Two In The Think Tank - 451 - "FOETAL NET WORTH"

Episode Date: November 18, 2024

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Hello and welcome to To In The Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. And here's, and I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Troubley virtual. And how do you feel about this idea? What do you reckon this means? This phrase. Yeah. What do you reckon? Wife in law.

That's my wife in law. Okay, so that's your wife's wife Okay, I guess I guess it's your wife's wife It's a cuck introducing you to his extended family Yes, this is my oh, this is my boyfriend in law that's probably Closer right like my I like to think of him as my wife's boyfriend Oh, this is my boyfriend in law. That's probably closer, right? Like, I like to think of him as my wife's boyfriend. He's my boyfriend in law.

Yeah, I think both of those are wonderful. And what a great cuck. Wife in law, I mean, it's an exciting new world, isn't it, that we are in, where such a concept can exist. Oh, the in-law extended universe. Mmm. You know. Because, I mean, it does give you every colleague in law that would be anybody who's in your

wife's business. Not as fun, but you know. I guess you are your own husband in law. I'm my own husband in law. Yes. At the moment, assuming my beloved, Carly, does not have other husbands that I don't know of. Yeah. This is a great one for a riddle.

A riddle. You know, we love to, we're riddle boys. Yeah. As the listeners know, we're riddle men. Yeah. We peddle riddles. We're riddle m a riddle, you know, we love to, we're riddle boys. Yeah. As the listeners know, we're riddle men. We peddle riddles, we're riddle mongers. Yes, enigmas merchants. That's right. And it would be, wouldn't it be wonderful to have a riddle

where a man is standing in front of a painting in an art gallery and he says, the man in this painting is my husband-in-law. And then the riddle is, who is the man in the painting? Now, obviously a canny person will write as an answer, well it's the guy's husband-in-law and they will get the million dollars on this quiz show. But for an idiot who tries to actually answer the question, well the correct answer is it

is him, it is the man speaking. My, what about this, my reflection in law? I really liked that for a split second and now I hate it. It's like it's it's your reflection that's that's your that belongs to your wife. That's your. See this is what I hate about it. I mean is my reflection in law my wife's reflection? My reflection in law is my wife's... that's correct. Yes, I think anything that belongs to your wife is that thing in law. So you know your wife's car, that is my car in law. Your wife's shoes, that is my... those are my shoes in law. Your wife's diarrhea, I have car in law. Wife's shoes that is my those are my shoes.

Wife's diarrhea I have diarrhea in law. Yeah my anxiety in law. We're going home due to my anxiety in law. We as a species have failed to realize the enormous potential in the in-law concept, the mathematical in-law relationship. Just language hasn't had a chance to develop far enough yet for us everybody, but I think this could be the new raw doggon. Well, go on. Yeah, well, you know, like raw dogging has become an expression that you can use for all aspects of life, you know? Yes, it's practically a medical term at this point.

Exactly. So you're like, oh, well, I was driving in the dark without my lights on. I was raw dogging the dark. Raw dogging the night. Yes. You know, I was... Raw dogging thegging the dark though Alistair is very good. And I apologise for not, for feeling that I could tag that in any meaningful way. It's okay. It's okay. You can tag anything in any meaningful way if you want.

That's hopefully what this show is. If you stop doing that then there's really no show. Alright. That's a lot of. Hopefully what this show is, if you stop doing that, then there's really no show. All right. That's a lot of power to give me there. Yes, it's my power. I can stop this at any time. No, by calling me an idiot in law. That's my...

Well, I mean, that's in law, but then, you know, I guess, I guess there's in sin as well or in, um, in breaking the law in illegality in, um, What about having sex with me in law? That's, that's when, that's when my wife has sex with me. I'm wanking in law. I'm having sex with my wife. Is that what that is? I mean, I think...

I think I'm gonna go and have a wanking law I think I think it actually means that you know you're actually your wife is gonna go Yeah, no, I think that's is that to hurt for this podcast wives masturbating Yeah. No, I think that's, is that too rude for this podcast? I don't know. Wives masturbating? No, but only the very specifics of it. And I don't even want to keep it. Oh, sure. Sure. Let's not drill down. But I think, I think the reason that this in law concept hasn't been exploited to its fullest is because I think we leave linguistics to the linguists whereas I think we

should turn it over now to the mathematicians because this is the sort of thing that they would have exploited a long time ago. Absolutely. It's a little rule, it's a little law and that's what they love oh the law in law Newton's laws in law Newton's in laws My wife's father when at rest will maintain his state of rest. As long as there's no forces applied to him. Then he demonstrates by pushing his father-in-law. Was father in law. Yeah, I mean, yeah, like you said,

handing it over to the mathematicians and maybe the logicians, you know. The logicians, yes. They, you know, the philosophers, let them run off with it, you know, they. The high IQ individuals. Yes, that's right. The high value men.

Correct. I think Elon Musk's efficiency team should be given the keys to the Oxford English Dictionary. They should be given some the to the officers the office that sink has bought the dictionary. He's looking for high IQ individuals to join the new board of directors. But like the way in which like a stupid idiot billionaire who buys the dictionary and then would fuck up the dictionary. Changes the meanings of words and for petty reasons. Yeah stupid sort of trolling things. Yeah. I mean. And he'd put you know he'd put

Elon of course would put 420 in the in the Oxford dictionary and he would laugh and he would post it on the longest and he would and he would laugh and he would post it on the... Yeah. And he would change the definition of cool guy to have a photo of him next to it and... Oh, that's really good, yep. He would say anybody who uses the word woke is not a cool guy. Now, what would he do with the letter X, the famously underutilized letter in the alphabet?

Do you think that he would somehow be drawn to it? Do you know that he already owned... Maybe swap it out with A. He already owned x.com and things like that because he had tried to already call another company X. Yeah, I think I did know that. Maybe PayPal or something like that. Mmm, he just had it lying around. A domain. It was his domain. I don't feel like I gave good examples of what a billionaire would do with owning a dictionary, but I feel it's very full potential.

We never claimed we gave good examples on this podcast. We don't, we never claimed that we give good examples or good examples in law. I, it's, it's, it's, it's the thing that I think all the time is that like, just, just like, like when I get given an acting audition for something. Yeah. Just that thought that goes through my head is like,

I never said I was good at this. Yeah. You know? You didn't get it. I never said I was good at acting. Yes, I have an agent. Yes, I do auditions. Yes, I've acted in things.

I never said I was good at it. If you give me this job that's on you, Yeah. I'll do my best, absolutely. but I don't think that's good. If you think that's good or ever thought that was good, that was a lie you told to myself because that is not something that I have ever expressed. And if that's come across in the way I've presented myself, I apologize. That was not my intention. You guys have all made a terrible mistake.

Give me my $20,000. And every time the director asks me to do so, you know, give me some stuff, I'm like, look, I mean, I'll try, but once again, if you want this done differently, then you've hired the wrong man. If you want this done differently to how I will just do it in the first take, then. The, yes, that's right.

If you want somebody that you could guide in some way. I feel like, sorry, I've just started getting- Someone-hmm. I feel like, so I've just started getting- Someone with range. I feel like I've just, this is a very weird thing to tell you, but I've started getting notifications on my phone from Duolingo because I'm not, I don't use Duolingo, but my kid uses my account.

And it's like, Sebastian followed you back. I'm like, what? Tom followed you back. You go,, what? Tom followed you back. I go, I don't have to have a chat with my kids. I say, please stop following people on Duolingo. Oh my god. Everything is like a network now. Yeah.

Yeah. I had an idea. What are some other funny things where somebody could follow you that could be turned into a network? That'd be a great idea for a sketch. Other things that could be networks, Al? Oh yes, yes, yes. High network individuals. High network. Come on.

This high, oh high network, that could be like electrical wires. Oh, that is a really good idea for a high network. Sorry, you say what you were gonna say. Well, the idea was just like Was just do you think especially like guys like I guess like Socrates and Plato things like that Do you think they ever had guys who gave them like an idea for some philosophy and that are like they're like what about this? You should use that you should use you should do some of your philosophy on this I was thinking the other day that like people you know like people shouldn't like judge other people you should do

something on that I mean that's a bit better than what I was like I was thinking the other day that apples are a bit like rocks You can use that if you want you can use some of that like a rock that grows on a tree You can use that does that does that seem philosophical to you? Yeah, yeah, I don't really have time to philosophise on that. It is hard to convey how efficiently insulting that kind of suggestion can be for a comedian. Like when somebody is like, oh, this would be great for you. Something's happening.

People are saying something. A situation occurs. Gosh, you're going to get a lot out of this. Yeah. Oh, you could, you're going to use this, aren't you? You're like, oh, you, that's how low an opinion you think you have of my, what I do, that you think that this or whatever shit you just said is is comedy is has any worth I could do something with that could I

yeah oh yeah oh thank you I know the idea that people think I mean yeah or the same thing is like if you do a gig and people are like, yeah, can you roast some of my friends? Jim is awful at cricket. Yeah, you can just do what you do on that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what would the equivalent of that be? Would that be like a show, having

talked just now about how annoying people's suggestions are and how our process is way more complex than that. Let's try and think of something really funny like this, Alastair. That'd be like you showing up at a restaurant where the chef is cooking a meal and I guess slamming some, I don't know, some roadkill that you found on the street down on the desk, on the counter there in the middle of the kitchen and saying, you see what you can do with that. Oh yeah. Or you're bringing home like some just some bringing like you got it you're walking past a restaurant and you just have a handful of leaves he goes I found these on the walk here and I thought they smelt kind of weird and I thought you could probably do something with this.

You could use that. You could use that if you want. He's got a dead squirrel and a handful of leaves I thought well you well, you could probably, you could probably make a meal out of that. You could make an appetizer out of this. Use this if you're cooking. Yeah. I don't have time to sort of, you know, you just, you know, you do your thing where you put butter on it and you just slow cook it or something like that. I don't really have time to cook a squirt. I could do it. I could do it, but I'm not going to. We've got all these fruit, this tree that somebody cultivates, all this like inedible berries on the tree in their yard. I just thought

especially like an auntie who just pushes things, it's like, well I don't like throwing things away every year these berries grow and then they they go to waste and so I thought you guys could make something out of it just make a dessert or something then you bump into this that the chef bumps into this person who gave gave them the dead possum or whatever it is at a party or something and they're like have you done anything with that dead possum I gave you yet? How did it go? How did it taste? What do you mean you didn't cook it up?

What do you... yeah... oh... I'm giving you gold here! Oh that's a shame! Oh that's a real... Oh, that... that's ruined my day. Oh, you think you're too good for my dead possum, do you? Oh. Okay. Yeah. Oh, well next time... You're not so fucking special, mate. Yeah, well next time you let me know so that I can take it to someone who will appreciate it.

Yeah, I don't waste my time trying to help you. Anyway, that's the best. Just not taking criticism of this wasteful, pointless ideas. All right, I'll write down the giving chef. Giving chefs an idea for food. Because as comedians, the work we do is so important. And we've obviously done a lot over the years to exploit the idea of like when somebody heckles say I

don't come down to where you work and heckle you or whatever yeah we've covered that aspect of annoying comedian interactions but I don't think as a as a field we've explored that particular aspect enough. Fully exploited it. I suppose the perfect example for the chef there then would be somebody bringing in a dog shit and being like You should do something with this. I don't know if that is the perfect example, right? Because I think your one about leaves and a dead possum is the perfect example. Because you can imagine somebody looking at food and be like, well, this is just like

vegetables and meat. And. Right. So and it's the same, you know, it's the same stuff. That's what you use. So here's some of that. Um, whereas a dog shit, Alastair, I don't think falls into the category of a thing that you would assume that all, any of our, all food could be made out of. Sure, sure. But it's somebody who's like, well, I thought, well, this tastes terrible. But who makes things taste good is a chef. Oh, OK.

I see what you're saying. Yeah. You can't make this taste good. You don't sound like a very good chef to me. You just slow cook it. You put some spices, a bit of salt on there. Mmm. Oh, you know what I've been finding out? Because I something I'd realized whenever I ate bacon and then I would have a sip of like a cup of black coffee, I always found man the coffee tastes good. Mmm. And have you heard about people putting salt

in their coffee? I've heard about people putting butter in their coffee. I haven't heard about salt. Well, salt apparently just takes away some of the like less good, like tastes of the coffee and just makes it. So apparently my grandfather used to put salt in the percolator with the coffee. Yeah, wow.

I don't wanna take away any of the less good parts of the coffee. I'm here for the full experience. What if you just try it? No, no. No, Alastair, no. I don't think so. I'm not into that. Oh Andy, what if you just tried by accident?

What if you... More like one time in my entire life? Probably not. I mean this is just what you get Lee. What I do, that's what you're gonna get. Yeah I never said I was able to take on any feedback or follow through on any of your suggestions. I never said I was a good podcast co-host Alastair. I never claimed that. I didn't ask to be born. It's such a good comeback to anything. When your beloved asks you if you can change the baby's nappy.

Tell her. I did not ask to be born. I didn't ask for him to be born either. Oh wow. The baby's a man in this situation is it Alistair? The baby in my one was a woman baby. Oh, was it? A beautiful woman baby.

A model baby. It looked like Marilyn Monroe. Imagine that the baby comes out and it's a perfect Marilyn Monroe adult baby size wearing the white dress baby size but it's baby Resi-dent! Happy birthday! Mr. President! Oh, he must be hungry. She must be hungry. Oh, sorry, no, it's a little boy. It's a boy. Oh, it looks just like Marilyn Monroe. Yes, I'm... yes.

Well, that's very judgmental of you, but it's actually a little boy. So you're pushing your little Marilyn Monroe boy around in the pram and people are coming up and looking in and cooing over your little Marilyn Monroe and say, oh, she's such a beautiful little baby. It's a boy, actually. He is a beautiful boy. little baby it's a boy actually he looks exactly like Marilyn Monroe with the dress and the hair he's wearing the bar even got the Marilyn Monroe dress on he's singing happy birthday mr. president when he cries

When he cries. This is the most fucked idea I've ever heard. This is ridiculous. I don't know. I don't know what's happening anymore. It's my favourite idea that we've had in a long while. I agree. That it is your favourite idea you've had in a long while. Well, at least it's giving chefs an idea for food. Mmm. I've entirely forgot how to write Maryland just in that moment.

Um, M-A-R-I-L-Y-N? I forgot to listen Andy. Oh no, I've also forgotten how to listen. I've never seen how to listen. I never said I was good at listening, Andy. I never said that I was going to say things and then listen to your response. I never said I was going to come here and speak to you, Andy. If you thought I said that, then maybe you're not such a good listener either. Mmm, yes. The guy who will just... He's just awful at arguing.

I never said I'm as good at arguing. I don't know, I think he's quite good. Ira, I quite connect with it. Ira quite connect with it. Ira quite connect with it glass. Mmm. Mmm. Oh, my little baby, Ira Glass, it's she. She looks like Ira Glass.

My little baby. She sounds exactly like Ira Glass. Carglass. Carglass. Tonight on This American Life. Oh, I think he's got gas. She! She's got gas. Sorry.

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See, he's not wearing a dress. That's his skin. He just has skin that looks like, yes, it looks like there's wind coming out from the bottom of the pram. That's not wind, that's also his skin. What about as a woman there, right, and she's got a baby on a carrier on her front, right? Aircraft carrier? Um, no. No. No.

No. Oh, the aircraft baby carrier for men. Oh, there we go, yes, for men. You know? Yeah, okay, really good. The baby's sort of lying flat. It's a sort of a, I think that goes out in front of you, right, like the prow of an aircraft carrier, and the baby is lying flat there on its stomach with its arms out to the sides,

sort of like a Lear jet, and the baby is in one of those huge sort of elastic launching things that they have to help accelerate the aeroplane and and and the baby's dressed a little bit like a plane they're really good yep and so when you drop off the baby at daycare, you can launch the baby using the elastic thing and it sort of flies through the air. It's always good to have like a loose string, loose wire around the baby, the laying baby. Well it's also good to have them fly through the air, isn't it? That will stay at high speed.

Oh, I love that. I love that. And it's so that men feel, don't feel so emasculated by the, mmm, by wearing a papoose, by being seen to care for their own offspring. It's very undignified. Yes. You know, when you're trying to dominate people with your power stances and kind of thing. Yes, power stances and your handshakes and your high intellect. Mmm, your net worth. Your net worth. Your high net worth. Individuals. That would be cool. Giving birth to a high net worth individual. Mm. Oh, that would be cool. Do you think that they'd be able to detect the baby's net worth while it's still in the womb? Yeah. I mean, that would be cool.

Using maybe ultrasound? Maybe the Doppler effect? Oh yeah, using is, I mean this is a bit dark, but using, that there's a test for what the expected net worth of your baby is. And then people choosing to abort because it's not high enough. Yeah just doesn't make financial sense. Oh well does it does it do you know what approximate net worth this baby might have? He might have. So you know. But what about this Alastair? It's a woman she's got a baby carrier on her front. Normal one, normal baby carrier like a baby Bjorn or an ergo baby or something like that. I forgot what you were going to say.

The baby's there, it's waving its arms around, it's gurgling, right? It's facing out, the baby. And a friend she hasn't seen for a long time comes up and says, oh, congratulations on the baby, right? And the woman with the carrier says, ah, what baby? Are you calling me fat with a belly that has, like, arms coming off it and legs and a face that can gurgle oh my god and then that her friend is so mortified oh no sorry no oh it was a skin it was actually a skin tag it's a skin tag. The lady, she goes home, she's and she's, you know, getting undressed

and you see that it's just a big lump of flesh with like a face sort of dimpled into it. How do you? Sort of floppy skin tags that come off the sides, sort of like arms and legs. What baby? I mean, I really like the identity. It's really, it's mortifying, isn't it? It's mortifying to think. I really put my foot in it earlier today. I bumped into Sharon.

You remember Sharon from the ceramics class well I Congratulated her on her new baby. Oh, no you didn't you should never congratulate someone on their new baby What if it's just a bunch of skin tags exactly? But it was gurgling and cooing oh Even if it's gurgling and cooing. Oh no! Even if it's gurgling and cooing, she might just have a suppurating ulcer that's sort of releasing gas. Well that's what it was! Oh my god! Oh we'll never do that again.

And she goes out the next day and she says, what a beautiful dog you have. What dog? Oh no, she just had a sort of a long string of leathery finger that has of hair at the end that moves. Oh, how mortified. Oh, congratulations on the new Lamborghini. What Lamborghini? Oh my gosh. Oh no. It's just a scab.

It's a big scab. She recently had an operation and that's how the scab is drawing. That's the swelling. I'm mortified. Andy, it's... This is a great series of bits. We're having a good episode, Alastair. Yeah, I'm having a good series of bits. We're having a good we're having a good episode Alastair Yeah, I'm having a good episode as well. Mm-hmm and and so am I

What else comes in episodes? seizures and then sitcoms yes, so anything in between a sort of a Attack of an episode. Oh, yes. It's either a sort of an attack of an episode. Oh yes. It's either a sort of a debilitating attack of some kind or it's a quite enjoyable sort of diversion for probably half an hour or an hour. Yeah.

A televisual feast. Yeah. Of episodes. Not the kind of feast that you have I mean you know I suppose the the epileptic fit could also be a feast but you're eating your own tongue. A feast for the mouth. It's a real feast for the mouth. Of course as we always say here on Toon the Think Tank, but unfortunately you can't taste your own tongue.

One of the great tragedies of our... And God's put it right there in your mouth. Hey Socrates, what about how you can't taste your own tongue? You should do something with that. I reckon Socrates could do something with that actually. That's pretty good. Yeah. Maybe he did but he didn't write it down.

It was lost forever. Plato, because I mean if Plato wasn't there to hear it, bloody hell. Imagine all that philosophising that we missed out on. What about a chef who just stimulates the tongue directly we already had this idea on the dance's probably dances on your tongue with his fingers yeah maybe or just has some little probes of some kind he bypasses the whole food component yeah and he just gets right in there yeah just squeezes individual taste buds I guess guess, with his fingers.

Oh yeah. Or a little pair of tweezers or something. I do like that. I'm just gonna write that down straight away. Thanks. I mean, we're just having such a good episode that I've made a... They should come up with a tongue screen. I'm sure somebody's trying to do this, but like something that you can sort of lay over the tongue, like a screen that

you look at with your eyes, a phone screen, but this is a screen for the tongue. You lie there over the tongue, tongue presses up against it, and then various flavors play across the tongue screen. Sort of like tongue braille. Tongue braille. You a sort of like tongue braille. Tongue braille. You know, but moving tongue braille. Could be good. Oh, moving tongue braille. That's my favorite Miyazaki film.

Sorry, that would be- Leon's moving tongue braille. Leon's moving tongue braille about a chef that That has a blanket for your tongue that makes you taste things a screen sorry Thank you for your apology Unfortunately, I am unable to accept the apology screen is sort of just like a televisual blanket isn't it? Because sometimes you do put up a blanket

instead of a screen. That's true. It's the thing, you know, it's the thing you think, well maybe. Maybe if you could use a blanket as a screen, then you could use a screen as a blanket. Yeah. You know. What, what? I put put a screen so that we could project some

things on and lay it a bunch of TVs or whatever me it's really funny but also quite upsetting to try and imagine somebody trying to keep warm under a bunch of TVs, under a bunch of LED screens, pulling them up, trying to balance them over their feet. I'm so stupid as fuck. I'm just shit in the fucking things. Alright, I'll just... Screech. Alastair, we must have five sketch ideas. And they are sketch ideas, and they are ideas, and they are for sketches.

Absolutely. Okay, Andy. Well, today we have three words from a listener now. I don't know if you know this, but we have listeners. And one of them is sent in three words from one. And so today's listener, Andy, is Brayden Douglas. Brayden Douglas. Brayden, it feels like it's been too long, Brayden Douglas.

Too long. Too long between tanks. Um, too long. Too long between tanks. Yes, too long. Too long in the think tank. That's right. That's way better than the too long, too furious I was going to say. Um, um, now, too long doesn't, no forget it. Um. So, Braden has sent in three words. Andy, do you want to try and guess what the first word is?

Yeah. The first word is... Don't forget to think about it. Okay, okay. Pawpaw. Pawpaw. Let me have a look. Oh, you got one...

You got one of the vowels correct. Oh, let me have a look. Oh, you got one, you got one of the vowels correct. Oh, yes. The first word is scrambled. Okay, scrambled, egg. The second word is egg. No, Andy, that's a terrible guess. What? Terrible guess. The second word is example.

Scrambled example. Okay, how can there be a third word? Example. Third word. How could there be a third word? Egg. There's nothing like on toast scrambled example. Rat. Rat. Let me have a look. Oh very close you got one of the vowels correct it is ambulance sorry Andy scrambled example ambulance yeah I think I don't really what's the pattern with the third

one there well I mean you know what the scrambled example is but I think I think the last one just goes to classic three words you know yeah sure reverts well I guess then that's what I was trying to do with the rat thing. That's right, Andy. You were going back to first principles. Just think of a word, you know? Yeah, like we used to, before we got caught up in this whole, you know, fucking with this kind of thing. And it was just about the words. I never said that.

I want to get back to that. I could find patterns between words. I never said that. I want to get back to that. I could find patterns between words. Scrambled example ambulance. I mean an example ambulance is an interesting idea. It's an ambulance that shows up places. They're not real paramedics. It's not even a real ambulance. It's just to show people what it would be like if an ambulance did show up. Oh, like a sort of like one of

those houses that you build for just to show people what the house is like. And so this, no this is just an example ambulance, this is what it would look like if we were picking you up. It's a model ambulance. We're just gonna run through so I know you need an ambulance but we're just gonna run through what it's gonna be like when the ambulance does arrive. I mean maybe that's ideas funnier for a hospital they've built a full hospital but it's just a model hospital

to give people an idea of what the hospital could be like and somebody in an emergency suffering a genuine emergency comes into this model hospital and they're able to be shown oh and over here is where you would receive the treatment and then this is this is where you would recover from the treatment. This is what the doctor will look like. If you're trying to pick him up, this is what he's like in his clothes and then you go get changed and then we'll show you what he looks like in his civilian clothes. When he's leaving at the end of a shift. He wouldn't treat you dressed like this obviously,

but you might see him waving to the nurses as he passes the reception desk. And you might mutter to one of your loved ones, fucking hell, he's clocking off or something like that. And he hasn't even seen anybody. But this is just to give you some idea of what it would be like if you did get treatment. But this is, I mean I think it works for both this and the ambulance because I think the

ambulance is also funny to me because it's somebody needs aid in a real emergency. Urgent, urgent situation. So somebody's you know maybe leg is you is, you know, bleeding very badly. And they're like, no, we'll just run you through. It's kind of like a, a prenatal class, but for every other procedure where we're like, well, when, you know, well, when it comes to stitching up your leg, what they're gonna do is,

yeah, and then breathe like this. Breathe. This is what, it's a breathing technique. No, I do like that. So they've kind of like this. So when, when the needle goes in and when it comes out, I just want you to go like this. So when the needle goes in and when it comes out, I'd want you to go like this. It's just normal breathing. And then the person who showed you around the ambulance says, so does this sound like the kind of ambulance you'd be interested in? Can I put your name down on my list? You're like, oh sure. Can I get your mobile phone? Yeah, great, okay. They write your name and phone number down on their clipboard and they say, thanks so

much. All right. Can we get your email? Can we send you info about model ambulances in the future? Then a couple of months later, they'll send you a text that says, are you still looking for an ambulance? Yeah. Did you end up getting an ambulance some classic home buyer comedy we haven't heard from you in a while hope you're going okay if you'd like us to stop

contacting you about an ambulance I mean a proactive ambulance, that's a nice idea isn't it? That is hassling you. You sure you don't need an ambulance? An ambulance that just crawls up and down the street slowly. It's a guy who's just started up his ambulance company. Oh yeah. You know, and he's just started up his ambulance company. Oh yeah. You know and he's just like, oh do you guys need anything? Have you hurt yourself? No, anybody here hurt themselves. I get paid per delivery so it's just you know.

No, no I mean if you're all fine I'll just wait out the front. I've just heard a lot of people often call the ambulance for things that they don't necessarily really need the ambulance for and I was wondering if any of you guys had that. I mean, people say that but it doesn't actually happen as much as you think. Because you know, my bills are piling up. That's really good. It was just like wait my computer just did a weird thing. Is it just maybe the, I hope it's the screen saver. The needy ambulance Alastair.

Yeah the needy ambulance. I think. It's a beautiful beautiful closing sketch. I mean are they, are they actively like sort of grabbing people off the street who seem unwell? Oh, he's, yeah, he's running up to people in the park who are laying down with a stretcher. It's just one guy. Oh, this person is fainted. It is just one guy, is it? So not enough people to actually carry a stretcher.

Oh, not dragging the stretcher. I think we might have done it. I think we might have done it elsewhere and that's perfect timing because I am absolutely running out of steam. Well. Isn't that a great idea for a sketch? Running out of steampunk. We love a steampunk idea.

Yes. Well. But no more steam. No more steam out of steampunk. It's machines that are powered by not having power. Oh yes. Just having run out of power. Well, we've just we've we're no longer able to reach a hundred degrees Celsius In huma in in on on earth, yeah, that's interesting. That's a great idea

It's called 99 Yeah, and you build try and build a a steam engine that is powered by lukewarm water Lukewarm water engine you can hear it sort of sloshing around in there And the the engine isn't warmed up by shoveling coal into it. It's warmed up by the guys, all the people who work on the train, rubbing it, rubbing the boiler and sort of gripping it between their thighs, pressing their naked bodies up against the boiler and sort of trying to heat it over their body temperature.

It's it's there there are veritable Edgar and Wilbur right of Luke Walton. I don't know what Wilbur was I think correct. I don't know if it's Edgar. Yeah, that's not it. Good. But I mean, this is the this is a different situation. So it could very well be Edgar. It if it's Edgar. Yeah, that's not Edgar, but I mean this is the this is a different situation So it could very well be Edgar. It's it's yes, very good All right, I've also run out of steam but my mind's early in the morning steam. All right. I let's wrap it up I'll gonna take us to the sketch ideas

Sure, we have a boyfriend-in in law and the new in law language. We have a billionaire buys the dictionary. We have guy who gives suggestions to philosophers. We have giving chef some ideas for food by giving the berries and dead animals. We have the Marilyn Monroe baby boy. We have the aircraft baby carrier. We have the net worth test for fetuses and then choosing to abort.

We have the lady with baby, beautiful baby. What baby? Oh, horror. Nice dog, nice Lamborghini, of course. We have the chef that's just touching people's tongues. We have the blanket screen and TV, TV blankets. We have the example ambulance slash hospital and we have the needy ambulance. I wonder if the one with the lady with the baby carrier on the front, you know, could

it, could it be more realistic and you know, it might be less funny, but it would certainly be more achievable. And it might actually be more funny if the baby is sort of in one of those properly sort of tucked up little papoose things where you can't see its arms and legs and you sort of only just see the top of its hairy lumpy head up there and I guess that's just like she's just got some hair on the top of her stomach yeah or like or chest yeah in the sort of yeah the chest area just there and and just a middle boob and she's got a middle boob and that's all. That's all it is. It's just a hairy middle boob. Oh, a mono boob, of course. I am mortified.

The mono boob. I am mortified. Yes, Andy. This all sounds terrific. Well done. Well done, everyone. Hold on. Well, I will go into the song now. Slimey dog juice in the bath. Take a sip by the path. Oh, what a great episode. Yeah, I've had fun.

Flawless. Flawless. What a way to end. Exactly. And anything to plug? I was on a recent episode of The Gargle. I haven't had the courage to listen back, but if you do listen to it and you think it was good, let me know.

Otherwise, don't tell me. Don't tell me. Don't tell me what you think. Don't tell me about it. Unless it's really, you really, really really like that that's right don't tell you you believe that you are a really good actor now I've never claimed I'm a good actor but if you think you're a good enough actor to tell me it was good and make me believe it I'd love to hear that I never claimed I was good at taking compliments. Thank you very much everybody for listening and we love you. Bye. ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

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