Two In The Think Tank - 44 - "DAD BUNK"

Episode Date: July 29, 2015

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Hello, you're listening to Two in the Think Tank, the podcast where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. Alistair, how are you going? Handy, I am doing really good. I've got some... You're doing good? Like in the community? I have never done anything of any value in any community. What about the community of microorganisms that makes up your gut flora? I mean, surely, occasionally, you throw those guys a bone, so to speak. Oh, yeah. No, that's true. Them. And also, occasionally, I buy fair trade box of tea or something like that, or coffee.

And I feel like, in that way, I am doing good by giving people more money than they are normally capable of bargaining for. Yeah, it's interesting the way in which doing good has sort of been just like built into the capitalist experience. Everyone was like, nobody's doing any good around here, but people are buying a lot of shit. What if we combined those two things? And now you can sort of allay a little bit of your guilt by buying things which is the only thing that we know how to do in the Western world am I

right let's rise up no I wasn't look I'm starting to feel less guilt okay because of your favorite but don't you think that the fair trade thing then you should feel like you're doing you're doing good like it's not just about leaving guilt alleviating guilt you're actually paying more for something or sometimes less. I buy fair trade, but I only ever buy it on special. Yeah. But look, you're deciding where the money goes. Sometimes I steal fair trade because I shoplift.

The company still has to pay for those things. Exactly. Insurance pays for it. The more that gets shoplifted in fair trade, that money is still going to... Yeah. To... To fair people. The poor.

The fair people. People who are fairer than us. Oh, is that what it is? Oh, I hope so. I hope it's traded with whiter people. That's what it is, right? I assume. That's why I was...

It's part of the Aryan barter system. The fair trade. It's the same as buying Australian. We just want our money to go to white people. Oh, that's awful, isn't it? Oh, Jesus. Is that a sketch? I think it is.

I think, yeah, buying fair. A guy who thinks that fair trade has got to do with the fair skin of people? Yes. Okay. You know, people who are all only obsessed with buying Australian, do you think that if you imported an entirely migrant workforce and kept them segregated from the rest of the Australian community, but they were on the mainland,

do you think they'd be satisfied? Wait, you're going to have to repeat it? In all their lives? Yes, you're in the writing zone. If they would be happy with their wives? Yeah, with their wives. So wait, wait. With their good lady wives.

Let me try and address what I think I heard. So it's a group of people who are from another ethnic minority that isn't one that isn't represented in Australia at all. So let's say let's say like the Aztecs. The Pekingese. Yeah, okay. Is that a type of dog? The Dodos. The Aztecs.

It's the Aztecs. Okay, it's the Aztecs. We brought them from a different time. Yeah. Okay, so they've come here and okay, we've come here. And, okay, we've isolated them. That's why I think that's what you said. And then, like, I imagine it's either, like, in some kind of in-ground pool that they can't get out of. Like, you know, like a bowl with a mouse in it that's got a lot of butter that can't escape from the bowl.

I think the Aztecs would be pretty good at that. In fact, I'm pretty sure the Aztecs played sort of sports that were more or less based around that idea. Slippery bowls? I think so. I seem to recall something where they put a whole lot of people into a big hole, and then they played some sort of a ball sport. Really?

Was that what... What was that game with Cuba Gooding Jr., the movie? It's like Danger Ball or Money Ball or... The Rat Race? The Rat, no, it was another one. I don't think he was in Money Ball. Was Money Ball a sport? It just occurred to me. Yeah, okay.

Sorry to change the subject. But that stadiums, right, they're really an above ground hole in the ground. Yeah. that stadiums, right, they're really an above-ground hole in the ground. Oh, yeah. Like, people were getting uncomfortable about us, like, throwing them into a hole in the ground and making them fight. But what if we built an above-ground hole in the ground? You know, I think they do that, right? Because if you do, because, I mean, like, it makes sense that why would you,

why would you build an above-ground hole in the ground when you could just dig out, remove some dirt and you don't need as many materials. Yeah. I think it's a water issue. Like if it rains. The stadium would just fill up. Slowly fill up. And then you've got a below ground pool. Yeah.

And then where are you going to play soccer? Well, down at the pool. Yeah. Okay. Where are you going to play soccer? Down at the pool. Okay, so today is two and a half in the think tank. I'm not allowing that to be called that. This is two and a half men and a dog in the think tank. I brought my dog, and it just jumped up on Alistair. This could be the first of many canine intrusions into the podcast.

Canine intrusions. That's all good. I somehow put dirt on the sheet as well. Don't get that out of there. Are you writing something down? I was just writing number two. I thought that maybe you thought that above ground, hole in the ground was a good enough idea for a sketch.

No, indeed. And it was deeply flattered. Yeah. But there's nothing there. If you know that there's a place for it to go. But there's nothing there. If you know that there's a place for it to go. I think also the other thing about building, if you just dug the stadium into the ground,

apart from it filling up with water, is where do you put the underground car park? A deeper underground? You could build an above-ground sort of structure that goes around the below ground stadium. Yeah, the cars are up above. Yeah. And we're down below.

Like, you know skateballs? Oh, do I? Alistair, you're talking to the right guy. Because, yeah. Spent a lot of time down at the skateball. My thing has always been with skate bowls is that I think the bowl edge is too steep. Maybe if it was like a

perfect, and it's not really in the shape of a regular bowl, and I think if it was, and it was like less steep, I would be more inclined to try to take up skateboarding. Yeah, but you realize that you wouldn't be able to do any of the coolest tricks, right? Because all you wouldn't be able to do any of the coolest tricks, right?

Because all you could do is sort of scoot around inside this bowl, but you couldn't jump up over the lip. Because if you did, you'd just be launching yourself out into space, right? Yeah, but I think that would be more of an even playing field. Nobody can do any cool tricks in there. It's just, it's all for beginners. You know, if we could turn skateboarding into a beginner's sport. That's true. Skateboarding, I feel like, is a sport that is biased towards people who try or practice or are good at it.

Or at least we should invent a sport where nobody can ever get better. Why can't I get sponsorship to get out there on the amateur skateboarding circuit? Yeah, the beginner amateurs. The very amateur. Pre-amateur. Because I think even amateur makes it sound like you can do it. Yeah, and in fact, that's what the Olympics was, right? It was like the amateur.

It was supposed to be like the amateur sports people who weren't getting paid. And they would go and during the day, they would be a jeweler or maybe a locksmith. Or they maybe manufacture balls. They're a ball manufacturer, right? And then they go have a week over in Greece doing the Olympics. Yeah, Greece. But that's not the way it works anymore. And it's all people who are very, very good at the sports.

I think that the bowl should have grease. Going back to our greasy bowl idea. So all the immigrants are there. Are you saying ball or bowl? Bowl. Bowl? Yeah, no, no, no. It's different when I say it. It's bowl. Yep. Ball. no, no, no. It's different when I say it.

It's bowl. Yep. Ball. Okay, okay. Yeah. So this is a greasy bowl. Yeah, this is a greasy bowl. Yeah.

But because what you're playing, it's a ball game in the bowl, the ball will get greasy. And so it will also be a greasy ball game. Yeah, of course yeah unless the objective of the game is to keep the ball from getting greasy oh that's great you gotta keep the ball in the air can't touch the ground like have one hand that doesn't touch the ground ever at least and then you've or use your head that's true Or you wipe your hands, but you've got to have soap to break down the grease in your pocket. If you do get greasy hands, then you can wipe it on your shorts. Did you ever get confused between the Super Bowl and the Super Ball?

It's strange that it's the Super Bowl. Like, the big final game of Gridiron, a ball game, is called the Super Bowl. Yeah. I hadn't got confused until then. Well, now I invite you to go forth with Bafflement. But now that I understand it so well, I always just thought the Super Bowl was the stadium that they were playing it at. Is that the case? I don't think so. Well, then what possible reason could they have?

There's no bowling in the sport. I mean, if it was cricket, I would understand. Sure, yeah. Like with tennis, why don't they call it a Grand Slam? Why not? The Grand Serve. Yeah. People got that confused with a buffet.

Yeah. The Slam? Wait, what? Oh, the Grand Serve. Sorry, yeah. I came here for Australia's biggest morning tea. Yeah. But this is just a tennis fixture.

Well, this is... Also, why do we call it a fixture? I got that confused with a tap. I'm an idiot. I should have started the sentence that way. Then you wouldn't have bothered to listen to everything I said. I'm going to start walking in that direction

over there. Away from the confusing words. That direction over there. The direction begins elsewhere. I guess left is everywhere, isn't it? Except for right. I'm really interested in what I could come up with if it's just me by myself. Oh, this is a really...

That's a really inappropriate thing to bring up on the podcast, Alistair. Well, you're bringing in extra people, half people into this thing. I brought a dog. The idea for me is to get alone. I've got to isolate myself. I love that we get to the end of a conversation and you say, I'm interested in exploring a solo career. No, no, no.

Because I reckon I cannot add any clarity to anything that I do. And so I feel that's why I need other people. I'm using them to get clarity to communicate with them. Yeah, right. But just by yourself, clarity has almost got no meaning. Yeah, right. But, you know, just by yourself, clarity has almost got no meaning. That's true. Yeah. No, but, like,

for example, taking the Aztec idea we were talking about before, my idea was to try to come up with whatever I understood of your idea, which I think involved isolating the Aztecs in a bowl. Yep.

And then finding out whether their wives were happy. Their wives would still be happy if the Aztecs were isolated from the rest of the Australian community. Is that a sketch? Is that clear? Well, it's definitely clear. Within its own parameters, that's a very well-expressed idea. Yeah, I guess it's like it would be more like an experiment. So it's like a scientific experiment to see whether Aztecs can be happy in a bowl.

Without their wives. Oh, I thought their wives were there. Oh, their wives are also in the bowl? Oh, then they'll probably get by. Yeah, that's true. I guess that's kind of what... Their wives are just outside the bowl, and they're trying to climb up these greasy curves you've got at the sides.

Yeah, it's a bit Sisyphean. I think what you've built there is actually an Aztec suffering machine. Well, not if you've read The Myth of Sisyphus, where he concludes that Sisyphus... This is byphus, where he concludes that Sisyphus – this is by Camus – where he concludes that Sisyphus must have been happy. Really? Yeah. I thought that was the – that was not what I thought that was about.

Well, this is Camus' version. It's talking about what the point of all existence is. Well, it's about the biggest question. Why don't you kill yourself? Yeah. Yep. And anyway, it ends up with him saying, I think that Sisyphus would be happy.

Look, there's some reasoning, but you've got to read the 50 pages or whatever. When he said, why don't you kill yourself, does he conclude that we're all happy? No, no. Just Sisyphus? No. Look, you gotta read the book.

I've basically told you the beginning and the ending. The beginning is that there's only one important philosophical question, and that's whether or not to kill yourself. Right. Yeah. And every day you choose not to

up to this point. Yeah, in a way. But I don't think I do choose not to because my default state is alive. Yeah. Right? It feels like it's actually a lot of the time more effort and certainly a lot of the time more pain to kill myself.

Well, that's not necessarily the truth because it's more effort, but is it more effort than your regular life? Like, I see you carry so much stuff around. Oh, that's true. I'm a lugger. Is that harder than taking a couple of handfuls of pills? Yeah. And just putting an end.

Andy, I conclude that you must be happy. Oh, thank you. Like, if you don't even consider it. If you just consider it more than bother it. I'm constantly considering it. It leaps into my mind all the time. I should just kill myself. I should just end it all here.

Anyway, let's go back to now a new beginning. Sure. Away from the suicidal part and away from the Aztecs. Yes. Unless you had something else to say about it. No, I've got nothing else to say about the Aztecs. That was fine. That was a speculation about Australian-made goods that you completely misunderstood.

Yeah. That's fine. Yeah. All right. How about this? This is that you completely misunderstood. Yeah. This is fine. Yeah. All right. How about this? This is the thing I thought of the other day. All right. What do you think that the knife and the spoon talk about when the fork isn't there? Wait. Is this from that nursery rhyme? No. You think about the trio, right? The knife and the fork and the spoon, right?

I feel like that the knife and the spoon really don't have anything in common. And it's the fork that holds the trio together. And really, it would be like those friendship groups that really don't work when one of the people is there. And I think... So it's kind of like Elaine and George. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's like Elaine like elaine and george yeah exactly yeah it's like elaine and george without without seinfeld yeah yeah they've got they've got almost nothing in common uh because because well look so knife knife has cutting and knife and fork they collaborate on all sorts of projects yeah but also like knife is cutty and fork is kind of prongy and stabby a bit.

Yeah. You can stab with both. You can. You can definitely take an eye out. Absolutely. Fork and spoon are scoopy. They're scoopers. They're both pretty scoopy.

But they don't work together at all. Oh, maybe with pasta, if you're one of those weirdos. Yeah, that's true. But they'd certainly be able to compare notes, right? Yeah, maybe. You know who really wouldn't get along? It's chopsticks and knife. You know?

Oh, yeah. But I feel like there'd almost be a... At least there'd be a rivalry, you know? There'd be something going on. There'd be a bit of a frisson. Yeah, but I think... There's such philosophically different approaches to food. Yeah.

Well, I guess knife is necessary to make chopsticks possible. But chopsticks would never see knife. It'd be behind the scenes, because you've got to chop the food up smaller if you're going to be making a chopstick-based meal. Yeah, if the chopsticks are going to bring anything to the equation at all. It'd be like that movie, Japanese Story, with Tony Collette. Yeah, on the Japanese guy. And they meet in the outback. Yeah.

And they can't even communicate, but somehow they form this love story. I think that'd be knives and chopsticks. Where does spatula fit in? I think spatula would have the same relationship to fork as chopstick has to knife. Because spatula's often there flipping the burgers. Yeah. Getting the eggs moving. Flipping the steak.

Flipping the steak. Yeah. Although I've never used a spatula to flip a steak. I feel like the fork would be very intimidated by tongs. You know, like if tongs showed up in town. Does that make, why don't we just get rid of forks and just use those tiny pairs of tongs? I don't know. It's like having hands that you can get dirty.

You know what I mean? Yes. Well, I mean, a fork is kind of a little hand. Do you think that when the fork was first made, it was just like a... We just used a child's hand or a bird's claw. So you think that when the fork was first made, it was just like a, we just used a child's hand or a bird's claw? So you used to have to kill birds and you didn't have to kill them. Obviously, you could leave them alive and still attached and still just use their foot, their talon. Well, in a way, the fork and the tongue are kind of just two different

variations on the hand yeah the fork kind of looks like a hand right and it's got the fingers and stuff but the tongue has the grabbing motion of a hand and whereas the fork is is motionless is this a thing that you've talked about, about, like, using your hand just like a fork? Yeah, and just stabbing things, like, with your fingers. Yeah, like getting into the pasta and just wrapping it around your fingers. Yeah, I keep picturing sticking it into steak

or something like that. It would have to be, like, a thick old steak. No, it would have to be a really tender, like... You know, it wouldn't have to be like a beautifully slow cooked like I don't think you'd get your fingers in there Well, yeah, but if it was too thin you wouldn't be able to get enough purchase

because your skin around your finger, the end of your fingers isn't very grippy so if you just got it in like a centimeter it would just fall straight off. And then you'd end up just clawing at it. I think I would like to do a sketch in which the knife and the spoon have to hang out because

the fork is running late. I think we've got ourselves a whole Pixar movie. Oh my god, you're right. I think we've got ourselves a whole Pixar movie. Oh my God, you're right. Yeah. It's a... Yeah. So should I just write down as the sketch idea, call Pixar?

What about just one of those... It could be set in an office kitchenette, where they always run out of forks. There's always lots of spoons and knives, but there's never any forks, because people keep taking them for their... It's like that at the abc it's like that at the abc alistair works at the abc they don't have any forks and it would be like um like one of those post-apocalyptic things where like all the men have died or something and there's no forks yeah and uh maybe a knife and

a spoon who have nothing in common have to sort of team up and go and try and find a fork. Yeah. And then eventually they realize, I don't want to jump too far ahead in the movie or sketch here, they realize that they didn't need the fork all along, that you could sort of prong things with a knife, that you could just scoop things with a fork, or cut things small enough that you can spoon them.

Spoon them. And that the fork was pointless all along. Yeah. You can hold things in place with a spoon. To say that a fork is pointless is quite a profound statement, especially considering it actually has four points. Yeah. It's the most pointful of all the utensils.

Also, what happens with the... Could the spoon be pregnant the whole time? They're looking for a specific fork. Because it's the mother of its... The father of its child. You think that the fork forked the spoon. Yeah. The spoon became... But they never find the fork, right?

Yeah. But then, later on, she gives birth to a spork. And then that's like that bit in that vampire... Yeah, with Blade, right? Is that her name? Blade the Night Walker? Yeah, Blade. Day Walker?

It's like Blade, or it's like the other one that's like werewolves and vampires. And then they have that one that's the lycans and the vampires. And then they have the one that's the mudblood there, the crossbreed. Who's like a superbreed. And then the spork is shunned by everybody and only occasionally gets used at dinner parties where everyone's standing around. It's a little bit how this spork is treated. This is a bit like apartheid. Yeah.

Could this be a metaphor for apartheid? Apartheid. There's a party coming up. It's going to be... It's about a dinner party. They've got to find... It's like finding Nemo meets apartheid. With you...

Played with utensils. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to write that down. Utensils. Cutlery. Just cut... Yeah.

Where are you heading? I was just trying to come up with a really funny pun title for the movie that was based around either the word cutlery or the word utensils. But it's okay. It didn't work out. The dog is now on my leg. I saw the movie, I saw at least part of the movie again, The Party. Oh, the Peter Sellers film

Yes, where he plays an Indian man Yeah It definitely feels less okay Now But in a way he's not It's not like he's making fun of India Or Indians Just an Indian

Just the only Indian in the film. Yeah. Just 100% of all Indians. And he's, you know, he is also playing a bit of an idiot. Yes. But I don't think in it that he's, and look, and I'm not in a position to defend, but also the movie itself has almost no plot. Yes.

Other than a series, like he just walks to different parts of the party. Yes. And I think his shoe comes off at one point. Yeah. And it floats down the water feature, which is quite substantial. Yes. And then also I watched another movie, which was a Carry On movie. Yep.

It was still in black and white, back when they were still doing black and white ones. Were they always black and white? I have no idea. I'm not familiar with the history of and this one was was just uh a company that just started that that does odd jobs for people you got you got a job to do we'll do it yeah and then but then they needed some people to work for the company that'll do the odd jobs and then the next scene is at a place where people uh wait for work yeah or they're all waiting for work, but there's no work going. And then somehow they find that place, and suddenly the guy's full up, and he's got everybody he needs.

And then the whole movie is just based around... There's no plot again. It's just them going to different jobs, and it's kind of like sketches like that. So I'm thinking, you don't need a plot to make a movie. Yeah. like that. So I'm thinking, you don't need a plot to make a movie. Yeah. Well, I mean, is that kind of what

what Mad Max Fury Road is, right? Like, there's not really a plot. It's just they go to different places in their car and then different things happen to them. They're kind of like sketches, but instead of comedy, they have

cars. I don't sketches, but instead of comedy, they have cars. I don't know, but I think there was a lot. There was a thing happening. They were trying to overcome something and someone. This guy was trying to overcome the number of jobs he had to do. Was it the very first Carry On movie that you saw? I think that's the first full one I've seen. Was it racist? No, I don't think so.

There was one thing, a continuous thing throughout it, where it's just a guy who's talking English, but then just a little bit weird, and then they can never understand what he's saying. But everything sounds like he's speaking English. And then, but it's not quite. And that's just a thing that goes on for way too long, way too many times.

He just keeps coming back in. They go, I'm sorry, mate. I don't... And then I think at some point, they try and just say that he's Dutch. And then that's the last time you see him. But he's not Dutch. He's speaking English, but just doesn't...

The sentences aren't making sense. Is it actually gobbledygook? Like he's talking... He's saying words that make sense but the way that they're ordered are only like kind of sentences i can't quite work out the algorithm that he's using but i think there was a he's a comedian from a while back that was doing that and that was his only thing that he did wow and so they put him in a film once, and then he'd done that, and then he had nothing else he could do.

I think he toured around sometimes, did it? I think I've seen him before. The reason why I know that he exists is because I've seen him on a talk show or something like that from England. Right. Their tastes are much...

They're different. They're not like us, Andy. The English. The English. The English. It didn't make sense, but the guy built a whole career around this. They're definitely more like me

than they are like you. If they're not like us... I think if they had liked me more when I went over there, I would say that they were like me, but... They don't like you. No, I don't think...

And in that sense, they're not like you. Maybe. There could be something to that Do you only like things That you're like I think so yeah I'm trying to think of things That I like

That I don't like Money Chocolate You know Things that you're like Yeah I like them Because that's what I'm like Because I see myself Oh you know what I'm like Chocolate. Chocolate. You know, things that you like. Yeah, I like them because that's what I'm like. Because I see myself in them. Oh, you know what I'm like.

Yeah. Do you think that you see yourself in the Beatles? Not really. Other than, I think, that they were just a bunch of people who did things. Yep. And they did it until something was good. Yep. And then they released it.

Yeah. Now, I haven't done any of that. But I could see that I could potentially do it. Sure. And it seems like it's not inaccessible. Yeah. Like, they're a good version. They're like a version of us that does stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. But, like a version of us that does stuff. Yeah. Yeah. But like more. And better. But they're just dedicated entirely to it. That's a thing that I think about all the time, right? Because I'm, you know, doing some, I've got things that I want to be good at. Right.

And then I've got some things that I'm doing. And sometimes those two things line up exactly. And then sometimes they don't line up exactly but i do them anyway yeah and i wonder how much of uh the things that don't line up are actually detrimental is that a is there a scene in in that where it's a guy who is trained for something yep and he's in a department where they do that and then they get him to do the slightly not that thing i think maybe i'm not quite picturing what you're saying yet but i am thinking about maybe like someone who's very very very good at something right like they're an amazing surgeon or whatever sure and but they have something else that they have to do. Maybe a thing even that they really want to do.

It's like their passion, but they're not very good at it. Okay. Right? So like someone who's an amazing surgeon but really wants to be a painter, right? Yes. Or a violinist, right? Yeah. But they've got no talent at all for that.

And maybe how that plays out, like, on the world stage, whether or not people humor them because of their brilliance. But their surgeon brilliance? Yeah. Maybe surgeons are a bad example. Or maybe, like, okay, it's a hospital. Yeah. Right? The surgeons, the best, you know, it's like house. They're maybe like, okay, it's a hospital. Yeah. Right?

Someone's, the surgeon's the best, you know, it's like house. They're like the best in the world. Right? Yeah. Their particular type of surgery. Right? A patient really, really needs this surgery done, but the doctor also thinks they're very good at violin. Yeah.

Right? So they insist on doing a little bit of violin and everybody hates it and the patient where is he doing the violin around the patient yes he's like really insecure and needy about his violin skills so he insists on trying to do a little bit and everybody's like you've got to humor him just tell him it's good but he's also do this amazing surgery and know and also knowing where to do things. Yes. I think I was kind of picturing like a job where let's say the guy is a surgeon. Yeah. But he gets employed by a hospital that needs surgery done.

But they also need a lot of the surgery paperwork to be done. Yes. And so he just has to do a lot of that and then he's just slow anyway this is not a sketch this is just some things that people sometimes get stuck doing okay so all right like a he's like a uh maybe there's nothing there it's like he's a one-man band right but he's a one-man hospital he right? But he's a one-man hospital. He's trying to do everything. It just doesn't work out. But it's more of a sort of a tragic reflection

on the state of rural health care in this country. Or it's one man running a whole hospital. Yeah, a whole hospital. Look, I think there's a comic idea. It's a guy who's running a whole hospital. Yep. But what he wants to do is play the violin. And he's already doing 39 jobs.

He's the janitor. He's the receptionist. He's manning the soup. Okay? He's over there. He's the... I know they don't have a pillow fluffer, but he is fluffing the pillows because there are 150 patients in this hospital.

Sure. Right? But he wants, he desperately wants to learn how to play the violin. He just doesn't have the time. He's not very good. Right? And he's trying to manage. He's trying to squeeze it in.

So he knows he gets a 15-minute break. Yep. Labor law is still applied despite the fact that he's doing 39 jobs. So he gets his 15-minute break. He gets out the violin, but he's only barely eating, he's only time to eat, so he's cramming Doritos in his mouth. And he's trying to learn as well. Somebody comes by, hears the violin, says, mate, that is terrible. Do not give up your day job. Jobs. Day jobs.

Look, It's not quite a sketch It's not quite a sketch But I think you could write something down If you feel If you feel like You know Man trying to run an entire hospital By himself

Is a thing Or woman He could be trying to run an entire woman by himself Do you think Do you think The one man hospital Is maybe a web series? Yes. It's about the understaffing of health care.

I'm really sorry to say at this point that the dog has farted really badly. Well, it is pretty bad, but also my nose is quite blocked, and so I can almost not notice it. Great, great. I think I'm going gonna call it right now the introduction of this dog into the podcast has been a terrible idea i thought it would boost ratings you think so i thought having a dog up here people are gonna love this well we still don't know it's cute yeah it's you know it's uh it'll help us relax it hasn't done any of those things it's constantly walking over to the edge of the mezzanine,

making me think it's about to leap off. Yeah, well, this is what happens when you do podcasts at a dangerous height. Yes. With animals that you can't trust their instincts. Yeah, he kept looking over at the other part where it looks like you could fall through the roof. I was thinking about that. One man hospital. That's all I'm writing down.

Great. I think, look... And in the spare time he's trying to get a love life. I think it's... For some reason, one man hospital feels like a better idea than anything. You don't have to complicate it with the violin.

Yeah, okay. It's like life. You know, we've got enough things on our plate. Maybe I don't have to complicate it with the violin. Yeah, okay. It's like life. You know, we've got enough things on our plate. Maybe I don't need to listen to any podcasts about Marc Maron interviewing the president. Have you listened to that? I started listening to it. I've listened to it, I think, the first half, and it's been too political and not enough personal throughout.

Yeah, I think we've heard enough about the political Obama. Yeah, exactly. Have you listened to it? No. No. No, I haven't. it's just because i think at first he wanted to get him to address the uh the the shooting at the church oh wow just because he was like look i don't i'm sorry you know i know this just happened yesterday blah blah and then yeah and then they kind of started talking about stuff and then it's just that even when obama was talking about himself and i've only heard the first half. It was always still talking so much about values as a person and things like that.

And I was like, nobody really talks about that when they're talking to another human being about... But maybe he does. Maybe he is politics. Maybe that's all he is. Maybe that's what his life has been built around that's got him to that point. I think that's just his front. I think he's fronted. Yeah, you know? Like, maybe that's what his life has been built around that's got him to that point. I think that's just his front. I think he's front and... Yeah, you may be right.

Yeah. Although it was fun at the right at the beginning, he goes, he was talking about like all the pictures in the garage.

He's like, there's a lot of pictures of you there. He's like, I don't really think of them as, you know, pictures of me

because they're drawings that people have, you know, done and stuff. He's like, that looks a little narcissistic. That's really great, though. Can you do your best Obama?

What we need is to focus on long-term goals. I don't even know what kind of things he says or how he says them. What we say, what we say. We do what we do. I got another. I've got no Obama game. You were much closer than I was and you gave up much earlier. Keep going. Oh.

Explain to me what you had for breakfast. Sometimes I eat bagels. Sometimes I eat sandwiches from the train station. Smoothies. Open-faced sandwiches. Look, it's not Obama. I can't We gotta get back to sketches

Wait it's a guy who's an Obama impressionist Yes No wait So it's a guy who's a Tony Abbott impressionist Great keep it local But then We get invaded by China

And he has to start doing But then, we get invaded by China. Yes. And he has to start doing... Yes. Where are you going with this? Xi Jinping. Right. And so then he's trying to figure it out. Yeah.

He's trying to get down. He's trying to get it down because all he knows is impressions. And there's a huge new market that will really get it, much bigger than the Australian market. He's trying to crack... He's an impressionist. He's trying to crack the Chinese market.

Yeah. So all he's... They have a lot of impressions over there, but none of them are very good quality, in his opinion. Yeah. So all he's... They have a lot of impressions over there, but none of them are very good quality, in his opinion. Yeah. From what he can tell. He doesn't speak Mandarin or Cantonese. But he's got the...

He's very good at getting the rhythm. But wait, are you saying that we're not getting... He wasn't... We weren't invaded by China? We can still be invaded by China, if you like. Okay. What about... There's a world government that's been put in place.

I... what about, okay, Australia gets invaded by China. There's a Tony Abbott impersonator, right? But, you know, with this invasion come a lot of

Chinese immigrants and what, what was the, what was the, what's the name of the president of China? Look, I'm not, there's a possibility it's Xi Jinping.

Right. So there's a Xi Jinping impersonator that comes over, right? Tony Abbott's still there as a puppet government, right? But there's also Xi Jinping. He's here and he's got his own impersonator. And this rivalry develops between the Tony Abbott impersonator and the Xi Jinping impersonator. It is a microcosm of something.

They just get really angry. There's a competition to see who gets invited to various events to impersonate various leaders. So what are microcosms? Microcosms is like a small version of something. So, like, philosophers used to think that the human body was a microcosm of the universe. Like... Yeah, basically made small cosmos.

So it's like a smaller... Like, as if... So it's kind of assuming that the universe is fractal. In that within... Yeah. Within the universe that is shaped like a big human body, there are other little things that are shaped like humans' bodies. Yeah, yeah. Or you could say that, you know, the primary school is a microcosm of society at large or something, you know, and that there's these power struggles and there's currencies and interactions and so forth. I see. And so when these two men interact, Yes. this Tony Abbott impersonator

and the Chinese leader impersonator, Yes. because it's a possibility I've completely fucked up the guy's name. It's like China and Australian governments interacting. In a way. But then if he's a puppet government, is he more like what the royals are now in England

or is he more like just doing what they say? I think he's doing what they say. Yeah, he's doing what they say. Okay. I don't know. I think impersonators of different nationalities having some kind of pointless battle could in some way be funny. Well, where is there a conflict between those two guys?

Well, they live next to each other. Oh. Yeah, they're neighbors. Because they got invaded, every second house now belongs to a Chinese person. Yeah. This whole conversation feels like it could be hugely racist. Is it?

I think, you know... This is a what if. The ease with which we slip into discussing a Chinese invasion, like it's a fait accompli. No, no, I don't think it's going to happen.

No, I don't think it's going to happen either. No, but I'm saying what if. You know? Because I used to read Marvel what if comics sometimes. Really? What if Daredevil had blue shoes?

Was that genuinely? No, that wasn't a real one, but they did have some. Because he wouldn't be able to tell. That's the one thing Daredevil can't do, his color. It's very possible that he would put on blue shoes one day without realizing. Well, how did he always dress in the same color? How did he always have all parts of his body matching like that?

If he was getting dressed blind, was he echolocating the color? Yeah. Mmm, beige. Do you think different clothes... I'm jumping around a lot, and I think it's because of the amount of coffee I've had today.

That's fine. Do you think echolocation, you could make out color with it? I've had today. That's fine. Do you think echolocation, you could make out color with it? I think definitely not. So sound doesn't travel at different speeds through different colors?

No. Next question. Okay. You've got a big blue prism. You've got a big red prism. Yep. It might travel at different speeds through them but the way that it reflects off them isn't going to matter and also it's going to be more specific to like the molecular composition than it is to the color right and so what daredevil if he were able to do that somehow would have to know every single chemical compound in existence,

and then know its corresponding colour. And even then, if it was covered in paint, it wouldn't work. Well, you know, but there's a lot of chemical compositions in the world, right? But it would be like learning the alphabet. I mean, the Chinese alphabet has that many characters, probably as many as there are chemical compositions in the world. A number of molecular structures. Sure.

So it would be like learning Chinese. Okay. But then also, things can be colored something just because of the color of the light. And he can't hear the color of the light because that would just be seeing. If he could hear the light, he would just be seeing alistair with his ears yeah but he wouldn't could you just put eyeballs in your ears okay ear balls ear balls how about this it's vision for your ears you have to lose your sense of sound though your sense of sound i am speaking of ears i saw a video yesterday of a man getting a huge chunk of earwax pulled out of his ear you watched and it's haunting me yeah it was on a website okay how did you get to it? I saw it on a news...

There was a list of, like, news things, and it was there, and I couldn't not click on it. I think I saw it somewhere, and it just said that it was hugely satisfying, right? The headline? I didn't find it satisfying. I found it traumatizing,

because I can't stop thinking about this guy's life and, like, what must have been going on and how did he not know but and could that happen to me how do you know that you don't have that much wax in you because i'm constantly poking things in my ear that are way too small and just like scraping them around i know but often what that does is it just mashes the wax up against the side of your ear not with the things that i'm pushing in there man i think it does no no. No, no, no, no, no. I'm scraping. I am gouging.

I'm doing bad work. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm getting it out. Are you sure? Yeah. I've never been more sure of anything. No.

You haven't? Because I'll make you feel better. Yeah. I watched a video of a guy get a big cockroach taken out of his ear. And that it had been lodged in there in the wax for a long time.

I've also seen a guy get a black head out of his face that had been there for like 25 years. And so it was like half a centimeter thick. And it left a big hole. And you could see his... No, you couldn't see anything in his face, but we just... Like, seriously, you reckon half a centimetre, like wide?

Yeah, wide. Oh, my God. Left a big gaping hole. And that was a pore. That used to be a pore. Hang on, was it his mouth? No. Could have just been his mouth.

Did he just have something in his mouth? Did you see a man take something out of his mouth? Alistair, did he just open his eye? I think it's like the equivalent of somebody pushing a baby out of their vagina but over 25 years and instead of pushing it out, you're putting dirt in there and making a baby

wait What is it about those videos? Why can we not stop thinking about them? Well, I think what they're appealing nature is that there's a real resolution at the end. That the guy would be, his life is way better. Yeah, it's like Star Wars, right? But if the Emperor Palpatine was like just pus. Yeah.

Right? It's just a very short version of Star Wars. He's just a pus inside on a boil on Luke Skywalker's buttock. Yeah. Like that. They should do a version of that because they did a thumb version of Star Wars

where all the characters were thumbs. Yeah. They should do a Star Wars version where just everybody's human except for Emperor Palpatine who's pus inside of Luke Skywalker's boil. Yeah. Danny Boyle can direct it. Danny Boyle. Directed by Danny Boyle. That. Danny Boyle can direct it. Danny Boyle. Directed by Danny Boyle.

That is a filmmaking challenge. Darth Vader will be a blackhead. Great. Oh, my God. He's still got the black helmet. That is so apt. Yeah. I'm amazed they haven't made this already.

What do you think that that Boyle and that blackhead would have to say to a spoon. Do you ever wish that there was something that you could use to squeeze pimples more effectively? Like a kind of an implement? Because, like, sometimes you feel like your fingers aren't good enough to get the grip that you need. I don't really squeeze pimples. Oh, well, you're very good then. You probably don't get them. You've got very good skin. I never see you with pimples.

But I kind of also let another person do it to me. Oh. But I used to get a lot of pimples. But what kind of implement are you talking about? Like a kind of a tweezers, right, but without a sharp end, but with just sort of a little rounded end, but maybe a little slightly rubberized as well. Like tongs? Yeah, but with just like tiny fingers, right?

Just like tiny, wide fingers, like tongs, yeah, that you could use to squeeze pimples. But also they don't close like tweezers. I reckon if they closed sort of like a cigar end cutter. But instead of like having a sharp edge, it had like a rubbery, lifty edge. Yeah. Like that. I mean, it's disgusting. So it's the story of the guy

Who invented that And is trying to sell it to the world It's just a better way Of pimping Pimping pimples Popping pimples Pimple popper It's the pimple popper

And it's Pop's pimple popper And you know what? I reckon that guy would go bankrupt. Is that like a shark tank kind of thing? But it's just like a really gross one? You know shark tank? That thing where people come out and they pitch their ideas? Yeah.

And then the people generally say to them, well, look, you haven't really sold enough things yet for us to see that this actually works. And so, therefore, we're not going to invest with you. Yeah. Yeah, but it takes them much longer to say that. I would like to see this man pitching the pimple popper. He comes out and this guy's got all these big disgusting pimples on him. And he starts squeezing them

in front of these people. Maybe they're vomiting a lot. Like the Shark Tank people? The Shark Tank people are vomiting because it's so repulsive. Yeah. The tank starts to fill up. I think a Shark Tank thing in which the thing that the guy pitches is truly repulsive

and horrifying, I think it's quite funny. All right. I'm going to write it down, but it's undefined. It's undefined. Okay, sure. I think some kind of pimple popper is quite a good one, right? Right. There's a guy that he met down at the dermatological clinic. He just loiters around dermatological clinics to meet people who need to have better... Well, I think in the end, maybe one of the Shark Tank people is actually a dermatologist yep you know that's where

he made a lot of his money sort of like Jeffrey Edelston was a doctor so weird but um but but then

you realize that popping pimples isn't the best way to deal with them and so they don't buy his idea because of that it's actually detrimental because it leaves scars I hear to deal with them. And so they don't buy his idea because of that.

It's actually detrimental because it leaves scars. I hear. I hear. And it makes it more likely that you'll get more pimples in the future. More likely. I think. This guy is selling a bad product. It's a dud. It's going to make the world a worse place.

Jeffrey Edelston. Yes. Is he bankrupt? Well, I think he went bankrupt in the US. place. Jeffrey Edelston, is he bankrupt? Well, I think he went bankrupt in the US. Right. And so I don't think that means he was bankrupt here. So does he still have business interests over here? He owned a lot of clinics.

Like medical clinics, right? So we could still be attending medical clinics that are owned by Jeffrey Edelston? He invented the super clinic, like the clinic that goes for 24 hours a day and stuff. It's just so weird. Because he seems to be perpetually failing. Right? Like I'm always hearing things about how he's... He has no expression on his face always, like ever.

So in all those photos of him with Gabby Greco, it always looks like he's haunting her. This is what somebody else said that around me. But it just looks like he's just behind her. It's like he just... She doesn't even necessarily know he's there. He just sidles up into every photograph. He's just photobombing her life.

He's lifebombing her. He's lifebombing her, but also supplying her income. That's a funny concept, the idea of someone who's a lifebomber. And this is the thing that happens, right? People who are just like, wherever you go, they're just kind of there for some reason yeah they just kind of ruin things i've had people who i just keep bumping into and it's like i think they want to be my friend maybe but i just don't like them a bad neighbor can kind of be like a life bomb because yeah like because all your

meaningful moments they're kind of just always within 25 meters. I do like the life-bombing idea, and I've written down life-bombing. Oh, written down life-bombing. Yeah, because I do like that a lot. Thank you. I think that's the kind of thing that they could talk about

in like a Clerks-type movie. Yeah, yeah, that's a... You could riff on... Life bomber, man. You know? Yeah, that guy. That guy, he's a life bomber. Yeah. I stink palmed him before.

Yeah. Just come up with some cool words. Yeah. Stink palm was a really good one, though. Yeah. You walk around with your hand in your crack for half an hour and then you shake their hand.

You shake somebody's hand. Yeah. And they can't get that off. Yeah. But that's what you can do to somebody who life bombs you. and then you shake somebody's hand and they can't get that off. Yeah, but that's what you can do to somebody who life bombs you. Stink palm them.

Yeah. I'm going to allow us to go for one more idea. Sure, because some of those middle ones were, let's call it subpar.

Let's call it subpar. I'm calling it below par, which in golf is good. Yeah. That's weird. Yeah.

I don't know why. I guess it's kind of in the same way that to admit that you're above par would mean that you're kind of bragging. And so that means you're arrogant and pride is a sin. So therefore being above par is bad. Above par is when you have a bunk bed and your dad sleeps on the bottom bunk. Imagine that, right?

Imagine sharing a bunk bed with your dad. Do you think you'd let him have the top or the bottom bunk? Because power dynamic-wise, you'd think you'd have the top, but he's probably older and might need to go to the bathroom more often, so you should probably give him the bottom. But I would feel weird sleeping above my dad. Really? You wouldn't feel weird with your dad above you? I'd also feel weird that way.

Yeah, because also dads are heavier, generally. Generally. I'm not heavier than my dad, but... So... I think that they would stay down at the bottom because they're older and climbing tiny wooden ladders. Some of the tiniest wooden ladders. Yeah.

And the beds are so, like... Have you ever been getting up on a bunk bed and you can really feel, like, the far two bottom legs lift off the ground as you pull it up? Yeah, that's right. Because you're putting quite a lot of weight on one side of a very narrow wheelbase or whatever you'd call it. Yeah, wheelbase. Wheelbase. That's what I'd call it.

Leg base. Yeah, no, but I drive a bunk bed. Four-door hatch bed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I think the subpar idea... I think I'd probably take the mattress off, right?

Yeah. And put it on the ground. And I'd let my dad have the bottom bunk and I'd sleep on the ground. Really? Yeah. But then he might step on you. My dad's not going to step on me. Why not?

He's my dad. He doesn't blunder around like some, you know, Neanderthal. You know, but it's still not, you shouldn't really let like, you shouldn't let a baby sleep in a bed with two full grown adults because there's a big chance that you'll roll over on it and crush it. And in the same way you don't sleep on a mattress at the foot of your dad's bed because he might fall and crush you. And you're very fragile in this thing.

And even if he doesn't crush you, he might still just sort of lie on top of you in a way that no one ever does with their dad. Yeah. And who, like, do you think people wrestle train with their dad? Oh. Wrestlers, probably. Yeah, they definitely would have.

Families of wrestlers. Yeah. Yeah. Look, in some families, it might be more okay to lay on top of your dad, or have your dad lay on top of you, than anybody else lay on top of you. That's true. Yeah. Also, today I saw a clip of Nicole Kidman.

This is from the first time she went on Kimmel. Yep. And she's walking out, and for some reason Kimmel's all taped up and Matt Damon is hosting. Right? But Kimmel's taped up and he's kind of like in the background

on a chair. And as she comes out, the headline said that she does a dirty lap dance on him. She walks over to him. She kind of looks like she's getting the idea as she's walking out. And she goes out there and she kind of puts one leg over his

sort of extended legs that are taped together. But then she kind of just does like a thrust over him, but quite a low thrust. I guess like you would normally picture a man doing to a woman. Right. And then she kind of got off and kind of laughed and stuff. I think it was an improv, and I don't think it went that good. Because there wasn't any kind of like circular motion for it to be more lap-dancy. This kind of looked like she was actually just kind of riding him properly.

And it was like, oh, that was too revealing. Yeah. Like, you think you just got a glimpse of how Nicole Kidman does sex. Does sex, yeah. And it was like, yeah. Yeah, because any kind of lap-dancy kind of stuff is not really how you do sex. No, it's sexier than sex. Yeah, right.

Yeah. It's like it takes out all the... In theory. It takes out all the bits of sex that are almost too confronting. The reality of it. All the bits of sex that are just kind of mechanics. Yeah. Just kind of like getting stuff done.

Yeah. Exactly. And then it just it makes it more interesting and sexy. Are there any other like things that a strip club

could be right? That like needs that people have satisfied where they want actions performed that, you know, normally you would do with someone else in your life. Okay, sorry, I'm talking in very general terms here, right? But where you could go and you could watch someone sort of simulate an activity on you or near you, but it's not

actually that activity and you're not allowed to touch them. Well, that's kind of what the food channel is, was seeing people cook. Yeah, right. You know, but you never get to eat it. Yeah. Do you think... Just like somebody will mix in a bowl in front of you? Or like, you know, if you go to a...

But then like if you went to a Jamie Oliver live show, right? And there was no touching. That's right. There was no touching the food. Or like, you know, if you go to a, but then like if you went to a Jamie Oliver live show, right? And there was no touching. That's right. There was no touching the food. Or Jamie. Or Jamie. Yeah.

Yeah. And he's up there doing it. Or the, You just go there to get hungry. Yeah. You could go to a private room.

Maybe it'd make you some teppanyaki Or go to like an oxygen tank Where there's like trees No wait, it's like you go to a place where there's loads of like Trees filtering oxygen But then it's behind glass and you can't get to it You go to a strip club You're not allowed to breathe it

But the women simulate having babies instead of doing this. Like, it's the end part. But you don't get to. Result of sex. But you don't get to. Cuddle the babies. You don't get to change their nappies. Yeah, you don't get to cut the cord.

You don't get to hold them. They, I think that's an idea. Yeah. It's an awful idea. get to hold them they i think that's an idea it's an awful idea but uh but yes uh a gentleman's club where they dirty cars and you don't get to wash them i think the baby's one okay because it's still to do with a sexy thing right but it's more like consequences it's like a consequences club. Make it clearer for me. Okay.

So at a strip club, you go there and they sort of do sexy things that simulate the act of sex and get you titillated, right? At a consequences club, you go there and the women simulate having the babies as if you had had sex with them, right? Yeah. So the babies, they pretend to have babies. Maybe they pretend to look after the babies a little bit, right? And guys sit around and watch. Like they would do. And tip them. I think that's what just a lot of the time for a lot of guys is what having a baby is like.

Yeah, okay. I'm writing it down. Consequences. Thank you. I think there's something there. It could be right next door to the strip club, right? So after you've been to the strip club, you get all in the mood for sex, and then you go to the Consequences Club, and you're like,

if you need to cool down after the... Oh, I see. So it's not to make you horny. No. No, no, no. I know. I do that. All right.

Well, I'm going to go through the things that we got today. Sure. We got guy who thinks fair trade is buying for fair-skinned people from fair-skinned people. The fork is away, and then it's just a spoon and the knife. And then it's sort of finding Nemo meets apartheid. Apartheid. And it's basically, uh, that what would the spoon and the knife have to talk about?

Probably nothing. I think, but I think the journey that they go on is also interesting. Yeah. And I think they'd find out that sometimes they both get used, uh, as a vehicle for transporting Nutella into mouths, directly into mouths. Oh my God.

That's so true. Yeah. Uh, the oneman hospitals. We'll always have Nutella will be one of the lines in the play. We'll always have Nutella and peanut butter. And in Andy's case, mayonnaise, but let's not talk about that. Oh my God, Andy, now that I can't get out of my head.

It's brutal. It's basically a mouthful of pus. One-man hospital, shark shark tank pimple popper. The life bombing. This guy just always appears in your life. They're constantly. Subpar is good, not bad. Or, explain.

And then also it's got dad sleeps on bottom bed. Anyway. And then, that wasn't a really full idea, but, and then Consequences Club. You gotta cool off after Strip Club. Yeah. I reckon Amy Schumer would do that. I'll send her an email.

Yeah. Yeah, but that show also, you know, it made me feel good. If you wanna feel good about how much, how good that show seems to be from some of the sketches. Yes.

Go watch a full episode. Oh, really? Yeah. What, you mean they don't put the bad sketches online? They don't. You mean the bad sketches don't go viral? Or they don't make the bad sketches go viral? Yeah.

So, anyway. Thanks for listening to the... ... ... ... ... ....................................................................................... See you. Thanks, guys. Goodbye.