Two In The Think Tank - 459 - "GREASE TUXEDO"

Episode Date: January 17, 2025

Pants Illustrated: https://www.instagram.com/pants.illustrated?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==Andy's appearance on "Unconventional Pathways" https://open.spotify.com/episode/13Vvnv8E0ws4mHOQV1JTLS?si=QbBr7oIySE-ESOYeruvScgAndy's appearance on Pitch Bleak on Youtube: https://youtu.be/grK7kSL_T2g?si=sVX-s1mhXx9ZhQDfThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Find your push. Find your power. Peloton has everything you need. Whenever you need it, find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at OnePeloton.ca. Gertie Bertie Bertie Gertie Bertie Bertie Gertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Bertie Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Trombley-Burchill. And Andy, I just want to say thank you so much for giving me this platform to finally speak. Well, Alistair, I thought that we just need to hear more marginalized voices like yours.

It's so nice that you were not afraid to let me spew my hatred. Well, I don't think of it as hatred so much as vile rhetoric. Yes, but spewing it out feels like it would be a healthy thing to get it out of your body. Your body's obviously objected. That's true, better out that in. You guys want him to keep his vile hatred, his putrid thoughts inside, where they can fester? Do you ever, do you ever ejaculate and then say,

mm, better out that in? Not yet, Andy. And by the way, I'm not suggesting you do this in company this is just something you can say to yourself just to have a little but little quip but if you accidentally do say it in company and no accidentally do it in company I think it probably would at least break the tension somewhat. That's exactly what I'm saying. Not as much as the tension is being broken for you. No. No.

Oh boy. That tension is positively ground to dust. I mean I would say having an orgasm is one of the great tension breakers. Mmm. And oh, and the conversation got tense and so I thought I'd break some of the tension by masturbating till And I felt much better, thank you Wow guys, I don't know about you, but I feel a lot less tense now Yeah, well you see what happened was I had a fan my family my wife's family was open It was over not open that my wife's family was over and I didn't realize and so I come out of the shower

Running into the living room where everyone was having snacks and all boy. It was tense for a second there, but then I Pleasured myself until climax and really relieved the tension. Anyway, no, it's good, Alistair. I'm happy to give you a platform always. I'm happy to, you know, I know, I know that a lot of the stuff that you think and you say isn't, isn't't isn't popular in the community, but You know, I think what you if you don't get to say you're just gonna get worse So thank you, and I don't I don't want to get worse. I want to get better

Yes, and right, but then it makes me wonder spewing hatred will and if I keep doing that over and over Will I not accidentally reach my 10,000 hours? Just through trying to get all the hatred out. Oh gosh. And then become a genius maybe, some kind of master at spewing hatred. Mmm. Well, there's only one way to find out, Alistair. And onwards.

Alright, well let me start spewing. Gentlemen, start your spewing. All right it's nice that you know that before a race they call them gentlemen. It is isn't it. Gosh that's so nice to give them the respect they deserve. When's the last time you called somebody a gentleman? Do you think that if they didn't say that they would forget to start their engines? Well, they wouldn't know who they're who's being spoken to or they would feel like they were being spoken to rudely Sure sure I mean if you didn't yeah if you don't say gentlemen there might be one but you might say guys

dudes And then there'd be one gentleman in the group thinking, well, this doesn't apply to me. Yes, of course, there's also a chance with gentlemen that you're excluding all the, you know, the rude people, the people aggressive, rude dudes. The rude dudes. Well, I mean, that's even better then because they's even better then because they won't have started their engines and they will miss out on the start of the race and they'll be punished for their rude doodery. Yes, but then is that unfair in a sport? I mean should you know or should we be making value judgments during a sport like this? Shouldn't we be giving everybody an equal opportunity?

It's like the person who's starting the race shouldn't be giving advantages to people just based on their good morals. That's true, and if there is a place for such a thing, it's certainly not a Formula One motor race. And Formula One motor races, do they really like only start their engines the moment the guy yells out? Are they going in there with a cold engine?

I believe so. I mean, maybe the rude dudes, maybe that's it. Maybe the rude dudes have already started their engines. But out of politeness, the gentlemen haven't. And so that's just been popped in there as a reminder. Thank you Andy for clarifying this thing that had been, I want to say, nagging at me for at least an aeon, a single aeon. I want to say it's been gnawing at you. I want to say that you've been driven mad. It's gonna be a version of that Jim Carrey movie, the number 23, but it's gonna be called The Phrase Gentlemen Start Your Engines. And he starts

seeing it everywhere. But he thinks it has some meaning. He's looking through the phone book and he's just going, look, there's the word the. And there's, oh wait, there's not even the word the in this sentence, okay. He finds somebody who's, oh, it's like, he finds the phone number to a place that's a gentleman's club. And then, uh, then a sort of a start motor business. Start or you know what I, you know what I say is the real gentleman's club.

A croquet mallet. The gentleman's club, the gentleman's club. Yes, of course. Yes. It's a bit of a pun, bit of a pun. The brute, the brute's club, which would be, I guess, a club sort of like. The Brutes Club, which would be I guess a club. Sort of like an old school like bumpy. You know those bumpy clubs that you see cavemen have? It's actually rare that you see like a good like a real club these days

that has that kind of texture. Nobbly. Yeah, nobly. It's hard to imagine that the nobles would would actually add that much I mean if you're already being hit by what looks like a pretty heavy club. I think a little noble on there Hmm. I don't know that that's gonna You know really What it's a percent what percentage gain are they getting out of this? Yeah, you know, I don't think it's a it's a benefit I just think really it's probably a shoddy workmanship But I think it's a texture that I would consider desirable at this stage

Yeah, right. You think that's that's that's back in do you think nobly is? It's back. Well, I just think that you know it like if you smooth it out, then it's too baseball batty. You know, if you... it just... I'm not sure if it's just natural, just branch texture or... Branch texture. Or whether it's like just the workman ship was shoddy. So do we think that the caveman is looking at that and he's thinking, well, that's smooth enough, actually. Yeah, I mean, I think the one benefit to it

would be that it seems like it probably would be easier to grip. Yeah, but often that's not the end that you're gripping, is it? You're gripping the other end, and the nobbles are on the swinging end. I know, but I assume, I think you're gripping, is it? You're gripping the other end and then the nobbles are on the swinging end. I know, but I assume, I think you're seeing nobbles, I'm seeing, in my head, I'm seeing more sort of topography,

you know, sort of long ranges of, you know, sort of, you know, pointed long lines and things like that. Maybe we're looking at a different club in our heads. I think we might be. I might have completely made up one that doesn't even exist. But then sometimes you see the clubs that have got like quite thick spikes all over them and then that seems like that that would be actually very difficult to make and maintain that those spikes are not gonna, you know, they'll be breaking off all the time.

If this club is for real use and not for, you know, not for just decoration, you know, it's not just a status symbol as it is, I believe, for so many cavemen who wouldn't even know how to swing that club in a situation they just want to look cool. Yeah they wouldn't have had the training and probably don't have the muscle mass to be able to swing a club you know effectively like that and then get it back up to defend themselves you know after a swing like that. I actually sleep with a big spiky club Under my pillow in case a caveman breaks in and and needs a weapon to kill me with Yeah, well I sleep I actually sleep with a secondary one Just hanging on the the bedroom on the outside of the bedroom dogs so that it's fair

I would never club an So that it's fair. I would never club an Be that's that's a very that's very hospitable of you Andy. Hmm, but now I suppose now that you live closer to Civilization you'd be using sort of something a bit more civilized, you know, maybe a saber or a Handgun or something like that. You may be right. Poison. That's a real gentleman's weapon.

Yeah. I mean, it would be cool. Like, I mean, I would be not that against, you know, like if they said, okay, like, you know, America America you can't do guns anymore but you can keep the gun okay no you can keep the guns but bullets are now illegal but you can do those blow darts that they used to tranquilize animals you know I really like that idea yeah yeah I think so actually that is good like it guns guns are still okay. That's the important thing. But it isn't about gun control. Who said it? I didn't say I want if anything I

want more people to have guns. And no bullets. It's really not even bullet control because you'll still be allowed to have a type of bullet. You know? And so like so you'll still have the right to You know, and so like so you'll still have the right to to to arms or whatever that second amendment is You know And you'll still be able to you'll still have freedom to speak about you know How much you love guns and everything like that. We're not taking that away No, you won't have to change any of your like your merchandise or anything Because you never see the bullet on the merch. You just see the gun. That's right All that merch that you're selling all

all your letterheads they'll still be valid yeah that's right that's right and and as long as you don't you haven't said like kill bullets you know you haven't put that in any of your letterheads like and they're and they're killing bullets yeah because usually they try to go about, they try to get, they kind of just brush over that part and the bullets that kill, you know. You'll still be able to hunt animals with it. You know? Yeah. I think that what you'll do is you'll just tranquilize the animal and then I guess you'll just stomp on its head or something like that, you know? Yeah, or eat it alive while it's sleeping. Eat it alive. It's still

beating hard. Oh yes, well it'll be, there's nothing fresher. Nothing fresher than eating a live animal. So that's good. Yeah. I mean, cook it alive. Sure, why not? The only thing fresher, the only thing fresher Andy, I don't know why, but then eating a still living animal would be an animal mid-run. Wow. If you could sort of eat an animal like... On the hoof. And prepare... Still on the hoof.

Upright. Because you know, some people love a fresh fish. You know, they want, they're like, is the fish fresh? Well, you know who eats some people Not Al he does he's not one of those fresh fish Well, you know why? because apparently I've seen I've seen a Bourdain thing where he's talking to people and they're like you actually don't want to eat fresh fish fresh fish is

the is Flavorless you want fish that's that's been out a little bit so that it gains a bit of flavor. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I can believe it, but it also feels like we're playing a dangerous game there. Andy, no food is without risk. No food is without risk. You could take big bites of whatever you want, you know?

But if you want it to have flavor, sometimes it's got to age a little. You're absolutely right. Okay, I've only written down one thing so far, so we've got to- You're kidding! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no, wait, wait, I didn't write down tranquilizer tranquilizers. Yeah well that's good okay and it's nice to have a positive message you know no stop don't that's you know it's all very negative but if it's like more tranquilizer pellets or whatever. Yes you you can shoot with these. Yeah let's see that's a beautiful political slogan don't let them take away your guns let them take let them take swap out their

consciousness away from themselves with a dart in their arm that's really great great take their consciousness away what about this strangling yeah right people go something about just people with really long arms right are we breeding people with really long arms to be able to strangle people from greater and greater distances away for military purposes or building Mr. Tickle from those books yeah yeah but as a as a killer as a as a oh my god at night time mr. Strangle maybe you know there's always a dark side to these characters. Mmm. I mean these... Yeah, look. Okay, so wait. So you're talking about an arms race of some sort.

I guess I am, Alastair. But it's a strangling... But with actual arms. But it's a strangle-based... It's an entirely strangle based art form. But you can't use anything other than your hands to actually do the strangling. Yeah, of course, au natural as God intended. But it's also one of those games where you are allowed to, you know, you are allowed to enhance yourself.

So if you want to get arm extensions. Yeah. I mean, really long arms like that, God, that'd be creepy. Like are they as, you know, I like the idea that they come into the room and then they just keep going, you know? Those are almost like, they're snake body arms.

You know, long- Are long flexible all the way down or they still just have your standard elbow in the middle Well, if you're going the mr. Tickle, I think you have to go a vertebrae and a lot of muscle Yeah, is that is that the is that what you reckon is happening in mr. In mr. Tickle that there is that is a kind of vertebrae. He has an arm multiple joints. Yeah. I've never thought about his skeletal structure. Yeah. Well and then is his body as it as with all the Mr. Men is his body all skull like? Oh because of um. Because they don't have it like a torso. It's got that gelatinous outer stuff under the skin because you know they all kind have a like a gelatina. It's got that gelatinous outer stuff under the skin Because you know they all kind of look like they're pretty gelatinous Yeah, yeah, but that

But yeah, I guess I assumed mr. Tickle was sort of fluid filled tubes And they're closer to it an octopus is tentacle, but I do like your idea that it's yeah Well, I guess his body then would just be there to hold the fluid They're closer to it an octopus is tentacle, but I do like your idea that it's yeah Well, I guess his body then would just be there to hold the fluid Mmm. Yeah, yeah to pump it out. Yeah, and so he has a freaking big heart inside of a giant skull with two vertebrae Like I heard a break chains coming out the sides.

Regular legs. I think this is a, mm. Yep, hit me. I think this is a book. I think this is a book. I think we need to release a misdemean internal, you know, muscular skeletal organ structure. Under the skin, misdemean, the biology of misdemean,

is what we'll call it. Okay, yeah. I wonder how long, when that was, because it feels like those books are as old as time, but it probably was just released in the 70s or 80s, wasn't it? I think they were the second book after the Bible. Yeah, so they were Homer, they were.

Homer, written by Homer. Yeah written by Homer illustrated by Paul Yeah, that's right Alistair before the podcast you asked the question yeah What's the belief system behind cemeteries? Yeah. Do you want to expand on that? Because you see a lot of crosses. You know, you see, and sometimes cemeteries are separated into, you know, into religious groups and stuff like that. So there's definitely, but which is it?

Are they in the ground or are they in heaven? Yeah, yeah, totally. And if we do want them to get to heaven, which is definitely up, and we don't want them to go to hell, which is definitely down, why are we giving them this sort of handicap? You know? Is it, and is that what it is?

Like you're like the good of the person, like in some kind of race where somebody starts behind, right, is it the good of the person, the deeper deeper you bury them because you know that they're gonna they could overcome it. Yeah Yeah, so I think that's good. Yeah, because and also do you think maybe there's a chance that Because you know they got crosses on these on these tombstones. Is it just is it just religious merch? That actually was not needed Yeah, was just but they were like, how can we sell more stuff? Well, I mean if you look at it the right way that little cross that's an X marks the spot

Mmm, and I mean I suppose you're you're a playing with fire a little bit there cuz the last thing I mean you're putting these People in there going to all this effort to bury them, putting them in a wooden box, the last thing you want is a bloody pirate to come stumbling into the cemetery and think he has struck pay dirt. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And he will, that's right,

because the first thing he would do is, yeah, he would get down there and find a box and be like, you're Eureka! Yeah. This is a pirate that used to be an old timey prospector. And before that he was Archimedes, the Greek philosopher. That's right. He was having a bath.

After having spent a long time digging for gold and he had a bath he had that amazing thought about buoyancy and how water and then he ran and to a ship and then became a pirate and then went looking for treasure and then found this cemetery and started and he found saw the Exactly. The Archimedes story. Yeah, I mean, the cemetery near me, right, there's one just at the end of the road and I walk around it because I'm pretty dark and I'm amazed by so this is, you know, this is Ballarat. These are are we're talking 200 years sort of of cemetery time okay if that and to the brim well it's pretty full but what I'm amazed by is like there's a lot of those graves where they've put a big metal a big stone slab over them right you know those kinds of ones yeah yeah look like

they can open it up well I want to know what that's doing like why is that there is that just a looks thing or is it genuinely a don't dig me up right I'm putting a big stone slab here yeah but it's also there to stop them from getting out but well that's I assume so yeah but then so many of these big stone slabs are just like cracked in the middle. Right? And so many of these massive headstones have fallen over and I'm just like in 200 years what's cracking these fucking mausoleum slabs or whatever they are? Yeah. Like what's happened? This is a slab of stone. I presume it's put there to endure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I guess it could just be people walking on there, maybe. But it could also just be, you know, they don't just make stone like they used to. Yeah. You know, like I think a lot, well some of that stuff is just concrete though, right? Not in these ones. No? No, these are proper... Genuinely just like cut from a quarry. Yeah, I reckon. Yeah, for sure. Big stone slabs.

And it certainly makes the whole thing look a lot creepier when you've got these shattered stone slabs over graves So the graves because you're your first thought naturally is that something's trying to get out Right pounding on the rock. Yeah Anyway, so just don't do that to me when I die, maybe the tombstone is like an intercom And if you go stand then it keeps you gets you in contact with the person in heaven. Yeah because that's the other thing that the cross looks like is a bit of an antenna. That's right and you got the stone and got their name written down there it's kind of just like basic magic you just go you crouch before it you say I miss you mm-hmm, and then you hear a little voice going. Thank you

Hmm Is that Adam Sadler? I miss you, too. I've gone back to school my son I've gone back to school my son. I'll stare. But is there a sketch? Is there a sketch in the in those things? I guess we got the... Yeah, well we got the pirate. Archimedes.

I'm not saying that is Yeah, you've got the Archimedes. Arrrrchimedes. I'm not saying that is the idea, but... No. I mean, I guess you could have somebody going to a stone mason to talk about what they want for their headstone and what they grave... Sorry, I need to cough. Yeah. headstone and what their grave sorry I need to cough and and you know that one of the options is a big slab of stone that is sort of cracked down the middle so it looks like you're trying to get out or one that you know maybe a whole

range of sort of trick trick grave stuff that you can have installed to generally sort of freak out your family No, yeah, we're just like, you know, like a lot of a lot of these things don't get visited anymore mmm, and you're trying to You know, you're trying to I'm desperately trying to be remembered and so you get a big elaborate tombstone sort of Interactive kind of mausoleum type thing. Yeah, that brings in the crowds. It brings the crowds back to cemeteries mmm Bring him back. Yes, you know, that's exciting you got a like a price of admission for your

for your tombstone. Mm-hmm and Yeah, you know and then that helps Generate revenue revenue for your family your estate. Mm-hmm and to keep that that grave looking nice. Oh Yeah, but you know what? I think I think that probably a lot of cemetery runners They wouldn't let you do that. They wouldn't let you have a cool thing. Well, that's what's going to be different about our cemetery. Mmm, Stone This is a fun cemetery. A lot of the gravestones do have some cool,

little spooky stuff rigged up where they're cracking open and skeleton hands are coming out of the ground. You know, that's just standard. You know, that's just basic. I like a Halloween-themed cemetery. Yeah. Oh, that's great. But it's a real cemetery but it's

got a lot of like yeah yeah you gotta pay to come and see grandma and grandpa mm-hmm in this one like it's just you know it's just five bucks. Oh the kids and the kids are begging to the kids are we begging to go. You gotta dress up. Yep. Yep. You know? All in black. We got people who, you know, all the grave diggers and stuff they dress up as like corpses that have come out. And we got a lot of grave diggers. We have a lot of grave diggers. Well people will want to, will want to like do it, we'll have multi-tier graves so it'll be like apartment buildings of graves where we don't just go one down. Oh okay interesting. And you know what would be cool? A tunnel underneath so that you can see the coffins in there with glass like an aquarium. So you could look in.

You can see stuff like you can see if the bugs have finally got into that. Oh, this is really giving me some problems right now. Yeah. This is another one is we also and yes, we do do cremations as well. We believe that's good. But all our coffins are rigged up so that there's a sort of a banging sound and a scream,

let me out, just before they go into the fire. That's right, yeah, really. They're like those fun bungee places where they tell you that they forgot to hook up the thing right before they push you off or whatever. Yeah, now actually we do get the, we get the soon to be deceased, the loved one, we get them in if possible, we get them in before they die and have them record some of those phrases, those key, let me out, I'm still alive phrases, real screams, actually what we do is we get them in and we actually do we do it for it you know we do put them in a coffin and tell them we're gonna put

them in there burn them alive just to get that realism and then of course we don't yeah we wait that's really good that's that's yeah get the panic in their eyes mmm yeah like yeah show them wake get a video of them like from inside the coffin, making it look like they wake up. For some reason. Oh, that's really good. For some reason we got a video inside the coffin. Yeah, we got cameras out during the burning so that people can watch their loved one burn. Oh, fuck. watch their loved one burn. Oh, fuck.

No, but this is a modern, this is a modern cemetery. We're keeping up with the times. It's essentially like one of those like cool churches where there's lots of people, but like, you know, like lots, and there's bands and stuff like that, but there's less respect. You know, we think that death is treated

with too much respect Mm-hmm, and this is for like when like you know People with problems die, you know what I mean people who are Like cool people Yes That's right. Yeah, like and it and it is like, you know, it's now you're living. You know, now you're, this is, here we go.

You know what they say before they, before they like embalm your person or whatever like that or they, like, you know, when they take this, like, even the people who like prepare the bodies are cool. I know this is more of a funeral- parlor thing, but we got it all inclusive I've got an all-inclusive package and they go I'm gonna drain the main vein and then they drain the blood And they actually do do it they pretend like and but they maybe they make it look like the bloods all coming out of the penis or something out of the penis or something. I'm not sure. Oh, that'd be really great as well. So you get the double meaning in there.

Does it spray all over the room or something like that? Yeah, sprays all over the room. You spray, yeah, you spray the family and stuff like that. It's like one of those whale shows there with the big ones. Oh no, we got a gusher! Oh, we got a gusher. Oh Wonder if it's just urine No, it's not it's blood. I

Should have guessed from the color. Oh, this one was this one must have been a squirter. That's his joke every time. Oh It's a really good joke But fun cemetery that was I guess start my own cemetery is a great idea, you know You know what I've got a feeling this would actually be better like genuinely this would help people to grieve more effectively. Yeah and deal with death and stuff like that. I think we'd have a healthier relationship with death. In fact I think we'd look forward to it and we'd look forward to people we love dying as well. We'd be excited and that's how it should be. We should be excited for them to die. We can't wait. Instead of this oh no I don't want you to die. Yeah It's gonna be so good when you die

Yeah, it's gonna be so good I think that old idea that we had where we we have them we make a candle from their old fat or whatever like that After of our loved ones, you know, yes, we make candles out of that way you can Just have a melted down into a candle I think that'll be good. Cause then you can burn them every day whenever you want. Until they run out. Yeah.

And then, well, just fingers crossed someone else you love dies. And then you could make them into also birthday candles so they drip all over your birthday. Oh, yep. So every time you have a birthday, you're eating your sort of ancestors. Yeah, great.

And ancestors. If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has

everything you need. Whenever you need it, find your push, find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at OnePeloton.ca. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at OnePeloton.ca. Yep. And sisters and brothers. Ah, yeah, yeah. This has been, because I've literally been going through like old, what you could loosely

called one liners from those times when, and I just have like, I'm trying to order them, and some of them are like actual one-liners, and then some of them are ones that just say, probably too stupid one-liners. And so I've got things like blue cheese, a moldy but a goody. You know? I've got things like, come on, man, I've got kids to feed to a lion. You know, things that could have a place somewhere, Come on man, I've got kids to feed to a lion.

You know, things that could have a place somewhere. But unlikely. I mean, that is the thing that people say is, I've got mouths to feed, but then you go back to their house and it is just mouths. Yeah, that would be good. There's no child, just like in their basement, I guess they've just got a lot of mouths. Once upon a time. Connected up to tubes. Oh that is good.

Yeah mouths to feed guy. Just keep the mouth alive. We couldn't afford to keep your whole head. That would be a great thing for our cemetery to do if they if they find a way to just keep the mouth alive. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But we might be able to save their mouth. You know, oh. Ah, you know, your loved one is dying, but we think... So he'll be able to talk? No, but we will be able to blow air through it, and it will sort of make a groaning sound.

But you will be able to feed it. Oh, he loved to groan. You will have to feed it to keep it alive. Yeah. Yeah, that's the sound. Uhhhh. Oh, grandma's talking. I have here the recruiter.

The recruiter 2. This time it's personnel. That's really good. This is a really stupid one here. Recruiter the recruiter to this time. It's personnel This is a really stupid one here once upon a time a female dog gave birth to me But I won't bore you with my sob story Here we go, yeah I'm lactose intelligible. I can eat lactose and people understand me when I explain that to them. That's in the probably too stupid one. No, take it out, put it straight back into the genuine proper top tier.

But see, now, Alice, this is more fun, obviously, to read out the probably too stupid ones. But now that puts a lot of pressure on the main vein ones that now you would dare read one of those out because then that reveals to us what you think is actually truly good. Yeah, I know, that's the scary thing isn't it? Yeah, I guess there is this one which is, it's a shame Muddy Waters died before he could clear his name. Yeah, I mean that's this one which is it's a shame muddy waters died before he could clear his name yeah I mean that's a that's incredible that's a classic it's a proper I just I had this idea the reason why I'm collecting it because I had this idea for a comedy special which is called like which is

called wait let me see if I can get the word up I think it's it's not even worth doing this, but it's called reading one-liners off a sheet, right? And then I just stand there for however long, and then I just read it with no timing whatsoever. I just keep going and don't stop. Yeah. Because I'm not waiting for laughter.

I just continue going. And then the hope that you could, if there's any laughter, you might be able to get some Rolling laughter for that all out of sync, you know Yeah Rolling laughter that sort of spirals and spins out of control the flywheel effect Yeah, some kind of flywheel style of comedy flywheel style of comedy.

I like it. Andy, what do you think about being, do you currently feel like just like a cog in the machine? Yeah, I do. Yeah? Yep. Yep. Oh no. Oh no. I was hoping you'd say no. Well, I'm a cog in several machines

and I like being in some of the machines, but I definitely feel like a cog in some. Sometimes I feel like a bigger cog and sometimes I feel like a smaller cog, but I'm a cog. I'm living that cog life. Well, it's because you're trying to juggle both work and life, which is really easy

because it's just two things. That's not even juggling. That's just holding. Do you think that if Snoop Dogg worked in an office, he'd be called Snoop Cog? Snoop Coggy Cog? This is a this is my corporate Snoop. He's never got into the hip hoppery and he just had a.

I think that's, you know, obviously, I think. and he just had a regular job. I think that's, you know, obviously I think... Right, I'm running it down, Andy. Snoop, Coggy, Cog. That's Cog with a double G. And Snoop with a job as well, right? Yep. For a guy who's just got into the workforce,

he is already pretty negative about the whole thing. No, no, that's just his name. Yeah, that's okay. I think he's, you know, trying to make the most of it. It occurred to me yesterday, it's weird that you brought up Snoop Dogg because I was looking up Snoop Dogg's real name because he's a junior. So his real name is Calvin Cordozor, wait, Calvin Cordozor Brodus Jr. So do you think when somebody says, hey Calvin Cordozor Brodus,

he goes, please, Calvin Cordozor Brodus is my father's name. Call me Calvin Cordozor Brodus Jr. I mean, it is maybe the greatest name already of all time. That's incredible. Incredible, and you could see why you'd be like this name can't die with me I need to have a June we need to junior this shit we need to work on getting the next yeah I mean I can understand yeah but then he then he masks it under a Snoop Dogg mmm yeah which which would be you know I guess true insulting to your, insulting

to your, insulting to the father's legacy perhaps. Yeah, I mean after all he's given us. I guess he did give us Snoop Dogg and Snoop Dogg's name, original name. Okay. So yeah, do I feel like a cog? Yes. The answer is yes. Yeah. I am fulfilling my role in the various machines in which I am enmeshed. And I guess, so, cause I guess I was saying it as a negative thing, but you're making it sound like it's a really good thing to be part of a machine that functions.

Yeah, it's pretty good. I don't mind it. I don't mind it. You know, I mean, you're at least connected as a cog. You know, you don't want to be just a loose cog. But of course you do get a little grease on you. But that does help. Yeah, I mean, little grease.

Have we already proposed grease as a new type of clothing? I'm sure we've put this out there before. Just covering yourself with grease, like a corporate, like a grease tuxedo. Have we ever seen somebody wearing a grease tuxedo? There are different- I mean, I had come, I'm not sure if we had discussed it on here or whether,

I had discussed a possible like Vaseline type grease that you could use as an alternative to having to look like anything. It kind of makes you blurry. And it would be an alternative to having to look like anything. It kind of makes you blurry. And it would be an alternative to, it would be a rejection of fashion. But of course, Greece would eventually, that's just petroleum jelly, obviously.

But of course, Greece would eventually be welcomed into the fashion industry and become just another material. And the Greece tuxedo is obviously a very good idea. There would be a white Grease and a black Grease. Yes, obviously. Yeah. A more formal Grease. A formal wearable Grehmm. I would like to know what the That fashion guy on the suit guy on Twitter would think of this. Oh

Derek guy. Yeah, Derek guy Canadian man, it's amazing how popular that account appears to be Yeah, I mean something happened after Elon came in some of the changes that he made somehow just gave this guy a platform like I think he found himself suddenly getting lots of hits. Right. And then he became gigantic and then suddenly he was like commenting on politics through the form of commenting on their hideous suits. Yeah, he's got a real, he's got a platform. He's been given a platform and he's using it. Yeah, to spew his, you know, fashion-based hatred. Now, see, this is the thing. I've never seen, now, body paint people and people who do like amazing body paint and paint bodies to look like different things and that sort

of thing I've never seen them tackle the male front genital area and I think they're all too cowardly you know though you'll see the people who do one where like you camouflage somebody into a wall or whatever with body paint. They never have to try and paint around that region. And it is because they're cowards. Those unspeakable regions. Yeah. Sure they're unspeakable. You also don't see very much, you know,

like actual like paint texture. It's always very flat, but of course painting is a very old art. And it's, you know, it's 3D a lot of the time. If you get some of that chunky paint on there, you know, some of that, was that Ben guy who does those, that Ando kind of stole the, Ben Quigley?

Oh, Quiggles. You know, Ben Quigley kind of, his portrait style has a lot of thick kind of paint like that and I think that's missing. Oh wow when I look up Ben Quigley portrait it mustn't be hit that guy's name because Ben Quigley is a Bondi rescue lifeguard anyway Quigley portrait. Okay Quigley is a Bondi rescue lifeguard anyway Quigley portrait okay no William am I wrong William Quigley thought there was a Quigley I thought there was a Quigley to quigley portrait nothing is happening like he was he was he was involved with the Bali nine guys somehow right? Yeah, I think he painted

Let's let's search Bali No Portrait has he been portrait Ben Quilty Quilty I liked Quigley. Yeah, I've lost interested in now. Yeah, I don't even care about his art or this sketch idea anymore In fact, I hate this sketch idea and maybe he actually doesn't have that many layers of paint his is more just you know, big Big sort of maybe huh? Who cares? Are there are there many portraits where they paint the back of the head on the other side of the portrait? That's an idea Andy

You know and a little bit of the side of the camera. Just that you know that side that side of the portrait is not You know that side of the canvas. It's not Zero D. You know what I mean like it's no it's not a zero I mean, like it's not a zero dimensional thing, that part. There's definitely some thickness and I think the whole side of the head should be there too. Well, you know, a lot of the time, you know, I'll be talking to someone in a gallery and they'll say something normal like,

I like the picture that's on the front side of that canvas over there. And I'll say Which front side? That canvas has they're all front sides even that little thin little edge And they'll look at me and they'll say damn you're right. I think every painting should have a side side They should show it side front and it's back front and it's other side front. Because a painting, nothing is two dimensional like that and it's

disgusting that they try. Yeah. To try to pull that swifty on us. And then I want to see a painting hung sideways, which I call front ways. Banksy would love that. Ah yes, Banksy. Cause he's all about fucking with people's heads. Yes, maybe he will, maybe he'll start doing that, you know, get off the street and back on the canvas. Well, he's done a couple of canvassy things. He did that one with that shredder in the frame, you know that one? Well, that was obviously must have been paper. the frame you know that one well that was obviously must have been paper or can you could shred a canvas four-sided canvas canvas they're all front hmm I mean a cube what about on a cube that'd be pretty good I know but that's too it

feels like that's just you know it's just like 16 just an idea yeah yeah that's just you know that yeah that's 16. It's just an idea. Yeah that's just you know that yeah that's just six sides and is it six sides that is right? When you really think about geometry if you thought like it actually is really hard on the brain. Yeah why does a cube have six sides that doesn't seem right? Yeah. Right like a square has four sides yeah right now cube has six faces yeah sorry a cube should have eight faces yeah that makes sense to me yeah and then it doesn't make any sense

geometry is really mind-bending mmm like like just even that thing of like walking around a sphere and ending up back at the same place. That's, it's genuinely trippy. And then what, like how many edges does this sphere have? 12? Is it 12? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. A sphere? Sorry, not a cube. It's got 12 edges.

Yeah. It's got 8 corners, but that doesn't interest me. I actually consider a regular cube to be a hypercube. Yeah. It's already breaking all the rules. Yeah. I wonder if you could do a show that was all 3D shapes. All criticizing the Prisms. It's criticizing all 3D shapes and how stupid they are. Oh, reform the prison system. Sorry, I thought you said reform the prism system.

I was on board then. Yep. I think prisons are fine. It's a guy who is anti-3D. And yeah, I would be for it if it made more sense. Andy, I think that we've come to have enough sketch ideas that we should go to three words from a listener. And what good sketch ideas they are, Alastair. Oh, Andy, today is a banger.

Um, what a bounty we have hauled from the mind ocean. Now these, Andy, was that a reference to, was that a reference to David Lynch who died yesterday? Oh my goodness. Um, unintentionally I did see that little clip of him talking about, I didn't think I was making a reference, but I did see that clip of him talking about catching ideas with bait, little fragments and stuff. Ideas are like fish. And if you go deep into your mind You can catch them ideas often come in fragments

Mmm. Now today's today's I loved I loved David Lynch. I haven't seen many of his films Yeah, but just as a guy. Yeah, what a great guy hearing what a cool interesting weird dude You know who just made you feel like a lot of stuff was possible yeah I absolutely feel it feel that very inspirational anyway mm-hmm today's words come from another inspirational man Stuart Mack McCone McCuinn told me last time I said McCone which I thought was how he said I had to say it he told me I

said it wrong McCuinn, probably McCuinn. I'm sure he would hate that. Beloved Twitch streamer yes Titan of Twitch I'd call him. I would call him bigger than a Titan. He's so big on Twitch. He actually has had to move to spasm. He's had to move on to full-blown fit. Seizure. He's on seizure now. Anyway, Andy, Stu has sent in three words from a listener saying, three words, thank you, and then written the three words.

Now, he hasn't clarified who, which, no. He's sending in but But I think we can live in the uncertainty and you can try and guess what the first word is Okay, the first word is Stretch He started so well, he started with the right letter. Oh, you got two letters wrong, but then your second letter is its Fourth letter. Okay, and then you got all the rest of the letters wrong. So I'm back on track. I'm back on track. Oh no, then I'll forget. The first Word is Santa's Santa's?

Okay, so the second word is brittle Santa's brittle. Oh no, no, no no no no. Hat. Oh okay. Sant. Mmm. Santa's hat. Sex. Sex. Santa's hat, sex. Andy, no. But close. Santa's hat guy. Which is a thing that has sex. Santa's hat guy. Okay. Santa's hat guy. So is this the guy that he goes to to get the hats made? Maybe, maybe it's the guy who holds his hat for him while he's not using it. Is it a guy who wears a Santa's hat? Or a guy who wears hats for Santa that Santa likes to look at?

In a perverted way. Oh wow. Yeah, gosh. I mean, the Santa's hat and the, you know, I mean, we can get away, you can, you can absolutely, you can get away with a pom pom on a beanie. But you can't really have that sort of floppy bobble thing going on anymore, Right? Like that's

no longer part of the... No and you know similarly the Jester's hat which is from a similar kind of philosophy of like yeah hats can be a bit silly, they can be floppy and bobbly. You don't think a hat can be silly, do you? I don't, I mean, I don't think people these days are willing to wear a silly hat. I think they're willing to wear a really silly hat. But I don't think they're willing to wear a historically silly hat. I don't think the hats that made them laugh back then are the same hats that make people laugh today. Right. You know?

Right. I think hat humor has changed. Yeah, okay. No, I can understand that. You know, you can picture one of those jester hat makers, yeah Struggling to to deal with the fact that tastes have changed and people don't laugh at the same hats that they used to Yeah He's still he's still making the same hats and he thinks it's because people are too woke to work exactly, right?

right. People don't laugh at my hats anymore. They say cringe about them and things like that. Trying to cancel him. Yeah, he says, oh well, I know who it's got to, whose fault this is, minorities. But then he goes to some, he can still go to some pretty grubby clubs and people will put the hats on and people will laugh at them. Yeah. Right. They just like good old fashioned hats. You know, it's like a small men's group and they still laugh at these hats every time too.

They still laugh at the same hat every time they see it. I think that we should, we should go, uh, we should, I should get one of those justice hats and start doing a routine where I'm, I'm basically saying that like we should comedy, you know, comedy hasn't changed and comedy should still be what it's always been. And I'll go out in my justice hat and I'll do jokes about Prithi, comedy hasn't changed and comedy should still be what it's always been. And I'll go out in my Jester's hat and I'll do jokes about Prithee the King has the eye of an otter.

Yeah, that's good. As a babe he suckled at the teat of his... Of an otter! Of an otter! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Frithy! Frithy, Frithy! The King's otter-like in a way that makes me uncomfortable. Thinks thou not that the king's Wife the Queen Is has the look of an otter about her Must remind him of his mother's teat So that's um, yeah, I'm gonna do that I'm gonna do that I feel really good about it I knew you're gonna start you're gonna do that. I feel really good about it. My new direction.

You're gonna go back into standup and do this? Yeah, I think so. I mean, maybe I will, or just his hat. I think that's the sort of thing that putting a justice hat on. I mean, I think it existed. I think we should bring it back. I think comedians should have to wear

one of those fucking stupid hats because that might help us with this situation with comedy being weaponized by politicians and extremist points of view. If you had to wear a fucking stupid hat with bells on it, people would be like, oh that's right we're not supposed to listen to these people. We're not supposed to take them seriously. It's not a good thing to be a comedian. You're supposed to only do it if you can't do anything else.

And I mean, we call them the fool. That was what, the fool. It was there in the name. Yeah. You're right, Andy. Look at this fucking idiot in a stupid hat. That's the job, to be a fucking idiot in a stupid hat, for people to laugh at, and then never have to look at or think about again. You're absolutely right, Andy.

You're absolutely right. Shame on you all. Now do we go back to Santa's hat guy now? Or do you think that's the idea? I mean that's definitely an idea that emerges from it. Yeah, you're right. Alright well Stu, I hope that you're happy with what you've done. And what you created. Yeah, yeah this and what you created. Yeah, this is on you mate.

Obviously I think a man that Santa has his workshop and he has his elves and things like that but then he has just a regular human like him, a non-hot human that he just has stand around wearing a hat because Santa likes it. Different hats, not Santa's hats. Sometimes it's a trilby. Sometimes it's a Mexican hat. Santa, after going out and doing all the Christmas, doing every house in the world in one night,

he comes back and he's sweaty and he's breathing heavily. Like that. And he sort of stomps and slumps his way into the kitchen of the Santa house and Mrs. Claus says, is it time? And Santa just nods. All he can do is nod. And then Mrs. Claus opens the door to a little room off the side of the kitchen. Santa goes in there, she closes the door and Mrs. Claus, she cries, right? Just a one or two little tears. Santa Claus turns on the light and in the room there is a man who puts on a series of hats and Santa just looks at him and breathes heavily. And the man puts on one hat after another and then Santa wipes his brow and he says thank you to the man. Yeah, well he starts getting, maybe he starts panting heavier and heavier. And then later on you just see, you hear a knock at the door and you see,

but this is your, we're now in the room with Mrs. Claus. You hear a knock at the door and she unlocks it. And opens it up and goes, it is done. Yeah, you know what? That is exactly what I was thinking. Oh, I thought she would say, is it done? And he says, it's done. It is, it is done.

I mean, I feel David Lynch should be happy with that idea. Yeah, and then she picks up a mop and bucket and then she goes in and closes the door behind her. No, that's too much. It's too much. It's too much, Andy. Maybe a pig runs out. A pig runs out of the room. Maybe. A pig and a duck. There you go. Andy, Andy, let's wrap it up and take us to the sketch ideas. We have relieving the tension in the room by masturbating to climax. I don't know about anybody else, but it feels a lot less tense.

I'm a lot less tense. We have tranquilizer joints. I was tense before and I'm not and I assume everybody else is also saying that. Tranquilizer darts for American guns. We've got the Mr. Men internal muscular skeletal system in the biology of Mr. Men book. We have the former prospector Archimedes, the pirate, digging at the X of a cemetery and yelling Eureka. We have a cool tomb, fun cemetery, new fun cemetery, underground tunnels to see everything that's cool.

We've got mouths to feed guy, it's just mouths. We've got Snoop Coggy Cog, Snoop with a jaw. We've got the Greased Tuxedo. We've got theop Coggy Cog, Snoop with a Jaw. We've got the Greased Tuxedo. We've got the Four-Sided Canvas, but they're all front. We've got Reform the Prism System. This is a full show on prisms and 3D objects. We have Hat Humor Has Changed for the Hat Makers, the Hat Makers' Struggle. 3d objects we have hat humor has changed For the hat makers the hat makers struggle and we have the man Santa keeps around to wear hats

Mmm. There we go I'm really happy with that last idea. Yeah another beautiful episode. Yeah. Yeah Alice they're well done. Yes, you I'd say you dragged us over the line there, mate I don't know Andy, but here we go. Frip-frap-frip-frap Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh my goodness Do you have anything to plug? I just go check out who knew it with Matt Stewart he he had a recent episode with Stu Goldsmith and oh It's such a great episode. Yeah, and it's just that you know, it's just a great format and a great podcast and I've realized recently that One of the things that I've always loved about the idea of success, right,

was the fact that you get this permission to play in these kind of adult sandboxes where people make shows where you can go and play and you can be silly and things like that. And it occurred to me that the smart people just create those sandboxes for themselves. And I feel like that's what Matt Stewart has done with a show like Who Knew It with Matt Stewart

absolutely completely agree good on him yeah and so he's created success has come and has filled that box success has come and filled that box Andy with Stuart Goldsmith. And the others. That's it. Do you have anything to plug? No, no, no. I thought you were going to plug we. No. And we love you.

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