Two In The Think Tank - 440 - "SUCKLING BEER BELLY"

Episode Date: September 3, 2024

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Fuh-pah-dee-da Fuh-pah-dee-da Do-da-da-da Do-da-da-da Hello and welcome to To In The Thing Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William, Charmily Burchill. Thanks for listening. That started out, I think, as one of my worst bits of improvised music. Yeah.

Then, just briefly, for a fraction of a second, I allowed myself to believe it was one of my best. And then I stopped. Hey Andy, there might have been a second there where you just tapped into, you saw reality as it truly is. Oh, maybe that's what it is. You saw beyond your own insecurities. And then you heard-

Yes, and I perceived a pure truth. A pure truth, pure music, as you were producing even the purest type of truth, which is sound in the form of music, organizing. In your series of science fiction, your science fiction universe, where people are able to travel through different spectrums, not just travel through time, but travel through quality, travel through brownness, travel through whatever. I would love to travel through taste. I would

love to travel. Like flavor,, tongue flavor? No, no, no, no, no, taste as in people's wherewithal to distinguish what's good and what's bad. I think that would be really exciting to go back into a version of reality where people have the worst fucking taste. That's right, I'd like to travel to America.

Yes! You did it, Andy, you goddamn did it. That country was already on its knees and you just took a cat-o-nine tails to its neck. They're not coming back from this, Alastair. Well, you know, it's just a whip, but it's like, you know, you don't even cut off their head or anything like that.

But they're gonna be in a bit of- Not many people are whipping the neck. No, I know, but they're gonna be smarten for a while. They weren't- Oh yeah, that's smart. A lot of people consider them a smart country until now. Hey Alastair, what do you think of this as a sketch idea? Right?

You've heard of the horse whisperer. Yes, I have. Everybody loves it. The horse whisperer. I can't be talked into a horse's ear and then makes it run good. What about this Alistair? The horse shouter.

Why would you get a horse whisperer when you can get a horse shouter? He could do it from the- And this is a guy. He could do it from the audience. Yeah, he could do it from anywhere. This guy, he really connects with and motivates horses by yelling and he's very explicit that he's very rude but god damn it he gets results. You should see this guy yell at these horses. He'll get in a horse that's

so damaged, so distressed, you know, that's been through all sorts of trauma and by simply yelling at the horse. Two broken legs. Through the power of loud sound, vocal sound. You know what the only problem is? This is the only problem with his method. Because it is so good. Oh yes. Not a problem with my idea. I thought you were going to say a problem with my idea.

No, no, no. I actually think having a problem with a character actually gives the character more things to do. It gives us an extra scene. Oh no, so this is good for my idea. Which is good for your idea, Andy. Is that when he yells at the horse often other horses hear it and so he's actually he's usually pumping up like

half the half the race too many horses yeah so what would he need to do would he need to get a really long flexible pipe just into the ear of the one horse that he's trying to motivate and he yells down that pipe yeah his powers work absolutely work but they work so well and but they're so loud and they're so multi like omnidirectional mmm yeah it's like a cluster bomb they've had to find horse motivation shouter whisperer who can get him to do To do like his to perform better in a more sort of refined accurate way mmm Maybe they could put like a that's great one of those um

Like you know those like I like a mute you put on a on a like a trumpet Mmm, and make him go like this. You're going to run really well. Yeah, okay. I mean that doesn't actually help keep it more controlled, but God, it makes it sound good. I like the vision of a... Maybe put his shout through a wah-wah pedal.

No, wah-wah pedal. Mmm, no wah-wah. I love the vision though of a horse running around this racetrack in a very important race with a long flexible pipe hanging out of its ear, tripping over all the other horses. Anyway, that's just me. Alastair, here's another idea, another horse related idea. I'd love to see a graph of how difficult it is to draw a horse, right? A graph of how hard it is to draw a horse versus height. So we're trying to establish a relationship.

Between the height of the horse or the height of the of the drawer or Or the altitude at which the drawer is drawing the horse None of those Like you know as if the y-axis is is how far up the horse you're drawing Right how far up how far vertically through your horse drawing you are, okay? So I'm assuming you'd start drawing the horse from the bottom, right?

When you're drawing the hooves, which are the easiest part to draw. I thought legs were always the hardest, feet. No, but that's the case, except for horses, right? Cause they've got a beautiful foot for drawing. One of the most eminently drawable feet. Oh yeah. Right?

And in fact four of the most eminently drawable feet that you're likely to get. And then as you go up. I mean that's amazing. That's like James Cameron having so many of the top grossing films in the top, you know, in the top five or whatever like that. Isn't it crazy? For horses to have all the top four most drawable feet is an incredible achievement. They very much are the James Cameron of drawable feet.

That's right, yes. The James Cameron of drawable feet in that they have all the top four. Yep, that's it, correct. James Cameron of drawable feet in that they have all the top four. Yeah, that's it. Correct. I'd love to see another graph, maybe a bar chart of drawable feet. Bar jazz? A bar jazz? Bar jazz? A bar jazz.

Bar jazz. Bar jazz. Bar jazz. Sorry. Okay, so the difficulty of how difficult it is to draw a horse based on height. How many dimensions could we get in there? You could get a bar chart of how difficult it is to draw all four of an elephant's feet, right? And the great thing is that they're all equally difficult to draw each of the four feet

And then once you've made that graph you could just turn the graph upside down and then draw an elephant on top and you're finished That is beautiful. The legs of an elephant looking exactly like this Stumps of a bar chart the stumps of a bar chart The stumps of a bar chart. The stumps of a bar chart. The stumps. Yeah, I mean, I guess they do. I mean, I'm amazed that an elephant can run, but I mean, within that kind of like stampy cylinder that they have, that they call feet, right?

Yes. And leg and foot. There is like a name. They are stumps, aren't they? Oh, yeah. I foot. There is like a name. They are stumps aren't they? Oh yeah, I mean they're more trunks. I mean, they're, I don't know. Go on. Like, but more like a trunk of like a, of a tree.

Of a tree, yes. Really they should call the nose the branch, shouldn't they, of the elephant. It's wrong to call it the trunk. It's really just. The legs of the trunks. Yeah. And the, the trunks. Yeah. And the elephant is really just a four trunk,

you know, movable tree. The four. No. You know what I mean? The Two in the Think Tank podcast? Not maybe. Too silly for the Four in the Think Tank podcast. I just read something on the Discord. Discord of the Two in the Think Tank podcast? Too silly for the four in the Think Tank podcast. I just read something on the Discord, Discord of the Two in the Think Tank and

it's in my head now. It was somebody in our Discord saying that they can't listen to the podcast when they have been affected by marijuana. Because, and I can't find it right now, hang on. Maybe it's not in this bit, it must be in this bit. But I think, and then it was Lizzie that said this. And because I go to nonsense too fast and you get too introspective too fast. And your mind is torn apart. I'm torn apart.

I was like, oh no, I just said something silly. I said some silly nonsense. Well, it's like being just like me. How cliche of me. Not to bring it back to spaghettification, but maybe we spaghettify the mind. Yeah. Right? By pulling it in two different directions too quickly.

Yours is accelerating towards nonsense-ness. Anyway, Alastair, there's one thing I despise about podcasts. It's the tendency of people on podcasts to talk about the podcast I'm very sorry. I'm very sorry. No, no, no, I can't believe I've fallen into your least favorite thing That's something we don't do on the two in the think tank podcast. That's wrong. No this the two in the think tank podcast All right, I'm back in I'm back back in now. No, Alistair, it's perfect. You're perfect. Andy, I didn't write down the height thing yet. Everything's good. I just... You couldn't bring yourself to write down a graph of how hard it is to

draw a horse. I can do it, Andy. I can do it. On the x-axis. I think it was maybe because I also had another idea during that and then I couldn't remember it and I was like, I shouldn't write it down until we think of my idea. And then we decide which of these ideas that we should write down. But then that seems rude. Okay, what about this? Difficulty of drawing horses versus.

This would be a really good graph, a really good graph joke for Tom Cashman to do. Tom Cashman does a bit of graph comedy, but you could do a graph, right, of all your ex-lovers, your former lovers, right? Versus. And all your Y lovers. No, which, wait, just wait, just wait!

Oh, sorry, Andy. All your former lovers versus the reason you broke up with them, right? So one would be the X axis, E-axis ex axis and one would be the y-axis w h y axis so you would you would have that you'd have the graph and then you would that would be your punchline I suppose this is the x-axis and this is the y-axis why w h y x ex axis's good, because that's a real twist on the graph joke. I don't know if you should be giving that away to anybody at the moment, Andy.

Because it's a great twist on the graph joke, where you actually never get to the graph. Never get to the graph. The joke is all about the axes. Nobody's put the joke in the axes. A lot of people are doing graph comedy. Nobody's doing axes comedy. A lot of people approach axes comedy, but they never reach it. We call those people.

Asymptotic. Assem Comics. Asim Comics. Oh my god. I mean, Andy, it's enough for me. I want you to know that it's enough for me, and it is not something in which you should die by your own hand about. Okay, wait. Can I just hear what the original description of the graph was? The graph... I'm gonna do a graph again. What the original description of the graph was?

The former lovers versus the reason you broke up with them. Versus reason you broke up with them. X axis and Y axis. There may be some further levels of comedy that you could do with this. You know, if it did turn out that there was a linear relationship or something. Oh, relationship Alastair. There's another word that pertains to... Yes, they could go hand in hand much like I did with my former lovers.

I mean, I mean, it seems if you had such a good relationship Andy, I'm very surprised that it would fall apart in the way that they all do. Well, it was, they broke up, they all, and the answer is the reason they all broke up with me was because of my graph comedy. Axis comedy, Andy, Axis comedy. Axis, Axis Comedy, Axis. What about a graph of the current weight? Yes, and the voltage. It's actually a really good idea. That's just a very good idea for a graph.

I don't know if anybody's considered doing that, but somebody should really graph current versus voltage. And I'm just talking about this and thinking of this for the very first time, I never thought of this before, but I'm predicting that the gradient of that graph would have something to do with resistance. That's my idea, I just thought of that then. Oh, okay. Well, there you go. Doesn't seem to work in a kind of pun sense, but all right. You seem quite resistant to this idea, Alastair. I'm gonna put you on my graph.

See, puns. And I'm back. I was not as accepting of it as I could be, yes. The audience is absolutely shitting themselves finding that funny right now. I mean, finding that clever. Finding that. They're sitting there saying, what? What?

What? Oh no! Alastair! We can't get out of here. That was real bad. That was, see, now they're actually... No. Now actual faeces is exiting their uranus. Oh, I thought of a really good piss and shit bit of comedy the other day.

Really? Yeah, yeah, I think I might have been on the toilet thinking about... Oh, I mean, what a beautiful place we could come to. Oh, this is what it was. This is what it was. Piss and was saying it's very relevant to the podcast. Yeah, it's it's um, it's cloacal based Yeah, which is to suggest that the sit down the traditional home based sit down toilet is really a Cloaca or reverse cloaca right in that pee and poo both go into the same toilet orifice. It is a two orifice to one adapter. It is yes returning yeah

that's right it's like a stereo back to mono adapter to allow you to plug back into the mono channel that is the sewer. But then I was thinking that we talked about the perineum majora being the other distance between the front genital and the back orifice. But then there's I think there is also what I would call the exo-perineum majora, yeah. But then there's, I think there is also what I would call the exoperineum. Yes. And maybe I've already used this term, but I'm going to repurpose it for the distance between the urinal and the, what do you call the sit down toilet? Is there a word for that or just toilet?

Toilet. And the toilet, the urinal and the toilet in a men's bathroom. bathroom that is a kind of a kind of exo perineum. I Made eye contact with my mom as I as I said that I like to think that she's been sitting opposite you this entire time but that's the only time I have the confidence to look up. I finally have something worth saying that I could impress my mum with. Oh that is indeed the exo-peridium. Yeah I mean I do like the idea of that and I will I will I mean I think the word taint certainly would apply to that region in many of the public bathrooms

I've been into. And with with regards to I mean the other day I was in one where there was water on the floor I went into and then I just saw an overflowing toilet and just shit on the ground and I was like I am standing in a I Do I do think about it because it because you know North America, it's not necessarily all like Australia in that it is harder to find public toilets It is harder and find public toilets. It is harder and I understand the risk. They've all been privatized.

Well, I mean, a lot of the time, yeah, it's more like you go into restaurants and things like that and you go and use theirs, but and even like universities and things like that, it's all locked because they don't want, you know, you got, it's all behind like, you know, card passes and things like that. Cause,

Oh, I despise this. I despise this. I know. I feel so unhappy thinking about it. But you can understand because, you know card passes and things like that because oh I despise this I despise so but you can understand because you know because and this is the joke you can understand because you know like if you just let you know I guess regular people off the street and I guess the people you know who don't have homes and things like that to go in there then you know obviously you can make a mess of a toilet and then it could smell like say the streets of Montreal you know that's really good that's really nobody wants that Yeah, sometimes you just want to, you just want to, you know, get through those barriers, get through those locked doors, find your way into one of those public, those, those

private bathrooms and just finally take a breath of fresh air. Yeah. Just to finally a little, a to finally a little From the from the horror the horridness of the the fecal covering Is it does it really? Smell bad. It's pretty bad. It's pretty bad in the CBD Is there a homeless problem over there or Or is it? Yeah, I mean, like, I think everybody, everybody I've, you know, I've spoken to about it seems to think that it's gotten much worse in recent times.

And I imagine that as everybody is sort of feeling that, you know, inflation and things like that have made everything has made everything more expensive. Anybody who has been who's anywhere near close to the edge must be in a horrible situation. And so I can imagine it's not made it easier for anybody. And so- I would like to just correct my phrase from saying, is there a homeless problem?

I would like to correct that to a homelessness problem. Sure. Cause I feel like the way it came across the first time was I was suggesting that homeless people were the problem. Sure. Because I feel like the way it came across the first time was I was suggesting that homeless people were the problem. Yeah. Whereas the problem I would like to clarify is the situation and the state of affairs. The lack. Sure. I mean it would I think the overall cost of existence is also is the problem not even just the lack of homes. I mean, that is also a big problem. The overall cost of just remaining alive

does not seem to be helping. And so that's why I'm trying to reduce the cost of existence by suggesting a way of reducing the size of all your organs. It's called- I think it's a great place to start. You know, why not don't donate half, half of all your organs now, sell them off maybe.

Cause I mean, if you can function on full, I mean, if they're all halved, it feels like somehow that helps, that would be better. I mean, would you Andy, if it let's say it halved your bills, would you get rid of half of your body? Like I'm not saying split it down the middle. I'm saying like each part is just is half. So like the thing you get half of half your finger

of each finger, half thumb, half an arm half a heart half you know but obviously like not through the middle where it's like one's the exit one's the exit it's just no no no no it'll be done sensibly it'll be done yeah yeah it'll be done in you know in a way that that you know functions one lung will get one central lung or or no, two half lungs, sorry. Yeah, it doesn't sound like it's hard for us to conceive of, but we'll get AI and robots to work out the most efficient way and the way to solve the problem. You'll be quite surprised, it'll be a very elegant solution, it won't be something anybody

else will have thought of, but they will have cracked it. They'll have solved the half organ problem. Yeah, and we'll get AI to do all that and then we'll just get trained surgeons to saw each part in half. You know? Now, trained surgeons or trained surgeons? Trained surgeons. I said trained surgeons.

No, no, I mean, Andy, you don't need to, we don't need to sort of talk about those details right now. What kind of surgeon it'll be? What kind of surgeon it'll be. We'll get the AI to work that out. And we don't need to see it written down. The important thing, Andy, is that there is a solution. Mmm. I mean, and we promise it will cut most of your bills in half.

Especially if you're a duck. Alastair, that's because the bill of a duck is one of its organs. Yes, or if you're a duck and you have a wife or a child called Bill. Yeah, great. yeah you're still a you're be a duck with a wife called Bill. I don't think you realized, I don't think you could possibly have realized how funny you would be when you said that. Well, Eddie, look, all I knew is that I was saying something stupid, you know? And, you know, on how many levels was it stupid? I don't, you know, I can't always keep track. It's exciting. It's exciting to unfold them all there, isn't it? Yeah, see them unfurl before you like a like a boundless vista

Boundless boundless. Is that good? Is that bad? Before you said that without bound Andy. What does that entirely mean? Because it's not just a jumping thing, right? It's not only a jumping thing. No, I think it refers to the bounds, meaning limits, Alastair, you know, as in the phrase out of bounds. That is not something that refers to like at school, you know, out of bounds. It's not something that would refer to when a kangaroo is too tired to continue jumping, as you so brilliantly put it.

It also refers to the limits of the accepted range of possibility. And when I ran. Honestly, I'm trying to remember something that I was excited about. I was knocked off course by the brilliance of your bills thing But before we said that yeah, we were talking about Half your bills if you're a duck nothing half your body. Oh

God Get your organs organs half a lung Have a lung on each side. It's a shame. It's a shame, I don't think I'm ever getting it back. Half a nipple. But let me tell you right now, it was probably about 30% as funny

as the wife called Bill thing. Yeah. Still worthwhile. Yeah. But worthwhile. Yeah. I mean, Andy, you know what? But at the same time. Andy, how about this? How about we just, you know, in honor of our fallen brother,

which I think we consider our ideas, our brothers or sisters? Yeah. Should we just have a little laugh about it and just, you know, in honor of it? And we just accept that it's gone? Yeah. OK. OK, in honor of it and we just accept that it's gone. Yeah, okay. Okay, let's do it. Oh, that's what it would have wanted. Yeah, I'm just thinking about it again.

Yeah, I really don't think that any animal has as weird a foot as the elephant. Like I mean, I do think, I mean, I think it is always hard to go past that horse foot and that it's like, that their hoof is like essentially the equivalent of our fingernail. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that is- But it's like if you put all your fingers together and then like a big fingernail grew across all of them, right?

I think that's sort of what's happening because the bones are still in there. The digit type bones are all still in the hoof. It's not just a bone stump. I know, I think that their leg, a big part of their leg is what is what would be the equivalent of our finger I Can't wait to accept your apology on this one. I was gonna feel so good. Okay, so let's see It feels so good. What is there just above their knee is their radius and all the Okay, and we have that okay at yeah

Just about we have that at our at right before our at where our wrist is so then okay Come on, I can still I can still taste that apology It's right. I feel it's slipping away, but I'm stretching out my tongue to get a lick of that apology Right roughly where their knee is this that's they have their all their carpal bones there I feel it slipping away, but I'm stretching out my tongue to get a lick of that apology. Right? Or roughly where their knee is, they have all their carpal bones there, which are all those ones in the base of our hand. Okay, okay. So then...

This is going to be so good. So then our middle... Our middle... This is where I would be going, oh no, I'm losing this argument. And then their shin bone, their shin bone, which is their cannon bone, it's their metacarpal three bone, which is our middle finger bone that goes through our hand, right? That's the equivalent of that bone. And then their their sort of like ankle height bone is our finger bone, like the base of our finger bone.

They're kind of they're one that joins. Oh, yeah. And then they're fucking. Yeah, yeah. Then they're then the one that is like like their foot is their kind of middle bone of the finger. And then their end thing, their end of their base of their foot is the end of our finger. Intermediate phalanx.

And then the last one is the distal phalanx. So they are running on fingers. On one fingertip. Alastair, I know it looks like you're right, but if you think about it in terms of geological time, I'm referring to the Hierachotherium, an ancestor of the horse that lived 55 to 45 million years ago. Oh, and you I think you're You're probably I'll look that up too. I think you're suffering from recency bias

Yeah, yeah, you're thinking of the equus right that that modern horse Sort of they say modern I say sort of newfangled. This newfangled horse. Which has only really been around for five million years. Which, yeah, I can see where you're coming from. And I'm willing to let, you know what? I'm willing to let this one go. Because I can see the mistake you made.

No, you don't need to. Actually, you don't need, you know I'm willing to let this one go you know what Andy because I can see that no you don't need to actually don't you made you know what Andy you don't need to let up here I can accept when I was wrong yeah yeah and when you were wrong was billion years ago yeah no foot yeah that's right and so you know what you were right about this one. That is, Avid Alastair, All Jokes Aside. That's going to be the new name of this podcast, by the way. All Jokes Aside? All Jokes Aside. I imagine there's about 50 podcasts called that. Yeah.

All Jokes and Asides. But All Jokes Aside. All jokes aside. You're completely correct and a horse, the idea that a horse is running around on its fucking fingertips is delightful to me. Yeah, that a horse is a hand Horses a horse is a hand. That's right. It's a it's a Simpsons hand. It's a four-fingered hand It's just a it's it's just a headed hand Mmm. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like it's it's what we think of as the torso of the horse is really just the palm Yeah, and right The the head is like maybe the horse is really just the palm. Yeah, that's right. The head is like, maybe the head is the thumb of the horse? I mean that could be the right that is

the fifth finger. That is the fifth finger. And it is probably the most thumb like of all the appendages of the horse, the extremities of the horse. This all checks out. I mean it makes sense. I mean it could be, oh no, but look, elephants actually do have five toes. They just look like cylinders, but they actually do have big, like they got the coolest big nails down there maybe that's what I was thinking of you're probably thinking about of an about an elephant Andy so you were right twice elephant I mean elephant foot I would love to see gloves made for an elephant. This is content. This is con but like

Cuz it like like, you know an elephant foot you never see an elephant wearing a shoe Hmm and they feel like they would be the most fun Animal to design shoes for. Cause they take their time and so they really, like you could really use them in a fashion show because they just really flaunted, they never move. I don't know, it doesn't seem that they unnecessarily move too fast

they only do it if you really have to what I love about the elephant's foot and looking at the internal diagram and the fact that it still keeps all those finger bones is that I like that the elephant is keeping its options open I feel like the horse has gone all in on this running on the fingertip, I'm gonna have a stump kind of thing, but the elephant, unable to make a decision as it is, prevaricating, unable to let anything go, is still keeping open the possibility that it might want to grasp things with its hands.

And in the future, it may wish to evolve back into a grasping, maybe even a sort of a creature that swings through the trees. It's unable to completely discount that part of its, of who it is and who it has been. I mean I wonder if their foot is not as calloused as I imagine that they always are from walking on sort of stones and whatnot. Whether or not like a fresh baby elephant foot could maybe pick up a stick. Just do a small amount of grasping. Yeah, just a bit of grasping.

Is that out of the question? You know? I mean, would it be so wrong to sort of take a few young elephants away from their parents and just maybe make them live, you know, maybe, look, I'm not going to say cut off their trunks. Okay. I'm not going to say that Andy, but maybe- God forbid. Maybe sort of just try to make them forget about their trunks and make them live a sort of a more hand dealer,

foot euler kind of lifestyle where they grasp everything. Well, this is like they used to do with left-handed people. That's right. They sort of smack their hand every time they reach for something. Which do you think is wrong that they stopped doing that? Smack them every time they reach for something

with their trunk. I really think they should bring it back. And I think that as a society, we should bring back the ostracization and the victimization of left-handed people. I think that's a funny position to take. Yeah, I mean, that almost feels like that's the last thing left for the Republican party

in America to sort of be like, I've started hearing about no fault divorce being one of the next things on their list to take away. And I think, I mean, the next logical thing after no fault divorce has been pulled back is to start striking the hands of left-handed people when they reach for things with their left hand. There is no limit to their lust for regression.

Yeah. And that will be next. You mark my words, mark them, mark my words. Okay, wait, I'll mark, I mean, I was literally writing down your words. I think that's what marking. Well, after that, I'd like you to give them a marking. Okay, 78 out of 100.

If I was the god of evolution, I would feel a little pissed off at elephants for me giving them this sort of five-fingered hand and them being so bloody-minded as to say, oh no, no, no, no, I'm going to pick things up with my nose. And I mean, obviously I would respect them. I would respect on one level their stubbornness, their bloody-minded determination to see that through and to their credit make it work for them. I'm not saying they didn't, but it does feel like a bit of a slap in the face. Absolutely. I mean, what a great gag, firstly, to have made a creature with five fingers that doesn't

seem like it can reach the ground with its mouth. You know? And to be like, no, no, no, this is just the life that I wanted you to lead I wanted you to lead a short life What do I have a long neck? Oh no no no you've got no neck at all as far as I can tell Yeah, yeah, they it seems to be very short from the bones that I'm looking at Well, I've seen these monkeys. They've got quite a prehensile tail that's almost like a gripping thing. Have I got one of those? Oh no! No, no, no. Your tail... It's like a little paintbrush.

There must have been some elephants that didn't, like some elephant style things that didn't have trunks, right? Oh for sure. That just didn't make it I don't know. You know somewhere between the tapir, you know somewhere between the tapir and the elephant. I don't know if they're actually related. Millions and millions of years of these animals that are born and all instantly die because they're unable to reach the ground to eat. They could only eat things that were height. Yes, and I mean, this is what I find weird. I mean, before the invention of the table,

the elephant really almost is a table, as far as I'm concerned. Oh, meat table. Meat table. The, this is what I think is strange, is that, wait, I forgot. Oh yeah, is that, you know like- Somebody should make a table you can eat.

Like why are we having a table there... As well. ...and that is at table height and then putting a meal on top of the table. That's right. The table should be the meal. You know what it should be. It should just be, instead of a table you should just have table legs. And then the meal should be the tabletop.

It's essentially like you cook it in a big sort of CD player style thing. Right? It's either the old style one where it opens and it's a tray or it's like a big disc that you just push in and then it cooks in there. Then it completely gray. Well, you know, rich people will have the slide-in one, you know, poor people will have

the old tray one. And then you just eat the table. I mean, edible table tops. I mean, this is, it just saves so much space. You don't need plates. You can get rid of almost all of your cupboards this is this this is sort of how Steve Jobs would do it right because he he hate he hated like clutter and and double handling you know those people who are always trying to

get rid of you know the the plugs the various that the headphone jack on your phone or whatever like it's crazy that they'd be looking at the table and being like, that's fucked. You should just be eating the tabletop. Every food should just come in tabletop form. That's right. And then you eat around until you get to the legs, right? And then maybe you eat into a, like a kind of,

maybe like a pattern that is in between the legs. And then at the end, the very last thing you pick up are the bits that are above the legs. So you kind of like, you know, then it should be, then it becomes a hand food. Well, maybe, yeah, maybe the legs are disposable. Do you throw the legs away into the bin? Well, no, because then you, every day you come back

and you place a new table top, no because then you every day you cook a table place It you place a new table top on top then you eat that. Mmm No, I'm just wondering if I could make it more wasteful. Oh, yeah, sure Thanks. Thanks for allowing that Alistair. How do you feel about? With the with the now that we've got gimbal technology so good. Yeah, it's gimbal. Yeah Now that we've got gimbal technology so good. Yeah, is gimbal, what is gimbal again? Well, those things that you do put cameras on now instead of a steady cam or something,

where it's got all the little servo motors and it basically keeps it all level like the head of a cheetah running along or a chook being moved around. Oh, actually I feel like we've already talked about this probably on the podcast. Imagine how stable the head of a chicken in the in the mouth of a cheetah would be Wow, I mean that's that's actually what I how I describe my mental health

You want to know how stable I am how am I doing how am I doing? Ever seen the head of a chicken in the mouth of a cheetah Yeah, yeah, that's how yeah It's a real flat line my life mm-hmm I don't feel good I don't feel bad yeah and you can't get better than that straight nothing I mean I guess you can definitely have feel worse but you I mean you can definitely have feel worse, but you, I mean, you guys could have a straight line way really high. So it's like, that's what some Christian people present as I feel sometimes.

Sure. It's a straight line at the top all the time. Really? I find it hard to believe. Sure. It's a straight line at the top all the time. Really? I find it hard to believe. Um. Yeah. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Alastair. Yes, Andy? How many sketch ideas have we written down? Oh, you wanna look at the sketch? Oh my God, I can't believe we've been going for so long. I thought we've mostly just spoken about elephant feet and horse feet. We have one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. I can't wait to hear what they are. I'm genuinely excited. Yeah. Alistair, you know what time it is.

Is it three words from a listener? Uh, yeah. Oh, okay. I actually didn't think it was going to be that, but um, yeah. Oh well actually, yeah, we do have three words from a listener today. Andy, I don't know if you know this, but if you support us for $3 on Patreon, you can suggest words from a listener. And that listener can be you. And today's listener is Emily Aubrey.

Emily Aubrey. Emily. And Emily. Hello Emily. It's wonderful to hear your name. What so wonderful. And Emily has sent in three words from a listener and I believe that listener is Emily Aubrey. And so Andy would you like to guess what those words are now? OK, the first word is backwards. Oh, it is actually distinctly not backwards. It is distinctly. Ah, distinctly. Instinctful. Second word is instinctful.

No, it's lacking. Oh, okay. Distinctly lacking. Before you say it, just think. Before you say it, just think. Distinctly lacking odor. Odor. Close, Andy, close. Distinctly lacking glory. odor Close Andy close

distinctly lacking glory Distinctly lacking glory. I mean that feels like a new hole they could invent in the bathroom. Oh the lack of glory hole Yeah, yeah, it's something where instead of putting your bits through or some bits come through, you could throw away something. I feel like, yes, you throw away something or you, or you, or you just sort of, people just look through it and see you at your most shameful doing a shit. But then maybe there's some people who would enjoy that and find that to be its own form of glory.

I mean, I guess if you got, if you used the sort of the plumbing that goes into your toilet from the drain in your toilet if you had that kind of mirrored like a fiber optic cable there would be a point in the sewer where you know if all of them were like that say some filthy king was getting putting in an aqueduct or something like that and or whatever, a new sewer. And he decided to plumb everybody's house with optic, you know, fiber optic plumbing.

Yeah, okay. You could then just sort of, I guess, swim through the sewer, looking into everybody's buttholes. That's reflectum in the rectum. That does sound like it's the Latin of... Is that what you were trying to do? I guess so, yeah. It's not a great idea, Andy.

Reflectum. Yeah, no, Alistair, don't say that. I think it's a wonderful idea. Oh, thank you, Andy. Thank you, Andy. That's all I needed. I thought it was pretty good, then I was like, well, no. No, but then you picked me back up and you dusted me off and you put me on your shoulders and you carried me around. You carried me around and said, no, that's good. And I felt simultaneously like a king and like a child held aloft by the love of its parents. That's right. Like a sick child.

Imagine that. Imagine inventing a king-king. Maybe it would be good to find out if all the kings in the world had another king, a secret king. Like there was one other king somewhere inside the earth. Yeah, could be. An inner king. I mean, I think that would be cool if like all the kings were themselves, they were like the peasants to another king. Maybe.

Yeah, what would that king look like? Well, obviously there's a big part of me that wants that king to have a hugely distended abdomen. Yeah, but it's a sort of a king version of a dad bod. It's not really to carry his offspring, but maybe it's one that they can sort of all bounce on when the big king is lying in bed yeah it's more of a play belly or something for him to slap it would be nice it would be nice for him to have something to slap mmm what about this, a beer belly?

Yeah. Oh, this is a great product. It's a beer belly, okay? But what it is, it's a thing that you wear, right? It looks like a stomach, okay? But you can fill it up with beer when you go to like a sporting event, right? And then all your, it's got little nipples all around it.

And then all your mates at the footy can come and they can suckle beer from your beer belly and you can smuggle it into the- It's a really good product. The suckling beer belly. All the boys, I mean, you know you you'd have to you you know You probably a relatively fit person with a flattish tongue, but you want to do something nice for the fellas Yeah, you pop on the beer belly you could fill it up with the whole case of beer

Yeah, you could get the premium pack like the premium beer belly with the fat back. Oh Yeah, sure, sure. A bit more room back there. Just fill up the whole fat back. But, and I wanna make it absolutely clear. There will be no sort of flexible extensi- I know I like a flexible tube. There'll be no tubes to drink from this belly.

No, no, no. You've gotta really get in there and you've gotta suckle from one of the teats. The he-teats. The he-teats, only there's he-teas. Andy, that's a beautiful idea, you see? And that's not only a beautiful idea, but also a very marketable product.

Thank you, and I think it is also a distinct lack of glory hole. Oh yeah. That I mean that that yeah that hee teet. They're sort of arranged sort of around in a sort of a semicircle the teets just below the belly button. I wouldn't mind Andy if there was only the two. Really? Yeah, I think that if it mimicked exactly the male, the male beer belly torso, beer bellied torso. What, you think you're suckling from the actual nipples of the man?

I think so, yeah. Oh, interesting. Cause you're seeing more of a dog belly. Yeah, I think I am thinking like a dog belly. But you gotta think, you're trying to get into, you know, you're trying to get into a sporting thing. And if they, you know, they look at your shirt and they see like an extra row of three nipples or whatever, like, you know, three extra rows of nipples, you've given away your thing. The whole point is that it was a great easy way of sneak on that to the football The moment I mean there's gonna when we introduce these there's gonna be a it's gonna be like uber when there was a distinct lack

Of regulation early on and uber was able to go into a lot of markets next there's gonna be a Honeymoon period where they aren't checking they aren't counting the nipples honeymoon period where they aren't checking, they aren't counting the nipples. I mean, maybe down the track, we're going to have to do refinements to keep, stay one step ahead of the law man there at the gates of the stadium. I think that maybe we can have the extra nipples at the beginning and then we'll make, we'll make concessions for them so that they can either become legal. But I think- I feel like it does need to be like a six pack.

You need to have six nipples down your front for you and the fellas. That's a good group. I think to have more than two men suckling on you at one time will really ruin the game experience. Because then you gotta have like, on you at one time will really ruin the game experience. Because then you gotta have like, instead of having just the two guys sitting next to you leaning in, you know, maybe you're cradling their heads with your arms,

um, then suddenly you've got a guy crouching in front of you while you're trying to watch the game. Okay, look, you know, sure. I think this might be the point at which we go our separate ways on this Alistair and we create rival empires. We become Budweiser and Budvar. Yeah, we're irreconcilable. I think now one of the challenges we're gonna have is what does the daddy drink? But that's where that's where

This solution comes in right? Because how do you drink from your own beer belly? Well, what you can do is you can get one of your mates to suckle some beer hold it in his mouth and then and then spit It back into your mouth like you're in a sort of reverse baby bird scenario. Yeah, I think that would be really nice you know or even just some of the maybe it has little spikes on the inside of the suit and Beer just slowly sort of drips into your blood into your bloodstream Yeah, well, that's good, too. They're both very good solutions Well, that's good too. They're both very good solutions. Both equally good.

Perfectly solved the problem. Well, Emily, I hope that you're happy with this beautiful product that you inspired. Emily Albrey. Take us through the sketch ideas, Alastair. I'll take us through. We got the horse shouter. Take us through the sketch ideas, Alistair. An idea I'll take us through. We got the horse shouter. We have the difficulty of drawing horse graph versus height of horse. We have graphing the former lovers versus reason you broke up with them.

It's the X axis versus the Y axis. This is the first instance possibly of Axis Comedy. Maybe not, maybe this is, maybe people who are doing Graph Comedy have plumbed the depths of Axis Comedy and we are just newbies in here thinking that we are treading new ground. Then we have the toilet as a reverse cloaca insight that

I think could lead to a, you know, lots of comedy, the exo perineum, the area between the urinal and the toilet. We have the half body solution, which is a saw each bit in half, you know, to, to half to have your costs. You've heard of the three body problem. You're gonna love the half body solution. That's right. Then we have bringing back the ostracization of the left-handed people.

I think it's about time. I'm upset that it hasn't come up naturally in the mainstream media Which I'm almost tempted to call the lame street media after that failure Then we have the edible tabletop and of course we have the suckling beer belly product Yes, notice that I didn't I have not made any judgments on paper about how many nipples that there should be. Thank you. We're like the elephant holding onto those fingers. We

don't want to come down to, we don't want to give up. We don't want to make a choice. We want to have a possibility of both grasping and stamping The two great joys. Shall we do the song? Uh-huh. Z we love that you, shall, shall do that maybe. Alistair, I better go to work. Do you have anything you need to promote Andy? Only, you know, peace and acceptance. All right.

Well, if anybody wants some peace and acceptance, then sign up to our Patreon and we'll both be peaceful towards you and accept you. We'll accept your money. And we love you. Bye! Bye bye! Bye bye! Bye bye!