Two In The Think Tank - 489 - "THE IBS SPRINTATHON"

Episode Date: August 15, 2025

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A-Cast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's the show that we recommend. I'm Jesse Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend. I break down the biggest stories in pop culture, but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle.

I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on. Thank God, phone a friend with Jesse Crookshank, is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcast everywhere. acast.com. Hello and welcome to To In The Thing Tank the show where we come up with five-s-gett Ideas.

You really... I'm Andy. You really are, Andy. And I really am, Alistair, George William, Trombay Virtual, who is happy to be here. Thanks so much for having me. Oh, my goodness, Alastair, it's good to have you on. I've been meaning to get you on the podcast. Thank you.

That is the meaning. that is what is the meaning of that podcast well to have alistair on indeed yes it's not just me that's been meaning to have you on the podcast the podcast has been meaning to have you on the podcast but andy has imbued it with meaning to have me on the podcast friend of the podcast enemy of me personally but he gets along so well with the podcast that um it balances out Yeah, you know, a feeling of total neutrality. Yesterday, I thought of the opposite of, um, uh, you, uh, you, uh, you, uh, you, what is it? You can't, you won't believe, I can't believe it's not butter.

Ah, yes. Yeah? This is a, a butter product called, I think this is margarine. no surely this is margarine oh surely this is margarine this has got that this is lacking that great butter flavor but it is butter how do they do that how do they get this butter how do they get this butter to taste so margariney like it's like whipped up um vegetable oil and the crazy thing is it also

has all the health downsides of an artificially created vegetable fat so they managed to replicate that as well ocular ocular degeneration ocular degeneration I think that that is one of the things

years ago maybe 20 years ago I remember hearing on like one of those like today, tonight kind of shows or whatever like that, that eating all the vegetable oils has caused people to have ocular degeneration.

Now, this is what I like about the people who made the Oculus Rift thing. They wanted to make something futuristic and they gave it a really futuristic sci-fi-sounding name. All these other fucks making their apps and that sort of thing, all their technology.

They're calling them boring shit. Apple. They're calling it Apple. Yeah, that's from the past, man. Facebook. Now, you're talking to me like I'm a baby. Yeah. I want you to talk to me like I'm a star lord.

I want you to talk to me like I'm an energized, like, uh, an energized, um, like, uh, Gas. Yeah, like I've transcended my human form. Exactly. Yes. Speak to me like I'm looking at a hologram. And not one of those old ones.

One of the new ones from the future. Not one of those, not one of those ones where you sort of move the postcard site to side and it looks like the wallaby has moved an inch. Yeah, not one of those and not even one of those which is actually projected onto a piece of glass. It's just an in-inch, project on a... God forbid.

A future one. One that it looks like it's in front of me and I don't understand how it works. Let's make, remake Star Wars, okay. Yeah. Because I reckon they're due a reboot and we will

Well, we'll just, it's pretty much the same, except that scene where Princess Leia appears as a little hologram saying, Help me, Obi-1, you're my only hope. It's R2D2, pulls out a postcard, and he moves it from side to side. Oh, yeah. And he runs his finger along that ribbed bit, and it goes. Yeah, yeah. Hey, oh, great. Alistair, once again, your capacity with noises is incredible.

Did that really sound like your nail was? Yes, it did. It sounded exactly like that. That's what that would have sounded like. Yeah. I mean, imagine being able to get the frequencies right so that it did actually sound, like, you know, in between the gaps in between so that when you run a fingernail along that that's the

I'm imagining just then just then for a second I felt sad about people who didn't have fingernails who wouldn't be able

to use it you know what we shouldn't do it we shouldn't do it it's discriminatory technology yeah it's ablest cancel the past

I mean the future yes the future remake of the past the future is cancelled the the other difference about this version of Star Wars

is that R2D2 does have a finger. He's got to be one, one fleshy finger. Oh, yeah. Oh, and has it got... Did I say this version of the podcast? I meant this version of the movie. Did I say podcast? I don't know.

I didn't listen that early on in the sentence. I was still realizing that you were talking, that you were just starting to talk. I do. Has it always been like this, Alastair? Because, like, You know, just before we started recording, obviously, there was a moment where you so quickly went into such a deep, different world of thought that you were startled by me having a follow-up sentence to my very short sentence. Yeah, you were saying, well, we're about, I'm almost ready, like that, and then I went, ooh-h, like that.

Look, I started thinking, my brain is absolute mush right now. I am like, you know, I'm currently just very, like, stuck in. reels and just constantly just very distracted right now and I think part of it is just a little bit of lack of sleep but uh and then the other part is just being in front of a computer all day every day um but yeah okay old holograms

back hang on um but also I think that with this uh with this remake of I don't know if this is a great alternative but by the way I wouldn't be surprised if they you know how like Disney's remaking a lot of these cartoons and making them as as real life animation a live action kind of thing I wouldn't be surprised if Star Wars they're like

we're remaking them but as cartoons just that just just because they're like well it's a free 200 million dollars yeah why not just get people to draw it and remake you'd do it if you were Disney

and you know who knows you won't also who knows you won't be they wouldn't they wouldn't get people to draw it at this point i reckon they could probably just feed the movies into a into a computer and it would just spit out the 200 million dollars i don't think it would even make the i don't think it would even make the uh just they put the movies into an awry and then just money comes out of the printer yeah yeah you should just be able to like at this point you should just be able to get the money for having the idea well i mean you know also the idea of like the AI is now not just replacing the workers but then also replacing the

consumers and and the process of time passing and things like that they go yeah look here's here's what you were going to get anyway we know what you're thinking just have the money and given that the we know that the rich just get richer yeah they to be honest they shouldn't even have to have the idea you know they should just get the money like it's crazy we know we know it's inevitable that um wealth will continue it to accumulate in the hands of the rich yeah and so that we ask them to do anything for it at all is obscene it is obscene it is wrong we should just go get into we should all just get all into a really big hole and just yes and then the people on the outside of the hole just start pulling some

dirt over the top of us and they yeah over the top of us just leave a little gap in the top big enough just for everyone to sort of pass up any money that's in their pockets pass it together feed it up to the top trickle up sort of out of this hole and then the person on the top of the pile of bodies can pass the few pennies and ragged notes up through the little hole in the top

before Elon Musk's squire what's over it and fills that hole with a single shit. A single... And the work is done. Oh, a single third. That just seals it like a, like a wine bottle. And then they'll have true equality as well. That, you know, which is supposedly what we want,

but they'll all have all the money. They'll all be equal. Yeah, you don't think that they'll be like sharks and they will just slowly... No, I think it's blissful. Yeah, it would be nice to just find. be amongst billionaires. Just, just, just, just billionaires, just your fellow billionaires, billionaireing together forever for eternity with their ageless bodies.

And they're, how funny is that guy? And my ear is 27 years old. And, uh, but, uh, but, uh, but, uh, but, uh, but, my knees are at, at 32. 39. Yeah. I have an asshole of a thousand-year-old man. This is a funny story.

My doctors say I have the such an aged asshole because of, you know, I used to. So all the pills I've been taken? I've been just dry pills. I've been sliding in between the. It's just sliding through that sphincter. It's actually had a corrosive effect on it. I do think a sci-fi future where all the poor people have been killed

and it's only billionaires. Yeah. And also, it's great. It's really good. It is a true utopia. And they do everything with them. They solve every problem with money. It's a really good idea

And it is just AIs that do everything for them Yeah, probably Yep Yeah I just love to see a positive vision of the future You know? Yeah, I think at this point

We need it, we need it Yeah We need to know everything's going to be okay For the billionaires Yeah Because I'm worried that if the If the environment collapses That the billionaires

Would struggle But Yeah yes and so and it just because it seems like Elon's really slowed down on this kind of Mars thing

you know talking about nuking Mars and sort of you know starting to terraform it a bit but it's just it's yeah

it's going too slow for how fast climate change is accelerating yeah yeah he's taking his eye off the prize there. He's got other stuff going on, other important stuff he's got to do.

Yeah. Do you think that when they say climate change is accelerating, do you think it's getting faster or do you think it's just changing direction? Oh, that's very interesting. You know, in fact, slowing down is also a form of acceleration.

That's true. Oh, that's good. That's actually, that's just filled me with hope. I feel like that's enough of a thought and that's enough of a Like a dumb, extremely dumb thing to say that I could probably get onto one of these podcasts. Not this one, obviously. Not.

And start, you know, arguing. This is my, again, this is my Jordan. Well, that's a nonsense suggestion, because I've lost how to do, Jordan Peterson. Acceleration is, negative acceleration is also acceleration. what do you mean by acceleration there it is no but that wasn't it at all but like but more of me

that's that's good that's very good pointless having to redefine everything every moment and then defining it in such a way so that the other person is wrong well first we got to define what a dinosaur is

you know what do you mean by a correct answer yeah Do you mean something that is always wrong? Because that's the only one I accept. And if that's the case, you are wrong. This is the flip side, right? If we want to actually try and really fundamentally reshape capitalism

and have a chance of surviving long terms of species, we need to move away from this endless quest for material growth, right? Constantly making new things. And we've got to move to spiritual growth, endless spiritual growth. Well, I was thinking that if we could get the system where you get the money just for having the idea instead of actually having to build the thing, that would help a lot, right? Like if you could just go to a central computer, type in the business idea that you want to make. I want to make crazy straws, but instead of being curvy, they're sort of all angular, right?

They got real corners, you know, in them. I like that. Like they're for a robot, right? You type that into the central computer at City Hall. This is perfect for the pilot episode of billionaire utopia. This, and it goes, this is a $200,000 idea. And you get money out. And then, like, and it still works because sometimes you'll type in an idea, it'll be a bad idea, and you were going to lose money.

Yeah. Right. And it takes that money out of your money. account. That's right. It's just because you're bill. If the idea is bad enough. Yeah, I like that. And because I think maybe the justification for this is that markets are, while markets are can be very efficient, they're actually less efficient than, uh, than not doing the thing

at all and just having the idea of them receiving the money. Yeah. Man, that's efficient. That's the, that's infinitely an. infinitely efficient economy. Yeah. And this, we could have this. This could be, this could be a thing. And then, and then, and then we absolutely can have stasis, you know, even like shrinking,

even using less of the, you know, and the businesses that already exist. So this is it. There's no new actual businesses. Sorry. From now on, all businesses are hypothetical. Yeah. And, oh, and, oh, this would be so good. for artists as well because like you don't have to actually write the fucking book or whatever

you can just like get the board outlines. Oh you can just do a podcast where you come up with the ideas and you don't have to accept. Yes. Yes Alistair. God we are pioneers of not actually doing the ideas. Yeah. Occasionally we've done them and I'm probably about to kick in and really become a making machine. I was I was thinking Alistair that we might have to. I don't know, if I should talk a bit to you about this on podcast or off podcast and then we can bring it up on podcast. But after the 500th episode, where we've come up with 500 sketch ideas, something might have to change about the nature of the podcast. What is the nature of it? What will change? I'm not going to tell you. What do you, I mean, what could it be? The nature of the podcast?

Two people talking to each other coming up with ideas? Yeah. The thing that has worked so well for us that we enjoy. Yeah. I'm afraid that might have to change. What if it became something? And maybe it's still this. Maybe it's still this.

Yeah. Maybe it's also something where we make audio sketches. Yeah. And release them. Oh, for the next 500 episodes, we make an audio sketch and release it? Maybe we make several. Maybe there's a, another strand to the podcast, another part, another, another arm or wing, maybe monthly we have to release an actual, you know, sketch episode. I don't know.

Yeah, Andy, look, I think, I mean, I like this, we might need the future. Yeah. To, you know, Andy, I would change. We might need to grow. I would like that. I mean, I've been, I've been toying with trying to just make things by myself for a long while. and uh but yeah i would look i would be into it maybe we can have little minisodes where we just release a little something exactly well i would be into that andy i just it's it's the

workflow that we've got to figure out to make it achievable when you yeah when you're having to get up at 4 30 a.m. this morning just to do this podcast just to do the regular podcast that is not a lot of pre doing work yeah yeah i've actually one way more organized than you, Alastair, because I'm getting up tomorrow morning to do this podcast. Oh, that's true. You didn't get up until, you didn't, you didn't get around to it until yesterday afternoon. Yeah. I'm getting up tomorrow morning.

You are very, you know what I will also think that we should do? We should do, we should write a book that is just a anthology of sci-fi stories, right? but also they are increasingly longer. So the first chapter is just like one-sentence sci-fi stories. Oh, my God. And then we get one little, one paragraph ones. And then at the end we have like regular, like, you know, sort of, you know, short story kind of bullshit. And then.

And then at the end, we each have a novella. And then at the end we each have a novella. And then at the end of that, after that, we each have a full-on novel. And then after that we, there's a full-on, yeah, a book series. That's probably too much. I think trilogies, I think trilogies are successful because trilogy is just the best word for multiple things. What's the, what's the one for two? Duology.

Geology, yeah. A sequel. It's the first and it's sequel. What's that one? Trilogy. Sci-fi trilogy. Even the word trilogy. See, now, that's a futuristic-sounding word.

It's perfect for sci-fi. Trilogy. You know what else is another good word? That would be good for sci-fi, and is for three, but it's used in art instead? Triptit. A triptic. Triptic. A triptic.

A triptic. Oculus triptic. Oh, yeah. I like that. That's when they offer you a third eye. Instead of something that goes over your eyes, it goes on the back of your head and you get that third eye or on the top. Wouldn't you love to always be able to look at the sky?

Oh, yes. They, I mean, how would you feel about this? Yeah. It's glasses that go in front of your face, right? How far in front? So normal. How far in front? So far.

Ten meters. Yeah, 10 meters 10 meters, they're big But what they do is they give you this This area around your It's crazy I need glasses to see things far away Why are my glasses so close to my face?

That's true Why not make them? Why do I have to like have them right on here? What I could have is I could have the glasses You know, five, six meters away from me Okay And then I can The stuff close to me

You can just see that regular, right? And then stuff far away. This is a really good idea. Yeah. Thank you. Stuff far away. I'll see that fine as well because my glasses are far away. You're right?

And then I don't have the glasses like so close to my face so that if I want to like, I don't know, like rub my eyes or like get sand blowing into my eyeballs, I can still do that. Yeah. Without the glasses getting in the way. It doesn't get in the way of my life, except when I need to turn a corner in a narrow corridor, then there's like the long stick that comes off the top of my head that holds the enormous reflecting sheet.

Smashes and breaks and then I've got to replace it. Yeah. And that's a huge pat in the ass. And, you know, ironically, I didn't see that coming. That's right. Well, it was too far. There you go. It was too far away.

I couldn't have. couldn't have seen that coming. It might have just been outside of the field of where the glasses were looking at very small field because they're so far away. You would see. Or how big do you picture they are? You're picturing really big, aren't? Look, maybe two or three meters wide.

I think it would be one on D squared that would decide how big they need to be, depending on how far away they are from your face? Or is it just, or is it the opposite? The inverse of one on D squared. Whatever that is, science doesn't know. I mean, I think we only truly focus on quite a small area vision anyway. Yeah. So, and, you know, if you're, whatever you're doing,

whatever you're, where you're reading things far away. Yeah, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah, well then you're only reading like one or two letters at a time. so again I think that's fine so then do you just move your head or does it follow where your eyes go you move you move your head and the rod swings from side to side

okay I because instead I was just picturing really big glasses that I guess are anchored to your shoulders and head and neck and stuff oh yeah yeah yeah you know there'd be a sort of have to be some support rod that comes up diagonally from your crotch from your different chest

and like yeah like a flag pole that kind of one of those flag holding poles like that. Yep. And that way you can rub their eyes. Like a flagpole. Like one of those flag holding poles. Love how you explained the flag hole.

Andy, you know, the pole, you know, because you know that when somebody's marching in a parade with a flagpole, and they've got that little thing that comes out where the dick is. Yeah. And it's a little, like, a little socket. A little socket to put your flagpole in. your flag holding pole you flag holding pole you probably need

you probably need to wear a cup when you're doing that because I wouldn't be surprised if you go over like a you know let's say you're taking your parade into like a underground car park or something like that

and that that clearance isn't as high as you hoped like that and your flag it sounds like a good parade you know it's a parade from the mall it was like around the mall

And they're like, all right, now turn into the underground car park. Yeah, of course. And then you go down, and the top of your flag hits that concrete at the top, and it goes down and smashes in the nuts. He's driven into the crotch. Absolutely, because you are walking. You are driving that pole into your nuts with all the force of your legs that you used to propel your body forward. And you're not just driven by your legs.

You're also, remember, this is a parade. driven by your patriotism. That's right. And you've got your love for your country. That's right. You're driven by that. And the incline that's taking you down into the underground car box. So you're kind of trying to slow yourself down as gravity accelerates you.

No, no, you're not trying to slow yourself down. You're using the gravity to give yourself an extra boost, you know? Because of the faster you go, the more patriotic you are. Love to see a parade Where everybody's sprinting Wouldn't that be good That was always my problem At the Anzac Day March

It was all too slow And they get slower This is why you guys lost Get older So Sorry Is this how you did it on the day On the day?

Because gosh Did you all look this sad on the day? No wonder Is this the pace at which you retreated From Gallipoli? And were you facing Fords as you retreated? By the way. That's messed up.

The only success in war, I think, is actually a retreat. So I just, you know, just to clarify that. Oh, man. It's like, you go, somebody going, actually, I don't think we could, we could beat this. Because most of the time, those people, like, they would have been, if they had said that, you know, like, in the Second World War or whatever, in the First World War, if they had said that maybe 800% more time. actually I don't think we're going to win this one let's just get out of here I reckon maybe something like 40 million people less would have died yeah a good retreat call

yeah yeah absolutely I mean I'm not sure was it was Gallipoli just one day I don't know was it just one day or was it like multiple days because are we having Anzac Day on the day of the landing because we should be having it on the day of the retreat, right? Yeah. That's the bit to sort of celebrate and say, yeah, good, good on you guys.

That was when we, that's when things really turned around for us, you know, quite literally. Yeah. And, and ran. And that was the first good idea we'd had at fucking war. Honestly, I don't even know, like, it, it, it, yeah. I mean, Andy, I'm starting to feel like, uh, there's a, uh, there's a, sort of a pointlessness to war. Oh, Alastair. Oh, oh, you poor boy.

Yeah, you might be right. What's the word that they use? What's the word that they normally use? I couldn't find it just as I was getting in there. Oh, we should celebrate all the conscientious objectors. Yeah. To war. Who war?

They should definitely. To war. To war. But what are you saying? Who wore? I'd say two to war the conscientious objectors

Oh to war Sorry yeah I just hadn't I hadn't I hadn't realized that there's conscientious objectors to other things But of course There could be

No sorry Alistair You're right You're absolutely right It was like a flagpole That was my flagpole holder It was my... No, what is it? Flag holding pole.

Yeah. That was my flag holding pole. Flagpole. Um... To the nuts. Hmm. Your flagpole and my nuts. The, uh, the, the, there would be people, of course, who, um, you know, sick, messed up people who, who, who don't wear a cup when

they're marching with their flags. They actually slightly sharp. up and up the end of the flagpole. Oh, yeah. Because they're secretly hoping that they will be asked to divert down an underground car park and have that thrill of stabbing themselves in the Croshaw region. These perverts. I wonder whether maybe...

Sorry, this is to go back to your other idea, and I apologize about... cutting off this pervert thing. No, no, it's good. I'm only saying that, by the way, because I know that if you, that the shame is a big part of some of those enthusiasms, and they might actually have a better time. Of course, all the people...

Judging them for what they're doing. You know, seeing all those hundreds of people lining the sides of that entryway to the car park, to the underground car park, they're clapping as they go down like hundreds of people in that tiny little

oh yes throwing confetti throwing confetti and then yeah and then that flagpole hitting that top

edge of the entry point and then sharp and into the nuts where blood starts to come out hey this like because I mean

what would be the point of having it sharp if it wasn't for that right and so then and then I guess they're white pants I guess they were

marching for chefs or something like that their white They were, yes. You know, the military chefs of Gallipoli. And then as it covers and it becomes so shameful, he can't handle it. He starts saying, it's spaghetti sauce. It's spaghetti sauce.

Like that. He says, my bag of spaghetti sauce. That was lunch. I pierced my bag of spaghetti sauce. Yeah, great. What do you think that the sprinting parade is? The sprinting parade would be commemorating. Now, obviously, it could be like an athletics thing.

It could be sort of... People running away from a volcano. Yes. What about IBS? IBS. Oh, that's so good. Yeah? Yes.

It's the... It's the IBS sprinting parade. marching running for ibs yeah a sprintathon we're having a hurrying to the loo we're hurrying to the loo everybody gets off a bus at one end of the main street and there's a whole lot of portaloos at the other end that's great have they tried in the olympics giving the people a reason to sprint, you know? Yeah. Because we've tried making them better at sprinting. Yeah.

If we ever tried giving them a reason, like having somebody down the end with a delicious pie or something like. Or what about having a dog with like, you know, three dogs with each metal on it? Mm. Hmm. Hmm. And you've got to catch the dog. And the dog's chasing a

piece of meat. You could combine the greyhounds with the, They, with the, uh, okay, with the 400 meter sprint. Right. And the, the, the meats on the bums of the people running and the dogs are chasing them. Oh, wait, I mean, that could be an overweight. They've got meat tied to their, to their butts.

I was picturing the meat is on the rabbit, and then the dogs are chasing the rabbit, and then the humans are chasing the dogs, which have the metals. Oh, good. And then maybe, maybe there's somebody else chasing the humans. The photographers. the lucrative endorsement deal arrangers. Yes, lucrative endorsement deal arrangers. You know what, as well as these people trying to get together the enhanced Olympics,

where you can take drugs to be faster at running, there should be people doing like the downhill Olympics. where it's the 100 metres but it's really steep and yeah and with a tailwind really fucking steep and with a tailwind I mean that is a little bit that

that cheese chasing thing oh yeah it is yeah oh they are chasing cheese they've combined all my ideas they're running out to something I really want and they're going down here it's they did it they actually but finally

a race with a purpose and that crazy bastards that really shows us what a human body can achieve under you know the ideal conditions oh ideal yeah yes anyway we've focused too much on making the human body ideal and not the conditions that's right i mean where does our body end really if it's not from the incline that we walk on is that not part of our body i've always said this It's hard to know where the human being ends and the steep incline. Yeah. Now, if only they could do that cheese, that cheese rolling race, whilst on steroids, I think then we would actually have the perfect race.

Oh, the enhanced cheese rolling. Yeah. And then we would see what humans really can do as they're sort of rolling and, Like, some of them do these amazing roles where they kind of like, they fall and then they kind of roll onto their back, but it causes them to flip, you know, back onto their feet and then fall back. And it's, it's pretty amazing what serious falling can do. The human body's not really meant to spin and fall and, you know, it's, there's way too many shatterable parts. If they, if it was meant to, they would have rubbered us up. yeah has anybody died doing that fucking thing

they must have done they must have done I don't know I was going to say hopefully not but um yeah I mean I have seen somebody falling down K2 um in some video of people climbing and you just see this thing coming from above as people are climbing

and it's just basically a rolling body like but kind of rolling like almost in a sort of forward front flip kind of thing I just going, do, do, do, do, do. And they just keep going. There's no stopping them. Were they okay?

Were they okay? Andy, I don't think so. I don't think so. I think that's just what happened. I think it's like 50% or it's up there or something like that of people who die whilst climbing that thing. They should call it not okay too. And a sequel to Not Okay One. Yes.

Yeah. That's a good name for a movie. Not okay. Not okay, yeah. Okay. I'm not okay. Yeah, that would be good. Good name for maybe a horror movie, right?

I think that would be a couple of meanings, right? That'd be hot right now. There's two laser meaning. One, where the people being stabbed in the eyeballs with the needles by the sort of the deranged mutant psychopath. They're not okay. But also, what he's doing is not okay. That's right. And what's driven him to do it is that he's not okay.

He's not okay as well. Nobody's okay in this movie. And actually, are there so many meanings to this because Steinbeck would love it. He's not okay. The stabbing and the eyeballs is not okay. they're not okay after they've been stabbed but also the film is shot in 4K so it's not

zero K and in Arkansas which is not Oklahoma which is okay yeah yeah wow this might even have more layers than

this if you write it up Andy this could be the great American horror novel it might start a whole genre of things where everything is not okay. But do you think that you would start out the novel

where everything seems like maybe it's okay? Or would you start with the needle eye stab it? I might start with that. And then, oh, I hope he's going to be okay. Not an okay way to make the film. Yeah. It's not okay to show people that, but they straight away.

Yeah. oh yeah i i feel like you could almost a tagline would could be we don't condone this film you know because they're saying it's not okay yeah we don't we want you to know we don't think any of this is is okay you know appropriate behavior yeah and i don't even think making a movie like this is okay imagine if you could um You could make a movie where people are stabbed in the eyeballs with needles in the first scene. But you still maintain the suspense. Yeah, wow.

You know, there's still tension. Because you just have to make it so much more tense further down the track. Well, maybe while they're stamping this person in the eye, there's a rustling in the bushes. and the stabber doesn't investigate so that he can stab whatever's in the bushes in the eye. Yeah. And then the person crawls away and then doesn't get found again. And so now we're like, oh, I wonder if they're going to be okay.

Maybe they're going to be okay. Only one of their eyes are. They're going to get stabbed in the other eye. I just think you were going to say that the guy who goes over into the bushes gets caught by a scarier serial. A scary your eye stabber. Yeah. Yeah, he has rustier needles. Even rustier.

Yeah. So even the villain of the movie. Yeah. He is still, he's in terror. He has to be, he also gets, again, we empathize with, we end up empathizing with him because he has an even worse fate inflicted upon him. and so on and so forth. It's an, it's a iteration film.

Mm. And maybe he's got a mom and she's not nice as well. Oh, so we see her not being nice. Yeah. And, and you see her that even the way that she makes food, it involves like a needle and stabbing and stuff like that. Oh, well, there you go. And she sounds awful.

she sounds so he was justified it is in his eye I think I think you know it's

it's you know it's more not okay because then we're making people empathize with the guy

who's really not okay yeah he's a dirty eye stabber and he is not okay for us to do that You know, see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, that would be the real horror movie, right? Where if everybody who leaves goes out and then stabs people in the eyeballs. Oh. Needles. Yeah. And work here is done. Then we would have to come out and say that we think that that's not okay.

No. You know? And then say, well, yeah. That we made this movie as a cautionary tale. of what happens if you go out and stab people in the eye. And these people have taken the message all wrong. Wrong.

Oh, they misinterpreted the film. Yeah. I think actually the first person to ever perform cataract surgery, I believe, I could be wrong, I believe they did it on themselves. Wow. Okay? And they did it basically by like poking a knee.

into their eye and basically scratching away the lens in some way like we're talking 1800s we're talking um yeah oh man no anesthetic just going in there just couldn't see he was like what have i got to lose what have i got to lose shove a needle into my eyeball scratch away that he must have must have like done the research to be to say okay well well Well, we've looked at the, we've dissected the eyeballs of people with cataracts who died. You can see that the lens is all like cloudy or whatever. You just get that fucked that out of there. Then maybe I'd be able to see and then just did it.

I just don't understand anything to do with eye surgery. It seems crazy. It just looks like an, like egg white. And then if you split it, it'll just be like, oh, no, the yolk is going to pour out. It's like, oh, let's do surgery on this water balloon. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, you just got to take.

We'll just start by just slicing it open. Yeah. And then, oh, yeah, it's fucked. Andy, do you or should we go to... I imagine having stitches on them. Yeah, okay. Three words from a listener. Three words from a listener.

Do you want to try and guess who the listener is today? Bloody go. Lisa Babbage? Lisa Babbage? No? No. Yeah. I don't think that's the case. No, this is, it says here in the email on the message on Patreon from the listener. It says, Hi, Alistair. Kieran McFadgin here. Karen McFadgin. I think that's how he told me to pronounce it. Or McFadzian. And he continues. I would like to send you three words from a listener,

and that listener, I can verify, is Kieran McFadgin, me. Ah, oh. I'm afraid this listener, Kieran McFadgin, has a limited imagination and can only really think of three word names. And then he's given me the three words then. Okay, and you'd like me to guess them. But you're saying that are they names? Is that what you're saying?

Andy, I've given you way more information than I should have. Hadn't read to the end of that part. Okay. Well, then I'm going to say that the first word is Vasili. Vasili. Vasili. That's a really good guess, but I'm sorry, it's Alexander. Oh

Okay, I think I was in the right area So that Greece, you know, Alexander the Great kind of Yeah, that kind of old Yeah Yeah, where the Yeah, like sort of white, whiteish Kind of old, you know, stoic Yeah

Okay, so Alexander Yeah Oh, I wonder if it is a riff on Alexander the Great What if it's Alexander the shit? I'm going to say the second word is The second word, Andy, is The You did it, Andy.

You did it, Andy. You did it. Alexander. I'm going to go shit. I'm going to say, is it Alexander the shit? Right. Here we go. The third word, Andy. Could you get the first, for the first time, two words right? Is that would that be the first time? I'm not sure.

No, maybe not. No, maybe not even. Okay. Could you get three words right? Could this be the first time? Andy, the third word is best. Oh, damn. Yeah. Instead of going for an opposite,

it went for like almost a synonym. Or even better. Yeah, well, I mean, even better, I imagine. Yeah, Alexander the Great. Oh, well, this guy's Alexander the best. I mean, wouldn't that be good if we could go back? We could find his DNA and we could get it and we could do a bit of that sort of DNA whatever

and we could have either we could have a Jurassic Park where it's all Alexander the Great's or we could sell Alexander the Great sperm right

we make it sell it to people so they can have their own Alexander the Great trial and then I have a whole generation of Alexander the Great's

that would be cool to just be able to and like to be able to sell any old DNA, old cunt's DNA. Yes. You know? Yes.

This is the kind of idea that I definitely a bunch of money would come out of the printer if you fed this in. Old cunt's DNA, we type that in. And they go, we get it. Yeah, I mean, yeah, and so then...

Sort of sequels to babies, to famous babies, famous people in history. People love a sequel, they love a reboot. They love the next generation Degrassi Junior High Well You know what if you

This is this is absolutely the future That you're going to be able to like Rebooting the Gras I would like to have I would like to give birth to a Humphrey Bogart And they'll be like We can absolutely do that We're going to give you a boge

We're going to chuck a bogey baby Yeah The bogey baby The boge baby Biggie boy The Boogsta. And then, but then what we, especially with like a lot of these old military legends, right? We'll probably what will happen in the sci-fi story that'll be in our anthology about this is that they'll become a lot more aware.

As the babies grow up and they're just kind of normal people, they'll discover that like, that actually like a lot of sort of, you know, being a great military general back in a day there was a lot of like Nepo babies because you're often you're often just like the son of the king

or whatever and actually and and he was and that the probably like the level is in that high just because there's just not

that many people that get to you know like control huge armies they don't get that many opportunities and you're probably not that many people

are that. driven to get super good. Yeah. Like, I mean, maybe like a... So he was like, you know, he was good in context or he was relatively good. Yeah. Or even he was just fortunate and things played out in his favour. Exactly.

I think we could find a way in which we could look over history and find out in which way each one of these wins was a fluke. Sure. But what about Humpherson? I mean, I think a movie... I mean, that's a sure thing. Yeah, I mean, that's a sure thing. You got yourself a, a, a, sure thing, like, the return on investment because of how, how sure it is that he's going to be a movie star. Yeah.

Even though, you never see men that look anything close to that anymore. Yeah. You know, he'd be buffed. What was that? Was that just all the smoking? I don't know, yeah. Made him look like that? I don't know.

I just don't think you see guys that are that are not... Like, there's less guys that are not sort of Hollywood-level hot. Got it. Yeah, just like chisels. Yeah. Ripped. Yeah. Could be on the cover of men's health.

And I'm not talking about Sasha Baron Cohen. Oh. Did you see him? That guy. Did you see him on the cover? Yeah. That was weird. Yeah, I saw how...

How glistening. It was... It was the most divorced photo I've ever seen. It was like, I've never seen anybody look so recently divorced. Well, it can't be that recent because of how Ripty's got, you know? Yeah. Like, there's got to be a bit of a buffer. Okay, before you can really see the divorce coming through.

That's true. You can see the divorce bulging through the skin. Yeah, that's right. He had to... The rippling divorce. Yeah. He dehydrated himself so that you could see all the alimony. I don't know what alimony is.

It's the money that you get in. But, yeah, but also, but like not just to do that to your body, but then to sit for the photo and then to be like, yes, you can put this on the front cover of your magazine. This is how I wanted to know, though, yeah. Yeah. I don't want to be known anymore as one of the most groundbreaking and influential comedians

ever right? Which I think is fair to say to him like he did... It really did stuff that nobody else had done in that way and did it really, really well Yeah, we're all fucked in the end. No one actually

I just want people to see me as real fucking buff, real mussely. I actually think, because I think he's probably going into Marvel, right? I think that's probably what it is. Right. But I genuinely think that the way that all of these, like, huge dignified actors have been sucked into that world, that universe,

I think it would have been more dignified for them to do porn, I think, to, like, start only fans. I think that this is so much more of a selling out of everything that they Yeah, okay Yep So you think I don't know

I just This is Patrick Stewart I think it's so stupid It's so stupid to see like a you know Like a Merrill Streep or something like that putting on a like a Magneto helmet or something Yeah, it's like she doesn't want to do this

She's doing it Of course she's doing it This is basically the only work there is No Well, it's the only work there is If you have to be paid $20 million to do a movie That's right, yeah

If you're Which, you know, that's what these people have to be paid That's what they need That's what they need to be paid Their life has a doubt adapted to that wealth. They actually... What about their expenses?

You've got to think of their expenses. Yeah. All their... They got all those expenses to feed. And they're supplementing their tequila companies. They need that money to help subsidize. God, I hope their tequila companies don't need to be subsidized. All of them have a dependent, and that dependent is a tequila company.

Yeah, or some English soccer company. club. Yeah. Won't somebody think of the English soccer clubs? Yeah. All right. I will take us through the ideas. What was our idea? I forgot what the idea was just said. Oh, we just went on and on, didn't we? No, I know, but wait. Maybe we didn't come up with an idea. People in the eyeball.

That wasn't that one, because that's actually the last one I wrote down. Oh, no, it was Alexander. Oh, it was a new baby. It was having sequels to babies, having the DNA of famous people from history, being able to have it as a baby. I'm sure they're doing this, but they will be applying these large learning models to genomes to people's DNA and learning, getting a computer where you can type in the type of person that you want, and it will use large learning models to generate the DNA. off that person from all human DNA and then and then we just need to be able to print it out and then we'll be truly be able to have whatever we want imagine how the level that a kid that is made from Alexander the great DNA by some billionaire whatever the amount of disappointment

that that they would experience from their parent when they just just like achieve things at a regular human level yeah yeah no that would be a great disappointment that would be a great that'll be a great point

in that in that sci-fi story that we'll have in the in the anthology yeah yeah yeah I'm just I'm not seeing any enthusiasm from you about this anthology

I don't think I've even been listening to the bits where you've said anthology I'm sorry, Alastair, if I've not been... I mean, I at least showed a little bit of enthusiasm for doing actual sketches, which I would love to do. Yes, great. No, let's do an anthology. I mean, you know, all I want to do is anthology. All I want to do.

I'm just writing one story. I just want to anthologize. I just want to anthologize? Well, if you want to anthology, then I guess we'll do it, Andy. Okay, good. No, I'm sorry. Man, what's fucked is that the really short ones are going to be the hardest one story. Oh, what about this?

Okay. Oh, his butt had gotten huge. If only he could relax. He can comfort wear. There you go. Comfortware 2000. Oh, you did it. You made it sci-fi.

Make your butt. Small with new pants. Oh, it's a guy. He's wearing such tight shapewear on his butt. His butt actually becomes a diamond. The man with the diamond ass. That's right. And then.

He just cutting his hair that he sits on. Yeah. Sits on a lot of glass chair. Who scratched up my chair with their ass? The pub owner would say. A rock hard butt, this guy's butt is even harder. Yeah. He's the highest level on the Mo's scale of hardness.

And they send him up into space to help cut through an asteroid that is heading towards. They fire him up butt first. Well, they get him up there and they just saw him back and forth, holding his arms and legs. Oh, God. And they groaned him. butt up against their thing, and they cut through that dense metal. Yeah.

Oh, it's a metal asteroid. Yeah, you know those ones, like, I'm picturing like that version of them once they've, they've already, they're in the ground, and then they've kind of become this incredibly, like, dense thing. So I'm picturing that this was one that had landed on another planet, and then that star had exploded, and then they got shot out again. Sure. And then it was about to go for a second hardening, but luckily.

thanks to this man's bat, diamond butt they were able to cut half and then just push the two bits apart and it missed the earth love it yeah

love it all right Andy I'll take us to his picture it is hmm by the way have you ever heard that thing from Ben Affleck where he's doing like

a commentary for Armageddon and he's basically he's like and then he's like I mean I's I thought thought this movie was so stupid. You know, he's in it, right?

And he goes, I remember saying to the director, wait, you're trying to tell me that it's easier to train a bunch of miners to fly in space and land on a thing on an asteroid than it is to teach a bunch of, like, astronauts, how to drill? That's ridiculous. And he goes, shut up. that's good yeah

alright uh i think this is i think this is margarine that's the new i know it was an off pot idea but you know uh then we've got old hologram

we remake uh star wars with the old holograms um and uh and and it's really good it's just a reboot they might also animate them

i'm not sure we got uh who d has a finger we've got the uh billionaires tell us all to get into a big hole because it's basically done for us and so we do everybody else gets into a big hole and we start pulling dirt over ourselves we have the the only billionaires future utopia yeah yeah we got walking into an underground car park with a flagpole and hitting

yourself in the nut I mean that that's idea if if if um I think you should leave did already exist and coffin flop hadn't already been made it would be great to do a sketch that was a TV show that just compiles the best flagpole holder accident yeah absolutely

then we got oh I wonder whether you could get a flag a person wearing a flagpole holder hanging upside down at the top of a flagpole that somebody else is holding in a flagpole holder I'm going to call Sir Gilles Because I feel like that's

Like they only really have like 20 tricks that they can do And then they try to put it into a story But I think this is a new trick I think the art of flagpole holding I don't think that they do that in CERC Do you think that anybody in the like in the Cirque to CERC just a like creative department You know in the back rooms

you know, working there on the stories has ever said, I tell you what, I feel like I'm the real contortionist the way I got to fucking bend over backwards to find another way to incorporate a guy in a big metal wheel spinning around.

I think he does. This should be the circus. Yeah. This should be the show. I will call it officia. And it's just me in here trying to come up with cool ways to get a trapeze artist to

to dangle upside down and it'd be relevant it's relevant yes the way that trapeze artist dangled upside down it was so relevant it was so relevant to what everything else that was going on stand and applaud at the relevance okay then we've got the

sprinting parade for IBS oh yeah you know how you're saying there's toilets at the other end I like to think that it's a big game of musical toilets and then you get to the end and there's only, like, let's say there's 20, IBS sufferers, but there's only 19 toilets. I think the weakest and most disabled one will have to miss out. Do you think? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, maybe.

Do you think that's how it would go in this awful. game. I hate to save. And then every time each round happens, they take away some guy comes and he carries away a big porter loot. You can hear one of the... One of the toilets is...

And he's carrying. He's a big strong man. Oh, he sounds great. Yeah. And then we've got combined dog racing and human racing. And then we have Not Okay, the horror film. That involves a lot of stab

in the eye and then we've got these new company famous people DNA um yeah

reboot babies the star is reborn that's what we'll call our star is reborn it's a bit long but it's fine sorry

that's okay I like it Andy let's go into the song let's go let's go yipa o'te i upa o'te

he upa o'te shakadaga shakadaka yeah thank you so much for listening to two in the think tank show where we come up

with our sketch ideas good people good people all of you kind patient patient loving

caring non-judgmental you don't think that you don't think that you don't think that Al is stupid I love all that Um, Alistair, did you want to foreshadow something?

Well, I, okay, so next week I think I'm going to, or this week, I'm probably going to find the way of doing the selling the hats to fundraise for the trip to the 500th episode. And so I will either, I think I will do it as like a GoFundMe, but then the donations can just be an amount to go for the hat. And then, and then the, the, the, other thing is that we're going to do a live show next uh we we've got the date wait what was the date i think i've got it here i'll go the 11th i think it is the 11th of october it'll be at stupid old studios now known as humdinger studios and we're going to do a live show probably i think about midday midday you think you can get there midday andy i reckon i can do it and we'll record it it it could be the first and only maybe live show will

ever do. So, um, we would hope that people would come. It'll be like... Could be the first episode we've done in many, many years when one of us hasn't been supposed to be asleep. That's right. That's right. And, and, but maybe we should be asleep at that time at midday anyway, because we need to catch up. But, so we're going to let you know, if you guys want to do that, we can, if you want to come, please do. And, um, then we can do that. And then the week after we'll be the 500th episode on the, on the, on the, on the, the Sunday. On the Sunday, the 18th, whatever, or the 17th, I think.

Very cool. Oh, my gosh. Very cool. You believe it. So many things happening, everybody. It will be Sunday the 19th of October, Australian time, Melbourne time. That's right. That's right.

All right. I'm going to get going. It's been a joy speaking to all of you. We love you. Thank you. Bye. Thank you. Bye. Oh, Mike. ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's the show that we recommend.

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