Two In The Think Tank - 46 - "PUNK DOCTOR"

Episode Date: September 25, 2015

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Do-zee-jo-zee-do-zee-jo-zee-do-zee-ka-chaka-zee-ka-do-ka-zee-ka-chaka-zee-ka-do-ka-zee-ka-chaka-zee-ka-do-ka-zee-ka-chaka-zee-ka-booga-zee-ka-chaka-zee-ka-booga-zee-ka-booga-zee-ka-booga-zee-ka-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga- to the show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. It's Two in the Think Tank. Yeah. Thanks for tuning in to Two in the Think Tank Radio, part of the Two in the Think Tank Radio Network. Network, thank you. Broadcasting in all major cities across all major continents. Yep, you can donate. In this and every other known universe. Going to a website that sponsors us and putting the extension code 2inathingtank. Tonight we're being

sponsored by the 2inathingtank network. So if you go www.2inathingtank.com slash 2inathingtank you will get a bonus episode free of 2inathingtank. Just by entering the code

2in the Think Tank. Just by entering the code 2 in the Think Tank. Now, unfortunately, 2 in the Think Tank was already taken by another program. That's something that we'll be dealing with with our marketing team. We don't know how that happened. Anyway, but

2 in the Think Tonk, that's us. Yeah. And it's Tonk with a C as well. Yeah, T-O-N-C. I think that was good, Andy. Welcome to the show. Thank you, Alistair.

Thanks for having me into the podcasting booth. Hey, no problem at all. Andy, I've noticed you've been wearing fingerless gloves. Has it felt like a bold move? I don't know. I kind of like it. Yeah. It doesn't slow me down, none.

That's what I like. It doesn't slow me down, none. So it lets you keep your stride. Yeah. Nothing breaks your stride, right, you would say? No. I would say that, but that's, I mean, that would be probably in a different would say? No I would say that But that's I mean, that would be probably in a different context

Well, I mean, I guess Nothing breaks my swipe Like, I could still use my iPhone Unfettered So with regular full-fingered gloves You can't use it? Unencumbered I've never actually tried to use an iPhone

With gloves on yet Yeah, it's difficult And it's also not a situation that Here in Australia we encounter as much, right? No, but it has been a cold winter. It's been quite chilly. There's been some near sub-zero temperatures. There's been a chill in the air.

Absolutely. Is there a sketch in that? I think from now on we're going to employ a... I'm going to put the call out on social media I'm going to try and find someone who can come in as the third person on the podcast a producer

now we can handle most of the things I can do the levels with a little bit of ability and there's not much editing involved but I just want to have a third person who can just periodically chip in with, is there a sketch in that, just to keep us on track. Yeah, because sometimes we wonder if there is,

and then we realize there isn't after 25 minutes if there's no sketch in there. But also sometimes we think that it's really bad, and then it turns out maybe it's not as bad as we think. Fingerless gloves are good, but when I was buying them, I thought I would be able to buy them for less than you would expect to spend on a regular pair of gloves. But it turned out they were more expensive. Really? Certainly this pair. That's very interesting. I imagine people were as shocked that fingerless gloves were getting sold when they first came out

as people were when people started bottling and selling water. Right. Like, as in, you can charge people money for that? Yeah, well, because you go, Well, I mean, obviously the whole reason that you've got gloves is to warm your fingers. I mean, no one's like, I've got a cold palm. Obviously, the whole reason you've got water is to not have it in a bottle. You've got water for free at home.

Right. I feel like a very different concept. You do? Well, okay, maybe a better example would have been like, you know, the scandal of the miniskirt. You know? What was the scandal about that? Well, when women started wearing miniskirts, you could see their knees. Now, look at me. You can see

my knuckles. Yeah, Andy, nobody ever wanted to see your knuckles. Nobody was ever scandalized when they could. You can normally... When you said you were buying gloves, I was very excited that you were finally going to cover those hideous, bony knuckles. Hey, Alistair, do you want to feel the back of my hand?

No. Why? Oh, it's real soft. It's real soft, isn't it? It's because these gloves are merino and possum. Really? That's probably why they were so expensive. Yeah, well, it's because you're spending big on the luxury items there. Yeah, on the animal fibres.

I think... I wasn't saying that those two things were in parallel. I was saying people were shocked when people started selling bottled water. Or you were just giving me an example of the concept of shock, in case I didn't know what you were talking about. Of shock in terms of new products.

Yeah, alright. Yeah, alright. It is strange to think back to a time when things that, you know, like now when a product comes in, something like a selfie stick, right?

Everybody jumps on board and gives it shit, right? But it's also very popular and lots of people use it. And like there are probably so many products that we use now today that when they came in, you know, even 50, 100 or even 200 years ago, Alistair, people at the time were mocking them. Well, I think maybe you could do a stand-up comedian through the ages who's the one who gives these new products shit. Really good. Yeah, definitely. And so they got this...

They got this fingerless gloves now. You heard of this? Hast thou heard of this? Hast thou heard of this? Do you think maybe fingerless gloves aren't, in this case, the best example? I think the fingerless gloves are the best example. That's locked in. That is locked in. I was thinking things like maybe saddles for horses. So they've got these saddles now on horses. Have you seen this?

Apparently some people were falling off the horse. What's to fall off? Oh, so what are you going to do? Not fall off the horse now? Yeah, good luck. Yeah, I don't know the joke.

The saddle's going to... What's to stop the saddle from falling off? Because you always, when you're doing this kind of comedy, you always ignore inconvenient facts that go against you, like the fact that there's a big strap that goes under the horse to keep the saddle on. Of course, yeah. Well, I think that's good.

Yeah, so at the moment I've got it written down as stand-up comedian through the ages, making fun of new products. That's a really accurate description of the sketch we've just described, Alistair. Well done. Thank you very much, Andy. That's all thanks to your fingerless gloves. Thank you, fingerless gloves. In their time, it would have been a real mockery.

I mean, really. They solved a problem that nobody had. These are, from my point of view, these are really finger-full gloves. Really, why? Well, you can see my fingers. Oh, yeah. So you think fingerless gloves are like mittens. These are actually more, I'm more in like a gloveless finger situation than a fingerless glove situation.

Gloveless finger. Well, you're a gloveless finger situation than a fingerless glove situation. Gloveless finger. Well, you're a gloveless finger. My fingers remain ungloved. Yeah, that's true. Ungloved and unloved. You know... Ungloved. You should write to the fingerless glove people and let them know that they're actually gloveless fingers.

In my car, I now refer to the glove box as the fingerless glove box. Except for when you're getting out something from the glove box. No, even then. I say, can you just reach into the fingerless glove box? No, but when somebody's got their fingers in there, you're going, get your fingers out of the fingerless glove box? Is that what you're saying? Yep.

Thank you. Because, I mean, there are times, you know, it's not an eternally fingerless glove box. Like the way that the sun is entirely fingerless for the duration of its existence. One of the problems with the fingerless gloves is that you get cocky, right? And then I think I can do things that like I would do them with bare hands. Yeah. You know, like picking up food and that sort of thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a, let's say like a bit of cheesecake? That's a perfect example, right? Because, you know, with bare hands, you'd be like, I can go in there, I can pick up this cheesecake. There's not going to be an issue. With gloves on, you'd be like,

oh, I've got to take off my gloves to pick up this cheesecake. There's no way I'm going to get an issue. With gloves on, you'd be like, I've got to take off my gloves to pick up this cheesecake. There's no way I'm going to get cheesecake all over my gloves. With fingerless gloves, you're like, I can pick up this cheesecake. Yeah, you think you can. When have I ever picked up cheesecake and got cheesecake on my palms? Turns out, probably quite often. But you don't notice because you can brush it off.

Because it's a very easily cleaning surface. I've been winding. Yeah, exactly. Hands, skin is like the Teflon of the body. No, surprisingly little stuff sticks to it. Yeah, I find even like a lot of bandages that are made for sticking to the body don't stick to my body.

Don't stick to it, yeah. Now, is that a problem with the manufacturers or do I have a sort of superpower where I stop... I've I'm basically you can't stick things to me I'm gonna say it's the superpower one because that's just a better universe to live in

that's true Andy you're a glass half superpowered I was gonna write down a sketch idea but we didn't have one alright how about I was going to write down a sketch idea but we didn't have one alright how about what were we talking about though just then

before the fingerless gloves thing getting shit on their gloves do you think there's a sketch in the idea of somebody who is do you think that there's what about a surgeon who has fingerless surgical gloves because he's a... What about a surgeon who has fingerless surgical gloves? Because he's a bit of a punk.

So, is it just punk doctor? That's the idea first, and then... Punk doctor. And then the fingerless surgical gloves is kind of just like a joke in it? Yeah, that's a good joke in it. Punk doctor.

It's a good aspect of his personality. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Right? Actually, I'm surprised that House MD didn't have fingerless surgical gloves because he was a bit of a rebel He was a rebel, you know

I'm surprised he didn't have studded fingerless surgical gloves He was a bit of a rebel but he wasn't really much of a rebel, like in any other context he would have been considered very mild-mannered but it was just because he put himself in this position of being

a high-powered doctor with a lot of responsibility that suddenly his personality quirks seemed to be quite extreme. Absolutely. And I think the fact that he was also English might have made it more interesting. But he spoke with an American accent. No, I know, but he was like, the guy who played him was English.

And I think that adds some complexity to it. It does. You know, that he's hiding who he really is. Every time you watch the episode, you're like, oh, he's doing such a good job of pretending not to be English. Do you know how many of the actors in The Wire are actually English? Seven. No, but, like, do you know which ones? Yeah.

Like, McNulty? Yep. Idris which ones? Yeah. Like McNulty? Yep. Idris Elba? Yeah, Stringer Bell? Stringer Bell. The guy who plays the mayor? Yep. All right, well, you know then.

When I said seven, I was joking. Well, there probably were at least seven. Probably at least seven. What's the thing oh okay so so with this fingerless gloves right i've come to because i get food on them a lot because i get cocky i've come to a a conclusion that i realized i have for all items of clothing yeah right when it comes to getting food on it. If it's wet, rub it in. If it's sticky, I mean, if it's dry, scratch it off. That's my policy.

So if it's wet, rub it in. Rub it in. It'll be fine. Yeah. And you can rub a surprisingly large amount of food into your pants. If you rub it in properly... It's unnoticeable. Remember that?

Before the pants become saturated with food, people start to notice. If it's dry, you can generally scratch it off. Do you think there's a life hack kind of sketch in that? Yeah, I think so. Because I think you could do that as on the... Let's see. As like a thing to, you know,

the... Yeah, it is a life hack. It's for, you know, situations where you can't or don't want to wash your clothes properly. Yeah. Simple man, fingernail,

minimalist. Maybe it's tips for looking good after the... Spilling food on yourself. No, after a divorce. Or like post-divorce life. Just a range of things that you can do to make it look like... You're doing okay. You're doing okay. You're keeping it together.

Yeah. So that involves... Okay, so if it's... That's spilling food on yourself? If it's wet, rub it in. If it's dry, scratch it off. What about, like, sort of bull-clipping back some of your fat as a way of, like, making it look like you got a tighter bod? You know?

Do you think, because you know when you, like, you pinch a roll of fat? In a way, that is taking away some of that fat from the other areas. So, you know, while that awful fat roll looks horrible... That protrudes. Yeah. The rest of your body looks way better. But maybe you could, like, paint that bulge to make it look like a satchel that you're carrying

over your shoulder. Yes. Clip a strap to it. Or, like, saddlebags. Paint it brown. Turn your saddlebags into saddlebags. People won't notice a thing. Paint it brown. People your saddlebags into saddlebags. People won't notice a thing. Paint it brown. People just think you're sitting on an actual saddle. We're bringing it back to saddles.

But I like the satchel a lot. Paint the satchel brown. Have it cut out of the area in your shirt so it comes out and it looks like it's hanging there. Put a little gold button on it. Yeah. That's a great idea. Stick it on. It wouldn't work for you because you have non-sticky skin.

People will think, that guy was recently divorced, but he is doing very well. Have you seen that satchel? Is that Louis Vuitton? What kind of leather is that? Like an actual living skin. Can you just write the words fat roll satchel down on there? Yeah, of course. Fat roll satchel, of course, one of my favorite early jazz pianists.

Fat roll satchel. You're listening to fat roll satchel. Worst piano ever. When my wife comes in the kitchen And my kids are in the yard And my boss is telling me You've got to work so goddamn hard Well, I go back to my kitchen and I tell that

wife to leave and I send my children out to work instead of me that was Fat Roll Satchel is that good?

is that good? Is that good? Is that good? Is that good? Let's never ask that. Never ask that. Never ask that. You don't want to know. Yeah, I know. But I was asking because of what I was doing.

Because I knew that that would be a funny thing if you had the opportunity to spend some time paying attention to the my part in there you were you were doing australians all let us rejoice yeah but i you know i worked my way into that you found your way into it i mean i was soloing as a you know as a horn player for a while there and then i just went into australians all this let us rejoice is that the name that the title of the song? No, Advanced Australia Fair. Oh, really?

Yeah. It's the name of the national anthem. I didn't know that. I didn't know the name of the national anthem of the country I live in. Oh, you were joking. Yeah, yeah. Well, I don't know.

It took me a second to get my thoughts together. That's all right. You know, you're in a bad place right now, mentally and emotionally and physically. What other realms are there? Philosophically? Philosophically. Ethically? Ethically.

Like, you're in a bad place as a consumer oh economically yeah economically as well and also as a consumer consumers you know that only consume things that they've bought but they also consume things that are just around them what about a shop that only sells cleaning products that help you clean your other cleaning products? Have you noticed that the thing, the little tub that the toilet brush sits in, gets filthy? Yeah. I wish there was some way I could clean that. But actually I find that the toilet brush itself isn't very good for it. And so I feel like I need a second brush.

So like a toilet brush brush? Toilet brush holder brush that I could use to for it. And so I feel like I need a second brush. So like a toilet brush brush. Toilet brush holder brush that I could use to clean it. I think that people just have to let it go with that. There's got to be like a point. I mean, the worst thing, almost one of the worst things in the world is the water that collects at the bottom. I know. That's what I'm thinking about. I mean, there is no worse place to be in the world and to be in a place where that bowl is partially full

like i mean i've never been in a situation where i've had to empty that why do you think that is al right no no as in like, I've never, I don't feel like I've lived in a place where that has been partially full. I've seen it. I've been to places where it's been like that. And look, and I understand I don't do enough for my chores, but I'm much better now that we don't live together. Oh, great. I'm starting to feel like maybe you were standing in my way. You see the way I'm at

I very possibly was you see I managed to somehow make it not about me yeah but yeah because where I live right now if I use the brush I have a system now where I bang it very much from side to side

and between the two sides of the thing to remove every drip. There should be no, there is no excuse for a drip on it, right? Yeah, if you're returning a still moist toilet brush to the toilet brush holder, shame on you. Yeah, you've got the perfect surfaces to bounce off of because they're very close. You can go jiggle real fast. A lot of starting and stopping that makes those little drops kind of just, you know, a lot of changing of direction. Yeah, the rapid acceleration, deceleration.

Jump off of the bristles. You're breaking the surface tension. Yeah. There's no need for those to stay there anymore. So obviously there's some water that you're just not going to be able to get out, some just moisture. What about a toilet brush holder that you could flush? So, it's like a disposable toilet brush? No, no, no.

The toilet brush holder itself has a little tiny little cistern, right? And you can flush it away. So, when you get that buildup of gross water in there, you can flush it away. So when you get that buildup of gross water in there, you can flush it out. So it's a toilet brush holder that you can flush? Yeah. Okay. I mean, look, that's a great idea. Thanks.

I think it'd be really cute. I think it'd be adorable. Would it be made of porcelain as well? Yeah, I think so. Look, I think so. I think that can work. I think just like a series of babushkas, smaller and smaller ones, next to each other, going away into nothingness.

So you think that we would need actually more of them? Yeah, because then you've got to have another toilet brush to clean that flushable toilet brush holder. You don't necessarily need that. Because if it's flushable, then the water's not going to collect at the bottom of it. Okay, you're right, Alistair. You don't need it. You don't need it. You probably don't need this podcast. Andy, not everything needs to be recurring to infinity.

Yes, it does all right can you uh write down write down alistair write down what i say okay write down the words i'm going to tell you yeah toilet brush holder brush done see that's a sketch right it's a it's an advertisement maybe for uh know, maybe it's like an infomercial. Maybe it's like a little DemTel kind of thing, you know, or whatever that infomercials are called. The Magic Bullet? Yeah, it's the Magic Bullet or something, right? It's a toilet brush holder brush. It's a brush for cleaning your toilet brush holder Because nothing's worse than having people come around To your

To see the worst water in the world Pooling in the bottom Somewhere in a sanitary area Do you think anyone's ever drunk that? Like for a dare? Maybe in a porno No The worst.

That was the filthiest porno I've ever seen. They had sex with each other, then he drank the water at the bottom of the toilet brush container. It was filthy. You don't want kids watching that and thinking that that's what sex is. It's the youth these days. Yeah, I'm really worried about what it's doing to our boys. That's what it's doing to our boys and girls. They're having to be exposed to men that are doing that.

They think that that's having pleasing a woman is. You have sex with each other and then just gulp down the bottom of the toilet brush bowl. Holder. Bowl holder.

Bowl holder. There's no thing to put bowls in. Like, you know, you put soup in a bowl, but what do you put bowls in? We've got a bowl holder at home. We actually do. It's like a metal thing. They sit vertically, and there's a bowl holder. I don't know what to say.

It's like a kind of a... The bowls have to sort of stack on top of each other but it holds them in place and sort of props them up. It's a bowl holder. You guys have a bowl holder? Yeah.

I was just trying to do toilet brush holder brush. Holder. No, you can't have that again. So it's a bowl holder. Yeah, it's a bowl holder. Yeah, we're a bowl holder. Yeah, we're living a domestic lifestyle, Alistair.

You don't know what I've got going on. Yeah, look. I've got all sorts of things. Here I was thinking that I was living a domestic lifestyle because I vacuum more than once a week. Although my bowls are really unstable. Once you go above four bowls stacked, there's so many pivot points in there. Are your bowls all of the same variety? The ones that are stacked are.

What about yours? I stack dissimilar bowls. Well, no wonder you guys had to go out and buy a new product. No, no, no. See, actually, that bowl holder only works for one variety of bowls so we got like certain bowls that go in the bowl holder and then i've got so many other bowls but all your other bowls are just random bowls which are all bigger than your standard your bowl holder bowls well the bowl holder bowls only only that they're one very

particular type of bowl that's like been designed to fit you know and stack almost like you know chairs at like a school gymnasium right they're specifically designed more for the stacking than they are for the comfort of the kids right so these bowls are you know they're built a stack

so do they not have enough depth do you think like in terms of like if they're not really designed for the eating out of a bowl? Actually, they've got a lot of depth. Oh, so they're... They've got more depth than I would like. Really? I don't really like a shallow bowl. What's the gradient on like a sort of your ideal bowl?

Probably about 30 degrees. Really? 30? So... What are you thinking? Like 45? like a sort of your ideal bowl. Probably about 30 degrees. Really? 30? So. What are you thinking, like 45? Look, I, for me, it's, it's like, it's a full, um, you know, like you want to be able to skateboard in it. Like, you know, you want to get a rush.

Like, do you want to be a, if you were going off the edge of the bowl that I like, you would spend some time in free fall. Before. Is it vertical? Well, these stackable bowls have got like a vertical bit at the top. Yeah, that's what, you would spend some time in free fall. Before. Well, these stackable bowls have got like a vertical bit at the top. Yeah, that's what I want. They've got a major drop. You could drop into that bowl. Yeah. I would definitely need a couple of seconds

of just heart-wrenching airtime. Yeah, airtime. Absolutely. Until the beautiful curvature of the bowl catches me and then slides me up the other side. Yeah. And you repeat again. Of course, yeah. Well, that's what happens when you eat too much. It's part of indigestion.

Yeah. I was picturing something to do with bowls and it's gone. So is that a sketch? Can I roll something down yet? Yeah. Sure. Hey, man. Whatever, I'm not going to tell you what to do.

No, no, no. I mean, I know I told you exactly what to do for the last one. Yeah. Actually, yeah, you are going to tell me what to do. All right, so that one's not a sketch, but it's just some interesting things about bowls. It's not that interesting, but it's pretty interesting. Well, look, you know...

There was some value adding to it. I don't think we're quite at the point of changing this podcast concept to be four sketch ideas and one interesting thing about bowls. Yeah, I know. Look, I agree with you. I don't think we're quite ready, but maybe in a couple of years. A couple of years. Yeah.

The two in the think tank network might come to us and say, look, we're losing out on that core demographic, 20 to 25-year-olds and people who leave the podcast on to entertain their dog. Yeah. And people who love bowls. Like, steep bowls. Do you reckon you could slip in some more bowl facts into the podcast?

Alright guys, people who love bowls are dropping like flies. They're tuning out. Yeah, and we're not sure if it's because you're talking too much about bowls or not enough about bowls. So, how about you start experimenting? One episode, first I think I reckon too much about bowls or not enough about bowls. So how about you start experimenting? One episode, first I think I reckon talk more about bowls.

And then the next one, we won't mention bowls at all, except maybe in passing. Maybe we'll sort of mention things that bowls are near, like plates and sort of mugs and gravy boats. Explore the whole cupboard. Yeah, we'll get right in there. We'll see sort of colors that you would paint the inside of a cupboard.

What's the most interesting color you've seen inside a cupboard? Oh, really good question. Really good question, Alistair. Oh, fuck. Do you think I'm ready for commercial radio? I actually do. That's the kind of thing.

Oh, I think we've hit it. Oh, Christ. Text in. A 1-800-111-TANK. So, are your cupboards sort of the same colour on the inside as they are on the door that on the outside is? We've got a caller. Caller on line one. Go ahead.

No. Great. Thanks a lot. Thanks for calling in. And so what are you on your way to work or you're just coming home from work or you're at work? Yeah, I'm just at work. I work at the library. Okay. Well, you better stay quiet then.

You know, you don't want to have to shush yourself. At work, though, the doors do match the inside of the cupboards. And what colour are the doors? They're brown. And the inside of the cupboards is also brown. Oh, no, actually, it's like a light green. Okay, well, I'm getting mixed messages from you there, mate. Anyway, look, I don't

want you to have to shush yourself. Remember when I said that was pretty good? But, look, you keep the books in cupboards, because that's a bit tricky for people, surely? Oh, no, it's in the tea room. Okay. Oh, well, um... The tea room, is that where you keep the books with the letter T on them?

No, no, no, we use the Dewey Decimal System So it's not kind of by The Dewey Decimal System They really do run everything Anyway we'll catch you Catch you around mate Have a good time at work Thank you very much Thanks mate

What were we just talking about oh the death of the balls yeah we gotta talk more about the balls yeah alright well maybe next episode

um what's the most you know this thing have you ever got an old chest of drawers or cupboard yeah

from the past oh absolutely and like okay so one that's from the past an old one from the past okay Oh, absolutely. And... Like, okay, so one that's from the past? An old one from the past. Okay. Not from the future.

But then in the bottom of the drawers, there's bits of wallpaper. Oh, yeah. Or like wrapping paper. Or like people have cut out pieces of paper. Laid it out in there. Laid it out in the bottom of the drawer. Or like even newspaper sometimes. Like,

what is that from? Like, what era was that considered necessary? And who started that? And was it glued down? How did that... No, it was just there. It was just laid in there. Wait, wait.

It's not loose though, right? It's loose. It's just sitting there. No, no, no. I think I've seen it like pasted in. No, I've never seen it pasted in. Oh, wait. It's not loose though, right? It's loose. It's just sitting there. No, no, no. I think I've seen it like pasted in. No, I've never seen it pasted in. Oh, yeah. It's loose. It's just sitting there and just for some reason, like

society decided that we needed to have sheets of paper in the bottom of our drawers. I reckon it must have been for a good like 20 or 40 year period, maybe even longer. When did wallpaper start? Let's start there. We could figure this out.

Okay, well, I do know that Oscar Wilde, his famous last words were, either that wallpaper goes or I do. And he died in about 1900, I think. Okay. Right? So they had wallpaper then. Wallpaper then.

When? Okay. Look, and I think I've. Right? So they had wallpaper then. Wallpaper then. When? Okay. Look, and I think I've seen it like in like Regency things, so I think we're going back even to, you know, like the 1700s. I'm going to say wallpaper was invented in 1784. So do you think anybody in the Roman Empire had newspaper? No, they didn't have newspaper. They didn't have newspaper.

So it was after the printing press. Yeah. I've invented this wonderful thing called paper. Anyway, I'll leave your drawer pads on it, put it on the walls. Just put it in the inside of your drawers. Yes. All right. So it went from...

It went from the inside of drawers to putting it on walls and then to creating the entire written world. The media landscape. So then when do you think it stopped? Like five years ago? Wallpaper? No, no, no. Putting the newspaper and wallpaper inside drawers. It stopped at least

like 1970s sometime. But do you think there's still some drawers out there right now that have it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there hasn't been a new fresh sheet put into a drawer for at least 30 to 40 years. Correct. Okay. So that's about, so far we've got at least 60 years.

I feel like I'm under a cross-examination. Like this is really thorough questioning you're trying to get to the bottom of this. And they're a cross-examination. Like, this is really thorough questioning you're trying to get to the bottom of this. So it's about 60 years with people there for a while. They were putting either wallpaper or newspaper into... At least. Or maybe 260. Could be 60, could be 260.

Because, I mean, you did mention the 1700s earlier. Yeah, I did. All right. Now, do we have any idea why? Do you think it's to capture moisture? I don't think it's to capture moisture. I think it might... Okay, you know how, like, in football stadiums...

Yes, absolutely. What they do is they'll have the seats multicoloured, right? And, like, sort of patches of different colours of seats so that the eye doesn't notice so readily multicolored, right? And like sort of patches of different colors of seats. Yeah. So that the eye doesn't notice so readily when the stadium is underpopulated, right? Oh. So it doesn't look empty when it's pretty much empty. So you think it comes from a time when people weren't as sock rich?

Yeah, I think that's what it is, right? So you have a nice pattern there or some busy pattern on the bottom of your drawer. That way if a stranger comes in, opens up your drawer, they don't notice the lack of, you know, the fact you've only got two or three pairs of socks in there. Yeah. They go, oh, look, that's a full drawer. There's a lot going on. Close it, move on. This drawer's also full. Yeah.

Jeez, they're doing well. These people are doing very well, yeah. Very well. You could also do it with a form of like kind of camouflage for, you know, a lot of people like to keep valuables in their sock drawer. You know, put some sort of valuable wallpaper on the back there. Not wallpaper that costs lots of money, but wallpaper that has images of like, you know, gold rings and money. Yes. Good.

And sort of, you know, high-valued stamps, you know, rhinoceros horns, you know, Lamborghinis. Yes, childhood memories because nothing's more valuable than them. More valuable, yeah. So a burglar comes into your house, opens the drawer, sees an enormous array of valuable items, grabs wildly. At the 2D surface. At the 2D surface. At the 2D surface, yes. Hurts his hand. Doesn't get around to the actual real items that are in there, which are big wads of cash.

The 3D surface. Yeah. Down in the corner there. Big wads of cash and socks and bags of gold. Yep. Yep. Debloons. Yep. Yep. Debloons. Jewelry.

Yep. Debloons? Debloons. What's debloons? A Spanish coin that, during the era of Spanish exploration. Oh, yeah. I always feel like I would really like, I'd like to, I would like to find large quantities of sort of ancient gold.

Really? Yeah. Oh, that's weird. Just because I would like to find large quantities of sort of ancient gold. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's weird. Just because I would like the money. You know, because people still sometimes just go, oh, I just found a bag of gold from 1600. Yeah, people do. Not that often, though.

It's probably more likely that you'd win the lottery already. I think there was one recently. Yeah, there was. I read all about it. I liked the sound of it. I used to want to be a marine archaeologist because I thought that's probably my highest chance of finding a big bag of gold. Yeah, but I reckon you could do a bit of research and you could lower those odds a little bit, you know?

Yeah, okay. Do you think people do that or not? Do you think people just go out there and... Some people do. I think there's some families that are literally, like, adventure families, and they go out and they find old sunken ships, and they try to find their gold. But do you think they try and increase the odds, or do they just randomly plunge into the ocean? No, I reckon they try to increase their odds.

Yeah, I reckon they try to increase their odds. They're trying to increase their odds so that they're better than winning the lottery. Okay. So let's have a sketch about a family, right, that's searching for sunken treasure. Right? What about they find something that has enormous sentimental value?

Okay. What about sentimental value auction? What about something with... We've said that before. Sedimental value. Sediment. Absolutely, yes. What about the sedimental value of that rock? Yeah.

Well, I suppose that does bring a lot of nutrients into the water. And to my grandfather. Have we done a sentimental value auction? I thought I had seen a thing like with sentimental value

and like an antiques roadshow type thing. Very possible. But you know a family that's looking for sunken treasure Yep. I thought you were going somewhere else with it. Bring me back on track.

Okay, so it's a family that's looking for sunken treasure, right? And maybe they're raising their kids, right? The kids want to go to school. They take their kids out of school and they say, they don't want their kids to get into like a you know a steady career or anything like that instead they're saying like this is the way you get success right this is the way you get ahead

you dive into the ocean and you hope you find gold yeah okay and if you accidentally eat a krill then that's how we survive in this family that's a freebie. That's just one of the perks of the job.

Yeah, everything that they do is done through pure chance. So the food that you eat, it's all accidental. They're accidentalists. Accidentists. Accidentists. I'm never going to that dentist The accidental surgery

Oh look I'll tell you what We could do an x-ray Or I could just take out a tooth And we'll just hope It's the right one Or I could just swing randomly At your mouth with this Surgical hammer I'm going to put on a blindfold Or I could just swing randomly at your mouth with this surgical hammer.

I'm going to put on a blindfold. And I'm going to walk through the room holding this big 2x4. Marco! Marco! Marco! Like that. That was just quite a whack. It was quite a whack, but then also the air conditioning in the background started at the same time.

Kicked in at exactly the same time. It's a feast for the senses. It was really a feast for the senses, Andy. I think the accidentist is something. You think it's more than the family-seeking sunken treasure? Well, the family-seeking sunken treasure, I haven't actually, I don't think there's an idea there. I think, have I talked to you about this on the podcast? Because it's a bit like the family-seeking sunken treasure.

The idea that people used to talk about kids who didn't like it at home, right? They're having a tough time at home, running away to join the circus. If you think you're having a tough time at home running away to join the circus. If you think you're having a tough time at home. Yeah. Try joining the circus. I mean, that is a hard job. I don't think there's anyone that works more for less pay and respect than circus workers. Right?

Yeah. You've got no fixed place of address. You are literally lifting enormous weights, flying through the air and... And staying unbelievably fit. Yeah. With a terrible diet of food being served around you. Like this caramel popcorn and things like that, and you're supposed to keep thin. You've got to be in peak physical condition.

Yeah, unless you're the elephant. Well, there's always the elephant. There's always the elephant, but I agree with you here, Andy. Mucking out, like, shoveling elephant dung. Dung? Dung.

How many animals have dung. Dung? Dung? Dung. How many animals have dung? Dung beetles. But it's not their own dung. It's not their dung. I think it's just elephants. Look, should I write down the running away to join the circus thing? How do we turn it into a sketch? Well, it's a kid who says he's going to run away to join the circus.

Yeah, okay, good. And then his mother gives him all the arguments why that's a much worse life. Then you get to see some of the visuals. Act it out. Act it out. What about... It might work better as stand-up, but... Someone in the circus who says, I'm going to run away to join a family.

And it's actually quite a good idea. Hey, I don't know, man. Andy, you got it there. You got it. That's a wrap on that one. That's a wrap. That's a wrap. That's a wrap.

Andy, we have five, six ideas. Oh, yeah. Seven if you include family, who goes away to dig a sunken treasure. There's no floating treasure.

It's a pity that we chose all the things that we really love to be really, you know, heavier than water. You know? Yeah.

I mean, except for helium. That's true. We do love helium. We do value helium. You know, and we're going to miss it when it's all gone. Mm-hmm. I mean, is there any chance we're going to find some more on the moon? Helium?

Yeah. I think there's even less chance that we'll find it on the moon because the helium that does exist on Earth is actually created by, I believe, accumulated alpha radiation. So alpha radiation is a helium nucleus. No, coming from nuclear isotopes inside the Earth's crust. Wow. isotopes inside the Earth's crust. Wow.

And so that nuclear decay releases alpha radiation. Those nuclei steal electrons from somewhere and become helium atoms. They get trapped inside you know... Sort of like big caves. Yeah, gas chambers or whatever.

Natural gas. I guess they're not gas chambers before the helium shows up. They're just chambers. You're right. KC gas chambers. What about KC

chambers? Is that something? No! Oh man, sometimes I wish I wasn't being recorded. Gacy? Gacy Chambers. Look. Gassy Chambers. Gassius Clay, that's an idea.

What? You know, Cassius Clay, Marv Adali. I know, I knew exactly what you were saying. Gassius Clay? Yeah. Well, that's an idea. Gacy Chambers? That's not an idea.

Then why am I laughing more at it? Because you don't know what's good. I know, I know. But maybe I'm... Maybe things... Maybe I'm sick of things being good. Well, this is the podcast for you, Alistair. Welcome to Two in the Think Tank.

I listened to the new album by... Who are those people who did that album that was, like, very Beatles-y? I kept telling you. Tame Impala. Tame Impala.

I listened to the new album and there was a part of me that was, like, going, like, this is really good, but I don't give a shit. You know?

Like, maybe I'm sick of, like, things that are good. Maybe I just want to listen to something that's kind of awful. Yeah, it's very possible. Well, maybe not. Maybe I just want something different. Maybe it was good, but just not to my taste. Ah, God. There you go.

I solved it. Sorry, I didn't give you much in that conversation. Hey, have we come up with enough sketch ideas, and would you like to read them out to the listeners? Yes, we have, Andy. Listening at home, you're listening to the Two in the Think Tank Network. This is Two in the Think Tank. Check out twointhethinktank.com for all the details.

That's not even the podcast. That's not even our... Yeah, I know. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, I knew, too. Oh, my God. All right, well, the sketches we came up with today are stand-up comedian through the ages making fun of new products.

One example would be fingerless gloves. Punk doctor, and he's got fingerless surgical gloves, but also other things, I imagine. Number three is life hack, dropping food on your body, which I've spelt with double D. Because I also guess it would be Bodhi. Yeah. Which is a cool name for a kid from the 90s. Or from the wire.

So this is the dropping food on your body. If it's wet, rub it in. If it's dry, scratch it off. And then it's got... Oh yeah, that's right. These are tips for, life hacks for... Looking like you've got it together after a divorce. Yeah, looking like you've got it together after a divorce. Just because you and your wife aren't together anymore doesn't mean you can't look like you've got it together anymore. That's right. You know, you can't look like you've got it together anymore.

That's right. You know, you can still be together when you're alone, if you've got it together. So keep it together with our tips for keeping it together after a divorce. Yeah, so one of the examples is... You couldn't keep your marriage together. That's no reason you can't keep it together. One of the examples is the fat roll satchel, which is where you pinch your fat rolls up into one big kind of lump, which makes the rest of your body look better

because you're diverting all the fat into one area, but then you're painting it brown and making it look like a satchel. You've got a fashionable satchel. Satchel. I wonder how many satchels you could have before people start to get suspicious. Cargo satchel. People only usually go with the one type of satchel.

Yeah, but I think you could have like three satchels all around different parts of your body. Just paint them on. Or you could have a bum bag as well. Yeah, you could paint. Fat roll bum bag. Or just a couple little satchels under your eyes. Fat Roll backpack? It's actually one of my favourite early jazz musicians.

Fat Roll backpack. When your eyes are gleaming And you feel like dreaming Well, just come on back to the bar. And get a cup of your favourite sup and we'll say how happy we are. In nature's gifts. Anyway, so that's good. Toilet brush holder brush,

and then it's also got the option of a flushing brush. It's true. Yep. True that. Then there's the accidentist. I just skipped over the family searching for sunken treasure. Thank you. But, I mean, maybe, look, maybe there's a whole, not just a sketch in there.

There's a series in there. It's a whole series. That could be the next Travelling Thornberries. Or? The Wild Thornberries. The band with... No, that's the Travelling Wilburys. Okay.

The Wild Thornberries was that Nickelodeon kids TV show where they were like... Oh, yeah. In Africa. I could never watch it. I could never watch it. Yeah, it was pretty irritating. Accidentist. And then, running away to join the circus is a bad idea, is the last sketch.

Because the life of a circus performer is difficult. Difficult. Due to all the high level skills they have to develop. Which take practice and dedication, probably the things that you're running away from at home. Hard work. Unless you've actually got a genuinely bad childhood, in which case maybe it would be better to be with another family.

Well, maybe you could get your siblings to practice dedication and the other thing that Andy said, and then they could help fix the family. So we're two in the think tank. Thanks for listening.