Two In The Think Tank - 45 - "EVERY PART OF THE KING"

Episode Date: September 18, 2015

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Hello, you're listening to In The Think Tank, the show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. I think we're getting worse at those introductions. Really? I think we're slightly out of practice. But also, I think, look, you've got to go to places where you've never been before in order to discover new great things. Mmm, Swaziland. Yeah, you've got to, like... Namibia. Great things are surrounded by fields of shit things that you have to trudge through in order to find these oasis of good things.

Not if you go to the supermarket or Ikea. They bring all the good things together. Yeah yeah just keep them all you know and but i'm talking about new relative proximity not things that have already been branded and packaged you want you want true novel unique gold that's like that's why i came up with that idea for whisper rap you know when was the last time you went somewhere you hadn't been? Today I went there. I was on that road. Oh yeah,

you were on Beach Road and some killers. I'd never been there. Had you trawling through a lot of shit to get to, I don't know, a good cafe.

Well, look, it was dark and you know, they don't normally serve coffee that late. What were you doing at dark?

Walking home. I mean, driving home. was dark, and they don't normally serve coffee that late. What were you doing at dark? Walking home. I mean, driving home. At dark. At dark. In the middle of the night, I went walking in my sleep. Through the valley of the night, through the river so deep. I don't know why. Look, to be honest, you've nailed that more than I've ever seen you nail a song.

And so I think that's why I was taken aback. Yeah, you were just letting me go with it. Yeah. I had you on the ropes. Oh, look, Andy, normally I would try to stop you. But today you were doing great. You do normally. See, I'm trying to find my way to a new and exciting place

through the surrounds of shit. I'm trying to get to gold. Yeah. The path that I usually try to take is through inept rap, and you get very uncomfortable. You won't let me take that path. I think that's fine. No, no.

I don't mind the rap. I think it's the hand movements that bother me. It's all that... I don't do hand movements. Yeah, it's the hand movements. bother me. It's all that. I don't do hand movements. Yeah, it's the hand movements. I don't do hand movements. And this is slander. I just need to point out that mine was, they were fields of shit.

No, fields of bad ideas and then islands of good ideas. Right. And I think yours was just expanses of shit and then there's gold in there oh okay i see so you're saying that there's a whole sort of new world that we could reach not just sifting through garbage to try and find one particular nugget no no i'd like i picture sort of barren lands barren lands with, like, short grasses and shrubs and things like that, and then you find, you know, they're all different shrubs, and sure, they might be interesting enough, but, you know, there's one in there, there's one in there that's

got leaves, there's a sap in there that can cure, like, you know, leukemia. Oh, these shrubs sure are interesting enough. No, you go on. I'm fine here. Yeah, a lot of people. Yeah, I've got a really low threshold for interest. I'm easily overwhelmed. But do you ever think about that?

Like coffee, for example. Coffee is the one plant that has thrived now on Earth because humans have chosen it to be... Because it played its cards right. Yeah, it played its cards. And it gave us what we wanted. Yeah, but because somebody found a great way of preparing coffee beans that really kind of went viral.

Yeah. Right? And you kind of think, well, maybe there's all these other plants where their fruit hasn't been... Like, we haven't found the ideal way of preparing it, but it could be way better than coffee. We could be having stuff that as soon as it touches your mouth, you have pseudo orgasms. Well, I think that's kind of heroin and cocaine stuff, right?

Like I think maybe coffee is just the limit of what was acceptable. But what about, there could be things like cocaine and heroin that are not that good Not that good, I mean obviously that's the dream, but you can't have that, you can't get that good It could be nice, sorry if I was looking at that thing, but that is that good but it doesn't cause all that damage But also what would we do if there was just things that were that good? I know. Imagine a heroin that doesn't destroy your life. How that would destroy people's lives.

Well, this... Okay, so this is my... I wasn't listening adequately to that sentence. That was a great sentence and a very good question. Thanks, man. Yeah, is it is it like is it possible to have something that good that doesn't destroy people's lives right is it just the too much of a good thing it doesn't matter what it is yeah it's just

is there a sketch idea in that so somebody's found a way of well i mean that's actually quite kind of a quite an interesting sketch somebody's found a way to take all the ill effects away from heroin. Yeah. So you only get the good feeling. Yeah. And then everybody's just cooped up in their houses, just on heroin, falling asleep. And being like, I'm so glad there are no bad effects from this heroin. Meanwhile, everything's falling apart.

Yeah. But everyone's like, we've never been healthier. Yeah. We're getting tons of rest. This heroin is full of vitamins. Yeah, and so much exercise when you get up and go get more heroin. We're getting tons of rest. I've just quit heroin, and it's going to be tough to get my life back together.

But fortunately, I've had a lot of rest recently, so I am, you know, I'm good to go. I'm ready for this challenge. Yeah, like, you know, there's chemical withdrawals and stuff like that from, you know, ceasing to use opiates. But the benefits, have I said this before, the benefits that you must get from being so well rested? I don't know. It's not as bad as it could be. I actually think maybe you did have a bit to this effect. Something I don't know. It's not as bad as it could be. I actually think maybe you did have a bit to this effect.

Something about, you know, but it makes you sleep a lot which is good for you. Oh yeah, that's true. I think now you've turned down your thing

too much. Sorry everyone for all the fiddling around with the levels. I'm trying to get it right, trying to hit a sweet spot. Yeah, that's cool. I think you're

in a pretty good place. You could almost go a tiny bit, I mean, of course you're not a sweet spot. Yeah, that's cool. I think you're in a pretty good place. You could almost go a tiny bit. I mean, of course, you're not even speaking now. Yeah, I'm not. Is this okay, Al? I think that's beautiful. That looks real beautiful.

Thanks for staying with us through this difficult time in the podcast's history. I don't even think it was really that bad before. I'm just... I felt very tense. It's just my eyes are attracted to changes in waveform. Really? Yeah, you know, I'm like a T-Rex. I used that comparison in a sketch I was writing yesterday.

Yeah? I tried to suggest that old people couldn't see you if you didn't move. Which, to a certain extent, I think might be true. Yeah. Well, you know... You know? Is this another thing we were discussing? So I first got to write down this first thing. might be true. Yeah. Well, you know... You know? Is this another thing

we've been discussing? So I first got to... I got to write down this first thing, but you mentioned the people moving thing. I'll mention it again. So I just want to write down...

I'll keep mentioning it. Mine was actually based around something to do with Alistair. Heroin... I was talking about the time when he approached me wearing an old man mask and I didn't see him there and i

didn't know he was in the house until i turned around and saw this old man standing next to me uh in the dark in a house that i thought was empty and i froze as if i thought that maybe old men like t-rexes couldn't see you if you didn't move. Yeah, but his eyes widened. And it was like, there was so much fear in there. So much. That he couldn't show it. That was all it was.

It was just a freezing of the body. Yeah, it was too much of a bad thing. Yeah. I was overwhelmed. What I was going to say was... So you wrote down heroin without any bad consequences. Yeah, and then how that ruins people's lives.

Maybe there's... Okay, sorry. Of course there's a sketch in that. I was about to say, maybe there's a sketch in that, but I just wrote it down as a sketch idea. But the thing... You know, like, if you don't move your eyeball? Like, apparently you can't see if you don't move your eye.

I think our eye is always moving to see changes in things, I think. You can't see if you don't move your eye. Right, okay. So, it's sort of an active process of just sort of, like, absorbing. Yeah, because your eye does these little micro jitters and stuff, doesn't it? Yeah. So, I don't know how, like, I don't think if it stops moving, you just go blind. Like, everything goes dark.

Yeah. But there'd be extra information that you get from those micro movements about when things are approaching you, going away, all sorts of stuff. Yeah. I wonder if fish, do you think fish... Oh, but also, that's right. Because we're actually doing little scanning things because the area that our pupil actually takes information directly from in our field of vision is very small. that our pupil actual takes information directly from in our field of vision is very small. And so it has to sort of scan around a little bit to get more stuff in,

into your accurate reading area. You've got peripheral vision, but that doesn't give you very useful information. It's not the best information, but it seems like your brain reacts faster to peripheral movement. I think that also might be true. Yeah. So it's like it's less clear information, but it's like quicker, faster reacting. Cuts straight to the chase. Gets things done. It's like a tough guy on the police force, you know?

He's a loose cannon, but he gets things done. He goes in there. He doesn't really always know all the information, but he shoots first and asks questions later, and he gets results. Yeah. And sometimes it also creates imagery that isn't actually there, but it's just like a just-in-case. Sometimes you see something

in the corner and it goes, it's a man and it kind of makes a man in your mind and then you look and then you go, oh, it's just a big pile of garbage. Yeah. Of a man. Shaped into a man. No, it's a man, but it's a big pile of garbage.

Of a man. I, it's a man, but it's a big pile of garbage. Of a man. Yeah, of a man. I just got that. I was thinking, you know, like the way that you could maybe advertise peripheral vision as like a product. You know, maybe like pre-peripheral, just like, you know, it's fast acting. It's a wider scope of... Yeah, wide ranging. Wide range.

What's full range of motion? It's... Wait. Sorry. This is to go on to infomercials. Do you remember the infomercials and when they would say full range of motion? I think maybe it was in the one that Mr. Karate was selling.

Mr. Karate? Mr. Mr. Karate? Mr. Karate, you know, like redhead karate, Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris, right. He had some kind of exercise machine. Yeah, exercise machine. You get a full range of motion. You get a full range of motion. And is that good?

Like, does that make it seem like it's a better thing for you? I don't know if my body, what, yeah. My body doesn't have a full range of motion. That's true, yeah. Your arm can only bend so far. Well, not anymore! It's only got about... You think it's like 170? 165 degrees of motion?

I think an infomercial that advertises a product that goes beyond the realms of human capability. Push yourself beyond the realms of human capability. I mean, it does mean that it won't be obsolete if you become superhuman, which is worth thinking about.

This is taking a leap, right. But we've kind of, in our society, and particularly in America, but here as well, with the American Dream or whatever, we designed the tax system around this idea of, well, I want to be, just in case I become a billionaire, I don't want to have to pay too much tax, so all these poor people vote against their own self-interest.

So it's kind of like that. It's like buying an exercise machine and saying, well, okay, what if I... Nuclear apocalypse comes, Well, okay. What if I... Nuclear apocalypse comes, the radiation morphs you into some kind of humanoid, dog-like octopus creature. Oh, no. Yes, that.

But also on a much more realistic level. When you buy, and my cousin bought like when he was like 15 bought like a home gym thing that he had in his house right and it had you know the weights so that when you're doing the bench press it can go up to like 300 kilograms or something like is the built-in maximum on that thing just in case you know you wind up you you build up to that point to be the strongest person in the world nobody ever gets past well that's not true but like you know starting out if you're just working on your home gym you're not going to get past i don't know 80 kilos or something like that like

people probably stay within this very minimal range yeah it's just funny the idea of somebody who uh who's like maybe buying gym equipment, right? And they're very, very weedy. But the salesperson maybe is explaining to them, well, but you're going to want a little extra. Yeah, of course. You could get another 100 kilos. If you get this model, it's got another 100 kilos in case you get really strong and you don't want to have to buy a whole new system. Yeah, you don't have to come back.

You're like, oh, you're right. I would hate to have to come back here. Buy a whole new system. Yeah, you don't have to come back. You're like, oh, you're right. I would hate to have to come back here. Buy a whole new system. That idea I find really interesting and quite funny. Now, the sketch idea that could go with that. Yes. Is either we could go, I mean, we could do different ones. But we could go to the silly place like what what if, you know, what if, like,

you eventually get deformed and, you know, you're some kind of, like, you know, either superhuman or some kind of morphed creature due to the destruction of the environment and whatnot. Or we can go, this is like a more of, like, a real life situation. You know, it's sort of like, look, this is like Boosh versus Louis. Yeah. It's a Boosh-Louis conundrum. Yeah. It's the Boosh-Louis dichotomy.

Dichotomy. Yeah, absolutely. Should I just write them both down? Yeah. Well, look, just say like full range of motion. Full range of motion. Full range of motion. But, like, if we could do, you know, we could start off with mine

and then extrapolate to yours somehow. I like the idea that, like, you know, it starts out with those, you know, getting all those weights, right, and getting the maximum number of weights. But then there's, like, these extra, like, levers and pulleys that you can get on there, like, in the eventuality that you do get mutated yeah and you wind up with an extra like four legs you're

going to want to have something to be able to work out like you're going to look silly if two of those legs are really bulked up and then the other three and you're not going to want to have to go back there yeah and you're not and you're at the end of every yeah it's like and you're not going to want to have to come back to the store oh you're you're right. That would be a pain in the ass. I'm wasting my Saturday. Well, yeah, and I hate those high-pressure sales situations where you always wind up buying more than you need.

So you're right. I should probably buy it now, because otherwise I'm just going to end up spending the money later on when I inevitably wind up massively ripped in an octopus. Yep. Rock octopus. It's going to be my... It's going to be my...

Rocktopus. Have you thought about that before? No. Okay, but then, look, what would a rock octopus be like? Alistair's just buying himself more time so he can write down this idea in more detail he doesn't really want to know what i think a rock octopus i do i want to know what's a rock octopus handy quick talk about it i'm genuinely interested tell me about a rock octopus would

have a guitar how many guitars would it play the See, I'm actually picturing the rock octopus as just made out of rock. Right, so he can't do any of those cool things that octopuses can do like where they squeeze down and go inside a jar. But

he can play the drums really well. So in a way you were right. Drums you say, eh? Yeah. I feel like I'm at a really terrible um like psychiatrists oh trump rock really so the rock octopus what are you what kind of songs did you play

uh um it's all right i can do this i can i can i can just rip i'm'm done. Sorry. I don't think I've ever written a sketch down with that much detail. It just felt like sometimes we go back through these notes and we don't know what the fuck the sketch is about. Yeah, and as is official, too, in the Think Tank policy, there's no way we're listening to these episodes again. No, I don't want to know what happened in the past. Moving forward. Yeah, look, because if something bad happened, it could mean that my life is bad and I don't realize. I don't want to realize.

Wait, what? Like, what if something... What if... Because right now I think everything that happened in the past in my life is mostly fine, right? Yeah, yeah. But what if... But what if it's all actually really bad things that have happened to me?

Right. But I don't think of it like that. And then if I look back and then I realize it's all awful, then I'll feel bad in the present. You get a bit of perspective. Yeah. God forbid. Or you realize that it's just repressed memories or false memories

or false repressed memories. Oh, no. those are the worst. Or repressed false memories. Wait, okay, so false repressed memories. So they're not real repressed memories. No, no. And then, yeah, because at first I thought of them as repressed false memories.

So you have a bad thought that you think that's how something happened to you as a kid, and then you're just like, let's just suppress that. And then the other one is, I don't know how the other one comes about. Okay, so you've got repressed false memories, right? Which is where somebody induces a false memory in you, or for some reason you generate a false memory, and then you push that deep down and you forget that it never happened.

And then there's false repressed memories. Right? Which is where you remember something from your past, but it's not true. You have a like, oh my God, this happened. Yeah. Right. Okay. So it's a false repressed.

Okay. So, but I was thinking of it as it's a memory that is still repressed. Right. Right. Yeah. But it's not real it's not real so you think maybe it's like you think you have a memory that is repressed that you don't want to bring up but it's not true yeah um maybe it's uh no that doesn't make sense i was gonna go down an avenue

yeah i mean if you sure it was an avenue and not like a crescent? Yeah, it certainly wasn't a boulevard, I can tell you that much. Oh, well, I'm glad. Could it have been an avenue? Yeah, that's what I said. Oh, damn it! Hey, Alistair. Yeah?

Haven't you been listening this entire time? I haven't. No, I said avenue, haven't you been listening? No, I haven't. Not the whole time. It was that time when I was't. No, I said avenue. Avenue, mean this. Avenue. No, I haven't. Not the whole time. It was that time when I was writing. I'm not responding to that! Rock octopus.

Oh, yeah? Ugh. But, no, but seriously, though. Would the rock octopus sort of be wearing, like, a blazer, sort of like a Bon Scott? Or a school uniform or whatever? Yes. Would he sort of jump across the stage on one leg? Yes.

All right, I'm done. I love those mimic octopuses. Oh, yeah. Mimic octopus? Yeah. That's fantastic. Do you think there's any mimic octopuses that mimic... You need to turn your sound up again.

Okay. Because I think you also move back a lot. I'm constantly moving. I'll go through this podcast at the end and I'll edit all the levels so it's all good. I promise. I probably won't. Yeah, don't do that. That sounds like a lot of work.

I don't know where I was going to go. I was going to say something about, pardon me. I was going to say something about the Mimic I was going to say something about the mimic octopus. Do you want me to edit out some of your belching and hiccuping for the podcast as well? Well, it's not belching, but it is kind of like... Like that, which I'm sure is going to come up in this audio, right? Yeah, yeah. People are going to know.

Unless they just think that I'm just skipping. Not skipping like a skip rope, but like I'm skipping like a CD. I'm skipping. Yeah. I'm training to be a boxer right now. I think when you were skipping, like, that would have been the perfect time to have that anti-skip module on your Discman back in the day. Yeah. But I think even that anti-skip module only went Discman back in the day. Yeah. I think even that anti-skip module only went

for like 15 seconds. Yeah, it wouldn't have worked for skipping. Or any useful purpose I don't think. Like other than maybe driving a little bit. Yeah, driving a little bit. It's good for driving a little bit. Alright, now...

No, there was something we were going to talk about. Oh, yeah, the mimic octopus. No, before that, there was a thing that we were talking about. Oh, false repressed memories. I think there's an idea in that. I think the idea of someone bringing their child to a psychotherapist, right? Yeah. And the psychotherapist diagnosing that the child has repressed false memories.

Okay? So, things that aren't real, but that it's forgotten. And we've got to bring these false memories to the surface so that we can expose them for the nothing they are. Do they have that conversation as well, the parent and the child

about, wait, wait, are these... So then she goes, this is this one, and then he goes, no, no, that's a repressed false... False repressed memory. Yeah. Unless it's a false repressed false memory. Wait, it's a false repressed false memory? False memory, yeah. Okay, wait.

No, let's not go down that avenue. You don't think you could unpack it? Oh, oh, what? Oh, Big Ben doesn't think he can unpack the false repressed false memory, huh? Hey, mate, I can unpack it. Oh, yeah? You think I can't unpack it? No, I'm not entirely sure you can unpack it.

I can unpack it right now. Yeah, let's see. I can unpack it right now. Let's see you unpack it. Okay, so you have repressed memories, right? Some of them are false because they weren't real memories. You've repressed them, right? And you have symptoms in your life that are a result of that false memory, right?

Yeah. What if you're exhibiting those symptoms without the repressed memory? So for some reason, you're exhibiting the symptoms. They're false symptoms of a repressed false memory. Thank you. Consider it unpacked. Wait, what do the symptoms represent? Please, make yourself at home.

The false of the represent. Please, feel free to put any of these garments I've just unpacked for you in the cupboards. Andy, I'm... Or on the padded coat hangers. Slip into a robe. Andy, you did real well. Everyone, please welcome here at the Avenue Boulevard Hotel. As you know, it is my policy never to listen back.

But I do believe you unpacked it, and I think you did a great job. Thanks. Thanks. Now, mimic octopi. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Octopities.

Yes. Octopi is also correct. Yeah. And? Octopuses. Pusses. Pusses. Pusses.

Pusses. We could experiment with them in different scenarios. Sure. Does it do Christopher Walken? That's obviously the first. Yeah. That's the first one that they learn. Yeah.

Come on! I don't know i don't think just like uh you know it's so dumb but get that video of the uh the mimic octopus right that's like pretending to be a coconut or whatever whoa is it pretending to be yeah it pretends to be a coconut sort of floating along the bottom of the the ocean I've seen them pretend to be other stuff. Yeah. So we get that, right? We do a bit of a commentary over that, saying that it's pretending to be a coconut. Then we just do some basic video editing.

We put Christopher Walken's face on it. And we say, here it is, doing Christopher Walken. Up his ass. Oh, oh, who's this? Oh, Christopher Walken's just coming by. And then he does Jack Nicholson. Yeah. All the classics.

Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah. A coconut? No, wait, that's just a coconut again. Who's someone who looks like a coconut? I guess like Burt Newton or something. Or Rip Torn. Rip Torn doesn't look like a coconut.

Well, I mean, if you shaved part of a coconut. If you were shaving a coconut, you could definitely get Riptorn's face out of a coconut. Something like that. If you were to make a sculpture of Riptorn, I think one of the best materials to start with would be a coconut. Sure. All the pros.

Do bronze and stuff. But the real experts do coconuts. The pros do this, but the experts... Yeah, no, no. There's got to be somebody who's above pro. Pro is just a guy who's getting paid. That's true. A lot of people can get paid.

A lot of... Even an apprentice is getting paid. So, that's a sketch, Alistair. Yeah. Mimic Octopus doing Christopher Walken. Okay. And then we go back to it pretending to be a coconut and we say, and here it is doing Rip Torn. Or a better example.

Nobody else is... Which almost anybody could think of. Alright, like... Who's got a brown... Urkel? The guy who played Urkel? I don't know who that is. You know, like Steve Urkel from Family Matters? Yeah, but I've never seen him.

I don't know what he looks like. I fell over and I can't get up. Does he look like a coconut? Well, you know, he's a small, he's a small, he was a small sort of black kid. Danny DeVito? Danny DeVito's coconut, like, yeah.

Definitely. No, Danny DeVito, because he's got, he's got like almost as much height as he's got width. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He's got a good height

to width ratio. Um, yeah, the lyrebird's an amazing creature. I feel like we've already talked about it on the podcast. It's like the mimic octopus of the land. Even though it's an air bird.

You know, it's like an air animal. You know, the lyrebird, and I'm really sorry if we've talked about this before, but the lyrebird makes sounds that make it sound like other birds and other things. So you'd think it was called the lyrebird because it lies about who it is. But it's not. I know. It's called the lyrebird, L-Y-R-E, because its tail looks like a harp. A lyre.

Oh, that's crazy. Insane. I wonder if the person who was naming it knew about the cleverness of the... It was a double entendre. It was like a homophone. Why are so many... Why do we expect double entendres to be dirty? Dirty.

Because I think that's where they're used at their best. That's true. I mean, the guy who... Like, you know, I think... Because I've mentioned... I think I've thought about this before once, where the idea of somebody who does either euphemisms or double entendres, but with stuff that has nothing to do with sex. Because usually you use it to kind of cover up saying something taboo.

Yeah. Right? But what if you're trying to like cover up that you are... Making references to accounting. Yeah. Yeah. Or hammering a nail. But then I think that then people would just interpret it as sex things.

Yeah, well, I think... So, can you then have a double entendre where you say you're in a sex context, but you're saying things that... where you actually mean something different? Because normally you're in a normal context and you mean something sexy. Yeah. Is that right?

Yeah, so you're going like, you and me, we could rub shoulders. That's definitely not. No, all right. That's a single entendre? I reckon something like... But I was going to say, if you know what I mean. No. Okay, okay, wait.

Double entendre, like that lady from that show who's got that cat and she... Yeah, yeah. Are you being served, right? Yeah. So there'd be something with a rack of clothes and they'd say, oh, what a magnificent rack. Yeah. Or, oh, I wish I would love to have you around to stroke my pussy. Yeah.

That. Oh, I'm an old lady. Yeah, right. But then we... Stroke. There's... I'm done. I'm an old lady yeah right but then we stroke there's I'm done yeah

my pussy okay and then there's but we could do one in a like you know in a sexy context

such as a brothel yeah okay oh I feel like this has been done. Yeah? Nah.

Yeah, I'm starting to back off. I know, but how would you do it if you were just not even had a sexual context? There's no sexual connotation at all. So you're doing something. Right. Yeah. And you're doing one thing. So let's say you're cooking.

Yep. something right yeah and you're doing like you're doing one thing so let's say you're cooking yep but then you're talking to the other person about how you're gonna do their tax yeah yeah okay so cooking the books i guess or something like that you know there'd be references to that oh yeah i'm gonna cook the books like do you still have that kind of sexy tone like that you go yeah i'm gonna cook them fucking books. Yeah, I guess so. Or is that part of the thing that makes it sex-like? I think maybe... Look, I'd like to try and do it without the sex element at all. So it's someone cooking a meal,

but making double entendre allusions to helping someone file their tax return you know this makes me think about this makes me think about like logarithms or or like exponent is it maybe exponential no whatever the let's just start with logarithms because logarithms are normally like based based what they're based 10 based 10 yeah right but then you can make them base something else yeah yeah so like double entendres are normally base sex yeah right but you're trying to add another base to it yeah and and it's and it's complicated it's hard to try to picture it yeah you can it's easier to do it if you take it via the natural logarithm and then you do something with that this is my me trying to remember back to year 12 mathematics yeah i don't remember doing that but anything other than base 10 is and i think again i'm telling you fuck this is like us coming back

to doing the podcast after having you know maybe not done it as frequently as we could have and i'm just getting so much deja vu in fear that I'm just saying things that I've said on this podcast. I'm pretty sure we've never talked about base 10 on the podcast. Really? But what about like, because I think about it in terms of like feet and stuff like that. Like who thought that 12 inches was a good idea?

Like going base 12. Yeah. Who wanted to measure things in bushels or... Yeah. Or feet, like the length of a foot. Maybe that makes sense. That would make it easier for knowing how many feet a football field is.

Like measuring somebody's, I guess measuring somebody's foot. It would be kind of useful. Yeah, but then, again, you're basing the whole thing off of a variable size thing. Or you're basing it off a king's foot, but even the king's foot is changing size. It would be very annoying for the king that he constantly has to be dragged out to measure things. That his foot has to be kept in a glass cabinet where they keep the perfect sphere and the perfect one kilo thing or whatever.

Yeah, there's a perfect universal kilo mass or whatever being kept in France. Is that just in case we forget how much a kilo is? Yeah. But then we're like, all right, we'll just keep that here in case something goes around where all the scales get fucked up in the world.

We know we've got one and we can always go back and just reboot all the scales in the country in case they get scrambled. In the world, sorry. But in that case, it feels like keeping just one is a little... It's not enough. We should keep maybe two or three, just in case. It's hard to keep a whole museum in every town.

Airtight. Airtight. Airtight. Because you can't have any bits of it evaporating and things like that, right? No, you can't. Do you think there's a sketch in that? I think the king... Look, when I said that thing about the king, I thought that was pretty good. I imagined the king having to come out.

It's measured against the king's foot. Whenever you want to measure something, you've got to get the king out there. And he takes off his shoe. Because in a way, it still makes him very important. He's very important. Yeah. But it's like royal duties. I guess the queen has her royal duties,

and she's constantly having to go out to the openings of various things, or the launch of a boat. So in a way, they're kind of just using you for your eyes and other senses. Yeah. So then if you're to measure things, then you're using your foot, right? Yeah. But your foot isn't really used that much in normal sort of royal duties, right? Usually they just want you for your eyes and ears so that you're there to experience whatever thing you're trying to launch

it's like Chinese cookery they used every part of the pig we want to use every part of the royal that's what the whole monarchical monarchies were like they don't just waste part of their

we really don't make the most of our prime minister you've got a perfectly good king just sitting there We're like, they don't just waste part of their... We really don't make the most of our prime minister here. You've got a perfectly good king just sitting there. We've got to get the most of him. And we pay him a lot. I'm going to bloody get my money's worth. I mean, he gets to have sex with our wife before we do. Yeah.

Right? And, you know, we've got to make more use out of him. There's nothing we can do with his ass. Our wife. Our one wife. We should really with his ass. Our wife. Our one wife. We should really look into getting a second wife. It doesn't make sense to just have this one in the museum. But then how will we know what a wife is?

What a wife looks like. What if all the wife scales? Yeah, it's like the platonic ideal of the kilogram. Yeah, it's the platonic ideal, but then it's also... Against which all other kilograms are merely a reflection, Alistair. That idea is very interesting. It's very interesting. It's very stupid. Write down the king.

Okay, the king's foot is one foot. You wrote it down and you barely had to stop the conversation At all Andy Rock octopus Rock octopus Well it's got nothing on the punk Cuttlefish, let me tell you Really, so there's a punk cuttlefish

Does he use his sort of colourful Display thing No, he's always black Hetlefish. Does he use his sort of colourful display thing? No, he's always black. He can turn into any colour you want as long as it's black. He dies very young in a hotel after consuming too much, I'm going to say heroin. Consequence-free heroin. Oh, God. Yeah.

I just feel like it. Yeah, consequence-free heroin. No, don't do it. This is bad for the listeners, Alistair. It's not bad. I think they're having an all right time. Oh, they don't like to listen to me in torment. It's so strange that as soon as like we have no one to talk to,

it's like we lose all confidence because there's nobody giving us like feedback straight away to go like, this is going well. Yeah. We need an immediate, uh, positive reinforcement, but,

uh, definitely turn up your mic some more. I'm constantly turning it up. I think maybe probably turning up the wrong mic or something. Maybe. I think it got up a little bit. Okay, great. Just in time for me to burp.

See, that's perfect. Oh, yeah, you can see the waveform there. It's in perfect burp shape. Oh! Do you think there's certain sounds that have a beautiful waveform shape that means something? Like that you could take something from it mathematically?

Like a love heart or something? Yeah. Or like a circle? Yeah, possibly. Well, I mean, you know, there's a sine wave, right? So that's a pure frequency. Yeah. That looks pretty nice.

I quite like the sine wave sound. I wonder if there are any sounds, right, that when you look at their waveform, look like the word written down for that sound. So they're like onomatopoeic, but with their waveform. Wow. Onomatopoeic, but with their waveform. Wow. So the waveform of the word also comes up... As the word. As the word written in waveform.

Yeah. That would be the most... I mean, there must actually... I reckon there probably are some. Something like lol. Lol isn't the example, but something that's kind of simple. Well, but see, I think I don't know that it's even

achievable, because the letters of the English alphabet don't even look like anything that could be achieved with a waveform. Maybe you could get an A. A was one of the more complicated ones. You're not going to be able to cut off that middle one. Yeah, okay, so I mean like a solid, like a mountain, like a V.

Like an inverted V. I could have just said V. You could get Vs, Us, Ws. Yes. Ns, Ms. Yep. But any vowels? Are there any good vowels?

I. Only you could get a capital I. I or a lowercase L. Yeah, I, lowercase L. Maybe even uppercase L. You could really... Yeah. So maybe lul.

So, yeah, lul. But there's no way that the waveform for lul looks like a lul. Maybe it does. I'm looking at it. It doesn't. Lul.

Man, but that's a new word. That should go in the dictionary for something that can't almost possibly exist. Yeah. But, um... Wait. I think a computer could solve it. What about it's a new word. That should go in the dictionary for something that can't almost possibly exist. Yeah. But, wait. I think a computer could solve it. What about it's a guy?

But think about how difficult that would be to, I mean, look. I think it would be a bigger challenge to try to write a computer program that could solve that. Than to just go making sounds until you see something. Than to just make a bunch of sounds and try to find a sound, like a word in it. Just like 90 years of coding trying to find the 90 years.

Like, it's too much. No, 90 years. No, I exaggerated too much and I'm just going to stop. I remember one time I said to somebody, like, I was talking about like, I think talking about taking a certain drug or something like that

and I'd been reading experience reports and he's like I'm not sure it's safe I'm sure it's safe, I've read experience reports and he goes I've read thousands of experience reports and he goes, thousands? and I go, alright, you got me

yeah, I undermined myself too much of a good thing okay, wait, what was the it's like a oh man i am murdering that it's okay i think that word comes pre-murdered it's an it's a bloody nightmare i think there might be one of those uh diphthongs in there you know like an ae kind of thing yuck oh yeah like like in diarrhea yeah. I'm not up here in diarrhea. Diphthong.

Definitely sounds like a large aquatic animal. Isn't. It's actually just two letters, two vowels, back to back. Wait. For Andy. What would be Rock Octopus's hit song? Oh, diphthong. Diphthong in my heart.

I always used to hear... Well, no, I guess I would say that I am still terrified of blue-ringed octopus. Yeah. I heard a story when I was quite young about a woman who had gone swimming. She'd found this beautiful conch shell, a large shell. She'd put it inside her swimsuit. Oh, no. Right?

And when she'd got to shore, she'd pulled out the conch shell, and there'd been a blue-ringed octopus that was in the conch shell that was now, I guess, stinging her. And anyway, she died in the story. And look, I don't think it's true, but I think about it almost every time I go swimming. And I'm very careful not to put large conch shells in my swimsuit. So I learned something.

Yeah, well, absolutely. And it stopped you from making mistakes. I think the story-based... We learn. We learn from narrative. It's damaging. It's too easy to learn things from narrative. Yeah, you think so? Yeah, like someone will have a story that makes sense,

that's simple to understand, and that will take control of the entire public discourse about an issue when that thing didn't even happen. That's true. That's true, Andy. That's a load of old bollocks. Yeah. I think that's going on with the Adam Goodes fiasco. But also, Andy, that could also just genuinely happen to somebody.

It doesn't seem that unlikely to me. The conch shell. Yeah. I mean, that's where creatures are going to live, is in a shell. Yeah, that's true. Sea creatures. And that's what a blue-ring octopus... Sea shells.

Yeah, sea shells. I mean, if you told me some kind of desert shell. Yeah. Or a savannah shell. Or a desert shell. Yeah. Or a savannah shell. Or a peanut shell. The name of my band is... That's the name of my band. That's a good name for a band.

Yeah. That's a good name for a band. That's a good name for... A good name for a band? No, no, no. That's the name of a new band. I've added a new word. And it was a new word. It was new. Is it a new band?

Is it new? Do you say new or new? New. Okay. Do you know anybody that says new? Oh, that looks completely new. I think maybe I say new. I think you say new. Do I say new? Ah, new. Is that why you were saying new before?

Did I say new? Yeah, I think you said new at one point. I said new. Yeah, I was brand new. Look, I don't know, Alistair. Really makes it sound like it's spelled N-O-O. Yeah. And in an ideal world, it would be. Yeah. and there'd be no war anyway yeah so

we'll keep going like look I think we've come up with six sketch ideas we've come up with six sketch ideas do you think we should just wrap it up I think we should wrap it up

and maybe even do another one okay well we could definitely do that alright well then we'll do that we're binge recording yeah we're binge recording. We're having a good time. Alright,

well, this has been Tune the Thing Tank. Take us through the ideas we've had. I'll take you guys through the ideas that we've had. Heroin with all the effects removed. How is that going to ruin people's lives? And then the sketches and imagination of what that would be like. And imagining.

And imagining. It. And imagining. You know, it's like an essay. Yeah. On humans and pleasure. It's a trip down Imagination Avenue. Yeah. Or? Boulevard.

Boulevard. Or parade. Or avenue. Or? Haven't you already said avenue? I wouldn't. No, no. You said avenue. Or... Haven't you already said avenue? I wouldn't. No, no, you said avenue. Or...

Avenue. Highway. Anyway, okay, next one is full range of motion. Like equipment that goes beyond human capability. And there's a few riffs on that. There's a few riffs. There's one that's a weedy guy buying a home gym. He gets upsold to a model that has extra 100 kilograms,

even though he's never going to get to that point. Obviously. Obviously, because he's... No one is. We're also going to make it clear that he doesn't have the motivation and the strength of will required. We're just going to be very clear. It's going to be a strength of will required. I worry that's going to be very clear. It's going to be a lot of character work.

There really needs to be a gym where you can go and build up the strength of will to actually go to the gym. But that really sounds like it would be a lot of work. Yeah, and how often are you going to go to that strength of will gym? Yeah, I'd probably just buy a membership and then just keep paying. They lock you into it. It's such a pain.

Yeah, this such a pain. Yeah, this is a sketch. Strength of will gym. I think various of the exercises in the strength of will gym would be based around doing the actions required to get you to the other gym. So maybe there'd be a series of gym counters that you've got to go and sign up at, doing various reps.

I don't know. Maybe it would be something else. One rep would be going to the Strength of Will gym? It's self-referential. It's very recurrent. It's got the full range of motion. And emotion. And emotion.

Full range of emotion. And emotion. And emotion. Full range of emotion. And then there's also the idea of products like the gym that are being sold to you with the options in case there's a nuclear holocaust and then we all get mutated by the radiation. What if you just become a large pool of slime? Yeah, and so you're still going to want to work out.

You're still going to want to work out. Yeah, you're still going to want to look good. And you don't want to have to go back into the shop and buy a whole new gym set. Nobody wants that. Yeah, so that's that. And then there's three is a child that's psychotherapist, diagnosed with false repressed memories. And then we'll go on that little journey.

Journey Avenue. Mimic octopus doing Christopher. I just wrote Christopher. Christopher Walken, then a coconut. I didn't elaborate on that one as much. I think it's all in there. Brackets not ripped torn. There you go.

I think that'll be clear in the future when we read that. King's foot is one foot, and he has to come out to measure everything, and also, old monarchies use every bit of the king. It would be a problem in that you could only really, with the king, you could really only measure something up to two feet.

Because you'd then really need a second king if you wanted to measure something that was like four feet. Well, no, no, you walk. You walk heel to toe. Nah, I like to think you need multiple kings. Okay, yeah. And then you get a power struggle. Yeah, that's true.

You get a power struggle over this bit of string that you're trying to cut. Yeah, you're trying to measure a piece of string. You're getting a bloody power struggle over a piece of string. Onomatopoeia, this is more... I don't know why I wrote this down as if it was a sketch idea, but the onomatopoeia... It's a guy who goes to the Oxford Dictionary and he's trying to explain to him, this is a new word that you should get. So I'll describe it.

It's like an onomatopoeia, but where the waveform that comes up when you say the word into a recording device spells out the word. That is a sketch idea that is so far... Of all the sketch ideas that we've ever come up with, that one is the one that is the least likely to ever become an actual sketch.

Really? I could picture that very easily. It's more about the conversation that the guy has with... Imagine if you worked at the Oxford... I'll change what I said. It's the least likely to become a sketch that anybody else wants to watch. What an awful idea. I think that sketch is like Coke. Nobody knew that they wanted Coke until you started marketing it to them.

It's like that sketch. I think that sketch is better than you. There could be a whole niche there. All right, look. Now I have to make a point by filming the sketch by myself, making it good. Becoming hugely successful.

Thanks to the sketch. Yeah. You're putting me in a position where I have to prove a point. I'm really sorry, Alistair. I patted you into a corner. It's like that time seven years ago somebody told me that

I wouldn't be able to learn alphabet aerobics. And so then, just to prove a point, I went and sat there, wrote down all the lyrics, listened to it 150 times. You wrote them down? Yeah, I think so.

You didn't just find them from a website where someone else had probably written them down? I think at the time I didn't know. I think at first I wrote them down, then I had that thought about the website later on. Anyway, and then we've got the Strength of Will gym. Great. That's the final sketch. That's one that we came up with while we were reading out the sketches So you really got to hear that twice

In the reading out of the sketches Section of the show So you're welcome You're welcome See you later