Simple Swedish Podcast - 48 - "Pitching to Rick"

Episode Date: September 26, 2016

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Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Alistair. I'm Andy, and it is good to be... Goddamn being is one of the best. It's good to be. It's one of the best, yeah. Yeah. Have you tried not being?

Usually when I'm unconscious, essentially, I think that's what I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not exactly not being, but it's very similar. But I would say that I am unconscious. Yes. So you're still being something. Yeah, I'm being unconscious, but I'm as little being as I can. I'm thinking about trying a coma.

It's like you want to move to Ballarat, but instead you move to Castlemaine. It's close. It's close. I mean, they're not that close. I can't tell the difference. It's not like Bendigo and Castlemaine, which are probably only roughly 45 from each other. Okay, well, that shows how little I know about, I'm going to say, Ballarat, Bendigo, and Kaltamain. To you, all V lines are the same.

They are. You don't care. I refer to them as the regions. Yeah, the inland. Inland. You just treat inland with scorn. I commented before that we could combine Kaltamain, Bendigo, and Ballarat all into one city and call it Castle Bendy Rat. It's not the first time you've said that.

It's not the first time. I'll probably say it again. I mean, look, it's not the first time that we've shown how much disdain we have for anyone and anything inland. And anywhere. And anywhere that is inland. Inland. And, look, I think it's deserved. I mean, I've driven out there. And anywhere. And anywhere that is inland. In land. And look, I think it's deserved.

I mean, I've driven out there a few times recently. And it's, you know, like I'm about to do it tomorrow. About to go all the way to Echuca. Are you serious? Oh, look at the things you do for money. You're gonna go to Echuca. Yeah. It sounds like it was named

by a train. All right. Echuca, Echuca, Echuca, Echuca. I don't know if it's any worse than the normal naming conventions that we have for things. No. Naming it after people who were here once. Absolutely. Descriptions of the land.

I guess that's pretty good. I think... It's probably not worse than descriptions of the land. What? Descriptions of the land is a terrible... More land? More land. No, but what about like, you know, Twin Peaks? Yeah, that's quite good.

Yeah, see, that's quite good. Death Valley. I'm assuming, you know. I mean, that was a valley. It's not like it's a city, but, you know. Yeah, you're right. That is a very good thing to name a place. Death Valley.

I mean, it's cooler than Echuca. Can you think of a tougher job than being a real estate agent in Death Valley? Yeah, okay. Garbage man anywhere? Yeah, I mean, you personally, Alistair, I have used garbage person as an insult, haven't you? Yeah. But you're not likening someone to a garbage man, someone who collects garbage. No, I would never insult the people who sanitize our streets.

They prevent disease. They're essentially doctors. You know they're New York's strongest garbage people. So there's New York's finest are the police. Yeah, right. New York's bravest are the fire department. And the garbage, the sanitation removal experts, they're the New York's strongest. See, I didn't know that.

The one time I've been to New York, I've got to say, there was a lot of big piles of garbage that they could have done well see once someone reaches that level of strength from a management point of view it's very difficult to then tell them to go and pick up garbage to control them yeah because once you're in the management position of the strongest people you're actually below them yeah yeah oh yeah the negotiating positions uh is actually what it was referring to. So they just do what they want. They do what the fuck they want. Yes.

They aren't going to pick up anybody's trash. Is that in any way a sketch? Yeah, in any way it is. In some way. So do you have an inkling of how that sketch would play out? Well, I mean, it could either be about, you know, New York's strongest. Or it could be a situation in which the person, and like any other situation, in which the person who's in charge is of less authority than the person that they're in charge of i see i see so i mean it could be like well gorillas great yeah like a gorilla yeah yeah so um yeah and and so

it could be so it's just the zookeeper and a gorilla yes yes a zookeeper and a gorilla and um but see see the problem is you've got the wall there right of course yeah well the wall the wall really gives the zookeeper some power yeah you know many many leaders have used walls to indeed stop people from uh i was also thinking there's a possibility like the parent of a giant baby. Yeah, well, I mean, we saw that played out to humorous effect in Honey, I Blew Up the Kids, the sequel to Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. I mean, where do you think they would have gone after that? I can tell you where they went.

They went to Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves. Oh, yeah. Direct-to-video. Not quite as, you know... Was Rick Moranis in that one? Yes, he was, yes. So you can go, you go small, you go huge, but then you can't, like, the only thing that's left is medium size.

So, you know. Okay. The third one would have to be Honey, we remained the same size, or Honey, everything's okay. Honey, we're roughly half size. We're smaller, we're roughly half size. We're smaller. We're not tiny.

I mean, it depends on your point of view. Yeah. I would have thought this was tiny until the first installment of this series. If I hadn't been through as much as I have been. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, because how many many size based plots can you have that's it

yeah I mean there's big there's small what about honey I'm half size and you're double size it's

yeah it's kind of a crossover you know but then you have to see them work out their relationship like that yeah

I mean maybe originally he was already I mean Rick Moranis is pretty small so he But then you have to see them work out their relationship like that. I mean, maybe originally he was already... I mean, Rick Moranis is pretty small, so he... I think maybe... See, we're thinking in terms of dimensions, sorry. We're thinking in terms of dimensions, big and small. But what if, honey, I can only move left and right, and you can only move forwards and backwards? Like somehow we've become trapped in different planes of left and right and you can only move forwards and backwards like somehow we've become

trapped in in different planes of existence right yeah honey i'm last week and you're two weeks from now so they get i think that was so they're displaced in time they're displaced in time or they're one of them's moving very fast one is moving very slowly but you're you're displaced in time? They're displaced in time. Or one of them's moving very fast, one of them's moving very slowly. But your displaced in time one, I think, was the plot of The Lake House, starring Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. Yeah. But that was really a thing about a magic mailbox. Yeah. This is very different.

This is about a magic machine. No, no, no. There's no machine. Sort of laser. Oh, well, no, there's no machine Sort of laser Oh, well, I guess he's got the machine But then somehow he goes back in time a week And she goes forward in time two weeks And they still have to try to make their marriage work

I'd like to incorporate elements of the first episode He has a run-in with a with a an ant and a scorpion again yeah but the ant is like a day ahead of him and the scorpion is a day behind i see yeah so it's it's somebody pitching rick moran. We want to play with more dimensions. I think this is really funny. You never see Rick, right? So it's just the two guys in there pitching to Rick.

He's on the other side of the table. So it opens. Rick, you've been out of the game for a long time. I think you were dealing with your wife's health. That's very commendable. That's great. But I tell you what, people, they love the franchise they love they love it the honey franchise the honey i the honey i franchise um all right after after the new it feels like you could say honey i

and then almost anything and it would be a hit yeah uh. Now, after the, obviously, the Ghostbusters minor success, the new one, we're thinking there's real hunger for some new Rick Moranis. 90s action comedy. They want you, baby. Yeah. Can I call you baby? Absolutely. Absolutely. And obviously we don't see him, but we might hear him.

Not then, obviously. But, you know, I think it's got something to do with his wife was sick and then he's sort of taken on some of her qualities. Great. It's like the brain, right? When one part gets taken out, the other brain starts to compensate. Like when you... What did you say?

Did Maddie, it had happened to his wife? Did you say she was out of the way? Because that's what I heard. That's what I heard. She dies. She's out of the way. Is that what you said? Yeah.

You know, marriage. Being in each other's way. I don't know that he's going to go with us in this pitch reading. Rick, ignore the first ten minutes of what we said. I'm sorry. Okay. What we want to do is we're thinking of more of the universal dimensions that we can play with. You've done big.

You've done small. You've done big. You've done small. You've done small again. Yes. But this time it's you, right? Your kids are big again, but only big in comparison, they've stayed the same size. Exactly.

You were there. They're probably older now, to be honest. They're all growing up. They've got kids of their own. But imagine if their grandfather was two weeks ago. Their mother was in a month. Their grandmother was in a month. Okay.

I'm thinking other universal constants. No, other dimensions. Great. We've worked with... Okay, you can only move sideways. Your wife can only

move forward and backwards. She's really heavy. Okay? And you keep floating away. What about this? Your wife becomes a wormhole. Honey, I made you a wormhole.

And every time you have sex, you pass through her to another dimension where she never existed. You've got to get back through her to find her again. It's a metaphor for marriage. Getting out of each other's way. Your marriage, Rick. Anyway. It's alright, look. We got two pitches for him We got two pitches, I think it's great

I'm just putting forward Rick, Rick, Rick Pitching to Rick Rick Moranis pitch Pitch It's the Honey Eye series Honey Eye shrunk the kids Honey Eye shrunk the kids honey i shrunk the kids honey i blew up the baby that's what it was called really yeah it's called

honey i blew up the baby oh that's quite confronting yeah i mean i think it yeah it could have touched on darker themes and in the end, it was really just a big baby. In the end. In the end. In the end, it was a small baby. But sort of towards the end, it was quite a big baby. Somewhere in the middle, it was quite a big baby. I think it went through different sizes throughout the movie.

I guess you needed some kind of progression. Because I think at one point, he was like the size of, you know, the guy the Vegas guy who plays the guitar, but made out of neon lights? Elvis? Is there a big sign or something? It's one of those famous signs.

Maybe it's not even in Vegas. Maybe it's some other place. I'm pretty sure. I could be wrong. I'm pretty sure, but I could be wrong I'm pretty sure, but I could be wrong. I could be wrong. At some point in that movie, they called in the military to deal with the baby? Or the military was

threatening to shoot the baby? I feel like there must have been some military involvement. I also think that there's a common theme, and I don't know if it happened in that film, but of guys from the military in movies trying to turn things into weapons. So I'm pretty sure that happened in

Alien Resurrection, right? They had aliens on the ship and they were planning to weaponize them. They thought they could train them. And then that occurred again in Jurassic, the most recent one. Oh, right. I didn't see that.

Jurassic World? Yeah, Jurassic World. So they tried to weaponize... The velociraptors. They thought they could... There was a military guy who thought... Sort of riding them around? Sort of just keeping them as like a pack, like you would hunting dogs,

and sort of racing with them and training them to hunt and destroy. So they would run alongside you, like you were sort of Mowgli and training them to to to so they would run alongside you like like you were sort of mogli and they were your pack of wolves yes yes have you seen the latest uh i haven't seen iron man no i haven't seen with mogli stark um but but that idea of a military guy who wants to weaponize things. Weaponize the giant baby. Well, maybe not the giant baby. But other things, yeah. Yeah, other things.

Maybe other films. No, I do like this. I think that's a fun premise. Yeah. So he's looking... Because, I mean, that would be somebody's job, probably. Is somebody's looking for new types of weapons. That's the crazy thing.

It probably is. There is probably someone that is in their entire job, is to look around and look online and say, oh, somebody's invented a new kind of clip for a bread bag. There's a magnet on it. You can keep it on the fridge. What can? Yeah. keep it on the fridge. What can... How can the American military, the world's finest, most richest,

most powerful military, how can we utilize that? Can we hurt people with this? How can we use this to hurt people? Okay, let's see. So maybe he's almost like a physical comedian. I don't think it would be that different from like Buster Keaton

trying to work out a bit yeah right and so he's he's like slapping himself in the face with it going like what how could you

how could you hurt yourself with this instead of you know playing a good thing like that and he's throwing the magnets at the at the fridge and he's like

I got a good spin on him yeah maybe he's putting it in a gun I think I think the fridge magnet thing is probably a bad idea I think we can find something you know more him yeah uh maybe he's putting it in a gun i think i think the fridge magnet thing is a is probably a bad idea i think we can find something you know more even more innocuous sure uh you know like some sort of all i can think of is cream but i mean like what about maybe somebody's weaponized

uh the wedding industry the sort of you know, you know, like, in many ways, somebody already has weaponized the wedding industry. And the prices are so high. So high. That it does hurt people. But, I mean, obviously, we're trying to hurt your enemies, not just gouge sort of, you know, because, I mean, that would end up hurting your family and friends in the end. Well, I mean, they kind of did this with not quite the wedding industry, but like people say that CIA used cocaine to destroy the Black Panther movement, right? Yeah, right.

I mean, they could have just got them into really expensive weddings. A lot of debt. Yeah. And then they would have had to work it off and they couldn't have afford to spend all that time Black Panthering, you debt. Yeah. And then they would have had to work it off, and they couldn't have afforded to spend all that time Black Panthering. You know? Yeah. And all the good work they did with that.

But I think that's... I think there's a sketch in it. Yeah, no, I think I definitely... You know, I do want to explore. Like, look, I'm going to even write down... Weaponizing. Weaponizer. Weaponizing.

In a way, Alistair, it's our classic brainstorming format, but it's in a in a way alistair it's our classic brainstorming format but it's got a more physical element which i i like uh that is you know he has to experiment with an object in a work out a way in which it can be dangerous yeah but like also um just to try to like bring it back to like the places we've seen it, so it's like to bring it back to the archetype of those guys it's like the guy in Alien it's new discoveries right, so maybe in that case

there's a, see I thought it could just be a guy we somehow explain his career choice, that he has to weaponize things the Western military has to weaponize things and, you know, weaponize things. The voice of the military has to weaponize things. And he, you know, just different, you know, he's just different stuff. Maybe he's on Kickstarter.

Maybe he's on Etsy. Absolutely. Trying to find, you know, things that are coming up. Kickstarter is seeing the latest snore cure. You know, he's like, hey, show me what it does. And he goes like this, and he goes like this and he goes like see you don't snore quite as much you know could we use that to reduce the noise of uh sort of the engine on a f-18 uh hornet striker or or could maybe uh maybe could we use that you know instead of like

a like a guantanamo bay kind of situation, when you're trying to completely sensory deprive somebody, sometimes they've got a roommate who snores. Take that away from them. Even that. Even the snoring. Once again, you see there is nothing that you can possess that we cannot take away, for we are the American military. Maybe you could just see him going through a physics department. Even the gift of irritation. There's nothing that we can't hurt you with.

He goes through a physics department. He's just looking over everybody's shoulder and what do you know. And then he's like, oh, this is like I'm just working on a new air pump. He goes, oh yeah. Can you use that to hurt anybody? I think it's funny if it's like maybe a father and son

working away in the shed and they've just invented some shitty little invention and the military comes in, busts down the door and they say we're interested. We're here here we're going to take all of this and so could it be like could it be like one of those lame um is it like a back pillow it's like an old man who's invented like he's just cut a bit of foam into kind of a triangle

it's quite we're buying this put your body's back when he's in the car in the potty oh here's what we're gonna do right we're gonna give it to all the enemies right we're gonna this he puts it behind his back when he's in the car in the potty here's what we're going to do we're going to give it to all the enemies we're going to go out let's say we're in

Afghanistan we're going to drop that and then the Afghani people will use it and become dependent on it

we'll take it away each every one of them it's going to have a self-destruct system it's going to decay after three months it's going to have a it's going to have a self-destruct system it's going to it's going to decay after after three months it's going to crumble to nothing the foam won't kind of have that spring back that it used to have you know and uh you know it's like when

nestle or one of those like um formula baby formula companies like went into africa and was like hey you guys should try this baby formula and like they tried it on their kids and then their boobs dried up and then they like couldn't afford to get the the baby formula they'll be like that but with pillars yeah with pillars with back pillars back pillars and then nobody will have any lumbar support they'll be used to then they'll have we'll use rocks and then they'll i love this right old man cuts a bit of foam the right size for his back it's so comfortable right he's he's there he's he's he's telling june about it his neighbor all right she's 80 she's been having trouble she talks to her son yes who works in the military yes exactly he informs the uh the pentagon we up the Pentagon. We got a new...

We got a live one here. Yeah, we got a new invention. Yeah. They bust it down. June's there with Doug, right? They take one. They whip it out from under June. They say, you never saw this.

You didn't do this. You never saw it. This never existed. Forget you ever saw this. June's got dementia. She's going to forget it anyway. Yeah. You never existed. They take they take them they roll them in a carpet they put them in a vat of acid then they give the afghan people one week of the best sitting comfort the best lumbar support three weeks later drops all over you know from the aerial yeah then three weeks later

that foam loses its spring back those people have never been more depressed america goes back into afghanistan yeah with with truckloads of these things the taliban don't have a chance yeah it's a it's it's hearts and minds and lower backs and lower backs i mean that's how you establish a democracy you don't just go in and take it topple the statues come on you need pillars pillars the pillars of society what are the think of the pillars of society you got the the truth, justice, and pillars You've got bed pillars You've got throw pillars Those strange boomerang shaped pillars

Big in the 90s Those real big thick ones for pregnant ladies They put between their legs when they're trying to sleep Is that a thing? Yeah, because I think at one point you can no longer roll onto your front You know And without that, what have you got? Yeah, because I think at one point you can no longer roll onto your front, you know. And without that, what have you got?

Well, I mean, you've got nothing. Might as well jam a pillow between your legs. There's nothing. Yeah, I guess I don't know. Forget it. I can understand a guy needing a pillow between his legs because, you know, like in a needy sort of leg room. Mate, I can understand it too. As a man, I can bloody understand anything that a man relates to.

Have you known people who've needed to have one of those in between the leg pillars to sleep because i don't know i think i think it was mostly like a paranoia that he was crushing ball i just like the way i said that you know a guy who was paranoid he was crushing ball he was crushing his balls while he and so couldn't sleep without a pillow between his legs. I think maybe because his girlfriend's dad told him that he did it. That he'd crushed his ball. No, I don't think he crushed the ball, but that he used the pillow.

He used the in-between leg pillow to sleep. And then he just realized, this is what I gotta do. I can't crush ball every night. But was the girlfriend's dad i mean he the girlfriend's dad had produced the girlfriend so he was doing something right yeah well who knows he might have prepped how many other girlfriends had he produced you don't know you don't know i think he'd produce two men as well yeah which might have been why I started. Maybe that's a result of crushing ball. I don't know. Anyway, I'm just...

I don't know. Look, I don't know if there's a sketch in there, but it's these weird things that people are paranoid about where it's just a very normal thing that you do that you wouldn't have thought that there's anything to worry about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you can just add a paranoia to somebody like you sow the seeds don't you um yeah it's a bit of seed sowing it's a bit of seed sowing is it a special pillow you just use a regular pillow i just use i think maybe he found out about the pillow when sorry

pillow i was saying pillow i know i probably sounded like an idiot. He found out about the pillow. I feel bad for you, but I'm glad that you corrected yourself. I think he found out about it because he had the family stay over, like the parents stay over at their house, and they gave up their bed for it. And then he found out that his pillow was used as the in-between pillow, as the leg pillow. And he goes, all right, well, now I've got to get a new pillow.

But then maybe I can use the one that used to be my pillow that is now a leg pillow as my leg pillar. And he goes, alright, well now I've got to get a new pillar but then maybe I can use the one that used to be my pillar that is now a leg pillar as my leg pillar. I'm not putting my head on a pillar that's been between my girlfriend's father's legs, but I will put that pillar between my legs. And to protect

my pillars. Of society. Anyway, I don't think there's a sketch in that i think i think i think the there's something in the seeds of doubt all right i like a guy who's very susceptible to the seeds of doubt oh yeah right people make little suggestions and he's he laughs it off right but then you just see it slowly niggling at him. Yeah, niggles and grows. Niggles. Yeah, because I mean, like, once you have a bit more time to think about it, you go, well, logically, I mean, the balls hang. You know, they're supposed to hang free.

Yeah, down. Down. When you're on your side, you've got your legs closed. I mean, that's just going against the whole design of the bag. Yeah. The whole bag is there to dangle. It's to hang, to dangle. To dangle, you know, in the cool breeze.

I mean, I'm overheating my balls, crushing ball. I'm not going to be able to have any daughters. But you could also see this guy in other situations, you know, other things that niggle. Like? I mean... I mean, look, this is almost more like a... It's more like a character in a sitcom or something.

You know, just that kind of... Okay, so here's the thing that niggles with me. I'm going to be honest with you. Thank you very much. I appreciate it, finally. When I go to the toilet to do it, number two. This is going to be honest with you thank you very much appreciate it finally i uh when i go to the toilet to do it number two yeah this is going to be gross when i go to the toilet to do a number two right oh i've realized what i've started on here okay go to the toilet do number two you always do number one at the same time right yeah sorry i'll be more i don't know if people are understanding when you do a shit you piss at the same time, right?

Yeah, great. But I'm never confident that I've done enough piss. So after I've finished on the toilet, I always have to stand up and turn around and do another piss. Really? Yeah. Wow. Just to make sure I've got everything out.

Wow. I always feel like sometimes I pee too much. Are you serious? Yeah, like, I often go, like, I think, I'm like, oh, I feel like I must be just draining liquids that aren't there, because sometimes, you know, it's just like, this thing comes, like, three minutes into it, and you're like, where did that come from?

That was probably not supposed to go. That was probably my emergency supply. That was probably, yeah, like... I'd left the door open, the bloody horse is bolted. That was like, you know,. That was probably my emergency supply. That was probably, yeah. I'd left the door open, the bloody horse is bolted. That was like, you know, that was like probably like my camel's hump worth of liquid. Yeah. You know, that I kept it. Or maybe it's stomach acids coming out now.

Sometimes it starts to burn a bit. Yeah, it's like in your... Do you ever get burning? I mean, occasionally I've had burning, but it's usually a dehydration thing. I think the burning. But I mean, like once I, like, you know, the first pee doesn't burn. There's a little something hanging around. Yeah, a little bit comes later on,

like when you pee too much, it's during the too much pee. I guess you don't experience that. I don't think so. I mean, maybe you're peeing out stomach acid, Al. Do you think it could be, you know the fluid that comes out in female ejaculation? Do you think guys maybe have that and it comes out three minutes into a...

It does feel good, you know, up to that point. That's true, except for the burning. Except for the burning. That doesn't feel good. See, you could be, you know, people lord medical breakthroughs. Everyone's very excited By a medical breakthrough But for there to be

I mean we're running out of Problems Right So for there to be Medical breakthroughs You need to have People who are having Breakthroughs with problems

You've got to have new problems New problems to break through I mean soon there's not going to be Any problems to solve Because what are you breaking through Right If not a wall Right

You need to be You guys are finding new walls Erecting new walls i mean you could you there the man who pisses out his stomach acid you you could be the next lou gehrig's disease that would be very exciting to have my name put to something yeah alistair trombley birchall syndrome the three minute into a poo bernie p well i think that's why they call it alistair trombley birch alistair george william trombley birchall syndrome i think that's why they call it Alistair George William Trombley-Birchall Syndrome. I mean, that's funny.

That's a funny sketch idea that somebody goes to a doctor with something really weird like that. Yeah. And then... And the doctor's really excited. He doesn't want him to tell any other doctors about it because this could be big. And then he goes... Have you seen anyone else? This could be named after you.

I'm willing to put you on a retainer. And it makes the news. And so now he is known as the three-minute-into-a-poo-Bernie-pee guy. It's, you know, it's like it's not quite a syndrome. It's just something that happens if you poo for three minutes plus. Yeah. Or you're pushing the body to new frontiers. To new frontiers.

I guess maybe most people haven't sat there for that long. It feels like it's not that long. Do you think there could be a Nobel Prize in medicine for this? You know, what does the patient get when the doctor gets, you know, like, when he gets a Nobel Prize for discovering something in your body? Oh, God, what? I get nothing. Oh, what? Oh, good on you, doc. What, you just wrote down what I told you?

I don't know. Yeah, I described my symptoms. You wrote them down particularly lucidly. I think you probably have to come up with a cure in order to... You can't just discover something? I don't think you could just be like, look at this weird bulge. Look, I don't feel this is 100% a sketch,

but I think it maybe is. I think it is. It's a doctor sketch. It's a doctor sketch. Guy goes in. Or girl goes in. Has something weird. Weird. Right?

Question. Yep. The doctor gets very excited because this could be a breakthrough. All right. I might get tenure. Is that a thing? Tenure. Do you think maybe it's a research hospital?

I don't know. I think I've never heard of tenure in Australia. Okay. I think it could be an American and British phenomenon. Maybe nobody in Australia has achieved tenure. Nobody's good enough. Nobody's good enough to get tenure here. Oh, no. You can get tenure. Nobody's good enough. Nobody's good enough to get tenure here. Oh no, you can get tenure.

It's very possible. It's an untenable country. What does tenable mean? Does that mean something? Tenable. Untenable? Untenable. Absolutely that means something.

Alistair. I just don't know what it means. Well, tenable. No, but you've got it, right? Tenable is something that can be achieved. Untenable, something that cannot be achieved. The end. The, uh...

I think... I've only got weird, stupid pun observations at this point. Ten years sounds like ten years. Ten years. I think originally it was probably just you've been here for ten years. Ten years. Well done, you've been here for ten years. You've got ten years.

You haven't got ten years. Congratulations. Look, I apologise that I'm... You're looking at your telephone. I know, but I just... There's a part of me that... I felt a vibration, and it was under my leg, so it couldn't make a noise,

but now it's not even lighting up. And I was like, oh, it could be about the baby. It could be about the baby. Is that always in the back of your mind now? It could be even in the side of my mind. It could be anywhere. The front. The top. The front. I think now. The top.

The bottom. Could be, I could be living completely in the present, but. Do you think that last time we did a podcast, you probably didn't even have a baby? No, I was way pre-baby, I think. Yeah. It's been a long time. Yeah, but we're back, guys. We're back in a big way.

Oh, my goodness. I mean, that is until you go away. You know, that is until you go away. You know, that is... But, you know... Is that... It's still recording. Okay. God, sorry.

Look, this is God. Alistair. I mean, all it took was a vibration. It took a vibration, and then I couldn't... You know, I couldn't even get the fucking thing back in action. You know, once upon a time, a vibration... All that meant was an earthquake. It was just like, secure the crockery, get under a door.

Maybe like a loose screw on a cymbal. A loose screw, is that a drumming reference? Yeah, or like you might get a vibration from a snare. You know when somebody's playing on a stage that loads of bands are playing on. You might get a vibration from a snare. Somebody's playing on a stage that loads of bands are playing on, but the guy's just playing an acoustic set, and then there's still a drum kit back there. There's a snare in the background. Somebody's snare.

You've got to release that bit from the snare, because it's going... Sometimes it meant that as well, vibration. It must be intimidating, I reckon, to perform an acoustic set in front of a drum kit. It's like doing karate while someone's pointing a gun at you. Like doing an acoustic set in front of some amps? Yeah, yeah. You're being loomed over

by a superior force possibly oh no wait i was about to say possibly the new york's fine strongest was that was that in this podcast i have i have no recollection i think i think it may not have been in this podcast might have been an earlier conversation that I was trying to call back to. Yeah. It's interesting to call back to something that never happened. Yeah. It's almost just like a thought. It's calling to the present.

It's calling, indeed. Without the power. Did you ever read the book The Call of the Wild? You know what? I keep thinking about it because... Really? Are you serious? Yeah.

Because I last... Maybe last year or the year before, I read roughly three quarters of it. Really? Yeah. The Call of the Wild. The Call of the Wild. It was a red book. And so it must have been like the old version of Penguin Classics.

They made it completely red with gold writing on it. Oh, nice. Because I just saw another version of that same kind of cover and writing on another book in an op shop just the other day. And I was like, oh, that must have been like a series. A series of a sort. And so it's a whole book about a dog. Yeah.

From the point of view of a dog. It's a dog book. You're sitting there, you're like, I don't know what I can write about. Not much happens in my life. Yeah. But I imagine if I was a dog... I can imagine probably things that happen to dogs.

Well, and the crazy thing is... There probably was a time when people thought, look, there's nothing more we can do with literature. The human soul, it's reached its limits. We've discovered everything there is. Thomas Hardy wrote Far From the Madding Crowd. We're done. We're done.

The human condition has been described accurately. It's as mapped as the Pacific Ocean. The Pacific Ocean, which we've seen roughly half of. Have we not seen the whole of the Pacific Ocean? No, well, maybe at the time. Oh, back in the time. I was talking about at the time. Of course, yeah.

Well, I didn't realise there was a period piece you were doing. Now we've got to get out of this human frame. What if we explored the dog's soul? Dog, the dog. There's got to be at least another 500 years of literature in the soul of the dog. And then we'll move to seagulls, obviously. There's that one seagull.

Jonathan Livingston's Seagull. There's that song in the Beavis and Butthead movie about the lesbian seagull. Plumbing that particular drain. And then, you know, look, who knows? Life of Pi probably talks about a book, I mean, a tiger at some point. Probably does. Probably. Do rocks have souls? I might... Life of Pi probably talks about a book, I mean, a tiger at some point. Probably does. Probably. Do rocks have souls?

I might explore that. There's another 500 years of literature. Don't worry. Don't worry. We're just doing humans first. We'll get that done, and then we'll move on. Yeah.

And so... Did you like the book? I was enjoying it, yeah. It was quite cool with the power struggle, you know, like it was about... Yeah, yeah, the wolfy power struggle. Yeah, with the ranking and the sort of the... He was like a big dog, but he was pulling a sleigh,

but with a lot of huskies and things like that. That's right, yes. Yeah, and so then... The man dies. Oh, maybe I didn't get to that part. Oh, he drowns in a puddle. Really? From recollection. Yeah, right. He drowns in a puddle. Really? From recollection.

Yeah, right. He drowns in a puddle that's like two inches deep. Don't know how it happens. You know my dad... He's unconscious or something. My dad stopped drinking after, I think the age of... This is the story I've heard years ago. He stopped drinking after the age of 16 because he had...

He was worried he would drown in a glass of beer. No, because he... And that is crushed ball. No, I think he got really drunk and then almost drowned in a puddle. This might not be true. I don't know. But I think when he was 16, he almost drowned in a puddle when he was drunk. That's awful.

Yeah, and so then he doesn't... But maybe all that had happened is that he had read Call of the Wild You know, so is it true that Is it Jimi Hendrix or James Morrison drowned in their own vomit? Yeah, I think so One of those two? Yeah, I think Maybe both?

Both, probably Was it that they both drowned in Jimi Hendrix's vomit? Yeah, I can't remember one Or did they get to drown in their own vomit i mean you i guess that when when you reach that level you probably get to because there's something it's i don't know if they ever collaborated like that is is that one of the only ways that you can sort of die in a totally self-contained way you know like like yeah you know because you can have a heart attack

and that sort of thing, but that's sort of natural causes, but like, yeah, it's, you, you, you do have it within you.

Yeah. In a sense. Well, completely within you, the vomit, is that what you mean? yeah, yeah,

yeah. And, and it was once outside of you, because like only, that's true. An hour ago, it, it had been like a,

yeah, you know, it was like a stew. I wonder what he ate. Like what was in the vomit. Because there would have been like a last taste. That's really awful to think about. But I guess at that point, in order to choke on your own vomit, you have to be so out.

Yes, indeed. That you don't even... You're probably not tasting. You're probably not enjoying it very much. Yeah. Have you ever got to that point where you... The last vomit, to be honest, probably contained a lot of alcohol. It was probably just a lot of...

A lot of alcohol and stomach acids. Yeah. Yeah. Look, it's pretty dark. It's pretty dark. Look, it's pretty dark. It's pretty dark. Well, when the baby is very new,

you constantly worry about, first of all, a lot of mucus that comes out of their throat. Yes. Because they've got mucus in them and stuff like that. Well, are they permeated by mucus? Because they were in the... Yeah, they were completely in mucus. So I think when the baby comes out vaginally, being in that tube... Sort of squeezes some out.

Squeezes a lot of that. The birth canal. The birth canal, yeah. But then... But I think they still do have some mucus that comes out. And so then in the really... Like, I remember the first day he was born, like, it sounded like he was choking. Oh, God.

You know, and you're just like, panic, panic. But you're still in the hospital. So, like, I remember kind of like, essentially running with him to the front desk because the nurse couldn't come fast enough to the front desk well this is just reception whatever the you know sign you in give you a mint yeah and then we'll get a nurse to come and get you but to be honest this is going to be a 45 minute wait. No, but then they're like, oh, look, he's breathing now. And you go,

that was pretty scary. Could you have told us that this can happen? They can handle this. But yeah, that's real spooky. And that's kind of like a version of spewing in your own mouth. Anyway, look, I don't know if the spewing in your own mouth is going to lead to... You don't think there's comedy in that? I mean... If only there was a positive thing the spewing in your own mouth is going to lead to... You don't think there's comedy in that? I mean...

If only there was a positive thing that spewing in your own mouth could achieve. Like, you know, in the same way that, like, let's say the guy who created dynamite. That was actually Alfred Nobel. Alfred Nobel, yeah. Yes, the originator of the Nobel Prize. But initially it was created to Help with mining And things like that I believe But then it was used

For evil It was weaponised That's right He invented it He showed up and said Alfred You've got to forget everything about this We've got to take this We've got to give this to everyone in Afghanistan.

Then we're going to take it away. They won't be able to blow up anything. They won't have any lumbar support. They'll put little sticks of dynamite behind their back or sit in their office chairs. Anyway, but then it was used for good. And so in a way, I guess that's kind of what vomiting is. Vomiting is getting bad stuff out of your body body but then when it clogs up your air hole it's used for evil

such as killing james morrison yeah like you know so in a way you know your body vomiting and then you choking on that vomit is being killed by the very thing that's trying to keep you alive. Yeah. It's really sad. Yeah, you're right. There is no comedy in it. I mean, death is, you know, it can be funny, but I think there's something about choking on vomit that

Not that I think that Morrison or Hendrix's... Maybe Hendrix's death is more tragic than some other people. I don't think Morrison's is that much more. It feels like he was headed that way. I mean, you're probably right. Did you ever have a Doors moment where you loved the Doors and then you went,

Oh, no, wait. The Doors are shit. I don't know. I don't think I've had either of those moments, to be honest. Did you go through a phase? I had a moment where somebody told me that they hated Jim Morrison's poetry. And then, like, and I still like The Doors, but I started to really hate Jim Morrison,

and I can't like him anymore. There was something I think I saw through, and I realized, you're just a fucking wank. But I don't know. Then I guess maybe I could turn around again, and I can go, hey, you're just a human trying to be loved as well.

Well, indeed. I mean, we're all a bit of a wank. That's true. I do nice things, but part of me is always just either hoping to be thanked or trying to just be better than other people. Yeah. Like which people in particular? Oh, you, Alistair. I mean, I don't have to generalize. No. I could be quite specific. Yeah. Yeah. Like, which people in particular? Jim Morrison. Or you, Alistair. I mean, I don't have to generalize.

No. I could be quite specific. Yeah, great. I'm always just trying to be better than you. One day, Andy. One day. No. Yeah.

But look, you know what? Maybe, look, it's probably been roughly seven to ten years since I turned around on Jim Morrison, so maybe I'm due for a turnaround again. Turnaround. I think maybe I just need to listen to This Is The End again. I'm trying to remember any Doors songs. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know the notes, so...

So it starts with like a... Oh, it's going to make it hard. Is that just one song, This Is The End? Yeah, This Is The End. So it's a good song. I don't remember. I don't know how any of the notes go. Think of it as a bass.

It sounds a little bit like this without the notes. Let's just try and approximate it. You do the bass and I'll do the high notes. Okay, no. Well, look. I'll try and do it. And then you try and do a version of what I did. Okay, great.

Great. So, okay. It goes like this. He goes. Like that. And so that's the end. That is, this is the end. Yeah.

All right, look, we're still only on three sketches. Definitely on three sketches. I think that was good. I enjoyed that. It's quality content. What is, I mean, what is, I think sometimes was good. I enjoyed that. It's quality content. What is... I mean, what is... I think sometimes people wonder what would This Is The End be like

if you took all the musicality out of it and did an impressionist version. Yeah. If you did an impression of a person... If a person who can't do music and has never heard The End did an impression of someone who can do music and has heard The End but can't... This Is The End. Doesn't even know the end. Did an impression of someone who can do music and has heard the end.

This is the end. This is the end. Doesn't even know the name. But can't really remember it. You know, I think... See, there's... You know, when you do a cover of a song, there's only a few different ways you can approach it, right?

You can try and do it, you know, you can try and do a faithful version, right? Very true to the original spirit. You can try and do it, you know, you can try and do a faithful version, right? Very true to the original spirit. You can try and do like a reinterpretation. So you can do like a, was it Ryan, what's his name, who did the, you know, Taylor Swift's 1989, did it all sort of, Ryan Adams, try and did it all folky, you know,

took a pop song, pop album, did it all folk style. Yeah. You know, what about sort of trying to do a cover without actually having the song right yeah i think look i think that's good like this is what i think it would have sounded yeah yeah yeah yeah this is okay so like for example do you i mean do you pick a band that you like or do you pick a band that you don't like? I mean, both of them are different sort of alternatives. You can pick a band where you've only heard the name of the band. Like The Hives.

Yeah. Great. I couldn't tell you any of their music. But this is how I think a Hive song would go. All right. Okay. Yeah, I think that's great. And I think that might even be something.

Okay. You know, like, Triple J is like a version, but when you come in and you do a song you haven't heard. So do you think we've created a radio segment? Yeah, yeah. Okay. So do you think we've created a radio segment? Yeah, yeah Okay

Cover a song from a band you've never heard You've never heard You might have maybe heard the band Maybe And look, I'm sure this has probably been done on the radio It's like, say Radiohead's going to bring out a new album There's a lot of buzz You know, and look, I'm sure this has probably been done on the radio. It's like, you know, say Radiohead's going to bring out a new album. There's a lot of buzz.

A lot of buzz. Nothing's been released, no leaks yet, right? Well, we haven't heard it. What we're going to do is we're just going to have a crack. What we think it might be. Obviously, we won't get us to do it. We'll get someone with... You know, I mean, you could do it with instruments. Yeah. get us to do it We'll get someone with You know I mean you could do it with instruments Yeah

You could even do it with instruments Alistair I mean that's the beauty of it Is that you could actually create a whole album Based off of what you thought Bob Dylan's new album was going to be If you could beat Radiohead to market With Radiohead's next album, I mean, think about it.

I'm currently thinking about it a lot. People are always trying to get a jump on these guys. Apple, maybe they've got a new feature on the new iPhone. Samsung's going to want to get that out. They don't know what the feature is, so they add five new features. Yeah, yeah. So they go. All right.

We know they've got a big announcement. It's going to going to be big apparently it's going to revolutionize the phone all right we got to think about a few things that we can revolutionize the phone with that will beat them to it all right okay uh a handle a handle great so on the side so you can carry it like a bag oh great uh and then and it stretches out and and and it acts as it acts also like a like a selfie stick yeah yeah the selfie stick's part of the phone right uh you uh you people a lot of people take photographs of themselves in mirrors right what if um the phone came with a mirror great the phone is itself a mirror is it is itself a mirror back is a mirror the back's a mirror so that you can look at yourself.

That's actually a really good idea. Yeah, that's actually good. But then you can also just turn on the camera with the camera facing at you. But why wouldn't they just have a functional backside? Yeah, yeah, whatever. A functional backside. The phone's got a really sharp edge on it so you can use it to scrape things off the pavement. Yeah, or you could like a bottle opener on it.

Yeah. Okay, put Swiss Army knives out of business. Yes. Well, we've already put cameras out of business, right? Or you could Like a bottle opener on it Yeah Okay Put Swiss Army Knives Out of business Yes Well we've already put Cameras out of business We've put cameras

Kodak's gone Watches They're on the ropes Swatch Forget about it Fuck you Swatch Yes Fitbit

That'll probably only last A couple of years No I just lost mine today And that's only new You lost You serious lost it Yeah I lost mine today You lost your Fitbit

Yeah I think I had it on my wrist and then when I dropped off the boy at daycare today, just when I got home, it was gone. Wow. I think I got pickpocketed. You know,

one of those, one of those French guys on the street that switch, but anyway. Well, I, look, I hope you're still getting his stats.

I hope he's very active. One of those, one of those French guys on the street? You know, in France, they got a lot of really, like, you know, really people who are, like, you know, good with sleight of hand. And they can take your watch off without you noticing. Sounds like a good skill. Well, you can feel like watches. I mean, they're essentially useless now.

They're doing you a favor. Yeah, I mean, Swatch is going out of business, which might bring the price of watches up. Are Swatch actually going out of business? I don't know. Yeah. I know a guy who writes. His job is to write about luxury watches.

That's his whole job. But he's just a guy like you and me who just wanted to make some coin doing some writing. Yeah. Sometimes, right? And then got this job, got to keep a baby alive. He's got to keep a baby alive. You got to keep a baby alive.

You got to do what you got to do. It's about luxury watches. He wears them sometimes. He's like, this one, 16 grand. Like that. And that's not even a super expensive one. Do you really have to wear the watch in order to How do you know what it feels like?

Can you just describe how it feels on your wrist? I mean it probably feels really good Probably I mean just knowing that you've got something that's worth more than the contents of your home But how good could something possibly feel on your wrist to overcome the nauseating feeling that you spent $16,000 on a watch? That's the thing. For some people, that's not even a bad feeling. It's probably a good feeling.

Absolutely. And really, I don't know if it's a feeling for them. I think it's a feeling. I mean, obviously, they get the feeling. But I think the feeling comes from if it's a feeling for them. I think it's a feeling... Like, I mean, obviously they get the feeling. But I think the feeling comes from other people seeing the watch on them. But then it's only going to be noticed by people who know these things about watches. Only the watch fans. Well, then you start hanging out with watch fans.

And they can probably afford watches of their own if they're that into watches. I guess that's why you go to luxury watch conventions. I guess that's why you go to luxury watch conventions. I guess that's why people write about luxury watches. There must be business in it that people are spending $16,000 on a luxury watch. Some people's whole lives are luxury to the point where it mustn't be luxury at all. Yeah. They have to go up a class size in order to like... A notch.

Go up a notch to get luxury. A watch notch. Proper luxury. Notchery. You know? Maybe like a watch that has like a phone built into it. I think... I guess they already have those.

The Apple. Those things suck so bad. Anyway. They suck real bad. I think, you know, look, trying to find a new feature for a phone is quite good. Trying to beat the other company to it. Trying to beat them to market. Here's a genuine one that I think is a thing that will revolutionize some of the phones,

is a built-in projector. Yeah? Oh, my God, absolutely. Once you can lay it on your back, on your bed, put your phone on your chest, and it just projects movies onto the roof, the ceiling, not onto the roof. That'd be crazy.

And not useful for you. Not useful at all. Entertaining for people in planes. Yeah, if you wanted to contact planes somehow. It'd be perfect if you were lost on a desert island, and you'd built a house. And you had your phone. Yeah, if you had your phone phone and there was battery charge left. Yes.

All right. So that. That is quite good though. Yeah. But then, yeah, especially if the release though. I mean, could the sketch be like the releases like we've taken away. Like they're trying to anticipate what iphone is going to do with the new model yeah and so they create all these like

revolutionary things and put it in their phone and then they release their phone and like like iphone releases its phone after they've spent all this money on r&d to make these things happen and then they find out what all that apple did was remove the headphone jack um i guess that's still a win for samsung yeah yeah no it still sounds like they've got a pretty amazing phone unless unless the innovations that they have put on there are a bottle bottle opener maybe like a like a little pocket that you could keep wet wipes in. I think a guy at Apple trying to pitch to Steve Jobs the secret to the thing. Or like... Just a really terrible Apple keynote would be funny.

You know, the new iPhone comes out and it's got a it's got a bottle opener i mean even that is kind of yeah that is quite funny because their their announcements have got more and more pathetic yeah over time because how are they going to revolutionize stuff as much as they did with the iphone yeah yeah. And so they go, iPhone 8, we're taking away the screen. iPhone 8, this is a horizontal phone.

It's a horizontal, you just, you look at the side of the phone, you hold the phone up in front of your eyes like you're that guy in Star Trek with the weird band in front of his eyes.

But no, I mean horizontal, like, like, the phones are always shown vertically but like just rotated 90 degrees that's the innovation oh yeah great totally they've done is turn it yeah and we've removed the feature where your phone like the screen turns when you yeah when you turn it there's a 90 degree shift in the way people perceive photos. This is a huge... This is a full 90 degree shift. This is a half 180. This is a full 180 and then another 270 degrees shift in the way we perceive the telephone.

It's a full 180 twist, then 90 degrees back. Back again. Just to say it another way for you. Another way. Anyway, that's it for this. You see, it's not one description. It's three descriptions. But they're all about one thing.

It's a phone on its side. It's a phone on its side. What we've done is we've taken the phone and we've turned it on its side. We're going to turn the whole phone industry on its end by turning the phone on its side. On its end. Side. Side. Side end.

On its end and then back a bit to the side. And then if we've overshot it, back again to the side. But we won't. We'll put it down on a table so we get it exactly right. Look, I think that we have the five sketches for today. We've got the five sketches. I like, yeah. Take us back through the Malastare.

Rick Moranis pitch, the Honey Eye series, we're pitching him new dimensions that can be changed, time, you know, changing it to just two dimensions. Weaponizing Man, you know changing it to just two dimensions weaponizing man you know he goes in some just dad and his son inventing a new foam triangle in the garage lumbar support

they flood Afghanistan with them then take it away then take it away of course then of course then take it away of course doctor sketch with weird question of phenomena this I didn't write this very good but Bernie P three minutes into a poo

the guy comes to the doctor to talk about that that's been happening and then the doctor says oh my he gets really excited he goes I think you may have discovered something new this might be like

you know there's not much left to find and then he gets are you going to refer me to a specialist hell I'm not telling anybody

about this I'm not referring you to anybody alright you're not leaving this office you're coming home with me

yeah I'm going to keep my eye on you and then there's a the radio segment that we came up with with which is a cover a song from a band you've never heard that maybe you hate or love yes and uh you just make it maybe even the whole album you know then let's look it's a great writing prompt yeah and if we had the ability we would definitely do that one don't worry yeah no absolutely today i was listening to a podcast about music compositions well then Yeah. And if we had the ability, we would definitely do that one. Don't worry.

Yeah, no, absolutely. Today I was listening to a podcast about music compositions. Well, then you're well on the way. Yeah, absolutely. I learned a bit about musical phrases. Anyway. One of those is turn up the amplifier. Yeah, good on you, buddy.

That was good. It was good. iPhone innovation is what I call this one, but it's kind of got to do with either two phone companies trying to compete or just a guy from the iPhone trying to just come up. It's either iPhone talks presentations.

What do you call them? Keynote. Keynote's great. I'm going to write Keynote. Or, you know, whatever. Bottle openers. Yeah. I mean, look, this...

I mean, all of these could go by. We made it sticky. This is the kind of... You can stick the phone to the window. It's like that gooey stuff that you used to get at... Like a sticky hand that you would get at the show. Yeah. Put that on the back

of the phone we've put little feet on it and you can wind it up and it jumps and it jumps down the like that and then it doesn't work on the keynote

yeah fuck like Steve when he Steve Jobs when he threw that camera or something he had some

it had a bit of a bit of a meltdown. Oh, no. Was that in a keynote? In a keynote. Oh, Steve, don't you know they filmed those? He didn't, actually. He didn't know they were being filmed.

Oh, really? Any of them. He didn't know anything was being filmed. He didn't know about cameras. Even though he threw one. I guess he didn't know it was a camera, so that's why he didn't care. That's why he was so angry.

Probably just thought it was a pebble. Yep. Funny shape rock. And he thought the crowd why he was so angry. Probably just thought it was a pebble. Yep. Funny-shaped rock. He shouted. And he thought the crowd of people was a lake. He's not a very switched-on guy. Ah, well. Ah, well.

Ah, well. No, because, you know, today I just tried to start writing a bit about how I heard a kid say that old classic line, which is, you know, well, if blah blah is so good, then why is he dead? You heard a kid say that? Well, no. I said that in the thing that I wrote. But really, it was me. I think that argument.

And I think it's actually a very good argument. Because I think it's like, well, if you couldn't make your life find a point by removing the one thing that makes your life pointless, which is the death at the end, you know, then I guess in a way you don't deserve to be considered good. I have no idea what you just said. That's cool. I think it's probably best. It's a good thought to end on. Yeah, I know. Absolutely.

It's a thinker. Do you ever listen to podcasts and you go, all these people sound so smart. All the stuff they say is so well thought out. I do that all the time. I, on the other hand, must say some of the stuff that so many people just furrow their brow at how the logic doesn't work

yeah anyway it's a good thought to end on it's a good thought to end on thank you so much thank you so much we're back and

talk to you later bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye Thanks for listening.

Thanks a lot.