Two In The Think Tank - 474 - "THE HOG AXIS"

Episode Date: May 1, 2025

Sketch Spreadsheet by Will Runt: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1e2HYV7-VcnAV08wyHA7OFbqh_UCnVDUheiNFiqxPX_Y/edit?usp=sharingThink Tank Institute: https://lookerstudio.google.com/s/kH2int_ZkuIPants Illustrated: https://www.instagram.com/pants.illustrated?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==Andy's appearance on "Unconventional Pathways" https://open.spotify.com/episode/13Vvnv8E0ws4mHOQV1JTLS?si=QbBr7oIySE-ESOYeruvScgAndy's appearance on Pitch Bleak on Youtube: https://youtu.be/grK7kSL_T2g?si=sVX-s1mhXx9ZhQDfThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with Fizz. Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. Hello and welcome to the show we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alastair George William Trombley-Birtch. That was really great Al, I loved what you were doing there.

It felt like- It's a little bit of, a little bit of ape, ape, ape beat. Yeah, ape beat. I liked how it was sort of like beatboxing, but if you didn't use your lips, cause I- Yeah, that's right.

The lipless man beatbox. You should, you gotta go see this guy. The lipless man You Should you should you gotta go see this guy? His lips don't move once Beat boxing he's changing the game. He's it's called eat oxy That's very good You fucking brought it home in a little package. In a little, you found it in a basket in the reeds

by the river. You brought it home. We're raising it as our own boy. What shall we call him? The eight ox-a. The eight ox-a. Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! See, that's basically the thing that separates us from the from the the great apes I mean, are we a great ape? Are we great? I think we are a great ape, but I'm willing to be separated from them. I think it's about time we Had some boundaries. Let's finally set some boundaries, mate Back off gorillas back off Thank you. And you know what Back off that old haired lady.

What's her name? Jane Goodall. Yeah, back off Jane Goodall. You've taken sides. You've chosen your side. Yes. I wonder what happens to her in the rise of the Planet of the Apes. Is that ever addressed? Where does Jane Goodall stand? I think she's like, she sees her as side piece. Right. I think, yeah, I mean, I wonder if she'd be interned, you know, whether or not we'd question her loyalties and she'd have to be, you know, she and all the other, um, uh, embed those, those who embed themselves. And I, I use that word, you know, full awareness of its multiple possible meanings. Of its multiple meanings. Well, I, what I genuinely think she would be is that she would be,

I, what I genuinely think she would be, is that she would be probably on the other side, like as in with them, in order to help protect them, and she would act as like a diplomat, trying to argue for both sides to decrease. Hostilities. Hostilities, possibly achieve peace. Maybe she would sort of, you know, she would be near the gorillas, she would eat leaves like them to sort of, to like, you know, show them that she's on their side and like them and then she would approach

the human side and she would sort of do a similar thing by eating a burger. Yes. And then we would know that she's like us. Approaching us slowly with a hand out. Yeah. So we can sniff it. Yeah. That's right. And then we would smell mustard and we would go, yes, she's one of us. Bit of pickle juice on there, a little bit of meat, meat liquid. I wonder if, um, if we did genuinely have a war with the apes whether because I know that the bonobos solve a lot of their problems with sex whether we would have to start having sex with them maybe that would be this me you know make love not war maybe that would be the the solution you know whether we have to I think that there'd be a lot of people who'd be like,

yeah, oh no, I gotta do it. Oh no, I gotta have sex with a bonobo. Oh well, gotta do my civic duty. Yeah, put me in, you know what? I feel like I could really talk them down. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Body talk. Send a few around my place, I got a peace plan. Talk them down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Body talk. Send a few around my place. I've got a peace plan. Yes. Welcome to have some round table discussions. Although it's not a table. I've got a rotating bed. Yeah.

That's what they should have at the United Nations instead of a round table they should have one of those round rotating beds. Oh and everybody lays on it and they twirl their their phone cord around their finger, have their legs up. Yeah that little translator box. It's hard to say this means war while you're laying like that. Maybe eating a bowl of gummy bears. Gorbachev is there. Oh one of the one of the sexier names. Bring him back. Why are we bringing back the dire wolf when we could be bringing back Gorbachev? the dire wolf when we could be bringing back Gorbachev. Yes. Resurrect him. Put him in a zoo. Mix his DNA with like, with that of a sort of a grave wolf.

A modern wolf. Yep. Reproduce a creature that is, that looks exactly the same as Gorbachev on the outside but inside is pure wolf. They only affected the surface genes. I'm pretty sure that's more or less what they did with this dire wolf. Reading the articles about the guy some of the scientists who they interviewed to like get their opinion on what these guys have done were like yeah I don't think that's really bringing back the animal they've just made an animal that looks like a direwolf and he the guy was like look in my opinion the guy who did the sides if you've made and if it if an animal looks like an animal and acts like an animal it is that animal which didn't really didn't really, didn't really convince me. The duck approach of science to advance the genetic biology.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, that might be a dire wolf. It might be a dire wolf. It's probably a grey wolf that I adapted acceptably to my standards. To resurrect an ancient duck. Bringing back the dire duck. Or bringing back the ancient duck. How do you feel about the expression, living high on the hog, Alastair?

And what do you, how do you think that originates? We live pretty high on the hog, Alastair? And what do you, how do you think that originates? We live pretty high on the hog. Yeah, so, I mean, I've never heard this. I mean, I assume that it is, you know, that you're doing so well, you're eating nothing but boar, you know? But I obviously like to picture a guy who's riding atop a giant bush pig and he's able to tame even the wildest of porcine animals and you know create some kind

of symbiotic relationship where they both want to be there. Oh that's really nice. Sounds like you're both living high on the hog then. You know? Well he's living low on the man. But don't let that sort of trick you with your pop psychology that low means you're doing worse. He's living much better than a pig of his usual standing. You're right. By pigs standards he's doing incredibly well. Because not only is he able to eat our crops and stuff like that, but now I'm sort of throwing him potato chips and things like that. And you're riding him around. He's seeing the world. He's seeing the world. He's allowed into some of the buildings that only humans normally

have access to. He moves in very high social circles. He's... That's right he comes with me while I renew my driver's license. He comes to the local laundry. He's rubbing shoulders with the great and the good. Absolutely. He's meeting all the people who catch the buses that I catch. You're riding your hog on the bus. Well, you know, I'm going longer distances than a hog normally would travel over a day. He's sitting in the crowd of sparsely populated open mics. Oh, okay. Yeah, for some reason, a guy who rides a pig around, I don't know how I feel about seeing him on a bus.

I think it sort of brings it all crashing down. When I first pictured him riding a pig around, I thought this guy has everything. You know, he's the envy of the world. He's figured it all out. Well you see, I thought that starting to ride a pig would change my life. But really I still mostly do the same thing.

Yeah. Yeah. In order for my life to change, it would have to be the pig opening doors for me. And while I haven't taught him to do that yet, he does take me sometimes. He does just, you know, go where he wants wants to go which a lot of the time is just sort of Parks and things like that because that's the only sort of green areas that he sees I I want to see this I want to see this documentary about this man About his journey and how he how he came to ride the pig

how what his hopes were for riding a pig around and how he deals with the reality that like once you've achieved your dreams but you're still essentially just you. You know how you reckon with that and how your definition of happiness has to change I presume. I mean Andy is this somehow about having achieved more than we've already ever thought that we would and then having to deal with like having to just try to keep it up? You know what I never I did I genuinely there was no subtext in this piece of art. Off-met writers who use subtext, they're all cowards.

Yeah. Okay. Well, for me, that's something I think about a lot. And then I'm like, oh, now what? And then I don't really have any more dreams. Like, I guess I just want to keep doing this. Yeah. But then it seems harder and harder to keep doing it. Yeah.

Much like riding a pig that's getting more and more tired of carrying your weight around. Yeah. Well, I mean, maybe that is the human body. It's just a pig that grows weary of us. Yeah. I guess it is. I mean, life.

I mean, I guess our body is essentially, is not that far from being a pig. Exactly, that's what I'm saying. Oh mean, I guess our body is essentially is not that far from being a pig. Exactly, that's what I'm saying. Oh yeah, right. And so, and we are riding it through life, aren't we? Yeah, that's the other thing you're saying. Yeah, yeah. I guess our brain, our consciousness is pretty high on that hog, you know. Yeah, it's high on that hog. We kind of are, humans are a high hog, you know in that we just started to walk upright and Yeah, and other than that there's really not any difference we roll around in slop and we love it Life is like riding a huge pig at first

It's pretty cool just to be able to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But at some point, the pig starts to protest and it's not as easy to just get through a regular day like you used to. Yes, it grows weary of your your demands. And then you realize you and the pig, you're actually stuck together. Mmm. You can't leave the pig and then you start to resent each other. Yes, this describes perfectly my relationship with my body.

That's great. A lot of the time I feel like I have to stop the pig from eating all the food at parties. I think we did once have a sketch about a guy who rides a pig but he's like the sheriff of the town. Really? That's incredible. I mean we're incredibly limited as people. You and I, Alastair, we have small, circular brains, perfectly smooth like a... Andy, I think if we do 474 episodes. You're allowed.

Including two that are almost 20 hours on average. I think it's okay if occasionally a man rides the same animal in a sketch idea. All right, no you're right. But I did like you when you said that he lives pretty low on the man. I think we can start, I'm gonna start saying I'm living pretty low on the hog right now. In fact, I might develop an entire hog scale of social welfare. You know?

I'm middle hogging right now. It's about time we had a new kind of graph, I think. We've had the bar chart, the scatter plot, the pie chart. The pie chart was probably the last big evolution in graphing I I I would venture but I think that some sort of pig graph could be the thing that the graph world needs. You know what the scale should be? The scale rather than like up on the hog because that's not that far to up from a bar graph. It should be your graph looks more and more like a hog.

Yeah, okay. Totally this graph. It's not the height. It's not the x-axis and the y-axis anymore. It's the x-axis and the hog axis. I mean I just assumed there was one axis and it was hog. Well no you can't have just one axis Alastair. I mean unless the graph changes with time but then you have a time axis. If your graph like if it's just yeah if it's just one value it's not not a graph, it's just a data point. Oh, I fear.

Okay. Do you see what I'm saying? Sort of, yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. I think... I guess you have a second data point, which is another time, and then you have another image of a hawk. But I guess you're right. But that but that's probably the time. Yeah, I think so.

I think it's evolving with time. But I'm happy with that. You know, we've got motion graphics these days with computing. I reckon the graph world is the next big one to be shaken up. And all those establishment graphs, they'll be shitting themselves. But you know what's amazing about this this this type of graph is that you would think that a photorealistic image of a hog would be the maximum point. No no no. But it's not because its maximum point is when you actually have a hog. Yes. So once you get a photorealistic that's just the point where it's where it ceases it reaches the pinnacle of

image but then all the other all the other parts have to come out now it has to because you start getting smell yes you start getting smell. Yes. You start getting physical existence. Physical existence. But I think that then there's probably an even a higher level where like, if what we're trying to do is represent a hog at some very high level, you know, if there is an asymptote,

it is one where you yourself become a pig, become a hog and live as a pig. And, and then, so you don't just have one, you are one. You're not just perceiving it. You're experiencing it. Right. On like a, on like a really deep fundamental level, you know what a hog is. And then once you've reached that point, the very last bit is where you're in front of a mirror.

Yeah. And you're using your little hoof and you're holding it in front of your nose so that you can smell yourself at the maximum level. I think that the real true level is the moment at which you have- The pig reaches Nirvana. That did cross my mind, that did cross my mind. at which you have... The pig reaches Nirvana. That was...

That did cross my mind. That did cross my mind. Yeah, and you forget what it is to be a pig. You once again, like, you know, you transcend the fact that you were a pig and become some greater. Of course. Well, yeah, because you didn't... Because then you forget all your humanness.

But I was thinking then I was gonna go with the moment at which you you give birth to your baby pigs and you hold them in your trotters and Then you truly become a pig and you thought you knew what it was to be a man I imagine that they're completing a full pig life. Yeah, you die. You die as a pig pig life. Yeah, you die. You die as a pig. That's the that's the that's the asymptote. This graph every pig graph has an asymptote and it is to die as a pig. And now you can picture this graph being used in a quarterly business meeting where a guy's showing the graph and he's like, and as you can see last month, we were at photo realistic pig, our earnings were at photo realistic

pig. But this month we're, and then everybody in the room turns into a life and then passes away. And then somehow as they as they head into the light they come out of that full life that they lived where they didn't remember their past life and they fall back into their bodies and they're back in the world they they go into the light and it turns out that the light that light is the projector projecting these quarterly report onto the boardroom at the the boardroom table they emerge stumbling from this shaft of light back into the room fundamentally changed with an like a deep and powerful insight of having lived that entire life actually you know we have you know what there's a fucking Star Wars episode that is basically this

not Star Wars Star Trek Star Trek Star Trek episode no Not with a pig not with a pig, but where Picard gets blasted with some sort of card John pork pig card gets blasted with some data beam from an alien space probe that causes him to experience living an entire life on this alien planet and dying to get some essential understanding of what their Life was like on their on their planet, but he's not a pig. See, that's the privileges of being captain. Yeah.

You know? It'd be nice to be a captain. Don't disturb me when I'm living my life as a pig. Imagine that you're the guy you're working on the Starship Enterprise, and you're just peeling potatoes or whatever, space potatoes. And then you find out that other people are getting to experience full lifetimes. Ah, oh, Jews!

Must be nice, must be nice. And dying, and then returning to your body, and you think, you know what, maybe I will start applying myself. Mm-hmm. You know, I'm gonna sit that exam. I'm gonna sit the... I'm gonna sit that exam. I'm gonna sit the I'm gonna sit that captain Did you pass and then I am to captain now you Know like they have people who they're like, oh they will he worked his way up from the mailroom But this guy started in the mail room and then he applied to be CEO and then he just got straight into see ya

You know what? Yeah, you do it. It wasn't like they gave it to somebody that they went to university with who, you know, had already crashed some post office or something like that. This is our future in which you can challenge any person in your organization to an exam. You do, and the new duel. At dusk. Yes, at dusk. Oh, dusk.

Normally it's noon, but not with exams. Noon is for gunfighting. Dusk. Yeah. Dusk, you know, when you, is dusk nightfall? Yeah, nightfall, yeah. Yeah, so just when your brain you is dusk night. Yeah nightfall. Yeah. Yeah So just when your brains really tired from a big day Just when the light is getting a bit dim and it's hard to read the paper. It's hard. Yeah

So then it's a it's a test of your endurance and all your sense just when you're Special your pencil is worn down to a nub from writing all day from all that Writing you've been doing all day in preparation. Pencil writing. Pencil writing. This is the thing I never can understand about the law and you know, it seems to come up a lot in America and the UK, I'm sure it comes up here as well, is whenever there's this court case and they're like, hey, turn over all your emails and stuff, right? We want every piece of communication. We're subpoenaing all your texts. I can't believe that they ever, anyone ever actually gives over all their text messages and doesn't just delete

almost all of them. Yeah. And yeah, I always wonder about that. But then I wonder, do they, do they just take your phone? Yeah. And then do they do that cop thing where they, where they can uncover any deleted stuff? Can they do that?

Can they really do that? Yeah. Yeah. On a mobile phone? Because like I know I realize in this in this moment I sound like a guy who's obviously fucking done some horrible shit on my phone. Oh can they can they do that? Can they do that? Lots of phone based crimes. Can they find can they find your old texts? They can't. They can't can they? Can they find can they find your old texts they can't they can't can they Like that like who's that comedian there? Delia? Oh Chris Delia You see he still seems to be filling fucking stadiums or some shit. Yeah, that's wild Yeah, yeah, oh, that's just how cheeky he is. He just loves underage cheeks

he is. He just loves under-eye cheeks. Have you seen that clip where he's like... Yeah, he's on a podcast and he's realizing. I thought, oh, I thought all those Snapchats get just deleted and you go, nah, but some people just have an app where they can save them. He goes, huh. Huh. It's so dumb. Because he's not just realizing that he's Done terrible things and might face consequences. He's maybe also just in that moment realizing fuck. I'm an idiot Fuck, of course. Oh screenshots, oh forgot, oh Yep

Yeah You know and then in that moment, he's probably realizing, oh my gosh, there's gonna be a couple of weeks of trouble for me and then my career is gonna continue to really boom. Really be fine. I'll have a lot more name recognition. Yeah, occasionally when I'll be in a cafe,

someone will say something mean to me. No, but you're right, Alistair, maybe they can recover those things, but that's when you pull out the greatest defense of all. Oh, I accidentally ran over my laptop and my mobile phone with a tractor. With a tractor. With all of my electrical devices.

With a tractor. Do you remember when that dude did that? I do remember that. Was it for ICAC in New South Wales? Yeah. Former politician. What was his name? Don't remember. It was a Baragiclian's boy from some point.

Yeah. Really, really good stuff. Really good stuff, mate. By the way, Baragiclian. Baragiclian? I mean, it sounds like you're dropping like a- Bag of marbles. Like a box full of like coins and keys.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe just shaking it. Just shaking it. Yeah, barragiclian. Taking that... Yeah. No, you're right. I think it's a small cloth bag full of expensive jewelry. Dropping it gently onto a bench top a granite bench top see i picture it has to be either wood or metal box because of the b i think the b is like is that thudding impact of the uh of the hard outer shell but andy that's it's all up for interpretation i only just invented what this is i'm talking to to the world's greatest eat ox here I think if anybody's gonna know when something will make a B sound Yeah, I I choose to defer. Oh, yeah your expertise now

Give the lipless guy a hard time because he's all he he wouldn't know when a B sound would arrive. Yeah, sure He you know, that's he wouldn't Lip full yes would arrive. Yeah, sure Andy. He, you know, that's, he wouldn't, that's very lip full of you. Yes, yeah, very lip full, thank you. He wouldn't know a bee if it buzzed between his exposed teeth and started, started a swall. Teeth you don't, teeth you don't need your lips for, I could say that because I have a tongue Andy. I'm not tongue-less. I'm lipless. I mean lipless. With the Fizz loyalty program you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with Fizz.

Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. It's one of my big fears is losing my lips. Yeah. And just having exposed teeth all the time. Looking a little bit, a little bit angry all the time, showing teeth. Nature's way of sort of growling with your face.

I mean, I don't know if someone were to look at me, a lipless man across the room and say, I'm worried that that man with no lips is angry with me. I don't think that's what they would think. I know, but from across the room, how do you know he doesn't have lips? How do you know he's not just... Some people have very thin lips. Yeah. You know, you could say maybe that thin lipped man,

it seems a bit, you know, he seems like he's clenched teeth or something like that. Something's up with him. What have I done? What have I done to offend your friend, Larry? I think he hates me. What have I done? Yeah have I done to offend your friend Larry? I think he hates me. What have I done? Yeah.

Oh, lipless Larry? No, he's fine. He's just like... He's completely fine. He's the loveliest guy. Nicest guy you'll ever meet. Just lipless. You are... Just... You are, Alastair, a great... ...teeth smiler. You're able to smileair, a great teeth smiler.

You're able to smile and show all your teeth in such a complete fashion. It's really, I'm quite envious of it. All I've had to do, Andy, is have a cheesy smile throughout my whole life. One that never seems entirely genuine. Yeah, okay. And is there a chance that it isn't? Is there a chance that... I mean, I mean, I am, you know, a lot of the time when I'm smiling I am feeling

smiley, but I just don't know how to do a natural one, which I don't think people do know. Yeah. But I think that we're also getting to that age where more people have pained smiles. Their standard smile is looking more and more pained. Yes, there is a strained pained, there is just a hint of a grimace in there. There is just a hint of a grimace in there. Yeah, the hint of, yeah, I'm behind this smile is a sad person. But I- The age of the pained smile.

I would love to be able to smile properly and show my teeth, but I don't know what it is, but I can only show the top teeth in a smile and even then that looks fucked The it's gonna lower your bottom lip a little yeah, but then I It's so bad I can't I can't stretch my face in that way. I'm looking at my reflection in there So you know what you gotta do is you gotta lower it and then you really bring up the corners after that so it's a oh it hurts It hurts so much and then you really solidify it like a window sill or something like that

I feel like it's like a window frame I feel like a fucking alien that you are trying to teach how to smile so I could pass the human I mean, I do know how to smile. I'll say I do smile. It's just that they go to show Both rows of teeth. Oh God, I gotta pull that lip down in such an agonizing. I don't have, I haven't developed the right muscles. Yeah, well, you could start doing face yoga. Maybe I will, maybe I will.

Maybe I'll get a better smile. Maybe you'll, you'll. You could become a face yogi. Yeah. Maybe, maybe, what's that one where you do it in heat? Bikram? Bikram face yogi. I could do lipilates. Oh yes lipilates. Lipilates. Lipilates. All right. Lip-latties. Lip-latties. Alright.

We're just making sounds. We're just lip-latties. Lip-lotties. That is all we do. Anyway, Alastair, what do you reckon is the biggest room in the world? Oh. Uh. Is there one in...

Is like... is that... in like those stadiums? If there's no roof, then it's not a room, right? It's not a room. And unless, you know, a room without a roof is considered a room in the Happy Song by Pharrell Williams. Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof. But I personally do not consider that to be a room I consider that to be an uh, well, I mean a bowl. Well, I mean maybe you do feel like that because you feel like you're not a room Mmm. I don't I do. Yeah, that's right. I do feel like a room without a roof That I am NOT a room I'm just repeating what you said as I process the information. I find

it best to start saying the words and then think about it. I find it a lot easier to understand a sentence when I've said it. I don't really even believe a sentence until it's one that I've said. I don't consider it to be a thought until it's come from me because I don't regard other... A cathedral one. Yeah, okay. Is there a cathedral one? Yeah, yeah, cathedral is a really good guess, Alastair.

That is a really good guess, but I think going back to your first guess, there probably are stadia with roofs that do close and then maybe... Oh, there are. Yeah, that's right. That is the biggest, biggest room. you would call it a room. Yeah. Yeah, it was around what the 60s or something like that when or maybe the 70s or 80s when the America started having closed roof ballparks

Really and yeah, and I think that that's a revolutionized, you know, why would you know that? Why would you know that? I sometimes write trivia questions for a job Andy and and so you know that's that's just a thing that you come across sometimes that's a weird one that's a weird one to come across Alistair you've gone to some interesting places I like that I mean that's you got you gotta, you gotta go there when you're looking for slightly harder questions. It's such a weird job writing trivia questions where you're just trying to clear your mind and you're just like, what's a thing? What's a thing? And you just try and... Oh man. Yeah. Andy, to be honest, I don't really enjoy it that much. Yeah, but then, you know, Alistair lists everything,

you know, that part of it, you are, I would say one of the world's greats. And I see it on this podcast, I see it every time we record, that I will fall into silence and then you will say something that's a genuine, interesting idea for, you know, to start a conversation.

Whereas I say things like, what's the biggest room? Well, that was, that's the exact same thing, Andy. I don't know if you've ever listened to Alister List's everything, but it's only like one in every 100 things that might actually be interesting. Yeah, well, I will say that like- It's great if what you're looking for

is something that has no connection to anything at all and is being created in the moment, like, you know, and is it incomplete when it first starts to come out? I will say that the recent episode of the Patreon, where I had to guess a hundred words from a listener, from three listeners, that was the whole episode, was me just trying to guess words. I did feel like that was the closest I've come to being you when I was trying to just come up with a word after a word. I wasn't trying to be, I wasn't as interesting or as funny as you are in Alice in the L.A. I would never claim that. But just having that openness and just letting things come out of your mouth. It's very achievable. It's just nobody tries. Nobody tries because nobody's thought it's valuable up until this point. I think all

the time, Alastair, about when you did Alastair Lists Everything, you just standing on stage and just saying random concepts at Edinburgh Festival. You did it as a free show at Edinburgh Festival and you had a reviewer come and they wrote a view in which, you know, he just needs to spend a bit more time working on the material and fleshing out some of these ideas and then he could really have something. Is that more or less what they said? Yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, and he might be able to put together some stories, you know, maybe put them together so that they become anecdotes. I mean.

He just wanted it to be something else so bad. Or he thought that I was trying to do something else. That's what I like to imagine is that he went along and thought you, a guy literally just saying random words was trying to do stand up. And if that's the case, then I mean what a generous review. What a beautiful thing he's done to be like, this guy's fucked in the head, but I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I'll tell you what, I'll give him a little lifeline. I'll give him a little pathway home. A little tips. I'm not a comedy expert, but here's the things that I know. Yeah, I'll help out in any way I can. It's crazy to imagine what it was like to be that guy Sitting there through the whole fucking show and getting to the end What a I mean, he must have he must have gone on a journey. That is

That's really impressive I've been or in way, of that guy. And I want to live my life as him and die as him and see. I mean, I guess it's interesting to picture him as a character going to various types of art forms and then just thinking that they're another art form. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, going to a-

It's like going to an exhibition, right? Going to like a visual art, like a painting exhibition and thinking that the people were trying to paint the house. Or- And he goes, now if they just keep their brush strokes going a little bit longer, you know, they'll be able to cover the full wall.

Yeah, use a consistent color. Yeah use a little bit less you know like less variety of paint. It'll be a bit more smooth. I mean some of the shapes they made even sort of almost look like people which is not you know? It's like, no, no, the people go in the middle of the room, and the walls is where the colors go. Oh, that's funny. That's a funny guy. Alice did.

I reckon we should go to Three Words from a Listener. Yeah, the, yep, I'm just writing, artist was trying to... To paint the room, or they were trying to make a movie and they're like maybe in the 500th episode I should have a very soft keyboard that I could write all the ideas of it. Is that better for you? Well I think I could I could write faster it's just it's just that when I when I've gone back to look at the 300th episodes, I don't find it looks nice me looking down at the pad and all

the stuff with me trying to show the pad to the audience. I don't think that helps anybody, but if I was just updating a document... You know what, if you were doing that maybe in a spreadsheet and then maybe some of the sketch ideas, that could be live-streamed as welled as well. They could even pop up on the screen with a little icon that goes brrrring, every time we do one. It's gonna be... The technology's only getting, you know, the tech of this show

is just getting more and more advanced. Maybe we engage with AI. Maybe when we type in the sketch idea, it immediately generates a little concept image that pops up alongside it a little. Yeah, and then a big part of the audience gets angry with us. Yes, for using AI.

Yeah, using AI. We could have just AI bots that get angry with us just preemptively. But remember, there was a guy who suggested that he would offer to be our personal chef. I had forgotten, but God actually that makes me a little bit excited about doing the 500th episode. Yeah, I'll get in contact with him soon. I guess we've got to figure out exactly when,... I've thought of a design today maybe for a hat

where it's you and me inside of a very simple tank. Like a, you know, like a... A water tank? You know, like a military tank, very simple. But inside the tracks, there's the initials T-I-T-T-T and outside of the cannon is coming out a light bulb. That's a really good idea. It's possible that our heads are also light bulbs,

one both with glasses and one with a mustache and one with sort of Einstein-like hair. That's what I think you have. And who are we firing this light bulb at? That's the last guest we had, I guess. I know, I think we're just firing out ideas, but I guess we are our ideas. Maybe that's what the metaphor means, I don't know.

You are loading me, or I am loading you into the torpedo tube of a submarine. or I am loading you into the torpedo tube of a submarine and firing you at a Chinese warship. I think that's very exciting. We should get the China. You want to have a narrative. Yeah. Andy, we have three words from a listener. I don't know if you know this.

We could also, someone might have already suggested this on the Patreon or on the Discord. But I also think that merch that just said, I listener, I am a listener, would be quite good. That's true, yeah. Would be quite good. That actually would be good. Yeah. The trick is whether or not I try to get them made by some company, and then I try to raise money and sell them, and then post them all myself. Or whether I just use a company that just does it. But then I feel like it's not, I don't know,

feels like less the same. It is. It's definitely not the same. It feels like less the same. It is. It's definitely not the same. Um, okay. I have three words from a listener, Andy, and this is a first-time word support.

Whoa! Welcome. Are you ready, Andy? Okay. Do you want to try to guess what their name is? Uh, okay. Uh, Lance. Oh. Ramore.

Oh, you got definitely a bunch of the letters. Nathan Graber. Graber. Just remembered, maybe Lance Ramore is the name of Joey's character in the days of our lives on Friends. Sure. Sure, sure, sure. Nathan, what was the surname? Graber, C-R-A-B-E-O.

Oh, I love that name. I love that name. Nathan Graber. I'm in love with that name. I'm in love with that name. I want to take your take your name in marriage and then divorce you but I'm gonna keep your name. I'm gonna kiss your name. Look I'm gonna go to the screen just kiss the name. That's the first listener's name I've ever kissed and I want to say sorry to

all the listeners for having not kissed your names yet. But for the new $30 thing No, that'll be for when I'm raising money if you buy a hat this, this is what we'll say, I'll make up a hat and maybe some patches. And if you buy a hat or some patches, I'll kiss your name. That's the To and the Thing Tank Alistair Trombley virtual guarantee. We kiss every name. That's what it says. We kiss every name. And by we, I mean me and all the organisms in my body.

Yes. Andy, Nathan has sent in three words from a listener, hasn't mentioned who the listener is. I see this is typical of a new Patreon submitter. Not a criticism, not a criticism. It's just it's quite adorable and cute to see their naivete coming into this. Yeah, absolutely. Well, actually, but they do say that it's something that, you know, like the words come up to sort of a thing that he and his friend made up. So come up to a thing. Come up to a thing. That's one of the least. Come up with. Okay, so do you want to come up with the first word?

Rumpus. Put yourself in Mason Graver's head. Rumpus. Rumpus? Oh, no. Christmas. You know what? That's a similar syllables. Yeah. Um Christmas. Well tree. The second word is day. A second word is day. Christmas day. Ahhhhh. Ohhhhh.

No, there's a pattern, but I can't imagine what it is. Christmas day. Wedding. Ah, so close, Andy. Scrapist. What? What? What? One who scrapes. Christmas day scrapist?

Yeah. I picture, you know, I picture it's one of those dads who just can't stop working. You know, and he's, you know, he's probably got, been given one of those, one of those paint things, you know, for removing the paint off the walls, the old paint, but he doesn't even use that.

He goes and gets his old one, his old fave from the shed and he starts stripping the shed Yeah itself going to he's got all these old school desks. He's getting the he's getting the The gum from underneath. Yeah, he's chewing it up all that stuff in a pile. Mm-hmm And then he and he calls all that stuff is his real son all that stuff is his real son. He's making a son, he's making a son out of it, he's squishing all those bits together in the shed at night, all the scrapings. Dad has had a mental breakdown. It started with the Barbie. He scraped up all the fat.

He turned that into his new son's butt And what what are you gonna do about that? Oh? Someone cook scrambled eggs He's using that to make both the legs Now he holds it in the bed at night. He feeds it from his nipple. He's actually producing milk. The child is starting to move. And it says it doesn't like you. Hey! You're out on the street. The kid's, the kid wears your clothes. He's got your old room. Wait, wait, wait. You're out on the street, he's wearing your clothes, the kid is walking around eating raw meat. Your dad's son's gonna eat ya for Christmas lunch.

Boxing day lunch because it's you know you went to bed yeah your dad slept with the thing so he slept with the thing yeah and that's why this horror movie is called Boxing Day Lunch. Boxing Day Lunch. Boxing Day. Yeah it's not many I think Boxing Day is such an I'm sure we've said this before it's an under it's an underexplored cultural space that is begging out to be filled with traditions. At the moment it feels like just an open field of potential into which a budding entrepreneur or maybe greeting card maker can write the future. Oh yes, absolutely.

There's a cultural vacuum there, just waiting to be filled with someone who just has an idea. Yes. What's happened with Boxing News that no one's made a suggestion. There hasn't been a single one. The gravitational pull of the existing holidays as they draw

in more and more cultural ideas and traditions is sucking away a lot of the energy and the thought that would go into these other days that get overlooked. And it takes a real effort to push against that. I think Christmas Day's Grapevst and I think our idea about the dad who's making a new son, that's a sketch idea, Alistair. I hope you agree. Yeah, that's a sketch idea. It might be a horror movie and I reckon that maybe... That song is also a Christmas number one. Oh, absolutely.

The dad's mental breakdown came from his real son recommending that maybe he just take the day off and not do work on the house over Christmas day. Ah, maybe, or maybe it was just some really minor political disagreement that came up at Christmas Day lunch, that the dad was unable to get his head around, changing his behavior, you know? You can't say anything.

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna make a new son. It does break people's brains, it does break people's brains. Andy, I reckon I should take us through the sketch ideas. Quick quick quick quick! We have the lipless beatboxer, the eat-oxer. Yes. We have Jane Goodall during the planets of the Apes war.

And her role. She's up against the wall, I'm afraid. We've got bringing the ancient dire duck back. But it's the same guy and he says it's good enough. But also, wait, who was it that he brought back? That was, oh, it was Gorbachev. Yeah, Gorbachev. And Gorbachev.

But the guy who says that, you know, as long as it looks like it on the outside, it's fine. We've got the guy who rides a giant pig and possibly that as a metaphor for existence. Yes, by the way Gorbachev would be a great name for a building demolition company because then Mr. Gorbachev tear down this wall that's what people could say to you all the time. That's what people could say to you all the time. That's true. Yes. Mr. Gorbachev demolitions. Yes. Oh, that's good.

Yeah. Then we've got the hog axis graph. The hog axis. And the quarterly earnings report. The exam jewel at dusk. We've got the age of the pain smile. Oh, sketchy idea. Really? I mean look Andy. Yeah, okay, cool. Andy, I just, I think that there's something there. I just don't, we didn't elaborate. You know, sometimes you just got to write down when you're like, I can feel a little potential. You know, first we get tired in photos, Andy,

and then our smiles get pained. And then we're close to one of those elder, that's the step before that elderly smile where all your gums are receded and that your eyes are open, just that tiny bit too wide and you look fucking insane. Let's start our own Thoranos, where they wanted to diagnose all your ailments from a single drop of blood Let's start one where we can diagnose everything just from your smile

From the quality of your smile Yeah, that's a good idea we got the reviewer who mistakes what art forms the artists are trying to do We've got the reviewer who mistakes what art forms the artists are trying to do. And we've got the dad who makes a new son from the scrapings. Yes. Of various things while he was not able to stop working on Christmas Day. What a delight. Alastair, I just want to add in there. I think there should be a new, you know how people talk about smiling with your eyes?

I think there should be a new, you know how people talk about smiling with your eyes? I would love to see an image of an eye that actually is smiling, where the goes up at both ends in a real sort of. Yeah, that is good. I think that could look really cool. And I wanna remind you, that's the smize. The smize.

And I wanna remind you of a beautiful thing that I came up with. It's a thing called a smouth, where you smile with your mouth. Yes. Yes. Yeah. A blouth, it's where you blink with your mouth.

If the eye is gonna start smiling, the mouth is gonna start blinking. To keep the mouth wet. Yes. Andy, should we go to the song? Yes, let's do it. Thank you so much for listening to To In The Think Tank. You're cool. So everybody agrees. You're cool. Everybody agrees. The listeners of this show are cool. Yes. And wish I could disagree. Anything you want to plug Al? Just, you know, you can follow us on Instagram. I'm at Atrombley Virtual for some reason.

Andy's at Stupid Old Andy, I think. I don't know what I am on Instagram. I never post anything anyway, so I wouldn't bother. Yeah, but follow him. You can find me on Blue Sky. Yeah, you can follow our Patreon. I think you can join the Patreon. Oh, we're getting close to like having

a hundred side tanks that we've done. And I'm thinking that once we get to a hundred, we have to do a hundredth episode where we come up with a number of some ideas. And that number is a hundred. Okay. And I think we'll be able to do it pretty fast. Okay, Al, all right, all right.

And yeah. You can spare one more die this year. And anyway, but you'll be able, and we'll release it for free to like to anybody You don't have to like be a paid member on the on the Patreon Yeah, so that's what's my plan. I think we should make it so you do have to be a paid member No, but I think what I mean it is an it is a new feature on on on Patreon where you can be a non-paid member.

And we do have a bunch of people who have joined for that as well. And I just think it's a way of just, you know, I don't know, just luring people there so they can see it. Yeah, okay. We'll lure you. And we love... Like? Oh no, we love... We love... You. Geez, Al. We love you.

That's a Patreon only thing is that we say we like this. But we love you. So if you join our Patreon, we actually love you less. Or it's like a love, but then we also like you. Which is like a great thing for a marriage. That's true. Bye. You gotta go.

See ya. Bye. With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with Fizz.

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