Two In The Think Tank - 50 - "Hang In There Like" - WITH ANGUS GORDON

Episode Date: October 10, 2016

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Embarrassing. Bum bum bi bum bum bum bi bu bum bum bi bu bum bum bi bu bum bum bum bum bum bum bum ba ba da ba da ba da ba da ba ba da ba bum. Hi and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair. And we have a guest here today.

Would you call him a special guest? You know what? I'm going to go so far as to add special to the thing. Even super guest. Yep. Because he goes above and beyond what a normal human could achieve. Super guest, friend of the show. Yeah, absolutely.

Which is not a thing that he is, but something I've wanted to say for a long time. Well, everybody else says it on their podcast. I'm not going to hold myself back. I think the bar for being a friend of the show is pretty low. Well, it's like a Facebook friend of the show. Yeah. It's closer to a Facebook friend of the show. Yeah.

Angus Gordon. I wish the podcast happy birthday. Thank you very much. We were just let... Sometimes I do a little picture of me and the podcast together. Yeah. Three years ago. me and the podcast together Three years ago I miss the podcast

You like some of our status updates But you don't come to any of our events That's where it's at I'm a Facebook friend of the podcast And roughly three years ago Is probably when we had stopped regularly doing the podcast And now we're back in Do you ever feel like by liking people's events

Or statuses on Facebook, you're somehow like contributing to their mental health? Yes. Yeah. It's crazy, isn't it? Like I like things and I'm like, oh, I better like this. He probably needs it.

First sketch. It's first sketch. It's somebody who is in therapy. Yep. And then the therapist is like, okay, well, we're going to have to speak to all your friends and family. Yep. And then they get them in.

They say, you're going to have to start liking more of their posts. What it is, we've identified it. You don't like enough of their things that they put on Facebook. You've got to chuck them a few... Not even pity likes, right? They're mental health likes. I want you to click the like until there's the super smiling like that you can give them.

Either the love like or the tear like. Give an appropriate like. Don't just random like a sad post. I don't think those reaction things contribute much to it. What about the love one? Should there be a different another like? Not a loved one,

but just thinking about you. Like a don't kill yourself like. Yeah. Oh my god, yes. Like a hang in there. Like a kitty. Yeah, there's a little kitty hanging on. And like, that's all it is. I know, but is that...

That's not going to help their mental health thinking that you think that they're going to kill themselves. If I had 50 just hanging their likes on any one of my comedy events, I'd be like, I will. I think it's time to go. 50. I'm doing real good.

People don't want me to jump. Well, that's, you know, a huge part of life is people not wanting you to kill yourself, right? And social interaction. Sometimes I worry that I have been mental health-liking people's things too much. And they'll become suspicious and start to think that people think they're going to kill themselves. And then get depressed about what people think of them so then i i don't like some stuff like i try and keep it at like a do you think that they're like sycophantic

likes like people are doing like little like a trick like they're saying like real fucked stuff to see if you'll still like it it could be like no one could possibly think this is a like worthy status you got to do a control group. You've got to approach it scientifically, right? You've got to post some regular things that you expect people would like and then just some fucked up shit and then see if people like that as well. And then that's your baseline of bullshit likes. I know, but then it gets really more complicated

because then when you post it depends on how many more people will see it. So you've got to post at the same time every week. There are so many variables. A lot of variables. But also the prime time for likes, I don't think overlaps with the prime time for people who need to hang in their likes. That's also true.

It's like 2 a.m. That's where the people need to hang in theirs. But there's not the team to back them up. The traffic just isn't there. It feels like we could just invent a bot that likes people's posts for us. If Facebook is going to toy with our mental health

in other ways by experimenting with this and that, why can't they just come up with an algorithm that's like, this has been posted at 3am. It keeps your friends alive. They just keep putting in your friends' feed.

But they can never tell us. They can never tell us because or else it'll add to the feeling of desperate. Who are these likes coming from, though? It'll be coming from you. From me personally. Yeah, you can just activate. Oh, no, maybe you don't even activate.

It's like autopilot. Yeah. But for... Yeah, yeah, yeah. If your friends' post seems sad enough, it just looks for keywords, and then it just likes it, or gives it a don't kill yourself one.

But yeah, but if it gets out that Facebook is doing this, then people will crumble. Oh, the value of likes will plummet, right? Because as soon as you see that there's manipulation of the currency, it's worthless. Like the Zimbabwe dollar. And you'll need like six million likes to make yourself, like, not kill yourself. Zuckerberg could be the Mugabe of...

He could be the Mugabe. He could be the Mugabe of like value. Yeah, the youthful Mugabe. It could be the Mugabe of like value. Yeah, the youthful Mugabe. Yeah. So I've got number one therapist that recommends friends start liking their Facebook posts. Oh, I think that's good. Yeah. Look, I think it captures what is probably a more...

Oh, there's a lot in there. There's a lot. It's complex. Look, I can put in brackets Facebook bot as well. Great. In case, you know... In case that transcends from being a mere sketch into being an actual thing that helps society.

I was thinking if we want to escalate it. We want to escalate it to the point where we get hackers or programmers. I don't like to escalate any of my sketches. Look, I'm a flatliner. I'm at an entry level the entire time. Do you think, you know level one, right? Oh, I know level one. Just above the ground floor.

Yeah, exactly. Although sometimes the ground floor. It took me so long to work that out, right? I guess I'm from Tasmania, all right? We don't have a lot of multi-story buildings. And certainly growing up, I had very little cause to go in elevators. And so it probably wasn't until I was 18 coming to Melbourne that I started to sort of learn the ways of the elevator.

Yeah. And I expect ground floor to be level one. You see, I think that's how they do it in the States, really. Right. I think that's kind of what I'd always grown up with. Yeah. But then you come here and they go, look, ground...

For some reason, they've got an alphabetical system on the first level. G. G, one, two, three. And then by the next level they've already changed the system it says somebody came in and labeled the bottom level as g and then they lost their job uh someone some oversight a manager came and said what are you doing you know okay if you're going to do it uh alphabetically you can't start with g yeah and

then and then after that that person got fired because then they realized they had to do the one underground b and then that person come back to the lower ground although there's also p there's also parking garage no they never have pg there's two sometimes have p though they do have p yeah which could be anywhere because sometimes parking is above above it could be like there can be three levels of parking above the ground yeah that's true yeah so it gets out of hand very quickly it's a horrible system um i think i think it should be a series of musical notes. It should be... Ascending in pitch. But what about the tone deaf? Yeah.

Oh, no. And how do you... What about... How does it look visually? Well, imagine the dyslexic are struggling as it is, right? Who are we going to victimize? I say the tone deaf. Wait, do the dyslexic have trouble reading one letter?

Or one number? I don't know. I mean... Maybe? Anyway, either way, they should be mocked. Either way, this is offensive and I shouldn't be saying mean maybe anyway either way they should be mocked either way this is offensive and I shouldn't be saying this

yeah okay you know like there's some diseases and things like that that you don't consider the serious ones yes yeah

definitely I'm not saying dyslexia fits within that no it just reminded me it's just a separate conversation no no it was off the back of that

by placing those two sentences together it definitely sounded like you thought that. Yeah. You're confusing correlation with correlation. I am confusing that, and so are the listeners. No, but you never know. There's always that coincidence that can happen where you have a

thought that is completely unrelated seconds after talking about something else. Yeah. In no way that reminds me of a saying called plausible deniability. Where murderers, particularly when they murder someone who might be dyslexic, will come up with a scenario

in which it's possible they didn't do it. They didn't do it or the person deserved it. That is, as far as I'm concerned, the basis of the, like, beyond reasonable doubt, right? Like, somebody, it's,

did you do it or are you good enough at coming up with a, like, a really good scenario? Okay? Because we need people who are good at coming up

with good scenarios. We can't afford to put them all in prison. Do they, if you, if people think you did it but you came up with a great scenario,

you got a job on Neighbours. That's how it works. Screenwriters. I think that's really good. Plead insanity? Or go to prison? Or check out my spec script. Yeah. I think you'll find this really hangs together.

The second act. Do you think this is a sketch? I think this could be a sketch. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So what is it? Is it script sort of like head writers for TV shows

who sort of hang out down at the court sort of watching to see if someone comes up with a really good chain of events. They're sort of out there touting. It's like, you know, you've got lawyers. You've got lawyers who are like the ambulance chasers who, you know, do that, right? If somebody has an injury, then the lawyer will chase

the ambulance, get to them first and get them to sue whoever it was who was involved. I think that's what an ambulance chaser is. I've never had that explained, but I've pieced it together. Are ambulance chasers also allowed to run red lights? Yeah. That's very difficult. But I feel like if you're in the slipstream, right,

there must be like a zone there. How far out? How close do you have to be in the slipstream? It's a vibe. It's a vibe. You learn on the job. Just occasionally, It's a vibe. It's a vibe. Yeah, you really, you learn on the job. Just occasionally yours is peaking. Mine is peaking.

Yeah. Great. Great. I've been peaking for some time. Yeah, that's great. In life. Yeah, look, I think... But then there's also the head riders who chase police cars with, you know, criminals in the back.

Yeah. And get to them at court so i i picture it the way i say in it right now is the head writer is taken like he's taken this other kind of apprentice head writer with him yeah you know like this guy who's kind of mid-level whatever and maybe could it be a producer or an executive could be a producer let's take a producer so he's not exactly in the same field so that way yeah and uh you take him down to the courthouse he's like exactly in the same field so that way yeah and you take him down to the courthouse and he's like

why are we going down to the courthouse how are we going we're looking for looking for new screenwriters yeah looking for talent like Danny go you're gonna have to

explain that plausible deniability you say you say alibi I say our next plot arc yeah if it's

I mean you think there's gotta be something that's kept law and Order going for this long. Oh, my God. It is just headlines. They love a headline. Oh, like ripped straight from the headlines

and they'll turn it into a... Yeah, I know. It's fucked. Some of them are really soon after the event as well. They must be trawling those things. We don't know the details of the case, but imagine if we did. It's awful.

Especially like the SVU ones. Yeah, yeah. And like some of them... So, there was a case that was in the headlines, which was a... Oh, this is going to sound horrible, right? So there was a genuine case that happened, which was a boy and a girl, identical twins. No, wait. No, two boys, identical twins.

But one of them, there was an accident with his circumcision. And quite literally, whenever this happened, the doctors decided they were going to cut everything off and he was going to be raised as a woman. Right. So these identical twins with identical genes, one of them becomes a woman and one of them becomes a man. And then Law and Order SVU were like, that's a fun twist. What if those two were victims of a horrible crime? And then, yeah, and then like, you know, a few months later, that was their plot. I'm going to take your life story and then make you a victim of something special. Really unpleasant.

Do they have to pay for that? I know this is a question. That's why they always have that thing Any resemblance is merely a coincidence It's ripped from the headlines It's not plausible deniability And we're back, baby I'm imagining

You know the pilot of Seinfeld Where the guy gets Sentenced to be Jerry's butler Is that the pilot They come up with in Seinfeld? But instead, he gets sentenced to be the head writer of Neighbours. And it's O.J. Simpson as well. Like, the glove doesn't fit. And then he gets sentenced.

He has to write his own miniseries. Yeah, because it's so good. I love that. That glove thing, that was great. There's a show in that. I didn't see that coming. You shouldn't have been playing football at all. What a page-turner.

But, I mean, Neighbours, they do, like, make an episode a day, right? Like, or like four days a week week or at least it used to be like I don't know they churn that shit out I've been I've been on the set being an extra and the filming is pretty fast like yeah probably faster than even any stuff that we've done but people have had to learn like people know their lines and things yeah right that that would definitely streamline the process yeah so it's much faster than any stuff that we've done um but yeah anyway probably could it's it's smelt of of criminal have you become friends with any of your neighbors uh i say hi to roz at the moment roz yeah would you

like to say hi to Roz right now? Hey Roz Hope you're listening Facebook friend of the podcast No she's not, no Very few people are I've never I've never Facebook

Become Facebook friends With any of my neighbours Have you ever become No Who's on either side of your house right now? One side Yeah Nothing

On the other side. Avoid. It's the end. Well, third floor up. Oh. On the side of the apartment. So there is. Yeah, right.

There's space. Yes. No one's looking. Now they're the birds. And then some international students, I think, but I don't know them. And then an elderly Chinese woman who is very nice, but I only understand every third word she says. And then when she corners you, she won't let you leave either.

So you have these half an hour... You know that she's at least a third nice, right? Two thirds of it could be horrible. She left us during the summer. It was a really hot day last summer. She left outside our apartment and a fan, which was very nice.

But then the fan didn't really work. It wasn't that nice. She is a third nice. Yeah, only one of the blades. I had to get rid of it. Yeah. I mean, that would be a very sort of subtle way to destroy somebody, right? Like to leave them, you know, on a very hot day, a fan that is sort of subtle way to destroy somebody, right? Like, to leave them, you know, on a very hot day,

a fan that is sort of intermittent, you know, and a series of small frustrations. I'm writing the plot of the movie Amelie. Anyway. Leave, like, ice cream out? It was a hot day today. If you were home, you could have had these. Let down some ice cream.

Anyway, it melted into the carpet, under the floor. We got evicted. Didn't get our bond back. Anyway. But she seems lovely. And those paddleicted. Didn't get our bond back. Anyway. But she seems lovely. And those paddle pop sticks, you can make stuff out of those. I love paddle pop sticks as a construction material.

I know, but they're awful. I wish they were big enough to make a whole house out of. I know, but you know what? They're awful as a method for propping open your mouth so that they can look at your tonsils. Like, you know the wooden stick? The tongue depressor? It's more of a magnum size than a paddle pop.

It is. I know, but like, why have a material that has a flavor? Yeah, well, it's wood, isn't it? Yeah, it's wood, but it's got a very, like, it dries your tongue, and it has a very woody flavor what are you suggesting they use plastic

and like throw it away dispose it yeah just chuck it well is a spoon is throwing away

treated wood any better I wonder if it is treated I think it might just be raw you think it's just raw but isn't there a risk of splinter I mean I suppose you're in the right place to there a risk of splinter? I mean, I suppose you're in the right place

to be treated for a splinter. That's why medicines are complicated. You've got to make these calls, these big calls. Yeah. Nurse! What do we do?

Okay, I've got two patients. I can only save one. I know, but you rarely hear We can examine his throat, but he's got a risk of splinter. But you rarely ever hear the doctor being concerned about, like, it's like, oh, I could help this person, but it will slightly damage the environment.

That's never something that comes into it. They use those gloves willy-nilly. They do. The gloves are... They look fun to throw into the bin. Throw them into the bin. Oh, absolutely. Do you think that's why they get into it?

To throw... That squishy slapping sound. Or just throwing stuff away in general. I think reasons why doctors got into the profession is a fun little vignette. I like... I want... This is where I could see this going

he just checks a guy's prostate yeah right and then he goes you can pull your pants up and then pulls off the glove

and he throws it into the bin he goes this is why I got into that this is why I got into this like that and he goes for prostate checks he goes no

that sound when you take off that glove and you throw it into the bin. I mean, it's worth it. That I have to put my finger up your ass. I put my finger up 20 asses a day. But that slap. Just the feeling of shedding a skin.

A hard-earned beer. You know, that satisfaction doesn't come close. Did you have him at the end of the day, he comes home and he takes off his shoes and goes, ah, and then he's got like a glove on his feet as well and he takes that off. Sure. I think that's a thing, Al. Yeah, you think it's a writing down thing? I think it could very much be a write-down-able.

I think, but, you know, I think there could be other things from that discussion. The complications from tongue depressors, like every medical procedure, there are side effects and there are risks, right? And I think to take that down to the level of tongue depressors, yeah, you could cop a nasty splinter. At risk of splinters That's actually why they get you to say ah

So that you can't scream in addition to that You're already, in a way, screaming Do they make you say ah? They do, don't you? Put your tongue depressor on Is that when your tongue also has the smoothest surface area? Because it's extended? It's an elongated tongue?

Is that... It's not true. I'm just... Because I don't think my tongue really crumples, right? How come when your tongue... It can get a lot longer, but when it's small in your mouth, it doesn't feel small. Wait. Say that again.

Do you know what I mean? When your tongue is all... It's wider when it's normally just sitting in your mouth. Yeah. But then you can elongate it. And it gets thinner. And it gets thinner. Yeah, right.

But it feels like it's at its normal length. When it's long. But at both times. It feels the same thickness when you stretch it out. It feels like you're just pushing it forward. It's hard. But I'm always surprised by being able to sort of, like, tighten it and twist it and stuff like that.

Like, being able to do this, like... I can't say what Al's doing because it's obscure. Oh, yeah, that looks good. Looks like a dog's dick. Yeah. It's like a corkscrew. Yeah, like a corkscrew, but that's more like a kangaroo's penesia. Yeah, and some people can do some fun little flipping and flopping with the tongue.

Wait, that looked like you just put it between your teeth. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's upside down. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I can upside down it. All Olympic events involve more than one part of the body, right? Is there any Olympic event that's just just like i've got a really good leg i got a great finger trick yeah yeah you've got it it's really you've got to be an all-rounder

in a way an all-rounder in terms of your whole body functional yeah i mean even like i was thinking shot put but you've sort of got to jump you you know, and wiggle up to it. Core on your legs. Core, leg, twist, everything. Yeah, that's true. You know, but where is the thing for someone who's just got a really good finger? Or like a great neck. A great neck. Shooting. But that's eye as well.

Yeah. All the muscles. I do feel a bit like shooting shouldn't be in the Olympics. Do you feel a little bit like it or a lot like it? Well, I don't feel enough like it to take it up with anyone who has a gun and is very good at using it. But just guns.

But then do you think bow and arrows? That's true. But that is your own strength just stored and then released. The gun is chemical energy converting into kinetic and then released. That's true. The gun is chemical energy converting into kinetic energy

converting into heat and sound energy as the bullet penetrates the target. And gravitational potential energy. Gravitational potential. And? I like it when they do it sideways like a gangster

do you know what the the the performance enhancing drugs shooters can take are is it coffee no it would be like it would be like tranquilizers

oh yeah it would be the opposite of coffee yeah I don't want a shaky hand yeah unless you want it so shaky that it actually, like, the vibration becomes so high that it almost feels like it's stabilizing. Oh, it cancels out or it, like, reaches some kind of, you know. You know when things are moving so fast that they almost look like they're in a solid state?

Yeah. Sort of like electrons. I don't know if that works with guns. Like, I don't think they almost look solid. I know, but imagine if your hands were moving, vibrating at the speed of electrons appearing and disappearing. Yes. Good.

I'm with you. Yep. Angus is with us. And it becomes a cloud. Your gun becomes a cloud. You can approximate the gun as a waveform, and then it can cancel itself out. And the bullet was

in multiple places at once. At once. And it shoots everything. It's a great alibi. Or nothing. That's the next season. I always thought it was kind of a joke but it is a thing that has genuinely happened in soap

operas that someone disappears, gets plastic surgery and then comes back as someone else or like an identical twin gets plastic surgery and then appears. It's amazing. My favourite is when they just replace the actor and they don't reference it at all. Well, in a way I think that's better than I got plastic surgery,

and now I'm a totally different person. Different height, different hair. But then they are replaced by a different actor, right? Yeah. Okay. You're thinking they say, I've got plastic surgery, and they're exactly the same.

No, I'd like it if they had to get plastic surgery. They have to radically change the present actor, and he plays the new character as well. And then he gets fired like a week later and they just bring in a different actor to play the same guy. They got plastic surgery again. Do you think doctors who love doing that flicky thing with the glove ever leave their gloves inside patients on purpose?

Just so then they get to do the operation and do two times Twice. Get to get back in there. Leave some stuff in. It's like delayed gladification. If you leave the glove in there you don't get the initial pleasure of the flicky thing into the basket. But then a second operation.

Here's the thing I never understood. There are people who have like a fetish, apparently. Yeah. For, oh, this is gross. For masturbating into people's food and feeding it to them. Yeah. Right? But what I don't understand about that is that the feeding it to them happens after the masturbation.

Right? So it's after the sexual... Like, couldn't you just tell yourself that you're going to put it into somebody's food and imagine that and then not have to feed them the food? Like, you've got... Do you get extra?

What are you getting? Like, I don't think fetishes have to do with orgasms. Oh, okay. That's interesting. I always assumed they did in a way. Yeah, I think it's got to do like... I think fetishes kind of can often be created through some childhood shame. Right.

That was somehow linked to their sexuality. And then it turns into that. But yeah, look, I don't know. I don turns into that. But yeah, look, I don't know. I don't know exactly. But you're right. In many ways logically that... It doesn't make any sense. They're being very silly.

I think I've got them on a technicality. I think... Ah, you don't enjoy that. You already came. And I don't enjoy this. You already came. And I don't enjoy this. You know what? Danish. I'm starting to think people who say they enjoy their work are lying

because you already orgasmed last night when you were having sex with your wife. All right, I accept that it is possible to enjoy things that don't end in orgasm. I got you. How did I come out of this conversation looking like the weirdo? I'm enjoying this podcast right now. All right.

Well, we're three down. Yeah. Is there such a thing as a not hard-earned thirst? Would you consider someone in the desert with dehydration to have sort of not earned that thirst? That they just got it from being in the heat? Yeah, exactly. It's kind of like they just came to them effortlessly. Effortless thirst.

Well, that's why people have a lot of problems with how you spend your welfare. Right. Do you know what I mean? No VB if you didn't do a hard day's work. Yeah. Yeah. And in a way, a person's thirst in the desert is not hard-earned.

It's like welfare. They just got it. You got the thirst. You just got the thirst. The thirst happened. And you did nothing. I think that we should have some control over the way in which you sate that thirst. You can only have a thirst if you're toiling in a moist environment.

Right. Then you've really got to work, don't you? A moist, cold environment. Say like an Inuit would have to do. That's the hardest of all the earth. He's earned the thirst. Underwater. His job is drinking.

He is a... A person whose job is drinking who lives in a cold, wet place. In a cave. Underground. He samples. He's at the Mount Franklin Springs. Springs.

Cave, where they get all the water out of the Mount Franklin Springs cave, where they get all the water out of the cave. The cave. The cave where the tap is. When he gets up a thirst, boy. I mean, he deserves a cold, hard beer. Is it cold, hard? It's not hard beer. They don't mention hard, do they?

It seems like they do. Yeah. Even if they don't, a hard beer. It's not hard beer. They don't mention hard, do they? It seems like they do. Even if they don't, a hard beer. It's for hard men. But also, if you're really thirsty, why are you drinking beer? I suppose you're super hydrated, right? Yeah, that's why he's having a beer. It's just been water all day. He just needs a diuretic just to get rid of it.

He's over hydrated. Yeah. It was medical. It did medically need. I mean, this is a hard thirst. I mean, you're physically having to deny all the things in your body telling you that you are full.

Of liquid. Of liquid. I mean, you worked hard for this thirst. Is that a sketch? Look, it's close. You know, is it... I mean, the hard-earned thirst,

I feel like the reference is at least 15 years old when those ads were on TV, right? Yeah, I mean, in Australia, most people would get it. Sure. There's always a slightly dirty feeling when you're making a reference to something that is way old. That's why I've put it down as 3.5, harder than thirst. Is there...

Well, okay, well then, can I get it up to a full sketch 3.5 harder than thirst. Is there... Well, okay, well then can I get it up to a full sketch if I make it instead about a man who has just crawled out of the desert and crawls into a pub and says to the bartender that he has a hard-earned thirst and the bartender argues with him on the basis of whether or not his thirst is hard-earned, or whether he just got it by being in the desert. Thirst being an internal drive that's always never seeking its own fulfillment,

but always constantly circling. As soon as you drink, the thirst isn't satiated only temporarily. You're never done being thirsty. Yeah, it's just in remission, isn't it? It's just hiding for a little bit. You can only sort of cow it, right? You can only continue the perpetuation of thirst. Yeah, in a way, the only way to truly sate a thirst is to die from

dehydration, right? And the thirst is... Yeah, absolutely. That's kind of what the ascetics used to do. They used to try and deny all their urges like that. Even the urge to masturbate into somebody's food and then feed it to them. Some urges are too strong for even the ascetics. Even the ascetics.

Can you do a Burke and Wills parody where if only they dug three metres deeper, they would have got to that case of VB. Were they digging down to water to try and get supplies? At the dig tree, it says dig such and such metres east or whatever. And there were supplies, right?

There were supplies there. They just missed supplies. They didn't dig supplies there. They just missed the supplies. They didn't dig deep enough. Wasn't that the story? I didn't hear that part of the story. I thought they got... I thought they... But surely they were...

They missed the time by a certain amount. They did miss the time. And then they got there and then... And then they... They just didn't dig deep enough. So they read the sign on the tree that said, dig like three metres east. They went and they dug,

and they gave up before they found anything. They just thought it wasn't... They were like, this is fucked. It's a stitch-up. This is a stitch-up. This is the original stitch-up. What a prank. What a prankster.

That is very funny, just telling people that you put some fly making them dig their own graves. That is very funny, just telling people that you put some fly. Making them dig their own graves. They're going to bloody love this. They love it. That's such a massive... Now, Goxie's a bluff and that's the sketchy. Brought all the boys together.

Can't do that. So we get in Goxie. That's... Yeah. If I remember Burke, from before he walked all the way to the Gulf of Carpentaria, he loves a good prank. So he's going to...

It's not going to get bigger than this. I think the pranksters on the Burke and Wills thing, and they haven't even left, right? They've said they've gone, but they're sort of hiding behind a bush watching because you've got to watch. Otherwise, what's the point in the prank? He's dead.

He's digging. He's digging. He's probably digging. Oh, fuck. He is sweating. God, he's skinny. He looks so skinny. He's not even sleeping, so he's going to die of sleep deprivation. They were, you know know it was really

It was pride It was pride that killed Birkenwells In many ways That and Starvation Pranks That pranks

I've written down pranks During Birkenwells Is that correct? Yeah absolutely The other one still counts as 3.5, so this is 4. You wouldn't let me get it up to a full sketch. Why are you just feeling, not feeling it, Al? I don't know.

You are very much the gatekeeper of this podcast in that you control the pen. Look, yeah. And it's mightier than the sword that you hold it all the time pointed at Al's face. There's, look, I think I write down a lot of things that are probably not sketches. So occasionally...

It's nice to make it seem like I have some kind of quality control. It's like the likes. It's like the likes on Facebook. You've got to maintain the value of the currency. Otherwise, it's meaningless. Yeah, I don't want to be no Mugabe. Sketch Mugabe. You know, apparently, sketch writers in Zimbabwe

have to write, you know, 10 or 20,000 sketch ideas. To equate to the value of one of our sketches. Yeah, yeah, there. But then also the laughter is probably much lesser there because of all the suffering. It's funny. I have probably got one of... Tragic because I have probably got one of the funnier country names.

Absolutely. I was saying Zimbabwe to my child the other day just because I thought that was a funny word. Zimbabwe. Oh, you're saying it in an accent. No, no, no. I'm just saying all the parts. Zimbabwe. Oh, you're saying it in an accent. No, no, no. I'm just saying all of the parts. Zimbabwe. Zimbabwe.

It's good. You could put that in a song. Zimbabwe, Zimbabwe, Zimbabwe. That's exactly what I was thinking about. Zimbabwe. Zimbabwe. Angus wisely sits that one out Yeah

That's cool Have you ever been in a sing song Or a sing along Around a campfire? Putting you on the spot I don't know You never You don't recall ever singing along

Around a campfire? I do remember Singing along with friends But not Christian tunes Oh Not like In the jungle? Not in the jungle Is that a Christian song? I do remember singing along with friends, but not Christian tunes. Oh, I... Not like in the jungle? Not in the jungle. Is that a Christian tune?

I don't know. You could say... I don't think it is a Christian tune, but anything with a lion can be a Christ metaphor. That's true. Anything. Paddle pop lion. That is the best. He loves children.

Let's just change the words to that. Like jungle to kingdom of heaven. And then lion to Jesus. Okay. In the kingdom of heaven, the mighty kingdom of heaven, Jesus sleeps tonight. Can I also change the tune to something that's not quite the tune? Yeah. Great.

Well, then I think we got it perfect. Zimbabwe. Anyway, I think it definitely is a Christian metaphor for all that talk about the kingdom of heaven. I've sung along to some things that probably are What's it? Kumbaya That's definitely it

Because that's got my lord in it That's the key one They're not talking about a feudal lord either That song is not about the harvest No That's not a plea To your liege What's kumbaya? What language is that? Is it like a language that decrypts things? No, that's not a plea to your liege.

But what's Kumbaya? What language is that? Is it like a language that the Christians kind of took over? I always took it to be like a pidgin English version of come over here. But Kumbaya. You know, it's Kumbaya. Come over here. Yeah, come over here, my lord.

Which seems like a very informal way to talk to the lord, especially someone who's omnipresent and is probably there already. Why do you think it's called pigeon English? I don't know. Probably racism. Towards the common pigeon. I'm just going to go out and live there. I'm just going to say, comparing anyone to low forms of animal life,

it's not great. You know what? I already think that it's offensive to refer to pigeons as low forms of animal life. Well, I'm just... I'm sort of going on about what they were thinking, the people that came up with the English.

I guess you're right. I don't think they were pro... all populations of human and pro pigeon. Do you know what I mean? I think they were anti both. Sure, sure, sure. But you will go on the record

saying that you think that pigeons are pretty good life forms. I think pigeons are equally valid. Great. Thank you so much. As man or woman? As other forms of contemporary life. Contemporary life.

Which is much, there's much fewer than there used to be. There's a lot of extinct life. I'm talking about extant life. Yeah, right, extant. Ah, extant. They don't even spell pigeon correctly in pigeon English, do they? P-I-D-G-I-N. Yeah, pigeon.

Anyway. What is it, P-I-D-G-I-N? And I think it might even have an apostrophe at the end. Do you think that there's any sense in which extinct animals are not as good as ones that are still alive? Like, I mean, there are the ones that went extinct, let's say, from natural causes without the intervention of mankind. Mankind is a natural cause.

Yeah, in a way, up to a point. Yeah. Up to possibly like the Industrial Revolution. And then we've got to say that we're a little... No? Say we're post-natural. Yeah, I think we are. I think we've got to say that we're a little... No? Say we're post-natural. Yeah, I think we are. I think we're ponar.

Ponatch. It's happened, baby. But then... Maybe if I was to try to guess what Andy's trying to say... Or you could listen to the end of the sentence. Great. I'm trying to say. Or you could listen to the end of the sentence.

Great. No, I'm trying to say that there are ones that have survived mankind's influence. Yeah. Right? Some that have even thrived. Right? Your possums. Your pigeons.

Do you think possums have... Your rats of all varieties. Yeah. I think rats, cats, dogs. Yeah. They've done well. Anything that can be factory farmed. Yeah. Cows.

In a way, they're doing very well. In another way, they're doing terribly. The individual, it's not great. No. Dandelions are doing pretty well. But the population. The dandelions. Do you think dandelions used to do as good as they're doing now?

They're not doing as good. Wheat. It's everywhere. Coffee. Coffee's doing pretty good. Yeah. Rice. Athlete's pretty good. Yeah. Rice. Athlete's foot fungus. Yeah. Whatever that is.

Tinia. Thriving. Tinia. Thank you. Worms, you're getting your gut. Yeah. See, and we pride, I respect adaptability and innovation and, you know, the will to succeed

of these pest animals. So you respect things like AIDS? Hmm. Oh, you put me in a very difficult position here, Alistair. Would you say that you respect AIDS, Andy? Oh, God.

This is definitely my lowest ebb on the podcast ever. Wow. On the 50th ebb. 50th ebb episode. 50th ebb. Yeah. Yeah.

Look, no. No, I can't respond to that in any way, Alistair. No, but, I mean, would you say that... I can't say that I do respect it, because that would be awful. I can't say I don't respect it, because I would be undermining my own point, and I will never do that. Never. Oh, so you're just not going to comment.

Yeah. Well, this is... Oh, I'm very uncomfortable. I feel like not commenting is good. I think it's right. There's too much talking on podcasts. If you're backed into a corner, go for silence. It's quite a small room.

We're all backed into a corner right now. Al's got a little bit of... Al's got an exit. I got some space. He's controlling. He's got a way out. Yeah. I mean, that light has a corner.

We all got goddamn corners. Everybody's got a corner. All right, we got one more sketch to come up with. No, all right. I'm getting there. I thought I was onto something there until you put me in that awkward position. Well, then what were you saying? I don't know.

Just that dead animals are worse. That they could categorize them in the museum into failures instead of extinct. This is something I've thought about. What about the species that are extinct but have... into failures instead of extinct. This is something I've thought about. What about the species that are extinct but have evolved so that they do have descendants? Because we evolved from species that no longer exist. That's true. But in a way do still exist.

They live on through us, would you say? That's true. But in a way do still exist. They live on through us, would you say? But in another sense, we are like a... We broke off from them, right? We were like a schism that went our own way and did things differently. And it was them and their choices and their way of life

that were unsuccessful, ultimately. That's true. I guess in many ways we're better. We're like a teenager that knows its mum and dad's are squares. Yeah. Correct. Yeah, squares and also they don't have long enough legs. Trying to farm rocks.

Yeah. Squares. And to farm rocks. Yeah. Squares. And dorks. It's a good insult. And storks. Did people tell you at primary school that dork was a word for a camel's penis? Definitely remember being some kind of penis. I thought that was a dude.

Oh, maybe that was dude. Dude is a camel's penis. Yeah. I'd be interested to find out if there's any truth in that little rumour. That would be the best, to find out if there was any truth. Yeah. Even an inch of truth. Even a single...

I'll take it Almost Nothing that your fellow Students told you When you were in primary school was true I suspect Right? It's all just theories It's all just theories and misinformation Does treating them mean keep them keen? It's all just theories. It's all just theories and misinformation.

Does treating them mean keep them keen? We test it out. We find out today on were the kids in primary school correct about this? Why do I want to keep hitting myself? Should I stop punching myself? Hitting myself. Should I stop punching myself? And does the bullying lead to self-hate? Because I've internalised the perception of others. But also, are the bullies just scared themselves?

Or are they right about me and my evident character flaws? How can that be a thing? Well, I think there's something to that, because you can go somewhere like with the, you know, does treating them mean keep them keen? You could go to a part where somebody tries that out, and then they go, turns it just broke their spirit. Kept them keen to avoid my presence and seek out other opportunities elsewhere.

So, I mean, in that sense, the myth is plausible. I mean, she's still with me, but she seems to be a different... Who she was is now lost. Maybe it works better to keep being mean thing in an environment like a school where you have to constantly interact with the bully. Because you can't escape the bully. Right.

So you always have to try and placate the bully in some way. Yeah, absolutely. But in broader adult life, you can leave. That is a plausible thing, right? That like, you know, in a prison or something like that, it is in your best interest to befriend those who are unpleasant to you. And I guess a school is in some ways like a prison. And then once you are outside...

I'm sorry? It's government owned. Government owned. Some are sorry? It's government owned. Government owned. Some are private though. Why prisons? Has an exercise area and canteen.

And there's a principal slash the principal equivalent in a prison. Yeah. Warden. Warden. Thank you. I've seen Arrested Development. Yeah, I've seen all of it.

And, yeah. What were we saying? Yeah, so once you leave the prison, yeah, that doesn't apply. And in the broader world, no. Treating them mean does not keep them keen. And in the broader world, no. Treating them mean does not keep them keen. Well, you know, who's ever heard of somebody being treated mean and then they've stayed?

That only seems like the most common thing I've ever heard. Oh, all right. It does occur as well. Yeah. But you have the option of leaving. But they may not be keen. Yeah, no, that's what I was suggesting in the beginning. Right, they're just present.

Yeah, they're just still present. Oh, I see. Like on the roll. Present. Yeah. Oh, it takes us back to schools. All right, so is there a sketch? I'll just write down.

It's a bleak sketch. It's bleak. It's bleak. It's a sketch possibly involving a mountain with not many trees and then a moon and then a sad old man sitting on the porch of a beat-down old shed. Less words, more just the sound of the wind. Yeah. Can you just scratch that sketch and just write down the sound of the wind?

Sound of the wind. Sound of the wind. Of wind. Do you think anyone ever tried to workshop the sound of the wind? Do you know in a place Oh, sorry.

No, no, no. I was onto a really good comic idea but let's do yours. When we're talking about the landscape where this old man lives and it's bleak. Yes. The kind of place goats

live. They wouldn't choose to. It's just somewhere they can survive. I think that's the lot of a goat. A lot. Right? I think goats are willing to settle more than many other

animals. The sheep is a goat that said, fuck this, I'm going corporate. That's what the Billy Goat Gruff, he's going for the better hillside. Yes, but he's stuck on the cliff face. There's no bridges in the Billy Goat Gruff universe. Yeah, absolutely. I feel like the goat, though, has decided to hit that cliff. And that's what it wants.

Like, when a goat is out in a paddock somewhere, they're climbing on top of cars. You're right. They wish they were at the cliff face. There's something about the danger of the life of a goat. Yeah, thirst for adventure. Yeah, that it can't be satiated in some flat plain. They are kind of like adrenaline junkie of a kind.

It's the only animal angling for a Red Bull sponsorship. It could be Red Bulls trying to think of sponsoring an animal species. Negotiating with a goat and trying to get him on board. But at the end, he's like eating a can of V? Well, he gets the sponsorship right, but then he's such a mad dog that he just gets publicly photographed eating V because you can't tie him down, right?

And then someone in the picture has the word mad dog and then they sponsor an actual mad dog. There's just a dog frothing at the mouth. Rabid. It's just a rab frothing at the mouth. Rabid. It's just a rabid dog, yeah. And then it goes, yeah. Rainbow gives you froth. We did it.

We did it, guys. We got to six, actually. Oh, six. Great. Fantastic. Okay, I'll take us through it. Is one of them just the sound of the wind? Look, that's, I mean, it's...

I think that's the strongest one. It's an analogy at the end, right? If you could somehow make the sound of the wind a punchline in a sketch, I would... I think maybe Bill Hicks has a line like that. He goes... Anyway, maybe that was inside the club I was working. That was the actual punchline

but he goes that's it there's the Marty Boosh one from the Tundra episode oh and the reason Wayne's my only friend I hate you

yeah but that is not really sound it's boring it's just words words cheating here's the sketches that we came up with

we got a therapist that recommends the person's friends start liking their Facebook posts and then there's also maybe a prescription a prescription

for like a like farm in Zimbabwe that's great Zimbabwe there's also possibility of Facebook creating a bot

that that just makes you like your friend's posts automatically if their posts seem too sad. Number two is plausible deniability, which is a screenwriter's

head hunted outside of courthouses by head writers. Then there's also the idea here which is sentenced to be the head writer of Neighbours. Then number three is that's why I got into this. Doctor says after

he checks a guy's prostate and chucks a glove in the bin. See that got a whole sketch and my great water thing. Then 3.5 is harded thirst is a wet cold environment man who made this seems totally arbitrary whose job is drinking which you know whether or not his is a hard-earned he's got the most hard-earned and then or there's the guy who

comes out of a desert into a pub and then he talks to the pub landlord about whether or not. Yeah. Yeah. In fact, I think in that he should turn down the bar and point to an Inuit, a sopping wet Inuit and say, see that man there, he works at the Franklin factory tasting water. See, that's good. He's got a hard earned thirst. He's parched. You don't just get that. Anyway.

You do just get that. Anyway. You do just get that. That's the reason why he needed to work so hard to get... All right, all right. You... Anyway. Pranksters during the Birkenwells. I love it. Then there's five, which is schoolyard sayings tested for truth.

Right? Which is what we were talking about earlier but then there's also slash the sound of the wind and then we got six which is red bull angling to sponsor an animal possibly the goat

possibly a mad dog they're angling they're gonna bloody get a fish aren't they thank you I'm very happy to end the podcast on that thing I just said proud of myself Mad Dog. They're angling. They're going to bloody get a fish, aren't they? Thank you. I'm very happy to end the podcast on that thing I just said. Proud of myself. And both of you for being here. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much for listening to them. Thank you, Angus, for being. Thank you for having me. I enjoyed my time. Should we say anything about Angus? Oh, wearing a red jumper? Angus? Oh, wearing a red jumper? Well, you know, like, do you have any other pursuits that our many listeners can pursue? Try to think of something timeless. Kayaking. Oh yeah, so he kayaks. Great. Angus would just like to promote kayaking. Great. It's good to be out there on the water Yeah, absolutely The open river Or a closed, any sort of river

Or like a lake Or a water system Yeah An unofficial one if you want Like the sewers Kayak through it Canal Yeah, canal

The Suez Canal The biggest, the world's biggest bathtub Yep How big is that? Big enough to kayak It's huge I mean, it's not that big is that? Big enough to kayak. It's huge. I mean, it's not that big. Is it? What are we

talking about here? Look, it might be a swimming pool. Well, then that's not a bathtub. You know in saltwater, soap doesn't dissolve. Regular soap doesn't dissolve in saltwater, in the ocean. You have to get special bars because of the salt water.

If you can afford to bathe in the ocean, like you can afford to get soap, special soap, but have no other access to clean water. Wait, wait, wait. Do you think there's a circumstance in which you could have money for soap but not money for a house? I can only think...

I can imagine an aid organization having that, but no consumer. Alright, guys. Thank you. I just want to say I'm a very good comedian outside the context of this podcast.

I just want to say I'm a very good comedian outside the context of this podcast. We all want to say that. I don't think I have the right to say that. Thanks for listening.