Two In The Think Tank - 475 - "ITS A SHORE THING"

Episode Date: May 8, 2025

Sketch Spreadsheet by Will Runt: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1e2HYV7-VcnAV08wyHA7OFbqh_UCnVDUheiNFiqxPX_Y/edit?usp=sharingThink Tank Institute: https://lookerstudio.google.com/s/kH2int_ZkuIPants Illustrated: https://www.instagram.com/pants.illustrated?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==Andy's appearance on "Unconventional Pathways" https://open.spotify.com/episode/13Vvnv8E0ws4mHOQV1JTLS?si=QbBr7oIySE-ESOYeruvScgAndy's appearance on Pitch Bleak on Youtube: https://youtu.be/grK7kSL_T2g?si=sVX-s1mhXx9ZhQDfThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. How did the internet go from this? You could actually find what you were looking for right away, bowing to this. I feel like I'm in hell. Spoiler alert, it was not an accident. I'm Cory Doctorow, host of Who Broke the Internet from CBC's Understood. In this four-part series, I'm going to tell you why the internet sucks now, whose fault it is, and my plan to fix it. Find Who Broke the Internet on whatever terrible app you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com Hello and listen, listen, hello and listen to Two in the Think Tank. Good time to get a little bit of advertising in. Never been a better time. I feel like we've somehow hooked your interest, you know, and let's seal the deal. You know that they sometimes want to listen to Two in the Think Tank because that's what they clicked on. Yes, they're our target audience. Our audience is our target audience.

They're the people we need to market to. We need to somehow figure out how to get to them, to reach them. The listeners. Are we the speakers? We should also do a little, I would love to do, we've never done this, but at some point in the podcast, we should do a little, You're Listening to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. You know what? Let's do it now. You're listening to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. If you've just joined us, this is Two in the Think Tank.

Yes, and who are you? I'm Andy, and today I'm joined by Alistair George William Trombley-Birtchel to come up with five sketch ideas. Thank you very much, Andy. Thanks for having me. It's a pleasure. Longtime listener and longtime co-host. Alistair. I appreciate you having me on. Yeah.

You know what I like? What's that? I like how Austin Powers, the movie, it felt like to me was the first media that I saw, first comedy that I saw, to really tap into the comic potential of the karate chop, or in his case, the judo chop, as a, you know, it feels like something that has a lot of latent comedy in it and that he was able to realize. Yeah, it is one of the funnier ways you can hold your hand

while hitting somebody. It does, it absolutely feels like the way that is designed to inflict the maximum damage to your hand and the minimum damage to whatever it is that you're hitting. Yeah, because it's like you're turning your hand into a plank of wood. Yes. The very thing you'll often be chopping with your hand. And you sort of, it feels like you're hitting with sort of almost the soft underbelly of the hand. But at the same time, the vulnerable bone.

I don't know what it is about it, but just saying the word chop does not automatically turn the hand into a knife and just using the narrowest approach of the hand and also the smallest weakest finger as part of that. Yeah, yeah. Okay, little finger, you're going to go in first. You're going to be on the front line. The inventor of the karate chop. Now, fellas, we're going to... Now, what is good in battle? Having a weapon. What's a standard weapon that we have?

A knife. Yes. Okay. But what if we just put our hand in the shape of a knife and we said the word chop at the same time? There you go. I mean, perception is reality. And we said the word chop at the same time. There you go. I mean, perception is reality.

And we know that humanity's perception of the world is hugely influenced by what we hear and also by these images that we have almost burned into our brain from youth. These, these almost these icons. Think of the icon of the knife, something narrow. But I think, yeah, but using, you know, like, because you would think, so what are we going to use, like a nice hard bone, like the elbow or something like that, like where the two big bones are? No, no, like where the two big bones are. No, no, no.

They'll be expecting that. I think we'll lead with the pinky finger. And of course not, you know, we'll do it side on where it's most easy to snap it. Yes, and where it has the least experience operating. It was clearly not designed to work that way. I mean, are we just restating? Can we in any way improve upon awesome powers just saying judo chop and hitting people? Andy, absolutely. We are doing the origin story of the karate chop. Do you remember how people, when people, you know, when they brought out the first movie,

the episode one of Star Wars and people were like, this is what we want. We want to know where Darth Vader comes from. We want to see him as a little baby. That's right. Yes. Where did where did Austin get his judo chop? We're not actually doing Austin. Obviously, we're not. We could. We could. We could have little baby Austin powers. Do we get to see him as a baby? Trying to shag the other baby.

trying to shag the other baby. Oh no! No! Wawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawaw God. I mean, he sounds like, he sounds way worse than the adult Austin. As a baby. As a baby, yeah. Before he learned to temper his wilder instincts. He'd probably have a lot of like chest hair and pubes and stuff. Oh, this baby has so many pubes. That's, I mean, that's quite funny. This baby has so many pubes. So many.

It's a numerical thing. That's what you notice is the number. That this baby has pubes. And is exuding exuding Britishness somehow. He has terrible teeth. He has teeth and they're terrible. He somehow already got rotten teeth. already got rotten teeth. I suppose maybe maybe like you know what's it like the fluid inside of a mother maybe the amniotic fluid there maybe there's sugar in there mmm carbonated it's the acid and breaks apart the enamel. If you heard about like tooth, like so fluoride apparently does one thing that it does is it

helps remineralize some of your teeth. But I think I did see that there's like something that's around that they think might be better at remineralizing. Oh, this is great. They're going to love this. They're going to love this. The conspiracy theorists. Yeah. We got a new one yeah but I think it I think you can buy it in toothpastes and it's like you can sort of somehow I don't know if it fixes your teeth but

look I'm basing this entirely off of somebody sending me this in a messenger chat once our friend Nelly. Is it a relative? No no no, no, it was our friend Nellie. Oh really? Yeah, I mean I can picture that. I can picture Nellie saying that either Nellie or your mother, you know? Yeah. Like who else is going to be caring about the state of your teeth. Only Nellie and mother. Now, I don't know, for me, it doesn't have to be Austin Powers now. For me, a baby with pubes, terrible teeth. Who sexually harasses the nurses. Is, I mean, you know, is maybe its own thing. You know, I feel like by making him more of a pervert, we've created a completely new character.

Yeah, perv baby. Baby perv. Pervy baby. Pervy baby. Like a baby that can raise its eyebrows twice in a row yeah yeah a baby that when it go when it go when it go get when its mom gets to feed it the baby makes a really he says oh I, hubba, hubba, hubba. Well, yes, but hubba, hubba. That almost sounds like a baby noise. That's true. He could probably get away with it. But he can, I mean you often can get away with sexual harassment if you're considered attractive. If you're cute, but he isn't.

That's the thing. It would be fine, but the baby's really, I wouldn't mind being sexually harassed, but this baby is so ugly. If the baby was a bit sexier, it would be fine. This baby's gross. Yeah, there are some babies that do look like they've run a pub in England for 40 years. I know exactly the baby you're talking about.

I'm picturing him. I didn't know you'd met this baby, but I know the one you mean. I know exactly the baby you mean I've known him for years 35 years 35 years do you think I could oh yeah I think I could become a publican do you think it's too late to, a guy who runs a pub. You know, who does standard pub fare. You know, and, you know, Steak Diane, Pints, Parmas.

Well, I think the pint is definitely achievable. Live music, dancing. Do you think I could dance? Do you think you could create a convivial atmosphere? Convivial atmosphere? Do you think it's too late for me? Do you think I still have the ability to learn how to do this stuff? Do you think you could listen to the woes of the weary workers who come traipsing through your door on the dot of 5pm?

I did see that exact thing only mere weeks ago where we went into a bar in Montreal and we were there just very briefly but there was a, it was a very sparsely, it was a tiny bar, very sparsely populated. Were you there to drink or to use the bathroom? We were there to have exactly one drink and then leave to go to the karaoke place next door that didn't have a liquor license. We're gonna get juiced up on one juice. Yeah, and then take that buzz with you. Yeah, take the buzz all the way for an hour's worth of singing tunes. You know which song I found out I was okay at?

Was that one like, close your eyes and I'll kiss you for tomorrow. For some reason when it hits, I can hit that register really well. Alistair, you know how I feel about you and music. It doesn't surprise me in the slightest. I need to stop. I need to absolutely stop. No, you're able to do anything. You're a musical genius, if not God. Genius God.

I don't think that's in any way true, but I also think that you have all of that in you, if you're willing to try and believe. have all of that in you if you're willing to try and believe. No, but you also know that I don't have within me the ability to try or believe. So it's almost the same. No, I want. Oh, I want. You don't know how I want, but I am unable to turn that want into try. I'm stuck at the planning phase of effort. What about a place it's like a it's a it's a it's a hospitality place that sells eyebrows. Okay yeah nice and they still come in the size of you know pot, pint or jug? Are those the sort of... Oh like I'm picturing them, it's like they do an eyebrow sandwich.

Okay you go on. And so like, and so they're like attached to the skin still, but it's just like, it looks like the human skin where there's an eyebrow and they just slap them on and they pile them high and you get like an eyebrow sandwich and they may be marinated sort of like a barbecue tofu or something like that. Yes. And they do they all they do a beautiful eyebrow. Have you been downtown that tried that eyebrow place? Do I mean do any other animals have an eyebrow? Are we the only creature with eyebrows? Well, I reckon if you shave the rest of a primate.

Oh, absolutely. But also dogs, when you when especially like a Labrador looks at you, you do kind of get some eyebrow in there. Mm, sure. And sometimes there is a different coloration to the eyebrow of the dog, which I think is interesting. Yeah. Have you seen that?

That like, that it's all fur, but then like the eyebrows sort of tinted, just in that region. Yeah. But I, you know. They must use it for communication in some way. I wonder, I wonder. You know, they can't shrug

but they can rise, raise their eyebrows, raise them right, raise them to respect their elders, raise them in a God-fearing family. Alright Alastair, eyebrows. You know what I think is interesting the yeah the mushroom is a you know when they were inventing the mushroom when they were evolving the mushroom do you think they knew how good it was gonna be to be able to pretend to have a mustache with the mushroom you know how like it's gonna have that

frilly bit at the bottom and the exact shape like a slice of mushroom, how good it would be as a substitute mustache in an emergency. Like a standard button, standard button mushroom, or those bigger ones? I mean, it depends on what type of mustache you're interested in. Yeah. Any mushroom, any slice of any mushroom.

I've never used this before. I've never done this, Andy. You see, you are not living. You're not not really living you're not even really a sentient man. In many ways it's almost like like a lot of um so it's when they're you know you get a a uh what's that word a cross section cut and you get that down, because what you're talking about is the canopy. And you get that downward curve like that. And then the sort of the underside, the kind of the gills.

The gills. You know? Yeah, that's what I'm describing. Yeah, I'm starting to, it's all starting to fall into place for me Andy. Yeah, and so and do you think like a lot of the other, like it doesn't work as much with like a you know those like really thin ones that you get sometimes in a ramen or

something like that. They're just long, they're mostly stem. Yeah no you're absolutely right. When I said any mushroom I was obviously, I was taking creative license. A little bit of a liberty. You were outright, you were outright lying Andy. Well I was, I was making out with Lady Liberty in that moment. You were spouting absolute nonsense, putting, giving us hope. Yes. Thinking that we could go foraging and all leave the forest with mushrooms and spores entering our noses. Yes. And, and I...

I still can't get past that guy on Ripley's Believe It or Not who just had got some wood mold in his face and then had to have his face cut out. I still... Because the mold was growing in his face. Because the mold was growing in his face so we got to cut your face out. I reckon these days they'd find a different... We're gonna have to scoop you out like a fucking melon, mate. Yeah, we're gonna start at the nose, remove that and And then we're just going to grow the whole.

Oh, but you know what it was like it was, you know, like these, that the, believe it or not, this kind of freak show kind of thing. I mean, at least there was a role for that. You know, do you think that there was sort of like a, the version of a lawyer who's an ambulance chaser? Would you think that there was a sort of a, an ambulance chaser kind of freak show, impresario, who would, who would race after an ambulance after somebody had had a terrible accident

to try and get there to the hospital, just as the face scooping or the amputating or the fusing of limbs or whatever was happening in the operating room and try and sign them to a lucrative management contract. Because you know, it's not the end of anything. It's the beginning of a showbiz career. Absolutely. You know, there's nothing that can happen in your life that can't lead to more opportunity. More opportunities. Say you destroy your life with drugs, right? Yeah, okay. Or do you mean you created the opportunity to become a drug counselor? Oh, you know what? A lot of the best drug counselors are people who themselves have gone through addictions. So it kind of is a career pathway when you think about it like that, isn't it?

Hole-in-the-face counselor. Or you travel from schools to schools telling people about don't breathe in wood spores. Yeah, yeah, you know, you got sport class at school, why not spore class? That's right. Mr. Wisby, spore class. Each school has a budget for exactly this kind of stuff and they don't spend it they lose it for the next year that's all that's spore money you've got to hire a few object lessons you got to hire some cautionary tales the old cautionary tale that's a good name for for a podcast it'll already be taken. Cautionary tale? Yeah. Well is there any way that what if it's spelled T-A-I-L-S? Mmm that's good. Yeah. Yeah. Does that mean that we need to be animals or? Yeah it's about people who we're sort of transhumanists and were trying to, you know, we're just adding

tails to their bodies, but they were sewing them up and they kind of just, they didn't really take on the body. So then this kind of rotting flesh of another animal, sort of just hang on your body. It's hard. It's hard to get past the feeling that transhumanists who seek to become the fusion of man and machine, along the way I can't help but feel that they also become the fusion of man and infection. Man and, oh I'm pushing the boundaries of humanity and seeing what it's like if man were to become one with machine and also bacterial sport. Yeah and uh yeah like like I don't know why I started talking when I didn't have any of the words but um but and of talking when I didn't have any of the words but um but and organ rejection. Yes. Man is one with organ rejection, graft rejection. Man is one with scarring and uh inflammation. Yes, did it.

Uh, inflammation. Yes, did it. Yes, got it. Yes, Andy. Man is destined to become more than mere man. Mere, he will become mere cat. I imagine, yes. I mean, I imagine that transhumanists who have like a bit of like fucking microchip put under their skin or whatever. I imagine they're really itchy all the time.

I think one of the guys who had a magnet put in his finger talks about how he wouldn't recommend anybody else do it because he caused him a lot of problems. You know, once it burst and then he had an infection in there and things like that. Ohhhh. had an infection in there and things like that. Oh! He had done it so that he could feel, so that he could feel magnetic, uh... Yeah. Magnetic fields.

Magnetic fields. Put the field into fields. That's right. You can't say field without feel. And that's how I feel about fields as well. Cause you go to an actual field and you always at least feel something. No, feel something. Like when you looked at your field that you had at your place and that place, that town you lived in.

Mount Edgerton, the paddock, yes. Yeah. Cause all of that would be like, you would look and you'd see potential maybe. That was exactly it, Al paddock. Yes. Yeah, because all that would be like you would look and you'd see potential maybe That was exactly it alistair. You've tapped into entirely What was and is so addictive for me about that place? Not anything specifically specific that it had or that I did there but all the things that I could have had or did there um, and I that I did there, but all the things that I could have had or did there. And I think about all those things I could have had or did every goddamn day.

And it's like a new notebook. It's essentially exactly the same thing. You're exactly right. Yeah. You know, except for, I guess, I think a pad is, you know, in the sense of a writing pad might be short for paddock, you know, is a pad, not a pad, in the sense of a writing pad, might be short for paddock. You know, is a pad, not a paddock, on which we set loose our words and letters to frolic. We sow the seeds of our next piece of work that will put food on the table. But I and I guess it's a similar thing with like you know like serial killers they must do you think that that first they write down the

idea in a notebook they go maybe I could kill someone or lots of people do you think like that do you think they ever do that? Well, it often they you know the fact that they do have a sort of a mode a way that they do things regularly does suggest an element of planning you know and of And of branding as well of setting out to I will do it this way. I see a gap in the serial killing market. Or do they like me?

For a guy who doesn't get caught. Yes. That's his, that's his MO. That's his calling card. Yeah. I guess you'd want to be one of those guys who like, where people don't even really notice that people are gone I think that that's what a lot of them are aiming for

Like I reckon if they're if they're in if they're going into if they were like there was a reddit chat, you know a reddit Board for these kinds of guys. They'd be like saying to each other Try to find people that people won't even notice are gone. Yeah, which is such like, this is, I'm in interesting territory here, am I going to say something fucked that I regret? But like, I think that that's a shame for serial killers, I think that shows a lack of ambition, I think it's low hanging fruit, fruit and I think you know if you you know they're always picking on the vulnerable the isolated right? Yeah people who've had like a bad upbringing and nobody cares about them or whatever like that and then I

mean yeah that's what abusers do too. Very often women you know it's like have some fucking self-respect and serial kill really high profile hard to kill people. Yeah people who are getting watched who are being protected. Just you know WWE wrestlers or world champion boxers or something like that. It's like calling yourself oh I'm an apple picker and then you just pick up the fruit that's on the ground. Yes. Come on. You know how like you're trying to claim all that respect of being an apple picker. You're trying to climb onto that echelon of society.

And if I go along, I tell all my friends I met an apple picker, and then we all go along to watch you at work and we see you picking up with the apples off the fucking ground That's humiliating. Yeah, you found a loophole if you were getting paid by the pound or whatever like that Not by the quality of the fruit Then maybe I might you might do that. You might just go underneath the trees and just kind of scoop up all the stuff That's slightly bitten and rotting and things like that Just to be able to call yourself an apple picker. Oh yes, you know in some circles,

you know like I was just reading an interview with Gerald Murnane, he's that sort of like that reclusive Australian writer who. Literary genius. Yeah. I'll never read a single word of any of his books. Yeah, I mean I've tried at one point to listen to it and it's not necessarily... it's not necessarily super difficult but it's also not easy, right? But he has this thing because he lives in a very small town and he kind of like, you know,

pulls beers for the men's shed and he plays golf. Oh he's a publican. Well he doesn't have any any I think maybe he pulls beers at the at the golf club there yeah and but he also does some stuff for the men's shed there but it's a very small town and he's, and he, he mentions in numerous interviews about how he's, he's a very normal guy. You'll, you'll notice for me, I'm a very, you know, I'm not one of these fancy people who, you know, these snobby inner city tops, that kind of thing like that or whatever. You know, meanwhile, he's writing this like, you know, impenetrable, you know, fiction that, you know, that gets him nominated. Awards. Yeah, it gets him nominated for like the Booker Prize.

Yes. Right. And, but I think it's because he like, he lives in this environment where it's just a bunch of, you know, just regular folks. So he, in order to fit in, he kind of just has to be a regular folk. And so he's built this whole narrative in his head where he's like, well, no, it's just when I'm writing that I kind of go to this other place.

It's not even really me, because I'm such a normal guy. You know? I don't know, I just find that the narratives that we create in our own heads like this, I'm just writing about my very normal life, you know, in this very kind of post-modern, you know, anyway, I don't know. I don't know what to say, Andy. I don't know what to say about you. Is there a parallel where there's another kind of guy? He, you know, it's like, you know, it could be somebody who kills. In many ways, I'm not actually a killer. I'm actually just a, I'm actually a very nice person.

It's just when I'm killing. If you met me in my day-to-day life, you would... I'm the last person you think who's a murderer. Yeah, and to judge me by that thing that I only do very rarely, most of the time I'm not killing. If I'm doing anything, I'm driving around the local state forest looking for sites for know, sites for graves, you know. But I'm not killing. I'm, you know, I'm trawling the streets, scoping out my next potential victim, you know.

I'm not killing anybody. I'm helping people out at women's shelters and things like that. And, you know, I'm a Cub Scout leader. Yeah. I'm an integral member of the community. Not, you know, probably I would not describe myself in any way as a serial killer. Probably,

Angel first. Just trying to. I'm actually more of a nice guy than I am a serial murderer. Hmm. Hmm. Statistically, you know, if you take a broader view. ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. How did the internet go from this? You could actually find what you were looking for right away, buying to this. I feel like I'm in hell. Spoiler alert, it was not an accident. I'm Cory Doctorow, host of Who Broke the Internet from CBC's

Understood. In this four-part series, I'm going to tell you why the internet sucks now, whose fault it is, and my plan to fix it. Find Who Broke the Internet on whatever terrible app you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. I reckon serial kills, I reckon, you know, be funny to see one who, funny, really funny, to see one who does start with the bush grave, you know, who, who he just finds a spot where you'd be like, man, this would be the perfect spot to bury somebody. This would be the perfect spot. Look at this.

Somebody asking him whatever what his process is. I actually start with the location of the mass grave. Yeah. I mean, after I kill somebody I'm like oh well I probably won't kill again. I don't think I have another murder in me. But then you're fine you know you go a few weeks go by and then you know maybe you'll see a little spot you know just nestled there you know under a drooping oak tree and you start to think,

God, that'd be poetic, wouldn't it? For the body to be found there. And then, ah, it just gets into your head and now you're thinking about it and you're kind of like, it feels like it's unrealised potential, you know? No, if I don't do it, nobody else is gonna do it, are they?

I mean, if I don't do it, it someone else will so it doesn't really matter. Oh, even worse. You know what, somebody else will come by this and you know of course they're going to have to fill it with a body. Yeah, well you're telling me that I'm the only one who thinks this way? It's undeniable. I think that's a very funny idea. Alastair, I wrote down the words loophole to love.

Because we were talking about loopholes earlier, I think. And I was like, I was thinking that's a good 80s power ballad. You know, there's no loophole to love. There's no shortcut to my heart. You know, somebody is trying to get in there. And then the rest of the song is where he describes the process by which they need to go through in order to get his love. First you make me a ramen dinner, you follow the steps I wrote down. I got the recipe when I visited Tokyo and you gotta make it exact.

If you do that then comes the coat making section. The coat? You're gonna make me a coat? There's a lot of acts of service in this guys. There's no loophole. There's no loophole to my love. To my love. And the third step is an obstacle course and you gotta make it within two and a half minutes. That's what I could do when I was 26 years old.

Oh, I liked what you did with that note. There's a little bit of country in there as well. Oh yeah, he's a country kind of guy. Country, the country crooner. But he actually found out about it in Japan, so it's a kind of a Japanese influenced country. Oh, he's getting, a lot of the things in the song reference his love of the culture of Japan.

reference his love of the culture of Japan. Oh lord. Yeah. Well, he's, he, it was the only trip he went on in his life. Okay. Very formative. And he's getting old and pretty set in his ways. That's why there's, there's no loophole to his love. And there's actually not that many suitors.

Wow, so he's in a seller's market. Yeah, but he's in a seller's market, but he's trying to force it to be a buyer's market. You know what I mean? Is that what it means? No, he's a seller, isn't he? He's selling the love. So he's able to set the terms.

No, I'm thinking that... Oh, maybe he's the buyer. Yeah. Yeah, I think he's the buyer. They're really two sides of the same coin. Yeah, I mean, in many ways, when you fall in love with someone, you're the buyer, but you're also the seller. Yeah. You're selling yourself and buying your beloved.

Hmm. They're wares. Buy a beloved. You know, you shake your wares, you say, what do you reckon about this? They go, yeah, I could I could work with that. Yeah, sitting at your stall there. Yeah. That's you laying down on the bed or counter wherever you presented all your Where's to your beloved for the first time wherever I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna tell you where to lay down I Have never done any kind of loving

Sexing on a kitchen counter and Laying down on it seems like the craziest way to do it. But I think the hype which you'd be, somehow it probably has an inbuilt convenience that would be great, but only for certain things. I mean somebody who is really wants to experiment, wants to mix it up, wants to make love in different parts of the house, but every time is insisting on just doing it missionary position just

I mean Yeah, cuz that's that's the thing about making love in the kitchen is that you know It's not it's not gonna be it's not going to be missionary to take full advantage You know if you're gonna you've got you've got to adapt to the location. You've got to use the environment, I think. Absolutely. And so then you're doing things like, you're like, no, it's missionary. There's a lot of stuff we can still do with missionary.

There's tongs, there's, I can turn the tap on and off, you know, drop your head into the sink. I'll get that little jet there that, you know, the one that's for like rinsing things off. Mmm, and I can wash shampoo out of your hair. Yeah. If there is any. If there is any, I can clean your armpits.

Oh, we are very experiment... Trisha and I are very experimental. We've done missionary position in every room of the house. I mean, look, you know, you I mean look you know you're working in with pace you're working with lighting levels you're working with you know you could play binaural beats during it. I've never I'd love to binaural beats. Binaural beats. You know you got to both wear headphones because apparently you got it it's a thing that only works with headphones. Really? I think so, I think because it's supposed to be like getting your brain into a certain frequency.

I don't know if you can, you know, if getting it in the room would work. I don't know Andy. Honey there's eyes open, eyes shut, mouth open, mouth shut. It's great, you know, it's actually, it's not vanilla at all. It's a whole corneacopia of possibilities. That's right and when somebody invented that choking thing, that was just one person thinking, what if we squeeze the neck? There's so many other body parts that we could be squeezing. Squeeze your nose. When you're at the choking point, maybe just try a different,

try not doing something that isn't missionary. Like it feels to me like people who are getting a bit desperate for excitement you know just yeah maybe put your head in the water put your head in the water there you go we did it not all the way in no no that's back to another not being able to breathe situation no that didn't mean that Not don't plunge the head into the water. I've been wanting to try something crazy, honey You know how I've always wanted to Make love on a waterbed

But you've never wanted that because you hate water beds. Well, I bought us a bed that is half water bed, half a firm mattress, sort of a single bed mattress on it. And I want us to make love side by side, me on the water bed and you on the firm mattress. That would be so hard. But they call it, you know what they call it? They call it the coastline. They call it the sealy coastline. Surf and turf.

Surf and turf. Where the land meets the sea. And honey, the tide's coming in. It's coming in. Oh, there's a big set coming in. And the sun is setting over the land. The slag line is... slag line? The slag line! The tag line is, it's a sure thing. Oh yes it's a sure thing. Beautiful. Alastair. What a beautiful porno that will make. There's been a bit of a bit of

waffle today but I feel like we've probably written down five sketch ideas. You'd be surprised how many you have written down, Andy. Very surprised. Yes, Andy. And today's three words come from a listener. Oh. listener. And this name came out, felt like it was an old timey listener of ours. A name that I hadn't seen for many, what feels like years. Would you say they're an OG? They could be an OG. Kevin Packrad. Kevin Packrad.

Remember Kevin Packrad? Of course I remember Kevin Packrad. Kevin Packrad. Remember Kevin Packrad? Of course I remember Kevin Packrad. Yeah, and so I don't know, I was shocked to see this name appear on the Patreon. Shocked, and did you know Kevin Packrad has a middle name? This is incredible. You know, everyone has the potential to surprise you. Now you pull apart those, that Christian and surname and you reveal to me the gleaming.

He's parted, I've parted his Christian and last name. And inside Andy is a beautiful, shiny Ulysses. Kevin Ulysses Packrad. You're kiddingrad you're kidding You're kidding. I wish I was I wish I could kid. I lost the ability If that's a real middle name, that's the that is the best middle name. That is the best middle name What a treat what a treat what a you are. Oh my god up there with Agamemnon What a treat. What a treat.

You are, oh my god. Up there with Agamemnon. No, I think it's higher. Higher in the firmament. I mean, both I think feature probably in the Odyssey. Of course. Yes. But for me, Ulysses, what a name.

Yeah. Now, Kevin says in his message, I have three words from a listener. I can also confirm that that listener is me. Now, I see that listeners are doing this now. I see now we can finally get this certainty that the listeners have been calling out about whose words are which listeners. Yes. You know, a lot of listeners sending in their own words though I am noticing that.

Well now that we've established this system when we're able to get some meaningful data about it does seem like that's the trend. That is a trend so far. And it makes me wonder, have all these words this whole time been from the person writing in? Well, it's, you know, I mean, all those years of data wasted. Nothing that we can do. Yeah. Unless, unless people who have previously submitted words

come back and let us know. Clarify. The history of the words that they submitted and maybe we could do a Patreon bonus app where we just clear this up once and for all where all that the history of the words huge huge and which listeners they were sending them in from. Anyway, so here are the words. Would you like to try to guess the first one, Andy? Yes, the first word is spine.

Oh, no. The first one is post. Okay. Second word is office. Office. No, Andy. It's the other type of post-coital. Ah, I mean the third word being office would be pretty good as well. Yeah, of course. Post-coital burp? Ah, Andy the burp is something that you might do after this last word, Andy. It is quesadilla. Oh, wow. Post, post. Do you mind if I have a quesadilla after sex? Picture this. You've just finished having sex with your beloved on the counter.

Mmm. In the kitchen. You're laying next to them, you've got a chopping board under your back, you know, you're holding, you're holding on to that that plastic spoon-like thing but it's got those fingers around the edge of the spoon, the prongs, and there's a hole in the base of the spoon bowl. You know that for maybe for picking up pasta. The pasta spoon. Also really good for scratching your back.

That's not what you've been using it for though. Oh wow. Have you been using it like I do to get olives out of the olive jar? That's right. Maybe you have. And and you say do you mind if I have a quesadilla after the sex right and you and they say not at all and you grab a quesadilla as you open the microwave with your knee and you reach around awkwardly and you get in there. Ah, the reach around. The reach around. The old rusty trombone with the, as you put your face on the front of the microwave,

just because there's not enough room and you're pushing, you have to push the door open into your own face. It's not a big counter. And you grab a case, half a case of, no, you grab a corner, it's cut into triangles, and you bring it to your mouth and you grab a little lighter and you light the quesadilla, into the quesadilla, and you suck through, you drag, take a big your lungs, start to choke and die there on the countertop.

Atop your beloved. Toxic smoke from the plastic American cheese burning at the end. What a way to go. cheese burning at the end. You're choking. You're choking and the toxic smoke is stuck in your lungs, unable to get out. What about this is a beautiful thing to do for your beloved. When you're planning a lovemaking session and you're getting ready,

place a quesadilla under the sheets of the bed. Make furious love and let the warmth, the heat of your passion warm that quesadilla, that microwave quesadilla. And then afterwards, slice it there on the bedside table and share it with your betrothed in a beautiful moment of mutual satisfaction. You know what would be nice as well. Enjoy the fruits of your lovemaking. Not only to be warming it up but to maybe have a couple of beautifully placed cross, like cross sectioned knives so that your downward force also is slicing.

Slicing, so you're making love on the backs of knives. Well on the backs of knives over the top of chopping boards that are underneath quesadillas, underneath knives. Unless you'd made yourself one of those large, like a slap chop machine. A slap chop. Remember the slap chop? No. It was a sort of like infomercial device that would be like a container, and you put your boiled eggs and your olives in there, maybe some mayo and some onions or something like that. Put the lid on and you just slap the top of it,

and some blades would come down and then turn, and then chop, and then come up and turn. And so then you would get this kind of, you know, like stop, mince up, but we would remove the turning part of it so that we just slice it. We don't want it all. We don't want them absolutely dice to shit this quesadilla. You know what? That slap chop, it feels like a sort of a brings us full circle to the karate chop earlier on.

It feels like it's using that same philosophy of a slap that chops. That's true, but I mean it must have been somebody who was trying to maybe trying to like trying to improve the slap itself. He's like, the slap is good. I think the slap is great. I'd much rather, I think it's a much more potent weapon than the karate. It's more insulting. It's more insulting as well.

Cause I've seen a few slaps in the UFC and when somebody pulls it off, they slap someone in the face. They often point at them and then laugh at them. Like, I'm... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's me bitch slapping you now. You know, it's more insulting. Like, yeah, I don't know why, but getting punched in the face would be way worse, obviously. Because it's essentially... A slap is like a belly flop on your face. It's like, it smocks, but it doesn't knock you out a lot of the time, although there is power slap,

which is a thing where people knock each other out. With slapping. Yeah, it's like a sport, but where people don't, they just take it. I used to do that with a friend at university. But on hands rather than in the face? No, on the face. Oh my god!

Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh wow. Yeah, I guess there is aspects of you that, you know, are... they're a little bit hidden. There are parts of you that you wouldn't be able to predict. Well, there was a... it was a period of, um, you know, of self of self-discovery you know and I didn't really know what my personality was. Maybe I'm a guy who gets together with another guy and we slap each other in the face. Yeah I mean there was a I do remember a night where I'm pretty sure

me, you, at least one woman and another man came back to the warehouse, laid a mattress down, and then you wrestled the three of us, I think, and you pinned us all. You possibly held us, all three of us, down at the same time. I know at least me and another woman you held us both down. That was the case. Yeah. It was the case, and it feels like it feels like the prelude to to love making in some way. And it feels like there's some sort of suppressed or repressed lust behind all of this. Nothing could be further from the truth. There couldn't have been anything less erotic about it. It was Andy just essentially legally beating the shit out of us as much as he could. We're essentially legally beating the shit out of us as much as he could. And the erection such as it was, was irrelevant to the situation. That's right. That erection is irrelevant.

Let me take us through the sketch ideas, Andy. Are you ready? I am ready. Okay, we've got the inventor of karate chops and the process that he underwent. The logic, the logic that went through. We've got Baby Austin Powers or Pervy Baby. Great. Pervy Baby.

Now look, you're not gonna be happy I wrote this down, but it's the eyebrow sandwich place. No, Alastair, I'm sorry I didn't contribute much to it. No, it's fine, it's okay. I think maybe, but you know what? Much like wood, hair is one of those things that I feel could be eaten, but you don't really see it get eaten.

Yeah, and when you do see it get eaten, it's in a news report where somebody has a huge ball of it in their stomach. That's right. Because they've been unable to digest it. But I feel like they did, they should, they're cowards, they should have pushed through. I mean, often if you find hair at your food, you like complain. Uh, that's food, dude. Yeah, it's the attitude.

I find a bad attitude in your mouth. You've got an animal's ass in your bowl And you're worried about some hair We've got Animal ass we've got the agent who chases Ripley's believe it or not potential You know people who break have undergone freakish, yeah, body stuff. Yeah. Then we've got transhumanists with rotting animal parts, fusing man and

infection. Although I feel like there's a chance we wrote this exact thing down maybe about nine years ago. We have the unambitiousness of serial killers. Unacceptable. And somebody's, maybe a serial killer's, somebody criticizing the serial killer for this. That's what it is. Yeah, maybe as they're being led into the woods to be murdered. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, killing me could, nothing could be easier. A killer who

says he's a, who sort of justifies how he's really a nice guy. And it's really, it's the, a murderer of multiple people is the last thing I would call myself. Yeah. And you know, you've got, you're being sentenced to jail. Well, okay. There's like a whole, yeah, oh sorry, go. No, well, I like, I like, what about all the time,

you know, it feels like you kill, like in terms of the amount of time of my life that I spend killing, I'm being sentenced just for that, you know. So I think there should be some sort of, most of the time I'm not killing people. So, but I'm going to have to go to jail for all the time. Do you see how that's it? Yeah. And sure, okay, I'm getting a few lifetimes in jail, but what about the 63 years that I've lived? I mean, sometimes, you know, a very young person will die. That's, you know, maybe 12 or, you know, 18.

I've already lived 18 lifetimes of a person that age, you know? And so, one lifetime in prison for this, for being a, in inverted commas murderer hmm yeah unlikely then he's we've got person asks murderer what his process is and I start with the location of the I think I wrote massage but the oh yeah that yeah that's right the bush grave we've got surf and turf sex position. It's a sure thing. There you go. And then we've got taking a drag of a post-coital quesadilla.

What did we say after that? Did we write, was there something else that was? Oh, I was talking about one that is cooked with the heat of your passion. You know, you place it under the sheets. Oh yes, the's right. Under the sheets. Oh yes, the sex-cooked Mexican food. Mm. I am delightful.

Andy, what do you think, eh? I lost it. Music? Here we go. Music! Five, six, seven, eight. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, hum, hum, hum, buh, buh, buh.

Wow. Ellis here, thank you. Andrew, thank you for everything. And listeners, thank you for everything as well. Oh, imagine, imagine how much we would be able to thank these listeners if we could see them. Are we still going to have an episode with a guest? Yes, at some point. It's just that he can't do Wednesdays because he has his own podcast and then we can't.

And today it's Wednesday here. I know where you are. It's Thursday. Yes. And today it's Wednesday here. I know where you are. It's Thursday, but you know, yes Ah the quirks Andy the quirks of international Recording audio filming. Well next week. Let's aim for Wednesday and maybe we'll have a guest No, no, we'll aim for Tuesday. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. I get what you're saying. Sorry See you later Andy. Thank you listeners And we love you. Bye-bye. A-Cast powers the world's best podcasts.

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