Two In The Think Tank - 447 - "POST-NIRVANA" with JACK DRUCE

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

Find Jack Druce's Sketch Comedy Pilot right here.There's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello Andy. Hello Alastair. Thank you for letting me be, play the part of me in this plug section before the song. You've done, your apprenticeship has lasted long enough. Andy, we are here to promote something from our guest today. Jack Drewes. Jack Drewes. Yes. Firstly I'd like to plug Jack Drew's himself. Here he is. Hi Jack. Hey guys, so I wasn't sure if you know podcasts sometimes there's like a hosts only bit where the guest has to you know This actually is one of those and you fail the test. I'm so sorry I should have expected the podcast would operate in bad faith only Should have come in ready to, on my guard, ready to be attacked. Well, hopefully you'll learn a lesson.

Have I heard that you've released something that is in some way sketch comedy? That's right. I figured fans of the pod could be into sketch comedy. So I thought I'd come on here and chat about it. I got a sketch pilot on YouTube.'s called All Good If Not it's basically all I've been doing this year. I'm pretty happy with it people seem to be liking it. I'm terrible at plug-in stuff but it's I'm proud of it I spent a lot of money that I

shouldn't have spent on it I did So if you want to check it out that would mean the world to me. Where would people find it? I think it's incredible as well. YouTube, Jack Druse is the YouTube channel. Check it out please. I'd like to second that please and I'd like to add my strong endorsement to Alistair's endorsement in a kind of a double endorsement, a superposition of endorsements creating an enormous title endorsement that overcomes any hesitation you might have in watching Jack Truss' sketch

pilot. It's so fucking good. Yeah. It's so good. And I would triple that. Everything about it. And I'm gonna have to thank you at the end. Thank you for watching.

Thank you for that triple title wave endorsement. No problem. That's what I was hoping would happen, but I'm glad it did. We're gonna go to the song now. That's what I was with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. I'm Alistair George William Trombley Burchall. Our guest today is Jack Driss. None other than... I just checked before we started recording and I can confirm that Jack is the original guest. He is the OG.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, episode eight. You were the first ever guest on Two in the original guest. He is the OG. Really? Yeah. Yeah, episode eight, you were the first ever guest on Two Ends of a Think Tank. That's amazing. You got a, you looked at me and the idea of a guest was there. It's like, maybe it should be other people.

Yes, you. We didn't even consider it was possible. We thought, and after we did that, we thought it was only possible to have Jax on the show. Yeah. Well, in those early days. In those early days, me and Andy didn't even see each other as different people. We were like mother and baby.

We didn't recognize that our bodies were different. And then, and then Andy and they are, they are so different. Pretty different. Yeah. And they are, they are so different. They're actually pretty different. They are. We were after a few inspections. But then, Jack, not only was the first guest, but actually introduced the concept of other person to us. This is almost tragic now though. I feel like that's, you had kind of a,

sort of a Nirvana, like enlightenment state, and I came on destroying it with Riffs about JFK speech about going to the moon. Sure and the other thing that's and you were the other thing Yeah But also what about post nirvana, you know, I think post nirvana is a great place to be it's it They don't even have a religion about that yet. Yeah, well I mean I certainly think it's a great thing to start trying to market, you

know, because it's crazy to sell somebody Nirvana and the idea that when they get that they'll be free of want because then what do you sell them you know you have to have something else what do you what do you get for the person who has transcended everything want well we have this new product that turns out that even people who want for nothing, they still need it. What do you think it is? Some kind of like milking device for your penis? That would be great if you were the, maybe like the Buddha for a new religion, which is kind of the same as Buddhism, except at the end you get some sort of milking device for your penis. You don't really specify what beyond that but people go and spend their life at monasteries in Tibet on the promise that they'll get Nirvana and

a milking device for their penis. I love those are the exact terms, words in which we describe it. Even in our holy texts, some sort of milking device for your penis is there. It's carved in stone above the entrance to the temple. Yeah. And not in some foreign language as well that might look mystical. It's just there in English.

It's just in Helvetica. The idea is that- Does different factions go to war based on what they think the milking device sort of could be? Yes. But the thing is that you won't, it's not that you'll want to use this because you'll be beyond want,

but you'll be able to you'll be able to still be nice yeah you'll still enjoy it when it happens like sometimes you don't want something but it's still nice when it occurs you know like a surprise party and I think it's a good it's a good actual philosophy for post-Nirvana that we're leading you towards, obviously, clarity of mind, free from desire, all that kind of stuff. But you'll also have lots of really nice things eventually. You know, a very luxurious life. You don't have to eat rice every day because you won't want to, but imagine how good it would be to have ragu every now and then. Well I think it would be, there could also be a sketch in a Buddhist who has achieved

enlightenment and is complaining that nobody got him anything for his birthday, you know, because even though he didn't want anything, it still would have been nice if he got something, you know? Yeah. They should have still thought about him. It's not because he wants a present that he should get one. Yeah. Yeah. I do like that. What do you get for Buddha? What do you get for the Buddha who wants for nothing? Anyway.

All the money in the world. To have a bigger impact, you gotta actually get a, you gotta have an impact, you actually gotta give him a bigger present than you would a regular person. Cause he doesn't. Yeah, that's true. Like an Lamborghini.

Like you get an Lamborghini and that kind of, that only just scratches a little bit of the surface for him. He's like, oh, well actually, you know, that's like, that's pretty good. But I mean, that is really interesting, isn't it? That he has such a strong ability to overcome the physical world and its temptations that he then does require such-

An industrial strength cattle milk. Lamborghini. An industrial strength cattle milker. Lamborghini. Yes, that's it. Why are there no religions that, oh, I'm sorry, no, I'll take that back. Because all sex cults. Why are there so many religions?

All cults do end up being sex cults, don't they? Like, it's just time is just ticking down before somebody starts to suggest that they have, you know, multiple wives. The Supreme Leader has multiple wives. And just, you know, it's just a fact of life. Even God himself has all the nuns are married to him. They are, they are. They are the brides of Christ. They only have sex with God.

Yes. I have to go wake my child. I'll be right back. You guys can. Okay, you go rouse the infant. He's not an infant. What's the cut off of an infant? Great question. I think they're no longer an infant when they can walk.

I think once they can do that, you are infantilizing them to suggest that they are an infant. That's when it becomes... You can't infantilize an infant, but once you can infantilize them, then they're no longer an infant. That's when it becomes, you can't infantilize an infant, but once you can infantilize them, then they're no longer an infant. That's a great rule of thumb. Has that answered the question, do you think? Perfectly. Yeah, great. Yeah, that's a sort of infantilization you never hear about is people wanting to go back to pre-walking.

Because it's always people, I always hear about it with people like, I don't know, should be getting on with their life, but their, you know, their hobbies are like stuff they liked when they were kids or something and people talk about that as being like society's infantilized. No one's just crawling around. Yeah, that's true that like societies infantilized, but no one's just crawling around. Yeah, that's true. And that is what infantilizing should be, right? It should be you are rolling around on the ground, basically unable to move, no understanding of object permanence,

yeah, that kind of stuff. Just seeing the shapes and colours. standing of object permanence, yeah, that kind of stuff. And I agree, that is, that is infantile. But you are right that like, when we use it as a derogatory term, we are usually referring to oh, somebody who doesn't want to get a steady job or still plays with Pokemon or still is very like, you know goes and watches Don't know. Hmm gets gets too hung up on I guess Star Wars Yeah, but really having a deep understanding of Star Wars is very advanced for an infinite

It's credible So is that a is that a sketch idea how how do we frame that Jack into a format a sketchy format yeah how would you have done this on one of your sketch shows on that sketch show that you made it would be it would be someone talking directly into the camera yes because that's how I've learned to do filmmaking because most of it's just been me with a camera and also being in the video. So there'll be a lot of that. Yeah.

Well, I mean, you are really good at putting things into the context of a podcast. And I like that format that you've explored. Yeah, I like... Filming something like it is a podcast and I like that format that you've explored. Yeah, I like it. Filming something like it is a podcast discussion. I've returned. He's back. You gotta tell me what the idea you had was so I can write it down.

The idea is that infantilizing, when we say that people are being infantilized, we usually mean that they're sort of clinging on to things from childhood, but not really from their infancy, you know, because infantilised would mean rolling around on the ground in their own shit. Not that they're just sort of, you know, uninterested in engaging with politics or something like that. Although, to be fair, infants who do roll around on the ground in their own shit are also uninterested engaging in politics. Sure. Also if you infantilize a baby you're actually treating it like it's older. Yes, correct. Okay so. What is an infant then? Correct. Okay, so...

What is an infant then? Is it not something that has just been born? I'm not sure. I... Okay. I'll be... I mean... Show me the infant.

Would they say that about a brand new baby? Maybe they would. I'm always saying, show me the infant. Show me the infant. It's a great thing to say. Show me the infant. Show me the infant. It's a great thing to say. Show it to me. I might start using that. My sister has just had a baby and I might start,

I'll try it out. I can road test this calling it an infant. And oh, what a beautiful infant. I'll just try it. Perhaps. Okay, when you walk in the door, I want you to just go, bring me the infant. That's good.

I've also road testing a new personality where I just ask for things to be brought to me. I've also, some sort of a king or prince like figure. I was gonna say, it sounds like the thing that an evil king would say because there was like a Child had been said to be born with some sort of marking that meant that it was gonna overthrow his kingdom

I know he's out looking for the Now he's out screaming show me the infant to try and make sure he's not usurped Yeah, imagine being afraid of an infant, but you're like but for you. It's like It's like, well, no, I'm nipping this in the bud. I'm just going to kill a baby so that it doesn't grow up. Well, I mean, because once it even- To follow a story that someone set.

But even once it, like, you can't afford to let it develop another day, because as soon as it gets the ability to walk or grasp things things then this natural charisma that it has this sort of leadership potential that would lead it to become the new the new king will be so powerful and undeniable that you'll be helpless by the time that that infant can crawl it's already too late. If you don't kill this baby, right now, you're as good as done for. But I guess it's like a reverse,

I imagine it's sort of a reverse, that movie where the death chases you there. What's that one? Final Destination. It's a reverse final destination because you're they're gonna try to kill it if it really is the sort of the thing that will topple the thing and then they will somehow miss maybe go and maybe that like the king will get a cramp and he'll be like oh no I can't slice the

knife into the baby right now and then and then he goes guards you get him and they'll go whoa whoa whoa and they'll slip over and mod or something like that. Oh yeah. You know and then meanwhile the baby is doing something else. Well the baby is already rallying the masses meanwhile the baby is uh nailing a manifesto to the door of the temple. Yeah. And... He's just looking over his mom. You always hear about boy kings, but I think they usually, boy kings usually inherit the throne. I would love to see a boy king take the throne. Seize the throne.

Take it by force. Oh yeah, I do like that. Just rally an army behind him, like a, just sort a four-year-old boy just knows just what to say to get people fired up. Because well he says such cute things but sometimes it's the simplest things that come out of the mouths of infant kings that you know that really melt people's hearts You know, I think it crocodiles live in salt water Right, I mean they also live in freshwater but That's cool that he knows

They're writing that up on the banner that's been carried in until I got a cavalry charge It's what everybody chants as they decapitate the old king. They start, you know, salting up all the rivers so that crocodiles can be there. Salting up all the rivers. I think there is a sketch in a really charismatic baby. And you know, you showing the the baby to people You know that it's just arrived and you know normally You know, there's a lot of always so cute and that sort of thing

But almost straight away people are sort of like think the baby is really cool And he has all this sort of influence over people they start to want to behave like the baby and people get you keep getting like more and more groups of people I guess you know this is sort of what it would be like to have given birth to the Christ child but for you for he isn't Christ I suppose he isn't actually a religious figure he's's just a very charismatic, very cool baby. All sorts of people want to come around and hang out with him. But do you think the baby would soon get into drugs and then everybody else would start getting into drugs?

That's a great question and I'm glad you asked. I have a really good answer to that. And the answer is yes. The baby is doing heroin almost immediately. That would be funny if you and your sort of friendship group of like kind of mid-20s people who want to be cool, there's a baby in your friend group that's clearly like the leader of the group somehow and just through this charisma and then gradually like as it happens with friend groups it's like the main cool one will start doing something and then everyone else kind of gets into it so you're like your whole crew is they've got like a baby's like the hair that a baby has where it's kind

of just that mostly bald but like a few loose flow wisps yeah they get they all go to the barbershop together and get wispy baby hair and they start like sort of it's a cool thing to do is to like get your hand and kind of wrap it around someone else's finger and like hold on to. That's like a trendy kind of thing to do in your group. I totally agree. Turn it backwards in the car. Yeah. I do, but what I don't want,

I really don't want for some reason in this scenario, none of those people are dressing up as a baby. In fact, I think the baby is probably wearing a leather jacket. But then they are adopting the behaviors of the baby, those that have been so well described by you. I don't know how I could anything else. I picture the driver of this cool car is also has his has his his capsule sitting facing

backwards and he's got one of those mirrors on his headrest that he can use to steer. He can use it to steer in the front and steer. Hey look, I mean, we put babies in those backward seats. Why don't we get those backward seats? That's right. That's fucking crazy to me. We're giving the baby. You just admitted to us that that's not safe for us. Yeah. If it...

Like if we want to be really safe on our necks. That would be... but also, you know what? You know how you go to the barber? This is about their wispy hair. Then you go to the barber and he has those scissors that have like gaps in it so that he can thin your hair. But I wanna see one of those. It's for the specific haircut where it's just huge gaps. But then just little metal prods where those are

the only hairs they're gonna be. So like he's cutting like an inch An inch of hair and then a little bit of wisp in between I like the idea that you you get this haircut But at no point do you say I want to cut like a baby You just have a picture of a baby and just real normal be like yeah sort of this kind of guy Just like this guy's haircut is what i'm after. Yeah I'm after. Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. And then we see the rest of the barbershop and everybody's getting baby cuts. And there's

pictures of all these film stars with baby haircuts up around the walls. So I don't know why, but one guy has to have one of those leather pilot's hats taken off his head before he gets his haircut. You know the Amelia Earhart? You know those kind of leather hats? I don't know, it feels like a baby would wear that. Yeah, yeah. With the goggles on them, right? They got goggles on them?, yeah. With the goggles on them, right?

They got goggles on them? Those hats. They got goggles on them, Andy, because it's an open airplane. Instead, you just put the windows over your eyes. It's crazy that we have windows everywhere, and really the windows just need to be over your eyes. Yeah.

What are we doing putting windows? That's why wearing the know wearing the fish bowl on your head is the perfect is the perfect way of living life you could get rid of all the windows in your house. You guys both have glasses do you feel like kind of an anger anytime you have to look through a window like just at the obvious kind of overkill of the situation yeah yeah especially I was already doing this yeah yeah or you could get I guess suppose you could get prescription windows for your house yeah so that you

I wonder if that's a thing for the super rich super rich and scared who don't leave the house and then but then have a lot of internal windows for anywhere you want to look at stuff. Yeah. That's true. You know, like, just like instead of having just like an open counter and an open like island in the middle of your kitchen,

have it surrounded by windows. Cause you know, everybody loves those areas that are kind of like inside a house, but they're actually like open to the air. Yeah. You know, have that around your kitchen island.'ve got to open up a window to start chopping something on the island bench. I think that the super rich would probably, they would probably just be able to afford to buy out of focus objects that look in focus to them. Yeah, that's great.

I've just, I've got really, I just buy really blurry cups because why should I have to focus on, you know, why should I have to wear glasses? If I've got the money, I'll buy blurry cups and then they look in focus to me. I can almost make this make sense in my head. Yeah, this is one of those ones where you don't think about it too much. You can sort of just accept it.

I'm sure the technology we will have, one day we will have the technology where you can make objects that are out of focus. And you do it with some weird little fucking coating that you put over things. Like they used to make those hologram birthday cards and stuff. I think there is a material, I think that stuff that they put on the outside of aircrafts,

that kind of air that kind of air, you know, foam kind of thing. I think that stuff naturally looks out of focus. I don't know what you're talking about. You know, it's like, air foam that they put on the outside of aircraft. It's like a, it's like a, You're talking about a cloud? You're talking about clouds.

It's a man-made, it's a man-made thing that they use for like heat shielding that I'm pretty sure is kind of like a airy foam type thing anyway don't worry about it don't worry about it you don't need to know about this kind of stuff this is that was actually classified it'll be a very satisfying job just rubbing foam on an airplane That's the airplane I miss rocket Okay Sure yeah, well, that's how classified it was I couldn't tell you exactly the device

Yeah, that's a thing you can rub it on things. I was there a plan. Oh you need to know Mm-hmm your aer plan a fine rockets. Okay, sorry Yeah, speaking of devices that suck on your penis is that what is it no milk your penis Did do you think that you could make a Do you think that you could tape a whole lot of communion wafers together and make a flesh of Christ light? I mean, I think you could do that Andy. That would be my read on the situation. You could absolutely do that.

I mean let me just write that down immediately. Let me cross out everything else we got and put that right at the top of the page. OK, here we go. Now that's the new baseline. You know what's crazy? Is that it could, it almost also works even better as light of Christ's flesh. But of course. But of course it doesn't make any sense.

I think the, like the fact that the, cause the idea with a flesh light is like, it's meant to look like a flashlight. So it's like less embarrassing to just have in your home. Do you think that's the reason? I always assume that was why, because then why would it be a flashlight rather than just a toy vagina? Yeah. Well, no, I think it's a convenient size and shape that somebody just noted, bore a resemblance to a flashlight, and then they seized on the pun as a sort of a marketing

coup. Right. Some genius, some down at the marketing department thought, we need a snappy name for this thing. Because I mean something that doesn't look like a vagina, sure. But only from like certain angles right like you've got to only ever hope that people are approaching it almost from from one angle entirely and certainly not that they're ever asking you to borrow a torch well I think it's actually more problematic to have something that looks like a torch

that people might be rummaging around and draws in a blackout Looking for a torch. I just find something that looks like a torch Well, it's a blackout. It's a blackout. All right, it feels like a torch I gotta find something that feels like a torch to have sex with that feels like a torch to have sex with. What about it's a it's an ad for the flashlight from the point of view of someone who has spent their life having sex with regular flashlight? What an incredible improvement this is. Yeah.

That's really good. They didn't even know about the existence of the vagina Yeah, they they thought they'd come up with this idea entirely by themselves They built this sort of soft hole into the end of a Ever talk. Yeah, it's like a shark tank pitch where it's like hear me out Imagine the flashlights that we have sex with feel good. Yeah 50% I do know like That that is like there's some people who when they're having their sexual awakening they don't know that other people have, you know, and that they're not aware that it's like it's a normal

thing to do because they were never educated by people. So I like I knew one guy who felt so guilty for so long because he didn't know other people masturbated and he felt like he was doing something really wrong anyway and he was right he was right but still right but just the idea that somebody would find flashlights and then be like oh my god it turns out you can and it's really awful it's not good there's lots of like little bits of metal sticking out things things like that, even when you empty out the flashlight. Every now and then the actual light part turns on and blasts in his face. He blinds him for a little bit. And then I also like the idea of somebody really trying to put Jesus together with these wafers.

And either make a flesh line or an actual body of Christ and try to put Christ back together. Create a kind of Christ wafer golem. Well, you know what you would have to do? Because I think under the rules of transubstantiation, that it actually doesn't actually become the body of Christ until you put it in your mouth, is that right? So you have to lick him alive. Well, you could lick him to life, or what you might have to do,

because God would probably see through that little ruse, what you might have to do is drill a hole in the back of your head, right, of somebody's head, through to their mouth, right? So they put the wafers in one end, and then you're whipping them out the back of the throat, right? God thinks they're going down into the stomach, right?

But you're like slight a hand getting them out the back door and then sticking them all back together and mushing them into a heap, right? To make yourself a Christ. A real Christ. Or maybe you have to be inside of the Christ wafer suit and as soon as you put like, you put like your head in and your mouth, like you know the mouth bit goes into your mouth where you

have like his tongue covering your tongue and you can talk it like a puppet, I think then the whole thing would turn to flesh. Or like, if you're, so like the, you've got this Christ wafer exoskeleton around you. Yeah, yeah, good. But then on the, imagining you're on the inside of it now, and then where Christ's mouth is on the back of that, there's like a sort of toggle that you bite down on, like as if you're getting your mouth x-rayed or getting fitted for a mouth guard

or something. You latch onto that and that kind of activates the exoskeleton. And then it's when you realize this is exactly what they meant for how Christ was ever gonna come back. This was the only way back then, back through the portal. Needed a bit of ingenuity, we hacked it. Well if you really studied the scriptures, it was all there.

It was all there. What I'm most excited about is bringing back a Christ and then feeding that Christ communion wafers, drilling a hole in the back of his head, whipping them out, seeing what Christ wafers turn into when they are eaten by a Christ, I feel like you might be able to make yourself a double Christ or maybe a Christ squared, super Christ. Yeah, I mean you definitely would be making flesh like yeah like extra

flesh. Do you think that you would if you then made another Christ suit, another Christ exoskeleton and the living Christ in which you inhabit, imagine that for once, hey, that you're inside of Christ. That would be a real perverted for a second. But then to wear a second Christ suit and then to like, for you to become super huge and bulky and like a kind of Christ Hulk. Yeah. Christ smash. Like that. Like he loves but way too violently. Yeah. He loves but he doesn't know his own strengths. I mean that would be a great way of having

sort of like an something for either Godzilla or King Kong to fight again. Oh yeah. And King Kong would want to get a taste of that as well. Oh yeah. Absolutely. Imagine if King Kong got his hands on a Christ wafer suit. That's what him and Godzilla would end up working together. Then you'd have a King of Kings Kong. Oh my God, King of Kings Kong.

And then of course it's like the mask, right? Because once you see the bad guy wearing the mask, you're like, well, I wonder who else could wear the mask? That's why they made a son of mask and then a baby wore the mask. That's why they made, you know, Son of Mask, and then a baby wore the mask. I didn't actually see that one, but it makes you realise that you're of course gonna wanna see, well, what does Christ look like

when he's got a big lizard inside of him? You know? You know? And so then you're gonna wanna see Godzilla. Yeah, but that's when we're really playing God, isn't it? When we get this power. Really playing son of God. Of the Christ exoskeleton.

And then we really just, we always go too far, don't we? We always, inevitably in Man's hubris, he will always end up putting Godzilla inside the Christ suit. I think if you think about all the different, because now Christianity is so divided into different subcategories and sects and stuff. I think if there was one branch of Christianity where a big part of it was that they did tell you what if a big lizard was inside Jesus.

That's like a real central part. I think it would be very appealing. I think people are like, people are lost at the moment and they're turning towards faith They don't know specifically where to turn. I feel like that would be that would get you over the edge for me And it's very This is sort of what you need now. I think to get people's attention, you know that And some kind of device and people are turning towards And some kind of device and people are turning towards, you know conspiracy theory so much that I think

Have being able to link into the lizard people Thing and make that give that some new lore That actually they're just good christians And that's why they rule over us You know, whether good whatever this religion is Um that they just have lizards inside of them. It's strictly Christianity except what if Jesus had a big lizard in him, that's part of it as well. Yeah. But other than that it doesn't diverge from the Christianity in any capacity. Yeah, I think it's that's sort of like Rastafarianism, I think it's mostly Christianity, but also you smoke some ganja

Yes, I didn't know that I thought it was its whole its own thing, you know what Jack well I don't know anything about it. I just I think I know that it's worship what I believe forever for now I'm not gonna look into it. I think they do worship Haley Selesi the former emperor of Ethiopia gonna look into it. I think they do worship Haley Selesi the former emperor of Ethiopia. Yeah. As part of Rastafarianism. But I think it's somehow linked with you know was it Cain or Abel one of them that had only like only a certain number of locks on his head that's where the dreadlock stuff comes from I think. Okay I thought that was just a sort of convenient excuse to not have to wash your hair quite so much. I think what I said is very disrespectful and I apologize. I think locks can be very difficult to

maintain Andy, even more difficult. And I have heard that as well. And I have seen one guy who had just one huge dreadlock. Oh yeah. And it was really, really confronting. Yeah. It almost looked like a couch or something like that. Like a couch pillow. Yeah. You know the guy I'm talking about? Well, I've seen a guy walk around with just one and it was full on. I guess we're just not we're just not used to seeing human hair weaved into one object. Yeah I mean I would kind of like to see a single strand of hair with that thickness you know that I guess emerges from the top of the head almost like the trunk of a tree yeah yeah you know it's just we're just a real thick hair

I'd just be thinking about that hole the whole time like the edges of the crater Yeah sure but I mean as it is you've got even more you've got those all over your head you've got thousands of those I know but I think a big hole makes a difference compared to a little hole going bald would be much worse if you just had one big long hair that filled the same space as our current hair does yeah and losing that hair just yeah it's just revealing the crater yeah I think teenagers would want to pull out your big hair. You know what I mean? They chase you down the street, you reckon, to try and to yank it out.

Yeah, but you know what would be cool? It would be cool to just style your hair so that it just goes straight up. Cone head style. Yeah, like that. I mean, I guess you could comb it to one side, comb it to the other side, comb it down the front, maybe over one eye like an emo.

I think if it's that thick, I don't think it's going to be that flexible. I don't know which kind of hair you're picturing and how long it is either, but it's possible. It could just be like one of those, there's like a, I think there's a Jedi that's kind of got like long, fleshy things that are a bit like- Oh yeah, I know what you mean. That noodle guy. Yeah, noodle man of some sort.

But it'll be like that, but it'll be all one hair. But yeah, now that you talk about it, I do know that guy you're talking about from Star Wars and that's, yeah, that that you talk about it, I do know that guy you're talking about from Star Wars and that's... Yeah, that's fucked up. I really hate that. I take it back. I don't want this hair. Yeah. I mean imagine how you'd...

You'd nurse the wound if somebody pulled out your one hair. I feel like there'd have to be like, there'd be a cream for that, for just... because it just literally would just be a crater you know you know like when you pull out of here there's all that like like just some of that dead skin around it like you're like mmm you know maybe a lot of that you just be putting a sort of a greasy bomb on there I think you know if you've got a crater there and you've got a cream you just fill it up like you're pouring cream into a bowl, and you just try and stand very still Not let it spill out you would pull the cream in your head would be like a bowl yeah Hmm and you know maybe that'd be great. I mean there's probably not going all I'm going bold

Yeah, that's good, but do you think just like rich guys who'd want to eat cereal out of your bowl? Like that sounds like a sort of a fucked Diddy thing doesn't it? Where he would pull you know he'd get you over to his party and you'd pull out your hair Then he'd like that's it. Let me eat the cereal out of your hair bowl me eat the cereal out of your hair bowl. I mean this could go straight into one of the Diddy documentaries. I actually don't know much about what Diddy's been up to. I've been sort of not engaging too much with the stories. I was going to say though that would be a good strategy I think if you you know you were doing a

bunch of bad stuff and you knew you were probably gonna get busted if you started you keep doing bad stuff but you incorporate in a level of surrealism like this and then if I started trying to read about what did he's been doing and then top of the article explains that there was a man who just had one long hair the size of his Skull and that came out leaving sort of a bowl Where's the top of his head should be and did he insisted on eating cereal out of that bowl? I feel like I'd be thinking much more about this this man and the hair in the bowl head Then then whether or not did he's a good guy that would be really front of mind and you'd be really

caught up in like wondering but like could that even be good for diddy like what is he getting out of this why would he do that yeah why would he do that but the man wants what he wants he's and he's and he's able to buy your silence with it somehow I'll never be able to tell people that did he ate cereal out of my bowl you know anyway what do you guys think about going over the three words from a listener sure yeah yes I wish someone would buy my silence I don't say anything. Well, see, that's why you don't always buy it. I don't reveal shit. That's exactly why you're not gonna buy it.

You gotta be somebody who talks. That's true. I gotta be a squealer. I might become a squealer and then I got something, but then the alternative is that they they bump you off You know, you don't want to be too So much of a yeah, so much of a squealer that they bump you off You just want to be enough that they're like, well, we'll just Pull his big hair out And eat out of his bowl Andy if you were in... Yes Jack. No, this is one more attempt at a sketch that

could go nowhere before going to thing, but if you were involved in organized crime, probably a smart move would be to like let yourself be known as a guy who was like a squealer but also just wrong about everything. So that you sort of have your bases covered to there. Like everyone knows he's a rat but he also just doesn't know what's going on at all so it's fine. And even when he does know what's going on he he describes it incorrectly. Yeah. Inarticulate. Jimmy the inarticulate snitch. Ah yeah, you know what? My boss has been, you know, he's been putting a whole lot of stuff into tubes.

You know those things? Tubular kind of stuff. into, you know, into tubes. You know those things? You know those things? Yeah. Tubular kind of stuff. Yeah. He's trying to describe a executioner style shooting. But he's like, yeah, he's, you know, he's got one of those those things you can buy. And he's, you know, he's got, there's another person there.

You know what I'm saying He's making he's making cannoli yeah a bit like that a bit like that Can I just say another thing that I thought of before that I'd forgotten that was about religion, which is that when they do get caught up in these debates around like, oh, what is the exact nature of the Trinity and that sort of thing, and they'll split the church and then they'll have a massive, you know, wars for centuries and that sort of thing. I'd always been annoyed by that and being like, what are you doing? Like that's just, you know, that doesn't matter. None of that matters. And I realised today that it's just sort of, it really is just regular procrastination.

It's when you get caught up on little details, right? Sort of as an excuse to not have to do the big thing that you don't want to do. Because the big thing that they don't want to do is do the like, you know, love everybody, equality, distribute wealth equally, you know, the sort of stuff that Christ was actually interested in. So they're like, well, we want to, we're going to do that. We're going to get to that obviously, but first we got to- But we can't have people believing that there's three dudes yeah as soon as we get this three dudes thing sorted out then

absolutely we're gonna you know all our money towards saving people and making their lives better and stuff like that it's like the the spiritual equivalent of thinking you need a really good mic before you start making videos or something. Exactly. Exactly, yes. I bought two new notebooks yesterday. I have a box full of notebooks in the corner of the room that I have not touched. I bought two new ones.

It's like these ones, these are the ones. No, but I know that feeling. I'm currently writing in a new notebook, but that was like, it was like the first time I bought a notebook because another one was full. And I was like, oh my God. I actually have to buy one this time. It doesn't even feel good. It's just like a chore now.

That's not because I, there's so much potential that I could see in this notebook. It was just, I had to. It was like buying milk. Okay, wait. Alright, we got three words from a listener. The listener is a man known as Martin Hanel. Martin Hannell. Martin Honnell. Martin Honnell. Martin Honnell.

Now, Andy, maybe we could let Jack guess the second word. How did you feel about that? Okay. It's gonna really hurt if he gets it. It's gonna really suck for me. Yeah, I mean, that would be great. That would be even better for me. Okay, so Andy, do you wanna try and guess the first word?

Okay, the first word is, I'm gonna play real simple, okay? The first word is psychiatrist. No, Andy, but it does start with the same letter. So, and the second letter is only one off. All right, Jack. Oh, so we go, we guess all the words? No, you gotta tell us what that word is.

But no, tell us the first word first. Oh, sorry, sorry, I forgot to tell you what the first word was. Okay, the first word is but no tell us oh sorry sorry I forgot to tell you what the first word was okay the first word is pronounced so guessing the second word I remember I was asked to guess the word another time I was on here and I guessed poltergeist and I think in the same way of like hitting numbers at the casino or Lottery or whatever. Yeah, I think my odds are best if I go poltergeist again because it's got to come up eventually

Let me see Really be angry at yourself if you did change now and then exactly I said something else and this was poltergeist I Would not recover from that. Let me just have a look. I'm sorry. It this was poltergeist, I would not recover from that. Let me just have a look. I'm sorry, it's not poltergeist. The answer is like. Pronounced like. Am I guessing the next one or are you gonna guess the next one, Alistair?

No, I'll let you do it. Okay. Oh my gosh okay I oh okay so I reckon Martin Harnel he's given you pronounced like it's his surname yeah okay and it's how it's something that's gonna help it's a clue to pronounce how to pronounce harnel Yeah, so it's mountain harnel pronounced like What's pronounced like harnel well tunnel I'm gonna say tunnel No, it's not tunnel Andy it's anal it's Martin Hanel. But that's... this is all a ruse by you though. Because you said it was Martin Hanel to us.

I know, I know, but I couldn't change it. And then retroactively... Even though I had learned this moments ago. I Couldn't I couldn't change how I pronounced because I learned from the words I had to act like so I was a guy Talk me through your what's happening in your mind three words that say pronounced like anal and say pronounced like anal and then you go to say this one's from Martin and then a word that's spelled kind of like anal maybe or anal. Yeah.

And you say this is from Martin to Harnell. That to me seems like such a deliberate trick. Unless Alastair pronounces anal like Arnold. Do you pronounce anal Arnold? Arnold sphincter. No, so Jack, because maybe what you haven't encountered is that we've encountered this name before. I see.

And so that's how we were pronouncing it in years gone by. Right, right. And so that's the one missing piece of the puzzle I think. And so for you though, you're coming here with Virgin Ears and you're hearing this name for the first time and you're thinking Al has put on some kind of Psy-op. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm thinking. I and Andy can't get this word but what I could... Can I get a little bit of credit for correctly guessing what the...

The motif. The format of the motif, thank you, of the words was going to be. Yeah, all right. Here's a little bit of credit. Thanks man. Now what the what pronounced like anal words make me think of is anal articulation or or elocution lessons. Wow. It's the same kind of lady book on the head style you know walk around. Yeah right shove a whole lot of marbles in there and then you try and fart the words the rain in Spain falls mainly on the

Plain, but I don't want it to be farting. I want it to be It's she she's I respect that Alistair. Yeah, I want it to be there's There's like a difficult to access Like vocal cord social okay, right the vocal cord is there You just got a force in the right way Yeah, and then you can talk you like a posh lady. Yeah Well, but now is that your impersonation of how she sounds talking out of her ass to begin

with when she's Eliza Doolittle on the street or is that as good as it gets in terms of anal elocution? Is that performance considered the height of sophistication at the society function where she is going to go along and I assume when you go to the society function you do bend over grab onto your ankles and wear a kind of a dress that exposes your ass through a hole but your face and everything is hidden and you sort of shuffle around just sort of pretending to be some sort of weird aliens or I don't know. Oh, Mandy, that's exactly it.

That's exactly it. Yeah, great. It's the way in which we had once had two people doing that, you know, limousine pretending to be Prince Charles and Princess Diana, I believe, if you remember, in a sketch. We did do that. We did do that. And everybody was entirely convinced. But now you can see how they were able to pull it off with such beautiful allocution. Yeah, that's great. Does it still have songs in it?

Is it a musical? In the barn? Well, in the story that we're telling about this woman who gets anal elocution lessons, is it a musical or are we inventing the Pygmalion version George Bernard Shaw's original play? That the musical was based on what is someone else will have to come along and turn it into it What musical are you talking about it? My Fair Lady with Eliza do little never she gets the elocution rain in Spain You know marbles in the mouth. I assumed that was what you were riffing on for this whole thing

I think I've just seen the you know marbles in the mouth i assume that was what you uh... riffing on for something i think i i've just seen the uh... you know that trope of allocution is or even like people who actually do uh... allocation you know like people who actually do like manners and and etiquette stuff like that people that i you know

i probably they don't deserve me disliking them as much as I do. But I do. I think you reserve your dislike for so few people, Alastair. And then I think it's always fun when you reveal who one of those groups is. Yeah, I've seen an... The very on TikTok and he's filled me with pure hate. I can relate to that. It's like there's this weird, like they're talking about these rules that just are not anything.

Yeah. Like it'll be like, it's terribly uncouth to put this fork before this spoon. It's like, well, like, what do you mean? To who? You could just do that anywhere in the world. It would be fine. Like it's like, but it's, so it's this thing that applies to this tiny little group that you're just sort of pretending

Yeah, everyone like this is just the rules of life Yeah, yeah, but it really is like the absolute worst people in the world will think less of you If you use if you don't use the right spoon like the kind of people who care about this are Despicable, right? so people who care about this are despicable. Yeah. Right? So we've built this whole industry around teaching you to behave in this bizarre way that these... That pleases...

Attemptable human beings. They will. And even if you did, like, if you grew up believing in all these etiquette rules, isn't just like living in regular society, just like hell to you? Like you would be like just wandering around the shops or going to a cafe or whatever would just be like just this horrible mud pit of a society.

Yeah, absolutely. And then the only place you could get it would just be at home with a select few where you could feel fine. It's a way of isolating everybody and considering everybody else a savage. Breaking all the rules that they've never heard of. Andy touched on something before that I just wanted to look back to for a sec. When you were doing the voice of the anal elocution and it was like hey, how you doing like that kind of voice

was that You've done all the elocution lessons and that's the best you can make your anus sound or that's like day one Yeah, I thought I figured out how to make it. I thought that was like the best you could make it sound Yeah, great. Yeah Yeah, yeah That you spend years of training and then you can go to these fancy garlands. Your majesty, good to see you. Your majesty is great. Yeah, something like that. Maybe not as weird as this. I mean ultimately what do you expect? I mean you're talking out of an asshole, okay? It's not built for this.

That's just still very impressive like that's a like a dog that can you know do square roots or something you know that's it doesn't matter if he's a few numbers off. It's pretty close. The fact that it even kind of understands what it's meant to be doing. The fact that he was able to write down numbers is pretty impressive. Oh, he's writing them down? Oh wow! That is very funny to me. A guy walking back his world's smartest dog circus routine. Where he gets, he's drawing everyone in with the idea of a dog that can do math and that it can't, but he's like, but you know, however many dogs can write the number four, almost none. Yeah, I think it would be amazing for the guy who discovers that he thinks that the

dog's trying to do square roots because Because he's not getting them right. But he's like, this is always just a few numbers off of like, like the square of some number that's been, yeah, the square root. You go, fuck, yeah. It looks like. And it's doing the formula correctly, but it just can't count. It doesn't know what order the numbers come in. It understands what a square root is and it understands that numbers have value. It

doesn't know in what order the numbers are meant to come. He can only really count to three. That's all his mind really lets him do. Because there are no perfect squares below four. That's the tragedy of it. If he could just get to four, he'd be able to do the square root of four. But he's having to, because he can only get to three, he's having to deal with all these really nightmarish decimals.

And he can only do really, like he can only really do it with multiples of three. Some of, you know, like, so he can do sort of like, you know, 309 or something like that. And that's how he's figured it out. But because he breaks it down into multiples of three, he's really working in base three. That's how he does it in his... The idea of a dog that can try to do square roots is really, really good's like it's he can't he cannot do it This dog can almost continue.

And on the light side today, there is a dog in Orlando, Minnesota who can almost do square roots. Step right up, ladies and gentlemen. Give me a number of your choosing and let's see this here hound give it his best try. Off by nine, but not bad. The dog knows he's getting it wrong as well and he gets really frustrated. He's really angry at himself. But he's not getting better either.

There's no sense he's learning or... No. Yeah. There's no sense in learning or... No. He's absolutely used all of his mental capacity to be able to just do this. It's maxed out. It can't fetch, it can't shake paws or do any other dog stuff. It's just 100% capacity on kind of understanding what square roots are. Guys, I think I will take us through the sketch ideas, I believe. I wish you would. The first is post nirvana plus some sort of milking device for your penis.

This is a sort of a, you know, the next stage of religion for those who are now free from want, but still, you know, would love the opportunity to enjoy nice things, even though they don't want to. And then we have the, I'm sure I didn't write this down properly, but then it was while I was gone, the infantilizing was only for adults. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Then we have the boy, Yes. Yeah. Then we have the boy, the boy king seizes the throne. A cute child somehow takes the throne from a sitting king. We have a cool baby that everybody wants to be like and gets their hair cut like and everything like that. He becomes a very influential member of the fashion industry and no, not necessarily fashion, but just a very influential member of the fashion industry. And no, not necessarily fashion,

but just a very influential person, at least in his group. Everybody starts to drive sitting backwards. That's my favorite bit. Super rich in inner prescription windows. Sorry, inner prescription windows for the super rich. Or also out-of-focus objects. Just so that you know super rich don't have to wear glasses and they can... I guess the idea is that I think I just understood the

out-of-focus objects. So the out-of-focus objects the out of focus objects. So the out of focus objects are out of focus in a way that matches the prescription that you require. And so for you they would look right. That's right. Although there is the alternative version which is just like, well if they're already out of focus, then you are seeing them correctly when you see them blurrily.

So you're not wrong about them being blurry. But I do like that you have the blur in your eyes cancels out the blur in their thing. Yeah, that to me was why it was appealing to the super rich. That it's now a thing that only they can see. Yeah, sorry, I couldn't get my head around it earlier because I was too busy trying to almost get the square root of things. Then we have the fleshlight of Christ, which is made out of, you know, wafers, but then that also goes into the the Christ wafer exoskeleton that you can put on and then bring back Christ, but then you can put

on another one and then get a sort of Hulk-Christ and then put another one until you're able to fight King Kong and Godzilla and then they build one as well and so on and so forth. And now all our worst fears have become reality. Godzilla has gained access to a Christ exoskeleton. There was one that had been built for me. I'm imagining that being a frantic newscaster screaming out the Japanese news in subtitles.

Yeah, it was like for the Macy's Day parade float. They'd made a huge one. Oh no! And then somehow Godzilla found it. This always happens, this always happens. Mr. President, when I built this sentient Christ exoskeleton, you gotta believe me, I had no idea Godzilla would get his hands on it.

And his whole body inside of it was burnt down. Then we have an ad for a flashlight by a guy who has had sex with flashlights. It's actually a huge improvement. Then we have the single big hair. Thank you. Which is, and then some, it's pulled out by a rich guy who wants to eat cereal out of your bowl.

And then we have Jimmy the inarticulate snitch. We have spiritual procrastination and so you end up creating a new religion. We have anal elocution lessons. And we have dog that can almost do the square root. I'm not saying he could do square roots. I'm saying he's trying. NASA were very interested in this dog for a little bit until they actually saw what he could do and then they lost interest. What we've really got here is a dog who could be disappointed in himself. Yeah, he's he is he experiences

Self-loathing at an eighth grade level what he really has is a high enough intellect to be able to hate himself He's smart enough to realize he can't do baths Like ah, this isn't useful. Should we go into the song? Alright. Lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla, lidla Low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low low My channel is called Jackdrews. Beautiful name. Yeah, please check it out. That would be great. It's beautifully shot. It's very funnily acted. It's humorously written and performed.

Perfectly written. One of my favorite sketches. The directing is also very good. One of my favorite sketches. That's what I did. Jack, were you involved in any of the writing? I did all of the writing I did I did all of the writing and directing and producing and editing did you play characters like

Eddie Murphy I did so if it seems like I didn't that's how good I am Wow well Jack this has been a beautiful reunion. It's great to be back with the original other person. Yeah. The original home. If I find out there's ever been other guests, though, I will be steamed. Don't worry. You'll never find out. I'm not going to look into it right now on the call, but... Just putting that out there.

You don't need to worry, Jack. We're all a part of your body, and there are no other people. You don't need to worry, Jack. We're all a part of your body and there are no other people. And we love you. Bye.