Two In The Think Tank - 453 - "GOD-FREE OLYMPICS"

Episode Date: December 4, 2024

Find Jack Druce's Sketch Comedy Pilot right here.There's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is an ad by BetterHelp. What's your perfect night? Is it curling up on the couch for a cozy, peaceful night in? Therapy can feel a bit like that. Your comfort place where you replenish your energy. With BetterHelp, get matched with a therapist based on your needs entirely online. It's convenient and suited to your schedule. Find comfort this season with BetterHelp.

Visit BetterHelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelpH-E-L-P.com. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank. Two in the Think Tank. Oh no. You accidentally promoted a Patreon only podcast. Yes. I have fallen at the first hurdle and it is a hurdle. Yes and it hurtled me right in the ears. Excellent. Alastair you have risen at the first hurdle right there That's right. Yeah, you have I told you play the butter notes and then you played the butter notes and I just I just made them make sense Don't play the butter. Actually. I already fucked it up. I know I've fallen in a hurdle I've already fucked it up. Oh, I've fallen at a hurdle.

And you have let me there, grave my knee. What we are doing, I just see this is the thing though, I don't think these things, I said they are hurdles, but really the things that we are falling at are not even hurdles. No, no I didn't. And that is something that people who say fallen at the first hurdle often neglect to consider is that it is very possible if you try very hard to fall well before the first hurdle or perhaps to bring your own hurdle and then smash yourself, not in the leg,

but in the face with it before the starting pistol has even been fired. I mean, it would be great for there to be a hurdles race and And there are no hurdles on the thing, but all the hurdles are ones are our baggage that you bring with you Yeah, good for example the physical baggage Some of it is physical, some is psychological but you have to bring both you have to bring the same number of hurdles that they do have.

And there is a way that they weigh them up and make them all equal. And then there's also reverse hurdles, which are called boostles, right? And that's if for example you like an emotional trampolines can be things like if you're driven if you're driven and competitive well that's a boostle and so you have to have a bigger hurdle to balance out that boostle yeah I think this is this is true competition I think

we did already at one point come up with the unmotivated Olympics the Olympics for people who just don't really care that much about competing in the Olympics and because I think it is a shame that only you see whatever Olympics it is that we are forced to endure. The thing that they all have in common is that those people want to be in the Olympics. And I for one am sick of seeing this fetishization of this very exclusive group of people who have a desire to be there. Are good at things that have a desire to be there. And then have allowed their are good at things have a desire to be there. They want to be there. They're good at things that have a desire to be there. And then have allowed their being good at things to continue to motivate them to continue doing that thing.

You know? Yes. And... Yes, no, it's crutch. It's a crotch, but we're gonna make ours. Hey. Did you say it's a crotch? Yeah, I said it's a crotch, yeah.

But we're gonna make that one as like a full blown anus. You know, not helpful at all in the sports. Full blown. Full blown. I don't think a full blown anus. Doesn't sound great. Doesn't sound great. You know, what would also be good is is is an Olympics for well I like no okay

this is I'm changing my idea okay so forget the idea that I hadn't told you okay forget forget everything you thought you knew about this idea today. Everything changes. Yes, that I haven't told you. Okay, you know how you have like a stage mum and a stage dad, somebody who's like, you know, really driven to get their kids into TV and movies and that sort of thing or whatever it is. Or I might have similar things with sport, right? You have that really pushy parent who's just driving their kid. Now this isn't that, right? But this is a dad who's growing up and he doesn't want his son to be a great tennis

player, but he wants his son's son to be a great tennis player. So he is trying to raise his son to be a very pushy person who pushes his son. That's really good. And it's called, he goes to Stage Dad Academy. I'm really confusing the two concepts of the stage and the sporting arena. Yeah. But you know, it's still called Stage Dad Academy. Yeah. Sure. A great sporting hero of some sort, right? Okay. Yeah, that's really, Andy, that's a really good sketch. I'll do that. Thank you. That makes up for all those hurdles that you let me trip over

and then didn't fix me. You didn't fix me. Oh, what about it's a, it's a hurdles, but it's for those who are going through a really hard time and, and Jesus is carrying them through the hurdles. And so it's, it's for people who have life has beaten them down and when they look down they're not actually running the race. It's Jesus carrying them. Oh wow. It's Jesus. Does that mean that you need eight Jesuses to have a standard competition? You need eight Jesuses but that doesn't even count all of the heats.

Oh of course. Well you could presumably you could reuse the same Jesuses. Let's not. Why? I don't think everyone needs their own personal Jesus. Somebody who's already had a Jesus and who's run versus maybe a fresh Jesus. You know. That's true. I mean, this is great. this Jesus has really got fresh legs.

He's got a fresh Jesus. Oh this Jesus had a knee injury in his 20s. Yeah so it is but it is exactly the same as I guess it really is horse racing now, isn't it? But it's with Jesus's carrying them through difficult times Because yeah, because I think at least in horse racing No, no because yeah, because no Horse racing you don't choose jockeys Specifically because their life is going bad You know, but you do choose them because they are light. Yes. Well, they are you do you their body is going bad. No, but you do choose them because they are light.

Yes, well they are. Their body is growing small, not very much. Mmm, but in this case, you choose them because they are burdened emotionally. It's sort of the opposite for the Jesuses. And actually, and so you would still do a sort of inverse weigh-in and you would add weight to the Jesuses. The Jesus is carrying them Olympics. And it's all run on sand so that when they cross the finish line, and this is going to be hard for the Jesuses.

I mean carrying somebody and jumping over hurdles on sand, soft sand. Well, I mean it could be. It could obviously be. This is the thing about the Jesuses, they love the competition. The Jesuses are pouring at the earth. The Jesuses are carrying them Beach Olympics. Yeah, great. pouring at the earth. Jesus is carrying them beach Olympics. Yeah, great. Yeah.

God, I'm really excited to see those Jesuses. You know, the starting line there. Just like, do you think they're doing a barefoot, right? They're milling about, they're milling about. Of course they're doing it barefoot? They're milling about, of course they're doing it barefoot. Of course they're doing it barefoot. That's one of the ways you know it's a Jesus. I think if it turns out that Jesus has got some sort of secret barefoot running shoe on, it's a huge scandal. And, you know, while we're here, all these people who say that God helped them

throughout sporting things, throughout sporting events, I feel like there should be, much like- That's an unfair advantage. Exactly, much like these Olympics that they're gonna put on where everybody's allowed to drug or whatever like that. But we have the normal Olympics where people aren't allowed to drug. There should be an Olympics for people

who don't have Jesus on their, God on their side. Yeah, really good. I love to see the World Anti-Doping Agency kicking open people's doors and finding them hastily getting up off their knees at the bedside. And they are probably, turns out that at the starting line and what you thought were the person's lower legs were actually

false legs and they were actually kneeling on top of these false legs so they were praying just before the race started with these sort of floppy flesh-colored rubber appendages dangling from their knees, aha Yeah, of course I was Oscar Pistorius technically kneeling. That's right. That's what I was actually going there as well Should he did he get the legs cut off so that he was praying the whole time He was always in the praying position and therefore was closer. I'm always praying. I'm always praying mate. Oh you know what he does? Closer

to God. You know what he does? He probably could, before he puts on his legs, his like his blades, he could sprinkle in a bit of ground in there so that he's always kneeling on the ground the whole time. Oh my god. Yes. He's got gravel right up against his skin. It's an unfair advantage I tell ya. How do you know he's not got dirt in the top of them things? Yeah because they this is somebody who's really angry after they've just been beaten. They shouldn't be in these godless Olympics. You know, because they often run with their... Atheist Olympics. Yeah, and they often run with their hand in that flat position.

I'd like to thank science! But they often run with their hand in that flat, you know, sort of blade-like motion that's at like a half prayer. It's like a half prayer hand. Yeah. You know, that wouldn't be allowed. And if you move your hands quickly enough, it's a blur, God can't tell the difference.

Yes, that's right. I don't know what the frame, God is always watching, but we don't know what the frame rate of God's eyes is. And from what frame of reference. What frame of reference. If it's at a diagonal, you could run with one hand forward and one hand back. And from God's point of view,

it would look like they're together. Oh, I'm really, I'd love to see somebody do that at the Olympics. He knew that God was looking from a diagonal. I just think it would look amazing seeing somebody running top speed full Usain Bolt at 100 meters or mmm sort of funnier if it's a 400 meters and they're going around the corners but those hands are just locked into position one forward and one backwards moving I think

that would look I think that would look really upset and if you Upset It's upsetting and it's unsettling it's upset like but maybe he's tracking them He's moving them, but he's tracking it with the movement of God because God probably isn't just sitting still No, I know you have got this God thing, this element. I've already moved on from that. Oh, you're just talking about the person running. That is old news. It's old news. I thought he was still doing that as a thing for god, but no, no, you're just talking about a guy who runs with one hand up into the right and one hand down into the left.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, how how real fuckhead and but this is this is the other way you win the Olympics. It would be funny because he would be a fuckhead. This is but but this is the ray gun approach to you know you get to the Olympic final you know you're not gonna come first in the in the 400 meters okay you know you know, you know deep down that's not gonna happen. Right, and then so what is your best hope? Well your best hope is to have a viral moment.

So I think really the whole bottom half of the field, if you aren't confident you're gonna come better than fourth, you should just be being such a weird fucking unit all the way around the 400 meters trying to go viral. That would be a great idea. And of course, yeah, holding your hands like that. Maybe doing a side run. I mean, I'd love... I have heard Neil deGrasse Tyson say that because animals run faster

because of their multiple limbs, their four limbs, that there has been apparently people working on this in the human species to get the four limbed run faster and faster to the point where they think, and he has some date where they think based on the progress that they've made by like 2032 We will be running faster on four limbs than we are on two limbs This is not Scientists people who are like working on this kind of thing

Wow, I think that's the day everyone stops watching the Olympic. No. That is so upsetting. Maybe. Maybe they tell you that there's the first guy. That is so upsetting. They tell you there's the first guy. And you're going to hear about this on the news, right? You're going to hear about this.

There's the first guy who did a like a regional athletics and on four limbs. Yeah, and he's run the hundred meters in eight seconds. Yeah and he's beat the sort of everybody else. Oh it's so good and you just see him slowly climb in the ranks and working his way towards the Olympics and the world holds its breath. You telling me everybody on earth wouldn't be watching that race. You're absolutely race. That's the day we all clock back into the Olympics. We're like, you know what? Maybe these Olympics aren't so shit after all. Yeah, that's the real Australian crawl.

That's right. And then they start bringing in like, you know, four-limbed quadruped skiing. Somehow they figure out that's faster. It's the it's the Fosby flop of running. I mean and you're lower to the ground in the bent over, you're probably more aerodynamic. Probably, probably. Would you wear shoes on your hands? I think you got to. You got to? You know?

That's the only logical thing to do. I don't know, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't want to smash my fingers on the ground while I'm going. I reckon you're probably going to fold up your hand into a little hoof and put some sort of shoe over that. That's my suspicion. Yeah, right. That's a great idea. Just the fingers just You might even hold on to like something squishy in the middle of your hand. I Mean this is so this is so fucked. This is so fucked up I think is it you I've got a suspicion that Neil deGrasse Tyson has just run out of interesting things to say on podcast

Yeah, and he has he is because he has his guys beavering away yeah you guys gotta make me you guys got it like there's like scientists that are working on creating developments just for Neil deGrasse Tyson to say exactly so just so that he can blow people's minds yes they go oh it's actually this the scientific establishment is not making enough stuff that is mind-blowing. It's not keeping pace. It's not keeping pace with the Neil deGrasse Tyson podcast clip. We.

Facebook, YouTube, Instagram clip, industrial. We know that by 2025, there will actually be no more things for a scientist to say that could affect your mind in any way, let alone blow it. Yes. People, they think that people may cease to hear science communication by mid 2025,

because the words will just be white noise. It will be so similar to everything else we've heard. Yeah, yeah, we will have heard everything. All right, Alastair, how about this? Drive-through conversations, okay? Yeah. So drive-through? Yeah.

Okay. With the standard, you got your little window there and then you got the other little window a bit further along and it's when you're going on a long drive, you see the little symbol there like not Maccas but maybe it's Yakkas, you know. And you pull over, you go to the first window, you have a little word with the person at the... ...in the little pipe... what do you call it? Microphone, right? Then you drive up and you talk to the person in the first window, then you drive along. Pipe? Is it a pipe?

Yeah, they just took straight into a pipe. What do they use? Oh, a pipe-based fast food place. Sounds so good. Then you go along to the third window. I mean, it's got your classic debate structure. You know, it's got your first speaker, your second speaker and then your rebuttal. Oh, so wait, it's a three-pipe thing. And the first speaker gets a little bit your rebuttal. Oh, so wait, it's a three pipe thing. And the first speaker gets a little bit of rebuttal. What's the first pipe? It's got the microphone speaker bit.

It's really three chances to talk to them. And so then you talk to one person there. And maybe you talk to them about what you would like to talk to the second person about. And you have a little conversation about what would be a good thing to have as a conversation with the next person. And while you're driving across they tell the next person Oh, yeah, yeah to get ready like to talk about this kind of thing which gives them a couple of seconds to think of things to say

Because you gotta think of things to say yeah, yeah, what if there's an awkward silence Yeah, I mean that'd be awful wouldn't it you get to the last window and they say can you just go and we can't Think of anything to say could you just go wait over in that little spot over there? You would give that fast that fast conversation place such a bad rating on Google Maps or whatever like that. Yes Google reviews what? How about this Alistair you'll love this you'll love this get ready get ready get your juices ready to flow It's a fast. It's a you can have a little argument. Oh no wait, that's just a mon... Monty Python sketch. I was going to get it because I was going to...

No it isn't. I was going to say it's fast fu... fast feud. Fast feud. Oh, fast feud. Fast feud. Fast feud. That is good. Fast feud. That is fun to say. It is fun to say, but it's just a pun. And it's a Monty Python sketch. Now it isn't.

Now it isn't? You're just taking the contrary position. You're just contradicting. Well, if I'm going to argue with you, I have to take the contradictory position. Now you don't. That's one of the best things. It's just because that's the one thing that John Cleese is really good at. He's just saying, no, or now it isn't. You know, and that's what he doesn't do enough anymore.

Because he's just saying things. He wants us to believe his things. So he's saying, oh, people aren't to believe his things. So he's saying, oh people aren't funny anymore. But instead we should be saying, we should be saying people are still funny. He should be waiting for that. If he's going to play it with strength, he should wait for us to say, we are funny now. Then he could go, now you aren't? Now it isn't?

It wouldn't quite work, but... But I mean really, uh... That is the the Monty Python argument sketch. That is what all discourses become. That is what... That's what fucking Twitter has turned into. I genuinely feel, on Blue Sky, that it feels like old Twitter. Yeah, wow. Like. Yeah, that's so exciting. Like genuinely, it's been nice.

It's like people just posting jokes as well. There's still some bullshit. There's still a fair bit of bullshit, but you don't, but it's not, I don't know why, how it just became so bad. But it just kind of feels a bit like old twitter when it's like I don't know why how it how it just became so bad but it just kind of feels a bit like old Twitter when it's like you just go there and you just open up the window and you're like I'm just gonna try and write a little jokey mm-hmm like that mmm and that's yeah yeah I did a little bit of that yesterday

really really for the first time while I was driving in, while I was training in on the train. Training day. And training day and... King Kong ain't got nothing on me. Wrote some little jokes and it was good. It was good. Yeah, well I'll have to go and read them soon. Thank you so much for...

What, you know... You're not stupid old Andy on there. What are you, you Andy Matthews? No, I think I'm Andy Matthews. I don't know. I don't... I actually don't know how the whole system works, the handle system works, and I don't know how to find out. But it can't be that hard, and I'm not saying that I don't have the ability to find out, Alistair. This isn't one of those things where I mean probably I won't I but I do think I could but I do also think that I won't But I think John Cleese He obviously is always trying to find ways to make money these days and I think we have come up with his like

Trillion dollar idea which is that he should just sit put his phone number out there Sit by the phone and you should be able to call up phone number out there, sit by the phone and you should be able to call up and just have a little argument with John Cleese and it'll be just like old John, you know? He won't be being really tedious. No, that's right. It'll just be a nice, pure little moment. You just go say, I'd like to have an argument and he'll say, I've told you once. Well I've told you once, what?

No you haven't, yes I have. See and that'll be good. And also Andy, your handle is Andy Matthews. So it's just M-A-T-T-H-E-U-S. Double T. So you're sticking with that, eh? Do you think it's time for me to stop telling people it's double T in Matthews?

Because I have always told everybody, but also I've never known anybody to write Matthews with a single T. Really? And I think, you know, probably if I added up all the hours I've spent telling people double T, I could get a full couple of extra days on my life and on those people's lives.

Do you know that there's a former UFC champion that was called Matt Hughes? Do you ever have to go Andy Matthews, not the former UFC champion? I say, not Matt Hughes. Not Matt Hughes. Not Andy Matthews. The Andy version, sort of some alternate universe Andy version of the violent, you know, man who beats people up for a living but is now retired.

I don't have to say that Alastair but I do. Andy, I was thinking about this the other day, you know about essential oils. What about this? Essential fats. Non-essential oils. Oh essential fats. I'm talking whale blubber. That stuff on salmon, that sort of gloopy stuff that's real close to the jelly. Salmon gloop. Salmon gloop. That horrible, I don't know, pork crackling. Is that a fat? Yeah. I guess it is. It's a hard fat. It's just a rendered fat. It's a fat that you cooked in fat until it, no rendered, isn't rendered fat now? I could be wrong, Alison. I could be wrong.

And I'm not a fat guy. I've never claimed to be a fat guy. In that I'm somebody who knows about fats. You mean not a fat head. You never claimed to be a fat head. Yeah. But, but a crack, I thought rendered fats were ones that were more liquid, more running.

I was waiting for you to say emulsified. I was waiting for you to say, to just describe emulsification and tell you what I was gonna jump on you, but then you didn't and so now I'm an idiot but You can still jump on me if you like. Let's see I Am now unsure Andy, but let's see. Oh, let's see rendered fat what is I

Think if you boil fat or something like that it separates out into different components and the rendered fat might be a sort of a, either a thicker or a thinner. Oh, okay, rendering is a process. Oh, rendering, like you're just, okay, because this is really, okay, is a process that converts waste animal tissue

into stable, usable materials. Oh, you're rendering it usable. Rendering it can refer to any processing of animal products into more useful materials or more narrowly to the rendering of the whole animal fatty tissue into purified fats like lard or tallow. You were right, Andy, you were turning it into that. But I think by doing that, maybe you're getting rid

of a lot of the fat, like liquid fat. You may be right. You may be right. And then you're getting that kind of crunchy, nice stuff. Yeah. So maybe both. Well, maybe not crunchy, but definitely solid, definitely more solid and gelatinous.

No, no. I mean when you're making pork, when you're making pork crackling. Mmm. Yeah. You don't think. Okay. You think, you think it's not crunchy? Because I don't know if you've ever had pork crackling then No, I'm not saying it's not crunchy I'm still just trying to maintain that you were wrong in the first place to suggest that this process was wrapped or enduring I haven't I haven't taken my eyes off the prize for one second

You are and that prize is still proving you to have made some minor linguistics I don't worry, the sweet fruits. Everything will balance out, Andy, don't worry. Anything will balance out. I work more as a, in the sort of non-traditional combat, of course, as you know, and I will get you using guerrilla warfare when you don't even feel, or haven't even made a mistake, and that's when I will really get you using guerrilla warfare when you don't even feel or haven't even made a

mistake and that's when I will really get you. What about, because when you render a house, though, that involves spraying concrete on the outside of it, right, or smearing some sort of, you know, sort of a hard coating on the outside of a house, but why are there no fats used in the building process? I think this is a missed opportunity by the building industry. I can't name a single fatty, fat-based building material, and I think if you could get a house that is rendered but with fat nice coating a fatty It would be waste product all over the would be so good for

Blocking all that those those air leaks that enter into your house if you just sprayed blubber all over the outside of your Exactly, but then it also would make sense to fill the walls with blubber. Well, yes. I mean, what do we know about blubber? It's an insulating material. I mean, think about it. For those whales. Having your house as well insulated as a whale.

An Antarctic minky or something like that. You know, a minky or a sperm. You know, get that, get that, that's spermica, whatever it's called. Sperm whale, material whale. This is an ad by BetterHelp. What's your perfect night? Is it curling up on the couch for a cozy, peaceful night in?

Therapy can feel a bit like that. Your comfort place where you replenish your energy. With BetterHelp, get matched with a therapist based on your needs, entirely online. It's convenient and suited to your schedule. Find comfort this season with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more and save 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com. Ampigris? No no, there's something else it got sperm in it No, no, no Ambergris got the ambergris came up Andy. I literally wrote it down in the last Sperm whale oil, let's try that Sperm oil. Oh my god, Andy. It's it's spermaceti. Oh, I found it. Spermaceti. Yeah. It's a. Sounds like a type of Italian food. It sounds like a really

delicious Italian food. Mm hmm. I mean, let's let's let's concoct it Andy. Okay. What is spermaceti? Okay, first thing you do is you put your pasta on. All right? Yeah, it feels like it has a white sauce, whatever it is.

I'm sorry to say that. It's fine. And then Andy, you just put it in, you cook it, and then you take the elements that you would put into the pan you don't cook them You're gonna just use the hot water the heat from the hot pasta when it's cooked and it's just gonna be sperm I mean you code it Italian should make little they love a new pasta type Yeah, they should make little sperm shape. Well, I think they do make a penis pasta for for women's women's bucks parties there the

Traditional Italian what region does that come from? Oh, yeah, what part of Italy is that from? Let's see. Did you say women's bucks parties? Yes, women's bucks parties. Oh that's a great idea by the way. It's the, you could sell this, no worries. It's a, and while you're doing it, why not do hen's parties for men? Right. It's a really good idea. Because then firstly. Women's bucks parties, it's just a bunch of guys who don't know each other all that well,

awkwardly hanging out, playing pool, but they're women. Yeah. These guys are women. Andy, it's exactly the same thing. Awkwardly playing pool. All you're doing, what you're really doing here is you're a company that is offering each married couple

a chance to have two final nights, right? Really good. So first you have your bucks party or your hen's night, and then you do the gender reverse, and then the boys go out for a hen's night, and the girls go out to a bucks party, and they all go and drink pints, What's a pints man's drink?

They go paintballing go paintballing go to the go-karts they go go karting and then I go to the strippers and Hey force one guy one gal go get a dance. I pay for her to have a dance force one guy, one gal, to go get a dance. They pay for her to have a dance and then they encourage her to make out with the stripper. Yeah great, and she pretends to not really want it but she secretly does really want it. But below that layer she secretly also doesn't want any of this. There's another secret layer beneath the one she even admits to herself.

That's right, and then the boys, then they have their box party, and then they go have their hands night, where they go and do sip and paint, whatever it is. You know, they do a sip and paint, and then they open gifts that they bought for each other at some other thing thing at another place when they're having espresso martinis and Cosmopolitans

Really good that I see one. It's a really really good idea I actually think that probably you would have more fun as a man on a hen's night Then you probably would on a hen's night than you probably would on a bucks night. I don't know that the inverse is true but it's possible. It's possible. I think just the fact that you're sort of you're playing pretend a little bit, I think that's the part that gives it an extra bit of fun. Oh of course. I think a lot of the a lot of the the the gals I think they would enjoy doing this, oh yeah, come on boys, like that. Yeah.

And they would all act like football players. And I think that that would be maybe the most fun thing about the whole thing. And they'd also... Alternate... I was just going to say alternative formulation of this sketch idea. It's just some sort of scheduling an an era and accidentally the women get the go on the Bucks night and the men go on the Hen's night. I think, you know, I genuinely think that women would enjoy the strippers more than men do and in a healthier way.

I genuinely think that. I actually think that strippers should be for women. And they go there. And they could celebrate each other's, you know. Yeah, they go to it, they have a nice time, they're like, whoa, fuck yeah. They probably find it even hotter than guys do. And then they're also yelling encouragement. Yeah. What a great establishment that would be.

And yeah. And then I think the guys would do the art competitively. Yeah. I mean we're doing a lot of stereotyping here. I'm not. Yeah. Well that's typical man of you. Yeah. What about this Alastair? Realistic strippers. You go along to the strippers and it is just somebody taking their clothes off in the way that they would when they are getting into bed with their beloved after a you know let's say 10 years into a relationship. Mm-hmm. Okay.

And it is just all that stuff of just sort of like pulling your pants off with your legs and sort of standing on the pants to like pull your leg out of the other pants. And then standing in front of the mirror. Pulling the bra out. Yeah. And then looking at various things and sort of doing a weird squat Yeah, great, and they're only doing it to show you some moles on their back That's the the person on stage sort of they call somebody

Sort of crazed their neck around say does this look weird to you and they call somebody up from from the from from the crowd to squeeze a pimple on their back or something. Oh no, god. It sounds a bit too sexual actually. No it is not. But or. Get a blackhead out? Or maybe that's a two person act where another performer comes on and they are you know of the opposite sex and you think it's's gonna be a sex act but it's just, yeah, just doing that. But I think that you want the crowd to feel like they're the boyfriend or the girlfriend, you know? That's true, that's true! And that is not what happens in your relationship? Another man doesn't come into the bedroom and squeeze your beloved's back pimples? No, or another...

While you watch? Or another girlfriend or something like that. A former performer, which is what I consider my beloveds to be. Yes. Performance. A performer. Aren't we all... Aren't we all, eh?

Performing. I still think that the... This is my boyfriend-in-law that we had on a previous podcast very funny very funny my wife's lover my boyfriend-in-law a guy I like to consider my boyfriend-in-law I found out that she had a boyfriend or who I considered my boyfriend-in-law. I suppose that made him my boyfriend-in-law. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'll find a place to squeeze that in, Andy. I think you can put that in the stand-up set, Alastair. Yes. Like a bunch of different stand-ups together lined up. Exactly. Andy should-

All different sizes on the metric scale. The smallest joke to the largest joke. Great. I'll start with three one-liners. Well, one one-liner, one two-liner, one three-liner. Anyway. Andy, I don't know if I've said this or we've talked about this on the podcast,

but I did mention the other day to somebody, I was like the idea of somebody who dances not to the rhythm of a song but to the volume Have we started discussing that here? I feel it's vaguely familiar to me that we may have talked about that, but yeah, wow that we may have talked about that but yeah wow I dance to the it's really my dance to the volume I I'm not moving to the rhythm oh can't you just feel the the volume move pulsing through your body? Oh Every time this silence. It's like there's nothing going on. I don't want to move I've just got that volume in my hips. I Actually do I actually do have some volume in my

Yes, alice there I reckon it might be time to go to three words from a listener. Well, Andy, what's great? You actually ruined the end of the podcast earlier by mentioning Two in the Side Tank. These are one of some of the bonus episodes that we do for the Patreon supporters, but we do have Patreon supporters. I was hoping to be able to reveal that at the end of the episode. But this week we have, we still have one supporter. His name is Chase Nelson. Well as of the start of the podcast, at time of broadcast we had one.

We had one, yeah. He may have... Time of recording. He may have heard the first five minutes before we really kicked off into a great idea. The BYO hurdle rice. Now I'm ruining the other end of the podcast where I read out the sketch ideas. Anyway, Chase Nelson. How are you Chase Nelson? Great to hear from you Chase Nelson. Hello Chase Nelson, Chase Nelson. I'm chasing Nelson. Do you think that that means that he was like his ancestor was the son of somebody called now yep but I mean that's

that's that's like it because that's a you know that's like the muck or the Oh the muck in Scottish and the Oh in Irish. And that's kind of a Scandinavian thing is to put sun at the end. Nell? Is that a very Scandinavian name? Well you don't hear many of the like the Nell itself in isolation. Yeah but maybe it was an unstable surname like an unstable uh... Well, wasn't there that Jodie Foster movie Nell where she played like a mentally unstable or maybe a lady who'd grown in a cave or something like that. She was cut off from the modern world. She was a wild child who had lived her entire life with her mother in an isolated mountain cabin in North Carolina. Do you think that that's what Chase's family is named off of?

People cut off from the woods, the children of these, the children of the people who were the children of people who cut them off Suppose that would make sense if you just kept leaving. Yeah, I think that's probably it. Yep Well good to know chase Nelson no fun, please write in and let us know That's what's happened. Or maybe if it's little Nell from the old curiosity shop by what's the name? Charles Dickens. That's a bit of a waste of time for you to even bring up that possibility. Shows real contempt for the listeners that you would put that out there. But it would be interesting to watch somebody who has been maybe like re-normalized into sort of society then have a kid and sort of fight the urges to raise them like their parents raised them

which is by doing almost nothing I assume. Oh. Uh, yep. Anyway, Chase Nelson has given us three words from a listener. And I think that listener is Chase Nelson. Um, so, Andy, would you like to try to guess the first word? Um, okay, the first word is, um, powder. Not power, they're, oh, god, I almost, I almost got it in time to tell you not powder

sorry but instead you said not power yeah I know I powered I think I might have been channeling now channeling the first word is Oh god. No Andy, the first word is bazooka. Oh. Andy, look, just the fact I got something out of that whole Nell bit is incredible. Yeah, incredible. Okay. Okay, a bazooka.

Okay. Now before you guess this one, I want you to think. Bazooka, the second word is bazooka. Oh Andy, Andy no, you got the second letter right. But first and third, you're just way off. I think you got the last letter right. Yes, second and last. You're two and entailing, but but sorry Andy it's paraphernalia bazooka paraphernalia

shop not shop oh fuck so slow too slow today Andy I wanted to tell you don't say sharp, not sharp. I know Andy today it's hodgepodge. Wow! That's really, Chase, I gotta say well done. Well fucking done. These are really fantastic words that fail to inspire a single idea. But, God, they're good words. Bazooka paraphernalia. Hodgepodge. Hodgepodge. Think about this, right? You know like when you've got a really messy table, right?

And then you're like, oh, somebody's coming over, we've got to clear the table. And then you just put everything into a bag. You know, it's all that random stuff that has just been there. Sometimes it's like a bunch of pencils and a stapler and like a set of keys for the outdoor shed. And like, you know, you got a tea towel and a jumper that you're not sure who's it belongs to

because somebody left it at your house. But then you put that all in a bag. But imagine if instead you use this new system for getting rid of that stuff as you put it all into a bazooka. And you go outside. And then you fire it out over the neighborhood. At roughly 60 degrees in the air.

Oh, it's a really great idea. I mean it would be cool if maybe, I mean it would be great if it's just randomly shooting it, but what if you built a community around the tip? You know? Okay. Think about this, you're looking at houses to buy and it says, ease of access to the tip. Obviously not so close that you can smell it that much.

Right? Okay, but it's over. But you get used to it. I think that's the thing. You get used to it. That's right. You probably wouldn't smell it after a while. It's within Bazooka's shot away.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, people are really excited about having waterfront views and that kind of thing. But also, the ocean is so full of garbage these days. It practically is a tip. So let's just put that out think about that but

Yeah, but How often do you actually go in the ocean probably not as often as you create garbage? Mm-hmm okay from a purely right practical perspective right a bunch of a Suburban a housing community built around a central tip now. you don't have to face the houses towards it. We're not saying that your houses look out over the tip, but over the back fence, you know, it's sort of, yeah, it's sort of the perfect idea. You just chuck everything out over the fence like that.

You might not be in the front. What a selling point. You might not even be in the. Chucking distance to the tip. You're not even in the, you don't have to be in the front row, right? Like the front row that is up against the tip. Obviously you'd love that, but you can't. Not everybody's going to get it. And the further you are, the more powerful the launching device you

get to use to get your stuff into the tip. So that means there's no garbage trucks here. You don't have to think about when's bin night, which is one of life's nightmares. Torches. You get to go out and you get to use, you know, like if you're, let's say a house, you're like, you know, your second row of houses, you could use a bazooka. You could finish dinner, you could finish, you know, like all the stuff that you've chopped off,

all the outside skin of the pumpkin and the, you know, the beef fat that you haven't rendered, and all that kind of stuff. You could just chuck that in your bazooka, which I got to admit, this bazooka hole is filthy. You would have a filthy bazooka hole. But according to the community guidelines, you don't have to clean it because nobody from the council is coming over. Right? Yeah yeah and then you just shoot it over the house

right and you don't need to work like you don't have to those people they don't worry because they know that the people in Japan have been living for decades you know maybe even a century with North Korea shooting projectiles over their place and not one has ever landed inside of Japan, I assume. Right? Exactly. We are using that military-grade technology to ensure that you can dump your garbage, launch it with impunity. I think, you know, I mean, I naturally tend to think that the catapult is maybe even a preferable.

I think that's great. If you want to invest in that. But the bazooka, hmm. But I also think the people in the front row, they could have a really small thing. Sure, they could chuck, but they could also just have a garbage handgun right and they could just stuff things in the barrel like that you know like the plastic from you know that wraps up all the

toilet paper just shove that in the barrel and then just or like have one of those old school muskets and stuff it in with a stick tamp it down it down. Tamp it down. Tamp, tamp down garbage. Sing this song. That's the community song. Tamp down garbage. Sing this song. Garbage, garbage. Community song. The community garbage tip two miles long. Oh, you know, a lot of people move around the lake and there's these great, and this is one of the cool things, there are these great garbage mobiles. What is a lake if not a water dump? There's these great garbage mobiles.

It's like a community tip, so you're allowed to take these, they're basically just snow mobiles, but they're on tracks and they got skis on the front you could ride them over the garbage oh yes and the higher it gets the more sport you get to get out of the out of those the garbage tip I love it I love it and it's it feels somehow much more extreme than water skiing. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I mean, once it gets really high, then you can basically alpine skiing.

Yeah. And the consequences for falling off are so much more intense. That's right. But... I mean, it's actually making me feel on quite a visceral level very sick and upset to imagine Imagine being towed along At high speed by a quad bike and you're roll sliding along on your garbage skis across the surface And then then to stack it to fall down and bounce along

Mm-hmm. Oh Open field and what if you start? Oh, I really it hurts to stack it to fall down and bounce along the open field. And what if you start? Oh, really it hurts. Oh yeah. It hurts every part of my soul to think about that. What if you land on, you know, you start knocking over a bunch of stuff and then it starts to tumble after you.

Tip the lanch. And then you got to send in, you got to get a dog. A dog's got to come, big dog. It's a, it's like a, just a, like a, it's a staffy and it's got to come and it's got a, it's got a, like a, um, it's got a thing under its neck with a rum and coke in there. Yeah. I thought it was going to be a, be a bottle of death. A bottle of passion pop. Oh.ol. Bottle of Passion Pop.

Oh. All right, Alice here. I reckon we bloody did it. We bloody did it. Bazooka, Bazinga, Shop. Not Bazinga, paraphernalia. Bazooka, Bazinga, Shop. All right, Andy. Yeah, you wanna take us through the sketch ideas?

Yes, I do. It's BYO hurdle race. It could be emotional. It could be physical. But it's essentially, it almost looked like a Buster Keaton or a thing like that. The race would be, people almost want to fall. That's what you watch it for, just for the fall.

Then we got man who wants his son's kid to be a great sporting hero. And that's that's the perfect sketch and and and Everything else is pointless to listen to. Um hurdles, but for people whose life is so bad. Jesus is carrying them. And then now this is the perfect sketch. Jesus is carrying them beach Olympics. Yeah, great. Then We have the Olympics for people who don't have God helping them and then we have the scientists that's just that just work on making mind-blowing things for Neil deGrasse Tyson to say on podcasts. We got Fast Conversation drive-through. We got the company that does B bucks nights for gals and hens nights for boys

Well, what a sketch a He's like that is a good sketch Alistair that one I actually think is probably the closest to a pure sketch idea viable real business We got realistic strippers and then we got easy tip access housing community. Andy, that has taken us to the end. We are at the end. So it's come to this. Well, Andy, I'm going to miss you. And I you, Alastair.

But I still think that we probably speak more frequently than we often did when I was in Australia. It's true. And la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la or upcoming episode it should probably comes out today actually where the true creative crime podcast run by my good friend Chris Kennett and his good friend and mine Hayden Bevis and my friend they talk about yeah and projects that creative projects that never became a reality and I am on there talking about the time Australian comedy legend Steve Visard approached me and some former Law Review friends to put together a sketch show pilot and it did not end up happening and we're trying to get to the bottom of why it didn't happen and I might reveal some things some some personal insecurities that I wish

I had perhaps kept to myself, but it's okay. It's fine. I think it'll, I hope it's a good listen. Yeah. I've liked what I've seen already. The little snippets. Lovely. Little snippies.

Ah, snippet. Snippity-doos, snippity-doodahs. All right, Andy, let's wrap it up. Thank you very much for listening. And we love you. We love you. Thank you so much. We do, we love you, bye.

This is an ad by BetterHelp. What's your perfect night? Is it curling up on the couch for a cozy, peaceful night in? Therapy can feel a bit like that. Your comfort place where you replenish your energy. With BetterHelp, get matched with a therapist based on your needs, entirely online. It's convenient and suited to your schedule. Find comfort this season with BetterHelp.

Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more and save 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com.