Two In The Think Tank - 497 - "TWO IN THE THINK TANK, LIVE"

Episode Date: October 13, 2025

Two in the Think Tank was recorded LIVE in at Humdinger Studios in Brunswick, Melbourne. Endless thanks to Humdinger and all the Long TitTTers who bought tickets, showed up, or otherwise supported the podcast.And thanks to everyone who has ever listened. We love you.See you (online) next weekend for the 500th episode, starting 8AM Sunday the 19th of October, 2025, Melbourne time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Understood the making of Musk. Available now wherever you get your podcast. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcast everywhere. acast.com. claim that they started out not thinking about getting an audience. But very few can claim to have maintained that philosophy for 500 episodes. Two in the think tank is such a podcast, but no clear improvement in ability, a rare downward trend in audio quality, and a seeming complete inability to come up with and stick to a single running joke. These two mavericks have bucked every

trend that has seen podcasts generally become the massive success that they are today. but to their credit the creators have stayed true to the original concept of the podcast a long-term longitudinal study of the effects of different types of tiredness on the human brain both on a minute-to-minute level and then in a sort of deeper, more fundamental way over decades.

Nevertheless, a small core of dedicated A-listeners have stuck with this show much like a dear friend would linger by the bedside of a dying man. And now, that relationship is about to be taken to the next level as Andy and Al attempt to take something the head, have previously only done privately in a small room

and now do it publicly for people to see, like taking your first shit in an experimental open-planned toilet. Who knows if they will be able to perform? Please welcome to the stage, Andy and Alistair George William Trombley Birchall. Thank you. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank Live. The show, oh, I'm Andy.

No, wait, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair, George William, Trombly Virtual. Thank you so much for being here, everybody. Oh, I'm new to you. I don't know what gets a slap. Yes. this genuinely is my fear Alastair

that it might not be possible to do this podcast live because I feel like you should have told me this at least a few weeks ago or we should have made it clear on the website when people were ordering tickets Oh that like we might just have to cancel three minutes in It might not work. It might not work

It might be nothing. Yeah I mean that's fine. That's okay That's okay. That actually is a huge weight off mind. That's great. I mean, I think I have heard it's a great thing to sort of voice everything that you are worried about. I've heard this too. Is there sketching that? Yeah, I think there absolutely could be. Yeah. Okay. It's a guy. It's also, yeah, okay, who's struggling at work. Yes, right? And he's got a bit of performance anxiety before a presentation to a board. A board, maybe.

A board. Yeah? Yeah, like not a wood, not a wooden plank. But imagine if it was. It's too silly even for this. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, but it distracts from the main idea. But it is true that they do sit around like a big boardroom table, which is basically a big wooden plank.

That's right. I mean, they talk about the board, but are they described... Okay, I know this is really stupid, okay? But when they're talking about the board, they are referring to the people. but are they called the board because they're around a big plank of wood? I think it's entirely possible. Is that what it is? It's like the board is itself the table.

The board is the table. The board is the table. That's the real power behind the throne. It transfers its name. Yes. By the transitive property. To the people who are there. And then they get the authority that kind of wood carries.

Yes. You know, like the authority of a tree, the sort of the gravitas, the dignity, the stability, the strength, yeah. In Australia, people seem to be always afraid that a tree is going to fall in their house. I haven't seen that in any other country. They trust trees in other countries. I've traveled the world a little bit recently, and this is what I've come back with. It's the uniquely Australian character.

We're laricans. Yeah. We've got the deadliest spiders on Earth. where the only country that is also an island that people think is a continent the people living... Have we talked about this on the podcast?

Okay, I think that... I think that... So we have changing topics so fast. We're going to go back to this stuff. We're going to get back to that board stage. Oh, we are going to tie up every loose end. Don't you worry about it? If you see a dangling thread,

that's about to be woven... Trust me, that's going to be a beautiful carpet suit. Oh, yes. And a carpet, not a rug. Okay. I'm so glad you clarified and I think the audience is as well yeah okay

so I think because when you're in Australia people say ah the island continent we're the only country that's also a continent I think that it is only Australians that think that Australia is the continent and I think that the continent everywhere else is Oceania

and the reason why that makes sense is because then there's all those other countries that are a part of the continent that are not excluded from the continent because New Zealand would never say ah yes, we are part of the continent of Australia No, they would not

No, it would be embarrassing to them It would degrade them What they would say is that we're part of the continent of Aussie Remember how they were, forget it, all right Aussie Okay, now what was the last trait We're going back, we're starting to go with those threats Oh wow, picking it up

The last trait back in The last trait that Australians are known for? They're afraid that trees are going to fall on their house. Yes, well, because very often that houses are made from dead trees. And so the trees are sort of what attacking them to say you don't make shit out of us, mate. I mean, they'll kill themselves, like a sort of kamikaze. Camacazi, yes, ah, but then in the... ultimate irony.

We cut that tree up and use it to make a house. That's right. Underneath another... Another beautiful oak. Beautiful, well, probably a eucalypt. I think the fact is that eucalypts are a sort of a kamikaze species. Right. Yeah, they do love to drop a branch.

They love to drop a branch. Okay? They love to be burned to death so that their young can thrive. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Okay, I'm going to drop some eggs, and I want you to roast the fuck out of those eggs. Oh, those eggs. And then they'll release their young.

Yeah, well, I'm going to... Oh, maybe that's a waddle. Is that a waddle? Am I thinking a waddle? What am I thinking of? You might be thinking of a bansia. Baxia. That's right.

They got that little mouths. They got the little mouths. It looks like they got like a stick of clams like that, and they're like, but inside instead of a delicious, salty, sludge we got the seat of a tree exactly right I mean the

God only had two or three ideas and he recycled them in different formats yes clam snot the two closest things you could have said

well because the contents of the clam is the snot okay right right but then he was like you know but then it was like well I need something to put in human noses, which, by the way, has anybody talked about long COVID? I think I have long COVID, but only in the sense that my nose is always lined with snot.

This is a disgusting thing to talk about, and I really deeply regret it. I mean, your nose, the clam of the face. No question. Yeah. Well, would you prefer muscle? Is it muscle is a more sort of an oceanic term, right? oceanic we don't say clam down here is that what you're saying I don't know yeah

I don't think it's very I'm bringing these North American roots back to here and it's spoiling the podcast well no I mean like the podcast has always been about comparing cultures I think and you know this really

interesting exploration of like oh what's it like over there yeah yeah and it used to be what's it like over there in Ballarat or or you know on the other side

of the warehouse that we both... On the other side of the warehouse, yeah. How's it been in that bit? All so dark and moldy? Oh, see, we're not so different. And that brought people together. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But now it's really like, you know, we've taken that almost as far as we can go. I didn't bring a pad to write any ideas down. And we've had so many. Well, I mean, we got that loose thread that I'm going to get back to. This genuinely is the case. that we do maybe one or two things on this podcast and we get them wrong every single time.

Absolutely. And what I was realizing on the way here today is that I think on this podcast, we're both the disorganized one. Like in most comedy duos, there's one person is the organized person. And I think the other problem is that I think I'm the organized one.

Yeah. And I'm not. Because you're the like slightly less dumb one? Exactly. You know, and that makes it seem like there's organization there. Yeah, well, they've got a less done one. He must be the organized one. But those two things don't necessarily, like they're not necessarily linked.

You know, correlation does not imply causation. No. We know that. So now there's a, so he's in front of a board and it's a board of people. But just because correlation... Hang on. but just because correlation doesn't imply causation doesn't mean necessarily

that every time there's he's going to get this I'm the slightly less dumb one if I can't do this nobody can like this is not going to get done no okay No, no, no. But the thing is, Alistair is the most disorganized person I've ever met,

but only because I've never met me, right? And so by being so disorganized and thinking I am organized, Alistair has been forced to become a more organized person. That's why you bought all the hats. When I had ordered the hats, my wife was like, I did not think you would be able to do this. She was like, when she got, when she saw that sample that they sent me, she was like, I can't believe you did that.

She, like, you know, I am impressing people at the moment. Yeah. That's the beauty of setting the bar so low. Yeah. Oh, mate. Set in the bore. Boar. But when you did that, you know what I thought?

What? I could have done that. And I couldn't. That's the thing. And that's why that's our special source. Yeah. What's our special sauce?

You know how like, I guess, you know, too strong, one strong thing can prop up a not strong thing. Like a bent piece of paper? Holding up a book? I don't think so. Like a cooked noodle holding up an uncooked noodle? No, those are both examples of not strong things, holding up a strong thing.

Yeah, I thought that's what you said. I have no idea. I have no idea what I said. But the point is, I think that we're both two not strong things. Sort of like, like... Are we coming up with five truths today? Andy's talking like we're about... Today we're wrapping up the podcast,

so we don't have to do the 500th episode next week. I feel like that we have to have some kind of accountability. You know? Like, I feel like we owe these people an explanation. Okay. Now that you're here, all right, I'll be honest. It has been terrible. whole time. Listen, when you

start listening to a podcast that nobody else listens to you're like, oh, you know what, I'm going to stick with this because then one day when it's big, I'll be able to say I used to listen to that years ago and these people have been doing that for a decade some of them, right?

And it hasn't got big and it hasn't got good and it hasn't... It's bigger than it seems in this room. It's bigger... It also hasn't even become something that you can confidently share with anybody else in your life. Okay? Because it's like the Fermi paradox, right?

Yeah, you're right. We do. We need to apologize to everybody. It's like why haven't aliens made it to Earth, okay? Well, it's because there are so many barriers that they would have to get through. Oh, no, it's not Fermi paradox. It's the filter. It's the great filter.

Yeah, yeah. That they've got to overcome all these different things. Great filter coffee. Is that anything? Okay. Here we go. Okay. You talking to both mics for a little bit.

while I go find a piece of paper and a pen. Oh, okay. We're getting serious about this, everybody. Yeah. What I'm saying is, what we're saying is that, well, let's talk about great filter coffee. I think that we already know that there's the civet, okay, and we have that coffee that has gone through nature's filter that has been plucked from the trees by a sivet who, for some reason we trust more than people. to choose which coffee beans are ready to be eaten and then have gone through the civet's digestive system

and then been shat out and then we've got the coffee beans out of the shit and then we sell that which I don't know if anybody's doing the provenance on that I don't know if anybody is actually just checking you know if there's any kind of like arse to cup kind of accountability paperwork trail what is happening

but like I think the great filter coffee would be not just coffee that has passed through the digestive system of a weasel-like creature but coffee that has come from a different bean the beans have come from a different planet of course right these are coffee beans that have not just been able to crawl out of the ocean but that have been able to build a spaceship

that's right living beans Living... Beans from another world, if you will. They're not beans that have been shit out by a creature. They're beans that can shit out other creatures. Oh, my goodness.

You know? They can eat, they can live, they're living creatures and they can do their own shitting. I mean, they've already got that crack down the middle, don't they? That's right. They're all ass.

They're all ass. They're all ass. Wouldn't you just love to see that... That... that bean ass just part like that just open and there's a little black hole in the middle there what's that coming towards you? Imagine how dark that would be.

Oh, imagine. And that's where the coffee comes out? Is shit supposed to be darker than you are? You know what? That's not necessarily true. I'm just seeing it from my own point of view. When you say thank God to that, is it because you shit out white shit?

Yeah. Okay. And it's brighter than you. One of the lightest people I've ever seen. Okay. All right. It's embarrassing that the great filter coffee is the first thing I've written down. But, okay, we're going back to the boardroom.

Yeah. Oh. Tie up these loose ends. Okay. Now, why was he there? Okay, that's right. So he's about to give a talk. And then...

The fact that you remember this is so sexy. On the organized one, Andy. you're not only you're not only not the least dumb one you're nothing sorry okay I'm so sorry

I found like an old piece of paper that I can run on the backup thank you so much for explaining what's happening there yeah well you know I don't want the people in the room to be the only people to see the nightmare that is this piece of paper

okay so the guy he's very nervous about giving this presentation yes of course And so his colleague tells him about this trick that you can voice your fears. Yes. And that will make you feel better before you get up in front of the talking so that you won't feel the fears of it anymore, essentially, like that.

And so I guess that he starts with, well, I'm worried they're not going to like the presentation. Yeah. You know? You know, and then be like... Is he voicing these to the people in the room? To the colleague, I mean, it could be to the... Could be to the board.

To the board? It could be just to the table board. You know what? You're right. No, no. We can't. That's what veered us off. They're talking about the kamikaze trees.

No, but imagine if a war. Hey, that kamikaze trees attacking the house. Attacking the house because it was made a date. I think that's a sketch idea. Oh, absolutely. You know. Yeah. But so then, okay, look, he's just telling it straight to the board and he says,

I'm very nervous. I wanted to tell you guys, you know, Somebody told me a trick back there that it's important to voice what you're nervous about. What would be great? Would be great. They're flying a plane. They're flying a plane.

They're flying a plantation of them. Yeah. And then what you do is you drive a little tiny home on the back of a truck down a sort of fire trail in the middle and they all throw themselves at it. Yeah, they sort of fell themselves. Oh, it's a beautiful lumberjackless society. Oh.

It's not our first heckle. I could give them back their shirt. That's right. And he is wearing a checkered, I mean, absolutely classic lumberjack outfit. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, all right.

Thank you from the front row. Thank you very much. And you know what? I don't want you to think, I don't want you to think the fact that we were able to do less than nothing with that offer. reflects badly on you at all.

It's our job to be able to take a really good suggestion like that and turn it into something and we didn't. And it turns out that that's another thing that we can't do. But look, I mean, that lump, that...

This is going to be the last episode anyone's ever going to listen to. Anyway, did you hear the unraveling episode? where they convinced themselves to no longer do the podcast and the audience to no longer listen.

Exactly right. Let's shout that at each other again at the same time. Which one? Just that? Yeah. Jackless Society. Lumber Jackless.

I mean it would be a great I mean it would be a great way to I suppose get Lumberjack's shirts you know. Get them into sort of back into society. so that people can wear them

and it's not all being hogged by the Bushmen? Well, yeah, I mean, even if they, I suppose if we were able to breed a kamikaze tree, we could put all of the lumberjacks out of work and then get their shirts off their backs. Yeah. You don't think they'll need shirts in the

unemployed line or whatever? No shirt, no service Australia? Is that what you're thinking? No shirt, no services Australia. I just want to make sure everybody heard it. That's the policy. That's the policy. Is that even called Services Australia? It'd be great if it was.

People believed it. Yes. It sounded right enough. Oh, I know, but I'm also comedy comes from truth. That's right. And if that wasn't, if that didn't actually come from truth, it's not comedy. And I want to give those people back their laughs. I don't think that's true.

I think that a lot of the time comedy is just saying something that is incorrect. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. That's true. And funny. That's why everybody laughed. Thank you. No, I think you're absolutely right,

but Alastair, doesn't them saying things that aren't true, doesn't, isn't that itself built upon a bedrock of truth? Like, you can't say things that aren't true if truth has no value. My phone is on. Yeah, that's good. And making noise. Well, the truth is within them. They already know the truth.

That's why they know you're saying something wrong. Sure. So do you think that through negative, space. You're essentially pointing to the truth by pointing to the non-truth. It's beautifully put. Oh, all right. Well, I guess comedy is truth. Yeah, it's just the negative space around the truth. I don't think so. That's bullshit. What about my animal asses bit earlier than I did?

We all secretly agree. Okay. Everybody. No, no. But I mentioned it to one friend before the show and she immediately said, no, no, no. The human ass is not the nicest one. The tape here has the nicest ass. The bodonga donkey. And the huge hog. Right?

Remember, it was a huge hog. It has a huge hog. And then what did you say? I said the bodonka donkey, which I already said just then. Okay, yeah, sorry. I wasn't listening. I was too busy thinking about what you said.

Okay. It got nothing, Alistair. But don't get nothing. Lisa dib laugh. That's why, because we mentioned hogs. And then you said, but don'tca donkey. Oh, because we already talked about the big dick.

It's the flow of information. It's the flow of information. It would make, no, no, it would make, because you're confusing big butts with big dicks. So if we had said the tapir has the hugest ass, and then you went, ah, the bodonka donkey. Maybe that doesn't make sense either, because it's not a donkey. You know? We'll make this work, Andy. I think it's too good of a rhythm of a sentence.

I mean, it's just fun to say, you know. You're right. And the part of it was working. Oh, but they do have a big dick. I see what you're saying. Yeah, like a donkey. Yeah, yeah. But then they're, okay.

But they also got a big ass. So they're a donkey with a... Yeah. And a donkey is called an ass. Yeah. God, there's so many layers to this joke that no one laughs at. All right, something to think about...

All right, so okay, so the guy gets in front of... I've lost belief in this first sketch that I'm trying to keep... No, but it's now the backbone of the entire episode. Exactly, yeah, it's important. We have to keep going back to it. Okay. You know, like... Like...

Like... Something you go back to. Yes. All the time. Yeah. To the toilet. Yes. The toilet in many ways is the backbone of life.

Because you just keep going back there every time. Each time it's another vertebrae. Yes. You know? It's like... And you poop into it, essentially putting the marrow into that vertebrae. Like a transplant,

like some sort of bone marrow transplant. Yeah. I mean, you know, when you're building a spine I assume that you first you have that outer part and then you fill it up with my the outer part then you fill up with the poo

oh um um um didn't want it to be like this um um two

four okay so then you tell the fears so you tell the fears so he says to the board they're all suits and there's men and women there there's two non-binary people

and I just wanted to be too that would be the number they would hate to be the most of that would be forcing them to be binary that's awful I apologize for that three so then and then he starts to go

somebody you know guys I want to be I want to admit I'm very nervous about doing this presentation for you all. But somebody told me that if I voice my fears, I will stop feeling them. And so I just want to tell you guys that I'm just, I'm worried that you guys will react negatively to this presentation and that you won't like what I've done.

And they say, we appreciate you being vulnerable like that. Nobody does that. We're the board. We get a lot of people presenting to us who don't have the courage to be vulnerable and we've actually never felt closer to somebody presenting to us as the board

and then they say would you like to kiss I mean I thought then he would go on and then go and I'll thank you for supporting me like this because I would actually also like to say that I'm worried that I didn't put enough the board says that back to them they reveal their fears and secrets

Well, no, I'm saying the... You're still the same guy. It's still the same guy, yeah, yeah. I mean, we can add that. Yeah, great. And then he goes, well, I'm also worried I didn't put enough work into this presentation. And that it's maybe, you know,

it's not of a high enough quality to be presenting to the board, but I ran out of time because I, you know, I was a bit distracted. Yeah, okay. You know, and they say, you know what, we also appreciate you. Yeah.

Okay, great, thank you. That's very nice. You go, I'm also worried that I have something on my face you know I don't know and then the idea I guess would be that he keeps saying fears

but then I didn't know but I think maybe look to take it to another place I think if the board the board stands up all of them together and they say with one voice we're worried that we've lost sight of why we're started being a board in the first place.

Yeah, that's good. And we're worried that people only respect us because we draw our power from this big plank of wood. Yeah, and our name. And our name, yes. Yeah, yeah, of board and planks. That's really good. Now, I feel like we can't finish this sketch idea yet

because it's the backbone of the episode. And I wouldn't want this episode to sort of go off the rails. No. I mean, that would be awful. So we'll come back to it. We'll have to come back to it and figure out what the sort of maybe second what's that thing

they use in movies there? B-plot? No, no. You know, they go, oh, well, that's the first one. Act. Act. Yeah, yeah. So... You're writing a film at the moment, aren't you, Alastair? Yeah.

How's it going? I've just learned the word act. So it's going okay. So how do you think it's going? Yeah, it's... How do you fucking think? it's going really good it's going really good

it's going really good I mean you know I think there's there should be a island that you can go to you know

when you've told enough people that you're working on a book or a screenplay or something there should be after you've told a few people and you haven't made

any progress on it there should be an island like they have for sex criminals where you can just go and live there right with a whole lot of other people

who've told people they're working on screenplays or novels but haven't made any progress so that they can be kept away from anybody who might ask them how it's going or something like that, right? And then they can just walk around feeling safe, talking

to other people who haven't finished their screenplays and they can all keep telling each other that they're working on a screenplay and supporting each other. But that's the opposite of what you want. With the sex criminal island. Wait, are we sending them to the sex criminal island? No, it's a different island.

Sorry. When I said like a sex criminal island, that wasn't an example of an island we could send them to. That was just an analogy. Okay. In the sense of, if you're wishing to envisage the idea of an island, start by thinking, imagining a sex criminal island. And now imagine it without the sex criminals on there. Okay, clear that off. A bunch of writers on there.

A clean slate, then send a bunch of writers. Some of the writers will be sex criminals. Does it become a sex criminal island there? Or does it need a majority? for it to become a sex criminal island or do you just need one sex criminal it's a really interesting question it's like does one sex

criminal apple yeah make all the other batch of apples sex criminals I think so yeah it depends if they all protect him I guess and stuff anyway

it does it does depend if the other apples protect that yeah which of of the apples which one do you think is most likely to be a sex criminal Fuji I feel like you squatched your face because you're like

that's an Asian sounding name and you thought I was being racist yes what about the Jonathan all right the Jonathan I mean yeah I think probably the golden delicious right like thank you okay some real

murmurs of a cent there from the audience because like think about it right gold and delicious that's obviously an apple that is grooming you right from the very beginning okay putting out there it's like oh I've got all this stuff to offer you deliciousness

gold you see and then when it gets you back to its punnet or where it lives with all these little strawberries. Cart, apple cart.

Oh yeah, back to its cart. It fills your mouth with disgusting tasting stuff. I'm so sorry. Andy, I've already written down Golden Delicious as the sex criminal apple. It's already in there. Thank God. Okay, so on this island, I think

that the writers should be allowed to. Violence is legal if you're not currently writing. No, but that's not the problem. point of the island to me. The island is not about them getting their novel finished. It's just about them being able to hide away from people who might ask them how their novels going and

hold them accountable. But then you said they've told lots of people that they're doing it. Yeah, but then one of the main things you said is that once they're there, they'll be able to interact with each other and ask each other how their novel is going. Yeah, but that's fine because you secretly you both know, right? Like on a sex

criminal island. If you're talking to another person, they both know that they're sex criminals in the back of their eyes. They'll be talking about something else, maybe. Yeah. But maybe they'll be talking about. It's hard to imagine. Yeah.

Oh, did you see the game? Yeah. Oh, how good a golden delicious apples. But on the novelist island and screenwriter island, they can talk, they can say, oh, I'm working on a screenplay. And the other person can say, oh, I'm working on a screenplay. And they both know not to ask any follow-up questions. Oh, okay, right.

So they can just ask a little bit. I think that was the lack of clarity in that part there, which I'm so glad that we got to the bottom. I think the audience understood exactly what I was talking about. I know. Didn't they? That sucks. I know. What a dog act.

That really sucks. They felt pressured into doing it. They're like, oh, I guess we can't, on the one live episode they're ever going to do. I can't let Andy go, ah, out we? And then they all go. And you've got crickets on your side. Yeah, it's really, really manipulative. Can we talk about this picture here

and this drawing of me and Alastair and how in this drawing, Alistair still manages somehow to be the more attractive one. It's a great drawing. My mustache does look a bit Hitler-y in that. In that image, though. That was what I was finding attractive. I see it now.

I just realize. I mean, Hitler had such a stupid mustache. Do you think he could have done what he did if he'd done that with his lips instead? Sort of, like, as a permanent thing? Sort of stretch his lips out. If that was his choice, you know. Yeah, exactly.

So, yeah, grabbing the two the left and right corners of the lips. I'm explaining this for those people listening to this as an audio. Your ability to do that, by the way, is really quite remarkable. But if that had been what Hitler did instead of having a funny little moustache, firstly, do you think he would have been able to commit his awful crimes? And secondly, do you think there would be so many documentaries about him on SBS? I think, I don't know, because I mean, would he have...

given the speeches like that that led to the leadership I think it's actually quite difficult to speak like that if you want to hold your mic to my lips while I while I straight

this fucking it takes away some of the authority and clarity of what you're saying I don't know some of the people in the audience started standing up what you were doing it

I just assumed they were going to the bathroom. Maybe that's what was happening. Yeah. You think... In Nazi Germany. Oh, that it got interpreted as support, but actually, where he spoke, it was almost sort of like...

Not the brown note, but the yellow note. And when he... The Nazi... Start and scotten, like that. Whatever, like that. And everyone's like, actually, I really got a piss. Like that.

And everybody stood up, and it looked like there was so much support for him that they just let him destroy the constitution and then take over Europe. That would be a really good, if you had discovered the, it is sort of like a zero-day exploit in the human brain.

If you find the brown note or the yellow note, you probably get one chance to really use it before people start building defences and knowing how to deal with this as a threat. So you could find a forum in which having a lot of people stand up all at the one time would make it

look like they all really agreed with you or they really enjoyed your concert or your performance and live podcast. Do another note that makes them clap at the same time. That would be so good. Needing to go to the bathroom and then like oh like something that makes them think

there's like a swarm of mosquitoes right in front of them or something like that. I mean was the Beatles music actually good or had they just discovered a way to write music that makes people clap? I mean, it's the best way of the programming to get into your brain, like that. Yeah, yeah. I mean, even maybe they did their faces in such a way that made you convulse and scream and fall to the ground and be a teenage girl.

Yeah. You know what screaming looked like, but I just had to... Could you write that down as a sketch? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, yes. I forget about this bit. And then after that, as a treat, I've got some good news for the people listening to the podcast. You don't have to wait until I'm finished writing because I think that'll just be a bit of... Well, that's our fifth sketch idea.

Which means... Thank you. Which means it's time to go to the part of the podcast where we talk for a very long time about either the name of the person who's suggested three words or just the phrase, A listener for 10 or 15 minutes.

Do we put a hats on? Oh, this would be a great time to put your hats on. If anybody does have a hat Either here in the room or at home I think this would be a great time to be wearing a hat So for anybody who isn't in the room Who might be listening to the recording We got people to write down some three words from a listener

As they came in and put it on a little piece of paper And I have then put those pieces of paper Into a listener hat And so we will now move to the section of the podcast known as three words from three words from a listener from three listeners from a listener hat. All right.

Oh yeah, do you want... I mean, I guess you could... You hold the head. Wait, wait. Oh, yeah, I'm not allowed to pick the words. I've got to guess them. Yeah. Do I have to guess them before you pull them out?

Okay, yeah. And then... I mean, this is good, isn't it? I mean, really. the hat is on the other head here, isn't it? Because you also now don't know the words, and that little game that you play, when you act so superior

just because you read them. I mean, you know, I was entrusted with them. Now I get to trust me with their words. I get to ask you if you think it's right before you pull it out of the hat. Okay.

Ah, yes. I mean, I like this part where we make this bit even longer and more tedious. Okay. And I think that the first word is bravery. I mean, this sucks, and I'm going to pick out a thing with three words on it. So essentially, your odds are way better, right?

No, but you could just choose one of the other words. Oh, okay, great. I'm getting a phone call. Should I answer it? That was great. Okay. All right. Oh, you didn't tell me if you think it's right.

Oh, yeah. No, I don't think it's right. Do you think it's right? I tried. Okay. You got one of the vowels, correct? No, the first word is lard. I almost said large.

Really? That's all the wrong. That's also Large, okay, large, okay. Second word, I really fucked it up with that, not saying large before, so should I say large now?

No. Perry Winkle. Okay. Someone here has written Perry Winkle, one of those people. Someone's sitting there going, Oh my God. My word.

Okay, let's see. Okay, let's see. Oh, do you think it's right? Yes. No, Andy, it's not right. The second word is ache. Ake. Ake.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Fat pain. A? Fat pine. I've got fat pain. I mean, that's one place where I haven't felt pain yet. You know what?

Oh man, that's a real pain in my fat. It gets a bad rap. But when was the last time you strained your... You're fat. You're fat. Never. It's the only part of your body that can't hurt you. Exactly. I've never felt like my fat is one of the most... the most kind to me bits

and never goes wrong always goes right it never goes wrong and it always goes right all right so I think muscles could learn a little thing or two I got a freaking twinge right now and it's muscle not fat

that's right you never hear I got a fat twinge woke up oh my my gut twinked twinked what the fuck are my it's possible the audience isn't miced up for this

so people listening at the other end I think that we're just taking big gaps between sentences Yeah, really big gaps to let all the laughter The rolling waves Yeah, okay Third word Bottle nose Yeah, like a dolphin

That's a great guess And I think that's, we can ask Will Runting Is that ever been said, Roll Runting? You don't know? That's okay, but thank you for even answer. You're confusing, building with a website that checks things with knowing all those things.

Sure, yeah, yeah. Okay, ooh, you know what? You're lucky because there is more letters in these words, so that you're close in that way. Wow. So you're telling me there's a chance. There's a chance, yeah, yeah. My guess is that it's not right.

Okay. And the third word is embodied. Lard, ache, embodied. Okay. Have we talked about this before on the podcast, but that I think it would be a good idea to have a sketch where, that's how, that's the silent introduction to every sentence. We normally edit that out.

But where somebody lives with their self-doubt. Like their self-doubt become... Maybe it's a service. In the future, you can go somewhere and you can get your self-doubt turned into a person. Yeah. Okay. And, you know, they take a physical form.

So, like, take a bit of fat from your ass and make a person... It'd be really good. Like God, taking a rib. Taking a rib. Yeah. That I mentioned this, like, they could make... They made Adam out of dust. Mm.

And then they made Eve out of a rib. there's no dust left just like it's dust yeah it's a brand new planet also make a brand new planet already dusty it doesn't sound like a very good planet

this supposed garden of Eden it's filthy it's filthy yeah and it's already the crops of all so he's made the dust he made dust Like that? Which day did he do that?

Isn't it dust? It's all like skin flakes and shit like that. Yeah, where did that come from? Where that come from God? It's starting to fall a few, find a few holes. Also, there's that bit. I think I've already said this. Maybe.

I mean, this is where they tell us that dust is skin flakes, but we don't know if those skin flakes come from a man or if man comes from the skin flakes. Maybe God got the DNA from the skin flakes in the dust and said, you know what, this skin should be a man. Let's give it a chance to see what it can do. Yeah, I think that's great. When I lifted up to the big leagues, is what I was going to say.

Yeah, yeah. Was that a baseball thing? I don't know. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Well, look, I mean, all right. So then we're going back to Lard. We're taking some of the, so you go to the, you go to this place.

Okay, to make a body of something up. They can take some fat from your ass. Yeah. Okay. And they, make a man. And they turn it into a being. And maybe it is a small sort of jelly-like little gullas. Like a flubber.

We love a little guy. We love a little guy, yeah. We love a little guy. Yeah, we can make it a little flubbery kind of. He's a little flubber guy. Yeah, you know, looks like. So he's, like, his face is kind of just molded into sort of mouth, eye holes a little bit like that. But does he talk?

Yeah. Yeah, and then whenever you're trying to do something, you know, you might think you can do it. Yeah. And then the little guy, oh, you might not be very good at that. Yeah. Oh, you might have chosen too many bright colors. for your outfit today. What if Alastair is also dressed as a Christmas

hair? That's right, because we're both wearing red and then green. And then we had, before the podcast, we did go, red and green, that's very Christmassy. But that's because for this episode, we wanted to be present. Thank you. And that's what we're like off the podcast.

I mean, you can only imagine what we're like on the podcast. No. And so, okay, so he just kind of says doubts and stuff like that. But then, but then something's going to happen. Oh, you're going to have to try and kill him, right? Okay, because now he says all the stuff. Try and kill this little guy. Why did you think that it would be good to make this?

But backwards? Like you put something into the little creature to make it beautiful? No, but you got the little guy out of your butt. I'm not saying she comes out of Demi Moore's butt in the movie The Substance. Yeah. But. I haven't seen the substance. I think she's a beautiful, confident woman

who comes out of Demi Moore's back. Is that right? Has anyone seen the movie? And there's somebody, a woman comes out of her back? This is, okay, this is more fucked than I ever could have considered. No wonder this movie's a hit. Well, wait till we do our version.

Yeah, okay. With a little blubbery man. Little blubber dude. Okay, so wait, why did you want a guy? No, it extracts yourself out, so it's no longer in you. It's externalized. The audience was with me.

The audience didn't understand what you were talking about. Oh. Thank you, one person. I appreciate it. That was great. So, okay. Okay, so then you have to fight it or kill it? No, no, no, no, no.

I mean. Or is it just released into the world and it gets personhood? Yeah. I think it gets personal right. I mean, it probably lives with you, right? But then, I mean, imagine. They create a little suburb of little blobs, little self-doubt blobs.

They could be it. Maybe they're put on an island. But, and then, but you know what? That wouldn't it be good because they're made out of fat, which means they're going to float on top of the water and they can just come back real easy. Maybe that's the one flaw. But wouldn't this be a beautiful pixel?

They float on the water. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. That's a really good idea. Yeah. Maybe they joined it. together into some kind of fatburg. Oh, you could make a boat out of fat.

Fat boat. That's crazy. You never think about making a boat out of oil, do you? But you could, and if it sank, it would come back up. Not like a regular wood boat. I think if your boat made out of oil sank, I don't think it would come back up. Why?

Because I think if it was come back up, it wouldn't have sunk in the first place. No, but it won't take on water. It'll just fall and make little bubbles of oil and then eventually all reclumped together. Reclump back together. You just got to make yourself lighter than oil. So you've got to like, probably just got to put air under your skin.

Yes. Like, and just inflate your skin. Yeah. And then just get yourself real puffy. Like that. Puffy as fuck. Like that. And then you just lay on this oil

and then you travel to the Mediterranean. Did I ever tell you that this happened to my friend Sam Pointer? He was a... He was a keen tennis player but also a bagpipist. And he... One day, while playing tennis... Somebody put him under his arm and they squeezed him and he went...

Sorry. While playing tennis, he hit himself in the face with a tennis racket and without realizing it, opened a small rupture. And then, next time he was playing bagpipes, the pressure in his mouth was so great that it inflated his head.

Oh, my God. Like old school dizzy Gillespie or whatever like that, and their neck is all like a toad. Yeah, but it stayed inflated, and he had to go to the hospital and get some sort of deballoonification process. Oh, my God. It stayed inflated.

Yeah. So hard to keep a balloon inflated and that a cheek will just do it. We should make balloons out of cheek. Well, I think, you know, don't you think that now that balloons aren't, you know, because of woke, you can't have balloons anymore, Alastair, you know, did you know, balloons are cancelled because they could get into the water and kill a dolphin. But because the tone is just not sarcastic enough. It's so close to just sounding like you were just saying that. But I also understand. Yeah, yeah. I get very comfortable. Imagine what it would be like to have your self-doubt externalized. into a little guy.

What would that be like? A little guy who... Right on top of me into the ocean. I think the little self-doubt guys, if they do go to an island, maybe they form their own society, or maybe it's a Pixar movie about a little self-doubt guy

who gets confidence, right? Who starts to believe in himself. Yeah. But he doesn't start to believe in you? No. Okay, he still thinks... No, he still thinks you're shit. He believes in himself to say more self-doubtful things about you.

Yeah, that's right. He's very arrogant about it. Oh, that's good. I like that. But, but, but, but, what were we talking about? The boat with oil? No, no, before then. You inflate your skin.

Inflate, okay, what about this? Because you can't have balloons anymore. What about this? The nice thing to do for your kid's birthday, dad gets his head inflated. Right? Yeah. so so they just you know it's probably like the piercing people you know exactly they know how to make a hole real quick that's right like that they just probably maybe pinch the

the pink flesh inside your cheek exactly just like biting your cheek it hurts a little bit but like that yeah maybe they put some anesthetic on there get the get the little pump a whole lot of air in there and your head blows up redad's head blows up real big yeah and then like before the party you can go and stand out on the street so people know there's a party there yeah and then the kids have to hit it when there's a part of the park is along with that'd be so good what a great way to deflate dad's head yeah at the end everybody gather around beat the air out of dad's noggin yeah maybe there's a pin a little pin on the end of the stick oh yeah watch dad's eyes maybe maybe dad could wear those little you know those little like tanning

bed like little thing those little plastic things that no light's supposed to get through Goggles? Well, I think, no, but they're like, they look like, they're kind of like, you know, like Morpheus's glasses, the way they kind of just pinch over the nose. I don't know these. You don't know Morpheus's glasses? I know Morpheus's glasses. I don't know these tanning bed glasses that you're talking about. I think they're basically just sunglasses you can't see through, but they only just go over your eyes like that.

They don't have any arms like that. Hey? Pinsnes. Pinsnes. It's actually French. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

Paisnay? Paisnay, yeah. Panseigne. I mean, I'm saying it with my Quebec accent. You said it so beautifully. Thank you. Like you were fresh out of Paris. But do you think that that might be the end of the podcast?

I don't want to get anybody's hopes up. Yeah. No. We got to finish the boardroom sketch. Oh. Of course. And then they kiss. Oh, wouldn't that be great?

Yeah. And then they all kiss. the board table? Each board member kisses a different hole. Oh, that's great.

Like a gang bang but for kissing. It's a kissing gang bang. Yeah. But all is like first base kissing. So it's just, but it's still a kissing hole.

I want you to peck me everywhere. Yeah, that's right. And so, but anything like a dent, like a nook that counts as a hole. So,

so yeah. Yeah, you know what I say? You can Kiss the ear, but you can also kiss... That's what I say. What's that? Any crooks a nook. That's right.

Any crooks a nook? Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Thank you. So, okay, so then they have like a sort of a peck orgy, a kiss orgy. Yes. And then they approve his plan. I mean, I also think, though, just the idea of like a business orgy.

Yeah. Where everybody's shaking hands with everybody. Somebody's shaking hands with two people at the same time. while somebody else stands in a corner and shakes their own hand, watching. Somebody, yeah. This is how good the meeting, how did the meeting go? Oh, it went so well.

I also like the idea of somebody shaking it from the back. Shaking it from the back. Shaking from behind. Alistair, we have to end the podcast. I'll read out the sketching. Okay, we got telling fears to the board, and then they tell them his fears, and then they have a kiss orgy.

We got the chemikaze trees and the lumberjack, less society. Then we have the great filter coffee. We have the golden delicious as the sex animal apple. Sex animal apple? Criminal. Criminal, sex criminal apple. Beatles wrote music that just makes people scream and clap. We have the self-doubt

little guy externalized and we got, this is me putting in something that doesn't deserve to be there. And then we got oil boat. And oh, inflate dad's head. Inflate Dad's Head. I can't believe you wrote down Oil Boat

before inflate dad's head. Flate dad's head for party, for birthday. So should we do the song? Yeah, the song. It's so embarrassing for the people. I've had a really fun time. I had a really, really wonderful time. Thank you so much to all of you for coming.

I would like to promote the live episode, not the live episode. The 500th episode next weekend where we have to come up with 500 sketch ideas. If you want to see us die, tune in to the live stream. On October 19th, Whatever day that is for you guys. No, no, wait, it's the same day internationally. No, it isn't.

I don't think it is. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Our October 19th. Yes. Yeah. But our October 19th is our October 19th, wherever you are in the world. That's right.

And so listen to that. Yeah. Starting at 8 a.m. Australian Eastern Standard Time. That's right. But to me, it's Australian Eastern terrific time. Terrific time. Yeah. It's going to be an Eastern standard time.

stand a terrific taunt. Right? Fuck off. All right. So I guess thank you very much and we love you. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm Jen Moreau's proud dog mum to Clutch and host of the new podcast Fur Ball Confidential, where I talk to animal lovers like Iron Chef Souser Lee about the things you can really only share with other animal lovers. I'm so glad to share this with you talking. If I talk to my friends, they think I'm not talking about Nilo. There's a new episode every Saturday,

and Clutch says, follow us wherever you get your podcast. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. acast.com