Two In The Think Tank - 496 - "THE LEROY RANDALL GUARANTEE"

Episode Date: October 5, 2025

Please do head to our Pozible to buy Live Show tickets, A Listener hats, and support the 500th ep. Thank you. It means the world.Reverse Zoo, Digital Tapestry, Shark Tank with Magicians, Tongue Sojourn, Used Mattress Salesman, Victoria Cross, Getting Even with Chris, Make Old Signs OldCheck out Andy's beloved, Carly, in this comedy musical at the Melbourne FringeCheck out the sketch spreadsheet by Will Runt hereAnd visit the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here(Oh, and we love you) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, my name is Alistair from the Two in the Think Tank podcast. I'm here to promote our live show, maybe first and only live show on October 11th at Stupid Old Studios, now Humdinger Studios at 12 p.m. That's midday, and that's only like six days away from now. Why don't you come down. Look in the show notes and you will see a possible link where you can buy tickets and or hats. This is, think of it as fundraising to get Alistair across the world. to see you. That seems like a crazy reverse zoo where you fly the patron across the world

to look at you while he does a podcast. Think about it. I will. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk in this pit. Here you go. But I just want to say, what a great idea for a reverse zoo. Yeah. Where the animals look at you.

All right. And you fly them from the other side of the world. Exotic animals. You flop. Exactly, right. Oh, we're not supposed to do this in this section. Anyway, okay, let's start the song. Ming, Ming, Ming, Ming, Ming, Ming, Ming, Ming, Ming, Ming, bing, bing, ming, bing, bing, bing, d dittal.

Hello, and welcome to Tune the Thinkank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I am Andy. And I am Alastair George, William, Pomblay, Virtual. I am absolutely writing down that first sketch idea. Zoo. We're going to be out of here I mean Wouldn't that be great

You know We finished the whole show In the ad Before the song We do the song Read out the sketch ideas And we're out of here Yeah

That's that's It's a format It's a safari for the animals It's an animal's safari You know And you Oh yeah And you put them in the little

On this safari, the rhinoceros drives the bus. I mean, a lot of the work has gone into just designing a bus that a rhino can, one, get on to, and two, work and learn how to use the pedals. Yeah, well, that's the thing, isn't it? I mean, you can build a, you can build a bus that can accommodate a rhinocerus, driver. But can you make him drink from the deep well

of knowledge that and how to drive a bus? I think even just thinking about me starting this as a business, I think my, I would we would go broke just working on this bus

which is the first hurdle. We have not even gone anywhere near to even purchasing the land. We have I'm just arguing with engineers I strongly suspect that a rhinoceros might be one of those creatures that is like

I think they might not I think they might be one of the hardest creatures to teach to learn to drive a bus I think they might be temperamentally incompatible with the whole idea of bus driving you know you think about a creature that is designed to charge at top speed

in a straight line, not stop for anything, right? Like, indeed, not stopping is sort of probably its main thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I think the whole, you know, I've got to stop so people can get on and off. I can't just drive straight through the middle of them with my big spike. And this is crazy because it is a tour bus, so he doesn't really need to stop that much. But these are the kind of arguments. These are the kind of arguments that we're having, you know?

That's true. I forgot that safaris don't have bus stops for the bus. Got a lot of people there in the middle of the Savannah, desperately hoping that they could get on. In Africa, going, oh, my God, I hope a bus comes. I hope a bus comes. I have the barry bus. Very hungry animals.

Which animal, which And then the bus doors open And it is a rhino Driving the bus But experimental But I reckon both the design And the getting of bus made And me trying to train a person

Who can train rhinos How to drive a bus Right? I think that's where everything will fall apart I will lose all my money On the bus design And on the bus and I will lose my mind

because I've chosen to train them myself. Oh, you really have lost everything. And there's no, I mean, there's just no precedent for it, you know? So that's why I have to try to learn how to do it from first principles. And I'm trying to teach somebody to teach. So I'm having to teach them pedagogy. Rhino-prudiclosurus, which I don't know.

Yeah, yeah. Alistair, you know what I admire, though, is the fact that you're unwilling to compromise on any of the details. On the one detail we came up with. Yeah, that's right. Well, maybe we don't need a thing.

If you've only got one detail and you compromise on that, you've got nothing. You've got nothing. If you compromise on that, detail? What have you got? That's the whole idea. This is me yelling and spitting in the face of the person who's trying to tell me to give up on the rhino, trust or everything. I'm like, it's the only detail I've come up with. If I don't have that, I have. Halfway through my business loans.

there's loads that you did get you got all this money you got all these investors incredible we bought a zoo we'll make a movie about it called the sequel we bought a zoo the series called

we should distract it and drop the bus they can be driven by her own also Brack, it's supposed to be a reverse zoo where the animals are driven to you. I don't know. Forget it. It's an animal, for an animal safari, where the animals come and look at humans. Actually, they're just driving through town. Alistead sounds like a terrible idea, right? All of this sounds bad, but what if I then, I tell you all of this, and then I say,

directed by Jorgos Lantios, okay? Yeah. Now, suddenly, it doesn't seem so crazy, is it? It doesn't seem like even like a comedy idea. It seems like we're going to feel something watching this, feel something weird. Yep. New parts of my emotional tapestry are going to flare to life. Oh, a living tapestry.

That's right. With flares. Yeah. Seems to be illuminated somehow. A tapestry with dead bits and living bits. Oh, very interesting. They can just spontaneously come to life. Can I tell you this?

What's that? I reckon tapestries, I reckon there's going to be a... I reckon tapestries might have a role to play in the future of screens. Oh, yeah. Like, it's easy for you to laugh at this idea, to mock. I'm finding it really easy so far. The idea of my tapestry flaring to life. But I think that if you went to some venture capitalists

and you just said the words digital tapestry. Yeah. Okay. Or, you know, optic fiber weaving. I mean, you know, cross-stitch with optic fibers. I'd have to hand them a napkin because of the salivating they'd be doing. Exactly right. The, I understand that...

I hear them gargling on their own. On that show, shark tank, they, the only reason they have to have a tank is to keep in all the saliva. And the sharks actually swim in a, in their own salivary liquid. Spit, thank you. There's the word. And then I throw a blanket on top. I'll say, this is digital, and then it overflows. How many units have you sold? I don't know.

I haven't been keeping track. They love to ask that, don't they? I feel like it should be illegal for the people on the Shark Tank show to ask you how many units you've sold or how much money you, what was your revenue in the last 12 months. I don't think they should be allowed to know that. I think, because for me, they, if they know that, like, if they, if you're like, oh, we, the business already makes this much money, then they're not really, they're not really, you know, risking anything, you know, they're not making a, yeah, they're not making a no brain a business decision. That's right. And you know what I found out as well from listening to Mark Cuban, apparently afterwards, uh, they also go and check everything you've said based on your business documents, which I think they shouldn't also not be allowed to do. That's not in the spirit of it

As far as I'm concerned I think they have to be using their business acumen Yes and their intuition And I think if you can trick them into giving you money You should get to keep that money Yeah Oh absolutely Yeah

Because what else What other What other opportunity does the small guy have The little man I think they should combine Shark Tank With pen and tellers

fool us yes and and on every episode of Shark Tank there's say four real business pictures

and there's four magicians who are trying to trick you into thinking they have a business idea or maybe a gadget or a gizmo some kind of an invention you know

there'll be something where you put a carrot into this tube and it comes out perfectly cut into cubes, right? Yeah, absolutely. And you don't know if that's really a thing they've made or if they've just done that with sleight of hand. Oh, but imagine doing both where you come up with a device that looks like it cuts cheese into cubes, right?

Yeah. But actually it doesn't, but the machine has slight a hand built into it. And every time someone uses it, they think that their cheese has been cubed. Some kind of thing, and then they go to bite into it. It's a slab. When the cheese isn't really in cubes,

it looks like it's in cubes, and then they pick it up. And as they can see it coming up to their mouth, they can see that it looks like it's a cube, and then as soon as their teeth hit it, full slab. I, what? I, speaking from personal experience, I would advise the listeners against trying to imagine

what Alice is talking about. I don't think it's healthy and I don't think I can in good conscience allow you to try and engage mentally with that idea. It's a magician businessman so he can make, he can, his tricks are in his products. And so you're like, oh my God, look at this beautiful plight of Cube Chewere You put it on a, you know, you put it on a dish like that, you ready to serve it up to your guests, right? They come out and they're like, oh, a big plate of cute cheese, amazing. Like that, they also fall under its illusion, right?

And they pick it up, they're eating the whole block. They've got the whole block. It's a huge faux part. You walk in, you know, somebody else walks in from the party. They can see somebody biting into a one kilo block of cheese. Oh, my goodness. Because they weren't there for any of the setup. That's right.

It's already hit their teeth. Mm. You know? Yep. And then the illusion is stripped away. I mean, I think they should, whoever this magician is. Yeah. They should release an entire kitchen's worth of appliances.

Oh, my God. You can get your entire kitchen kitted out with these magicians, kitchen magician stuff. I mean, that does sound like the name of a product, like of a product line. The kitchen magician. The kitchen magician. Of course it does. Of course it does. And, you know, you've made a whole banquet.

You know, you've laid out the whole table with this heaving with this glorious, sumptuous, delicious looking banquet of food. Yes. The guests arrive, everyone sits down. They reach to pick up this piece of perfect chicken, perfectly roasted chicken. It's just raw. It's just raw. and it's a whole chicken. And it's, every single, every slice is actually just a whole raw chicken.

Oh my God. Every slice is a whole raw chicken. You've got 25 raw chickens on your hands and they're getting warmer. It's getting warmer by the second. I love it. I mean, I thought, you know, if they were approaching room temperature with an vengeance. You pull, you pull a drumstick off of the thing. you bring it to your mouth

because it's it's when it touches your teeth that's when the illusion always breaks right yeah and then I was like and then I thought it's actually turkey that's not a good allusion but

but I like it you put it you it touches your mouth raw drumstick yes oh yes now just out of curiosity this is you know and I know this probably already was

funny enough or enough of an idea, but this digital tapestry, what will it do? What does it do? You know, I feel like, is it just, is your whole blank at the screen? I love that you start with like, it's obviously already enough of an idea. It's obviously already funny. The idea's perfect, but just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, you start with, like, it's obviously, for clarity. What is it? I want to write it out of it. Now, you seem to think it's a blanket. Tapestries are not blankets. Oh, what's a tapestry? So when you hang on a wall? Do you think you have a quilt? Well, I thought a tapestry, a blanket could be a tapestry. No, I think a tapestry is like, you know, you hang it on a wall, it's a work of art. It depicts a scene or, you know, a pattern or something that's done.

with, you know, specific weaving techniques to create this thing. You know, but when I see one of those... When I see one of those, I pull them off the wall and I cover myself in it. Give me that. Yes, you there. This cloth.

It goes on my body. Cloth is cloth, my cloth is cloth. Okay. And so it's like weaving itself. It's, you know, it's changing. Is it a moving image? Do you think? It probably is.

I mean, I think that what it would, and I haven't gone into the real, in depth into the development of this idea, but I think using the weaving of these fibers, these optical fibers, possibly, I think that'll allow us to make a flexible screen. Okay? Oh, yeah.

And it, I mean, obviously, as I pitch a tapestry to you, all it does is hang on a wall and is flat, And this is flexible anyway. And you look at it. So, I mean, you might argue that the job of the, you know, just use a regular television. Sure. But what this would be able to do, Alistair and my digital tapestry, you would be able to be used more like a blanket.

So you should take it off the wall, wrap it around yourself, you know. Because I was wondering whether or not it's like, you know, being able to turn your duneer, your duvet into a full, screen, you know, and watch it from that. I've got to say, I don't like hearing you say Duna. Dooner? Why not? Dooner. I know. I don't like that either. It doesn't read it right.

Americans. And also, it's spelled D-O-O-N-A. It's also spelled D-O-N-A. So it's actually D-N-R-N-A. That's just how I used to say it before I'd seen it. Before I had seen it. What do you think? Before you knew what the letters were behind the word.

Alastair, can I tell you today if it was something that happened to me? What did it? What was it? We went down to visit our block and some mowing had been done there. Yeah, like you're the property that you'll. Yes, that's right. Immediately we got out of the car and it felt like sooner than this could feasibly have happened. My son, Arlo, had grabbed a huge handful of grass.

Now, we were going down there to spend quite a bit of time down at the block, do some work around the block. Quite a hot day here today, unseasonably warm. So it's going to be sweaty. We're going to be doing work. Immediately, Arlo grabs this big handful of grass, shoves it down the back of my neck, of my shirt. Yeah.

And it Almost all of it Immediately goes straight down my shirt and into my underpants Oh my gosh Into my into I don't know how it was sort of funneled straight down And so the immediate thing is I have My pants are full of grass flippings And

Oh Look I will say that that is how it felt. Yeah. It felt like my pants were full of raw. Like when you get like a bit of sand in your mouth, it feels like your entire mouth is filled with sand.

Exactly right. Yes. Like if I had to ask my tongue how big it thinks my teeth are, it would say they're three or four stories hot. I think the tongue... As big as a rhinoceros driving a bus. But the... But the mouth is the tongue's whole.

whole world. And so it has no sense of perspective. I mean, really what we do need is, and again, we've talked about this, we need the tongue to be able to go on. You know how long the Irish? They have the room spring. When, you know, children come of age, they're able to go and spend a year out in the world to see if they want to come back to the Amish community. We need that for the tongue. The tongue should be allowed to go out every now and then use an escalator. Come back Tung stuck at the escalator Come back

Oh my God The tongue's riding it Doesn't quite know about the thing It just gets stuck under those like spiky bits That are kind of Well I think a tongue You know

Much as a rhinoceros is singularly illiquid to drive a bus I think a tongue Is really not One of the worst things It doesn't have what it takes It could easily fall into one of the grooves You know And then it just gets sucked in

gets spiked by the, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's basically, it's basically a child's shoelace, a wet child's shoelace, but in our mouth. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean. Okay, so, okay, wait, I'm going to talk about the tongue, the tongue, um,ish style sejour.

Yeah, but anyway, the, um, what did you call it? A seizure. Isn't that what people call them? I've never heard that expression. Wasn't that? Oh, look, I'm probably... Isn't it... Are you mean a sojourn?

Yeah, sojourn. I always thought I've heard people say sejour. You've probably been hanging out with the French. Sojourn. It's just like something they would say. Oh, my God, sojourn. I've just, I've had, I've had, I've had, uh, the Google, the Google thing pronounce it to me just now. I'm, you know, I'm, I'm not feeling good, Andy.

you know it's not it's not making me have confidence of myself the number of years that I've I've held this in my head and you say that word a lot oh my gosh changing speak to a lot of a lot of vagabonds a lot of um yeah troubadours yeah uh uh sort of road people that's like those are like street people but road people long distance long distance Oh yes You know I would never want to be somebody who lives on the streets Yeah

If I would live anywhere It would be on a highway Maybe an avenue Maybe a freeway Maybe a crescent I could be a crescent person Sure absolutely I could live on a crescent Yeah

But not a street But you know Get to not a street Maybe a Maybe a boulevard Is that a how you say that? Yeah, no.

You did grow. A sojourn along a boulevard. Anyway, the point was... Yeah, yes, okay, you've absolutely packed your dacks with grass. Grass clivings. Grass in my underpants. And I wasn't in a position to get this out in any meaningful way. Were there people there who weren't part of your family who were watching at the time?

And you just couldn't get your hand into your sort of wet... sweaty, but filled with... They, they, these, the people who were watching were part of my family, but not the parts of my family that I think I can, I can empty your, your pants. So we're talking like cousins and sort of aunts and things like that, were there? We're talking father-in-law, you know, we're talking that sort of territory. Okay. And, um, and then also the neighbor came over with his young,

daughters, and it just all became. Yeah, you can't be reaching into your pants with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just made the decision, I'm just going to, I'm just going to accept this. Yeah, right? Like a tattoo. Like a bad tattoo. Yeah, and then, and then five hours later, quite a bit of sweaty work later, I get home.

Oh, my God, look it. I take off my underpants. Yeah. There's maybe like two very small pieces of grass. You're just expecting like a wilted salad in there. In my mind, it was absolute fistfuls like a, yeah, like a lawn. Just drenched in an Andy sweat vinaigrette. But it was just the, it was just perception.

It was all perception. Which is almost every... Anyway, was there a point to this? Yeah. Oh, yeah, the point to this was that I had a much grassy ass. Ah. You had a... That's on.

Thank you very much. I had a thank you very much. And I'll just tell you... What they would... And what they would call in Mexico, a thank you very much. And, you know, then me and her, well, we had a bit of a... Thank you very much. You know, like, I think that that's a very good bit of innuendo because it's so grateful.

Oh, my lord. You know, and, uh, you know, and of course, you know, one thing led to another, and, uh, we had a, uh, merci bucou. I cannot express my appreciation. That's right. Sufficiently. Words cannot do justice. Yeah. Let's just say.

Gratitude. I'll go over the Order of Australia. I'm just trying to name what award would be the best sort of, you know. Oh. Oh, Victoria Cross. Oh, I gave her the... Boh. yuck

let's just say I got something a bit sort of like what's that demon movie where the head turns and the vomit comes out uh exorcist yeah I think it had a bit of the exorcist about it and they're familiar

ah a touch of the exorcist well sure I uh I had something happened the other day that I don't feel like I can tell you actually right now because there's people within ear shot

even though I would record it in broadcast can you tell me and the listener in some kind of coded way I had returned from a long journey across the sea and had not had not engaged in any thankful activities in a long time And then did. And it was nothing like, it was nothing weird. It was nothing spectacular. I was assuming it was very weird.

It was just a very nice time. Right? But I guess you could say I was keen. at the beginning I was I was like essentially in bed asleep right

kind of you know like but somehow part of my brain was still awake and as soon as a person with whom

I was thankful appeared I went immediately I went what do you think my brain kind of woke up anyway

Anyway, you tapped yourself on the shoulder I'll tap myself, yeah Yeah Anyway, in the morning I get up And Oh my God, I can't believe I'm going to tell you this My youngest child

Who is not old enough to understand Goes, what is that on your belly All right And And it was, I didn't say that this was a lot. It was essentially all along my belly, a one of my liquids that my body needs to live. Oh, no.

The main one. The red one. Yeah, wow. Okay. And, uh, and I, and I, go, oh, sorry, I painted that on there. That's just a thing. I'll go clean it off.

You know, completely, anyway. And then find that there's some everywhere, and it's from me. And had been coming out throughout the night. In a high-pressure situation. Yeah. Yeah. But that it wasn't coming from deep, but from, like, a cut somewhere inside near the end. Because immediately, of course, I was like, oh, my God, I got a call.

And it turned out to be nothing, really. But a very weird and, like, you go momentarily, you're like, oh, well, this is the end. I've sprung a lake. This will not be repaired. This is like the Titanic. People will try and plug this. It will not be... The thing is, what you're dealing with

is a part of the human anatomy that is designed to get a whole, as much liquid out of it as quickly as possible. That's all it knows how to do. That's its priority. And it can't imagine, again, like a rhinoceros driving a bus. It doesn't... It's not temperamentally suited to...

to dealing with that kind of situation, you know, a reversal of fortune. Yeah, well, and here's the, the kicker for me is that it genuinely like went through and stained the mattress, all right? Oh, I'll stay. And my first thought, my first thought when I saw blood on the mattress was, well, no one's going to think that was me. I was like, I'm not taking a hit for that. You've got plausible deniability for days. What are they going to think? No court on earth would convict you.

No jury. I'll be able to sell this mattress. Confidently knowing that I'm free. Don't worry, that blood's not mine. All right, now. Let's talk price. I'm thinking $700. It's either that,

take it or I'll leave it on the side of the road. I mean, this is a used mattress, so you're already willing to pay top dollar. You're already coming in thinking, I am ready to part with some money today. I'm going to come away walking with my wallet considerably lighter. Now, you have been Googling, used mattresses on marketplace

and so I know I know your sound of mine your sound of mine and you're flush with cash I mean can we have the the used mattress salesman that's a sketch

yeah you go see my father was a used mattress salesman so we we were doing okay we had that used mattress money. Oh man, the used mattress salesman is a great character. Hmm.

What's his name? How can I get you to like on top of this? And he's like, there's just that weird, like, piss stain all over. Don't worry, that's not my piss. Hey, I don't piss on these myself. this is a friend gave you this none of this

it's my piss believe me if that was my piss you'd know you'd know and then he goes hang on a second

and then he and then he pisses he turns out his back and he pisses in a little beaker and he's going and he shows him

the piss yeah and there's just something very unique about what it looks like and he's like

so you see next time just take my word for it eh a lot of customers come in and they're

very concerned to know whether the piss is mine. Let me tell you. You don't have anything to worry about in that department. That department, I can guarantee. And then he goes, That is my guarantee.

That is my guarantee. This is my piss. All my mattresses are guaranteed. None of this is my piss. That is my guarantee. Sorry. What do you reckon his name is Leroy? Randall.

That is my... Yes. Stefan. Okay. What was the last one? I mean, Randall's pretty good. Even if it's his last thing. Leroy Randall?

Mm-hmm. Excellent. Andy, technically we have five sketch ideas here. What do you think about that? Mm. Hey? Oh, yes. I feel good.

Do you think that we should go to three words from a listener? Okay. Yeah? Would you be willing to attempt this? How about you go there and I'll meet you there? Okay. Well, this listener that we've got, I don't know if you know this, Andy, but somebody who... I'm here.

Somebody who listens to the podcast can donate $3 to the Patreon and then get their words on the audio screen that is this podcast. Yeah. Let's get damn words on. on that audio. That's right. And, and, uh, this listener, this A listener is, is known by the name Jim Little. Jim Little. Jim Little.

Jimmy. Jim Little. You know what, Jim Little? I would love to hear a song about your exploits because I feel like you probably, you know, I, I can, I can absolutely imagine hearing a guy with a band. Joe, sing a song about what Jim Little's been up to, all across this great state of Kentucky. You wouldn't be surprised to find out that Jim Little is actually just a nickname. It's just a shortened version of his real name, James Big. Oh, yeah.

I mean, he might be Jim Little by name, but he's James Big by nature. That's right. Absolutely. James Large. I should be James Large. I feel embarrassed But I guess James Big makes the joke more clear

Forget it I think it was fun Yeah Can I read you What Jim Little said Yes Jim Little says I have three words

From Jim Little Esclamation point Jim Little Jim Little and I'm looking at the first one, and I'm hoping that you will guess it. So we know they're from a listener. We know which listener it is.

This is clear. Yeah, I mean, didn't say what he's listening to, what he's a listener of. But that's okay. That's okay. But now, look, Andy, I am looking at this first word. I am hoping for you to guess it,

and I am hoping that I will not be disappointed. Okay. The first word is, prenatal oh you've got you've got the first two vowels in the right order it's eBay

okay second word for eBay 4 eBay 4 are you saying F-O-R or F-O-U-R F-O-R No I'm sorry

the second word is Herculeses I think of all the tricks that you play on me it's the one where you get me to specify which of the possible homophones it is before you tell me none of them are right is I think that's the cruelest I think that's the

finest trick It's a fun game to find new strategies for Yeah And you're doing great Thank you so much So Herculeses eBay Herculeses

Apostrophe S Even though You know You know what to be apostrophe Okay so it feels like There's going to be a thing You know like a third thing Oh could be

eBay Hercules's I mean tasks He had 12 tasks But how would you eBay his tasks What else happened to Hercules Did he return Did he accidentally kill his wife or something like that? Did he...

eBay Hercules is... No, wait, he killed my wife. Oh, I don't. What? I've got to attack Hercules. Get my revenge. You were famously married to a hydra. Um, okay.

Um, okay. And last word is... hat hat you're actually close Andy but it's um trousers it was one of the most getable words it was one of the most getable words for you it's probably one of your highest guesses

yeah wow I do feel like I could have got that yeah eBay Hercules's trousers that's good yeah His pants, his pantalones, his bloomers. They really, when they, they really went cut sick with the names for trousers back in the day.

Well, pantaloons. Yeah. You know? Yeah, like they had letters to spare. Double O at the end. They really did. Crazy. They had letters to spare.

They had time to burn. Mm. You know? And they had very little shame. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think there's still a little bit of that tradition in the United Kingdom, where they still refer to use pants to mean pants. They will, you know, that's underpants for them. And they...

Yes. Whereas, you know, underpants, they don't want to use a longer word. They don't want to talk about them being under. They're saying, like they... Are they embarrassed? Could be. They might use undergarments. The word unmentionables.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Maybe they use ungarned. undergarments and unmentionables, which is, you know, for somebody who doesn't want to mention it, you're spending a long time talking. I, I mean, I think I'm going to start a, they should really call Victoria's Secret unmentionables. I mean, that is what, I guess that's what, that's almost a euphemism for it.

Is that why it's a secret? Maybe. Because, yeah, I thought maybe the secret was the vagina. Ah, it would be good to get to get some answers on that. Yeah. Because the secret, you know, I guess a secret is, I mean, it's sort of like a word letting you know that there's something to be known. There's something you don't know. Yes.

Right? And so I think the underpan is the secret because it's there letting you know that there's something inside there that you don't know what, you might not know what it is. Mm-hmm. And, but you've got a strong feeling it might be a vagina. You've got a strong feeling. It could be, you know, or it could just, or it could just be flat. Is the Victoria in Victoria's secret? Is that Queen Victoria?

I mean, I can't imagine any other use of that term. I've actually seen Queen Victoria's unpaid. I think, yeah, a pair of... When they were seen Paris and France? Up for auction. I think they're on. eBay, actually. I think Queen Victoria's underpants were quite possibly on eBay. And they don't look anything like the ones at Victoria's Secret.

Yeah, right. Was there any kind of doily doilying? Maybe a little bit around the edges, but they were very large and white and sort of mostly flat or sort of loose. Yeah. What period was it from in her life? Was it from sort of her grandmother period? The Victorian era Era. Yeah, I think her grandmother It's from the Victorian era. Um, that was good.

Um, okay, we have to come up with a sketch idea from here, but... Okay, all right, fine. Um, um, I, uh... Okay, oh, I had something and it's gone. How good is that? Um, that's a good feeling. No, but what, what, okay, let's say it was somebody like... What about this? Victoria's secretion. Oh.

Sorry. I just had, I had a thought. This was about the Hercules. Let's say Hercules has. It's like a movie like. No, it's not like that. But it's like it's a movie where Hercules does kill a guy's wife. Maybe a modern day Hercules in the, in the today.

What's up? Okay. Yep. Yeah. And I thought maybe the recording had stopped or something. And... And then he does... Hercules does kill his wife.

But this guy is quite weak. And it's the ways in which somebody who's weak, maybe even cowardly and maybe pathetic. I'm thinking of me. And how would he try to enact revenge upon a man of great strength and probably... a lot of people love him and believe in him and think that he's great he's probably sort of like the kind of guy who probably would have a Victoria Cross

and I don't mean that as the innuendo and not talking about Queen Victoria either no although in French here in Quebec's like crossie cross cross crossy kind of does mean

to masturbate really yeah so if you say je me cross I think you're saying I am wanking myself off I'm victoria cross

is I am tossing myself in the way in the way in war time hey in in what in the face of

well Victoria Cross you get it in is to get one in during battle. He dumps up onto out of the trench and runs across

the danger zone whilst whacking off. Across no man's land. Kills 12 men pistol in hand cock in the other. Pistol in hand gun in another.

That's really good. I mean, could we have a story about a forgotten Australian war hero, right? And he was actually our most, um, uh, successful guy in battle, but nobody talks about him because he was always whacking on. And, you know, I mean, one can only imagine what he would have been able to achieve if he'd used both hands to find the enemy. but think about what he did with just one it was incredible

it was incredible and while quite distracted and while there are actually lots of photos of him from World War I they never show any of them they're in a secret room at the Australian War Memorial the 18 behind a curtain with the 18 plus

yeah you're not allowed to go did you ever go to a set that's it i think that's a sketch idea for sure yeah yeah old wanky dunlop wanky dunlop that's good name you can you can pull an ozzie whack off whack off his name wanker's name off the just off the top of your head very very easy very yeah yeah it's nothing to me it's easy that's nothing to me it's easy That is nothing to me. It means nothing to me.

Okay. We don't talk about it. We don't talk about them. Yep. Okay. And then, look, I guess just to finish it off, I feel like we need to tie up the loose end of the, of this sort of Hercules thing started to set up.

How would a weak person try to, I mean, I guess this is like, it's almost any weak, cowardly person trying to, to hurt a rich, beloved, strong person, you know?

Strong and successful person. You know, who's, like how would I go about bringing down Chris Hemsworth? Exactly. Yeah, let's say Chris Hemsworth

has basically, you know, it could just be, Chris Hemsworth has killed your dog with his car. Mm. You know,

maybe it's a more acceptable thing or hit your cat. Maybe that's a more pathetic animal. Like, you know, But it's like an animal that suggests I'm more pathetic, you know, like the weak way. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, there's nothing more pathetic than owning a cat. Not a guy who is a dog. Playing a person who does. Sorry. Sorry. I apologize us. And you're right to correct me. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, what would I do? You know, because like... Far out. Like, you know, like that guy who was the... who was the in Sydney who was the sort of the

guy who would run and then poop somebody's driveway oh yes the poo jogger the poo jogger yeah

that that is the kind of thing that you would have to you would you would probably do a bit of that would be I mean that's

that's it that's sort of you've got this is a form of asymmetrical warfare yeah you've got to look at what you've got

at your disposal what could you do maximum damage yeah um just you know with your own resources your own limited skills yeah what do you know that you can do i can squat and i can shit that's about i can shit but i mean like all that kind of stuff you know anytime you're like i don't know you just you know maybe put little stickers little little stickers that you know like like a tagger but those ones would do the stickers and

you just put a little word of discouragement towards towards Chris Hemsworth I think somebody who loses their mind trying to get even with Chris Hemsworth Oh yeah You know maybe in Byron

You know like He's just Because you know I think Chris Hemsworth lives there Yes And so just trying to find ways of like How do I get back at this guy Who has everything

And I have nothing Without You know I'm not going to try And physically fight him Although maybe right at the end I will I mean, maybe you'd start by just going to some of his movies and shouting out. Oh, this guy sucks. Yeah, trying to, you know, reduce other people's enjoyment of his films and the hope that that has an impact on the overall box office.

Yeah. Oh, I don't think, yeah, at the office water cooler when people are talking about, oh, I don't like that. I don't think that guy is very good, a very good actor. I find his That latest film of his was implausible And the costumes were really bad Yeah, the costumes look too new For how worn in they should have been

Yeah Oh, well that's a criticism That's the thing that always I struggle with in old movies, right? The movie set in the olden days Sometimes they'll have a sign That looks new, right? Which, of course, it should have looked new

in the olden days because it might have just been made like a just painted sign but my brain doesn't allow me to I always think well that looks wrong things from the old and days should look old that sign should look old even though it might have been new then

just make it look old for me it's easier I know you're doing it historically accurate that it would have been new at the time come on we all know it's old they thought it was new at the time but we now we know better. Now we know it is old.

Let me see it old. I'm watching it now. Not back then. You know. Don't try to trick me with you. Yes. Historical accuracy. In some way, historical accuracy does seem how the right wing would call it woke.

I agree. Yeah. the way we perceive it now, right, is correct. And I'm not interested in you rewriting history. History is old. Don't tell me that any of the stuff was new ever, because it's old now. And that means it's always been old.

Yeah. Andy, can I apologize. No, Andy, I've written it down. I've written it down. I've written it down. I've written it down. The highest honour I can bestow upon the spoken word in this podcast. We'll sit in this podcast at the same time.

And that's a beautiful thing. We'll see how the recordings line up. But anyway, all right, Andy, let me take you through. Let me take you through the sketch ideas. zoo where you fly the animals over just look at you or a zoo

slash safari and the guy who's starting this is going broke just based off of the one detail that he's thought of which is

designing a bus that a rhino can drive in teaching and teaching the person to teach the rhino

to drive the bus I'd like that York really caught up on this idea that he's not teaching the rhino himself he's teaching some of it's teaching them because he thinks that they're going to be teaching so many rhinos so we're going to be teaching so many rhinos that I'm not going to be able to do this

I'm not going to I can't be responsible for it you got to learn you've got to learn to delegate yeah he thinks he's setting himself up for success Oh, absolutely. And then we got the digital tapestry. The business people go crazy for it.

They're so into it, Andy. It's such a good idea. And it's funny. We've got the Shark Tank that is a mixture of Shark Tank and Penn and Teller. It's a combo where they tricky things. And there's a lot of magicians on there and their products, their products have illusions within them. including the cubed cheese illusion but every time it touches your teeth

you actually realize it's a full block of cheese and we got the the tongue with the Amish style sojourn and it goes and rides an escalator and somebody has to come to the door maybe the police officers with their hat in their head

and tell them that you're talking what your tongue well the bomb on tongue well you know how it had gone off on a we'd send it off so that it could let it loose in the city so that it could see the world sort of

like the Amish people and well Iqvah was writing this is the best format for this sketch by the way the coughs with the head head in their hand really sadly sad to say Oh no

Then we've got the negotiating Negotiating used mattresses It's the used mattress salesman called I can't remember now Learoy Randall thinks he has a strong negotiating position You'll sleep soundly On

Not on this But knowing that you've got a good deal then we got the Victoria Cross for Guy who was always winking off that we don't talk about and his name was a wanky Dunlop and we got Guy to get even who tries to get even with Chris Henshurth after he killed his cat accidentally and we got the old signs and films should look old not new even though it's correct for the time period

just let me feel good Let me feel good. Let people enjoy things. You're ruining it. I think it's a guy on the phone with the studio. Please. Please. And we all know that all the people in the past, they're skeletons.

They should be played by these parts should be played by skeletons. Everybody should be played by skeletons. I know the people are dead. They're dead. And I know Clint Eastwood. is pretty close to that, but I want him to be full skeleton, even though he is still a lot.

He's young and this, even though he is now old. I might not get around to watching this for a while, by which time he will be dead and a skeleton, so make him a skeleton now, so when I do watch the film. Can you do

make the Andy cut? Get your guys. Get your guys together. I've come giving you three weeks before I'll watch this. Please. Anyway, Andy, so we go to the song? Yes, indeed. Follow up there's bough.

It's really something new for you. Yeah, I decided to go off something. I really like it. I really like it. And then I almost started singing before a lot of this time. And then I stopped myself. But it's another area of the sonic universe of which you are a god. Oh, I think that's what everybody thought when they heard that.

Oh, I'm listening to God. Come to the live show. Well, well, well. Come to the live show. We're literally less than a week away now. That's crazy, man. That's absolutely wild. And you know what I reckon?

Yeah. I reckon we love you. Oh, I reckon we love you. That's right. Take care. Bye.