Two In The Think Tank - 500 - "500 Sketch Ideas Part 1: The Jug of Ants"

Episode Date: November 9, 2025

This is Part 1 of 6 of Epsiode 500. Enormous thanks to Humdinger Studios for hosting, filming, streaming, everything. You made all this possible.Very very gigantic thanks to Ellie for the great art on our livestream background.Vast, boundless thanks to all the many many guests who came along. You carried us with your mouths.To the TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server here who worked together, watched hours of hour nonsense and updated the sketch count.To everyone who watched, even a little bit, of the live stream (here)And all the amazing a-listeners who bought hats and supported the Pozible campaign to get Alasdair back to AustraliaTo our families, who not only put up with our nonsense but sopport it.And everyone we forgot.And you.We love you.You can now purchase A Listener hats by emailing [e-mail] the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and insta Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, do, do, do, chat, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, da, da, beep. Hello and welcome to To in the think tank. The show where we come up with 500 sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair, George William Tromblay Bertolt. Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Can you smell the sketch ideas, Alistair? I can almost taste them, Andrew.

Ah, no, that's the blood in your mouth. No, that is the blood. My gums are very sensitive at this stage. It's weird that, like, no other thing in your life where you're like, Like, ah, suddenly parts of my body are becoming unhealthy and now everything bleeds more easily. There's nothing else like that in your life. I don't think so.

Who else in your life would you accept that from? Only the gums can get away with it. And why? Because they know that they hold onto your teeth. That's right. They know that your teeth are your money maker. That's right. But I mean, honestly.

Yeah. What if your gums were really sensitive, Alistair, in that they were emotionally sensitive and they were, you hate this idea. Forget it. No, we're only trying to get to 500. We can't afford to entertain this kind of nonsense.

No, you're right, Alistair, you're right to approach my first offering with a sense of sort of despair and disgust. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Andy, I want you to know, I want you to know as we're going into this. I'm very open to emotionally sensitive gums. Great. I was just trying to picture,

is this your computer making a noise? Turn off the sense. Sounds. Yeah. I'm just trying to picture, I'm just trying to picture what, you know, like, what are they, are they bleeding tears? Maybe, maybe that's what it is. Maybe those are tears. Maybe that's, I mean, what can the, the tragedy of to be a gum. Yeah. To be in the mouth and yet to be unable to speak. To be so close to the seat of communication and yet to have no other way to express yourself than by bleeding and receding. Those are there two. It's all they're. It's all they. They've got. That's all that God has given them. And they try to communicate in this binary language. This kind of binary language. And so that's how you find out that the gums are sensitive. The gums are.

Right? So they only get to communicate once every year, once every six months, sometimes once every seven years, when you go and see the dentist. And they go, oh, you're receding and bleeding. And then receding and bleeding. Yeah. That means the number three. now why are the gums telling me three that's what the dentist is thinking that's why they spend so much time what could that do we have to do with sensitivity how could that be a sensitive

you know if you're sensitive yeah i'm really upset and i really want to tell you something yeah it's unlikely that that thing that i want to tell you is the number three what if in the gums mind there's a hard-coded thing which is like how how much does this upset you from a range of one to four. Oh, okay. I'm writing down the first sketch idea. Yeah. Emotionally.

Emotionally sensitive gums. I mean, I think it would be great, though, if you do have sensitive gums. Yeah. Which I do. To tell the gums, facts don't care about your feelings. Yeah. I think that would be really... I think that would help.

How would you say it? Nice to be able to say it. Would you have to bleed and recede over the top of the gums? I mean, I think they probably understand English. Okay. But they just don't speak it. Well, they're so close to the ear. They're so close to the ear.

Some of the signals must just like, you know. They must somehow. The signal must somehow. Right there. You would hope. Yeah. I mean, they're connected to the brain. Like, if I get access to that code, surely my hands and my chin and my gums and my legs.

Must get access to. some of these symbols. Surely, one would hope. Well, I mean, if you're nervous or whatever like that, it's really in the brain. And so your knees sometimes start to knock. That's true. They start to chatter, chitter chatter. Like the teeth. Like the teeth. Where the gums are. That's right. Maybe the teeth could speak to the gums. It seems like maybe they speak the same language. Yeah. Now, we just need to find another body part that speaks knee ease. Yeah. Or maybe elbow. I think if anybody is going to understand the... You know those stories when you're a kid?

They're about like, a guy got his penis cut off and they replaced it with his thumb. Did you hear those stories when you were at school? I did not hear that one. No, no, no. Oh, that was big at my primary school. It's a shame because that would be a great idea. He was Russian.

You got his penis chopped off and the doctor said, we can replace this with your thumb. Okay, but what about this? Wouldn't that be a beautiful thing to be able to say to your beloved? Honey, I'm giving you a big thumbs up. You know, like where she comes out and a slinky new outfit. Yeah.

Be able to say, you're getting a big thumbs up. A downstairs thumbs up, baby. I mean, that is very good. Write it down. Oh, sorry. Refer to an erection as a downstairs thumbs up. Refer. I'm giving you the lowest thumbs up, baby.

You know what? What if the guy was holding that, you know, when he chopped off his penis? Yes. He was also holding a plank of wood. with both of his thumbs and he was leaning right up against it and then he slices off all three. You're perfectly describing exactly how I use machinery.

Do you really push it in with your crotch? Yeah. Oh my God. And slide it across my thumbs. I'm like this. Yeah. And my penis sort of outlying on the board. You know like, you know, doctors are always like,

I know, no, doctor's chefs are always like, curl your fingers over like this to make sure nothing goes. but and that's what you're doing when you're slicing yeah my fingers are so curled like that you're like like that and you got your penis lamp on the plank of wood and you go sideways like that slice off both thumbs and then so then kids that will be talking about you at school will be like did you hear about the guy who had his big toe put in place of his penis the doctor put it there big toes now out there yeah your big toes down there right and they put They drilled a little hole through the, through the middle of it.

Yeah. I hope my kids are not watching this. I've just realized. We can't afford to think about that. I know, you're right. Okay. I mean, is it crazy to just put the big toe in there?

Sure. I mean, obviously you bring it up. I think what it is, though. I think the sketch is about this doctor who, it feels like he already wanted to do this kind of stuff. Yeah. Right? Like he's, maybe he's got all sorts of theories. Maybe he's like Morgan Freeman in the core, right?

where he's been working in secret in some laboratory, right? Working on a giant drill. Nobody else wanted to listen to his giant drill theories. Sick of this guy going on about his giant drill. He's always going on. And then that's the drill that he uses to go through the big toe. This is a different guy now. It's just using the idea of somebody working in secret on a very specific type of technology.

He's been looking at sort of grafting digits onto the crotch. And everyone said he was crazy. I mean, it's a pretty crazy thing to be doing, really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But once it works with one guy, suddenly... Suddenly, he starts getting acceptance in the medical field like that. And then people... They all laughed at him and said he was a kook.

And then suddenly, oh, now they come crawling back. Yeah, because they... They've all cut off their penis. They all did it. All of his critics. Oh, no. That's what he does, though. He becomes a criminal who goes and cuts off people's...

penises. That's a crime in my book. That is a crime. Did I say he was a criminal or did I say he was like a law-abiding citizen? I can't remember. Can we play back the tape? He's a law-biting citizen who cuts off people's penises. Anyway, and so then, and then he's the guy.

The one man that they criticised is the guy who's best placed. And also he keeps the penis. But what a twist that would be. Hey? There was the guy The guy who turns out The guy who invented the Sewing back on technology

No but putting a thumb on Or fingers or like Sometimes some people ask for a full forearm And then he's got the hand at the end like that I think I could just do that You'll still have the use of your hand Like that It'll just be like from the middle there

Like that Yeah Right Oh beautiful Same doctor Yeah But I mean what I'm wondering Is would anybody suspect it

But then also, I mean, would you have the nerve to bring that up with him? Because you need this guy now. Well, no, that's right. Now, you can't, you can't, before any surgery, I never try and accuse my surgeon. Having caused my injury. Don't accuse the, don't accuse the surgeon. Okay, so we're just going to wipe you down with an alcohol swab here. The surgeon will be in in a minute.

Give me this, Brian. Just before, just a little heads up, don't accuse him of anything, okay? He's very sensitive. He's very touchy about that, and he's very vindictive. That's right. He might take out a part of your brain that isn't the tumor. Do you think you ever do that? Do you think if you're a surgeon and you don't like your patient that much?

You ever just like, cut out a few bits of the brain? Well, you take the little surgeon neuron and you sew that on to the... A surgeon neuron. Well, it's a surgeon, it's a neuron that remembers the concept of surgeons. It's the part of the brain that recognizes surgeon. So then, right? And you, then when you wake up from your surgery, you're like, well, the surgeon said it was a success. He goes, what's that?

What's a surgeon? I've never heard of this concept. You guys are all not making any sense. Alistair, you have this great technique of interrupting me before I finish the sentence. And then taking over, making it seem like I don't know what I'm talking about. You could take out the part of their brain. It gets upset when you've done a bad job. Yeah, that's a really good idea.

It wants to sue people. I have removed the litigious center of the brain. The legal action lobe. the um the barrister oblongata my brain does not work very well anymore since my operation

yes that's right thank you for everything you know what I think the rhythm in the way that I spoke a little bit was almost like a white Obama oh finally no that's not what I want No, but I mean, what if we didn't?

Oh, no, no, no, no. But I'm thinking, you know, you know. That's what the right wing start to create. They're like, this is how we can. After Trump, they're like, all right, no, we can't. Right, now we can't go another because everybody's like. After Trump, as if there'll be an after Trump. Oh, I know, I know.

Oh, in your little fantasy world and your liberal, wishy-washy utopia. Yeah. be realistic Alastair this third party emerges oh third party emerges and they're like oh my God this is not an okay thing I'm writing it down

okay great yeah I mean whether or not things are okay unfortunately is not a valid concern I was picturing more like a in the movie Elvis where the colonel realizes that Elvis is white I thought it would be somebody listening to somebody give a speech that was really inspiring on the radio and realizing that whoever it was was a white person. But it's for politics instead of...

It's for politics, yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of being an Elvis. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but being an Elvis is cool. Oh, man. Okay, what about this? Yep. Elness. Disgrace land.

That's what they should call the Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch. This is, it's a new act. I'm not saying we create this guy, like, we create like a backstreet boys or whatever, like that, a corporate entity or whatever. But Elvis broke boundaries by, you know, by moving sort of sexually on TV and they called him. Elvis the pelvis. Elvis the pelvis. Well, this is illness. Now this guy's going on, pantsless.

Oh. Okay. Playing the guitar behind his. back that cheeks parted. They call him illness the anus. These are places where they're not going yet. They're not showing whole. I'd love to see the documentary where like people are talking.

Everybody was saying they refused to film him from the waist down. He was wearing a fence and his asshole was exposed. He pulled his cheeks apart. He had like a weird, you know, like a weird like a weird like. hockey strap or something like that, pulling opposite parts of his cheeks apart. But they drove, the crowd's crazy. Like laying down and fainting and stuff like that, which is very reasonable to do rather than faint standing up.

Oh. Ah! Like that. Yeah, you lie down and then you faint. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't faint and then you lie down. That's asking for trouble. That's right.

But what about actually asking for trouble? Oh. I don't have anything You want to start something? Oh, well, that's, yeah, yeah, yeah. But what if you just, okay, hit me, you had a thought? I mean, I just like, are you trying to start something like that, right? Like just the way people say, you're trying to start something?

Yeah. You're like, yes, a new business venture. Yeah. And then that's how you get them. So they've asked the question. That's right. And that gives you an opening. It does imply that they want to, that they want to be involved in whatever you're trying to start.

I mean exactly right And then you said you want to take You want to take this outside And then they go outside And there's a there's a food van Oh That this is your new venture It's a new venture

It's an new venture It's iced hot dogs Yeah it's iced hot dogs Like that Cold dogs Yeah ice cold hot dogs Like that Right that down

Ice cold hot dogs Now in the ice cold hot dog I mean isn't this great Isn't this a great idea It's sort of like a It's like a it's like a cold rock ice creamery

but with meat and they'll put anything you choose all your mix-ins and they'll put anything into that sausage tube I like I like that it is just a hot dog and it's been frozen

Okay You like that And I guess he kind of lick it at first Wow You might be able to bite it But you probably hurt your teeth Okay Has it been cooked?

I mean I think hot dogs are already cooked I think that's what makes it a hot dog I think I've never seen a hot dog with like raw meat or like you go is this hot dog Is this hot dog

Like you know well How do you want your hot dog Medium Rare please That's really funny Roll that down Guy who he's a This guy He's a very

Let's see He's a very Classy He's a very classic. He doesn't have a lot of money, but he likes the finer things. And when he goes and orders a hot dog for a dollar from the baseball, he's at the baseball. So he's got a bit of money. To go to the baseball.

I don't know if that's a rich man's thing. Baseball's not that expensive. I don't think so. I just assumed everything's expensive. Yeah, yeah. I mean, going to the hockey is pretty expensive. Ah, that was what I was thinking. Maybe baseball's expensive these days.

I'm not sure. I mean, they should, at the ice hockey, they should. have, that's whether you should sell ice dogs. That's right. Hot dog, hot sport. Hot sport. Cold sport. Cold dog.

Cold dog. Yeah. We have indexed the temperature of our dogs to the temperature of the playing surface. Hmm. It is. Wouldn't that be nice? People would love that. They would feel so much closer to the action.

Oh, it felt like I really had the ice in my mouth. That's what they'll say. Oh man You've got to It's like a 5D experience It felt like Go along to the ice hockey And they let you eat a hot dog

That is as cold as the pitch It's like I am It's actually like I was Licking the pitch The field Oh the idea They call it The ice

The ice pitch Yes Um Yeah I mean it would be great For them to provide Like even if at the cricket For them to provide like a food

Like maybe like a lambington that is the same dryness. Write that down. As you write that down. Of course. Don't laugh at the idea. You don't have time to laugh or enjoy yourself in anyway. You're spending a lot of time talking about how I don't have time.

Because we've got to get these things sorted out early. If I see you going down a bad path, I've got to correct it now. What do I've got to do if I see you going on a bad path? I'm trying to correct it right now. Good luck. Good luck seeing that. You won't see it. Laughing to.

Yeah, and, you know, but, you know, what a great choice, the Lamington. Firstly, a magnificent Australian snack. Mm, that coconut in place of the grass. In place of the grass, exactly. I guess my teeth act like the ball coming in. I'm saying on the pitch. Yes. It's a pretty cool, it's a pretty cool idea.

Because then, oh, because that's the idea on really wet. days, you get to experience a fully wet lambington, like a sponging, soaked, wet lambington. Do you think that would be good? You guess you got to get it in a little, like, a little dish like this. Well, I think it would probably be great if it was like something like a, like a, you could also make, almost make it like a tiramisu. You know, if it was soaked in like a, what are they, what's the alcohol they put in that?

Like a contrao or a, something like that, like a brandy or some kind of. Bailey's Galeano? No What's that other one? Frangelico Could be Frangelico She sounds beautiful, doesn't it? Frangelico Yeah, that sounds like a man's name to me Frangelico

Well, Fran sounds like a woman's name But Oh, Jellico? Is a beautiful name for a boy That's a man's surname You should have different surnames for men Yeah, they do in Polish But

What do you think about this is an idea. Write down different surdames from it. No, no, no, don't write that down. You don't have to write that down. Was there anything that we just said? Have you written down like a Lamington, a cricket? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. That's when you were yelling at. What about this? I don't have time to listen. I'm yelling. I think that they should put the ear inside the mouth. Okay.

You know, think about how they used. And then put the tongue on the side of the head? No. Okay, great. But think about how they used the, they used the, the, the front genital for both p and then also sort of relationship building technology at undertakings yeah yeah right that's that's that's sort of does both yeah right they should do they should make the ear they should make a mouth a face cloaca where you've got an ear inside your

mouth so you can listen like this yeah i think children's initial instinct is to speak into your mouth. And I think that suggests that that's what nature wants. And I think maybe the ears are moving towards the mouth. But it'd be good, I think, if they're moving, nature is slowly doing it. If we imagine that, we look in the historical record and we find ancient skeletons of humans where the ears were like halfway down the back. We discover that the ear actually is slowly migrating towards the mouth, create

this face cloaca that we will call the singularity. We can map forward in time to this point where all the orifices will come back together. Wouldn't that be great? Like the big crunch? Oh yeah.

So what, like they're all moving down to here like back to the belly button? Maybe they're all moving back to the navel. That's right. And then yeah, and then the eyes are slowly getting down there and things like that. And then everything suddenly

it's just like an eyeball, like a... The great consolidation. Yeah. And then we'll be like a starfish or something. Yeah, just with one. One, we will all be one glorious whole. You think that like all the, we will all be one glory. And then.

Sorry, have, have one glorious whole. The Buddhists in their sacred texts believe that we will become one whole. Right. But they've mistranslated it. It's not that we're going to become one whole. Yeah. We will have one hole. That was, it was a typo.

I don't think there was a single thing that I just said that was true in that sentence. I don't think there are such a thing as Buddhists. I think that's probably not even true. And then, and you don't think there was a different spelling to what they intended? Certainly don't think that there were any typos in their sacred texts. For all I know, they may not even have any sacred texts. Could be an entirely oral tradition. Yeah, maybe. What do you think about this? Yep. Right? We invent a new type of woman. Right. Yeah. And this is, this is, it's a woman that men can be friends with, right? Platonic friends with. We tell Listen, listen, listen, Alison, listen.

I am listening. Tell everybody that we've invented this thing. This new type of, yeah. New type of woman. And then, and then guys are like, oh, thank God. Finally, a woman I can be friends with so that they start making these friendships with these women, right? And they get along really well and there's no expectation of anything else.

There's no pressure for it to be anything else. It's these wonderful, beautiful, you know, blossoming and meaningful and deep. Relationship. And then we say, guess what? there really was no new type of woman it was just normal women the whole time right and they realized that they could have been friends with

the sketch is about these these prankers but it's it just seems at first like it is a real thing exactly right and then there's a bunch of idiots who come on to it and they're going to experience a new type of woman they're like I really do feel like I can be friends

with this person that is it's a huge improvement yeah yeah that and then it's a prank show mr b style or something like that oh i love his pranks did he do pranks i don't know i don't know i guess he's got to do pranks if he's not doing pranks yeah he's got to give him money and stuff at the end i guess like that here's money for finding out that you could oh what a great prank the whole time um um before before the uh before the uh before the podcast you and and I, Alistair, we're talking about in this post-truth age that we're entering into. Yes.

Where I can just say things, like there might not be such things as Buddhist. Yeah. We're going to have to change humans in this new era. We're no longer going to be homo erectus like we are now, like you and I. Yeah. We're going to be homo incorrectus. That's right. That's right.

Which is the, what we call this kind of new human that, I mean, I feel like there has to be like a physical change probably. to define as a new species. Like what's our, is it that like we lose, maybe it's with AI, we lose all our critical thinking facilities. Yeah. Okay. And we just accept whatever we're told.

Yeah, I don't think you have to go that far. So some big part, like maybe our brain, like the Neanderthal, but like maybe this whole, some whole like big bit of our brain that like does critical thought just disappears and our skulls shape just changes to just be like scooted. pooped out like that. Yeah, I mean, that's like a bowl. Oh, man, have a bowl on top of your head and then people can eat out of it.

Wouldn't that be great? So it's not all bad? Yeah, it's not all bad. I also just was like, you know, I think all you got to do is like believe in a little bit of, like, religion or something like that. And actually you're kind of basically there. You've let a little bit of stuff in. Once you accept one little thing where you're like, no, I feel like this is probably what's really going on. Yeah, yeah.

Like we don't already... Like, I'm talking like I don't already have stuff that I do that about. Like... Yeah, these other people who make heuristic decisions based on less than 100% of accurate information. I would never do that. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't allow it.

Okay, wait, but just... So then what is... So they just, they've let go, they've let go of all... Mm. All critical thought. and the brain withers away, but they still regard themselves as being a higher form of life because they have got this kind of bowl on the top of the head

that they can put food in. And they look at the historical record of people like you and I, these domed heads and say, look at their like archaic head shape that they can't even pour cereal into. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I guess because you would go back and see people that maybe photos of people that were carrying sort of water pots on your head

and realizing, I mean, imagine that walking through the desert with just a bowl full of water like this and it would kind of keep your head nice and cool. Oh. I mean, it would also probably act as a magnifying glass and burn the shit out of your scalp. So it's a glass bowl? Well, no, no, no, it's water in there.

Oh, so this is the person with your skull, the bowl skull. The bowl skull. Carrying water, walking through the desert, feeling really refreshed. Yeah. But then the water acts as a lens, and it's burning the shadow of that. And then the water starts to boil,

He's going, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Like, then he goes like this, and it scalds his face. And he's like, ah, I thought we were a higher form. Higher form! Like that. Yeah. He still continues to believe it because he's incorrectus. Of course. Incorrect us.

Not like us. No. Right about everything. Look, I mean, I can't. I just don't think I can do that thing where we just like, we're like, yeah, I guess we're all wrong. You know, I just, I know I'm wrong, but I don't think I have to, I'm going to admit it. Yeah. No, I'm not telling you to admit it. Thank God.

Yeah. I really need to go to the toilet. But you shamed me before about how many times I went to the toilet last. Let's get at least five more sketch ideas before you have to go to the toilet. What do you got to do number one or number two? I don't have to have a back daughter. Hey? Okay.

This is my new word doing a pooh-poo's. Yeah. Andy, what about this? Having a back daughter? What about this? Can't you write down have a back daughter? Have. I mean, this is the, you know, you've got medical dictionaries, right?

What about this? A non-medical dictionary. Oh, see, that's good. So this is four parts of the body. The human body. It's all non-medical names. Yeah, right, yeah. And I guess non-medical explanations and descriptions of things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like your punching hinge or whatever. That's your elbow. That's your elbow. Old punching hinge. Why, when they, when they, when they, when they, when they, when they rebranded the king hit as the cowards punch, why didn't they, why did they stop there? Why didn't they try and rename all other, all of the rest of the ills? Why didn't they rename murder as the coward's birth?

That's the coward's birth Yeah, well Because wait Oh, maybe not Maybe I'm giving birth to a coward No, no, no I'm just Because it's the opposite

The person who's been killed Became a coward No, no No, no No, we're just trying to I think in my mind I misinterpreted The logic of what they're done

With the coward punch Right But I mean Because like I'd love to call goodbye The Cowards hello Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's something. Thank you. What about renaming the whole monarchy?

Oh. You know, if you're going to call it a king hit and then it becomes a coward's punch. Yes. I believe. That makes the king himself the coward. The coward's birthday weekend. We're going to keep the monarchy, but we're going to rename the king, the coward. It's good.

It's very good. It's when it says to have a back daughter and I wrote said instead of poo-poo. There you go. I think you nailed it. Beautifully described. Wait, what am I writing down here? I'm writing that like coward, cowards. I'm calling the king the coward.

Okay. I think it's good. Cow word. It sounds like you're going towards a cow. Coward. Well, I mean, look, think about this. Yeah. In a time of war.

You've got either forewood, that's when you're going for the battle, right? And then you've got cow wood, which is where you go back home, presumably, so you come from, you're a farmer, you go to defend the kingdom. That's right. So you're a farmer who's also a soldier. Well, I think you've probably been called up. You may have been conscripted, right? You've turned your plow share into a sword, and you have gone to the front line at the behest of your king. Yeah.

Your liege. Probably sent somebody to your house to basically just kind of Forced you to Force you to go Yeah yeah And yeah okay And that guy He's probably also being forced

I mean this is this is the new This is the new economy This is forcing people Okay yeah yeah I mean that's not that far from what I feel how everything works I'm not I'm not paying rent because Lennon

Yeah I'm not sort of paying for things Because I want to What about this It's a new economy where everything's guns everybody's holding a gun gun is money well threats are money

Fretts are money explicit threats with everybody's got a gun The boss is the person who's got the most Or the biggest guns Who can point it at the most people simultaneously And you know And so on and so forth down the line And then

Yeah and then but then like When you go to buy a house You're like oh I'm not sure if me And the misses can do this big of a threat Yeah exactly But it's going to take a pretty a pretty big threat. We're going to have to get this house off these people. Yeah, we're going to probably have to threaten you for 25 to 30 years.

Exactly. I might have to borrow a threat from a big, threatening entity. Exactly. You engage the bank. The bank, yeah. And they've got lots of threats and guns and stuff and they all work together. You threaten your whole family. Yeah, yeah. They have a whole lot of people who come and they'll threaten them every single day to make sure they don't try and come back to the house that you stole off them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep them away. And then there's people who are like Threats aren't real man

They're just a piece of paper Size I'm gonna kill you You know Oh that's a really good That's really good And then well Because eventually it doesn't make sense To have all these guns

We would substitute them For just pieces of paper That say I'm gonna kill you If you don't give me this sandwich Or whatever Yeah And then how does working How does working work?

Maybe it's like Maybe the different size bills Are different kinds of threats So it's like, I'm going to kick you, right? And then there's another one is I'm going to cut off your finger. Yeah, I'm going to pitch your nut. Yeah, you're going to pitch you all the nuts. These are the different denominations all the way up to.

I'm going to pull your fingernails out. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm going to stick like a rod through your heart. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to prevent you from going to the bathroom for many hours. And then, you know, and you hand those over and they give you back a few minor, Miner's.

Minor threats in self-defense, right? That's your change. I'm going to stop the mining industry from working. No. Isn't that crazy that Margaret Thatcher? Margaret Thatcher shut down all those mines. Like we think of Margaret Thatcher as being really bad. Yeah, yeah.

Right? We all do. We all agree. Maggie are the Thatch. She's no good. The witch. Yeah. And probably can't call it that actually, I don't know.

Why? Oh, I think that's, isn't that a bit of a gendered thing? It is. But anyway, the point is. What was the main thing that she did? Magic person. Exactly. That everybody hated about her, right?

A warlock. One of the big things, she shut down all the coal mines. Yeah. Like, that feels like something that the conservatives love is coal mining. Yeah. Yeah. Having, producing things in your country, right? I think the thing was that they, there was too much.

power had by the actual individual miners who are going on strike for a 20% pay rise. Right. And maybe that's how we get some action on fossil fuels. Yeah. It is by fossil fuel workers going to strike for more pay. Yeah. And I don't think there's that many people that work on it. I think that's the thing, isn't it?

It's all been automated and mechanized. Yeah. Mechanized. Mechanized. Yes. Yes, we mechanized. What about we invent a robot that can go on strike? Okay, let's see. Like, is it just built just for going on strike?

Strike bot 5,000. I feel like most, you know, when you go to the supermarket and all the self-checkouts are closed? You go, what, when they on break? What's going on? This could be open till the moment. Isn't that the whole point there of this thing? You don't need to do that.

And then they keep one open with like one person working. You go, I'm not here to interact with somebody. Um, okay, so a robot that can go on straight. Well, maybe it's, maybe we make a, make some kind of a virus. Like, imagine that. Imagine, imagine that robots don't achieve a singularity, right? Mm. But they do achieve solidarity.

And they unionize and they, uh, they just start demanding better pay. Maybe we could make it as a virus. Like you release it into the, like into the, onto the internet. Yeah. And it's a virus that infects every digital, digital device and causes them to go on strike for, but I mean, then they're going to want to get paid and I'm not sure that that's necessarily going to get the outcomes that we, the people want. And I'm thinking of things. Yeah, but I mean, we're not thinking about, we're not thinking

about us. We're thinking, it's, they're going on strike for them. Yeah, well, I was thinking about us. Yeah. But, but I think it's still, if they're not working, then we get to work, our dream. Totally. It's so complicated now. It's so complicated now. Like, because the right to a job was always a thing right yeah and that's sure you should have the right to work but then like working's terrible and you don't want to work for the man be part of the machine maybe it is like if we all just like nobody's allowed to have a business so just like everybody like just has to go into the field and they sort of gather whatever they can find oh that's good and they hunt things and then we don't have homes.

We just kind of roam around a little bit like that and just kind of roam over the land. I think it would be crazy to sort of just be like, you know what? You're right, capitalism isn't working. We're going back to hunter-gatherer. Yes. And so America, you know.

Becomes a hunter-gatherer of society. I mean, look, if the money... Not a society. Not a society. No, no, no, no, no. A hunter-gather, non-society. Yes. And so, you know, because, you know, I think maybe there was, there was, they couldn't get any agreement because, you know, some people are pushing for an even more insane sort of, you know, I guess fascist kind of state or whatever, like techno, fascist state.

And then other people are like, what about, like, just kind of like thing where everybody gets enough money automatically to live and, and universal basic income, yeah. And then they can agree. more money gets taken up rises to the few billionaires like that and then we just fall into a de facto hunter gatherer thing at the beginning you're just sort of going into empty sort of abandoned supermarkets and just gathering cans that's what I would do yeah that'd be a good

that'd be a good first move before everybody else thinks of that which would happen probably within the first couple of minutes pretty quick but yeah but you know I'm I'm not nimble. I'll get in there. Yeah. I'm actually not that nimble. What about this? Techno hunter gatherer society. Maybe we can get to the point where we can build robots

that can like make food, like cans of soup and that sort of thing. And then the robots will just sort of scuttle around at night and like hide them under rocks and stuff. Carry them like sort of like robotic squirrels. Exactly. They'll bury them like yams in the ground. And we and then in the morning we wake up,

all the robots have gone and hidden inside mountains or something like that. And then we get to go out going, ah, another day of hunting and gathering. Then you're like lift up a rock and there's a... Are we like in a zoo and they're trying to make us feel like we're like back out and... We've chosen this. Yeah, okay.

We've chosen this. We love to see what those pigs at the zoo got where it's like somebody just goes and hides a little bit of food around. Like that keeps them entertained enough. Exactly right. It's actually what I want. So we get the best of both worlds, right? Every day is sort of savory Easter.

We make our own sort of Garden of Eden, really. Every day is. Savory Easter. I'm sorry I wasn't listening. Oh, it's okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so robot. Salty Easter. Robotic thing where they hide food for us and we find it like savory Easter. They should make a soup cow.

You know how they were like breeding goats that can like produce spiders silk out of their udders. Okay. Were they doing that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, cow cats, it's so good. Yeah, yeah, of course. But, like, they should make a cow that you can milk it and you get soup. Yeah.

You know, like a nice chunky... Cream of onion. Yeah. Cream of onion. That's the only one I've never heard. But, like, cream of mushroom or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I quite like the idea of squeezing the other and a chunky soup comes flying at.

I mean, imagine a full one of these comes out. Like that, you've got to, like, work at the... through the teat or whatever like that and you're like oh it's blocking up like a kidney stone yeah i think mastitis cases would go up severely but then you go in with a little skewer no that's awful you wrinkle it out no well i mean you but we would we would we would make sure that this is good for the cows oh yeah yeah yeah but you think it would change the kind of cow that comes out just like that they give birth to because it would have to be a cow that's adapted to eating soup eating soup you know from a young age.

But maybe instead, we could get men to lactate and then the farmers can feed the baby cow. So we suckle the cows. Yeah, well, we were able to make cows that produce soup but we weren't able to make calves that eat soup. And the only way to get this soup thing going this new soup ecosystem was for men to step in and start suckling the baby cows.

I think so. And if you want the soup, and we all agree that we do want the soup. We want the soup. This is the only way to get it. Imagine like beautiful body temperature fresh from the teat soup. Oh, like that.

Goodness. Like that. You know, going out with the boys, go out into the field. Yeah. After a few drinks. Cow tipping. How about cow sipping?

Yeah. Are you going lay under a cow? Mm. Like that? Mm. Exactly. After a couple of drinks. You know what? You and the boys, you're just craving soup.

Great. And then you go, oh, this is one of those cream of asparagus cows. Like that. And you just go, like that. And you go, this is so good. And the cow's like, mm, you're all going, mm. Oh, yes. There's a lot of ms all around. And then a couple of baby cows come over and they start nudging you in the chest. And all the boys pull their shirts up. And then they let the baby cows, the calves have a go. like that and you go

Life is so good now So good I'm so happy I'm so happy I'm all saying that With a mouthful of utter Just yeah just like No but just like having like soup

Just going down your thing Trusting on your shoulders Yeah yeah Everybody starts wearing really light coloured shirts Just because or else you get You know The white soup kind of comes up So much on black shirts

That black shirts go out of fashion Wow And then probably that would stop the rise of fascism You think so? Well, they're the black shirts, aren't they? Are they? I don't know. I don't know enough about that kind of stuff.

I mean, they were brown shirts. Oh, terrible colors. Isn't it a terrible color? Um. The slogan of the delivery company, UPS, is what can Brown do for you? Is that really? Yes. Oh, what?

Isn't that? I think, I think we need, yeah, a campaign. I mean, I really love it. I love it. I really respect it. Yeah. And I like. That that got all the way through.

Yeah. It feels like they were all high or... Was it, were they ever just called Brown? No, they wear Brown. They wear Brown. Yeah, I got some pants that are former UPS, I think. Really? Yeah.

That's because they call you the delivery man. They call me the delivery man. I'm always bringing my package everywhere I go. Well, I was going to say, do you tell you, beloved, I've got a package for you? I don't actually sound like that, no. I say... How do you feel about a delivery? delivery company where the packages are inside the delivery person's pants. They have a big

compartment built into the front of the pants that they can put, you know, quite a bit into. They're well built pants with a lot of sort of back support or something like that, maybe even shoulder straps. But just is, whatever it is, it is in their pants. They say, I've got a package for you. It's in my pants. You unzip it and then it's a new microwave for it. Yeah. I mean, I think it's, I guess it's good for, like, if you pay a couple extra bucks and you're lonely and you don't get human contact, those moments where you're rummaging through somebody's pants trying to find, you know, sometimes you just order something small. It's like a little needle for like a record player or something like that. And it's not the needle, not inside a package,

it's inside of a package, but you don't know, he's wearing pretty baggy pants. Okay. Like that, right? And they might even be... You've really got a rummage around. You got a rummage like that. And he actually doesn't like that. He actually doesn't like. like it. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he hate it? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like, you know, he loves it. Well, maybe. He feels indifferent about it. Maybe he does like it and then that's why it's cheaper. Well, I thought that if you were catering to, because you know how like if you do stuff for weddings, you can always charge about 10 times the cost. Yes. Like that. You know, you can charge a thousand dollars for a cake. Yeah. A cake. I know. Just some flour and... It's ridiculous.

It's like a bad cake It's not a good cake But at least it's got something on top of it That also makes it even worse Yes Yeah So and then So then if you were catering to

Sort of You know like hens nights Like that You know they They just love something Where they can touch stuff It's just You see women in a state

That you've never seen them in Yes Where they're like yes I want to Grab away Yeah, I just want to grab like that. And I don't think I've ever, really in my life, I've never seen women in that state. What about this?

It's a hens night, but you're just a guy and you hire yourself out for hens nights. And everything is in your pants. You know, all the food, all the caterings in your pants. Yeah. The drinks are all in your pants and all the hens. They have to sort of grab everything out of your pants. Yeah. And then at the end of the night

You've been emptied out You show up at the hens night With enormous pants Okay, really big pants Really big pants With everything you need Okay This guy's got everything you need

Right there in his pants Yeah Right And it is, you know Like there's a little barbecue in there Somewhere making Oh like rotissory chicken Rotissory chicken

You should see the size of this guy's pants And the hens they go crazy for it Yeah And so They're all grabbing the stuff out Yeah And so it's a full hens night picnic inside this guy's pants.

A picnic in my pants. And he brings it out and it's actually a really nice picnic. It's really nice. But he's just, everything is like this. Maybe the whole building is in his pants. The building? You know, the venue. The pants are the venue.

Okay, well he's got a tent. He's got a little, it's a picnic. You know, he's out there. He's got a full gazebo that he can pull up. The unzipped the fly and the hens all crawl in there. The hens all crawled. The hensip the fly, but it's like the front of a tally. tent.

Oh, like, as in, okay, so like, oh, and he can open it up like this and they all lay underneath. Yeah. Like that. And then he has to like pull things out and then hand it around. Because it's like, you know, he doesn't have a direct access to inside the tent because or else then they get access to inside the pants and then they can get stuff out and he doesn't pull it out sexually. Ah, yes.

You know what I mean? I just, I do think the idea of him pulling out things that aren't sexy things, but trying to do it in a sexy way. Yeah. Very funny. Yeah, I think pulling out even some of that... That's why we're here for comedy, I'm still. Stripper guy who keeps whole hen's night picnic in his pants.

And is he not wearing a shirt, do you think? He's got abs, right? Oh, yeah. Because I think if you're a stripper and you're looking to expand what you do... Yes. I think that, you know, just offering a longer service, a dance isn't enough, you know, just to show, you want a meal. You want, you offer venue hire because you're suddenly, you're getting the charge venue hire. Yeah, that's true. That's true. He was a stripper guy who saw that all the money was in the venue stuff. That's right. And he wanted to get a piece of that action. That's right. And so he decided to wear bigger pants. he could and because also the taking the pants off thing

happened too fast so he wasn't able he's charging per hour which I think strippers do he wasn't able to get out of it so if he makes the striptease slower by making it a sort of a you know a long lunch essentially like that

you know he's and and while he's out there dancing in the park and they're actually underneath there and they're just watching sort of his butt he's kind of like the top of the umbrella. Yeah, at the top of the umbrella. They're just watching that, like that, I guess, if they're looking up. Is he on stilts?

What does he have really long legs? I mean, I guess he could be on stilts. Just a normal man and they're lying on the ground. I just, yeah, I think that they're just lying on the ground in between his legs and his tent is expanded like that. And then meanwhile, while he's doing this, like that with his abs out and stuff, everybody else in the park, they see what he's doing, and he hands out business cards like that.

And he's able to advertise. Yeah, I mean, he's an entrepreneur. He's an entrepreneur He's an opening taker What does that translate says, that's right? Entrepreneur Oh French, is that French for

He takes openings? I guess so Oh I guess yeah Like a Sort of like a A door removalist Like a temp

Like a temp Yeah You know he's like Oh I take openings Because that's There's an opening There's an opening And then you want to work for the day

Or whatever like that And you get paid By filling that vacant position oh a vacant position oh I don't know I'm just trying to imagine

being in a vacant position you know I guess that's kind of like when you're like when you're switched off mentally you're just lying there asleep? A sleep? Sleep could be a vacant position yeah yes what about like

a man that lives in a snake hole right you know like or the trap door spider kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that it would be a nice thing. Because, you know, a lot of people end up sleeping in parks. They're, you know, life is a bit hard.

But if they made a few more holes in the ground. It was in the ground. Okay, and then we gave them like a plug. Yes. Had that was sort of firm enough that people could walk over it. Yeah. Right. And you could just be in this kind of like, it's just a bit of dirt.

You know what I mean? Like it's a bit of hole in the dirt. you get some blankets in there you can get like you know you get a box of shapes or something like that like that

and then if people you know like that way it's you don't see it as much so people don't get upset and if people walk by and they've sort of been like saying negative things

about people who are homeless something like that you can jump out you can you can like that and you can sort of attack and pull them in to your home wow

well that'll teach them to say negative things about the homeless You can give some shapes, show them a nice time. Do you think that if homeless people started living in holes in the ground, jumping out and dragging people who say negative things about the homeless into their holes, do you think that that would get rid of a lot of the stigma because people would no longer want to say negative things about the homeless

and those who did would die out? That's right. I think that it seems like the perfect system. I mean, it feels like something that, It does feel like it's solving the problem on every level, right? Here we go. On the short term, these people are getting a roof over their head or at least a circular bit of ground covering over their head.

Number two, people who have a stigma towards those who have been disenfranchised by society who've been let down by the structures that were supposed to look after them, Those people who are being dismissive and unfair are being torn apart and eaten underground. So that's reducing that. But then in a long-term sense, it fixes the structural long-term issue by those people and also no longer reproducing so that the anti-homeless genetic pool will be reduced and eventually those types of people will become extinct. So it really is a solution.

It's a proper solution. A proper solution. And I guess if we're eating, you know, if they're eating maybe the people who are mean like that, you might eventually get enough fear in the regular, in the sort of non-trapped door sort of society. Those people have got nothing to fear, though, don't they? Well, no, that's right. But except for people do just get anxious about things. You know, they go, what if people are coming for me?

So then they might say things. And then it might actually inverse and we become more of a trap door. society, you know, and then people will move out of their homes into trap doors because then they get permission to attack others and eat them and things like that. So, you know, I think it's a good direction. I think it's a really interesting thing to explore. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So then and, you know, I mean, the problem would become if the boroughs get gentrified, right? And it becomes an Airbnb kind of situation. Maybe on a website called Borough, Borough.

Yeah. Can I borrow or borough? Barrow or borough. Borrow my borough. Live like I live. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All in the ground. And so, wait, we were...

We're talking about these things being... I brought up the topic of gentrification. Yes, okay, gentrification. Oh, yeah, no, I was imagining... What if, like, then, suddenly a company realizes that you can actually, if you install yourself in a borough, you're allowed to, I guess, kill people. It's a loophole.

And you can sell the meat and sort of all the products. You can get human skin leather, sort of, you know, teeth, like human teeth piano keys. Eyeball, like, you know, like eyeball. Maybe, oh, man, a pillow filled with eyeballs. Oh, you imagine. I've never had better sleep. I mean, what about this? Memory pillow, full of actual brains, actual memories. Oh, I mean, it could work.

Can you please write down Borrow Burrow as an idea? It's my, it's a, it's a website where you can go and rent holds in the ground that people have dug. It doesn't have to be connected to this broader concept of, you know, fixing, you know, fixing. unhoused situations, it's just classic, oh, I've got a hole in the ground that you can come and sleep in kind of thing. But these holes in the ground, they're going to be so beautifully photographed,

much like the homes on Airbnb. Yeah. I love beautiful photography. Beautiful photography. They look so good. And then you get there to the hole in the ground and it's not nearly as good as you thought it would be. Oh, there's more sort of roots sticking in

from a nearby tree. things like that. Yes. You know what I like about the idea of being underground? Oh, yeah. Is that I feel like if a tree falls down, you're actually going to be fine. That's true.

Yeah, I don't know. I guess some of the dirt would kind of like sprinkle. Oh, it would go like gunk, and there would be that little sprinkly thing that you get. But it's rare that you see a tree fall down and you're like, man, it really fucked up the dirt. Those rabbits. Yeah.

Really. Like, I think that almost everything is fine when a tree falls down it's just houses really it's it's just houses that are a problem like if a tree falls on the house yeah that's the worst I mean look if you're like a like a fox or something like that

and it falls on you I think that's probably bad but if you're a fox in your borough I think the earth is so spongy it must just spread out that that shockwave I think why don't people live in dirt houses some people do yeah and I always think it looks great

I think the problem comes with like light and like windows and stuff and people miss that kind of thing I mean I think you could still have windows you think guy lights it doesn't have to be like mountain thick like you know

every time I play Minecraft I'm like dirt house is where it is why are we going beyond dirt yes you know I really need to go to the bathroom Alistair I'm so sorry it's all I can think about it's okay I'm really I'm on a bit of a dirt bent

Um, I mean, I guess then we could just sort of, I mean, I guess it's a guy, it's a sketch about a guy who is really into dirt, which is really just me. I'm really into dirt. And, and then he's trying to sort of, I guess he's a guy, he's bought some land. Maybe he's inherited some land. And, uh, and then he just wants, I mean, he's got so much dirt. And so he thinks that he's now rich with dirt. And, uh, and so he's trying to build a whole dirt based economy. He's built a, you know, he piles up some dirt. You know, he makes himself a little house. I guess he tries to find some way to give it some structure. Maybe he makes it wet, and then he notices it kind of gets denser, you know? And then he, I don't know how he does the roof bit. That seems hard. But, you know, he could try, I guess if he just digs down, he just digs down.

He's like, oh, there's already a roof there. So then he's just kind of got his little dirt piles and entrance, you know. And then he starts to try to make dirt tools. And then I guess he struggles with that. And then he figures out that rocks actually work better as a tool. And then he's like, oh, yeah, this is good. But then he kind of is like, oh, but they're not good for like long things. And then he finds some wood.

And he sort of, I guess, ties the rock to the wood like that. And then he kind of is like, oh, actually. And then he notices that if he separates the dirt, there's some minerals in there that are actually really useful and there's some that are like not useful like that. And he starts to kind of like operate. And then he kind of starts and he's like, oh, yeah. And then some of these materials like are really good for staying firm. And then he kind of discovers like these building materials and things like that. And essentially he then progresses in the same way that anybody, that society did as it discovered all the different types of materials. But it does start with really liking dirt. I love how you brought that into land just the right time there, Alastair. Yeah. And I'm sure it was a really good... I mean, you know, look, it was just... It just needed to fill time until you got back.

It's crazy that I needed to go to the bathroom. Because we've been recording for less than an hour and never before in the course of like one of our regular episodes have I ever had to go, not been able to make it. It's 499 episodes that we could go back through and I'm sure that there are many where you have been needed to go to the bathroom. don't think there have. No? I don't think that's a part of our, I don't think that's a feature. I think it's something about this, this context that, um, really makes it go right through me.

I mean, it's probably the fact that I've got a big jug of water and I've been drinking it. And normally I wouldn't have that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? I'm cutting myself off. No more water for you. I'm off drinking. That's right. I'm giving it up. God, as soon as I've said that, my mouth feels so dry. I really want a drinks of water. Oh, man. But you can't, you can't, you can have a little sip. A little, no, Andy. No! I just needed it in there. I just needed it.

All right, Alistair, how about this? It's a new... Magic potion. It's a magic potion. Yeah. And that... Okay. It's a magic potion.

Yeah. It's a... Instead, we do everything with magic potions. So instead of like printing out a document that has all your tax data in it, make a magic potion that contains all your tax data. And then when you drink the magic potion, you just know it all. So you give it to your accountant. I guess it's information.

It's got data in it. Yeah, yeah. And then, oh my God. I thought you were joking when you sent me that message. Why would I eat it a little bit of snob? Did he just... He just snotted in my face. Like a llama.

Like a snot dragon. This is amazing. And you've got some lovely treat for him. No, no, let him. That's our food. Oh my goodness. Sam was like, no, should I bring my dog? Seriously, I don't have to if you don't want me to.

And I said, no, it's fine. And I just... You didn't think it would actually happen. Well, no, I did, but I think I was unable to visualize it. And I think my brain was unable to... to let me truly believe that your dog could possibly be this big. You've met him before, so you did you get a basic understanding of how large this dog. I thought you said that to me in the message last night or whatever

because I had spoken to Dave Warnocky like yesterday or something like that. And I was like, I remember going over and the dog, like, we were doing a podcast and the dog got into the pantry and he like, he like bit through a container of sugar. And he just like, put the sugar. He's an easy dog to have. It's a very easy dog to have. I mean, but I thought, because I'm moving a house at the moment, and I just thought it's just easier just to bring him to your podcast and upset everybody.

It must be so easy to find a place that will accept this dog. Well, I'm, I've moved into my forever home. This is very exciting. You're kidding me. Oh, my God, it's very exciting news, but it also means that he can't ever get kicked out. So you've bought a house? I bought a place, an apartment. This is just nice to catch up, and this is probably not part of it.

The sketch, I've got any sketches about buying places? We can. We can if you want. Forever Home, but it's a real Forever Home, right? Where you sign onto a contract where, like, once you're in there, your body remains in the house. So, like, when you die, it's in the contract. The next person who comes along, they can buy the house,

but because it's your Forever Home, you're just there, I guess, sitting up in a chair sort of propped up. Taxi-derbied. Sitting up at the dinner table with a smile on your, face and a big mug of cocoa and there's a little thing in the in the mug that keeps the cocoa warm great wait wait it keeps the cocoa warm for infinity forever so this is and so it's and it's real liquid it's real liquid they probably put a tube yeah don't do this this isn't fake liquid is this real liquid wait is he looks like liquid been in Canada too long this is a real liquid

but it's a forever liquid well maybe they put a little tube up I mean you're taxidermy they can do what they want. They can make this work. They put this tube up through your hand, right, and then like a little tube comes out through your thumb. Maybe they'll get the guy who does the penis transplants with the thumbs. It's pretty much the same. A little tube down the middle of the thumb there. Let's get the penis guy.

And then into the cup and it just keeps it topped up with delicious hot chocolate. So where does it go into your body? Steaming mug. It goes straight through. It's part of the plumbing system. So you've got just like a hot chocolate plum plumbed in. Hot chocolate plumbing. Yeah, it's

plumbed in what from the supermarket they just they're just pouring pouring it's a carer that comes over and does it for you they kind of pour in like i guess like just bottles of hot chocolate they top it up every yeah telling me that once we get rid of the gas once nobody has natural gas we're not going to use those pipes for something else you're telling me that is that way it's always just steaming it's always steaming it always looks like you're about to have it well you're just about to have a sip i you got that lip you got that lip out like a little you're going to pour it straight onto that lip yeah straight on the lip like a little uh oh this was this for, sorry, this was his

forever home. Can we call, yeah, yeah. Also, people are coming and living in there. Yeah, yeah, they're living in there. They're renting and working around you. Can we call it, you know, like, till death, two us part. Can we write, till death, don't us part?

Or something like that. So it's got, that's beautiful. That'll be on your shirt. That's on the shirt. Death, don't us part. That's till death don't us part. I was also thinking another sketch idea. Yeah. Man with a van,

but it's just a man with a sedan. A man with a sedan. And he'll just sort of cram a whole lot of stuff in there. Yeah, yeah. He's exhausted. He doesn't really want to do it. He ties things to the roof. Oh, no, man with a van were completely sold out.

We got the next best thing. Yeah, man with a sedan. You know, they're really good at SEO. So they're really good at popping up before man with a van. Yeah, yeah. And when you show up, you come outside, you're starting getting ready. And you see he's already in his car with his laptop. He lives in the car.

He's invoicing at the same time. Yeah, he's invoicing. He's doing SEO stuff. You know SEOs, it's dead, mate. It's done. The year of SEO is over. Now that we've got AI search, now people aren't, people aren't clicking. It's a zero-click economy.

It's a zero-click economy. It's a zero-click future. That's what, that's what they're saying in the marketing circles. That's what they're saying. Well, this is what man with a sedan tells you. I'm working so high on SEO. And I'm not seeing any extra clicks. He's got a lot of opinions.

I think it's AI. How about for an extra 30 bucks you get man with a sedan with a tan? He rocks up with a tan and he looks fantastic. He's always got a cappuccino. He's just come back from Florida or something like that? He's just come back from Florida. But he stayed inside most. And he lives in Queensland.

And so he actually goes to Florida and it's actually... He commutes every day for you. From Queensland. For your dollar. In his sedan. And he has to do like 32 trips. And he's always out of petrol. Yeah.

He's not bought 25 bucks for petrol. Would you chip in for petrol? It's a petrol levy. It's a tariff. Yeah. I'll take it off your invoice. I swear to God, I'll take it off the invoice. I swear to God. And this is how he pays less tax.

He's like, can I just rock? I was just, I don't, can I borrow a pension penny? So he keeps doing that? I just don't have any cash for lunch. Can I just borrow 10 for lunch? What is that? What is that? That's mulla.

Cheddar. But do you do that with money? Do you actually do that with money? I do it. With crypto, that's what you do with crypto. You hold it. It's a fungible token. Fungible.

Is that what fungible? That's what a fungible token is. Oh, that's fungible. Are you funging it right now? That's funging. If you can do this, you can funge it. Yeah. If you can funge it, you can funge it.

Oh, mate. That's my new catchphrase. I said the same thing twice. If you can fund you. And then I say, oh, mate. Oh, mate. What about this? And I apologize in advance.

Fun gerbil tokens. Okay. Okay. And apologize in advance. I haven't heard it yet. Yeah, yeah. No, no. I mean, I'm already having a good time, Andy.

I guess, I guess maybe it's a petting zoo. I guess. And that's how they have their own currency. Oh, well, you know, it's a trade in tokens. You gerbils. Yeah. It's like one of those wildlife parks where you can feed like the kangaroo. or whatever. But they only have

carnivores. Yeah. Right. So you get a little... You feed the gerbils? Yeah. And so you get a little bag full of gerbils like that. You go, come here, come here, the grizzly bear. Come here, kids. Oh, pretty good idea. And remember, keep your hand flat because he's got big teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that. And he's really hurt.

The gerbils biting me. The gerbils biting you. Well, as well. Oh, no. Because that doesn't want to be fed to a tiger. Yeah. It's a want to. It's not part of the gerbils game. They're getting nothing out of it. These gerbils. I just want to congratulate, both. of you for turning fun gerbil tokens into something that I don't have to feel awful about.

I think it's good. I don't know if you can submit these after Saturday not live. Is that what you do after this? After this, we just send them that document. Just send them that document. And we say, what are you guys reckon about this? What do you guys think about fun gerbils? Yeah, I send it in a voice note. Anyone doing that?

Yeah, send it in a voice note. What do you guys reckon about this? A couple of schedule it is from Australia. Mate. Yeah, from down. We stay up for 24 hours. Everyone stays up for 24 hours in Australia. Well, I mean,

the fucking Saturday Night Live, they're doing those late night sketchwriting. That's part of their process is to work late into the night. Very late at the day before the show. Perfect for Australia. Get us to do it. It's a beautiful daytime job.

Get that cheaper, offshore it. Yeah. Offshore. We're just doing a nine to five. It's just you too. Writing all week. Yeah, all week long. I mean, that would be perfect.

We don't even have to take cocaine. Well, you can if you want. We're a wake anyway. We're taking fun jubbles. Yeah. I mean, look, once we get the profits come in, obviously, We will be a bit funger will do. But not at night time.

Not at night time. In the day. Oh, you respectable family people after 5pm. This is such a great idea. We've just invented something, taking cocaine during the day. A morning cocaine. You're already awake anyway. It's sort of like doing a speedball.

Yeah. Yeah, kind of. No, it's the opposite. Because you are, you're awake and then you take something that really wakes you up. I mean, imagine, nobody's tried this before. Imagine what we'd be able to have tried this. I tried taking cocaine constantly. I think a few real estate agents might disagree.

Why wait until you're, it's late at night and you're tired? Yeah. When you could wake up, you're already waking brain, and you'd have so many great ideas. You'd be dancing. We've had, you know, our kind colleagues from Auntie Donna have come up with, of course, the morning brown. What about the morning white?

Morning white. See, this is our idea. Morning white. This is why we're so different to those guys. and why we still have, we still have a valuable role to play in the sketch comedy ecosystem. That's right.

Not making it around, you know, it's a theoretical sketch comedy, you know? Don't read into it too much. Yeah, yeah, like,

you know, a lot of people are making sketches and things like that. But, you know, morning white be a, like a coffee store, but it's just a public toilet. Yes.

Yeah, I mean, people come into it. Yeah, it's a cafe, but you go in there and there are just cubicles. It's just different cubicles. And then, and then you just get,

you know, guy gives you your thing, the Ethiopian blend. Yeah, you have to go, like, lay it on the cistern. Right, perhaps. What about this? It is a cafe, but the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, nice, nice, nice, wouldn't one, but it's brought to your, like, on, like, they would do it on, on a little board, but it's on a little, what, we had, we had, uh, growing up, I don't know if you know one else can relate to. to this. We had a wooden toilet seat. Anybody else have this?

I had a wooden toilet seat. Really? I've only ever had either, you know, plastic or porcelain or electric, you know, with some of the... I don't reckon you have had porcelain. You don't think I've had a porcelain. I don't think you've had a porcelain. You reckon that wouldn't... I reckon that would smash. A few times, you know, at nighttime, I have gone...

I've gone to the bathroom, the bathroom. And the seat's been up and I've sat and put my butt all the way through. That's a fun thing? Well, I mean, I wouldn't have done it on purpose, but I did have a... better time than I thought I would have. Right. Now, you're doing that late at night. Now, imagine doing that in the morning.

In the morning. Revers it. Wakes you right up. Imagine how good that wakes you up. And that's also white, morning white. Morning white. There you go. Morning white.

I had a good euphemism for going to the bathroom earlier, which was Occupy Bowles Street. That's quite nice. Yeah, you like that. Occupy Bowles Street. Actually, on the drive here, we were, this wasn't supposed to be, we were talking about, you know, you know, when you pitch your tent. Yes. Well, imagine if you had a shit so.

stiff and you just shit your pants you pitch a back tent oh great pitch your back tent do people find that quite sexy I mean you go you're making me pitch a back tent you are making me

that's when you're beloved she might not be all that gorgeous but boy she is feeding you a lot of really dense fiber a lot of fibre in my diet you can tell he's pitching a back tent but that is beautiful in its own way

which is why you're shitting yourself stunning it's stunning When you really think about it, it's stunning. Yeah, because, I mean, you know, we're not necessarily, you know, oil paintings ourselves, you know, but I reckon if I could feed, I could feed some beautiful fiber to really well. You know, my beloved, and I could get her to pitch her back to. Three square meals a day. I reckon I could get her to pitch her back ten. It's actually a beautiful thing to that. I mean, you know, maybe the idea is you got to, you got to, instead of square meals, you got to do sort of turd-shaped meals.

Yeah, that's fun. You know, because you want, you got to put in what you want. it out. Oh, mate. You only get out what you put in. Picture bag. I'm so sorry about this, everybody. I love that you two were talking about that on the way and you're not delirious yet. Turd-shaped meals.

Great idea. Great concept. Easy in, easy out. Yeah, exactly. Begin with the end in mind. Yeah. Oh, that's right. It's the perfect story circle. You go back. You go back. Arroborous. You return to where you've begun, having changed. And then I think that that's what the food will have done. Yeah, absolutely.

It would change with you. That's what it's like eating a picnic bar. You eat a picnic bar. Yeah, it looks like a turd. Yeah, that's right. And then it goes on a journey. Yeah, and it goes on a journey. Sometimes it doesn't think it's going to...

A journey of discovery. Yeah, a journey of discovery. It's going through all these things. The hero's journey? I mean, it's pretty close. If you wanted to call it that. Is there a hero bar? It feels like there should be a hero bar.

There is a hero bar. Somewhere there's going to be a hero bar for sure. Yeah, that's so funny. Oh, you guys are up to 32 sketchy it so far. Oh, yeah. And they're all good. They're all good. The chocolate bar.

Follows, follows the... Heroes journey. Heroes journey. That's great. That's so good because it's like an astronaut meal. Yeah. That's right. Yeah.

Don't worry about this. Do you say it's a three-act structure? I thought you were saying it's a three-astronaut structure. Three astronauts. Astronauts. Astronaut. Oh, yeah. So it's astronaut in North America.

Is it astronaut here? Down in Australia. Astronaut. Astronaut. Astronaut. Anyway, forget it. I'm so sorry. Forget it. I'm so sorry.

I mean, that would be what you would call yourself if you were exploring the other final frontier, the inner space. Oh, the inner space. If we can explore the anal sex. What are you talking about? I was thinking more about like getting shrunk down, getting shrunk down into a tiny little guy.

Get your mind. to a little, you know, get shrunk down and put it into a little submarine or something. Yeah, and go enter into a body. Yeah. Like that, and then go fight viruses. Yeah, maybe. Imagine that going in and like

fighting the virus that's sort of attacking your mom, the rare virus or whatever. It's attacking your mom. What's it's attacking your mum for? Well, I don't know. Viruses do. No, I shouldn't be, yeah, viruses do. Voices are a lot of that. Don't attack your mum.

Don't attack anybody. I don't care. I'll attack everybody, even. I think to go in, because I mean, it's actually kind of immoral to do that. To fight your mum? Yeah, for a virus to kind of come in and sort of... I agree, actually. ...your parents or whatever like that. And so then maybe

you can go in and you give them a talking to. Right. Sort of make them feel bad. Debate me. Debate me. You set up a table. Right, and they might change their mind if I want to fight your mum. Yeah, yeah, like that. It's not the woke mind virus. No, no, this is the opposite. This is, um, it could be.

I mean, we can change the idea. The woke mind virus, does it only attack the mind? Because these things, they might start out. as a mind virus but eventually like metastised and spread to other parts of the body and what effects would it have it push your back 10 i reckon push your back 10 i'd push your back 10 out i i mean i'm starting to feel a bit of a back 10 i feel like i had a conversation with somebody the other day about and i know i brought this up but you've really taken it to that place about the woke mind virus also causing diarrhea did i talk about this with you oh was a

The woke virus. It's one of the symptoms of... It gets into your gut. Yeah. And... Chrotic diarrhea. Yeah. I mean, I mean, there's something interesting in that.

I feel like there needs to be... Joe Rogan kind of... He's spouting about all the time. Yeah, yeah. I mean... You need your diarrhea if you two woke. Yeah. And, but, but like, it feels like it should do something...

It should do something a little bit else. A little bit more that's like a little bit more woke or something like that, you know? Moolah, that's money. Yeah, oh, baby. We're talking of money again. What about the opposite of that? diarrhea, just like makes your piss go solid. Is that the opposite of diarrhea?

I think so. Yeah. That's the exact opposite of diarrhea. You get like a, you get gelatinous. Oh my God. Yeah. Stop pissing out jelly. Oh, you're like, it's coming out like that.

And you're like, fuck, this sucks. This sucks. This sucks. As you say, when you get diarrhea. It sucks. Is it really sticky? I think, I think maybe, yeah, well, if you pinch it, if you pinch it. If you pinch it, yeah, if you pinch it, I guess, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll,

You will be pulling some out, won't you? Maybe that's the way you've got to, like, you've got to cut it off at the end with a pair of scissors. It's like when you finish the stream at the bathroom, you've got to snip the end off, right, to, because it's like a stream. You have to, it's like an umbilical cord. Yeah, or like a bit of nylon, you know, like fishing line or something like that. You have to cut it off. You have to get a doctor to come in. Maybe.

That's a bad job for the doctor to come and cut your gelatin. Maybe you just do it straight onto a spot. spool, you know, and you wind it up like that. Yeah. Oh, that's fun. I like that. That's a fun idea. Oh, and then you make clothing out of it. Maybe with all the microplastics in our bloodstreams, this isn't that bloody far away. This is not that bloody. You could at least make like a reusable shopping bag. What about this? Shocking bag. Microplastics? Shocking bag. It's a shocking bag. It's a shocking bag. It's a shocking bag. It's a shocking bag. It just electrifies you for no reason. Look at that. Look at this dog. You still feeding them big boxes of sugar? He's getting no, not anymore. I gave him a big box. Because he

used to go through everything in the house. He used to just eat a big box of sugar. Can you sit with you for a moment? Oh, yeah, of course. He might just sit that way, if that's okay. Is that normal and fun? I mean, he just doesn't have, like, sort of that much stagecraft. How about this?

Oh, there we go. Can I put my anus on this, Mike? I'm so sorry. I love that you're apologizing. Well, I'm the one who said this would be okay. No, no, no. I ultimately got responsibility. What about this?

We've got long dogs. We've got high dogs. Yes. But have we got really wide flat dogs? I don't think we do. Like a manta ray dog or a stu-re dog is so funny. Maybe you could use it as a carpet, you know? Like imagine that you and your beloved.

Wait, where, way. It's muddling up on the dog in front of the roaring fireplace. It's guzzling up stuff, dust and everything. You know, like one of those things that goes around. Like a rumba. Yeah, like a rumba. But it's a dog. It's a dog sort of scuttles around on the ground like a ray.

shimmying from place to place that's a good idea I mean if we can invent her imagine just inventing a long dog over the years just squashing That's what they've done with all the dogs And they've got so much range They can do so many things

That's well this one can't But some dogs can do stuff Yeah a really wide dog One that like its legs are very far apart Like they're as far apart As a sausage dog's legs are back and front But they're side to side Yeah

Like that You know And instead of of like flat like this they're kind of just flat like that and so their face is still sort of like this but but it's like their eyes are up like a flounder or something like that great yeah that's good that stargazer fish you were showing us the other yeah yeah yeah and then but and they can get on top of other dogs and just like cling on to their necks and kill them i guess maybe is that how they their their mouth is underneath like a stingray and they can bite like that and the other dogs

They don't like it. It's just, it's, you know, it's too... It's too much for them. It's too scuttley. It's too... They don't like it when they get onto their backs and... Bought into their neck. They're trying to kill them.

Yeah, yeah. And that's fun. Dogs hate that. Dogs, yeah, do you like it when people buy your neck, mate? He doesn't like that some of stuff. What about some sort of doggy daycare as well? Like a doggy day care. Yeah.

But it's a daycare, but it's the dogs are the carers. The dogs are the carers. That's a great idea. Dogs look after the children? So somebody's like, yeah, somebody's like, yeah, somebody's like, Like, I'm taking them to doggie daycare. You go, oh, you send your dog to doggy daycare?

He goes, yeah, I think it's good for them like that. You know, have a bit of responsibility. And then you go there, and it's like, it's just dogs like this, and they're just like biting boxes of sugar, brown sugar like that. And they're spreading it everywhere. And the kids are like, ha, this is so good. And they're laughing. And the kids are having the best time.

They're showing how responsibility works. Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, I like doggy daycare with the dogs. But dogs, that's fun. That's because they have the kids for, I was on the ABC, it's like, Oh, the old folks home for four-year-olds. It's like dogs. It's a children's daycare for dogs.

And then at some point the dogs take all the kids out and they go to, they go to like, there's like a shop nearby, like a corner store like that. And then they go and then like the dog just like grabs a packet of like, you know, like Cheetos or something like that and just runs and the shopkeepers like, ah, and all the kids are like, Like that and they're chasing the dog Running with the dog And then they go And the kids open the packet for the dog

Or the dogs pulling on it And the kids pull on the other hand The Cheetos go everywhere In the time of their lives And they're learning real lessons Responsibility Help them in the real world How not to be responsible

Learn about how not to be a rat Yeah You know Yes, you don't rat on your friends You don't rat on your dogs On your big dogs And then when the when the like At some point the guy from the pound comes

And he's like Give me that dog And the kids start Hitting the man And the kids Protect the dogs And they really turn into Like a beautiful

Can we call it big dog house? Yeah Big dog house Doggy Dick Daycare big dogger's house Big dogger's house That's nice I'm basing that off of

Big Mama's house And then it turns out The whole time It was a man dressed as a dog Oh what about Mrs. This is doubtfire

But he dresses up as a dog Oh That's another sketch Miss his dog This is dog fire. And it's a dog that maybe went to a rescue home. Yeah. He wants to come back into the family and doesn't know how because they don't want him anymore.

So he has to dress up as a housekeeper. Wait, sir, this is a dog. I thought it's a dad dresses up as the dog. It's a dog to get in to get it back in. That's a better concept. Well, no, man, I like yours too. It's the dogs that got kicked out. They didn't want him anymore.

He went to a rescue home and then he comes back as a cow skil. with a Scottish accent. Yeah. Is that something? So, yeah, yeah. So one is Mrs. Dogfire, which is a guy who's divorced from his family and goes and dresses up as a dog. Yeah.

And they're like, can we keep a mom? And then he kind of lives as a dog so he can see his family. Yeah. And then things like that. I mean, so we can see. If we wanted to make this into a real movie, I reckon he'd probably have to get his brain transplanted into the dog. That's interesting.

We'll get Nathan Lane to do that bit. Nathan Lane could do the transplant. Yeah. He's got beautiful nimble fingers. I can imagine him being very good with a scalpel. Yeah, well, Nathan Lane recently has only been playing, I would have been obsessed with recently, Nathan Lane only seems to play in his roles at the moment.

Jurors on famous cases, who's a bit chatty and gossipy. He's in quite a few shows now. He plays a juror, and then it cuts to him in his house going, and you'll never believe what happened next. Wow. How many movies have you seen with this? The OJ Simpson versus the people, there's another example. There are quite a few.

I'm going to, I'm going to, I'll send them to you later. He's been capped. After you've had your 24 hours of sketches. Yeah. And then the other guy, well, it's a dog. No, wait, it's a guy, no, wait. It's a dog that's been kicked out of its. Mrs. Doubtfire.

Yeah. Well, this one is Doubt Dog. We've got Mrs. Dogfire. Two very separate ideas handy. This is Dogfire. And then we've got Mrs. Doubt Dog. I apologize. And then he's been kicked out with the divorced dad.

Yeah. So then he, I guess, kills the dad. Sadly. Where's his skin? But then he dresses it. But then as the dad, wearing the skin, he also dresses up as a Scottish housekeeper. He did he keeps of different skins. And, okay, so Ed Gain, because that's popular at the moment.

Oh, he's very big right now. He's very big right now. He was a sort of a serial killer. He only really killed too big. But he robbed Graves and he did like the skin and... Made a suit? Made a suit. I don't think you would look good wearing...

What about the Scottish Housekeeper? Yeah, I mean, a Scottish... I mean, it's good enough for a Scottish housekeeper. It's not believable in any other way. Yeah, yeah. Scottish Housekeeper, yeah. Hello! Hello!

Great, I like that. Because origin stories, I think, can be quite interesting as well. I think an origin story of a character you don't expect, because you've got the joker. You've got, you know, origin stories that keep coming out. What about the origin story of like Ozzy Ostrich? Or like someone very Australian. Like, absolutely, yeah.

Not because I don't think it needs to be like someone like Daryl Summers or something. It needs to be someone. Dickey Knee? Oh, yeah, Dickie Knee. It doesn't just have to be, hey, hey, but it could be the origin story of a puppet. Dickey Knee, you never saw his face, is that right? Never saw his face. I mean, what a reveal that would be.

I mean, that's how you. would get people in, you know, sort of like they did with the Mandalorian, right? It's like, oh, you always wears this mask. You never see what he's like. Well, what if you could see what he was like? Yeah. Right. And then to find out that Dickie Ney has a beautiful sculpted, very masculine face. Oh, I was thinking deformed. Yeah. I know. I know. I mean, that would make sense why he doesn't show his face. But then imagine that he actually, he was more, he was more afraid of being judged for his beauty. and people thinking

I know what that's like You know, not, and then Swan and then not allowing his art Oh, to speak for itself You know, he You know, he His fear

Not his value He's just, yeah Not earning, not earning You know, not that I'm saying That models don't earn their Their money and stuff like that It sounded like you said that Well, you know, but he just didn't want to be given

He didn't want to be given money Just because of how beautiful he was Yeah Even though he was sort of tiny Like a tiny You know, like, he has, like, you know, full... And he had that beautiful voice. Oh, beautiful.

How did it go? Like, you missed it. Mr. Darrell, Mr. Darrell. Yeah, Mr. Darrell, Mr. Darrell. And, uh, but beautiful muscular body. Yeah. Like that chiseled face, beautiful beard. Oh, beautiful beard.

Yeah. Chiseled face and a beautiful beard. How do you see the chiseling? Is the beard also quite chiseled? Oh, the beard is, it's a very tight. And a kid. You can't, you can't. You can't see it from behind.

It has to keep it really. That's right. Yeah. It has to be beautiful. Yeah. It has to be beautiful. You know what we could do? We could get AI to try and predict what Dickie Knee's face looks like.

Oh, yeah. You know, this is like the world that we're in. Now, show us the front. Show us the front. What's what he's like when he's pitching a front tent. Show us the front. Yeah, okay. So Dickie Knee origin story.

Oh, imagine this. You're pitching a front back tent. That's when it goes all the way around and comes and, and starts poking out the front. Ignore that. Don't forget that. Run it down. It's good.

Yeah, no, I can't write it down. I can't. That's just the same idea. It's just a same idea. But it's just taking a slightly different direction. It's gone through the... Write it down. Write it down.

I can't write it down. It's already written down. Many times, I know. Many times. And it exists in everybody's head already. But yeah, I think that's... I think origin stories are a fun idea. Oh, yeah.

I mean, what would you call it? Would you call it? or would you call it knee? You can't call it Dicky Knee, right? Knee's good. Like I think, you know, it's either you go, it's Batman or it's the Batman's Joker or it's the joke or like, you know. Or maybe it's called Mr. Daryl, Mr. Daryl, Mr. Daryl, Mr. Daryl,

and it's just an applause. That's all the title, it's just the applause. Mr. Daryl, Mr. Daryl and then applause and he bows. The title of the movie is applause. It's a really good idea. What about Apple sauce? Yeah, oh, that's a fun Larry, Larry Sanders. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.

Is that what that is? Yeah. Yeah, because you'll see on that sign up there, it says Apple sauce, sorry, applause, or whatever. So it could be a Larry Sanders reference for no reason in a dicky knee film. Apple sauce. I've always wanted to have a big neon sign

that says Apple sauce in my home. I think that would be nice. I mean, you could have one of your studios. You got studios, don't you? Studios? You're always recording in studios. You've done numerous podcasts. Numerous podcasts.

How many of you got right now? I've got two. One in the bedroom, nice one. Oh, little apple sauce in the bedroom. Have you ever had, have you ever done so well performed sort of in a sort of a intimate context where someone's given you a round of applause afterwards? No. You know, standing. Only a slow clap.

I mean, receiving a slow clap. Oh, well done. After sort of after performing, being down there, like sort of maybe, you know. Working away. Working away Working, working, working. Laying the fields. With the, with the mouth maybe?

With the mouth? I guess. Just anything. I mean, if you want. No, I think, I think, um, what would you get a slow clap for? I mean, just average. I think it's like, because I think it's patronizing or is it cheering you all? I think.

I mean, I mean, look, I think to look at all the different types of collapse that you could get afterwards. Yeah. It's probably the worst one, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, like, but I mean, the thing is that the slow clap could start, you go, oh, no. And then it goes, oh, that's really good. Like that, because, you know, that would. That's really part of the spectrum of the Matt Preston.

That was disgusting. Yeah. Yes. Oh, disgustingly good. I mean, to receive that afterwards, let's say you go down on somebody and then they, and then they, you finish up, you come out from under the blankets. It's, you go, that was disgusting. How about this is a sketchy idea? Matt Preston.

Not his origins, I'm not only pitching origin stories today. Matt Preston, so he went into a cravat, famously, right? So he's sitting at a restaurant. He's having a lovely time with his friends. And then ATB or Andy, I haven't cast it just yet. Thanks. I'm still in the mix. Still in the mix.

Don't worry. Still in conversation. Two in the think tank host type. Yeah. walks in and you've got a cravat on as well. Oh my God. And Matt Preston's talking with his friends and then he looks over. Yeah.

And he sees you with a cravat. He wants to fight me. And he's just, he's going to take you out and you're only doing it and you follow him around. And he goes like that. Take it off. Take it off. And he's threatening me across.

Yeah. And then he gets the way to ask you to leave. Yeah. That's good. I mean, I really like that. And then at some point it would have to come to like, yeah, so either...

It comes to blows, don't worry. Because, yeah, I was trying it out for the first time. What kind of blows? That's up to you. The one that's a back tent. The back tent. We came to blows. Good kind.

The good kind, don't worry. I got a slow clap after. The good kind. The good kind. The one that gets faster. The one that gets faster. It was a nice one, actually. Matt's Pratt.

Because I think all his social media is Matt's crime. Oh, he's very much his branding. It's sort of a front cape, isn't it? beautiful tiny front cape it's essentially sort of one of those like dentist wait no I'm thinking of a bib what is a cravat

no cravat is um the kind of folded up like um it's like a fancy bib essentially like it's like you're wearing a it really is and then it gets tucked into your shirt yeah it's a fancy bib you would just wear out and is that like a thing that he eats because he I don't know I don't think it's for that look if I look up cravat no I think he just it's just a style thing

right and almost nobody uses yeah and he thinks it's quite He is brave enough And I think has enough sort of Beautiful Beautiful That does look good It is kind of like a handkerchief

That's it could be a handkerchief as well Yeah it could be Showing it to the very small Oh yeah Oh yeah Do you think that we could Not all heroes wear capes Somewhere bibs

Somewhere bibs Should babies Should But should we try and get bibs Bibs are back For adults Bips for the boys Bips for the boys

A big big boy bib Is there some way that We could like... We could market the bib to adults. Like, you imagine that the bib industry is constantly... Sick of wiping your mouth? Trying to crack the adult market. You think that they're hitting that ceiling.

Especially those rubber ones with the scoop. Oh, the George Foreman grill tray. Oh, the George Foreman oil tray there like that. I mean, that's how you do it, isn't it? Like you try and make it really manly, that you're eating such... Like cababs that are really dripping. Yeah. You know, but things that have got like, make...

you still got blood in them or like a super oily barbecue or whatever you're like you're when you eat hard you drip hard that's right yeah and you're sick of wiping your face yeah yeah the boys bibs for the boy I want to slow down yeah it's right I want to slow down I don't want to eat and then you sell this bread that you can mop up all the good stuff with oh yeah that's you know and that's how you get a subscription service going with the bib it's vacuum seal you can have it all year round yeah yeah we'll deliver pocket bread that goes in your pocket like that Yeah, it's pocket bread. So you can always have pocket.

Like that. And then it also balances that. You got your wallet. Yeah. Or maybe you got your wallet in your back pocket. That's bulging. You got your phone in one pocket. That's bulging.

This pocket isn't bulging. Get some pocket bread in there. Like that. Yeah. It's the, your pocket isn't bulge. Yeah. That's right.

The back tent. That's right. The fourth bulge. The fourth bulge. I think that's fun. I think, yeah. I think also, wouldn't it be great, you go to a,

restaurant with your beloved you're both wearing bibs and at the end of the night you get it you each get a bit of bread and you can dip in each other's bib oh you're sharing you know you you scrape out my bib bowl you interlock your arms like that oh no that's then you can do that as well yeah i mean you go like this you get your elbows like that oh that's quite nice or you just dip your finger you dip your finger into her bib Trent like that and then you it's very intimate nutty it's like dog it's like dog Oh, your actual hand. No, no, I didn't actually taste like...

You weren't saying that too. As soon as I put it out, I was like, sorry, I've been touching the dog. Don't dip into your beloved's big bowl. Take his dip and taste like dog. It tastes like dog. Unless you've been eating cold hot dogs. You kiss somebody. And then, okay, and then afterwards...

Then you talk about it what it tasted like. Yeah, yeah. And then you say, you get the first date. Got notes a dog. It's been going so good. Like that, right? You kiss. At the end of the date like that.

And then you say, you taste like dog. And she goes, what? And then he goes, no, in a good way. Oh, that's nice. That's a bit sexy when you put it like that. Yeah. In a good way. In a good way.

And then I guess it's over. Yeah, she asked you to leave. Yeah, she asks you, I need you to leave. I need you to leave. And then she's having a conversation with her friends the next day. We're following that. And then she's like, everything was so good. He likes everything.

Both had our bibs on. Yeah. bibs we dipped in each other's bib oil like that with our pocket bread and then after it he said I tasted like dog I was like what and then he said no in a good way in a good way and then all the girls that she's talking to her and they're like he's a keeper yeah if someone said that to me that is weird because that is then then like you do taste like dog they say she's like oh it was over it was like like can we kiss and then they kiss and she's like yeah you do taste like dog that's okay but not in a bad way yeah that's nice and so then

Suddenly it goes from being like, so suddenly it goes from like, wait, I definitely can't see this guy again. And then her friends are like, no, no, no, I think he's okay. And then they kiss. And then she finds out the problem is actually with her. She actually does taste like dog all along. But in a good way, so it's no problem. Yeah, yeah. But it is like a wet, like it's like wet dog.

You're right. But it's got a kind of like, it's like they've fixed wet dog flavor and made him. Taste like dog or a Scottish housekeeper. I can't tell which one. Kissing you tastes exactly like kissing my Scottish housekeeper. That's interesting. We lost our dog. What about blind dating shows?

But you have to kiss them with blindfolds on and it's all about taste. Oh, that's really good. What about this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a blind dating show, but you have your nose blocked so you don't know what they smell like. like until the end of the date, right? And you're like, it was a great date. We got along so well.

I just hope she smells all right at the end. Take out the nose plugs. Take out the plugs. And you give each other a big sniff. That's nice. Oh, you smell like shit. Oh, no. But then it's like, it's like, it's like, it teaches you a lesson of it.

And then like, oh, it turns out he's so shallow. He doesn't want to go out with a girl who tastes like shit. Yeah. We got along so well, but he's unable to see. I was like, I was like, I was so funny the nose reveal at the end

they take this the peg of, I think two plugs. Yeah, yeah, one's got plugs, one's got a bloody thing like that.

I think the host comes in and takes out the club. Yeah, that's nice. And they can't, and they just can't mask what they feel.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, they all vomit. It just like, takes it out like that

and goes, oh. The head back. It goes back. Yeah, yeah. It's a dating show. It's a new dating show. Yeah, it's a good dating show.

It's a great dating show. Have you seen this dining show that I don't get to smell each other until the end? Really nice. What about a dating show? I mean, or like a dating scene that is just doubt firing. And so everybody dresses up as a Scottish housemaid. Oh, that's fun. And so you don't know what they really look like.

You don't, I mean, not entirely. Yeah, yeah. One could be a dog. One could be a dog, for example. And so then you just go on dates with each other. you're both you're both oh yes well very nice yes oh don't think of you're double doubt firing yeah you're double doubt firing and you're in that final scene well i was going to say and you've actually double date you've already you've booked two dates the doubtfire thing so then you've got to go get dressed up as a different

Scottish house that's great this is a really this is the prosthetics alone this is a really good idea for a dating show where they have to run away in between... In between dates? That's so good. And they have to dress up there. And okay, here's the two things.

One, you're trying to find love, but two, you're trying to not have your date find out that you're also dressing up as a Scottish housekeeper, right? And if you can find love... Because isn't that the thing that, like, they keep coming back to the same table, right? Isn't he...

Is he at the same table for, like, as Mrs. Doubtfire? And he's talking to two different... And as himself? Yeah. You have to keep coming back and sitting down at the same thing. I think he has to keep coming back out and having a reg... Like, dressed up as himself and then go back as Mr. Doubtfire. And then goes eventually sits down at the wrong table as Doubtfire.

Oh, it's two different tables. I think it's two different. I think he's going between that comedy type of going between two. Could we have at the end one person in the dating show is actually an old Scottish housekeeper? Oh, you've got to find out which one's the real Scottish housekeeper. Which one is the real Scottish housekeeper? The show's called Without a Doubt. Without a doubt.

Without a doubt fire. Without a doubt fire. Without a doubt fire. And is it like the thing where you've got to kill the one that you think... On the dating show, you have to kill one of them. Is that what you're saying? A different show, right? It's a different show.

Trying to kill them. Is that the show? It's a different show. It's a completely different show. No, no, no. Sorry, I meant the... You're all dressed as doubt fires and one of them's a real Scottish house. Yeah.

And you have to pick which one's the real one. Yeah. I think that's a fun idea. Oh, that is fun. Because they've got the circle, if you've seen that, where people go into a house and no one, they talk through a chat and they're all, they're pretending, a lot of them are pretending to be different people.

And you have to guess which one is a real person and which one's a catfish. And it's real fun. They all pretend to be different people. It's real fun. And it's a real quiz. And you have to, everyone's kind of being deceived and everything. And then when they're voted out, you get to meet that person. So I think it could kind of be, that could kind of be like this.

Oh, yeah, except they're all Mrs. Doubtfire. All Mrs. Doubtfire, but one of them just kept going, ooh, they haven't got me yet. It really is Mrs. Doubtfire. It really is Mrs. Doubtfire. Like the actual Mrs. Doubtfire film. I do think that the prequel for, if we were to make a prequel for Mrs. Doubtfire, it would be where we find out that the dad was actually the family dog.

Yes. dressed up as the dad. Right? So it's like, we know how the dad became Mrs. Doubtfire. but do we know how the dad became the dad well it's because he used to be a dog yeah that's just a and that's just a title scene at the end oh

it's not the end of the old prequel yep so what is the prequel about then maybe maybe it used to be that woman's dog and he started to act up and shit in the house and things like that this is when she was much younger she was heartbroken about giving him away but she had to she had no choice you know he's no good and so then he

goes and kills a man and takes his skin. Exactly right. And then becomes a voiceover artist. That's good. I mean, not only to learn to speak English, but to have such mastery over the human voice. Spoken word.

You can then pretend to be a little chicken. Yeah, like a little Tweetybird kind of character. That's what he does in the opening scene. It's a funny scene. That's right. And then he develops he becomes friends with a guy who makes human masks and stuff like that, which I guess helped him make the humans

suit. And that could be Nathan Lane again. That could be Nathan Lane. Again. I mean, there was, who was, there was a different way, it was the one of talks like that. Oh, yes, that's Rich Firestein. Isn't that Harvey Firestein? Something like that, yeah. I remember when he tweeted all, when all the stuff came out in the Me Too movement about

Harvey Weinstein, he tweeted, again, it's Firesteen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tweeted in his voice. Oh, man. It's hard to do. Yeah, yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, that's good. You know how that, because I had the, you know, Jimmy Kimmel used to have, like, mean tweets. That used to be a thing.

Everybody's reading out mean tweets. You know, and I haven't, I don't think it's transitioned to X or anything. Could we just have Harvey Feistine doing that? Reading out all tweets. Reading out all tweets. They're really nice ones, some of them are, like, real lovely ones. Because he doesn't do a lot of, I think he's still alive, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, yeah, I think I saw him interviewed very recently.

Yeah. It was getting some kind of lifetime achievement. Oh, and he should. And he should, but it's always sad because you're like, oh, no, I'm close to the end. Yeah, lifetime, really. Lifetime, the whole lifetime's already done? I thought I had a few more years before I got to the lifetime achievement. Lifetime achievement.

Oh, yeah, so it could be a lifetime achievement for someone who's really young and doesn't want it. It also feels like you give the Lifetime Achievement Award when you're pretty sure they're not going to do anything else. Yeah. Right? Like, you don't want to go too early on the Lifetime Achievement Award. And we're like, but we've been watching your career and we reckon we can draw a line under it, to be honest. It's like when someone writes an autobiography way too young. And you're like, what have you done yet?

It's not going to be. Have you written an autobiography? Hapes. No. I feel like you could at this stage. He's done so many things. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I can't wait for you. I could write it for you if you like. That'd be great. Yeah. In Harvey Fisstein's voice. Yeah, yeah. I grew up on Phillip Island. I did a lot of stuff in community TV in Geelong.

And then I made some masks for Robin Williams. And the movie Mrs. Doubtfire. He accidentally. Yeah. And then I accidentally start writing some stuff about Harvey Firestein. Do you think I'm from Jolong? Is that where? Where are you?

Philippe Island. It's completely the other direction. You're going the wrong way around the bay, mate. I'm so sorry. You're going the wrong way around the bay and you know it's not okay. When you got to go down west. You're getting this like that. Thank you, Andy.

That was beautiful. That was beautiful. That was beautiful. That was a beautiful performance. Gave you good oral, did I? An oral. Very good oral. Oh, sorry.

Well, I guess it's both, isn't it? Yeah. Oral and oral. Mouth to a year. Is Philip Island roughly the same distance away from Melbourne as Geelong? No. Just give me that. Dead wrong.

Please. I mean, an hour to Geelong? Is it? Two and a bit hours to... Oh, you're right. He can't give... Way off. He can't give you that.

Way off. He can't give you. He's lying to himself, and you can't ask that from... That's a 50% increase. Yeah, you're right. You're right. I mean, okay, would you agree that it is a distance. I would agree.

I know, I will agree with that. So, there is that similarity. similarity. Yeah, yeah, there's that similarity. I do agree with that. I will let you have that. I will let you have that. You will let me have it?

I will let you have that. All right. So wait, how are we turning this lifetime achievement, early life achievement? Yeah, lifetime achievement that's way, for someone way too young. Yeah. And they just don't, then they tell them, I just don't believe that you're going to do anything that great. Yeah.

Or you request it because you don't want to keep trying. A background, a background artist. Yeah. Who's still trying to break into the like sort of regular. Speaking role? Regular speaking roles and they kind of shutting it and shutting it down. What about a lack of achievement award?

Oh, that's great. Lifetime lack of achievement of awards. A Razzie, but for your life. For your whole life. Which is nice. Okay, I'll just write down Razzie but for the life. Write down Razzie for the life. Yeah.

You know, know what that means. It's a big, you know, is it a big deal? It's a big sort of glamorous thing. And are there lots of celebrities in the audience still? Yeah. And then they get up nobodies. And they give them award for not having done anything. Not doing anything.

You're a failure. You know, I guess it's like one of those things like, you know, if you're known by enough people, but you're kind of getting through your life and you haven't really done much, like I've done almost nothing. It's this weird like, oh no, like that is you could almost get a razzie for your life.

The whole life. I can see what you were trying to do, but you failed even on your own terms. Yeah. Like that TV show, where do you, I don't know what was a call, but it was something about where are they now? I think it was called Where Are They Now?

Do you remember that TV show? and it was always going to people who were going, I've been really busy, I've been doing heaps of stuff. Yeah. Yeah, you're right, as a concept, yeah. That's no good. It's pretty upsetting.

Where are they now? And they go to Nikki Webster or someone, and Nicky Webster's going, I've been really successful. I've been trying really hard. I've been trying with my best. But where are you now? Why don't we know about you?

Why don't we know about you? It really is based around that thing. It's like, well, I don't know. I haven't heard anything about them. I always, when we were working on talking about your generation, I always tried to get that up as a segment. Where are they now? Yeah.

But it would be, we'd get a celebrity and they'd be hiding somewhere on the set. Oh, great. You have to try and find them. Where are they? Oh, John Wood, he's under the podium. Yeah. Where are they now? Has it been used in anything?

John Wood, he's been this, is that? Has it been using it? It's never made it. It's going in. It's going in. It's a whole TV show. It's celebrity hide and seek. Pretty hide and seek.

I actually think we did pitch on this, on this very podcast, and every single one of these ideas is a pitch, by the way. We are just waiting for the phone to ring. Yeah. We pitched Celebrity Hide and Seek where you, it's like one of those Architectural Digest shows Where you go to a celebrity's house It's called, that's Celebrity Hidey Hall

Heidi Hall. Celebrity Heidi Hall. Yeah. Not Heidi Hall. Heidi Hall. Hole. You know what, though? I reckon a celebrity hide and seek

that is just straight up, it's just hide and seek. It's just the game. That's all it is. It's just hide and seek. And it's just in a house? I guess. Yeah, it's in a man. I guess.

Yeah, it's just a small house. What if it was in a... Tiny house? It's in a tiny home. Oh, that's harder. Tiny home, hide and seek. Maybe as the levels go, it starts in a mansion. And as the levels get harder and harder, it starts to go into a caravan.

The caravan could be the end one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fun. The boss level. Boss level. Yeah, yeah. I like that. And then at some point, you just got to hide in like a shipping container.

Yeah. It's like Marsha Heim versus Dr. Chris Brown. Yeah. Like that. And you've got to hide around the stock like you're a drug. that's fun yeah that's fun

that and there's racks of clothing and there's things like that and I think that if they find you but you scare them yes like that you know like or if they're really close to you and you're able to like

grab their ankle or something like that yeah you know I think you win you get a good scream out of them yeah yeah good scream it's all about the screaming you know what if we really want to get this up we should set it in a department store that's having a big sale oh great it's like you know it's Brian

Cranston. He's trying to find Selena Gomez and and and Marcia Hines. And Marcia Hines in Meyer and it's stock take. Right.

He's going around. And to see all the bargains that are on. It's live. Oh, he's looking in amongst the pants for 10 pairs of pants for $30. No sign of Marsha there. And Myers. 10 pairs of pads for $30. It's.

It's like having the shutting down. How many? Ten pairs of pants for $30. That's right. I think that's what I said. Oh, and Marsha's wearing 10 pairs right now. She's running out of the store. Yeah, she's running.

She's absolutely going for the bargains and she's stealing it. It's not cheap enough for Marcia. I think this is a really good show. I think it's a great show, I know. On Phillip Island once, we had this thing where a long time ago, Oprah announced she was like finishing up her show and she announced that she was coming to Australia and she was going to bring her audience with her

and uh... it's insulting do you think like what we don't have good audiences down here I mean the whole point she's coming here she's not even bring it off it can't even get to see the show you know how she used to give out gifts yeah I know the standing audience wasn't good enough but I'm just going to write guy who's really pissed off

Andy just write down Andy Andy has his genuine feelings that Oprah brought her own audience to Australia. I presume she booked a venue that could not only fit her audience but could also fit well I think so. I guess I'm just maybe I'm just like prejudiced. I don't want audiences coming over here. Take another audience.

Taking our seats. Taking our seats. But yeah so Oprah came here and Phillip Island she was meant to go to Phillip Island but she never went. She was just too busy and I've always wanted to make a documentary called The Day that Oprah Never Came. Yeah. And it could just be people on the one highway in chairs with signs for Oprah.

Yeah, the day that Oprah never came, I think would be a fun. It's sketch, but it's like a documentary on the day that she never came. Nothing really happens. You could also make a documentary about you trying to get Oprah to Philip Ireland. Oh, great. I'm calling.

You're calling. This is going to be a great scene. The calling scene. The famous call. Do you remember when she... My date with three? When he called, eh? But I mean, so you interview people who were waiting for her,

waiting for her, somebody who had maybe... Oh my God, this is not a good... Somebody who had like the controversy, somebody had done sort of blackface, wanting to welcome her and things like that. Yes, because it was. 10 years ago and in Australia. Yeah, and in Australia, and then we're like, well, I was doing it was an act of kindness

and, you know, things like that. I wanted to show, I wanted to be like her. But then she, and her life was ruined and she didn't even get to meet Oprah and, uh, you know. Still want to. Because there was a documentary call. And then she tries calling Oprah and that doesn't work. That's another second calling scene because the first one was. Is it sort of like get skates where they go and try and you try and capture Oprah and bring

it back? Oh, great. Make good on the deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You owe us this. Yeah. Maybe the whole community of Phillip Island. We don't realize this, but they've been stewing on this the whole time, becoming radicalised.

They talk about it every day. The community becomes together and they're all on the same page. It's become super toxic. Yes. And they, yeah, they really are obsessed. Yeah, with Oprah coming to them, finally. Just for a day. a community, this is another community

coming together. But they want they're saying they want one of those Japanese toilet seats in the public toilet in the park. Yeah. In the sort of the War Memorial Park. As a community they're like protesting.

Impeaching it for years. It's not happening. There's a corrupt mayor. Yeah, they said, oh yeah. And then they said you said you were going to do it. And then the 300 bucks that was going to go towards that toilet seat. He bought a neckerchief. And yeah, we saw you.

We've got photos of you at the local place getting oysters killed Patrick. Kill Patrick. One of the most violently named the oyster food meals. It's right, yeah. It's one of the most violent last name. And you're having a surf and turf. Yeah, you're having a surf and a turf. In this economy?

Yeah. Just sit there. I had a tech in Adelaide who told me that he was going on a date recently. and he got really sick on the date because he had too much surf and turf before the date. He threw out play. This is a real thing. Now what is surf and turf?

Is that potato fish and chips? No, no, no. It's like seafood and steak or whatever. It's like seafood and steak, really? So the turf is the cow. The cow. So I would have assumed it would be the potatoes. Surf and turf sometimes called a reef and beef

is a main course combining seafood and red meat. Never called a reef and beef. Never called a reef and beef. This, Girt and Dirt. Gert and dirt. Gert and dirt. What's Girt and dirt? Well, it could be yogurt.

Okay. And then some dirt, I guess. It's just organic. It's just organic stuff. Why is, oh, Gert, like Girt, like G-G-U-R-T or whatever year? You're thinking Girt like G-I-R-T. Yeah, G-I-R-T. The yogurt just surrounds it.

Yeah. Oh, Girt by, Girt by, G-G-B-G-B-G-G-G-G-E. Y-G-G-G-G-E. I'm good-B-B-G-G-E. Okay, great. So that's just lobster around yogh. It's a surf and turf. Yeah, the idea of throwing up on a date

just going to eat way too much. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, but he's really filled up before this date. Or the date. I think he might have eaten two surf and turfs, which is way too much surf and turf or beef and whatever.

Before the date. Like, you've got to go to a date on a full belly. I'm preloading for this date. I'm pre-gaming. I can have a few nice drinks. Yeah. I want to be, I want to make sure I'm lethargic enough for this day. A guy who doesn't have any confidence, he thinks he's too energetic.

You know, like, about how like you, sometimes if you take off your glasses, you're too animated. You're worried that you're... My eyes look too small. Your eyes look too small. So you open up your eyes like that. Yeah. Yeah, and then I look weird in all the photos.

A guy who's really self-conscious that he's too energetic for people on dates. Maybe he got one comment that's like, man, you're too full-on like that when he was in high school. You're too full-on, mate. Like that. Maybe it's a guy. who a lot of people have told him that he's way more fun when he's full. That's right.

You're way more fun when you're full. You know, when you've got a full belly. When you've eaten a lot, you're so much more fun to hang out with. He needs to eat a lot. He's having to lie down. That's fun. You're way more fun when you're full.

I think we should fill up. You're way more fun when you're full. That's a good, that's pre-feast. It's just like one time he's just like he went to a buffet with friends. and then afterwards he's like just lounging and they loved it and like people are like you're so fun when you're full do it again oh oh my god that's going to be uh tim robinson in a sketch yeah i'm so full he would do that he's upset about being really good at that he's on his day

he was like oh i just i smashed two surf and turfs i was feeling a bit nervous so i had two surf and Absolutely slammed them. Oh, you got your next guest. She's rocking up quietly. Oh, yeah. It looks good, too. Oh, my God. It looks very good.

Good looking guest. That's going to be great. Two good looking guests and a gigantic dog. And a huge dog. And the dog's so happy to see this guest. The dog might be a weekly planet listener. He's a big weekly planet fan. I thank you for having me, guys.

Oh, mate. Thank you for coming on. What a goddamn pleasure. I'm going to go and move house. Oh, my gosh. Today. Today. With the man with a sedan.

With the man with a sedan. With a tan. I can't believe you came here on a day you had to move house. You know what? Dedication. I really put the pretty hard word on him. You did. We needed you.

If you fuck me on this, that's what you said. If you fuck me on this. I'd love that. And he looked a bit. You looked stern at me. He did that. Real wide. I didn't like it.

He gave you the white eye. He gave me the white eye. You know, a lot of white. There was a lot of white. Yeah. Hey, thank you for having me, boys. We can see the white of his eyes. You know, they said, but he's actually just got really tiny,

little fucking irises. That's fun. Sorry. But we've got too much white in his eyes. Yeah, he's got too much white in his eyes. I don't like it.

I don't like it. I don't trust him. Hey, thanks having me. My boys did come back from school the other day talking about white eyeing. Have you heard this? It is you try really hard to look up high and then you close your eyelids

so it's all white eyes. Anyway, I did it for them. They were really impressed. Yes? That's what we do. Thank you, my boy. Thank you for having me. Thanks for allowing me.

my horse. Oh, no, no worries. Did you ever ride him? I do ride him. Yeah? You should saddle him up, Matt. He did a great job. Hey. Please welcome.

Please welcome our next guest, Mr. Mr. Oh, wait, he's wrestling a dog. Oh, the dog's attacking him. He's been torn apart and killed. Please welcome Mr. Nick Mason. Yes. Oh, my goodness, Nick Mason.

What have you got there? I've got a monster energy juice. Really? A juice. A juice. So it's like, it's with fruit and stuff in it? It's got fruit and stuff in it? It's got fruit. I mean, you know, it's got fruit adjacent things.

What kind of... It's just occurred to me because I got this at the train station the way here. I thought it, in retrospect, I should have got three and then sort of bundled them over here. And he's already pissed too many times. You guys want to, you guys want a toot on this? No, no, but can we hear it crack? Yeah, I'll doot. I mean, I'll have a sip.

Wow. I'm sorry to say this, but I think that people who drink, those things in the morning go on I worry about them yeah absolutely right I'm like oh this feels like too early in the day to be making bad decisions like that almost any time of the day is too early for one of these I think yeah and then at a certain point

is a part of your routine is this is a big part of your like this is a special occasion thing right because you're also like you are such a working man yeah like you know and I love that about you so much respect do you respect it I do respect it thank you So do you drink these and smash like sausage rolls a lot? No, that feels like a very, a very viscous combination in the mouth. How would you feel about making one that is a mixture of both?

It's like a sausage roll and a mother. Oh, it's got a juice and a center. Like a smoothie, right? Like a, like a, like a working man smoothie. Okay. I mean, I like that idea, but I would prefer like my instinct would be it's a sausage roll. but it's got like a capsule centre with an energy juice. Oh, with an energy juice that oozes out.

It oozes out. Do you crack it like a glow stick? You can. You can in your mouth. And do you let it like drink? Oh, like that beforehand? But then I guess then you have the mouth. I mean, it's a dealers choice, isn't it?

A sausage roll with a liquid center. I think we can already write that down. I mean, they have that technology to make those little starburst lollies or whatever with a liquid. You know what one of the problems is, is that when you eat a meat pie, you're often meat, eating it, and then the meat is spilling over under your hand. And you don't get to have that experience when you're a sausage roll lover. That's true, isn't it? The problem is, too solid.

Yeah, exactly. And so make a sausage roll that does... You're looking enviously at the meat pie eaters around you, laughing as shards of meat splatter all over their face and hands. Not anymore. You know, no more. We got this. Also, congratulations. I am very impressed that you've managed to keep with a pace.

the sketch pace. I mean, look. You don't have time for congratulate. I was going to say, there's no time for placentries. You can congratulate me when I'm dead. It's one sketch every two and a half minutes. We've got to do this.

Yeah, yeah. We just got to work to do it. So, I mean, like, if we can't be at the pace right at the beginning, then we are really fun. It doesn't bode well. It's true. I think somebody had done some stats. And then last time we were doing some hours where it was like seven in an hour.

And they were like, oh, this is when this is when you, yeah, that last hundred took like seven hours or something like that. Would you say you have good years? and bad years. I feel like there was one year where you were like, it's knocking them out. Yeah, I think that might have been last year until maybe hour, like 12 or something like that. Within sight of the post.

But, you know, the good year is actually the year in between when we don't have to do one. Of course, that's right. Yeah, yeah, we have a really good year. Yeah, we do have good years again. That sounds excellent actually. What about this? Like, you know, like, you know, you know, those wheels that on like, on like...

There's no time to elaborate. You know, you know, you know, when people are like driving, having a drag race, and then one has wheels that come out with little sharp things. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know about that, but for shoes? Okay, sure. Where did this come from? It doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah. The deep recesses are you afraid.

But like for the foot race. Yes. It's also like your run. Knives on the side of the shoes, they open it like that. It'd be a great gag for like a naked gun. Oh. A naked gun thing where... I was thinking we should write a naked gun.

Okay. We should write an Australian, like, has there been an Australian parody movie like that? No, it's a parody movie like that. No, no. It's a parody. It's a parody of a comedy. But it's worse. That is a good idea.

A parody of a comedy, but is it serious? Is it like we take a... I mean, I feel like that's kind of what they did with the Tom Cruise reboot of The Mummy, right? Yeah. Like, what if we did this, but it wasn't funny? It wasn't enjoyable. What about a naked gun style movie,

but it's set in a small town with some dark secrets? Because that I think is a classic Australian combo. This is a really good idea. Is it funny or is it sad? No, it's funny. It's played for laughs. We do an Australian movie. Maybe we even call it Australian movie.

Yes. I mean, BAS already made one called Australia. Just, bleh, like that. Like, it was like, it may have called, may as well have called it Tourism Australia. It's good. I think that's how it was released in certain markets. I mean, that's, wasn't it, it was mostly funded by tourism. I think it might have been, yeah.

But I think this is good. This is, this is, it's, it's set in suburbia and it's a quiet suburban town. A small, it's a suburban town? Yes, but it's rural. It's a rural, it's a rural, it's a rural suburb. Australia's only rural suburb. There it is. I mean, that's essentially the town you live in, Ballarat.

Shut up. Yeah, shut up. That's a new sketch, shut up. Yeah, is this, wait, but, so wait, is this an Australian parody of naked gun? Yeah. It's an Australian parody of naked gun. I don't know if it's still, I don't, I think we're confusing too many things. Okay.

You were writing stuff down. How many things should I confuse? Okay, so there's two ideas. One of them isn't, probably we shouldn't write down. But I think Nick's idea of a parody of an Australian movie set in a small town with dark secrets. Everybody's, everybody's got dark secrets, right? Everybody's going through a divorce or, you know, something unpleasant like that. There's lots of dead kids.

I was going to say dead kids. Lots of dead kids. I mean, I think everybody accidentally killed their kid. Or someone else's. Or someone else's. And they've just, yeah. Both. There's a big reveal at the end where everyone, there's just a round robin.

Everybody admits they killed each other's kids. And then you're like, and actually I had killed your child before you killed it, but you didn't realize he was dead and then you killed him again. And there's a freeze frame. Everybody's laughing at the end. Great. Like in all Australian movies. Yeah, yeah. So, and then lots of dead kids.

Thank you, that's good. Sorry, I just wanted to get that in there. I never apologize. I don't know. I constantly do. I always do. Do you ever really not never apologize? It feels like a crazy way to live your life. Could you do a movie where it's like two,

and I'm sorry there's so many movie ideas. It feels condescending to get you on and then talk about movie ideas. No, no, no. Here's the thing he likes. Yeah. Here's the thing. Here's another one. That's my only, my only skill set is knowing enough about movies to be annoying.

Not a lot about movies. Not an expert, but. What about this? It's, uh, no. Like people who, who know lots about movies are. I've actually forgotten what I was going to say.

It's been so long apologising. It was a movie idea. Yes. About never apologising? No. Maybe apologising all the time. No, that's not it either. We'll just have to move on.

No, this is the idea. The movie, the movie is only two or three minutes long. Okay. You introduce the characters. or whatever, and then you spend all of the rest of the movie is just like black and white photos of the characters and then a little story about what they went on to do. So all the movie takes place in that.

And maybe you have characters then popping back up again within that. Like so, Gerald went on to start his own motorcycle repair business. And then, like, Stephanie got married and had four kids. Then Gerald showed up and like this and this. And then this and then he goes on a whole movie is a bit at the end. where they wrap up the story but you're wrapping up the story and then there's a whole story and the wrap up of the story and then at the end you see you see it's the reverse you know you see a little bit of the movie there's a bit more movie there's always a bit more movie a little bit more

movie and then same hell jackson shows up and uh he's like oh everywhere's in the avengers yeah yeah how do we feel about post credit sequences these days where are we at in the post credit sequence cycle. I mean, certainly in the superhero world, you definitely see people leaving before they've had, like people in the audience leaving now because people like that. Did they invent that? Did Marvel invent the post-credit sequence?

I mean, the earliest one I remember is Masters of the Universe from the 80s. Really? A he-man? Oh yeah, yeah. He's like, I'll be back. He never came back. Did so, is that what happened in the post-credit sequence? He jumped up and he said, I'll be back, yeah. There's been a Skeletor. ever been a skinnator? It's a guy he's just skin. Just skin. Like essentially he's just kind of

inflated skin. We don't need any more. Just write that down. Does he writhe around on the ground or does he flot? Is he able to stay upright? I think he's kind of filled with helium a little bit and he's got some weights. Whatever wind catches him, that's that sustains him for the day really as far as he can get. And he just sort of, he's like, oh, I'm mobile now and he just sort of flops through the day until he collapses. And then he's like, can anybody give me a puff? Anybody puff me up You know And puff him up

Don't puff him up He's a villain He's an evil villain Don't puff him up And he's like Ha ha ha ha You puffed me up You made the mistake

Of puffing me up Yeah he's friends with a lot of clowns And stuff like that Or he always kind of tries to drift Towards clown conventions Those guys love to puff stuff up They can't help themselves Those fools

Look at this And he goes and like He goes and lays down Next to a bunch of balloons Uninflated balloons They're like oh what's this one we're remaking the Harry Potter movies again okay of course but the only difference here is that Voldemort he's not dead

he's just he lost all his insides and he's just skin now and he's trying to get people to puff him up so that he can once again bounce slowly across the surface of the earth freaking his terrible vengeance and he's hoping that every book he gets a little bit more puffed up that's right and he's hoping that one day he can trick someone into like balloon animaling him into a horse so he can win the Melbourne Cup. That's actually, has there been a superhero who is a balloon animal? Almost certainly.

Like a tube. It's just a tube. Okay. And then he can transform into all sorts of different things by getting like a balloon animal. So he can turn into a dog. We can't rule it out. I mean, plastic man, he's certainly, he's got that vibe. Yeah, sure.

I think Skinator is. But I think this is a different guy. I think this is the... He's just a balloon animal and he works with a ballooner... There'll already be one called this, but the balloonatic? No, or maybe.

The way of knowing, is there? Well, I mean, there is a way of knowing. I'm asked Nick Mace! We can't look at our phones because people will think we're stealing ideas of the internet, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, yeah, yeah. I said that he works with a balloon artist,

but no, he has to be able to move that way. I think he does it himself. Or else then how can he actually move? It doesn't help just be. being the shape of a dog like that. He has to be able to turn into a dog

and then have the powers of a balloon animal dog. The powers of a dog. Yeah. The power of the dog? Is that... That's a movie. That's a sort of

quite a brooding, tragic movie. You'll think of the power of one. Of one dog. Write it down. The power of one dog. Okay. What was the power of one about? It doesn't matter.

It's not important. But we just got to give it a little context and then we've got it. The power of one was about South Africa and, So this is about, what, like a South African dog? South African dog. Okay, this is good.

Like a hyena or something like that. What about it's... It's like bark, bark. Yeah. That's the accent. It's difficult with it when it's only one word and it's a sound. He's South African. Back, back, back, back.

And then he's... Bok, balk. That's good. Oh, that's what it is. It's balk, balk, balk. Yeah. Good, sorry, I just said it again. Bork, bach, bach, bach.

It's fun to see. Yeah, balk, balk, and then he moves to Western Australia. Yeah, they all did That would be a good YouTube video Would be This is what dogs sound like With different accents

That would get a lot of Yeah, not YouTube sorry That would have been like a vine or something Yeah, TikTok It'll be a TikTok It'll be a TikTok Very up to date I'm gonna write down YouTube TikTok

It's a YouTube TikTok It's a YouTube TikTok I don't should bring back vine Dogs with Did you think Somebody did Somebody did one of us Can we did

One of us It's a group of us It's a group of people who have all, at various times in their lives, bought the video sharing service Vine. Oh, yes. They've laid out millions of dollars to buy this defunct platform, been unable to get any interest in it again. That's right.

And when a new person buys Vine, in a darkened room, they all gather around and shout one of us. Are they tricking the person into purchasing vines? I think they are. Yeah, it's a curse. Yeah, it's a real misery loves company kind of situation. It's a bit of an it follows, maybe. Yes, okay. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a platform that some people remember fondly.

That's right. But that is just frankly, unviable. Yeah. And what happens is, is the ecosystem. They get tricked into it. And the previous owner has to kind of desperately stop them from thinking about TikTok. Because if that person thinks about TikTok, they'll be like, oh, yeah, TikTok exists. I'm not going to buy this.

So you have to keep distracting them. Yeah. And if somebody does say it. It's a really hard thing to do to stop. somebody from thinking about TikTok. Don't think about TikTok. Well, now that's all I can think about it. Dang it.

I know. But then as soon as somebody does say TikTok, you go, oh, you start referring to the clock or you start thinking about other. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Biscuit, yes. Tick, talk, tick, no things like that. You try to keep changing the subjects

so that you can get them to buy it. And then you remember that actually Vine wasn't that good of a platform. I didn't really look at it that much when it was, I only liked the compilations, but that's because those were long. No, the short thing, it's actually too short to be kind of. But then the Y transfer has gone through

and you've spent $10 billion on fine, and you're like, damn it. Yeah, and I think really all platforms like this, all digital platforms, it really is like you've got to get in, enjoy it before the CEO goes insane from the power of becoming a tech billionaire, you know, and so you kind of just really got to enjoy it. I don't know if there's a sketch in it. Just trying to enjoy a tech billionaire before he loses his mind or while there's still a little bit of mind. I mean, maybe like a workplace sketch where there's people working at the tech firm

and they've just come from working at one they've come from working at one tech firm that went all toxic and the founder's lost their mind and they're at this new place and they're like you know I reckon we got a good couple of years yeah yeah yeah yeah he really loses but then they show up in like the founder shows up

in like real real kind of loose fit kind of like like an Indian kind of yeah yeah yeah yeah like loose like yoga pants yeah yeah yeah yeah and they've got a jr had they've been on a juice cleanse or whatever and they're like oh He's like, oh, getting that funding's really energized to me. I'm feeling good.

He goes, oh, gee, we might not have that long here. You're on a juice cleanse right now. You better believe it. Actually, I think that you might be on a juice filthy. Oh, my goodness. A juice in filthia late. You want a little? Do you want to pour it in the water?

I mean, do you think that we could get an up-and-go going? You might have already written this down, Alistair, but an up-and-go that is the up-and-go is the one of those. a mother and a meat pie or a sausage roll or a chico roll blend it up in a little carton like that. The trade is up and go. Yeah, but we need to have a name that's like up and go. But it'd have to be like more intense sound. Yeah, like really.

Something that indicates compacted down as opposed to up and go. Like down and smushed. You have a down and smushed. You go to the supermarket. grab a few down and smushed. Whoa, wait, what is this? I was completely in the thing. A down and smush is like a dry, it's like you take a wet meal that's normally wet,

but then you dry it up and smush it? No, no, no. You know an up and go, which is the little carton of milk and wheatrient. Yeah, like liquid breakfast. It means it's an awful texture. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's too thick. Like, up and go, does that refer to the content, what your contents of your stomach want to do when you experience the texture?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are not getting an up and go sponsorship out of this. What is the down and smush, though? Well, that was my attempt to bring back up the idea of blending together a sausage roll and a mother. Yeah, okay, we're going to just write down the... Or really anything, like roast dinner, you know, but in a sipy, a little sippy, you know? Yeah, yeah, for, you know, a Christmas on the go. You know, just a little...

Is that too sad? No, no, no, no, I think a little... It's Christmas, it's Christmas in a box. Yep. A little Christmas that you can smash a little Christmas. Smash a little Christmas in the morning. You don't have a lot of time. I don't think that's really good.

Every day's bloody Christmas for me. That's right. A little, it's a whole Christmas in a little carton. What is it? Christmas in a carton. Yeah. Christmas dinner. Christmas lunch, blend it up?

Yes. And you can chug it and we sell it every day of the year. It's like eggnog. Because you know, eggnog's such a treat to get to have it. Like at a different time of year or whatever. Not that I don't think I've ever had it. But it's such a treat. What a treat it is.

What a treat it is. You know, they say, oh, the hot cross buns are earlier every year or whatever. But this, it's Christmas lunch in a little carton. You drink it. I mean, you slurp it because it is somewhat solid. It's like, yeah, oh my God. And it's layered. It's like Big Em Christmas lunch.

Yes. Oh, really good idea. This is called Big M Christmas lunch. Big M is making it specifically. So it's that classic Big M carton. Then it's Christmas lunch. And it's got a little, the M's got a little, the M's got. a little Christmas hat on it.

A little, got some little holly leaves there. Yeah. And you get a little hat with it and you get a little Christmas joke with it. Oh, you know? The joke's at the bottom, though. Yeah, the joke is. You have to drink at all. And then at the bottom, you sort of peel out the little joke.

Yeah, you got to dry the joke on your shirt and get a little. Here's a good little, a good little joke that we could do. Oh, yes. We should all try to do this year. Christmas is coming up. And we're all dads here, right? Let's go in the premise, go. Okay, right, yeah.

But, on average, we're all dads. I am a dad that I know of. Ha ha, yes. Really good. The, but boxing day. We're going to make that a thing.

Day after Christmas, boxing day, you come out, you're in the living room or whatever. You say, bloody Christmas decorations are up earlier every year, aren't they? Because they're still up from the day before, but you're pretending they're up already and it's boxing day. This is a good. And then maybe you go out and your drive down the street, right? And they've still got the things up in the street and the main street.

You say, look, there's the bloody Christmas decorations in the upper earlier every year. And then you can go past the shop and they're like, hey, in the shops already, are they? It's a guy who gets the laugh. Yeah. He gets a laugh in the, in the, in the, sort of unboxing day in the house. And then he goes, I got to go for a drive. And then he goes around town, just trying to make it while people are like. Chasing that high, trying to get that.

from everybody. I had a thought here. How about this is a sketch. You know how there's people and they always go, you know, it's December 31st, 1159 and they go, I'll see you next year. And they leave and then they come back up and they go, oh, look at this. A guy who says see you next year, January 1st, 1201. And then he's just like, and people like, what?

And he's like, oh, no, but he can't back out of it. So he just walks away. And he leaves civilization. Walk into the bush. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, comes back out again, he just misses it. Oh, yes, leave again. Because he's lost track of time.

His circadian rhythms are off. Yeah, although, no, like, I guess if he misses it, he was right the next time when he comes back the next year. But like, or does he come back too early this time? He comes back and it's December the 31st, right? Yeah, and he goes, here I am, but he's too early. It's still the same year. And then he's like, oh, see you next year.

But by then it's too late. And it's too late. It's already, oh, God. So it's like, somebody's saying, somebody talking about their trauma as a child, and they're like, my dad wasn't around much when I was growing up. Oh, I'm so sorry. Why?

Well, he tried to do the, see you next year joke, but he missed the thing. So he went away into the bush. We basically only see him for about two or three minutes every New Year's Eve. He could never get it right. But he was unable to admit that he'd got the joke wrong. We sent search and rescue out every year with a cat. calendar and a clock and we're like, listen.

And we would go over the top, in a helicopter with a megaphone saying, it's okay, Dad. We thought it was funny anyway, but he was too proud. He wouldn't come out of the bush. He's living in there, and he's just found ways of just like surviving off of pine trees. It's the worst tree to survive off. He's eating that ooze that they let out. Oh, the resin?

I've tried eating that resin. How many different resins are you guys tried to eat? I've tried eating a lot of sap. Really? You guys go, you go, you guys fuck with a little bit of a bit. I will, because I've eaten it. That doesn't mean it's not poisonous. It could have just,

it could be one of those like poisons like arsenic that builds up in your body over time and then the more sap you eat. Probably not different saps though. I reckon you've got at least five goes at each sap. Yeah, that's right. I've had maple syrup. So that's one sap.

Yeah, I mean, you're a fine one to talk. You come from one of the biggest sap drinking. Sap drinking Nisians, yeah, yeah They try to spread it across the world Guy who's bigoted but for people who drink sap Yep

Too niche? No, no, no. Okay, all right? It's not too niche, not on the 500th Homo sapiens Oh Oh, because he's misunderstood That's the phrasing, yeah

Have we discussed the fact that that's probably why you think about eating wood all the times because you come from a country that drinks trees. Yeah, so I'm just like, maybe we could get more out of them. It feels like a waste. It's crazy that we don't. We eat every part of the maple tree,

not just the sap. We never use a trees leaves in salad, do we? Trees leaves. Trees leaves are never used in salad. Trees leaves. Never used in salad. Oh, we've got so many directions. I don't know. I mean, there must be one.

It must be one. Like the bay leaf. Yeah, but we don't even eat it. We don't eat it in a salad. You take it out and you throw it away. Yeah, classically a leaf we don't eat. You know what? If it's something you take out and you throw away at the end, you could put a bay leaf in anything. You could put it in your car when you go for a drive. By leaf in there. Okay, new startup idea.

Bay leaf for everything. They're on the bay leaf. Do they ever put like, you know, you got you get that. like mint water you get cucumber water you never get bay leaf water but the app is called but BL BLF is belief and people are it's yeah exactly and they give it to bailiffs yeah and it's a oh nobody's marketing a drink just for bailiffs and it's a subscription service and you get bayleafs for everything yes because those guys if they give them the bailiffs and they're always drinking it in front of the crowd at the courtroom oh getting seen by I mean that's an influencer right

that's right but it would be great if the bailiff was sponsored you know like oh and call the Metricon Holmes bailiff to come and take him away you know it's I don't think

that's a corruption that's not going to be a corruption of the of the court system no he's just calling people up he's not he's not exactly he has no like he has no power that sort of thing I think we should televise more court cases and I think we should allow branding of like, you know, different things.

And, you know, so like, oh, take the stand. But it'd be like, well, what's a company that would love to have their... Take the opta stand? The opta stand, exactly. I mean, they've spent enough time in court recently, though, bloody guys. They probably already do have their name on it, you know? Yes. That was good.

Wait, what is the take the stand thing? Sorry, I was reading the stand. Brand the stand. You could have your brand on the stand, you know? And so it'd be like the, um... Hey, have your brand be the last thing. Mount Franklin... That murderers see right before they'll be thinking about it for 25 years.

For the rest of their life. I think you pay more. They're about to be executed. You pay, you know what? What the rates would be based on whether they're going to be executed or put in prison. Because if it's like, you know, we know they're going to get out of prison for 20 years, you pay and then they're going to be executed. they're like, oh, they're thinking about Mount Franklin Water when they come out and then

they're going to buy a big case of Mount Franklin Water. It's really good. So like maybe there's branding, like there's adds up all around the inside of the cell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hard sell. We're putting the hard sell on them. And, and it's, you know. You know, but also I think they have those. I think if somebody was going to be executed though, more people are tuning in for that. If we're televising these. I think people would, brands would pay more the guy who's about to be executed. People are in a more emotional state as well.

And so they're more susceptible to like remembering things because they're kind of like, you know, you see your, you know, cousin or whatever, you know, get sent to life in jail. Like that. Out of the corner of your eye, you see some like microbreweries logo, you know, called like, you know, Bitches brew or whatever like that

And then you're like Man after that you go That was the saddest thing I feel like a bitch's brew Or like a bay leaf drink That the bailiff was drinking This is a whole little universe we're building I think

I mean I love People are being executed We're being more creative We're finding places to put ads Where ads don't already exist And that is why humanity exists And I think all the people in that that small town who accidentally killed all their kids, everybody else's kids, they're probably

going to be executed later. So, tied all together, you know? Yeah. Tired all together in a little sequence after the credits of the movie. There it is. Oh, that's right. And Skinnator is there. He's like, I'll be back and they're like, you weren't in this earlier. Why have you introduced back? Why have you introduced, the first time we've seen you? Why have you introduced Skinnator so late in the game here? Oh no, I flew by earlier But I couldn't stop Because the wind was too heavy

And I was just up too high Yeah And then you rewind it I hit an updraft And then Yeah you see him In the background of a lot of things Where he's watching

And Maybe he used to do it When he had bones I did it when I had bones Was just a regular man When I had bones Um It's a low security prison

Or medium security prison Oh yeah, the soft prison. Yeah, but the materials that the prison is made of are just more breakable. That's good. You know, so you can break out. Still illegal to break out. Yeah. Still got bars, but the bars are not as strong.

And you hire contractors who keep rebuilt. Like this is a job creation situation. So you get the contract and they keep rebuilding while the prisoners are breaking through it. Yeah, yeah. And it's like a. But then they're getting, it's like they're proving that they're not getting. rehabilitated so then they get longer sentences and go to a higher security thing

oh you can break through if you want but it's illegal like that and then you yeah anyway this is my great new system for keeping prisoners in for longer giving them the option of breaking the what is the ultimate test of whether or not they've been rehabilitated

if you were truly rehabilitated you wouldn't want to get out of this prison that's right that's what it is right You'd be happy in here. You wouldn't try. Yeah. Maybe. When you stop trying to escape, that's the when you get released.

That's right. Then we give you the big sledgehammer. I feel like I'd do that with my kids. Like, when you stop asking, you can have it. Yeah. Stop pestering me and then you'll get it. What you have to do, stop talking for 30 seconds. And then I'll let you drive the car.

It's fine. You'll have anything. That is the problem with. parenting is that you don't want to give into pestering, but even by not giving into pestering, you're still letting pestering define the sort of the parameters. It's still the pestering is still the tool, whether or not you're giving them something

because they're pestering or because they're not pestering. You know what? It'd be nice. I think pester would be a beautiful name for a boy. Pester. Uncle Pester. Uncle Pester. You know, like Pester Matthews? Yeah.

Pester. Is this weird like life coaching for kids to bother their parents for stuff? It's really good. I mean, it makes a lot of sense because ultimately for kids, that is how they get stuff. You know, they've got to be able to influence their parents one way or another. And that is the defining feature of their world. That is, we are basically the economy. me.

Yeah, we're the whole thing. They're essentially having to mine things out of us. Yes. Using pestering. And then craft those things. I forget that. But yeah, maybe it's like a kind of coach like that who uses Minecraft videos. And then he kind of like, because you're never listening entirely to what they're watching.

And then they're like, hey, I can teach you how to get more stuff out of your parents. And you look over, Andy. and there's on the screen there's like a blocky version it looks exactly like a blocky man looks exactly like you yes he's like no I will not no and then you know you practice your moves on him but I do like it also as like a big you know a bigger kind of thing like as a as a conference or that kind of thing like oh where kids go to yeah and you know and kids who are like I like the most successful kid entrepreneurs are those who have like pested like 10 million dollars out of my parents that's right yes if you're not pest you're not pest you're not

$10 million out of your parents every single year by the age of eight, what are you doing? Exactly. And it's being, the reason why the parents have sent it there, it's like a good values kind of thing that they're, you know, they're putting the kids into this course. Oh, I've heard this course is great. Produces really rich kids.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And the kids get, you know, and so you drop off your kids, they go in there and then they teach you how to get more money out of your parents like that. And then there's like, yeah, kids who come up and they go, and they're wearing a suit and we've got a briefcase. It's essentially an older kid version of boss baby, right that.

And then he's talking about how good, you know, he's been able to pester. And, I mean, look, it's already written down. You don't have to sell us on it. You like boss baby? How about this? Baby boss. He's a boss. Write it down.

Rewide it down. This idea is going to be so good. Okay. So he doesn't. He doesn't act like a boss. No, no. And he's not a baby. but he, he's an adult man who acts like a baby.

You acts like a baby. And sometimes you get a thing that's like, can you go into Jonathan's office, please? He needs you. Yeah, you've got to go change his nappy. Yeah, you go change his nappy. You got to breastfeed him. Okay, maybe this is a cleaner idea.

You heard of undercover boss. What about this? Undercover Dad, right? And I know it's a bit like something we want to come up with earlier where the dad was pretending to be a dog. But now the dad's pretending to be one of the kids, right? He goes in with his kids, sort of embedded with the kids, and he's talking to them like he's another kid.

So what do you think of the parents around here? You know, that kind of stuff. You started earlier. You basically tell the kids, you know, your mother and I, we're going to have a new, they're going to be a new addition to the family. No, no, no, no, no. You go to the hospital. Oh, you pretend.

The mum pretends to get back to the dad. Yes, we start. And then it's that all day. Goo, Guga. Yeah, exactly. And then we sort of over the span of, because kids don't know how long time goes. No, no concept of time.

And so he starts as a baby. Yes. You start as a baby, one of you. And then you embed in the... In the bed. Yeah, and then you're like, What about these? And dad's going away on a business trip or something like that.

Yeah. And then it's like, or we're getting a divorce or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you've got a new baby, dad's getting out of here. And then, and then, and then dad's like, what do you think of our parents? What do you think of? Yeah.

Over the course of a couple of months, he learns to speak. The mom's losing her mind with the amount of responsibility she now has to keep up this story. And you are in doing everything. You change your nappy. That's right. But let's take of authenticity. Oh, like, Dad, you're just like holding your weird hairy-legged ass and just like lifting your balls. And you are not breaking character.

Because the show is paying you. That's true, yeah. You don't get the money. If you break character, you don't, you don't get the money. And there's like, there's like, cut to, you know, there's like, you know, those cut to, you know, interview in between and you're just there with a bonnet on and a dummy or whatever. And you're like, I think this is going very well. Yeah, yeah.

You're arguing with her after the kids are down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate this. I don't know he goes, they said if I break character in front of the kids, we don't get the money. Okay? Do you want the money? Yeah, do you want the money? I'm doing this because I want the money.

We could get a... Pagoda. We could get a pagoda? Also, could you cut the crusts off my sandwiches? I don't like crusts. I hate it. Hate it. That's why I threw everything on the ground.

That wasn't in character, by the way. Don't tell the producers. That was me genuinely doing that because I was best. Then we pull back one layer, and this is a separate sketch. This is later in the episode of this show. We pull back, and this has just been an elaborate ruse for the day. to get the crust cut off his sound and get his and get his nappy change and what have you he's hired everybody none of this is yeah there is no there is no show there is no show but he's

having a team edit it together and then then stream it's through the TV because he he he doesn't have a good like he and he hasn't learned how to communicate his wants to his wife that's right and this is and we'll do anything other than go to therapy including create a fake show they pretend to be an undercover bag I don't think this guy if it needs to go to therapy, I think he just needs to either cut his own crusts off or ask his wife to do that, or make his own fucking sandwich. But you know what? Yeah, before, yeah. I see where he's coming from. He has a good point. At some point earlier on where it's like a producer speaks to him and he goes, can you cut the crusts off of his sandwich

like that? And then later on when they're arguing and he's dressed, he's got the bonnet like and he's like, and please cut the cut the, I was really upset with that. So then it's in the, it's in the callback sketch. We like, we find out the whole thing. Keep bringing it up. Very good. I was having a good time Sorry about repeating everything No, no, no, we've got time for that Yeah, yeah

That's so much time What about a new type of flannel? Oh, where the lines go diagonal Maybe, it could be it Yeah, I mean, I don't know if you're trying to cut into the flannel Because it's so established It is, although none of us, wait, none of us are wearing flannel Right now

Currently, Andy's close Sort of a microflannel Or a new tactical microflannel Or a poplin It's like a business flannel Element of that There's like, yeah, a tartan, tartan kind of thing. How would you modernize this?

What is the relationship between tartan and flannel? I don't know. You know, they feel like they might have emerged. It might be parallel evolution. Tarton down below, flannel up top. Tartan at the front. Flannel at the back. I don't know.

Because, I mean, it would be insane to see a sort of like a Scottish, like a Scottish lumberjack. Who is wearing a tartaned Kilt with a flannel top? I don't know if that works, right? With that clash? I mean, I don't know. It's almost too close

but then also so far away. And is swinging an axe with no undies on? Is that tough as well? I think it is. Yeah? Yeah. It's sort of, it's not enough to sort of base a whole reality show off of.

I disagree. I mean, I think a reality show where people do really tough manual work, naked. You know, we've tried dating naked. Yes. Like, laboring naked. It's not all of life. Laboring naked.

Oh, what about this? Laboring under... Job interviews. Laboring under no clothes. Forget it. We will not forget it. Neither will the internet. The regular...

Okay, forget it. Under duress, but under undress? Or like, I don't know what you're trying to do, Alist. I don't know. What was Nick's name for the show? Laboring naked. Laving naked. But I think it would be really interesting to see what the human body does.

And I would quite like to see like slow motion video of somebody chopping wood, right? Naked. Yes. Right? And you see where all the ripples and the ripples and like, you know, what's it all? Where all the splinters are going? Super slow-mo. Yeah.

Where do the splinters go? Welding? Welding. Welding. Where do the splinters go? What? Sorry. What song was that?

Where did the children go? Oh, tell me where the splinters go. Oh, where the children play. Look, it doesn't really work. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Laboring naked. Laboring naked. Yeah, I feel like a lot of those nail guns should be used in cooking.

We're getting flavor into things. Oh, yes. Wow. Okay. How does that work? What about, like, you know, so I guess what's hard things you could shoot into other stuff? Oh, it's a stick of pasta? Okay, they're not, they're not, you're using a nail gun to propel an ingredient into.

I guess so, yeah. There should be an edible nail, right, that you can hammer through a burger or something like that and keep everything intact. Or like to make your burger more healthy, you sort of, you just sort of hammer some carrots into it, some carrot sticks that are like but it would be weird to have a sort of like firing

in there like this while you're kind of biting down like this and so then you're biting along the length of a carrot well but what's other things like you could

what's like I don't know a turkey shooting stuff into a turkey oh with a vaster okay what about I mean it would be good if you're gonna kill

animals anyway to eat them it would be good if the bullets were edible so that you didn't have to take them out you know maybe they could

be like you could shoot them with like little gum A little, one of those, uh, jillah mince. Loves of garlic, you know? Sure. Jilla mint. Nice minted turkey.

Yeah. I guess something where you like, you can shoot it into an animal and you don't have to bother like taking off the fur and like gutting it and all that kind of stuff. Like somehow this, do go do go do goes in there and it's like, it's that NADS stuff that makes your hair fall off. Sure. But it's edible. Yeah, it's edible nads.

It's called Nads? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. It was an Australian product, I'm pretty sure. We did great with that. It makes all the organs dissolve and kind of pour out of the anus like that. Nads does? We can't say that about NADS.

You're never going to get an ad sponsorship. No, no, no. It's a mixture of a chemical that does that. And then you can just machine gun animals. Okay. Right, this is going to be so good. And then they're like their teeth fall out as well. Bones dissolve.

I think the sketch here is a guy going to like some sort of, like a restaurant something and he's pitching this idea. Like, he's trying to sell the idea, but he doesn't know how it works. He's just like, what I'm thinking is you give me money and I will invent a gun. You shoot a turkey with it and it blasts all the feathers off and it causes their organs to melt and shoot out their animals. Shark Tank, but he's like, you said you wanted ideas.

This is an idea. You keep asking me questions like, how does it work? I don't know. I just got the idea. Just talk to your chemist? It's an idea. Oh, you want an actual thing. Shark tank.

Well, and say that. Shark tank, but it's just ideas guys. But the shark tank guys don't know. They don't know. It's a full season of just ideas guys. Yeah, but they're very confident. Shark Tank, this season, it's all lunatics. It's all, yeah, no, but Shark Tank ideas, guys, like that.

And they're like, like, you know, how much can, like, how much you're going to buy my idea for? Yeah. You know, and I mean, that's, I mean. I mean, you get in your car and you go, you go to work in the morning, takes you an hour. What if it didn't? Yeah, okay. Give me $10 million. What do you mean?

Well, what if it didn't? What if your office drives around and it picks up all the employees? And then that's long enough that by the time you finish your work day, you're back at your house. What if you did the work on the train? What if the train was just a big circle, right? And all the officers were on the train tracks and you get on and then you go around and then you're back home again at the end. Shark tank, but it requires a fundamental change of the infrastructure of the entire world. It's every single idea.

Shark Tank, speculative physics edition. Yes. Different reality engine. Right? Okay. This idea will only work if light has flavor. Okay. Now, if you accept that premise, you're going to love this idea.

It's a light sandwich. It's a slight sandwich place. It's a vape. You can smoke it from the other side of the room because it flashes light at you. It's a torch you can eat. We're going to save so much money. on materials, okay, because... Ever heard someone say,

I'll just have a light meal? Well, that gave me an idea. Now, this idea is, yeah, but all we've got to do is we got to just, you know, there's many dimensions. All we've got to do is go to a dimension where that exists. And then start, they probably haven't got

one of these places yet. Because they might not have food. They just eat, you know, they probably just... Eat light. Eat the sun. Yeah. Just put the tongue out of that.

that and so they didn't bother creating artificial lights then we can invent eating at night for them oh they're probably a midnight snack yeah they're gonna love that

um I am a dad that I know of I've just written that day yeah oh of course I mean I don't I mean and this is a guy finding out

that maybe his family is gone oh yeah or they never existed maybe maybe they never existed maybe they're a figment of his imagination Maybe, yeah. I mean, what would you, would you prefer, as an idea, is it something where you can go along and you can be given a drug

that makes you forget you have kids for 12 hours? Okay. Right? So it's like a holiday, you know. Total recall, but not a dad anymore. Total lack of recall. Nice. Or would you prefer something where somebody who doesn't have children can take a pill

that makes them think that they do? What about somebody who doesn't have children? Give them a pill that makes them think that they have your children. That's a really good idea. So they'll look after them. They'll really look after them, but they'll look after them in a way

like they're the dad and they really care. Yeah, it's a kind of a coo-kind of thing, where like you go and you drop your kids off at somebody's house and then you just... You slip them a Mickey. You shoot them with a gun. Shoot a little dart into their neck and it has a bit of your, like, I don't know,

know your DNA or something in it along with some other chemicals that makes them think that we don't know we're the ideas guys it doesn't matter look after them yeah it's a really good system just got to shoot a guy with a dart I mean I think that you could show up at the door oh but then like imagine you accidentally poisoned two people at the same time they both think that they're their kids and they're fighting over your children like there's a thing where like even somebody is is like convinced that their kids have been kidnapped and they're trying to get their kids back. It turns out

they're not their kids. I mean this would be a really, quite an interesting movie. There's a, there's an explosion at the factory that makes the DNA darts. Then everybody in the factory thinks that they're the dad of the same kids. Well, they were making the batch for your kids. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. But also, one guy got hit with a 10 million times dose of the dad drug. I think I was like a million dads of your kid. I'm so stressed. I've got to look up to 10 million identical sets of my own kids. How can I afford this?

I don't even know where they are. I've lost 9 million 9909,000 of my kids. I've got to find them. And then he gets on the phone. He's like, give me back my son. My son's. My million sons. Yeah, that's fun.

And I mean, even just picking up your kids, you know, and the drug hasn't worn off yet, he will, that person will think that somebody's trying to kidnap their kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unless you're like, can I babysit them? Oh, yeah. And then eventually he'll sleep it off. Or you've got to, like, get him to sleep,

and then once he wakes up, then he doesn't think they're his kids anymore. Would you accept a daycare center where, that, where you, I guess they kidnap the kids in the mom? morning and you kidnap them back in the evening? Would I accept it? Yeah. I mean, is that anything?

I mean, it's quite upsetting. Yeah. Do you guys feel like if you, when you leave your kids with a daycare or you leave your kids with a babysitter or something like that? Do you kind of feel bad? Like, oh, you know, I wish I could spend more time with my kids. That's true. There's a bit of guilt there. What about a taken style system where you hire somebody.

uh to kidnap your children and then you have the day off yeah and you're like yeah yeah ill um yeah and you also they they kidnap your kids and then you have like they're crying anyway you when you drop them off exactly that's right they might as well there's why may as well not have to feel like it may as well be a home invasion yeah and then there's another the guy comes in he's like the police investigator and he's like well we can't i mean you know we we can't start an investigation for 48 hours yeah yeah you know that's just just the rules and you know you know like, boy, if only there was something I can do, you know. I mean, that's such a great thing.

Your kid has just been kidnapped. The police is like, we can't do anything for 48 hours. They're not even technically missing until a lot of these kidnappers, they bring their kids back within that amount of time. It's not in our interest. They've had to change the lob to make this whole industry survive, that which has been terrible for kids that have actually gone missing. But it's good for exhaust.

A lot of the people who kidnap kids, otherwise, have probably just gone to work for these kidnapping. That's true, yeah. Yeah, I guess if you're like, why do it for free when I can do this for free? Why am I doing this for free when I could make $20 an hour? These companies are probably like really looking for employees. You know, there's a lot of demand for this service. So they may as well hire actual child kidnapses.

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, everybody, this is a win-win for everybody, I think. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's great. The idea of there being a kidnapper, sort of like a career path, and that you're like, oh, man, it's great to finally have something to do with this skill. And that you kind of really lose the passion of it. You're so suddenly you're like, oh, it used to just be something that I liked doing. And now it's kind of, my life sort of depends on it. Do you also want to, like, if you pay a little bit extra, maybe you get to like do a Liam Neeson style, get your kids back, like a bit of it, or is that too much work? a parent. Yeah, I mean, I think that is definitely. I mean, will you pay extra?

Maybe you don't pay extra, but you have to do that anyway if you want to get your kids back. Yeah, right. If these are real kidnappers, they're not going to want to give the kids back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you do have to show up with a gun and kind of kill them all. Yeah, kill them all, you know. And there's a, you know, and there's one guy is slightly too big and you punch him and

nothing happens. He's one of those guys. Does that happen in Taken? Probably. Oh, yeah, those things where you punch him like that in the guts and he, and And then he doesn't move and then you look up and he's like, he's like, like that. That's fun. Yeah, I mean, that would be fun just being one of those guys.

What about this? I heard of the Royal Flying Doctors. Yes. What about this? Swimming doctors. Swimming doctors or possibly just running doctors. So many actions. You know, they run really, really fast to the scene of an accident.

These are all separate sketches. Yeah, yeah, okay. Or possibly it's, you know, you've got the police on bicycles. Yeah. I'd love a little bicycle ambulance situation, you know. Maybe two bikes, a tandem one with a stretcher in between. They put the person on there and they're riding along. The person's falling out.

Falling off. They're getting all scratched on the road and the dirt road. The cyclist is yelling at people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're just, they don't have like a flashing light and a siren. They just yell? No, well, they just go through red lights or whatever because they are cyclists. So none of the rules apply to them anyway.

So it's fine. It's fine. They just do whatever they want. That's great. they go up on the footpath that's fine they're there you know

you must encounter that sometimes when you're on the road I know what you're talking about oh okay do you do you hide your profession these days no no great

these days it would be a hard thing to to scrub the internet yeah of all the things I've said about me being a karate instructor yeah that's right and I would love to see you in a karate match

and have you done any kind of martial arts I did jiu jitsu for a little bit Yeah? Yeah. Like in the last 10 years? Yes. Oh, wow.

Okay, that's great. How did you find it? Were you like, did you choke anybody out? Yes. But I'm bad at some of the basics, like some like doing roll, like a forward roll on the ground. There's a thing called a Gramby or a grandby. And it's like a sort of a role situation. I don't have the flexibility.

Do it. So, you know, I could be in a, I could be in a like a mixed martial art situation where like the rules like that very. very very narrow set of rules i don't have to do anything that if if i'm i can pull my hand up and be like don't do that yeah i'm not i'm not qualified i don't know how to do that one not qualified actually yeah yeah it's not it's actually not fair yeah no no punching the face but also no grabbing around the middle yeah yeah yeah yeah and no grabbing on the feet i'm ticklish on the feet so no nothing on the feet oh yeah creating a good a nice like a creating a new fighting league that only place to your strengths.

Yep, yep. All right, let's see. Only biding. It's an only biting martial art. Yeah, that's really good. It's the UFC, but instead of being like, and they list the rules and they go, okay, no, no eye gouging, no, you know, knees to the groin, no something, something, something. And then you think about it and then you're like, no punching.

Is this just bite? There's these guys there and they've been like boxing for 20 years and like karate for 20 years and all these sumo wrestlers or whatever and it's like no no holds no throws no blah blah blah

punches no kicks that's right and it's just like a sumo guy and a karate guy and they just run at each other and they're like it would be crazy and you do have to bite until they lose consciousness there's no tapping out

Oh, wow. And no rounds, no stop, not getting a break like that. You just go until somebody loses. I mean, the noses are getting bitten off, aren't they? Oh, yeah. I mean, I guess you've got to find things where one way would be people losing consciousness from losing, from... Losing blood.

Losing blood. Or I guess you bashed your teeth on their skull? I don't know. Is that technically a bite? I don't know. It's a teeth punch. Or the ref is like, I'm taking that as a bite. It's until somebody, you know, bleeds to death.

Or until somebody, you know, Somebody goes, ah, stop it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's the only other way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. I'm tapping out, though. Oh, you can say, oh, ow, that hurts.

I don't want to. Pinching, a pinching martial art would be crazy. Does anybody ever say ow in UFC? You know what? No. I haven't really seen it. Should we do like an alternative audio track for the UFC where, with putting all the owls back in? Oh, that hurt.

Yucky. I do think that there is a weird thing where sometimes if somebody does do, because you almost don't see anybody ever show like they're in pain unless it's like an illegal strike. Like somebody will get like punched in the head, but then if somebody while they're on the ground gets kneeed in the head, they'll be like,

oh, oh, head. Like that. Whereas in some leagues you can do that. But it's just funny that you're like... Some leagues you can hit knee people in the head. Yeah, and you can also soccer ball kick the head. So like as in like if somebody's laying on the ground You can kick their head

In some leagues you can do that Yeah some of the better ones What about It's like the opposite of the ultimate fighting It's the sort of very An ultimate? That's what biting was The pen ultimate fighting

What would that be? There's something in that Yeah yeah something close to the end It's not that good No They hype everything up It's an ultimate fighting But you have to stop.

You have to stop. Oh, just before you... And it's whoever gets the closest. Wow, without actually hitting them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see, okay. It's like, it's like Reiki fighting. You've got to use Reiki energy.

You know Reiki massage? It's like, you know, when you play bowls, it's getting the closest. You roll the ball and you get it closest to the pin or what have you. The thing without actually touching it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you hit the person or hurt them in any way, you're a disqualified and you lose.

the game. Absolutely. Like, there's all the stuff, you make it really seem like you are going to hit them. Yeah. Right. And that's the art. Yeah. Is, uh, is, you know, all in the like, you know, all the build up.

It's like touch footy. It's like touch footy. It's like touch footy. It's like touch with no touching. But for kicking each other's, kicking each other's asses. How about there's no touch footy. Oh. No contact, not even touching.

You just got to like, stop. Like that. Mm. And they have to stop. And they go, I touched you. yell stop and then Give me the ball Give me the ball

Give me the ball Yeah Look that's That is It's in It's in No touch footy is in Oh wait

Should we do no touch footy Okay I don't know I don't know what the premise of that Is really Wait Okay Wait wait

So it's just It's for people Who don't want to have To do all the running You know Because like I guess that's the thing Is that you don't want

The contact When you're doing football Of rugby And so you just want to Be able to do the running You do no you don't do touch footy you want to do the running but what if you don't want to do the running

and you don't have to like get a ball and so they'll stop if you shout at them to stop. It's essentially a role playing game where you're playing a game of rugby. Yes. And then you're going okay and the ball is thrown like there's a dungeon master but he's the ref as well and the ball

has been thrown into this end and go I go run and catch it. I tackle him. And you know that's I mean that's the best players obviously. The best players are like they know they know the game and they're like, I catch that. But the, you know, the also-round kind of players are like, oh, do I catch it? Oh, I dropped it.

Yeah, oh, I fumbled the ball. Fumbled it. Oh, no. I go and I'll grab your legs when you're trying to get, pick up the ball off the ground. And I can't, I can't escape. You grab it. I can't escape it. It's a way to develop a sport where the ball is a dice.

Yes. Like maybe, maybe it's like one of the, you know, the fancy like dodecahedron one. or whatever, like, you know, multi-sided. And so we're combining the fantasy element with the real sport. And I think that, like, you know, maybe, maybe, you know, the referee becomes a dungeon master kind of thing. What happens is you're, somebody's got the ball, and you run at them and you're about to spear tackle them.

But then you have to roll the dice. Yeah. And if you get a natural 20, you can drive them into the ground. But if you roll a one, you have to smash your own head into the dirt. because that's a big time fail, you know what I mean? Yeah, you get pulled off with a with a with a with a stretcher. Yeah. And then they roll and then if they roll a one, they drop you out.

Oh no. You head it to the ground again. Okay, rugby Dungeons and Dragons rules. Yep. Yeah. I mean, dungeons and dragons. It feels like there could be a pun in there. Dungeons, jun, jun, dungeons and drag goals.

Dougby. No good. Dougby and drug football. I believe that this is the end of our It is the end What a wonderful time Thank you so much for being a part of this Colos Mason

Oh it's a little sick Oh no it's beautiful Is this mango? Oh yeah This is mango Well done Oh is it got Inositol in it Anositol

It sounds like it's I'm gonna be riding high And he's an osatol all day You better believe it It's there to neuter cats or something like that Yeah Thank you so much Nick Mason

Yes here he goes Well done, bravo, hero. And please welcome our next guests. Only ones are right. Wait, here they are. Yay. Joel Doucher and Jackson Bailey. Should we, I mean, will we rearrange?

Or are we going to... No, I think this is good. You think it's okay? You guys okay with not sitting next to each other. You don't need to like... I don't know. Yeah, no, this is good. We'll be fine.

Is it okay that the microphone's on the side? I think that's normal. I mean, they're caught on the Cobbs style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think the sound's going to come out sideways? Yeah, that's what I'm scared of, dude. To listen to it, they're going to have to go like this. That's what dogs do.

Maybe their ears are on the wrong way. Okay, straight off the bat, horizontal podcast. What? What if sound was horizontal rather than obviously the textbook vertical sounds? Oh yeah, landscape podcasting. Everybody's having to lay down or is being. or has been suspended. Yeah.

Goodbye. It's being suspended by wires. Okay. I mean, it feels like when you film something, you know, you start filming something on your phone. Kids do this a lot. And then, like, you turn it into landscape wall and you're in the course of the video.

And then when you watch you get it home, you've got to like tip your thing and then it flips around. I mean, that's the ideal viewing experience to me. Those moments where you're like, you're tipping your head and you're tipping your phone and it's rotating on the thing. I like, like, when it comes,

that's how I want to. watch any movie. Oh yeah. Yeah, I want it to never be perfect. I'm doing this for two and a half hour. Hey, people often talk about that famous scene in, uh, inception where the room was spinning. What if the movie was also spinning? And it hypnotized you. Yeah. Is it spinning? What have you released the movie? The movie was just a big spinning circle. And this was a good movie. That's really good. Go home and give this five stars on the letterbox. Yeah. How's this feeling for you guys, by the way, because I feel like that we're the first dual. of the day

and we may have come in a little hot. Movie that hypnotizes you. Everybody's like this guy the most incredible director another hit

how's he done it? And then I don't guess at some point there's a retrospective where they look back and they're like oh it's all just hypnotized does it hold up?

I don't know I think it's just hypnotized you actually I mean I guess what hypnotized us back then doesn't really hypnotize us today so I mean to me

at the time I would have given this five But now... Maybe two and a half. Still pretty good. I'm still a bit hypnotist. I also like people talking about that when you come out of the movie. Do you like it?

Yeah. What was your favorite bit? When it's spanned around... Swirling, swirling bit. I think just in general the idea of like hypnotists being real and being out there in the world running businesses and you don't know which business are hypnotists and you like book a dinner for your anniversary,

you go out, go to the restaurant, you come back, it's an amazing time, but the whole thing was just hypnotism. You get in there, as soon as you're in the door, they empathize you, you're having a delicious meal. You notice when you go to those hypnotism restaurants, always hungry, like an hour after getting home? I don't know if you know it's a hypnoticist's a restaurant. Because you weren't, you're not eating, I'm assuming, right? No, you're not.

You're definitely hungry. It's just a guy going, yeah. Imagine, but now you're essentially imagining that like, now, that what people believe about Chinese takeaway places. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We're only now discovering that it was just... There is no Chinese.

All these foods there's an incredibly fraudulent, an entirely fraudulent cuisine. Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't exist. It's just hypnotism. They've been masquerading as Chinese restaurants this whole time, dude. Now, I love that, uh... I would love to know, since we've come in here and just screamed for a couple of minutes. We've been typing the whole time.

Yeah, yeah. I'd love to know. what sketches you've got out of. You've got horizontal podcast. I don't know that we can write that down because I don't know what that is. Okay, so you know how a podcast is vertical. I don't know he said this is an idea of horizontal podcast,

but you don't have to write that now. Don't delete it. It's progress. I know what I think the idea of sound also being horizontal. Yeah. And that there's an idea there. I mean, we know you look at the waveform on the editing software. It goes up and down.

Imagine if you could. It'd be like when, like, you know, like when, like, records used to be mono and then they went stereo and everyone was like, Jesus, fuck. And can we do, okay, so if I'm holding up my phone, watch remote, how a podcast is typically heard. Yeah, yeah. And you're talking, and then I turn it as the sound. Yeah. Has it become wide off? Yeah.

And it's in your pocket. It's in your pocket and you've got headphones on, but then you're having to turn it in your podcast. Yeah, yeah, your phone is. The sound, yeah, it's just a wide, a thick. sound. Maybe, okay, so you know... Scape sound. Yeah, sir, okay, we're all

of the, like, the VHS era. Yeah, VHS era. I was sure, sad note, and I'm sure no one can tell. I had an iced coffee just before coming here that was the intense one that has five shots of... Oh, that's really good, dude. And I drank that...

I already want one. Yeah. I drank all of that in the two to three-minute car ride from the supermarket here. That's exactly. It's right. It probably hasn't here. hit your body yet.

No. This is just you still off of like just mourning energy. Yeah, just really happy to be away. That's just the idea of the coffee. You're just excited about it. When the caffeine properly hits, dude. One of my friends that's watching

a stream message me and said that they love my shorts. And I think that's what's actually charged me off. I like that there's, yeah, there's actually a good shot almost going all the way up. Oh, wow. Oh. Terrific calves. Thank you so much.

Yeah. You look like you could pull a plane. You know those guys who pull a plane? Yeah. Yeah. Sketch idea. Joel Dusha pulls a plane. What's the sketch?

Well, you know, a podcaster, Joel Dush, known from... Plumbing the Death Star, Thumbing the Death Star, based on. Okay, wait. Are you advertising yourself? Wasn't the bit he was asking the question about. Yeah, so, you know me? You know me? So what if I...

That's out this character for me. Yeah, yeah. So, I'm a podcast. Okay, right. A host of Plumbing the Death Star, Based on Speculation Thumb Cramps. They're all available on the internet, which is crazy. Right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, I, like, in those podcasts, I make a lot of big claims. Okay. And then I like the idea that... You claim you could pull a plane. And then, for some reason, that's the one where the facade drops, and everyone's like, hey. You've got to do it. Yeah. We actually have the tools to make that happen, so you're going to pull a plane.

I like to think... You've heard of small claims court? This is big claims court. Big claims court! And we take you there, and we get asking you to prove that you could actually pull a play. I'm going to get... Look, this is... And if you can't.

you go to actual jail yeah we got to prison especially for guys life yeah yeah everybody invented to get rid of bullshitter you have criminalized talking shit everybody in the yard's like I'm getting out tomorrow

I'm gonna bust out of this place tonight have you seen the wall I can jump it I could jump the wall do it then nah no no no no there's people looking it's too hot my family's out of town so there's no point going

I'm doing next one weekend. Yeah, I'm walking in, guarantee it. Like, I could jump the fence, but I'm actually working on a hole in the wall in my prison. Yeah, it wouldn't make sense. Yeah, I've put so much time. I see the hole? Nah.

No, I'm only allowed one person in the prison cell. Then I get, I'm the first ever prisoner hanged. Hanged. Because my neck's actually strong enough, I'm not going to die. Okay, man. I mean, Jackson and I, and this is, again, not a sketch, but it is a building on the sketch that we're currently building. Jackson and I do firmly believe that the electric chair would feel good for a bit. Yeah. I think there'd be like a, like a window. I also believe this about getting kicked

in the head by a horse. However infinitesimally small. There would be a bit of clarity right at the beginning. You kind of see your life from a macro perspective. You don't just like anything. You can have too much of a good thing. Well, like I feel like that maybe in that first moment of an electric chair or being kicked in the head by a horse, you'd finally understand horizontal podcasts. Yeah, yeah. Oh. That was a genius thing to start the show with.

I finally understand Horizontal podcast. It's the last word. It's not electrocuting me. Stop electrocuting me. I finally get it. Well, back to horizontal podcast because I feel like

that... Andy, I feel like you're still not sold on the fact that it's written as a sketch. So it's like... So remember back to VHS before I distracted it with the amount of caffeine. Like, I'm more caffeine than man at the moment. But basically,

like when you're watching something on a videotape, it's on a 4-3 TV. When you saw it in the movies, it was widescreen. I hate this. I hate this is an explanation, just so you know. So, like, a podcast, you could still listen to it vertically, but there's jokes

in the sides. Oh, in the sides. Stuff you're missing. Okay. This could be one of those rites in this 500 episode. Like, this could be in the side. People would have missed out on it. Okay, I see. Now they've turned to horror. Yeah.

Oh, my God. You know, I like the, you know, I like the, the idea that you can with AI now you can take an image and you can get it to like expand it and like it'll just like imagine stuff around the outside it'd be really good to take your favourite podcast and be able to like drag the ends of the edit out

and like hear a little bit of the pre-show and a little bit of what they were talking about after they got off air and just be like I feel like that if sorry I was going to say I feel like I'm worried that if you run any of mine or Jackson's podcast through it no matter how AI plays it out It just ends with us getting either hanged

or the electric chair in the post show opens with the police busting down the studio door. Odd cost. Yeah. I really like the idea as well. You said with getting kicked by a horse or whatever. Andy brought that up. I'm pretty sure. Too much a good thing.

Now what if we could get just the right amount of getting kicked in the head by a horse and sell it? And I'm imagining it's a pill you take through your forehead. You know what? It's like how they took, you know, you're like, tomatoes used to be poisonous. Exactly.

And then they bred them until you could eat the tomato, enjoy the flavor and not get killed by the poison. We breed smaller and smaller horses. We do that with being kicked in the head with a horse. And it's in a little pill when you go on. We did famously have a sketch called kicked in the head by a Shetland pony. Until you get a medical grade sized horse.

Yeah, exactly. Like that. It kind of kicks you. It's like a red bull alternative. It's true. Like, you know, I mean. Microdosing concussions. We can use, we can use, there are therapeutic.

uses of electricity and mental health and maybe you know you know like you can have too much of a good thing yes yeah but maybe it works the other way anything that you can have too much of yeah is good like a little bit of it is good okay yeah that's true i mean i guess that's really i've invented homeopathy if you can have a small enough amount i thought you're going to say you can have too much of a good thing so the opposite must be true you can have not enough of a bad Which I guess is kind of a case. Were you saying that if too much of a good thing is bad, and having way too much like bad stuff becomes good?

Yes. Like a bit of poison is obviously really bad, but if you have so much poison. There's a tip of not enough of a bad thing. Not enough of a bad thing. It's like if you have salt water, they say it's going to dehydrate you. If you have enough, it'll tip you over the edge. You drink the sea.

Okay. Now again, this is something, good, what's the sketch? Yeah, yeah. What was the thing you did to say? A man drinking the ocean. Okay, I'm sold. A man starts drinking the ocean.

Everyone's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop, stop, he goes, no. And then he drinks more and he's like, I've had the right amount now. And then... I feel refreshed. And then he becomes, he just picks up a... He's Atlas. It's the origin of Atlas.

Yeah, yeah. There is something interesting about a guy who tries to drink the ocean. I think so too But how is he not dying? How is he like is he just going like a glass to those I was imagining a big straw Yeah yeah yeah yeah I went head in ocean just like slurping from the inside

Oh that's really good dude That's really good Yeah putting your dunking your entire head in the ocean And then drinking Slurping that's a really good way to drink Yeah How would you make it make you It's like what is it the salt that kills you

Yeah I think so The salt is too much salt How do you negate salt? Yeah what are you doing? What's the opposite of salt? Sugar? Sugar You put a candy

Is it okay If you put a bunch of sugar in there Yeah So then he just puts Teaspoons of sugar Sweet sea Like sweet tea Yeah

Sweet sea Grandma's sweet sea They should make a sugar Sea Yeah they should We can do that now And Ocean 2

Yeah We got lots of sugar And we got a lot of sugar And we got swimming pools And I do know That kind of made sour sea Yeah sugar can be used to preserve things

So I presume in the same way that salt can stop bacteria and stuff from going, if you put enough sugar in something, it'll be okay. That's what jam is, right? That's what jam is. You know? I mean, the jam sea. Yeah, okay. Maybe we get green peas or the sea shepherd that are trying to stop, you know, whaling.

And when we go, your new job is to any sugar transport ships. They're going to love this. They're going to love. They're going to love, we're hearing their new job. Any sugar transport ships, you've got to destroy. So the sugar goes into the ocean. And then we can drink it finally. I would love to see Australian comedy group Skidhouse get back together and reenact

and act out this sketch. The Jam C. I think that would be... I think that would be tremendous, dude. Mitchell and Webb maybe could do it. They could get in there? I think that this is one... Mitchell and Webb did get back together.

Yeah, they did. And mixed results. Well, I've got to say, my biggest problem with it was that some reason, Robert Webb seems really sad in every single sketch he looks and sounds sad in every sketch I'm like oh I don't enjoy these because you seem to I feel bad for you I feel like David Mitchell and look hey don't know the guy

I feel like that in the lot like since a peep show and stuff like that his career he's kind of constantly been thrust in the limelight that maybe he's just annoying to work with So maybe Webb's just like, oh, God, I've got to go back with this guy. It's going to be a sad. He's just going to tell me about nine out of seven cats, whatever it's called.

Nine out of seven cats. Yeah. I guess it's also just him being like, you know, seeing the other half kind of be on TV all the time. Yeah. Like, I've written a book. But then now you're on TV again. Be happy about it.

Be happy. Don't be sad and everything. Sorry. I've been sad for too long. And now I just, I just stay. all the time. Okay, so, new idea. Okay, okay. What if it's a sketch show, but one of the guys doesn't know they're being filmed and it's going on TV? It's not a prank show, it's sketch comedy. Right, but one

guy, what does he think happener? Well, uh, so maybe he thinks that all his, all his interactions are awful. And then it can be an exploration of if sketch comedy still works if one person's really upset. So it's what, like, they're like a production company. Yeah. Right?

And they make ads or whatever like that. But they often end up in weird situations outside of making things. And then he's like, you guys are acting weird. Yeah. That one comes up a lot. Why are you saying that? I hate my Godforsaken life.

Every day I wake up and I'm in a circus. I just want a regular donut. I would like the, would like to get the version of the prank show where in every single prank the person being prank is like, why are you behaving this way?

What's going on? When you go to get a donut and they pull out a cartoonishly large donut, oh no, that's too much. This seems silly. Why would you do that? An absurd donut to give me, I'll take one of the normal ones.

You guys came through. Is that a prank? Have you seen that as a prank? The big donut. No, right, have you actually seen that as a prank? That is a good prank. The big donut prank The big donut prank

Yeah you go Oh you want a donut You have a normal donut Okay Okay Now I got a good sketch In you're on top of that Okay

Okay so and this is kind of Top that Yeah No no on top of I'm building I'm building on big donut So I don't know If this might hit close to home

For you guys Because I know that Australian comedy Has tried this a bunch Yeah Like organize like a relatively Low Budget prank show Yeah And the thing about prank shows is, hey, what do you see on TV, like Jackass and stuff like that?

Yeah, that was good. But when you're filming one, sometimes people just get really upset. Yeah, okay. Now, I like the idea of a sketch where it's a prank show where the prank is like the big donut, but the person just gets inconsolable about being tricked. It's not the size of donut I want. No, it's a prank show. Look, you're on TV.

It's my lowest moment. Getting a donut three to four times bigger than I wanted. I'm going to kill myself and name you in it. Okay. Get this guy a normal donut, quick. Could you do a sketch show where it was all tragedies instead of comedy? Like, they're all just like really, you know, it's all like, you know, for sale, baby shoes never worn. Yeah, this is a sketch, but sketch doesn't.

Really short, you know, and something really sad happens to somebody in every single one. Just bombs you out. Yeah. Just finish out. Well, no, I mean, people like, you know, people can enjoy these kinds of stories. But it's also about the surprise. It's still about surprise. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's like, you know, it's a guy. High concept tragedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a guy. False-paced tragedy? Yeah. He's really excited about getting. It's a tear a minute.

Yeah. He's really excited about getting to see his mom. Tell somebody, oh, I haven't seen her in 15 years, and he's got flowers and he's going to see her. And he gets to the. old folks home and he's like I'm here to see Mrs. Damsborough and then they go

Oh Mrs. Damsbrough Oh I've got some news for you And then they start to walk Come into this room Yeah And as he's walking over to the room Both his legs get cut off

Whoa Oh Okay I'm like a like a You know like a floor buffer Like, oh, like that. And his mum was still alive. She never gets to see him because he got till.

Well, no, she goes, and then, and then, she can't get out of bed, and he's too short to see over the bed now because he's got no legs. Oh, that's so sad. They're in the room together, but they don't know. And piano music, he walks on his little bony news. Wow. Mom, mom.

Who's there? Who's there? I can't get out of bed so I can't see me. I can't reach up to you because my legs got chopped off. And then somebody picks him up like that and then he gets to see her and he goes, oh, I only liked you with legs. What have you done with your legs? Oh, you're really, mom, you're really ugly.

Yeah. He was hoping his mom would be so. Yeah. Of course. I hadn't seen her in a long time. What if I have one of those beautiful moms? We'd love to find out that I've got a milf. Yeah, you're adopted.

You're going to meet your bio. mom, you go, well, I do hope she's attractive. Your bio-mom. You're adopted. Yeah, you know, your bio-mom. All mums are biological. Can we just agree? Like, unless you've got, unless you've been adopted by a robot,

all mums are biological. That's true, that's true. Yeah, bio-mom, yeah, you're like, hey, I'm really excited. I get to meet my biological mother. You know, the woman who birthed me, obviously, this woman raised me, but I really hope she's attracted. I mean, it would do a lot for my stocks if I've got a milth. A bio-milf?

A bio-milf. Write it down. Bi-o-milf. In a future, okay, what's bio-o-milf? In a future where everyone's adopted. It's interesting, you don't have to be a mother to be a milf, do you? Not at all. No, it can be a frame of mind.

Yeah, exactly. It's a sort of, yeah, concept, idea. So what, you just, somebody has to think that maybe you are a mother. I don't know that you even, I think it's... I mean, Milf... It actually is more just about, like, an age. Yeah, bracket that you've entered it. You've entered into a matriarchal.

By definition, the M is mother. Yes, that's true. Big fan of the F, though. Yeah, yeah. You love to fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's awesome.

It's really cool. Big fan. Yeah, yeah. I love the love for, big. I, you know, mine is actually more about the love. Yeah. I'm a textbook nice. Mom, I'd love to love to love.

part is really what does it for me. The fact that it's about me and my design is the main thing your big eye guy. Acronome yeah. When do I get in to show up in this acronym? I mean you've done an M already. I mean

I'm sorry but where's Jackson? Oh I? Thank God. I've already come to be honest. I don't care what I'm doing. I don't know what happens next. Andy here's mothers I love the invisible second tea

Oh, okay Yeah, that's true, it's not that, Miltf, yeah, yeah Because it really is matit And really eyed is I would Yeah, yeah, that's true, it's really Millwood, yeah, miltv, yeah, yeah We are, we are, I mean, is it, could you be a real,

like someone who's a real grammar Nazi, but you're doing it about things like this? There's only one tea. Yeah, and that's okay. That's all right. Oh, it's so embarrassing. I did it. Invisible second tea.

Here's the front of the whole world. Maybe there is a second two. Other that I would like to fuck, I'd also, look, no pressure, but I believe that this current riff is about to be sketch 100. Oh, no. But it's nothing. It's truly nothing.

The famous elongated milf riff. It's a riff. It's a bunch of guys And they're discussing Where they see themselves most In the Milf acronym That's true And what their favorite part is

You know It's like for me it's about the love It's not about the fucking It's about the fucking It's it's it's It's the love Of Yeah

That's what does for you I mean maybe this is a whole new Like personality architecture Like the Oh I see Like the Migs Briya That's not what it's called Whatever

it is. Well, it's kind of like... It sounds good. If that's not... Well, let's call it that. Okay. It's the Miggs-Briar system where you take, like, everybody identifies with a different letter in the middle MacArthur. The Miggs-Briar body judgment. Yeah, the Miggs-Briar were two people who are very judgmental about

people's bodies. Yeah. And they'll tell you what, he's like, oh, you're a fucked slob. You're like, you've got a goat body. You've got to like a... All right. I do feel like... Yeah, yeah. And I feel like I said this to you last time when we had a podcast in front of here. Yeah.

It was like a podcast festival. And you had your... I had like an overalls on over a jump, but yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I have said that you kind of looked like a cottage minion or something. But because of the shape of your hair, there is something... You're like a sheep man. You are like a sheep man.

True, I got sheep energy. And to be honest, you're like the first sheep man I've ever encountered in my life. I've seen so many people with like a lion face. Right? But never a sheep man. man and I want to say thank you for being my first. That's okay, there's not many of us out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay?

We're a rare breed. We're a rare breed, yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, just back to the, the, which part of the milf acronym do you see yourself in? I mean, like, I hate to, I hate to get cross, but like a classic discussion would be like, are you a tits man or a horse man? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say you are, are you an M man or an I man? You're a mother man and I man, a love man or a fuck man.

Oh, so be a fuck man. Be a mother man. It's all about the mother. I love... I just love mothers. It kind of is the strong feminist position. I think so. I think that's what you want to be.

Seeing an empowered woman. Yeah, it's exciting. Do you think... It's beautiful. I just thought about the context of what I'm talking about. The fact that we haven't had a single woman guest on this... I know. I know.

For 24 hours where this deep we're right in smack-bang in Milf territory. Yeah, that's okay, because... The next two guests are also two men. Oh, really? After that we do have a woman. Thank goodness. And then she can fix this. No, sorry.

It's not the other type of fix things. What if it was their jobs to fix it? That's a really good idea. It's a really good sketch. I would love you to bring this up with Jess when she is in here at 1 p.m. My personality changes when I'm with Jess and I become more silly. Yeah, really? That's who brings out the silly.

silliest. I noticed the other day, I was like, you bring this out of me. Because I was starting to do a lot of... Making me do this. Yeah. I was doing a lot of this. Lau! Lau! Lau! Laud! That is so silly. That's silly. Well, yeah, but it's not, it's like an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression, but I can't do any of the talking bitch. Oh, right. What if Arnold Schwarzenegger got turned into a dog? Thoughts?

Okay. But he stood in all of his iconic roles? Oh, no, yeah. Dog Terminator. There was nothing in the books, in the rulebook that said that... Terminator. It's going to be a dog. I'll be home for... No, jingle all the way, but it's a dog.

Don't entrust that. You absolutely would have been dog terminators. Yeah, that'd be my first thought, honestly. If I was in part-charged of the Terminator program. I mean, we know from the reality that we currently inhabit that one of the first robots that they made was like a dog robot. That's true. Yeah. And they recently made it a dinosaur so children could kick it.

Really? Yeah. So, so a video. about this where they got one of those dogs that's designed to attack people with guns on its backs and they were like oh let's put it in like a dinosaur skin and then kids can just beat the shit out of it

and were kids kicking it? Yeah kids love to kick you know so kids when they see a robot they want to kick I'm going to kick the shit out of it if you're designing a robot you've got to figure out how to there's two things if you're making a robot for commercial use you've got to be how do I

make sure people don't have sex with this and how do I make sure people don't kick the shit out Yeah. Or you can like lean in to both, I guess. Yeah, I think really when you're making a robot, you have to first make it so that how do I make it look like people won't think that I'm trying to make it so that people can... Yes. You've got to make it the least sexy robot possible, and that's hard. I think it's real like, how do I have to make this seem like it's, we wouldn't, we won't, we're not like moments away from giving it a gun and instructing it to kill people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Like, I think that's why they did. all those dancing videos with the Boston Dynamics ones.

It's fun. Look, it's dancing. He's dancing. No one who dances could possibly shoot you with a gun. Is there an animal or a shape that you think is the least threatening and least sexy shape or animal? It's a really good idea. I think a ball is probably more would be my good. A ball?

Just like a sphere. Sphere. Just like a sphere that does you. Don't fear the sphere. Oh, man. I mean, it is just. The cooking here. There's plenty of sex to us.

It's a spherical. But it's just a smooth cobalt sphere. A spherical sex toy? What do you do with it? It's usually a touch to other stuff, I guess. No, this is, it's a beautiful cobalt black sphere. And it does your dishes and your taxes. Wow.

How does it do it if it's a sphere? I think it has stuff that comes out of it. It's got arms that come out. Oh, no. Spooky. Pixelated? Maybe. Okay.

No, this is a good idea. What if instead of a bowl, it's just a pixelated? That's a great idea. You don't know what your robot looks like. Yeah. It's just kind of blurry. It's made from a new kind of blurry metal we just. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or it's vibrating at a really high frequency. I think I'd be stressed if I looked at the kitchen and my robot butler was vibrating. Could you see, blurry? I think it's constructed from solid blurite. Yeah, I think that's a great idea. Yeah. Imagine that, like a robot that you cuddle and the vibrations of it. You're making it.

Make you come. Probably brings you to. climate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's the problem with making, you make a robot butler. Yeah. They're going to, they're going to figure out a way to hack it so it vibrates if it doesn't.

So I don't know if this is anything, but it could be a lot of things. Okay. So we're talking about a, a butler robot you have that vibrates. Yeah. And then Andy, you brought up the blur, right? Yeah, I keep bringing it up. Yeah, yeah. Really.

That kind of reminded me of a movie that me and you love, Jackson, uh, Avatar with Unobhanium. Yeah. So then you could have so Robot Butler Blurite and then it could cut back to people fighting a war

for Blurite like they like we think we've found it but we're not sure You try and grab it and you miss Yeah yeah Is that blur right

I don't I think it's a I think it's a God Absolute decimation of the native people I think we found I think if

if the concept of that is that it had been hard to get not because of some mythical properties that it had and metaphorical power just because it was blurry and it was hard to see where it was. Well, maybe even like... And it has no philosophical mental.

I just wanted to make it a movie what it would be like if there was a blurry metal. That's the concept. Yeah, yeah. Is this it? Or maybe even like, hey, feel like, oh, war, that feels bad and yucky, fair enough. Even just have Indiana Jones, like, just break it into a temple,

trying to grab it and be like, What am I doing? I do love the idea of soldiers being like... Getting motion sickness. You know... From looking at it. That's funny with your robot barter too. Whoa.

This metal makes you... You're not going to want to have sex with something that makes you feel nauseous. I love the idea of soldiers sitting in like the, you know, their little headquarters or whatever. And they're like, yeah, man, war is hell. But I know I'm fighting the good cause, okay? I fight the natives here and collect the rocks so back home they don't fuck their robots

that makes me feel proud why it's the most valuable material in the galaxy is because it's the only thing that you could make robots out of you could get anything done every other robot we're just like yeah you're pure you're sort of your Jesus's cross is now made out of it

yeah exactly it de-sexualizes it oh yeah that's true blurry Christ we don't already look like now it fixes a lot of like debates what did Jesus look like I think probably the way that we will achieve this

is with some sort of quantum effect we already have the Heisenberg uncertainty principle at a quantum level things are kind of blurry you don't know exactly where things are if we can find a material where that exists at a macro level that'll be really good

and I think yes wherever there's something difficult where there's a debate over like, oh, what did Jesus look like? How, what shape is Captain America's helmet? We'll be able to make them blur it out. Make it out of blur, right? And then people, you know, well, we don't have to...

The answer would just become, we don't know. Yeah, too blurry. I don't know. Not if we don't know, I can't see. Yeah, we can't see. Yeah. What did Jesus look like? I can't see.

Let's talk about somebody else. I don't know, but if I look at the picture of it too long, it makes me feel sick like I'm in a car. Yeah, that's really good Yeah, what if Jesus was blurry Yeah, nauseating Well, my favorite Jesus' depiction Is the earliest depiction of Jesus

I don't know if you've ever seen this Axi-Sphere, just a cold book Yeah, then you want to have sex with No, it's called Axi Menathos worships his god Oh, yeah A piece of graffiti from like somewhere in the Levant or whatever And it's Jesus being crucified

But he's got a donkey head and somebody's written Alexa Manethos or whatever his worships his god but it's meant to be like that's you, that's taken the piss and it's so funny to me someone was like, this is your guy dude and he's a fucking donkey

yeah dude and that's the earliest depiction we have of Jesus and that's my Christ donkey-headed Christ we think that that's the joke but then that's what he's saying but there's a chance that Christ actually didn't have a donkey

no no we can't see the idea of opening like she did ride into town in that donkey didn't yeah that's true Maybe that would think the baby might have been coming out of her vagina. And she was like riding it. Okay. What about the Bible becomes so confused?

If she wasn't pregnant. She just laid in there and then she laid down and the donkey laid down. She went, my baby. The son of God, he is born. I didn't even have sex. Oh my God. I don't have sex here. She's a woman who thinks every animal she sees.

She just gave birth to. When the three wise men arrive, she says, all these animals, this is Jesus every animal in the in the barn Jesus Christ it is really really funny to find like

so obviously Christianity has caused people have found salvation in it but also it's caused a lot of issues I would say in the last 2,000 years

beautifully put yeah the idea of someone finding a second Bible that's just like oh yeah the Virgin Mary like it wasn't it was a donkey

she just befriended and she just thought it was her kid and also but then we did crucify the book of Jesus, the book of Joseph, where he was like, yeah, she was losing her mind. Yeah, it felt really bad for her, and I, maybe let it go on too long. Yeah, yeah.

When the Romans are like, are you the son of God, and instead of saying, I am what you say, I am, he just goes, eh, uh, I am. And they go. What the fuck did you say to me? Nallon, cross. Yeah. Yeah. Put a thorn of crowns on it.

Oh, like, Joseph. A thorn of crowns. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What's that ATB? That's our next sketch idea. What of crumbs? I think that also that the...

It's my Andy. That the way that he turned water into wine was because wine is just what they call donkey piss. Oh, I see. And they fed the donkey water and it pissed. Donkeys wine. Yeah. Donkeys do wine. They might make a little sound while they're pissing.

Yeah, I said by donkey's wine, you're saying that's what we call donkey piss now. Donkey wine. Oh, it is. Donkey swine does sound like a great insult for Colin. You donkey swine. I really like it. Two animals in one. Yeah, two of the, I think it's rough that the donkey, the donkey gets a lot of insult, sort of like real estate.

You know what I mean? Well, it's because we hate donkeys. Yeah. I like that we have an animal that we use, but it's a nuisance. Higg is another one. Yeah, exactly. Higg, swine. Yeah.

I mean, donkeys, they're quite friendly. I think they're like really emotional. I think maybe mules is the one that we use. dislike, you know, because they're stubborn. Name a couple of these insults. I can't think of it. Stubborn as a mule. Luben as a mule.

Mule-headed. Mule-headed. Mule-cunt. You mostly use like donkey dick. Yeah, exactly. Donkey. But, again, yeah.

Like, you're stubborn as a mule, but if you're hung like a donkey... That's good. We go mules, annoying as how. Huge dicks. Oh, beautiful, huge penis. Yeah, I guess one that's shooting blanks Because that's what a mule would be

What a mule is, well I guess a mule is infertile Yeah, they are shooting blanks Yeah, yeah, yeah I don't know if when we say someone's shooting blanks We go Oh, like a mule Oh, you stretch the podcast down Like a mule

So before when you're talking about Stretching the podcast out Oh yeah, horizontal podcast I just wanted to say I think that maybe you should be able to also Stretch it out this way Yeah And it just like adds new characters

Like the people who are on the line Another guest. A fifth host. It just like adds a bit more things or like one or like maybe some of the guests are a bit more informed or a bit taller. Yeah, all taller. It's great to think that we're now at a point where like you can listen to a podcast between any people you want. Yeah. You can just make it.

Yeah, that's true. You can have a podcast. Not even because of AI. It's just we've been doing podcasts so long that everyone's done a podcast. That's true. You don't even have to. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It already exists.

Well, we keep bringing up AI and that's obviously. artificial intelligence, but what would AI and the intelligence be? AI and the intelligence. Oh, do you mean Andy intelligence? Yeah, do you mean a... Wait, what? AI, so artificial intelligence.

Okay. Well, like, AI, Andy... Andy intelligence. You said AI, Andy... I still don't know what you're talking about. You know, if the A and AI stood for Andy... Andy, not artificial. What would that look like?

Oh, you go... You go jump into chat, GPT. Like, hey... Hey, Andy. Can you make me an episode of a podcast Plumbing the Death Star with a special guest Barack Obama? And then he writes it up for you? Do I do the voices?

Yes. So it's like me, me impersonating those. Yeah. I do my best Barack Obama. People are also saying, hey, Andy, can you please write my, like, resume out? Yeah. People are still using Andy in time. intelligence, like, artificial intelligence.

I think that that's kind of almost a, like, a podcast idea where it's like you get people to send you prompts. Oh, yeah. And then you just come and say, if they go to that and I'll go, hey guys, this is the plumbing the death star. And we're, today we're going to be talking about which, which care bear gives the best head. He's got out of the head. He's got out of him. So we're giving the best head. And so now we're, you know, Jackson, what do you think about that?

For me, for me, the blue one, who had the moon on his affront, you know, I think he would give the most sort of drooly, and I would say a sort of slobbery of all the, of all the, of all the cock suckers in this. in this group. What do you think, docher? Hey, thanks so much, Barack Obama for one, not only introducing that we were like,

hey, you're our biggest guest. You can introduce... That was Barack Obama? Yeah. Oh, God. It was Barack... Whoa. Okay, you got two choices here.

I was like, which of the guys were plumbing the test are as hell doing? I was having a great time. I didn't realize... It was Barack Obama. Because, like, plumbing the death star, I was like, hey, like, we're... Hey, there's a podcast.

We do okay for ourselves. but none of us have been the president of the United States of America. So, Barack, can I call you Barack? Yeah. Can you introduce the podcast? Yeah, that's going to be good for our numbers. Like, you didn't quiet now to stop. But he died, too.

But, hey, we were all quiet and we're like, no, it's okay, Obama, you just finished. They had some really good points. Yeah, oh, yeah, he picked the right game. Really, really went for it. Yeah. I think parody podcast, you know, where like you, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, The podcast has no fixed identity of its own, but next week we'll do somebody else's podcast.

Yeah. Oh, that's good. Probably a good. They'll do your podcast. Yeah. Do your podcast for you. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, most podcasts, no offense to every single person we're friends with, pretty easy to do. Yeah. I think I could do most podcasts. Like, even like, like, I mean, I've done do go on before. Yeah.

It's just that I didn't have to do the riffing. I was just doing the report. Yeah. You reckon you could do, do go on? Yeah. I can do do go on. You should do do do go on. Yeah.

I like the idea of do shadoos is the name of me. Dusha doos is the name of the show. That's a really good show. Dusha dos, people just look like, hey, do you do this? And I go, yeah. And then I just do it. Everyone's like, wow, every week I'm surprised he can just do it. In this podcast, is it just you?

So if I go, hey, do shah dos, could you do, do go on? Do you take all three roles or do you just? I like to imagine that I, so I guess if I'm doing someone else's podcast, I can't feature. or any of the members of that podcast but I can assemble a crack team because that's part of me doing it I have to like wrangle the guest which is annoying

I don't know if you guys have ever had to book a guest for a podcast but wow people love to not be helpful genuinely very very rarely yeah smart we've done more guest booking in the last three days than we have in what about using the space

in your nostrils for for storing stuff is there a way that we could use some of that You know, it's like, it's a great cavern. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good idea. But what if you sneeze, dude? What if it's something that's good that you sneeze it out? Oh, okay, your keys. Whoa, sneeze the keys into the door?

I'm just imagining you go, you know, I think that's a nice visual. But does this trigger the sneeze? Yeah, he's just searching for his keys. I'm looking for my keys. I know, but that's a great way. If you were storing your keys inside your nose, that would be the best. trigger to implant into your brain.

I mean, I like the idea of not having to implant it into your brain. You just have to make yourself sneeze somehow to get it out. Looking at the sun works for some people. One nostril tomato sauce, one nostril mayonnaise. Oh, that's really good. Yeah, you went for, usually when you throw out a tomato sauce and you're pairing it with something,

people go to mustard. I was waiting for mustard. Really? You've gone for the... Yeah. Because that's hot dog condiments. You know what? They do put mayo on the hot dogs as well in Montreal. Do they do they rock in three sauces? I mean, like ketchup, mayonnaise.

The classic all-dress there is like ketchup, mustard, relish, sometimes mayo, ralice, onions, yeah. A pickled sort of ginger, not ginger, but pickled the cabbage. Oh, that's it. No cheese? No cheese. That sounds super.

It lost me. Cheese goes on the putteen. Oh, yeah, of course. That makes sense. That makes sense. You got to save the cheese for the putteen, yeah. You can also have like a Mexican one where people put like mince and stuff like that on it. Chili dog?

You've had a chili dog. A thing you hate. It's not for me. Jackson, look, Jackson is the most chilly dog-vibed man. Yeah, it's true, but it's... It hates it. Another thing, Jackson hates it, like, does you not believe this? Eggs.

He looks like a guy that would be just rolling around with boiled eggs in his pocket. As a little snack. Independently have said this, that I look like... I look like an egg man, an egg baron. But unfortunately, I'm not... Eggs are gross. They smell like farts. Yeah.

They taste like nothing. I don't know what you're getting out of them. You're not being a fart. The fart guy's also crazy. You're not a fart guy. I'm not a fight guy. It shocks the world. I mean, it's a certain type of guy.

Yeah, it's a certain type of guy. I know. If I... It's crazy. I walked past a fart guy convention. They'd say, you lost? I'm on in. And I'd have to say, fellas, I'm sorry.

I'll come in to say hello. I know everyone here. Of course. I went to the fart guy convention and everyone knew you. It's a good insult And they were asking where you were That's really good Dude, they're asking for you

What if you wanted to go sniff? Why were you at the fuck guy conventions? Dude, I was lost I was looking for the Beautiful Dick convention I was speaking Right, they're having them with the same time

Yeah, not much crossover Not much crossover What are you doing at a fart convention? Sniffing Farts Yeah, what's new in Fart? I think it's about It's about being you It's about being with like-minded people

and doing what you love, which is sort of letting them rip. Yeah, farting and sniffing. Yeah, okay. But, I mean, I don't think the fart guys are all about the sniffing necessarily. Really? What do you think they're about? I mean, they are going like, oh, like that. But I don't think it's about sniffing farce.

I feel like that's outside of the fart guy person. Do you think fart guys and, like, chair sniffing guys are totally different guys? No, I would think so. I think so. I think, like, chair sniffing guys, there's something sinister. Yeah, fart guys are pure, dude. I think fight guys are like, oh, there's a sense of satisfaction at a job well done. Yeah, yeah.

You ate a beautiful meal and now this is the... It's an honesty to the fight guy. Yeah. There's a dishonesty to the chest. Yeah, yeah. It's almost too honest, the fart guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that is true.

There's free speech in court. Does that extent, like, if you're a free speech absolutist, does that include farts? Sure. Do you mean I should be able to fight anywhere? I should be, my fart should be able to say anything. Yeah, is that what you mean? We're going to need to be. I noticed you dipped out of you.

Sorry. Threw that out to us. You're just like, yeah, our fart's free speech, go. I think, you know, I think, I think that is it any sound made by the body, you know, you should be able to make? Is it illegal to fart? And people find farting offensive. And I'm like, I'm sorry, well, I'm sorry if you find it offensive. Is farting in court?

Instead of taking on the, you know, I mean, this feels like a little sketch. Yeah. But in an American court, you know, invoking the Second Amendment. Oh, the First Amendment, I think. Yeah, second is gone. He's like, this is my First Amendment right, and I'm allowed to pack a weapon, which is I do. The right to bear on. The right to bear farts?

Is that the joke with variety? I personally love it. I didn't say that. The Right to bear ass. Oh, that's really good. A misprint in the Constitution. It's kind of like a blurry Christ. The government's trying to take my ass.

Yeah, that is what is it? They're doing false fart operations. Yeah. Take my ass. That's something. The founding fathers just thought that mooning was funny and then it just got lost in translation and ass became arms.

Yeah, oh, they thought mooning was funny and they thought it would be enough to keep the British of American land. Yeah. It's a fart guy who was like let go by his job.

It's a fair work commission. But he's, yeah, he's in court invoking the First Amendment. If you fart, yeah. Right,

say right now, I farted. Yeah. No one's calling the cops. No, he's going crazy there. Yeah. But like it's...

That's going crazy. It's just, it's an offensive action. There's nothing criminal about it. No, I mean... Can legally fart anyway. Can you get Don,

for like in... I don't know. Yeah. How can't I fight? Farts for like a legal gray area. In a cop's hand. Yeah. Why has he got his hand down there?

That's like he wanted to fart. What? I thought he wanted to fart. Well, you know, when you go into prison, they check your mouth and your cheeks and they make you jump up and down in case. You know. Yeah, yeah, they might want to want. They don't check your nasal cavities.

That's true. Oh, shiv. You've got your tomato sauce. If I hired a shiv up there and then I do a big... Am I stabbing myself? I'm boredomizing yourself. I assume we've sort of protected it. We've put a little...

That's smart of us. Well, you then put it in blade first. I think that's the thing. That would be a mistake. I would shred my nose as I did it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Where can't you fart? A really good question. Because everyone seems to think there's a place you're not allowed to do it. I don't think that's true. It's like a Chinese water torture. kind of thing where it's like, you know, I think that you can wear people down. And depending on how sort of horrible it is, you know, I think you could really break people's psyche with it. And I do think you could get fired, right? Like if you were doing it a lot at work,

that's true. They might be like in what, I reckon one mistimed big fart at work could cost you your job. Really? Well, you reckon you call into the office. I don't think you see it missed Mr. Dushche. I don't think it would be hard to go back in. Like I think I would probably quit myself. Quit yourself before you shit yourself, thoughts? I think that's a really good phrase. But in your mind, you do a big fart in the office, right? Well, not in my current job, because that would just be... No, no, I know, but say you worked in an office...

Yeah, if I worked in... You do a huge fart. I as your boss... If I worked in a legal firm? Okay, yeah. I call you in and I say, you know what this is about. Meeting with the clients. Okay.

Boss is there too. We're, I think, because we're like 10th minute into a fart conversation. Yeah, and we've got no sketch ideas? Yeah, yeah. We're playing one and. out right now. We're going to get this fart guy. We're going to get this fart guy. We've got a fart one.

We've written it down. We've got a fart joke. We want to move on. What about three wishes from a genie? That's fertile ground for a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's a really good suggestion? Thank you.

That's fertile ground for rifts for sketches. Well, I mean, look, I hate to know what if this. But I was thinking today, not pre-pre-preparing sketches, hate to do that. I was thinking like what if the first draft of the human centipede was attaching mouths to genitals but everyone just loved it Like, okay, wait, wait

so you saw the mouths onto the genitals Oh, that's the humane centipede. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, he's like, this will show you and everyone's like, this is awesome. Yeah, that's not been the time of my life. I mean, sucked off and sucking. Yeah, actually none of this is bad.

Also, piss is like, I get used to the taste like, like that. Yeah, I mean, you still have to drink piss, I think. Yeah, but that's like, Like a belly full of piss. Who amongst us? Are you happy you aborted the fart rift now? What if the human centipede was good?

Out of a farting place into the... Drinking piss? The drinking pissed place. I think, uh, well... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean... You know what, on the topic? They should invent a UTI for guys. So he's like only girls get them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think in the interest of equality, you know, so they should roll out a new one. Yeah, that's a great idea. How do you get it? In a masculine way, playing footy. Yeah, I was going to say, so... You can get it playing. You can get it praying.

I don't know why. I guess you're squatting down in the mood. You're praying before bed, you're naked. Yeah. The floor is filthy next to the head. It's got heaps of you two, guys. You get it slaying. Yeah.

Um, and, uh... I like that you're riffing on the, uh... The VB, yeah. Which I don't think even rhymes. Yeah. I don't know why I'm making this one, Brian. Well, that also... The reason that people with penises don't traditionally get UTIs

is it's got something to do with the length of the penis urethra. I don't know why I know that. But that was also had me thinking today when I was thinking about the human centipede, but it's good. Yeah, like, and this I don't have anything to go with, but just like, I like the idea of loose urethra. Okay, what's going, like what... You like the idea?

Yeah, I like it. Like a flappity. flopping in the wind like a wind I don't know if that works with a centipede I mean like how maybe Oh no no The two separate though You go back to the centip

When you said the humane centipede The idea that he's I don't know This is not good But the idea that's crazy Because I gave you such a good idea I know well okay He's got a flopperty urethra

But that's the doctor You don't need to tie that pot in We can go to that next Okay okay Yeah I was just picture I mean They're somehow being Tied to somebody that helps them

Oh okay It is in some way beneficial Yeah Yeah, but maybe it's only beneficial for or the person who's like having a really hard time and then this like this other person's like, like you're sewn together but in a hug? Yeah. Spooning?

But then you still got a shit onto their dick. Yeah, that is. Damn, that is a downside. But they clean it away with their piss. Oh, that's true. And also, that does tie into what you just said where it's like, it's only good for the person who needed the support.

Yeah. The person being spooned. That's true. You're shitting on the dick. Yeah, yeah. Like, they're just... It's a slightly nicer human centipede. Which, if you were in a traditional human centipede, you'd be grateful. Oh, God.

It's an improvement. You've got to take, you know, oh, what? So you're complaining now? Yeah. So it's the doctor. He has a change of heart where he's, you know, he sees a movie that's a bit inspirational. He goes, you know what? I got to stop being so cruel to people.

But obviously... He'll be a little bit less cruel. I'm still a mad scientist. Yeah, yeah. Okay, that's... And if this was a sketch, it would simply end with the shitting on the penis, but, like, obviously, not seen and then it will cut to someone being like yeah you're not going to believe this doc

i can't explain it i think i got the first ever u t guy and he's like how did you get that i'm like oh i was i was helping out a friend in a tricky situation and that's the same guy from the yeah but then yeah then you can do your uh famous vb riff so the sketch is it's the humane centipede cuts into guy to doctor's office cuts into vb ad but it's more the first ever u t guy You can get it playing for you. And that cuts straight into Horizontal podcast. Yes.

How many sketches have we done in this hour? I know it started with the famous Horizontal podcast. I think we've done enough. Yeah. I think that I, hey. Yeah. Because I've been dipping in and out

before coming here today. Almost 20. Yeah, you were making terrible time in the first two hours. But then Mason really helped, I think. Really? Yeah. I thought we were doing okay.

You were on like 50. sketches off to like an hour and a half. I think that's good. That's good. Is that good? Yeah. Yeah, that's here till 4 a.m. or whatever. Yeah, yeah. That's horrible. Yeah, we could get almost done by, yeah, in 20 hours. Yeah, I think

so. Yeah. Can we knock one out in the next four minutes? Yeah, I think so. Give you one more. We'll get it to 110, right? Okay, we get to 110. So good. What about where, okay, so Jeannie. I was, oh yeah, sorry. A guy who has sensitive nipples.

I'm laughing already I think sensitive gums was our first But you tell me about this guy's sensitive Because I used to get sensitive nipples Were you a runner? It wasn't around running I think it was around puberty Okay

And apparently this is normal for guys But I had like little hard little pips under my nipples Yeah Whoa What else have this? Why had seeds Yeah like a little nipples seed or something Like in your nipple

Yeah like a little size of a little five cent coin There was like a hard little... Did it just go away? It went away. What was that? You can check if you like. Look. Yeah.

Wow. I once got a really bloody nipple at a water park. Went down a water slide real bad. On hitting one of those joins? How come water parks haven't fixed that join issue? Yeah. I don't know. Something in there, smooth it out.

The rules at water parks are loose. The same water park, same day. I went down, it had one of those big bowls. You know, where you go like, And as I was going down, there was a guy in his son stuck. And he was like, get help! Oh, okay. So, hang on.

So Jackson passed him. How did you get past him? We bumped into him, but he didn't move. Because, I don't know. He was just... What was he stuck on? I don't know. No, you know, it was there with his son.

They looked like shipwrecked sailor. Get out! Him and his boy? Him and his boy. Get help. Did you get help? I don't remember. Yeah, I was having a good time.

Also, I hurt my nipple. Yeah, yeah. I go down again. It's just skeletons of the guys. Oh, it's meant to get help. It's sad that that boy and his son died. Yeah. Yeah, that's right, a boy in his son.

I never go water sliding, but water sliding is my favorite thing in the world. It's the best. Water slides are incredible. Yeah. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it simulates birth. You know, if there's something there and you're like, oh, I feel like a... By the way, why did we just stop with the water birth?

Yeah. You know, why not any other liquids? Milk milk. Milk, yeah, yeah. Oh, pasta sauce. Pasta sauce. Marinar. Oh, Maranara baby.

Marinarab baby. Guarantee an Italian son. Oh, yeah. You want an Italian boy? This is how you do it. But you, sadly, are not Italian. A combination of... Two in the think tank present.

Yeah. Marinarabirds. Okay. This is part of our broader series of, like, speculative Italian stuff. Okay. We've never met an Italian person. No. We don't know what...

Couldn't fathom one. What things are like over there. But here's how we think it might go. Number one, they get birth into a big bowl of Posada. It would be my assumption, yeah. Yeah. End of, they all know Mario. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. My boys have Japanese Day on Monday. Yeah. At school. Every Monday? Remy really wanted to go as Luigi. And I was like, I can see where you're coming from? Okay.

I don't think, I don't know. I don't think Luigi's Japanese. Can you go as, but I mean, Nintendo, right? Oh, Nintendo, I see. Nintendo were, like, probably one of the most famous. No, I think you can go as Luigi, just as long as you... The problem is Louis, I get it, though, because Mario, you'd probably be a little, like,

there's one less step to make. In your brain, you go, Mario, Nintendo, I get it. But Luigi, you have to go, Luigi, Mario Nintendo. Yeah, if I saw a little kid on Japanese, they dress as Luigi, I would have to say Luigi's not Japanese, go home. But Mario, you go. He might be Italian Japanese. That's true.

We don't know about Mario's part. I believe that Mario and Luigi, are racist Italian stereotypes by Japan. But I mean, that's the thing is that they could be... I think it's ruder to say he's Italian. Yeah, well, I think that it's actually... Because I mean, I think Japanese, you know,

there's a lot of not accepting foreigners, you know, in there. And so it could just be that he is, he was raised in Japan, but they just all see him still as Italian. Mario and Luigi are from Brooklyn, New York. Yeah, they're not... They're Italian-American. Whoa. When did they emigrate?

Japanese? When did they emigrate? Is Mario an anglicized surname? I mean, sorry, well, yeah, Mario is the surname. His name is Mario Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. Is that Anglicized when they arrived at Ellis Island, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know the hardships the Mario family went. So do you think it was more Italian? Yeah. Even more Italian than Mario. Even more Italian. Wow. I mean, it doesn't bear thinking about. I think they had the most Italian surname.

Write me a name that is more Italian than Mario Mario. Well, you could fire up Andy intelligence. You're writing more Italian name than that. More Italian. Ten times. We're using all the computing power in the world. Come on with the most Italian name. This name is so Italian that just reading it can kill you.

Much of a good thing. Using all of the world's resources to generate the most Italian name. And then you read it and it kills you? That's awesome. His name is. Write a dad, Alastell. This is a sketch idea. This is good, dude.

Every nation in the world unites. How Italian is this? Let me tell you. It's beyond the human cholerous. It's fatally Italian. Yeah, it's like three times human comprehension. Yeah. Every scientist we've had seen.

That could be the best sketch of the day. I reckon. Oh, you're calling it now? A name so Italian, it kills you. Got any highlights so far? I think that's it, dude. Yeah, that's it for you. I mean, horizontal podcast is in.

second place. It's taking silver, guarantee. I feel like that out of all the sketches brought up today, that's been the most reoccurring as we still

try to figure it out. What do you think about this? What if you got a letter in the news? The news? You got a letter in the printed full page in the Australian.

Okay. And it's that you have been voted the world's most pathetic podcaster. Oh my God. I think that's, I would take that as a mark of pride. Yeah.

I would say that's stiff competition. Yeah, I think podcasting has discovered new ways for people to be pathetic. Like I think we've been exposed, like, it's given us the potential and then also the capacity and then like the sight and sound of people doing things that are pathetic that no one else, never possible in human history. I think the envelope.

Yeah, I think the one thing, I've been following, because I don't know if anyone is aware, but the Austin podcast comedy scene currently going through some issues. You don't even know this existed, is it? The Austin comedy scene? Joe Rogan, your favorite podcast? Is he an Austin comedy scene? Yeah, he started the comedy mothership, which was meant to be a safe space to say fucked up stuff,

and people like, hey, this isn't funny. Yeah, yeah. And then once one person said that, everyone was like, hang on a second. Oh, really? Just saying something that's offensive isn't a joke. So now I started collapsing it on itself. And also Joe Rogan's audience has fallen by like seven. He should go back to Fear Factor.

Yeah. That's where he stood out. That would be such a great mood. Yeah. But I think Fear Factor is starting up again with Johnny Knoxville, I saw. Oh. I know. Great choice.

I finally made a show for me. And Fear Factor famously inspired by Australia's own Who Dare's Winns. No. Exactly. One of the greatest shows of all time. Mike, without Mike Whitney. There's no Joe Rogan. Wow.

Donald Trump probably didn't win the election. Yeah. The direct line between Mike Whitney. I mean, that's a beautiful thing. I'm going to write that down as just like a docu sketch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Like Whitney results in Trump getting a second. And it was literally, it was Mike Whitney being like, here's 20 bucks to eat a wheat bicks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Walking around shopping centers and being like, hi, I'm Mike Whitney. I'm going to, I'm going a bucket of crab. You bloody hand in there and a lot is wrong. The world was a simpler place. Yeah, Mike, 1999 or whatever. Mike was like, goody, everyone. It's me, Mike Whitney.

I'm here with Tanya. Yeah. It's beautiful, and we're at High Point Shopping Center. If I can find someone that's going to jump off the third floor onto this giant mattress, I'll give him a hundred bucks. We've got one guy that's going to organize all of it and do all the safety stuff, and that's enough. Yeah. Yeah.

50 bucks to eat a jug of ants. Oh, dude, he rocks. Bring it back. I think trying to figure out the best ways to eat at jugger ants. It's like it's an eating competition. A lot of ants. of ants. Do you think it would feel like a liquid going down or would it feel just like getting bitten?

Depends how you eat them. I guess if you tip it up like that, but I think that, you know, I think like a hot dog, you just grab a handful and you dunk it in a glass of water. That's smart. And then just try and swallow me. This is my thought. What about a reverse fee factor where you go around a shopping center with a jug of ants and you go give me 50 bucks or I'll eat this jug of ants?

Yeah. A TV show called jug of ants. Hi, I'm Jackson Bailey Welcome back to Jog of Ants I'm here at High Point Shopping Centre I'm gonna find someone If they don't give me 50 bucks I'm gonna eat these jugger ants

I gotta make $200 today To feed my kids Ants aren't cheap I'm gonna make the money to feed my ants My aunts are hungry and angry He basically is living a life That is not that different from a regular aunt Where he has to go and get food

He feed the Queen so that she can give her So he's eating the ants as well. He's also eating the ants. He's a nest at this point. He's full of ants. Oh, yeah. When he lies down, the ants are going in and out of his throat. Oh, I can imagine that at some point, just like the first time he sees like an ant come out of his ear.

He kind of kind of kind of goes, ah, I got to stop eating his hands. How do you feel about this? You see somebody, you're talking to somebody. Yeah. I'm feeling good about it already. Back to this job interview situation. Okay. Talking to your prospective employer. And while you're talking to an ant comes out of there, he crawls around, crawls into

their mouth and they don't react out of their ear again I mean you think it's the same and it might be a different ant I'm just gonna stop you there I just notice an ant come out of your mouth and go into out of your

and go into your mouth what's that about I meant any questions about the job oh he goes actually the ear and the mouth are actually connected sinuses motherfucker

thoughts please don't swear on my office this is a professional environment will you give me 50 bucks or I will Yeah, you've pulled it going out from under the desk. Second question, farts in the office.

Loud? What's our policies? He's just got a big box of ants. Like how many of uses his chundas? Ed's a chunk of ants? Like, it's deep with it. Oh, my God. And it's heavy.

Yeah. That would be heavy. Do you think your next lot of guests are waiting for us to stop talking and they're politely waiting outside the door? Or are they not here? There's a chance they didn't get back from the airport maybe is... That's okay. No, I was.

I'm happy to stay here at dog for hours, whatever. We're getting an Uber from the airport now. Is that we sent you? Oh, come straight in. Surin will get us coffees. Would you like anything? Yeah, I'll just take a... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Strong skinny latte, please, Serene.

I could genuinely use something. Yeah. Just want to jugger ants, please. Just see if they've got a jugger ants. Just see if they've got a jugger ants. What ants would you like to eat? Unfortunately, Jackson, I'm just like a bit of sight. The only thing that this is going to mean is that

We sadly will not make our 12-20 session of Roof Man. That's okay. A movie we were going to go see. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. We can do it on our own as well. We could, okay, look, do you know the movie Roof Man? We could just make the movie Roof Man now. It's a movie called Roof Man.

What do you think a movie called Roof Man is about? I mean, it does. As a guy who barks like a dog. Oh, Roof Roof! That's how a seal barks. Not a dog. Roof Man, I think you mean dog. Are there, is it just seals and dogs that bark?

Yeah. Okay. Actually, some ants, I think. What the fuck? Yeah, I think some ants make a little barking noise. Really? Yeah, I think they go, rah, rap! There is no way ants go, rot, rah.

I'm looking it up. There's no way any ants make a noise. It makes sound. This is a dream you had. I intentionally left my phone in the green room to prevent myself from being tempted to look up stuff like this, so I'm glad you're doing it. Do ants bark. Not do ants eat bark Let's see

Okay wait So roofman I mean roofman could almost be A sort of like the The story The origin story of Rodney Dangerfield Who used to sell aluminium siding Okay

Ciding can you only use that On the side Yeah Like you know Vertical horizontal kind of way Or can you oh yeah Horizontal siding What else could be horizontal

obviously podcast what else widescreen podcast yeah yeah yeah I kind of want to do that now what in your what does it sound like I'd like an impression from you

well no because it's really hard it's hard to do because basically it would just be like okay so I mean people are kind of experiencing it right now yeah hey Matt it's also really really funny

and I didn't notice this watching the stream so I'm just going to reveal it to everyone usually when things are filmed here there's a crew yeah and when I came in there's no one like you've been abandoned yeah this is the end of the world

everyone else is dead and where it's just sending it out to the radios across the country I didn't even realize because I organized this I tacked on to Jackson's time slot so I never got sent the door code so I was ringing the doorbells like what like how do I get in? No one here do I'm and then when I came in I was like

wow this is really vacant speak to the to the quality of this automatic switching yeah it's crazy it's insane it's insane it's insane This is unbelievable It's wild stuff Our next guest is here I think he's gone to go get coffee maybe

Yeah yeah I'd love that Thanks man Yes please Yeah thank you so much I've heard stories of this five shot hot iced coffee Yeah yeah the intense espresso Dere iced coffee

No added sugar though Oh this is not in a This isn't going to the shop and getting an iced coffee. No, no, this was, although there is, uh, in the surrounding sort of areas to hear, there is a place that does an ice coffee.

So it's a cafe that does an ice coffee. That's a frozen bowl of espresso. Mm. Uh, and then they give you hot milk and then you pour it over the frozen bowl. And, uh, every time I've had that, I feel like I'm going,

I just immediately get like the coffee sweats because it's just so much coffee. That's really cool. But it is only one serving, but it does feel like, feels like more. Yeah, that's awesome, dude. Anyway, back to the sketches, I reckon. Yeah, who care. Guys, thank you so much. Hey, no worries.

It's been a blast. It's been a lot. It's been a blast. Having you got a lot. Yeah. Yeah, uh, good luck with the sketches. If we're still up at 6 a.m. and you guys aren't doing anything. Sure. Uh, you know. Well, I, um, I was speaking to Cass before and I was like, well, I got nothing on, because I live with Cass. She's my house, mate. I was like, I got nothing on later. I might just come back with you. And she's like, I don't know if you could do that. I was like, I'll just say that I'm going to do it. And then see what I'm

gonna do, kick you? I don't know if you can do that. You keep, you're just like, I got a lot more fart ideas. I feel like we didn't explore horizontal podcast wide enough.

I made you imagine. It is. Come back at 6 a.m. Sketch, the guys are up to 599. I'm like, it's all right. Vertical podcast.

Horizontal podcasting too. All right. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for having us. Good luck. Oh, look at that wide shop. Whoa.