Two In The Think Tank - 49 - "Frontiers in Tourism"

Episode Date: October 3, 2016

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Gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, gug, I'm Andy Matthews. And I'm Alistair Trombley-Burgel, and welcome. We will be leading you through the conversation. We'll try not to explain too many things along the way about what we're talking about, but just try to follow what we're saying and things like that. I mean, it'd be so hard to kind of explain what I'm saying while I'm saying it. So if you are capable of following along the conversation. Are you talking to me? No, no, no.

I'm just talking to the listener. Okay, right. Yeah. So if you're capable of following along and, you know. Listening. And listening. You don't need to explain what I'm saying. That's the best.

Because, I mean, okay. Later on, we could record a director's cut like a director's sort of commentary commentary explaining what we're saying what we're saying

yeah but basically what we'll be using is we'll be using sort of words yeah words and sort of grammar and syntax

and combining the words together to create sort of sentences and concepts sentences which represent ideas

ideas so yeah there won't be any kind of pictures or anything like that and we're not going to be slowing down to explain to you

like how the concepts work within you know and the grammar and the conjunctions and that sort of thing within the words yeah

and like you know if you're like me you know you might have to go and to a dictionary.com and check out what conjunctures mean yep later but just don't stop while the podcast is rolling just go go go go go um if

a sentence is is a little little bit complicated for you maybe just write it down write it down yeah okay but just know that while you're writing it down you're gonna be saying something else saying other things and then you'll lose that so So how many sentences do you want to lose? Exactly. You're missing out on, I guess, other stuff. You can't always pause, though, as well. Yeah, which is fine. We would recommend that.

Or stop listening entirely. Yeah, well, I mean, maybe after this little thing that we've just done, maybe you will. Maybe you will. Maybe you have already. If this is the first time you're listening, I mean, I don't know. Almost certainly. Why would you want to continue? This is actually

the first time I'm listening, and I'm on the podcast. Yeah, and I would never listen. I've not tuned into anything we've said during or after. I do. I keep coming in and out. I keep coming in and out. Now's the time when I'm in because I'm like, oh, I like this guy. He's got a good voice and all that kind of stuff like that. But then I have a feeling we're about to fade out again. I'm thinking in and out. Now's the time when I'm in because I'm like, oh, I like this guy. He's got a good voice and all that kind of stuff like that.

But then I have a feeling I'm about to fade out again. Yeah, yeah. I'm thinking about something else. Yeah. I know what you're saying and I feel like... Alistair. Yeah? I'm just checking that you're paying attention.

That's just... Yeah. All right. So, we're going to try and come up with five sketch ideas. Look, how about someone in an important position? Okay, sort of like sitting. Sitting is an important position. It's very important.

Why isn't there a national sitting day? Why don't we just... I mean, I feel like sitting gets a bad rap. Yeah. Standing is in right now. People are saying sitting is the new sugar. Yeah. Or smoking.

Yeah, it's the new smoking sugar. It's all things that begin with S. Oh my God, what if it's all things that begin with S? What? Smoking, sitting, sugar. I have, oh, look at it. Oh, sweeping could be next. What's next?

Sex? Sex, singing. Singing. Sinning. Mmm. Stevedores. Do you think Jesus actually said that we're all singers? Yes.

Yeah. Yes. And he was the original sing coach. Singing coach. He'd come to help us. He died for our sings. He was not very good at pronouncing words words but also not very good at constructing sentences yeah but you know that was the education back in those days yeah you know bad

we're all singers yeah every that kind of is the philosophy i think of a lot of these talent shows you know that you've got it inside you. You just have to, I guess, let it out. Absolutely. You're born a singer, and that's kind of true with babies, are better at using their voices more efficiently than adults are, who later on can't quite scream without damaging and shit like that. I don't know if you've ever learned anything about Alexander technique, but they talk about

stuff like that. Is that a thing? I think so. Babies are better at screaming. I guess babies don't get nodules. And they scream a lot. I've never seen a baby with a nodule. Really? I mean, I've seen a baby with a module. Oh yeah? I don't know why I said that.

This is what I do. I just find words that sound like each other. Words that say singing, sinning. Sinning. Module, nodule. Yeah. Yeah, look. It's not the most complicated comedy type, but it keeps things moving.

It's there. And don't make me have to explain them because I can't go back now. We've already explained them. We can't go back to explaining. What were we saying right before I said the sinners thing? It's about Jesus. No, it was pre-Jesus. Pre-Jesus.

Wow. So this is BC. Yeah, this is BC. This is like Athens was booming. Things like that. Plato, Socrates, the other guy. It's amazing that Christianity went from nothing, right? And then like a couple of hundred years later, bloody emperor of bloody Rome converts.

Yeah. I mean, that is... But was he, that was when he, it was like one of the Germanic tribes guys, right? Oh, could have been. Yeah, I think maybe like they got him out of some, you know, German tribe. They got him out of one of them.

Yeah, they went, all right, you're in. You're the emperor now, all right right what do you reckon about christianity look i don't remember i think i just remember he's like their sister or their wife's sister or something their wife kind of converted him to christianity but like it's you know it's very big it's it's i mean it would have been great to get the emperor on board right for christianity that was a huge boon that's like having kim kard Kim Kardashian tweet about your push-up bra or something, I imagine. Absolutely,

but they didn't give them the story they were giving everybody else. They were like, you're like the voice to God, like you're talking to God or you're like the most important person.

Yeah, right. So, you know, the peasants weren't getting that story. They're not like, hey, you're the fucking best Mr. Peasant, Mr. Sweep-a-Lot.

Yeah. Well, I mean, you probably... It's like when they got 50 Cent to be the voice of nutrient water, right? Yeah. They gave him 50% of the stock in that company, and then that stock was bought out by Coca-Cola. That company was bought by Coca-Cola, and he made hundreds of millions of dollars.

Well, I think that's what the emperor... The emperor, in many ways, was the 50 cent of his time. Which, 50 cents back then would have been a lot of money. Yeah. I'm sorry. No, no, that's okay, Alistair. But, yeah, but, you know, it's like a celebrity endorsement. He would have been a real scout, real coup.

Real coup to get the emperor on board. I mean, it was like a... You're trying to get a new product. You're trying to push a new type of sandal. Well, I mean, you know, that was the marriage of church and state. I mean, I guess at the time there was just church. Back in the day, there was just church, right? And so... Do you believe in the marriage of church and state?

I believe marriage is an institution between a man and a woman. No, well, it is now. I mean, they only changed that recently. Yeah, it used to be church and state. Yeah, it used to just be church and state. Twitter church and estate. And then it was just two people

marrying each other's estates in many ways. And a church. And then often someone would build a church on that estate. Yeah. Oh, what are we doing, Alistair? I think... Yeah. I think there's a sketch potentially in early Christians or some religion. I'm not going to say Christianity.

Yeah. Trying to get... They're working out... That is a good get, like getting the emperor. Yeah. Maybe we do like a Silicon Valley style kind of show okay right but set in the early days of christianity right yeah where they're sitting around in a room they're brainstorming ideas they're really fun you know shooting back and forth a lot of swearing yeah

you know and they fuck the the fucking uh what were the zoroastrians yeah uh they've undercut us in this area, right? They've gone in and they've got the first mover advantage, okay? And they've done a partnership with so-and-so. That's good, yeah. I like that. Well, we call it the Cradle of Civilization. Wait, no, wait.

That's where the barbarians were coming out of. Yeah, well, I'm wrong about that then. And I started writing Cradle of Civilization. Oh, dear. Okay, wait. It's religion, Christi. Yeah, as a startup, right? Maybe, is Christ in there or is Christ just gone, right?

Oh, this is way after Christ. This is hundreds of years, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been like 200 years? When did the... Because didn't the Roman Empire go for roughly 700 years or something? Very long time, Alistair. Like, that's too long.

Yeah? Yeah, I reckon. You think that's too long? Well, how long did the empires go for these days? How long did the British Empire go for? A couple hundred years. A couple hundred. That's nothing. If that? A couple hundred years. A couple hundred. That's nothing.

If that. A couple hundred? That's pretty good. No, yeah. I mean, that's still pretty good. That's better than I thought. Well, I mean, would you say it started sort of around the time maybe of Queen Elizabeth or something like that?

The first? Look, you know what? I don't know anything about British. I don't know anything about British. I don't know anything about anything else, dear. I don't know anything about British I don't know anything about anything Alistair I just sort of speculate I just try and make connections based on things I've read

in Asterix comics and then I try and add it together with a bit of stuff I've got out of Tintin and then maybe some stuff I've learned from watching Blackadder and then I try and cobble together knowledge an approximation of knowledge and then I try and cobble together knowledge, an approximation

of knowledge. And then I say it on the podcast. You and me both, Andy. You and me fucking both. And look, I think that's funny. I definitely think. And I think that that's a genuinely good show idea. Yeah, there could be a whole show.

A whole bloody show. I particularly like the bit with the swearing. Yeah. I like that. It's a whole show yeah a whole bloody show i particularly like the bit with the swearing oh yeah i like that's a really good addition yeah and they're swearing oh and maybe at some point look at look i don't know were there any christian monks yeah because they're the ones that invented beer right yeah oh we'll get some of that in there yeah and they're swearing they're drinking you know they're fucking off the Zoroastrians. Christ, there's bloody water in the wine, mate. Yeah, just crossed it for me. That's probably what they were trying to do.

They were trying to just reverse engineer that thing. They were like, how the fuck did he do that? We've got water in a beer. We've got water in a beer. First we've got honey into mead. It's not just water. We had to chuck a bit of stuff in there. I put some yeast in there. It's not just water We had to chuck a bit of stuff in there I'll put some yeast in there

It's just water It's just water It's just water And yeast And hops And sugar And sugar But just water

Mostly And how dumb are people who So dumb Who are Who like try to Find or build Noah's Ark. Someone's just built one. Someone just built one like a month ago.

It just got opened up. I think it was an Australian bloke. Yeah, it's that guy at the Creation Museum. I mean, it's huge. It looks very impressive. It's so dumb. It's like the biggest wooden structure in the world or something. Is it?

I mean, it's funny. I know, but... And if he'd done it for... Just look at this big boat I built. Yeah. I'd probably be really impressed. That's actually more... Do you reckon it has a gift shop?

Well, I mean, why would you build one of these things if you're not going to have a gift shop? I mean, and... You could sell so many plush animals well two of every two of two of every kind every person you're stocking the gift shop at the noah's you're ordering it in you're not going to order two of every kind you're going to order you're going to want to order like 10 no probably 50 of every kind you just sell everything in pairs yeah you know that way even if people wants one you, I'm sorry, you can only get them in two.

Like shoes. I mean, you've got a very valid reason. I mean, your whole belief system is based on two. Yeah, you're going to want to get a couple of them. Yeah. But people have to stop with this kind of like trying to scientifically prove the magic things. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a very strange very strange idea that we're... They're just co-opting the idea of science, aren't they? I don't know why you're using... You think science is so great? Check this out. Use science for this.

It's so crazy. It's to go Oh, you think you're so good with your science? Well, you know what else is also true? Supernatural things. Let me prove it to you using science. Bam. You can even have it proven to you with science. Like that.

The thing you love. The thing you love. Oh, I'll show you. And then they don't use it right, but they still go, see? See? Science.

Look at this evidence. I've done engineering calculations, and if we use laminated pine, you can actually build a boat big enough to have everything on it. Everything. And I worked out exactly how big it should be to have every animal. Like, how? All right, let's move beyond this.

Yeah, this just seems to be making you angry, Alistair. I know. That's fine. It's, you be making you angry, Alistair. I know. That's fine. You know what? My emotions don't matter. It doesn't matter if I was angry. I'll just get over it later. That's what I've learned about life.

Is that your philosophy at the moment? It's mostly been like that. What do you do when you get angry? Do you have coping strategies? Yeah, but I just know that everything will be fine eventually, not too distant future. I don't have a stressful, very tough life or anything like that, although it will be bad when I run out of rent money.

How long have you got at the moment? I've got until December. Oh, that's... Almost too long. That's ages. Yeah, I mean, something's bound to come up by then. Are you likely to run out of food money before then? You know how you're supposed to...

If you're lost in the desert, you die of dehydration before you die of starvation. I thought you died of sleep deprivation first. But I guess you could just go to sleep. There's plenty of sleep in the woods. Turns out it's boredom. You die of boredom first. I mean, dehydration is bad, but there's just not that much stuff in the desert.

Not even a glass of water to keep you entertained. You know, sometimes you get so bored out there. You get so bored out there. You get so bored, you start to just smash your head against things just to keep yourself interested. Could you... Entertain. You get under... Put on a little show.

This is one of the leading... You get lost in the nullabore, right? They say, don't leave your car. Well, that's because that's where the radio is. And there might be a book in that little pocket behind the driver's seat anything, reading material stay close

or if you have like a stick that's why people write help in the sand just to have something to read you just gotta create entertainment SOS, write that on the ground whatever it means You just kind of want... You just got to create entertainment. SOS, write that on the ground. Whatever it means.

Try to come up with different things that that could stand for. Yeah. Sausage over sausage. And then sort of picture... Don't let your mind go blank. Yes. That's why Buddha's dead. All the big meditators died. That's why Buddha's dead. Yeah. That isitators died. That's why Buddha's dead.

Yeah. That is why. He let his mind go to blank. Exactly. Can't go empty. Because you need your mind to still continue functioning. You can't run on nothing to keep your heart going. I think a sketch involving advice to travelers, right?

People about to set out driving across the Nullarbor or the Simpson Desert or do you know any other deserts? Sahara. Sahara, yeah. Is that in Australia? I'll have to Google it. Yeah. Well, you've got to be alert for boredom.

Early warning signs of boredom. A lot of people, it's really tragic, a lot of people lost in the desert, they actually start playing I Spy. They start playing I Spy because they're very bored. There's nothing else to do. They think this will be entertaining. That's the thing. There's just not that much to see in the desert, right?

And it actually makes it worse. Yeah. It's like drinking salt water. I spy is actually more boring than doing nothing. More boring than doing nothing. So, you know. That is, yeah. It is.

It's the drinking salt water of, you know. Because, you know, you're surrounded by it. There's always like, you know, oh, at some point you're going, oh, I spy something that starts with A and then you go, is it air again? Yes. You know? Yeah, you got to think of something else to do.

Please, like, okay, here's some ideas. You know, maybe have you ever, you know, it's a drinking game. That drinking will, you know. If you have alcohol or something to drink, that's perfect. game If you have alcohol That's perfect It helps you live in the moment And just

Be entertained by simpler things Yes Maybe Talk about a time from your childhood When you feared for your life Yeah With the people you're with. Tell,

don't tell each other about your dreams. That's another thing again. Yeah, yeah. Because, you know, in the desert, a lot of the time, that's all you have. You know?

Just you're left with your dreams. Your dreams. Don't tell anyone about that. Well, you know, you want to, you want to, you know, you want to own a hot dog van.

That kind of thing. Yeah. Your dreams. Yeah. I mean, I could imagine there's a real gap in the market for a hot dog van on the Nullarbor. There's a lot of gaps. The Nullarbor, it sounds like an indigenous word, but it's not. No?

It's just, it's Latin for no just um it's latin for no trees null arbor oh null arbor so we're kind of saying it wrong right yeah it's not nullable yeah it's null we've sort of said it this is exactly the kind of boring conversation that leads to so many deaths i think what what if it's i know i know this isn't quite what we were saying but like what if it's for the situation where like you've got lots of food you're lost in the desert you got lots of food you got heaps of water the next biggest cause of death is boredom well i mean you know it's not crazy to think it's not crazy it's not crazy to think... It's not crazy. It's not crazy to think that our generation has been brought up with so much entertainment... Constant stimulation.

Constant stimulation that maybe the body isn't capable of withstanding less stimulation. So, if they start going down that path, you know, obviously it's the highway that goes across the Nullarbor, is the path. They could lead to sort of under-entertainment. You ever driven across the desert? You ever driven across the Nullarbor? No. You ever caught the Ghan? The Ghan? Is it the Ghan?

I think that's the north-south one, maybe the Ghan. Could be across the Nullarbor, though. Could be across the Nullarbor. Could be across the Nullarbor, which is Latin for no good. I know a guy who rode his bike. Really? Yeah, I rode... A guy who rode his bike?

Yeah, but along that road. That's actually a stupid idea. Yeah, well, he... I used to work with him at Night Fill at the Woolworths. Oh, I can see. And he was like, oh, I'm just going to go do this. I'm so... I'm fucking crazy, man.

I'm fucking crazy. I need to get out and just be with my thoughts. I can imagine that night fill at Woolworths is the kind of thing that would drive you to something like that. Yeah. I think this guy had something else going on. But he used to just talk about how he just tries to do exercise. And he would do loads of weights to just try to make himself feel good i realized now that he probably just had depression like but anyway he and so he one day

he flew him and his bike over to perth and then he rode back and it took him like three months or two and a half months and he did it and he did it but he said it was like like it might be worse oh no he's like sometimes I'd you know like one day I was just so fucking just I just rode 200k's in a day

you know and I went into a roadhouse and I just cried and then the woman was like yeah I see guys who are attempting this do

do that a lot oh is there a sketch in that what about a roadhouse along a big long stretch of road yes I always thought Is there a sketch in that? What about a roadhouse along a big, long stretch of road? Yes. I always thought that... Sorry, I don't know if you were going somewhere with that. No, no, no.

I mean, I'm just thinking like it's like a diner, kind of roadhouse-y type thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it feels like it's a good setting for a sketch. It's a great setting for a sketch. My one comedy thought with regards to that sort of thing is where you see the signs that say like next services

1,000 kilometres or something. Have you got fuel next service this far away? If I owned a little roadhouse, I wouldn't care how far away the next services was. I'd just chuck up one of those signs. Just say.

Next services. 500. 4.8 light years away. You bloody want to stock up, mate. You better buy all your cheese here. Yeah, cheese. You know, you're going to be a long time before you can get cheese again. You love cheese, don't you?

People love cheese. No cheese. There's no cheese until cool and bitchy. 4.8 years. Going at the speed of light. You're going 100. Just think about it. Just think about it.

Stock up on cheese, fuel, all that. Yeah. Maybe even have a sleep. What about... Maybe get a Game Boy. What about this idiot, right? This idiot, he's driving past that sign,

right? 4.8. No, well, this is just a legitimate one. Next service is 450 kilometres, right? Driving past it, right?

He's like, no, I reckon I can make it. And then he runs out of petrol like 200 metres down the road. He's just such an idiot. He's just... He's just... He's looking down. The red light's on. The fuel light is on. He looks up at the road. He's just such an idiot. He's just looking down. The red light's on.

The fuel light is on. He looks up at the sign. I'll just give it a go. I'll just try it. I reckon I can push it. I reckon I can make it. I reckon I can make it. I'll just coast down the hills.

Oh, I reckon... There's always more in the tank, isn't there? Yeah, yeah. That light's on, but... And he makes the 4.8 light years. Yeah, he just ekes it out. Alpha Centauri century I did it I reckon I can make it

look I think there's something funny in that just that guy yeah I like that I don't know how we put that context is it just a guy who always reckons he can make it but is there anything

else where you like run out of stuff like petrol like petrol well i guess you could run out of water and food and entertainment am i right um look i'm gonna write down guy who sees, even if it's like 1,000 or like 400 kilometers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, indeed. I think, you know, it's a moment. If that's a sketch, Alistair, it's a bloody short one. It's a nano. If you're making something that's Australia-themed, distant themes, It's all about being in, you know, out in open space.

We could do a thing about it. That's about, you know... About open space. About open space. About, you know, the isolation. Yeah. You know, and the delusion that comes with that, like this man.

What about... He's run out of petrol, 200 metres outside of town. He's just left town, run out of petrol. Right? He's caught in a bind, right? Because he could walk back. He's just left town to run out of petrol. He's caught in a bind because he could walk back. He's certainly within walking back distance. But the closer you are, the more feasible it is to walk back,

the more embarrassing it is to have to walk back. So he's sort of caught in that little thing. The further you are. The further you are, the less embarrassing it is. Yep. Right? But the harder. So it's hard for different reasons so do you think maybe this is probably a point okay so maybe maybe some of this guy is driven by pride and is maybe his wife is in the car yes he goes are you gonna stop he goes no we can make it like that and then he

goes like 200 meters down the road. Yeah. And then it runs out of petrol. And he's not. And she goes, well, now let's just go back there. And he goes, no. And he starts pushing it. And he starts pushing it the 400 kilometers.

He looks back. Sign's just there. Stubborn. Look, now it's about. Even you just get the lead from the petrol station. It pretty much reaches the hose. Yeah. Just not quite.

And then a truck pulls over, like a big road train. Yeah. He's like, need a lift, mate? Where are you heading? We go, next petrol station. He goes, get in. Get in. And then he comes back.

He's got a little can. A little can. A tiny little one. He's only a little can. A little can. A tiny little one. He's only going to make it another 200 metres. That's a tiny can. That's a pretty silly size for that can, Alistair. Well, it's just a can. It's an empty can of Coke.

It's a Coke can. It's a Coke can. Bloody hell. He's truly unprepared for this. But I feel like that's the power of being stubborn towards somebody that you married that I'm guessing maybe you shouldn't have married. Yeah, I mean, there's deeper issues. Yeah, and that's what it's really about.

It's about relationships. And they're all great sketches, like that one with the desert. Is it about the man who has a relationship with the desert? Yeah. All their sketches, this is going to be a full desert desert thing desert thing thing thing um ah the open road a guy who just loves the open road just freedom just you know just the wind in your hair just a smell of pine needles in your nostrils you, and just nothing but you and the open road.

The roar of your hog, six cylinders just pounding away down there, and just you and just the land unfolding in front of you and just those rolling hills and the sun and the moon. The sun shining off the glistening hillbillies. Glistening off the foreheads of the hillbillies. The poor bastards have to work in these fucking shit holes. You just roar past them. The open road.

Can't wait to get out of here nothing nothing but you and the suckers who have to live in those towns that you just

roar through opening up the throttle you couldn't get out of there fast enough I just love to just take that baby out there

and just not stop not just cruise past some losers just think about how awful it would be to just have to live out there and just... Not stop. No, just cruise past some losers. Just think about how awful it would be to just have to live in these places with the low unemployment. There's poverty tourism.

Ice addictions. Poverty tourism's a thing. Is it? Well, in a way. Like you go to India and stuff, then they give you tours of slums. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you go check it out and you're like,

oh, their life's so bad. Oh, look at all these pooing in the street. Do you think we could do that with wealth tourism? Just go around Turak and just be like, look at these rich fuckers.

Just, just, uh... Look how, look how, imagine how rich this guy is. You just do a, a van, a van, a shitty van, a minibus, right? You just, just host, just do abuse tours of just the biggest houses

and you just get some... You charge two bucks a ticket and you just get some lower middle class people. You just go around and you just... And just give the finger, flip the bird off. These are some fantastic places to just give the bird. Allowing people to stick their asses at the van window. Yeah, allowing them.

We've got a perfect window. The van doesn't even have windows. We've knocked them out. The van's been set up with harnesses and things like that so that you actually can hang your ass. You actually just strap yourself in, your ass is just out there. We've done all the work It's perfectly safe The seatbelts and stuff are all

done and you can just moon your way around. We've got sort of They're not sunroofs but they're kind of like they're sort of windows that are up above so that you can sort of spit in the air and land on any kind of nice cars that are on the street

Look I like it any kind of nice cars that are on the street. Yeah. Look, I like, it's kind of fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you, rich people tourism. Yeah. Yeah. Because, you know, in Hollywood, you can go and do a tour of the stars' homes. The rich and famous. But these aren't famous people.

These aren't famous, these. The rich and famous. But these aren't famous people. These aren't famous, these are just rich. These are people who just had privileged upbringing, maybe one of their family members along the way sort of had stocks in Johnson & Johnson. If you could find specifically

just the people with just the inherited wealth. Oh, that'd be great. Just the trust funds and you'd just go. Oh, that'd be so good. And because, I mean, I guess

personally they probably don't want abuse, but deep down they know that they're... Well, that's in a way the only thing they've earned. So they probably appreciate it deep down. They're like, oh, this is something that I got myself. Do you think that they would almost like it? Because maybe they feel

guilty. Do you think any of them feel guilty for being rich? Or maybe they even like being hated. Maybe they feel good about it, not even in feel guilty for being or maybe they even like being hated you know maybe they feel good about it not even guilty like they're better well then everyone is a winner oh what about so then maybe you know just in case you also run a sort of complimenting tour that you know just goes around for people who don't want to yell at rich people but just kind of want to go oh you guys are great and you really deserve this and we oh that's a really nice home i'm sure you work very hard i know you're home right now but i reckon you probably worked really late last night you're probably going to go in on the weekend as well aren't you i think look just based on your tone we're going to have to also run a sarcastic one which sounds like you're being

nice but you are kind of being a bit facetious yeah yeah so you know there's that option for people who hate but don't want to hate too sort of obviously yeah so anyway we've got three tours of tour rack tours you can put them all in the van and same bus same bus just different different sections triple decker triple decker okay i mean i thought it's it's just a long bus you could have the walls and no no you're right you're wrong yeah i guess it would require sort of i mean you don't want all these people mixing it's hard you have to give them all blazers or something like that it's like an old ocean liner. Oh, yeah.

Like the Titanic? Are there other boats like the Titanic that kind of... No. What do you mean? Like, just that thing where you... It had a sister ship called Gigantic or something like that. Or the Really Big. I think it was called

the Really Big. A gigantic or something like that. Or the really big. I think it was called the really big. The huge. Do you think it would have... Titanic. Would have been as big a deal if it had been called the huge? I think they would have been happy to see it go.

Yeah? Yeah. I think like, you know... I mean, loss of life is never nice, but you kind of, you know, they made that decision to go on a boat called the Huge. I mean, like, what's the sort of the huge equivalent of that sort of, like, the Titanic? Is it like the huge-ess? You want to try and make it sound a bit classier?

No, because Titanic is like saying it has the property of being like a titan. Oh, I see. Yeah. So. Humongous? Is that? Well, I mean, yeah, I guess. Is that part of huge?

I don't know humungous i mean it's like hume anyway is that humungous or humungous or mung there's not a lot english words that have mung in there no mung bean obviously Obviously. Among. Amongst. Oh, amongst. Yeah, there's amongst and mung. Mung is actually amongst amongst, isn't it? That's true.

Yeah. I mean, you can't say amongst without saying mung. Mung is amongst. Is a pretty cool sentenced. Sentenced. Oh dear. Look, it's not even late. It's not even late, Alistair. The podcast people don't know what time it is.

But we've gone down a... I mean, we've gone in a mung hole. We've found ourselves down another munghole. We'll get a bit lost. Yeah, it's okay. Look, it's my fault. It's the same thing with my thing, with this sinner singer kind of thing. Yeah, that's no good.

But sometimes you just have to have a get out. You know, Twitter has never made a profit. It doesn't surprise me. It's never made a profit It doesn't surprise me It's never turned a profit But Twitter is one of the ones where the advertising Seems to make more sense You know Why's that?

Well you search for The tweets, advertising tweets sort of go in there They can just promote tweets from different Services and that sort of thing If you search for a particular term Then they can bring up promoted tweets about that. It's not just, here's an ad from Facebook. The pitch to salespeople isn't that good now

that you can see the statistics of your tweets. Do you think that's it? Well, it's because the interaction is so low. Like, the engagement is so, so low. So going like, hey, advertise on our thing. Roughly 1% of people will click on your thing. Maybe less. Is that all internet advertising?

I was wondering if that's why, like, do you think internet advertising is just total bullshit, right? And that is why companies like Google and Facebook and that sort of thing are trying to now, like, move into making hardware? Like, Facebook wants to make Oculus Rift and that sort of thing. Google wants to make Google Cars. You know, they're trying to broaden their thing because they've seen the writing on the wall,

and that is that internet advertising is a is a bubble that is just gonna disappear but like i i can't imagine it's worth like they're they're getting you know point of a cent for a click or something like that yeah uh i don't can't imagine that that's a bubble that's gonna burst and they're gonna get point zero something of a of a click. But it could be. It could be. And like so much of the advertising that is already on the internet is bullshit advertising, right? It's like this one weird trick of a flat belly. Like the percentage on those things must be even lower because they're totally bogus.

Here's the thing that I haven't spoken to people about. You know when you're on your phone, I think maybe it happens maybe also on... I'm not sure if it happens on a laptop or a desktop. But if you're on your phone and you're on websites like a news website, there's that thing where the page loads and then as you go to click on something, it kind of shifts a little bit. Right. The whole page just shifts.

As different things load down the page or something? Yeah, but often things might be completely loaded, but then there's just like a slight movement. Do you think that's to make you click on the ads? Well, it could be a glitch that happens from things loading. But I feel like it's like a glitch that helps people. That's the only time I ever click on an ad. Yeah. It's when the screen, like it's like a glitch that helps people. That's the only time I ever click on an ad is when the screen, like it's taken me by surprise

and I accidentally click on it. And if you were making a website, it would be within your interests to make that happen. Allow accidental clicks. News websites, they get paid by the click, right? They get money for the clicks. Yeah, especially on the ads. If you click on the ads,

I'm sure that's worth more than just something. Oh, totally. That's what I meant. Yeah, because the actual... You probably also make money from page clicks because then that means that people have technically viewed it with their peripheral vision or whatever,

all that kind of bullshit. But the click clicks. Click clicks. Yeah, the actual ad clicks. Anyway. No, I totally believe that that would be a thing, that you would be designing like when you're designing a website right where you're designing a thing let's hey let's um make the file

size of this image if we make that a bit higher that means it'll load after all the other stuff on the page it'll shift the page down and then that'll cause more people to click on the ad i think that there's actually a sketch in the people who are putting in that glitch. Like, it's just, it's somebody who runs a website with advertising and is just saying to the developer, like, you know, the webpage, you know, it's like, oh, this is beautiful.

It's like, it's so perfectly... Laid out. It's so beautifully laid out. I love the way it flows. It's so intuitive. It's so beautifully laid out. I love the way it flows. It's so intuitive. It's so intuitive. Everything is beautiful. I was wondering,

could you get the page to just shift like a millimeter once it's just loaded? So everything's up there. We've worked out that it takes about three or four seconds for somebody to identify a headline that they're interested in and engage with that and then actually click on that. Right at that point. What if, you know, it could fuck up a bit?

Yeah. Could you just make it jump just a little bit so that when they go to click it, it doesn't hit the thing that they're trying to hit, but it hits one of our ads so that we get a little bit of money. And then they get a little bit angry. Yeah. And then they go back to the website and then they wait and then they click on it again yeah and they go and then they take a bit of sadness with them into the world yeah but it's a tiny amount that's fine a tiny amount of sadness we got 23 cents we got a tiny amount of money yeah right so what we're basically doing is we're sort of making people sad

Yeah. for money. That is our In the same way that I'm kind of making you sad for money. So So I want to take you

to take this beautiful thing that you've made that you've made and just just jerk it just jerk it a little bit Yeah. just

every time somebody looks at the page And then I'll pay you. Yeah. And then I'll pay you. A little bit of sadness for money. You know it's just I just want you to put a huge flaw.

You see, once upon a time, news used to be about charging people money for information, for content, for stuff that was relevant to their lives that would help them to live more efficiently. And now we make people sad. Through using a jerkky motion yeah yeah it's it's an evolution yeah it's you know of of our business model obviously and you know when my grandfather um got into the newspaper business he sure it was he had a dream journalism and ethics and all that kind of stuff and now it's really about just the web page moving up and down a little bit a little bit and you know the words it doesn't really matter you the web page moving up and down a little bit a little bit and you know

the word that doesn't really matter you could just close your eyes and mash the keyboard or whatever yeah you know as long as there's a decent headline yeah but um we just need people to want to click something and then not let them quite do that yeah and and and because i'm sort of just trained you know in journalism which is why i know about this stuff. I need to get you, who is trained in web design, to... Not do that job properly. Can you do it badly? For me to not do my job properly, I need you to not do your job properly.

Thank you. And then we'll both get paid. I think that's definitely a thing. Yeah. I think, on that note, I was listening to a podcast where they were talking about efficiency. What is it? Productivity. You know, the thing about productivity, about like, you know, they sort of work out roughly how much value per capita people produce in a country.

And like they're always worried about productivity statistics and whether or not they're going up or down. And there are certain kinds of innovations that lead to great growth in productivity. They're always worried about productivity statistics and whether or not they're going up or down. There are certain kinds of innovations that lead to great growth in productivity. So things like the car led to a huge jump in productivity. And they're saying that, according to the calculations, the IT revolution, computers and stuff, none of that has improved productivity. Like information technology,

you do the calculations. If anything, the statistics are going backwards. And they're trying to work out, well, maybe there's factors that aren't quite incorporated in. Maybe the algorithm that we use to calculate productivity isn't totally taking into account all the different aspects in which people could be generating income for yeah the economy or it could just be that it doesn't help it's so distracted it's we are so distracted it is such bullshit yeah i uh look that is a it's a, it's quite funny.

I don't, I wonder, I would like to have a sketch about that. It's like, do you think, I mean, guys, like, do you think, I mean, like, this is just the boss kind of coming in with the company. It's just a small company. There was a, you know, we just installed all the computers and got everything sort of, you know, just protected the millennium bug. I'm assuming this is early, right before 2000s or whatever like that. You know, we got all these new systems and everything is like, you know, like everything we used to calculate by hand before that. And obviously you drafters, you guys all had to draw everything by hand. And we fired all the people who did it by hand. now we got in these guys you don't do it on computers computers and you know like i mean they used to draw a line and then if they fucked up the line

they would have to throw away the whole piece of paper and start again start again you know and then when we wanted to send the those pictures down to the to the um to the site for the you know people to construct it. You used to have to actually print it out and then put it in the car and drive it down there, and now you just click a button, it's gone. Yeah, but somehow, despite that, there's no... Yeah, our bottom line hasn't improved.

I don't like... If anything, we've spent... We've lost thousands of dollars investing in computers and things like that. Do you guys know why productivity? Any ideas? What could be? Anything? Technically, we should be able to be moving at three to four times the speed.

I'm sorry. Sorry. Can you say that again? I wasn't listening. I was doing a dumb thing on the computer stuff. Insane. Yeah. I don't know.

But there's something in there. Yeah, there absolutely is. Or maybe instead it just pans to the office of people. And none, nobody's listening. And everybody's just playing solitaire. Everyone's playing solitaire because that's what they're doing on there. It's the bloody solitaire. If you get the solitaire off the computers.

Monsweeper. They're pretty sure When we got our computers Because we We got computers At my high school We were like the first people To get them When I was at high school

We got laptops Yeah Whoa Yeah I know Very nice Doing all right for ourselves And there was Many in?

It was all Macs It was Macs And I'm pretty sure They'd taken Solitaire off it. Like the installation. You didn't get Solitaire because they were worried it would distract the kids.

I think our school had frozen a lot of games and different things like that. I don't know. Did Max come with Solitaire? I might. Maybe Max didn't come with any games. They're not for fun. They're not, are they? Max don't have... Nobody has fun on a games. They're not for fun. They're not, are they? Macs don't have...

Nobody has fun on a Mac. They're for looking cool. Yeah, were those the ones with the kind of red and purple? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those laptop... iMacs. iMac, laptop, iBook, lap, book. Yeah, no, no, no.

They're just functional. Functional for looking cool. That's their whole thing. That's actually a pretty good... It's a pretty good vibe, though. I'm a big... I love things that are functional and look cool. I'm a real sucker for it.

Yeah, well... Like Ikea. They have a lot of stuff that, like, seems functional and looks cool. Turns out that you don't actually need that function in the end. The function of looking cool? No, no, no. The actual function they claim to do. You know, like there'll be some, like, you know, special teapot

that contains different balls of molybdenum and that agitates the tea or something. You're like, oh, look at that. Oh, the molybdenum. Oh, that's going to help. So good looking and those beautiful balls and the teapot is glass and you can see it and you're like, ah, this is balls And the teapot And it's glass And you can see it And you're like

Ah this is actually a shit teapot Is this like Or like Dyson vacuum cleaners? Dyson vacuum I'm disappointed by my Dyson Yeah Yeah it broke really really quickly Yeah right

Yeah somebody I remember one time I met A guy who was a Dyson repairman And he goes I mean they say they don't break down You know They don't lose suction but mate they all do you know this is great info i'll never buy a dyson and have you bought a dyson

i bought a miele i think it's called miele is it bagless no it's got a bag fuck it's got a bag it's got to be bagless i don't i don't care what you buy it's just got to be bagless no it's got a bag fuck it's got a bag it's got to be bagless i don't i don't care what you buy it's just got to be bagless you know there was a guy when i went to the to buy a couple more bags like look it i can't justify spending you know the money on bags i don't like that i love i would just empty a bag if i could yeah but then when i was there the guy showed me this thing that you can just put on the arm, which basically sucks out most of the things that come out. And it's like a little, essentially like plastic cup kind of thing.

A little bypass-y kind of thing. Yeah, that everything kind of goes into, or most things go into as they come up, so you don't have to use. But then I don't like the idea of being sold something, and so I didn't buy it. But one day I'll go back and I'll get it next time I need bags. Yeah, oh, I see sold

as in like that little upsell kind of like, oh, you might want this kind of product. Yeah, because I feel like I just need to not think that I'm a sucker. Yeah.

But if there was some way that things could be sold to me and me not feel like a sucker, in fact, it's probably happening all the time, right? It's the ones where and me not feel like a sucker. In fact, it's probably happening all the time, right? It's the ones where you don't feel like a sucker that you don't realize you're being sold to. That's true. I mean, I convinced you to do this podcast in a way that makes you a sucker.

And I only had to pay you $50. It's pretty good. It's pretty good for me anyway. Pretty good deal. We have reached five. Oh, well, with that sucking bit of conversation yeah look i apologize that i didn't you know i could have taken it get sucked in at a vacuum shop that is particularly unpleasant you don't getting sucked in sucked in at a godfrey's i don't know why it sounds awful but anyway

um all right take us through the sketches. What we got today. We got a Christianity startup sort of trying to get the emperor on board. It's a little bit like the... Silicon Valley. Silicon Valley. But it's more like a sort of a silky cloth valley. You know, they got a lot of that silk cloth.

I'm sure. There'll be a great word for it. Like, I feel like there was a valley or something, you know, some crucial valley probably in the biblical world. Yeah. You know. Great. There's got to be a biblical valley. Bloody.

But, yeah, but I think that's really good. It's kind of, yeah, it's just people. Rubicon Valley. Rubicon? Rubicon. I mean, I like that a lot. Crossing the Rubicon. That was where Caesar. I mean, could we callicon Valley. Rubicon? Rubicon. I mean, I liked it a lot. Crossing the Rubicon. That was with Caesar.

I mean, could we call it Crossing the Rubicon? Could be. So that doesn't sound like we're trying to do Silicon Valley. All right. Great. I hate parody. But yeah, but also, like, I genuinely think that that's a good show idea that where you're looking, because like, it used to be like... There was times where it was a theocracy.

So they were basically the government until governments came along. And so there's a lot of... When they're losing that, that would be a great time to sort of sitcomize it. Baby. Baby. Travel advice for nullibore crossers.

This is about people who are used to a certain amount of entertainment. Obviously, you die of starvation. But before you die of starvation, you'll die of hydration. But before you die of hydration, you'll die of sleeplessness. But before you die of sleeplessness, you'll die of boredom. So there are tips for people to avoid that. Don't play I Spy. That's a hot tip there for you.

Guy who sees a 400 kilometers till the next services sign, but he's being a bit stubborn with his wife. She goes, stop. We've got to get petrol. Now we can make it. Now we can make it like that. and then roughly 200 meters down the road 200 meters down the road he uh he runs out and uh and then he just starts getting out and starts pushing the car yeah hitchhiking hitchhiking yeah and then a truck does stuff and he just goes for it we're just

repeating the entire thing alice there's too much information we just go just go through them quickly alistair fuck you rich people tourism great that's it love it and then we got swearing at the rich riches and then we get getting designers to make i'll get getting as the web designer to make the page jerk a bit so that people accidentally click ads that's a thing somebody asked for i think i think that's great i think you you can do that in like the the session where like they're coming in they're doing the final presentation of like this website that they've spent you know hundreds of thousands of dollars to get developed by the best i like that design company and yeah it's the guy presenting it to his company

yep and then but the designer is there but the designer is kind of embarrassed that and um that they feel like no no i think the designer is presenting it but the designer is kind of embarrassed that it... No, no, no. I think the designer is presenting it to the board of the newspaper or whatever, right? He's up there, and then they just have a few comments. Okay, great.

Yeah, that's really good. I like that. So, like, yeah. And so they could do it. Yeah, they could show it. Can you get the page to jerk a bit? Yeah. I love everything you've got there.

Yeah, it's beautiful. Just a little jerk. That's really good's beautiful. Just a little, little, little jerk. That's really good, yeah. Just a little bit of that. Well, I guess we've got to wrap up, so. Yes, you've got to wrap it up. Wrap it up. I guess you've got to wrap it up eventually.

Nothing lasts forever, so you've got to wrap it up. You've got to wrap it up, you gotta wrap it up Eventually Thanks for listening Thank you for listening So much Oh my god, we care