Two In The Think Tank - 493 - "INCOMPLETE AND UTTER"

Episode Date: September 14, 2025

Please do head to our Pozible to buy Live Show tickets, A Listener hats, and support the 500th ep. Thank you. It means the world.Alien Harmonica, Horse Wheels, Slap Caress, Random Movie, Magic Book Shop, Fullest Stop, Incomplete and Utter, George "Wizard" BushCheck out Andy's beloved, Carly, in this comedy musical at the Melbourne FringeCheck out the sketch spreadsheet by Will Runt hereAnd visit the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here(Oh, and we love you) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's the show that we recommend. Hi, I'm Mike Figgis. I wrote and directed movies like Leaving Las Vegas and Time Code. And recently, I was on the set of Francis Ford Coppola's infamous passion project, Megalopolis, making a fly-on-the-wall documentary. In Unfiltered, the Mike Figures Podcasts, I'll share stories of watching, a mad genius at work.

Get unfiltered. The Micrificus podcast, wherever you get podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Hello, Andy. Yes, Al. I am coming to Australia, and on October 11th we're going to be doing a live show. Is that right, Andy?

you can speak then you can speak yeah yeah that's right yes yeah at 12 p.m at 12 p.m. on 11th of October at what was formerly known as stupid old studios is now known as humdinger studios now known as X yeah and then on me uh no no no no no no this is why I you're not supposed to speak um anyway and you can buy tickets on in a on a possible link and also buy some a listener hats, if you want. They're also on there. Andy, let's go into the song. Ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, gong. Hello, and welcome to two in the think of the show. We come up with five sketch ideas. Ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Trombly, Birchell.

You know, Andy, sometimes when we start the podcast, you know how we count them three, two, one before we start. Yeah. Sometimes, I don't know if you know that you do this, sometimes you wildly change the speed at which you're counting. You go. Okay, three, two, one, go. And then sometimes I'll do a go and sometimes I won't do a go. Yeah. You know, it's really, it's, I think I'm exploring the possibilities of the three, two, one, go system.

You know, I'm pushing the boundaries. Yeah, of time sinking. Yeah, that's what people want, right? Yeah, I mean, all of the best art is made at the extremes of the medium. Hmm. Is that true? Is that true? well I don't know for the best

I don't look I don't know I don't know Andy I mean don't back yourself it sounds great is that is that a is that a spontaneous thought you're having right now is it a thing you've thought before

or let me finish let me finish or is it something that you've read or heard elsewhere well I have heard Brian Eno talk about like at the extremes of a medium you find the maximum

well you know he's like with guitars, I'll say electric guitars, they, there'd be these extreme where essentially it starts to get fuzzy and kind of noisy. And then that's where people kind of found distortion and an interesting way of doing it. You know, and then, I don't know, like, because the records, you've got the idea of scratching and things like that where it's like, oh, this wasn't supposed to do this, but then suddenly it becomes a way in which the art form moves forward, you know? The art form of playing records.

The best thing you could do with a record is scratch it. It's like all that recorded music. Who gives a shit about that? Exactly right. I mean, even the distorted guitars

to me have no value until you record them onto a record and start scratching with that record. That's right. That's right. So... That's right. Now the only question is, what can we do with the sound of somebody scratching on a record to truly make true art. We could put it on a skipping CD.

Or we could put it on a spaceship and fire it past the limits of the solar system. That's true. What would that sound like? Oh, imagine that. Imagine getting that golden record that they put on that spaceship, bringing it back and then using it to do some DJ scratching. Maybe on a new Avalanche's album. You know what I reckon?

I reckon if you found those records that they sent out into space and you got it and you started playing it, it probably wouldn't be that good of a listen. Oh, yeah? I don't know. Do you think it would be? I think an audio file would probably say that the only way to really store a record like that

is to keep it in the vacuum of space. I imagine it's probably, a bloody cracker, put it on, yeah, sink back into a bean bag, pop on some headphones. I hope we sent some listening instructions out there with it so that the aliens can really, you know, do it justice, making some gold-plated RCA cables. Maybe a spliff and a lighter. Oh, yeah. This is actually really good if you consume this first.

humanity is really only tolerable if you if you if you listen to them high yeah you we want to give them the best possible chance of enjoying did we put any jokes on the record you know maybe skits whether any skits in between yeah you know they put the cheese shop on there Beethoven and I if if if we didn't send that stuff out I reckon we send it now right and we see if we can you know whatever we're sending it on, crank up the speed a little bit, see if it can catch up with that Voyager, was it? Yeah, we'll just go, I mean, rocket technology surely has caught up

that we could catch up to Voyager, or whichever one it is. One would hope. Yeah, we just make it half as small and give it twice as much energy. Oh. You know, instead of a record, we put it on a new. And now when you say half as small, do you mean? is that twice as big yeah yeah and when I said and when I said twice as much energy

I meant half as much energy okay good yeah I'm glad we're on the same page yeah that's right um but also did they send a record player with it or did they just send the record and then they're like they'll figure it out yeah there's aliens I mean kind of we probably don't want to make contact with any aliens who can't figure it out I think it's a bit of a little it's a little bit of a filter you know

It's a little bit of a hurdle requirement. You know, if you can't get basic phonograph, we don't want to be contacted by aliens offering to share their technology with us, and they've only got as far as, like, I don't know, those little plinky plonkey plonk, spinning. A thumb piano? Yeah, thumb piano. Oh, that's all we've got to.

You don't want them coming down and say, we have arrived, and we will share with you the secrets of our advanced technology. and it's a thumb piano. Yeah, it's like one of those mouth organs. There was a... I don't know, I kind of... I think that's pretty good. Yeah, and they're like,

we are ready to share our technology with you. But Bing, bang, dung, ding, dang, ding, ding, dund dend dend dend dend dend dend dend d'ing. This is, we've... And they don't arrive on a spaceship. Somehow they arrive on a horse and cart. Like, it might be a sort of a space horse, and that's how they're able to cross the vast distances. They're just on an asteroid that lands on Earth, and they're just standing on the horse on the... I'm not standing on a city.

Yeah, that's standing on the asteroid. Yeah, that's good. I mean, imagine if that's how we'd approached cars. Was there anyone early on in the car building world where they were like, maybe we could attach this engine to a horse or, you know, like building the first car and you're like, well, I know people ride on horses to go places. And I've invented this system where wheels, you can use wheels to, you know, they can be turned by this internal combustion engine. So all we need to do is get a horse on there and then people will be able to ride it quite quickly from place to place.

It might actually be quite nice. Like, I reckon the horse would probably absorb some of the bumps. I'm not sure about that. Hmm. Well, what if they just put... What if they would just put two wheels on each foot and the horse still runs? Okay. And then... And then it's like... Are you suggesting teaching a horse to rollerblade?

Is that what we're describing here? I say we make it so good that the horse doesn't even need to learn. You know what I mean? It's like... I think what we want is we want to get an internal combustion. engine, right? Get that motor going. Use that to drive a little whip to whip the horse, right? And then teach the horse to rollerblade. And then we'll be able to use the power of the internal combustion engine and the invention of the wheel to get the world's fastest horse.

I mean, that's a good idea. Thank you. Andy, Andy, I just, I had got a message and then I looked at my phone and then I just said, that's a good idea at the end of your statement that I didn't hear. I had a feeling, I had a feeling that that was what was happening. And I'm really glad. Was it a good message? No. Would you like to read it out to the class? Okay.

Is there something you'd like to share with everyone? It said. Thanks, Al. I'm assuming it's C.A.D. I hope it's a great B-Day celebration. I just, it's, uh, I helped somebody buy a gift for my child because, to have, so, because They were having trouble getting it to Canada, and so I bought it, and then they transferred me the money. Oh, God, that's good.

Oh, that's actually, that is actually really nice. Now, you are away from your child for their birthday. Yeah. Did you reveal the expense of your cats in the cradle lifestyle? Well, just that I'm in an anomalous position in which I am employed right now. and and uh and then the work it's a quiz show and it was getting recorded in Holland and so and so I am in Holland pressing the ding button when somebody gets the answer right so I'm here you you you could say I'm a bit of a dinger yes you're

a bit of a ding daddy yeah but I do also there's got to ding is that what you say to your child when you leave them behind. Daddy, Daddy's got to ding. Is that what you? Shout as you. That's, that's when my child is, slam the door in their face. When my child was crying, because I'm missing their birthday, and I say, Daddy just has to ding. Daddy needs to ding. Daddy needs to ding. And I do refer to myself as Daddy, which is, you know, do you refer to yourself as Daddy? Exclusively. I sign it. I signed it on. documents. Only at work. Yeah, that's

my title. You ever have worked, do you ever go? Daddy's going to sign off on this. Daddy likes this. I refer to myself as Daddy in the third person. Yeah. I think I still do that with our youngest.

The reason that Daddy got upset before Well, that's great Because, you know, at a certain point You can stop referring to yourself as Daddy And just pretend that that person Does another man

And then like all the stuff that Daddy did That was, you know, where you didn't control your emotions As much as you wanted or whatever That was a different person I'll say No, Daddy died I'm here now It's just me

Me me Alastair And That's me Alastair Daddy I don't even know Who this daddy person is? Who is that daddy

Daddy who yelled Well I'm not yelling Am I Yeah Well daddy The yelling daddy is dead Yeah he's never coming back It's just weird

It's this weird Like weirdly revealing And completely traumatizing It's just like Not revealing relieving. Relieving. Same letters.

Yeah. Different letters. But, uh... Different letters. Different meetings. Very different sounds. Um... No.

I'm actually... Relieving. I'm actually going to be meeting two listeners today. Whoa. Uh, listeners, do you know what they're listeners of? Or did they just tell you that they are listeners? They are both a listeners. Um...

Yeah. A's, or is that, is it two, wait, is it A listeners or is it A's listener? Like, Attorneys General. Yeah. Because if they are A listeners, I think it's A's listener. It's definitely A's listener. That definitely sounds better. What's this fucking podcast about again?

I should know it Why do we do this? Why do we put people through this? Why are we almost 500 episodes of this? Yeah. We're so close. We're so close. You make it sound like we're about to stop.

I mean, you did say after the 500th, it's going to change. Things are going to change. I think something's going to have to change, Alistair. I just think, you know. We can't keep doing this thing that we love. okay that's just not sustainable we're gonna have we have to just stop and then i didn't say stop but we have to change it okay something's got to change okay where's this podcast going you know that's what i want to know i'll sit you down and say you want to slap me is that why i'm coming

to Australia so you can slap me slap some sense to me can slap you's senseless you can Are we? Yeah. Can you, wait, can you slap somebody sensible? Can you put slap... Oh, you do, they do also say slap some sense into someone. Yeah, oh, absolutely. I think that might say that is more than... Wait, but you can also slap the sense out of someone.

Wait, well, it was senseless. Slap someone senseless, which means that... I don't know if slap someone senseless is an expression. Yeah, I think it is. No? Well, I guess it's a system I guess it's a system where you can You know, I guess it's like homking in a car Can be used to express happiness or sadness

And maybe it's the length of the slap Although I think a slap is by definition Doesn't have any length Does a slap have any length Or is a slap instantaneous I think a slap only is You know It only exists in that

I think a slap happens at a speed of light. Or it only, it exists for the smallest possible unit of time, right? Yeah. Because the slap itself is only that instant when you make contact. Yeah, but then you can have a long slap and it becomes a sort of like... A long slap, goodnight. The long slap, good... But, you know, because it becomes like a gentle, you know, loving caress of the face.

Yeah, well, I'd argue that that's no longer a slap. Oh, right. So it's like a slap, depending on how fast the impact is. And then, and then a facial caress. Yeah. Sometimes you do that. Yeah. I was just going to say, I think one can maybe lead into the other, but I think they remain separate.

Yeah, right. But could it purely be, could a slap just be an incredibly small facial caress? it's like withholding love it's like it's like showing somebody that love is you are capable of love and that you're not going to give it to them you know what you know what i mean like they're going look i'm able to caress your face but i'm not going to give you any it's i think that's really what it's the worst part of the the most painful part of us that is is finding out that that they're not going to hug you your face with their that their warm you know Yeah, well, yeah, you're right.

They've proven to you that, oh, I know how to bring my hand in contact with your beautiful soft skin. I have a hand, and I know how to use it. Yeah, they're showing you both their hands. That's why boxers keep their hands up so that you know that they could caress you with them. At any point, they could use them to caress you. And then they show you that they can touch you. But is that why the gloves, they wear those gloves? Because they actually, it stops them from being able to caress.

I think you can't caress. Yeah. Yeah, the love can't transfer through the leather. Yeah, yeah. You can't get a good, you know, you've got to sort of be able to cup them in order to stroke like that. And I think to maintain the integrity of the sport, they probably introduced the glove to reduce the chances of the bouts descending into caressing. Yeah, I guess the glove is kind of like... And when you use the

expression, the gloves are off. Yeah. That's because you're now caressing them. Yeah, I guess now you can really caress them or you can really tease them and show them that you, at any moment, you could give it to them and then you're still withholding it. Yes. Like in a way, the glove is kind of like a love condom that stops the transfer of affection. yeah that's right yeah yeah um g love that's right that's right there g love the is that a gun good love oh yeah g love that does that does sound like a like a you know it would be like a i mean

there is quest love and there are lots of you know rappers that do have names that are not that far from that and there's g flip so yeah i think uh gee love would if it doesn't already if it's not already taken we should um we should make the spotify page right now put up a couple of placeholder songs yeah just start squatting squatting squat the spot yeah so we're just gonna look for at at glove yeah let's see if at glove is not taken yeah correct alistair what do you think of that of this a movie, a horror movie and it's called

Random, right? Is it called random or is it called random? Well, that's, I already you've hit upon what makes this movie so compelling. I think it's sort of, is that a Gen Z thing to say? Random? Is that more like millennials? I think I'm seeing it exactly like Tim Robinson said it in.

I think you should. leave. Right. Okay. So whatever that is. Um, I think, uh, I think maybe Gen C. And, um, it's about, uh, I'd say he's Gen Y, but yeah. A serial killer. Right. Okay. Or, or maybe a monster. Maybe some sort of serial monster. Could be, could be some kind of, yeah. Like, are we dealing with a one-off monster or a serial monster here? This Eldritch Dark Force from Beyond the Vale, the series of inexplicable occult killings by an Eldritch entity, I think they're connected.

I don't think it's just these are unrelated. I think they're all being done by the same monster. Isn't that What a terrifying thought Oh, terrified He continues to exist A paranormal force And that would be terrifying

Okay, yeah So it's called random It's called random And the thing is that all the killings happen at random Okay And the thing that connects them Is that there's nothing that connects them

And there's no way of predicting Who's gonna be killed next there's no way of knowing who's going to be killed next um and there's no point trying to do anything about it so it's so random but it's so random um yeah i mean it's very close to how existence is um but yeah yeah wow that's good that's good that's going to help give this some real meaning. Although I want to stress that it's not meaning in the sense of there's any meaning to the killings because they're all so random.

It's quite meaningless. Yeah, quite meaningful. Okay. And so then, okay. And so how, what happens in the movie? Like, so like, so like people are just dropping dead or people are getting killed? I think, that's a great question. That's a great question.

I don't have all the answers. I think maybe they are just dropping dead. How do you feel about that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, so then sometimes, like, let's say, somebody is talking to somebody, you know, maybe in an opening scene or something like that, and they're having a nice conversation.

It's almost like, you know, like the beginning of reservoir dogs, and they're going, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. And then the other person goes, that's a lot of dick, like that, and they go, yeah, and then, and then one of them start. Drops dead, yeah. I mean, I actually think the more we talk about this, and I thought it was a great idea when we started, but now I'm actually visualizing it.

I actually think this is really interesting. It's a movie with a whole lot of deaths. You know, it maybe is some sort of, like all these movies about a future or, you know, some mass disaster or whatever it is, there's always some sort of logic to what's happening, like your bird boxes, your quiet places. You know, it's always, oh, because you made too much noise or because you saw the monster or whatever.

So there's a way to do something about it. But in this world, it's just random, okay? And there's, so there's nothing you can do about it. But there's... It just becomes a feature of life that people are randomly dying. Yeah, I think, I think, though, because people in the world can't, can't know whether or not something is random, just through, you know, like, they'll say, oh, it seems random.

And then they'll try to collect information to make it seem like it's, it's not random. And they'll follow past, and then they'll think they're getting in on something. They're getting close to something. And then maybe the thing or person that they think is causing it, then it themselves drops dead. Yes, exactly right. And then. And then they are forced to recognize that it is truly round. random, right?

How? That, well, the statistics, right? Any way they analyze the statistics, there's no, there's no connection. There is no time or reason. So many people will have to have died in this thing. No, I don't think so. I think it's just a statistically significant sample. But like there might be.

Maybe it is Alastair in this movie. It could be thousands and thousands. I love it. One of the main characters is going to have to be a statistic. but the fact is because it is so random finally some facts that is that is the thing that proves it has to be being done by a supernatural entity I think I know but then that means that it's not random right right like oh well okay well well I think you know nothing happens without a cause right yeah okay I think I thought

this thing was because there was no cause, yeah. No, I may have said that, but that's... Well, nothing happens without a... Like, you know, we can always find a reason for things. Yeah. Randomly dying. We will analyze it until we find something that explains it. We find that there's nothing that explains it, okay?

And then therefore, there has to be something beyond our understanding. What about this? What about this? Often before somebody dies, like a kind of sound right like a kind of like a big kind of like deep almost thunder earthquakey kind of sound i know earthquakes don't have a sound as far as i can tell sure um that mean that might be too much but right but but then at some point they meet the uh or they they find out or figure out or see this supernatural entity that is causing it and then they

they see it shaking something in its hands and then and then they drop it and it's like a it's just a dice and somehow that's deciding and that's also making the sound it's this gigantic thing landing

in their in their in their sort of supernatural realm yep and then they reverberates and kills the thing look this is sure I mean but but if it's random

how would they get any closer to the to finding out what it is? Like, are they finding out what it is? I genuinely think it's about the consequences of like humanity dealing with this. How do we adapt? What does it mean for us? What changes?

Okay. Or it doesn't. And how do we make peace with it? and how do we reconcile? Okay, I think I like that. Yeah, that I like. I think finding out that there's a supernatural thing, that doesn't help us,

trying to see a monster, having the big, that doesn't help us, right? I think it's just about, yeah, it is just about people dealing with it. Look, Andy, that's a little mini-series. Thanks, man. You're welcome, Andy.

There are no answer. The important thing is there are no answers. And that's what makes this great art. and also a comedy sketch, one comedy sketch, 28 minutes into the episode. Yeah. I mean, I guess we're in it, it's a movie, because I guess if you watch it from the point of view of like a small town, and then, you know, and then there's all this kind of like, you know, there's different types of people and things like that.

But at some point, there's not enough people for all these different types of people to not be together because they need to support each other. Yeah Yeah, that's interesting Because once the Once the supermarket guy's dead Who's ordering in the lollies? Well,

Where are we going to get our lollies? We're going to get our lollies from We've got a trotally reshape society now We're going to have to Put our differences aside This is a crisis This is now a crisis and then the real estate guy

he has to now be the one who orders the lollies what's that like is he good at it is he good at it is he get the right ones does he get the ones that john likes maybe would it be better if some if most people would do that's what the question that's what this show will answer

but the answer yeah and the answer is yes actually we make a very dissivant definitive stand on this yeah we form a conclusion. All right, here's another idea,

Alistair. Have I told you this idea? I don't know yet. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, set in a library, right?

And one day, one of the kids, he's reading a book about dinosaurs, right? And then he doesn't put it back on the right shelf. Instead of putting it in the history section

or the paleoology section. He puts it in the fiction section. He puts it either in the fiction section or possibly even in like the, do they have like a current affairs section or like a current events section? You know, 20th century section. And so the dinosaur, because it's something, it's a magic library. It's a magic library or we just discover why it's important to put library books back where they belong. That's a good message.

Yeah, that's the moral of this story. And it causes dinosaurs, obviously, to come to life, right, and start roaming the library. So you've got like a T-Rex. Oh, inside the library. Inside the library. Not inside, not in the real world outside. Not inside the outside, although it could be inside the outside. And then you have like, okay, so that's happened.

How do you deal with that situation? Is that what all the kids were saying? So that happened. yeah they are it's it's very Marvel banter coded

and then you're like okay well we've got this problem what can we do I know let's take this book about King George

the giant slayer or the the dragon slayer let's put that in the you know put that in a different section so he comes to life and then you've got like

your dragon slayer guy to fight the dinosaur or maybe something from the fiction section while these kids are like trying to escape a dinosaur in the library they're still picking up books because they're like oh I don't read this later this thing on Saint George like that and then and then and then love St. George and then they're always running back to the 20th century section of the library and then and then they accidentally put the book down again and then

they realize. No, they do that on purpose. Or yeah, no, you're right. I know, but they have to figure out that this thing is happening at some point, you know? They have to figure out that this thing is happening at some point. Like, because, you know, like a mouse that he finds out that by pressing a button, they get, you know, given a little injection of good feeling or whatever. You know, these people have to figure out somehow. Because I don't think the kid would make the association. I put a dinosaur book down. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. And now there's a dinosaur in here. I think you would need, I mean, like, I guess the very specific... You need more data points.

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Although maybe if two kids put their books down at the same time, and they both have something very specific in it. Yes. Yes. You know, they would get a talk and at some point go, isn't that weird? Mm.

I was just looking at a book of, you know, and then name something that is unusual. You know, George Harrison in medieval wear? Yep, you say, put George Harrison. Put a book about the Beatles. Yeah, but for some reason, it's like some kids book that George Harrison did where he got photographed in medievalware and he was doing, you know, fighting, he was like the hero. and so they were like oh I didn't even know

he did this these are kids that were really into the Beatles and they're and they're so across it that they didn't even realize that he had made one

that they could be aware yeah I love that this book is in the library as well like we haven't heard about it but it's still getting printed still doing the rounds

you know still it's an old yeah it's an old town library maybe or maybe it's like a you know An op shop kind of You know Or it could be a bookshop

Could be a second-hand bookshop Yeah I mean A second-hand bookshop I would find it very difficult To imagine any dinosaur Squeezing through those Those very narrow You know

Passageways in there But they do you know But you do have like There is a bit more of like a magical feeling to them perhaps And there is The possibility that that really grumpy guy who runs the bookshop

is maybe some kind of like wizard or something like it was. Yeah. Like, a little like William Hurt in that first Harry Potter movie, you know? Terrible, but great. You know that guy? No.

Is it William Hurt, I think? Isn't it that guy who, like, when Harry's getting his wand and he's like, this guy's, he's sort of like, you know. Oh, Mr. Olavander. Yeah, and he's like, you know, the other person who has that, you know, feather from that, from that phoenix, he's like, he did great things, terrible, but great. I don't know, he's not Greek or anything like that, I don't think.

That's a great, that's a great voice, though. I say it often, but your mastery of the sonic form is complete. Isn't it like, Andy, I don't think I'm anywhere. near close but I appreciate it grandiosiously I'm going to just write that magic bookstop

and not bookstop bookshop bookshop bookshop bookstop bookstop Acast powers the world's best podcasts here's the show that we recommend

Hi I'm my friend I wrote and directed movies like leaving Las Vegas and time code. And recently, I was on the set of Francis Ford Coppola's infamous passion project, Megalopolis, making a fly-on-the-wall documentary. In Unfiltered, the Mike Figures Podcasts, I'll share stories of watching a mad genius at work. Get Unfiltered, the Mike Figures podcast, wherever you get podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com Put books in the wrong section. I mean, they say it's a full stop, you know, in punctuation. But I find that, you know, it's a, it very often starts again. straight after. I want to sort of a real some sort of true, truly final form of punctuation.

You know, something that Mm. You know, you know what's one way that they could find out that there's some magic involved in that shelf? Yes. In that shelf where you know, where the things are put on that shelf, they

appear in the shop. Is an autobiography by the guy who runs the shop? right yeah and and and one of the kids picks it up and the guy disappears right so they pick it up and then they put it back like so maybe you just see that in the background they pick it up and put it down and you see them disappear and then reappear when they put it down like that so when you're holding the books it's so it's only it's the shelves that are magic it's that one shelf it's that one shelf it's that that one shelf, that if whatever's on that shelf, that thing is in the shop. Yeah. Okay. That's...

The things in the shelf. It's things in the shop shelf. Yeah, it's the things in the shop shelf. And... Right? And... Yeah. Yeah.

And so you got to have a simple rule like that, that the world can follow. and then because one of the kids is going he picks it up, puts it down and he goes, that is him and he picks it up again and then at some point the other kid goes sees it happening the old guy disappearing

I think I think maybe that's the name of the book the things in the shop shelf things in the shop I think you've in the shop things the things in the shop shelf

I mean any any any any like magic thing if you if you say out loud exactly what the rule is I think it sounds stupid yeah you're yeah you're completely right

yeah you just want to have it happening yeah and not not not not explain not state the logic of it too explicitly because yeah or people will start to ask questions move fast and fly under yellow sun man you know

Yeah, yep. Do you know what that is? Oh, Superman. Yeah. Move fast and fly under yellow sun man. Yeah. Correct. Regular baby.

I'm sorry. Can I just restate my desire for a truly final form of punctuation? Yes, yes, I want. Yeah, sorry. You did start that and then I don't think. No. No, it's all good. And it, you know, it was itself in quite a conversation ender,

which is what I wanted to. be. I want this new form of punctuation, this truly full, full stop to be able to be put into things and that's like what you put right at the end. You know, when there's actually, isn't going to, it's like

confirming the kill, you know? Yeah. It's a bullet point to the head. But yeah, but it's like, but it's what you put it like at the end of a book. Is that what you mean? In the moment, realized, yes, that's correct. But what if, like, so it's like a bigger one?

Yeah, yeah. It's a bigger, full stop, or could you make it look angrier? Let's see. I mean, maybe it needs to be, I was about to say, it's not just flat, it's spherical. I feel that's going to be tricky. Make it hard to close the book and it might roll away. Don't matter how to close the book. Yes. Uh, what about it's a, uh, God, maybe it's a picture of a gun.

Um, wow. The gun is the thing that has been firing all the other full stops. Oh, and then is there, does it then show guns that could shoot like commas and inverted commas and stuff like that? Yeah. Um, um, yeah. Yeah, I'm really less and less good about this idea. Yeah?

Oh, there's a javelin that is thrown for the top of the exclamation point. Yeah, there's a catapult. There's a slings shot for all of the hyphens. Or no, be a bow and arrow, I think, to do the hyphens, obviously. A hyphen. It's a hyphen again. Oh, yeah, hyphen. What's a hyphen?

Sorry, I just forgot, Andy. I forgot what a hyphen is. What, you can have a moment where you don't remember what a hyphen is. My, hyphins are your bloody middle of your name. Hyphen is my middle, is middle of my names. Yeah. It's pretty close. Pretty close.

I mean, I think to say hyphen is my middle name is pretty close. It's pretty good. Pretty good. Hyphen is middle my name. There we go. That's perfect, Randy. I'm sick of things needing to be perfect. I think people should just get the gist and then laugh.

You know what I mean? Yes. You know what I mean? I'm just, I'm sick of structuring sentences so they work. You know, I just, you know, because you know, I've taken autocorrect off of my phone on this new phone because I bought a secondhand phone, and I've taken autocorrect, and it's really made a mess of how I write. Because I'm not, I'm not stopping. But was that an intentional thing?

That was like, it was just, I don't know, I can't, it was just like, I don't know, it was given me too much trouble. And so, and so then I took it away. I think it's also that thing where if I'm writing in English and French, and it's like correcting French words to English words and then I was getting sick of it. And so then I took it off. But now it just, people think I'm drunk when I'm messaging them. But I think this is a great idea. I think we should have like a new, the new. Armish, right?

And we, we, like the Amish, they picked a date, right? And they use technology from before that, but not for after that. Yeah. And we'll just do the same, but the moment that we pick to like sort of freeze technology at is like we've got computers, we've got phones, we've got spell check, but we don't have auto-correct. Like, that's the point where we draw the line.

Yeah. Yeah, that's, and this becomes our culture and like, you know, we structure our lives around it. Maybe we will also have our own kind of distinctive facial hair like you need to have a good religion, a real religion, you know. Yeah, maybe stripes, striped beards. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah.

That's not taken. I like it. Yeah, striped beard. So it kind of looks like those Kanye shade glasses. You know those, those like Venetian bourne gloves? Horizontal? Yeah, horizontal. stripes, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I still, I'm still yet to grow a beard, but.

Now, is it true that prey species, they have horizontal striped sunglasses, but predator species have vertical striped sunglasses? Is that right? That is correct, Andy. That is I'm sure you're correct. I don't think I have seen vertical, verticals striped sunglasses yet. And that's going to be cool when we invent that. Yeah, I imagine that would be even more. difficult to use. Well, it's really... One year...

For Halloween, I wore essentially like a... It's like a... Something covering my face with two eye holes in front of it. And I got... I sometimes think... Now, let's guess what this could be. For Halloween, something covering your face with two eye holes in a...

No, but it wasn't... It wasn't like... It wasn't a proper mask. It was like... like I'd literally like almost like dangled a sheet in front of my face and and then... If so, it was a ghost costume. Like I, no, no, no, I mean, I meant a sheet of paper. And, and then I put like two holes in it.

Like, it was literally like the worst costume ever. And, and I sometimes have flashbacks to how fucking restrictive that was and how awful it was and just what a struggle that whole night was. I feel awful. I feel trapped. wow it sounds like it was quite traumatic yeah yeah yeah yeah the what was that full stop called the fullest stop um let's say final stop yeah i can't remember yeah the fullest stop fuller fuller full stop um i mean i guess it full stop implies a fuller stop and a fullest stop and an empty stop Perfect implies perfectest and most perfect.

Perfecter and perfectest. And empty stop. Unique implies more unique and truly completely unique. Stop implies keep going as well. Don't stop. I think that one's closer to being real. Why? Why is that closer?

They were all close. You laughed that they were close. No, no. Well, because the ones, the, um, the full, because full is an absolute, right? Is that, that, that, is that the joke you were making? Uh, no. It said full, full stop. Oh, okay, right.

I thought that's what you were saying and that's what I was riffing on. Yeah, it was good. A complete misunderstanding. Now, a complete misunderstanding implies the possibility of a complete to misunderstand. And a completest. Understanding. Now something can be complete and utter. Can it be incomplete and utter?

Or... Complete and utter... Yeah, I like that. Incomplete and utter. This is an incomplete and utter fuck up. Listen, I am... There's room to improve on how much this is a fuck-up. Yes, I am incompletely and utterly exhausted.

What does it mean for something to just... be utter. Yeah, I don't know what... Yeah, utter. Oh, is it like... It's not like utter, like too utter. Oh, interesting. No, because you can say...

You can say something can be utter without complete, right? You can say, oh, this is an utter disaster. Utter shambles, but utter means complete, absolute. Oh, okay. You see, Andy. Complete and utter. So now here we are with utter, right, which means complete, but we're saying complete and utter, and really that brings us back to what I was saying earlier, that utter implies even more utter. Utter, an utterist.

I can't believe it's not utter. I can't believe it's not complete and utter. Oh, fuck. Alistair, how many sketch ideas have ruined out? Too many, Andy. It's too many. It's too many. So we've got three words from a listener.

Have we really reached five? I'm going to be fascinated to hear what these are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be surprised, Andy. You'll be absolutely fascinated because what we do is a fascinating podcast that you're like, we got to change things. We got to change things. I think it's too fascinating, probably.

Andy, welcome to Three Words from a Listener. I'm Alastair Trombly Virtual, and I'm going to be guiding Andy through guessing the three words from a listener, which is when people who support us on Patreon can and will send three words that we use as inspiration for a new sketch. And today's listener, Andy... Let's spin this off. You know, if we're truly serious about this podcast, making it financially viable, really cashing in. and let's speed off free words from a listener into a completely separate podcast.

People send in words, I just try and guess them. That's the whole podcast. Well, that's what 100 words was that we did on Patreon. Did we actually do that? We did do an episode where it was 100 words. That's crazy. You spent the whole thing just guessing what it was. And people on the Discord have been begging for another episode of 100 words.

Had they really? Well, two people mentioned it, I think. And they said that they had developed another episode. So, yeah, we did say. spit it off, Andy. You've done a lot of things, if only you could remember. Yeah.

All right. So, who are these words from? These words are from a listener, known as B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-Sas. It could be B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-Sas. But, okay, so this, but then B-B-B-B-B-B-s says, three words from a little bird. So it's actually these words are from a bird, and I'm glad that they listen to.

And it's nice to have other species listening to the podcast. It is a truly pan species podcast. Yes. Now, do you think Benson Boone, the singer, who I'm sure I brought up before when B. Boone has written in. Sure. I'm not sure if B. Boone is Benson Boone. Oh, that'll be interesting. I mean, Benson Boone obviously does backflips and is very live.

He's very live? It's a little lithe, lithe, like he's very flexible and agile, and, you know, he can flip around and spin and stuff. Yeah. Which is what you've got to be able to do these days. But do you think his name, baboon, is a little hint that maybe he is secretly just a shaven baboon. That would make sense. He would make sense. I mean, a lot of the time in fiction, people hide little clues.

You know, in their name, they rearrange the letters of vicious murderer or something like that. And then, you know, that would be, you know, like, homicidal maniac. Actually, if you rearrange the letters of his name, it actually says homicidal maniac. Exactly. And so baboon, by the way, what an animal to choose to be a shaved version of. Yeah. You know, like it's... I mean, we'll never know until we see his ass.

That's right. Yeah. And mid-back flip is the best chance. It's true. Because, you know, unless he's wearing... He wears a lot of jumpsuits, which I presume is so that there's no chance of the pants slipping down. That's right. Yeah.

And if he is wearing pants, I wouldn't be surprised if he's using that tape that, um, women in dresses used to keep their boobs in. They're baboobes. Well, they're baboops. And he does it to conceal his baboon ass. Yes. Not a hint. He's not even giving us a hint outside of his name.

Outside of the hint that he's giving us. You get one hint. And it's in my name. That's what he keeps saying at him. interviews um anyway thank you thank you the little bird of of be boon okay so andy um be boon's little bird has sent in three words and you're gonna have to guess them um three little words by my doorstep by my doorstep um so it's a guy saying goodbye to his doorstep Fuck

By my doorstep Like imagine if it started like that By my doorstep See ya later Little doorstep Yeah Yeah that's true Yeah gonna miss you

Doorstep First word is You are my life Phalanx The first word is Phalanks P-H-A-L-N-X You almost couldn't be further

With your guess The first word, Andy, is a kubra-cadabra. A kubra-kidabra. Yeah. Oh, that's funny. I made a lebrat-le-cadoodle joke today. Wow. Like, I was sort of, you know.

I was picking up on something. You're sharing a brain with this bird. Yeah, bird brain Right, second word So it was abracadabra Acubra cadabra Okay Are they all going to be

Are they all going to be No, no That's the only hint I'm giving you I'm only get one hint Are they all going to be a magic hat You're only getting Andy, you're only getting two hints I'm a shaved baboon

And the others aren't like that Okay Um, Akubra Kadabra would have been a great name for the sorting hat in Harry Potter, since we're talking about Harry Potter. And a great way. This is a very special Harry Potter episode. Well, so, but, but if, if they had like a sort of a, like a cowboyish kind of hat. Yeah, yeah, Aussie cowboy style hat. Um, okay, the second word, um, crab.

I'm sorry, Andy. The second word is outback. Okay. Okay. Wizard? You are incredibly close. Actually, after reading the final word, you've essentially stumbled on the idea. It is magician. Akubra cadavera. You say stumbled upon the idea.

it's random. I worked it out. I didn't stumble upon it. I discovered the idea. I found it by looking for it. Like, when they found the... You fell onto this idea by accident. I mean, I guess the final two words were essentially in the first word. Yeah, no, it was all there. Outback Wizard, though, that's funny. Ozzy Wizard, you know? The Wizard of Oz. A. U.S.?

He's a Bush wizard. George W. Bush. Wizard. George W Bush Wizard. I mean... Oh, it's such a good idea. Magic President. He's the first.

He is so... He's this man. magic guy that if he reads books to children, incredible atrocities happen. Oh, no. Nobody's ever

drawn that link before. Everyone's treated it like it's a coincidence. A terrible, you know, twist of fate that he was reading that book to those children when... In fact, it is what caused. it. He was cursed by some, you know, probably by some Iraqi person or Kuwaiti person

during, while his dad was invading the first, during the first Gulf War. I mean, people talk about, you know, people have said that Donald Trump can't read, right? He doesn't. Maybe, maybe George Bush can't read. Not in the sense that he lack. the ability to read, he can't read, because when he reads, if he does. Incredible atrocities happen to America. Yeah, yeah. That's why he's gone into painting, the visual form, something that doesn't have words in it.

Nothing could be further from reading. I mean, he paints those little, he paints those little, he paints those little dogs. He paints John Howard, I think, as well. Did he really? Yeah, I think he did a portrait. Do you think he was painting a little dog? And then he was like, you know what, this one looks,

he was painting a pug. He was painting a fucked up pug. He was like, you know what, this one looks a bit like John. Let's just, I'll just, I'll just say. Only a few strokes away. Yeah. Little Johnny. Okay, wait, so wait, magic.

Bush Wizard Reads reads books Causes atrocities It's a real curse he's got there Does the W stand for wizard

In George W. Bush Does anyone know what it stands for? Is it Winston? Has anybody checked? Oh I think it might be wizard I think it is wizard Andy There's no possible opportunity

For it to be anything else is it Winston You You fuck Okay wait Are we trying also the other Bush magician No we did it

We did it It's the sketch idea Yeah that's true You're right Andy It is magical I think it'd be fun to reveal That that was what was going on imagine if like

one of the things was that that was actually keeping the American empire dominating was that the Bush family had magic powers and once Jeb wasn't able to get to beat Trump in the

presidency for the presidency America lost their power to be, to have, like, magic continue to prop them up and keep them going. And that's why the empire is tumbling. Turned their back on that magical dynasty. Yeah. That had done such a good job.

One of the richest families, you know, in America. And they've had that through, through, you know, centuries because of their magic. Are they actually a really rich family? I think they're a very rich family, yeah. Man, once again, an honest Joe like you or me can't make it. Just because we don't have, A, billions of dollars, and B, magic powers. That's the only two things. Alistair, take us to the sketch ideas.

And their name, Bush, their name Bush is actually from the, it's the same as the burning bush. that Moses was looking at. Really? Yeah, it's the same one. They're actually descendants of that bush. Of that bush? The magic, but it was actually one of them talking to, what was this number? Moses.

Was it Moses? Yeah, it was Moses. I don't actually remember. The burning bush, yeah. I was just, I always confused Moses and Noah. Ah. I don't know, Noah, which one it is. None of the bushes around Noah are bloody burning.

I'll tell you what, they will put out. on account of all the water from that flood. That's right. Probably coals by the bush. Sure. Alastair, take us through the sketch idea. All right, Andy. It feels like you've completely checked out.

You're like, I'm done with this. Get me out of here. Get me the fuck out of here. We've got aliens share their advanced tech with us, but it's just a mouth organ. A bing bong ding down ding down ding. You can have this. We're ready for what you guys want to share with us.

And then we give them, you know, we give them like a tank. We give them microwaves. Yeah, that would be cool. I mean, that would be great. That's like real old school, like, Silk Road trading kind of thing where you're like, fuck, I will be able to use this. I'll be able to sell this to thing. It's a thing.

We've got to thing. We got adding wheels to a horse. And then that thing that you said that, um, I said was a really good idea, but I wasn't listening. Yep. Do you want to say what it is? No, I'll never say it again. Okay.

We got slap hurts most because they show that they could be caressing your face, but they don't. Yep. Yeah. Then you've got random movie or mini-series where everybody is dying randomly, and we have to see how people deal with it. Yep. We've got the magic book shop, but you put the book in the wrong section and things appear in the shop it's the things in the bookshop shelf

it's cold um yes full we've got fullest stop final stop um it also implies empty stop but we haven't gone into that about all the things that imply

um we've got the we've got incomplete another fuck up I don't know I don't think that's a sketch or anything but I don't it felt like there was something there sure and then we got the magic bush wizard, which is George Bush, W. Bush, reads, if he reads a book, it causes global atrocities.

Yeah, right. On the, on the random movie thing, you could have a movie where the killer is a disgruntled, you know, like somebody who, like, hates people using the word, misusing the word literally or something like, or, or using the word. random or something like that. Um, that's, that's why they're targeting people. Um, they discover that they're only attacking people, who say like a lot or something in their speech. No, Andy, this isn't random. This is, this is, this is like, this is a different movie.

This is a different movie. This is a pedant. The pedant killings. A serial killer pedant. Yeah. That's cool. I mean, look, that it feels like something. that they would do

those pedants and then he engraves the mistake that they made on their chest or on their forehead or something yes

cuts out their tongue he types in random in there and he's like he did because he thinks that they use the word random incorrectly and then the next one

is literally and then the next one is What's that? Yeah, like, what's that one? Oh, what's one of those things that people say isn't a word there? Oh, likes. Yep, one of those ones.

Yeah, one of those ones. All right, Andy's back on the get. Let's get out of this. Thank you very much. Oh, we've got to do the song. Oh, digger dang ding ding ding ding ding dang dang. Degger dang dang dang dang dinga dang dang dinga ding ding ding ding ding ding dang dang. Digga diga dang dang dang ding dang do

Bung bang bang bing bang bing bang bong bing bang bong bing bong bing bong bong bong bong Alistair I think we're getting delirious we haven't even done the 500th episode These episodes are getting more delirious. Yeah, but that's cool. It's a gift to be able to be delirious with people. Exactly, a state of delirium. And please do go to that possible link in the show notes. Come and see the live show.

You're able to come to the live show. People are booking tickets. People are. They're selling. They're selling pretty quick. I'm excited. I can't believe it. We're going to do something.

Yeah. It's really nice. Yeah. It's all... I'm going to get to see Alistair. Yeah. I'm going to get to see Andy. We're going to go see...

We're going to go see... I'm going to go see your beloved's show at the fringe on the night that I arrive. My beloved. Carly Milroy has a show called Rat at the Fringe Festival coming up book a ticket to that. I'll put a link to that in the show notes. Do that. Five, eight shows.

It's a one woman musical about to fix education forever. That's really great. It's very funny. I was hearing one of the songs just before I started the podcast. She's much more musical than I am. It's very good. That's great. Well,

put that, you know what? Go in there. Go in that show notes and really click everything that's in there. Hang out in the show notes. Open them all in tabs, separate tabs. Yeah. Open them all in the same tab. That's my...

Oh. Yeah. All right. Let's get out of here. Thank you so much for listening, everybody. We appreciate it. You're the best. We are, and that's why we love you.

Yeah. Oh, and we love you. Love you. Bye. Bye. ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's the show that we recommend. Hi, I'm Mike Figgis.

I wrote and directed movies like leaving Las Vegas and time code. And recently, I was on the set of Francis Ford Coppola's infamous passion project, Megalopolis, making a fly-on-the-wall documentary. In Unfiltered, the Mike Figures Podcasts, I'll share stories of watching a mad gene, years at work. Get unfiltered. The microfigure's podcast, wherever you get podcasts.