Two In The Think Tank - 445 - "SPACE PRANKS"

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

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Footie Prime, the sometimes absurd and always insightful voice of footie. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Me? Yes. Yes, Andy? Oh, no, no, no. You said you'd let me do it, Alastair. Even when I'm being me in these little introduction bits, you can't help but leap in. You're not doing it fast enough, obviously you get distracted. I'm just here, I wonder why. I'm just here to say, tell me and anyone else who's pretending to be me in these introductory bits that I was recently on an episode of the podcast Reanimates where we talk about the films and television programs starring and featuring the actor Jeffrey Combs or Coombs I can

never remember which one it's always the one I don't think it is and now I don't think it's either so who knows it could be a third thing anyway hosted by the wonderful Lisa Dibb we had a good time talking about the single worst piece of media I've ever watched in my life a TV show called Marshall Law from the 90s and also I'm on an upcoming episode of who knew it with Matt Stewart so keep your ears peeled for that all right here we go business baby business baby business business business business, baby You can be my business done by a baby business business business, baby, baby How cheap would how cheap would business services say accounting bookkeeping that sort of thing

How cheap would they have to be for you can sit to consider having them done by some babies? Alastair. I mean... Maybe a... Well, I mean you gotta think about it so you go, well okay, now I don't want to have to pay very much for it but I also don't want it done or done well. You know? Yes.

And so you go, alright, well I'm willing to pay as low as you got. If it's free I'd get it just so that I could almost do experiments on the data that comes out of the babies mashing the keyboard. It's actually quite difficult to, in the film industry and various things, to get babies to work on anything. So maybe you could actually use that,

them doing that bookkeeping to film them and then sell it to Hollywood and actually make a profit. I'm afraid, I'm afraid that's actually the only rule we have here at Business Babies. No filming the babies and selling it to Hollywood to make a profit. That's the only rule.

Yeah, I don't know, I don't know. The babies made the decision. I guess that's why it doesn't make business sense. They're not good at business, these babies. How about this? It's a vending machine you can go along and insert your accounts into and they will do your taxes. But you start to suspect that the machine

is just full of babies. It's always gurgling and it smells faintly of vomit. There's just, you think that, you don't have babies in this machine doing the taxes, do you? You say to the man who stands next to the machine, squeezing little squeezy yogurt things in through a hole in the side.

You say to him. And his hands, he's just there. He's got like a baby wipes on his hip and a bag of nappy bags that mums and dads carry around. He's got a big... Business babies in there, are you? He's got a six baby pram. Mmm. Excellent. Parked there with a business baby said on the side, written on the side. Oh.

And little tuxedos hanging in there. They're business babies, they wear tuxedos, do they? Only on the drive home. They change into more comfortable clothes during business hours, which is why they don't let you film them. Right, because they don't like to be seen dressed down because they want to be taken seriously. As players. I'm sorry about this whole baby thing, this whole baby riff. Welcome to Two in the Think think tank the show where we come up with five sketch ideas Alistair had to get up so early in the morning to do this episode savings and so things have changed we've gone into the hellish

six months of the year more to be fair the other other six months are also pretty, pretty bad. Andy just told me that if I had just woken up from the 2010s now and I asked him what anything interesting happened, he told me he wouldn't have even considered mentioning the pandemic. And Andy doesn't even find that shocking. I have come to realize Alastair, that you and I had very fundamentally different experiences in the pandemic. Did we? I, yeah, I think so.

Because you were in the city, the periods in which you were actually locked down were much longer and much more intense than what I experienced living outside the city limits. Yeah, but it didn't like, it wasn't like something that was on your mind a lot? I have no idea. I don't remember anything that happens to me. You know this. Yeah. I don't recall. I don't remember anything that happens to me. You know this. I don't recall, I don't have a biographical memory. I remember some facts about some films and songs I've listened to and some scientific principles that I was taught in high school, but I haven't learned anything new and I am not interested in taking in any new information about the world.

Well you'll remember. But certainly not holding onto it. You'll remember that during the pandemic, and this is maybe why it's so memorable for me, there was a moment that I was going to start doing a podcast with you and I slid up the couch to go sit up against the back and the emotion of sliding up towards the back pulled my pants down and and I was already on a call with you and I thought I'll just do the podcast like this and I was just bare ass onto the couch then I mentioned it to you and you suggested I should pull my pants up. So you could see why I would mention it. Oh that's really good. Yeah and reminded me of

something that I was reminded of just the other day, which was the man who When he was meeting the new premier of New South Wales of South Australia In front of the news cameras his pants fell down in a shopping mall and just just one of the one of the the most perfect things to happen you know because you never want your pants to fall down but if you do you don't want it to be in public but if it does happen in public you'd rather it

wasn't while you were meeting the Premier and if it is while you're meeting the Premier you'd prefer that it wasn't the newly elected premiere who's being followed everywhere by cameras and if that does happen all of those things you'd also prefer it probably wasn't picked up for the comedy segment on the project and yet all of those things occurred it's really a nightmare scenario. Yeah but also I think I can really see it happening to me. I can really see it happening to me. I can really picture it happening to me. Yeah. Yeah, you know, it's like how, you know, sometimes you meet a kid and you're like,

this kid's gonna grow up to lead ghost tours one day. You can just tell they've just got that energy. You've got the pants falling down in front of a head of state. Yeah kind of vibe about you Andy today you're in a You're in a bit of a mood where you're like I can look at a baby and I can tell you what kind of job They're gonna do and I can tell you they could They're gonna start doing it right now Yeah, that's right

Babies and jobs. I like I like to I like to pigeonhole them. Yeah. I'm putting them in a... Oh that would be cool though if you go to the hospital and when that yeah like a little instead of like those crazy things because you know a baby loves to be swaddled Right, so then why not just have The bed that they're in be the swaddle already just have a little plastic circle that you slide them into Be so good so good Like a tube like like a test tube yeah well Oh, they're for a baby like a test test tube baby but it's a big test tube. Yep it's a big test tube and you can have like... Is that what you're picturing? Well I was picturing them just like pigeonholes and you just have them in the wall. Oh that's

good too. Yeah and the nurses could just like if they take your baby for a second they could just slide it back into the wall where your room is. It's sort of like a reverse morgue. Like a reverse morgue? Yeah. Exactly. They're just born. Right? That's what they've got in the morgue, isn't it? They've got those sort of drawers that they keep people in. Yeah. I think so. Sliding them in and out like that.

They're so well organized. I'd just have them all in a pile. You know, just hope that the toe table holds. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, drape him over a chair maybe. Yeah, just leave one on the coffee table as you come in or on the counter. And then you go, as more come in, you go, just put him over there. I can't tell him. Yeah, I'll get to him.

Well, there was a recent-ish episode, not that recent probably, a two years ago episode of Do Go On I believe, where they talked about this crematorium in America where just for several years they just never got around to burning any of the bodies and they literally did just have them sort of in piles around the place, just outside under tarpaulins and that kind of thing just this fucking horrible scenario We just didn't get around who just got overwhelmed just didn't what they just seemed to not Particularly be interested in doing that bit of the running the crematory of business. They knew how to take the bodies

They just didn't know how to burn the bodies. They didn't have... But it does sound a lot like the, you know, the way that like plastics recycling places are run in... Stockpiling. Yeah, and so there's a chance it could just have been like a mall business and they actually weren't running it.

They were just like, they just had a guy there waiting for things to arrive so that they could get the money but actually all the work stuff they were like we're gonna abandon this at some point but the stink Andy the stink oh I know Alastair the stink that is what would get to you I reckon but any anyway what do you I mean I realize it's already exists as a crematorium concept in the real world in America. What about as a morgue concept in the pretend world in a sketch? Yeah.

Great. Disorganized morgue. Thank you. Hmm. What do they have in the drawers? Just random stuff. Somebody moved my, somebody moved my Kevin O'Donnelly. Somebody come in and try to organise things that I used to know where my Kevin O'Donnelly was.

I had him just here. What do you think about this Alistair? It's the morgue, right? Somebody's looking for a body in some of the drawers, right? So they opened the top drawer, right? Yep. Nothing, there's a person in there, but that's so they open the top drawer right yeah nothing there's a person in there but that's not the person they're looking for they open the second drawer down oh there's a person that's not the person

they're looking for they open the third drawer down spatula role of role of clad wrap yeah some bread tags Michaelampson. It's a law of nature that the third draw down regardless of the context even in a morgue contains these kinds of things. And butter also, but you can also move it and there's like Michael Sampson's face. Oh yeah his face is there. Michael Sampson's face. Oh yeah, his face is there. Michael Sampson. I mean, it would be great.

You're very good at coming up with names. Look, if only, if only like this wasn't so horrible, but you know, like if there was like a corner cupboard that was a bit like a Tupperware cupboard. Yeah, there's people shoved in there. Yeah, people shoved in there. Like I wanna say that they are smaller people, but I don't want to say that they're kids because I think that probably people will find that horrible. So like let's just say like elderly people who shrunk a bit.

A lot. Yeah, great. And what about do you keep the heads attached to the bodies or do you keep the heads in a separate drawer? I have a policy, when you're putting a person back away into the drawer, always put the head back on the body, otherwise you're never going to be able to find a head that matches the body when you need them in an emergency. I 100% agree with that, but instead you use a little spike. Yeah, like a little metal spike. Oh wait, don't forget to take the spikes out before you burn the bodies.

Those are expensive. This is a very good, I think we should have an entirely morgue-based sketch. I think already just thinking about how fun it would be to have like a room set up with so many fake dead bodies and then just the fun that you and a person could have in there sort of being disorganized. Yeah, yeah. Because you probably still need two people to be able to do the full body. Maybe it could be an app. Do you think people love apps where you're like sort of doing like little chef tasks and that kind of thing? What if it was that? But for, you know, for an undertakers.

And a crematorium, yeah, you've got to get those ones into there. Oh yeah. Into the bins over there. You've got to chop these ones up and do autopsy on these ones. You've got to put make-up on these ones here, these ones are going to go into an open casket, these ones are going... But then showing, it's an instructional thing, but they showed up on the day before they forgot to tidy up and you know, to make it as presentable as it needs to be for other people. But it's fine for how they normally work, but they've just decided to go with it and

they're trying to show you how the drawer system works. But then you can see the bodies all around and you can see that some of the bodies are in sideways or folded in. Yeah, great. And then somebody's trying to get one of them lit for the, to burn it for the crematorium and they can't get it to light.

But then they say, ah, but here's one I prepared earlier. Something like you would in a cooking program. And I'm just going to pop this in here for about 5,000 degrees for about half an hour. And here's one I prepared earlier. They've only, I was also sort of in the last month where people were like, and they found ways of collecting some of the energy from the crematoriums. Yes, this is something we talked about on the podcast.

A couple of years ago, I was was saying why can't I have a little power point there next to some of the pews where my loved ones can plug in and charge up their phone with the energy from my burning body. Now it seems like it's happening. I mean it feels like it probably was just there the whole time and I mean any place where you use a bunch of energy and then it just turns to heat, I guess you could just do that. You could do that around your house probably.

Yes, let's name some other ways. What about in a car? Maybe you could, instead of just burning that fuel, you could use the heat generated to achieve something useful, like maybe driving the car around, making it go. That would be great. What about this? A campfire. If you put a little thing around it, yes, you could generate, get all that in. You could run a heater. You could run a heater off of that.

What about this? The Sun. We just put a little Dyson sphere around the Sun, collect all the heat. Hmm. I mean if we were a giant pen, you know, galactic beings, vast beyond our imagining, that would be really normal for us. Right? That would be the same as turning on a heater or something, popping a little Dyson sphere around a Sun. See, people would have heard you suggest that idea and thought, that sounds a bit silly, he's trivializing that, what we know to be a very complicated undertaking. But they don't realize you were talking from the perspective of a pangalactic super being. But I mean we probably could just put something pretty thin around the sun

and that would hold together and we would probably still generate a good amount of energy for us. Yes somehow I feel like you've trivialized it more by trying to make it sound achievable. Yeah. I mean, I don't, I'm not... No, just a little one. I'm not trying to hold on to some respect for the Dyson sphere idea. This has got nothing to do with James Dyson, the vacuum cleaner guy. Right. It must have to do with one of his brothers. Dyson is obviously the wind guy, one of his brothers is the fire guy.

Then he's got an earth brother and maybe a water sister. Mmm, and maybe one who deals with heart. Yes. Power of the heart. Yes, another brother perhaps. Do you think they use any of Dyson's technology, his vacuum cleaning technology, in the liposuction field, in the world of liposuction?

I wonder, I wonder whether it's good to, I mean you do see that they do have bags, these vacuums do have bags, because that's often how the fat comes out. Yeah. But wouldn't you love to have a bagless fat vacuum? Yeah. It uses the power of sickleonic...

Yes. A vortex. Yeah. I mean, I guess if you think about it, his vacuum is bagless, but it does have a sort of a container where the stuff still goes. It's just kind of, you know, harder and, you know, it really is just a rigid bag. And you spend so much more time cleaning out those filters. You got to sort of beat them against the wall to get all the dust out. Which I wasn't aware of. I'm not sure that you had to do that with

the other old vacuum cleaners. Yeah, maybe you never did. Because that was such a big part of the process. But also you've got like the stick one, right? Ah, not anymore, no. Okay, good. It got clogged up, but I thought it had stopped working So I gave it to my parents and they unclogged it and it started working again, but I never got it back So it's actually a real vacuum

It is it is pretty good. Yeah, but I don't have it anymore. It's no longer mine. They took it and I can't claim it back Alastair what about if some fat fell onto the ground? I can't claim it back. Alastair, what about if some fat fell onto the ground? Right? Some loose fat that's no longer in a body. Yeah, so you're liposuctioning. I'm just talking loose. Well, are you liposuctioning if you're just hoovering fat off the ground? Is that still liposuction? Um... I suppose it is. I don't know what the lipo means.

The lipo part refers to... well, lipids. Okay, yeah. I think that means fat. Yep, so liposuction, all of it. So if I just put the vacuum cleaner in a bottle of olive oil, that's technically liposuction. Technically. You could say, look, look mum, look kids, I'm doing liposuction. He says, that's $30 a bottle. He says that's $30 a bottle

Yes, but the cost of the bottle pales into insignificance to the damage I'm doing to our expensive expensive bagless vacuum cleaner You're focusing on the wrong thing honey. You're burying the lead. I think I like you calling your I'd... Wait you're calling my mum honey? And okay so yeah so therefore so like but you're talking about a different place right? You're talking about like just off the floor. Oh yeah that's right, loose on the ground. Now we know we have the term milf for a mother I'd like to fornicate with. But do we have a similar term for an attractive person who's not a mother and a non-parental person that you don't know you would like to adopt you oh right yeah so this is a non-mother so I'd like to non-mother so it's kind of like a N m yeah I'd like that's I'd like to ill so that's still there I like I like to have to have the adopt me I am I am so that's an um ill the am Anam, ill, tham, aniltham.

Aniltham. Yes. How long did it's an attractive person? Aniltham. Right. Aniltham. Well, they still have to be attract. Oh, I guess they don't have to be attractive, do they?

No, but this is, no, but this I think has a, you know, suggests this person's intentions. Do you think? Attractive non-mother, I'd like to have adopt me. Adopt? Yeah. So. They're still attractive.

Wes, don't worry. Don't worry for those, uh, not those non-PC, for the non-PC brigade out there, who worry that everything's too PC now. Don't worry, we're still objectifying them. We're still ascribing a value to whether or not they're conventionally attractive. We know you're always ready to get outraged about us not being, us being too PC. But what they don't realize is how inclusive the term non-mother is because that is actually, it includes lots of men, it includes people of all genders. No, well the non-PC brigade, they'd hate that.

Yes, I know. That would be too inclusive for them. Yes, probably. So they're gonna get angry again. Well, but what about you sort of being rude towards them by like saying you want them to be hot when they're adopting you that you don't care maybe there's something maybe this could be what

brings everyone together maybe there's enough here everybody can get offended by it yeah and I like that I what about this aliens come down pigs I know these things that want to get adopted like these pigs that want to get adopted. I like these people that want to get adopted. They're real pigs and they want their mums or their new dads to be hot. I love that there's a suggestion. There's going to be some kind of relation between them. For me as a non-PC person, that really tickles my fancy. What about this Alastair? It's a movie where aliens arrive okay and instead of having a really powerful technology

that they use to defeat the Earth's armies, they know they are just really, um, offensive and they offend everybody by saying things that are not, uh, not politically correct. It just, they insult aliens, right? And they bring humanity to its knees by being so non-woke. Now, look, I don't really know what I'm doing here, Alastair, but I imagine, I imagine that really right-wing people will love this for its satirical heft. Yeah, and so, but then they come, but then they like, does it lead to war or does it lead to them winning in some way and taking over? Well, I think it'll lead to them winning and taking over because everybody on Earth, right, we've all gone too soft and we're too easily offended. Yeah, but I think that's probably what would happen is that the people who are

already on the edge of trying to like get rid of democracy. Yeah. Would side with them, side with the aliens who they will just take anybody who should technically be canceled and they'll be like, and they'll use it for their motives. Yes. You know? Yes. So they're like, yeah, no, we'll... But the aliens will keep insulting them, but they'll be like, whatever.

They'll just cry. Well, the aliens will... No, you're right. The aliens will come down. They will be insulting people and the too sensitive brigade, they will start to crumble and then obviously the right wing, the alt-right people will side with the aliens because they are offending the people they think need to be offended and they're saying offensive things. Now of course the aliens also do want to eat all humans and

sort of cook us in a big pot and that sort of thing, but at least they're offending the woke brigade. Yeah. Right, so the yes the alt-right people will still be on board, they don't really think any further down the chain of events. How do you feel about this Alistair, do you hate this idea? I mean, I don't entirely hate it. I think it makes me have a good think. I think it's you know The idea unspools in my mind. I think there's multiple levels to it. You know, I imagine you wouldn't reveal it Are you gonna have to spool it back up again later on?

Nah, nah, nah, I'm just gonna have that all my mind just dangling all over the place all day long. How do you feel about this idea, right? You go to somebody's house and they've just got loose fishing wire all over the ground. It's like about a it's like about a foot deep. Right? It's all just tangled and sort of loose like that. Just every room you go into it's just fishing line Yeah, I mean that's pretty good and they don't fish. They don't bank. That ruins it for you doesn't it?

Not much, not much. Not much, not that much. I guess it's so explained. They don't fish heaps. I had one Christmas where I was really showing interest that year and fishing and everybody bought me fishing wire Hmm it would be a pain. Did this actually happen to you or is this just in the sketch? No this is in the sketch Andy I Made it sound so natural Andy. That's my acting. You did Genuinely, that was really good. You know that's my acting. I believed it. You know I'm at my best if I'm playing natural

My natural self and not having to change my personality in any way. Well you did then though. You changed your personality to be a guy who had liked fishing for once. I don't know if that's part of the personality. And the transformation. Don't tell me that Alistair, that's all I've got. That's my entire personality. Is that you put all your fishing wire away. But like, so like, it just would have got tangled at some point. And then, and then that's too hard to take, to deal with.

And so then you just kind of push it to the sides of the room, wouldn't you? Just move it out of the walkway yeah you know because even like you know when like something gets tangled with other stuff that's in drawers and or stuff like that like or like oh my god you know and then you're like oh well I still need all that stuff so I can't throw everything away I will just move it to the side where I can still reach things and now we just have a tangles based storage system. Yeah and this you know and it and it's sort of it expands to consume almost like the blob right the tangle expands to consume other Tangible things. Oh, so we're talking about

Shoelaces will be in there with the fishing line. It doesn't discriminate No, if you're longer than you are wide the tangle will come for you yarn Yarn, yes, you know, maybe you've moved into your house. I Yes. You know, maybe you moved into your nonna's old house. I mean a necklace, and a necklace is going to be really, like once it gets the necklace in there, especially if it's got a few little pendants and baubles on it, now we're really getting into the territory of there's no way this is ever coming undone. You know what's interesting is that actually-

Because you can't now. Oh no, sorry, Cause what like actually being necklace would be helpful in that area because you've got less things for the, for the things to tangle around you. You know, if it just went. You're spelling necklace, N-E-C-K-L-E-S-S, is that right? Yes.

Necklace. Don't be so necklace. Throw down your torso. Neck, head. I mean what and what's a great thing to sing at a rugby game. Those guys don't have necks right? Yeah I think it would be fine I think it's in particular if there was just one guy who really didn't have a neck. I think that's you would, you would wait for him to be isolated. And then also let him know that everybody knows that he's, that they think that he's necklace because they'd call him necklace Nick or something like that or necklace John like that, you know, and then they start singing it because then it would be good.

Well, you know what this would be great for? This would be great for if the tea, the people who go and attend sport, instead of being the two opposing teams, right? Say again, it is a game of rugby. It would be great if the people who attend the sport are sort of roughly equal numbers, 50-50, of people who like rugby and people who don't like rugby. And those were sort of the... There were half of the crowd were cheering against the sport itself. And then those people who cheer against rugby still attend all the games and are trying to get rugby to stop every time their game rugby

game yes every time a rugby game proceeds to its conclusion they count that as a defeat yeah they're very passionate and they go along with they sing, Don't Be So Necklace. That's one of their famous chats that they sing at the rugby games that they go along to. Sure, I really like that. They almost, I mean, I feel by attacking the individuals, you know, they're not quite as, uh, you know, like that, that does mean that they're kind of like, they're getting a lot of sport out of, out of keeping the sport going.

But I, I guess after that, they just don't like sports. And so then eventually once the sports done, they move on to another sport because they do like trying to get rid of sports. I think maybe that's it yes oh there's always the Olympics Oh getting obviously getting the Olympics that's the big one if we could get that stopped but we're not on that level yet well I mean some people got the Commonwealth Games stopped in Victoria. That seemed pretty easy actually. But then the Commonwealth Games has never been as competitive as the Olympics has it.

That's right. It's easy to end a sport when America isn't involved. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Why choose Footie Prime the podcast? A compendium of five star review is read by Footie Prime talent, James Sharman. Just too much fun. If you love to smile, this podcast is for you. Jimmy Brennan.

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Is there an animal that doesn't have a neck? Stop playing rugby in general. I'm sure there are thousands. I mean, do fish have necks? Yes. Do snakes have necks? Yes, snakes are all neck. Yes, okay.

It's a terrible choice then, I apologise. Both are sort of almost fully neck. Well, this is going to be very difficult then to come up with an animal that doesn't have a neck. If any animal that I suggest that actually doesn't, I mean I am correct in saying that doesn't have a neck. If you say, well actually it's all neck. I mean you've got the ultimate. You're playing the... No, there's definitely some. I think that's a bad faith argument, I will say. There's some that would be clearly they would have no neck.

Like if it goes really wide after the head or even before the head. So like most fish, most fish? No. Then you would say? Maybe the sunfish itself would be a necklace. I think to go really wide after the head is a classic fish trait. I know, but I've already said no so I can't back down. They should put you on the bloody coat of arms instead of the emu which I've always suspected actually could go backwards if it had to. Just petition to

get you on there. A kangaroo on one side and Alastair George William Trombley Burchell on the other. Making a sweeping statement. Finally getting my name and body on the coat of arms will be a big achievement for my family. The Tromblay virtual clan of which I am the first. I mean that's a great strike right isn't it? I'm one of three. Get the first one. I never thought about that you being the first. Yeah, that's incredible. That's really exciting. Yeah, yeah and then I ended it. I ended the line, the bloodline by not naming any of my kids Trombly Virtuals. Although there's a couple of kids out there that are Trombly

Virtuals. Brothers, brothers, they've one, one of my brothers kid has got that and then two of my other brothers kids have got it so So there's three out there Wow to keep the family name go Well, I think the alternative surname that your children got is a good one it's a very good one Thank you, but it's not the first they're not the first though. They're just one of many Thank you, but it's not the first, they're not the first though, they're just one of many. They can always change their names, you know. No, but then it's nice to slide into obscurity. I could always, even though I'd never considered you being the first,

now that I look back, I can see how the pressure of it was weighing on you. That weight of expectation. That's why I work so hard, Andy. To do something great. That's why I'm... That's it. You know I'm just trying to make sure that this name has a legacy you know lives on into whatever. Have I talked to you about my comparison between the hyphenated surnames and dealing with climate change? No I don't think so. That it is just this that a thing that we've just been like

Oh, we can't be bothered sorting this out. We'll leave it for children to solve and it is just this sort of accumulation of Like a surname is kind of like a forever chemical or something. It's just like it's just building up there behind your first name Waiting to that's actually really good. ...for someone to have the courage to actually deal with it. Yeah. I'll even write it down. I don't know if I can write down this idea. I'll allow it. I'll stay. The hyphenated surname.

Mmm. Because I mean, well what is the solution once you've got a hyphenated name? It's stockpiling again, isn't it? Yeah. Stockpiling surnames. Because I mean, well, what is the solution once you've got a hyphenated name? It's stockpiling again, isn't it? Stockpiling surnames. It's like climate change. Or it's a kind of bloat. But like, but have you thought about like, because I think your kids have some hyphenated

names, right? Yeah. And so have you thought, have you thought about, you know, making a little how-to for them or what they should do? Sit down and explain to them one day, you're going to have to deal with this problem. Yeah. Because your parents didn't have the courage to resolve it. your parents didn't have the courage to resolve it? I mean, I guess we've kind of like,

it definitely frees up, it frees us from the tyranny of the last name that it's like, it's something that you are stuck with and that it just makes it way more flexible that really you can, like you don't actually have to have a connect, like yours still has a connection obviously to the parents, but it's the gateway drug to being like, just whatever, just change it to like, you know, bubbles or something like that, you know, like,

because it makes you go, well, if we're just, if we're going to have the two names, and then after that, you kind of go, well, now I either compress these two names and then after that you kind of go well now I either compress these two names into one and then add the other person's name to it like that yes you're just making new names anyway so then yeah so then you may as well just like be like well you know Michael Bubbles Simon Bubbles well I reckon that's where we're headed yeah and if I'm hearing you correctly, what you are suggesting is that soon everybody's surname will be Bubbles. Will be Bubbles, yeah.

Bubbles the monkey. I'm excited. I'm excited for that. Andy's new child. I reckon maybe for what you should do for your next kid, your fifth kid, is give your last name as the first name, then your beloved's as the first name, and then whoever's the other one as the middle name, and then go crazy on the last name. Maybe Bubbles, I would suggest.

You know? Oh, yes. No, I'm excited you're right I will have my vasectomy reversed Andy everybody's not conceiving of more children everybody knows that your vasectomy didn't work everybody already knows that we're just waiting for you to be in front of the premiere of Adelaide and the news cameras to be there before we tell you that your wife is pregnant and you're vasectomy. of a sec to be there. That would explain why as I was lying down on the table, the, to have the procedure done, the, the urologist rolled his eyes and said, well, time to embark on this fool's errand. Yeah. I often wondered.

Yes. But he was delivering. What? What that was in reference to. He was probably putting some fool's gold into your nutsack. Delivering it. Yes, ironed pyrite. I know somebody whose husband got the snip, right, and it didn't work because he had more right and it didn't work because he had more wires between his between his testicles and his body then they had snipped you okay and they don't they don't check from found an alternative route they didn't check for more there

was but fuck but also because he still did the thing where they have to like jerk off into a tub or whatever like that and then deliver it and that didn't they didn't pick it up there. Anyway, so they had another kid. Sounds like they were the sperm were tunneling their way out in the style of the great escape, constructing an alternative yes but of course you'll remember that the sperm in the great escape of course they did get in towards the egg but then the body machine gunned them all so not as great no that is a shame, isn't it? Yeah, although I would love to be able to escape something like that, but I think being

in that tunnel would not be the greatest thing of all time. Being in the tunnel? Yeah. I think being in the tunnel would be fine. I think digging the tunnel would have been really, really hard. Yeah. Just really shit yeah and then coming out and trying to not look super dusty and stuff yeah yeah that bit would have been hard too oh so much dirt in your hair and the beam machine guns that also and the what

all the getting machine gun that wouldn't have been that great either. Yeah Andy do you know that we have listeners? Yeah, okay you telling me we've written down five things we've written down so many things And one of those listeners is called Jim Little Jim little Jim Little's back, baby. Jim Little's back. Jim Little. Jim Little has sent in three words from a listener and he was wondering if you would be able to guess what those words are. Okay, the first word is hairless.

Hairless? Hairless. Hairless. Let me look. No, Andy, the first word is cudgels. Ah, second word is curmudgeon. Curmudgeon. Andy, I want you to know that you're making a huge mistake in terms of the pattern you're

trying to follow. No, the second word is wielding. which mistake in terms of the pattern you're trying to follow? No, the second word is wielding. Cudgel, wielding. Hmm, okay, cudgel, wielding. Okay, now cudgel is usually wielded by a thug or maybe a policeman if it's wielded by a thug or a, um, or a, maybe a policeman. If it's a sort of a baton style cudgel, cudgel wielding maniac.

No. What did you say? Maniac. Maniac. Is that your word? It's my word, Alastair. The last word is astronauts. Astronauts. I mean it is, it does, so it is a little like baton type thing. Oh no.

We're going to have to see cud. Cudgel. Cudgel. Wielding astronauts. A short, thick stick used as a weapon. Or it could also mean to beat with a cudgel. So to, it can also be a verb. Yeah, oh okay, interesting.

But I don't think it's a verb in the context of these three, in this sentence. You are narrowing what these three words can be, but that's okay. Maybe wielding could be a noun. Alastair, what this makes me think of is... You fuck. You cunt. Alastair. How dare you. A wielding, you know? A thing that is wielded. A wielding.

Shut up. It's the cudgel wielding astronauts. Stop it. It's the cudgel wielding astronauts. So it's a bunch of astronauts holding weapons and you are hitting them with a small baton and beating their asses. Because imagine this, they're all on the moon. They're defending this moon base and you show up there and you go, and you're not wearing a suit. You're not wearing a suit and you're just like you don't need to wear a suit you

f**k it idiots like that and you're hitting them with this cudgel like that and they can't move probably because they're in space suits. Yeah okay. Well what it's made me think is that is there has there ever been a prank performed on a spacewalk? Because you think about it, the stakes are so high. That's going to be so funny. A little prank. The stakes are only higher compared to the Earth, but compared to the Moon, they're sort of just on, like on sea level. I'm trying to understand what that means.

The stakes are high. You say because of height, height being the distance above Earth. Yeah. Yeah. I think it stops being height when you get to the... Is it still height? I think you're so high up from the Earth. But at what point?

Like, I don't know. I don't think it keeps being height. Yeah. Because imagine, like, if the moon was to suddenly... Do you think somebody on the moon, somebody on the surface of the moon, think Buzz Aldrin, think Neil Armstrong on the surface of the moon said, Oh, I'm so high up. Do you think that's what he said on the moon?

I think that would be a great comic. Oh my God, look how high we are. I'm afraid of heights. This is not good for me because I'm really afraid of heights. Interesting, interesting conundrum. I like that the podcast I feel like has just gotten good. Yeah? Yeah. That's really insulting to the rest of the podcast. Yeah, that's what I was trying to do. Oh no, no, actually I really did like-

Can't believe that you would say that in front of the rest of the podcast. I did really like Anne Miltham, which is a great name for the lady who would be your hot non-mother who adopts you. Anne Miltham. Oh, it'd be so... Yes. I think, well I think what it does, but I think the Anne Miltham, I does, Anne Miltham, I think it does need to be a young, conventionally attractive person for some reason. But you don't find them, you don't find them sexually attractive in any way. You just want to be mothered by them

in a genuine motherly way. I think I like just the idea of somebody saying that this is what they want and then it's them in some way getting attacked for wanting that as well, I think. Sure. I mean, I understand the desire to want to be mothered by someone attractive, but I think that you probably will find, you know, mothering has a different kind of attractiveness, which is I think the, you know, having the nice things done towards you and somebody caring about you is in itself pretty attractive. Sure. No, you're right. You're absolutely right.. Now what about if that was in zero gravity and you're an astronaut?

I mean, what I am thinking is of course about the cracking open of the helmet, right? The cudgel striking down on the helmet and cracking the helmet. And that moment and that tension inherent in cracking a helmet open in zero gravity. Yeah. I mean, as a prank, is that what yours? Well, maybe as a prank, just a little crack, just a little tap, a light tap as a prank. Would you consider that to be a prank in zero gravity? In zero gravity, I guess, you know, that in zero gravity? In zero gravity I guess you know that in zero gravity in the vacuum of space I guess what a prank is that does become you know there's

I think yeah like what is a prank there's a lower bar. I mean one way you... Which is crazy considering you're so high but I guess all bars are low when you're that high. I think, you know, here's another prank you could do, is when you go out on your space walk with another astronaut, you take a little fake tether, because everyone's tethered to the ship, you take a little fake one with you and you take a knife with you as well, right? the ship, you take a little fake one with you and you take a knife with you as well. Right? And while they're working away on something on one of the distant arms of the International

Space Station repairing a solar panel, you tap them on the shoulder, they turn around to look at you, you hold up the knife and then you hold up the tether and you slice it like that. Right? But they think it's their tether, but it's just the pretend tether that you brought with you to prank them. And that's fine, nobody gets hurt. You just have a bit of fun.

Well, you might get hurt with the knife. Sure, if anything goes wrong. Seems like a dangerous thing to be waving around. Spice pranks, it'll be good. It'll be good. It'll be, it'll get a lot of hits. Or like, maybe the inspired unemployed could do it on their prank show. You know that they had in the space thing like that? You've made a replica of their wedding ring or something.

Yeah, show it to them and then you just let you throw it out into the vacuum of space. and you just let you throw it out into the vacuum of space. Oh, yes. That's great. Do you think they would say that's spice polluting? That's probably what the first thing they would say. Probably. Spice junk. Um, cudgel wielding astronauts. I mean, what about these gangs of astronauts roaming the Earth? That's not that similar to the one where I had a bunch of astronauts wielding weapons

and I was hitting them with a cudgel on the moon. Yeah, but that was on the moon. You were inexplicably not in a space suit. Imagine how lame everybody will feel, everybody at NASA, when they realize you actually don't need to wear a space suit. Raw dog in the vacuum. a nurse, if when they realise you actually don't need to wear a space suit, raw dog and the vacuum. Oh wow.

But I mean, also maybe the reason you're able to do it is because you've got so much testosterone or you're just a tougher, you're just built different. Built different, yeah. Right? It'd be a real flex being able to, you know, because a lot of people, the problem is that your blood boils, right, and then leaks out through your eyeballs I'm pretty sure but that sounds like a sign of in theory if you had stronger eyeballs and you could flex and hold your your blood vessels tighter to prevent that from happening then

you'd probably be fine just hold it in yeah you know just overcome it with the power of your mind with the power of bulking up mmm I think a a Jimbrow space program yeah where they are gonna put a man in space and a real man sure we've had men on the moon But we ever have we ever had a real man on the moon space program To put a real put a real man on the boat And he's gonna get there not with not with a spaceship as well. Yeah, he's gonna jump He's gonna climb a rope Sorry He's gonna climb a rope. Yeah, really good. That'll be cheaper. You just need to launch one thing

That has a rope attached to it up in the space And then you just let them climb that has a rope attached to it up into space. And then you just let them climb it. Free. It's the, it's sort of like Arthur C. Clarke's idea of a space elevator. But this is a lot tougher, a lot cooler. And finally, like people will be able to stop climbing Everest and just start doing this. Climbing to the moon.

Yeah. Well, is he going to. Climbing to the moon. Yeah, well is it going to go all the way to the moon? That's a good idea. Why not? I guess you're right. Hopefully it doesn't get tangled in anything as it orbits the earth. This big brown rope. Oh, that rope's going to be so brown. And we're gonna start it off white.

Beautiful, clean rope. The ravages of time, like it does to all of us, will eventually make it brown. Alistair, would you like to take us through the sketch ideas? It would be such a dream come true. Are you man enough? Let me see if I can do it. We've got baby company that does baby taxes.

Wait, no, I'd say, whoops, I think I said, I think I put the word company, I replaced it with baby and it does company taxes. It could be an avending machine. Yes, Alistair, the way in which you've done me such an honour by writing that down, and I appreciate it. Of course, I think it's really good when it's an avending machine because then you're like,

are there babies in there? Who did these taxes? You get your taxes and there's a bit of spit up on it. But don't worry Andy, even though I wrote down your idea, I also wrote down this. A disorganized morgue. You see? That's a great idea. Yeah, and then we got liposuction, which is by vacuuming up other types of fat, like olive oil. Yes. Great.

But anyway, then we've got the Anne Miltham, which is attractive non-mother I'd like to have adopt me. Maybe drinking, just drinking a milkshake is a form of liposuction. I mean, I think it's especially true with a milkshake, but it's more like hoofo hoofo suction Yeah, a lot of like a lot like McDonald's milkshakes stuff like that the thickening agent they're like gelatin from hooves I Did not know that that's incredible

Yeah, I like to use every part of the animal and so I don't consider that to be a negative thing I like to use every part of the animal. And so I don't consider that to be a negative thing. We got aliens come to earth and are insulting to us and the right really get into it. Non-PC aliens. We got the rugby crowd filled with half people who like rugby and half people who don't like it and are trying to make rugby stop.

But why would it stop when they're selling so many tickets to people who don't like rugby? We got the hyphenated surname is like the climate change. It's like climate change because you let your kids have to deal with it. Deal with the problem. Well, I miswrote a lot of things. Today I didn't feel like I could finish sentences. Then I wrote hitting astronauts with a cudgel on the on the moon. They're wielding weapons as well because you realize that you don't need to wear a suit not a fully formed idea

it's a great sketch idea it's a great sketch idea you're a fucking idiot to go to jail for this why are they trying right here. Why are they trying to get you? Why are they trying to hit you? Are they just jealous? What are they angry about? What are you... You're not supposed to be able to do that.

Oh god. Get him. I'm gonna hit him with the machete! The god machete! He's outside the space suit without a suit! He's outside the space base without a suit! Get him! Get the shovel! Get my knife! I'm gonna get him! I'm gonna get him!

The astronaut runs and stabs this guy to death. Drags his body back into the moon base. Thank god. We got him. Oh, got another one! Jesus! He'll stay on the moon forever like that. That dead body will just stay stay on the moon forever like that dead body will just stay there on the moon forever oh maybe they'd go out they put a suit on the dead body as it should be yeah I mean it you could imagine it you know a moon base religion starting where they think that it's improper to not wear a suit. I can imagine that. They think that's normal. They think that's natural.

They've been there for so long. Anybody who questions the orthodoxy, this spacesuit orthodoxy. They'd get their bloody nunchucks go hit them I'm gonna rely on my natural immunity to resist to the vacuum of space I don't need that we got space pranks and then we got Jimbrow space program to put a real man on the moon It's good good Good it's good Do do do do do do do do do Thank you so much for listening to in the think tank the show. You know, I hope you had a good time with it.

Hope so. I think this is like a slightly lower energy episode. Andy was doing a lot of heavy lifting. Yeah. I don't know, Alastair. I don't know if that's the case. I felt like it was quite the opposite in fact. But I was doing a lot of heavy lifting today.

A lot of light lifting. When I was removing all that plaster from my sister's Cast sunroom Cast Anyway, thank you very much. Thank you very much. You're the best. Oh, thanks. Yeah, you're the best No, I was so sorry. This is No, I was, I'm so sorry, this is awkward, I was talking to the listeners behind you. Okay, well why don't you do the podcast with them then?

You love them so much. You love them so much? Well yes, we have done the podcast with them for a couple of times. Yeah, it's true. We're a big part of it. And it's been good. All right then Andy.

Alastair, it's been a joy. It's been such a joy, Andy. We love you. Bye. Bye. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Why choose Footie Prime the podcast? A compendium of five star review is read by Footie Prime talent, James Sharman.

Just too much fun. If you love to smile, this podcast is for you. Jimmy Brennan. I would give them six stars if I could, but I can't. I can only give them five. Craig Forrest. They're informative, sometimes funny, and completely appropriately inappropriate.

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