Two In The Think Tank - 467 - "YOUNG PROMISING STABBER"

Episode Date: March 12, 2025

Pants Illustrated: https://www.instagram.com/pants.illustrated?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==Andy's appearance on "Unconventional Pathways" https://open.spotify.com/episode/13Vvnv8E0ws4mHOQV1JTLS?si=QbBr7oIySE-ESOYeruvScgAndy's appearance on Pitch Bleak on Youtube: https://youtu.be/grK7kSL_T2g?si=sVX-s1mhXx9ZhQDfThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly. I host a fun podcast called Under the Influence, where I analyze how advertising affects your life. Like, why does that ad you hate so much sell the most products? And what's the story behind the most famous Superbowl ads? Apple chose our show as one of the best listens of the year. Under the Influence. Listen ad free on Amazon Music included with Prime at

amazon.com slash under the influence pod. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com You've got to clean the pipes, clean the pipes in the morning. Hello and welcome to the Think Tech show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William. That you as the listener.

I can't believe you spoke over every single one of my names and there's a lot. I can't get a name in Edgeways around here. How's anybody supposed to know who the fuck I am I had all this fucking redundancy built into my name Just so that this wouldn't happen so that at the end the event of some unexpected noise I'd still have enough names for my identity to be undeniable Yeah to be decipherable Under that is just that's just you know, I'm is just, you know? You know what, this means I'm gonna have to add another name, Andy.

Every time you speak over me, I add another name. Andy, that was a one in one hundred year name speaking over event. And that means I'm gonna have to now design my name for an even more obscene name-speaking over event. You know what is a great trope that I don't think gets used enough for comedy? The old, every hour we kill a hostage until we get our demands. You know? That's true. Yeah. we kill a hostage until we get our demands you know yeah like if what's a

way that we can put a fresh twist on that beautiful old old friend how can we twist our friend every second I mean if they're serious why why is it every hour that just gives the the squads enough time to get you know to get a plan in action. Well I guess you can you can you can set it higher depending on how much money the people need to gather. Mmm that's true and if you wanted to make it, if you wanted to increase the incentive, you could just be like, you keep the time the same,

the hour intervals, but then you just increase the number of hostages. So you could say every hour we, you know, that passes, we'll kill 60 hostages. Yeah, that's true. And that way you don't, you're- That's the same as saying you kill one a minute. That passes will kill 60 hostages And that way you don't you're saying you kill one a minute Yeah, yeah, that's true. And then you also get you get like 59 minutes off you get breaks you get breaks Because you got to think about it as a classic, it's a classic employee,

employer relationship when you think about it. What does the employer want out of you? They want the hostages alive. Okay, what do you want out of it? You. You. Money. You want money, okay. So this is sounding more and more just like you're an employer,

you have a duty of care to me, but also the other people in this environment, the hostages, we have a financial relationship. Okay? That's right. Yes, it's the gig economy. Yes, this is an unconventional form of that. But I think if we took this to the Fair Work Commission, and you know, you, I'm sure you've got very good lawyers, but I have kidnapped the children of some very good lawyers. So we'll see how this plays out in court. I think they would say that yes you have that duty to me and you should be when I asked for 11 million dollars in used $20 notes I

think that you should be adding superannuation to that. You see I worry that I worry that back in like maybe I don't worry about this I think that's good. Thank you. Do I think that's good. I, do you think that there was a time, you know, when we weren't under this capitalistic hell hole of a system? Under a hell hole. You know, when, under a hole. Let's get back to that soon.

Uh. I mean, cause if we were under a hell hole, I think you're in hell, right? Because the hell hole usually is between hell and the mortal realm. So if you're under a hell hole... But probably hell is the base of the hole. If you're under the hole, you're sort of like in another hole. Well it depends.

It depends on whether or not it's like a hole in the roof. You know, if you put a hole in the roof of a house, as we would all commonly call that, a household, would you say that the whole house is now a hole? Well look, I think that if there's like a... they've put in a floor of the hole and then there's like a little door on the hole on the floor hole the whole floor that you can then enter hell through yeah I would say then hell isn't part of the hole but if the if the hole goes all the way down if the hole goes all the way to hell hmm and and it's just an open hole that goes into hell then I think that maybe hell is a hole

Mmm, not the whole I disagree Nobody said it was the whole hole Didn't say the whole All right, I was there sorry you were gonna say something you explicitly asked not to be no But I was just I was just trying to say do you think any people have ever? You know instead of just doing it for money, taking hostages and killing them in exchange for money, do you think people would ever do it for nice experiences?

You know? Do it for nice experiences. You know, like, we'll kill them unless until somebody has a really nice home-cooked meal with us. Well they do often ask for pizzas. They often ask for pizzas. Isn't that interesting? You know that's often part of the part of like you know and isn't that we never again we never talk about this what What a great ad for pizza. You know?

Yeah, it's so easy. It's like they don't want to put anybody out. They just they just get us something easy. Yeah, that you can eat with your hands. That you can eat with your hands while holding a gun to the head of a a lawyer's child. Um, so but yeah, you know, but you're, they should do it asking for experiences. You're right. And I think probably as this is what you were saying, isn't it before in a time before capitalism? Is that how they would have interacted? Yeah, you know, or, or I guess if we go to the basic idea, you know, you, you, we're asking for payment, right? We're asking for, we're asking for a fish, right?

But could we capture these people's children or these people and kill them every hour, kill some every hour in exchange for being taught how to fish? Yeah. So that we can, you know, so that Yeah. It's a really good idea. Why hold up the bank and force them to give you all the money in the bank when you could hold up the bank and force them to teach you how they made a bank? How to make money. Then you would have your own bank. Then you'd be able to get the money over and over again. It's just this one off thing. It's such a good idea Alastair. I'm not trying to rob the bank,

I'm trying to rob the information from the bankers on how to run a bank so that I can be like you them. I've realized where the true value lies and I want a bank with a really good culture okay. That's right. That's not important. No. Really because what it is it's sort of interesting it's this it's almost the the hostages once you're in that situation and as bankers, you know I haven't seen this explored either but they must realize in that time if they're asking for 20 million dollars Say or they'll kill these ten hostages Is it interesting that I don't know why by the way in my scenario I've fucked this up a bit because they're in a bank Yeah, I think they they've got into a bank and they're not using the bank to get the money in my

mind. They've just taken hostages and now they're asking people outside the bank to bring them $20 million. It's not as though... They haven't thought this through, the guys. Okay? Maybe the $20 million that they want is inside the bank. Now the people on the outside are saying well We'd love to get you the money, but but it's in the bank. You're in the bank

We can't get in there to get the money and I say well, that's that's not my problem. That's your problem Yeah, that's your problem. Um, have you locked yourself in the vault? And now they can't they can't get the money in yeah That's the flip side of the vault. That's the flip side of the vault. Oh, you can't get things out, but you also can't get things in. Can't get things in. Who's the real money now? I imagine that taking the bank, like going into the bank and taking hostages to to force to force the

government to save the bank struggling the bank you're worried the bank is going under or struggling a bit yeah Maybe you have shares in the bank and you're like it's not turning enough of a profit. You ask for 20 million dollars, they give it to you, you take it, you just take it downstairs, you wheel it into the vault, you lock it up again, you say thank you very much. Thank you. That should help you. On your merry way and it is a merry way. Very merry. I mean. You're Santa Claus. You are Santa. You live in one of those one of those sort of towns that has like I mean Andy this doesn't feel that far from the truth but like you sort of live in one of those towns now where

everybody dresses up old-timey and pretends that like it's still the gold rush era Right, but you know that that is the main tourist attraction in this town Yes, when you say that okay, right? Yeah when I say that like your town still It lives off of the the history of it being a gold rush town. Yeah, And what is there no gold left? Oh no there's still a working gold mine here but I don't know if it's diminishing returns I don't know I don't know they don't keep us updated you don't hear the don't hear the cries of Eureka coming over the hills every time they find a new granule of gold embedded in wouldn't there be some under your house?

Well, it's possible. I think so much of the land around here has been worked over. Like pretty much every square inch of Ballarat has been, you know, dug up and shit. But what I wanted to say before is that the, if you've got hostages in a bank, these people, they deal with money, they deal with financial transactions all the time.

They understand assets more than anybody, the people in the bank, the bank employees. They'll see the value of those hostages and they'll see that they have, maybe this is their dream, they have themselves become money. Each of those hostages now represents, you know, say you've got 10 hostages, they each represent 2 million dollars and I wouldn't be surprised if those bankers working in the bank in that situation start to, now this is its own entirely new economy,

now this is this is its own entirely new economy you know they they might start trading themselves oh you know with that with with other with other sort of hostage takers possibly yeah you know but you could maybe get exchanged to a hostage situation closer to your home well the more convenient location people are better working conditions. There's sort of a bit of prospecting going on. People think that, you know, well it seems like here you're worth two million, so if they can get a million dollars just for selling themselves to this place where they think that they can get two million dollars. So let's say he escapes from the bank, you know, where they're being held hostage and

he goes and sells himself to some hostages saying, well, they're going to get two million for me. So if you pay for one million, that's a million profit for you straight there right in your pocket. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. This is a great deal for you

You gotta get in now. You gotta get in there hostage trading You know that's probably one of the guys he works in the bank, and he's probably he's a finance guy. He's yeah He's realized I would love to see that I would love to say I'd love to see Finance guys yeah. Taking hostage. Oh yeah, and succeeding. Andy, you know, like remember how one time when we were younger we were involved in starting a business and you know there's like two types of businesses and there's some where if the business collapses then nobody is responsible has to pay any of that money right yeah it's just but then there's the other type of business where if the business collapses all the people

who started the business are responsible for yeah paying on why did we start that one why didn't we start one of the ones where nobody was responsible? That feels like that's the better one to do. Yeah. Yeah. Ironically, it feels like the responsible course of action. Yeah. Yeah. action. Yeah, yeah. And then the second question is, why don't you ever hear about new banks?

Yeah. Could we just start a bank? Well, the crazy thing is, I think that like, the reason banks exist is because we give them all our money. Yeah. You've talked about this on the podcast before. So I think once upon a time banks were, oh man it's a nightmare managing all this money, can you look after it for me? Right? I just don't want to have the cash in my house basically. And they'd be like yeah okay and then you give them all your money and then they say hey can we use this money? Well we got got it. And so the bank starts using the money. And then you're like, wait, that doesn't seem fair. And they're like, OK, what if we give you

a tiny little bit of money? What if we just rent your money, basically, by giving you a tiny little bit of money? And then you're like, oh, OK. But we're going to charge you fees to look after, so you know unless you have heaps of money unless you give us heaps of money You're probably gonna still lose money on this deal of giving us all your money but then also It's okay because you can also borrow money from us, and then we were like oh that sounds good, but we will

because you can also borrow money from us. And then we were like, oh, that sounds good. But we will, you'll rent it from us. But, but, but, oh, but you will have to, like the amount you have to pay to rent money from us is gonna be way more than the amount that we pay to rent the money from you. We were like, oh, okay, I guess you have got all the money. And then so they had, they had heaps of money

and now they are a bank so they can sort of lend money and stuff. If we were to start a bank now we would only be in the phase of hey can you give us all your money. Well yeah but still at least you don't need that much upfront capital because you're like you guys just give me your money and for the time being, I could just put it into my bank account. Yeah. So they don't even know, but I'm starting a bank and I'm just storing it all in another bank. Yeah.

Yeah. Right? Because it doesn't really cost me that much. It only costs me like, and the fact is actually, the more money I have, the better the deal they'll give me in my bank account. Yeah, and you can pass that on to your customers. I could pass on those savings.

It'll probably be cheaper than running my own bank. I think that would be a funny thing to find out that one of the big four banks wasn't a real bank. They'd just been putting the money into one of the other banks and telling everybody that they were a bank. I mean what what are they? What even is a bank? I don't even understand it's like when there's no physical bank like you know I think either there's like a bank here that is like orange or something like

that maybe they have that in Australia. We have ING that they're a colored orange and I yeah well they're entirely a digital bank yeah right so that can just be like I just got another bank account and I'm just putting that money in there yeah and you just got to be good at keeping you know keeping keeping track of all the money which I think with my with my system okay so basically just send me an email to say how much money you're putting into the bank. You've got money, how much money you've got left. I will leave that email on unread until you come and ask me for some money back.

Then I will open up the email. I'll see how much money you gave me and see if that's more or less the amount of money that you took And it's all yeah, and sometimes I might have opened up the emails to check just how much you said That doesn't mean your body has disappeared Yeah, I will remember To check that that one was that is technically unread that email Is there is there any?

It's the system. This is like, it's a little bit like, let's sort of a pyramid scheme, but I'm not trying to make a ton of money. I'm not promising people big returns. I'm just promising I'll hold onto your money. Is there any sketch in starting a bank? I don't know. Yeah, of course Alastair there's a sketch. I mean, sort of what we just described.

Yeah, okay. To me, you know. There's a guy with a bad system. Doesn't have to be a guy with, like, well yeah, I think it would be a bad system. Right, I mean for comedy's sake. Unless, you know, look, let's look at it the other way. Let's give it a chance, Alistair. Yeah.

Where a guy decides to start a bank, and it's more of a, is it going to be more satirical? Are we going to use this as a chance to point out some of those flaws in the system that we just explored. Yeah, I wonder, I think maybe here there is a thing that says like how many transactions you're allowed to do where you're allowed to take out money. So maybe that's like, they're like, we know you all want to start banks from your bank.

That's what that's for. Yeah, so we put that in there so you can't start your own bank from our bank. We know what you're up to. What it is is it's a parasitic bank. A small parasitic bank has formed within the bank as using the host bank to... Oh, he's running an entire banking system from one bank account. Because I mean, deep down, theirs must just be one bank account, really. Like, I know that they're letting us look at just one account, right? That's really interesting. What it is, is it's a little hole.

Not to bring it back to holes again. They have a big, a big, big, um, a big sort of swollen bladder full of money, but we, each of us, we don't have an account. We have a little hole that we're allowed to reach through. And we can only see, see, you know, yeah, we can only, we can only take what's within arm's reach of the hole. Yeah, yeah, that's right. And we all have different sized arms. That's right. And, you know, maybe big, slightly bigger holes, depending on how much money you have. Because then you can see a bit more, you know. See a bit more, move your arm and your elbow around a bit to reach more money on either side of the hole.

Maybe they let the hole closer to your eye so you can get a wider girth of vision. Girth of vision, yes. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The visionary girth. The hole's really close to your eye, you get that full V thing. But if, like, but let's say it's one of those holes that's like, you know, like, like, let's say, you know, like, like, let's say, you know, sometimes I'm trying to picture a thing where this is, but like, where you put money in, you know, where it's, let's say it's like a door, like a slot in a door

for mail. Yeah. Like that. But for some reason, the hole is like indented deep into the wall. And so you can't get your head right up against the hole. They've kind of created a space too small and then the hole's there and then you open the flap and you can't quite see, you can only see like a thin, like a slit, you can only see through the slit.

Now I mean this is a, this to me is a good metaphor for our current capitalist system, right? With things like Instagram, with this flaunting of ostentatious displays of wealth, Alastair, it feels like, you know, once upon a time we couldn't get our eyes all that close to the hole. So the amount of wealth out there possessed by other people, it was a limited amount that we could see. We could only reach a certain amount based on the length of our arms, right?

But also we could only see a certain amount based on the narrow field of view. Now, our eye is very close to the whole. We can see the broad swath of wealth that people possess. There's a sub, I've got more to say on that, but for now. Okay, good. However, our arm is no longer. Our arm hasn't got any longer. And so while our eye is close to the hole, our arm can still only reach so much, and thus we are unsatisfied.

This is my diagnosis of the modern malaise. My whole in a giant bladder full of money based diagnosis. Now what I would say though. What words do you think I should write down for that? Ah the whole place diet may not the bladder hole based malaise diagnosis That's something for future Andy and Alistair to unearth and wonder at. And wonder what the fuck was that? But, uh, Alistair, what is interesting? What is interesting is that, um, I think that while we have, see these ostentatious displays of wealth, uh. They're still only material things that we see.

The wealth we see on display is physical objects. And well firstly there are those who, why don't we criticise those who have ostentatious displays of spiritual wealth? I mean I find that equally repulsive. What about the people who are so healthy in their souls that they don't need lots of physical objects to be happy? I find that to be a flaunting of its own that I... And they also seem so calm during sort of like a wild, you know, disruptive times.

Indeed. But yours is more about just minimalism and seeing like nothing, you know, somebody who can sit there with a bowl, an empty bowl, and wait for some donations of rice. When I see, when I'm scrolling Instagram and I see that, I am repulsed by that, yes, by that flaunting. But also, I think that seeing all that money and stuff out there, gold, private jets, I think that is still a shield a smoke screen for the fucking insane wealth of people of billionaires right because their wealth goes so far beyond having those physical objects into being able to shape fucking reality. And like someone like Elon Musk,

like golden jewels and fucking Lamborghinis, that's not his wealth. No. His wealth is he can shape everybody's fucking reality. In the world that we all live in he can define what happens for everybody and you can't capture that in an Instagram post and that's because like you just can't there's a billion dollars is just

so much money that you you can't even take a photo that captures it all I mean I guess even the one where it's like there's that you can't even take a photo that captures it all. I mean, I guess even the one where it's like, there's that you can see those those fucking Starlink satellites in the sky. As they go past. Yeah. And that it's like,

like he's rich enough that he can ruin the night sky. Yeah. I got that ruin the night sky money. I'm talking fuckhead. The ancient vistas that sustained the spiritual hearts of our ancestors. I'm talking fuck that shit up money. That's what I'm talking about. Like you don't know what stars anymore kind of money. I'm gonna take that concept. Like I've ruined astronomy kind of money.

Like one of the sciences doesn't quite function as well anymore. We have to have space telescopes now. To see, try and see past Yeah, no, that's good money that is a good amount of money That's like that's much more than fuck you money is that That's not just being a baller that's being a ball you near That's right. That is being a ball you near Andy Would it be crazy

He's got so many balls Imagine that imagine not two testicles, but imagine like a mass mound Right a sort of it looks like Yeah, yeah, it looks like a swollen pomegranate. Imagine that if instead of testicles in there you had two vaginas inside your bag. Wow. Like a full detached but like full vulva in there but two in like a ball form.

Like if it was made by Apple like like the air pods so you mean yeah but they're in there in the place of testicles yep but how rich he is yeah but what are they accessible no right so does he just rub them together there just know they're just bling oh they're just bling. Oh wow. They're just bling. It's because he could. Yeah, I mean, this is what I'm talking about. This is exactly what I'm talking about. That kind of wealth that we can't see

because it's hidden inside his own ball back. Yeah. But also, it's nice to know, it's nice to know though, that, you know, just from looking at him, that there's only so much that money can do mmm You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah that you like you still as you age you still look progressively more and more like a frog

Yeah, like I'm more like a frog you can look like a pale Just like a pale so and so you frog itso. Cave frog. It doesn't make you funny. It doesn't make you nice. Is that, yeah. Is that sort of like, cause you can sort of buy beauty to a certain extent. I think some, but I think you gotta be working with something pretty good already.

Yeah, yeah. You know, like, I mean, I think he's better than he was, you know, like, like I think he's, he's kind of managed to make himself look a little bit more together. I think he was probably used to kind of look dweebier. I don't know, I saw a video of him being interviewed about 10 years ago, and he actually looked kind of handsome. Like when, but I mean there was a peak, I think there was a peak, he had his,

when he'd had his hair done, but he hadn't started to sort of melt in the way that he has, there was a little peak there where you're like, pretty good, pretty good, would. Yeah, I think for most people, that right now is the best you're gonna, like you're not gonna look better than this going forward for most people. And even if in five years time you got some surgery done, I think that you will not look better

than you looked five years ago. Yeah, I think you're probably right. Yeah, unless, I don't know why, I've got so much hope from this one video. There's like this bodybuilder guy who is like a professor of like you know fitness and things like that anyway he's some some guy anyway and he I was sometimes a lot of his stuff comes up and he critiques like the workouts of you know famous people and

various things and he's not a professor he's a professor he's a now I'm sure that's already a phrase out there in the discourse but yes there's a brofessor. He's a brofessor. Now, I'm sure that's already a phrase out there in the discourse, but this is new to me. He's also, I don't know if that is the case, but he's also quite a funny guy. But anyway, he was like, if, like you know, he was talking about like longevity and stuff like that, and he was sort of saying like,

if you can do your best to live till like 2035, because with everything that's going on in sort of biotech and medicine and stuff like that, he's like, there's a good chance that by 2035 we're going to be on top of this whole sort of aging thing and we might be able to reverse like, you know, a lot of stuff for the average person. Wow. I mean I wouldn't mind some of that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean it's gonna be hard to say no but it's also gonna be you know the planet's gonna be in a much worse

state. Isn't it crazy that we're doing, that both are happening at the same time. Yeah I mean the plan will be in a worst state. I think there will be rules there if anything like that happens there will be rules of like You know like people can't have kids anymore Or there's like a limit to like one kid and then they'll be like and then they'll be there like the next generation They'll be like you guys actually aren't allowed to have kids Mmm, yeah kids so that what you can do is you can adopt each other you know and

you can take it in turns being the mom and dad well people will still die as we've discussed even if you're immortal people will still die of decapitation and so and so it'll be like a one out one in kind of situation. Yeah, yeah. Oh quick somebody else has been decapitated on a waterslide. Oh thank you. And everybody around them starts fucking, fucking like crazy. Like even as the head is still falling, bouncing off the upper uppermost struts of the waterslide supporting structure, people are pulling down their pants and beginning to fornicate.

And bashing them up against any genital they can find. Just the sound of a head being torn from its body is going to cause instant erections. That'll be enough. That's all we need. The instant erections. The instant erections. Acas powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

Howdy gumshoes, I'm part-time detective Trevor Campbell. And I'm your secretary, Ruby 3000. Thanks Ruby, I got this. The biggest case of my career has just landed on my desk, and I need your help. You just said you didn't need me. I'm talking to the listener. But I'm the only one here. No, Ruby, I'm recording an ad.

Is that why you're in the broom closet? Can you two shut the door please? Okay, where was I doing? And I need your help! The mystery? What on earth is making everybody queer? Listen to Queer-ial wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Thursday.

Only on the Shonar Network. I was gonna say that. And now you don't have to. Real cute. Hey, remind me how I put you in sleep mode. Hey, remind me how I put you in sleep mode. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. ...cautions caused by the sound of decaying death. Now that'll be nice and easy to decipher in the future. Now Alastair, before we started recording the podcast,

we were talking about something that brought us enough joy to spark some life into our cold dead hearts, provided the activation energy for us both to say, alright, let's start the podcast can you remember what it was now we were talking about okay wait it was two two word sentences you said I said I was talking about two word phrases or something like that. And then you were like, interesting that the phrase, two word phrases actually has three words.

That's right. And then I was like, well, even crazier is the perfect two word sentence, the perfect two word sentence has five! Yes, yes. And then I said, how funny, I think it's proof of the non-existence of God that the sentence... Sorry, sorry Andy. That you can, that the phrase, or the sentence, this is a perfect two word sentence, contains six words. I mean, what more do you need? Like all those people who are...

It was proof that there is no God. Yeah. And there's that proof for the existence of God that says, well, God is a perfect being. You can imagine a perfect being. Now, surely a perfect being that exists is a perfect being. You can imagine a perfect being. Now surely a perfect being that exists is more perfect than a perfect being that doesn't exist and therefore God must exist. If you can imagine a perfect being then he must exist and that is God. Which which I think I just love it. I love, I love the arrogance. It's not quite arrogance. It's naive. It's a beautiful naive optimism of an ancient theologian who's like, I've done it. I've come up with a sentence that proves God exists. My little words, I came up with a little word game and that made prove that God is real. It's, oh, I want to give them a cuddle and say, oh good on you,

you must feel so good. But the fact that we, I feel we can disprove not only the distance of God, but of any sense of justice or logic in the universe. With our, this is a perfect six word, two word sentence. Two word sentence. Being. Having seven words. I think perfect proof that there could be no God, because how would he let that happen? Exactly.

How would he let such a thing happen? And he is a man, and he is a man and he is a man what wouldn't he and it is a he wouldn't he make that a two-word sentence exactly perfect two-word sentence if he loved us if he loved us he wouldn't put us through this. Would he let this happen? Would he let his reality be besmirched in this way? Unless that sentence was written by Satan. Who is a woman by the way.

I believe Satan is a woman. I am a feminist. I believe Satan is a woman. Nobody's out there saying that. Oh, that's true. But Satan should have the right to be a woman. If women could be anything. They should be able to be the Dark Lord,

the embodiment of true evil. Until a woman can be Satan, we will not have achieved true equality. I think that there's even a possibility that Satan is an even rarer minority. Oh wow. Which one? Which one? Let me get my lips around that word. Oh my goodness! I don't know Andy, I just thought it was initially things. Yeah, no. Do you think that we should go to three words from a listener?

Yeah, I do. I think we have a responsibility. N-ay, uh, anopis, tunability. Now Andy, I am not a hundred sure how to pronounce this name yet. But the first name, I think I've got it, Katie. And the second word is either Stachow or Statue. Wow. Katie Statue. Yeah.

Is Statue your name? I probably said that last time? Andy, I don't think you've ever had, you've ever said it before. Because I think this is Katie's first set of words. And after that, maybe the last. Katie, welcome and thank you. And if that was enough to turn you off, goodbye. But thank you for being here. Yeah, but a warm goodbye, not like a good riddance. Fondest. It was a warm goodbye. Great riddance, you know?

At the very least, a room temperature goodbye. Now, Andy, Katie has sent in three words from a listener. I've read the email,, doesn't say whether or not, who, which listener, but that's fine. Yeah, I mean, we're getting, to be honest, we're getting a little used to it by now. We're getting used to people not seeming to care. And maybe that says, yeah, Yeah, maybe it says something about

What society's come to kind of people we we attract? Yes, and we do attract them. Yes Andy would you like to try to guess what the first word is? Baba ganoush No, Andy no Um, Baba Ghanoush? Uh, no Andy, no. That is very much more of a food word, whereas this one is more mechanical. The first word is clippers. Clippers? Okay. Yeah.

Well, I don't have much to go on, so I'm gonna go slippers. Oh, let me check. No Andy no Andy very wrong the second word is Lippers Right and just and in brackets. It's been clarified as in animal mating season. Oh My goodness. Yeah, okay Not the groove not plowing a groove you're plowing a hoof Clippers rut and he has disappeared Look

liproscopy liproscopy check why Andy has Disappeared I wouldn't be surprised if it was because lost power Laproscopy? I was going to check why Andy has disappeared. I wouldn't be surprised if it was because I lost power. Oh my goodness gracious. Did you lose power or something? No, I lost no such thing. Oh, your sound went away.

Yeah, yeah. But thank you for calling me back. The third word I guessed was laproscopy. Lapros, oh, lacroscopy? Laproscopy. Ah, no, okay, you weren't sort of a doctor of the lacrosse. It's not that, Andy. The third word is cougar.

Oh, Clippers Rutkougar, here we go. In brackets it says either the animal or the middle-aged Kim Crawford drinking milk. I love these words, by the way. Just wanna say, I thought I'd been donating to the Red Cross for years, but it turned out I was donating to the Red LaCrosse. Who, yeah, and they go into war zones

and they play sort of a high speed ball on it, the game with a ball on a stick, with what looks like the world's most fucked tennis racket, they do that. Yeah, it's almost sort of like a multiplayer, fast paced ball in a cup. Yeah, it is. To me, it feels more creative because they're using the stick for catching and not just hitting and throwing. They're really using it like another, a long hand.

That's right. They dream of a longer hand. Did you mention lacrosse because it's the national sport of Canada? Really? I think so. Lacrosse is, not ice hockey. Lacrosse. Yeah. It's ice hockey in the winter

and lacrosse in the summer. Wow. Yeah, but I think lacrosse has been popular in Canada since the mid 1800s. And box lacrosse was invented in the 1930s. Is that where they run around with a box? Instead of a thing of a stick? Sort of competitive packaging. All right. I don't know what Box Lacrosse, it's also known as Boxla or Box or Indoor Lacrosse.

I think it's just Indo or Lacrosse. Oh so the box refers to sort of the building that they play it in. It's possible yeah. So yes but Andy we have these wonderful words Clippers, Rutt, Cougars. Clippers now is that there's a there's a speaking of sport there's a football team I believe called the Clippers. Yeah, speaking of sport, there's a football team, I believe, called the Clippers. Yeah. What else is a Clipper other than a thing you'd use to give haircuts? It's a type of ship. A Clipper. A type of ship.

Yeah, it's a very fast trading ship, usually, I believe, with triangular sails. Sort of like when they were starting to move to triangular sails instead of those big square sails that they would have on ye olde pirate ship or something like that. Were they not as good with the triangles better than the... Triangles allow you to sail much closer to the wind, sort of, so you can keep going more or less in the same direction instead of only having to be blown along. Do you think that there could be a shape that would make you sail too close to the wind? Ooh, well, let's see.

We sailed too close to the wind. Swastika-shaped sails? I think you found it. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I think sailing close to the wind doesn't quite do justice to the idea of somebody with a ship with sails in the shape of swastikas. I mean.

That's sailing too close to the sun. Mmm. Yeah, I agree. Yes, like Icarus. Like Nazi Icarus. Nazi Icarus. He swastika too close to the sun. Okay, what about this? This is just looking at the words.

What about a thing where it's a first date with somebody and you give each other haircuts first up date idea It's so nice It's beautiful. I mean, you know some of that small talk you do on a first date I go I guess is is not a million miles from that which You would have with a new hairdresser, a barber. And you know, I guess for men, the true extent of their baldness is often something that would try to hide on a first date, so maybe it's good to really get in there and get that out of the way.

that would try to hide on a first date. So maybe it's good to really get in there and get that out of the way. Well, because also there's a lot of preparation that goes into getting ready for a date. And so some of that could be done on the date. Yeah. The styling. Yes, and some things like,

and all of those are expensive, right? Yeah. So why pay for those and then pay money to have dinner and that sort of thing on the date when you could cut each other's hair on the date and with a beautiful milf. She's... Oh, I mean that's my favorite kind. And you can get ads popping up in your web browser offering local milfs who need haircuts, who want to go on dates in your area. Oh, okay. They'll just... they really want these haircuts. And they pair each other up because one maybe has clippers and the other one has scissors.

You know which you need both to... The two genders. Yeah, the two genders or one has clippers and scissors, the other one has a little mirror that you can show the back of the head with. Sounds good. I mean, but I guess, you know, like, it wouldn't, you know, like, this is not what I would call, this is not the right term for it, but, you know, like, you could do a thing like a, like Greek family dating, right, where, you know, like, or it's like maybe Italian family dating, like where it's not, it's not about the Italian family or the Greek family but it's about the way that like when they have a family like that and somebody's

like a mechanic he does like all the mechanical work for everybody in the family or whatever you know for free of charge yeah no but this like dates where you just you date somebody because of the job that they have and because you've got a job needed to be done. Yeah. Yeah. Let's say you go in, you go, oh, this person is a chef. Well, I'm hungry. That'd be perfect. And I am a computer programmer, you know, or like, you know, and they they might need some, you know, some back end on the website.

And so you meet on the date and you work on each other's stuff. You do each other's back ends. Is this a joke? Cause I've been thinking about this, that one time I feel like the most effective bit of, let's call it like foreplay that I did with it was something was one time when I helped fix

somebody's computer. Right. And that led to sort of an encounter, you know, of the sexual kind, right. And it's kind of intuitive because you think that having good computer skills is actually unattractive to the opposite sex. But I guess I must have turned them off then on again. to the opposite sex but I guess I must have turned them off then on again Halister, bravo. Yeah. So did you go back to their place and... I was already at their place and they were like, oh this freaking thing isn't working. How did you get at their place? Did you go back there? How did you get to their place? Look, I don't have the skills to ever get to somebody's place.

I have to just happen to be there already. Oh, okay. It's the benefits of incumbency. Yeah, you just have to know somebody. Like, you know, like making it in the entertainment industry. somebody like a lot of like, you know, like making it in the entertainment industry It's a lot. It's a lot of like who you know, yeah That's true it's I mean people criticize that as a way of employing people but it's how we do a lot of other stuff But Andy maybe what this has made me think of maybe this is like the the employment thing the sort of the

Trading trades kind of thing. Is there a way that we could make dating more of an economic transaction without it, you know, like make- Without it becoming sex work? Well, let's see. Like, could you have a bond? Could you leave a bond? And if it's a bad date, you get to keep the bond. Well, what we could do is we could make it, oh yeah, that's true.

That's a really good idea, actually. Yeah. So then both people have an incentive to have a really good time. So they could get that money back at the end. Yeah, so they can get their money back. It's really great. At the moment, there's like, I think it's from from what I'm seeing from people, they seem to go on dates and it seems to be a bad time every time.

But I think that's because they're not having to put 50 bucks into a bank account, a shared bank account and then try to make the other person have a good time or else they lose it. They've got it finally. There's a fucking reason to be a decent human being. Yeah. No, I love it. A security deposit. I mean, the other way is that you could make it sort of more like gambling and you put

that money into a pot, right? And then whoever is the best datey, they win all that money. Oh, that's good. Yeah. And does a third party chaperone come on and decide? It's a sort of like a... Yeah, there would have to be I suppose, yes. Competitive dating. A chapelle-roan is there.

A chapelle-roan. Do you like competitive dating like this though? Yeah. And then, you know, you might in all sense be sex workers, but you don't know which one of you is the sex worker until the end. So then like, because... The one of you who ends up being it? Yeah, that's right. Yep.

Yeah. Yeah. But then, they might not have had to go all the way. They just have to have a really good time you know no matter what they're doing right you can just be on the uh yeah i don't know i mean because imagine if it was just like oh well the guy had the had an orgasm and therefore he had a better time yeah that doesn't seem fair yeah but you know what this is a comedy sketch so maybe that is what the conclusion is. The game is the guy again. The 100 bucks.

But I don't think it's about you having the best time. I think it's you contributing the most to the date being a good time. Yeah. Right? I think you are right. Contributing to trying to make the date the best possible thing. Just to go back quickly to our stuff about hostages. Can I go back to something?

Please, yeah. Our stuff from hostages from earlier. I've realized that like, you know, really, we've got a bunch of people in this building and we will kill them unless you pay us a large amount of money that really is what doctors do I mean hospitals they should really call them hostage balls but also hostage balls I think the host so like hostage kill them if we don't if we don't want get a large amount of money yeah I mean that is that is you know I mean they'll kill them by not saving them but it's still they will end

up dead you know. That's right. If you don't pay us a lot. And we've already discussed on this podcast before how surgeons really are just you know people people who are stabbers who are very good at it. That's right. Professional stabber. It's just professional. They're they're just people who are stabbers who are very good at it. That's right, professional stabber. It's just professional stabber. They're just like a micro, like they're just one part of the greater knifing community. Yeah, yeah, a subset.

They've managed to turn pro. They have some street skills and they're willing, they could turn their knives to the to the dark side there's a beautiful movie isn't there a sort of a very beautiful rags to fairy tale story ray extra riches sort of thing where a guy a surgeon is being um being mugged by a young teen ruffian Ruffian and he's a young Shanker maybe Ravi Shanker. Shanker, one of the, yes, maybe one of Nora Jones's children. Yes that's right and he as he's bleeding out on the ground he notices the beautiful knife work of his stabbing words

and realizes that this kid is a gifted, almost goodwill hunting style prodigy. He actually pulls out a benign tumor. He doesn't even realize what he's doing this guy. He's like Anakin Skywalker. We need to teach him to control this power and he's able to get this young mugger to sort of patch himself up and save his life as he lies bleeding in the alleyway there and trains him up to be this amazing surgeon. I think he'd be

wonderful. I mean he's still got those those mugger murderous instincts in there that he has to wrestle with every day. Every time a patient goes under at aesthetic he wants to steal all his money, take his watch and stuff. That's right. And then he's battling with that in the operating theater. And you know, the film comes to a climax when, you know, he has a patient put in front of him that is his rich father who had abandoned him and left him on the street.

Ravi Shankar. Ravi Shankar. Ravi Shankar. Mr. Nora Jones himself. Mr. Nora Jones, yeah. Look, I think that that's a beautiful, that's gonna be a very beautiful film inside and out. They're both the message and visually, I hope to film it really well.

Alistair, thank you. And thank you. visually I hope to film it really well. Alastair, thank you. Do you think we should thank you? Alastair, thank you. And Andy, thank you. Alright, let's take us through these sketch ideas. Okay, Andy, the sketch ideas. Well, we have up front there we have kill start hostages every hour or minutes and then it but if this but this is how we've realised that it is just a job. Every hour is a job. And then you go to the ombudsman to complain. My job is not killing hostages.

That's what I get paid for. Yeah. And so, and so actually, but it's the, it's the, the people who pay the ransom that are the employers. Yes. And they're not treating us right by putting us in this situation where I have to work long hours such as this without a break. where I have to work long hours such as this without a break.

Then we have robbing the bank of its knowledge of how to make a bank. You see? That's the most valuable thing they own. The most valuable thing they have. That's the real treasure. Treasure? They keep the president of the bank in another vault. Yeah, that's the thing. The biggest mistake they made was keeping the man with all the knowledge of how to do that outside of the vault. Why kidnap the bank manager and ask him to give you money when you've already got the most valuable thing?

The bank manager. Get him to manage you money when you've already got the most valuable thing, the bank manager. Get him to manage a bank for you. When you can get the milk for free. That's right, why kidnap a cow? We've got take bank people hostage to save the bank. That's a slightly different sketch where they're trying to worry about my bank. We've got the hostage trading. That's when one different sketch where they're trying to worry about my bank. We've got the hostage trading.

That's when one of the hostages who's a hot shot trader realizes the value that he's got, that he could sell himself to some other hostage takers for a million dollars and get them a nice $1 million profit when they sell you back. Start a whole hostage based economy. Then we have starting a bank inside another bank, inside a bank account of another bank. We've got the bladder hole based malaise diagnosis. Yep. We've got ruin the night sky money. Yeah.

We've got the instant erections caused by the, um... Sound of decapitation? The sound of decapitated heads after the babies are no longer allowed, mostly. Um... When the heads start poppin', my dick starts... Throppin'. Throppin'. My dick stops... my dick stops fl dick stops flopping when the heads start

popping my dick stops flopping that's right that's how cool that's I mean that's one of the raps that will happen oh yeah and when that happens we got this is a perfect two-word sentences this is a perfect two word sentences. This is a perfect two word sentence has seven words and how that's a example of how God doesn't exist. Yep. We've got first date, give each other haircuts. We've got the dating security deposit. We've got the dating security deposit. We've got the competitive dating, which is a person who... The person who helps the date go the best is the one who gets the prize. And then we've got the film where a surgeon gets stabbed by a young mugger

and recognizes his incredible knife skills and helps him, you know, to get into that field. Into that field. Yes, this is an outdoor hospital. A field hospital, if you will. A field hospital, yes. It's a new season of MASH. Yep.

And so we would love to thank Katie Stachow or Stachow or Stachow very much for those, for that first set of words. That's right. And. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom You guys listened so good. You really brought it. I thought it was a good episode Alistair.

I had a lot of fun Andy. I think that helps. And I had a lot of fun Alistair. Oh my gosh. We swapped. And yeah. You know what? I'm just gonna say it. I'm just gonna fucking say it. Okay.

The latest episode of Who K knew it with Matt Stewart with With Ben Russell and David Correios is really fucking great. Oh That's okay. I'll have to go back and listen, but the one with Andy was really good, too Thanks, and you should go back and listen to that if you haven't and But also you should just if you're if you're you haven't. But also, you should just, if you're in Adelaide right now, I think Matt Stewart's there, go see him live. Yes, go see him live.

Go see him live live. And that's an, you know, what, how else can we plug Matt Stewart? Maybe follow him on Instagram. He's quite good at posting a lot of selfies. Yeah, he's really good at it. And he always looks good. Yeah, he always looks good. He a lot of selfies. He's really good. He always looks good Yeah, he always looks good. He knows how to run a social media. That's what that guy does

sure does and You know what you can also follow us if you really want and you can review us on iTunes It helps people to find the podcast Support us on patreon And we love you. Bye. See you later. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

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