Two In The Think Tank - 51 - "LOOSE ZEUS"

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

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And you want to defend your friend. I understand that you want to defend your friend. But I just do want to... I understand that you want to defend your friend. I understand you want to defend your friend. But more than that, I want to defend capitalism. I don't want to defend capitalism. I feel like its success is a reward in itself.

But I want to defend capitalism so that maybe one day it will do something nice for me Its success is a reward in itself. When I want to defend capitalism, so that maybe one day it will do something nice for me if it sees that I defended it. It doesn't care about you. Boo. Are we going to have this as the beginning? I think we should have that as the beginning. Hello, and welcome to Two in the Think Tank,

the show where we try and defend capitalism. And come up with five sketch ideas that defend capitalism. Hey, why not? Why not? You know, what about a sketch where somebody tries to become friends with capitalism? Okay. Someone who doesn't really understand or benefit from capitalism, doesn't really understand or benefit from capitalism, but they try and get on its good side in the hope that maybe it will just cut them a break once in a while.

I feel like that's people who are voting for Trump. Yeah? I don't know. Wait, wait. But I guess in order to become friends with capitalism, do you just have to have loads of money? Can you buy off capitalism? That's true. It would be very difficult to buy off capitalism. It would also be very difficult to move in the same circles as capitalism. I feel like you'd need to be quite rich just to get in the same world.

You and I, Alistair, we do not live in capitalism's world. I'm sure, in a sense, we do. I mean, we live in its cover. But in another sense, yes. I mean, we live in its wake. We move in its circles, but only in those circles that are sort of around the drain. I would say, yeah, they're eddy currents of its wake. Yeah, they're eddy currents of its weight.

But does capitalism hang out with the rich, or does it hang out with other economic ideologies? Forces. Like, it hangs out with Marxism? Does it? Surely it wouldn't hang out with Marxism. Socialism and... What's another? Keynesian economics?

Keynesian? Keynesian economics? Yes. Does it hang out with that? Yeah, sure. In a sense, I think Keynesian economics is sort of a subset of capitalism. Or it's a sort of a merger between socialism and... Look.

Well, I guess it must hang out with some of the subsets in order to make it feel like a big ideology. Yeah, indeed, indeed. It's not one. It's not much on its own. Okay, so the sketch is... Yes. It's a guy who wants to hang out with the economic... Concept?

Concept of capitalism. Yes. Because he'll try to butter it up, and he thinks that'll help him get ahead. Great. And then he realizes that capitalism doesn't just hang out with people. Even really rich people, it doesn't... So he's gone through all this trouble to become hugely rich. Yes.

So that he could get some kind of financial benefit. What if he's just a fan of capitalism? Right? He's a... You know, he's a he's a he you know he's he's not it's like okay people who are fans of big rock stars right yeah they're not big rock stars no they probably never hang out with big rock stars and they don't enjoy the rock star lifestyle right but what if it's a really poor guy right and i'm trying to simplify it so he doesn't have to have a man hanging out with a concept, right? It's a really poor guy

who's just a big fan of capitalism, right? So he goes to outside big department stores like Meijer and stuff and just just applauds. He just loves it.

And then he's reading the stock reports He's like oh The ASX is up That's good for the rich That's good to see And also it's down which is also good Because it's also capitalism And I'm just happy to see it happening

Ah look at the forces in action Aren't they majestic It's like the ocean Yeah like people who are cloud watchers or something like that, but he's just watching economic patterns. Yeah, and he just stands on the corner of Collins Street and watches the business people go past and just says, you're all doing a great job.

I lost $4 million today. Especially you. Oh, capitalism. million dollars today. Especially you. Capitalism. Look, I don't know if this sketch is 100% there yet. Well, that's capitalism, baby. Man, okay, look, I'm writing man who

wants to be friends. You're going with the wants to be friends. No, no, I'm putting it both in because they're both sort of demi-ideas. I think yours is much closer. Yes. Thank you.

Thank you. Wants to be friends with. But mine may be closer, but maybe the other one tries harder. A fan of. A fan of capitalism he goes to I don't know what would be considered like a capitalism concert

what's the equivalent of that oh that would be the trading room floor of course the New York Stock Exchange yeah go there

you know you go see a lot of people yell yeah that would be awful but he loves it yeah he loves it he's never had the knack himself

You know He would never have claimed to be a rock star No Absolutely not He's not He's just an enthusiast It's just Just loves watching

Just likes to witness it Yeah In the same way that people who are into clouds Never want to be a cloud Yeah Yet They can't help but eventually become a cloud you know do do they i think every all of us will at some point be a part as part of a cloud like in a digital sense or in a sense of the liquid in our bodies evaporating we're probably gradually becoming

clouds whenever you sweat you're turning into a cloud, aren't you? Yeah, you're slowly cloudifying. You're evaporating. I've never thought about that before. Yeah, and also when you have a photo of you taken and it gets uploaded to the cloud, I think that's also you becoming part of a digital cloud. That's in a lesser sense, in a much lesser sense. Yes.

Yes, it is. Yeah. So, anyway, I don't know. What do you think about this as an idea for a dystopia, Alistair? Great. Is it everybody becomes clouds? No. This is a dystopia.

I had a nice idea the other day. So, sorry, this is an outside idea that I'm bringing into the podcast. Okay, okay. Let's see. It's where um a company right can genetically engineer babies right you so that they uh are immune to all disease okay right they'll never be sick great right um and so they'll live an incredibly long time right so you can go along to your company give give them your sperm, whatever. They'll genetically engineer it, whatever.

And then they'll produce you a baby that's your child, but that is immune to all disease, will never be sick. And the only payoff for this is that your baby requires, to survive, requires a patented new type of oxygen that this company sells. Oh. So you can have a healthy baby, and it's a reasonable price. It's just $50 a month or something for the rest of their life

to get a little canister that they just clip into their belt and they'll just, they need that. What do you reckon? As a dystopia, what would you do? Oh, I think that's good. I think that's a real... It's a good satire on subscription services like Spotify or Apple Music.

It absolutely is. I read an article where they're saying Apple Music comes into your computer and takes all the music files that are in there and then uploads them to their thing and then just replaces them with whatever version of the music they have. It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Yeah, and then if you want to keep accessing your own music

that you already had on your phone, you've got to keep paying. That's exactly what I'm talking about. But with babies and oxygen. Yeah, I like that. Okay, so that's good. And are they making it... I mean, I know this is not an important question,

but are they just making it just from the sperm, or are they using also an egg? Or are people having solo babies now? Look, I haven't gone into that far, and I don't want to complicate the idea, right? Sure. But I think it's a two-parent family. I like it a lot.

And then what could happen is society will sort of divide into these two halves, these successful, never-sick babies who are more productive, richer, live longer, but who are dependent on this company. And then people who've decided, I don't want my baby dependent on this, but who then naturally become an underclass. Of course, yeah.

Well, it would also lead to, you know, like this, it would be in this company's interest to invent diseases that regular people can't beat. Oh my god, absolutely. Things like that. Superbugs, they will thrive.

The company would do really well. But then, on the other hand, is that even though you can beat all diseases, even if you and me were immune to all diseases, you're still not immune to decapitation. That is... Yes. I see. That is... Yes. I see.

Their one weakness. The neck. That's right. Removal of the head. Yeah, their whole body. That's their one weakness. Once you remove the blood. I'm immune to everything except for death,

which is being brought upon me in large quantities. Yeah. And so maybe the other people, the people who are not immune to disease, they would sort of... They're also not immune to jealousy and also rage. That's right. But then I think that they would maybe try to immunize themselves from decapitation by creating mech warrior suits.

But then the suits would become infested with disease. Anyway, assuming that they're... And that is the plot of War of the Worlds. Because the aliens come down in their big machines, right? Yeah, yeah, of course. But it was bacteria. Simple God's bacteria. I was talking to somebody just the other day,

and they were like, you think that they would have found that out when they first came and planted... You know, like, because they had buried some of their spaceships and stuff like that on Earth, and you think somehow when they did that much earlier on... They would have... They would have, like, maybe just tested...

Tested. Like, the livability of it. Are there any kind of microscopic creatures? Oh, this is a pretty big operation. Is there anything that could go wrong? Anything really simple like microorganisms

that we have no ability to resist like the common cold? It's there in the name. Common. There could be quite a bit of it. Yeah. Is that why it's, the common cold? It's there in the name. Common. There could be quite a bit of it. Yeah. Is that why it's called the common cold? Because it's everywhere?

Or is it called the common cold because it's not a very classy disease? Andy, I don't know. I don't know. At this point, you know, epistemology, is it? No, is it epistemology? I mean, if it's not the right word, Alistair, it's the right word

for me right now. Because that makes me feel good just hearing it. Great. I think it's the pistom. It's the pistom? Yeah, in the middle. Epistom. Now, wait. Should we make the baby thing... Can we make the baby thing a sketch in some way? I mean, is there ways of turning this funny?

I mean... Like people to like cancel their subscription because they realize all we can't afford like these things build up all the time you know well yeah i mean okay so so if it might if if we go with it, how can we leverage it as just an extension of the existing subscription world? How can we have someone who is on Spotify? You can't be on Spotify and Apple Music. That would be ridiculous. That would be like having Presto and Stan and Netflix which I do yeah well

so then it's possible it's possible I'm wondering like let's say you want to unsubscribe because you can't afford the oxygen yes they say okay look we can take you off this premium service where you have the baby yeah what we can take you off this premium service where you have the baby and things like that.

What we can do is keep the baby alive. And so you can come and see it, but you'll probably have to look at some ads occasionally. But also the child, the baby slash child will work for us and live with us. This is the future. Someone goes in to get this thing for their baby, but they can't afford it. They're not happy with it, right? And then what are the alternatives?

What are the more cut price versions of the genetically engineered baby that you can get the baby that just says ads to you, right? I think rather than like... That's good. It's a perfectly healthy baby. It will live for a really long time, but every five minutes it reads an ad.

They've just pre-installed a bunch of ads and kind of software. And if you want to unlock that and disable the ads in the baby, we can do that for you. Anytime you're ready. Okay, I liked it. I think that this is a, I'm going to write, call it subscription baby.

Subscription baby. Yes. Immunity. Immunity. Yeah. So it's like, it's called immunify or something like that. Right? Yep. And yeah, yeah, it's great. And then it's called Immunify or something like that, right? Yep.

And yeah, it's great. And then it's all about vaccines. So ultimately we become anti-vaxxers. Wow. Yeah, I know. It's quite a twist. But don't you think that... Quite a twist.

Yeah. I think that the people who don't go with it will be like, hey, we're traditionalists. We like just old Western medicine. Yeah. We don't have that kind of pre-programmed immunity thing that you guys are all going for. We just like things where your body builds up a natural immunity. Yeah.

Or you sort of, your body gets sick and then you give it a hugely punishing regime of drugs. Yeah. That's what we... What nature intended. That's what nature intended. For us to slowly develop the science to save our lives. Yes. Over hundreds and thousands of years. Do you reckon God could have a brother?

Kev. Todd? Todd, yeah. God could have a brother. Kev. Todd. Todd, yeah. Like, yeah. And brothers can be quite weird. They're so different from... So different, right? They kind of might look a bit similar.

Yeah. Right? Maybe Todd probably doesn't have the beard, but like he can tell from his nose and his eyes. But he just never quite... Yeah. I'd like to, maybe you could visit sort of God's brother's world. Like just the way that it would, how different it would be.

That's great. That's really good. Yeah. So God's brother, Todd, has made a universe as well. Yeah. Right? But it's just shitter. It's brother, Todd, has made a universe as well. Yeah. Right? But it's just shitter. It's just, yeah.

And it's weirder. Like, it has a stranger smell. Yeah. Maybe God is taking Jesus to Todd's universe to visit his uncle. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. to visit his uncle. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. And God's very sort of patient, but Jesus is sick of it. Yeah. Okay, that's good. And so is he kind of a bit, he's a bit lazier? Yeah.

You know, like maybe like the, you know, the best food that you can get basically in that universe is like chicken fingers, you know, just that you buy from the supermarket and you cook in the oven. Yeah, yeah. Okay, he's like a bachelor god with a bachelor universe. Yeah, I like that. It's like McCain's potatoes.

Yeah. Shake and bake. There's a lot of shake and bake. Everybody uses paper plates. Todd, on the first day he invented shake and bake. Everybody uses paper plates. Todd, on the first day, he invented shake and bake. And on the second day, he rasted. For it was good. And he tasted it, and it was good.

And he saw that it was fine. Yeah, it was good enough for a guy who doesn't want to have to try too hard. Yeah. It was good enough to get laid. So he's still playing the field. He's still playing the field. He's like sort of old Zeus, like always going down. Yeah, like seducing a dove.

No, he would turn into a woman. No, he would turn into a cow and seduce a woman. Yeah. Whereas... The things men do to get a woman. Zeus's, like, pick-up artist manual would be quite a... You know, he was the original pick-up artist. Zeus's pick-up artist manual would be quite a... He was the original pick-up artist. Zeus' pick-up artist book.

But he's got all these techniques. Become a cow. Become a cow. Oh, man. You haven't... Simplify Zeus. Just talk to them like they're a person. Maybe give yourself a human form. Leverage the fact that they're a person Maybe like Give yourself a human form

Leverage the fact that you're a god Talk to them like Like they're a person Also like you're a person Not a cow Not a swan Moo I mean that's so hard

You are going about it the most I guess maybe he was challenging himself at this point But he's putting up barriers You know how some people don't want to be loved? Like, because they don't think that they deserve it. Zeus was trying to fail, but somehow he still scored

whilst being a cow. Well, he had magnetism. Or, like, or he's like, you know, I remember seeing an interview with, like, an F1 driver who was, like, he was, at one point he realized he wanted to try to pick up without mentioning the fact that he was a champion F1 driver. And he remembers one time where it wasn't working and he just goes, I'm an F1 driver. And he was in straight away. I feel like he was still moving within his circles.

He was still moving within the Formula One circles, right? Because I think telling people you're a Formula One driver, I can't imagine works with everyone. And I imagine if you were purely within a Formula One circle and then not telling people that you're a Formula One driver, it would in fact be even harder than normal. Sure, sure, sure. So you're thinking that there's some people that are purely F1 groupies. Yes.

And he tried to hit one of those. Yes. Up. And they weren't having it. Although you would think they would know by looking at him yeah especially if he's a champion and exactly look okay wait we have to we we have to go back so many places okay okay so uh gods god's brother todd the Bachelor God From the Bachelor Universe

The Bachelor God From the Bachelor Universe So in the beginning There was God? There was nothing There was God?

Or there was nothing? I can't remember I don't think God created himself But in the Bible it says in the beginning There was God or there was nothing? I can't remember. I don't think God created himself. But in the Bible, it says in the beginning, there was the Word and the Word was God. I can't remember. Anyway, I think just like in the beginning and then just after the beginning, there was Todd. Right?

Okay. And then there's a whole him creating shake and bake. Yeah. All right. And then there's also Zeus. Is it that he's putting up barriers to himself? Okay. I like that Zeus is involved in this universe. So that's why he's kind of disappeared from our universe.

Oh, yeah. So is he in the Todd God? I mean, I suppose he could be traveling between universes. I mean, if regular God can, he's like the guy that Todd kind of looks up to, Zeus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. He's been hanging out. He's an older God, you know. He's kind of just like, you know.

And he's like, I think since Zeus stopped being the top God, he's probably hit the drink pretty hard. Yeah. And he's a loose unit. He's a loose Zeus. Yeah. I still picture Zeus as Anthony Quinn. I haven't...

What's that from? He was in Hercules. Right. Do you know Anthony Quinn? No. Was that the Greek? Was that Anthony Quinn? Right.

Anyway, look, forget it. But I think Anthony Quinn died about 20 years ago. Oh, that's a shame. Yeah. We'll have to find somebody else. Who else has got the, like... Well, I mean, it's got to be Brian Blessed, right? Oh, yeah.

I guess he'd make a good God. I don't think you have to do much. I don't think even the audio guy even needs to tweak any dials. No, no, no. I think he's just got that... He's godlike. He booms. Yeah.

All right, wait. We're getting... Okay, we got that. Do you think that any... Because the Zeus stuff could be a separate thing. I think it's a separate thing to me. I think, like, almost a... Is it like a Hitch type situation in the movie Hitch?

Right? Where either God is Hitch or God is the other guy. Kevin James. Kevin James. Or Zeus is the other guy. So Zeus is Hitch or Zeus is the other guy. That James. Kevin James. Or Zeus is the other guy. So Zeus is Hitch or Zeus is the other guy. That's what I was saying.

Hitch but with God. I love that you're like you're all knowing and all powerful but you're still You're just bad with girls. Yeah.

Like yeah because I think that probably doesn't work but like i just because it is funny to think that they're they're all powerful and all you know almighty yes but they still have different personalities well that's always like certainly that was always the case with um with sort of romantic comedies it's always someone who's got their life together in every other respect, but they just can't find a guy or, you know, whatever that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I hear that. Anyway. Yeah, look, I think, look, I've got God's brother Todd in The Bachelor, God from The Bachelor universe, right? Yep. I think that is in itself.

And, you know, God goes and brings Jesus to visit his uncle. Yep, yep. Right? And Zeus' pickup book. And that can just be a separate thing. Separate thing. Because I think that's just, you know, looking at some of the ways he went about that. And then we kind of went on to a third thing. What was

the third thing that I tried to pull us back from? The Daniel... I'm automatically assuming it's Daniel Ricciardo, but it's the Formula One guy. That's not necessary. No, I don't think that's necessary. Also, it's too many guys. So many guys in the last things.

All these things we've said, it's all guys. I know, but... Pursuing women. It's disgusting. Well, I mean, so many guys in the last things all these things we've said it's all guys i know but pursuing women it's disgusting well i mean some of them are gods he's a bachelor he's a bachelor it doesn't mean that he's necessarily pursuing women i mean if you're just if you're just portraying his universe uh todd's universe as like a bachelor universe. It's more that you're just showing how awful men are. Yeah, no, absolutely. On their own. And I think to a certain extent, all of these sketches have that angle, that perspective.

And I want to write women as much as you. Thank you. Right? It's just, I think my default goes to guys and then i've also read been reading some stuff recently about like people getting offended when you write from the point of view of another person because you can't possibly understand it right so like you you it i i do think about that i think it is like you know in a way, for certain things, not our story to tell, right? Yeah.

But the way to overcome that is to engage other people in the writing process. Yeah. But then... I know. It's not our place to engage other people in the writing process, Alistair. Look, I think this is what I'm going to do from now on.

I'm just going to write everything. Like, each person is just it could be anyone well but that's what that's that's what people are people could be anyone yeah and so and then i'll let the casting change it and then i'll allow improvisation on it for people to add their own culture and and uh and also extra punchlines And punchlines I'm not going to write anything And then the whole thing is improvised I just provide a list of gender neutral Character names And a location

Or a bunch of locations Sure And we pick whichever is the cheapest To hire And then we'll point cameras Cameras, audio devices, whatever it takes to make a film. There's a smell version. I'm looking forward to that.

It's happening. I mean, how stupid is the idea of smell-o-vision? We've talked about this on the podcast before. We've also talked about Zeus seducing people dressed as a moose. Dressed as a cow before. Never get anywhere as a moose. You would not. No one's being seduced by a moose.

You know what I found out recently? Caribou are just reindeer. Yeah. Really, you know? Amazing. Can you believe that? Two great names. Caribou probably the better of the two names.

It's a great... It must be a Native American name. Yeah, you think that we in the Western world couldn't come up with something... There's no way we could come up with... With the kind of depth and rich rhythm of Caribou. No, I don't think so. There's not a lot of boos in English.

Like, that are, you know, English native I really, I feel like I've been put on the spot All I've got to do is name one boo Yeah, I mean, there's boo, obviously Which is what you say when you're scaring somebody A boon, if something can be a boon If it's good That's kind of got a boo in it.

And then there's boot, obviously, which has got a bit of boo in it. I know, but boot sounds like it must have come from German. Yeah, probably. I mean, it all came from German, most likely, so I don't know. Computer, though? Computer, that's all English.

Yeah, and it feels like a nerdy word. Who's the person who decided that on, on calculators was going to be AC for activate computing? And then we just went with that. Is that what it was? We went with that for decades.

Is that really what it was? I think so. I think I've heard that. That AC is activate computing. Really? Oh, that's awful. I imagine someone tried to write activate computing on the button originally, and they're like, that is too long.

Something shorter, maybe two letters. You're only allowed two letters, and it has to mean on. And hopefully it's not the same as some other acronym for a device. Possibly that the remote looks very similar to a calculator. I'm talking about an AC device. Ah. AC. Air conditioning.

Air conditioning. Well, Andy, here we are. I've driven us to a dead end. Activate computing. But you know what we've've done very quickly we've come up with four ideas I know, we can afford to just waffle we can afford to waffle at this point I can drive us into multiple dead ends if you like

which I have on many occasions I'm continuously trying to remember something that I've thought of today and that I've continuously trying to remember something that I've thought of today and that I've been trying to remember. And I remembered it earlier while you were talking about something else. Possibly a man who wanted to be friends with capitalism. Oh, that was ages ago. That was ages ago.

For you to have remembered it back then. Oh, it was roughly 30 minutes. You know, we never actually remember anything, Alice, anywhere, Alice. Anyway, we only remember the last time we remembered it. Yeah. Apparently. I feel, I've been thinking a lot about how we just forget most of our life. Oh.

Isn't it crazy? Yes. Like, I see photos of myself as a young boy, right? And I have no idea. Oh. No idea what that was like. Yeah. Yeah.

Not even slightly. What it was like, what he was thinking. Yeah. Like, I remember times from back then, and then I find out, like like a year later that those times that i think i remembered are just a video i watched of myself as a young boy right because my parents have a one video of when i'm two yeah so you got a lot of really vivid memories of being two of being two yeah right remember going outside and opening my mouth and catching snowflakes

that were what a beautiful memory for you to have faked. Yeah, and then it turns out it's all a video. Anything funny about that? Anyway, I feel like it's something for stand-up maybe like a court case or something along those lines where like, because witness statements are notoriously unreliable. Flawed. Flawed. Hugely flawed and very manipulatable. Indeed, Your Honour.

And so something about, you know, a witness gets up to give their testimony, right? But instead of the barrister cross-examining the witness, they just impeach the concept of memory, right? And they just tear that apart, okay? That nothing we think we remember, we truly remember, right? We are but a shadow upon a shadow upon a shadow. You know? Yes. What precious moments we've

lost. Just to prove to you how awful memory is, I would like to ask the witness if you could tell me the beginning of this sentence. What was it exactly? Well, that's very easy.

Yeah? Just to show you how awful the concept of memory is. It doesn't sound like you're making it easy. Like it was that easy. But I think the fact that he then can't remember himself to confirm whether or not I'm right. Yeah. I have no idea if he's right. Your Honor.

I rest my case. I don't know. I don't remember myself. And I said it. And if I am unreliable. Me. The guy trying to prove look I think

there's something in this about so they're putting the whole yeah yeah I mean cause what's that sentence that they say

in like like this isn't what's on trial it's the whole god damn system that's on trial yeah yeah yeah um

that those words but that's on trial yeah yeah yeah um that those but that that those words but with memory yeah um yeah so so i mean what is the what does the judge rule at the end that like that we should all go home and just spend time with our families because because all the past is an illusion and all that matters is joy in the moment i think i think that would be well the maybe the jury finds that wow they find like some really deep... Yeah.

Yeah, we find... Yeah, look, I really like that. Trial. Yeah, so there's a trial. There's a witness on the stand, and the barrister interrogates the concept of memory. Not the reliability of the witness's testimony, the reliability of any testimony, the reliability of our own perception

of events, our own memory, that there is, we're just a wall onto which is cast beautiful pictures, but after they're gone, does the wall remember? No. No, we're but a fleeting moment in time. It's like a swallow that flies through an infinity of darkness and for a moment flies through a room that is lit with light and then back into darkness It doesn't remember the light

So that's what the jury the head juror says Your honour we find the concept of memory and existence guilty of being a swallow flying through darkness into light. Andy, I feel like I almost didn't add anything of any value to that, but I feel like something of value came out.

We had a good time. Yeah, I was having a lot of good times. Woo! Lord. Andy, you put it on the big screen TV that is my mind's eye. And you put a crystal clear picture up there for me.

Yet when I wanted to project something up there myself, it was like I texted you a video and the compression on the video that had occurred had made the video basically unwatchable. I saw a comment online, sorry, Alastair,

but it related to what you just said, which was all beautiful. Yeah, great. I saw a comment online that I thought was really funny. Like, it was a comment on some bad quality video that was like, this is pretty good considering it was filmed on a potato, right? I was like, that is hilarious.

Great comment, person. And then I found out that's just a thing that a lot of people comment. It's like a joke that came from Reddit or something. I was so disappointed. I know. It's sad, but it's also, it gives you hope. I don't know, not hope. Maybe it doesn't give you hope.

I mean, obviously. It made me sad. I just made that clear. I've never seen you this deflated whilst also full of hope. If anything, it took away hope from me, Alistair. Really? Yeah, because I was like, oh, there are people writing funny things on the internet. Yes, but there was somebody that did still come up with that.

Sure, but we're just regurgit cycling. Oh, absolutely. And that's going to continue happening. But at least people are capable of recognizing a good joke and wanting to repeat it. It's like that thing where it's a common thing on like Ask Me Anythings where people ask them, would you rather like something like 20 horse-sized ducks or two-sized horse? Yeah, something like that and and i think that that's it's very funny that like that somebody came up with that and that and then there was like that the world had the ability to recognize how good it was and and keep it going yes i mean think about

all the things that didn't survive like that you Yeah, I guess that's what memes are, aren't they? Memes. It's evolution of ideas. Yeah. And sometimes things that are really good will just die because they weren't... There would have been creatures... Misfortune. Yeah, through misfortune.

There would have been creatures that would have been way better than some of the shit we got here on this planet right now. Not naming any names. Aardvark. But they just died because they couldn't get laid. I said aardvark because I opened my big book of animals and that was literally the first one. The first thing in there. That's great.

I like that you have actually bothered to alphabetize the books in your mind. Yes. It's nice. Mind book. Yeah. Think about all the creatures. I mean, even that's an idea

possibly for a sketch that where it could be like let's say it's a book of... You know like they always find books from writers that had released one successful book. Yes. And then they go, actually, we found this other manuscript that wasn't finished. To Kill a Mockingbird slash Ghosts at a Watchman. Yeah.

So, it's Darwin's book, something to follow up on. We've done this joke already. No, no, no. But this one is exactly what we're saying now. He's releasing a book on creatures that were great but didn't make it. Right. That didn't make it. It's not that they weren't fitter.

They were way fitter. Right, right, right. They were way fitter than a lot of the shit that we've got now but they couldn't get laid so it's not survival of the fittest it's unsurvival of the misfortunate yeah that's right but probably deserving

like creatures that he spent a lot of time with and actually actively tried to get them laid because he recognized having seen a thousand armadillos, he found this one with this mutation that clearly made it better. Right? It had... Yeah. You know, it had... And it was also pure of spirit.

Yeah, it was pure of spirit. And so he was kind of like hitched. He was rooting for it. And this creature was a bit like Kevin James. And he was trying to get it, showing it how to dance. But he just had this one part of its life that it couldn't get together, which was getting a woman or a man. And went back. And went back.

And it's a book about these creatures that happen that many times. I mean, you spend that much time alone in the field over years, you're going to get lonely enough that you're going to get attached to one mutant. Just because he discovered the lore of survival of the fittest doesn't mean he was happy about it. No. He wanted, like, this is, I'm trying to write a bit at the moment about how I can't feed ducks anymore

because you go there, and then there's always one freak-sized duck, you know, one that's way bigger than the others. And you're like, I'm not trying to feed you. I want to feed the ducklings. And so you're actively trying to fight evolution and try to impose this weird socialism on this group of ducks, which I think is because I'm a white guy and I can't stop colonizing everything. And so it's the same thing with him.

He himself was an underdog, but he still felt like he was better than other people, and he thinks that he shouldn't have had to marry his cousin or whatever he did, that weird Darwin. We're talking about Darwin, right? Yeah, Darwin married a close relative and had kids with him. Ah. Yeah. And was that close relative a chimpanzee?

Yeah. And was that close relative a chimpanzee? Closer than any other living such and such. Yeah. So, I don't know. Is that a sketch of the unreleased manuscript of Darwin? Yeah, sure, sure. It's volume two, right?

So the first one was Survival of the Fittest, and volume two is... But seriously, check these guys out. How much better would they have been? Survival of them would have been the best. Yeah. Thanks for filling in time

while I write. Alistair, in a way, that's my role. It's just fill in time while you write. Alistair, in a way, that's my role. You know, it's just fill in time while you write. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Okay, so, I'm equally as bad at filling in time. No, that's quite alright. You know, what thought I have

almost more than any thought these days is, I got nothing. Or like or like you know it's like it's like oh man i wish i had something to say here like i just i think about the emptiness of the of my mind in the place where there should be sentences go no but maybe alice then maybe you're at peace except you're clearly not you're unhappy about it. You've found, you've achieved that kind of blankness that Buddha was seeking, and you're upset about it. It's awful. It's really awful.

Yeah, I mean, there must have been some awkward silences in conversations with Buddha. Like, I'm sure he was fine about it, but everyone else was like, God, this is awkward. He's just sitting there. I wish that he felt at least some suffering so that he could read the room. Yeah, I mean, maybe like while he didn't feel any suffering, maybe like everyone else around him, their suffering

increased to compensate just through awkwardness. It's the law of conservation of suffering. He's created a suffering vacuum which has attracted all these people towards him that their suffering increased. He's created a suffering vacuum, which has attracted all these people towards him. Their suffering increases. He's created a suffering low-pressure system.

But that's kind of actually what happens, because then people who are suffering have gone to him to try to reduce their suffering. Yeah, but we're suggesting that they increased it, which is tenuous. Well, look, they go towards him because he claims to have this solution to decrease your suffering. Yes. But then... While they're on the way, they hurt their foot. No, but then as we've already established, Buddha's a pain in the ass. I talk about Buddha so much.

He's a great concept. Oh, he's a great concept. He's a fantastic concept. In a way, he's a... Well, it helps that Buddhism is a pretty peaceful religion. You feel like he could take it.

Right? Yeah. Like, you just... You can make fun of Buddha and you feel like he would sort of support you. Yeah. You know, like a friend

who can be mocked well. My mum's very good at being mocked. Really? Yeah. I wouldn't try. Good, good. I don't know what she's like at being mocked by, you know, relative strangers. Well, look, I could start calling her mum.

Yeah? And then... I think you've done that a couple of times as a joke. I think so. I think maybe I suggested to her at one point I should call your dad dad. And I think I remember her laughing at that. But I was going to think – I was thinking about this yesterday. I mean this might have been the thing I was trying to remember earlier.

We've got a lot of this – like we – a lot of these old religions, they have integrity because they're old a lot of times. So it's kind of very much like a conservative thing to put your trust in ideas that have lasted thousands of years and that have taken thousands of years to sort of develop and things like that. But do you feel like it really takes thousands of years to sort of develop and things like that. But do you feel like it really takes thousands of years to sort of figure out life? Like, you could sort of get it down in about 20 or 30. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if things are going well for you, I reckon you can.

Like, you know, if you have a good start, like a nice, relatively stable childhood, I reckon 20 to 30 years is pretty achievable to sort of figure it out. But then I think to then convey that to someone else is sometimes hard. You can't just impart that, you know, because it's more of a vibe.

I think what the religions have done is they've made it scalable. They've made it a series of... They've broken it down into some... I'm not going to say simple rules. No, no, no. Rules. Yeah. I think...

Sorry, where I thought you were going with that, Alistair, when you were saying about the old religions and they've got all this integrity, but now some of them are dying out. Like, I don't know, Zoroastrianism, whatever that is, right? See, that to me feels like, you know, an old Australian company that used to make really good spanners, right? And now they've just got a brand name with a lot of like cachet, and then it'll get bought up by some big multinational, and then they'll start producing a bunch of really cheap Y-marked spanners.

Sure, yeah. Selling them. But it's like using their brand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So people should do that with religions. I could start a religion. I really just want the name. So let's say Scientology could go,

all right, look, we're a young religion. Yeah, we're growing fast. We're growing fast, but I think we've gone as far as we can with our own name and things like that. So, maybe if we bought Zoroastrianism. Zoroastrianism? I don't even really know what it is. I think it's an old Persian religion.

Yeah, I know about Zarathustra. Yes. I mean, it's the basis for it, but I don't know where... Yeah, but anyway. Look, I know Zarathustra. But I think you'd need something with a better name than even that. You'd probably go, you know what? But I think you'd need something with a better name than even that.

You'd probably go, you know what? We're going to buy either Christianity or like Hinduism or something like that. Just get a big one. Yeah. You know, like something, you know, because I guess. What if the Pope comes out and says, we decided to sell. Yeah. We got an offer that we couldn't refuse.

It was. Yeah. I mean, i guess you could imagine it would happen with maybe like like india like hinduism because it's kind of like a poor country right and so they could use the funding and so like you know but it's it's funnier to me if it's the pope okay right yeah because he he does make those kind of pronouncements he'd be like look they're a young energetic company um they they promised us that nothing's gonna change you're all still gonna keep your uh your your uh your jobs and uh you know and you guys can all still continue you know not wearing condoms and all that kind of stuff

and any penance that you've paid they've assured us will be honored under the new system. They will be carried over. Yes. They'll be called something different, but trust us, it'll still work. It's like, yeah, like your Qantas points moving across into the next system. I think that's a really funny idea. Right. So Christianity is selling up. Are they selling up?

Well, I mean, then maybe it's funnier if they don't sell up to another religion, but to a company. Oh, that's interesting. To sell to Coca-Cola or something. Yeah. Yeah.