Two In The Think Tank - 473 - "I'M SAD ASYLUM"

Episode Date: April 23, 2025

Sketch Spreadsheet by Will Runt: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1e2HYV7-VcnAV08wyHA7OFbqh_UCnVDUheiNFiqxPX_Y/edit?usp=sharingThink Tank Institute: https://lookerstudio.google.com/s/kH2int_ZkuIPants Illustrated: https://www.instagram.com/pants.illustrated?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==Andy's appearance on "Unconventional Pathways" https://open.spotify.com/episode/13Vvnv8E0ws4mHOQV1JTLS?si=QbBr7oIySE-ESOYeruvScgAndy's appearance on Pitch Bleak on Youtube: https://youtu.be/grK7kSL_T2g?si=sVX-s1mhXx9ZhQDfThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh Welcome to take the shower we come up with ideas Who are you I said it I know but a bit too late I said it I know but a bit too late I am Alistair George William Trumbly virtual. Thank you for listening to you know You know, you know why there was a big pause before I said my name what? To get a nerd literally because I got so caught up Thinking about how good a job I was doing of remembering to say the name of the podcast.

And feeling proud of myself and thinking Alistair, he's got nothing on me this time, he's got nothing. I have time to reflect on how he has nothing to Yes, nothing on me to criticize me for and and I know I could and I know and you know what? I'm proud of myself because I've proven to myself that I can do it and I don't need him for anything You know what Andy and you should be allowed a little moment where you're you know a little Andy and you should be allowed a little moment where you're you know a little You know a little moment where you're allowed to feel good, you know, but not on this podcast oh

No Andy we don't feel good here This is not that this is not the time or the place Alastair what about a little a little room? Yeah at work a room at work and so about a little room at work? A room at work? Sort of like a prayer room. Sort of like a prayer room. But what happens to them? Well, you go in there and you just feel proud of yourself.

Which is crazy because if it's next to the prayer room, the people in the prayer room, they think that that's a sin. Oh no, yeah. If it's next to the prayer room the people in the prayer room they think that that's a sin. Oh No, yeah Well if they're gonna have a prayer if they're if they're allowed to have a religion a room for religions We should have be allowed to have a room for the sinners. Yeah, that's true Vile scum who will be condemned to burn forever in hell. Yeah, and they can go in there and Have a little wank. For feeling proud and having wanks. Well, it's because it's a room for all non-religious things

that you want to do. That's right. You know? And is it only the non-religious or can the religious go in there and do non-religious things? I mean imagine if it had been built with lead lined walls so that God can't see through Even with his x-ray eyes. I think that even if God did exist you should be allowed to not be religious Absolutely, and I think he would I think he would agree I mean if God wasn't like a needy little bitch, then that would be the case. I can tell somebody's in their lead-lined A-religion room right now. Yeah, I am. I wonder, like, I've never been in a prayer room, but I assume they're pretty small.

Right? I can't imagine it's a big room. But then... Have you ever been in a church? Yeah. Yeah, I have been in that. That's a prayer room. That could be quite large. I was thinking about this week about how crazy it is that they wouldn't... that they have... You know, because Montreal was a big, you know, church controlled city for a long time. And so there's a lot of churches.

So crazy. Yeah. And isn't it crazy to build a building that is so over the top and extravagant for one day a week? People only meet there one day a week. Yeah. I mean, that's mean that's Airbnb is crying out for a disruption of the industry if you ask me. Yeah. One day a week. Like, can we, like what, so this can't be used for anything else? Ah, the pews are sort of a set in place and you can't really change the configuration. Yeah. You know what we'd bloody call this? What? You know what we're gonna call this? Prayer B&B. are sort of a set in place and you can't really change the configuration yeah you

know what we'd bloody call this what you know what we're gonna call this prayer B&B yeah okay prayer be where prayer B&B you can you can you can book a religious institution at whatever place you're going to and you can do whatever you want in there on any other day of the week that isn't Sunday as long as you leave the pews back where they're supposed to be. And pew, oh no, it's fun, isn't it? It's fun. They have the same.

And this is why, this is why the name of their chairs got used for lasers because they only use those chairs one day well You know and it's like fucking you use it or lose it mate a great one mother some other noun Some other nameless noun is gonna is gonna is gonna take it up and you know they gave it to some leave it idle Yeah, they give it to something really fun to a laser Yeah, they give it something really fun too. A laser. A laser gun. Somehow it feels like it would be nicer to kill somebody with a laser gun than with a gun.

Let's see there. Well, it cauterizes the wound itself, I believe. So the dead person won't get infected. Yes. So that's nice, that's nice for their family. They won't be as bloated and as disfigured, I presume. So you'll be able to stuff them and put them on the mantelpiece or whatever? It does scare me a little bit, the idea of being chopped up with a laser. Yeah, no, being chopped with a laser. Yeah. I don't like a laser sword that much because that seems too good. But a laser blaster of some kind. But I'm only saying I like it above killing somebody with a gun. You know what, that's true. Yeah. You

did say that. I didn't say it. I love it as a sort of an everyday hobby I'm not saying that I think everyone should do it I'm just saying for people who are currently being killed by a By a firing weapon, okay, it might be a good option now. Tell me more about prayer B&B Well, I'm not I'm not interested in talking about it anymore, but what I would like to say is that I've written it down though, so what is this? Pray B&B, I've told you it's a it's a it's a share Service to the Airbnb of Religion, but you can book out a church and you can do whatever you want in there

All right, maybe specifically it's maybe it's not ever whatever you want, but maybe you can pray to anybody Right, okay, or and it doesn't even have to be a God. So maybe you can put one out and just pray to yourself Sunday night they take down the Jesus's They take down the Jesus's and you can turn up with the Jesus's to face the wall Be cool to make a double-sided Jesus Crucifix, you know, let's say it was like a just a bloody It was a couple of you know, it was a couple of, you know, there was a couple of things in there.

And you turn it around. And it's, you know, it could be, what's his name? Ron Hoffman there. Ron Hoffman. No, not Ron Hoffman. Ron Hoffman? No, L. Ron Hubbard. L. Ron Hubbard.

Who's Ron Hoffman? I don't know. I don't know. Is he the guy, is he the boss from Parks and Recreation? That's Ron Swanson maybe? Ron Swanson. Yeah. Yeah, very good. I didn't think you would know anything about that show. Well Andy, I normally don't have access to names in my thing. In your brain? Yeah, in my brain. Names in your brain. Names in my thing. But what about this, if they're gonna have a prayer room in our secular buildings, they should have a blasphemy room in a church. I'm gonna start a court cases Just start a court case. It's a religious freedom thing. Okay. Yes, it is exactly I should be able to go in there and Call God a dirty little bitch

That's right. And if this is and if there's a if there's like a holy water there should be cursed water in there as well. Cursed water yes and what does cursed water have in it? Piss. It's been cursed by a witch. Sparkling. It's got its base, it's mother. It's mother. So they should if they're gonna have holy water they should have a big font full of mother energy drink. But I do love like one of these like mega churches that has Holy Mother. Mmm yeah. And the priest has blessed all this mother energy drink and then all the guys with the sun sunglasses behind them. You could pray all night. Oh mate, praying all night long.

Yeah, I pulled an all nighter. How much do you think on average, the average religious person prays? Is it just on the side? Do you think they're doing, is it like practicing an instrument? Do you have to do like an hour a day? Four hours if you're praying at a professional level? Yeah, I think it is like an elite athlete, I presume. And yeah, that same kind of, you know, you want to be, you want your soul to be so jacked,

like you want that six pack of sanctity, baby, on your core beliefs. That was it, don't say nothing. Don't say nothing. Don't say nothing. I started writing down ideas because I had to fix the prayer B&B thing. As I clearly flail. I had to fix the prayer B&B thing. Even though I gave it to you perfect. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm just trying to fix the first things that we've written down because, you know know we kind of like threw an idea out there Yeah, Andy Yeah, that's good. You're doing great. I'm sorry. It was my insecurity that led me to lash out then yeah, that's okay

What about this you picture various people various famous people? With a baby Mmm, and yeah, oh oh yeah oh yeah here we go let's see I could eat a baby for hours see this is that's Nick Cage Um, yep, okay. Who's somebody else who's funny to picture with a baby? Um, uh, Prince Charles? Or the Pope who died? Uh, the Pope who died. Imagine that, Pope's on... I've, I've, this is the first Pope that I feel bad about him dying.

Yeah, well he wasn't looking good at the end there. No, no, no, you're right. I mean, I'm not surprised he died. How about this, you know, wouldn't it be cool if you were at your hottest right before you died? I mean, to some people you are, you know? Yeah. To...

Well, to some people... I mean, that's an interesting part of necrophiliacs where they're like, I don't like to have sex with the dead, I like to have sex with the people who are almost dead. Oh, yeah, the rest of the necrophiliacs would think you were disgusting. Yeah, and there's something really interesting about that because actually on paper, that's completely fine. And maybe something that someone

who's almost dead would enjoy, maybe. Maybe, maybe throwin' a bone. Yeah, yeah, you're right. We need to really as a society we really need to look at ourselves and work out what our priorities are. Yeah. It's interesting that you know for a necrophiliac watching somebody die you would say I watched the life leave their eyes and jump straight into my penis. Um. I wonder if that's where it goes.

Yeah. It's like, I mean, there's definitely a direct transfer. I wonder if like, if, um, they, they put on the weight that the person lost from their soul leaving their body, their soul. I wonder if maybe, maybe that's what an erection is. It's a soul entering your penis. I don't know if you get an erection that's because somebody died. Who are you? Who are you mate? Are you somebody's grandpa? Oh I mean it would make sense if they're then lining up for a reincarnation, you know,

and they're there to like jump onto the back of one of the sperm is there to jump onto the back of one of the sperm as it goes past like you're leaping onto a wild Mustang in a stampede from I guess from a helicopter and ride it all the way to the little eggy at the other end. Yeah, exactly. Do you think that if you were the soul, you would just enter one of the sperms? Or do you think that you would wait for all the sperms to get close to the egg and then you'd sort of, you know... Pick the winner. Yeah, try to pick a winner there. You got more chance of getting into an egg At that point. Yeah, I mean I guess maybe it's a but I don't know like there's a purity of it of it

Like it's just gambling, you know, you just got a yeah, just got to try your luck And that's what you know, and that's what keeps people addicted to the cycle of reincarnation. Yeah, that's cool Feels like an egg is a better place to store a soul. Yes, you're right. And it feels like the, maybe this is it, maybe women's souls are reincarnated in eggs. And they, because women are better than men, they get higher odds. But because men don't deserve a second chance. And we sort of have to die in more wild ways a lot of the time. You know?

And so we have a punt, we love a punt. We love a punt. Yeah, and I think that this belief system could be one of the things that happens on maybe a Wednesday at the church that we're rinting out with prayer B&B. You know? Yes, good. Yeah, I mean, if Sunday's the holiest day, does that make Monday the least holy day or

is it like Thursday because it's the furthest away? Yeah, Saturday wasn't good for this, for believing in erections I don't think. Which day did you suggest? Thursday. Thursday, yeah it could be more of a Thursday thing. Yeah I'm in with that. Good. Because I think just you know like I think you know it's more of like a working man's thing but it's like you you get to have almost a long weekend you know and you go there and you do kind of set like do you think all the guys like if somebody gets an erection while they're in church they have to go and stand up the front and everybody kind of claps or something.

You know, and they welcome the soul and they, he maybe goes into the confession booth with, with someone. With the priest. Maybe. I thought, I thought they're going to try to get, put the soul into somebody. Well, whatever they are. Could be a female priest. You don't know how to stand you very very sexist the way you are planning at your

erection based church Starting to sound a tiny bit sexist It's starting to sound a tiny bit sexist. Not like you Andy, the guy who's suggesting the priest, the female priest, have to have sex with all the men. I didn't say she had to. I didn't say she had to, Alastair. Thank you Andy. Thank you for fixing that. Because I was appalled at your thinking.

I had something else that I wanted to say. Was it about sperm? I hope it wasn't. I felt like it wasn't, and I was quite excited to have something to say that wasn't directly penis or sperm related and so I was what about a paper bag that you wear over your head but as a fashion statement and it's not because you're ugly okay good and I mean and and and they do it so that you can suggest it to other people you should start wearing a paper bag over your head yeah and the other thing is that some of the most delicious

things in life are stored in paper bags. That's right. Some of the most beautiful things you could imagine. A apricot Danish. Hello. I mean if on it honestly if anything if I see a paper bag especially with a little bit of grease peeping through the brown paper, I couldn't be more thrilled and excited to tear it open and see what's inside. So if you're, and I reckon that kind of association is, it could be good for the Ugo community. That's right. And one that they would rightly seize upon. So we would say this isn't just a paper bag we're suggesting you put over your head.

This is a paper bag with oil stains on it. Oil stains and maybe some crumbs. And maybe some crumbs. We're saying one of the most potentially delicious things is likely in this bag. Now put it on, Ago. All you need is one really hot person to start wearing it. Yeah, that's true. At the catwalk, at the Met Gala. Yeah. Or the Meat Gala. No, that's true. At the catwalk. At the Met Gala. Yeah. Or the Meat Gala. No, that's nothing.

That's really good. The Wet Gala. No, that's nothing as well. What about this? You're so attractive, you could put a paper bag over your entire body and just have your head poking out. That's right. I used to have a joke like that, where it was somebody has a... Did you?

No, no, no, but it was about how somebody had a pretty face. But then, you know, but then, but I don't like doing it now because I feel like it's more negative. Somebody has a, like a nice face, but then their body is unattractive. And so you say, no, no, no, no, maybe, but you could put, and don't put a paper bag on your head,

but you could put on a sleeping bag. You know? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. put on a sleeping bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, as I was saying it, you know, I was like, I feel like Al did have a joke about this area, but then I thought, but he wouldn't have done, he wouldn't have been so smart and clever as to do the inversion of the bag being over your entire body only I could come up with this That's right. There's limits everybody's cleverness

And you may have found mine No, I think you did You did it all I'll say you've been there. You've explored that terrain Yeah, that's pretty fun. Isn't it? Having had the past this This is the thing about having a past is that you're like, oh, it's good that I did that. And then, but then you're like, but oh no, I'm getting starting to get too much past. He died. I'm starting to get too much past. I don't have enough future left. Bloated with past. I am certainly running out of people who

achieved who didn't start their career or achieve vast success until after the age that I'm at. Yeah. You know like I'm seeing fewer and fewer of those inspirational stories that really give me hope. Yeah. And, yeah, I'm very much more in the, he'd done all of this and then he died by the age that I am at, sort of time. There's a lot more of those ones. I'm seeing more of those ones.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those guys. Hey, there's still Rodney Dangerfield. Mm, mm, there's a, yeah, right, we've always got Rodney. Those guys. Hey, there's still Rodney Dangerfield. Yeah, right, we've always got Rodney. What time did he, I mean, the thing is, he was probably, right, but he was probably doing a lot of really good work all the way. I'm not sure, I think he was like an aluminum salesman

or something like that. Yeah, but he was doing really great Hey, oh yeah, oh geez look at this guy Can you imagine oh my wife bought this aluminium? I can't do the voice at all, but just that voice but selling you aluminium Yeah, yeah, be really something absolutely. Yeah, yeah, but really something absolutely yeah, I Was he's real name Rodney Dangerfield, is that his real name? I don't think so. Yeah, okay What's your guess on what is the real name one was? Let's see Hank

Spurlock Hank Spurlock, I feel like you've guessed that name before No, it was Jacob Cohen, oh Really yeah Yeah, he did great. He did a really good job of coming up with a funny name Maybe that was maybe that was all he needed to do he didn't come up with that name until he was that was all he needed to do. He didn't come up with that name until he was 50 and then he was like, you know what, I'm going to have to become a club comic. This is too good to waste. Yeah. And then he was like, you know, he starred in so many movies. Like, you know, back to school, ladybugs, Caddyshack, easy money.

These were like 83, 83, 86, 80, 92. So 1980 say Caddyshack. So he was 59. Right. He was born in 1921. Oh no, wait, he was, yeah, that's right. He was 59. The other thing is that you can become an author

at any age, I reckon. A lot of authors will say. And so that's always there. Yeah, a lot of authors will try and tell you that even the longer you wait, the better. Yep, and I want them to say that. I need them to say that. But I mean, I've been saying, you know, I say to Indiana all the time it's like sometimes I just wish I could

I could get Andy to you know do the things that he does so that he can you know shine out his greatness you know lovely thing to your for you to say to your beloved? I think I might have been saying it yesterday. Fuck it now, alright. Yeah. But you know, obviously we're all busy. We don't have time to do the things that we really wanna do. To shine out our greatness.

To shine out our greatness, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, it is fucked. I will tell you what Alastair I will just start taking some performance enhancing drugs of some kind yeah some which ones do you think will enhance your performance to to make good work because I'm willing to take them all yeah but what would you start with? It's funny you never can you never can predict, you know, I mean Nick Cave said that heroin was great for him because it simplified his life

so much. Yeah. He wasn't distracted except by the heroin, you know, it became all about getting heroin and so he was very focused. Yeah, so like as in he would write songs in order to make money? I guess so, yeah. I guess so. Yeah. You know, and he did some really great work. Yeah. But then, you know, but then he also-

In that period. Yeah, it's hard when like so many other people didn't make great work. Yeah. But, you know I mean I would like to see Tim Ferriss try heroin You know who's Tim Ferriss? He's like the four-hour workweek guy. He's kind of the guy who's always talking about various you know Productivity hacks and various things like that and He seems like he every week. He like every week he's tried something new

and he's always got some solution. I think his solution is that he has staff now. Yeah. But even if I had staff, I don't know if I would know what to tell them to do. Well, then you just need somebody else for that, right? I think you just, and they do sort of, yeah they do sort of gather around you and I do actually think it probably makes a really big difference.

I think, I think it would be, it would be good, this is a sketch, a guy who just has, I just need somebody to tell me what to do. And so I get up and then I go, hey, what do I do now? And he goes, why don't have breakfast? I go, great idea. And I go, what should I have? And he goes, toast, peanut butter? And I go, sounds good.

I love that this guy, he's really decisive. He's really decisive. Well, that's his job. That's what he gets paid the bucks for. Toast! Peanut butter! He says it with real confidence. You're like, yeah, yeah, that's a great idea. You just believe it. What you want is you want somebody who's like got real genuine charisma, who could be a great leader of men. got real genuine charisma, who could be a great leader of men, but just for yourself. Like I feel like if you're rich enough, you could probably hire one of the most inspiring speakers.

You could get Obama. Obama's not doing anything. You could get Obama. You could get Obama. This is how well you're doing. You could get Obama. I mean, that'd be great, because that would be a good way of like if you've if you've been born into money but you don't really have any kind of any

aspirations of what to do with it except you would love to have more money and you're like maybe I'll hire Obama to make decisions for me. Yeah you want your own personal president. Yeah. Own personal president. And now what should I do? Have you thought about coffee? I'd love coffee. That's great. Yeah.

And then you make a coffee. And you go, I'm bored. What should I do now? He goes, uh, let's go outside. I go, okay. What should I wear? He goes, uh, t-shirt, okay. What should I wear? T-shirt, shorts. Cool. Should I wear shoes or thongs? Thongs. And he's not, he's not, cause he's on the payroll, he's not going to complain about having to tell you any of this stuff.

This is just his job. This is his job. This is just the privilege that you've earned by being born rich. That's right. It's my birthright to have great leaders tell me what to do at every moment. You know, I mean, if you needed some graphic design done, you'd hire a good graphic designer, right? That's it.

Exactly. And if I need some decisions made, well, I'm going to hire one of the best decision makers in history. Mm. Mm. Or not even decisions necessarily. I just need to be told what to do. I know.

I just need to feel like I'm making the right decision. Because I, generally, I don't know if all of Obama's decisions were that great, but I felt really good about them as he was making them. I go, Obama, I don't want to have to ask you what should I do next. Because I got to then think I should ask him what to do next. I've got to be alert to the fact that it's next now. I just want you just a constant stream. I mean, we will be able to get this with AI.

That's the thing. You'll be able to have Obama in your pocket. And he will be feeding instructions into your ear at all times. Eating the leather off your wallet. This is a small Obama in your pocket who's trapped there. He's nibbling on the, yeah, okay. This is a small Obama in your pocket who's trapped there. He's nibbling on the...

Yeah, okay. An Obama in every pocket! I mean, wouldn't that be cool though if you could, like, you know, they're bringing back the mammoth or whatever like that, you know, but we could clone people who do exist and just make them really small. There could be, we could each have an Obama in our pocket. Yeah, it's not the Obama anymore, it's the I-Bama. It's Apple's latest product. The I-Bama. It's the pocket president.

Oh yeah. And you still call him Mr. President out of respect. Yeah, even though he's He started to eat all your business cards and stuff like that You go Do you need do you need to just put food in there? He goes. Oh, no way. No, I got everything I need right here Um And I want the listeners to know that this is all okay. Whatever we're saying, there's no connotations, it's not bad in any way.

I mean, I can't even think of how it would be bad. I can't either, but I can feel that it could be bad. But I think by telling everybody that it's not, then nobody will consider in what that it could be bad, but I think by telling everybody that it's not Then nobody will consider in what ways it could be Exactly right. Yeah. Oh people sometimes people just need to be reassured by a voice of authority such as my own or Obama's Yeah, I Love that Little guy. Yeah running around. I mean, yeah love that. Little guy running around.

I mean yeah, it's not our first little guy sketch idea, but you know. It's not our first little guy, it's not even our first little guy who tells you what to do idea. I don't think. But this is the first time it's been Obama, I'm pretty sure. And that's what makes all the difference. That's what kicks it into gear. That's what the Rodney, that's what the Hank Spurlock deciding to call himself Rodney Dangerfield moment that changes everything into a world of possibility. Was it Jacob Cohen? Yeah, I think so. Jacob Cohen?

Yep. That's not funny at all. But he'll always be Hank Spurlock to me. Not funny at all Funny at all It's like finding out that Vin Diesel's real name is Mark Sinclair. Is that his real name? Yeah Yuck. I Know I can't believe I can't believe I've been to watch movies with him in it. I feel sick I feel physically sick thinking that that was a Mark Sinclair

Hope like you know I hope his mom's not alive to see this But I mean like she must have you know Namers remorse Mmm No, but I mean like she must have you know, Namor's remorse. Mmm. That's true. I mean, well, when she saw what he was able to do and when she saw the quality of the upgrade, the upcycle that he did. Yeah. What about the... He really sort of pimped that ride, didn't he? Like he really took that name into the shop

and he stripped it back and he re-redid the engine, he put some NOS in it, I don't know, and he put it back on the road as a performance vehicle. That's right, Andy. I think you're confusing a few people into each other. Well, I do know that he worked in a mechanics in fast and the furious. Okay, and he Fixed up cars and made them fast and that it didn't matter if you won by a mile or by an inch Winning is winning winning is winning

I you know That's the thing one thing that I've never really gotten completely hooked on is the idea of winning. Now, it could be that I don't win, and that's, and I've just gotten used to that. But- As a defensive attitude? Like, no, no, no, just like, like, as in like, I just, I don't find it, I don't have a drive to win. I just, I don't find it, I don't have a drive to win. You know, I don't think I see winning as anything. I don't, yeah, I feel embarrassed if I get celebrated for something like that.

Mm, yeah. Me too, but I do think I have come to realize that I also do want to win. Not that I necessarily want to win, it's that I want to crush everybody else. Well yeah, I think that's a drive to win. Yeah, yeah. Oh, is that what that is? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Well what about, what is it when you want to see your enemies driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women? Yeah, I mean, that's close. What's that? I think that's close to needing to win. Yeah, right, I mean, that's close. I think that's close to what needing to win. Yeah, right.

I mean, I guess it's- We need to bring back the lamentations of their women as part of winning. Women or men, you know, like we need to- The lamentation of any woman. I don't know what it is. Yes. Well, it's the, it's what, you hear them crying.

So I think, you know, I think as well at the Olympics I think as well as the winners on the podium getting their medals, I think we need the parents or the lovers of the defeated opponents to to fall to their knees and cry whale a whaling. Yeah, there should be a, like a crying, a crying, like loser relative display. We need to bring back gnashing of teeth as well. Yeah, yeah gnashing.

I always picture that to be closer to grinding your teeth. Is that more like grinding? I picture it as a sort of a, just a big chomp, a big open air chomp. Yeah right. Oh. Which we don't use that as a... The thing is to grind one's teeth together. Typically as a sign of anger. Oh but then...

We don't. I know but then it also has strike together. Ah. Yeah but if it's in the teeth context, I suppose it is the... I mean, do you think culturally and historically... They're both there under teeth. Right. I think we've... You know, the loud chomping and the grinding, these are things that...

These are noises that the mouth can make that we have, we've lost sight of. And we need to bring them back. I mean, that sound that you were just making from chomping your teeth together, like that's just tooth on tooth impact, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't see how that's good in any way. Well, but I mean, not everything in life is good.

So maybe that's what we need. So let me be. Let me do it. Well, no, but maybe it's something that we'll use now. I think it could be, you know, instead of booing, you know, it's the opposite of applause it's a chattering of teeth yeah I mean I think what does that mean that doesn't mean anything yeah I think that you know what it what it is as a reminder of if let's say you're not doing well on stage you know you're doing music or comedy or whatever and and

you're doing poorly and then people start banging their teeth together like that it's a reminder that we are meat eaters and that they want to eat you that's how bad it is and you know maybe I mean I think many of many open mic comedy room would have been improved by some of those guys getting eaten Mmm getting the flesh torn from their bones. This is the thing I if I saw somebody being unfunny on stage though, I think it would make me want to eat them less You know, I think it's almost like my body Yeah Yeah, but then I want to get somebody who are any of the vegetables that you eat funny

Yeah, but then I want to get somebody who are any of the vegetables that you eat funny Occasionally you see a carrot that looks like two legs. Yeah, that is funny Yeah, I guess those ones are funny But is if you're as long as you're only eating those carrots with two legs and sometimes they have that little a little bud in between the legs a little Yeah, I mean it could be a chode. Could be just a regular, a little regular, uh, you know, fella. Um, you know? And I think if you're doing that, and if that was your diet, just like, you know, vegetables

that look like legs and they look sometimes when the legs are kind of tight together and it looks like they need to go to the bathroom Yeah, that kind of thing now if that's what you're doing then I would be fine with you not eating that open mic or who bombed But as it stands since your diet is so varied and on so many foods that just look pretty gotta say Normal not that mmm, not that surprising comedically not that cutting edge I say you got to eat the open mic or if he's not doing well that's true I agree no you are right now although I do think that we should introduce a diet where you only eat funny funny foods the funny food is a way to the funny food diet you only eat it's mostly

gonna be vegetables that look that look that look like peters's I mean that if we're honest that's what it's gonna be there's not a lot else you can do a bit of innuendo with taco fish tacos Yes. Those, there's those biscuits that kind of look like thick nipples, like they're like a chocolate coated thing with marshmallows in it, they kind of look like big nipples. It's more of a, it's like a Whippet or something like that. I mean, are we, are we, are we going to introduce the word, Vageterian? You only eat things that look like vaginas? I mean, I guess so

do you think boys need to eat things like that look like penises and girls need to eat things that look like vaginas? I mean it feels like there's there's homophobes out there who wouldn't who would feel this was very wasn't very inclusive that might not not wanna eat things that look like penises. What about the homophobes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, I guess people should just have the right to choose what they eat, and if they wanna be a vegetarian.

You know? And then a prick-c-terian? I'm trying to do pescatarian but prick Test or test test Terian Man might might might Andy. What do you think should penis terian? Oh, that was good Andy. That was actually that thanks Al Should we go to three words from a listener? I know it's yeah, I know it's been a bit of a banger of an episode. It has been pretty fun. Yeah, I've been having fun.

Yeah. I was being a tiny bit sarcastic thinking that maybe we were having trouble quite zeroing in on like a single thing, but maybe I'm wrong. I could be wrong. No, Alastair, I think you're right. I think we did have trouble zeroing in on things, but you know what? We bounced around some fun areas. We talked about penises a lot again, but that's okay, that's comedy. But, we talked about penises, but that's funny.

Yeah. But, I said. I think it's funny to call I think the it's funny to call the butthole the tradesman's entrance I think that is funny I would never say it myself yeah I bet if I was the first person to think of that yeah I'd feel pretty good is that is that something you've heard? Yeah, I've been thinking about this idea a lot lately about how Culture a lot of these cultural Linguistic things are like one person came up with it and then it was so good that society kind of went

Yeah, that's ours. Like they went yeah like you know like like the like with the you know, like the Barbecue chickens in Australia being called the bachelor's handbag. You know? Yep. Whoever thought of that. Yeah. Bravo. Like, you know, it's pretty good

because in a way we're culturally appropriating what that person came up with and then we're turning it into our culture. Yeah. So yeah, that's something way you say, even though it's just like Mark came up with it or whatever mmm Well, maybe yeah

I mean it would be it would be a shame if if only one person was allowed to have Every if everybody had to have their own individual culture. Yeah, you know and that there was no you weren't allowed to To take anything. I mean, that's a little bit of what the stand-up world is like. A little bit. Yeah, not in practice though. Not in practice, but sort of. Yeah. Andy, I'm gonna go three words from a listener.

Okay. And these words come from listener Chase Nelson. Chase Nelson? Don't mind if I do yeah come here yeah so he first he laughs yeah I guess you because you were just pretty calm and then he look at and then he realizes you're chasing him and off he goes sometimes you know chase Nelson thank you hi Chelsea Nelson all right now him. And off he goes. Sometimes. Hello, Chase Nelson. Thank you.

Hi, Charles Nelson. All right. Now, Chase Nelson has sent in three words, and I'm not sure if I've done this before. I got confused because the words that he sent in were like seven months ago, but then he sent a message three months ago saying those three words are technically from me however they were chosen after I had eaten magic mushrooms Wow yeah that's cool and so that is a listener they could be from a an alternate version of you yeah or at least connected with yeah or a plant spirit could have come directly from a plant spirit?

It's gonna be one of those two. Yeah, and so do you wanna try to guess what the first word is? Yeah, the first word is plantain. Ooh, you got the same amount of A's and N's. No, no, only plantain. Oh yeah same amount of ends as well. Oh, I mean this is sounding good. It sounds like I might have got the word. Same number of A's and ends. But the first word is Nirvana.

Oh Nirvana. I'm so sorry Andy. That was failure that you experienced just then. Yeah. Um Nirvana. Okay. Second word is nasturtium. Nasturtium. Nasturtium. Let me have a look. Lamp. Oh really far away with this one. I haven't got any A's in the actual word. No P's, no M's or L's. Oh Andy, not even like conceptually connected. This is, the final word is inverted. Nirvana, nirvana. Nirvana. Vertigo inverted. Yeah. Nirvana, vertigo inverted.

I'll tell you what, I'll tell you who experiences inverted nirvana. Who's that? My youngest child When you tip him upside down? Yeah, he's never been happier really he's never been happier. I mean I Guess it's a to him. It is a like a Seeing the world upside down is a complete new experience alternate reality in a way you know like yeah

whereas I find I find it hard looking at my phone on my head side on yeah yeah and do you find your eyes water a fair bit when you're doing it don't remember that but like you feel like the tears sort of you crying a lot when you're doing it. I don't remember that, but. And like you feel like the tears sort of, are you crying a lot when you're doing it? Like me? That the tears sort of all go down to one side of your eye? They pool down there? You gotta wipe them away? Do you find that?

Yeah. Do you find that the tears from the upper eye pour down over the bridge of your nose and then fall like a waterfall across the other eye creating a cascade of like a Niagara Falls that make it hard to see out of the other eye. Do you find that? Yeah I do find that Andy, that's something I find. What about, this is a sketch idea, it's a little a little a little gutter that you can attach to your nose, right? So that when you are, and it sort of goes up

from the bridge of your nose and runs up through your forehead and sort of drains away somewhere above your head, right? So that when you're lying on your side, oh, that's a good idea, goes down that way, yep. So when you're lying on your side looking at your phone and crying the tears from the upper eye don't obscure the vision from the lower eye. The

tears are funneled harmlessly away back into your mouth, maintaining hydration and allowing you to cry, lying down looking at your phone for longer. Yeah, I think that's really good the face gutters. Yeah you get a get a get a plumber in to install them. For maintained hydration. Horizontal yes. How's this how do you feel about the word lacrimose? Lacrimose. I don't know it. What does it mean? It means crying or sad. Oh really?

This is like the second word you've brought up today that is another way of saying somebody sort of making a sad cry. Lamentation was the other one. Anything going on Andy? No. one anything going on Andy no it'd be like there should be I mean it would be do you think what about this it's a government department that you can call if somebody in your house is sad and they come and they whisk them away so that you don't have to see it. I hate to see you cry. And that's why I call 1-800-Cry-Be-Gone Because, I mean, it is funny to think that, you know, that there could be an alternate universe where it's like, it's just considered, like, unpleasant

and therefore you are allowed to call the authorities on each other I mean, if the- Yeah, like an- I mean, is it a full, like, asylum kind of situation? Yeah, it's a kind of full asylum thing Yeah, a's a kind of full asylum thing Yeah, a sad asylum Yeah, and I'm sad asylum instead of an insane asylum I'm sad asylum It's terrible terrible attempted a pun insane I'm sad doesn't

Doesn't work for the the crying, because, you know, I mean, I suppose we've all tried as a parent at one point to just go, stop crying, as if like that's the solution. Yeah, yeah, I mean, God, that's, that's a, I am, the number of times I have to stop myself from saying that on an almost daily basis is wild. And I still do say it sometimes and I don't want to say it. Yeah, no, me neither. It just, it just, how about we don't cry? Well, it's almost like, it's like the cry,

there's so much crying that you're like, I see you're sad and I wanna deal with the cause of the crying and I wanna help you and I wanna even just get close to you to make you feel better, but there's so much crying. That we need to bring it down just to a manageable level so that we can even begin to stop you from crying that normal amount.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, makes it sound a lot sadder at my house than it actually is, but we, you know. There's a lot of crying when there's children around. There is, there is. It's so difficult to deal with, it's all just constantly waving. That's right, it's you that was crying, it's you, it's you that was crying, not the children. Yes, the whole time. Let's see, now have we done Nirvana Vertigo Inverted?

I guess. I think the little tear gutter. The eye gutters. Yeah, the eye gutters. Yeah Do you think that you said double do you think that you could have like a like a like a high salt diet problem because You get high blood pressure or whatever because you've you've been crying into drinking into your own mouth too much Yeah, or drinking the tears of your enemies. Yes, and then you're like, yeah, I think that's very funny. So drinking the tears of their enemies, non-stop, some kind of barbarian, you know, like, Hun. Yeah, his sodium levels are off the charts. You're gonna have to cut back.

Yeah, and then it's like, what's happening to me, Doc? It's the tears of your enemies. You've drunk too many. You've got harp attention. I'll give you three days to live." And then he goes back and he apologizes to all the clans, all the remaining survivors of the clans that he's wiped out. And it brings them their heads, brings them their little family members heads as a gesture of a... And they're little dehydrated shrunken heads and he puts them in water so that they re-inflate to full size as a gesture. Yeah. It's a shame that there's both eyes.

Oh and he does it with the tears. He does it with the tears. Yeah, oh that's good. His own tears. He cries the salt back out again. Because he's, because that's the thing. He never cries so the salt never gets out of his system. And he doesn't piss either. It's a barbaric, this is like a barbarian version of analyze that. Yeah, but why not analyze this, analyze this. But then the sequel was analyze that. But, did you say it doesn't piss? That's funny.

But, it's before they had any, before psychotherapy had advanced to the point where it is and it's more just like about the amount of tears in or out of your body trying to maintain some sort of balance it's a bit more primitive version yeah because people talk about that with calories they're like oh it's just calories in calories out you know that's what you're seeing tears out that. That's mental health for you. Isn't it weird that like you know we spray pepper spray into your eyes and it makes it worse, makes you cry. Yeah. But you'd think that the salt and the pepper would be a great combination, it would make you happy. That's true. Salt and pepper go so well together, the condiments.

I'm just trying to pair the condiments. Yeah. It's also a shame that both the eyes are salt. One should cry pepper tears and one should cry salty tears. Do you think that if you get pepper in your eyes, you cry. But then if you get pepper in your eyes you cry but then if you get pepper in your mouth you salivate. Your body's just trying to maintain condiment balance. I don't know Andy should we just wrap it for today? Yes, we should. We've got the sketches for today, dear listeners, are a room for being proud of yourself and

possibly other atheist things like you can go in there in the workplace and masturbate. So one boy can be proud of himself, another person can be masturbating. And you could see where comedy would come out of that. And then we've got prayer B&B. It's like churches are just used for one day a week. Why not? I see now why you question that and why you wanted more data because it's not really funny as it stands. You were right to ask for more details. Yeah, and so we kind of tried to... we also tried to balance out the church by having...

you know, you got holy water, you got cursed water. You got a confession booth where you should have another booth where the priest tells you secrets. Yes. Um, then there's a guy you hire to tell you what to do. This could be Obama. Um, but that's a good... oh, tell you what to do. This could be Obama That's a good I mean that guy I love that The then we've got the I bomba which is a tiny Obama in every pocket We've got the fun the funny food diet. This is could be the

vegetarian who eats just vagina shaped things or vulva shaped things or um or penis shaped things. This is not for the the vegetarian but the other one. Um we've got the face gutters for maintained hydration whilst crying. We've got the I'm sad asylum for for the crying that that the government agency whisks away anybody who's crying in your house so that you don't have to see it or do it. And we've got... I think that is actually, that would be a very funny government ad for this service.

Yeah. I mean, also a lawyer who's like, is somebody crying in your house? You could be entitled to compensation Because I mean really when somebody's crying all you can do is wait This is lost because then anything else that you do let's say you try to Learn you know try to spend that time learning how to juggle, they might think of it as insensitive. It's sensitive. You know, somebody starts crying.

And this is a drain on the economy. You reach for your juggling balls. Here's my chance. This is that trigger that the guy told me, who teaches me how to get habits. My trigger is when somebody in my house starts to cry, I start to learn new tricks. And then we have the barbarian who has drunk too many tears of enemies. And the salt has given him hypertension and only a small amount of time to live.

And he must make amends. Hmm. I mean, I mean, you can see how almost that itself is a film now because you've got the end point where he's going to die and now he has realized that his life of killing people is killing him. He's so full of tears. So full of tears. And so now he's going to try to make it better. Try to make himself feel better because he has regrets due to it killing him.

And then the killing. Oh, I guess my one regret is dying. That I feel bad. Oh, I wish I hadn't felt bad for doing this. Andy, what do you say? Should we go into the song? Okay. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, Good job. Good job, Al. Good job on you. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. And I'm proud of the listeners.

You know what? I'm proud of the listeners. Thank you for listening, but also thanks for just living your lives in such a way that you're willing to have a couple of idiots in it. Every now and then. Yeah.

Thanks for finding room. Yeah. For two of the dumbest fucks. The dumbest fucks. I mean you don't get, you don't get this dick stuff on other podcasts I assume. No. Maybe. No. I haven't listened. You can get a little bit on some Sans Pants stuff. They have some good dick stuff sometimes. Don't tell them that. No. God, if anything, they might have better dick stuff there. And we love you. See you later.

Bye. Bye.