Two In The Think Tank - 469 - "THROTTLE IN MY BOTTLE"

Episode Date: March 28, 2025

Pants Illustrated: https://www.instagram.com/pants.illustrated?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==Andy's appearance on "Unconventional Pathways" https://open.spotify.com/episode/13Vvnv8E0ws4mHOQV1JTLS?si=QbBr7oIySE-ESOYeruvScgAndy's appearance on Pitch Bleak on Youtube: https://youtu.be/grK7kSL_T2g?si=sVX-s1mhXx9ZhQDfThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I've got a crab in my backpack and he's eaten my lunch I don't know why I let him in there but I just had a hunch that this could work out really good for me And maybe be great, but now I'll take him out and put him back in another Anyway, hello and welcome to 2 in the Think Tank the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I think I think? Sketch ideas? Is that what we do? And I'm Andy. And I'm. There's one thing we know in this world.

It's that I'm Andy. And I continue to be Alastair George William Trombley Burchell. And might I say, it suits you. You know what? You think so? Yeah. Imagine that.

Imagine if I had a very different name. My name was Roder name was Alastair Roderick. George William Tremblay Burchill is a great color on you. I knew a guy called Roderick at high school and I'll tell you what I liked about him. He wrote in all capital letters all of the time. Wow. And yeah. Like an ancient monk. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, each. It was weird, wasn't it? Did they do that? I mean, did they write it all caps? They definitely like, they had a special extra kind

of capital where they would like illuminate the first letter, they call it illuminated letters. It was more like a sort of a drawing. No, but there was a lot of that. That was when they hadn't really established the difference between letters and drawings. Yeah, that's true. And I liked that, that was a lot of them. That was when they hadn't really established the difference between letters and drawings. Yeah. And I liked that.

That was a more exciting time. Where you kind of had the things that sort of represented, you know, a past of hieroglyphs, but then there's also the time, you know, you still have the full art things. But are you supposed to read the drawing? I don't know. Yeah. I don't think the drawing necessarily pertained. It was sort of like you know like a Pixar short or something at the start of the text where

you could sort of you could enjoy it independently I think of what the content was. Although I could be wrong maybe it contained foreshadowing and maybe that's a lost art maybe maybe we need to bring it back, you know? The lost art of drawing a big fucking letter at the beginning. But wouldn't it be great, like say you're reading an article, right, on the internet, okay? And you're like, it's sort of like the headline, oh, I didn't actually read the whole article but I read the first letter and I think I got the gist.

I mean, wouldn't that be great if the first letter had some you know some some snakes crawling around it and maybe a guy on a bicycle. Yeah because at the moment it's hard to read the first letter of a paragraph and sort of have a good idea of what's going on. Oh this is gonna be a S paragraph. Okay. But if there were a few more drawings in there, you know, something, you know, because articles already give you the out where you're like, well, I could just read the headline.

But to give you a second out once you're in the article, you click on the headline, then you get the headline again, and then you just get a big S. This is what you just said. And then they have a second out to be like, I'm getting out of here now. You really look down on just the people who've read, who've just read the headline.

Yeah. Like, oh, you just read the headline, did you? I looked at the first letter. So something of an expert. I had a pretty brief gander. Yeah. Do you think though, Yeah. I had a pretty brief gander. Do you think though that maybe this could be the future because attention spans are shrinking and maybe it is too much to expect that people read the whole headline.

I wonder whether they're still shrinking. I reckon we've hit rock bottom. How could our attention spans get any shorter? Yeah, I bet they can. I bet they can. And I bet that it's gonna come down, it's gonna, it's gonna get shorter and it's gonna be like that we're gonna be in a sort of almost a perpetual sort of state of flow of just like pure distraction, I think. Well, maybe. I mean, maybe, like, maybe we could break through some kind of barrier and it'll be almost like a nirvana where like we won't be thinking because we will be so distracted. Pure infinite distraction, right? In a state of where we can't feel pain, you know, because pain requires too much attention. I think infinite distraction might be, I mean that's lovely. I mean, I guess

infinite distraction doesn't seem like it's that far away from infinite attention. It's like you're giving attention to something, but then only for that split moment. And then you're giving your full attention to something else. So it's almost like you're infinitely attentive to everything, giving each thing a proper... Maybe that's what happened to God.

Maybe that's when we become gods. We know God watches all things all the time. I mean, to me, that sounds like somebody having a, like not just a second screen experience, you know, he's having infinite screens. Yeah, he's got Prime, he's got Netflix, he's got Hootoo, and he's watching all the shows all the time. God's attention span must be insane and that's why he hasn't intervened

Right because he's too he's got he's too distracted to actually do anything. Are you gonna send your son back mate? It's been 2,000 years, which is a hugely long time in our society It's been 2,000 years which is a hugely long time in our society. But you know what, as a guy with sons, I can tell you I totally relate to taking it taking a long time to get them out of the house. Yeah. I mean bloody hell, that's the most relatable thing God's ever done if you ask me. Probably still trying to get Jesus to put his bloody shoes on. Yeah, well he didn't have any other backpacks. Jesus is like, can't find my backpack.

Yeah, exactly. My bank hat? Yeah, that's what I said. Can't find my bank hat. Can't find my bank hat. You know how I like to wear the hat with a little drawing of a bank on it. You know how I like to wear the hat with a little drawing of a bank on it? You know true you remember when I cast out all those money lenders out of the temple

One of them left a hat and it really suits me. I like it a lot. It was a photo I like it a lot. It was a sort of a Stitched version of the hat of the bank that he works in and I thought well, I'll have that Version of the hat of the bank that he works in and also I'll have I'll have that Andy so relatable God You know Yeah, this could really endear me to God because and this isn't this isn't this just the case that everyone's always praying to God Always always asking him for stuff. Nobody's trying to relate to him. You know, and I bet he's like the hot girl at a party, you know. Nobody's approaching him. Right? That's right. And like the women from the core used to say.

Yes. They used to say, oh, nobody will hit on us. Because we're just too beautiful. We're too beautiful. There's three of us, three beautiful sisters and one brother. But I think some people think that maybe he's actually dating all of us. But I think God is probably, he's probably, he'd probably really, you know, if I said God, next time I pray and maybe it'll be tonight, I'll say God, I get it, you know? I'm just like you. You know what? It's tough, it's tough, you know, getting your son out of the house and,

and you know, maybe, maybe, maybe we should hang out. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah I'm gonna start dressing up as God oh yeah yeah Toga you gonna go Toga do you think God has moved with the times and in terms of his fashion or do you think he's still wearing no I think a toga I think that he's sort of following the more current trends. I think at the moment he loves to wear a sort of like a suit, but sort of too tight over his muscles a bit like Andrew Tate. And that the menswear guy would absolutely destroy.

Oh wow. Oh that Derek. The menswear guy. Oh that Derek. Absolutely destroy God. Derek Guy. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, I was thinking, good. Because he doesn't know, God doesn't know about how fabric should hang, should fall and hang like that. Well, it probably doesn't hang in heaven. I don't know if there's gravity up there. Oh, there is, Andy. There's as much gravity up in heaven as there is on earth. That's ridiculous. That's ridiculous.

Well, it's not that high up Andy. Yeah, but you know, gravity does drop off pretty quickly and... Oh, why doesn't the moon leave? Why doesn't the moon just leave? Do you think heaven is above the moon? What does the moon just leave? Do you think heaven is above the moon? I think it's got to be. I think it's probably around the Oort Cloud. I suspect that is probably where heaven is.

Well, we've explored everywhere else. We've looked everywhere. Andy, the moment America had like a few, like a Chinese spy balloon over it, and they started looking in the atmosphere they started finding so many things they started shooting that is true oh that's right like there was just heaps of stuff up there they were like it all turns out we just can't look up there there's just too many things it's stressing everybody we'd be shooting all the time we'd never stop shooting and we don't. This is America. America. Shoot the sky.

Remember when Elon Musk had that comedy website and they had something and it was, and this is back when Elon was fun. We were like, yeah, maybe it is cool if a guy just has more money than he knows what to do with. And maybe he'll always just be making comedy websites. Imagine if we could work for that comedy website. But alas, having a comedy website was apparently not enough for him.

He also wanted total control over every human being on earth, alas. Creating a comedy website wasn't enough to make comedy legal again, it seemed. Isn't it crazy that he just keeps saying these really lame things and he just goes, oh, oh, oh, like that, and then just believes himself? Yeah, yeah. There's so much dissonance between how much power he has and how little self-awareness.

But you can also see the way in which I feel like the criticism is making, is pushing him towards his own power, like sort of digging in and being like, oh yeah, but I have all this power. And so I can just stop you with that from criticizing me. Or, you know, he's kind of just accepting that he has the power to change things a lot more and then just doing it.

Yeah, well, it's the thing I always talk about, about like how his wealth has literally disconnected him from reality and from the consequences of his actions. And now he only has to listen to people that he wants to listen to, and he only wants to listen to people who make him feel good about himself. And the people who make him feel good about himself are the people who reinforce what he's already doing. So he does more of that and that pushes the other people who disagree with him more further away.

And the only people who agree with him are more and more insane people. It's just, it's not a good system. It's not, he's broken through like, you know, like he's like a rocket ship that has escaped Earth's gravity. He's escaped the gravitational pull It's not that easy to escape Andy Of his own consequences

It is you wait till you get to the Oort cloud. Oh, it's so good out there That's where we ought to be that's what I say that's what I say to my wife every morning when I wake up And kids, we gotta get into heaven this time kids That's where we ought to be, that's what I say. That's what I say to my wife every morning when I wake up. And kids, we gotta get in the heaven this time, kids. It's called the Ought Cloud for a reason, boys, I say. Andy, earlier we were talking about, before the pod, we were talking about how you were throwing down some champagne. Ah, yes. It was. We were talking about how you were throwing down some champagne.

Ah, yes, it was. And we were discussing, maybe if you were a person who was interested in efficiency, you might try to maybe remove the bottleneck from in drinking champagne by actually removing the bottleneck and just having it as a nice cylinder. I mean we as in this efficiency obsessed world in which we live, it seems crazy to have gone to all the effort to buy the champagne, bring it into your house, place it in the fridge, reduce it to a drinkable temperature,

and then to place this bottleneck between you, between the champagne and your mouth. Absolutely. To stumble at the last hurdle. Why would we do that? To deny the drinker the rate of consumption that he or she wants, is appalled. Craves and deserves. I mean, they're entitled to it. And is entitled to it. And it's their birthright. It is their birthright as an Australian. As an Australian.

I thought this was a free country, and yet there's a throttle on my bottle. Yes. I mean, in this here, in the land of the wattle, there's a throttle on my bottle. But I want to drink a lottle. I've got to drink a lottle. But I've got to drink a lottle. So I get this throttle off my bottle. And this is the new Australian National Anthem. As we grab our new champagne bottles, which we are going to call the slam pane, because

you can slam it down fast. And it is basically a Pringles can. Do they call that a can? A tube. A can feels like giving it more than it deserves. It might have started out as a can. I don't know. Maybe it didn't. But it does, you know what, it's a cardboard and plastic that has very can-like features. It does, doesn't it? It's aping the can.

You're aping the can! Imagine that you're out you're out in the in the Congo and you come across like a hidden a hidden part of you know like we're where people, you know, these, these, these gorillas there in the mist. These gorillas. They've never, they've never encountered man. They, you, you show up there and you finally see them. You just crouch, you know, you decide now's the time to eat a can of beans. You go like that.

You start eating it. The, the alpha, the the alpha the silverback approaches Yes, try not to move. You've got your little plastic fork in one hand You got your can of Heinz beans in the other he looks at this thing in your hand and he immediately Makes a cylinder of himself and throws head back like the curled back lid. He's aping the can. Oh. Yeah, I hate that.

Yeah. I hate when that happens. But Andy, mimicry is the highest form of flattery. You could take that compliment back to the can makers. Yes, and say, you know what, fellas? You're on the right track. Keep doing what you're doing. You know, I know it's hard to take a compliment, but I thought you'd want to hear this. A gorilla did a really good impersonation of one of your cans. Yes that's right. Do you know the light

glinting off his silver back was just like that the tin. I take all the labels off my cans. I'll pull all the labels off. A couple of clean skins. It allows me to not pre-judge the beans. That's right. I buy a huge variety of beans of different price points before I go on my big expeditions. I like to carry sort of big metallic cans before my big expeditions I like to carry sort of big, a lot of metallic cans before my big expeditions into some of the most remote part, untouched parts of the Democratic Republic of Conqueror. So there I am, big thing, 30 to 50 kilograms excess weight in my bag. And then I've reached the point of... Of miscellaneous beads, they're all beads! They're all beads, but from different providers. Yes.

Provadores! Yes. And then at the end, by the way, I've written a number down on each can, like that. And then I say to my assistant I say seven was good Bethany Bethany seven was great like that and then at the end when I get back this is another little treat from the end of my Congo expeditions as I'm lying in bed my back ruined I look over my results and then Bethany had written out what all the numbers represent and then I'll see whether or not I got any cheap cans that I

thought were really good without prejudging them and then I discover which are the best value beans just from that. beans just from that. And I do make sure to eat the beans in front of the gorillas. Always. I can't eat a bean unless there's a prime vape within eye shot. Within eye shot? Within eye shot. That's not an expression. Isn't it? But maybe- no! Ear shot! That's an expression. Within eye shot! Never been said before in the history of humanity. Within tongue shot. Within tongue shot. Within skin shot. Within finger shot. Within- within balance shot. Within balance shot. sense I mean imagine imagine if the daredevil the superhero instead of losing his sense of sight he'd lost his sense of balance now all his other senses are heightened including eyesight and sets aside our hunt including I site and and and hearing all of those are so

strong but boy he cannot stand up this guy you should see him try and ride a bicycle it's tragic no other senses are so strong he becomes an arm and what he lays on the ground super here and he texts people and that's his superpower. He can text people very fast. Because he can see the keys so well on his phone. He can move much more accurately. Sometimes he texts the Chief of Police. Who gave him my phone number?

Is what the chief of police. He's also very nauseous, obviously, a lot of the time. Oh yeah, all the time. Okay, wait, guys. I throttled my bottle in the land of the wattle. Oh yeah, that's right. And so that's gonna be a whole, they're releasing a kids book to boost the, uh, the, the sparkling wine.

That's right. Because you can't advertise alcohol to kids and you can't sell alcohol. But also as soon as you get water into a, into a thing, then it's a, it'll be a treasured Australian poem. Ah, yes. treasured Australian poem. Ah yes. He throttled my bottle. I couldn't get a lottle in a small length of time. When I tried to take a shottle. All I got was a shottle. That's what, that was a shottle. That was all I gottle. Yes.

Um I agree Alastair. I think it's an exciting future but I think that, you know, can we not use the realm of fiction to get kids interested in alcohol? You know, it's not even real alcohol. It's just a story. It's just fiction. It's just... I guess they do have ratings on things. Could we release these first? Do they have a rating on kids' book? This kids' book is right at M. By the way, what was the guy we were just talking about? The guy? Oh no, okay, got it. Super got it superhero with no balance hmm oh yes um and what would he be

called if not daredevil then maybe old um let's see what was what is a good name for a superhero who has no sense of balance and sense scope Oh no, he's forgot some sense. He's got, um. Hmm. Floppy. A whole tumble. But he would move in such an unpredictable way. He would, would he?

They'd call him the stumble. The fumble. Yes. They would, that would, that would throw others off balance. Yeah. The fumble. Yes, that would throw others off balance. Yeah, it's like a butterfly's flight path, but with on feet and off feet. I feel sick even just thinking about his life. I'm sorry if I've distracted Alastair.

My child has started crying and has been crying. I hope the listeners aren't hearing it, but he's been crying for a while now How about you go and you can mean if you can we have couldn't hear it, but you can go might have just stopped, okay? Which I assume is a good thing. Oh No, he's crying again. I Just don't know if I'm going to be able to settle him. Yeah. If I go, it might get worse and then I might be trapped. You know, but then I should go and try and give him some medicine.

Yeah, go give him some medicine. Maybe we'll pause recording. What do you want to just see what you can do? We can pause. Okay, we'll pause in three, two, one. Go. Look at this. Oh we're back Andy. And we are back. And we are back. We are back. Did everyone have a good break? Did everyone? Quieter crying baby. Andy when we earlier were attempting to do an episode and and I felt like we were having a fun time. We were having a great time Alistair.

I messed up a little bit on one of our ends. Oh you very nearly said your end. I could taste, I could just feel the tip of the Y just entering my ear. I would never blame anyone. Oh well. I've ruined many an episode. There was a moment within it where I had mentioned, and I can't remember how we got to it, I had mentioned that bears have to eat pine cones

in order to plug up their ass before hibernation. Yeah, now you had you had dropped it into conversation in the manner of one who maybe thinks that this is common knowledge, but I feel like that is probably not a thing that really happens. Yeah, well then I would like to drop it back out of conversation and I would like to you to have to go away and maybe come back with some references. Yes I mean I also agree that it's it's a fact that seems just fun enough to me that it couldn't possibly be true. I mean it seems really unpleasant though. It's such it's such a good rule of thumb isn isn't it? Like if you hear a fact and you enjoy it,

you get excited about it. If it makes the world seem full of possibility, if it makes you want to tell somebody, if you feel an urgency to pass on this information that has changed you and has made you happy, that's a great sign, it's not real. It just can't possibly be real. That wouldn't happen. You're missing a bit of detail. Because then if I told you, well, they ate little bits of pine cones, the seeds mostly and things like that,

and then you're like, oh. Yeah, it has an effect of slowing their metabolism or something or like, you know, it causes constriction in the lower colon. You're like, no, they eat fucking pine cones. They scoff pine cones and they plug up their potholes because they're so spiky. They jam in there like a sea anchor.

And that's a fact I'm interested in. Oh it's an anchor for the buttock. And because I guess... Oh wow. Wow. Keep the buttock in place. I mean an open pinecone and this is I guess what we then suggested, I mean you were suggesting possibly that they were shoving them up their buttocks. And I do mean the buttock, not the asshole. The actual meat, they're shoving it up that. I wasn't suggesting that they were. No. I was imagining a scenario in which that was the case. Yeah.

In which the bears had to pack their buttholes. That's right. This wasn't my hypothesis. But what an instinct. An instinct. It was a crazy instinct to imagine the evolutionary, if this was true right? That there were some bears who some freak of their genetics a mutation a an LL misfired in the reproductive process and suddenly there are a few

bears just through natural variation love to shove pinecones up their buttholes just as winter was drawing in. Just as the shadows begin to lengthen. And then for some reason... There's something in them, there's just an urge. There's something in them, a pinecone probably, soon. That's for that to be what it was. A pinecone shaped hole. More that there, yes indeed there were more that

there wasn't something in them. A yearning. I've got a feeling that I need a thing in me. I mean that's that's not that far from what horniness is Andy. But I mean but God in his infinite wisdom has has he has provided the cone, not only Alastair with a beautiful conical shape. Yeah. Maybe. When they're close. I don't want to speculate. Maybe that's even where the name comes from, the cone part of the pine cone.

I don't know. That's not for me to say. I'm not a linguist. But, but it is an intriguing possibility. That can't be a coincidence, surely. No, but I mean, I've. Surely. I think it's a sign. If it is, if it's random, it's God sending us a sign. But in my mind, if I think of a pine cone, I genuinely think of like that crazy

open pine cone shape, one of the more complicated shapes I've ever seen in nature. Isn't it interesting how it transitions from one of the things, it's almost a button-plug-like shape of something that you can imagine so happily and easily. I mean it's a little ribbed but therein lies the joy. But like it goes from that shape, something that looks like it was designed to go into a bear's butthole, into this sort of prong thing but then but then maybe that's the very anchoring that's right maybe nature of it then you can push it in sort of in the late fall when it's still closed and then in the winter it opens it blooms

truly God is great and I see now the wisdom of his ways. He knew what he was doing when he desired both the bear with its hungry butthole and the pine tree with its expanding unforgiving expansion. It's claws that it gets in there. It's barbs. I think the term is barbs. Like a, what is the thing that does that? This gets inside something and opens up. This can be the new thing that does that. I mean like a porcupine spine.

Yeah, I suppose. They open up like that. What sounds he goes in and opens up. Let's see, goes into something and expands. He goes in and opens up. It's sort of like a grappling hook, I suppose. Like, but they don't really, It's sort of like a grappling hook I suppose like But yeah, they don't really I mean I mean Batman sort of had grappling hooks kind of like that

Didn't he that he could shoot through a wall or something and then they'd open up and grab on yeah Yeah, remember Batman remember how he had that Anyway Yeah, I do remember that. Yeah, I think so. Anyway, I think that's probably what bears do. But I'm just picturing, you know, one of those pinecone bears trying to teach a new bear, this is how we survive the winter, mate. Like that. And just being like, now, all right, now I want you to push this into my butthole. I want you to see the damage.

And in your version it's the flared one isn't it? Oh yeah yeah it's the flared one. I want you to see the damage that it causes so that you can have a visual for what's happening to you when when I'm pushing one into your buttock. You know what's to come. I'll let you watch. I'll let you watch if you let me watch. There's no doubt in your mind of the destruction that is being wrought behind you.

Like destruction, I don't know what that is but... The destruction. No no, I know but you accidentally said destruction. Accidentally, Alastair? Maybe to you. There are no accidents, Andy Well there are no accidents Andy. There are no actions. There are no actions I said.

Fucking up the very word. Andy do you think that we're polar opposites? Geographically? I mean geographically we're pretty close to polar opposites right now. Yes. I mean especially with the shifting of the North Pole. We're not worlds apart but we are certainly world apart. Yeah.

Just singular. What about with our temperament and our personality. There's some parts in which we're far, and then there's some parts in which we're very similar. Obviously, we can learn our humanity, obviously is what joins us. Oh, thank God. I wasn't sure where you were going with that sentence. I think you probably have a bit more humanity. And you paused for dramatic effect. I don't know that that's the case going with that sentence. I think you probably have a bit more humanity. And you paused for dramatic effect. I don't know that that's the case, Alistair.

I think you certainly have more empathy than I do. Yeah, but not as much humanity. I sometimes wonder, you feel things strongly, but then I wonder, do you act on them? You know what, I saw somebody shucking a 20-year-old oyster yesterday, and I was like, I feel really bad for that oyster. I was like, now was it 20 years like it had been alive or was it 20 years since it had been harvested? Yeah, and yeah, I think that would have been a good punishment for the person.

But no, the guy started by counting the rings on the oyster. And then it was like, look how long this thing has survived. Anyway, it's harder with these ones. You've got to really wiggle your way into opening it. Because they don't want to die. They don't want to. They love life. All they do is filter the filter the ocean also that

was fucked by the way he goes that'll be my lunch because it was a gigantic oyster but you go imagine eating a lunch that is all one oyster that's like the size of a fish you know also aren't you supposed to just like swallow them whole but this is still doing that in your mouth or if you supposed to just like swallow them whole? Yeah, but this one's so big you can't get it all in your mouth or if you can. Yeah. You're just like, you probably won't have room to chew. You're guzzling this. Drinking.

Slab of oyster meat. And it really is just loose meat. Like it's, nothing has been softer. Nothing, they couldn't make a softer material Well, yes, and but but because it's so hard on the outside I suppose that it felt it could be soft on the inside a huge mistake. It's a yes It's it's essentially a real metaphor for for man you know a lot of men just harden themselves and It's essentially a real metaphor for man.

A lot of men just harden themselves and then they can't help but they can't harden themselves deep enough and they're always gonna have this very fragile in bit. And if you stick a very thick knife into their back and you sort of jiggle a little bit Mmm, you can't help but open them up and then their vulnerabilities allows you to I suppose eat them Yes guzzle guzzle guzzle sort of let them let their

Let their fragility slide into the back of your throat and then you mostly just do one bite and you swallow. Squeeze a lemon might help. I mean the things that that oyster must have seen, the life it must have led. Like the way that they they open up. I mean I find this funny but like an oyster that's been around since the time of, uh, uh, uh, Christ? No, an oyster that's been around since the time of Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift would have been roughly 16 years old when this oyster was born.

All the things this, this oyster has seen. One can scarcely imagine if this oyster could talk it'd be able to tell us what it was like when Kanye West took to the stage at the Grammys to tell. So I mean I suppose It's not that it's not that much of a loss that this oyster can't talk. It's not that it's not that much of a loss that this oyster can't talk. It's fine really. No, no, no, no. And he could he could tell us about the reception of the Red album. And, and, oh, what was it like to be at the huge tour that just ended last year or whatever? Hey, well I don't know if you can tell us about that. Well we don't know what body of water he was in.

Might have been... How do you feel about the idea of a land anchor, Alastair? Hmm, I see. Okay, what to like stop your car? No, what to stop your car? No, I want to stop your car. I think like because the only reason we need anchors at sea is because ships, there's nothing, they don't stop naturally, they just keep going, right? But what if it was like that on land as well? Because they don't put brakes on the boat. need like yeah and what if what if people like walking if to stop in order to stop walking if you had to drop an anchor right you would carry something

in your backpack right and you would chuck it on the ground and you're you know you want to try and drift away during like you know say you see you walking down the street you see a friend you would like to chat to you haul out your land anchor from your backpack, you throw it into the garden of a house next to the footpath or maybe into the gutter hoping that it will catch on a grating or something like that. And then you sort of, you jolt to a halt there.

And then, you know, if and drift and with the currents I mean what would the currents be would this be are we very lightweight in this scenario and we're sort of buffeted by the wind maybe we are or maybe it's just that we need anchors in order to stop moving. Yeah, I guess it's once that we get ourselves going, we just don't have the ability to... We have no thigh muscles, Andy. That's what it is. The thigh. It's the break of the leg. The stopping power. Otherwise the legs will just keep flopping. And they won't start stopping.

We just have a forward balance issue. And so we always got a little bit of a lean forward. I do feel like I experienced this once. No, what were you gonna say? No, hit me with that, with what you were gonna say. I experienced this when I was at my first week of university and there was an O-Week thing and various rituals and there was one where you had to put your head onto a keg, right? And spin around in circles, your head on the keg like 20 or 30

times and then you had to try and walk like just like 10 meters in it to get to some other point and I just I just could not and I felt like I was falling but like but like off to the side so I was just like, sort of just gone, like falling along the ground running, but falling. And I really felt like, I know running forward is essentially falling, but I got like a moment of clarity about what that would be like if I didn't know how running was.

And I was sort of going just sideways. Did all your other senses feel heightened? Ah! Because I'd lost my sense of balance? I could taste wine better than I've ever have before. I could hear the birds in the distance. Some of it coming back up in my throat. Uh, yes. And, um,

my sense of... sense of... Ah... Fashion? My sense of...sense of... Ahhhh... Fashion? Yes, oh yes. That was a good joke during the pandemic wasn't it? Where people are like... Talking about they lost their sense of taste and people were like,

You never had it honey. Yeah, that's really good. That was really good. Although nobody said that to me. Oh man, I got it every day. I got it every day and I was telling everybody I'd lost my sense of taste and I saw them in the street. Andy, I reckon we probably have five sketch ideas. Alastair, we've got something or other.

Yeah. It's a real shame not to tell the listeners what they're missing out on, but it's a real shame that I failed to record the first attempt at this podcast. Because there was some great stuff in there. I don't even remember now if any of it was, which bits were in this episode

and which bits were in the lost episode, was the bit where we were talking about God being in a permanent state of distraction. Oh, yeah, that must have been the first one. That was in the one that we were talking about God being in a permanent state of distraction. Oh yeah, that must have been the first one. That was in the one that we lost. And the great bit, oh that great bit about how when you sign your name on a document you use the line that you're supposed to sign on, you use that as the hyphen. I use it as the hyphen. In John Blake virtual. A big, I like a long hyphen.

Yeah. big I like a long hyphen yeah I like a big thick long hyphen that's just me what about the bit where we talk about illuminated letters was that this episode oh yeah I think that was in the other one as well fucking hell I do all these ideas like tears in the rain Alastair tears in the rain and Andy I'm gonna take us to three words from a listener. Do so. And today's listener is... Curious Cashew.

Curious Cashew. That's right. Curious Cashew. And Curious Cashew has sent in three words from a listener. Now, um, I, um, well, this is, this is the interesting thing here. Um, is that they do mention it in the, in the, uh, the, the message hang on says, hope you were all well. Happy holidays as the new year approaches. That was it back, back in the new year that we got this. What a fascinating moment in time captured there.

Yes. What a glimpse. If I may suggest three words from a listener that is indeed myself. So these are directly from the listener that is Curious Cashews. Oh, I think I might not have pluralized the cashews in the last time I said the name. directly from the listener that is Curious Cashews. Oh, I think I might not have pluralized the cashews in the last time I said the name. Curious Cashews.

Andy, now they've sent in three words. Would you like to try to guess what the first one is? I'd love to. It would be my immense pleasure. And the first word is... Pile. Close, Andy. Close. It's all. The first word is pile. Close Andy, close. It's all.

All. All. Okay, okay. And it's like a misspelled al. Okay, the second word is four, but it's F-O-U-R, all four. I'm sorry Andy you missed because the second word is missed M-I-S-T. All missed.

I don't know. Butterfly? It's a good attempt, Andy. But the third word is, unfortunately, diet. All missed diet. Yes, well, who among us hasn't missed breakfast? Well, what if that breakfast was missed? And you didn't get to have it? Yeah, I guess. No, I mean, it's still food.

It's still food. There's still particles of something. Yeah, yeah, there's definitely particles in there. But it would be the easiest meal to not get into your mouth because let's say you open up whatever. I mean, what receptacle would you put mist in? Would you put it in an upside down wine glass? I don't know, but I think to consume it, because you don't want to breathe it in, this is the

thing, right? You don't want it going into the lungs. It still needs to go into the stomach. Well, that's true. So in order to consume this mist diet, you'd have to do that kind of sucking in air burp, reverse burp thing that you do if you're trying to make yourself do a burp. That's a skill that humans have, but we've never needed. We've never found a use for it. It's an untapped potential.

So you would do that and then hope that just the mist condensates on the inside of your throat. And then it separates the gas. I'm doing it right now and I'm really inflating my esophagus it doesn't feel good. Oh yeah that does. The first one of those is hard right but then the second one is always a bit easier. Reverse. Do you find that? Let me see yeah I think once there's a little once it's a little bit more open yeah you can really push more air in there. Once you've got a pry it open. Establish the... Yeah. With a... you got a pry open your esophagus with a

reverse burp. You've got to establish a precedent, okay? You've got to shift the overton window. I don't really know what that means. That's more about acceptable discourse. But, I'll allow it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then you can sort of suck air. I mean, yeah, the reverse burp for eating is... I wonder if it would be possible, like if you knew you were going to be in a situation where you were going to have to hold your breath,

could you extend the length of time you could hold your breath for by sucking also as well as taking a deep breath with your lungs also suck some air in like that right? Yeah. And then when you need it burp it up into your mouth and then breathe it in. That's really good. You could definitely do that when you're going deep deep sea diving. Yeah. To get an extra breath. I mean, are those fucking freedivers, are they thinking about this? Are they considering it? I think you've got to-

Are they freedivers that are actually freeloading on that burp breath? On that extra burp breath? Maybe this is their secret. I mean, I think this is a great idea. I think from now on, if you're a man who likes to be prepared and thinks of himself as pretty tough and ready for anything, I think as well as having a go bag, you know, and maybe a daily carry of, you know, like a knife or whatever, a knife and a ball of yarn and a can of tuna, I think you should also have a little always have a

little bit of air in your esophagus just always have like a reverse burp just stashed there. You know what it's also there for for helping get a chunk of food that's stuck in your... oh no wait that's not where you want a chunk of food to get out. Oh a little bit of food went down the right hole! Quick burp it off! Burp it out! Yeah I guess that what that is is a bit of air going down the wrong hole yeah when you do that. Yeah but do you think that you could, but do you think using the same method, you could push a chunk of food into your lungs? Have a little snack there. So that whenever you're hungry, you can just cough.

Wouldn't that be nice? It'd be good if it was like, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Three bits of penne so you can continuously breathe through it. That's actually a really good idea. I was thinking this was stupid Alastair until you brought up the concept of. Hollow foods. That's right. You could do three hollow foods.

You could have a piece of penne, uh, maybe like a lifesaver for dessert and maybe a cord apple. for dessert and maybe a cored apple. I wonder if the penne is the choking man's pasta, you know, if it's been designed specifically with that in mind. Well, he choked on a piece of pasta but fortunately it was a penne. It actually opened up his pipe so that he could breathe better. Yeah. Now we all do it. It's a reverse choke. It's an evolutionary thing. Also, before winter we shove pinecones up our buttholes. It's just an urge we have.

The choking man's pasta. And I'll say, we might have to call it there. Because my computer's about to run out of batteries. And I think we have tried the audience's patience Let's um, do me you go through this sketch ideas or do you just gonna go I'd adore that. Okay We've got me through them. We've got the cylinder bottle the neck of the bottle Is is a bottleneck. It's a real we've calling it the slam pane It's when it comes with a rhyming kids book about it There's a real bottle name. We've calling it the slam pane. And it comes with a rhyming kid's book about it.

There's a throttle in my bottle. But I want to drink a lot. In the land of the wattle. Et cetera. Finally a bottle with, anyway, you get it. And then we've got the person who's always surprised. Oh, we didn't, this was a freaking, this was in the old episode, but it's a guy who's always surprised there's, we didn't, this was a freaking, this was, this was in the old episode,

but it's a guy who's always surprised there's more words than a sentence. We'll have to explain that another time, but oh, it's like, hello. Are you done? You know how? Oh, geez, okay, I didn't know there was more. What is this a book? Oh jeez, okay. I'm gonna take a little nap here. You. Oh. Is this finished? I think this is... I've just stuck a pine cone in my ass so that I can hibernate. That is how we got to the... That's how we got to the fair. That is. Okay. We've got bean eating in the Congo with no label as a way of determining the- Was that this episode?

I think so, yeah. I genuinely don't know. We've got the hyphen signing line. We've got the guy hero with no balance whose senses are heightened and just lays on the ground and texts people. We've got the no fun facts rule. We've got an oyster born during the time of Taylor Swift.

Maybe the news report on it. We've got a reverse burp for eating mist. And we've got the penne being marketed as the choking man's pasta. But I wrote chalking man's pasta but i wrote choking man's pasta so that's good that's good too alice did accidentally stop his recording this is the most fucked episode ever we're really dropping balls left right instead of alistair's passing me messages.

I gotta do the song all by myself. Okay here we go. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,