Two In The Think Tank - 482 - "HELPLINE HOTLINE"

Episode Date: June 29, 2025

Sketch Spreadsheet by Will Runt: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1e2HYV7-VcnAV08wyHA7OFbqh_UCnVDUheiNFiqxPX_Y/edit?usp=sharingThink Tank Institute: https://lookerstudio.google.com/s/kH2int_ZkuIPants Illustrated: https://www.instagram.com/pants.illustrated?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==Andy's appearance on "Unconventional Pathways" https://open.spotify.com/episode/13Vvnv8E0ws4mHOQV1JTLS?si=QbBr7oIySE-ESOYeruvScgAndy's appearance on Pitch Bleak on Youtube: https://youtu.be/grK7kSL_T2g?si=sVX-s1mhXx9ZhQDfThere's never been a better time to order Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shop.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to 2 in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with 5 sketch ideas. I am Andy and this is the sound of my voice. Alistair George William Trombley virtual. Andy what are you doing? I've been noticing a real slip in the amount of respect that I get on this show. Hey, you know what? You talk at the same time as me during the introduction. Yes, you're saying the same words, but I also find that insulting. Oh, do you?

And I don't think that's that different. No I'm just lashing out. I'm just defensive now. Yeah, you've got me on the back foot. Yeah, that's right I have three feet I have two front feet and then a third foot that I pulled my back foot It's just attached to the back of your one of your feet It's oh Yes, you know know that's right. I mean that would actually be helpful a foot that is like laying you know that's sort of back to back with one of your feet like that sort of Charlie's Angels style. Oh what a beautiful evocative description. That's right.

So is it sort of sexist and reinforcing patriarchal roles? Just that back foot is, yeah. Yeah, okay. Daddy Charlie. Hi Charlie. Is it in silhouette in front of an explosion? Yeah, it's no it's because it's just back to back, you know like they pose. Oh. That's what I meant. Yes, I know. I knew that, Alastair. Oh, well you don't make it clear what you do know, Andy. Sometimes you make it seem like you don't know.

Hmm, I guess so. You know how they say... I don't know why. You know how they say that like there's so much that we don't know? Yes. How do they say that like there's so much that we don't know. Yes. How do they know that? Yeah you're right. What if we actually are super close to knowing everything? Yeah. What if there's like only like two more things and they're really obvious and one day we're just gonna spot them. Like what if the dark matter is just like a bunch of just like really big rocks. Exactly it's just three big rocks out in the ocean. Really big in

the ocean. Wow imagine that. I mean you might think that once we discover that that's gonna raise more questions, right? But nah, that's the last one. Like where did these big rocks come from? No, turns out there's not gonna be any uncertainty about it. Once we find it, that's the last thing to know. Yeah, it's that classic we didn't look there situation. Classic.

Did you listen to that thing that I sent you? Probably, you know, I understand that maybe you didn't have a chance. What was the thing? It was a physicist lady talking about this thing that she was, where these guys had written a paper about that possibility that our universe is on the inside of a black hole. these guys had written a paper about you know that possibility that universes are universes on the inside of a black hole. I saw it and I was tantalized but I haven't engaged. Yeah no of course Andy you're a you know there's all that time

you're out traveling you know traveling to and from distant places where I imagine there's no waiting around or anything like that. There's the airport which is hectic. And then there's the flight which is hectic. Then there's all those paid lunches you're getting while you're on the road. You despicable fuck. That must be so hard. I have been working constantly. To just watch one short thing your distant friend desperately wants to bother you. I have been working constantly. I have been working constantly.

One short thing your distant friend desperately wants to bond with you on. Increasingly distant friend. Increasingly distant, yeah. By, you know, who's reaching out. But obviously there are swings and misses these days. I'm clawing for the for the this would be a great idea for you know you have the sex helpline Yeah, not sex help just sex line the sex chat. That's it call up sex helpline would be good All right, I've got my dick. What do I do now?

I've got my dick in it. What do I do now? I've got to this point, but I don't have the first clue what to do neither of us. It feels weird to be honest We're thinking about stopping To make this phone call, but she's starting to ask questions, so I need answers quick. Yes, and they're really hard questions. Things like that involve simultaneous equations. Okay, so there's that. That's a sketch idea. But this is one, you know, because they must be so good at riffing those people on the other end of the phone line, right? I'm just taking whatever you got. Because you know, I find on the rare occasion where I've tried to sort of bring an audio component into a moment of intimacy,

intimacy. I, it's like improv, I run out of ideas so fast. And, you know, you find yourself repeating cliches in a way that you wish you wouldn't. But, but they must be, you know, they must be remarkable. I'd love to like study them from an improv perspective. These people on the phone chat lines. And I reckon if you spend a couple of days calling them so much tell me oh do you mind if I record this for quality purposes and this is the quality of my future wanks imagine if they did have that imagine if you call up and you just get a robot as press one two um bounce up and down press two two Oh, it's like a choose your own adventure sex line

Well, I imagine they are right. They're interactive. Anyway, yeah sort of is choose your own adventure I know but that's the thing That's the thing with this new modern technology. You know, these days you'll be able to have such things as a robo calls that you can call up yourself, you know, instead of a robo call that calls you, it's a robo call that you can call and you can call the robo. Yeah, you can call the robo. And I mean, how expensive could it be to have your own robo call to receive calls? You know, and then people call up and then they go through it. And it's a choose your own adventure robot sex line. And then the row and then you say, if you would like me to bounce up and down or press one, if you would like me to pull my socks off sexily, press two. If you would like me to put my finger on my mouth and bite down a little

bit, press three. Not sexily. three not sexually I'm sorry I did not understand what that was I mean it feels like there's about eight different ideas there Alastair and they're all good they're all very good yeah what was what was the other one of hers and his business concepts but what was the other one about? Well yours was a research project on the improv quality. All right well they're not all good. No but I think I think there is something good there where where you could probably go to the call center. Get all the gals right. Take them straight to a black box theater.

And you know, in a pinch, put them in an improv scene and they would do pretty good. Oh, wouldn't this be amazing? It'd be a good like movie, like The Ringer or something like that, where you're like, you have a talent scout for an improv comedy group, right? But instead of looking for, yeah, instead of looking for, you know, the next baseball great or basketball talent who they could nurture, they're out there looking for improv talent.

And one day they stumble across the world of phone sex chats and it turns out these people are geniuses and of improv and they bring them into the improv comedy circuit and these women whose lives may have been challenging up until this point they form a Harold team and they go all the way to the Stanley Cup. Oh yes. Yes. And Stanley, that's Ralph Stanley, the banjo player. Wow. Who loved improv.

He loved it. Yes. And it's his actual cup that he whittled with his brother when they were Stanley Brothers Okay so, right, so we've got that, right, but then there's the one... Stanley Cup But there was also the one of somebody calling up during sex under the covers trying to ask for advice Yeah, yeah It feels like a different idea and then there's also the one of calling up and it's just press buttons

You press these buttons to navigate the menu Imagine this you you call it up the woman you the woman you oh, yeah yeah but imagine this you call it up and it turns out that the robot that you're calling is the phone right and it makes it sound like the phone is really into you right and it's like press one press it again and it and it's like a phone that's like being really sexy with you and it's telling you exactly what it wants and I think a lot of people like that kind of confidence yeah this would be really good for homoph... for phonophiles yeah and or and I'm surprised you know I wouldn't be at all surprised if if this isn't the way human sexuality does evolve

because of so much of our sex lives in every respect is sort of in one way or another mediated through technology now, you know. Yes. And dating apps and pornography, so on and so forth, will transfer our affections onto the phone. We'll start to think that the phone is the sexy thing. Yeah, well, I think a lot of the issues with a lot of these fake girlfriends and things like that, that they create using technology that I don't mention on this podcast anymore, is that they make it seem like the intelligence itself is some like immaterial girlfriend and then you get to see the images and all that kind of stuff. But none of it ever, like they make it just seem like the computer or the phone is just

the medium through which you see it. But why can't it be that the phone itself is your girlfriend yeah I think that might be actually healthier mmm yeah and like all sexuality stuff it's on it's it's on a spectrum so we all are at least attracted to it a mobile phone at least a tiny little bit yes you know there's an end and so it's just about growing that. You know, I think a lot of us don't think it could be acceptable societally to be in love with a phone, but. I think this will evolve phones in new, interesting ways.

Very new and very interesting. Finally, either either the phones will evolve and they will cease to be mere flat rectangles or we will evolve and maybe our genitals will become USB-C compatible. Oh yes imagine that pushing it in and out. it in and out. Hearing that little click, that satisfying click. The reason I reacted this way is because that feeling of trying to charge a phone and having the the charging sort of click on and off because it hasn't got a good connection because the cables buggered or the port is full of lint or something like that is actually one of the least sexy things I can imagine it's unbelievably frustrating. Oh but how

good would it be? Maybe therein is a little tease. Maybe that's what we like in the future. Yeah but how good would it be in that moment before you obviously make love to your telephone to grab a little sewing needle and then put it in the hole and try to get all that clumped dirt and dust and sort of linty stuff so that you can get a full connection. Oh that's foreplay baby. Scratching all these things that feel like sort of computer circuits in your phone that you know and you're like I'm pretty sure I'm gonna break something in there. A really good name for the waiver that they make you sign when you go to a I guess like a sex play dungeon a BDSM sex play dungeon

yeah I'm assuming they make you sign a waiver. They must. Would be the T's, T-E-A-S-E, and C's, S-E-I-Z-E. Yeah the C's sort of like when I guess your butt clenches up really tight. Yeah that's right. That famous part of the process. I guess when they try to put something in there too fast, then you're like... UGH! UGH! I just was assuming they just grab you at some point.

First day you flick your lip or something like that, then they shut up. They're real fast. U fast. The T's and C's. Oh no I meant the document. Oh you wanted the document to sign. Oh the terms and conditions. Yeah I mean. Oh that would be also a great name for a band, Terms and the Conditions. What a beautiful name for a sixties, you know, soul group or something. The Terms? Terms. And these are my conditions.

Yeah. And the conditions are all like skin based. Oh no. This is rash. This is. This is rash! This is... This is... Pustule, weeping pustule! This one is...

What's the one? Eczema? Oh, very good! Psoriasis? Crazy that there's no X in the letter Xma. I mean, how do you think X feels? It's like when... About CS?

A CZ in Xma. But how do you, like, you know, it's there. It's like when they write a role for an actor in a movie and that actor auditions for the role and misses out you know yeah or they call for like a John Travolta type and then John Travolta can't get it yes he can't he tries and tries he's a please let me get he's doing everything I'll I'll unshave my head. He sings that song. Tell me to grow back again. He does look so much better now that he's gone bald. Yeah you think so? I think he's gorgeous again. Better than sort of what he looked like when he was in the 70s. Dancing. Finally. Yeah.

He's achieved his final form. I think the only part that I like, you know, I'm fine with him. I have no problem with what he looks like except for the eyeliner part. I just find that that Egyptian look always feels weird to me. I haven't been so distracted by every other part of his face you know what I don't think I've looked at his eyes once I'll have to I think I mean it could just be that he yeah I always feel like he's just maybe he's got that JD Vance eye look yeah I don't know I think it's also that thing

where I guess he's dying his beard and eyebrows and stuff like that because he must have gray or something and so and then when that when everything looks a uniform color it's always a weird look on guys. When he's dyeing his eyebrows some of the dye that he's squirting on there furiously in the mornings must sort of dribble down and start lining the the eyelids. Why does he look so weird? Like why? Because he suddenly he just looks like a completely different kind of guy. Mmm he does doesn't he? He's always kind of looked undifferent, like... Yeah. No, but like... But...

Do you remember when he was like just appearing in Australia, you know, like, because he was flying for Qantas for a bit? Yes. You know? I remember that very normal period in our normal history of being a proper, normal country with self-respect. Yeah And when the the the Socarus qualified for the World Cup in like

2006 2008 or whatever like that and then they were like in the change room dancing John Travolta was in there. Oh and then they were like in the change room dancing. John Travolta was in there. Oh man. You know what it is? We're so good. There's a big part of him where he's looking more and more like that, who was that action star who was clearly an asshole idiot?

Steven Seagal. Steven Seagal. He's just looking more and more Seagali in a lot of circumstances these days. It's like he's trying to turn into Stephen Seagal but because there's one where he's got like a beard like that and it's all black as well. I like his beard. I think that's a good part of his look. I think what it is, is like he was for a very long time a very beautiful man. Yeah.

And a lot of people commented on that and that was probably a big part of his identity. And now he has lost his hair and he's trying to remain equally beautiful, right? But without the hair. So the rest of his face, he's expecting a lot more from it. And he's probably putting a lot of pressure on, you know, beard, eyebrows, eyes, whatever it is to compensate for the loss of his hair and that's unrealistic. That's, you know, that's, he's putting unrealistic demands on these other parts of his face. That's never going to happen but that's, I think because that's what he's hoping for. He's putting too much importance on his eyelashes and his eyebrows.

Yeah, it's that there's so many different looks that he has over the years There's somewhere he looks like he's trying to be the guy who shot the gun during rust there that rust movie What was that guys name? Alex yeah, he looks like Alec Baldwin Some in some fall like that's right Alec. Well, it's short for Alec Xander Alec, that's right. Alec. Well it's short for Alec Zander. Do you think that would be a cruel thing to do is to call a kid Alec dash Zander? I think it would be a cruel thing to do to the letter X.

Well, I mean that's giving it... That's actually... C and Z, come at swooping in. But Zander is spelled X-A-N-D-E-R. So you're still calling it with spelling with X. How are you picturing? I was telling you well you've Because you separated the Alec. Yeah out. I thought you were Splitting the X basically. Yeah into its fundamental components to seize to back-to-back seize No, I see and is Z, you absolute fuckhead. No, that's fair. But, were we back when we were talking about the... Sorry to take us back to the... the no to the phone sex line thing.

There was something else that I was trying to get to that entire time. Yeah. And it was it was before we had the in-pro comedians. It was calling up and talking about them being good at that. Are you looking for it? Because I can, I can. I'm looking for it. Okay, while you're looking for it, here's an idea.

It's called a, it's like a, it's a John Travolta helpline. Right? Yes. And, but it's just John Travolta on the other end. Right? And you call up and you give him advice on different things that he could do to maybe look less weird. So you help him yeah right yeah that's a really good idea. I'm starting to have a helpline and you can help me. And so he's got TV ads for this. Yeah.

Is it advice on how to look more normal? Or is it advice, general life advice? Or is it advice on how to look as beautiful as he did in Saturday Night Fever, but using the resources that he has available? Do you think he could do with his face? Or is it something else? Yeah, it's just, yeah, you just try to, just help me. Just help me. You know?

I'm obviously in a weird place, everybody can see it. I'm not sure that people around me know what they're doing. You know? So, let's just... That's really great. And every time he answers the phone, he says, look who's talking now, that's how you have to answer your... as I have to say your name. Was John Schulte was in Look Who's Talking?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But he was one of the actual actors in it rather than one of the voices. The voice of the baby. Yeah. He was the main actor. It was him and Kirsty Alley, wasn't it? Oh, wow. Yeah. There's even photos where he kind of looks a bit Michael Jackson II like if Jackson had aged Wow, it's cuz yeah, he's thickened out and he's got like an evil villain head. He's really thickened out has it. Yeah He's got the tiniest goatee on one of these ones

It looks like one of those little like soft things you'd put under a chair leg in order to like stop it from scratching the floor. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe he'd been engaged in some wooden floor based sex activities and out of respect for the homeowner had put one of those under his chin. Yeah that's good. That sharp chin of his. under his chin. Yeah, that's good. That sharp chin of his. And then forgotten to take it off or just liked it. Oh, there's so many periods. There's actually a few periods where it's like, it looks like it's just a little bit of shadow under his chin.

And then you look closer, it's like, no, it's a tiny little goatee. The shadow that follows us all. go to you? The shadow that follows us all. While I was talking I thought of what it was. Yeah great. I thought of what it was and it was what made me bring up that whole fucking topic to begin with. Okay. It's because you were making me feel so guilty about not listening to the thing. Oh yeah. But it would be good to call something up that was just a guilt line. Yeah. And be good to call something up that was just a guilt line. Yeah. And they just, you call them up and they just, they just riff.

They just take any aspect of your personality and they just riff on making you feel guilty about it. Or whatever, and whatever new piece of information, they just find a way to twist it. I, I will be honest, I think I would call this line. I think I would feel compelled to call it and I'd probably become addicted to it. Oh yeah. Because I think guilt, as you know, is a big part of my emotional makeup.

Yeah. And sometimes, and the only thing that can sort of assuage the guilt is somebody doing what you did Alistair and just like Making you forcing you to feel it Yeah, exactly Just going on just going on and on because then at least it's not just me It's not just my internal monologue, you know, you feel you feel less crazy feel validated Yeah, sometimes things need to be spoken a little bit.

Yeah. Lay it on the face. Does your mom, does your mom make you feel guilty for stuff? I mean, it's definitely in the repertoire of techniques for motivating, you know. Sure. So, you know, but I kind of, I kind of pointed out a fair bit now when it does happen. Right. Let's not use that as a technique because we're trying to not do that with the children

and things like that, you know? Oh, but for me it's so, it's such a big spanner in the toolkit, in the emotional toolkit. But Andy, think about it. A really big spanner is actually one of the spanners you use the least. That's true. Oh my god that's true I saw the biggest fucking spanner the other day. It was crazy. Were you like on a mining site or something? I was at an airplane hanger a World War II airplane hanger yeah and I wonder if

this spanner is like the one that they used to attach the fucking propeller or something I don't know but it was so big and commensurate with your comment Alastair it was pristine it was old but I reckon it had barely been used this it was it was at least half as tall as I am. Yeah. Wow. And the head of it was, was, was about the same size as my face. Yeah, it had barely had a turn. It had barely had a turn. Yeah, what do you think is that? Isn't that, isn't that always the way? Yeah, I mean, you know, the special ones are always like that, Andy. You know, there he was maybe created and he was just the world was not ready for maybe a nut or a bolt. That was that big.

Yes. Oh, that'd be that'd be good for us to be speculative spanner designers. Do you think? Prototype spanners for as yet unproduced nuts. You know what would be cool? What would be cool? It would be one that you have to like... It's so big you have to like drive...

Like use a car to drive it around the nut. Oh, that's a really good idea. I mean already I can tell we're cut out for this business. That's already such a big revolution in, by the way. It would be a big revolution. We're all about revolutions in the spatter business. Andy, but you're probably already thinking this, but a big spanner like that that's attached to a submarine that you can turn for underwater big nuts. Underwater big nuts? How did you get a hold of my... User name on... user name on that...

One of those apps with the yucky things on it. One of those yucky apps by Tinder profile. You're allowed to have underwater big nuts. Yeah, can you use fake names like that? Underwater big nuts, 78. Oh, he wants to date you. Oh, he sent you a message. I wonder if it's respectful.

Yeah, that's fun. Would you think you'd ever use one of those apps that's like for people trying to cheat on their brides. Oh, their brides, not even their wives. Just their betrothed. Just in the pre-marriage. I sometimes now refer to Indiana as my bride. Hello, my bride. Oh, that's good. I'm going to start doing that. Yeah, can you do that? Can you only do that? Yeah, that's good. She really likes it.

So we may as well all do it. Maybe it's something that all listeners of the podcast can do. It is it is all when you meet you meet, you know, you're getting to know some new people and you know, maybe the the male beloved refers to the female or mainly the one of the beloveds in the non-heteronormative relationship. Yeah. Um, refers to the other beloved, um, by a name, but you don't know if that's a nickname that we can all use or if that is reserved only for intimate partners. Yeah.

You know, and you've got to try and calibrate and you I mean you know you find yourself you know because because maybe you've just met them completely out of context of the rest of their friend group you don't have anything to go on about whether or not that's an appropriate name and one day you just tried out you try referring to them as um sexy sexy bottom smooch or whatever it is they call each other. Yeah, sexy bottom smooch. You realize that it wasn't actually one that anybody could use. Yeah, well, I mean, I think that if you're in a group setting

and one person calls another person something like three times. I think that it's, I think it's completely within your right to give it a go out loud in front of everybody. And as in you were making the assumption or you're just being a funny little boy. That's true. You've always got that get out of yeah Gail free get ahead of Gail get out of the Gail free cut There must be a woman somewhere called Gail free I'm sure there is there must be a woman Facebook. Let's see it on Facebook. Yep, there's somebody called Gayle Free. Wow. I had to get a get out of Gayle Free. There's Helen Gayle Free.

Hell and Gayle Free. Alastair, I reckon we've got five sketch ideas. I mean I don't want to rush anything but I think Ah, you're right. It would be apropro appropriate. Yeah, look there's a Gelfrit and she's got show dogs. Show dogs. Oh she looks nice. She looks really nice and her dogs look nice that's the most important thing. Isn't it nice of her to make a dog that everybody can look at. That's right. You don't

feel bad for looking at the dog say no go for your life I know you want to look at this dog it's been made to be looked at. Yeah that's exactly it. Yeah. Rest your eyes upon this dog. You can look, a dog that's just for looking. Do you know that those coffee tea bags, you know how you can sometimes get coffee in a bag? Yeah. Right? Do you know that that's just instant coffee with some coffee grains thrown in there for like

to make it seem like it's not just instant coffee. Of course, of course that's got to be it. Although it often just not quite makes a cup that's strong enough as well. Mmm, that's because there's not as much instant coffee because they had to put some grains in there. Yeah. But like, we all know, everybody knows that you need it, like that getting the flavour out of coffee grains is not as simple as just putting it in hot water. That's why there's all these elaborate systems for getting the flavour out.

And so, like, of course the idea of a coffee tea bag is too good to be true, right? So you've got it you've got to look at it and if you look on there that it doesn't say instant coffee but it says dehydrated coffee something or other yeah on the ingredients which is just another way of saying freeze-dried yeah yeah well maybe that's what it says maybe it says free drive but but the point is point is that like you got a you've got it like, you gotta always suspect.

You know, when they brought out those coffee tea bags and we were all like, yes, they've done it. We were so excited. I remember people crying in the streets. I do remember that. And we were all buying them thinking, look at me, right? I'm not drinking instant coffee. I'm you know proper coffee grounds but no you just put coffee grounds in there with instant coffee yeah no Andy like I mean do that like other things we like put it like sort of like steak in a bag yes you can take in a bag you could just put it in your cup.

Mmm, fancy, fancy proper noodles from a fancy proper noodle shop, right? But, and it looks like fancy proper noodles in the packet, but there's actually just a whole lot of magic two minute noodles flavouring in there as well. Yeah. They don't tell you about it. No, Andy, that's really good. I love that. But then you don't actually get to eat the noodles, you take the noodles away when you take the bag out and then you just taste the flavor of the shit noodles.

Noodle water. I forgot that they're in a bag. Yeah. I forgot that they're in it. Well, I mean, yeah, that was, I think that's all right. Andy, I think we should go to three words from a listener. Now you know this, Andy. Now you know this, Andy, we have a few listeners and some of them support us on Patreon and they can give us three bucks for to send us three words from a listener. Usually. Yes.

Sometimes it's them, the listener is them sometimes. Sometimes, yeah, I don't think we can even say usually because we don't have the data. Well, even say usually because we don't have the data Well, that's right. We don't have the data people have been very on occasion at least It has been them and one person who's been very unclear is Listener Aiden Kane who's today? Aiden Kane Earl Aiden Kane Earl Aiden Kane Earl, yeah three

First names. I love how two first names and a title. Yeah, it could be Earl Aiden, Cain, Earl. Three first names. I love how... Two first names and a title. Yeah, it could be Earl, Aiden, Cain maybe. Mmm. And it's just around the other way like it's like on a school roll or something like that that you'd be reading out in the morning. But I like the way that Aiden kind of keeps the AI in the first, you know, it's got the AI and the N in the first name and then an AI N in the second name as a sort of a callback in the first, you know, it's got the AI and the N in the first name,

and then AI N in the second name as a sort of, as a callback to the first name. Yes. And then, and then- Harking back to happier times. Yeah, remember when we had a good original name? And then, and then the last one, it's just got the A, and it's like it's, he's doing a new thing now.

He's got two Es in there. Didn't have one E in either first name two names yes now is doubling down on it starting book it like a Lego sequel it's one of the main Lego sequel is that what you said what did you say no I said a Lego sequel a Lego sequel yeah and they try and reboot a franchise, but maybe they've only got one of the main actors and they have to like almost completely reimagine what it is. Yeah. It's you know what it kind of reminds me of? It's a little bit like Die Hard 4 where Bruce Willis is in it, but it's like it follows like his son or whatever and but Bruce Willis

is kind of just following his son and he's kind of like just behind him saying things a lot of the time. Now this is what it is really like and it's almost like he's the his character from the Sixth Sense and he's still dead and he's actually not. It's like they made another movie and then they just added him to make it die hard. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, I wouldn't be at all surprised, you know? I mean, what this is is it's the, you know, it's the coffee tea bag all over again. It's the bloody coffee. It's the noodles in the bag that you take a bite. Yeah. But I just wonder how many

times his Sixth Sense character has been the character in a Bruce Willis. I mean I imagine the reason why in that fourth Die Hard that was happening was probably because he didn't have the you know he had a degenerative condition in his mind and he couldn't have done the full movie but he was still doing movies and probably was just taking tiny little roles that he could be sort of guided through and do easily more easily like that anyway that's just my very possible yeah anyway so I haven't seen I haven't seen that film and I bet you you're aching to watch it now.

Well, now I am, yeah. Now I am. With this new lens. Well, this could be a nice thing to watch with your beloved. Your bride. Mmm... Bride of mine. That bride of yours. Bride of mine.

We're watching Die Hard 4. Oh, okay. Oh, God. Andy Andy do you want to now Aiden Kane Earl has sent in three words from a listener hasn't mentioned uh I mean hasn't even mentioned if it's from a listener that's the thing is it hasn't mentioned where they've just sent through three words might have just found them on the ground, could have come from a stranger, somebody who's never heard of the pod. We don't know where these words were sourced. This could have been an error that emailed me. Although, you know, he didn't email me, he sent it through on Patreon, which is where you can send through your three words if you would like to send something. Okay, Andy, would you like to...

Still could have been an error though. Could have been an error. And let's see if you could make an error now. Can you guess what the first of the three words is, Andy? Okay, I'm in a big phase of the first word I think of always starting with the letters PL. So it's not gonna, I'm not gonna say that, okay? Okay, good. I think it's a wise choice.

Okay, the first word is backfill, backfill. Ooh, I think you're in the ballpark, it's fractious. Fractious. Fractious, what a great word. Yeah. What a terrific word. I wish I could say I was close to saying that but I didn't even cross my mind fractious second word anxious second

word anxious Andy no the second word is crackling fractious crackling okay and I Crackling. Okay. And I hate to say this Andy, but think We're a hip know. Oh no, it's praxis Praxis is one of those words where everybody started using it online about five or six years ago. Everybody was talking about praxis. I've never heard it before. What were they using it for? The internet learned a new word. They would talk, because everyone was talking about politics on Twitter

and lots of people were talking, praxis kept coming up. And I think I did a tweet along the lines of, all right, that's it, you've forced my hand, I'm gonna learn what praxis means or something. I'm not saying it was very funny. Yeah, no, I had a good time with it, Andy, just saying. Yeah, thanks, man. But no, actually it was a different take on it,

but it was funnier than that. But I can't be sure what I said. So, so praxis is kind of grumpy Irritable and whorlsome. Yeah irritable. I would say yeah. Yeah And then there's a crackling which that we know correct, you know Mmm, and sometimes we bad we buy a bag and it's just poor essentially poor crackling You do that over there? Yeah, over here. That's what we do.

Do you ever put one of your pieces of cheese curd on top of a piece of crackling? I've never done that. And eat them together? I've never done that. I reckon that not having eaten either of those things, I'm speculating that would actually be really quite good. You know what the crackling stuff is. It's like pure umami Really yeah, cuz it's like it's fat fried fat isn't it basically I think so yeah Yeah, but it's very light. I think like all the fat is rendered out of it, and then it's just kind of like it's just like

It's just the crunch. It's just the crunch bit Yeah, and it's kind of like the crunch it's just the crunch bit yeah and it's kind of like is it pure crunch I would say as pure crunches you can get you know because obviously as pure of a crunch as you can get whilst eating with a wet mouth right while being a being a well being a human a creature of mostly liquid yeah yeah so you know you can get that crunch at front at first but then Well being a human a creature of mostly liquid. Yeah Yeah, so, you know you can get that crunch at front at first But then you really are just your you're softening it up from every moment after that What can you imagine a person who's been crawling through a a humid swamp for days? Yeah, right?

You know, they've just been dragging themselves through this it It's been raining out there in the swamp as well. Right? And dragging them to broken legs, all this liquid. Yeah. Two broken legs, dragging themselves. They, they, they see a, a, a township on the horizon. They drag themselves into squelching into town. You're right. Sliding, squelching as they drag their legs yes up the front porch of the general store and drag themselves to the counter and say crackling give me crackling I need crackling in water sorry not in water okay you, you've ruined it Alice. Sorry you fucked

So he's so wet. It's the opposite. I get it. It's the opposite. It's what it is. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, so it's So like they asked for a big Glass full of silica gel. It's but it's a guy. It's in the middle of the ocean He's swimming and all a swamp in the middle of the ocean. I'm just trying to find a slightly wetter situation. I think it needs to be drinkable water for my purposes. I think it needs to be potable. See, I hadn't thought about everything you thought about, Andy. You wouldn't believe the things that are whirring around in my mind. I've taken into account factors you couldn't begin to

consider this idea is so ironically watertight that my god yeah that was good a crackling crackling wet guy they should make a version of crackling called squelching. It's just it's just it's just a strip of wet fat. Wet raw fat. And they call them slurpees. And you just you just slurp them in. Oh, you know, it'd be cool. They got they're like it's like wet fat, right? And it's long, wet fat. They've made it into a really long strip and at the end...

Oh, like noodles. Yeah, like noodles, but it's all just cut so they don't have to keep tying little knots into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? And they attach a little rock to the end of it. They tie a little rock in it. And then you just swallow the little rock at the beginning and then you just let it fall down into your body and it pulls all the flat. You let gravity do the work. Wow. You just swallow the end of the fat string and you just have your

mouth just a little open there and you're just sitting at the table, still talking, still chatting away, but your hands are free to type or do whatever you like. That's right. As the gravity itself drags this thread. It looks like a big little bowl of noodles next to you. You're just working and it's just slowly pulling

fat into your body. It looks like a tapeworm squirming into your mouth. Yeah and eventually it's just filling your nappy with just this body processed fat like that and while it's still getting pulled in. You've stripped the nutrients out of it. The thread. That's right. You've got everything you need. Wow. You grab the rock at the other end, you hook it onto a spool of a fishing rod. I have a fishing reel and you crank that. Oh that's good. You crank it out and you just adjust the speed that you crank with on your fishing reel just determining, depending on how much weight you wish to gain from the strand. Swallowed, fat, rock. Oh my god I don't know what I'm writing how would you

summarize this about swollen swallowed fat rock oh my god this is perfect perfect white fat wet fat bag I got a bag. I got a wet fat bag. I got a wet fat bag. It's called Squirreling. Oh man. It's a wet fat bag. I think a wet fat bag would be a really fun hook for a song. A wet fat bag. I mean, the Wet Fat Bags is a great band name,

but I think they should have a self-titled album with a self-titled song. And each song is called Wet Fat Bag 1, Wet Fat Bag 2, Wet Fat Bag 3. And it's called The Wet Fat Bags, but there's only one guy. And actually the name is a reference to all of their songs. Because all their songs are the wet fat bags. Oh, is that what that's a reference to? Yeah, well actually the main guy who is the artist, he's also a wet fat bag.

So then, because he doesn't see himself as better than the songs. You know, I think a lot of these artists, they think that they're better than their songs. I think because they can create them. They're like the song gods. You know, so they think, oh well, you know, it's just one of my songs. I don't care. Like that. Like that. And then that puts them above the songs. But actually they're equal members in this group. Yeah. Don't you think? Completely agree. Yeah. You think I should write down what that bags? In a, in a, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it awful that in an era in which the rights to songs can be bought by these massive billion dollar conglomerate companies? Yeah. You know, that we still can't, you know, companies can separate the art from the artist why can't we and just because Michael Jackson you know is cancelled

right yeah for for obviously big pedophile just because he he did that why should an innocent company have to suffer that's right happens to own the rights to his songs okay feels so bad Michael Jackson doesn't care right he's already sold the songs he's laughing all the way to the to the to the you know the the other the heaven bank heaven where he is

right all the way to the heaven ATM and And then some poor company. Yep. Some down on its luck. Yeah. Conglomerate. That was still just getting over the buyer's high from having purchased these songs. That's who you're punishing by not listening to his music. You see their faces drop as they open up the new stand. They open up the stand? So are they open up the new stand. They opened up the stand! So are they working at a new stand as well? They're opening it up, they've bought a bunch of new stands as well and they're opening

it up and as they're hiring a guy and explaining how things work, as the doors have opened, they see today's paper. But they're still down there doing the onboarding themselves. That's nice. Oh, they're explaining to the guy how they're like you tried to make it better by making it, oh they're not running the newsstand themselves but they are on the street explaining how the new stead works to their first employee. It doesn't feel that much ever of a separation anyway. They're franchisees rather than they wouldn't actually be seen dead doing that kind of work. Franchisees? Why don't you run this company? I don't want to. Yeah, I couldn't be bothered I'd hate that

Andy do you think that swallowed fat the swallowed fat rock the rock fat and the wet fat bags is enough of a sketch idea to justify Aidan Kane Earle's very good three words? Aidan KaneEarl's very good three words? Aidan Cane-Earl, very, very good three words. But look, I think, you know, as a three-worded individual, three-named individual, who provided us with three words

to get a three-word sketch idea back is probably, I imagine that's deeply pleasing. Yeah and maybe or did we also get wet guy crackers saying crackling crackling. I need crackling. Yeah that's right. The wet guy. Yeah a really wet guy. He just dragged himself in from a lot of potable water. By the way what kind of music do you think that the wet fat bags would do? I think it's probably dance music, wouldn't it? I was thinking it was punk music, but maybe that's too obvious. Maybe that's route one. Do you think it could be punk pop fusion? Punk pop fusion? Yeah. A three name genre. A three word genre.

All right, Andy, I'm going to take us through the sketch ideas for today. We got all yes, we got sex line workers win in pro Stanley Cup. Yes. We've got sex helpline. I'll put more penis in now. What do I do? And there is under the covers, covers giving calls and she's starting to ask really difficult questions. The longer this goes on yeah, the the worst the situation gets yeah, we've got to solve this now because she is really

really asking a lot of questions I don't have anything else it's okay and we got robot choose your own adventure sex line which is also leads us into becoming attracted to mobile phones where the mobile phone is the girlfriend yes there's not a mobile there's not a girlfriend on my mobile phone My phone is the girlfriend The phone is the girl It's it's a phone it's an iPod But it's not three things, it's four things. Because it's also your girlfriend. The phone is the girlfriend.

We've got our John Travolta. Phonophilia? Yeah. Phonophilia. Oh yeah. We've got John Travolta. Why would I phone a friend? My phone is my friend

We got John Travolta helpline call me up and help me look less weird Yeah, I think I've lost my way with this whole looks I Don't know what I'm doing. I think I've got up I think I'm out of touch and the people that I hire to keep me in touch They're also out of touch I'll try anything at this point. Yeah, and we got That's why I'm throwing it open. We got to get the people the world's first democratic face It's like yeah, yeah, a full, a fully democratic stylist. Mmm.

I've got eight billion stylists. The world. I, you surely couldn't be doing worse than what me and my team have done for me. We got Wet Guy crackling, crackling. We got Swallowed Fat Rock like noodle goes in from gravity. You did it. You did it. Yeah. And then we've got the Wet Fat Bags. The Wet Fat Bags. That's the name of the songs. That's the songs. Alright Andy, I hope you've had a good time. I know I have. Let's do the song. Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

Oh well done Alex, sounds like somebody has died didn't it? It was cool. Yeah. And um, oh wouldn't that be nice that like, you know, your, I think if you're a famous musician Yeah? Your record company should be allowed to record your ECG beeps as you're dying and sample those release it as with you know whatever the latest hot young DJ is get some features on there Paul. Alright my bride is looking at me I think I gotta wrap this up. They gotta do that they gotta do that. They gotta do that. When Paul McCartney finally does. Yeah when

get Sean Paul on there. Sean Paul McCartney what? Yeah. That's what the dream come true. I'll let you go to your bride. Yes thank you and I'll let you go to your bride. Yes, thank you. And I'll let you go to your bride. And you, the listeners, you may all go to your brides. Yes, you all go to your brides. Thank you ever so much for listening. We consider to be a gender neutral term. That's right. We consider the bride to be a non-

The bride to be? A non-binary term, not bride to be. These are brides currently and the way that they be. And we love you. Bye. Bye. Sorry about all the popping. Sorry.