's how you know that's how you know. That's how you know. It's always good when you can find a little loophole. Yeah. Mmm. Have we still got a delay? I don't know. I'm not feeling it quite as much, but I don't know. You know, maybe it's because I'm just having more pauses. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. I love it. You know, maybe it's because I'm just having more pauses.

Yeah, me too. Yeah, you know, we're just not, we're not sharp. So we just got to both keep talking at the same time. Just power on. Don't leave any pauses. And if you think the other person's, if there's a, if you think they're thinking or if you think it's a delay, just keep talking. Just start yapping. Don't let them jump in. Just start yapping. If there's a if you think they're thinking or if you think it's a delay just keep talking start jumping Just start yapping. Mm-hmm Andy what about this? You send somebody a video. Oh, yeah, and you're saying like If you see this if you're seeing this then I dead. But you send it to like your parents.

Is this a good prank? You know, I told you I'm not good at pranks, but you keep sending just videos and photos of you looking like you're dead. That's this guy's prank idea. Like this, he's just lying on the ground. Oh my gosh. You don't write anymore. that's this guy's prank idea. Like this, he's just lying on the ground. Oh my gosh, just... And you don't write anymore words.

Right, but are you filming it selfie style? You can. Yeah, and sometimes you also sometimes you get one of your kids to do it. And then sometimes you hear them go, Daddy, I did it, I filmed you looking dead. Like that, and your parents don't know why you've done this. This is the first clue that your parents are receiving that something might be wrong with you.

And then you just keep acting like it's really funny. I reckon they might've received clues, at other points in your life, they would have spotted something as they're raising you. Be like, oh God. Yeah. You know, I reckon, I don't know if you're, you can ever truly surprise your parents

about what you've turned out to be or what you're actually like. I know, but what about this? And when people grow up to do horrible shit, you know, the parents are probably like, yeah. So you can, because like in the childhood, you kind of go, like the whole time. I mean, I think the problem is that during the whole,

their whole childhood, you're looking at your kids going, oh, geez, that's going to be a real problem in adulthood. Like when you see certain traits. Yeah. You go, oh man. You're also like, when is it too late to start trying to correct this in my kid? I don't have the energy right now. Yeah, you go like, but I mean, can you really correct anything? Like they say, they say stuff like, you know, kids friends at school have more impact on the kids direction in life than the parents do. Do they say that?

I think so. Yeah, there's stuff like that, like stuff that happens at school and things like that. Even I think like your parents, your friends parents have almost a bigger impact. I don't know. That can't be right. Can't be right. Can't be right. I think that there's something, like, I think that is like an indicator of success or whatever it is.

I don't know how they define success. Wow. Okay. It's amazing. What about your friends, parents, friends at school? Yeah, your friends. Your kids, friends, parents, friends at school. Yeah. Wait. They're... Yeah, your friends. Your kids, friends, parents, friends at school.

Yeah, wait, they're... They're the ones who really raise your children. Yeah, well, they don't raise them, but they have the biggest impact. Sounds like they're raising them. I mean, like, I met one of my friends' grandfathers once, and he's the reason I don't believe in God you know is that true yeah I was like he said he told me about like they were like well they were like oh he yeah my grandma he doesn't believe in God no man I didn't know that was an option oh all right I'm gonna do that too. Like, whereas if my

parents... Well, it sounds like you didn't even meet him. You just heard about him. No, I did meet him, but like he was there, but my friend told me. I don't think the old man even said anything, or he might have got just agreed. Yeah, I don't. No, wait. Oh, okay. Well, that's cool. All right, then I don't either. You know, it's a big impact. I think his parents, they're always telling you stuff. Were your parents religious when you were a kid? Well, I think I just thought, like, you know, I would just thought that there was,

or I'd been told that that was a thing, and I didn't know the option of it not being real was a possibility. You know, because I, that's just what, like, I guess it's like, it's like Santa, you know? People just mention it and then. Yeah. Yeah, I think I, I really wanted to believe in God, I think.

And I think I, oh, I didn't, I don't know about God, but Jesus, I think. And I think I, oh, I don't know about God, but Jesus, I think Jesus sort of was like a little bit drawn to Jesus. You know, I was... Tim Horton's Camp Day is Wednesday, July 17th. When you buy a hotter iced coffee, 100% of proceeds help change the lives of youth in need. See you at Tim's July 17th.

And don't forget to upsize your coffee for a bigger donation at Participating Restaurants in Canada. Yeah, there was something about that and hearing people talk about it, you know, we had one guy come to our school and we were like nominally a religious school but nobody ever really talked about religion. But then there was one guy who came in and talked at he

talked in assembly and I think he'd got under in there slightly under false pretenses he was talking about he was in there to talk about almost getting eaten by a killer whale right that was his big story and he told us this big story about almost getting eaten by a killer whale and then right at the end he was like but then I offered myself to Jesus and the killer whale swam away or something like that and so and then he and he said and I want you to put your hand up right now if you're gonna offer yourself to Jesus. Wow. And all the teachers I think were a

bit annoyed he's sort of like, you know, he slipped it in there right at the end. And I didn't put my hand up, but I was like, oh, I'm sorry, Jesus. I would like to, but I don't think I can put my hand up right now. It feels like I would be disemboweled. Is there some way I can give off of myself to... Yes. I mean, they normally like you to put your head up obviously. I mean I remember just religious class being so deeply boring and even like I still feel it now if I walk into a church, everything about it just seems so like even more boring

than British TV. You know like. British TV, you know, like it was like, it was like painfully dull and the whole world of it just seemed like a horrible life. And it just seemed like having to listen to people and more people telling you what to do. And it's just like, I go, none of this seems right. I would rather eternity suffering than this it already is suffering

and maybe it would be a different and it seems pretty long yeah um no is there any sketches in this Andy go on I mean there's got to be something about about religion being so boring. Yeah. Right. And, and, and it is true that church shit is boring as fuck. What is the logic there?

I mean, and there are churches that are making it more interesting and trying to make it more interesting and stuff. Still seems pretty boring though to me. It's like talking about love and... Like love isn't great to talk about. Mm. It's not like, oh yeah. Like you know, you wouldn't spend all this time going in, you know, like talking about,

you know, and if you are the right, you know, if you do the right things, my wife will love you. This is a guy, instead of Jesus. Ah, the right, you know, if you do the right things, my wife will love you. This is a guy, instead of Jesus, it's just his wife. He gets his wife to love him. It's his wife. And if you give yourself up to my wife, she will love you forever in this world. My wife church. Yeah.

It's the church of my wife the Redeemer of coupons she takes them down to the supermarket Redeemer the Redeemer The Redeemer, I thought you called her Eema and I was like that's our original name for a woman. It is good. It's a good thing to come up with on the spot. Now, Alastair, I mean, maybe this is why Scientology sort of kicks off, you know, kicked off so well because they were like, all right, aliens and stuff, you know, they're kind of like putting in what people want, making it a bit more exciting, instead of just God and angels and stuff. You know, like, no, aliens and spaceships and invisible electricity and...

The world that Jesus lived in, the dust, the hotness, the outfits, everybody's a fucking narc everybody is dry and sweaty and they're eating fish and bread you go like none of it seems good it you can almost smell it on the page you can smell how dirty everybody is you know and you know nothing would want me to enter that that universe the Bible extended universe No you're right. I mean yeah if we would have rebooted you know. He'd probably be a skater boy. He'd be doing kickflips. Of course. Yes, well we did already come up with Jesus doing kickflips on his crucifix shaped skateboard. In a quite a recent episode. Okay, well how about this? I agree. They bring but he's he's the top player of

fortnight and so you know he preaches kindness to people but he also practices incredible long-distance headshots I mean it's a good idea I think a game of Jesus is a really good idea the whole thing about dying and respawning he was the original respawner you know exactly you know and now that Dr. Disrespect is gone there's an there's an opening for somebody to come back. I'm sure you haven't seen any of the Doctor Disrespect news or have any idea who Doctor Disrespect is. No. Do you want to tell me? No, it's just some high profile streamer who's turned out to be another, you know, another

abuser of some sort, I think. Ah. I think. Yeah, and has lost, has been demonetized and kicked off of many platforms. Oh well that is the modern crucifixion, demonetizing Jesus Christ who was demonetized for our sins. He was removed from this earthly platform and that's right and he's starting his own new one he's calling it stream me stream me Andy have we lost our mojo so early on in the episode oh no 30 minutes in my god. We've been talking about so many good things. Yeah, I mean, I think we're going okay. I think it's been fine. There's been some good stuff early on. There were some peaks. Certainly there were some peaks. And yes, there were some troughs

and many a plateau. And there was also a little, you know, I don't think this is... A little musical number. musical number. Hmm, that was exciting. Maybe that was, yeah, Jesus 40 days and 40 nights. We could maybe do that into fortnights as well. We'll make a new version of fortnight called 40 nights and it's about Jesus being in the desert. Fortnight days and fortnight nights. That's perfect. I mean we haven't got the 40 bit in there. We still really just... no I mean no I see what you were doing there Alistair. I know I'll allow it. I'll allow it. Thank goodness. Now that I've listened to your words, I can see that they have value. I saw what was missing but now I'll see what is there.

What about this? Have we ever come up with a superhero but he's like a real life guy and all it is is that he's kind of got a hole in his wrist that if he squeezes his arm he can shoot blood at you like Spider-Man shoots web. But he only has as much blood as he can afford to lose. Exactly. And he uses, people like, because attackers would only be sort of put off by it but they, because if they really wanted to get you that'd be pretty they could post they'll get you but I guess you could keep shooting stuff in them eyes and mouth and stuff like that but as you get weaker as I mean the idea of a guy who's super power is bleeding it's pretty pretty strong. I mean and and bleeding to death basically, you know, yes

Yeah, I guess cuz then that's a really trying to like drown you or something like that He's like that's it he gets a bucket out of his backpack and he starts filling it up with his wrist If I get a hold of your head, mother. And then he grabs you by the back of the head and drowns you in blood. I mean, that's also something we don't see in movies. I haven't seen that. I mean, I'm sure it's been done,

but I haven't seen anybody being drowned in blood. You get like a small towel and you wrap it over their face and you hold it tight on the other side And then you spray blood over their mouth and nose And you waterboard and sort of waterboard them. Yeah It's a good idea It's a good idea. Yeah, it's a good idea. Imagine if this was, if this had become, because you can't predict which superheroes are going to get big, you know, who would have predicted that Batman and Spider-Man would be the big

ones, you know? Yeah. Who's to say there is an alternative world in which blood may end? That's right. And we know, you know, it's so sad, beetle boy fell by the wayside. Donkey girl, she didn't get any kind of success. Why did she fight away? Why? Donkey girl.

You know, that's the thing in fiction is that you see boys turn into donkeys but you see so rarely see girls turn into donkeys. Do you think someone should do a do a study of that you know do a bit of a maybe a PhD into why they're no donkey donkey ladies donkey women Yeah, like what do you think about this? What do you think about this joke? It's it's it's a pronouns joke that I wrote as a parody of a really terrible Bit that I saw Jimmy Carr do about pronouns. But I haven't seen this one done.

So this is the joke, because it goes something like this. The pronouns business is going too far. You've got pronouns, you've got furries, you know, it's getting, it's getting out of control. I, I met a, a, a donkey, um, a, a donkey furry recently, a non-binary donkey furry. And I asked them their pronouns and they said, hee-haw. Now, Alastair. Hee-haw. Alastair. Yee-haw. But now, now I think the idea for that joke to work in a way that is defensible at all

would have to be that the person telling the joke thinks they've met a donkey furry, but in reality they've just met a donkey and they're so obsessed with pronouns that they assume that the donkey when it's saying that it's their pronouns, it's their pronouns because that's all they're thinking about. I like that. Do you think that's possible? I think that's I mean I think it's possible I think you could almost even have it as that's a rednecks pronouns Hey, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,aw then, but you could almost, you could almost be like, well, that's probably, they probably got it from the donkey. It's probably the original, the origin. It makes sense.

Um, um, Andy, what about like a... So anyway, you could write that down. Is that a good idea? Oh yeah. Donkey pronouns. Oh, donkey pronouns. There we go. Hang on.

Hiho. Hiho, hi know, like shoes that you can uber, like uber, like you know, like shoes that you, like a shoe station, like town shoes or whatever. What would you call it? Would you call it Schuber? Well, I don I don't know yeah I'm still working it out but like okay I mean I be like those town bikes you know but they're like shoes fit yes and but I think that is a good idea I mean mate would they be running shoes... I think that is a good idea. I mean, mate, would they be running shoes? Could be running. I think they can't just be regular shoes.

I mean, they could be fancy shoes too. They could be like, you know, brand new... Oh, that's quite nice. You know? Yes. But then there's also, you know, those... Jimmy Choos. Right? Jimmy Choos.

Jimmy Choos. Like that guy who brings you booze? Is that that guy? No, that's Jimmy Brinks. No, that's Jimmy Brings. Oh, that's Jimmy Brings. Jimmy Choo is a shoe designer. Oh. Yeah, right. But Jimmy Brings Jimmy Choo's, that's a really good idea.

Jimmy Brings Jimmy Choo's. You know, it's. Oh man. That's really good, because I do actually have like a flap under my shoe right now that's kind of coming off, you know know so sometimes when I lift my foot I can feel it dragging on the ground underneath me you know this is like a bit of the rubber or whatever and then you kind of go man I might have actually I got a flat and yeah I know that feeling

that happens to me a lot super good it glued it. I've had shoes where the, it's only holding on at the very front. Oh yeah. Right, at the toe. Oh really? And the rest of the sole is completely disconnected. And you can still get around with that. Yeah, I mean I've had the opposite.

I think I might have actually talked about this on the podcast. I've had a shoe that's only connected at the heel, and so then you got that big flap underneath. Yeah, well you can't, that's, no, I mean you're a fucking clown if that's happening connected at the heel and so then you got that big flap under yeah well you can't that's no I mean you're a fucking clown if that's happening to you that's ridiculous you scoop up a lot of loose leaves but I'd be embarrassed works but you think if it opens up at the back it's fine and a professional you know a classy professional gentleman gentleman would never let that happen.

A gentleman of style and presentation, he only has his shoe sole disengaged from the back, not from the front. What about a big hole where your toe's poking out with the hole from the front what about a big hole big hole where your your toes poking out with the hole in the sock that's bad but if the heels to get and there's a hole in the sock there that's fine are you just saying whatever you can see by looking down then that's fine I think I think in that case you're probably right you could probably get away with it to have the

You stand a better chance I mean I think this is a bit like that that Thing of the the airplanes that came back that landed from the war and that had the holes You know, where do you reinforce the airplane? Do you reinforce it where the planes that come back where they have the holes or do you reinforce it where they don't? And it's, you know, it's like that. But what we want to do is we want to work out which bits of clothing are actually necessary to survive and to thrive in

the world. And so we do need to send out two guys, one whose pants have no crotch and one whose pants have no ass and see who can make it higher up the corporate ladder. Similarly, you know, if they've got the big comical hobo toes poking out the front of their shoe or if their heels are exposed and eventually we'll be able to,

by a process of elimination, work out which parts of clothing are actually necessary and which aren't. We'll be able to make, you know, maybe we discover that there's only like two or three spots on the body that actually need to be covered. Yeah, you can have like a midriff. You can have business shorts, you know,

you can probably have like, you know, probably all that area between the knee and like where pubes start. You could probably get rid of most of that, you know? But you might find it's quite surprising the bits that, you know, like it turns out that you can have your dick exposed if you've got like, you know, your left shoulder and your right leg below the knee, if those are covered. Yeah. Actually, because your brain is expecting to see clothes and it actually only looks in those two places. And then, you know, your brain fills in the rest.

Our eyes actually don't get that much data. There's also that thing. Well, it's mostly... There's also that thing. Well, it's mostly... You know that thing when you like, when you see a boob but there's like tape over the, or like a bandaid over the nipple, and you go, it doesn't feel like I'm looking at a boob.

You know what I mean? I don't know, I don't know that thing. I've never seen a boob with a bandaid over the nipple. You've never seen like DJs who like, they have the boob out, but they have like band-aids on the nipple. You've never seen like DJs who like, they have the boob out, but they have like band-aids on the nipple. So then you're like, you actually don't feel like you're seeing a boob.

And I think maybe it could be like that. If you just put like two band-aids at the end of the penis, you find out you can actually go still go to business meetings and it's completely fine because they don't feel like they're seeing cock. Yes. And you find out how many,

how many bits of clothing can I remove and add band-aids and replace with band-aids? Because it's more efficient in terms of space coverage. Look, I- Well, yeah, I'm excited about that. Andy, what would you say about going to three words from a listener? I think I would speak for the listeners, I think that's a great idea. I think that would be merciful.

Um, well, today's listener, Andy, is Will Sanger. Will Sanger, Will Sanger, Will Sanger, Will Sanger, Will Sanger, Will, thank you so much. Little singer-sanger. Well, Andy, Will has sent in three words from a listener. And so would you like to guess, and I assume that listener is Will Sanger, but would you like to guess what Will S sing there's three words from a listener are? Okay I reckon the first word is tuppence. Tuppence from the same era. Far lap. Okay.

This is a great first word by the way. Far lap. Second word is centaur. Centaur. Sorry Andy. Heart. Centaur. Far lap. Far lap heart. Heart transplant.

Far lap heart transplant. I think that's a really good guess. Unfortunately, it's 100% incorrect. The final word is scam. Scam. Far lap heart scam. Wow. Far lap heart scam.

Scam is maxed backwards. That's a really good, that's a really good point. Yeah. Farlap heart scam. So what do we know? We know that when Farlap died, they cut out his heart. They put it, I believe possibly in a different continent. And we might have talked about in the past about that being so that he couldn't rise from the dead

like a vampire. Yeah. Don't see a lot of vampire horse stuff, do you? You don't see. Not that many zombie horses. You don't see much, yeah, horror horses. It's not a thing. Even though the first three letters

and the first three of horse and the first three letters of horror are the same. And if you were reading the word horse, you wouldn't know until halfway through whether or not you're actually going to read the word horror. That's true. I breathe a sigh of relief every time I'm halfway through the word horse. That's true, yeah. You go, oh, this is gonna be so scary. I take a moment to mop my brow and take a big drink of water. You go, and at the end you go, oh, no, that's good.

It would only be scary to be in a physical fight with this, not the full thing is scary. It's all right, everybody. He was just confronted by the appalling specter of unimaginable horse, not unimaginable horror. Everybody calm down. What kind of disagreement do you think you could have with a horse that would lead to a like a physical altercation? Like, how do you think you could wrong a horse where the horse was like, I'm gonna finish you?

Wrong a horse. Let's see. What if you're like, I mean, I guess you could grab its young and sort of try to like, you know, like put it on like piggyback it, piggyback its kid. And so you're running around, you've got it's like front legs over your shoulders. Its back legs, you're running around you've got a front legs

over your shoulders it's back legs you're kind of like holding around and you and you're saying oh look at me I'm I'm a horse yeah I'm a reverse horse I'm a reverse I think you kick in the head for that repeatedly, I mean, risk hitting his own horse. I think reverse cowgirl to me, I don't think reverse cowgirl really is reverse cowgirl. I think that's just backwards cowgirl. I think reverse cowgirl, you have to have the horse on your back. Or is that maybe, maybe that's inverse cowgirl. You think, um... Um... Oh, well maybe.

I mean, let's see. Because then, does that make you the cow or the horse? If you... I don't think you're a cow. That's... What is the idea? Is that you're a cow. What is the idea? Is that you're a horse or a horse or a cow? Like a bull?

I think, I think. Are you supposed to try to buff them off? I think, uh... Oh, that's a rodeo situation. Yeah, well that's what a cowgirl would do. The kind of things that a cowgirl would do. Would attend a rodeo. Yeah. But if it's a reverse cowgirl, then maybe she wouldn't, you know?

Seems unlikely. Yeah, you think she'd be like at a... ...at a sort of a flower arranging conference. A conference, yes. In Japan. Japan. Yeah. Um, yeah. Um...

The... But like... Wait, a reverse cow girl.. Like is it a reverse cow? Is that what it is? Reverse cowgirl? You gotta forget this... okay. No, sorry. You wanted reverse cowgirl. I thought you wanted a reverse cowgirl. reverse cow girl this is why again punctuation is so yes and putting a lot of grass up her ass, I guess. She's stuffing it up. She's like, she's just putting, just filling up like all you can, like an all you can eat hay bale.

She's just stuffing up there. Alastair I think this might be our sketch idea for Farlap Heart Scam. Yeah all right well sorry Will Sanger but thank you very much for your words I'm gonna take us all through these sketch ideas for this episode. We've got the Burger King fun employee they're trying to crack down and the investigative team trying to find the cereal griller. That's Andy's pun that makes him feel bad but that makes him remember the sketch. A guy who dies and came back to tell us how fun it is to actually is to die. Don't feel you don't feel regrets it actually feels really good and it's better to die alone because your family harsher is your buzz.

Guy who tries to get regrets out of the elderly that are dying and really gives them a bad time, but it's the only time the elderly get listened to. So they go for it. Sitting down on heroin feels so good. It's just actually somebody sitting on a block of heroin. The My Wife Church, and her name is Ema. I've spelled it with two E's and then an A.

It's just a guy who promises that if you dedicate yourself to his wife, she will love you forever. And then there's a super, a real life superhero. It's a guy who shoots his own blood from his wrists as long as he has some still in him. We have the donkey pronouns or he haul. We have workout which bits of clothing are necessary for business success by taking them away. Then we have the bucking a reverse cow girl, and then we have reverse cow girl.

Then listening back to that, I thought there were, there were more highlights. There may have been, I may have just not written them down. Yeah. You ready to go? down. Sure. It's fun. Yeah Ready to go I'm ready Alistair and I think we all here we go Thank you so much for listening to Anything Tank. We're gonna get back on track, we're gonna be so organized and delivering episodes on time and you know, in the manner that you deserve. Deserve, yeah. And we thank you for your patience and your tolerance.

Let us know a day of the week you like the episodes to come out because I think we need to have one set. Sure, sure. You know? Okay, we'll do that. Come on to the Discord, come and let us know. We can vote on who, which day of the week would be best for episodes to come out because at the moment,

we're just trying to do them at the last possible moment and before the week is over. And it's probably not the best way to do it, but we'll moment and before the week is over. And it's probably not the best way to do it, but we'll see. Thank you very much for listening. I agree. And we... And we... Love...

Love... You. See ya. Goodbye. Thank you.