Two In The Think Tank - 470 - "BETTY WHITE SUPREMACIST"

Episode Date: April 2, 2025

Sketch Spreadsheet by Will Runt: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1e2HYV7-VcnAV08wyHA7OFbqh_UCnVDUheiNFiqxPX_Y/edit?usp=sharingThink Tank Institute: https://lookerstudio.google.com/s/kH2int_ZkuIPants Illustrated: https://www.instagram.com/pants.illustrated?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==Andy's appearance on "Unconventional Pathways" https://open.spotify.com/episode/13Vvnv8E0ws4mHOQV1JTLS?si=QbBr7oIySE-ESOYeruvScgAndy's appearance on Pitch Bleak on Youtube: https://youtu.be/grK7kSL_T2g?si=sVX-s1mhXx9ZhQDfThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello Andy. Alastair, hello. Andy, before I started this... And welcome. Before I started this episode I wanted to promote something, something known as the Think Tank Institute. This is something that listener Will Runt or Will Runting has put together with the help of some other listeners, which is all these statistics from our 10 plus years of doing this podcast, just like lists of sketches, numbers of sketches per hour created in things, guests, Andy's guesses for the three words, that the people who've submitted three words,

it's all in there. And if you love a little bit of Dada, go onto the Discord, you can, there's a link in there. Or if you just, a really simple way is to go to our Instagram and there's links there, a to and tank, but also I'll put it in the show notes. So check it out.

It's a delight. It's an incredible piece of work. It's all I've ever wanted. I laugh just looking at the graphs, you know? If you think the podcast is funny in audio form, just wait till you see it as a scattered graph. Yeah. as a sketch graph. Yeah, and there is another Excel version which is just the data about the, like just the lists of episodes

and the sketch ideas and things like that. It's an amazing piece of work. Thank you, Will. Thank you, listeners. And Andy, hit it, baby. Hello and welcome to Two in the Thing Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I am Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Trombley, Bertil Andy Hal.

How are you? I'm pretty good. Thank you very much. Tromblay, Bertil, Andy, Hal, I love you. I'm pretty good, I'm pretty good, thank you very much. Pretty good, I've got something hot in my mouth. The way people talk when they've got something hot in their mouth, is that an accent? Would you consider that? And are people with something hot in their mouth, would you consider them to be a people? Are they a race? Or a people? Are they a race or a people or an ethnicity?

Or are they just a culture? Because they definitely have, what is a culture? It's a combination of behaviors and values. And I would say, looking at somebody with something hot in their mouth, they behave like they don't wanna close their mouth and they value a cold glass of water. So...

You're right. And if you tell them to not eat, to not talk while they have food in their mouth, and then they then chew and swallow their food, you are technically ethnic cleansing. You are. Oh my God, that's so true. Yeah, you're erasing their culture. Exactly. Quite literally. Yeah, something to think about there.

Yeah, and then do you think that when somebody who has never spoken with food in their mouth, maybe they listened to their parents when they were young, and then they start doing it. Do you think they have a sort of accent that sounds off to them? When they eventually do have something hot in their mouth? Or are we suggesting that they start just talking like that in an act of cultural appropriation? And then do they have the right to do that? I would say no.

Yeah, well you're right. To just be like, and I hope nobody gets upset that I do this, but... So I was just going to the shops and I'm trying to find a new towel. You know what? I really like that, Alastair. You've done a really good job. And just listening to it, I've realised that maybe that's what we've been looking for. That might be an accent that it actually is okay for everybody to do and finally we can we can put one back up on the back you know back up on the chalk board the big comedy chalkboard in the sky and finally we can comedy's back baby you know finally

we can have a bit of fun that's really great you know we can finally make fun of an accent fun. That's really great. We can finally make fun of an accent. That's right. We found one. We found we found a group, a marginalized group that it's okay to punch down at. Andy, I for one, I'm very excited to get to finally do an accent on this podcast. do an accent on this podcast? Mmm. You for one and I for one am also happy for you to get to finally do an accent on this podcast. I was saying that because I'm always doing an accent on this podcast. I know. Sorry, just checking. Just checking. And you're also doing an Australian accent. I think any accent you do.

Well, I think the Australian accent is the one I was referring to. Oh, right. I think of you all. Were you thinking of yourself as having a neutral accent? But Andy, you forget, I'm the one who thinks that. Yeah, correct. All right, Alastair, here we go. What about this, Andy?

It's a guy. He's releasing human hair toothbrushes. Oh. Okay. I mean, we all know that most toothbrushes are actually too hard. That's what our dentist says. The medium and hard toothbrushes shouldn't exist, right? Those are both forms of oral abuse.

The soft, only soft bristled toothbrushes should exist according to dentists. But maybe even those, if the soft is the maximum, then maybe we need to go to like extra soft, soft and ultra soft, right? And maybe the human hair is appropriate for one of those. Yeah, human hair is soft, but then occasionally,

for those with very sensitive teeth, we go baby hair. The hair of the babe. The hair of the babe. We literally go to maternity wards and find those creepy hairy babies. Keeping in mind that one of my children was one and he was literally born with a Mohawk. And I mean a person from the Mohawk tribe

was born at the same time. A Mohican. A Mohican. Oh, he can know I'm just to clarify And you come and then we do the parents the favor of yeah of shaving that very soft head Hmm. Very well, I mean that mean that first downy sort of hair that they have, sometimes they have it all over their body, a little bit of weird, you know, sort of like, I wonder if it's like a, well it might be just to help them survive in those first couple of days after they come out, I don't know, but also maybe it's some evolutionary thing from back

when we were bears, you know, to have a bit more extra hair on the baby that hasn't fallen off yet due to peer pressure for cultural reasons when they come out. Maybe for warmth. They see, yes. But all of that, I think that's perfect, you know? And you know who'd love this? Mothers.

Mothers would love this. Thank you for removing the creepiness from my baby. But think about like and think about the ad right it's gonna be like a kid, mom I've got a I've got a hair on my tongue, good keep brushing. That's great. It really writes itself. Yeah. And then, and then after you brush your teeth, right? Yes. Uh, you, you rinse off the toothpaste and then you put a bit of shampoo on it.

And then you wash your toothbrush. People don't wash their toothbrushes. And now they will. That's great. Well, or we could produce a the first three in one toothpaste, shampoo and conditioner. And body wash. Do it all in one go and body wash. And? Is this is the handle of the uh is the handle of the toothbrush is that a bit of human bone? Oh that would be good. Maybe a baby's bone. Baby baby's bone. Did you go and get from the... Yeah well for any babies that are born with an extra leg or something like that

you'd get a lot of sticks out of that. One baby leg. I think you'd get one stick out of one baby leg. No way. I suspect. No way. Well also a lot of the time those extra baby legs they're not fully formed legs they're not like big and strong, like a regular baby leg. Less whittling, less whittling to do. Less whittling, oh, that's good. I'll play, I'll pay for that lady. Don't you think that there could be a real market for,

we will come in, we'll be in the delivery room and we'll grab the baby as soon as it comes out. We'll just clean it up a bit. You know, just give it a little zhuzh. Give it a little. With the toothbrushes? With teeth. Maybe with the toothbrushes,

just maybe shave off any weird hair or anything. So before you give it to the mom, because the last thing you want is to get handed an ugly baby. I mean, this is great because I think this can be a whole other aspect of our business. You clean it up a bit, maybe put on a little bit of makeup, make it look real nice.

Oh, beautiful. So that the mother, you know those photos with the babies and they don't, like often their eyes are closed and they look kind of frankly like they've been taking it pretty easy in there. Yeah, yeah that's not a good impression. First impressions are everything. That's gonna be the name of our company. It's gonna be called First Impressions. Yeah. Or maybe Birthst Impressions. That's really good Andy. Thank you.

really good Andy. Thank you. Births, births impressions? No births. Please births? No births. That's for the mother because yes how difficult the birth was and we'll yes we we will be the ones we'll take the hit of seeing your baby. It's gonna take a real toll on us, right? But we're willing to sort of almost be the front line, doing and seeing what other people aren't prepared to do, you know? We get a lot of therapy for all the newborn babies we have to see. They're bloody. They've got a bit of guts on them sometimes.

You know what would be great is that what we'll do is we'll actually build a big sort of fleshy room, right? And what it's gonna be is it actually presses up against the mother's vagina. Yeah. Right? And it's sort of coloured like her skin. Yeah. Right? And then at the other end of the room, instead of there being a door,

there's another little fake vagina. Basically what we do is we get the baby out of the real vagina. The doctors should be dressed up as organs of the body. The doctors are in there with us, dressed up as, they're dressed up as organs. We get the baby out and before we shove it out, the fake vagina at the other end of our fleshy room, that's where we do our work. You know, there's, the mother looks down, she sees this sort of weird fleshy bowl.

She hears a bit of a zzz, zzz, and a whee. And a mmm, yeah and that, oh that was a good one, Alistair. Skrrt, skrrt, skrrt, skrrt. Yeah. That's us really brushing the hair hard. You know when you brush hair and it gives it a bit of a, like a whew, like that, yeah, but I think this is how,

this is how you promote it, you go, babies are born, they're bloody, they've got guts, their hair is a mess, right? And not an ounce of powder on their nose. Well, you don't need to see that. It's terrible. This is a really good ad. And you know, and sometimes,

oh, cause you know, this will be great, you know, having that extra fleshy room for when they're like, I can see the head. And often the mother wants to go and have a look while the head is out, you know? And then traumatize herself like that. Yeah, and so we get in real quick Sometimes we can just bring in the room Temporarily

Do the face up while his face is sticking out Little bit of powder a little bit of rouge bit of lippy maybe Maybe a little a little awesome eyelash stuff like that and then bring the room back so that they can have that peak and they go oh my gosh it looks like it's ready for a glider shot. It's a stunner. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl but it's a looker. That's what one of the mothers... Yeah that's our guarantee. You will wanna date your baby. Yeah. We guarantee you will wanna date your baby. Oh. Yeah, so, I mean Andy, that's a beautiful.

Oh, what a beautiful sketch idea. I mean, I think in practice, I feel, I'm sorry. I have to say this. I feel like in practice and I know I was the one who suggested the big fleshy room. Yeah. Sort of the womb extended doctors dressed as organs. Yeah. But maybe what you would really do is you would just have all us and our little

team, we're hiding under the, the bed, the hospital, we could be, we could be dressed as, we could be dressed as parts of the hospital. Oh, that's good. Yeah, great. One of us is dressed as a kidney, one of those kidney pads. One of us is dressed as a... As a chair. A urinary catheter bag.

But we just gotta look like parts of the room so that they can't tell and we work and we can work fast like a like a like a pit team. Yeah great. We'll get we'll get we'll get retired race car pit team guys. That's a good idea. Train them, pay for their their like pay for them to go to beautician school. Mm, mm. Okay, and this is when you get like, this is our A-team, like, you know, sometimes we can just take the baby away for 15 minutes

and just, you know, do its nails and sort of. Yeah, maybe we substitute in a baby that we've already done, right, while we take your baby away. So we give in a baby that we've already done, right, while we take your baby away. So we give you a hot baby while we whip your baby away to another room and work on it. Bring it up to scratch. That's one of the benefits is that people are so, like normally, you know, they forget which baby's which, they go home with the wrong baby.

That is something that works to our advantage. Your baby will be switched at birth. Yeah, and they're like, at birth and then switched back again. Yeah but then they're like oh but that initial skin-to-skin is so crucial for the baby. You go well we got a guy who does the skin-to-skin with your baby as well. We've actually laying your baby down on a platform of that guy. And this guy has so much skin. Oh, you've got the guy with the most skin. We've got a guy with excess skin.

He's one of the guys who's, yes, he's had radical weight loss and he's got huge, it's like blankets. So we actually wrap the baby up in his flaps. People are like, what am I going to do with all this excess skin after I've lost this weight? You go go come work for us We need a guy we got a team of ex pit crew Ferrari pit crew guys and We got you and we got an understudy The human blanket. I mean, he's the human gurney. Is it a gurney?

What is it? The bed? The hospital bed? Yeah, gurney. Yeah, he's a human baby. That's a good word, isn't it? And he sits there. Nice word. And he, well he kind of, he sits there with his, with his, both his, he's like on all fours but backwards. Mmm. Oh, okay, on all fours but backwards. Wow. but backwards Wow that sounds Fucked you know like he's kind of doing that thing like a bridge. Oh Wow flexible Yeah, okay, it's not that flexible any to be able to reach back That's pretty fucking flexible. I reckon I don't know well. He's been working out a lot. That's why he's lost all this weight. Oh

Good on to him. I really respect this guy. I mean, it's a shame we're using him as a piece of hospital furniture. Oh. But we are literally objectifying him by using him as an object. Yeah. And telling him he's hot. We will tell him he's hot so that we finish the deal. We will. That's part of the deal. Births and pressures. You know that um, those pit crew things, that speed. That's what I want a haircut to be like.

Why are we not working on making haircuts faster? Yeah. It must be possible. One person does this. I want those guys to gather around me. Yeah. And there to be a flurry. I want it to be like in a Looney Tunes cartoon. I want the hair to be flying all over the place. Cloud. Yeah. Yeah. I want a cloud. Like a a cloud. I want arms and legs flying in and out of this dust cloud. Yeah. I want maybe a cat going Yeah, and a or something like that. And then you hear

Yeah, oh, that's a really yeah, that'd be great. I mean, if a place could offer this as a service, I'm also, I'm really up for it. And again, I think former Ferrari pit crew, I don't know how many ex-pit crew guys they are kicking around, and how keen they are to take on other high pressure jobs that actually involve getting close to human skin a lot of the time. I think as long as you know I think if you promised them that they could still use that thing that goes

you know that goes like oh yeah yeah yeah that thing looks like it's the most fun thing to you. You've you've you've never you've, you've never done that noise before. No, yeah. You just did it really good. Oh, I felt like I missed it. No, but like, but for the first try, it's really impressive. Yeah, I'm trying.

And I can't guarantee you'd get heaps better with practice, but I think a lot of the time, your first try at a sound is really excellent. Thanks, Andy. Thanks Andy. Thank you. Actually Andy, I was thinking about sounds the other day. I was trying to think what are your top three sounds that police cars make? Right?

Oh, well obviously the best one. Yeah, no you go. First, I think number, like number three, you'd go to whoop whoop. There's that one. Whoop whoop. Whoa, that was gonna be my number one. No, no, no, but look.

And then the second one, I think, is that one where they can kind of go like, you know that one that, oh yeah, that's more of a fire truck thing. Oh, know but I thought I thought that maybe cop cars can do it as well Maybe maybe they let some and number one is you know like they can use the speaker sometimes you do realize I didn't know there was a speaker and then they go officer down I mean, I just mean the sound, like the sound. I don't mean the content. You don't mean the sound of specifically being told that there's an officer down.

It's just it's a good sound quality that comes out of the speaker. Yes, of course. Yeah. Is that a bad thing to just jokingly imply on a podcast? No, no, no. I mean, but it is interesting. You don't hear those speakers being used elsewhere. I am often amazed at like, you know, the speakers on a train or the speakers on a tram. Who is it who installs these sound systems? And what, like, at what level did they, did they flunk out of acoustic college?

Or, you know, these are, you know, these are really, these are the only speakers that actually dispense important information that people genuinely need to hear and it's always like this will be the most indecipherable borderline distressing sound you've ever heard in your life. You will be trying to decipher what is happening to your train and it will be painful just to listen. Yeah. You know what? I wouldn't be surprised if we could, um, if we could trace all of this back to like one, like a sound Lord, some, some, some speaker Munger who is so good at salesman

who's so good at,man who's so good and Pardon me. What the hell was that? It was like a hiccup and an inward burp at the same time Anyway, there's a guy who's so good at flinging flinging speakers That that he is kind of controlled the market for so long That he's responsible for all those public speakers. Um, you know, those ones where you're, uh, I don't know. I've, I've even heard one which is out like at an outdoor, you know, like those metal speakers.

They're kind of like a metal speaker with a rod in the middle. Yeah. Yeah. And I've seen them at an outdoor athletics park. That might be a tannoy. Yeah. I think that might be a tannoy. And it seems like whenever you hear it,

you always hear a huge echo, possibly because it's at big outdoor places and it's bouncing off of something. But I like to think it's a feature of the speaker. Ready? of something, but I like to think it's a feature of the speaker. Ready? I mean, they're definitely leaning into it. I don't think they're fighting that effect. And if it's possible to have an outdoor concert, right,

where people can hear the music and enjoy it, then I would argue that it's also possible to have just a speaker telling you when the under fives are starting from the 200 meter starting point under fives though that's a race now that's a race if you can even keep get them going in the right direction yeah you definitely got yourself a race and I guess that's where the fun is, is that they're not all entirely committed to the task at hand.

And it's about also gaining their focus for long enough. Like, because with what you get with under fives that you don't get in a regular race, and I would love to get this, is somebody standing at the end going, come on, come on come on you know like if in the Olympics it would be cool if it was like either the parents or somebody professionally trained to be like come on come on Gat Gat come on Gat Gat you can do it like that

it's got to have some kind of an effect. What you also don't get at the Olympic level is the people who just sort of stop running and then start running again and then stop running and then start running again and then run just right at the end. You know? There's too many people. Oh yeah. I would, too many people who run the whole race and I'd like a little bit more of that.

Yeah, it's a little bit too much hair and a little bit not enough tortoise. Now is it indeed, is it too much to ask that we have an Olympics where they still have the bodies of adults, but they've had the brains of three, four year olds. Three, not three, four year olds, three or four year olds. Oh, the Freaky Friday Olympics. Put into their brains. Yeah. I think I like this a lot. But it's even freakier.

Yeah. You know? I mean, I really love it. Thanks. Because, I mean, think about all the things that they could do with firstly, you get to watch them like as they realize they're in a new body. So you would probably see them. So that's part of the great footage that they're... Oh, that's the opening ceremony.

Because like the Olympics, a lot like, I think, I think it should happen right before the event, right? Because the Olympics, one of the big things for them is all the, is all the, you know, the footage that they get to sell and they're very strict with it, right? But they don't, they don't get enough stuff out there that is like, that touches your heart.

Yes. You know, they've got these stupid sporting events, right? And you know, and there's the challenge of, the greatest challenge of all time and all that kind of stuff. But to watch children's minds enter a grown man or woman's body and for them to realize that they are no longer

who they once knew. And for them to see them cry, but then for them to be told that they have a responsibility. To represent their country. To represent their country. Yeah. And then to watch them take that on mentally. Probably not want to do it, right? But then be convinced maybe with a treat

or something really that we promised, one of their favorite things. Maybe their parents are there, their parents are brought out as an extra thing. They're there. They're at the end. Well, how about this? Wait, wait, at the end, at the other end of the race?

That is really nice. But is it too much to want this, right? That I also want to see those parents having to put that child in the body of an athlete into a baby seat in a car before the, before, to get them to the race. Is that too much to ask? into a baby seat in a car before the before to get them to the race is that too much to ask I mean I think that's great but before they put on the headset that transfers their brain into the into no no no no no no their brain is in the body of the athlete and the parents have to get the the-bodied, the adult-bodied toddler into the car to get them to the Olympics.

Come on, we've got to get to the Olympics, you know, and whoever it is. Oh yeah, of course. I don't know the name of any current Olympians. No, but let's say it's like the the the national champion shot putter Yes, you know right and then you're trying to tie this guy up You're trying to put on this guy's seat belt. Yeah, I guess the earlier back we start the better You know, yeah, maybe the earlier we we shooting, the more footage that we have. Because really people are watching for the tantrums.

The more footage we can sell. I reckon that we could even cut the family in on it a little bit. That's how we can motivate more families to do this. I mean, it'll be easier in the poorer countries to convince them if there's a bit of money involved. I think everyone will do something, you know, every country would, every person would do this to want to get to the Olympics. You know, people do anything. They'll take performance enhancing drugs. They'll take a brain transplant. I think that's... I think there's a risk that people will give their children performance enhancing mind drugs.

I think there's a risk that people will give their children performance enhancing mind drugs. You know, because they'll want their baby or their child. To adapt. Yeah, to excel at this thing and things like that. But I think I almost feel like you need to randomly pick child, children out of the crowd and then take their brains. Look, I'll allow it. out of the crowd and then take their brains. Look, I'll allow it. Alastair, I'm gonna put you in charge of deciding

how we choose the brains, the child's brains. Okay, thank you, Andy. But then that's the thing is that though, because of that, if you're picking people that are at the stadium, a lot of parents may have prepped their children and I don't like that I don't yeah I don't like that as much it's gone it's there we're losing some of the purity and the purity of the kid was kids response the

footage is not going to be as good really gets us back to that amateur Olympic spirit that's right that's what we Because what is a child if not an amateur adult? We are getting to that, you know, and we're really and what we're getting to see is we're getting to see We really get to see what the body can do I think as well. Like how good is this body really? Because a lot of the time, a lot of the athletes at the Olympics have quite a bit of drive. And to me, I'm not interested in that.

I'm just interested in what the body can do. Yeah, the Olympics, the normal Olympics, they say, you know, with any of these sports, they say 90% of it is mental. Well, I don't care about the mental aspect. Yeah, yeah. I only care about the physical aspect. I've only really used that 10%.

You know, I wanna see somebody who doesn't, basically almost doesn't have a mind, what can they do with that body? Exactly, finally. We'll see what the body is capable of. Shaun of the straight jacket. Of the hairs of intelligence. That's right.

And those hairs of intelligence will be used to make a toothbrush. Actually, when you do look at the... A promotional toy toothbrush. Promotional. We could sponsor the Olympics. You know the connections in the brain, they kind of look a little bit like one of those, if you were to take away the sort of the brain as the medium, like as the sort of the Petri dish goo for those chains. Those connections do kind of, are a bit hair-like.

They're almost like one of those plants. What are those plants that are kind of really like, they're kind of bushy. No, they're not bushy, but they're like a soft, oh, what plant am I thinking of? Maybe I'm thinking of like a seaweed. I really don't know. Yeah. A moss? Are you thinking of? Maybe I'm thinking of like a seaweed. I really don't know. Yeah.

A moss? Are you thinking of a moss? It's somewhere between a seaweed, a plant and a moss. They're all probably from different kingdoms maybe. Lichen? You think you have lichen? Oh, Andy, I apologize. I can't take this.

If I can't even make, I mean, I can imagine it, but then I'm starting to wonder whether I'm imagining it, you know, from pure imagination rather than just from memory. You know what I would love to see? I would love to see a brain that has been bred to have some muscle in it, so that the brain can get around on its own. Yeah, okay.

Like, just by sort of on its own. Yeah okay. You know like that just just by sort of squirming. Yeah sort of like like a snail. Bunching up and stretching out. Yeah or like a leech or like a slug or something like that. I mean I would like to think that if you put enough brain and muscle around it that it would create little muscle fingers that it could walk on or something.

You know. I don't know I feel like I just want the brain to sort of just squelch and stretch itself. For your entertainment or? Expand. Or just that it would do that to try to get around. For some reason, I think that it would be smarter. Yeah. A brain that only really had to focus on being a brain

and then sort of squirming around. I think it, I mean, I realized we'd have to still give it some way of communicating with the outside world. But I think if we could get a brain down to the point of being able to operate without too much of the sort of the fluff and the cuff. But do you think it would learn to use the muscle? Distractions.

It would learn to use the muscle as a means of getting about? Or are you saying that the brain would itself try to work as a muscle? I kind of want the brain to work as a muscle. I mean I'm not sure if we have to put some... Well how much movement is in there, is going on in there? I'm sorry about this. This is fucking... this is nothing. This is absolutely nothing.

But I feel, you know, like maybe the brain does move a little bit. Maybe it can sort of squish and squirt. Is there nothing in the brain that moves at all? I don't know. Yeah. Is there a lot of going on in there? Maybe is it contracting and expanding and is it is it wriggling? Do you think I never feel a wriggle? But it might be like you how you can't hear your own snores a lot of the time, you know, the brain yeah Cuts it out. It doesn't want you to feel that. Doesn't want you to sense that.

And so maybe there is a lot of wriggling and stuff like that. It's, you know, maybe it gets really tense when it's afraid and it sort of bounces around when it's excited like a puppy. I mean, it's, I mean, it definitely, gosh. I mean, it's, I mean, it definitely, gosh, I mean, imagine feeling your brain sort of squirming around in your head. I'm trying to picture what that would feel like.

And I'm telling you right now, it's upsetting. It's upsetting to feel like your brain is not happy where it is or it's uncomfortable in some way and it is moving around in there. I see what you're saying about would the brain cut that out because if the brain is where the self is located, the consciousness, then really it feels like it is at the center of itself all the time. And so, you know, from the brain's point of view, maybe the brain doesn't move, you know, maybe the brain,

even if it was moving, the brain would still be exactly where it was. Do you know what I'm saying? I believe so. Yeah. Yeah. So, but how would you, how can you capture the idea of the brain squirming around inside the skull? Like, what about, how would you feel if you went and...

It's kicking. It's kicking. You went to get an MRI or an x-ray or something, or an ultrasound, and they show you your brain squirming around, and it would be an ultrasound, wouldn't it? And seeing your brain squirming and doing little back flips or something like that. Yeah, I mean, even if it was just squirming, imagine that, like this is the beginning of a film where it's like the doctor's like,

I've never seen this before, your brain appears to be squirming. And then later on, the brain punches through the skull. Oh, here we go. And escapes. Yeah, it's a brain break. Yeah. Tonight we're gonna have a brain break somewhere in this town.

Smashing out. Yeah. Through the front. Because you know what I also think? I think that maybe because the brain communicates through electrical signals, if somebody touches the brain, it might be able to then control or communicate with that brain, with the other person through the fingers, through chemical signals, electrical signals through the, just through its membrane or whatever.

It's a good, it's a really good idea to have a brain that's like a parasitic brain. I don't think I've ever seen this. I'm sure it's been done. But like a brain that busts out of somebody's skull and sort of goes on a rampage, right? And then like climbs up on top of somebody else's head and then like sticks its little brain stem in through the back of their neck and like bypasses their brain, cuts their brain off and starts operating their body and there's like this squishy brain sitting up on top of their skull as they lurch around. Yeah that's good. Doing the beating of

this brain, this brain that jumps from head to a good horror film. Yeah, maybe it could be somebody who is sick and dying and the brain escapes. Yeah. The brain's like, not today. Yeah. I'm not going down with this ship. And then yeah, that it may be, I mean, I do like to, look, this image of the brain crawling up onto another bed

and smothering somebody who's asleep. Yeah. You know, just sits over their mouth. Yeah. And then maybe it was somebody that was paralyzed, right? And then it sticks its brain stem in, and it, like, which fixes the part where maybe the brain spine thing had been disconnected,

and they couldn't move their body because of it, but now it can, and now this new brain can take control. I'd still like to think that it could probably just take control through the fingers, but. Yeah, well, mine's, you know, mine's a like, mine's a more physical kind of horror film kind of idea. Mine's. Yeah.

Yours is more cerebral. It's really cerebral, my brain idea. And digital. My guy, yeah, I think he would go from head to head and from brain to brain. It is interesting that the brain really does go down with the ship. You know, it is expected, it's the done thing. You know, like the captain is supposed to go down with the ship, it is expected, it's the done thing.

You know, like the captain is supposed to go down with the ship, because I suppose the captain really is the brain of the ship. And if they've made the decisions that have got the ship into this situation, so they have to go down with it. And so too, it is traditional for the brain to go down with the body, because the brain is the one that has made the decisions That have led to the body getting into this situation

And you know, maybe maybe dying because the brain did this and that and then now the brain has to live with the consequences But I like it. Yeah a brain that just refuses to abide by tradition well, I love that and like the the idea with the with the abide by tradition. Well, I love that the idea with the ship captains is that even though this ship captain technically probably could learn from this mistake and captain ships better in the future because of this, I think that the sort of shipping philosophy seems to be that, no, there's no way I will be able to learn from this. I just do the same thing again.

And so we have to destroy, we have to destroy the body with the ship. Yeah. This brain is spoiled now. You can like a brain is only like a captain is only good until he's sunk one ship They're just they're single use single use captains Sort of it's not even sort of it's exactly that Andy single you know, I'm so wasteful. I mean Hmm I mean that that would be the case if the captain had to go down with the ship every

time the ship made a journey or like if we'd never worked out how to turn ships around so when they get to their destination we just smash a hole in the bottom sink them and put in another ship facing in the opposite direction and the captain has to go down on the ship. That's right. He has to go down on it. Oh no. He has to fallate. Yeah, or maybe one of the big. They don't actually want you to die with the ship.

They say if the sinking ship is you have to go down and fallate it. Fallate the rudder. And that was a huge misunderstanding everybody thought you had to die with the ship no no no no you just have to go down just and put it just a swim down under the maybe it's the those penis like things that stick off all the way around the ship's wheel the captain's wheel oh yeah a perfect thing to fill it felt like rosary beads mmm with fellation fellation fellation yeah I mean I guess there is a sketch in sort of this somebody trying to bring in this new

world thinking that maybe captains don't need to go down with their ship this would have happened at some point. And a captain that believes that of course everybody needs to go. An old school guy and them meeting after one of the new school guys ships has sunk and the old school guy is very surprised. What are you doing here? I saw your ship just sink. You know? And then what does he, what does he, what does he have to do? Does he want to try

and get him, take him down there? Yeah, oh you forgot and then I guess he wants to take him down there and sort of, here let me help you. I'll hold your face in a bowl of water. You must have have forgotten you're new around here you don't know how we do things yeah oh my boy my boy no no no you look it's here on the news you're you're you know what was the name of that big cruise ship the costa concordia look the costa concordia um it's it's here it's in it is sunk my boy here let me take you down to the to the uh to the bay and i will uh i will hold you down it is hard sometimes to drown let me help you it's it's hard the first time with honor yes um andy i think that we have six sketch ideas and that would allow us to

have three words from a listener. Here we go. Now Andy, today's three words come from somebody I've already mentioned today, listener Will Runting. Will Runting, what a great celebration of Will Runting this episode is. Will Runting. Will Runting, what a great celebration of Will Runting this episode is. Will Runting had clearly tried to foreshadow the release of his words, of his work recently. And let me, oh I feel like maybe because it's been released, you might be more capable of guessing because, let me just read his message. Hi again, I'd like to submit three words from a listener, but these are not my words, which is kind of fitting once you know what the words are.

Alright, okay. And the words are actually from Andy Matthews. I've collected all of Andy's guesses for the three words section from the 255 episodes where he made a guess. So the words, wow, I can't believe we've only done that for 255 episodes. So the words sent in today are Andy's most frequently guessed words.

They are in order. So the first word in today are Andy's most frequently guessed words. They are in order. So, the first word is what he guesses the most as the first word, etc. And those three words are, Andy, would you like to try to guess? This is really interesting because I try not to guess the same words. Obviously I've guessed some words more than once, many times more than once. Some many times more than once maybe. But I'm gonna start with reciprocating because I feel like that's a word I think of often and I just can't remember if I always say it but reciprocating. Andy I am sorry the first word is kleptomania. That is my most commonly guessed word. Yes. I don't believe that. At least it was at the time.

It's actually equal first with Cromulant. I've never guessed either of those words. Andy, you have. I definitely know that you have. What? And you have both guessed those four times as a first guess. You're kidding. That's fucked. Okay. And then so, does that mean that the first two words are kleptomania and chromulite? No because now you are going to guess what is the most common second guess. Okay. Rancid. No that's not even in the top three. Whoa. No Andy the second word is of. Okay. It's a head by one.

You've also guessed that four times. It's a head of cubic and lozenge. Okay, wow. Kleptomania of... And so, what's the third word? Is that my most common third word guess? Yeah, most common third guess. Buttholes. No. Words. Kleptomania of words. This is exactly what Real Runting did. He stole all your words, Andy, and all your data.

And he's selling it back to us for free. Using AI or something. Yeah. And he's selling it back to us for free. Yeah. And he's selling it back to us for free. And he's selling it back to us for free. Mm, using AI or something.

I interest, an interest. There you go. An interest in our podcast. In the podcast. Yes. All right, kleptomania of words. It makes me think of a dictionary, where, I mean, what is it?

It's like a dictionary, a proprietary dictionary. Andy, we've put a thousand dictionaries into this large language model and it's come up with words that you guys would come up with Wow It's predicted what words the car it knows the kind of words that we we would say Soon we would Those where the language would go actually think that there's pick up the trend something to this idea because Yeah, it's like it's kind of like that. This will make up the kind of things that you would make up.

It's like, yeah, but we didn't and we don't use that and we won't. And I feel like it's like that with the same thing with the idea that it would write a movie. Anyway, we haven't come up with it. No, I like it. And I think that what this will allow us to do is it'll allow us to release the word of the year for next year and the year after.

We will be able to get a little sneak peek at the word of the year for 2049, maybe even. And it'll be largely. It'll be good to be able to largely no largely largely and and then we'll be able to get the the merch all prepared mmm get a nice little stockpile of largely but hats and what does the I see that largely means Andy it means I mean they're always something to do with fucking social media or something these days aren't they largely is somebody who used to follow you on, uh, on a social media app, but has now become your adoptive father.

So they've gone from being a parasocial relationship to a parental relationship. And that'll be a thing that happens a lot in the future. A parent-social relationship. Yeah, that's right. You get... or a rental relationship. And that'll be a thing that happens a lot in the future. A parent-social relationship. Yeah, that's right. You get... One, it's the ultimate connection, I guess, like you love the people that you follow on social media.

Well, what greater love could there be than that of a parent for a child? Now, the ultimate, if there'll be a patreon tier or something and you'll be able to pay that much and adopt you know whichever popstar or Influencer you you adore the most and That'll be the end. Oh, that'll be cool, but you have to stop following them, right? Anyway, the word for that is flarchley.

Flarchley. I was wondering, it sounded like you were heading somewhere else with this kleptomania. It wasn't much, it wasn't much at all, Alastair, but I like, you know, like they're always discovering new books of the Bible, right? Well, they're not really, but they're always discovering new books of the Bible, right? Well, they're not really, but they'd find Dead Sea Scrolls or whatever. What if they found another book of the dictionary

that had a whole lot of other words in it? Yes. Right? That we didn't know about. And what would that mean for the language? An even more anal person just started writing down everything that he heard, but it's the long lost dictionary of Alexandria.

Still an English dictionary. Still got a lot of- Still got an English dictionary. It's written on Parapus scrolls. But- Parapus? Is that what it is? Parapus? Papyr what it is? Parapus?

Papyrus. Papyrus? What, I mean, but I think, you know, the sudden introduction of a whole, because there's a million words in the English language. Papyrus. Papyrus. Is that right? Yeah, that's it.

But what would we do and how would we react if all of a sudden a million extra words appeared? I think it would be very exciting. And the people who had read that dictionary and who were using all of those words would have all this cultural cache and the people who hadn't read that dictionary, they would be left behind, unable to communicate on the level with the depth and richness. Maybe this is, it's by Shakespeare. It's written by Shakespeare. You know how he was always coming up with words? We find all the other words he'd come up with.

I think that's really weird. This would be huge. Because it does give him a bit of street cred. You know? And I can already picture people are going through it and they're putting little clips of individual word definitions on social media and they're going, Peter Dutton is one of these.

And then it'll have like, it'll be called like a pop smoker. And- That's actually a pretty good description. It's a description, yeah, well that was actually a pretty good description it's a description yeah well that was the that was actually the word rather than the description and then he it says like you know he's a one who sticks his head in a bucket of syrup in order one who's been forced to stick his head in a bucket of syrup for nothing of any good comes out of the holes in his head.

Oh, the words of Shakespeare. Like they dribbled out of his mouth, hold themselves. Like a bit of syrup. Beautiful to see the bard at work. I was just picturing somebody called the Bob but and then he's a bad boy name because it's like the name of a sharp thing but everybody thinks it's always bad boy name hey the Bob boy the Bob boy name yeah maybe but I think I picture it more as a wrestler the barb but then everybody thinks that

it's like a woman called Barb. Like, you know, with curly hair and thick glasses. Yeah, I know who you mean. I mean, that would be great as a wrestler. Huge muscley guy. Oh, sure, sure. Sort of a, like a, not a blanche, but like a Betty White style wig

from Golden Girls, right? Big, thick glasses like the grandmother and the nanny, right? Sleeveless shirt, you know, like big pearl necklace. Yeah, yeah. And he's called the Barb. And I think that's a great recipe. What about this?

The Barb Arian, or maybe that's his full name Yeah, right Arian the Barb Arian. I mean, I guess that definitely That gives that character some complexity. He's not a one-note. Oh Absolutely, there's at least two notes there. Yeah, because it's like, okay, so you, you, you're, you do like... He's a Betty White supremacist. Oh my gosh. Okay. Um, cause I mean, I think it's the cross dressing that probably will confuse people.

It's funny because it's like the left, the left, are against him because he's a white supremacist, Betty White Supremacist. And then the right hate him as well. He's the, he's the, he's the perfect heel. They'd hate him because he's cross-dressing. Yes, and then the left, they're not sure if he's doing that. If he's just doing it sort of like a drag, like in an insensitive way,

but no, he's actually genuinely doing it. It's very sincere and that's a part of who he is. Like, he's really a one supremacist? No, but he's really, he really is a drag performer, you know, he's a drag queen. Yeah. And that is part of his identity. But a huge wrestler and they're trying to keep him away from the belt because they're like, our league can can't handle this having this guy as a spokesperson for our league but then he wins yeah you know even that angry way I they always yell. Mm. And, and what that does is so confusing.

It always comes up with a tray of scones. It actually destroys reality. It actually tears the universe apart. And it actually... Because people don't know what to make of it. It allows us, it creates a hole that allows us to get to a more, a reasonable timeline. Or maybe the whole... And then we have to thank, once we get out of this timeline, we have to constantly thank

the Barb Arian. We tore a hole in the fabric of our reality and escaped from this curse timeline, is that what you're saying? Maybe into a better one. The only problem is we do have to worship this character for their role. Unfortunately, the greatest human that to have ever existed was a white supremacist. And it wasn't because they are themselves great, but what they did Accidentally through just being this this insane human. Yeah, but what is what is normal really? I don't want to say I'm rude. I

Don't want to say I don't want to be like, but I think the white supremacist part definitely would in contrast to the other aspects. Oh, I know. Here I am and he's beginning to tiptoe around this issue. Here you are beginning to tear yourself apart Alastair, this is exactly what he wants. But also what he's capable of. He doesn't even exist yet. Imagine the effect on the universe that he would have. Andy, I think that's it. I'll take us through the sketch ideas for today.

I think that's it too. We've got people with hot food in their mouth and the culture. And it's the culture and it's finally an accent that we can make fun of. We've got the human hair toothbrush. Mom, I've got a hair on my mouth. Perfect. Good. Oh yeah, and then also they go in and they take, they can take, make really soft brushes

from soft toothbrushes from baby hair. But then from that, it allowed us to get to first births impressions. This is the people that come in and they clean up the baby before the mother has to see how hideous and you know it would be great to get some cucumbers on that baby to remove some of that puffiness they have. You know maybe a cold spoon on the eye or something. Yeah. You know because they come out, they are puffy.

We call that baby right down. And then we guarantee you'll want to date your baby. I genuinely, I think I have a bit, I have like a bit that could lead into this really well right now. Okay, great. We got the Freaky Friday Olympics. We get small children's minds or brains into the adult athlete's body and then we get a lot of great footage. See what they do with that raw power. Yeah with that raw power. After they get past the shock of no longer being themselves. You know, then we've got the squirming brain, the, uh, the one that escapes from the body and then goes and, um, you know, murders a bunch, you know, why, I mean, why else would you want to escape your body, your skull? We've got the single use captains and, uh, the, and the philosophy, uh, the

clashing of the philosophies, the old school and the philosophy, the clashing of the philosophies. Yes. Old school and the new school. You know, the one who's, the old school who's still carries around the pride, he is alive because he never sunk a boat. Yep, that's the way, that's the right way to do it, to be alive, is to not sink your boat.

If you wanted to be alive, you shouldn't have sunk your boat. That's right, and then him explaining to one who has sunk his boat who hasn't died with his thing and then we've got an AI that is all that has absorbed all the dictionaries and it comes up with words that we would come up with and I mean I think that firstly I think we would be insulted because it's like this is something you would come up with. That's what you do. Yeah, that's what... Yeah, I think that would be the first time maybe humans could be possibly insulted by a robot.

And then it comes up ahead of time, it comes up with some of the words of the year for us. And then we have, oh, we find a long lost dictionary by Shakespeare. Yeah, or you know, or maybe it's like Da Vinci's notebooks where he's like, oh it turns out Da Vinci invented a helicopter years before the helicopter. Oh turns out, yeah, turns out Shakespeare came up with a milkshake duck. Yeah, exactly. 2000 years, 1,500 years before him. 2000 years.

What year was he from? Is he like, is he from the 1800s? Shakespeare? 1600s. 1600s. I mean, you know, it feels so much further away than that, doesn't it? Yeah, maybe it was the 1500s.

Thine, thine possum is't in mine crucible. That's something he'd say. Thine... Thine possum, thine possum! The possum! A waiter, thine fly ist ich bin ein... Why is he speaking so much German? Why is Shakespeare so German? What do you think? 1564 to 1616.

Old English is not that far from... It's not that old, it? Yeah but this is actually modern you know Shakespeare this is the thing Shakespeare is actually considered modern English and that's how much change there is that's how much change there is. Yeah. Anyway and then we've got the Barb Arian the wrestler who's the contradiction of their existence, who's a Betty White supremacist, an old dressed up as a sort of a golden girl style woman but a huge burly man, and the contradiction within them tears the fabric in this reality and allows us to escape to a reasonable timeline

and we have to then praise the barbarian for the rest of our days. He actually starts the whole world wrestling. That's the way the World federation lives up to its title which started the whole world wrestling before we had weapons is that what fighting would have been for humans do you think we would have just wrestled? would have all been just grabbing and writhing around pulling on the leg. Yeah. That's feels dangerous, doesn't it? Feels dangerous going down, but people do do it.

They call it, I think, ankle picking or whatever like that. And you grab the person's ankle, but it feels like as you're leaning in, you're gonna get a knee to the face. Yeah. That is the risk. But there is no- That is the risk to play. Without risk, there is no reward Andy.

Mmm, I'm gonna get down on the ground right now. I'm never gonna get up. And I'm gonna pick the next angle that approaches my hand. I'll be ready. Andy? Alastair, it's been a pleasure. Baaap! Deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez-deez- fun stuff in there Andy. Alastair that's great. Also I literally told you I was I had woken up the most refreshed I had in a long time. That's true. I think that there were maybe a few bits of silence but that's that's my my only criticism Andy of this episode. But can we can we oh yeah we do have to put out a big

thank you to all the Will Runting things out there and the Jason's and the Absolutely, you know all the people who because Jason had built a database beforehand Yeah sketch ideas and that's some of the stuff that will yeah I know I know Braden Douglas had been doing some been adding stuff. Yeah and And others I don't want to start it. I've been adding stuff and Hungry Muggle Gobbler and I know and look I'm just gonna I'm gonna you know and you know your your Marv Huckers and your and your let's see I'm just like scrolling through my oh there's definitely more That have contributed to that and I'm really sorry that I do not have their names at hand but thank you to all and

to all a good night and Thank you so much from me and And from Alistair he didn't say it, but but thank you from him as well and We love He didn't say it, but thank you from him as well. And we love you. Bye, thanks so much.