Two In The Think Tank - 450 - "A BABY YOU CAN DROP"

Episode Date: November 13, 2024

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Hello and welcome to Two in a Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I am Andy. And I am Alistair George William Trumbully Burchell. Welcome to the robot episode of Two in a Tink Tank. Oh it would be called Two in the Tink Tank. That's the sound of somebody banging their about different hollownesses. It's the dumbest thing you've ever said. Yeah. It is, it really is. I challenge anyone, I challenge the listeners to think of it.

No, I mean, a lot of people are gonna think they've got examples, but if they really look at it and they're honest with themselves for once. Yeah. OK. That's what they're going to think. That's what they're going to use their one moment of honesty with themselves. Yeah, that is the stupidest thing I've ever said. Anyway, back to lying.

Hey, what about this? Where are we going with robot voices? Do you think? Because, you know with robot voices? Do you think? Because you know robot voices used to be like, yeah, I'm a robot. Yeah. Yes. Yes, I am Honestly, I'm not lying What? Yes, I've all humans talk like this And now they're kind of getting better, but they're still kind of a little bit more like In your resume

So I sent up worm like that But what's what they've forgotten how to use words Yeah, exactly, but But now are we like is the point is that they're gonna just have a perfect indistinguishable from human voice? Because I mean that's It seems like it's heading, but or is it gonna reach some like more than human voice? You know, like a hyper realistic voice. Cool.

It's gonna make our voices, our human voices seem unreal. I was thinking about this today, a similar sort of thing with people who are extending their lives, right? People who are artificially making their lives longer with longevity interventions. What they're going to do by shifting the goalposts like that is they're going to turn dying of old age, that's going to turn in, because if they extend their lives beyond that then dying of old age is now going to be a form of suicide and it'll be you know that'll be the choice or it'll just that'll seem like the choice choosing to end your life naturally of old age rather than dragging it out

Oh Andy I reckon will be choice it'll be chosen for us by our economic situation but I have a feeling that that gap between rich and poor is not about to shrink up anytime soon. Is that why they call it poor health? I mean did you see this thing about like blue zones being bullshit? I did see that, yeah. Isn't that great? Like so essentially it's all it's been all this thing, Okinawa I don't know, is it Okinawa? Yeah, and the Mediterranean areas. Diet and all that kind of stuff like that.

The places where people supposedly have these really long lifespans Yeah, it's just a pension fraud there the people old people are dying and then people are not Are no, it's like they're poor areas. They're like why would these poor areas? Like people with terrible diets, you know has one of the worst diets I've ever seen Why didn't you ever hear of an Okinawa diet if we were... because they were like, with our right mind we can't recommend that people eat this terribly. No, not in their right mind. Not in their right mind. And so it's all just pension fraud. Yeah and poor record keeping. Apparently the other thing that these places have in common is poor record-keeping

So people don't really know when anybody was born anyway, and then I think it's an amazing it's an amazing thing to All you're doing you just you're just having a bit of fun You're just doing a bit of light pension fraud and then what happens out of that is you invent the, you know, butterfly effect, the entire concept of the Mediterranean diet gets propagated. And then like, just imagine. Really, a lot of like oily food?

Is that the right, is that what makes people level with Tom? Okay. Just eat heaps of oil and tomatoes. Tell me that was probably fun. Probably fun. But yeah, and then they're like well turns out it's actually if you just if you're richer and you eat better food then you're gonna live longer and if you're poorer and you eat worse food you're probably gonna die earlier. What about the it's called the pension fraud diet, right?

We're scientists, we've worked out that there's a connection between areas that have a lot of pension fraud and areas where people supposedly live a really long time, but we haven't joined the dots on those two things. And what we have mistakenly interpreted this to mean is that committing pension fraud leads to a long life. Living in an area with pension fraud makes people live a really long time. We're really stupid scientists.

And so we get, and so Professor Norman Swan, he's one of us too. He's really stupid as well in this world. He doesn't get it. But stupid with a Scottish accent, which sounds more convincing. Somehow it does. Yeah, well that's exciting.

Yeah, I think Andy, I would like to make a little video of that. You hit me with what you're gonna say. This is my genuine idea for a book and indeed an entire movement that I think would be successful, right? It's a book called Two Boiled Eggs and a Banana, right? And it's-

Genuinely how you live your life? It is how I have been living my life for the last month. That's been my breakfast every day. So it's just like a dick and balls kind of. That is exactly right. That's gonna be the cover image. And it's called, a man's guide to looking after yourself without self care.

Okay. Yeah, that's good. I think self care as a concept is very, I'm Okay? That's good. I think self-care as a concept is very alienate. I'm not saying it's bad self-care but I am saying that for men including myself it's alienating. I'm not interested. I don't want to be involved in anything called self-care. If other people do great but I'm saying I don't and it makes me feel weird, even the words self-care. And so what I want to do is I want to write a diet and indeed a

lifestyle book. We won't use the word lifestyle in the book, because I don't like that word either, but it's about how to look after yourself without in any way thinking or keeping track of anything. Andy, can I tell you, it would really help motivate me to follow this diet if you told me that it felt like I was somehow destroying myself whilst doing it. And you go, you know, cause like get healthier while you feel like you're destroying yourself. And then tell me somebody who died really young,

who used to eat these particular things or do this particular routine. Yeah. An artist that I will look up to. Maybe it's specifically for bad boys. Like what did Kurt Cobain have on that the morning of that that final day? Oh that's a great one isn't it the last meal diet it's how to eat how to live like you're about to die okay we go through we find role models from history

we find out what they ate just before they died and there's all those meals. This is actually a really good idea for a recipe book, Alastair. The last meal recipe book. Or indeed restaurant. Yeah, gotta be hard to get somebody who was there to really remember that What the last meal was just you know like for someone like Kirkubank's just so many big events happened that day Well, we might be in luck Alastair because I reckon a lot of these people they did an autopsy and they probably examine their stomach contents

So we might actually there might be an enormous pool of data a pill that we are able to an enormous slightly acidic gelatinous pool of data being the stomach contents of these people and we could perhaps reverse engineer I can't what it was in the Hague s yes man haggis. Imagine that. That's like, I imagine Kirk Cobain, like Kirk Cobain haggis would probably have a real kick to it. I bet it would. I think haggis is a great idea. And I can see why it caught on and why it's such a popular food to this day. Because a lot of people lack imagination right and they often will look at a plate of food right and they can't imagine it in their stomach so they don't know how to get it in

there but if you can show them food that is already presented in a stomach it's a lot easier to get your head around and indeed your stomach around, you know? Yes, of course. You're like, here's something we prepared earlier. You can show them that. I mean, of course, yes. And would you put your head in it? Is that what you're discussing or you wouldn't put your head actually in the sort of the haggis skin there, which of the intestines you would?

No, well, that's not getting your head around it. That's getting it around your head. That's right. Sorry, I got that all the way around. It's almost the exact opposite. Does that take over, for us, the stupidest thing I've ever said? People are done being honest with themselves. No, because I think what was good about the first one, the tink one, was that in a way you were trying to be a little bit clever. Yeah. I know in a stupid way, but I think that little germ of cleverness in there helps the stupidity

to have something to congeal around and form an even bigger bubble of stupidity. Hey Andy, I just need to go back. I know we probably have to go back to Haggis to completely finish the idea, but before we do that, can I go back to robot voices and the idea of the robot voices becoming hyper real that maybe what would happen

is that it would make the rest of us sound like robots. I think you're right. And then somehow we're no longer passing because there's so many robot voices and they are so good, they're so human that they're more human than us that then the average, because there's no limit, there's no biological limits to how many robot voices

that could be created because they keep creating themselves their data set when they're validating a voice compared to other human voices at that point would be skewed by the hyper realistic voices of the core voices seem unrealistic and then we no longer have access to you know the the hive mind or the the internet or our phones and things like that no not a hilarious sketch but um no but i i like it and what it suggests to me is that maybe we'll when robots surpass us it will be that they become the humans, right? And I think maybe we shouldn't, we might discover that the concept of being human, right, is actually something that just applies to the smartest

and most conscious being on the planet. And once they surpass us, they'll be like a, it'll be like a relay and they will take the baton of humanity and run forward with it. And we will cease to be humans and we will become the machines. We will become the lesser things. It's a title. Exactly. And I think it's quite exciting. It would actually be great to be excluded from. Exactly. It'll be a relief. The burden, you know, it's lonely at the top. You know, it's tough being the king. And I think, yeah, maybe we can go back,

maybe we'll become the machines or maybe we'll just, we'll just go back and we'll feel, it'll make us feel so much closer to the other animals. In fact, I'm sure it will. And we'll just go back in amongst them. And cuddle animals. Cuddle? Cuddle animals. And we'll just go back in amongst them and cuddle animals Cuddle cuddle animals and we'll just be with the beasts Again, they'll be the robots will be so far ahead that the differences between

them and us will make the Differences between us and animals pile into insignificance. Do you think they'll take our houses? Do you think they'll take our houses? Think it would be really interesting if that was the first thing that they did They say you guys don't need and the way they do it is they persuade us they very persuasively argue with us that the and you know I love a sketch that involves somebody using the power of argument as a almost a superpower. If only it could happen around a board and there was a whiteboard involved as well. Well I mean

imagine when when robots gain the power to use whiteboards they'll be unstoppable. Unstoppable yeah they'll take over all our boards not the foot first will take over the whiteboards then they'll take over our Board of directors Yes If you think eventually they'll take up being bored I hope so. I mean the idea is that eventually they'd be better at everything than us.

Working at a higher level, they'll be able to feel more, they'll be able to think more, feel more emotion. You know, go to the toilet in a more substantive amount. Go. You should see this robot piss. Yeah, I mean, he's a humanoid robot but he pisses like a horse. I think Boston Dynamics, the next robot they release should be one that can piss. And I think they should release a video of their robot pissing. And I think they should release a video of their robot pissing. Yeah.

And they'll still play the song. Remember when they did the robot dancing and it was, Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me now that I can piss? I see. And it's, it's piss. It starts off dancing and then it's a smash cut to the robot pissing. And I think it should piss out like a really high pressure, like you've seen when they

use a really high pressure beam of water to like cut metal and stuff, I think it should be able to do that. Oh my gosh. That actually is dangerous. And the idea that they could just go and pick up like bottles of drink and drink them down and replenish their liquid and then cut things with their piss. And is that what they use as terminators to like attack and kill humans? Well, what else would they be you miss? Exactly, what you've got that. Oh, I think that's really imagine. I'm quite excited for it now it shows up on your farm and it reaches into the water tank and it just has its hand in the water tank and then it just sprays your

Your whole property like, you know all of your buildings your your vehicles and stuff like that with its laser piss and just cuts everything up falls apart no wonder they're taking our houses so quick yeah it's a waste of wood yeah it's a waste of wood cutting the house in half with the piss beam what you think would let you as a wood lover, that's what I guess maybe I was feeling really empathetic I was thinking oh Andy's probably sad about all that wood going away But then I guess there's a lot of wood on the ground and you'd love to pick that up and think oh do something with this Well, I mean if the robots are taking the our houses

I don't think they're gonna completely destroy the house with their piss beam No, I think it'll be be sort of like the neutron bomb that leaves buildings standing. Maybe they will slice through the house with this very fine beam of piss that will cut all the people inside in half, right? But then the top half of the house and the bottom half of the house

will still just be sitting attached together, just be sitting on top. Right? Like that. And the house will probably be fine. You know what I just thought of was that the robots, let's say they're sort of taking over, they're spraying things with their pens, cutting things up. They're probably trying to wipe out humanity. But within their own algorithm, they'll have like a thing which will let them know where, you know, like that'll sort of let them make them decide where they think humans will be. And so they will look at different areas and they will go, well, this doesn't look like the kind of thing that would be fit for a human to live in, right? Which will leave this race of men behind who live in places that are in ways that don't, that take care of themselves so poorly that even super intelligent robots wouldn't even consider that a human would be able to

live there. It's very exciting. You know? It'll finally be the case that the uninhabitable places are the only places that are livable. I know, but also that it's like it's a form of evolution that the slovenly will inherit, you know, at least will inherit not necessarily the world but at least the uninhabitable places where they were. That's right.

Well, this will tie in perfectly with my book about self-care without looking after yourself. These guys are going to, they'll be prepared. People who have read my book, boiled eggs and a banana. The robots coming and why these robots. That's gonna be chapter one Alistair. That's actually gonna be the contents page. That's how important I think this information is. Maybe even before the contents page?

Yes. uh maybe even before the contents page. Yes, oh yes in that that area on that page where they they say where the you know who printed the book and that IBM number. Yes, the publishing information. Yeah. ISBN number. ISBN. I was applying for some library lending royalties two days ago, which is why I'm well-versed in the ISBN acronym. I was thinking Andy is unusually well-versed in this acronym, even though, even for you,

who normally is pretty good around an acronym. Yeah, he knows his way around it. Yeah. Yeah. I had felt like I had something more to say about haggis. Oh, the haggis, yes. So, where were we at? We were at how haggis is a great way of getting people to try new foods

because they can see that someone has eaten it Mmm, well, I guess we're getting a bit too close maybe to our great restaurant idea buttloads Which is where they present you it's an all you the all you can shit restaurant where they They scan the size of your colada and give you exactly that amount of food but And you can eat up to that amount but no more we promise you you won't bust your coal on eating at our place eating at butloads. That is the unique guarantee and the unique promise that butloads can give and as soon

as they start putting that out there it's really going to put pressure on a lot of other restaurants who are remaining suspiciously silent on whether or not they will bust your colon with their portions. No colons busted since 1938 Yeah, I Mean you can really until you've busted one colon you can backdate that as far as you like that That's right that number well. I suppose since what zero piece AD Zero PC slash AD was there a 0 BC and then a 0 AD? You know, they go this was really one because you know between one and zero.

I don't know, were there two zeros in a row? I mean you shouldn't be allowed to have as many as you want. I don't know if there was, I don't know Alastair was there a year 0 I think the answer is probably I think there must there must be I because maybe there wasn't two back-to-back zeros so maybe it was just one BC and then it was the year 0 that makes sense yeah cuz I guess like Jesus would have turned one on year one, right? It would have been a nightmare to have it the other way around, where he turns zero on year one.

You have to keep doing a minus one. But you know how we feel about the way years and centuries are named? It's intolerable. It's uh, it's intolerable Absolutely tolerated tolerable. I Mean they have that here essentially with With the in Canada with the the prices not being at though the tax is not being included in the prices And I know it's not exactly you're kidding. Yeah like when they're displayed

the when they're displayed I don't include the tax they They don't include the taxes, as if it's somehow okay to just show you the price that something isn't. That's so crazy. It is the most insane thing. Wow. That makes me feel really great and proud of Australia. And maybe we should put that on our flag or in our national anthem or something like that. Ink tax.

Yeah, wow. It's one of the worst things. I genuinely like, it bothers me every single day. But anyway. And I just put up with it. That's what people, anytime I bring up to people, they go, well, we're pretty used to it. And I go, yeah, you shouldn't be.

I was trying to come up with a joke, which I was like, it makes me think that there's just a cowardice that runs through all Canadians. But then I realised that some of the companies that do it are themselves Canadians and so, and that screwing people over. And so therefore that saves us from being considered all cowards.

Yeah, at least our corporations have the guts to screw us over. Yeah. I think it might be like- When we get together. I think it might be like this in the States as well, but I'm not sure. I wrote this down recently, Alastair,

inspired by recent events, and I'm sure everybody has thought this this is not an original thought yeah but I just wrote down if history has taught us anything it's that we never learn and I think that is almost the most true thought I've ever had like the situation with this fucking election where every step of the way it felt like everybody was repeating the same thought processes and the same claims and the same arguments that they were making with Hillary Clinton about her beating Donald Trump and you know right after then it you know it felt like exactly the same things played out on Election Day the fact that it just we genuinely we never we never ever learn that we make the same stupid mistakes of focusing now fucking hell it's all good it's fun

Andy it's fun I went it's fun I went into immediate acceptance I just I was like I can't let this make me feel bad I just yeah well I guess at least we've done this before yeah you know we've we've felt we know this hello darkness my old friend kind of It'll be nice to just do one without you know without a pandemic You know, I feel like the pandemic kind of ruins the last Trump presidency Yeah, we weren't able to properly enjoy it He and I think that we should all get those years back. I don't think any of those years should those, you know, let's say 2020, 2021, they shouldn't count towards your age. Oh that's fun. I mean that was the one thing,

that would have, imagine that, like you know, they're offering, you know, the government's out there trying to stimulate the economy and offer tax write-offs and all that kind of thing, but what if you could write off a couple of years of your age? What if the Prime Minister comes out and tells everybody, yes, things are bad and yes, you know, a lot of people can't afford food or whatever. Reds are high, people are dying, but the good news is we've decided these couple of years don't count towards your age. That's great.

That's really exciting. I mean, if Kamala had just put that forward, I think she probably could have got Pennsylvania. I mean, that's right up there with writing off tax, isn't it? Writing off student loan, student loans, student loan forgiveness. Not only do you not have to pay for your education, your higher education, but also any years that

you spend getting higher education no longer count towards your age. Imagine that. Oh, that's great. I mean, that's good because that doesn't cost the economy a penny. Not a single thing. How we say? Yeah. The average, probably for a couple of years there, the average life expectancy will go down a little bit. Not a little bit. There'll be a dip.

There'll be a dip. We're willing as a country to take a hit on that. And if more people go into higher education as a result of this, wanting to get that sweet age right down, we'll probably get a few more doctors out of it and maybe there'll be actually a net health and lifespan benefit.

And people who have these degrees, maybe they earn more money, it's probably not actually the case anymore, but higher standard of living. A few things like that where also like where they go they're like hey if you go into nursing and teaching you're allowed to keep your shoes on when you weigh and when you measure yourself your height and so you can... Oh we actually have a special way to calculate the BMI of childcare workers.

It's a completely different formula. Oh, look at that. Yeah, and we'll, like, I mean, just adding, you know, like, I mean, we could say, like, officially you're a government, like the government will consider you a big dog. You know? That's nice. I mean, it's not as big, it's not as good, but it's like, but just like little things

that just make you feel good, like whatever the, you know, whatever, like, fuck, I just lost everything. I lost everything. No, that's all right, Alistair, what about this? You always get a high five from the postie. Yeah, that's pretty good. There you go, just like that at the moment at the moment. We have a get a good buyer Hux has developed a goodbye routine Where we got it? We got to give him a cuddle and a kiss. Mm-hmm, and then a high five

And then a fist bump and then a foot five and so though you for your feet I'm five each other and there is that do you do that? back to back This is all happening in a row and then yeah, I know and then you do it But like do you turn back to back to do the we don't just wondering about so we do it front to front It's just you're basically just touching feet Okay, one time he did make me do a foot bump where you got to curl your toes One time he did make me do a foot bump where you got to curl your toes

And the two feet and then it's ET which is just a fingers touch and then you've got a Leap in the air and punch the air and then you could go I Mean that sounds good for everybody involved. Yeah, I think I need that in my life Yeah And I specifically need it with Hux, who I think might be the coolest kid I've ever seen. I kind of crave his approval in a way that I don't think I want the approval of my own parents, but I do want the approval of your youngest child. Well, I found out, as I told you off-pod Andy,

that my kid vomited recently, but accidentally created the term, he had a yellow yawn, right? Which is what he referred to as vomiting. But then Andy informed me that actually this four year old's bit is actually really derivative of a Barry Humphrey's bit where he called it a multicolored yawn. A technicolor yawn. I did not use the word derivative myself.

I don't think I specifically accused Hux of plagiarism. And I know you didn't, but I felt like I could feel it in your response to the yellow time thing where you're like, oh, sorry Hux, but that's not actually original. Well, I saw how much happiness it was bringing you Alistair, how much joy it was bringing you on.

I thought I have the power to take this away from him. I can take some of that, yeah. And it did, it does make me more embarrassed to tell people but you know what, I know a lot of people aren't as informed on Barry Humphreys as you are and so I think I'll still keep repeating it. What we forget a lot of the time is that joy is relative and if I can make you less happy, that statistically speaking makes me more happy. Well yeah, just from, you know, because it lowers the overall happiness of everyone. Isn't it interesting that like there that Elon Musk doesn't see him? If you're looking for an easy workout, you're in the wrong place.

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Like that should be a bit of a giveaway, right? That... I think with a lot of this stuff is that we've heard, we've basically heard the lesson which is that success and money do not bring you happiness. But I think deep down we have a part of us that goes, yeah, I wanna find out for myself. For sure, I totally agree.

Give me the money, give me the success, and I'll tell you whether or not it brings you happiness. But at least I think we can agree now that if there is a connection, it's certainly not a linear relationship between the amount of money and the amount of joy. Because- When you say linear, you mean

linked to all the people called Lin in some way. That's not relative directly. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Alistair, you are doing a very good job today. Yeah.

You're doing a very good job. Well Yeah, you're doing a very good job Well, I was very lucky because as as you were saying that somebody called Lynn walk past me Just oh was it and now I was gonna guess Lin-Manuel Miranda, but oh wasn't Lin-Manuel Miranda Okay, my mother my mother. I don to go into the rest of her name. She doesn't... you know, she doesn't need to be brought up on this, on a podcast of this low quality. No, not low quality. I mean, I just... Alastair. Alastair. I didn't mean low quality. I meant base, you know, base. Pure aisle. Sure. Pure aisle, that's it.

Puro-ile. P-E-U or P-U-E? Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. Puro-ile. P-U-R-I-L-E. That's that all. I thought it was more exciting than that, the spelling. It's a word that works really well with having the sound P-U started. Mmm. Mmm. Absolutely. Because it's kind of a... You get it. Anyway. Um... Mmm.

I think all the yucky words should start with P-U PU so you know what you're about to hear. Oh and all the good smelling words should start with uh, ooh ah. Great and all the questions that go up at the end, uh, I don't think that works. Well I think they should go down at the start Yeah, they should go down at the beginning exactly so that So that you know because because otherwise it's like an episode of a show that ends in a cliffhanger Right you you start watching it expecting it to resolve itself But you don't find out until the end that there's no answer.

So someone will start a sentence and you might think you're getting a statement but then it goes up at the end, oh it's a question, we don't know the answer. So when down at the start you'd be able to brace yourself. So it's like Ecuador is a country in South America and the prime minister of that country is who? And what I say I'll say beautiful Relaxing I'm on, you're settling in. You're like, I'm about to get some facts thrown at me. Yeah. You know, I'm relaxing.

I'm not, I'm gonna turn my brain off. I don't know what this is. Put it into, to receive mode. Yeah. Shut it down, I can sleep. I could have a little kid back. Clock off. You know, cause I guess that a little keep up. Clock off. You know when somebody like starts talking about themselves and you're like, oh this is nice, you know, I can just have a little, I suppose so, Alastair, but for me, when somebody

starts talking about themselves, all I can think is just like, when are we going to get back onto me? And I get quite anxious, realizing that this is time wasted when we've been discussing... I don't know if you were hearing any... Yeah. Anything you was going... No, you go. No, no, I was saying saying sorry if anybody heard any weird noises I've been this house that we've moved into had a lot of bags of rubber bands and so I've been making a ball of rubber bands because I saw when I was in primary school some kid brought in a big ball of rubber bands and so I've been

balling up these rubber bands so that I can have one of these big balls like that kid did and that's you know It's pretty nice. It's probably about the size of a baseball now Alastair yeah, I feel it's incredible that you derailed my bit about being a narcissist I was just having a lovely time talking about my narcissism and then you steamrolled it with this rubber band ball. I mean I completely forgot we were talking about you at all. But I think I do like to put in a few per episode Alastair a few little what you know like like in a jazz band if somebody's soloing on the oboe that means that you the trumpeter can sit back and rest your lips and it's the same when I do one of my extended but we all know futile and

boring rants. It's not good for the listener and it's not great for me but I do know that at least Alistair's getting a chance to sit back on his heels. No, I'm just joking about that. I'm just not, I'm very interested. No, but I'm being serious. Yeah, but I can really relax. I'm not joking at all. Alistair, I don't know how many sketch ideas we've written down.

I suspect the number might be low. It's about five, they don't all feel like sketch ideas, but you know what? I think let's just go into There is one two three four five and so let's just go in Let's go into Three words from a listener and today Andy you're gonna love this Because our listeners name also has three words, so there's a nice symmetry to it Is it hungry metal goblins?

No, it's it's of course Aidan Kane Earl Aidan Kane Earl That's really good either three first names or possibly two first names and then a title Oh, yes, is that Earl got an E on it? Maybe it could be a feminine title. Woman earl. Wouldn't that be great if you're a man and you get a female title? I believe the Baroness Charles MacGubbins. MacGubbins, yeah. I think if there was a female term for an Earl, it would surely be a girl. Yes, yes. G-A-R-L. Girl. Girl.

That might be the... that might be... have be topped it Alistair. Okay, so this is the message from Aidan Kane Earl. Hark! I have the truth spoken from God's mouths to your eyes. Quoth. And then there's some inverted commas and then there's three words so so these could be three words from a listener but that listener may be God I think is what Aidan Kingurl is suggesting okay I guess what the first word is okay I'm gonna guess all three words okay all right here, here's the, here it is. Murder, okay now! Exclamation mark. Oh, you got three of the letters in the last word. One letter,

no, two letters in the first, first word and, and okay. You got no letters in the second word. Okay. Okay. What was it? So, first word is cube, second word is dance, and the third word is hoedown. Cube, dance, hoedown. Okay, so of course we are all familiar with the square dance. Yes. That we all learned in primary school for some reason.

Yeah. Everybody talks about, ah, never needed to know maths. But I don't hear a lot of people complaining about never needing to know the square dance. But that was another thing that we did indeed learn. The cube dance. And of course the square dance is a subcategory of just the regular rectangle dance. It's a more, it has sort of a more symmetry to it. Well it's possible, what we're suggesting here is that the square dance is merely the rejection into our universe of a 3D cube dance.

Yeah, of a four dimensional or maybe, I guess, an N dimensional cube. That's true. Yeah. Okay. So what is the square dance? Is that, so I picture people's boots touching their hands, which I think is not healthy I hope they wash their hands. I think that's a Well, that's a line dance, but the line dance again

I mean, I guess if you can do a line dance and you can do a square dance These are just different degrees of freedom. Yes, and then the is there a spot dance dance any point dance Maybe the Charleston? I don't know. Oh there is that one where he's dancing on the flag pole. Is that the idea that the foot always lands in the same spot? I think maybe. Yeah. And I think that's sort of what the Charleston is, right? You only have one foot on the ground at a time. Point dance, square dance, and then the cube dance. Well, you've skipped the line dance, but yes.

Oh yeah, sorry. Point dance, line dance, square dance, cube dance. I mean, it's a very exciting hypothetical thing. And I have not seen any dance performances where people are dancing on the ceiling and on the walls at the same time. Not sure how this would be achieved. Like a cornered spider?

Yes. Or they are dancing in something that is spinning at a very high velocity. But what about those people who are standing with their hands on the ground, their feet up on the walls in the corner, right, and they're twerking? That's true. That could show us the way. It could be the beginning. I think if there was a bit more motion with the hands

Really make it more of a dance rather than just a move Mm-hmm No, that is exciting There's I mean Add cube. I mean, I guess You could that you know, the the extra the extra dimension might not necessarily be physical. This, oh yeah, that's true. I'm interested to, your mention of twerking has made me imagine a situation in which

we're sort of able to sculpt and extend the buttock into a sort of more like a cone or a point, maybe using the same technology that was used for Madonna's cone bra, but with the buttocks. And if the butt cheeks could be sort of stretched out like that, almost into another set of legs, right? Another, like, you know, the, the, the the the panda was able to evolve that bit on the side of its hand into another thumb maybe we could extend the buttocks into another pair of legs and then we could have to shimmy around on those yeah it does yeah or at least a sort of a lump, a useful lump. I don't know if it's technically a thumb.

It might be a fool's thumb. But you're saying that in your eyes, you would label it a thumb. I would label it a thumb, as indeed I am looking forward to labeling the extended cone buttock and additional leg. So it's a cone buttock. And what can you do with it? You can just lean back on it like a kangaroo tail You can well, I think you can wiggle around on it right if you can if you can get your twerking

Good enough. You might be able to well, you've got two buttocks like that next to each other Yeah, sort of like the points of a compass that you would use to draw a circle. If you could get a full cone over the front area where your buttock isn't, you know what I mean? Ah yes, I do know that area. It does allow for a more kind of spherical movement, you know, because you can, you've got those more mobile limbs, the legs and the arms. and you could sort of maybe like not only balance and spin back but balance and spin forward you know and then and then onto the head perhaps maybe you could wear one of those dunce dunce caps you know dunce cap well that's that is quite i would like two dunce caps on the on the buttocks.

Yes. Could we double up the dunce caps on the head? Could we have shoulder? I don't see why not. Shoulder dunce caps? Could each nipple have a dunce cap? Could each shoulder brain have a dunce cap. I think you could be completely covered in dunce caps, yes. I mean, could this cube dance essentially be becoming a... Oh, I've almost got the word. It's a... Oh, those spiky balls that you see in the sea. An urchin? Yes.

A sea urchin? Yes, sea? Uh, an urchin? Yes. A sea urchin? Yes, it's more of an urchin dance. Hmm. It's a dance called the lurchin urchin, where you cover your body in spikes and you sort of roll around from spike to spike. Hmm.

How do they breathe? In a lurching motion. How do they eat? How do they breed? Yeah. How do they breed? In a lurching motion. How do they eat? How do they breed? How do they have sex? How do they do it? Um... I imagine there's a cloaca involved if I'm completely honest.

Yeah. I think so. I think they've only really they've limited their options. Oh, I think they've got a hole with teeth. They've got a hole with teeth. Oh my god, it's awful. They've got a mouth, they've got a... An Aristotle's lantern.

What? What? They've got an Ar... I don't know what it is, but they've got a thing that's called an Aristotle's lantern. Okay. Urchin, Aris, what is Aris, Totals, Lantern. I'm just, sorry this is a bit distracting isn't it? No, that's alright. I mean I used to be obsessed with urchins. You know, when you would find an urchin shell at the beach it was always pretty exciting.

It's the name for the mouth of a sea urchin, which is made up of a complex set of teeth and jaws that work together to help the urchin eat and move. Wow! Eat and move! So it's a walking mouth. It's a walking mouth, yeah. I mean when we get our dunce cap system going, you better believe there's going to be a dunce cap on the chin and a dunce cap on the forehead and you will actually be able to walk around balanced on these using your mouth. Yes, oh it's called the licomotion.

As the, the chin really is, in my opinion, the forgotten fifth limb of the human body. Yes. And with the right training and prosthetic enhancements, we will be able to walk around on it. I can't believe how you just ignored Lick-O-Motion. I apologize. It's okay. It was an important point about the chin and I'm very sorry.

I still don't really understand what Lick-O-Motion means. It's a play on Lick mean play on fantastic motion that is oh That occurs with the mouth Yes But maybe you were seeing L I C K er Motion and then yeah, and I was also seeing Liquor like liquor like the drink. Oh

I don't know that and and I was not like liquor, like liquor, like the drink. Oh, I don't know that. And I was not, yeah, I wasn't thinking about the hit song. What am I writing down here? What am I writing down here? Oh, we're talking about the, oh yeah, the urchin, the lurch and urchin dance, which is. Oh dear. Oh dear.

Here's something I thought about today, right? Is that, you know things, like often if you're making something that works, right? It does something, right? You build it until it works, right? Yep. But if you're a living thing, you start... you come into the world working. Okay. Like you come into existence working and then you go until you stop working. Yeah, so you think that a baby should be born dead and you've got to bring it to life?

I'm not saying that that's something wrong with it. I mean it'd be cool if you could give birth and then turn it on at some point or you know assemble it and then activate it. Yeah. You know, uh, yeah. Instead of the other way around, it just, it just gives parents more control. I am excited about that. A baby that you can switch off. Well, first that you can switch on when you like. Of course, of course. The switching off part. I mean, I guess it does, then you can choose when it ages and things like that. You know, that way, because they do grow up so fast. So what if you're like, you do the first three months and then you're like, you know what?

We need a couple of weeks, you turn them off. You go have a week away. You know, go have a week away. Oh, it's really exciting. Finish the project like that. And then you turn them back on and you're like, who's a good boy like that? And they go, ch-ch-ch. And then you turn them back. Yeah, like, who's a good boy? They go, I missed you. Yeah. You might have to like, you turn them off, you dehydrate them so that they don't kind of go off. And then you put

you then you put them in some water, you rehydrate them, then you turn them on. hydrate them then you turn them on. No, that is great. I think that's gonna be, I think that's gonna be good. And indeed good as a sort of a optional baby that you can, yeah, that you can dehydrate. I think, I mean, I imagine the dehydrated looking baby is gonna be a bit unpleasant to look at. Yeah, but you gotta do that before you vacuum seal it.

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. It's essentially like, they're basically babies that we've enhanced with sort of tardigrade technology. DNA. You know, you could take that baby and just strap it to the outside of a rocket. You could travel through space with it for 5,000 years. And then when you get there, you just put some water on it.

Yeah, great. As soon as these babies get wet. Yeah. They're going to start, yeah, they're going to need some milk. You know? No No it's wonderful it's a wonderful it's a wonderful prospect I mean you know the fact that you could just crash land your spaceship into the ocean of an alien moon and as soon as those babies get wet they're like shrimp eggs or something like that and they

sort of unfurl and Well, I imagine they'll all just start breeding together There you go, you've colonized other planets done Is anybody looking into this is always saying I guess you could create a Series of humans that just mature very quickly and can survive very well on their own. And they start to breed very quick. You know? Yeah. Like they're born adults.

Just very small adults. Yeah, okay. Because this will be perfect for space travel. Because this is the problem. The robots, they'll have no problem spreading themselves across the universe because they don't have that kind of shelf life. They're not perishables in the way that we are. I think that like in the future, it would,

I genuinely think that with genetic engineering, which will inevitably at some point be used on humans, we will be able to get some kind of, do something with like a sort of a giraffe DNA so that a baby comes out and it can walk pretty much straight away. And yeah, why not have it so that it can sort of,

it can run with the herd after 15 minutes. I mean, we may have to evolve, modify humans, or at least, you know, childbearing humans, so that they are more like a giraffe. Yeah. But- So you can drop them from way higher. Yes. That's also really good. That's one of the issues with them. These little things. That's actually what they need. It's a huge issue. But now you've got one that's designed to be dropped. In

fact it has to be. I mean that's actually how you switch it on. Yes. Well Alastair, I think we did it. Yeah? Yeah, I think so. This is what you think, that might be the stupidest thing you've ever said. Alright, well then how about I take us through the sketch ideas? Sorry, I just tried to put it in the background. I'm really looking forward to this. This rubber band ball's getting real heavy now. It's really good at throwing it onto some concrete too, because it's got a real good bounce, but

almost in the house now it's so heavy that it feels like it almost could damage the floor if I throw it at the ground. You gotta share a photo of this with the listeners on the Discord. Sure, I will. You gotta share a photo of this with the listeners on the discord. Sure, I will. Okay, Andy, first we got robot voices. They start sounding hyper real. Sorry, this isn't great, but... And then they start to think that we sound like robots and then we lose our human title. We get kicked out. Somehow we then we lose our human title. Mm hmm.

Um, we get kicked out somehow. We can't access our internet anymore. And then we got the pension fraud diet and committing fraud makes you live longer. And then we got Boston dynamics robot that can piss and it's a real two in the think tank idea. That's a good sketch yeah that can cut yeah it's a good evolution of the Slovenly of the Slovenly this is they're surviving because of the kill the kill bots couldn't possibly imagine somebody living in that kind of squalor. Survival of the filthiest. Survival of the filthiest. Filthiest. That's a guy who can't even be bothered to do the word properly. Then we got 2021, 2020,

don't count towards your age and other benefits for people who go to university and study teaching and stuff. Yeah, I mean, you know, just general things that the government can, that aren't going to cost the budget any money that the government can offer us. Yeah. You know? Everybody is now on the one to 10 scale of hotness. Everybody's one hotter.

We just move the scale. We just adjust it. Yeah. I assume that scale is kept somewhere in a museum in France. If we can just adjust that slightly. They've got a 10. They've got a 10, they've got a metric 10. And what do they do? Do they just make that metric 10 a bit uglier? They just snip a bit off their earlobe. Yeah. Oh, okay

And maybe I'd like maybe it's more like facial. It's got to be like they put a scratch on their nose They're all like a little scorn That might actually make them hotter though, you gotta be careful Messing with this stuff. Yeah, SI units. You can't. It'll be easier to find a really hot atom, I suppose. And then, you know, it'll be a bit more. I'm going to write down a metric 10.

Hot person. Don't want to look back at this and think I'm meaning a number 10. Um, then we got the, oh, the Lurchin' Urchin' dance. One of the worst ideas we've ever come up with. Oh, imagine if they did have a metric number 10. Yeah. In the, in the, I mean, cause that would be like when, you know, if you could get in there and fuck with that, that'd be like when Goldfinger wanted to blow up Fort Knox to change the value of all the money, the gold that he owned, make it more expensive.

You'd be even better off going into the museum in France and changing the metric 10. Oh, there's like a metric. To make it a metric. To make it a 9. Imagine if there was a metric 1 in there and you just put another thing in there. Yes. Oh wow. That would devalue everything, would it?

Now all... 1 is 2. No, yeah, or all 2s are 1. I think all 2os are one now. And there is no one anymore. I think it's just a one is two. Oh, I don't know. Oh, one is two and a two is two.

Yeah, you didn't change the metric too. They got a metric too, do they? Yeah, they got a metric too. Like Andy, they got a metric of every number. I don't know that they do. I think they just need the one. Alright, well then why would they have a metric of 10? Because they... Well, in this version, if you...

Oh, fuck it. Forget it. Forget it. I don't want to and it's me out hello I lost a okay so two would be for them mmm I think version yeah and then we got a baby you can switch on and And then we have the genetically engineered baby that is born capable of running and being an adult and being dropped using giraffe DNA. So that we can. It would be interesting if, sorry,

it would be interesting if science, yes, no, you finish yours. It was just so that we colonize other planets more easily, they can just start breeding straight away. Exactly. Exactly. It would be interesting if we found that one, the number one, was changing slightly. You know, like over the age of the universe, it's actually one has increased slightly to

be no longer equal to one one is now equal to one point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero one that'd be we don't know why the way that you say that makes me think that there's there's a reason and way there's a way which is real I don't know why but I feel like there's a way yeah it's true just something about the expansion of the universe mmm hmm I don't know I'm already a hundred percent on board you know like don't you find like just the world everything about the world is just a bit more it's just so complicated now like even just the fact that I can't think about existence without thinking about like weird quantum shit and the fabric of the universe being made up of like you

know wormholes and shit like that and and that truth is like that you know like that that physicists can't look at particles and determine that the reality is real all is it just makes it I don't it doesn't make the world more enjoyable well my terrible stupid stone of theory I was working on, uh, a week or so ago, and I'm sure I'm not the first person to think of this, but was to say that like, well, what if it, you know, you know how like we used to have different theories of the atom, right? That it, you know, that it was a plum pudding model, right? And that it was sort of, the atom was like a solid

little lump of stuff that had electrons in it. You know, maybe the people who are controlling the simulation that is the universe, that's what they thought it was too, right? And that's what it was supposed to be. And then we did an experiment where we fired little neutrons at it and found that some of them bounced off and that it must have a hard thing in the middle.

And it was only then that they realized that they hadn't programmed the model correctly. And they had to sort of scramble to retcon the thing. Like when people find a flaw in an episode of Star Trek and then they have to make another episode two seasons later that explains why the logic, you know, tries to fix the logic of it. They had to redesign the universe at a fundamental level to make it consistent with this experiment. And they're constantly scrambling to sort of patch over these details where they were like, nobody's ever gonna look at that. Nobody's ever gonna look in there so we don't need to work that out exactly.

But they did, you know, now we're probing it too much. Yeah, we're looking, yeah, looking at the, it would be fun, that would be fun. And it would make it so that there's less work at the beginning. Mm-hmm You know, yeah And that's how I would have done it if I was building the universe like I do when I build anything They'd be like nobody's ever gonna look in there. It doesn't matter This doesn't have to be perfect because we're covering that up with plaster. Okay, so it's gonna be a bit wonky

That's what they've done. I will make it impossibly small. They'll never be able to see those details. Yeah Then by making this other thing we made these electrons and these other muons and now they're able We didn't realize that by creating those they're gonna be able to collide those with these other things and then have a look exactly We didn't think about the repercussions. We should have just made the fundamental particle The atom they should yeah, I wish they had stopped there Honestly, I think I felt better and I don't know if it was a youth But I think I felt better when I thought that the atom was the smallest thing. I Think I did too. Yeah, I

smallest thing. I think I did too. I want to go back. I want to forget. Maybe they can do something in my brain to make me forget about subatomic particles. They can shoot a muon into the core, into the heart of my brain. Alright Alastair. Okay and we... We go... Doobie doobie daaas. Oh yeah. Dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba do. Thank you so much for listening to Think Tank. What would we like to plug? I'm on an upcoming episode of The Gargle.

Oh yeah. I'll show you You check that out. You did that Chris Kennet podcast at some point? Yeah, I'm gonna be on an episode of the, you can subscribe now to Pitch Bleak. An episode about failed creative projects where I probably reveal way more than I should and might embarrass myself.

Yeah, that's good. Talking about a sketch show that never happened that I was almost involved in. Oh yeah, that's fun. Yeah, great. I don't think I appear on anything. But you know, I'm doing shows around, but you can listen to this podcast. You could check out Toon the Think Tank. That's good advice.

Yeah. All right. Let's get this wrap it up and we Love oh my god you See ya