Two In The Think Tank - 480 - "LIPS BEHIND THE TEETH"

Episode Date: June 13, 2025

Sketch Spreadsheet by Will Runt: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1e2HYV7-VcnAV08wyHA7OFbqh_UCnVDUheiNFiqxPX_Y/edit?usp=sharingThink Tank Institute: https://lookerstudio.google.com/s/kH2int_ZkuIPants Illustrated: https://www.instagram.com/pants.illustrated?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==Andy's appearance on "Unconventional Pathways" https://open.spotify.com/episode/13Vvnv8E0ws4mHOQV1JTLS?si=QbBr7oIySE-ESOYeruvScgAndy's appearance on Pitch Bleak on Youtube: https://youtu.be/grK7kSL_T2g?si=sVX-s1mhXx9ZhQDfThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Trombley-Burchall. Good day to you, Andy. Is that a sketch idea? Is there someone in that? Oh, what? Is it saying your name? B.E. Gallastair, George William Trouble A. Burchell said, are you a comic premise, would you say? Oh, I mean, sometimes I do say my name, my full length name and hope that people just laugh. I feel like that would be great if it was enough.

Sometimes it feels like people are on the edge. People are on the edge of laughing when they hear my name, but it's not quite enough. I mean, it's, but honestly you could, you could do a lot worse. And in terms of a name that has the potential to make people laugh just by hearing it, but that is a real human name somehow. I almost don't believe it myself. You know, you couldn't ask for much more. What species of name do you think it would be more suited to? As, than a human? Yeah, because you said,

I'm not sure it sounds like a real human name. I was just trying to see what kind of animal or creature or plant. No, that's not what I was saying. I wasn't trying to suggest that it would have it would be better as a different creature. Although let's say, I will say this, that if you were a dog or a cat and your name was Alastair George William Trombley virtual and you told people that they would laugh Yeah, I think it probably would be a funnier dog name Yeah, I think it would suit the name of a tree. Okay Okay, you know, yeah, well because the birch because the birch well, you know what I hadn't even considered the birch

I just think wow. Well, wait till you start considering the birch. Well, let me try. Yeah, but then it's birch all, you know? Sure. But I think also tromble might even be a reference to a type of tree as well. Yes. Yes, I did know this was part of your mythos that you... I mean, and this explains a lot about your desire to eat wood. Oh my gosh, you're right. You know, it's all in there. It's all in there. Yeah. Aspen trees typically refers to someone who lived in here, a group of Aspen trees. So it's

like Alastair Aspen tree birch tree. My last name is a forest. It's really my last name is just Alastair Forrest. And I wouldn't be surprised if your first name Alastair meant something like lives near a tree. Yeah yeah Alastair yeah it sounds like it could be there. Alastair lives near tree, tree tree. The least creative series of ancestors imaginable. What about this as a sketch? It's somebody who emerges from the woods and says, I know that you're all dreaming of running away and living in the woods, but I've just been in there for three years

and it's even worse in there. Oh no! Yeah, it's uh, you know, I thought it would be better. I mean, it's pretty much true, isn't it? Like that is, it's just a good summary of like, civilization is the worst place to live apart from all the others. Unfortunately, none of the alternatives are any better. Yeah, I keep looking at like, towns as digital and going into the woods as analogue. Right? Like straight lines log in there, straight line.

And and it I'm trying to find one with digital. Hang on. Digit. No, no, I was going to just try and go. No, it's got Al. No. Atal at Al. Fuck. I actually don't know what you're trying to do jit al it al I put the it al in digit al that would be a really good thing quip for you to make hmm after you've had your entire brain uploaded to the cloud.

Oh yeah. You'd be able to say that from within the computer. Yeah, I think that's good. But I don't know, what do you think would be the worst part of living in the woods? I think, I don't think people truly comprehend how hard it is to catch animals for food. I think it's an absolute nightmare. And whoever thought of keeping all the animals in a small cage so we can just hit them over the head with a bit of metal.

You think that that was a good idea? I don't, from the point of view of the animals, it's no good, but it definitely streamlines the process. But also, just imagine how hard the process was of finding animals that you could keep in a little cage. Yeah. Like you can almost hardly think of an animal that you can keep in a little enclosure. Right? Like, most of them you think, well, they're just going to jump. Like horses, it feels like they shouldn't be able to be enclosed. They probably can't just get out, right?

They need a run-up, I think, is the thing with horses. And if you keep it small enough, and they can't get a good run-up covered in a little circle in there. Yeah yeah like they can't barrel over a fence they can't no they I mean we have talked about horse parkour in the past but they're not able to do that kind of jump where they go off this wall of the stable then that wall of the stable then up into the air. Oh yeah the stable I'm just thinking of like an actual like a paddock. Oh yeah no I was thinking of a different thing but you're right oh yeah I was thinking the stables Alastair you're absolutely right they could jump over the fences of that paddock

they we train them to do that you know. We force them to jump over fences. That is one of the things that we are... Carrying extra weight. That we are... It almost is like we are putting them through the paces of training to escape the very thing that we keep them in. Yeah. When the horses do rise up and attack humanity, we are going to feel like such idiots for spending so much time teaching them to jump over fences. Oh man, do you think one day they'll just give each other the sign, like the signal, and then just all jump over all the fences? And then we'll be like, this is chaos, why did we teach them this? And we're also going to really regret, when they start kicking our heads in, we're gonna

really regret giving them those metal shoes. Oh no! Oh this is, it's like we were arming them like the, like Al-Qaeda or something like that. They're basically cyborgs. Yeah. They have a, if not a metallic exoskeleton then at least a metallic exo fingernail you know which is a step in the right direction. Do you think it'll happen when one day the Queen Horse just releases a scent? Oh no the Queen Horse! I hate to imagine what she looks like. I just picture it's a big bag with nipples on the back of it. You can't even see the horse's back legs and I think they're in there but they're kind of like drag. They're just dragging them. They're just there to support the big horse bag in the back. Yeah. Does she have a head?

Oh, she's got a head. Okay. Yeah. Good. But it's a swollen. It's a big head. Does she wheeze as she drags herself along? Yes. Horse weave. Yeah, great. And then does she, does she have a little hat, a little straw hat? I don't know why. I didn't picture a hat at first, but I can, I can try and make it. I mean I think she's got straw in her hair. Okay, yes. Good. Like big long mane but like that goes over the shoulders, you know? Long mane. Is that a Chinese food? Long mane? Yeah, it could be. Chao maneien? Long mien? Chow mien. Yeah.

Chow long bao? That was what I was thinking of. Yeah, I think mien, I think mien is just mien, which I think is just noodles. This is my guess. I know in like, Niu Rou Mien, I think it's like mien, I think is noodles. Yeah. You know that, you know I speak a little Mandarin, right? I would believe it. I would believe it. You remember I used to be with Chan and then I'd go to Taiwan and there was one point when I'd be in Taiwan, when I was in Taiwan and I lived there for like three months and I was doing Mandarin lessons for like two months at that time.

Wait, so you're not kidding me. You actually do speak a little Mandarin. Yeah. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah, that means please don't leave me. Is that what they taught you? No, no, I learned that from a podcast. Okay. And I also. I went to, I went to Mandarin lessons and I forced the tutors to teach me the phrase.

Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me. As always. It's all I'm interested in learning. Can you teach me that if you leave me, I'll kill myself? Well, how do I say that? That's a funny thing. That's it. That's a funny thing for a sketch, a guy who's in a foreign country living with his girlfriend. And he only wants a few key phrases and they're all just...

Oh my God. I, everybody does this. Nobody loves me. Thank you sir. Uh, can you teach me to say, I'm just an ickle wickle puppy? Who needs its mommy? Can you teach me to say that? Can you tell me I'm just a itty witty baby? Who needs a spanking?

Oh. I mean, it's fun as a, uh, guy who just wants that out of his tutorial thing. It's also fun as a phrase book, but that is specifically geared towards, yeah, guilty your girlfriend into not leaving you your Taiwanese girlfriend. And it's really thick. It's a really thick phrase. Specifically aimed towards white guys who have moved to Taiwan to be with their your Taiwanese girlfriend and it's really thick. It's a really thick phrase. Specifically aimed towards white guys who have moved

to Taiwan to be with their Taiwanese girlfriends. Yes. Okay, Garin, for your question. This is the hyper fragmented future that we're heading towards. There'll be a whole TV channel just for those people. Well, I mean, I mean i just you know if like if in japan they could have like a manga for each profession you know if they were able to support

such a small market you know or support themselves off of a small market in japan then clearly there must be a market for for guys like this yeah oh for sure yeah if you can have one for every profession you can have it one for every sad little man every type of sad little guy which in a way is every professional. There is a specific sadness to every every job we are forced to perform by the machine. Teach me that too. Yes. Yeah that's fun. Andy what's the most of another language that you know? Oh, Franceis. You know that I, well, you and I converse fluently in a bit of Franceis. I, you know, it's there in the background. It is atrophying, but it's the only one that I have any hope of grasping. And I can sing, you know, one song in German and I can count to 10.

And is it a Nazi one? I can count to 10 in Indonesian. I can count. I know the numbers from one to 10 but I don't, oh no sorry, I know 9 of the numbers from 1 to 10 but I don't know which one I don't know. So I've always thought I could count to 10 in Indonesian but then I discovered that there weren't enough numbers that I knew to count to 10 so there's one missing and that when you when you don't know which one it is it's almost makes all of the other ones redundant.

Yeah I guess that when you don't yeah you're right you've said everything you need to say. I can count to 10 I can count to 10 with a with a 10% margin of error is you know and I think accounting is not an exact science. I've always said this. I always think that that thing where it's like, where you can miscount, or where your brain can tell you that you're doing the right thing, but you're not.

I always find that is one of the huge flaws in all philosophy. Tell me more about that. Well, just like there's philosophy requires you to think and logic and all that kind of stuff, right? But there's no, there's always just that thing where you can be saying something and being sure that it's right, but it's just not. Right? Yeah. I mean, I think, isn't that what a lot of philosophy tries to reckon with though, like of, of not being able to trust your, um, your mind and... There's that, right? And then there's also the fact that even the process by which we, we like the best process that we have to

to try to get to truth through science, every time you say something it's still never a hundred percent right. Every time you describe something it's always off even if it's kind of right it's always essentially wrong. Right? Yes. By virtue of being unable to describe something completely and accurately. That's just not feasible. I don't know if there's any sketches in that. But just when we brought up the German thing before, if anybody's seen that clip from Succession, where the guy's interviewing another guy,

and he's asking him, based off of some rumor that he heard, he's asking the guy about whether or not he's read Mein Kampf. And the guy's like, yeah, a couple times. He's like, well, you didn't quite pick everything up on the first reading. The guy who's the actor who's being interviewed, who's the alleged Nazi, he's the guy who interviewed us for the podcast Podspotter. Yes, right. the guy who interviewed us for the podcast Podspotter. Yes, right.

And so he's an actor, but yeah, he's also hosted the podcast Podspotter and talked at length about the Toon the Think Tank podcast with us. I mean, that's, that's, that is basically as close as we've gotten to being in succession. Right. I mean, it's that's that is basically as close as we've gotten to being in succession. Well, I mean, it's pretty close. He was like, he was like, he loved the idea that we had had that thing about all the billionaires on the yacht. And and then the meal that they're having is the rarest meat of all Santa. I forgot this. Right. And he loved that. That's very funny. Okay. And that's in his head when, you know, when he's on succession.

Like that's, that idea is essentially in succession. It's been programmed into his, um, his back end. Yeah. It's physically in succession. They filmed his head and his head has that idea in it. It informs, it also informs his performance. On some level it's impossible for it not to. I am the product of all that I have met. You know, yes he said those words but on some level and on some percentage, we said those

words. We at least shaped the tone and the ways in which they it came out in some way. Yeah. So are we putting all of this on our IMDB or on a poster for our next comedy show? Yeah, I guess like yeah just I don't know which which category with you put it under director or writer Yeah, or actor but yeah, it's in there There should be a new Category for tangents also obviously this before there should be a new dictionary for full sentences That's kind of what a phrase book is. Mm-hmm Normally you only speak another language.

Yes, but they, but they, they go full sentences in that one, in the phrase book. And I think the problem is that they chickened out by not doing all the sentences. I mean, if you're in the, if you're in the dictionary business, right? And there's only like probably a, you know, a couple of hundred new words being possibly accepted in the dictionary every year. And you're like, how are we going to keep making money? I think starting to make full phrase, especially like those ones that are like dictionaries that are like volume one, volume two, volume three, that kind of stuff. They're not selling units like that like they used to, but I think once they get sentences in there and all the different ways you can interpret that sentence.

Yes, and then all, you know, then cross referencing all those sentences. The definition of those sentences will be made up of other sentences. This is, we've struck gold here, we're set for life with our sentence dictionary. Do you know how I kind of have a bit of a chip on my shoulder versus against dictionaries? You have a chip on your shoulder against a lot of things. I think you're quite anti-authoritarian. Yeah, I think so. I wonder where that comes from. But it occurred to me, I was like, I thought of it. I was like, so we, as the people, created the language,

right? We spoke it. We sometimes would be like, literally a guy would come up with a little turn of phrase. Sound. And then in a whole culture would be like, like, literally a guy would come up with a little turn of phrase, and then in a whole culture would be like, yeah, that's us. And then they'll all start using it, and they'll be like, yeah, that's a part of our identity, that guy's little poem that he did in a that he riffed in a sentence one time. Right? And then dictionaries, here's what shits me off about dictionaries. Dictionaries just wrote them down, attempting to be like, oh yeah, we will tell you what a word is, even though we told them what a word is. We told them all the words by using them. And then they're selling our words back to us, and then acting superior.

I'm sorry. But they have lost all credibility in my eyes. Yeah, I mean, that is a... it's the... you know, we talk about the oldest trick in the book. Well, this is the oldest book trick. the oldest trick in the book. Well, this is the oldest book Trick the oldest trick is the book Yeah, yes, the book is the bloody trick That would be a such a good thing to say if you were a new atheist Alistair Yeah, you say people talk about the oldest trick of the book Well, if you're talking about the Bible, the oldest trick is the book. Are you doing Christopher Hitchens? You know what?

I have absolutely no idea what I was doing. It was like Christopher Hitchens, but he has like a North American accent. Yeah, yeah. Thanks. I quite liked that voice. I don't know where it came from. And I might start doing it more often. Yeah, it was like posh me. Mmm.

It was like me, but I had my life together. Yeah, that's what posh people are. They've just got it. That's how they come across. Good on them. I just respect them so much. I love the posh. What is, like, at its core, what is poshness?

Right? I think it is, um, I and it's a version where you prioritize where your specific disconnection from reality prioritizes a type of presentation and a type of preservation of a, a image. That's a terrible, I don't know. But I think, I think the preservation of an image and I think of it like it is a preservation of a status and it is a separation from the other. Yeah.

You know that, that I think, think but but that keeps you above Even even when you're being nice you're sort of verbally Separating yourself into a certain extent, but then what what is that when you're when it's a type of branding, isn't it? It's like it's like you you know, but you have a tone of voice like that, it is, that is your sonic brand. Sonic branding is very big at the moment in advertising. And it's a, and it's a way of, yeah, it's a way of like stating that you're part of an in-group, I guess.

And is it almost like a sort of a verbal credit check or something like that? That like when you hear somebody talking this way, you are signalling, you're flashing your vows or whatever to other posh people who might be in the area and saying it's okay to invest with me because daddy has a lot of money and you know even if I do make mistakes, he will bail me out because daddy's doing rather well and so so, you know, you can't really can't go wrong when it comes to, you know, listening to my bullshit and, and failing to report my sexual crimes. If you know what I'm saying. Is it sort of like, and you know, I don't know if it's wrong to say this, but is it a bit like the gay voice where it's like, where, where, where

there's an element of it's just cultural and it's, it's to be accepted with a certain group and like, but there is a time that a lot of people would have known that person where they didn't speak so much like that. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think it's, I think it's very similar. It is in grouping and we probably all do it, Alistair. Of course we do. Yeah, yeah. The voice I do when I talk to the tradies, you know. Yeah, I mean I've heard you do that. Yeah, mate, yeah, we'll be around. Yeah, we'll, yeah, I'll see you around. See you after. Thanks. Thanks, mate. He's just saying me. And all I'm trying to do is I'm trying to tell the tradie,

look, I know what a pipe is. Okay, don't worry. I know what a pipe is. You don't have to worry. You'll have to explain what a pipe is to me. But also, don't think you can rip me off by trying to sell me a dodgy pipe or even a plank and tell me it's a pipe. I know a pipe when I see one. Yeah, I know a pipe. Don't try and tell me some string, tell me it's a pot.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, but that would be, how about this Andy? A string based, like a little bit of like thick sort of, you know, like kind of cottony rope based piping system. Oh, but it's hollow. No, no, no, it's not even hollow it's just soaked. Oh wow that's really interesting you know. Yeah and the water sort of like flows along it by sort of absorbancy. They just put it they just put it on the ground they put the rope on the ground. Wow I mean it might work for piss you could have you could potentially, you could have,

you don't think it would carry, it would eventually break down the shit and carry it away. I really worried that it wouldn't. And I think it's a, and I think we'd, and I also think the word eventually is not going to cut it. It's not going to cut it. So it's a guy. You're not gonna be able to sell a system eventually. That they're gonna have to try again. But he's showing them, he's like look at these glasses. He puts two glass next to each other and he puts a bit of rope between the two glasses of water. One glass of water and then into an empty glass and And then he sees the liquid does flow into the other glass. Yeah. He's all right.

Yeah. But put a piece of shit in there. Yeah. And he's like, well, look, you see some Brown is transferring into that. That'll eventually, we can only assume that eventually that shit will be in the other glass. Logically. I don't have time to show you the whole process

but you can see it's working its way over there. I mean what do you think about a system designed to improve the plumbing? Like say that plumbing gets overwhelmed by all the human shit and the government's response instead of making bigger pipes is to give everyone

permanent diarrhea. It's like, it's the, it's these, it's these solid shits are the problem. We literally can't afford to upgrade the system and we've done the maths on this and the system will work. We are going to be able to get another 50 years out of the existing plumbing if everyone has diarrhea.

So they just, they just put Gyardia into the water supply or something. The permanent diarrhea solution. Yeah, yeah. And that's just, you know, we've, yes, the economy will suffer from people always feeling bad and always running to the toilet. But Andy, Andy, have they almost achieved it? For some, for some it's working. That it turns out that you're talking about me. No, no, I'm just saying, like there's been points in my life where I, I have now had a solid shit for a long time. I'm so sorry everybody.

And, uh, I like the used nay in there though. Well, you know, you got to class it up a little bit and you gotta, I gotta get my, my sonic identity or whatever it is. Sonic branding, sonic branding. Um, Andy, you know what? I actually do feel like I have felt the feeling of some way about the way that I talk. And maybe this is not just, I think it partially is, it was an Australia thing, but I think it's also partial, partially. I, like, I remember when I used to work at the supermarket that I had a people, people who would say that I, like, I use big words and I did not ever see myself like that, but, and, and I felt like I've seen it in stand-up

when there was particular things that I would speak about that I could feel like I'm losing a part of the audience because of the way I speak and the topics that I choose. Yeah. And I think that there's probably an element in which I will sometimes shit on myself because that's universal. Oh, I thought it was going to cause you had diarrhea.

No. No. Okay. No, but I am part of the permanent diarrhea solution. That is, you think shitting on yourself is universal or disliking Alistair George William Trowblay virtual is universal or disliking Alistair George William Trowble virtual is universal? No, but like, like, like if you, if you just make fun of yourself, because I fear that my voice, that there would be a way in which it was making it sound like I'm putting myself above others because I'm using bigger words.

Yeah. Or because I'm talking about stuff like, like engineering or anything like that. Um, I would say that the higher concepts and things like that. I would worry that that made me feel like it made other people feel bad just because it sounded like I was putting myself above them because I'm talking about stuff that they wouldn't even think about. Well, I will say Alistair that this is the first time that I've actually thought about what your life must have been like as a person who was not born in this country and does not have this accent. It's the first time I've ever engaged my empathy with you. And the last as well, do not expect this to become a trend.

No, no, no, it won't. But I will say that probably that is something that you had to deal with because of your accent, right? Where if you had been talking just in an Australian accent, then I think because of the Australian inferiority complex, you probably are given less of a chance with that kind of thing. Like if you're talking about a concept that people don't understand right away, a lot of them, the audience might think, oh, he's from somewhere else,

he's talking about things we don't understand, he probably thinks he's better than us, or I feel bad for not understanding what he's talking about and that turns them off, right? Like that they, that the fear that you as somebody from somebody else, somewhere else, are threatening in that way. And there's an Australian, I was always very aware that there's an Australian thing that's a bit anti-American.

Mm. And... Sepos, we call them. Sepos. Septic takes the sepos. Actually, it was great recently, an American asked me if Australians had sort of slang for Americans that he might not know. And I got to say seppos and he was like, oh, that's good.

You know? Sepos, septic tanks, yanks. Yeah. Were you proud? Were you proud of that part of Australian culture when you were able to reveal that to make you feel? Um, yeah. Look, it made me feel very proud, Andy. Yeah. I got to use somebody else's turn of phrase and claim it as if it's from my culture. Claim it.

That's what we do. Did you, but did that ring true? What I was saying about that? Yeah. Yeah. There was always a, like a little bit of that. And like, so something like, often I would have to, yeah, like, you know, I can make Australian references to prove to people that I know stuff that you wouldn't know unless you've lived there for a long time. But you probably also have to dumb yourself down. You probably also have to dumb yourself down in some way. Yeah, I mean, I'm not that smart, but I'm... But I...

Even more though, even more. But it probably is also just the thing of like, choosing topics that people give a shit about. Yeah, you've been forced to do that. Yeah, whereas I can just do stuff that I want to talk about. Yeah. You know. Yeah. You've been forced to do that. Yeah. This is a real shame. Whereas I can just do stuff that I want to talk about. Which is whether or not you die when you go through a teleportation machine and you just get recreated. Now Andy, we probably need to come up with some more sketch ideas. Okay. Oh, God.

Shoes for your face. Shoes? And how would you use that? Like, so like, where do they lace up? So like, where do they lace up? Back of your head. It's a big foot thing in the middle of your face. And what it allows you to do is sort of walk along using your face as a leg and your two legs as another leg.

And you sort of squirm, your face as a leg and your two legs as another leg and you sort of squirm, I guess, a bit like a caterpillar. Or you get to put both of your feet into one big shoe. And then you put your head into another shoe. And then your whole body is just two legs. Just two legs. And you just live that leg life. Now I think you would start on your face, right? I'm a leg man!

Oh, you like a woman's legs, do you? No! I'm a leg guy. Yeah. You an ass man? No, I'm a leg man. No, okay, you would start on your two-legged one foot, right? Two-legged one foot sitting on a hot rock.

And then you would bring your face foot down, right? And I guess you would come from up pretty high. Yeah. And you would land it on the ground. Bring it down hard. Your neck, I guess, is now your ankle. Yeah. And you would land it on the ground. Your neck I guess is now your ankle. Yeah. But as the head hits the ground, ready to fall, I think you would knock yourself out immediately. Well yeah, maybe the first time. Maybe the first time you try legging. Yeah, I guess for some reason I'm thinking about I'm sprinting the first time you try a legging. Yeah. I guess for some reason I'm thinking about I'm sprinting

the first time. You're launching it to top speed. I mean, this is like people who, when, when we first invent the face shoe, um, we'll be like those people who invented the parachute and just left off the top of the Eiffel Tower. They're like, I've done it. I've invented, I drew a picture of it in my workshop. I cut it out of a piece of cloth. I've invented the parachute. Off I go. Straight off the top of the Eiffel Tower. No other phases of testing. That's us. With the face shoe. Immediately signs himself up for a 100 meter race.

And there's people, there's officials around. He's called Olympic officials. He's called Guinness. He's called all of them. All his family and friends, the news media, they're all there. Your door to big deals is on DoorDash right now. Sign up for DoorDash and enjoy a free Big Mac on your first McDonald's order of $20 or more. Only on DoorDash now until June 15th. Terms apply. Like that gun goes off. First step knocks himself out. I think it's a good theory because you can understand that you look at somebody running a hundred meters, right?

And you go, this is all about legs. It, all they need is the legs or the rest of their body is slowing them down. You'd look at it and you'd think that. Right. And you then you then the logical thing is like, well, you can't, uh, cut somebody's body in half and only have the legs because they won't work on their own. But what if we turn the whole body into legs? And, you know, the more percentage of your body that is leg is presumably the faster you will go. You could probably, if you were psychopathic, come to that conclusion and be like,

hey, I could probably win gold at the Paralympics if I was to remove my torso and arms, take all of my organs, stuff them into my butt cheeks. Oh, yeah, here we go. Probably lungs would go great. They would fit, they would go right over the crack, you know, right over that crack line fold on the inside and just fill up the buttock cheek. Anyway, I, no, no, but Alistair, this is, you know, I, I'm very excited about this. Lay your head upon the top of your crotch. Put your brain in your ball bag.

Okay. Yeah. Stretch it out. The brain goes in there. One eye at the end of the dick. Yeah. You know, one eyeball. That's all you need. One eye, all you get one eye taken out.

That's a good, that's a good point. And you would take your tongue out, but then you realize you need something to hold yourself up at the starting blocks. With your tongue. So your tongue, yeah. You couldn't do that with your dick eye? Use the eye itself to hold you up the empty space or side the building No, because you I've said you put an eye at the end of the dick you put it all sorry like a ball point pendant

Exactly right. Yes, you could have it if you if you if you're blessed with a foreskin you could have that over the eyeball While you're propping yourself up on the starting line. God has blessed my child with a foreskin. Thank you, Lord. That's really the opposite of how we normally treat foreskins. Ah, God hates this foreskin. God loves this child, except for his foreskin. Get it off. God has made us once again in his ugly image. Let's fix it. God, it would be good to know if God has a foreskin. It would be good to get up there and have a look. See. Maybe even touch it.

Resolve this. God, can I put my finger in it? can I run it around in there? see how much room there is? Alistair, yes, I the ultimate running body I mean but I was gonna say that this Olympics that this guy is this games what is it called the?

Enhanced games, you know Just sucks as a name I'm not gonna ever want to watch anything called the enhanced games that sucks But they're only as far as I'm aware focusing on drugs at the moment But I hope that in the future they also focus on extreme body modification and a guy with his lungs and his butt and his brain and his foreskin and one eyeball at the end of his dick and that's all he is. Then it's just a pair of legs. I mean I'd love to see him coming around the bend. Yeah.

I mean, do you think the head is just loose on top and it's kind of just been? Well, for me, I don't need the head to see in my version. He doesn't need the head because his brain's in his ball bag. Oh yeah. Okay. Also, that's why you were talking about the one of the eyes being in the dick. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I mean, maybe a roof eye would be good sort of like a top, you know, since it's, you know, you don't, it's not going to just be open flesh at the top anyway you know probably it's what you want we're gonna want to close it over with skin you could probably just put a

mouth there and an eye on top well what I don't know why you're putting an eye on top at this point that's just dead weight that's just slowing you down you only need to be able to look straight ahead okay yes but I will allow you a mouth on the top there on the top Yeah, what about an ear on the side of the hips on the two ears on the head? You got to be able to hear the gun. You can have one ear on the side that the Stardust pistol is Yeah, you don't yeah, you needs to be on the side. You can't be on the top or else rain will get in there Yeah, exactly. Yeah

What about a nostril so that you can smell the starting gun? The sweet smell of victory. You've got to be able to flare that, that one nostril and breathe deep of lady victories aroma. That's right. This is a suck it in fellas. This is such a horrible thing to imagine. But this is the future we want, you know.

This is the enhanced games taken to its logical conclusion. And then you would get like a... You know, if you could win that, you would probably get yourself a real hot babe. Of a wife or something. Oh, yes. You know? I can imagine she would, that she would be throwing herself at you. You know, sort of walking, but the thing is that women often love a guy who's taller than

them. Oh no. Yeah. And so then you would have to be able to find a gal that's pretty short. Sure. Or maybe she's just legs too, you know. Or maybe she's just torso and head. Oh, that wouldn't that be beautiful. My better half. There she is. Linda. You know, and then you guys could, and what's great is you could just, you could just pop her on top of you and walk. Exactly. You'd be her legs. Yeah.

There she is, she's on top of your ear or whatever, no, on top of your mouth. You can't really talk to her while you're walking. Oh, you'd love that. That would be so sexual for you, I imagine. For me, yes. I would find that very sexual Andy Well for the know for you the person in this situation Ellis there yes Hell yes, so that I'll be walking around with a big erection all the time Well allow you to see straight ahead you sort of need one. Otherwise, you're mostly looking at the ground. Yes, you're straight ahead. You sort of need one. Otherwise you're mostly looking at the ground. Yes. You need one. Well then I'll be looking at this. I'll be looking sort of roughly at the sky.

Ah, things are looking up you could say to your wife. Honey, things are looking up. Of course she doesn't hear me because my mouth is obviously right in her crotch. Maybe I'll put my mouth to the side a little bit. Just not to the side but like on the top but to the side a little bit so that she can shift her weight onto one side and then my mouth can just get a little bit of air. It'd be good to get maybe one nostril on one of the butt cheeks really close to the lungs. Yeah. So that, you know, there's two air pipes that are separate. And I'm not, if my mouth is blocked,

then I can still breathe. This is such a great idea. Yeah. Yeah, cause we're not just thinking about winning the race. Winning isn't everything. You know, you got to afterwards, you got to be able to live a beautiful full life. And with your beautiful half wife.

How am I gonna hold a mic? I guess I could just put the mic directly into my mouth and learn how to talk without moving my lips. Use a mic stand Alistair. What if I just put the lips inside the mouth? Oh, go on. You know, where the, where the, like, you know, where... Behind the teeth? Behind the teeth. You know, a little set of lips behind the teeth. so I can still say B's and T's and stuff like that but not but not be blocked by yeah by having like a half woman sitting on top of my legs. That's a great idea and then are you holding the microphone in the teeth? Oh God. We did it.

We did it. We're the scientists at the Australian Institute of Sport. We've created the perfect athlete. They call them up. They go, Nigel, Nigel, we figured it out. Well, we can organize the surgery tomorrow. You guys,el, we figured it out. Well, we can organize the surgery tomorrow. You guys, guys, you figured out here. How am I going to say B's and T's?

Well, T you can already say obviously, because you don't need that. Oh, so we'll keep the tongue. We're keeping the tongue, at least a half tongue. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. That's great. You say, Nigel, order a bigger trophy cabinet and get down here. Alright. Right now. I'll be roughly two to three hours as I figure out the best deal on a large trophy cabinet. Good. We'll get some sleep because we haven't we've been up for three weeks working on this and

And I want my hands to be steady for this. I want to get a couple of hours of sleep Yeah Before I think that will make me feel very refreshed before well,, this is my attitude to recording the podcast, Alistair. Hey. That's how you. This is how I feel. Yeah. Andy, should I go to three words from a listener?

That would be good for all concerned. Andy, today, I don't know if you know this, but people on Patreon can donate $3 and then they can suggest words from a listener. That's the word on the street. Yep. And that's right. Two of the words are from a listener and one of them is is one of the words on the street. Yeah. And today's listener Andy is Sev. Sev. Sev. S-E-V. Ah Sev. And Sev. I remember you well Sev. Sev is sent, it's almost the same word, Sev is sent. Three words. That's such a Trumpian music. Sorry we don't talk about him on the podcast. Oh no it's mostly just AI and we can talk about Trump. Even when you said it's mostly just AI and we can talk about Trump. Well, even when you said it's mostly just AI that sounded like Trump.

I know. It's mostly just AI. I'm starting to get his rhythm now. Yeah. So now, Savva sent in three words from a listener and hasn't mentioned which listener they're from, but we are ready to go through those words. Would you like to try to guess the first word? Okay, here we go. First word, weave. W-E Andy, you're really close.

You've got the word in it. Okay. It's we. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. That was really good. Yeah.

We, okay. I'm feeling so, I'm feeling so high. I've got such a buzz now yeah this is incredible we love Andy the second word is love oh my god Oh my god I'll say yeah, I feel incredible. Yeah We love oh My god, oh but the pressure is unbearable. I feel like

David Beckham when he had to take that penalty shot in the World Cup. Eunuch. Andy, the third word to unicycle. Are you serious? Yeah. So you were right on, you know, you, you guessed the concept very very accurately? No I didn't just guess the concept Alistair let's be clear I guessed basically two of the words. Well one of the words you you got it in there yeah even though you guessed it in a separate word you had a lot of you had a lot of garbage letters in there that were not a lot of junk DNA at the end of that word.

I think we should make an animal out of only the junk DNA. I would love for them to take out all the, all the non-junk DNA out of the human genome and put that into a frog egg, right? Put what it was left over into a frog egg and just see what like a junk human being is. And they do that and then you come out. Exactly. Junk D&I human. I mean, isn't that that's essentially what what the movie Twins was about.

Oh yeah, I guess so. All the junk DNA that wasn't used made Danny DeVito. That would have been great when they pitched that to Danny DeVito, right? Yeah. And they're like, and then you got this, like, all this science makes this really human. Your agent calls up. Yeah. Well, I got some good news and some bad news.

You're being offered a role in an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. A role that has your name written all over it. The role you were born to play. Is your name Julius? Well, is that really his name? Far out, Alastair. Julius, you are my brother! You know a lot of stuff, you're so wise.

Isn't that what he said? Yeah, I haven't seen the film. But I believe it. Alright, we love you. Gosh. I mean, first thing it makes me think of is like an entire group, you know, maybe an entire company, a corporation, all deciding to marry somebody, right? All taking on either a husband or a wife.

Like a corporation like Apple or something like that. A corporation. Yeah, if a corporation- Or like a funeral home. Oh, but it would be such a good idea for Apple, the corporation, to marry somebody so that they can put some of their money in her name to avoid tax. I don't know how that, I don't know. But I mean, what a great thing that would be. Well, they could split their tax bill. Yeah, that would be.

Exactly. And this woman, I'm sorry that it's a woman, it could be a man. But it's a woman and she's got one of those big like old timey, buffy skirts, you know, those ones that really go out like a dress. Like that. And a big part of their other tax avoided strategy is hiding money under there. They keep lobbying. I can put a lot of this money in my wife's name and a lot more in her butt. And they keep lobbying the government to make bigger and bigger sized bills. Right? They're like higher denomination. Yeah, we need a higher denomination of money. They go, why? You know, no reason, you

weirdo. Stop asking questions. But then I mean, because I always think about, I always think about Mrs. Jeff Bezos. I forget her name. I think she looks and seems so lovely. Yeah. And I'm not trying to marry her or anything. I'm not coming on to ex-Mrs. Jeff Bezos. But I do think that firstly, Jeff was so lucky. He was battening above his weight there.

Yeah. was doing, he was so lucky. He was batting above his weight there. And also, man, what a cool way to make fucking, I don't know how many billion dollars she's made. It's really great. Yeah, yeah, Mackenzie Scott. Mackenzie Scott. I have a feeling she helped him a tremendous amount in the building up of that company and probably didn't get credit. Yeah, probably. But also, I love how a divorce can do the most amount for wealth distribution in the

world. Isn't it incredible? I mean, it does feel like we should all now be trying to either marry Jeff Bezos or marry him. Like if you were really a socialist, if you really believed in wealth distribution, you would be getting plastic surgery to become attractive to Jeff Bezos and marrying him because, and then divorcing him. Yeah. Because that is the, at this point, it's the most socialist person,

a thing anybody could do. Yeah. I mean, I guess just, yeah, I mean, or, or Mackenzie Scott. These days, if Marks, if Carl Marks was alive today, that's what he would be doing. He would be shaving off that enormous beard and he would be getting lip filler and he would be trying to seduce Jeff Bezos. I think that would be a, I mean, I would love that. Like, so they bring him back. Yeah.

So they bring Karl Marx back so that they can see what he would do these days. He says, I want to seize the means of production and I want to kiss it on the lips. And so then he just goes to my hands all over the means of production's body. I want to please it. Can you imagine like it's Karl Marx. He looks exactly like in the photos. They bring him back. They explain to him what's happened. They let him browse a little bit on the internet and then he goes to like a beautician's and a plastic surgeon and he tries to get like done up really pretty. But he does just, like Carl Marx but with like makeup on and he goes to Bezos' sort of mansion, he's outside the gate,

he's like, you-hoo! And he goes, you-hoo! You-hoo! We both. I can't believe we both thought you-hoo for Carl Marx. No, it's a shame nobody says you-hoo when they're trying to be sexy anymore. Well that's why Tinder doesn't really work. It should be called Yoohoo.

That's a great name for. Or Aruga. Aruga. Or Humana Humana. Yeah. All right. Bring Carl. But Yoohoo Works. Yoohoo Works is a dating app name, because it's also like

who's out there for you, you who, you know, and also hello, that would be the, you'd send people a you who on the app. Um, this is nothing, but when you said Karl Marx before, it made me think of Karl Marx Zuckerberg. Oh, Oh, I would love that like a new for like, for Mark Zuckerberg to go through. And like, let's say a really left-wing government gets in into America. Let's just imagine there's going to be another government one day. And hypothetically.

And that he has to try and look back. And so now he has to change his image again to suck up to it. And so he starts trying to make himself look like Karl Marx. And he starts wearing like sort of, you know, sackier clothes, a bit more Hessian. he's wearing like sort of a caveman that's if a caveman government gets it oh yeah he's wearing a suit or whatever yeah yeah I thought it was like a Hessian suit Al said we got to wrap up the podcast but I'm just gonna write okay Zuck left-wing Karl Marx makeover oh yeah's exciting. I'm looking forward to, the thing is he's still so young, he's got so many back, you know, opportunistic political backflips left in his future. Absolutely. And we're gonna get to watch all of them and there's never been a man who's a more blank slate. That's right. On Twitch these. He should have been an actor. The guy has, you know, has no personality.

The least. Yeah. Literally just says lines that people have fed him. But I mean, I do like he starts, he shows up on to like the last podcast on the left and he's like dressed as like a Cuban revolutionary. Che Guevara. Yeah. All right. Today's, let me take you through the list. We got Guy who comes from forest and says, I know you all want to run to the forest, but

it's even worse in there. We got Guy in foreign country asking language tutor to teach him, please don't leave me, because he lives with his girlfriend. And anyway, it's stuff like that, really pathetic things. We got dictionary for full sentences. We got the permanent diarrhea solution. We got the face shoe for the for the two-legged body. We've got the ultimate running body with removed torso, just legs, brain and ball bag for the for the enhanced Olympics. We got the lips and that includes lips behind the teeth, but I think the lips behind the teeth is its own

idea. Okay. We got junk DNA human comes out as you. We got bring Karl Marx back and he tries to date Bezos. Yeah we got the Zuck left-wing makeover. We bloody did it. We did it Andy. A perfect episode. Yeah oh yes absolutely Andy. Shall we do the song Andy? Mm-hmm. Don't mess with my message. Don't mess with my message. Don't mess with my age. Don't message with my age. Don't message with my age. Don't mess with my message. Don't S with my uh. Don't S with my uh. I think that worked, Andy. Yeah, so good. Thank you so much for listening to In the Think Tank. Think Tank. You're the best. Yeah. It's the best yeah it's the best it's the best you do that thank you very much we're quickly charging towards that 500th episode in October most likely

terrifying maybe and did we agree that it was maybe gonna be the 18th and 19th weekend or we didn't quite we didn I think we did. But okay. And we love Unicycle. That's right. Bye. Bye. Your door to big deals is on DoorDash right now. Sign up for DoorDash and enjoy a free Big Mac on your first McDonald's order of $20 or more. Only on DoorDash now until June 15. Terms apply.