Two In The Think Tank - 466 - "MILF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING"

Episode Date: March 6, 2025

Pants Illustrated: https://www.instagram.com/pants.illustrated?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==Andy's appearance on "Unconventional Pathways" https://open.spotify.com/episode/13Vvnv8E0ws4mHOQV1JTLS?si=QbBr7oIySE-ESOYeruvScgAndy's appearance on Pitch Bleak on Youtube: https://youtu.be/grK7kSL_T2g?si=sVX-s1mhXx9ZhQDfThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, Andy. Yes, Al. I've got a new French speaking podcast that will be coming out monthly. But if you're French speaking and are in any way interested, well, why not head to either YouTube or podcast things and you can check out Les Têtes Brulé. The burnt heads. If you speak French, you'll find a way to see how that's spelled. Goodbye. And if you don't speak French, don't listen. Don't listen. It's forbidden. Do not listen. It's forbidden. Do not listen. It's forbidden. do not listen it's forbidden do not listen it's forbidden do not listen it's forbidden do not listen do not listen do not listen no hello and welcome to the show where we come up with five sketch ideas I'm Andy and I'm Alistair George William Trombley virtual Andy and right before the pod started I asked you could the Aussies put in a bit more work and perhaps

start shortening a few other G words so that you can have more g something. Yeah, and when you say put in a bit more work really it's investing, you know, it's putting in a bit of initial work for a big payoff of doing a lot less work later on we've already established that we can do good day and even good night a little bit although even that now I say it I'm like nobody says that yeah nobody says good night what about good evening yeah this is good this is huge for Aussies what about this you go to the doctor yeah he gets your results he looks at the he looks at the the pad the clipboard he says good bad news he says he says good diagnosis okay Yeah, you know. Geprognosis. You're like, oh yes, I'm gonna live an Aussie good time.

Come on Aussie, good time. Yeah. So what you already did? No, I don't think so. I don't think I'm that smart. I'm not quick like you Alastair. Thank you. I'm lagging.

I'm crawling along behind your train of thought. You're still running a Pentium 483, but I'm here on an the new computer Yes, yes Yes, yes. When are we gonna get, when are we gonna get the quantum computer out of the way and start getting some other quantum things? When are we gonna get a quantum toaster? Quantum fridge. When are we gonna get a quantum fridge? I bet you could do that too. I think there's something called quantum cooling.

I'm not completely sure. Yeah, there's definitely quantum locking so we could get some quantum doors. Quantum locking. And what about quantum docking? Oh yeah. My foreskin is tingling. Our foreskins are entangled across space and time. Admittedly not that much space. It's only about an inch and a half but boy Quantum coming I mean quantum quantum quantum Having a con coming

What would that be what would that be what do you think a quam cum would be? If you were to, if you were forced to say at gunpoint. Well I suppose, if I was forced to, I guess Schrödinger's cum would be when you put, well it would be... You put a cat in a box with a cat flesh light. Well I was just picturing your underpants, you know, before you open them. You have both done one and not done one at the same time. And not done one, not done it. Yes, in your, you put your... Yeah, I'm close, I'm close. we could and it's Schrodinger's pussy. Yeah, okay and

And it's and you put it into some box briefs Okay, and then Now do you how do we incorporate a radioactive particle into this? Oh it's a radioactive spider that bites your junk. Yes good. Yes finally crossing over the Schrodinger and the Spider-Man universe. You gotta put on a Schrodinger. Here we go, here we go, come on Alistair. You put on it. Yes, is it on or is it not on? Yeah. Nobody knows. Does it feel good or you're not making a baby tonight? Does it feel good or are you not making a baby tonight? So if you're not making a baby, that means it doesn't feel good.

Doesn't feel good and you've got a condom on. Yeah, okay. Sorry, I don't... No, I was working, I was working through... Yes. Working through the logic, you know, we were out on the end of a yep yeah I mean what would be really good would be if you did a comedy show where you gay because if you're trying to do an efficient comedy show it doesn't

make sense for you to have to do all the setups and the punch lines of the show. What would be really good if you could is if you could send out all the setups as sort of like a reading list for your audience before the show. Yes Department of Government Efficiency all these setups that already exist you send them out people do them in their own time, not on your dime, and then they show up and you just do all the punchlines on the night and then they can just laugh at those.

And then you could probably get the show over and done with five minutes, say, get the next crowd in. Yeah, that's good. You'll be able to maximize ticket sales. So they have to do like a pre-reading. Yep pre-reading or maybe listen to the setups in the car or on the way there as they do all the you could send them out as a podcast or something like that they can consume in There you go. Okay, so Maximilian, beef jerky, my chemical romance. Then I got off the bus.

And then I got off the bus and a baby spew. Yeah. There you go. Thank you everybody. Thank you and good night. You've been a wonderful crowd. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like you've got a very set sort of joke structure that you're doing there, where really it is- Reveal and down.

Pretty much two lines. Two words. Two words at the end of the sentence. Yeah. That are the funny bit, but you know, maybe that's your sort of one-liner. If anybody wants to write all the setups for those jokes. But maybe that's your sort of one-liner, two-word style. If anybody wants to write all the setups for those jokes.

All the setups. Yeah. Well, I mean, the other thing is that there is some of comedy, and I guess what sort of memes are, is that, right? Is that like, the setup is already done you know and you are just

delivering the punchline maybe that's you know like like there's a there's a lot of like assumed knowledge where you're like oh you've seen these things before and so I'm just changing what the punchline is on this existing format, this public domain set up for a joke. I am providing an aftermarket punchline to... So you sort of imply, let's say, you know, maybe even at the beginning of your punchline, you imply that you're now talking about the chicken that crossed the road. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, that chicken was splattered from road edge to road edge. I genuinely feel, I genuinely feel it. Remember, I don't know if you remember but I had an argument with some historians on Twitter who I suppose had done, and I think one of them's a pretty, like he has some standing in the United Kingdom. Reps of cred. Yeah. Yeah. And he might have been involved with horrible

histories he might be involved with some other stuff but anyway right I wrote a tweet about how you know and I think this one has come up with quite a few times that to get to the other side I had realized that does sound like the chicken dies mmm all right and have I brought this up on the pod again before? You may have. We have talked about it you and I, but I'm very happy to go there again. And then he and then they him and maybe another historian of some sort had like seen it and were like actually we've done some research on this and it's not because at the time it was coming out with a lot of other jokes that were non

jokes you know that were sort of these these you know anti jokes right nonsense anti anti jokes yeah but I find it hard to believe that somebody who wrote that Didn't in any way consider that. Oh this one Works on multiple levels Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and and I think all jokes probably have a level on which they don't work right, like if you consider Not working to be one of the levels, then all jokes work on at least two levels.

The level where they don't work, the anti-comedy level, and then the level on which they do work. So that's two levels. Yeah, it would be great to go back through their research and just realize they hadn't got all the other jokes All this must be a lot of other anti comedy But anyway, I Don't have a sit up. I don't have a wait Could could you could you and here's the opposite to the show

that you were talking about, Andy. It's a much more difficult show. This is where you show up and you've got some aftermarket setups. Okay. Before and then, but you're showing up and you're just saying the setups and people I guess

have to understand in some way what the punchline is. Which punchline they go with. But you know that they already have that and it'll be easier for them to keep that in their head. Mmm, the punchlines are often the most memorable part of the joke. And so if you could then do a setup and then somehow with just using implication, imply the punchline to one that you can cross the road and then the crowd just laughs. Well what would be great would be a lot of sometimes audiences take a long time to get

the punchline, right? Some audience, some of the audience don't get it right away, they need more time to think about it. So that would make a lot of sense. If you gave everybody the punchlines in advance, then they can get them all in their own time. And then you can just deliver the setups, you know, you don't have to. And then everyone will laugh at exactly the same time, I presume,

because they've already processed the punchline. So I think this is actually maybe we've finally cracked comedy and taken it to the next level. I mean, obviously nobody's ever considered just having a show with just setups, so it doesn't really save that much time. But you could probably take it from a 15 minute show to a 45 minute show.

I think I found a new twist on the chicken crossing the road thing recently, which is I was having to, for my work, come up with some slogans for t-shirts for a car company. And they have like this off-road vehicle. Right? T-shirts for a car company. Yeah, and They have like this off-road vehicle Right. And so I had this tagline So it'd be a t-shirt would be a picture of this car like driving up a mountain or something like on a like off-road Yeah, and the tagline roads are for chickens, right? That's great. I was like, you know, that's pretty That's it like a, you know, we're taking the chicken to be the other version of the word chicken.

Yeah, that's really good. And I guess, well thank you Alastair, they didn't go with it, but I liked it. But maybe there is a like a why did the chicken cross the road, like there is that version of like, well he probably crossed the road to get away, if he's a chicken, he's probably crossing the road to get away from someone he thought looked scary

on the side of the road. Sure. You know, I, I, I, I'm a chicken who, I'm also a chicken. And whenever I've crossed the road, it's been to get away from somebody who looked scary, scary looking, or not even somebody who looks scary. I'm a chicken cross the road to get away from an ex-girlfriend. Or even just a friend that I haven't replied to a Facebook message from. Or a current girlfriend. And I'm just scared. Or a current girlfriend.

That's a true chicken, you know. Yeah. I don't know, I think this joke is as far from being anti-comedy. Let's go back to these guys. This thing works on so many levels. Let's find these historians. Let's track them down. Let me see these other jokes. I'm sick of them.

You're already sick of them? These fucking historians. And that they teamed up, the two of them, to try and take you on as well. That's real chicken. No, but you know what? Sometimes, you know, when you're in the social sciences, you need sort of, you know, other people to back you up a little bit. I wonder how historians feel about futurists. Do you think they have beef? They're exact opposites. Yeah. Yeah. They're sort of their

nemesis. If they sometimes meet under a clock, you know, and have a fight. They meet at midnight. Oh yeah or midday. I looked it up recently. Right? Because I was like which one is the PM and which one's the AM? Is it the middle of the day or the middle of the night? Which one's the PM? Which one's the AM? Like 12 PM? Which one's 12 PM? Which one's 12 AM? Right? And apparently there is no consensus. We actually don't know. There's no whether or not midday is 12 PM. Yeah. I mean I think midday is 12 p.m. yeah I mean I think midday is 12 p.m. and that's I think that's the consensus but like but I guess if you did some research and as far as I looked it up as far as I know as soon as I say it doesn't sound right it doesn't sound right at all doesn't sound right at all.

But hang on, I've got my notes here. I've put the... I copied it out. I copied it out. I copied it out as a... I copied the line. Midnight is a.m. because it's the beginning of the morning. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I've lost where I wrote this down. Alistair, I

had such a good, it was so, it made so much sense. Yeah, I mean, I, I do like that there could be some insanity there, but it's just, I don't understand how it would work because then how is 12 the beginning of a new day and you're still in PM? There are no... okay here we go. There are no official standards establishing for the meaning of 12am and 12pm. But it is generally accepted that 12am means midnight and 12pm means midday. Alright. Yeah. But 12pm, it feels wrong to me because 12pm feels like the night and pm is night to me. Of course, absolutely Andy, I agree with that.

12pm does feel like night and 12am does feel like it should be close to the morning. Yes. But then it does feel very weird to go to 12 p.m. and then not start the a.m. until one, when you're an hour into the new day. Yeah, yeah, that is weird. But maybe like, you know, the sort of polar north, a magnetic north, maybe it's constantly shifting oh that

would be interesting wouldn't it midday actually moved I mean it does actually just midday move throughout the year technically if you were doing it properly I suppose midday does move throughout the year because of the tilt of the, like the real midday. Real midday, not this like clock midday. Yeah, but there would be something that is actually the exact middle of the day between sunrise and sunset, and that would move throughout the day. Throughout the year.

Throughout the year. Let me think. This is huge Alistair. Yeah. I feel like I'm having a real epiphany that we're sort of... It's just another way in which we're being lied to. I know, but are you getting a bit more night buffer on either side? What?

Are you getting a bit more like... You know, like... Buffer of night on either side of the day and the midday doesn't actually change? I don't know what you're saying Like you know how like there's never like midday it's sort of like 5 p.m There's never midday at 5 p.m. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah I just assume that because the earth continues to rotate at the same speed You're I would say you're probably halfway

through the day. At the same time. Every day. I don't reckon you are. Are you? Is midday the same time? those could the road could the day rotate 50% faster in the second half to just to make up His midday really the it is the middle of the day isn't it midday really is the middle of the day I Fuck I feel like such an idiot Midday really is the middle of the day. Andy... 12 really is when the sun is directly overhead. Andy, I... I like to just think that you just have some kind of AM, PM, like 12 o'clock... Is that exactly halfway between sunrise...

Is that exactly the same halfway between sunrise and sunset? Probably is isn't it? Fuck! This is some of the dumbest shit I've ever said on the podcast. And I am sweating. I am sweating Alistair. Andy I think it's fine. I think we've just found a small hole in your brain. Well I'm about to make a bigger one with this hammer. And I think it's good. I'm afraid that small hole is not sufficient for my purposes. I'm finally getting this fucking brain out of this fucking skull. Let's get our fingers in here. I'm sick of it. And I gotta find some more 12 based trivia that you can get wrong.

Oh man. And I don't think it's fair that somebody wrote online that there's actually some question about this AM PM thing and really fucked you up. Yeah, it's, look, let's just strike the last eight minutes of the podcast from the permanent record. I know what I'm waiting for. Do you think bakers call 1pm midday?

Is 1pm, 1pm is that bakers midday? Oh it is a bakers midday, yeah. And that's probably, were you on a bakers website? That's probably what I was thinking of. I was on a bloody bakers website again. Checking out the bakers timezats. What would a bakers cousin be? Oh wait, would a bak's midday be 101?

101. Do you have to do it? Uhhhhhhm. Uhhhhhh. No. Do you have to add 1 to everything? How are you? Good plus 1. Good one. Good one. Well, that was the premise of the sketch that we did in in In Australia get it up here, but I'm just I'm just taking it back to its original form of just 12 when he's 13 when he oh, yeah, but when uh

but when a, but when he, when a, this is not good because you've basically already heard me say this, but when, when a baker says, you know, likes one of your jokes and he goes, good one, does he say good two? Do you think that we could start calling 12 o'clock, dozen? Nobody ever says that when they, nobody ever talks about it. Dozen o'clock. I'll see you at dozen o'clock. Yeah. I'll see you at the stroke of dozen midnight. Yes, I like the stroke of dozen. The stroke of dozen. Yeah, let's see but then would you have a whole, like a triple clock, you know like a clock that would have triple and non-opal and sextuple?

Yes I would. It's just a clock that we're just making a really fucked clock. Really? You should see this clock. You should see this fucked clock he did. We've removed the numbers and put the wrong words. And also midday moves. It changes throughout the year when midday is. And it's got...

I hate this clock. It's got my idea for swinging a swing and beat on the thing and it also goes... It's got my idea for swinging a swing and beat on the thing Like that you could have a clock where each instead of the hours around the You know 12 12 1 2 3 4 etc. You could have other clocks there Well, you know, it'd be? A bass clock. A hand. A bass clock? Because clocks go tk tk tk tk

but if you had one that went pfft pfft pfft Yeah. Yeah, I'm sick of this. Uh. Pfft. Yeah. I'm sick of this.

Yeah, like you know, I mean I like it, you know, get yourself a nice clock orchestra. Yeah a clock-a-strah That's yeah, that's great. I mean it feels like it would be a bit limited maybe in the tunes it could play well, but It feels like it would be a bit limited maybe in the tunes it could play. Well, I don't know. It depends because you could probably get one of those, like a Steve Reich music for 12 musicians or whatever like that, where it's all those like patterns that go slightly out of whack. Oh, yeah. So they're not good clocks. Well, you know, you could set them slightly off from one another.

So that they kind of like, you know, like two flashing indicator lights on two separate cars. No, but they wouldn't. They wouldn't. They wouldn't. I mean, unless you set them to actually tick at different times. Right? So they have actually a different they're not clocks anymore I think they'll think but but think if they're if they're set really close to each other, but not quite Yep, right. And so yeah, how can I put this in a way that you would understand? Let's say like The two no, but no, I do understand. I do understand. I'm making a joke. I'm making a joke. Okay. How can I put this in a way

that you would understand? Let's say their mid days don't quite align. You know? That's not a joke. That's at my expense, Alastair. That's's not funny if it's at my expense. Technically if you pay to go and see a comedian then all the jokes are at your expense that's just that's just how the economy works that's just a trend that's just the nature of the transaction. It's called a family reunion. He kept making jokes at my expense. I suppose if you've bought tickets, yeah, every joke is at your expense. Yeah. But that's especially if you're paying for the whole theatre. Oh especially then, yeah. you yeah, you're if you're the only Audience member audience. Oh audience. Oh, I thought you were you were playing doing a pun on I mean, I don't know what car company you're needing to write jokes for but

an audience Um, I'm never off the clock, whatever clock that may be. Is it a bass clock? Is it a sax clock? It's a bass clock, it's a jazz clock. Oh that's cool. What about, I think we need more animals that we can ride? I do agree about this and I think have we experimented with having like because there are animals that are obviously too small to ride just one of them but God gave us two legs for a reason. So that we could go get lots of little animals that we could all ride on top of. Well I mean you could it like you can't ride one sheep,

but could you have one sheep under each foot? And then the sheep becomes a shoe. I mean, an animal, like a sheep, you could crowd surf. You'll lay on top of like six of them. That's true, yes. And you just travel looking at the sky. And it would feel good. Yeah. It would feel good.

Oh, you're laying on wool. I mean, they're covered in wool. It sky. And it would feel good. Yeah. It would feel good. Well, you're laying on wool. They're covered in wool. It's a... It would be a bit itchy. It's a... I don't know if it would be. Because if it...

I think, I think in its natural state, on a sheep, I don't reckon it is itchy. Because I thought if it was, that would be awful for the sheep. That's true, but maybe they've got a... They've developed a thick skin. They have some they have a natural immunity maybe we could get some sheep DNA and we could genetically engineer the perfect human who is able to wear wool directly against their skin with no undershirt without experiencing any itch just just with a small amount of sheep genome I think that would be really good yeah

just a tiny bit and or like it or like an anapra or like a very modest a new modest human that could that could grow wool in strategic areas like around the unspeakables. Ah yes. The schlong and the... What word did I see the other day? Oh, the... No wait, did I see the butter... The butter hole?

If you didn't Alastair, you just made yourself a billion dollars. Congratulations. That's a big idea. The butter hole. It's really good. Now, I mean, the only, and it's a great idea, Alastair, but I fear that in playing God like this, you may not like what you hath wrought, because then you open up the possibility for humans to get dags like a sheep, to get, up the possibility for humans to get dags like a sheep to get, you know, the feces sticking to the wool around the anus and forming great clubs. Beside the toilet there's always a little shearing, a pair of shearing scissors. Oh good. Well that will be fine then. I'd love to just be wheeling those behind my back, down close to my testicles. I know but you

know I think it probably could make sense in the context of, you know, I think this is something that trad wives, tried, trad wives and trad husbands would have as a, as a, as a response to the Brazilian. What could be more traditional than genetically engineering your own body in order to grow grow a woolly pubis. A woollen, self-growing woollen underwear. I mean, you know, instead of, you know, the shepherd on the hill will be your penis. Yeah. I mean it's really a penis on a mons pubis but... Now I'm trying to think of like a... like a muff in sheep's clothing? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A milf? A MILF in sheep's clothing. Is that anything? It's a woman who has a child. She's hot. Yes. Yes. She's hot as heck. And she's been genetically engineered to grow wool all over her body. So, I mean, you already said, as soon as you said she was hot as heck, I just assumed, Alastair, that she already had that. Yeah, so the wool, the sheep's wool. Are we writing this down? Has this made it to the pad? Yeah.

This is great. I mean, of course I Never had any doubts. Okay. Now let's now let's put that So now it's I feel like it should still we have we have tighty whitey's Do we have any others loosey slacky blackies? I Thought you were gonna go the other way. Lucy. Lucy Watties. Lucy Watties. No, I was just trying to go for the rhyming, the rhyming MILF in sheep's clothing. I'm picturing an alternate history where we're getting, I mean mean maybe Hitler but we're in the American Pie movie as the term

MILF is getting coined officially in the culture. Wow. Is it by the Shermanator? No way. Who's doing it? No, no, it's... I presume it's Stifler. No, I don't think so. I think it could be because his mom was the MILF right Stifler's mom was the MILF so he wouldn't have said it. Who says MILF first? he's like he's like a minor character I think in an American Pie. Is that really where MILF broke youF broke into the mainstream? Are you saying that before American Pie, the term MILF wouldn't have been used for example in pornography websites? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

What an impact for a film to have. To have spawned an entire category on porn. I think it helped popularize entire category. Oh, I think it helped Popularize it I'm not sure. Mm-hmm But I also wonder if it like if by if it's if it's one of those things we're like, you know by creating the term you give people a language to talk about this thing and then like you know I'm sure that there was already like sort of a more mature woman in pornography and there would have been a category for that and I don't know what it would have been called

but I wonder if there's way more of it now than there ever would have been because we have this word like I wonder if they like changed our behavior by coming up with this word. Andy, you don't get to, probably one of the world's favorite, most beloved porn keywords without a little help from pop culture. Without a little help. Shakespeare wouldn, you know, without a little help. You know, Shakespeare wouldn't have been as good

if, you know, wouldn't have been as considered as huge, wouldn't have become as big as he is if it wasn't for the power of the British Empire taking over the world and forcing it down the throats of future children by adding it to the throats of future children by adding it to the curriculum and things like that. The curriculum, yeah. You need a little help and so did MILFs.

Even if that beautiful term, what a lovely term that we seem to completely accept this fucked term that is so... that seems to have been accepted by regular culture. Well I guess in a way it's actually quite a nice word. And like according to our theory of like sounds that are going, you know, all these syllables that aren't being used for anything. Yeah, it was a perfect example. It's a really good example of that like it's a great easy to say very distinct word That wasn't being used and lying around idle and by compressing it

Using the acronym that is a great Mechanism for shortening some of these bigger expressions. Condensing such a complex concept, you know, such a rich and you know, you think of the work you would have to do to truly capture this idea. Of course. It's a mother. But it's not just any mother. No. It's a mother that I, but by extension others, would... That's right, I'm... I guess like... It's a kind of a...

It's like a communal I. I wonder if somebody could calculate the efficiency gains, how many billions of dollars have been added to the world economy by people not being able to express that idea. Yeah, but all of it being mostly expressed in the air. That much more efficiently. I mean, to be honest, these days I don't even think about what all the individual words mean these days when I hear MILF. I just go, yeah, you know, it is completely accepted as a whole. when I hear MILF, I just go, yeah.

It is completely accepted as a whole. Yes. The meaning has become fully encoded in that. You don't have to unzip that zip file in order to access the contents. I wouldn't be surprised if Elon's Doge just counted some of those billions saved Contents, I mean I wouldn't be surprised if if Elon's doge just Counted some of those billions saved as billions that his company saved He'll be all yes. That's another it's another 200 billion that we saved

well as a man who His is in is an acronym man himself obviously loves a good act just like Andy a little maniac and acronym for my one eh? An acronym for maniac. Doge themselves. An acronym for, one of my fellow acronym for maniacs. Now that's not a category on, on any of the pornography websites, as far as I'm aware. Yeah.

You know what I think they should do? I think they should make a pornography website where you can go there, right? and it's all just the same stuff but they don't Not everything has to be about about step step brothers and step sisters and Stepfathers and stuff. It's just it's just like we just don't not all of us need to see that But they it's somehow it's just become dominant.

There's a part of me that wonders whether or not, I was like, I started seeing all the step stuff and I was like, is this like a Russian thing? Is this like a Russian op, like, Psy op? It's a Psy op. Yeah, where they're like, making us think that this is what everybody likes? Is this what-

It's just- That this is the only thing that should be on the main page forever, though? Yeah. Yeah, something's going on. Something's going on, because that can't be, you know. It's gotta be just an attempt to destroy the fabric of Western society. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I don't understand where it's like, ah, well, we'll destroy the family unit by making everybody

really horny for each other. I mean, some of those family units, it looks like it's made them strong, brought them close together. So I would say it's really really backfired to be getting so close. They're interlocking Their quantum locking the quantum interlocking Alastair how many great sketch ideas have we written down if you include the? step relative pornography Wait let me see it is one two three four five six seven

all of them were so good and perfect So each more perfect than the last so therefore Andy I think that we should go to three words from a listener and today's listener Andy you are not going to believe this but today's listener is none other than smelly-us-serious no wait smelly-us-sare-us. No wait, smell-us-sare-us. Smell-us-sare-us. Smell-us-sare-us. Welcome, your majesty.

When you first look at the word you're going to think this is smell-us-saurus. Well, and that's what I thought hearing it as well, not just looking at it. Smell-us-sare-us. Smell-i-sare-us? Part of me still thinks it's Smell-i-saurus and you're just getting it wrong. Let me spell it out for you, smartass. S-M-E-L-L. Okay, now Andy, we're about to hit the midpoint, the midday. I. Mmm.

Alright? So you see that it's smelly. I'm feeling pretty smug at this bit smelly now sa Are here we go whoa I? you s Wow So we're serious Andy you are entering every S. Wow. Smell of serious. Andy, you are entering every conversation assumptions first.

Andy, you are a smart guy in assumptions clothing. I've got my assumptions hanging out. We've pulled, somebody's pulled the assumptions over your eyes. I don't know why, but my brain just like took me to the opposite of a milf covered in wool, but it's a sheep covered in MILF skin. Oh, wow. A sheep in MILF's clothing. I think we did a sketch about that in the first Wing Attack.

Did we? In the first, what was our first show called? Was it Wing Attack? I think the first one might have been called Wing Attack. Yeah. Or just the one where it's a farmer's had sex with a sheep. Yeah. That he says came to him dressed in his wife's clothes.

Oh yeah. Came to me in the middle of the night. Oh no! Good stuff. Yeah. It was speaking in your voice! No! Dressed in your clothes and I took it into the bed, I promise. It was speaking in your voice. No! Dressed in your clothes.

And I took it into the bed, Marge. I'm sorry. I thought it was you, I swear to God. Andy. Oh, Henry. We'll get through this. Just like we did when the exact same thing happened with those chickens.

Oh, that's right. That was good, Andy. through this just like we did when the exact same thing happened with those chickens. Oh that's right. That was good Andy, that was a good time. Yeah, I mean there's more to the sketch. There's a lot more. It seems, on the surface it seems, I can hear you judging it, you're the listener. I can hear it judged. Oh no, that's a pump. I don't know if you can hear the pump right now, but there's some snow a mountain and so the there's a pump that takes all the water that seeps into you know the whatever the hole in the basement thing is. Oh wow. Yeah. This is a sort of a sump or some kind of... I think it might be a sump. I just I couldn't

I couldn't quite reach. A sump. I didn't want to make an assumption. No, that's right. When you assump, you make an ass. When you assume it's a sump. When you assump, you make an ass out of you and... Mm-hmm. Okay. you and mm-hmm Andy smell a serious says to us hello boys and I like the picture that he said like this hello boys I smell a serious have the three words in offering okay so do you want to guess what the words are

now he has the three words doesn't say whether or not they're his words yeah yeah yeah yeah he's just good to do it. They're in Okay vertical. Horizon. Support. Vertical. Support. Nngh. Vertical support? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Uh, strut? Strut? Oh, you were close with length. But no, it's box.

Vertical support box? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Wow. I don't think I've ever heard three words that have inspired less in my brain. I picture somebody which who's walked in on a plane and they've got this big this big cube with them. Okay. And there's a you can't bring that in here that's too big he goes well this no this is my vertical support box. Keeps me standing. Okay. Without it. So it's like an emotional support animal. Yes but I can't. But it's a

vertical support box. Yes. I mean without it. The whole point of going on. Yep. Without it I can't stand up or sit up. I can't even sit up? Yeah. Wow. And so then he's like, I'll have to be put... Without it, I'll have to be put into first class. So I can lay down.

So I can lay down. If you take this box on me, you'll have no choice. But you're as good as an upgrade. so I can lay down. If you take this box on me you'll have no choice but that's you're as good as up that's as good as an upgrade. Is that what you want to do? You gotta go and tell the captain are you? I'm bringing this on to help you. I don't want to have to be in first class. I promise you I'm a man of the people. I've just got this giant box. Just a giant. I don't know why I'm picturing a black box. Oh he's just carrying a giant box on an aeroplane. He's like you can't have a plane without a black box.

I don't know why he's trying. That just his second much weaker angle that he tries. I mean, are either of them true? Does he have a different agenda? Does he have it in? Yeah, I think it's what he uses when they say, well, we just won't let you onto the flight, right? Ah, yeah. Because at first he's like, I just need to let you onto the flight, right? Because the first he's like I just need to bring this giant box on or else and because I need it to keep standing or being upright

You know and if not, then I have to be in first class and then what they said well The pilot says that we We won't let you on the plane to go. Well, you can't have a plane without a black box We won't let you on the plane. He goes, well you can't have a plane without a black box. And then he gets out an aviation safety rule book that says, that specifically states it is forbidden to remove the black box from an airplane except in an emergency recovery scenario and he is able to using nothing but the power of logic and then when they say well we already have one and then he says well show it to me show me the one and then

he points out that it's not actually coloured black and then he's got them over a black box. He's got them banged to rights and then they actually have to make him captain because he's defeated the captain in an argument. He's using perfect logic. I would like to challenge the captain. Not many people know that you actually have a right to challenge the captain for the captaincy of the...

and if you challenge him, he has to accept He or she has to accept the challenge. That's the captain's oath. It's from back in the day of sailing when we were when we were maritime but the rules still applies to all captains that you can challenge them to a sword fight. I think that's really... or a kiss-off. Yeah a kiss-off and then you get a lineup of all the hottest people in the in the plane. You get the five hottest people or you get a lineup of all the hottest people in the plane. You get the five hottest people, or you get the 10 hottest people so that you each get five.

And then, and it's not just a kiss off, it's not just quality, but it's also a race. Oh, okay. Yep, yep. And you line them up in the aisle. It's gotta have, so there's two aisles usually on a big plane. So usually this only works on a big plane.

And then you gotta walk along and you gotta pass people. And then they have to say, okay, I feel aroused before you're allowed to move on to the next person. They have to take off their trousers, their clothes, reveal their front genital. Reveal their true genital. Their one true genital. Do you think there really is only one true gentle on each person? How do you feel about all the other erogenous zones?

Do you think that they are pretenders to the crown? Oh, I, you know what, now hearing you say this, Andy, I realise that you would definitely think that all erogenous zone zones are bullshit because you don't believe that being touched can be can feel nice. Can feel good yeah that's true. Hades and Nehruldet is Joam's own truther. As a massage skeptic, I believe that... uh, that all...

touch, all forms of touch is a... is a fraud, is a deception. They're lying to us! They're lying to us with their hands. This doesn't feel good. You think it feels good. You're being tricked. I picture you yelling this through the hole in a massage table.

Yeah. Maybe on a stage or in front of a court. I think in front of a court. I think in front of a court. Your Honour, I would like to call my client to the massage table and this is you. You may approach the bench, the massage bench. And then they bring a professional masseuse, maybe the best one, like, you know, they find the top masseuse, they find the big kahuna, the big kahuna burger of masseuses, and they get him to massage you, or her. I'm not saying that the best has to be a man.

I think that the fact that there is a form of massage that doesn't involve touching the person, or is that what Reiki is? You don't actually touch the person. I think that is actually evidence. I think that helps my case immensely. The fact that you can get the same, the exact same effects without the touching component. I think it's an open and shut case, to be honest, Your Honour.

Well, maybe I didn't mean open and shut and quite the way you thought I meant. Sorry, referencing shows that we've done. Another reference to another show. Another triumph. Yes. How do you feel about this idea, Alistair? I mean, I genuinely love this. It's a guy in a court case. This, I mean, I picture you, but it's a guy who doesn't... He's taken the concept of massage to court for fraud and I

don't think he's winning Andy I think he is I think he's he's he succeeds in making all the masseurs have to go to jail. I think the great part is when then the pardon me the prosecution then calls the judge to the massage bench. The judge himself. The judge himself and all 12 members of the jury. mmm yeah okay no I mean unless it's good when he has to take off his robe and lie down yeah I guess you'd be really happy if you got a judge if you got a judge first at first maybe you can't do the jury but you get you get a judge and you're like oh great it's that's you know Vanderbilt he uh he detests being touched he doesn't even like it if you approach the bench I I

wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't some sort of secret society of judges some sort of thing that they get up to behind the scenes where they take off their robes they lie down on the bench and they sort of pound each other up and down the back with their gavels for some sort of sexual release. Also, I think if you were going to genetically engineer a person with some sheep DNA, a judge would be the perfect subject. You could genetically engineer so they can just grow that hair and not have to have a wig. That would be good actually. That would be a great start.

A good place where you could test these things. You could experiment on them. Out in the open. Not all this hiding like you have to do with other genetic experiments. That's right. Go to China and things like that. Well, forget it. For some reason, I was just picturing

when you were talking about the judge on the bench, and I know I have to wrap this up, but, I was picturing that the bailiff was doing the hammering. Oh yeah. But I was picturing that everywhere a judge goes they always have their bailiff to just do their dirty work. Yeah. You know? I think like a buddy cop movie where it's a judge, bad judge. I like the sound of a judge who doesn't do everything by the book. But damn it, he gets, does he get results? Maybe, yeah. But damn it, he censors a lot of people to death.

I mean, because yeah, these days that is a category of like YouTube content where it's like, it's a judge making judgments. You know, and like, you know, somebody will come and contest like a parking ticket or something like that, or a speeding ticket. And then the judge will be like, so tell me what happened. And they'll be like, yeah, you you know what I'll waive it you know and but yeah that's interesting isn't it mmm the American legal system I don't know what it's like I don't really don't know what it's like over here yeah but over there a lot of discretion a lot of attitude you know the's personality seemed to be a pretty big part of whatever the fucking system is.

Absolutely. It doesn't... But I think to have a version of that, but where it's like a judge making really bad decisions, and he's putting it online for scrutiny. Yeah. But he's just like, you know what? Now I'm doubling it. I'm doubling the speed and thing. I don't like the smell of you. Anyway, Andy, I'm gonna wrap this

up. Thank you so much Smellasarius. Thank you Smellasarius. I'm sure that's the sketch you were imagining when you said those words. And by the the way when I said that they inspired less ideas than anything I'd ever heard I mean that is a compliment. Oh, yeah. I think it's exciting. It's thrilling and it's um It's the stuff like that that gives life meaning. So thank you. Oh, absolutely I think I've grown in wisdom Just upon just from the moment. I heard them to the moment. I die. I think it will be I've grown in wisdom, just from the moment I heard them to the moment I die. I think it will be...

I've grown in height. ...gross. Eh? I've grown in height. I put on a full inch. Yeah, oh yeah. Not just wisdom. Length.

I've put on girth around my whole body. Oh, okay. Yeah, cool. Around each of my fingers. It's wider. Yeah, there's... I've got rid of my fingers. It's wider. Yeah, there's I've I've got I've got rid of my finger gap now. It's just all the way across

I've lost the need for bones you've stiffened my muscles We got we got more Aussie G's Yeah, that's where we actually we're actually it's actually less Aussie other letters, but you get it we got the preset a preset up comedy show where you listen to all the all the all the setups before and then you can get the color the live comedy show done with by just doing punch lines. Then we have the aftermarket punch lines and or setup comedy show. This is where you use... Maybe you could even have like a sort of a freemium model where like your subscribers,

they get a few extra setups before the show. They have more time to mull over them. They get a sort of a pre-release Early access to some of the setups. Yeah, and then sometimes you do a joke at the end where you go Monkey barrel, you know, you'll get that one on the way home And then there's actually a setup that you have to listen to on the way home Yeah, or you've built a you've taken out a billboard on the side of the road. They drive past That's really good. That's really good.

If they're going in the right direction, obviously. Well, you've bought a billboard in every direction. Whoa. They can't leave this town, and it's a one-theater town. No residential buildings. A lot of billboards. A lot of billboards. A lot of roads out of town. A one theatre town. There's no residential stuff. There's no other commercial or industrial stuff, but a lot of

roads and there's a huge billboard budget too. A big theatre. A big theatre, yeah. board budget too. Big theatre. Big theatre yeah. We've got the clock orchestra that really includes stuff like the bass clock and possibly like a timpani clock and obviously Melodys clocks like a piano clock. We've got the animals you can crowd surf like sheep. Did you say Mellodus? Yeah, I did say Mellodus. Is that a word? Andy, if you make it up and somebody understands what you mean, it's a word.

Well then it's not a word. Fuck off, fuck off. Oh, I'm sorry Alastair. We've got the sheep wool pub engineering. Which leads to of course the milf and sheep's clothing. Yep. It's interesting because we're actually specifically trying to breed sheep that don't have hair in that area. Yeah, right. Right? Like

they're going to a lot of lengths to to get sheep that are whose bum, butt and genital area is nice and bald. Really? Naturally hairless so that they don't have to worry about flystrike and dags and stuff. Yeah right. You're opening yourself up to fly strike, that's all I'm saying. Yeah, that's why you wear pants. And not fly strike like you had in, there's something about Mary. Oh yeah, or like the one that you had in the great, in the great fly industrial action yeah then we have of course the

Russian Psyop step relative porn situation that's a good sketch idea we We have the, what does it say? The airplane box. Oh yes. The airplane box. The guy who says it's keeping him upright, or else he has to go into first class if he can't bring on his giant box. It's his vertical support box. I mean, it's just funny to me any idea that involves somebody getting onto a plane and complaining a lot and being really annoying. Yeah. It's because everyone's so tense and stressed and it's such a scary thing to do these days, just like the takeoff and landing and the, is this person going to be a psycho?

And as soon as anybody arcs up, you know, you're just oh god the unpleasantness But for them to be writing about is this big box they brought on That they try to use to get leverage to get to first class in the dumbest way possible is It's really pretty good. Yeah We've got the captain Mutiny kiss-off. Mm-hmm. Of course. And then we have the erogenous sewn truther and the massage court case that he's put together against massage.

It's very good. I think a lot of solid sketch ideas today. What a selection. As solid as your muscles have become, Alastair, now that you no longer require bones. Oh mate, I'm no longer a bone. I'm no longer anchored by the bone. A slave. A slave to the bone.

I was using them as a crutch. Anchored by the bone. A slave. A slave to the bone. I was using them as a crutch. Not anymore. Now I can stand on my own two leg muscles. My own two feet cartilage. On my own two bent rubbery legs. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thank you so much for listening to anything tank show a sketch idea you guys are the best thank you for the best podcast

Selling Alistair. Thank you for recording this podcast with me. Thank you for getting up so early Thank you for staying late if it is a M. I don't know Six twenty two a sure I think it that I think it's midday. It's probably technically midday That I can people can find my location Maybe they can narrow down. Yeah, although but they don't know what time we're actually recording so no They can't I'm telling him what time it is recording. I'm recording at 623 a.m. yeah yeah sure but find me no they won't be able to work it out I mean they'll be able to work it out based on us telling them that you're in Montreal Canada yeah Oh Andy don't give it away

Yeah. Oh Andy, don't give it away. Um, alright, Andy? The Baker's USA is what I call it. Yeah. Canada? That's right. You know, it's funny, this is one last thing, but like, there was, did you see that article that was like, in a bit of symbolism, a Canadian goose has beat a bald eagle in a fight.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was fucking cool actually. I felt really great reading it Yeah, I am Yeah, I mean if that even if that's all we get I mean, that's a good news type of news story Oh Is yeah symbol symbolic animal fights?

is symbolic animal fights. Deeply symbolic. I mean it's fucking good and I wouldn't be surprised, I genuinely wouldn't be surprised if that didn't have a pretty big effect on the future of the world, that animal fight. Just because I think genuinely, it made me feel patriotic. Yeah, it's nice country I don't come from anyway and we love you bye bye bye bye bye bye bye