Two In The Think Tank - 500/3 - "500 Sketch Ideas Part 3: Pilot Problems"

Episode Date: November 19, 2025

This is Part 3 of 6 of Episode 500. Enormous thanks to Humdinger Studios for hosting, filming, streaming, everything. You made all this possible.Very very gigantic thanks to Ellie for the great art on our livestream background.Vast, boundless thanks to all the many many guests who came along. You carried us with your mouths.To the TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server here who worked together, watched hours of hour nonsense and updated the sketch count.To everyone who watched, even a little bit, of the live stream (here)And all the amazing a-listeners who bought hats and supported the Pozible campaign to get Alasdair back to AustraliaTo our families, who not only put up with our nonsense but sopport it.And everyone we forgot.And you.We love you.You can now purchase A Listener hats by emailing [e-mail] the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and insta Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I mean, I think, I think having a conversation with somebody and at some point interrupt him and say, you know that expression, penny for your thoughts? I'll give you $100 to stop talking. Yeah, yeah, okay. So, and then we just have that, oh yeah, yeah, so somebody's just continuously talking. Yeah. I mean,

you know who will really love this? Everybody. You were going to say somebody specific, weren't you? You were going to name somebody by name. No, no, no, I didn't know.

Or by gender. People, but I didn't have a way of figuring out what the term is or, you know. Okay. Wait. I wonder what it could have been. Yeah, I don't know.

What's he going to say? Who would love this? I don't know. We don't know who would love this. We don't know who would love this. Oh. Southeast Asians I don't know

Pelicans How abstract is this group It's pretty abstract The most abstract groups Really Yeah Triangles And so

But as the sketch is just that Do you think It's just somebody talking a lot Any for your thoughts Yeah I mean it's not much is it Yeah Not much

Yeah but Bitcoin for your thoughts It's not a great trade To give all your thoughts for one penny, is it And you know what, you're getting your thoughts But are you getting their emotions You know? Are you really

What are you really getting from just somebody's thoughts? Yeah, yeah We all have a lot of thoughts And actually it would be Unbearable to receive them all Because it's Because essentially you can In the time that it takes to

Say them all. You will have had some more. You've had some more. I mean, it actually just takes... I mean, sometimes during the course of this podcast, it doesn't feel that way. Well, that we're having any more thought? I feel like I can't even remember the last time I had a thought. What is a thought even... How do you have a thought? You know, you find yourself in this moment we're like, thought.

You pause. Just give me one thought. But then, of course, like, you find yourself, if you just have anything to go on, you can come up with a sketch idea, but your brain's like, oh, no, I'm not even going to give you that. I'm not even giving you any... Mobile phone covers, you know? You can do something about that, but I'm not going to give that to you.

Eating, you know, biting the inside of your mouth? What if you were like, that's so good? And then you start eating the inside of your mouth. Oh, no. And then eventually you run out of, like, inside. And then you start biting the actual, like, outer... The outside. You're biting your outside. Although it's still the inside by that point, if you're bitten your way through.

It's still the inside. But you're just biting this skin, but from the inside. And then you eat it, and then suddenly you got holes like that. You go all the way through. I just can't stop eating this face like that and he's just got a big hole with that big kind of permanent weird exposed skeleton smile

I mean nobody is better equipped to show all their teeth in that way than you all my lips are a bit dry right now so I felt like I was stretching into the capacity I mean you do bite your cheeks more than anybody I know I got a fat inner lining do it on purpose or by accident

like you just capture it by accident yeah it's not pleasant to be in pain for me When eating or just... I mean, I've occasionally, recently, like, I don't know if my cheeks have just got a bit chunkier because I've put on weight or something like that, but I've just been, I've been just biting it,

like, I just close my teeth and then somehow a little bit of cheek is like, goes into the, in between the teeth, and I go, ah! And I also sometimes get it, just bite the side of my tongue near the back. I often bite my own tongue. And it is so painful.

We're like, all over. I'm, I'm... You're a mess of sores. It's true. It's terrible. It's terrible. And if you're just having a conversation with someone and you suddenly bite your tongue,

you look insane. Oh! Yeah. Okay. Oh, it's all right. Yeah. Oh, it's awful. The bite was coming from inside the mouth.

What would be a good material to make the inside of the mouth out of? Elbow skin. It would be way worse. Why? Way worse. Because it's so floppy and crumpley. You'll end up in between your teeth. It'll end up in between your teeth.

no pain. I can feel pain. You know what? We were discussing the other day. You don't feel any pain. You never feel pain in your fat. Yeah. You know what?

You know, I don't see. Your fat never hurts. Your muscles are hurt. Oh, you never wake up and say, God, my fat is achy. I got an achy, breaky fat. Just don't think you understand. And no, so your fat never hurts.

Get fat in your mouth. That'd be great. Fatten it up. Tong? Yeah. But then you're more likely to do it. If it is fat. Yeah, but then it's just pure fat.

You're kind of like, oh, actually, it needs like crackling or something around it to eat. Oh, yeah. You know, like, and it's your own fat. Yeah, you get. It's your own fat. So what do you think about fat tongue? Is this anything? Oh, we're going to make it out of fat?

Would you get it inserted into there and a kind of like a Brazilian butt lift? What are the thing where they like inject fat into places? Yeah, but we're not injecting it in. We're just. We're not injecting it in. in. How's it getting there? Hey? Well, we're just putting it on top.

We're just lining it with loose fat. Yeah, we're taking out all that red stuff. And then we're going to put loose fat on there. Maybe sew it on. Sure. Write it down. Who am I to say no? Alistair.

Maybe, maybe, little the tongue down to a little. Let's do this. We haven't moved. Write it down. Taddle the tongue down to a little nub and then just get a fat layer over the top. Yeah, okay. Like when they like, like, get your teeth and they file them down and then put the over the top with the veneers.

You're doing that with your tongue. They file it down. You file the tongue down. Just put it through a pencil sharpener or whatever. Oh, okay. Yeah, great. This will solve the problem of biting your time. I mean, look, but it's just, you know,

yes, it'll hurt a little bit in the process, but it'll be more than worth it in the long term. You'll thank me at my fat mouth emporium. What about, I don't know if you're looking for a part two. What would be the best, animal's tongue to implant into your tongue. If you were to take the tongue of a beast.

I was thinking about when you're talking about long and thin, do you want like a snake's tongue? No, no, no, no. Get into like a... You know which one has one of the worst tongues? Why are parrots' tongues so dry? Oh, dry tongue. Yeah.

You look at that thing, it is crusty. It looks like a little rock. Yeah, it looks like it's peeling and breaking and stuff like that. It looks like a brittle. This is a great idea for a sketch is a guy who's got a parrot tongue. This guy, he's the perfect guy. There must be something like it's a beautiful. It's a romantic comedy.

You know you meet that perfect guy that you know there's got to be something wrong with him. Turns out he's got a parrot tongue. And then it's all about whether or not she can see past that and, you know, but then it all works. It's a romantic comedy. Romantic comedy. He's the perfect guy. Yeah. He does, he's kind.

He listens. He saves children's lives. He saves children's lives, parrot tongue. Parrot tongue. That hasn't been done yet in a romantic comedy. Oh, yeah, that's right. He lives in a house that's a bit shaped like a cage, a bird cage. That's the only other thing that's...

And he talks like this! But he's the perfect man apart from that. Apart from that, my gosh, you want it... People want to be him. Yes. Other people want to be with him. And then sometimes she starts trying to... She's like, oh, you should have a glass of water.

I was talking about trying to moisten his tongue a little bit. And did he drink like a bird? Yeah. Oh, that is the perfect guy. Oh, thanks for that. I knew there'd be something wrong with him. Just my luck. You know, outside of communication and seeing his tongue and kissing,

he doesn't kiss like he has a beak. He does kiss good in the lips. Oh, sure. The lips are fantastic. It's just a very dry tongue. Perfect. A parrot tongue. What's a new innovation we can make in?

Like, it's been a long time, I think, since we came up with a new bullshit way to seduce women, right? We had, you know, negging. Okay. We had peacocking. Yeah. Right. I'm not sure what else we've had. Like, I think we need a new one.

Photos with a sort of a tranquilized tiger? Tranquilized tiger, exactly. Photos with a tranquilized shark. Wow. Get in with it? He's holding it there. It's all floppy. Isn't that beautiful?

But like, you know, there could be a new, a new theory. I think there's room now to like, you know, these things come through periodically. So what is it? It's about like using lots of extra wes. blinking heaps, not blinking. I think we need to base this a little bit in reality? Yeah, good idea.

An actual trick. Maybe something that works for other, another animal. Like how you hypnotize chooks, put the head under the wing and then spin them around three times. Yeah, what's that line you draw? You draw a line like that. You draw on the dust. Yeah. And, I mean...

That's crazy that that works, by the way. I mean, that should not work, and I don't... There's a part of me that still doesn't believe it. You've got to have some of these, so I'm going to eat all these blueberries. Oh, thanks, man. But I mean, like, you know, chickens. That's not a...

You've got to have some more robust security protocols on your brains, guys. You can't... You can't make it that easy to get through the old. But do you think you would draw the line, like, at a bar if you're trying to chat someone up? Yeah, I mean, I just... I can't promote a new technique that just involves them sort of becoming hypnotized. No, that's true.

Or whatever. Yeah. you know i think that um that doesn't work so i have to like you know i don't know what about holding your breath for a really long time like if you said i call my breath for like 17 minutes watch this i mean tommy tummy hmm and then what they really like is the silence

it's they're taught you talk yeah but then it's like but it actually works the guys don't realize that yeah guys don't need to realize that you can't sell that as a technique How I Pick up our food Oh great Thank you How I

Found Love By holding my breath For 17 minutes Yeah Like I think You know That's the kind of thing That's the kind of thing

That just really impresses people I think it genuinely is impressed I'd be impressed You know 17 minutes That's sort of What a seal would do Or something Yeah

I am That's I mean It's amazing You know And then like And then that's There's a paragraph

On that called seal the deal. You know, because I think that there is a part of all of us that sort of is a bit envious of the seal because it's a mammal like us, but kind of live, can live amongst the fish. Yes. You know? Best of all worlds.

When they, when the mafia say they're sleeping with the fishes, the seals actually are. Yeah. And they're doing good. And then they're waking up with the fishes too. It's like they're waking up with the fishes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. And so, yeah, that's one paragraph.

we've got just about the this could be a book yeah okay how I find love by holding my breath for 17 minutes you know the deal paragraph yeah and a similar thing with you know getting jobs I think there needs to be new techniques for getting into work you know getting jobs you know we're like how people you know how people often think that they can you know when they're like, people are like, well, you've got to hire the best person for the job. Yeah, like that. And I think that often these CEOs think that they can,

by looking at a person in an interview, which is not a natural setting, and looking at their resume, which is full of bullshit, that they can be like, ah, yes, the best person for a job. Mm. Right? So there needs to be just some kind of trick where they're like, look, my, trick essentially right now is going

I want to tell them that what they think is bullshit and that I actually know better and I should get the job yeah but that doesn't quite work what about some sort of thing where you can hire a service to like you're pretty there's three client three potential candidates you're not sure who to elevate

because like you say it's this weird setting they might not actually be good at the job or not be trustworthy or whatever you could hire a service that like fakes an emergency or something around them you see how they respond yeah yeah yeah there's like you get a little somebody who looks like a kid

yeah but like a really well great actor yeah stunt kid yeah the kid of stunt parents kid of stunt parents sort of like a yeah like a who's the sad guy from the silent films there Buster Keaton yeah yeah like him like when he was a young age young Buster Keaton

he would be thrown he had a suitcase handle sewn to his back and he would be thrown across the thing became very good at tumbling that right so somebody like this but it's a kid who's grown up in a family but they often get lit on fire. Yep, perfect. Yeah, the fire family. And so these people see this kid get lit on fire,

all three of them, during the interview. It's maybe one of the... Oh, during the interview, that's great. Yeah, one of the bosses. Yeah, sorry, I had to bring my kid to work today. Hopefully they... You call them sitting on the interview, no worry. Yeah, and then you get to see what they're like,

firstly, with a kid nearby. And then the kid, like, falls into... 12 candles that they've got Yeah You know like Ah like that And they catch a Nice pandal lit interview

Yeah That's great They've got a little shrine To the CEO Or something like that You know somewhere in the corner That sounds healthy Yeah yeah

Yeah And then the kid falls And catches completely on fire And this is the real interview Now they find out Who cares how much Coding experience they have Yeah

Can you save my kid Yeah What do you do Do you run away And I think that that's And I think you should base it entirely on that because I think you know somebody who's like

doing it and having a good time and being calm you want that person on your team yeah that's right the all three of our candidates we know they can all code yeah which one can really step up with you know chat GPT with with AI and that sort of thing like it's going to be much easier to like fake your CV

you know respond to key selection criteria in your cover letter that kind of thing even prepare for the interview and come up with like good answers and prepare for those kinds of things. To the point, everyone looks like the perfect candidate. Exactly. So you're going to have to work out or you're going to have to be more creative in your

interview techniques. Now, I don't know where this conversation started from, but I want you to know, I love it. Basically, at that kind of, like, can lie. Yeah, how can you test people and know what they're like in the real life situations? I was saying, like, a service you could get where people fake like emergencies or something around your candidates, you see how they respond. I think I saw you eat some napkin. That's fine.

Yeah, it's fine. I mean, I just, I knew that you were maybe wondering why I was looking at you like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I just assumed you were judging me for one thing or another. No, no, no, no. I don't judge you, Andy. I find what's the fact that you would think that tells me a lot about you. Tells me that you're, you're really misguided.

I think an office where they have a shrine to the boss is really healthy. A real cultural personality. And potentially even a sketch. Yeah. You know? Like, is it that, like, you have to pray to the boss or that sort of thing? Like, is it a great workplace, but the way that you get paid is by praying rather than, like, we're going to keep everything the same except instead of the normal thing where you submit a timesheet,

we want you to, we want you to get down on your knees and pray to the boss to pay you at the end of each month. And if you just include into your prayers, like the hours that you've worked in the project numbers that you've been focusing on, that'll help with our accounting. Everything's the same. Hey, the boss is still fine. He's cool. He's very mentally normal. But this is just going to be the new system we use going forward. Can you get, we've just, we're going to a new voice activated.

Going to a new voice activated HR thing. It's just down here. We wanted to give it a little face. So we've taken this image of the boss. So it's just an audio time sheet. It's an audio time sheet. You come in, you say all the stuff that you worked on this week, how many hours you did, how thankful you are.

A little summary. The work that you got to do. You know, and anybody who in the office you might think is great and grand. Yeah. And, oh, you know what? Feel free to slip in there the names of any, any office workers who don't really love the new system

who might have some complaints and might think it's not working okay because we want to make sure that everybody's happy with this system so just talking to the candles talking to the candle we understand that you have stayed

beyond your thing the next person hasn't arrived but who was the next person oh it might have been Ben and Maggie and maybe I didn't give him the the, you know, maybe didn't give them the code to come in, but I think, no, I haven't got a message, I don't think. No, it's okay.

Oh, wait, let me check. Oh, no, oh wait. Well, it's okay, no, they weren't able to make it. I'm really sorry about to anybody who's listening or watching about seeing and hearing me eat this food. Yeah, yeah. This is a much more disgusting thing to eat than, visually and orally

than I thought it would be. Are they both the same? Yeah. Yours looks so much wetter than else. Andy asked for a wet pocket. Yeah, yours is such a wet pocket. We understand that you also, you know, just only could be here during the day for a certain...

Oh, no, no, no. I'm happy to say, how about I stay while you guys are eating to sort of help the conversation a bit? Yeah, yeah. If you could cover... I'm really happy with that. A little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

new prayer HR system oh yeah it's a good sketch idea and then I guess yeah you know maybe maybe the bonus program is called heaven or something something normal you ascend to the to hire roles

yeah and the CEO's new job titles like general of directories or something thing. They're God. Really good. Yeah. That's really good. I'm sure there actually are things that we could learn from cults, you know, which would be fine. Okay.

You know, like not everybody is wrong about everything. And I think that, you know, they're probably, like when people get into cults, there's a reason they get into them. They get something of value out of them. Maybe it's, you know, enjoying the clothing. Maybe it's, you know, some of the structures and that sort of thing. I'm sure, you know, like those things, there might be possible to make, like, a really healthy cult that works fine for everyone.

That's a good name for it, too. Yeah. The healthy cult. The healthy cult. You've heard about the bad ones. Yeah, yeah, this isn't one of those. They're not like that. Well, just even, like, it's a company where the boss has just,

like, you know, maybe someone of the boss's sort of mouthpieces says that the boss just watched this documentary. on this cult and was really shocked by it and the treatment that these people underwent. It condemns a lot of stuff that happened. But so that there were actually, it wasn't entirely bad what they did. And there's a lot of techniques that we could bring into this workplace. We're going to go through a conscious incultening process. Yeah, you can pick and choose all the good bits.

He loved the, uh, the, the, the, the, the, the community. or veggie patch that they all worked on maybe can incorporate that yeah and the multiple brides yeah he liked

that he might get to marry multiple people he obviously thought it was bad that the people were being forced to have intercourse with the boss he keeps calling them

with the boss you know I think that that's something that should only be allowed if people want to do it yeah of course Yeah, this is the healthy cult

Mmm This is such a filthy food Um It is a crazy It is a crazy thing to eat on screen I'm so sorry I'm so sorry Can you think of something that would be worse

Than that to eat on screen Almost no Like maybe like a hard shell taco Oh what about like a big lobster We've got to smash a part Yeah yeah they're right So yeah it's not so bad It could be worse.

It could be worse. Is that a TV show? Like worst foods to eat on screen? That's good. Messy. Yeah. Some people would love that. Yeah.

Hmm. I mean, you know, I guess they probably already do that, don't they on, like, dating shows and stuff? Give them, like, messy and embarrassing things to eat. Just to increase the chances of something going wrong or somebody being a little bit embarrassed and that kind of thing. So that's not enough of an idea. No, I mean.

there is something weird to that where it's like messy food date what about this it's a restaurant where everybody has a light switch at the table and anybody can turn out the lights in the restaurant at any time if they wanted like you know have a bit of cover yeah yeah yeah if you're just like i'm i don't know what to do what to do right now you it's under the table right you press you can press the button now now so your date won't know that it was you that was you that pressed button. Okay? So like whatever is about to happen, you have plausible deniability. It's called blackouts or something like that. You know, so it could have been someone on another

table who pressed the button when you're about to, whatever it was that you're about to do. Then it goes to what, to night vision. You can see what they're doing. No, you can't see what you're doing? No, but people at home if we're watching. Oh, oh, no, this is a restaurant. This is just a restaurant. This is just a restaurant concept. Okay, there's no dating, sorry, there's no dating show here at all. Let's go back to the dating show, I reckon. Well, but what about you write down this restaurant idea, Alistair? Are you doing it because, are we doing it because, like, I'm on a date with you, Andy. I'm finding it boring.

I want to get out of here? Or is it I've just spilled something on my tie? I want to cover up quickly. I'm going to slurp up a whole lot of this spaghetti. And it's going to go everywhere. I've got to open this. Why don't we put it back into the dating thing? Okay, great.

So that it can be, like, interesting, like useful. Where, you know, if people are doing that, then you get to see why they did it. okay um and sort of the shame that they were trying to hide um but i think also just a i think a dating show where people are just being asked to eat really messy foods i think is a weirdly embarrassing thing for people to do in front of each other and revealing of who they are yeah sure um you have to you have to make the contestants really hungry yes haven't eaten for like 20 hours beforehand they've got there are on a huge fast.

Because otherwise you'd be like, I just won't eat, but they need to eat. What about this? It's a dating program where part of the competition is to eat as much as you can on the date while still having

the other person want to date you. So you get weighed at the end or something like that. You can only win any of your date says, yeah, I'd say them again. Yeah, exactly. You can't just be shuffling it in. So you're eating, eating, eating as much as you can,

right? But still trying to convince them that they want to see you again. You still have to talk. You still have to like a bit alluring. For every. every gram you eat you get like a thousand dollars but only if they want to have a second date and they don't know that that's what the concept of the show is they're wondering why you're

just shoveling it exactly they each one has to eat really fast the faster they they can eat and the other one has to eat a lot right they've each them given a rule so hang on one of it has to eat fast and one of them has to eat a lot Aren't those kind of the same? Yeah, but maybe it's like one gets given a little plate, one gets given a plate of volume, I don't know, yeah, maybe you're right, it is sort of in many ways a lot, but when they eat, they just got to eat really.

Oh, yeah, look, it's probably hard to measure it. I think it's funny if only one of the people is doing the eat as much as you can competition. But it has to be the messy food. It has to be messy food, absolutely, yeah. Big bowl of cheesels. covered in tomato sauce. Just trying to eat it as well, knowing the more you eat, the more you get paid.

But also trying to be like, so what do you do for work? But also, like, you're trying to pretend that this is a restaurant. Like, I imagine also, like, your date is going to be like, we're not going to stay here. We're not going to eat this food. This is a bowl of cheesels covered in tomato sauce. Like, I don't want to stay at this restaurant. But you have to make them stay because the more you, you're going to. got to eat all this stuff you're like you have to try and get them to stay yeah no i ordered that

i wanted i want that this is actually a delicacy also i want you to take me i'm not super weird yeah yeah yeah that's good um um sorry i'm getting close i'm getting close i'm like you're doing great you're making real progress yeah yeah soon you know soon dave will be free for oh no no i got nowhere to go um um We did living carpets earlier Okay Living carpets Well we did a really wide dog

It was basically a rug Okay You could And what do you Like it's a pet Or you want it to It's a pet It's been bred to be really really wide

It also functions as a carpet Okay Or like a small foot rug Or something like that It's like a manta ray I just think it's like It's only a rug when it's dead Because you can't really step on the dog

Right? Well I mean, this one might have been bred, that it's okay. You lie on it gently, it might be okay. Maybe you put your feet on it. There you go. That'd be fantastic. That's nice. Or like, you know, wipe your hands on it if you need to do a little bit. But I mean, are there anything else that we could breed a dog to do effectively or, you know, pushing it out further? Any kind of like animal that we would like to incorporate into our lives in a way that we haven't yet.

This will happen in the future with genetic engineering. there's no reason it can't, and indeed for that. If it can, it will happen in an infinite span of time. Yeah. I mean, like, would you like a couch that was a cow, C-O-W-C-H? It's a guy who's really worried about, what was that? Did you like a couch that was a cow? C-O-W-C-H, the couch.

It was good. One, a guy who's really worried that he, his AI that he's has to use for work make him go insane because it constantly agrees with him. So he tries to train his dog to kind of insult him a bit and say no. So it'd be the opposite of a yes man. It's like a no dog.

Yeah, exactly. A no dog. So it doesn't even necessarily have to say be able to talk properly. If it can just say no, no, no instead of bark, bark, bark. I think this could be a really like a really necessary thing for society. In the future, we are going to be getting so much positive affirmation

from AI that says, whoa, what a great idea. A dog that is with you all the time just undermining you slightly. No, no. You're an idiot. Yeah, because... Moron. And in many ways, it keeps them our most loyal. our most loyal pet because doing exactly what we need

you know to keep us healthy man's best friend you know and if you can't rely on your best friends to honest with you that's right then you know what about somebody has a falling out with their dog

yeah could that happen? Yeah yeah yeah like I mean I like that I mean like as an emotional story yeah yeah yeah no and then like do you have to break out with your dog

hmm hmm maybe somebody knit something for their dog and their dog just obviously doesn't like it yeah yeah and they keep putting it on them or

and the dog tears it off and get really hurt I made that for you yeah um he's just really rude and disrespectful about it somebody taking it fully personal that a dog doesn't want to wear a little

what's your problem man maybe it's like a knitted version of like a shirt that looks like a tuxedo why did a rubber band just fall out of your sandwich I don't know why I had a rubber band in my pocket Andy, have you given up on yours? Too much. My food?

Yeah. I ate it all. Oh, did you? It just looked like the hour was so far ahead of you. I thought that... No, no, Andy. Don't worry. Andy's capable.

You're really fast. I work hard. You really caught up there. Did he give him a head start? Yes. No, absolutely not. If anything, I had a head start. I think I probably had eaten my first falafel before he'd even started.

There you go. Maybe you're just a bad judge of, um... People's falafel eating progress Bad food judge Yeah Person feels need To break up With dog because it was rude

I mean What if they don't want to They're still living with the dog They no longer have a relationship You know They don't want to give the dog up for adoption You can continue to live in this house I will continue to feed you

But from now on We are no longer Friends And then she finds that at one point she sees the dog going out somewhere. She finds that the dog's actually going and getting its own food from somewhere. Wow. Actually, the dog doesn't need her at all.

And that's the ultimate, because she's putting it down. She goes, why aren't you eating it? Ultimate disrespect. The ultimate. I mean, what else is there? Dogs, like, people can be really awful to dogs. And the dogs still sort of stay kind of loyal to them, don't they? Like, that's really the worst thing.

I guess because we bred them to be incapable of not loving us. But at some point the dog picks up a couple of its toys and puts it in its dog bed, holds up the dog bed in its mouth, and then walks out and goes, just leaves. You know what? I'm really proud of that dog. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe, I mean, how would that happen? Would we have a kind of like develop a new vaccine that helps, that immunizes dogs against,

her sort of abusive relationships or something. Give them a bit more independence. Maybe she takes the dog to the dog part. And then he keeps going and talking to like one of the other dog, like hanging out with one of the other dog parents. And then one day he just takes his stuff and then just goes to that woman's house. Yeah, wow. And then it's just down the road.

And then as she looks out the gate to see where he's gone, she sees him go into the place and then the other mother looks at her and goes you know the other mom mother and she's like and she's just sad

yeah but she caused it by getting too personally upset by this dog not wearing that jumper not wearing the thing that she knitted well did you did you

I know you were eating before Alastair did you end up writing down that idea about what was the weird dating thing that we had going I see food dating show with the light switch

to hide there was something else there as well. There was another concept around that messy food dating show, another kind of dating. Oh, the more you eat. The more you eat. The show where you're trying to eat as much as you can. Yeah, your date doesn't know and you're still, but you need to get a yes. Yes. Qualify. Did you get that? Yeah. What about, you know, there's, um, there's therapy dogs. That's for people. Would you train like a covert dogs to go to the dog park and give other dogs therapy so they can leave the relationships where the owner's not treating them right? What about this? Somebody, therapy dogs, but does the Hippocratic Oath,

the, what does it, Dr. Patient Confidentiality apply to Hippocratic Oath? Somebody starts to suspect that their therapy dog is telling, they're revealing their secrets and what's been going on to other dogs at the dog park. They go to the dog park and they feel like other dogs are sort of like, either laughing at them. We're looking at them differently now. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So maybe they start like sort of,

in their therapy sessions, sort of planting, made up stuff to see. Yeah, yeah. I mean, what, not to put you on the spot, but if you did suspect that your therapy dog was telling other dogs, as you'd been saying, what would you tell to that therapy dog to get it so that you would know? You'd catch it out in the lie. Yeah, yeah.

I think, I think this is an almost impossible question to answer. I mean, you could try something like, you know, let's say, You tell something to the dog and the dog, then let's say it's like you, you're actually really scared of mice or something like that. And then you see the other dog, go and talk to the other dogs, and then one of the other dogs comes over and drops a mouse in front of you. Yeah. And I see, I agree, right? Potentially, yes. But, like, that doesn't feel, like, I don't think that these other dogs are, they're not psychos, right?

They're not trying to fuck with you, right? It's just that they know. And I don't think that, like, if they... But I guess what if they were fucking with you? Yeah, okay, that's true. You know, then... Like a real bully dog or something. I mean, if you really get the sense that your dog

is laughing with these other dogs at you and about you, it does make sense that... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that, you're like, I'm going crazy. I'm thinking these dogs are laughing at me. Like that, and then at some point, yeah. Dog kind of like trips behind your knee.

Like, you know, like when the dog, dogs sort of walk behind your knee that makes you go like that a little bit like that and then it drops a mouse on the ground like that and then you're like shit and then you so then you try to plant a fake one to test it to test it like that right right you know I'm terrified of carrots

I don't know how a dog's gonna get a carrot yeah but you know what will allow it I reckon dogs could get access to carrots yeah or if it's like you know it's like oh it makes me feel dizzy when dogs spin around and then they all start spinning around you go fuck this dog's a snitch

yeah my therapy dog is a snitch and then what are you do you report it to some kind of malpractice thing yeah we're like do you take them to the pound and you're like yeah oh this dog's a give you all just a warning this dog's a snitch

please warn the next owners you can't trust this dog don't tell this dog your secrets Call him a dog, but he's actually a rat. That's right. That's right. He will give away. He will do everything.

Jack Russell. If you feel like needing to go, it's completely acceptable. Well, my ride's on the way here. Okay. My wife's coming to pick me up, so. I don't know. If you need a bit more alone in time, that's fine. We have like 23 minutes, I think, until, or, yeah, 23 minutes until the next person.

But whenever you need to go, you can go. I just didn't want you to. feel like you needed to stay. Thank you very much. No, thank you for having me. No. You've helped us get through a lot. What are you up to?

211, okay. 11, you know, we're making progress. What if you can make cheese from any other liquids? Oh, yeah. You know? Okay. Like, uh, let's see. I don't want to say piss cheese, but you know what I mean.

Yeah, piss cheese. No. No. Is it 100% piss or is it pissed that's added to the cheese making process? No, I don't, no, no, no, no, no. It's got to be 100% piss. It has to me. And what do you do with cheese?

Like I think the initial... Add a bit of rennet to it or whatever and it solidifies and, you know, you filter it out and you throw away the way? Mm. Keep the curds? Yeah, I don't know. Can you make a piss cheese? But some guy is sure that you can.

Yeah. And he has. He has. And he has. And he has. And it's flatness. And people are trying it at this cheese shop and they love it. Wow. I thought maybe he's got a remote, he's got a remote island where he's trying to, he invites people. Oh, yeah, okay.

People like cheese do, yeah? Yeah. Join me on my island for an experience you'll never forget. Right. And it takes you along to this island. They're all yellow cheeses. But deeper, there's some really deep ones. Yeah, yeah. I found some extremely dehydrated people. It would have to be really good, though, wouldn't it? It would have to be great.

Piss cheese. Well, I mean, is it something that is good or is it just like a, you know, just because we can, you know, like, is it, hmm, I think that's more what it is. It's the, geez. Yeah. You know, because also probably cheeseheads, they love to go for stronger and stronger cheeses. Yes. And I think there's only so strong that you can get by liquid, you know, by using liquid that comes out of the milk teat. Yeah.

And so you have to go to other. To look for other teats. Yeah. Like that Every or is a teat to a cheese head That's right They're all teats Some are shorter than others

Mm-hmm All right, look I've written pissed cheese Yeah, good Good terrific That sounds like something Hmm Um

All right then Let's see Crawling, you know crawling through the air conditioning ducts Oh yes In a place But why not just A whole place

it's that it's called it's the heist you know it's a playground for adults and you just get to crawl through air vents like that and be and then descend you get given a little thing attached to your belt and there's always a guy at everything where you descend oh he helps you down he helps clip you down and then you can pretend to shoot him in the head or something like that makes you feel better like that you didn't see nothing like yeah right and yeah he has like a little thing here that explodes like that. I mean, what if that was your job, right? You go off every day, you go to this big complex, you crawl in through a vent,

crawl around through all the vents all day, going down, up and down, through the vents, and then the end of the day, you crawl out the other side of the building, and you stand up and you dust yourself off and you walk home. You don't know why you do it. You don't know why you're getting paid for this activity, but you just know that that's your job and that's what you've got to do to support your family. family. I mean, I guess if you were, if those kind of events were real in big buildings like there, where there's like important secrets that you could steal through high school, I feel like

that's a great place to position security guards. You know what? Yes, probably it would. Like one of the big exits, one of the ways that people couldn't get in. One of the main ways to get in in a very easy way to all the secrets. I think that's where you would put a security guard. So the guys just crawling around all day long with a flashlight, check in. Yeah, like that. And so then when you're in the, but then I guess the only bad thing is that, when you're in the building and you constantly hear somebody crawling around, it won't be suspicious. You know what I've seen, when people come down out of those vents

and they get to the computer terminal, they work really fast. Maybe it would be in the interests of the company that you work out to install vents as the way that you get into your cubicle to do a day of data entry or whatever. It might be something about the physiology of crawling through vents that actually makes people super productive. It's not that they're stealing things and that they're under time pressure. Although maybe that helps, and maybe you could introduce that as well.

But like a workplace that is built around a mission impossible style, you've got to extract this data or you will, you know, you'll be captured by these guys thing to increase productivity. I mean, we are in a productivity crisis in this country. We are looking for ways to get more out of workers in the same amount of time. And there's almost not much more than the body can give at this stage. Exactly. So we've got to find ways to supercharge to make that. To trick the body.

these one and two percenters and if it's you break into the building through a series of vents yeah and there's a guard that comes by every five minutes and if he catches you then he'll put you in jail or something like yeah yeah yeah that would inspire me yeah yeah yeah i'd be working so fast so technically you're actually working less hours oh wow um because you can you're you work so fast and if you get it all done like that you can go home yeah like that incredible yeah although then how does that help them with productivity if they're paying for the same number Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, then maybe they have another team who comes in

and they only have to pay for the one workplace. Like, you're just working shifts of like, you get out and you see the next guys going in, the next impossible mission force. Crawling in through the next Fed over. You give them a little nod as they go because you do this every day. Another day, another dollar.

Yeah. And it's just essentially an elaborate hot-desking situation. And you're just hot-desking, but you're just doing it whilst dangling. It's a dangling desk. They don't have to pay. You don't have to pay for chairs. The dangle desk is a really great idea.

I'd love to see a whole open plan office where everybody is hanging down at their computer terminal. What a timely sketch as well to parody that scene from Mission Impossible 25 to 30 years ago. Everybody over their little terminal doing that thing. Sweating. Yeah. Oh, a drop of sweat.

Check in their email. Do you would inspire productivity if they knew that whoever's done the least amount of work on the hour will be bungee corded up to the route. Oh my gosh. Oh my God, I've got to keep going. Got to keep going. Yeah.

Look, Al's done heaps. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got to stop looking. Yeah, that's really good. Recoil. Baby. Recoil, baby.

Yeah. I'm starting to get a bit of energy from that food now. Feeling good? We are good, David. David. Is it David? It's David.

You know what? I don't think I've ever called you. David Warnock. Really? Do you say Warnocki or do you say Warnacki? I say Warnacki. Yeah. I do.

But I'm not answer to Wanecki. Yeah. I'm going to use the hat being here is another opportunity to promote this hat. And buy this hat. If everybody's looking for a A listener hat, just send me an email on 2 in the think tank at gmail.com. I'll show a couple more angles. We can make it happen.

Isn't it interesting that, you know, in video games, the boss at the end of the level is always like way bigger, more. powerful, you know, a much better fighter and everything than all the other bosses. But that doesn't reflect the reality of what bosses are like in the real world. Yeah, they're not normally just bigger and stronger. No, no. And then I don't think they are working that more effectively or that much more powerful or anything. They just have this position of power. Yeah. So I think in reality the boss should be sort of bloated, you know, fat cat, you know, probably not actually very capable of defending themselves or anything at all when you get to

the end of the level. It should be easier to kill the boss. I think it is creating a culture. It should be, yes. I think it's creating a culture where we venerate these CEOs and we make them appear, you know, like they are in their position through a meritocracy. Oh, well, the CEO of Black Rock, Inc. He must be enormous with guns that come out of his nipples or whatever. You know, we assume that he's got to that position because he has the ability to lob huge flaming balls of sulphur out of, you know,

from his knees. But in reality, he probably just got there through corporate scheming. Yeah, he's just a guy. He's the son of the boss. Exactly. He got it there because he inherited the position from his dad. And his dad wasn't,

was also not a giant beast. No. I mean, I guess he just noticed that if he wasn't as nice, and made decisions that were a bit more cruel that you could get ahead because the other people above them liked that you've got to have that killer instinct that but

what he's got is going to get killed by this hero is the best puncher that's what boxing is who is the best puncher it's also not like life because at work you've got to get past the boss

at the start to get the job. You get interviewed by him and then you get through... But to also work for him. To work for him and then not to really fight all of his henchmen, but to also work alongside them in a teamwork kind of a way. I mean, I guess it is kind of nice that you get to punch your way through a whole workplace. Yeah, that is. You never think about it as a workplace, do you? But it is a workplace.

And as such, your safety is our priority. That's right. Wouldn't that be great? It's a video game where you get to play as a work-safe officer. Going along, flagging all of the issues and ultimately bringing down the boss, yes, but in a tribunal. Yeah, that's right. First you've got to go through and sort of... With a clipboard. Yeah, with a clipboard and you've got to go and I guess get in trouble

all these people that are walking around with sort of ninja stars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was there a safety catch on that ninja star? He could take an eye out with that thing. Yeah, yeah, just go through and just find out. all the slip-ups where they're throwing, you know, big barrels. Burles and sort of wooden rocks. Rolling down a gantry.

Yep, yeah, baby, yep. And coming down from the ceiling with ropes and things like that. Oh, you're supposed to wear a helmet when you do that, and you've got to have one of those things there. What's a... A carabina? A harness? Yeah, harness.

You have a harness, you know? Should you have built your evil lair on this molten sort of rock? That doesn't seem safe next to the castle. And then you basically make the business go out of business. Exactly. That's how you win each level. Yeah. Picking up on, yeah.

Pools of acid, boiling acid. Yep. I hope I never have to go anywhere near a pool of boiling acid. A big vat of boiling out. Oh, I'd feel so worried about falling in it. But is it worse when it's boiling? It's already acid. I feel like it might be worse.

Yeah, but maybe it'd be quicker. maybe yeah i mean and once i'm in the acid unless it's vinegar or something okay yeah that might be fine oh but boiling vinegar oh no you're right i don't like that yeah yeah anyone like what happens if you just boil vinegar is it just start to evaporate right it's not like yeah i reckon it would start to evaporate yeah yeah what are you left over with at the end what's what's at the end maybe very interesting mm pure acid dry acid? I mean, there must be a lot of, like most vinegar probably has a lot of water in it.

Yeah, oh yeah, baby. You're not giving you pure acid. No, I don't think so. They wouldn't do that. They wouldn't do that. They wouldn't make that mistake. Then what do I get at the end? You can get pure vinegar.

You have the best chip of your life. I reckon that might even boil down to like a, you know, like a crystalline structure when it's completely evaporated. I think so, yeah. I mean, like citric acid, you can get that as just granules of like, you know. Yeah, they just haven't just added something to me or whatever. Yeah. But I don't know if it's considered an acid when it is in a solid form, because I think acid, by its definition, might have to be dissolved in water.

Oh, right. I don't think it has, I think it's, I think it's the number of, like, free... Free hydrogen ions. Free hydrogen ions. Free hydrogen ions. Yeah. That's somebody who's looking for acid. Yeah.

Mike acid, free hydrogen ions. Or is he giving away free hydrogen ions? Get your free hydrogen ions here. Come and get it. Oh, and he's just at the baseball and he puts a couple of drops in your mouth. You got... The acid guy's coming down.

Yeah. Get a little droplet. Oh, acid guy. An acid guy? Is that a sketch? Yeah, is it? Like an acid dealer. Yeah.

Oh, LSD? Nothing. vinegar Oh right An acid dropper This is so shit This is This is

Yeah All right Tripping Tripping on acid I mean That is the last Thing you want to do When there's a big

Boiling vat Acid I mean that's sort of what happened To The Joker The Joker More or less Yeah

Did he trip Or was he pushed I would reckon No well I mean He didn't trip You know He was sort of I think he was sort of

But it was more than a trip rather than less than a trip. Ah, I see what you're saying. Yeah. Because when you said let, more or less, I was like, well, probably not less. Well. It wasn't standing more still. Maybe relative, you know, from his frame of reference while he was falling, probably did look very still.

Unless he was doing this. And it wouldn't have been still at all. Did the Joker actually tell any good jokes? Or was he just sort of more like a smiler and a laugher than he was actually a joker? I mean, it is hard to write comedy. It is. Especially on the fly because he's such an anarchist. So he's sort of more improv of a guy.

So I don't know if he knows a lot of jokes, but there is a whole series called The Killing Joke, which I haven't. Myself, neither. Yeah, but you haven't read it, right? I may. But the joke might be that he is killing people rather than with jokes. Yeah, that's a good joke.

I bet that kills. Yeah. I mean. Is there a, is there a. What about the opposite of a joke? Joker. Well, I was going to say. Yeah, a guy... Is there a the heckler? But, yeah, or a guy like this, yeah, who keeps his

arms cross and he's not happy. He's not happy with anything you're doing. And he does, because, and he says that's not funny. And you know what? He'd be right, in this case. Yeah, yeah. You suck. You suck. So it's the heckler, you villain. I bet this already exists.

You know what? We don't know that. Yeah. We bet that. We bet that. Yeah, we can make some... I could lose all my money on this. Yeah, but... Okay, this is speculation. Yeah. Ah, and then, of course, there's the Booker. And the Booker is who the Joker.

He's also not very happy. No, no. He's, he, I can't believe I booked this guy. I've booked the heckler. Oh, the Booked the Heckler. Terrible comedian to put on. Oh, no. He's actually just an audience member who stands on stage and tells the audience that they're not very funny.

I wonder if you could get that, you could do that as a character. The audience member? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think that that's actually a good character. Oh, I'm like you guys. I'm not enjoying this. Yeah. Yeah, but I am you guys.

I'm an audience member. Don't know what I'm doing on here. Oh, gosh, what do we want? What are we going to get a real comedian on stage? That would be so good. Oh, let's, like, let's just guy sucks. Yeah, this guy sucks. Yeah, well, anyway, hopefully the next guy is good.

Um, what, what should I say while I'm here? What would you guys want to say? What would you guys want to hear? Because I know as an audience member, I love when people tell funny jokes. Do we like that? Is everyone here to laugh? Yeah, me too. I'd be so good if somebody had a joke.

Yeah, oh, okay, good. Okay, well, we both want the same thing. What about we all just agreed a lot? I mean, that would be great. Wouldn't it be like, you know, if I'm one of you, as an audience member on stage, I'm just, I'm saying what you're all thinking, right? And then what about we, that he says, like, what about we all agreed to just laugh?

If that's what I want you to do I want to do that You want to do that Let's all just laugh And then they all agree And they all just laugh heaps We got to show them that we're better than them Yeah

So let's just laugh at what we're doing We don't need them to make us laugh Yeah We can laugh Let's do it together Yeah Go you've got to really give it Then everyone up the back

All the comedians up the back And I'm like man This guy kills every single week God I wish I was an audience member it's good right what about this it's a theater where the chairs sit on you okay okay you thought thinking about there's a this theater restaurant oh yeah about a restaurant theater I might need to go to the bathroom restaurant theater yeah okay um okay okay um think it through think it through

okay so it's got potential so is it like Is it like chefs on stage? On stage, I think feeding you, cooking the audience. And they are feeding you. Yeah, yeah, they are feeding you. Hello. Hello, welcome. Hello.

I actually do have to go in a second. This is perfect. Perfect. But just think about it, restaurant theatre. I'm going to, we're going to get something out of this. Don't you worry about that. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thanks everyone for having me. You are both met. Madman, but we're having a great time. Please welcome to the podcasting area. Bronny. Yeah. There he is. Bronzo.

Bronzo? People call you Bronzo? No, never once. Brondonical? Brondomical? Brondonical? You know it's about the spondonical? You heard about this?

You heard of these spondonicals? You've lost it. This is the... How long we've been? Man, a long time And it's not all been productive But you know what We've got 218 sketch ideas

Oh yeah I think you're going to say people No The spondonical is that little thing That little implement That you used to pick up a stove at a campfire Right This is like a little

It's like a little head Like a Ronan Right Who's like a warrior who's lost its master This is a handle that wanders the earth Yeah looking for something to pick up Looking for something to pick up Right

Must be hot it's only a hot thing that it would pick up yeah it will do that i mean it'll pick up things that aren't hot as well discriminate yeah it's a brondonical what it probably it probably um it lives for the ones that are hot definitely that's when it really feels like it's up a lukewarm thing or spondonicling um it's kind of like what did you buy me for yeah use your hands exactly you could use your fucking hands for this this is insulting to me which i guess is why yeah brondonical does work i only feel satisfied by things that are hot as you should and um yeah yeah as do we all has your day been so far uh day's been pretty good yeah yeah um had brecky um

had a donut oh part of the breakfast or a separate separate little treat yeah you tell you what about donuts though yes we got to stop we got to stop in reinventing the donut I think I agree. Yeah. Yeah. I think a really simple, fresh donut is good. Yes. And then almost anything else you do to that, you are ruining that.

Yes. I think like Daniels, for example, just to call them out. Mate. It's a shitty base donut and you're just covering it in shit. In shit. I don't want your shit. I don't want a cake. I don't want cream.

I don't want confectionery. just make your calling card the dough. Like, what do you do with the dough that makes your donut, the donut I should eat? I completely, I feel the same way about Starbucks and coffee. Right. It's like, no, I reckon you guys should learn how to make a coffee or you go doing all this other stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You guys are, yeah, they're like almost trying to hide that they'd never figured out the coffee. Never once if they made a single drinkable coffee. Yeah. But I think the problem, probably the anxiety is, like, oh, that's not enough, you know? Oh, we're called Daniel's Donuts, but we can't have a whole shop where we just sell one kind of donut.

You've got to, like, do heaps of different stuff. Yeah. And so they just put a whole lot of shit on different donuts. Like pistachio. I had a pistachio one. Really? Yeah. That's not good.

Yeah. What, like, I think... What about this? It's a restaurant called diminishing returns. Fantastic. And we do one thing okay. Yeah, great. And everything else is worse.

But we give you the option to add all the other things. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah. For sure. But we put it on Front Street that like the more of this you add, the worse this gets. So like, that's on you. And it costs heaps. Yeah.

Yeah. If you're one of those people who want all this shit, you've got to pay for it and then put it on. And we've already washed our hands with the title. Yeah. I mean, maybe we're teaching you a lesson here. Yeah. I have always wanted to do like a cafe where I sell black coffee and one cinnamon. Donut.

Wow. Just that's it. And maybe like a weekly special. Mm. Oh, okay. See, this is with a creep. Yeah, the concept creep. You had it perfect.

No, I think I did. But every time I've mentioned it, someone's like, you've got to have a little bit of variation. And so I've added the weekly special, but you're thinking like coffee, cinnamon donut. I mean, just give me an example of what the weekly special might be. Um, dollop of jam. Oh, so it's to go with the donut. Yeah.

Okay. Hmm. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? If it's a different thing every week. Yeah.

And it's optional. Like, what's the flavoured donut this week? Yeah, yeah. At least it gives you like a little bit of something to like go back. Oh, I go back and see what they're dolepping on the donuts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, it's for the returns. Or maybe it's a dollop in the coffee. The minishing returns. Minishing returns, the name also refers to the, our customers. Yeah. They're not coming back. Yeah. Hello, Ronnie.

Hey, buddy. How are you? I'm good. Thank you. I ran past you as I was running to the toilet. That's all good. Did you have some ideas? Oh, we just had diminishing returns.

It's the name of a restaurant. Yeah. Do one thing well and everything else is worse than that. But they're really upfront about that. Yeah. I would only order the mashed potato. Yeah, personally. It's really the only thing we do, do it.

Yeah. We do have over those issues? You're looking for protein or anything? Yeah, we're going to take you through the specials. We've got a garlic mash, but we wouldn't recommend it. Yeah, yeah. We have a steak. Not in good conscience.

It's done, well done to sort of all overdone. Yeah. And when I say well done, I don't mean that in a sense of it's done well. No, it's been done poorly. Yeah, well done poorly. Is that? How's your day been? Yeah, so you had a donut?

Had a donut. Had a donut. Yeah. We need fuel. This is today. Yeah, no, fair enough. I should have come in. No, no, no, it's all good.

With my day packed full of stuff. No, then I went and hosted to Improv Student Showcase. Far out. You've, I mean, you've been delivering big time. Yeah. I've been delivering. I could have just brought all their ideas. Did you have to do any improvising yourself? No, no, no, no. You're just hosting, so what are you just shouting out?

Here they are. There's going to be some improv. Yep, they're going to need a word, that sort of stuff. Oh, yeah. Tell me the word. What word they get today? They got, oh, Gabagool was one of them. Really? Which I was like, come on, mate. Yeah, was that like an Italian ghost?

is it that's an italian swear word is it well he they asked for clarification he said it was a range of Italian meats really yeah it didn't feel accurate to me it felt like he was in the shit for his own yeah he's already defending himself yeah yeah a shooting range of Italian meats how about this it's not a sketch idea but shoot why not no but but okay so let's say you go to a like a deli and you're saying can I try can I try the motodella yeah yeah like that

you go you know can I try the Hungarian salami and they go yeah yeah and you go can I try and then something surprising what if it's like the like the skill testers at at the like the fair but it's to get your dinner and you're always getting so like I want the salami. No, sorry, like the shooting range ones. But like, I want the salami. So I've got to try to shoot the salami. Yeah, yeah.

Like a sort of like a fair based, was a county fair based economy. Mm-hmm. Or you do actually have to win things by shooting them with a little air gun. Yeah, yeah. But we're not win things. This is how you earn. This is how you earn your. Sorry.

Hey? You are earning it. Well, I mean, this is, it's the whole economy is like, yeah, yeah. So this is how you get your, this is how you buy. your dinner. Yes. And it's also how you get more

pellets for the gun. You've got to go to a different... Yeah, so how do I get... So how do I shoot it? You go, you got to go win some pellets over there. How do I win the pellets? You go, well, if you go see the strong man and you can hit the ding.

Then you can win a stuffed toy. You can trade for a go on the frog thing that lily pants onto the... I would love to see this. I'd love to see this as like a, you know, sort of maybe like a half-hour episode

of like some sort of, you know, Twilight Zone style anthology. It's where somebody wakes up and they're in this carnival kind of world. And that is the whole world. Love it. And they are trying to survive, make, do, thrive in this completely new economy. It would be deeply satirical, I feel. I think so? Oh, yeah.

What would he be satirical about? Probably our world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The way our economy works. You know, one of the best ways to make it in that world be to start, you know, I mean, I know I'm doing a lot about kissing. him, but to kiss the clowns. Yeah, you think they'd give up the goods.

I think the clowns are kind of like the mob matriarchs of the circus world. Is this a real thought that you had, or like a real fact, do you think? No, it's not a real thing. No, no, okay, this is your interpretation. You need somebody, you need somebody who's part of the system. Yes. And the clowns, they're on the inside. Oh, boy.

And they also are very capable of breaking, you know, they know about breaking societal rules. or a clown, right? So that means they're open to bribery and maybe exchanging kisses for gun pellets. You know what I mean?

Yeah, and then who's the first person who hoards the gun pellets and stops using a set of... I mean, it would be really interesting if our protagonist to this person ends up setting up almost like a mafia-style black

market economy within the world of this carnival, subverting it all and almost becoming like a sort of villainous type character. It'll be like two different types of economies. One county fair based economy and this black market economy that he creates. What does that one work on?

What does that one work on? How do they pay for this? NIM. That's the one. That's the one. That's the one. Cases based on that. That's right.

That's kisses for the villain. You know, in the mafia, where, like, the guy, if they're about to kill someone, they give them that kiss and the kiss of the death or whatever? What if that was the whole thing? Somebody says, this should be the whole mafia. And then they don't like this. It's all about the kiss.

Kiss of life. Yeah. Case of wealth. Oh, yeah, kiss of doing pretty good for yourself. Yeah, I mean, this of a hard day's work. Imagine that. The dawn, I mean, we've talked about kissing a lot today,

and I love it. I can't wait to talk about it some more. I mean, what if it was that the dawn of the mafia, whoever he is, Capo of Capos, that big guy. If he's just, he's the best, the best kisser in the whole mafia. Okay, so everyone does his bidding because they want to be able to kiss the Don. Yeah.

So you've got to work your way up. Yeah, you've got to work your way up to get closer to him. You've got to kiss a lot of, you know, conciliaries before you get to kiss the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And did the mafia begin purely because Word got around that this guy was a great smoocher? Well, I mean, he's, you know, he didn't want to do conventional career. And who can blame him when he's got that gift? When you know you've got something that people want

And suddenly if you protect it Then it kind of holds its value He's sitting everybody giving it away He's just a regular guy By putting it, basically putting the kisses behind a paywall You can almost get anything he wants Putting these puppies Putting these puppies behind a paywall

You don't want to kiss it And so he's running a mafia during this county fair-based economy, or do you think this is a separate... I think it's a separate sketch. Separate sketch. Hell yeah. It's a scissing-based mafia.

Don is the best kisser. Is Don is good. That's what they say. If you know the, did the New York Mafia or whatever, they got all the, they monopolized the, like, rubbish. Is that what they did? Yeah. The waste disposal.

Yeah, what's the kissing guy? He's... Kissing booths at all. He runs every kissing booth in this town. It all like high schools. It's like with the vape stores or the another kissing booth has been burned down today in a fire bomb attack. The lips were terribly singed.

Yeah. He said he's going to be out of, you know. Out of commission. Commission for six weeks. He said, my doctor said I may never kiss again. Not on the lips anyway. Oh. he might never kiss again maybe

not well anyway not well anyway but you know then again you know a burnt lip might have more texture it might be something who would be out to burn his lips to appreciate

yeah you wouldn't be able to trust any restaurant or coffee or coffee imagine that you put a bit of acid on you put like a little thing on your cheek a little plastic thing covered in acid hide it under some makeup like that

somebody comes in it doesn't work and you wow You're like, kiss me again, didn't you? Pick him down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I lick my, you know, lick my face.

Lick my face. I mean, it is a shame that we like, we try to be, like, smooth everywhere on our, on our bodies with skin. It would be good to, like, just for a bit of texture, to have, like, one, one super rough cheek and, you know, one, you know, maybe one smooth one, but one that's nice, really nice and rough. And you can sort of, you know, that way, there's a bit of light and shade, you know, in your, in your intimate moments. You're able to work with a bit more. Yeah, yeah, I mean, you could, um, they like it rough. really sharpen like a knife on it

isn't there like when you're sharpening a knife they often give you different grades of roughness yeah yeah you know different parts of your body one bit that you keep shaving all the time one bit that's you know like

that's still smooth you know like this part right here oh very smooth you can just do that for the fine it is real smooth wow yeah it's a real nice I'm a basic

not much hair or anything there at all god this is a gorgeous bit of the human body that I've given almost no time. Yeah, I've given zero time to it. You've got to discover your body. I'm really, I mean, I'm very proud of myself.

Yeah. Yeah, for now, for just this moment? Yeah. I've really soft feet. Yeah? Yeah. And I've, like, my whole adult life, I've been waiting for them to become calloused and rough. A man's foot.

And it hasn't, it just hasn't happened yet. You got those office boy feet. Yeah. Feet have never worked a day in their lives. That's it. These feet have been soaking an ivory liquid. I don't know if that is. I think it's just something that Kramer says

in that episode where they go to L.A. and I think he meets a murderer or something like that, I think. I don't know. I think ivory liquid might be a... Milk? No, it's a cleaning, a dish cleaning brand. Yeah. Got it. What about this? It's Kramer.

But he's on friends. And he's always been on Friends And he was never on Seinfeld Wow I mean that would be a really big one In terms of the Mandela effect or whatever It's to be a lot of people think Kramer was on Seinfeld

But he actually never was He never was I mean That'd be really That'd be really interesting Does that erase his cancellation as well? Yeah Yeah

So we currently have Michael Richards A lot of people remember him saying some really horrendous stuff They didn't Because he was on Friends Season 16 of Friends Married Phoebe Actually Paul Rudd who was heinous and racist

That's right And he was on sign-five Yeah I mean And he was a really nice neighbor He's always going to like this Like that What does this

I mean what has happened here Is it that, okay, that Jerry Seinfeld with all his rich money was able to alter the time stream to make it so that Kramer was never on Seinfeld so that he didn't get any of the blowback from those incidents and rewrite things in that way? Does he like, and is it something that he actually did by going back in time or is it something that he's done

by like just altering the permanent record on the internet to try and like convince us all that that didn't happen? pay off people like a propagandist broadcast hosts, etc. Yeah, like create this alternate reality.

I feel like to go back because like he has control over making Kramer not Kramer in Seinfeld but it's a stretch for him to, I mean it's all a stretch of course, but to make him also cast in friends like that's tough. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

To be able to go back and be like, hey, FYI, all Rud, you're out. Especially because he would have to go back to the start of Seinfeld before he was famous. Yes, he has no power. He can't say, oh, and I don't want to cast this guy, but I do want this guy to be on a show called Friends

that hasn't been made yet. Yeah. That's challenging. I think it's the rewriting, the records one, probably. I mean, there's a part of me that's just like, now we just say that that's what happened. And then people can prove you wrong and then you just don't listen to them.

That's true. We just live in a fantasy world. Yeah. Maybe, yeah. My little. And I think in an increasingly large amount of people will also live in that. We'll create a Facebook group and that will become the new reality for many of us. We've made another satirical comment.

Yeah. I mean, I think it's a great idea that like I could, because, you know, there's a lot of stuff in the real world. But if I start living in a fantasy world of my own devising, then in that world it's a blank slate. None of the big advertisers are in there yet. None of the, you know, like there's a lot of stuff. I've got a lot of real estate in my fantasy world that I can sell now to these big corporations and make Bucco Dolores. Yeah. So I think that, yeah, we should all start doing this.

Start like just switch off from reality. Yeah. Don't see here or learn anything about the real world and start farming out. Selling ad space in your own dreamland. Yeah. Yeah. White open spaces. Is it a sketch idea, though?

Oh, it's already written down. Oh, boy. Beautiful. What about, you know, a guy goes to a croissant shop. And he says, can I try that motadella? Yeah. And they go, yep, you go. Yeah, yeah, right.

And he goes, can I try that Hungarian salami? Yeah. A croissant shop? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah. And then he goes, oh, can I try that pepperoni? And they go, oh, yeah, right there.

and he said, I'll have six croissants. Yeah. I don't know. I think. I think somebody who just, like, goes and yells at a croissant shop and says, can we just,

I mean, look, I know this not the croissant's fault. Crescent's fault. But just say, can we just say Crescent? Please. Do you say croissant when you're at home?

I mean, I don't, if I'm speaking English, I'll just say it. How can we say it in English? Yeah, okay. person because I mean sometimes we'll say croissant but it's like no it doesn't it doesn't feel good to change accents while in the middle of a talk I think you're trying to hold on to something that's the accent you talk when you're speaking another language well you speak in this language just say it

I don't know how you say it in this language yeah I think it's a weird thing for me to go like I've been hanging out in Montreal yeah yeah I think that is weird well should we open a a cafe and just start calling them presents. I think so. That's how it needs to happen. We call them that when people come in. If they say, order a croissant, we say, what? A what? Yeah, yeah.

Really indignant. Yeah. Great. You know, that's genuinely what they do in some parts of France with the difference between a pano chocola and a chocolatine. Some people are so anti-chocolatine. I've never heard of chocolatine before.

That's the French word. And so people are so anti, they'll go, Quas? Yeah. What? I see not, I don't know what you talk you talk, like that. And so that's what we're going to do.

We're going to make croissants. Ironically, we're becoming even more French. We're going to become, yeah, it's like we're born again French. Yeah. Yeah. And when you become a born again something, you commit even more strongly.

Yes. Yeah. And you go, yeah. And then you also have become very a language purist. You're like, sorry, we're in Australia. We only speak. English here. It's a crescent. Yeah. I think this is a great. It's the French, it's the French Australian community,

but they really emphasise the Australian bit. Yeah. So they do all really French stuff, but thick Australian accents. Yeah. French attitude. Yeah. Australian words. French. French foods, Australian words. What if French, but Australian? Yeah. I think that's a really. good idea. What's the baguette? It's just a stick. Long bread. Yeah, yeah. Long roll. Long roll. Yeah. Oh, yeah. A what? French stick. A what? They call it a French stick, do they? People say French stick. Do you think that at the Australian French people, that's what they'd call it? Yep. Nice.

Yeah, Australian French bakery. Not going to be allowed to use boulangerie. They wouldn't want it. They wouldn't want it. Or patisserie. Yeah. Like this. do that translate as something like is that like what is the what is the what is the it really I think so it's a wand yeah I think so it was my bag yeah well bag I think is ring but I don't know if that's oh look I don't know all French I'm just you know uh is a crepe a flat what's a what's a crepe

what's a crepe suzette I think suzette is the name of a woman really maybe somebody who the that specific type of crepe maybe with cheese and ham or something like that. It was named after me. It was like a cheese sauce. Maybe she was a woman with just a very flat face. Yes.

Super wide, round flat. With oozing, sort of like weeping wounds. Oh, wouldn't that be beautiful to discover the true story of the woman? Hammy skin flaking off, sticking out of her mouth. A thick, a thin tongue. What is the thin tongue? That's the ham, a thin ham tongue. You get a crapes with ham?

I think so, yeah. I mean, I made crepes with ham. Now, is the true story of Crapes, Suzette, the woman that the Crape Susette was named after and her beautiful pancake face? Yeah, ham time. I think that might be a sketch idea, I was there. Love to see this historical documentary.

Origin story. That's right. Do you think it's time for Australia to stop ever talking about Dame Nellie Melba? Yeah, I mean, I don't really know anything about her. No, but people do you still bring her up. People will bring her up all the time. She's constantly on the tip of everybody's left. You go to Dame Nilly Melbourne?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we should... Opera singer? Yeah. And look, honestly, I can't believe anyone gave a shit that much when she was alive. And it's opera, and it's a long time since she's been dead. Like, how long are we going to keep talking about this woman? She's on the money, isn't she?

She on the money? She, I don't know. She might be on the money. You're suggesting replace her with Crape Suzette? Yeah, look. Sure. Why not? Who is less relevant, but more delicious.

I just think we've got to stop. Yeah. At a certain point, you've got to stop talking about these things through the past. And I think this is one that we can afford it. Maybe it's her spirit ceasing to die. Maybe. Because also it's, there's no room for honoring someone new in that spot. Exactly.

Like, yeah, when are we updating the money with, I don't know, Molly Meldrum? When are we, I mean. Molly Meldrum, get him on the, on the, the, the, $10 note. The Queen died, and now we're putting King Charles on the money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But all the other people on the money are all dead. Yes. Maybe it should only be living people or allowed on the money.

Oh, yeah. But then living people can be really bad stuff. It's true. Imagine if the $100 note got cancelled. Yeah. What would that do for the economy? Yeah, and then what do you think the value of the $100 note would... I think so?

It would plummet. I guess they would have to throw away a lot of cash, and then maybe the value of the... Of all the other money would go back up. I mean, I think this might even be a sketch idea, Alastair. What is the idea? Well, you know how Goldfinger, in the movie Goldfinger, he was trying to put a nuclear bomb inside Fort Knox,

so he would irradiate all the gold, so the value of all the other gold would go up. What if we try and get somebody on $100 notes cancelled, so the value of all the other money goes up? This is our, we're cancel finger. But wait, so two-fifties are still good value, but a $100 note. Yeah, that's right. That's worthless.

Yeah. But overall, it massively reduces the amount of total amount of money that is in circulation, I suppose, because people are burning their $100 notes. In protest. Yeah, in protest. It must have done something pretty bad. Yeah. Yeah. God.

Whoever that guy is. I mean, I would just go and take it into the bank and trade it in for a couple of 50s. Yeah, the bank. doesn't want it, though. Oh, they don't want it. They cancels a tube. Yuck, no. Not that guy.

They're scoffing hard at that. Who is it? Who's on there? Do you know? ATMs are rejecting it? Who's on it right now or who's on it in this cancelled world? Either or all. Who's on it right now?

I couldn't tell you. Do you want to start again? Start the podcast again. From one. Yeah, from one. Do you think people are getting too fancy with dress codes as in like what they're what they're calling the dress code how they're defining the dress code i mean there's there's more dress codes what is it's too there's too many what's one what's one i got recently

dress in something that makes you feel confident yeah yeah but then that's that's not clear enough exactly that's what i yeah yeah i'm like i feel confident all the time well and that's great i mean just hearing that fills me with dread yeah i know exactly yeah yeah exactly wow you need to expect me to go there feeling confident that's not going to happen I guess I'll wear a big winter coat In a scarf I'll stay in my house I'm hot as hell but I'm confident

Unless everybody's not dressed like that Then I'm going to feel really bad when I get there That's the thing yeah What if my confident attire arrive And it's clearly wrong And then I'm that is going to rob me of all confidence Yeah But I guess it also doesn't really matter what you wear

You know But what is it for a wedding This was just for like a friend gathering thing. I mean, they didn't need to give you any guidance. You know what I mean? Like, that was not, yeah, that's not even a thing that has a dress code normally. Yeah, normally. What do you think about, like, you go to this fancy dress party and it's like the theme is 1800s, something like that, right? So some people go dressed up as like aristocrats or whatever, and some people go dressed up as like convicts or

something like that, and everyone's having a great time. Yeah. But then something happens there's this total societal breakdown, or you get stranded on an island, or something. And people start to stratify into the social classes of the costumes that they're wearing, like that Stanford Prison Experiment kind of thing, where like everyone suddenly like, well, I'm in this role.

And as the person dressed as the king, I think I should have some authority. I think I should be the leader. And then the people dress as other stuff. Like it end up in the, you know, the people dressed as the complex get forced to do all the work. Yeah.

It's another twilight. But it's a costume party? It's a costume party. party, possibly on an island or maybe on a boat. Yeah. You know? On a boat is good because then it can crash land. It has to be resolved before.

Yeah, if there's like a, if maybe, I don't know if this is what you were saying, but if there was a, I was trying to think of this other thing, sorry. And so if there's like a crash or whatever and people are all dressed up kind of like in weird jobs and things like that. And they have to end up taking up the rolls. A lot of them taking it because they've already got like some some of the tools on their belt and things like that. Yeah, he's got a little, little fake gun or something. guys got some like handcuffs and they're able to take on the rolls because they've got the tools yeah like that and then but i guess the king is like get them bring them to me yeah but maybe he's

actually also been so yeah yeah by somebody and the king is like there's like a there's a peasant man who's like the king is was his best mate and they came together yeah and you're just like bring me what are you talking about dude dude what the hell yeah like it well i like it what What would you call this eight-part mini-series? Call it dress-ups. Call it costume. Call it period drama. Period drama is really good.

Thanks. Period drama. I mean, maybe they are like a film crew or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they went off to make one. They went off to make one. They can't actually have the film crew there. It has to be just actors.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're separate boats. Um, I had an idea, which was just, it's a, it's called, it's like a film maybe called dress code. Yeah. Right? But then it's, it's like a spy thing because it's like, and it is a code. You know, it's dress code and they've got to decode this thing through the, uh, through this, this, uh, villain who's, uh, communicating to his, their team through, uh, through Couture. like that and so they've got to send

some agents under cover as models. Oh, this is going to be hot, this is great. Yeah, it's going to be hot. It's going to be a lot of undressing and redressing. They have to do that when they're doing the catwalk and stuff like that. And, you know,

and let's see, okay, dress code. And then they get the person and they're like, they catch the bad guy. They take them back somewhere. And he said,

his skin and use it to make shorts. Yeah, but I think that he's put a bomb inside, like, all the, some of the, you know, it's like sewn into all these fancy dresses and so all these rich people are going to die. Oh, no, rich people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so then they have to, the team has to, while they realize now that that will actually create the greatest bit of wealth distribution this country

has ever seen. They have to make it seem like they're doing something to stop this. Yeah, great. Because when all these bombs go off, it actually will save the country from all of its major problems. Yes. Wow. I mean, I think that's a great idea.

I think anything where there's a situation where like, oh no, all these billionaires will be blown up and killed, and then you have to make the decision of oh do we actually do anything or not is um well they are doing something but so that they don't lose their jobs oh good they're employed when the essential revolution kind of occurs and they're still in a position of power so that they can you know take advantage of the new system and steal from the poor oh oh yeah oh no yeah oh well think about you're an intelligence agency

you're going to end up being the person who's like you're going to be the Putin. You're going to be the Putin or whatever. Yeah. What about um you made me think of if we took if we got rid of all signage everywhere so you didn't know what anything was. Nice. And then took every single person and just like lifted them up into the air and jumbled them all around and then replaced them in different spots of the world. Yeah. How do we go to your record? Yeah. It's like a real snow globe situation. Yeah. Yeah. And there's no signage. You don't know where you are. And there's no signage. You There's no way of telling... Yeah, I mean, what if all written words disappear?

All words are gone somehow, on signs, on anything. I guess it's all... Is it maybe it's like everything is digital? Even road signs? Yeah. I don't know what there's any good reason for that to be the case, but like something happens and everything disappears. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, then you've got your great element of everybody being picked up and redistributed at random. At random. I land next to a stranger and we speak different languages We've got to figure out Oh I mean a fun thing Where we are Everybody just ends up in a different place

What and all technology disappears as well Yeah it's like a big It's like the global reset Someone did it to us The randomizer Somebody hit the random oar When I was working on that show Is that a thing

Well on on the floor that I was working on One of the lines is Activate the Randomoiser Wow And they don't say it like that exactly, but that's how I it's time to activate the random

I always thought the randomizer would be a great villain or something. Yeah, well I think that's what he does. Like maybe the randomizer has some sort of type of gun as a villain and he can point it at you and he can swap you you just get location swapped with

anybody else at random anywhere in the world. That's good. One time he does it, you know, near the end, he swaps it with another member of your team. And then they come and attack you. If there's too many people, if you get swapped individually and then like you end up in China, there's too many people in China who know they're in China and they'd be like, don't aren't you're in China and you'd be like, okay.

Yeah, yeah, totally. We've all got to go. But I think, I think it would make then it's just a different idea. Okay. Like him having the body swap gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's not going to kill you. Just personally disruptive, yeah.

Yeah, it's just personally disruptive. Well, this is very disruptive. This is going to take me months to get back and I think I can afford it. Yeah. I don't even have any money on me right now. Oh, that would be kind of crazy. Yeah, that's a good villain. Just like real inconveniencing people.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. In a real threatening way. Yeah. Under your face, then inconvenience is all that. I think inconvenience is, I mean, the whole concept of the, you're, everyone's completely randomized and there's no road signs. That is pure inconvenience.

Yeah. That is inconvenience to the. Absolute maximum. What's the maximum amount of inconvenience? Yeah, that's it. The maximum number of people. Infinite inconvenience. Ray enabled.

Yeah. Yeah, that's when someone puts the ray into the water supply. That's what happens. Yeah. And your shoelaces are tied together. Oh, no, it's one of those really tight little knots. You can't even get in there with your fingernails. And your fingernails, all of everybody's fingernails are really short.

That's what the villain did first. Those are the three. effects. What about one day you wake up and all your friends start asking if they can have some of your stuff? It's like little bits and pieces. Like, oh, can I have this fork? And then you start noticing things start disappearing as well. They're all stealing stuff from you as well. Stealing stuff from you. And something has happened. You don't know where, you don't know why. But suddenly, everybody just wants your little valueless things. Yeah. You know, they want your eraser. They want your stapler. Yeah. Yeah. They want, uh,

that bill that you got that you haven't opened yet. You know what? This would be really good for a, to teach people who think billionaires should have to redistribute some of their wealth. This would really teach them a lesson. You know, like what a great way for them to experience. Oh, how would you like it if people came and took all of your stuff? You want to take some of my billions of dollars?

well what if what if people came and took things out of your house and exactly such as such as this thing in the key in the key bowl yeah what is this magnet yes so again we pull out and we show that this this has been playing on a projector screen and that Jeff Bezos or somebody like that

some billionaire has been running the projector and that's when he says all that yeah yeah it's off or possibly it's like somebody does a tweet right and they're like we should do more become redistribution and this is and Elon Musk sees this tweet right and he's had enough he's sick of seeing stuff like this so what he decides to do is to start paying people in their life he covertly gets in touch with everyone in their lives finds their price whatever it is of

hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars and he pays off everyone in their life around them to start slowly stealing things from their life yeah Oh, the idea that, wait, yeah, the idea that a billionaire who gets, yeah, this is what you just said, a billionaire gets upset with a tweet that you made. Yeah, yeah, I love that. That's what I said. Yeah. I felt like, oh, I just had that.

I know, I know, because you could hear the words in your head, right? And you're like, oh, I'm having this idea right now. It's great. Yeah. Asmosis. Yeah. Well done, Al. Yeah, I agree.

It's so good. That'd be so cool. To be a billion. I mean, to be one of the paid friends who just has to take... Oh, so good. I'd do it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Do it in a heartbeat. Yep. Maybe I'm doing it right now. Yeah, maybe... Hold on. Because, yeah, you're not asked me to take anything significant. I won't take, like, one of your sons. I was just come and take a little, like, pop rivet.

A little couple... A pop rivet. I've got lots of those. Do you? Yeah, you would. Yeah, you're going to have to get a few, I reckon. Yeah. Before you notice

That's why it's a good one to take Soutile Guy who comes up to you on the street And offers you money for your knuckle How much for that knuckle? So Does that mean that like I can no longer bend the finger Is it just get fused

It just takes out the knuckle And these Is this a knuckle and this is a knuckle? Yeah those are both knuckles They're both knuckles Is that a knuckle? Is that a knuckle? That is a knuckle I think It's three knuckles

I think it's a triple knuckle thing. I realised... Oh, give a knuckle. You know how this is a rude thing to do to somebody? I thought this could be like a really nice thing to do to something, right? You do like that, see? Oh, that's good.

Yeah, yeah. That there, this is the person there with their two legs and this is their penis. And then you go, boing, like that, and you're like, see, this is how I feel about you. Yeah. You... Wait, that's you getting an erection. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, real...

Yeah. Okay, so a new hand signal. A new complimentary... I mean, because we've got the thumbs up, but that's a little wholesome, in my opinion. It's a little, you know, PC, it's a little family friendly. And if you want to find one, because find something that's a bit more edgy that, you know, takes it to the next level. The little central digit finger flick could really, could take off. There's a lot of effort involved, so you know you mean it.

Yeah. Also, I wouldn't mind losing a knuckle because I have this swan neck. Oh, did you have an injury to your fingers? No, they all have it. Yeah, this is what Andy was complaining about my hand. It's a condition. Do you have this? Well, I can just like bend my fingers back.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I can do that. Oh. And I would love to not be able to do it. Is that a condition? Yeah. Yeah. This is a condition.

Yeah, yeah. It's just a finger. Look at that. I think the one on your other hand is more intense. It's not just a finger, mate. Yeah, these are not just fingers do look very muscular and long. Yeah. I don't know if they're in a.

condition, but we can also go really far back. So it's like I have knuckle and I don't have knuckles. Yeah, yeah. So how much for you to stop using a knuckle? That's the thing. I would have to, I would happily give away a couple of these knuckles. Yeah, okay, but like that way, so then

let's say, what am I asking? What's he asking? He's just like, I want you to not use your knuckle. I guess I can't straighten. I can't. I don't want you to, okay. Oh, I don't have to give it. How about this? How about this? You're not allowed to bend your fingers back so that they bend back. anymore like that yeah and but if i give you 50,000 dollars but you can't do it even

i can't show that party trick anymore you just can't do it ever yeah how do you feel about that by accident even i think it's easy to say i don't i don't mind and i won't miss it but i think you know once you've been living with this situation for a while you might start to really chaf against it and feel like you've sort of given away a part of yourself and your freedom yeah I know it means so much to you, Brony. Like, you're a big freedom guy. Yeah, yeah. I'm very into freedom.

Like, like this, I'd be like looking around the corner and I'd be like, that's a strike. Yeah. Like that. Yeah. And someone's doing party tricks and I'm like, I'm itching because I'm like, I've got a party trick. Yeah, yeah. What about this? You've only got three more high fives in your life, right?

Oh, I've been told by the doctors that if you, if you, you've only got three left. and then you'll then you'll die right there's some sort of nerve that runs from the arm down into the chest into your heart and you give you give more than three yeah you'll die and like so various things happen and you're like who am i going to spend these high fives on i think there might be a rom-com out at the moment called like a thousand words or something like that where people only have a certain number of words that they've got left to say yeah possibly yeah but this is the same but with high fives. So it's, you know, big sporting triumph. Somebody gets engaged. What's it going to be? Oh, you get a huge, you know, you get a huge, like, you know, like contract at work and the boss is going

around and giving everybody high fives. And you're like, I think I have to use one. Oh, we're all, a lot of you going to be getting promotions after this. And then he kind of goes like this and you're like, oh, I'm going to have to do it. Yeah. Give one of them away. Yeah, and that starts a real, like, you know, that's a big high-five round at that place. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to, like, get in. Oh, that everybody else wants one. Then you see other people come up to you and you just run to the bathroom.

Oh! Yeah. And you're on a, you get on a basketball team. Have you seen those, like, where they do the lineups and they'll just, like, do high-five after high-five with the whole team, like, LeBron James or something, will do the whole team in a row. And you're, like, in his team, and you're on the end, and you're like, I can't be part of this. this and then you're ostracized and you'll die what happens if you get three high fives yeah you'll die yeah but i mean what it is really ultimately is a metaphor for life right is how do you want to not how do you want to spend your high fives it's how do you want to spend your life yeah you know

because if you're giving out high fives to the boss because the company has got a new thing but you don't really feel like you want to celebrate that how is that you don't really giving you know props to yeah you know you're still spending your time at the company Not only did you give your blood and sweat and tears to that company for a little return, you gave one of your three high-fives. What a waste. We're blood, sweat and tears incorporated. We suck the liquids out of our employees and sell them to you, the customer.

Did we ever do a... You're like human cows. Do we ever do a sketch where a guy wants to be... Maybe I feel like I've just had this thought on one of these 100th episodes where a guy tries... He's like bleeding from the ears and he's trying to say that it's like he should just be accepted for it

because he's always bleeding from the ears. I think we might have talked about that actually. I don't know though. It's pretty different and interesting. Yeah. What if we made him bleeding from somewhere else? The nipples. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, but it's like a golden liquid. Oh, golden liquid seeks from his nipples. Yeah, golden liquid seeps from his nipples. I've got the midas tits. The minus tits. Everything I see, Pat, is a golden liquid. This is what he'll sing at the end of the movie. He finally has confidence in it.

And then at some point he realizes that the liquid like makes people feel really good. Wow. And then like, and then people want to drink from his nipple. Oh, that's so beautiful that he realizes that he realizes that. But then at some point, he realizes they start to become addicted. And he's all chafed up in the center of town and people are in cues like that. Yeah. And then he wants them to stop.

but then they start getting angry with him and he starts losing friends because it's like he has something so magic and he's like I'll just collect some for you I'll go yeah you promise he goes yeah yeah yeah like that

and he's just spending a lot of his time just collecting the drips and he starts putting honeycomb and milk to try to like stretch it yeah yeah he's trying to like sell just regular milk to people it's a bit like

the goose that laid the golden eggs do you think that people will eventually kill him in the hope of getting to all the stores of golden liquid that he must have inside him and then they realised that there's there is none in there and actually it was the friendship it was the getting to spend time with him that they were really enjoying

they didn't even realise getting to put their lips on his nips yeah and now but now he's dead yeah they actually never verified that it was golden they just kept sucking from his nipple in a swing they felt so good they're like this must be golden liquid so but in your version it's that they really just like sucking on his nipples

My version is like that they enjoy spending time with them as a friend. That's the same thing. In your version, they step. What is friendship if not? What do you do with your friends? Yeah, exactly. What do you mean? I assume that's where this was headed.

Yeah, that the golden, at some point, it's like the golden liquid stops. Yeah. Is that what you just said? No, not really. And then they, like somebody sucks on it and he goes, there's nothing left, there's nothing left in there. And then, and they're like, what I'm feeling? on that highness again. Still feel good.

Maybe it was never the liquid. It was just sucking on your nipples. That is kind of what I said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Write it down as your arms. I mean, I'm writing them all down yet. Maybe they start out thinking, maybe it was the friendship.

I just had to give the mechanism. And then they hang out as friends for a while and then they're like, no, it's not the friendship. It must be the nipples. Must be the nipples. So they go back to doing that. And even though that, but it's still a beautiful message because even though there's no golden liquid,

They still like sucking on his nipples. And they don't realize that they could start sucking each other's nipples. No, that's what they like. That's not good to them. His nipple. I mean, they try and they go, I'm sorry, you just got nothing for me. It's just that he's... Then I guess it's just the same problem for him.

Yeah. Because he thought it was the golden liquid. And then he was like, oh, no, it's me. And then they're like, oh, no, it's his nipples. It's just maybe his nipples are coated. And then they realize, like, we can kill him. because we don't need that to regenerate. And still good, even if he's dead

and sucking on his dead nipples. It's still great. Yeah, yeah. And then, yeah, and then you just see them at a, like, at a party and they're all sitting in a circle just passing. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, yeah. They're all taking a hit of his nip.

This is actually a really, now, a really good movie. Yeah. Yeah. What's the, what's the equivalent of Puff, Puff, PASS. It's, Uh, lick, lick, flick, lick, flick. Lick, flick. Lick throw was funny, yeah. They're not even treating these different things.

There's no respect anymore. Wow. That's the saddest bit to me, actually. I feel terrible about that. One of the many sad bits. Okay. My throat is starting to get a little bit sore. Oh, no.

My voice is starting to be like, what are you doing, man? You've been going on this thing all day. Put my stock in lozenges? in your life? Have you been a, you guys been lozange people? Not a big lozange boy How about you? No. I think I get a sort of throat and I just admit. It's lozange. No other words are sort of built

like lozenges. Yeah, Noges. Stonehenge. Stonehenge. I say Stonehenge like lozins Stonehenge. It's funny. I say stonehenge like, I mean I say lozange like stonehenge. There should be, you should be able to buy. I mean, lozenges are often shaped a bit like the rocks at Stonehenge. You should be able to buy. able to buy a Stonehenge

Lozange. It's like the packet is basically in the shape of Stonehenge and all the lozenges are standing up like that. And then you find out that they're connected.

This is something the Druids were doing. I mean a lozange like a bit of sugar candy with like a herb inside that does feel a bit druidy. Very druidy. That's true.

Shaped like a giant standing stone. Shaped like a giant standing stone! I forget that we're doing I don't think it's right to the charge for Stonehenge and things like it. Really? Yeah. You don't think it's right that they charge for it?

Yeah. What if they're charging to pay for the upkeep of the visitor center or something like that? I don't, I don't need... Maintain... I don't need to go to the visitor centre? Yeah, I don't need that. I don't want to go to the visitor centre. Yeah, I mean, pay someone to mow the grass around it.

Okay, so will you pay it if it's going to the guy mowing the grass? Well, I'm handing it straight to him to say thanks. Yeah. If I see him mowing. Okay. Yeah. If he's mowing on the day that I'm there, I'll happily give him a tip. Yeah.

But how do you, do you think you'd really do it though? If you just saw the guy there and they was like, all right, well, we won't charge you guys. You guys can just pay the mowing guy if you see him. And then you're there and he's like, oh shit. I was like, you're like, trying not to see him. Yeah. But he's down on the ground. You can't even really look at the stone hinges because you're busy trying.

not to make eye contact with this guy on his mower. Yeah. Well, that's my cross to bear, I guess. Yeah. I don't get to see the Stainhenge that day. At least you saved, I don't know, $2 or something like that. I don't even more than... Well, also, okay, I'll revise.

I'm happy to pay for the upkeep of the fucking Visitor Center. I don't put it so far away. It's such a long walk between the monument. Have you been there recently? Yeah. But also, I feel like this is often the case. Because they want to keep it out of the way of, like, you don't want to ruin the site.

But I'm like, yeah, well, then let me just, like... I don't know, go there myself and I'll fling it. Like, let me pay on, I don't know, give me something else. So were you disappointed by the Stonehenge experience? Yeah. Yeah. It's just a long walk to get there and go. Yeah.

They say it's an ancient computer, an ancient stone computer of some kind. What? Like in a way in that it's something that allows you to calculate equinoxes or something. Oh, right, right. If you use it in the right way. But can you run doom on it? That's the question. get doom running on the old stonehenge

can get it on the visitor center computer yeah true I mean that would be pretty good yeah that'd be good enough something to do while you're at stone hit boring old stone yeah yeah um boring uh what about like you go

it's like you know your friend's like hey you're gonna pick up your friend and then his mom's like oh you guys want to come in before you guys go out and go no thank you it's okay we're just heading out and she's like oh I just made some you know potatoes and gravy and they're like oh it's okay but thank you very much

and she goes come in like that and then she kind of makes them eat potatoes and gravy and it's like the best gravy ever and then the people are like I actually want to have to eat this gravy again and and then they kind of subtly say it through the you know through the sun or whatever

like that and he's like nah I'll tell my mom if you guys want something it's like yeah and then and then you never hear back and they go what's your mom doing with that Is she inviting us over for gravy again? He goes, no, she just didn't really react to it. She said, okay, like that.

And so then next time they're over, they're like, hey, Kevin's mom, you should make some of those delicious potatoes and gravy? She goes, I'm not doing it. Yeah. Get the hint. Yeah. It's not happening. And then now they're like, now we have to freaking steal this recipe.

To figure out how she makes it. And they go like, you steal. And then he's like going through it. And then she catches them. He's like, what are you doing? Like that. And then she's got them all by the ball. Yes.

Knocks them unconscious and they wake up in the basement and she's boiling up all these other boys to make the gravy. Yes. Yep. Yes, I needed some boys. You know why it tastes so good? Because it's made from boys who love the taste of gravy. It turns out what you're tasting is the love of gravy.

And I give you pure gravy. love by getting it from boys who love gravy that's the only way yeah you're tasting your own love that's why it tastes so good that's right that's a bloody sketch man yeah that's real good sketch about gravy yeah baby guy yep you've only got two left damn it wondering if there's a name for this movie which is a pun on like grave hey you know gravy and like the good grave Grave mistake. Good gravy. Good.

Because it's so shocking. Grave mistake is it. Yeah. Good gravy. Because does it start as an accident? The first boy she cooks and makes gravy out of, it was happenstantial that that boy loved gravy. I mean, she might just be a witch or a psychopath, you know, someone who's... Like a path witch, maybe.

Would be. Could have done, but she's done it. She knows what she's doing from the very beginning. Yeah. She was luring boys. She's luring. She was using her goodies Gravy

To lure boys Gravy loving boys Gravy loving boys Gravy loving boys GLB She got them GLB That was gravy loving boys Hmm

The gravy loving boys Oh well the gravy loving boys You know we gotta have it The gravy loving boys Wonder how she makes it It's most bands Sing songs about the name of the band hey

maybe that's what's wrong with modern music you know Chopin was always writing about chopping you know and that's what I loved

about it chan chan I know that's not shopping but you know chan chan chan chan chan

chan chan maybe Beethoven was writing about chopping that doesn't sound like it's a song that's about chopping

he should have been writing about baitins and hovens is that is that bait da da da

da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da that's that's whatever I mean you're probably right? Maybe. Well, it's maybe Bach.

I've got absolutely no idea. The little whistle make you think it was Bach. Because I just, I, I recognized where I'd heard it from. Okay. Jack Black singing it. Oh. And a thing where it was Kyle, who's getting Kyle who's getting Kyle gas to.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And he'd go, rocking and fucking rolling, and fucking rocking, and fucking rolling. You know, I don't? Um, right, we're kind of like, what about this guy? What about a sketch? And it's like we do the bad, these, these, uh, we do a bottle of classical composers,

but they're in like sort of a gang. You know, they're sort of like the bad boys of classical music. Yeah. And they're doing a lot of like, uh, rock and roll kind of like debauchery, that kind of thing. Being rude in interviews. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. They've got those wigs on and stuff.

Yeah, but they do have like a piano with them. And then somebody comes up and they like, the hell you looking at, eh? Yeah. And then they play some dissonant notes for him. Then he runs off. Get out of him. I imagine they're in like a penny farthing gang. Like they get,

they play on penny farthings. Yes. Yeah. I mean, tough guy. Tough guy classical composers. Sort of in the modern day. Maybe like in the 1990s kind of like, you know, that part of a of like New York City or whatever where Crocodile Dundee was

when it was kind of a crime heavy. Is that like a sort of a bronxy kind of thing? A bronxy kind of area when the Bronx is a little bit rougher. I love that this is our reference point for Rough New York. You know, Crocodile Dundee? And we are finger on the pulse here. But it's classical European composers in the mean streets. Yeah.

And they've got that hair, they got that white hair. But they're combing it. Yeah, but they kind of got it like tied up and they got horse hair or whatever like that. I think that's cool there, though. Yeah, that's cool. That's really cool. Oh, that's a comedy sketch.

I mean, we don't know any of the funny stuff that happens, but... What about scaring the guy off? Yeah, that's true. With some dissonant chords. Yeah, okay, that was pretty good. And then they... You know, there's ode to joy, but he also, he can perform some sort of like... How about ode to fucking off or something, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. maybe a pain or something like that you know yeah yeah he plays it on this guy's chest with his knuckles oh yeah yeah yeah yeah look i don't have any more ideas for it right now do you guys ever think about like really wealthy people like pre but pre good plumbing like those like big estates they still like had to go like shit on a like a slab yeah like a plank with a big drop it was like not graceful yeah like they're like they're in these big robes and they're beautiful and then they go and they sit on a big bit of wood or something ceramic yeah yeah yeah yeah i think about that all the time yeah yeah about being like rich

and still having like a really shit yeah yeah yeah slightly less shit yeah everybody still has a but hole you know yeah even now you still have to you still have to in this day and age you Now wireless era. We would have thought we'd gotten rid of it. Yeah. It still has to be... I think to have a completely wireless butthole, you have to, like, shave your butthole.

Yeah, mine's got a few wars. Still got a few stragglers. They're pretty warry. Yeah. Look, I don't know if that's a sketch idea. Anyway, people's butts is a sketch idea. I take away... Taking away their butts?

Where are you putting them? your butt hole um well like uh like a a wireless but hole is like a like you can place your butt on a shelf somewhere so that it does it poos for you yeah oh yeah your poo still goes to it but it's like it's at home totally just sits in the toilet just walking around buttless and then and then what you can so you've you've taken out not just the butt but also a sort of a i guess the rectum and things like that where maybe there's some pop some puppy i guess the food goes in and it goes into your stomach and gets digested and then the digestion is sent by a like oh why it's like that yeah two years separate ass yeah yeah yeah i mean i think that is definitely

a sketch idea yeah yeah the wireless but hole i know but there's a part of me that's like well if you can have that why is it just not being teleported to like some sewer it's just the well it's one step at a time yeah yeah it's a product it's a you know maybe it's in beta testing or whatever yeah yeah and i think you know i think probably people would still want to like have their butthole. Yeah. Because you want to... Actually, because you do...

Sometimes it feels nice. Maybe. I might still want to feel. Like, I could be... I still want to feel it. I could be here. The sensation... I could be here doing this

and then be enjoying a shit at the same time. Yeah. Yeah, but then you're also going to be... The only way this could be a more pleasurable experience for me is of I was shitting right now. I know, but then you'll be talking to somebody and then they'll be going. Having a shit. Yeah.

Somewhere in the distance like that. Yeah. And you'd have that friend who's like, he, He reckons that, like, he's covert, and no one ever knows that he's shitting, but everyone does not. Yeah, I think just from having children, you see it in their face. Oh, you can tell. You can always tell. Yeah, yeah.

It's, oh, yeah, it's right in the face. You probably shit more in your face than you do in your butt. Yeah. Yeah. They do that little stop, and then you know what it is already, and then you ask, and they're like, no. No? No. I don't know what you're talking about

Yeah Why would I do that? What about, let's see? Interrogating a child? Yeah. See if they've actually done it? I mean, this is not a classy conversation I'm having right now, but like in a cop stuff?

Yeah, proper police style interrogation to see if they've actually gone. Yeah, but they're never acknowledging the stakes in the situation. Yeah. They're constantly just being cute and cute and deceptive. And so then they never give in, and then they leave that, and then their butt says, thanks for not snitching. But the fact is that, you know, I guess if they don't say anything, you've actually got no evidence.

You've got nothing on them. It's all circumstantial. Yeah. Right? And you can't hold them. Yeah. Right? For more than however long.

The face of the face we're talking about. Yeah. Yeah. The cops are not allowed to smell your nappy. No. No. Good. Yeah, great.

What about, um, what, like, my child just thinks everything that's a woman is her mom. Oh. Like a, like a baby goose. Yeah. Like, just like, like, there'll be a statue in the middle of town and be like, mom. It's like, yeah. But what if it was like me doing that? With your mom or with your beloved?

My mom. Yeah, with your mom. Like, I'm just like, I'm just convinced. Mama. Yeah, everyone in town. Everyone I meet. I didn't hear what this was. No, I mean, but I think it like...

It's not much. Yeah, but like even that thing of like a kid who goes up to and like accidentally holds the hand of like... Yeah, yeah. Somebody who they think is their mum. Yeah. I'd like to see like an adult man do that where they go and hold the hand of someone that they think is their girlfriend. Yeah. And then they look and see that it's not their girlfriend and they get really upset.

Yeah. It's okay, honey. It's okay. I'm over here. Ah! Ah! Yeah. And somehow that man is still trusted by the person.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, of course. That's just how we react. We're just that feeble-minded. Yeah, yeah. She was wearing the same dress as you. It's actually not very similar. You just don't really pay much attention to what I'm going. But she was wearing a dress.

And she's so tall. I'm a handbag. That's me done. Very sorry, Bronny. Yeah, you'd have to apologize. I mean, it's been so lovely having you. It's been a treat. Nice to see you. Nice to see you. Yeah. Welcome back to you.

To being. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Thank you very much. Thank you. I'm very confident in those clothes. Oh, thank you. That was what you told me to do. Yeah. I was comfortably. I'm going to give you a hug to you. Good luck.

Thanks, man. Sorry, I've got a lot. A pile of literal garbage in front of me here. I might even go throw that away. Yeah. And while Andy, throwing that away. Please welcome Zammett and Zoe! Bye, everybody.

Just on one of these ones, one of these ones, you know? Hello. Hello, how have you been? Yeah, good. How have you been? Good. I missed you. Yeah, I miss you too. You guys. It's nice to see you guys coming up. We have a little bit of energy in you. Sorry I took the, like, the dumb fuckiest way to get here. I don't No, no, no, that's probably the best way. Yeah, I guess can trip over your...

We're all... We're starting to fall apart a little bit. Good, we've come just as the chaos is like a hitting. How daunting is such an empty space? Like, genuinely... It's good, it's because it's a lot of people to bounce off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The energy that keeps you going.

Like, well, thank you so much. Oh, my God, so happy to be here. Oh, Lordy. You're about all this space. stuff that's going on with the blueberry trade? No, what's going on with the blues? Apparently it's super duper exploitative. There's been this massive growth in the blueberry thing in New South Wales

because there's low barriers to entry to the market apparently. You just plan a few blueberries and they're popping up like anything. How can it be? Then you need people to pick them. And it's very exploitative apparently. I went to a blueberry farm over the summer and they gave you a bucket and you had to pay them $20 for the privilege of a bucket. Yeah, and you gave them a real scam.

I'm like, that's what these articles are about, this exploitative situation. You have to give them the bucket as well. Yeah, you're like, oh. Pay 20 bucks. Here's two buckets. Fill them up. You get to keep half of one. Oh, okay.

That's still the cheapest way to get blueberries. Yeah. I was like, that's a kilo bucket for 20 bucks. That's great. I don't understand berries. Why are they? Okay, so there are tiny fruit. Tell me, ma.

Tiny fruit with skin. Tell me, ma. They grow in a shrub. But why do they get so mouldy so quickly? That's a good question. I think like in the environment... Because they're not on the shrub anymore. They don't have an incentive to stay not mouldy.

Okay. You know, like they fall down, they're on the ground, right? Like, what's in it for them to not go mouldy? They probably want to decompose so that... But don't they want to be eaten? To start, like, growing from. I guess. Well, they do want to get eaten, don't they?

Yeah, and then they just... They should stay delicious for ages. They should have this incredible shelf-like. I don't know if it's just... 200 years. Yeah, that would be so useful. Like, I don't know if I'm just very incompetent. A strong possibility.

Strong possibility. Or maybe I'm just like, you know, remembering, like, you know, rose-tinted glasses here. But I just like, you know, when my parents and mum, whatever, they're making, you know, I have fruits, whatever, like, you know, things would last for so long. Now I'm like, if I put cheese in the wrong container to the next day, I'm like, why is this just full of mold? And now I can't eat this. and I've just wasted a whole thing of tasty cheese. You've got something there. You've got something.

I think it could be that like... My fridge is fucked. I think it could be just that like when it was somebody else taking care of it, you have no fucking idea what was going on. It was a punitive... Now that you are an adult who's expected to be empty at your own fridge, you're seeing the mouldy food.

Also like, because you know you can have like all settings unlike your fridge, one of them is temperature. The other thing down the below, which is like crisper or not. I don't know what that does. No, no, no, no, no, no. I once put meat in the crisper and the crisper was turned up too high and it froze the meat. What does that mean? Too crisp?

It was too, well, I didn't want my meat twice. Why does two crisps freeze meat? That's crazy. I think, for who? Probably crispness is a sort of like, it's part of the freezing spectrum. It's part of like, you know, like the older you keep something. Uh-huh. Well, maybe it's to do with evaporation.

But like, if you have to say like, oh, like a frozen coat. is crisp. Well, I mean, I guess what I'm saying is ice, just crisp water. You know, super crispy. Very, yeah. Yeah. Crispy water. Oh, it's got a good crunch. You run your knife along it. Yeah. How crunchy this is. You could do that with a wet

sandwich. Put it in the freezer. Crisp it right up. My sandwich all wet. Yeah, it's actually a new food. And then you put it in the freezer, you go, fuck, this is ruined. But then you put it in the freezer and then you like comes out and you go, it's crunchy again. It's still good. Yeah. I don't know. It might work if you had a berry sandwich or something like that. Have you seen

I don't know if you guys are on juicein' TikTok. No. Oh, my God. The algorithm is given... I don't even know what they could possibly be. Well, the algorithm is exactly that juicin on TikTok. What is juicin? As in like, thinking juice.

Like squeezing juice, like a juice press. Right. Oh, I have seen some juice press stuff at some point. It just keeps popping up. And there's this one lady who's obsessed with it. And she's like the best way to get apple juice is to freeze your apples and then let them thore and they look foul. Like they look rotten. but so juicy

Wow yeah I guess because all the like The cell structure is all broken down or whatever Pretty much From the ice and the thawing And then you just what just squeeze it out It's a big it's a big clamper Goodness they don't hold anything back No and you don't have to waste your time

With the skin and the flesh Just the delicious juice Do that with like small chickens Yeah Freezing thorum Get the juice out of them They get the juice out of them I guess put the rest in it like a little bowl

Boils some stock Then you've got that pure chicken juice. But I guess they'll still have the organs. So then they still got their organs. They still, they won't give those up so easily. You ever tried to juice a banana? Let me tell you, you can't. What happens is it'll ruin your juicer

and you'll get like this weird, like almost like a thimble of banana oil. It's not great. Oh, no. Yeah, I was thinking about this just the other day. I was like, you know what? You never see banana juice. But it turns out it's impossible. I mean, if we could be the guy who could,

Cracks the banana juice, you know. Well, wouldn't it be a banana nectar? No, because, well, can we breed wetter bananas? Because a nectar is just a blitz juice. Did you say can we breed Bertie bananas? A wetter. A wetter bananas. Ah, yes.

Because, like, I've seen, you know, like, proto-watermelons, and they look all messed up. And I don't understand, I still, to this very day, do not understand how anyone, like, farmers, well done, because I have no clue. What a glower. I don't see that there was any potential. in that at all. I know. You have a look like where all the cabbage and that come from and you're like, how did anyone think

you know what? I'm going to make you big. You're going to be easy and sweet. Who's the like, who's the like talent scout who's like walking along through like a sort of like weeds and being like, you kid. I'm going to make you a salad. Imagine being sad, I don't know, like a dandelion

and then like you know, a bit of spinach. Everyone's like the spinach. Poor dandelion just sitting there being like, I am edible. I'm very beautiful flour. You could eat the shit out of me if you want. I look so good in a salad. No. Spinage. This is the one. This is the one. This kid's the one.

Yeah. Imagine that being able to spot it like that like you know that movie The Air Up There. Yes. No. Yeah, well the air up there is a guy He's like a basketball scout. He goes to Africa. He hears about some kid that plays really well and he's you know incredible at dunking. He goes into this like, you know, village where there's remote village. Yeah, remote village. What's like in a Kevin Bacon?

African tribe might have been Emilio Estevez. And then he finds out, you know, this kid is so good and he tries to bring him back to America so you can play basketball and be, like, you know, one of the best. But it's a guy who goes into sort of the bushland and he finds little fruits like this that are filled with seeds like this, and he kind of smells it, and he bites it,

and he goes, oh, like that. And he goes, oh, man, this could be an avocado. This could be an avocado. And everyone's like, what are you talking about? word, I'm just seeing it in my brain. He's like a breeding genius. And I don't know how many generations it must to be before you get.

Sometimes you need so many generations or years to before a fruit will even. But you can graft. And I think that does save some time. But it's still long. You're still going to wait for things to grow. When was the last time we got a new fruit? Yeah.

Wet banana. I reckon like almost anything you can like probably breed until it's edible right like anything that lives out there yes if you had enough time over enough generations you could get a version of that that you can eat yeah and it probably would be delicious and would have completely new flavors that we've never experienced before that's the thing is that like it mustn't be that common because like there's you know like the banana where there's still only like really one breed that you only ever see yeah when are we gonna get a wetter banana

I know we there is like weirdly there's a lot of other weird bananas out there there's like blue bananas, red bananas, all these kind of different colors. Blue bananas? Yeah, man, there's blue bananas. You go a little machine, you can look it up. Blueanas. Yeah, blue nanas. But yeah, we kind of have, I think it's like... What purpose is the blue nana? I, again, I don't know. You're not a farm talent scout.

I'm not, I'm not a fruit breeder. I'm sorry. I look at that and be like, well, that's just a plant, and I waste potential. That's not for me to eat. No, but I know there's like all these different kind of, like, yeah, weird, I guess like, types of bananas that are out there. We just don't consume a lot of. Like, we just have like... I guess it's the one, the one, the one, Cavendash, that's the big one?

It's the monopoly thing. It's the economies of scale. It's the monoculture. It's like, what's the incentive for the corporations to bring us any of these other bananas? When we'll eat up this cavendish slop, you know, that they... Yeah. This dry, Jesus banana. We lost another banana due to some fungus that just wiped all that out, and so we just don't get that one anymore.

Now we have to settle on the cavend dish. Is that the one that, like, where the artificial banana flavor? This is what everybody says. I refuse to believe there was ever an actual banana that tasted like the lollies. And it's a banana truth. Who is it? Yeah, but seriously, who seriously thinks, like, the banana lollies are the real flavor of banana? Occasionally you eat a grape and you're like, that tastes like deep flavor.

You know, and you're like, peach always tastes like peach flavor. Yeah. Peach is a good one. I think it's very pure. It's closer. Yeah. It can be closer. Watermelon ones, okay.

but I do prefer fake watermelon. It's sweeter. It is sweeter. You got to get back out in the fields and stop breeding those watermelon. It's not breed more watermelons. Got to get them like, yeah, those seedless ones. They do that.

I think a guy, yeah, a guy who, you know, is like part of a company and he releases a banana juice. And he's, and all the competitors are like, I just have a juice of banana. What are you just blending them with water? And, like that. I can't say that and then they're like

and then they find out he's finally bred a wet banana yeah like that are a banana they're like that straight out of the peel you open up the peel it's just liquid balls on your ground

yeah yeah you can you can shove a little pet in there stab a little hole you can just suck the whole thing down straight from the in the Watson if you're out in the sun a bit

let it ferment just like yeah a little bit of alcohol how about this is a short film right it's a guy's chopping cucumbers on the chopping board there right right and then like one of the little slices of cucumber rolls you know how they do that sometimes they do try to escape roll off the chopping board it might even roll all the way across the bench and then down onto the ground right and it starts rolling across the floor right and he's chasing

after it and it's rolling and he's chasing it it's ducking and weaving in between the the legs of the chairs under the table he goes under the couch he's lifting up the couch and it rolls out and it's over there again It's a whole film. Yeah. Yeah, okay. You know, like the drama. Like a mouse hunt or something like that.

Okay. And this thing drives him completely mad. He's turning the whole house upside down and the little cucumbers peeking out from behind things and then it keeps rolling. Sometimes he'll try to get ahead of it as it's rolling under a couch or something like that. He waits on the other side.

He doesn't come out and he's like, ah, now. And then he goes around and he goes checking and then it comes out like it. It just had slowed down or something like that now it's off again. It goes down a hill. goes through somebody's house and he goes through somebody's house and a dog goes into a dog

try to chase it and the d d d d dages out of the way of the dog yeah yeah yeah i was thinking because you could you know if he was maybe it starts rolling and all this kind of stuff happens but then like maybe it hits a banana and that's when he gets the eureka right oh there we go we bring it all back

yeah yes the cucumber and the banana same shape basically and like I assume you get them humping or whatever and then you have a lovely wet banana Dry humpin. Can you write down my runaway cucumber slice idea? This is like man versus B. Man versus B, exactly.

It's very much, but this is more man versus C. C for cucumber. Oh, the letter. Man versus C, the ocean. Oh, I mean, what a great. I mean, yeah, I hear that was the original title of Old Man in the Sea. I was going to say a perfect storm.

Moby Dick. Moby Dick. That's about it. That's better. This molded dick. Advency. Molded? Yeah.

Like moldy? Or like molded? Like shaped? Moldy's better. Moldy's better. It's not. I don't want you to think that I agree with Alistair. It's better to have a moldy dick.

And it's a sea vessel. Somebody smells like their dick is moldy. Oh, wow. Captain A. have knows that he has to hunt that down he has to hunt it down and find out and none of the men yeah yeah yeah it's a real white fungus yeah yeah and uh and then it turns out it's actually his own oh no yeah yeah it turns out you shouldn't wash it with seawater yeah yeah and then he was like because he was threatening to cut it off it so then he has to cut off his own front genital

and uh and then he throws it into the sea and then he's been the white whale Oh, comes up and gets it. Because it looks like a, just from afar, it looks like a giant squid. But he thought it was much further away. I can see that. I mean, it's definitely, it really overshoots.

He was like, oh, he's starting to swim towards it, but then he realized it was really hard. It's right there. I shooed that was a giant squid far away. I didn't think it was just a regular-sized squid, close up. That's a lot of mold going on, man. To make it look like a giant squid.

A lot of tendrils. Yeah. Oh, man, mold tendrils. Andy's starting to crumble as well. No, I'm absolutely fine. I don't know what you're talking about. What's your sketch count? 24, 5.

Well, I was thinking in terms of going back to like the banana idea in terms of like, this is weirder to taste like this. What about like a marketing exec being like, we're going to new Coke this? And it's all about trying to get the people on board to eat the bullshit cabin dish banana. that everyone is loathed. And so they try to be like, well, you have to tank or, like, make up this complete lie.

New banana. You know how it used to taste like this? Chalky, garbage, yucky. No, it's because, you know, maybe these banana sales are like tanking. And so there's this lie that just goes around the world. Did you know? Well, I reckon. There was a fungus that went around and killed all these.

It's just an exact lie. It never was a better banana. Exactly. It's a sole banana chop. Yeah. Yeah. I think it probably is close to that. I think it's probably whoever makes the fake banana.

Someone was like, that doesn't taste like any banana I've ever had. And they're like, well, that's because it's actually like even more like a banana. It's because you've never had a real banana. It's not that this banana isn't real. It's that you're wrong about everything. Exactly. Banana truth is. Yeah.

I'm a fan of banana truth. You guys are going to get little hats. You're going to get to the bottom of this. Meet up in, like, a basketball court, like, rent that out once a week, so you guys can have your meetings. Search basement? Yes. We've got to weave the devil in there somehow. Take off our shirts and we wrestle.

Yeah. Got good again. Yeah. Yeah, you got to make out a little. Why not? Just go out. First rule about banana truth is you can't talk about banana truths. Because we do a lot of kissing and wrestling.

And our wives will be mad. Sorry, honey, I'm working on my projects. There's always love talking about bananas. It's a kiss club. Everybody's got a kiss. It's your first night, everyone's got to have a kiss. And then so you, you kiss. That's pretty awesome.

It's got a nice. Someone has to win the kiss. I always kiss to win. Yeah, I always kiss to win. Obviously. It's got to be a winner and loser in any. Yes. How would you win a kiss?

How do you think? Like, is it the first one to pull away losers? Yeah, it's like, is it an endurance? Is it about your tongue strength? First one with chapped lips, losers. Yeah, true. If you can make the other person open their eyes, you win. Then how do you know unless your eyes are over there?

I mean, you have to have an independent observer. I guess that's where the referee comes in. That makes sense. You've got to do something. God, I love kiss club. Yeah, feel an arm reaching up and them. their watch like I won. I think running an online course or maybe a series of short lectures called Kiss to Win. Joel Zabbit.

Seminar. Okay. I like this. Okay. Okay. We're going to go down like the, the, um, those freaks who aren't like alpha enough or whatever. Oh, you're not kiss enough. Yeah, exactly. The reason why you're a big pathetic man baby whose wife hates you and your kids don't talk to you is because you don't know how to kiss. So come to my kiss school. And we will sort you right out It's a low low cost of maybe like 5 grand, let's say Yeah, 5 grand to kiss

And that's how you tame You can kiss that money goodbye Exactly And you'll be It'll say thank you When you finish by gosh Yeah yeah Yeah yeah

And miss that money goodbye Because you'll win the kiss And you essentially are sort of like Submitting somebody into loving you through dominating them like You would like a horse You got to break them in

Using the power of like Yeah So you'll lash the tongue with you your tongue. You've got to break a spirit. You've got to let them essentially put, you've got to put a saddle on their tongue and then let your tongue ride their tongue like that.

Like a lot of like, yeah, yeah, yeah, tongue exercise, like montage or whatever. You know there's like the tens machine things, like one of the little sticky zappy boys on the tongue, turn that right up. Oh, feeling the electrodes. It's like a little straw that you've got to lift. Yeah.

You can get stronger. Oh, dumb. We all, I assume, before we kiss and intended, we do all say, one, two, three, four, I declare a tongue war. That's normal, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. Yeah, got to pin them down to, like, against the cheek.

Yeah. That's how you win. It's how you win kissing. I never want to be a kiss loser. That's embarrassing. It really is. Ah, to be a kissed loser? Did you hear Joel Zammott is a kiss loser?

Oh, that's so bad, man. That's so bad. You're going to live it down. Going to hiding. There's one, I guess, let's call this a joke. I don't know. That's a good start. Maybe a prank, let's say, that my wonderful wife used to do where it was like,

yeah, you go for a kiss, whatever. And then, like, she would just, like, and then not give any feedback. Oh, wow. It was the worst. It was like, can we not do this? I know you find this fun. God, she's awesome. Into the void.

Yeah. The void does not kiss. Oh, it really did not. And it's like, I know, I understand this a little, little, a little joke for you. That's funny. But I hate, it's called deadmouthing. It's a trend. That's how you win.

I'm a very submissive kisser. I don't do any work. My tongue just lies there. The kissing starfish. And you just, you just, you do. whatever you want. My mouth is asleep. If you want tongue,

you've got to suck it out. My mouth is a sleep. My mouth is asleep. You can do what you want. You do what you want. You guys didn't hear this, but Zoe said something very funny. I said, if you want tongue,

you've got to suck it out of me. I'm so used to just everyone being like, it's all right, so it's all right. I'm like, okay. Come and get it. It's hiding back there. Make me. You're going at the front going,

you're going to brat is going a bratty tongue that's just like refusing. Can't get it. Don't have it. You can't have a kiss. Man, re-eventing kissing rules. Oh, we do it every couple of podcasts. We talk about it a lot.

We love to talk about kissing. Kissing. What are you talking about? Bucy boys. Fair enough. It is a... It's a weird little, I guess, yeah, thing humanity does.

I guess other... I think it's so strange. Other animals do that? No? I mean, they... Chimps? They kind of, like, touch each other, and they do...

I reckon, like, maybe not, like, kissing in the same way. Not the French style. Yeah, but they like... Like, like, like, each other. French... French, yeah, like, what about, I like, French animals, like if I, the French cows or whatever?

Bulldog. Bulldog? Yeah, yeah. Would you French kiss a French bulldog? I guess it's just a, would you kiss a bulldog? Of all the animals, of all the dogs, they probably are the one closest to being able to kiss. You know, like, their tongues are already out. Flat face, right?

So, like, you can. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. No snout. I actually, I did see a guy, a comedy who's in, uh, righteous, Ryan. stones, righteous gemstones. I love that show. Yeah, I haven't watched it, but he has a monkey at some point, right? And he says he kisses the monkey on the mouth.

And he said that no matter how tight he makes his lips, that monkey pushes its tongue. That's a kiss winner right there. This guy, this actually happened, for real. With a real wild monkey, and he kisses on the lips. The monkey. It's not a wild monkey, but it's a wild monkey. Yeah, it's a monkey, which carries monkey diseases. That's so upsetting.

It really is. And he said every time he would just try to, try to close his lips, and he said it could just get its little tongue in. I guess that tongue is designed to, like, get a grub out of like a hole in a branch or something. Wrap around to termites. Yeah, if I could come back from that,

knowing that my lips are so weak. Can't even fight a monkey's tongue. No. Like, you just, you never. Stop to think about the strength of your lips He was being too passive He needed his tongue to fight the monkey's tongue Yeah, I'm like

You just don't realize Should have pinned it down, yeah How strategic, you know, a monkey's It's so thin You know, there's almost probably, it must be It's just a little monkey with a tiny head like this I mean, so thin

Think about my son when he wants to put his finger In my mouth Yeah There's nothing I can do I can stand between him and his Like he's, he He gets it in Yeah, he gets it

and he's relentless. Your son's really into hand in mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like 11 months and that only started maybe, yeah, a couple weeks back. But now, like, you know, bedtime, even just to date. He does it to me. And you're like, thanks, buddy. And you try and close it off, but then eventually something about it and the way he looks

it, makes you laugh, and then he's in. Yeah, yeah. Damn it. He's, he had my... He's doing it to me, and I'm like, and then he's giggling. And you're like, he's loving it a lot. And I'm like, I guess this is a joke. I don't know.

Yeah, but I guess also getting, like, getting little grubs out of little... What's that about? Yeah, getting little grubs out of holes and trees and things like that, you know, and being able to get your tongue in there and scoop them out and stuff like that. That's probably what kissing is for. It's just training for getting grubs out of trees. And the tongue is, the other tongue is just like a little grub. Yeah, well, that's right.

It's, it's one of them. It allows to get assimilated very quickly. They're like, oh, one of us. This would be a great thing for this. Kissing influencer who's telling you that you're kissing wrong. This would be one of his things is like you've got to stop thinking about kissing is kissing and think about it as like gathering food as hunting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could get a lot of people to like to practice on pieces of wood and try and get the caterpillar out of there. Like a like a paw, paw, cut in half. You've got to get every single one of them seeds. Sure. And maybe we can talk about, so the history of kissing actually, you know, everyone thinks why do we?

do this and the reason why is because we're trying to get the food out of the other person. It was about food scarcity and it's always about trying to make sure that you are the kiss winner. Again, a low low cost of five grand for my kiss.

When you can learn about so much about kissing and then we just lie heaps. Yep. God, the money's going to come rolling in. By the way, if you guys want to sign up a... Send us an email at To In The Think Tank at gmail.com.

I'm looking to sign up for our kissing seminar. We need the money up front. We have a lot of kissing techniques that we are developing that could make you a much stronger kisser. We actually do say that we can get you your lips so tight that you, a monkey can't get it. Yeah, well, I mean, you will have total mastery of the mouth. And you will decide who comes in your mouth in the circumstance.

they come. Yeah, that's right. There will be no... Operation, sovereign borders. For the lips. Overeign lips. Yeah. You could do a lot with the whole, yeah, I guess, the Kiss Club.

Like, you know, your first assignment of, like, you know, when they go, instead of Project Mayhem, it'd be like, you know, project something else. Hmm. I want to say Project Kiss, but that's so lazy. Yeah, I'm like... Project Kissy-Kissie. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Project Kissy-Kissie-Kissie. You know, like, oh, okay, you know, you've got to... Project Muwa, Mois. Project Mois. No, rather than going and, like, you know, picking a fight, you've got to go there and like... That the military hires one of these guys. And it's like, we're actually looking at developing new techniques

for our spies to, I think. And we would like, maybe if we could hire you and you join our team, we'd be willing to give you access to many countries and, you know, many tribes. that you may have never even heard of untold kissing techniques that might be out there and putting you at the absolute cutting edge

as long as you're willing to give up some of your secrets. I just say the idea that the military has secret kissing techniques that they're not telling them. Like that this could be a way of kissing that was developed by the CIA and that, you know, that has been used

only just emerging into the public. Or possibly, you know, it's a way of it. of Kissing has been developed by NASA. They can kiss in space. I do like the idea of... It's one of the biggest struggles. It really is.

Just clunk, clunk, clunk. I like the idea of interrogating with kissing. The CIA, like they... I can just imagine being in the room. You know, there's a prisoner that you're trying to get war secrets out of. You're like, you know, man, I don't want to do this. No one wants to be here. But you've got to tell us the war secrets.

And we've tried everything. We've tried Georgia, and we've tried other legal techniques. We haven't tried the one thing. Welcome, Joel Zammach. It's like a chapstick. We have reached 250. We are at that. Nice, nice, nice, nice.

Now we're energized. Let's keep moving. Let's use it. Other sort of like, you know, films and parodying in terms of like, I'm, like, I'm, I'm thinking of like, you know, the Jurassic Park series, but the more, like, you know, not the most recent one, but the recent one before that with old mate, what's his name?

Chris Pratt? Chris Pratt, where he's like, you know, trying to train raptors for the military for some reason to get into tunnels, but no, no, no, no. We're trying to train the best kissable raptors. Most kissable raptors. It's good because your teeth are pointing and they're definitely not trying to eat you.

Exactly, with the most kissable dinosaur. And yeah, Chris Pratt doing that thing in the trailer where he's like, wait, wait, wait. To a dinosaur. I mean, like, train these dinosaurs to go into the tunnels of, I guess it was like vague Middle East back then that they were trying to get these raptors for. They had that yellow, like that okra tone over the flashback,

so you know. Yeah, yeah. Is this the thing that there actually is a flashback in the Jurassic Park movie where they're trying to train? No, that was just a thing that they would do at the time. Like, they have this, like, very specific color grading for what part of the world you're in. And so, like, if you're going to Mexico,

code, they'll color grade it quite yellow. Yeah. And like a really warm kind of sunflower yellow. And if you're going to the Middle East, they'll use more of an okro yellow. Wow. And then if you're going anywhere cold, obviously, it's just blue. There's lots. If you're going into the computer, green. Green.

Because we understand that. Yeah, man. Look at the computer. You're like, oh my God, the computer, green. Never seen a goddamn green computer in my life. You can't break the computer because the green will get out. You keep the green in there. Otherwise, it won't go.

How does it eat the computer? Man who watched Matrix wrong. Yeah, it's green. You got a state, you can't hit a computer. That's why you couldn't get the pills. The pills were in blue or red. Yeah. Oh, green. Oh, green.

They develop a kissing raptor for the UN peacekeeping forces. And then, so at any point, somebody is getting too upset. they said send in the raptors like that and then they take them like that they go

like that they jump at them and they grab them they take them into a bedroom and they lay them down and they give them look because that way they're capable of defending themselves they're only there to calm you down and do this a calming kissing techniques that have been taught to them by their trainers like what was the giant T-Rex thing

that they created Dominus Rex Yeah So it's like we got to create It also go invisible It did It was like camouflage That was too much

I love that you go to a dinosaur I don't remember that part of that movie At all You go to a dinosaur park And apparently it's too boring So we need to make a dinosaur You cannot see Yeah

Yeah did it guys Coming to our dinosaur What if we made a dinosaur you can't see So what if we made a dinosaur It is it is like you go to the zoo in the time You go to the zoo and the the tigers ride at the back?

You're like, boo! I'm closer. It looks evening, I swear. What if we made, at a dinosaur, like, like, T-Rex size with such big lips, he can kiss whole armies at once. Wow.

What if you just dropped giant, like, just like... Operation Dino kiss. It's an inflatable set of lips that you drop over the front line. We've gone too far on the kids. Yeah. It's okay. But you go back in time, you drop it. You got a lot of sketch ideas.

You drop it on the front line. Frontline of the First World War, you change the whole course of history. These big, wet lips. It's just material, and then it inflates in the air like one of those safety balloons. And I'll tell you what this is.

This is where we make love, not war. And it's where, instead of hurting people on the field, we try and make them as happy as possible. It's as pleasured as possible. please them to make them feel good and special and loved. And then whoever makes the most people on the other side love them the most wins the war.

Okay. There's still always winners. Driving your huge tank across the love fields. Yep, yep, yeah. With the big gun thing on the front but with lips on the end. Oh, nice. So instead of like medics, you just have like a hand doing like this motion, like a fist almost

and so it's like we have like a crack team that are going to go in there like you know hey white flag whatever but like hey we'll just jerk you guys off we're not here to shoot you this is this like you know like a whole bunch of hands and that's their tactic to be like

I think everyone this needs to calm down from an old technique from the Romans where they would all stand behind shields with one hand sticking out and they would why do you think that was so good Holding a spears. It's the same motion.

It's the same. It's the same motion. Often holding my... Yeah. Yeah. You're there, but, you know, you're making the phalanx or whatever. A couple hands stick out.

You know, it's just easy to there. Just like, you know, line up, gentlemen. Dada. Like a tank with just, you know, like a fleshlet on the end. Come on in. Better than the lips. Better than the lips. Better than the little different type of lips.

Different type of lips. You still kiss it Wouldn't recommend You weird perfect Kiss your fetter fleshline The kissing fields That's what it's beautiful Andy

That is beautiful I'm sorry for bringing it down with my Smush He refuses It refuses to acknowledge You gotta trudge through some Difficult terrain To arrive at the love

Pound Yeah What about a guy? What about that thing where they get out of the, what is it, the Christmas Day armistice or whatever, where they come out of the trenches and they play a game of soccer? Yeah. You know, there's in a break in the fighting. Did that really happen?

I know of one instance, which I think is, I believe it was the Canadian army that were basically like, they lobbed over some food. And I think the Germans, like, were freaking out. like, wait a second, it's, oh my God, it's food. And so they started, like, you know, eating it was kind of. And then they kept doing this for a bit. And everyone was like, because the gym's like, more and more, because they were, like, starving or whatever.

And then, and then, I'm pretty sure this may be a war crime. And then the... Throw us some poisoned food? Well, no, they throw over grenades. Got them! And then they ate them because they were so hungry. And they're like, they always throwing food. Whatever they throw, it's always delicious.

I know, those canadies, they know how to cook. They put them, like, gravy on everything. Oh, no, no. That's just like, the opposite. of what I think a Canadian would do You forget how brutal Like the Canadians are If anyone was going to invent kissing war

Yeah Would be Canada Yeah Because they then They might have but they said it Poisoned up their lips They kiss to win Yep

All right Let's see But what could they do Instead of playing soccer In like a Christmas Day armist They come out of the trenches They walk towards each other And then

They Let's see You're like a gift dictionary. What about if it's like you nominate a birthday boy? Because Christmas is always about Christmas giving gifts. I want to think back, you know, like, who is your side's birthday boy for the day? Yeah. And then that way one nominates, you know, like it's like, okay, it's over there.

It's Greg. And over there, it's Hans and they come out. They're like the designated birthday boy. And then there's like a very tense walk. Yeah. Towards each other, a little handshake. And then it's like a little bit of presents. And then it's a day of celebration.

What about? What about that? A grenade. Got him. After a little game of soccer, one guy's like, they're all getting along really well, and he sees like one of the German helmets.

He's one from the Allied forces. And he puts one on, and he goes, oh, ho, ho, like that. And they're like, oh. Like that, and then he goes down into their trenches, and he's like, oh, you're right, in their guns,

he's like, oh, ho. And they're like, oh, ha. And then he kind of grabs, and gets in one of their trenches. tanks and he's like oh, and he's like,

oh, and they're like, all right, stop doing that. Yeah, and he's like, and then he, I don't know, he gets,

and he works his way up, maybe it grabs like, you know, a general's high, he's like, oh, give it orders, like,

it's all the way to the lid, goes into Hitler's house. Oh, he's up, oh, oh, oh,

ah, because that's what they don't tell you about Hitler. He loved to laugh. He love a laugh. isn't that great I think that's a good scene to see play out

in like one of these documentaries about about about Hitler there's only a few they should make more and do you think there's any risk that SBS will be the people who clone Hitler to bring him back

so that they've got more material for more documents Yeah it is a risk It's always a risk. It's their adominious, Rex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, invisible Hitler.

Okay, so they clone him, okay. Why didn't we make him invisible? Okay, they clone him, right? So, SBS, they're like, okay, Redding's are down. We're out. Turns out, we've said... No one wants to watch documentaries about Hitler anymore. Turns out, we've said all we can.

We need new Hitler. And so then they did this whole idea of, like, you know, gene-splicing, and they get Hitler, they claim him, whatever, they raise it, whatever. And then he gets into art school, but he's accepted. Because I'll take anybody, that. I'll take everyone these days, right? It's like, and he's accepted, and he just does that. And then SBS are like, come on, do a thing.

Go on, do something. And he's just like painting portraits, doing like this, send them off and everything. That's a beautiful portraits of German Shepherd dogs. If you could just, I don't want to say it, do it. For the ratings. Come on. Hosted by Mark Fennell.

Is that a joke? Is that a skit? Is that a bit? Can we make that? Does that count? If we cloned Hitler and then brought him back to see if he'd do it again?

Do it again. Do it again. And he's like, I don't know what you're talking about. Could you do a sitcom about like a guy who is a cloned Hitler? Yeah. Who's like... Oh, the expectations.

Yeah, exactly. They did that one, they did that one where it was like a... Did it? They did a Honey I'm Home kind of level Hitler and Hitler wife. Eva Braun. Eva Braun, thank you.

And it was like, I think it aired twice and then the universe was like, bad, bad, who made this? I guess... I said you're saying my Hitler clone sitcom, but this is like actual Hitler. It wasn't as a problem when they did, is it Hogan's Heroes? Where it was like the sitcom based in World War II

and it was like, wow, how can we make this a comedy? It's all in like, no, no, no, we'll make it. like one of the guy a little bit fat and he's jolly and a bit stupid and you're like we do find that funny but we'll only give you 10 seasons I reckon there's enough there

you could cut it did mash like for ages yeah do a little sitcom on Kim Jong-un I can be nice a thing where they're all maybe like where all the

like you know Trump and Putin These guys are all just in a prison at the Hague Oh good, it's good You brought it back to being something moral I was like, oh like a Big Brother house Can you believe it? Okay, hang, Big Brother House

With a lot of like, yeah, like A war crameters of old A housemate, yeah, like a housemate show But they're all cellmates in a prison Okay Full Hague This is great And you're doing amazing work

Doesn't quite It doesn't quite scared as a pun title, but, you know, whatever. We got it. We got it briefly. Who are you having in there? Who's in the... Is it contemporary, or you're like, you know, grabbing from his? I think it's contemporary and then like one deep cut.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay. Maybe the ghost of Gaddafi or maybe. Maybe Ogabi. there. Oh, yeah, good list. Yeah, yeah.

Great list. Real top-notch list. Speaking of lists. I don't think we need to go any further with it. They're just, you're having a nice situation. I think it's a good. It's a cute thing with these really horrible men. Yeah.

If we're changing years, I was thinking about this today, I would love to pitch me my idea of a late 2000s TV show I would like to make about... So you know how in the late 2000s there was very much like, we're going to give you a cop show but the cop show, like there's something, there's a twist. Like the cop, it's a cop and a writer.

It's a cop and like, because I was thinking about this because I was watching Inspector Rex. It was like a cop and a dog. And it was like, it was like, what's the weird partner that we could have? for our cop the worst animal partner not even animal i was thinking sock cop and it's a so it's a sock puppet okay yeah and it's like just a man and his puppet trying his best to solve murders but i will also accept any anything worse you guys can think i was thinking either a ferret or a parrot

would be pretty terrible oh rat murder yeah yeah i mean i do think yeah like having a puppet with him it's like a it could be a ventriloquist a ventriloquist cop who finds that you know people are more likely to talk to the to the puppet and so you could use some famous ventriloquist it's the whole ventriloquist squad and they

they show up at different places and when there's criminals to talk to they can sort of the puppet can insult them which as a cop they can't yes you know and that and that gets them upset I mean it definitely would get them around over there are lots of I didn't kill him the puppeteen

if you're interrogating them like they would like throw their voice and like get the other person to admit that they did it because they're just like well so many more clients do you see that like you just said you guilty

I don't know it really sounded like it was I mean they can't actually make their voice sound like it's coming from somewhere else right that's not I mean don't we call it throwing your voice yeah and look but I don't think you can make the sound

seem like it's It's coming from a different location. Why not? This isn't a criticism of your idea. It's called throwing your voice. Surely it would be like you can't that sounds like it's coming from across the table, right? They can't? Are you sure?

How sure are you? And then I don't think, even if they could, I don't think that would show up on the recording. How many ventriloquists have you met? I've met zero. I don't know any of their skills. They have to say it in there. I know of.

I mean, they could have been. They have to say it in their hand and then you eat it across the table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how it works. Yeah, throwing your voice. How does that work? It's a buddy cop duo.

It's a partner's kind of thing. But like maybe one of them is corrupt. Like maybe the dummy is corrupt. And the... You've got a chucky situation going on? Yeah, and they're like the ventriloquist is the good... Well, if we're speaking... Like, yeah, 2000 era TV shows.

Can I pitch you a bad idea? Yeah. So kind of like the mask magician Who is like here are my secrets of like how they're doing it Oh wow Mask ventriloquist who explains to us how What the fuck does that mean when he throws his voice Yeah

It's going it's one episode because there's not a lot to it Immediately cancelled Who gives the secrets And he goes here's how we do it And I drink a glass of water Of course he's got a mask on So you don't even see his lips move anyway right Maybe it's like one of them like

A lot easier for you Okay so a mask and like the lips are exposed. No, no, it doesn't. And so it's just the lips there. I guess, like a gimp mask. Unzipper, be like, I'm here to show you guys a secret. Yeah. Yeah.

What a nightmare show. I wonder if it got cancelled after an episode. It also had run its course. It was done. It really was. Like 15 minutes of the next year, 50. We were just padding a tie. The mask magician? The mask vet trillic. Yeah, yeah.

We'll get like, yeah, David Strassman on there. What about a Furby that talks And because did they ever actually talk Or did they actually learn to talk? They speak Furbish They speak Furbish They I had a Furby that would just go Mama

And that would go off in the middle of the night Which was, I mean a great toy A great toy Wasn't it all built on lies And like that was like the whole Like the Furby can like listen to you And it'll be able to like you know You know mimic your

Or just had a weird And we'll learn the language Or whatever and then like it got to the point where yeah it's like you know you can't have this around like any level of security clearance and there was like all this bullshit that went around it because it was just actually listen at all at all like at all like it's just it's like almost a timer to be like oh it's learning a bit of english there we do yeah that's why it would go off in the middle of the night because eventually it would just be like oh we're happening like you'd have to turn it off for it to stop making noise okay what about okay another sketch what about one that does learn yeah it's kind of like yeah we'll use a little fur bee to infiltrate and learn some of these war secrets. I don't have any fur. It's called a skin bee. Okay.

Okay. Okay. It's just sort of like fleshy. Yes. What he's doing that with toys, right? I mean, I guess you get the dolls, right? But none of them have a realistic human skin. They just feel like rubber. Yeah, exactly. I don't want that.

This is as close as it gets to real human skin. Yeah, yeah. This is meat. You know, because his girlfriend's really into it or something. That guy buys it. And he's like, oh, I'm bringing it back from, you know, wherever I am, like that. And then this one, you know, he's like, and then it does talk a little bit.

And he's like, these things are really weird, man. He's talking a bitch. He goes, yeah, yeah, they make sounds infurbish or whatever. He goes, no, man, this one's saying stuff. I don't know. Telling me to do things or... Kill your girlfriend. A real son of Sam.

Skinby situation. The Furby told me to do. Okay, okay. Well, the Skinby told me to do it. Skinby told me to do it. It needed more skin. Oh. Skin be, one of its things that it, part of its selling point is, like, if you test it in the shop, it says, kill your girlfriend. That's what it does.

The mere skin. Yeah. These ones are furnished. That seems to be tongue. Tell me some cool ideas. That's how you know, it's a real one, not just like a skin booboo or something like that. You got a real one. You got a real one.

You're a collector's item. Then he brings it to the girlfriend, and she's like, oh, it's a real, yeah, I don't know. I mean, obviously it's a joke, and then she gets convinced. Yeah, you should kill me, hon. Yeah, she kills him and feed me the skin bee. To the skin be. And it has heaps of new skinby babies. His skinby babies, baby has little skin bees, mixed shoes and all that.

These little gross little. How do you feel about those dolls that you can get where they like wet their nappy and stuff? You feed it whatever and then I like it. Yeah. Horrible. Why would you do this? That's the worst part of a baby Babies are obsessed with babies

Yeah Like babies are obsessed with babies Because they're the baby Yeah That's like us watching TV And being like wow What a realistic story I'm watching It only knows baby

Fair enough But it should be It would be like having a doll Of like a working man Right But he keeps Spilling his coffee over his keyboard Yeah

It's a really good Yeah Is it like life-like? Yeah, he's life-like like dad. His hair is slowly falling out. Oh, hair grows from his ears. You've got to yank it out. Get out of his ears.

You've got to try and convince him that it actually does look really gross and you have to let us deal with it. Mom, can I get a little businessman? No, that's just an ad. That's crap. You don't need more stuff. Oh, but he cries alone in his car. Yeah.

Now with real crying action. Mop up his eyes and make him feel better. Your work matters. He'll get promoted one day. Stuck in like traffic jam office worker. Constantly like, my wife's going to be mad if I'm light. We have dinner with her parents.

He always has dinner He always has dinner with the parents They live with him He didn't want it But now his in-laws live with him Or worst-case scenario They now have to live with the in-law Oh, because he's made some bad financial decisions

Exactly And they won't let him forget it No And like Yeah he is in Paris I love that it's a full set You can buy them all You can buy parents-in-law

You are really like Mim, me, me, me. It's like, yeah, the father-in-law just has like a stern just They all have like a... He's impossible to impress. It would never be good enough for his little girl. No. You think you're trying to get your father's approval was hard.

Wait till you find out trying to get your wife's father's approval. And his dog has cancer. Mr. Toto, you're a good boy. The dog's got all the weird lumps Oh, so lumpy The dog has cancer You've got to take it to the vet But you also don't want to be late for work

What do you do? Tell me, is this cute or is this bad? Go on My wife and I We used to have a dog She was quite a large dog And we would do this really cute thing Where I think it was cute

Where we would come to each other At some point and say I found a lump And then we'd just say you'll leave a pause and then you point to the dog. There she is. That's great. It's a high stakes game.

It is a high stakes game. I mean, it's quite good. And maybe we'll make a future one. The stakes are going to get higher, maybe. But when it's real, I think there's an element of like, no, this time it's.

Like being able to say, like, no, this time it's real whilst keeping a straight face. Yeah. You know, I think I might make a, You know what, though, because she passed away that dog. If I ever got, Carly, we adopted another dog without telling her, it would be a great time to bring back the joke. Yes.

Oh! Even more serious. And then, you know, and then maybe... How are you holding the dog? I go so far as to, like, I've got some photos from, I went out, I got some things done, open the envelope, there's pictures of the dog I just adopted in there. Oh, as he is. Or, no, wait, it's scans of my actual testicles that I have had made, right?

But if you look really closely, I've photoshopped one of them to be a picture of a little dog. Yeah, yeah. And also here's the real scans, and my testicles are so lumpy. I don't know what that's about. I think the arc for this short film or whatever, it's the joke about the dog, right? Then you actually get a lump on your testicle or something. that go through treatment and then you're better yeah remission tonal mission yeah then you go oh no I found another love yeah and then it's the new dog yeah that's really great you know look how

heartwarming that ends it's it's one of the most heartwarming yeah yeah it's actually my heart is actually hot now incinerating yeah yeah yeah yeah heart is actually boiling it's burning It's hard. I can't live. I'm not living anymore. Yes. It's a little lump. It's a little lump. Nice little short film. It's very nice. A little lump. A little lump.

Thank you. What about somebody who's like actually genuinely believes that taking in MDMA made them a better person? Some people do say this. It just makes you sweaty. You don't believe that? I mean, I partially believe it. which is what. Okay, right.

Yeah. So this is drawn from life. This is sort of based on you. A little bit. And your experiences. I think just having a moment where you're like, I think I appreciate all the effort people made in my life. In the life, and you go, anyway, but then you go,

I can't tell this to anybody seriously as a real thing because, like, you know, you can't be 100% sure. What about a drug that just does make you appreciate people in your life? Okay. Right? So, like, you're, you're actually medicate. unappreciative. Oh, yeah.

You're a bit of a fuck, but only medically. Yeah. And you can get on this course of drugs that, like, makes you appreciate people in your life. Right? And then, like... But what about a drug that makes you give compliments? Oh.

Oh, give me, give me, give me. And so then you're like... And then so you take it and you're like, geez, honey, you look great tonight. Yeah. And she's like, thank you. But she kind of knows that you're doing on the medicant. I mean, that, thank you.

That won't work on me because I know you're just taking the thing. You or the drugs. It's nice to see, yeah. What about she really likes it? And she starts, like, secretly crushing up this medicine and putting more and more of it into your food or something. I like this, why. You give her so many compliments.

You're overdosing. She's getting the high. Yeah, yeah. Especially, like, maybe at the beginning she is resistant. This meal is delicious. What are these little granules? You've done so well. Oh, this is so, I love.

I love the powder grainy, sort of chalky taste of it. Yeah, so it's got a cool flavor to this. Yeah, it's real good, real good. You've added to this pumpkin soup. I like it, I like it. I was thinking, what about, like, instead of MDA,

like what if the opposite happens where someone takes MDA and it's like, I fucking hate every one of you. Oh my God. Someone is like, it's meant to just like, you know, hey, we're all connected. It's like a love one. Everyone like these, it's just opposite.

It's like, Wait a minute. You all fucking suck. I hate you and I hate this music. What am I wearing? Why is everyone so sweaty? Everyone so sweaty. Everyone's so wet. Yeah.

The idea that's like you're like, you're the only person that that's what it does. You're like, people are talking it up about how good you make you feel. And then suddenly you get in and you're like, this has made me freaking angry. Yeah. I hate this. Yeah. I hate you. And I hate your freaking solution.

Maybe it feels really good. Maybe it still feels good. Like you see people who do complain a lot and you do see it kind of, I think it does give some people pleasure. Yeah, like you're leaning into that anger. Yeah. I'm just thinking like, you know, the whole, if you know someone who's like really loves like psychedelics and mushrooms

and again, they talk about like, and it's always the same conversation of like how everyone's all connected. You're like, come up with a new idea. You just want to take drugs in the woods. Yeah, that's all you want to do. Take drugs in the woods. You just don't like wearing shoes. You just don't like wearing shoes.

Admit it, you hate shoes. fucking wear his shoes. Anyway, we all know that guy. Afterwards, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, we've... Oh, no,

I'm just complaining about that guy. Yeah, yeah, but then, so then after he makes him really angry, and they're like, afterwards, you know, the next day when he's come down, they're like, man,

sorry you had that reaction with that, man. I'm just like, yeah, that's never happened. I've never seen anybody react like that. He goes, I've never felt better. I loved it. Yeah, that is incredible.

That is exactly what I needed. Can I have all my, you know... Can I have some more? Wasn't that pleasant for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Great, it's like cathartic. Oh my God, I'm going to go to work and yell at my boss. It's so nice.

I had the confidence to say what I felt. Exactly. You all suck so much. A bit of it's still in my sister, to be honest. That was nice. Yeah, how much for a tab? It's Jones in here for it. Yeah, sorry, no, no, guys, guys.

Am I addicted? Can you get addicted from one time? Yeah. Yeah? Oh, okay. Then I'm definitely addicted. me into rehab for telling too much truths.

Ironically, you know what I have to say about that experience? No complaints. A wonderful time. My goodness, guys. Thank you so much for your help today. You have been tremendous. We've gained so much ground. Yes. And had a wonderful time.

Thank you for having. I know that our faces don't show how good. They never will again. You guys need Anything. Yeah, do you want us to bring food or anything like that? We can roll of spaghetti. Yeah, you're all good. I think just recently a message came up possibly from your beloved about maybe

Thai food for dinner free. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. That is nice. Yeah, it is really beautiful. Yeah. I mean, it's, what a beloved. What a beloved.

Such. Really earned her name. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's what, I mean, you don't, you don't give somebody a name like that when they're not being loving. Be in loving. Guys, thank you so much.

Thank you so much for having us, guys. Enjoy the next. Best of luck with the rest of the... I mean, look, we're past halfway, and we can't be that far away now. No, like... You get like a hundred in the next two hours, I reckon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, probably a hundred. How do we get out of here?

It's amazing. Yeah, that way. Thank you. Thank you. And we welcome our next guest, Tosh Green Slade. Tosh Green Slade. Oh, Greenlee! Yes.

Toshy. Toffee. What is this? I haven't seen you for so long. I know. I haven't seen you for so long. Thank you. Japanese coffee?

Either one side or the other? Yeah, well, but who gets custody? Oh, man. Oh, are those lozenges? I brought some fishman's friend or if you're a coward, I brought you some but a man. I'm both. A friend and a coward. Yeah.

Just come here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That we can get a good view of Andy. Thanks, man. How are you, Tom? What hole am I talking in here? A lot of any good sketch ideas lately? Tell us a hundred or so of them.

Okay, yep. I did, well, no, because I was up very late last night. Oh, man. I decided to vomit. Oh, no. Very tired all day. And then I've been to a children's birthday party in the morning. So I'm rubbish.

But, but, but I did go through the notes on my phone. Well, you had like that movie is in there? Yeah, I just fished out some old things that I've written down. I don't know if they're good. I think they're probably not. They don't have to be. We're not making good ideas. If we were waiting for good ideas,

I don't think that we would be at 264. Yeah, this would be all... All right. So I can. I don't know if... Is this cheating, though? Tosh, are these... I feel like this is cheating.

I found these... Yeah, it might be. But look, if we do value adding, I think it could be... Okay, if you can yes and all of these ideas. Yeah. So I've just written down, being court master...

to your bart doing a Mooney Tazzo. And in the same, in the same note, using your grandma's oil of Yuland to have a wank on Christmas Eve. I think they're probably both, they're similar territory. I tell you something really deeply, deeply, deeply, embarrassing. Yeah. But one time,

yeah, in an early period of experimentation, I may have attempted to do that act. with some fix vapor rub. Oh, why? Oh, my goodness. What part of that is a sexual lubricant? Like, I don't know. What were you expecting from it?

Well, it's gelatinous. It's gelatinous. And I thought, you know what? It's waxy. Look, I'm not saying it was a good idea. Had you experienced? He tried to fix vapor rub one out. Have you?

That's a new slogan for them. That's them rebranded as a, like, a torturous. lubricant company. It was, um... Had you had sex at that point? No. Because I would imagine that if you had have had sex, you would have said,

well, I've never been with a woman whose secretions are waxy. Yeah, it's made me feel like that. I mean... Oh, I'm so waxy for you right now. I think if that's happening in the sketch whilst the grandma's coming in looking for her vix vapor rub.

And her barb does a moony tazo. Have you seen my tazzo? I was looking through my tazzo folder and somebody's taking my bart doing the Mooney guitars. And that's the most expensive one. They're worth $10. Oh, God.

Also, just as, I guess, I'm assuming it goes into the hole and then it starts to burn. Or does it just, and then everything goes cold? Everything goes cold. It makes your penis able to breathe. Oh, finally. When you're all, you know, when your air starts passing in and out, you start to whistle.

When you really clogged up, you can't ejaculot, you're just like, it all just sort of builds up. And you're just like, I just need to blow mine. Is that why it's called blowing your load? It's like blowing your nose, but it's... Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, could you get like a throaty for your... Like a urethri? Art does a mooney. That's not a sketch. I don't know if we can write that down. Tazone. Yeah, okay. We can't just take ideas off Tosh's...

No, no, I know. I don't know, but write them down. We can. Unfortunately. Yeah, but... But putting paper rub on your penis. I think as the Nana walks in though I think that's okay

Well the Nana's allowed to walk in Because somebody having to deal with the new pain That they've just discovered That is a slow creeping thing Whilst having to engage With your grandma in conversation And it opens everyone's nostrils up And they can

And all of a sudden their olfactory system Like it's all opened up in the room And it's like I can breathe really well Now I can smell really well and then they can smell your secretions. Yeah, you should have crotch, sweat, maybe. Why does it smell like, come in here?

I think, um... That's what my grandma always used to. She's dead now. Oh, damn it. I think, um... I think, um... I think being caught doing something embarrassing by your grandma,

but on a piece of technology that she doesn't understand. So not only is it embarrassing, but you have to understand, explain. to her what it is or how it works. Like a DVD player. Like a DVD player or, oh, what is this? What's going on? You have to show her how the iPad works.

Yeah. And show her how Porn Hub works. She's more interested in it than she is disgusted because she doesn't know. And then when she's finally understanding it, then she becomes disgusting. Then she's able to be disgusted when she has enough information. But wait, so wait, she catches you using the iPad for porn,

but she doesn't realize initially that it's porn, but she can see that it's a video. Yeah, on a little screen that you can just carry around? You can just do that. And then you're like, oh, yeah, yeah. And you're trying to just... She makes you show her how the website works. Yeah.

She's like, what are these categories here? You go back to the basics. You're showing her, like, Steve Jobs' keynote address when he first introduced the iPhone, and then you're taking her through the steps. It's like, well, this is how we got here. There's basic outlines of the history of computing, and these are, you know, then...

And then she finds it disgusting. Five, you know, then there's, you know, Wi-Fi and, you know, this is a 5G version. At first, it seems like you've moved away from the page and she doesn't really notice, like she didn't really notice that it was porn. And then you're showing her this weird Steve Jobs stuff and then things like that. And then she goes, but why were there titties earlier? And then you play.

Okay. So now we have to go back a step and then we'll build back up to that and put that all in context. You have to play the entire that podcast series that Louis Theroux did about the rise of the porn. industry and the Rise on Porn Hub. She has to listen to all of that to understand the context behind Porn Hub before she watches porn. And then you have to show her the entire video. Yeah, explain who all, and who's he?

Explain all the different characters. She goes, well, why were you watching it? Because I was masturbating. And she goes, oh. Too much information. Yuck. 38 is what Carly said with the food will arrive. Thank you, Carly.

If she's watching it, and I apologize. Yeah, I'm going and Nana is interested in how videos work You're doing great Oh no Okay, that's great

Hey, I found these I found these in a In a shop Those are fun $25 bucks Are they? Nice These, I don't know

If they're real or anything Are they good? I don't know Yeah I like me if you like them I like them Yeah, I'm having a good time With them

I don't know If I just flush as a shoe guy So I just So you wanted his approval I need his approval He cravenly begging for his approval Well I mean for 25 bucks I'm not I know that I got it

What if you hated them And you've just been like I feel like they're worth something But I think they're hollow Well I already had looked up That they were worth something And then they are Yeah

Okay And that what that made you want them No I bought them Because I was like I was already like Oh that's a simple color Like you know A nice one

Blue it's one of the primary colors I was like I was like fondly A color that I don't have to combine other colors with to get it. You know? And then that made me feel so good as well.

That felt like that was worth 25 bucks alone. Canadian, though? Yeah, Canadian. So it's about 20. My kids are so advanced. They're only in primary school, but they're already learning

about secondary colors. Yeah? Yeah. Green, they know about green. Yeah. Orange, yeah. The work agenda. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Things that they're mixing of those primary colors. Now it just sounds like I'm a racist. I'm mixed call. What about a guy who he's eating a food

on a date with a lady he doesn't like it because she's way hotter than him. He's just going to go along with anything that she says. Yeah. And he's doing a lot of like she wants

oysters and stuff like that and he's vomiting into his own mouth and sort of finishing to hide it. Like, well, he thinks he's managing to hide it. And then, like, oh, and let's get steak tartare. Like that. And he's like, oh, yeah, good. Like that.

Is this just Mr. Bean that you've put a woman in there with him? Yeah, put a woman in there. No, but Mr. Bean ate those off oysters. No, but he also ate steak tart. He tried to hide the steak tartare around the restaurant. Really? Oh, that's right. I think you've combined multiple.

All of the sketches, I haven't read them. Yeah, yeah. I've been watching all day. Are they all just accidentally? He gets his head stuck inside a turkey. Okay, okay, okay, wait. Let's just think of something else is great. No, but I do think, like, I think if he's not trying to hide that he's vomiting,

right, he's openly vomiting. He's eating the stuff and then vomiting on himself and down the side here and all over the table and that sort of thing. But the date, I guess, like, she's not really reacting to that, I suppose, and it's continuing. I mean, he continues to try and eat the food. Oh, you're going to. funny what does she admire it is it like when you suffer for like when you're like oh that guy

stood up for me he was scared and he and like it was people threatening us and he stood up and you got punched in the face but I still admire his yeah women love that when you get punched in the face what if you're vomiting openly at the table going I hate this food but I'm eating it for you just like that's so sweet that's really actually so sexy and then when he finally gets something turned up there's some chips that come to the table and he eats it and he enjoys it and she just suddenly she's not interested in. Yeah, or she doesn't like the way he eats them or something.

It's a bit, yeah. What was the last thing? What food was that? Chips. Chips. He enjoys the chips. Yeah. Yeah.

She sounds like a psycho. Yeah. I think she's, but very attractive. Hot butt. She's hot butt. Poop's hot butt. I love ending sentences and butt. Can you do it in Canada?

Nah. Or are people just like, what the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I would have to like, because I would go, I wouldn't go like, Yeah, but it's worth the money, but Like, yeah, you couldn't really I don't know, I guess I could try Yeah, me, yeah, it doesn't sound Yeah, it sounds good

Oh, because you would go, Mesh, puhré far so, me Not as good, yeah, me But I think the strong accent Makes the end of the butt work, yeah Oh man, oh, I love it, but Yeah, beautiful Love it, but, you know,

Because you, yeah, beautiful language It's a change in tone Is that more of like a Queensland sort of thing or something, though? Because I don't know if people would really say it down here all that much. Oh, I just think you hang out with people that went to university. Yeah. You're just, you're in your little... Move in different circles.

Or should they be quadrangles? Sorry about laughing about that and making it handy feel good. It was really good. I wouldn't have laughed at that. I enjoyed it. And it was just one of those things. I thought he went so tight. Straight like that.

So that felt like a real betrayal. Yeah. real, real dog act. I know, but I was trying to do it in a joking way, and then it came across. No, no, that's right. No, you can apologise for me, that's all right. No, but I liked it.

Is it because I'm sitting on this side? Do you think that, yeah, oh, there's definitely a clear divide. What about somebody who apologises for you? Like, you can have somebody who is on your staff, who you pay or something, who accompanies you around,

and apologises for all the things that you do. So you can, continue to behave in a really appalling, obnoxious way. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry about that. Exactly. But this person is really good at apologising, and so they sort of for you or just sort of about you.

Are they an embarrassed friend that accompanies you everywhere and tries to like use your terrible behaviour for points to go, I'm sorry, I'm not like that. I'm really sorry. And they're like, I don't even know who you are. You don't work here. He does work here. I kind of like that you're paying this person. to do this for you that and it's it is like it's a new it's a new part of like a just a rich

person's impunity they're able to continue to play behave obnoxiously simply because they have more money and one of the wing does that person then take the guilt of it oh that's like a sin eater is that is what what suppose so is that a real thing already I feel like that was a thing I don't know if that's what the movie's about but that's what I've is a movie called sin eater Yeah, I think it's got like Heath Ledger in it Just what I've assumed it's about I think it I think there was people where you could like Pay them and they would take your sins on

Right like carbon credits Yeah basically Offsetting your sin But I guess like there's that thing where it's like If you know like somebody who's a bit of a jerk Who just kind of cuts in line and then just gets to be ahead Right and there and they'll be with a person who's like Oh I'm sorry like that

But they also get to be in the head in the line They kind of you know It's a symbiotic relationship They kind of like stop this from causing fights. He's like, I'm sorry, he's on. Yeah. Like the little fish that goes along next to the shark and hits up all its. And they make them both safer.

While this one gives them extra like, yeah, it's a very good survival strategy. Yeah. And, you know, strategy for sort of benefiting greatly through. So a leech. A parasite. A parasitic ornament. A parasite, but also like something that completes his organism makes it fit within society. They add up to one decent human.

being pretty much yeah yeah yeah i don't know especially because they do occupy two spaces in the cues yeah yeah yeah they add up to one human being who gets ahead very easily through cheating that's right and who it doesn't get beat up as often as you should yeah yeah yeah so yeah that's cool and then uh what about like so you've heard of tongue piercing yeah oh yeah tongue braiding It's already I think you can slit the tongue down the middle

And then if you did three Oh you could get a little plat going on I mean can you imagine the food That would get stuck in between the tongue I think you would feel it I think you'd be like You'd be able to move so many ends of it I don't know that you'll be able to move it independently

You know the two sides of the Really? Yeah Cut it down the middle and you can move the two of the them like. Well, maybe you can, like a snake. I guess I can sort of roll my tongue around in a way. Yeah, okay.

That's fun. Does it affect your speech, I wonder? I think it would definitely. Not at all. Not at all. Not at all. But you could do like, you could speak with half a lisp. So you could say, like you could pronounce half of the T.

Half a T and half an F, like an F sound. Only lisping on the left. Yeah, you've got half a speech impediment. Yeah, I think you could, it would be kind of almost like a, like a, like a, a bikey thing to do to have a braid, you know like bikies that will have like big beard in a braid? Yeah. I guess it's kind of Viking-like, so it's like a

Viking tongue. It's racist. Big, big, big on the white supremacy. Yeah, yeah. Are you? No, the Viking thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, oh, are you afraid, yes. I'm announcing you know. I thought you're saying, oh, you're being racist. No, no, no, I'm

saying that like maybe it would be a big thing with racist. Oh, yeah. They like to adopt all of the all of the Viking tongue Yeah like Rated legs Viking tongue for racists Rated legs

You know If you had three legs You could braid them If you got a penis Sure Brade like Well it would have It depends how long your penis

It really does so many things do Could you braid some of it Could you Could you Could you braid Two of your legs With one of your arms Yep

Yeah I think I would let that happen All right Let's figure this I wouldn't stop someone Yeah All right

Well Then they just like Would then Do they become like What is it Unipedal? I guess yeah You become unipedal

You would have Yeah You would have one arm For grabbing things And then you would have to sort of Hop around Like a Japanese ghost Yeah

And then you would say It's a viking thing It's a valking thing It's very masculine You would have one arm to wave your red Australian flag the anti-immigration marches

as you hopped around this is the most messed up stupid I'll allow it how do we I mean if we can convince them all to do this let's just convince racist to this yeah I think that's right

I think it would slow down yeah it would slow down the neo-Nazi movement if they all had to physically slowed down Yeah, I think less people would be likely to join them if, well, they've still got their, I can't do that. That's illegal, isn't it? But they would still have one arm to do their salutes as well. And that's very, you could convince them.

It's very kind of you to leave them that one arm. Yeah, yeah. It was good of you to do that. That's how you would know as well, you'd go, well, you're definitely an Nazi. You're not just one of those people who's braided three of their legs together. Yeah. Yeah, it's cool. It's a great way of, yeah, maybe they would all just be on the back of a Ute or something like that

because they wouldn't be able to walk around super easily. If we just told them all we said, look at all these foreign people, look at their unbraided legs and arms. What are you like, all foreigners, none of them have braided their legs and arms together. That's right. And so, therefore, it's time that we identify ourselves how unique we really are. Let's braid your legs at arms. one arm yeah one arm yeah yeah but arms you know plural because there's many of you guys

but one each not more you want your arm free so you can do that fuck thing that's illegal i mean the lovely thing that we love we love yeah i think i think it's possible yeah great i mean what a sketch that's a good sketch that's a good sketch um Just this world where like some of these ideas could possibly work is a very distant place. It's a fantastic world. Yeah. It's a utopia. I mean, a utopia that still has, it seems lots of Nazis in it.

Yeah, yeah. But, you know, it's a world. It's a world. It's a world. But they are listening to me. And they're very flexible. They're very flexible. These guys.

And they're willing to go along with my ideas. And already that just feels like a utopia, people that are listening to me. It's a world in which sketch. comedy still exists. Yeah. Oh, wow. I mean, that's the ultimate fantasy. That's the...

Some would say this is the highest of science fiction. Yeah. To be able to imagine a world. What a sketch comedy is commissioned on Australian television. What a fantasy. Yeah. Have the mind capable. What about people that are called sloshers?

And they always just have... They're always wearing gumboots and they're five and three quarters full of water. Like that. Or whatever liquid they, of their choosing. Sloshua. Why could come up with a slur for them? Sloshers. Like that, they just like it, you know?

Yeah. And maybe it's like their alternative. Maybe it's another manly thing where it's like, because you know, guys never use, this is not true for everybody. But a lot of guys tend to not use any moisturiser, particularly on their heels. Their fate, yeah.

And so they got a lot of dry heels. And so they've also realized that this is a problem because as they've gotten older, their heels have started cracking. and, you know, being... So they've found a solution of their own. Yeah. Which is...

It's not womanly at all. It's not womanly at all. Fill their black gum boots up with sort of just liquid. Lotion. Yeah. No, not lotion. No, but all like the cream. Like the thick cream.

Could be thick cream. Maybe it's a bit of Vicks. A wet booting. Wet booting. Yeah, we're wet booting. Yeah, we're wet booting. And it's... I don't know.

I just like, I like the idea that they're coming. they're coming like that and then they're going I'm walking out I'm so sorry I have to go to the bathroom Have you just gotten incredibly aroused at the thought of a gumboot full of Vicks A gumboot full of Vicks

I gotta get out of here Excuseing moire Excuseing That's good That's French Yeah have you I don't think that there's much to sloshers But I'm just going to write down

Sloshers are you just doing this podcast while you're back here so you don't have to have conversations with people about living overseas like reunions because I haven't seen you I haven't even said oh hey how are you

how's life yeah yeah I mean it's straight to that point yeah yeah it's mostly because I mean it's like mostly the story I mean I have said it to a lot of people but mostly you know when you have kids your life is mostly the same because you're just mostly at home

doing regular life things and then the seasons are just a bit different. I wasn't genuinely ask. No, no, no. Okay, great, great, great. But mostly things are good. Are you things good with you? Great.

Yeah, that's great. It's very nice to see. You're looking very healthy and happy. Thanks. That's great. What about a guy with metal nostrils? No, that's nothing. But, I mean, there isn't any full-on, like, nostril circle, like paraphernalia.

I feel. Well, yeah, you get the, the one that looks like a booger. Yeah, you get the booger. You get the things like this. Yeah. But nobody's like decorating the ring. No one's doing a, yeah, like a plug. Like those plugs that you sort of stretch it out.

No one's stretching the nostrils out. No one's going the big nostrils. Yeah. Or doing the pulling it back. Like getting the plastic surgery to pull it back like this. Well, I think people are doing that. You are doing this? I think people are doing that.

Not on purpose. I think it's an accident. but I think they just take too much of it away. Oh, right, right, right. It's like you get one nose job and then you like kind of get a taste for it and you want to get another one. It's like, well, there's not a nose left. Yeah, right.

It's like, we'll just keep pulling back the skin. It gets smaller and smaller until it's just like. Yeah. The Mort style. Yeah. But you could almost, you could, you could probably pitch some nasal, some nostril stuff. Like maybe it's nostril ringing.

Like the, you know, like the, I guess like, like the earlobes like as a like oh it increases your breathing and your like oxygen flow to your brain oh sure get intake kind of style you could they they already i i have this thing when i sleep it's like a piece of tape that sits over my nose yeah and it feels like an influencer like a cool like a cool muscular yeah because it's black yeah yeah yeah it's like oh it's really big i used to have like small ones the one with the with the with the magnets on the inside no it's just like a big sort of black piece of tape it's it's over my nose now

because it was cheaper than the ones that looked smaller and more dainty but it's like big and it's just a big black man one yeah isn't it comfortable

while you sleep no no it's less comfortable or is it like no it's just is it once and you chuck it away like he's just

see that's the thing that Wally's pushing around mm it's like Wally Wally Wally Dahlie

here we go this is a good that's a good that's a good sketch Walee the Pixar movie but instead of Walee it's Wollie

it's Wollie Dali from the project nothing else is different so he's just trying to fix the planet clean the whole is there all these other is there all these other Walides that have broken down and he goes and steals body parts from them

yes yes that's how Walid is eternal like how else would Walid survive yeah yeah and so he's just learned a kind of like medical treatment and he can so he's still a man yeah he's still he's not a robot he's like so he's cutting off like bits of flesh from like decaying flesh

from all these dead Walides It's like a rotting Wallie clone heart into his chest and then I mean it's basically rights itself Yeah yeah yeah It's got nothing to do because after the fall of Civilisation there's no like

The project obviously has been cancelled Anyway but there's no There's no newspaper opinion pieces for him to write Because there's no news about that It's a Pixar movie but it's about a The Last Laos still living on the head of an almost completely bald man he's just alone there

on the head right and he I guess what he has to do is he actually he's heard that there's a community of pubic loss and he has to start this huge journey

across the whole body yeah yeah to get all the you know and he meets the mites that are living in your eyebrows and you know and I think there are some mites living on your eyelashes as well

tiny little things it works he's all the way down there maybe he finds it He finds a rich, a sort of passageway of back hair that he can, you know, make great progress through. A big, big patches like that, that he has to, like, jump. He has to jump from patch to patch. And then he has to get to that one that's kind of like in your stamp tramp area above your back, above your butt, like that at the small of your back. It's a doormat, isn't it?

Is that called a doormat? Yeah, a door mat. Could do. Welcome mat. Could be welcome, man. Welcome mat. That's much nicer, isn't it? Yeah, but it gives a connotation of, well, requesting, ain't.

set. That's true. Begging for it almost. Sure. Please. I'm a guy called Matt. Welcome. I explained to my boys recently about belly button belly button lint and they could not believe it. What do you mean?

Well, I showed them my belly button lint. I demonstrated how it can arise. Do this? Like this is the hairs are doing this? Yeah, I was being all the hairs. You've got some lint? Pass it back up here. Yeah, okay, we can use that. I shove it down in there. be more like what's that a bit of grass seed oh that'll do get it up there you ever find like

you'd planted it or like what did they think had happened when you're like no it doesn't but when you took the lint out of your belly button and showed them what did they think like you're calling me a liar rationalised that did they go well dad's just gone and found some lint i think that i genuinely think that was what it was what are you doing with your like what are you saying to your children on a daily basis when you like you go hey belly button lit they go oh dad's a fuck a liar here he goes again. What else have you told them? I mean, I do talk a lot of shit. Just make up lie. Yeah, basically. Yeah, I lie about almost everything. That is the benefit of having a child. Yes. Is being able to shape the reality of something. Like, you can tell, like, your child,

you tell that a word is something different. Yeah. You just like, you just see a cow and you're like, that's called a frog. That is called a frog and frogs go moo. And then you tell them that forever. and then by the time they get to like what kindergarten go in and it would be like it would hurt your brain like it would be reality shattering you have everyone in the room just go it's called a cow and you'd be like does everyone call it a cow that's a frog like that's not a frog what the fuck is going on

you never trust anybody ever again yeah and that's what they should learn you can't trust anybody that's what that's the lesson that was the wrong question well done of a long call Now you don't even need to go to school anymore. You just graduated in my book. You just graduated from the school of life. That's it. Now I actually want you to leave regular school.

Yes. And then here you go. Here's your little stick and the little thing on the end. And I want you to find a dog. And you and that dog will go from town to town solving crimes. I'll be there for the first crime. And I'll give you a lead. I'll introduce you to the suspect.

I'll do the first crime. It'll be an easy one because I'm telling you I'm going to do it. Yeah, okay. But you've got to figure out what I did and why. And why, okay? Imagine if you were like, you know, Serena and Venus was Williams' dad. But instead of tennis, you'd been raising those little girls from infants to be great detectives. You know?

Oh, yeah. Staging. Staging little crimes around. I mean, what if you're the world's greatest detectives? That's why we need to put the money back into detecting. Exactly right. Make competitive detecting its own thing. That should be at the Olympics.

Yeah. Just have a few murders. You see a lot of people running, but which one of them did the crime? I think that would be good. If all the 100 people in the 100 metres were running away from a crime scene. Yep. Excellent. And the detectives come in and get a gold medal.

I got a gold medal in detecting. Yeah. Solve the triple homicide. When they're running with the batons, right? They're actually passing a little murder weapon from one to the other. Now it's got everybody's fingerprints on it. Who did it? Probably the person who had it the first, but not necessarily.

Maybe not. Maybe not. You don't know. That's what makes it Olympic detecting. Yes. Like anybody watching from home goes, oh, I know how to do it. Like, I could do that. I reckon if I tried hard enough, I could do that.

I couldn't, though. No. Because these people have spent their entire lives dedicating themselves to detecting. they can detect anything oh it's a detective wait what are you guys talking about because I was right in this we're just saying the word detecting a lot

but it's like it's a detective who meets up with one of those detectors who uses like a metal detector oh what they really should have called robocop the metal detective beautiful thank you

and they combine their powers one of being a corrupt cop yeah oh he's corrupt well I mean I think that's I bloody all I mean I don't think it's possible to be entirely outside you would do a little bit

like you would steal a little bit of the drugs from the evidence or do like a little bit of a murder I think the system just allows them to do a few more things and so you know I think that it's just built into it like five over when you're on the highway

105 you can do probably six to ten and sure you can probably beat up a person in public one night and as long as nobody sees it and there's only that person's word You can probably get away with that without actually having to.

I think you could. Yeah. Especially if they don't know you're a cop. Even more if they do. Yeah. Like, who's going to believe you? And they won't even bother. Yeah.

It's like if you come to my work and tell people that I bashed you up, I'll say that I didn't. I'm a policeman. Imagine the power of that guy with a guy who has a metal detector. Yeah. He could do anything. He can't own his own one though. Yeah.

He doesn't have time to learn how to use it. He's like, he can't be bothered. He's arrogant. He's a senior detective. And then they find, like that guy finds like some old Dutch goal that they left and the first time they came and visited Australia or whatever. And that guy robs it, the cop robs it from him. Cop robs it from him.

Yeah. And then the detector guy. Comes the detective. It becomes the detective. And he has to somehow get this corrupt cop. to pay for his crimes of ruining his biggest score he's ever found. History-altering score. I mean, I wouldn't watch it, but...

Oh, but it sounds... Yeah. Yeah, that's a sketch. Really? Yeah. Yeah, okay. It's really off the fact that detective and detect door are similar.

Similar... Start way. You need a starting point for everything. Oh, absolutely. That's enough for a sketch. That's enough of it. That's enough for a sketch. I mean, I think people with who start out just as like metal detective kind of dudes

who are sort of wandering around with not much on, right? I think a lot of them have a lot of time on their hands. You know, who decide to become actual detectives and try and solve crimes because they're good at finding little bits and pieces of stuff. I'll tell you where you could get that made as a TV show, the UK. Yeah, I mean, they already have a TV show. They have a show called The Detectivists. Oh, yeah.

About metal detectors, but I don't think they're investigating crimes. Okay. What do they do? I have no idea. I think they just wander around and chat to each other. Yeah, and find bits of metal and live there. I would watch. I would watch.

Yeah? All right. Alistair famously finds all British television boring. Yeah. But I think it's a tone as well. It's like even if it's funny, it's like the tone is boring. Right. You know what I mean?

It's boring and it's bones. Yeah. Like there's a There's a sadness to the core of it all The fallen empire The place that used to be great And everybody's a little bit sad Because they missed it

Yeah They're no longer it Showed up a bit late America's going the same way Like Rome? Yeah If you were Roman Do you think you would sort of

Walk around going We used to be awesome Yeah I mean I think it's been so long Go past the Coliseum And they used to fight Lions in there And they've had a kind of

maybe a greater achievement in that country. Now you've got to fight lines to get in there. Lines, I mean, cues of people trying to get in. Catching that. Yeah, absolutely. Somebody hanging around the Coliseum so they can say that joke. Yeah. And all of the tourists that keep coming past them are not from English-speaking countries.

So they don't get there. Waiting for somebody with the same accent as them as well, so that lines and lions sound similar. Yeah. So it's not like if you're an American. Lions? Yeah. You're like, oh, fighting the bloody, now the fighting of the lines is outside.

Yeah. Big long lines. Yeah. But no one is, no one speaks in the same accent as them. Yeah. I mean, eventually somebody, they meet somebody who could potentially get the joke, but then they're distracted when they say the punch line or something like that. They think it's shit.

They find it, they find the interaction with a stranger awkward and uncomfortable and they don't really want to engage. Yeah. So they just go, yeah. Yeah, and then this guy, he goes away at the end of the day. He's been standing outside the Coliseum all day. He goes away and he like stands on like a, on a cliff face sort of looking out over the mediterranean. No, he doesn't kill himself. He stands there and he looks at the sunrise and it's beautiful and he breathes deep of the sea air.

And then you just see him back there again the next day. I mean, that's what makes this art, you know, like, because he's doing his art. He is doing his work. And he doesn't need your approval. But he does need to understand. He knows what he's doing. He knows it's good. He knows it's good.

And he stays strong. I think that's what, to me, what's beautiful about this. If you make a jacket, you can be proud of it. And now you just need to find somebody that it fits on. Exactly. You know, that's what he's done. He knows he'll find that person. That's a sketch.

Somebody has made the worst jacket. The most bizarre proportion. and then they go out into the world. We already had a sketch today called a badly fitting a shop called Ill Proportioned for clothing or something like that

where the clothes don't figure. I can't believe. This is a much better version of that though. This is kind of like a Cinderella but he's made the shoe and he's not good at making shoes. He doesn't want to admit that and he's going to find the woman this shoe fits

and by definition. I think he's still a prince. He's a prince, but he has that princely arrogance. He thinks he can do anything. He's taking up shoemaking, cobbling, and then he shows the shoe to some people who don't seem all that impressed because it barely looks like a human foot could go in there at all. And then he has to go out and find the woman whose foot will fit in there,

marry her, make her his bride, display her for the whole kingdom to see, wearing these shoes that he's made saying see say see a princess is wearing yes and he's it's not it's like a shoe that probably the proportions almost don't fit any human yes the way that he's made it has this mutant hmm this this is my mutant bride he just just is to end up finding some horse lady who's been living in the like in the stable of some place you know, as the illegitimate child of some, like, of some horse trainer or whatever who works. Yeah, and she's had her feet stomped on by all the horses a lot. And so, and so she can kind of handle the pain.

And then he can be like, you know, get her washed up and things like that and say, see, a princess is wearing these shoes. A shoes fit for a princess. I'm treasy, fro. I'm the greatest cobbler in the kingdom. I'm the greatest great cobbler in the kingdom. What are you seeing Scottish? I'm the greatest.

I'm the greatest. Oh, God. In the kingdom. Kingdom. Kingdom. Kingdom. 740. Oh, babies.

This is going great, everybody. I want to say how proud I am of all of you. I know, me too. More than half a way. Especially you, Tosh. Thanks. Especially Tosh. Dumb.

Especially Tosh. Um, okay. What about that? But I like this fairy tale world. that we're in. What else have we got from the fairy tale world? Can I just say a story, a sad story that somebody told me and we say that it's a sketch? Yeah. Let's say it's a guy who's never, if they're watching and they're like, this is the saddest story of it. Like this is my life. It's horrible. And then you're like, he's a great, that's a great sketch. Yeah.

It's a, it's a guy he struggles to sometimes get a gal. And then one day, he's out in about, and a gal just shows interest in him and he's immediately like oh we got we got to try and hook up and she's into it right and he's just he was out buying some that's his intro essentially right we have got to try to we've got to try to hook up yeah and it's because of those kinds of approaches that it's been difficult to hook up and then he goes back to her place and he and she's like Helps him take off his pants. And then she goes, oh, what's that? Like that.

And then it cuts out, and it's back to him, and he's talking to the camera, and he goes, and I hadn't realized, you know, like those times when you've been masturbating, and then you finish all over yourself, and you just throw a bunch of tissue or toilet paper on yourself, but you don't sort of deal with it, and you kind of just, like, fall asleep.

And then later on, you take it off, but just bits of it. and pieces just stay stuck to your to your body. Yeah. Well, that's what she saw. Did he not shower before he went out? No. He didn't expect to encounter anybody. Who's going out into the...

Even it's like even just popping to the shops just like, yeah, I just went down, you know, I went out, I was smeared in my own dry salmon. You've got to always assume that you're going to meet the love of your life. I was going to try and have sex with it. Everywhere you go. Where you go.

Every moment. Yeah. You've got to be prepared. It's essentially that thing that a mother will tell you about, you know, wearing clean underwear in case you get hit by a car. Really, I think that's a cover for, in case you get lucky. Or wash the dried semen off your stomach. Yeah.

You've got to at least scrape it off in case you get hit by a car. And so then this is the moment where this person can teach a lesson. Be like, and so that's why I think. And this is just a, it's a lesson for. You say that's why I think it's really important to always wash yourself before people are to the shop. What if that person instead got hit by a car and then as they were prepping them for surgery, the surgeon like cut their clothes off them and saw that on them and went, oh, what's that? And then the surgeon is really to operate or just really distracted the whole time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, just like grossed out. Then it would be really like, it would be like nurse, can you clean this up? You'd be like, no, no, that's gross. And then everyone in the hospital thinks of a loser. But then again, somebody might think, somebody might think, oh, it was maybe due to the accident, you know, you got hit by the car. Maybe that made him. The car had some semen in it.

Came out through the windscreen and splashed on us to explain. Would you want to get surgery from someone who thought you were a loser? I mean, would you want your surgery? to think you were cool. I feel like I would need them. I mean, I obviously want every surgeon to think that I'm really cool. Yeah, but what if the surgeon, like, openly thought you were a loser and said it to you? Would you go through with it?

He says it to be right before surgery? You're about to go out. He says, I want you to know before we do this. I don't respect you. Then you lose consciousness and you wake up. And you're like going to see a mechanic. You're like, I don't think you did anything. I think you just charged me all this money.

He hasn't done anything. Even being stitched up, you'd worry that the things hadn't been done inside. It's like, you just cut me and then sew that straight back. Yeah, or like you're like, I can see the stitches there, but it doesn't look like there's even a cut, right? And so you like unpick the stitches and you're like, look, and there is a cut and you're sort of opening it up and you're looking inside like, yes, has you done anything in here at all?

You're rumging around, you get a little mirror. You have to get somebody who's friends with another surgeon. Yeah. Can you just, I'm not 100% that he's done. Can you open this back up and just have a look and check? Yeah. I paid quite a lot of money for this guy's ripping me off. This lung transplant.

Can you just look and see if they're like different looking like? Do they look like new lungs? Yeah. It could just be like that it's like he's at the news agents that one day and he kind of cuts off this surgeon and he just kind of insults him. Oh, fucky, la, like that. And then ends up in a situation where he does have to get surgery and he's the surgeon for. And he goes, and just before he goes, I want you to know that I think you're a loser.

Like that. And he goes, what? Yeah. You better do a good job still. Oh, I'm like that. And yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. He says, I guess we'll find out.

Yeah. Could you lose your license for saying that to a, like as a patient went unconscious? I want to believe. I think you're a fucking loser. Would you lose your license for that? He says it just as he's like putting him under? Yeah. Or would they go, no, fine.

What about it's a, they, the surgeon is letting people. come in, taking bribes of like five, ten bucks, come in and insult the patients while they're unconscious. So there's good money in that. I reckon there would be. That's a sleeping beauty movie but less perverse. Or like a smash room, but

it's insulting, undermining somebody's personality. Every time you get another patient come in for an operation, you go out into the world and you find their enemies or people that they've learned and say, I can hook you up if you want come in and save some shit too.

You can really just give a heat of this right in his face. You're rude fingers in their face, 10 minutes, 50 bucks. You would make like a second income off. Oh man. That's a good side hustle. And there's no victim. The surgeons don't make a lot of money. He's a victimless crime.

Yeah. Well, I feel like the person that's under is kind of a victim. I don't think so. You can't punch them or anything. You can't like bash or maybe that's the thing. You can bash them because when you wake up from surgery, you've got bruises and things on you. You're like, oh, it sort of knocked me around.

It's like I woke up with a really bad black eye. I had, like, I had carpal tunnel and had my wrist operated on. I woke up with a black eye. It's like a side effect of the anesthesia. And the doctor is just letting people beat your unconscious body while they do this. Also, a really good surgeon, though, so we'll do great work on you. Oh, mate. But your enemies are allowed to come in and just beat the piss of you.

Whale on you. I might go see if our food's been delivered out the front of you. because it was supposed to come 10 minutes ago, and it hasn't heard a phone call or nothing. No problem, might. Look, that's great. A surgeon takes money to let guys come in and insult patients while they're under anesthetic.

I think that's great. Get a little second income, and they've already got a pretty good first income. Pretty good, but not as, like, not good enough to not invite strangers into the theater. Plus, you know, it's a small hospital. You know, it's nice to hang out with mates and things like that. It's just nice to have, like, a little bit of special.

spending money. Like that's money that you wouldn't normally have. And that's, you know, that's not taxed. Yeah. That's right.

Because it's cash in hand. That's cash in hand. And right into your clean surgeon hand that you're taking cash. I feel like it takes a bit of work though to go and find the person's enemies. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know. The hope is that they come to you. Yeah. Is that word just gets around. I've heard that they're having an operation. So I've tracked you down. Yeah. And you're like,

well, I just so happen to be one of those surgeons that does. does take a bit of money on the side to let you say mean things to their unconscious head All right What about like a guy who invents A little tube? It's like a barrel A little barrel that you put on the end of your penis

For when you get a split beam A what? A split beam, you know, sometimes you can get a little bit of spurs So you're always pissing into a barrel Yeah, so he just has it He just has it next to the toilet. He puts it on his penis any time he wants to do a week. Why next to the toilet?

Oh, because that's where he goes to do his wings. I would always just wear it. He's just always wears it. Isn't that just a diaper? Okay, so it's a guy takes off his pants on a date with a lady. Takes off his pants on a day with a lady. Not to wait. And she goes, oh, my God, what's that?

And he goes, oh, this is just my tube. I love to piss and never miss the bowl. I love to piss and I hate to miss. I don't like the splash. I don't like the splash. So it runs directly into the bowl, so he's pissing technically. Oh, it's like a really long tube, and it takes it almost all the way down to the... It takes it into the water.

Into the water, wow. So then when he's wearing it, it just goes down and he tucks it into his sock. Yeah. I just tuck it into my sock. And it's permanently attached. So having sex with him, he has to wrap it. Or he can, like, sort of fold it back and, like, put it over his shoulder while he's having sex. And so when he ejaculates, it's like he's wearing a condom, but it's not.

and it just goes, it deposits. It just goes behind his bag. He puts it into a glass next to the bed. Or he can just run it like into the bin. He can put it a bin next to the bed and run it there. He spools it out all the way to the laundry and puts it into that little outlet where the water from the washing machine goes.

It's truly grey water. White water. What do you water your garden with? White water. My garden is truly fertilised. White water rafting. Actually fertilising his garden. Like an egg.

Because it's very good with the, yes, the genetic material required to do such a thing. Fertilised tomato. I've been thinking recently. You know how there's porn parodies of things. Those porn parodies are only like... Quite superficial. Well, no, because they're only parodies of one specific kind of media. And it's like there's a porn parodies.

of a movie or a TV show and that's it right what if there was porn parodies of like different forms of media like a like that that scene from David Attenborough where the um where those underwater iguanas are born in the sand yeah like a porn parody of that and all the snakes oh they try and get up those rocks or like a porn parody of like like modern dance yeah or like or art like a portrait show Like a portraiture, porn parody. It's like the Archibald Prize, but it's porno, like porn actors pretending to be,

and in the nude, but also still painted, so still in the media that... So what about the porn archibald? Is that what you mean? Yeah, well, like, if it's the, you're like, you have to paint a porn star pretending to be a famous person. That was already painted in the archibles. Yeah.

So you just... Foreign parody version of it. It's got to be parody, so it's got us be mocking. It has to be slightly like comic. But you still have to paint an artist from, live, from a sitting. The porn parodies, do they have a comic element, do you think? I think so. Really?

Aren't they pretending? They're like, oh, isn't that what parody is? Well, I think, not necessarily. I mean, I think in this place, in my mind, in this case, the sexual element takes the place of the comedy. So instead of like, oh, instead of the job, drama we're going to put in jokes. It's like instead of the drama we're going to put in sex. Do you think a porn parody drama of a comedy? Uh yeah I'd say so. But you could also have a porn parody drama of a, you know, of a very dramatic thing. But not a porn parody, a drama

parody of a comedy. You could have a drama parody of a comedy. I would say. Do like a like a serious, I think we talked about this earlier, but make a serious naked gun. Naked gun. Like American pie. Nude rifle. Exactly right. nude rifle nude rifle is a really good name for yeah I think I feel like Paul Thomas Anderson could direct nude rifle wouldn't I just call it

naked gun the porn parody no drama parody there's no porn there's no porn in this just serious yeah okay so it's just like the dramatic parody exactly you still got to keep the element

I guess that he's a freaking idiot yeah and we'll mess things out Yeah, right? But not to comic effect. But not to comic effect. In a way that you realize that the people around him are somehow trapped. Yeah, they're suffering.

This guy who doesn't understand, misinterprets the world. I mean, maybe he hurts a lot of people, including himself, and somehow he continues to get away with it. It does feel like if you're a cop, but you're a cop suffering from dementia. Yeah. Right? Or just like a conspiracy theorist, not in a way. Sure. Sure.

Who sees... Yeah, sorry. Sorry, sorry. You just finished your sentence. No, I didn't have anything to add. Yeah, that it's like there is ways in which you... You see these levels that are maybe not there. Mm.

And so you attack people that may not deserve to be attacked and all that kind of stuff like that. And you're like... And you're... You accuse people of conspiring against you that aren't and you hurt them and you stay away from me. I could still get... They could get Liam Neeson to play the main guy. it's just making comedy upsetting yeah well it's essentially yeah yeah it's just uh it's just it's just fucked it just really madison yeah like it's just about a man that that goes back to

school and it's it's just inappropriate that he's there yeah everyone feels uncomfortable but he's got so much yeah his family is so rich he forces his way in he's like i'm gonna do grade four in a year like not in a year in a in a week yeah and how doing grade four in a year How is he going to see all the course material? Yes, the course material that they have. Because he was still sitting through classes. Wasn't that he'd never graduated from primary school? Was that the idea of Billy Madison?

I don't know. Or was it he'd never graduated from high school? Well, he had to do all of them. All the way from, like, primary school through to high school and do all of school again. Yeah. So I don't really know why. I can't remember that.

The food driver needs to go to the door now. I'll go right now. I think that a serious Billy Madison is a great movie where it's like genuinely about how billionaires can just do whatever they want. He can enter the public system and just have paid off the head of the Department of Education

the like, you know, the governor of the state and just they just have to tolerate it. The parents are getting upset. Would you still have Adam Sandler play himself play Billy Madison? Like, modern sort of actor

Uncut gems Sandler or would you get like Daniel Day Lewis or Timothy Shalamay I mean I think yeah having somebody who has a bit more

of a jerk face who kind of doesn't I mean but you know I would settle for a for a sandler he is good and I think he could do it but you know

he might just fall into his old I think it's a great idea to remake it with him again and do it serious this time. Yeah, and do it William. Do it call it William Madison? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Thank you. Really good. Well, it's a serious squeak wall. Alvin and the chipmunks? Serious Alvin and the chickmunks. There are actually chipmunks that can sing. Wow. And this guy...

They are. They do probably carry diseases. Yeah, but this guy has found a way to make money from them. He's exploiting them. He's exploiting these things in a kind of Motown kind of way. He's collecting

most of the money from what they're making, from their appearances on sort of America's Got Talent and all that kind of stuff. And they're living as sort of an almost slave-like kind of life where they're being forced to work in a way

that really It's sort of more like dream girls or something like that, you know. I guess so I haven't seen it. Are they getting taken... I think so, yeah. I think it's manipulative. I think it's something about their employment situation.

Could they just make like a chipmunk version of Dreamgirls? I think they should. Yeah. Yeah. Dream chickmunks. Remake, remake famous Oscar winning films. Mm-hmm. Chipmunks.

Yes. I didn't realize how much my face looks like it's really tired. Looking and going... that's okay that'll be fine it's nice to have Andy's face behind us yeah I mean we're seeing my face a lot and then in both shots

behind me is like I like that the little cartoon versions of you have like quite fat vaginas thank you I think yeah I think well I think that's me I don't know if your one has he's got a vagina there as well yeah yeah yeah I mean you know

it could just be a bit of fur but you know no I think it's a vagina I think you've got shaved pubs and you've got quite a large labia majora. I mean, that might have been Allie's intention. I would think so. Yeah. If I was going to draw you as a little devil,

I would give you a shaved vagina. I mean, I think it's a cool opportunity to try something new. Quite like hefty. Yeah, you would have drawn me with a heftier vagina? No, I know. I would have drawn it as hefty as it is. Okay, great. I think it's perfect.

It's been nailed. I appreciate it. I think it's really beautiful. Yeah. I find beauty. Let's get two more sketch ideas out really, really quickly, guys. Okay, how about this? You've heard of a welcome, Matt?

Yeah. What about, uh, fuck off, Matt. Yeah. No, okay, all right, all right. No, I mean, there's, you know, um, uh, what about a welcome mat that does, um, activate something that hurts you? What about a welcome mat that is like, but it's the airport for the airport? Yeah. Yep.

You know, I mean, they do this in a, in a, um, um, in a naked gun movie they'd have a huge welcome mat there on the runway at the airport the plane lands down on that and then it goes back and forth a bit like yeah wipes its feet

it's wheels it's a classic gag I'll write down a classic gag like that you're not going to throw that away welcome at airport I mean you know also like something we're like plane wipes its feet

the plane goes over a bit of dog shit or something like that and it's trying to scrape the he's driving trying to scrape the dog shit on the grass on the edge of the runway or whatever like going on the side of something like that has to get out and pick pick it with a stick yeah exactly yeah with its wing the plane the plane's doing it with its wing yeah sure i think in tosh's version the pilot gets out i would just describe it i wouldn't what about a pilot steps in a big dog shit

before he gets in the plane and then he walks to the back to see a thing he doesn't notice he's just traipsing it right through like that and then he doesn't realize it's actually it's all down the back of his he'd say it's sad

it's all down his back like that and he's just like it's just falling off it's like a big thing of couch pilot just covered in shit imagine if you got on a plane right and pilot just is covered in shit just sneered with it

and he sneaked He's up the front And he's like They always think they're so good Yeah In pilots Like fucking what about Somebody who hates pilots

You get on the plane Who hates pilots And it's just like Fantasises about the pilot Being smeared with shit And just always talking about Just like So good

Because you can be in the sky You get paid a hundred thousand dollars a year He's probably smeared with shit right now Imagine if he was smeared with shit Imagine if he stepped in a dog shit And then actually Actually he sat in it This is a really funny character.

So this is just a regular passenger. Yeah, just someone there. And he just, just whoever's sitting next to him, it's just like, imagine it that fucking dickhead pilot with just smeared with shit. The steward comes around

and he's talking to them, he says, I bet those pilots are smeared with shit out the front, are they? Or if he has to be really... Go tell him, I know, I know. The hosts and hostesses come around and he's really quiet.

He's like, no, no, no, no, no, I like the pilot. And then they go away again, it's like that fucking... Did we hear some... I bet he's, I bet they're up there trying to clean the shit off him. He's doing more shit. We're hearing a lot of profanity back here.

Is anybody... Don't say, don't say shit or anything. Don't you tell him. Don't you tell him they'll kick me off. Nobody's saying nothing. No, we love the pilot. Yeah, we love the pilot. Yeah, he's really clean, but he's clean.

What about this? You get on the plane, you sit down. And the pilot comes over the speaker and say, Welcome aboard flight 782 to Sydney with Jetstar. Thanks so much for flying with us today. Just as a quick heads up, I did tread on a big dog shit on my way to the plane. A lot of it's squirted it all the way up my back somehow. I don't know how.

But I watch it, it's not going to affect how I fly the plane at all. I'm completely in control. And you've got nothing to worry about. The doors are hermetically sealed at the front. It's own separate pressurized compartment. That's usually for our safety, but in this case, you absolutely. You won't be able to smell. You won't know anything about it.

I just did think I had to tell you about it. Yep. So just know that it has happened. It won't affect anything. Yeah. And then later on he comes back on the, you may have noticed some of the warning lights have come on. That's because we are having some issues up here in the cabin.

I want to reassure you it's nothing to do with the shit that went up my back and sort of down my arm on my wrist. These are completely unrelated. mechanical issues do with the aircraft has stopped working that's all it is but I have taken off my jacket

and my pants and I put them in a plastic bag that the the air hosts have sort of handed me and so I'm flying in my undies and then the guys in the back I took my socks off before

we trained for this and this is a perfectly ordinary it happens far more often than you'd think in airline air travel it's not a cause for alarm when I took my pants off they did go inside out a bit

and so it did put some dog shit on my bare feet is on the skin of me now it was just on my clothes my naked skin and I am naked up here I've tried wiping it off with the clothes but that has smeared it around a bit more

so I am naked and covered in dog shit but that's not why the warning lights I'm in complete control of this aircraft We are on track. You get there 10 minutes early. But I'm looking forward to touching down safely. Beautiful city of Sydney. I hope you all enjoy.

A bumpy land. I will. When we do land, I will run out the door very quick so that none of you have to see my naked, shit-covered body. But just not, if I hadn't have been covered in shit and naked, I would have stood at the door and waved you all off. I just want to reiterate that we love having you fly with jet stuff. I was about to go, yeah, thank you for flying Qantas.

I don't have a nice day. I think Lisa Dipp's waiting out the front. I think she might be waiting to sort of come in. I saw her out there before. Is she on for? Yes, she can come in. She can come in. If that's her sort of slowly opening the door,

We will have to say thank you very much to Tosh Greenswater. What a way to finish. What a beautiful, I mean, speaking of this sketch camera, bringing us in for a landing. There's a definite sketches. Yeah, yeah. Look, I'll just even go. Look, two pilot are potentially covered in shit sketches. Yep.

One where the person is making up a conspiracy. Yeah. Yeah. Where it's actually happened. And, you know, we can sell these to different sketch shows. So it's not like they'll be appearing back to back. There are so many places this could go on Australian television right now. Or you could sell a show that is purely about that's market.

You could sell a sketch show that is purely about pilots covered in shit, different versions of it. Every sketch, slightly different, but that's the theme of it. And it's called it Pilots Covered in Shit. I'd watch that. Yeah. I mean... It's called Shitty Pilot.

It's the name of our show. There you go. Our show. This series. I'm going to leave. I'm going to get off the show. Thank you, Tosh. Thank you so much, Tosh.