Two In The Think Tank - 448 - "TOE-SUCKING ROBOT MOTHER"

Episode Date: October 29, 2024

Find Jack Druce's Sketch Comedy Pilot right here.There's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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he does a bit does a fair bit of banter and he says people always come up to me and they say James Brown when are you gonna release a best of? And he says I'm not gonna release a best of. Everything is the best of James Brown or something along those lines and that is the same. Every what the listeners don't realize is that we've only been releasing best ofs. That's right. Every so far. This is actually it's it's you know how some letter words have silent letters well these words have silent words and these silent and invisible words in front of two in the think tank is the best of.

This is actually TBT T I T T T and TBT. T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T Yeah, I don't cool. I don't want to be alive anymore You know what would be cool to be in this sentence like this is this is a sketch, right? They go to a country and they colonize it, but they also want to be a little bit respectful. And so when they rename Let's say they rename that the cities but they give it names that they think they would give it give to them they would give it give to them. This is a kind of name you would you would give it if you'd been colonizing yourselves which you're not but if you had been yeah so like let's say let's say like England goes and colonizes Japan and so they take over Tokyo and then they go, all right, well, we're not, okay, here's the deal. We're taking it over, all right? We all have to accept that.

Yeah. But we're cool. We're gonna change the name of Tokyo. And so we're gonna come up with three names, but we're gonna let you, and we're gonna make them sound like they're from here. All right, that'll be easier to accept. And we'll come up with three and we'll let you guys

choose which one you like. So, all right. So what do you think about this? Kang Dong. Kang Dong, well that sounds more like China, but okay, we'll take that on board. We'll take that on board, okay? Well, wait, I mean, we don't know.

Obviously, we're not great at this, okay? This is our first tip. You've had thousands of years to work out how to name things like you would name them It's not fair to criticize when we're doing our best. That's why we're coming up with three You know, we can have we can have two strikes, but the third one, you know, we got it. We got to get it Okay, and then this one will be what about this bokeh? Oh gotta get it okay and then the next one will be what about this bokeh oh all right so Saddam Manakie, Tendong or Bokeh oh which one do you like? I like that first one Sagina Maniaki was it? yeah... You're really good at this. Thank you. Thank you. You're really good at coming up with things that sound like

Japanese place names. You do prepare before you colonise. You don't just... You know, not every colonising is a riff, you know, you're just doing it off the top of the dome. How much do you think

they planned before they before they colonise a country? Like do you think when they land do they go oh yeah this is where we said we were gonna land or do you think they just land they go this will do? I think it's definitely the second one and I think and I think colonising it there's a lot of making it up as you go along. It's very jazz actually. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

So in a way it was kind of invented before the Americans did it. Even creating America was a form of jazz. Yes, that's right. And Alastair, I think there's also a broader sketch to be had in the idea of woke colonizers. They are invading and you know what what and straight away on day one when they land they are already calling it invasion day out of respect to the the original custodians of this land and and and to the and also to the current colonizers that were there before that. It's true. They do their own little welcome to country

when they land at Botany Bay, they read one out. You know what also would be fun is Being woke Like being woke towards Like a really right extreme right wing kind of culture of people Mmm. Oh, yeah, so like you go to like a Trump rally And you try to respect all of their customs there. It's a really good idea. Like, yeah, just going to like a... You read out a very respectful welcome to cunts before you address that bunch of despicable...

What is it? A basket of deplorables? I believe is the technical term. That's what they prefer to be called. It was binders full of women, but it was a basket of deplorables. But I think there is a real lesson there, which is that you should never put all your deplorables in one basket.

And I think there is a real lesson there, which is that you should never put all your deplorables in one basket. And I think in all seriousness, I think that that was the real, that is one of the problems about humanity in general is that somehow, somehow in order to make progress, we do need to convince some bad people to come along with us on any kind of progress we're trying to make. It's an unfortunate fact that whenever a movement moves forward, you need some very bad people involved. They'll be motivated by the wrong reasons. They'll be motivated by self-interest, by money, by sex, by power, whatever it is. But unfortunately, once

you realize that 50% of people are below average, you just need them on board somehow. So yeah. Well also, also wait can more than 50 percent of people be below average it certainly feels like it it certainly feels like a really high average because like like because of an outlier just like let's say let's say with wages yeah okay let's say with wages, you know? Yeah, okay. Let's say with wages, so there's like a 900 billion person or something like that, and then most other people, you know, or there's like, you know, a hundred people who are really high,

and then most other people are really low. Could the average be like, you know, 200,000 above what most people make? That's a really good point Alistair and I think you might be right. Is it mean? I'm just trying to like is it mean to say that? No, is it the mean that has 50% below? Yeah well I think the median, the median would be a more accurate one that the median is better at getting rid of the outliers right? Discounting them. Yeah.

Which is what you're trying to do with your new philosophy of bringing along mean people. Mind, sex, right, that's right. I mean, is there a way that you could make a movement that is positive, but you only bring the awful people with you? Oh, okay. So, what is it?

Bigots for progress, that kind of a thing? Bigots for progress? Bigots for progress? That kind of a thing? Bigots for progress? Is it... Bigots for progress. Okay, what kind of things are they doing? The bigots for progress? I mean, bigots for progress is a great idea, but like, what are they doing? Is it like, but are they like, are they, is it bigots for racial equality? Like, what do they do? But are they like, is it bigots for racial equality? I hope so. I mean, that's one of our goals.

Okay, so they hit the BFP. Which also is the initials of the Britain First Party, which was a famously racist organization. I'm just gonna step in here while you're starting some more initials-based comedy. Yeah. Oh. Where you told me that you wish I had stopped you so I'm just flagging that you're hitting the initials pretty hard today. Yeah, thank you. I think you've had enough. I'll tell you when I've had enough. E-Y-I-H-E.

You left out W. Oh fuck. That's okay. I just don't truly believe that there's two U's in there. There should be more double letters in there. Maybe there's a whole secret double alphabet. You know, double A, double B BB, CC, etc. Oh, so like W has traveled in from like a parallel universe.

It feels like it's an interloper. A parallel letter-verse. Well, I mean, if we look at the periodic table of the letters, right, the existence of W indicates to us that there could be, and look, I'm going to call it supersymmetry, right? There could be some greater supersymmetrical thing that we are able to infer the existence of all these other double letters. I don't see why they shouldn't exist. And they could have very exciting new properties. Now, it feels like every, I'm gonna say 60 or 70

episodes to In the Think Tank gets into a real heavy extra letters kind of conversation. But I think this new one, this new one has a very solid bounding basis in sides and I'm excited to pursue it. Well I mean you would obviously as somebody who loves initials based comedy a whole lot of new letters It's got to be very exciting for me So so wait so not only so there's a whole new alphabet of 26 letters But then you think that makes you think well no probably only 25 Yeah, unless do they have extra letters that are doubled that we don't know.

And that's how we could find out that there's other letters that we could discover for our single letter alphabet. Oh wow, if we find them in the double form first and then we work out how to split them in half. Well, I mean, that's very interesting if what we actually discover is that some of the letters that we think of as single letters are actually double letters, like the Y for example. We think of it as being a single letter but it might be actually two letters and if we could split it in half we could get smaller letters out of it. I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying

this conversation Alastair. Andy I guess if you really look at some of them, M is really double N. Oh or a double A or a double upside down V at least. Or at least double R. Ah or an R and an N. Well you know know, small ones. But like, because it went really rich. What? Or what? No, nothing. Just... Were you about to do an initial space joke? No, I wasn't going to. I was just like,

the grudging concession that you made with, oh, maybe small ones. Like, I was... I'd finally pushed this thing too far and you needed to rein me in a little bit. Anyway. Just, you know, but look, let's see, X, X is kind of like, is almost, look, it's either,

it kind of is a double V back to back. But we don't have to say what they are doubles of because I think that's what we're saying is that if there are, that they can be split further we could discover smaller letters other letters that we haven't yet discovered so we don't need to spend too much of our valuable thinking energy which we need for coming up with more great initials based sketches working out what those letters actually are going to be. How about this? How about we know, we change how we do things. Instead of coming up with a sketch and then having an initials, how

about I give you some initials and then we come up with a sketch based off of the initials? That's a really good idea. Okay a co-host. What are those? TSRM. Oh, four letters. TSR, toe sucking robot mother. Oh yeah. So, the robots have taken over.

And obviously the way that they really did it was by building a large robot that could build other large robots in her guts. Yeah. Right? Robots with guts? Oh, builds them in its guts. Yeah, in its guts. Sort of like a woman does. In your guts. In

up in the guts. They just do it in their guts, don't they? They got a lot of person factoring in their guts. Yeah, I mean, it's a real warning sign. You're in there, you're in the operating theater, you're about to have your baby delivered, either a natural birth or a C-section, and you overhear the doctor using the word guts a lot. Yeah. I'm... That's a red flag. Yeah.

He says, I'm up to my elbow in guts. Yes. Well, I think maybe that's- Because this is a cut open situation. Yes, I think, okay, it's a cut open situation. Yes, I think okay, it's a cut open situation. But I think what what I guess what that's one of the great things about putting somebody under general anesthetic. Yeah. One of the perks of being a doctor is you can say anything. You can call them the guts whatever you want and I bet that feels really good to

them. To the doctor or to the person who's unconscious? To the doctor. I mean the person who's unconscious they don't feel a thing. No harm no foul, right? But as a little extra perk for the doctor they talk about the guts a lot and they love it. Docs that talk about guts. Well they spend so long learning the proper words for everything. Yeah, that would feel good. There are probably some forbidden taboo words. They probably don't let you say guts in medical school. And just how as you become a doctor, you get called a doctor. But then when you become a surgeon, you go back to being called mister because you're

just you can go back to just being a regular person. You're advanced enough to be able and as a regular person Not a dot. I'm not technically a doctor. I'm a mister you can use the street slang of the After back alley doctors. Oh, yeah That's cool. Yeah, you get your street cred back And maybe you're allowed to do one back alley operation a month. I mean, it would be nice to have a back alley themed

hospital where it is all very clean. It's in a vets and the surgeon talks like they do stuff with the mob. Oh, that's really good. Yeah, and you come in, you can come in for, let's say, some sort of, I guess a colon tightening operation. I don't know if that's a real thing, but something that's not fun and sexy, right?

But you come in and they'll treat it like you'll get dumped at the door, right? Rolled out of a Moving car like you've been shot somewhere. Okay, and they'll drag you in and they'll operate on you On on this vet type table. And yes. Yes, you're having an undignified not vet type table and yes, yes you're having an undignified, not an operation that anybody wants to have, you know, there's an admission about human frailty, about mortality, about the mortifying ordeal of living in a human body that none of us want to have to make What would be what we all do want to do is pretend a little bit that we're in the mob and We've been involved in a shoot-up at a warehouse and we've dragged ourselves to the door of this fence and we're paying a guy

200 bucks in blood-stained dollars to sew us up and While they're in there. Yes, maybe they tighten your colon a little bit. But you come out with a... they'll cut in a little gunshot wound that they'll sew up as well. And... See, that's nice. Or they'll give you a gunshot and they go, Oh, you know what? How about this? At this place, they'll let you get shot for fun to see what it's like, and we'll sew you off straight away.

Because think about like, you know, because sometimes you get plastic surgery to make yourself look younger or cooler, you know? But what about to get, what kind of surgery do you get to get more street cred? Yes. I mean I guess he could just sort of, a surgeon could fabricate a bullet hole wound in your sort of chest as well?

Surgically, surgically, yes. But for realism you might want to use an actual gun. He can do it as a surgeon. He's able to do it in a way that misses all of the organs He's got a certain man to have that that stable surgeons hand on the on the Yes He as the surgeon who is a woman in this case Says to the nurse who is a man in this situation

the surgeon who is a woman in this case says to the nurse who is a man in this situation okay they say okay magnum 45 like that in that voice stat like that now you're handed a gleaming fresh from the autoclave 45 BBs Oh, BB gun. Yeah, I need 45 BB guns. So the mother robot sits there and she manufactures, but where does she get her, the materials, where do they come from? Well, because the robots have taken over, they've made these giant robots that are bigger than buildings and they walk around and they trample on cities like that. And the steel and the concrete and the wires and all that kind of stuff that's in those

buildings get caught. Tangled in their toes in their toes and then they then walk back to the mother and she sucks their toes and gets all these materials for building new robots in her guts it's a really good idea Alistair I mean there's always gonna have to be a system, isn't there? And you know what? A cistern, or indeed, for that matter, a system.

And what could be better than this one that you describe to me? It's called orange. Well, I mean, I don't know, I don't think it matters what's the best. I think it matters what's working. And so if they just, if that's how they evolve together, you know, and that's what's working for them.

I don't think it's entirely, they're not companies. They don't need to be the most efficient thing ever. They just need to be functioning to stay alive. Well, I mean, and it doesn't, it's not really that crazy either, is it? Because I mean, we think of it, getting tangled in the toes, that's a bit weird, right? But why do we even, as humans, we don't really use our toes for anything, right? It's natural for us to think of toes as being sort of useless, little peg type, almost a bit of decoration on the foot.

But it wasn't that long ago that those were prehensile toes that we would use for gripping, for grabbing food, for collecting things as we, as exactly, were monkeys grabbing things with our feet. And actually, so to not use our feet for collecting nutrients for our young is actually more unusual than it is to collect it. So we are the outlier in this situation and we shouldn't rush

to judge these giant robot mothers. That's right it feels silly that as creatures that need sustenance from both plants and sometimes animals that we're constantly walking around especially when there's like lots of little like brown birds almost at our feet at all times when we're in walking around, especially when there's like lots of little like brown birds almost at our feet at all times when we're in the city and stuff. Why are we not kicking those upwards straight into our mouths and crunching their bones with our teeth?

It feels like that's the skill that hacky sack was trying to teach us all along. I mean, that's, it would be an amazing outcome for us to I guess maybe if I had spent one moment biting down on hacky sacks because it also gives you that I think biting down and having those beads in there would give a real crunchy feel that wouldn't be that dissimilar. That feeling of crunching into bird bones. Yeah crunching into bird bones. Yeah, crunching into bird bones. It's going to be one of those things where, you know, it's like, to bring you back to

science again, you never know where scientific progress is going to lead, right? Sometimes it's worthwhile just for the intellectual edification of, you know, of investigating a mysterious phenomenon, right? But that doesn't just apply to a science. That apply, but you know, sometimes it then also turns out to have a real-world application is what I'm trying to say. You know, maybe you invent Velcro, you know, but so it is with all sports. That's right sports and hobbies. You don't know when life is gonna take you down a path

where all of a sudden what people thought was a useless skill, hacky sack, turns out to be essential to your survival. That's right. I mean, I imagine it would be especially useful in a place like the country of New Zealand where they have so many small flightless birds Are not used to predators and I don't have a lot of evidence for this But I feel like they probably also have a lot of hacky sack

That's true. It does seem like a country that would enjoy to hack a sack seem like a country that would enjoy to hack a sack. Exactly. And also, do you think that, because when you think about having feathers in your mouth, right? You often think about the germs that, you know, our parents told us were on birds when we were young or whatever.

But there probably could be some pleasantness from having, like as far as the textures you could have on your tongue Like like a like a whole mat of bird feathers, especially a small bird Like that resting on your tongue. It's like a blanket for your bed for your tongue Well It's true. I mean We make we make dunas out of bird feathers. That's right. We lie under them. We lie on top of them with a feather bed and you're telling me I

can't also have them inside my mouth? Doesn't seem all that likely. Is that what you're telling us? You're saying they feel great to have on your body everywhere except for around your tongue? Yeah. Hmm. Because why did they spend so much time telling us that bird feathers were so full of germs? I don't understand. They don't look like they are. Yes. You know what I mean?

Bird feathers don't look like they're germy. I reckon they might actually, because they might actually be not too bad for you. Why don't they want us to put bird feathers in our mouths? Let's get to the bottom of this. But I am thinking about a product that is a little blanket that you could tuck your tongue in. I like that. I was about to suggest a little mattress for your tongue or something that you could put under your tongue that your tongue can sit on because you're not talking all the time. A little thing.

Yeah, like a sleeping bag? A little cushion type thing. But it would be kind of nice if the tip of your tongue was the head of the tongue. Yes. You know, so then you'd almost have to push down like a kind of like a boob tube over the base of the tongue. It's a really good idea. And then put a little like sleeping hat on the tip of the tongue.

Put a little pillow, maybe a marshmallow, under your tongue. Yes. So that your tongue can rest its head. Rest its weary head. Well, also an effect that this might have is that if it's true that there are different flavor senses on different sections of the tongue, then much like wearing colored glasses to see the world with a different hue, if you put on a sort of a complicated sort of tongue bikini that blocked out the sections that you don't wish to taste,

you might be able to taste, filter out the tastes and taste a sweeter world or a more bitter world. Well, that's true. Like, cause like children, apparently one of the reasons why they're so fussy early on is because they're very sensitive to bitterness because most poisons are bitter and they're so small and then you can take it down. And so if you could put, say like a, you know,

a little tongue speedo to somewhere down on their tongue that covers up the bitter receptors and then you just feed them all the broccoli they could eat or whatever you know Brussels sprouts for days yes and they're just getting the sweetness and that beautiful leafy green flavor they get to enjoy just that rubbery texture get to focus on that I mean texture. Get to focus on that. I mean, you know, it feels like a kid, you know, a lot of a kid's youth is spent chewing on rubber. Mm-hmm. It's a real...

They should enjoy that more, shouldn't they? Yeah. You know? It's a good idea. Alastair, I've made notes of two things here, okay, that I wanna run by you. Okay, this one is a sketch idea that has been bumbling around in my brain, right?

One is, it's very short. You know, Vegemite, right? So this would be, I don't quite know how to form this, but it feels like it could be a TikTok thing, right? So you know Vegemite, right? That's a spread when you open the cupboard to look in the pantry, that's a spread that sits on the shelf there.

That's Vegemite. But then there's VeggieTite, right? Which is a spread that sits upside down on the shelf above and hangs down. See what I'm doing? Yeah. Stalagmite and Veggie Tite. Veggie Mite and Veggie Tite. Sorry to our international listeners, but this is a popular Australian spread that accounts for I think 90 or 95 percent of our culture in this country. Yeah well since they released the

squeezable ones it is quite a different product. They are actually enjoyed one from the top and the other one from the bottom. Oh as the squeezer Yes, I see what you're saying. Yeah. Yes, it has to be inverted and squeezed in that way. Yeah. And so you could, that could be your, your veggie tight. I think maybe I'll pitch this to Veggie Might as an April Fools campaign. I think it's a good idea. I'm a big April fools a corporate April fools guy now I mean if you could just get if you could just get Work in advertising only working towards April fools Look your whole thing. It's a beautiful, you know

It's that it's in many ways the highest form of comedy, the corporate April Fools prank. That's right. And why I got into the business in the first place. Well, it's a victimless... and it is a crime, but it is victimless. Okay so there's that idea, which is, you know, I think we'll agree, pretty flawless and fully formed. Yeah, great. I mean, it's about to get you on the boards of some of Australia's biggest company.

And then this is my other idea, is that you know how really rich people, at least historically, would have a food taster who had to eat something or a bit of whatever they were about to eat to check if they were going to be poisoned? Yeah. Right? Now I'm not sure how long you would have to wait between them having a mouthful and you having your mouthful to see whether or not they died. It feels like the food might be pretty bad by the time you came around to eating it. But this is another modern version

to stop people being poisoned by gas. It's a breather, right? So I imagine an Elon Musk or something like, because when you breathe in and breathe out, the air that you breathe out still has a really high oxygen content, okay? So this person's job for Elon Musk is to breathe every each lung full of air for him

and then exhale that into Elon's mouth. So he never actually breathes air straight from the atmosphere. He has somebody who he locks lips with for each breath of air and they exhale it. And then does he end up having a sort of a hidden child with this person as well? It feels inevitable. Yeah.

I mean, he probably can't help himself. How many do you think that? So wait, so like, but why, I mean, I don't really want to question why he's only breathing breathe there. Well, so that the other person can breathe in, check if there's any noxious fumes in the atmosphere. That's right. If anybody's been injecting any gas or something into the room that they're in and he won't

breathe directly from the room. He'll only breathe from their lungs when they exhale. And I think what would be good is that if he, the other person also just has to like hold down the breath for like 30 seconds just to make sure. Until he's, oh yeah, great. So he might actually have to have four or five people on the go, right?

So that he has a constant stream, but they are sort of gestating each breath within their lungs for a while to confirm it has no toxic component. Maybe he could sort of be wearing a sort of scuba type thing. But but the pipes go to three or four people following him behind that are just breathing into a sort of a reverse bagpipes that gets pumped into his lungs. Yeah, so they just take a big breath, hold it for 30 seconds and then blow.

And then when he's ready, you know, usually if four people are doing that, there should just be enough air for whenever he wants breaths. I think that's good, yes. And he might not even have to, if they are able to put a bit of pressure in when they breathe in, he won't even have to use his own lung power to inhale, which feels like it's not worth, it's not a good use of his time or mental capacity. That's true. You know, if he's working on lots of other things, even those automatic parts of the brain

that normally do those sort of lizard brain style tasks like breathing in and out, well, he's turned those over to higher level functioning so that he can operate on a higher level and keep doing really great, making really fantastic decisions like all the ones he's doing at the moment. He has more time to think about tweets,

comebacks to people with one or two followers, memes that he can send them when they say something mean about him. He is... He's been very interesting, hasn't he, recently? Appearing on Welly and Trump. Yeah, it's going well. Going on... what's his name there? And saying like, yeah, if Kamala wins, I'm fucked! I didn't see that. Where did he go on?

No, that was on, you know, Carson, who's the guy who left Fox? Tucker Carlson, yeah. Yeah, I think when he was talking about him, that was the same place where he was making the comments like doubling down on his joke about saying, well they don't, they're not going to, nobody's trying to assassinate Kamala. Wow. they're not gonna, nobody's trying to assassinate Kamala. Wow. But his reasoning is that it wouldn't make a difference because you'll just get another puppet

that represents the same thing that she does. Right. That's his reasoning. Yeah, I feel good about that. There's no point, that's what assassin people think. Well, there's no point because she'll just be Replaced by another puppet. Yeah, that's classic assassin thinking. Yeah, they're always thinking one or two steps ahead

These assassins I won't even bother assassinating Well, I'm not gonna get the change that I wanted the instant. Mm-hmm Andy technically we have numerous numbers of sketches, and so I could take us to three words from a listener, if you're willing. I'm willing. Well, Andy, these three words today come from Hungry Metal Gobbler.

Oh, hungry, lovely to hear from you. Thank you for contributing these three words. Thank you so much. I like to refer to them as metal, that's more my thing. But I like that you go with hungry and I think that's what makes us different. I'm more of a metal guy, you're more of a hungry guy. I think that's what makes us different. I'm more of a metal guy.

You're more of a hungry guy. Now Andy, Hungry sent in three words from a listener and I think that listener is them. I reckon Hungry Metal Gobbler will have loved that sketch about the toe sucking mother robot. Yeah, well I mean. Maybe we should have a new bit that we do every episode of the show where we talk about which sketches a hungry metal Gobbler would would have loved

Like I mean, it's perfect. I mean the fact that we had an actual sketch about a hungry metal gobbler. Yeah It feels like I Mean, it's perfect. Okay, would Okay. Would hungry metal goblers like this? Do you think that they would like colonists who try to be respectful by renaming cities So that they sound like the place that they're from they're in? We're still gonna rename them, obviously. Yeah. Alastair. Three words, I've gotta guess them. Yeah, All right.

Three words, I've got to guess them. Yeah, first word. Okay, the first word is ream. R-E-A-M, ream. Oh Andy, you see, your first mistake was going for a word that exists. The word is univ-vorse. Univ-vorse.

Univ-vorse, it's sort of the first half of like universe, but the second half of divorce. Oh, I thought it might be the second half of horse, like a centaur. No, not univ-vhorse. Well, it's C-E, divorce, divorce has a CE, right? Yeah, correct. Univorce. Yeah. Well, then the second-

But it could also be somebody divorcing from themselves. Okay. Yeah, I see what you're saying. Do you want to guess the second word? Oh God. I'm gonna give you a hint. It's a word. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. Oh, okay, okay. Universe.

Lawyer, second word lawyer. Holy fuck, Andy, it is lawyer. You serious? I'm serious. I'm getting so good at this. How are you doing this now? It is like we are doing some kind of double blind test to prove that I couldn't possibly be reading this off your sheet because you are, for safety's sake we have put you on the other side of the world.

Yeah. Univorce, lawyer, um, God. Divfft, God. Divorce lawyer. Well, there is no third word. What else could go on there? Univorce lawyer. If you're 41, you can just throw out anything. Fees.

Oh Andy, that's so embarrassing. Affair. Universe lawyer affair. Wow. I mean, the first thing that I think of, and I think the first thing that a lot of people are probably thinking of is a sort of extra-dimensional being, right, comes to Earth and serves us with a universe papers, which is where the universe has informed us that we don't want to be, they don't want us to be in the universe anymore, right? They want us to get our own universe, move out of this universe and they want to in the universe anymore, right? They want to ask to get our own universe

Move out of this universe and they want to keep the universe and they also want to keep all the dogs There are on planet Earth. All dogs can stay Yeah, the dogs can stay they want the dogs And of course pet owners, nobody who knows the dogs and stuff like that stay so it's just all humans have to go that's right, yeah, but I think this is a sort of a rom-com style thing where this extra dimensional being is voiced by Tom Hanks and we as humanity, even though it's so wrong and it goes against everything in the universe court code of conduct, we fall in love with this being as a species. And it's very megrine, it's very sleepless in Seattle. And so it wants to date all of us?

Yeah, and so do we. I mean, there's a real, you know, obviously it's very standoffish to begin with. Yeah, because it's kind of just come to serve as papers. How big is it, do you think? The being? Yeah. It's really, really wide, but incredibly thin.

So it's like a wall. It's sort of like a big wall. A wrapping paper. Yeah. And how does it travel? Just travels wide like that? No, it travels sideways, obviously, and then rotates when it gets here.

Okay. Does it have a face on the front, or is it just kind of... I think it has a. Does it have a face on the front or is it just kind of? Is it something we recognize as a face? It has a lot of colors that sort of flash across it. Like on the side of a cuttlefish, I suspect. Yeah. Okay.

Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, but then how do we date it once we do? I guess we sort of climb onto it. It lies down horizontally. It's mostly a physical-based relationship. Next to the equator, and we all go on there and we climb on and run around on this big flat plane and sort of lie down, I guess, on bits of it as well,

maybe rub our genitals against it. And can we communicate with it? Yeah, well the colors and that sort of thing. It's like it uses them to communicate like a like a cuttlefish I think it'd be kind of cool. Yeah Hmm. No, I think it'd be cool if you like looked at it and then it would reflect back at you Sort of like you were looking into a pond So like your shape, but kind of a bit more alien. And then you would interact with it

and it would kind of just mimic you a little bit like that. But it does that along the way, along its length to everybody and interacts with everybody at the same time. Well, mirroring is a famous technique for- It's a beautiful technique. Putting people at ease, I believe. Although, it's also a bit creepy, so I don't know how much it can really put you at ease.

Yeah, I mean, I think that anything that is a technique... Mmm. ...for making somebody like you is always feels a little bit weird doesn't it? What about teaching people techniques to make people like them? Do you think that's something a technique that could make people like you? Yeah. You know it's sort of like teaching a man to fish. Yeah so I mean like... And what could be sexier than teaching someone to fish? So wait wait wait, wait, so like, oh right, all right, you're not saying like, it's like, tell somebody you like them,

and they'll feel good for a little bit, but then tell somebody, teach somebody how to like, how to be liked by other people, and you'll help them for life. Yeah, that kind of thing, yeah. Yeah. I mean, what a gift to give somebody say look I don't like you I'm not gonna be your friend but I could give you something

even greater than my affection I will give you a three-day workshop on how to make a friend I mean that is one of the saddest stories I've ever heard. You'll be able to make so many other friends. I mean it's actually quite an interesting story but it's like... For $700. I won't be your friend. You're my friend but I'll teach you how to... I mean I guess that's a little bit like a hitch, but it's not, you know. That was exactly where my brain went, Alastair. That is exactly where my brain went. Well, as you know, your brain is capable of reading all minds, at any moment.

But especially yours. And yeah, I think I, there should be more rom-coms, just friendship based. He's going to, this guy promises to be able to teach you how to make friends, but then actually you end up falling in friends with him. Yeah, but he doesn't want to be your friend, but at first. No, no. But he's also a people pleaser, so he wants to help you out. So he has this thing that he needs to overcome.

And so at some point he has to be like, as he's making friends with him initially, like as he can see the other guys falling in friend with him, he's like, God, I'm going to have to build the confidence to be able to tell him not to be my friend. And that's his journey. But then once he tells him, he realizes that's not what he wants. And that's another $500 to teach him that anyway.

That's right. Alistair, I need to wrap it up. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Well, we got colonists try to be respectful by renaming the cities that sound like the thing. We got woke colonists,

like woke colonizers. We got the wokely respecting the extreme right wing culture at a rally or event. We got bigots for progress. We got double letter universe. We got docs, doctors that talk about guts. And also back alley themed doctor's office surgeon. We have what Hacky Sack was trying to do, teach us was kicking birds into our mouths

and eating them raw. We got a sleeping bag for the tongue. We got Veggie Might and Veggie Tight, the April Fool's bit that Andy will get Andy into the successful new business. We got Elon Musk air testers that follow him around like a scuba tank. We got Alien tells us the universe is divorcing us, but the alien really gets into us

and wants to date all of us. Then we go, I wanna be your friend, but I'll teach you, I don't know, I don't wanna, I won want to be your friend but I'll teach you I don't know I don't want to I won't be your friend but I'll teach you a three day workshop on how to make friends so good we did it Thank you so much for listening to Two in the Think Tank. Good God. Good God we miss you. It's been so lovely. Andy has to leave. So take care of yourselves. Thank you for listening.

You know, you can give us a review somewhere. And we love you. Bye bye.