Two In The Think Tank - 516 - "THE SPEED OF WET"

Episode Date: March 8, 2026

S.O.W, Too Much Information Pussycat, The Spitvalve Saxophonist, Smother a Brother, CPR Billions, Sued By the BeeGees, Xibit A, Sunday Night Bed Rest, Studio Notes, Truly Ugly, Missing Child Impersonator, P.U.N, The Thing Lost Kid, We Adopt Kids For CashYou can now purchase A Listener hats by emailing [e-mail] up on the 500th episode hereCheck out the sketch spreadsheet by Will Runt hereAnd visit the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here(Oh, and we love you) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, everybody. It's Alice at Trombley Virtual from the Two of the Think Tank podcast. Hey, do you want an A listener hat? Why not contact us? And we can send it to you. And it's like 40 Australian bucks, 50 with postage. Why not? You know, that's actually cheap in American dollars.

That's cheap in sort of, what's, what's something with a really, in euros, that's probably cheap. You know, in pounds. I'm sorry, it's really expensive in pounds. The pound's not doing well. Sorry, you shouldn't have Brexitted. Sorry. Sorry. How else are you going to use that money to protect yourself from the sun?

Hold a $50 note to your brow. Yeah, to your brow. You're going to look pathetic. You're going to look weak. All right, let's start the episode. Bing bang, bang, bong, bong, bing bang, bing bang, bing bang. Diggi-d-d-d-d-deggat-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-jong. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas.

I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair, George William, Trombly Virtual. I said to feel weird at the end of that song. I didn't think I was doing well. I was, look, you know, I like, and it doesn't happen all the time, but I like when I finish the song and I start talking, and you keep songing under me a little bit. It feels actually very professional.

Now, I wasn't listening to the content of that song. So I don't know. I don't know what you were saying. I think it's because I was hitting all of like ings andongs at the end of single-cellable sounds. And then that makes it feel like you're doing something inappropriate. And you know what? I want to apologize to anybody who might have felt like that wasn't appropriate. I want you to know it was just the spur of the moment.

That was what was in my heart. Oh, I don't know, Alastie. Backpedal, back pedal harder. Oh, no. Am I making this worth? Oh, it's just purely who I am. I just wanted to hurt you. I guess it's just representing my...

My truest beliefs. World view. But then, like, King Kong, you would never say that about King Kong, would you? That's true. That's true, although, you know, he is a bad guy. Look, I don't know if every Ingong, you know, every Ingong is bad. I saw a trailer last night. Yeah.

Which I wasn't watching all of it. the sound was mostly off. Just because it's you, Andy. This was a video trailer, or was this like something being pulled behind a car? I used to have a bit about that, Alistair. Yeah. What was it? What was the bit?

Oh, you know, in a trailer, in a movie trailer, you take out all the best, most exciting bits, right? And you put them all together, right? Yeah. to get people excited and it goes, oh, and you put it before the thing, right? The trailer goes before the movie. Yeah. But in a car trailer, to make a car trailer, I can't remember that's exactly, you take out all the best and most exciting bits, like the engine and the radio.

Yeah, and you put it behind the car. Yeah, that's good, yeah. Is this smaller still? Still smaller. Yeah, so still smaller. Yeah. So still smaller. And it doesn't really give you a much of a taste of what the, what cars.

If you saw a trailer, you wouldn't get excited to watch a car. Well, I mean, at least it doesn't ruin cars. No. You know? Like, unless you're driving with a trailer and then your car, you know, you jackknife or whatever like that, and you sort of take out a couple of families. Oh, man. Did I tell you about the time I saw that happen with a fucking horse float with horses in it?

It was dad and I driving down the southern outlet, which sounds like a euphemism. Yeah, that's the butt of the world. Well, it's the anal passage of Hobart in Tasmania. It's how you escape Hobart into the toilet of Kingston, I suppose. You are the turd, one of Hobart's turds, and you go to Kingston. Kingston the toilet of... But we're going down the southern outlet, downhill,

and a horse float starts to fish tail in front of us. And then it flips over onto its side and smashes into the railing on the side of the road. And so we get out. And these fucking horses in there thrashing around. They can't escape the thing. And they're kicking everything. Yeah.

But they're okay? And I can't remember. remember if it was me, oh, there's definitely blood. I can't remember if it was me or dad who, no, sorry, dad or some other driver who had an angle grinder and they cut the back of the horse float open and the horses run out and then they're running all over the fucking guy. Yeah. I mean, look, it was one solution that created a couple more problems. But you know, you can't. Yeah. The horses in there. Yeah. That's angle grinding the horse float doors before the horse float doors before the horses bolted.

That's right. And Andy, I want to say that... It's definitely your dad that had the angle grinder in his corner. Well, this is the thing I'm torn between... He would have grounded off without wearing any eye protection. Well, you're catching each spark in his eyelids. Absor. Yeah.

And dropping them into a little bucket so he can melt them down and use them again later. Like a true, a true crafts person. That's right. Yeah. Well, saving them in his eyes. saving a little shards of metal in his eyes so that he can later pull them out with a strong magnet and make something from it.

Something beautiful. Maybe something beautiful. Maybe a little wooden toy. Maybe a blind person's cane so that he can still find his way around now that his vision is utterly destroyed. For himself. Alastair, how do you feel about this?

I believe that you should be able to dip a cloth into some water and take it out really quickly and it's not wet yet. Like, you know, surely it takes a certain amount of time for the water to soak into the cloth. So it feels like... It's an experiment. Yeah.

Yeah. How long... What's the speed of soak? The speed of wet. The speed of wet. Like that. Today we're trying to discover the speed of wet. Yeah.

And it's just... I mean, it could be a guy, lab coat, standing next to a bucket, holding the cloth. He's got a bag of rags Bagger rags Good Bag a rag Bag a rag

Got a bag a bag a baggerag Got a big gold Bagger rag Bagger rag Isn't there like a song From like Um REM that sounds like that

I think it's like It's something in blame Hmm Didn't he write What's new pussycat Bagger rag Baggerag Baggerag

What's new pussy cat Um I mean great What a question by the way. What's new pussycat? I mean, that would have been, firstly, the confidence in the guy who walks into a room and asks a cat how he's going. And then, is the, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is that him reacting to whatever the cat said? Yeah, the cat's day. Something unexpected must have happened. Maybe somebody had moved a bit of furniture. All the cat just like spontaneously said something really hateful. Like the, it feels a bit like a whoa. Oh yeah, that's true, yeah. Or like maybe too much information from the cat.

Yeah. Man, I didn't ask for your life story. Yeah. It feels like that kind of. Something about anal sex or, you know, or, yeah. I mean, something like, you know, dropping a couple of slas or something like that. When you said anal sacks. Yeah.

You heard anal sax? No, no, because we're in a musical context, I assumed for a very long time, almost a full three seconds that you were talking about anal saxophone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That you were doing like a, you were doing a fucking pun.

Can't remember what that song is. I put a spell on you. I'm picturing that sax from the, I put a stone. That, yeah. What? That's not Howland Wolf. Who is that?

I think it might be hell. Span on you. No, it's a different guy. Because you're... It's such a good song. It's so... Screaming Jay Hawkins. Screaming, yeah.

See, I knew somebody was expressing themselves loudly. Yeah, yeah. Screaming Jay Hawkins. Yeah. And I mean, that's got to be like a bass sax, too. You can't, you're not getting that kind of growl. from a regular mouth sacks it's a bass anal sax

you're not getting that airflow from the mouth do you tell you my theory that like at a certain point you've got to grow up and become a fucking adult right and listen to growing up music and if you're wondering what growing up music is it's music that has saxophones in it like just fucking grow up

and listen to songs with saxophones in them. Yeah. I genuinely, I'm like, I've been listening to a few saxophone connected songs recently and been feeling like, yeah, this is what it means

to be a growing up, an adult, and I'm having a great time. It's not a, it's not a kid's instrument. The sax, no? I mean, yeah, what is a kid's instrument, would you say? Glock and spiel

Guitars Guitar I mean it's one of the most difficult instruments The guitar I would say Sure But kids like it You know Because it's like the sax

Does just play one note at a time Which feels more childlike Does it really? Yeah Can you play two notes on a saxophone Can you not play two notes on a saxophone? I don't think so I don't think any way

If you press down I guess I guess I guess so But I mean, I suppose I'd always assume that if you're pressing down two keys at once, you're playing a chord on a wind instrument. But that's not the case. No. Is that what you're telling me? Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, there's probably somebody who knows a lot more about stuff, and it's probably maybe a bit more like the human voice in which it's made up of layers of sort of, you know, microtones or whatever it is.

Those subtones or whatever they are. And so that makes the fullness of that sound. but I think that you are essentially just playing a single note on each thing. Right. I don't think... Well, then... I don't know any sax players that can go chords. Is that because most wind instruments are by their nature of cloaca?

There's only a single outlet. Yeah, the bottom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And the I guess they have whatever the,

they have the spit valve as well, don't they? Yeah. Can you play out the spit valve? Could you? Has anybody ever? But then the problem is once you got the spit valve open, is that where the stuff's just going to come out instead?

I reckon true, you know, this is like, you know, Gretzky scoring from behind the net, which I still don't understand. You know, if you're a true virtuoso of,

uh, uh, of the saxophone. you would work out a way to get a little honk, a little secondary honk out of that spit valve. And look, there might be...

You've got to be willing to get wet and make a mess, but there's going to be, there's a future there. Yeah, I mean, but I still think that you've just got... Yeah, look, you might be right, Andy. Maybe you can. Maybe there's people who can

just play the spit valve. They stuff the bell with rags and shit like that. Mm-hmm. And then I would like somebody to write a song called honking out the spit valve of my heart, if that's okay. Yep, okay, wait. I'll write that to the spitval saxophonist.

Honking out the spitwelf of my heart. It's a country song. I don't know if country songs often feature saxophone, but again, these are the frontiers that you will hear us explore and then shatter on the podcast, Andy and Alastair reinvent music. I think that's what we call it. We did two episodes.

We did two episodes. We both improvised songs in the... Shuck, shuck, shuck, shuck, shuck. Yeah. So join the Patreon so you can listen to those. Mm-hmm. I think, yeah. I think we probably had unusual time signatures

and that we weren't following any time? No, we had time initials. Time, what's another word for signatures? Signatures, digital signature. Yeah, great. Thumb prints, time. What's the new thing that we do? Autographs.

You know, like, that new thing that they allow you to sign in with on your phone or whatever? Two-factor authentication. Yeah, but they call it. Jesus. No, but they call it something else Recapture? No. You know when you log in to something?

Passcode, one time code. Yeah, pass code, I think. Just passcode or whatever. Passcode. There's that passcode thing, which they just brought in without telling us. You know, it just showed up one day. We weren't consulted, and they were just like, all of a sudden they were just like, do you want to sign in with a pass code?

And we don't know what that means. Yeah. But then we've got to look at our phones, show our face to our phone. don't do that. Sign into the internet or something and you're like, oh. Yeah, I don't let my phone know my face. Buy me a drink first. Boy, me a drink, mate.

Boy, it's a drink, brother. All right. Do you think that you could do, you could, oh, look, this is not worth saying, but do you think as a tech tip? Tech tip. You could. This is our tech tips. When you, when it asks you for a thumbprint,

do you think you could just put a different body part up against it? well we have already talked about the unique nose print but you know what i mean like let's say you could you know obviously the first thing you want to say is the dick or whatever but obviously i was actually thinking the butt yeah well pressing your whole like bringing your phone into your underpants and pressing the whole butt against it yes maybe the sphincter i wonder if that's a distinct there's nothing more distincter than the print of the sphincter how could anybody's two bodies be exactly the same. It's not...

We've had this conversation before. I know. I know. I've had this conversation before. And you've got this angry already. I know, but Andy, but yet you still go, oh, I wonder if the sphincter's unique. You still have that joyous curiosity in your heart.

Right? And I thought I shot. I thought I killed that. I thought I murdered that curiosity. Kill it dead. Um, no, Alistair, you return to finish the job and don't worry, it's stop Twitch.

You put it out of its misery. I've grabbed a big rock. And let's say, okay, how about this? You've got a, you're in a beautiful lounge room, right? You're in a, it's a beautiful air-conditioned living room with an elderly friend or something like that, right? And you're on a little holiday. and they ask you.

So am I elderly? No, no, no, no. You're just, you're an elderly friend. I've gone out with an elderly friend. I'm trying to imagine. So like I've made a friend. Maybe it like a, maybe now I'm living in Ballarat. Okay, I'm so desperate for human contact.

Yeah. Which I am, by the way. I've started just sort of befriending like people you would normally cross the street. to avoid like old people. It looks like it could be a neighbor. It could be a neighbor that you're a friend. And now we're going on a holiday. And then they invited you on this weird exotic holiday,

but just you with this maybe old man who, you know, you guys share a love of woodworking and getting little chunks of wood in your eyeballs and stuff like that, right? And so he invites you out to this desert. It's essentially he's like, come out. It's a desert island. But it's got this beautiful air-conditioned house. It's a very nice time.

And you go out there and it really is trying to seduce me. And it really is like, you know, takes you out there, beautiful living room air-conditioned. He says, I would like you to kill me. Right? And that's the other kind of seduction. Right. And then you look at it. look around and like the first thought is of course you don't want to do it but he makes a good

case somehow right yeah i would really really really really like you to do it like that and i've signed all the stuff and i've you know he's he does a little you know he does a little phone call with the attorney general or whatever of the country and assures you that there will be no reprocions legal ramifications the the the the dream scenario for him and he just needs somebody to do it, right? Yeah, but he hasn't set up anything. He hasn't provided any equipment. He hasn't thought that car ahead.

He hasn't provided any equipment. So I've got to find something in the room. Now you've got to figure out how to do it. And he wants you to figure it out, right? And maybe he even just like, before you even kind of go, well, how do you want me to do it? He's already taken like a sleeping potion or whatever. And so now he just needs you to finish the job. Okay, and there's no rocks anywhere, there's no trees, right?

I like that he's had a potion as well. Yeah, he had a potion. Why couldn't he just take a little bit more of the potion and just kill himself? The magic of it was that you do it. How do you think you would do it, Andy? I mean, oh, shoot, I just knocked over my microphone. It's going to be fun for the listeners. It's going to sound like I've just shot the man.

Yeah. I, what would I do? Well, I mean, obviously the pillow, right? Obviously the pillow. Like, all the cushions are sort of just, they're part of the couch that you can't take them. Oh, no. So I guess you could mush his face into the couch and see if that works. A little bit of mushen in the cushion.

A little bit of mushing with my elderly neighbor. You didn't even use the word cushion. You didn't even, you just used mushing. A little bit of cushion. I'm to do him a favor. Yeah. Yeah. A little bit of tush.

Tushing. That one's for me. A little bit of euthanasia, please. A little bit of exit strategy. piece of paper that he had left you. A little bit of euthanasia, please. Well, okay, I'm probably like crush his windpipe with a vase. Oh my, my God, there's no vase, there's no vars, but oh my God, great suggestion.

Like I said, it's a soft, it's a soft living room. Yeah, oh, yeah, okay. So, hang on, everything's so soft that... There's no... But there's no, but all the cushions are attached. Bush's whimpipe is an amazingly much more violent thing that I would have thought that you would have done. I wasn't listening to you saying it was an entirely soft living room. I guess I was implying that by living room, but I forgot that there were some things that were hard in living rooms.

Yeah. Yeah. Or I could just strangle him, I suppose. I mean, I don't want to bludgeon him. Would you do it with both your hands? Like, I think I would keep one free. I'd like to keep one, give one an alibi. Yeah.

One hand free as an alibi. Well, here's... Photographic evidence that shows his other hair. And I almost get away with it, but at the last second, somebody comes in and says, he has two hands, Your Honor. Or when they asked me to swear on a Bible or something, it's one of those classic tricks where they get you to do something.

could you if you well it seems like you might be innocent I'll believe you if you swear on this Bible then I swear on my Bible and it reveals that I have it

another hand just under the desk the whole time he has another hand he's the two-handed man revealed so yeah you look you know what I think I would start with

I think I would try to just pinch his nose and then hold his lips closed Yeah, that's really good. That's way more. Yeah. You know foods where you have to hold your nose to eat them. I was seeing a truly disgusting food is one where you also have to hold your lips to eat it. No breathing.

Well, yeah. I think sometimes taking a little breath that can make you taste it. But I think if you don't breathe, I think you don't taste. If you don't breathe, you don't taste. If you don't breathe, you don't taste. Yeah. Let's think this through. You can still gulp.

You can still swallow. Mmm, that's interesting. You could still gulp. Do you think that if you were choking on something, you could swallow something, get it down past the object in your windpipe, and then sort of burp or vomit it back up, and it might push the object. Sort of as it squeezes up the esophagus, it might sort of dislodge whatever it is. Oh, like the risk is it pushes it further down.

Like the food coming up the other pipe would somehow. Yeah. Yeah, sort of massage it out. I mean, I think that's always... I'm trying to be the new Heimlich maneuver guy. Oh, yeah. You know? Mr. Heimlich.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, look, new Heimlicks are good. Because, I mean, that guy, he got his name everywhere, didn't he? Yeah. And you'd notice that. whoever invented CPR, they didn't get their name on it, the fucking fools. That's true.

They should have. Yeah. You know. Carlos, unless it was initially. Oh. Yeah. Carlos. Pavlov.

Patriciel Othschild. What is it, Rothschild? Yeah. Yeah. But the name had too many syllables and people were dying while it was being described, while it was being called for. Imagine that every time you do, you do. CPR on somebody, you're actually, somebody tracks you down and says you've got to pay us for that. That's how we got all that money.

There's fucking royalties. We are raking it in. You want to use that? Imagine if you got sued by the estate of the BGs for performing CPR to the tempo, the time signature of staying alive. Oh yeah. We are pretty sure that that was playing in your head. Yeah, and you were using the rhythm. And they...

The distinctive beat. In court, the estate of the Gibbs brothers. And they actually call the guy that you resuscitated, whose life you saved as a witness for the prosecution. Oh, my God. He's living evidence. Exhibit A. Do you think there was ever a time where Exhibit was an exhibit? That's exactly what I was thinking.

Exhibit A was a... Exhibit. Exhibit. No, no, you wouldn't call him a exhibit, would you? You just call him Exhibit. Wait, I'm going to get the BG's down first. Ah, the brothers gibb. Begeese.

They scared the bejesus out of me. The B. Jesus. Oh, yeah. Do you think that's where it comes from? No, it comes from their initials. Brothers Gibb. Is that really what it was? They're like the brothers.

I wonder if anyone ever called the Brothers Grimm, the BGs. They were the original BGs. And, you know, the Grimm's fairy tales of that, I suppose, that was their Saturday night fever. Saturday night fever. Yeah. Sunday night, I guess the fever's broken. You're sort of recuperating bed rest. Sunday night.

bed rest. Yeah, and Monday night, hydration, keep up your hydration. Monday morning doctor's appointment. Tuesday morning certificate good for two days, take day off, but you're actually feeling pretty good. So you go on a roller coaster. Tuesday night, back at work. Back at work, you do the night shift.

Oh, yeah, I'm on your bloody, bloody, we're going to. hotel. Oh. Hotel. Night shift at a hotel. Mm. Clerk. That means Friday night night.

Friday night. Sore throat. Yeah, I guess so. And a runny nose. Yeah. Runny nose. The prequel. Wednesday night.

Post-viral symptoms. Does anybody talk about doing a frequel, you know, like a freaky sequel? So I thought you said, like, three, threequel? No, I have heard the threequel. Okay. But I was wondering about like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a freequel. Like, I feel like Evil Dead 2 was kind of a frequel, where it kind of reinvents the, like from being a more straight horror into being a comedy, a horror comedy.

Is that right? I've never seen Evil Dead one. so I can't confirm. But I think that's sort of what happens. I don't know anything about it. And I feel like there are other movie series where it does sort of like reinvent itself a bit in the sequel. Yeah.

Is it one of those ones that's like... Process. Yeah, that's like classically way better than the first. Could be. Like the Gremlins too, I think is supposed to be like that. Possibly because the guy really didn't want to remake it. And then he was like, all right, I'll do it. it but I can do exactly what I want.

Yeah. Imagine that. Imagine having enough of an artistic voice and enough of a vision to have all this stuff in the tank and want to do all this freaky shit that the studio wouldn't let you do. Like, I tell you what, if I was making a movie and the studio came in with all these ideas, I'd be like, thank fuck. Somebody with a bit of vision. I am striping the barrel.

I mean, I had the idea. That's all I could really do, to be honest. I came up with a name for this thing and I was exhausted. But you got all these pages of notes. Thank you. That's the script now. I've got a sketch idea podcast. My real experience is coming up with the idea, the rest of it, you know, to be honest.

I could take a leave. I got nothing. I had my fun. I'm not, this is true. This is all true. This is as far as I go. I don't have the attention span. I don't have the work ethic.

All right. I'm putting this on the record now. Obviously, if you're a movie studio and you're listening to this now, or you're listening to this in a couple of years, and you've given me a big budget Hollywood epic or whatever based on my creative vision. Obviously, I'm joking. But for everybody else, I'm 100% serious. I've got nothing.

So they've given you a big budget movie, Hollywood film, based on an idea, like a tag line. A one-sentence elevator pitch. Like that. And I was sweating by the end of that sentence. Yeah, yeah. He was like, you're absolutely completely wet. Normally Alistair would have interrupted me by now.

I was hoping you guys would step in, but I managed to finish the sentence. And the rest writes itself, I say. And then they, They bought it in the pitch. And then they said, all right, well,

can you get a script to me in six months? And you said, you know, your representative, he steps in and says, absolutely. And then you're like, now you're sweating

and you're writing this thing for six months. You get notes back. Six months later, you're like, thank fuck, somebody who gives a shit. Somebody who bothered to go these guys.

They can reread this thing. Oh, my God. I could not break myself too. Yeah. Did I write that? Fuck it, hell. Yeah, good idea to cut that. I must have been a fucking asleep when I write that one.

Studio. Yeah, guy who's so excited about studio notes. Yeah. If I want to take every studio note, that's them doing your job for you. Man, that's... I wonder if... What a bludge.

they're getting, I wonder if they're getting AI to do the studio notes now, do you reckon? I mean, you know, even that bullshit where they're like, you know, apparently recruiters are putting, you know, putting CVs through AI, you go, you fucking idiots. Like, you just, you're getting nothing. It's like what, like, I don't know, it just feels like, like, what is the job? What is, that whole thing of like, we've given up.

We have given up. We're going to save time, but you're also going to miss the meat of what this whole thing is. Yeah. I mean, I think what it is, is that ultimately humanity is, is, yearns for the abyss. We yearn for the oblivion of not thinking, of not having to think. It's, it's a, it's a form of nirvana, I think, that we are seeking. It's a pretty much more than AI finally. Like, it's like because we're going to have like, it's like our brain will be free to just watch ads essentially.

Because we are now just cows, but the meat that we're just cattle and the meat that we produce is watching ads. Yeah. Right. Attention. Yeah. It's attention. But, I mean, they don't really need you. They don't need you to actually watch them.

They just need you to play them so that they can say that you watch them. Mm. Fucking hell. I mean, but still, still, at least 50% of the ads that I get served on YouTube are scams, right? Yeah. They're like, they're this fucking fake air conditioner. You've been getting this? Probably not because it's winter over there.

But you get ads for this thing that's like, this amazing device cools an entire house in seconds. It's the size of a lunchbox and costs nothing to run. invented by South Australian engineers at the University of Technology this bird of it and you're like well this is this is bullshit

this entire fucking thing is a scam it's how how is this funding half the entertainment on the internet yeah you know what is going on you know what's a great great ad that I've received

on a porn website where they're like ugly women are waiting for you Right There you go I could get I reckon I could probably get

at least one ugly woman You're right I'll click on that one I mean Maybe it's the only honest Ad or the internet

I mean Ever It's It's like Look We try Irving, where's the lie? We tried, you know, desperate milfs.

We tried, like, elderly women. We tried Ukrainian brides. Yeah, we've tried Ukrainian brides. We've tried, are you tired of masturbating by yourself? Masturbating possibly I want to do with somebody else. I promise you that. I am exhausted. Oh, wouldn't it be right if there was like a hot woman there to watch you masturbate?

I don't think so. And then they're like Ugly women in your area You know what? Oh wait, they're in my area How close are they? How? Is this like a work from home situation?

No commute. Yeah, am I going to have to drive Or are we talking like, you know? I think that's the thing is that those ads are great Because like for, I mean, it's a weird scam ad as well but also like I think in order for me to believe that any of that stuff is true

I think they are going to have to deliver like they are going to have to come to my house rather than like if they go and they deliver and they come to your place and then you go I mean I'm just going to like I'm not interested

but I want to just like order just to see if somebody even shows up I'm not interested but I am intrigued Yeah. I mean, but then, of course, you probably, if you did do it, and then you clicked on it, it'd probably be like two burly men that were to show up at your door, and they are probably armed. And then you, I guess you would just open you go, I guess, well, all my possessions are just through here. Feel free to take it. And if you could, if you have to break a leg, maybe the left one. I guess the true ugliness was society.

Yeah. Well, was the underbelly. was the, oh, maybe it was me. Yeah, it was me thinking that I could get something for free and without work. And take advantage of her woman's low self-esteem because which woman is going on to a website to register herself on in some sort of ugly women, horny ugly women. Yeah, who's the guy in Silicon Valley who's pitching? this app well now it's an app

for ugly women to get so that they can be connected with desperate guys who are masturbating on websites on porn websites

and they get they can get delivered straight to the door this is what I've discovered as I get a holder is that everybody is beautiful I genuinely

the longer it goes on the more I'm like every single person I see I mean across the spectrum of everything. I, in many ways, also feel this, Andy. And not just beautiful, but like,

horny level heart. Yeah. I am absolutely just fucking horny for everyone. Yeah. Old men on the train. Yes. You're gorgeous.

Yeah. I want absolutely everybody to get their body stuck in a washing machine and for them to want me to get them out, but beforehand I get to have a little crack. Yeah. I mean, if I was stuck in a washing machine, yeah. No, I've heard about this.

Okay, great. I just don't want it to seem like entirely my idea. No. You've had so many good ideas today. And for me to come here and say that every person in the world, I think, within the bounds of legality, should, you know, if they were stuck in a washing machine, I would want to have sex with them. I know that that's a bold thing to say. But in these days, in this day, the 8th of the 3rd, 2026, it feels like that's not as shocking of a thing to say. But outside of this context.

It's such a strange scenario. I mean, I've never had cause to actually get all the way in a washing machine, but even if I did, I just don't know how you'd get stuck. Yeah. I just, I mean, they're designed to have no sharp edges. If you could only squeeze in with one arm at a time, and then once you got an arm in, then you manage to squeeze your other arm in, and then those elbows, once they expand, right,

I think that there is ways in which you might be able to get trawl. I don't know. But, but I mean, but also presumably this person is, is up for it. You know, they're stuck in the washing machine and they're like, yeah, all right. Well, they would have to be up for it in order for it to be in any way. Yeah. Enjoyable. Yeah.

You know, unless there's a, there is a washing machine that's just built for getting stuck in. Mm. Mm. Mm. Or, which, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Westinghouse.

Get on it. Yeah. it's i mean you know a nice resting house i know that's not you know like oh it's a place where you can essentially be in a pretty comfortable position i'd probably want if i was the one stuck in the washing machine i would probably want knee pads you know or like one of those little like cushiony things that they have for kneeling when you're gardening exactly right exactly right and you know mothers used to say wear clean underwear in case you hit by a bus but I think these days they should be warning their children

wear knee pads in case you get stuck in a washing machine and you're extremely horny clean underwear there would also be really great I reckon yeah but I mean presumably you're doing the washing because you don't have any clean underwear oh yes you know all you're imagine you're trying to get it obviously you're so hung up on this idea

of clean underwear and so worried that your underwear won't be clean maybe that's why you squeezed yourself into this machine because one of your pairs of undies has gone missing and you're desperately searching for it. Oh, absolutely. And you also want to double check

that the machine that's doing the cleaning is itself clean. That's probably what it is. You're performing a deep clean on the machine. There's no point washing your underpants in a machine that is itself covered in skid marks. It is a fool's errand. That's right.

That's right. Even though it's like a work-from-home errand. isn't it? It is. Yes, it's it. The errand is being performed within the house. That's right. Maybe it was an errand during the pandemic.

Oh, well, maybe today I'll have to pop into the laundry to get a clean washing machine. It's an errand trying to think of a word. Or an errand you perform within the house. Immigration, emigration, you know? Ah, erind. Irond. Irond. That's...

Maybe it is. Maybe it doesn't. I don't know. Forget it. You were right, Alistair, you were right. Well, I'm trying to reference a flat of the concords thing. It's like, oh, he could be did. Like that.

And he's like, yeah, well, maybe he did. Maybe he didn't. March Barker trying to understand their accent. Maybe he's did. Maybe he's did. maybe he did what maybe he is dead maybe he did maybe

you know what I'm showing it to my to my child Otis and Otis is loving so far the first three episodes of Flight of the Concordes really that's great yeah

I would love to watch that with my it's yeah there's like you know you've got to be like there is references to there's some themes

to boning but like at some point he's like there is a business time a great line in the early episode, maybe the first episode where he's like, I think Brett says that Jermaine has been like, he's been talking about the possibility of being with women. And he's like, oh, no, the women that you say that you, you've been talking about are much

hotter than the ones that you've been with. He goes, yeah, I suppose I do talk about being with some pretty hot women. Yeah. I suppose I'll do it. All right, I think that we have so many sketch ideas, and I'm going to go over to three words from a listener. We didn't even... The listener needs to know that before the episode,

we'd already written down six sketch ideas before we even started recording. Yeah. Do you want to read one out? Well, they're mostly about Jesus. Yeah, well, that's right. It was just the idea. That, like, when Jesus washed out, washed people's feet,

that was actually just a little supposed to be a little taster that you like that? Well it would be terrible if that were to come all the way up to your head. That's a little taste of the flood. He's just basically threatening people. Plenty more where that came from.

Many more. Watch yourself. A little foot flood. It's actually a little threat, wasn't it? We think it's a cleaning the foot but he goes, remember that? Remember the flood? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I can stop being such a poor person yeah

stop being such a leper well there's more where that came from slut oh maybe Jesus is calling the leperous sluts I don't know um slats for losing body parts

um man I I almost don't believe in leprosy and I don't you know obviously I do believe in it but it's one of those things you hear about when you're a kid and then you're like, well, the world is fucked and that's crazy and that body parts can be all. Yeah, oh man, horrifying.

But as a little kid, did you think that it was somehow associated with leopards? Because I did. As a kid, I thought it must be connected to leopards somehow. And I never re-examined that thought until I was quite a lot older. Like it was just something, one of the assumptions. Yeah. I don't think I thought that, but anyway. Andy, I'm going to start thinking it now.

Great. You're a late in life. Leopard. Leopardy dude. Leopard. Thinker. Well, I mean, I am having to reevaluate my thinking a lot. Oh, that's not.

I can't go into this. We've got to get into three words from A listener, Andy. And today's listener is a stew mac, the macaroni prince himself. Find them on Twitter. Jim Mack. Recently celebrated... He's celebrated 1,000th stream. He's Dublin.

He's Dublin. The number of the podcast, what's doing? He's always just trying to be... He's Dublin from Dublin. Is he in Dublin? No, I think he's from North... From North Ireland. Ah, damn.

What's that one they got there? What's that... Belfast? I think he could be a Belfastian. But you know what? Ireland loves a small town. I wouldn't be surprised if it's from a small town. And just on the outskirts.

Let's not docks him. Of another. Yeah, let's say everything that we know about Stu Mack and all his aliases and where you can find him and where you could find his family. All right. Now, Stuart MacMacon.

He's told me that I'm not saying that. Right. says in his message three new words as it's been five whole months so and then he lists the words okay do you want to try to guess what the first one is or the second or the third yes I do and the first what will you be starting with oh you said the first okay pronumeral pro numeral oh what is it pro numeral pro numeral pro numeral

yeah okay and that's okay I I I'm gonna let me just double check

okay no the first word is missing okay here we go missing persons close Sandy

this is as close as you you could get child a type of person oh a type of person famously one of the type of types.

Yeah. One of the variety. Missing child. Now, the first place my brain goes is like milk, you know? Yeah, of course. Which we've never done in Australia. We never even tried it. Not one?

Like, I don't think so. I've never seen it. Yeah. Why are they not missing children on the milk? Maybe people don't want to drink milk with a missing child on it. I guess that is confronting, isn't it? Is that really what they do in America? Yeah, I don't know.

Probably, to be honest, I would probably buy a milk that didn't have a missing kid on it. Yeah, I'd probably, you'd just get out of Google Ads these days. Yeah. Do it. And you'd target it to people who are really interested in missing children or finding children. Impersonator, the last word is impersonator. Oh, missing child impersonator. That's a really great thing.

You know how sometimes people show up and pretend to be your lost child? That's true, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be really funny if it was a really old guy. That's who Banksy is, an actual lost child. I think we should do a sketch where somebody's young child has gone missing. And like a quite old man shows up and claims to be him all growing up. And the family takes him in, right?

they, you know, and they treat him like their child and they send him off to school and stuff. And they just accept him into their lives. But then the child actually does return. Yeah. And either the family rejects him and says that's not him because the old man's already there. Or they just sort of keep the old man around as well. And I guess they're just like, oh, I guess there's two of you now. Yeah, I think you're both my missing child.

Yeah. And it's actually really beautiful, you know? Yeah. And I love beauty, so this is perfect for me. You do. And you see it everywhere. Especially in things caught in wind. Comes back.

Okay, wait. Okay, do you want to hear the last word? Yeah. I mean, we've bloody got to sketch out. are at before the third words. The third word is post it. Post it. It's like a poster.

I guess that is, I mean, I guess that is sort of what our idea adequately, you know, touches upon. Yes. I mean, it could, I mean,

it is one word like a post it. It could be post it. You know, like the movie. Like, yeah, post it. How did, we're living in a post-it world. Disappearing children's change after the clowns.

I mean, wouldn't, oh, I was thinking of the thing. I was assuming it's the thing when you said it. Yeah, you mean, I do get those movies confused in my mind and there is a kind of a shape-shifting element to both of them.

But imagine if we were, it was the thing, right? It's the thing universe and there's this hideous shape-shifting thing that devours people and consumes their souls in some way. If you had lost a kid, but you could get another thing, and

it would come and it would sort of look like your kid and sort of fill that place in your heart. I mean, it is a ravenous alien. Yeah. And it is devouring people, but you still love it, and you miss your kids. I mean, it's very tragic. Very tragic.

I think, I mean, it would be cool, maybe if you could get one of those of the things. Like, you know, you're a company who provides the things. and you can show it a photo or they can show it a photo and make it look like the kid and then they put it in a sort of perspex box that can live in one of the rooms

of your house and then you can have your kid there but it can't get out and sort of eat your family don't let it out but then you still get to hang out with your kid and you can bring your family over and you can still have birthdays for it. And it's kind of nice and kind of terrifying, of course.

But it does feel, I mean, it's the same way. It's the same thing as like the chat GPT thing. It's like where people are like, oh, well, we don't, you know, like I think it's weird that people might form relationships with it, but it does still fill a hole that some people have in, you know, they're an emotional hole where they're like, well, nobody's being this emotionally nice to me. Yeah. Well, if you don't want me to fall in love with chat GPT, then you feel my emotional hole, you know?

Exactly. You feel more. Yeah. The thing company that makes you are lost kid. But I also do think that going out, if your kid is lost, going out and putting it like just straight up, this is a funny. idea going out and writing lost kid on post-it notes and sticking them to letter boxes and power poles is very funny you know like I mean you know like those guys that are like we oh like like just writing lost kid by itself yeah yeah yeah you know

those you know those guys like that those handwritten signs that are like we buy houses yeah what about that handwritten song we find lost kids or we adopt lost kids or we adopt lost kids, we'll take them. We adopt a kids. We'll take them. Got a kid? We'll take it off your hands. 3M, the makers of posting notes, should produce an outdoor grade post-it.

They should produce one that is up to the challenge of producing a, of sticking to a power pole outside and lasting in the weather for a long time. That would be good. For the duration of the search for an extremely thoroughly lost kid. Like, they're gone for years, and the Post-it is still hanging on out there. But then you can still peel it off. You can just go up and peel it off as you find the kid. That's the great thing about it, about that 3M Post-it-note technology. I mean, we pie cash for these adopted kids.

Yes. I mean, I think as a nice little public prank, I think that would be a great thing to, to put out with a phone number or like a... It's a nice little public prank. It's a nice public prank. Cash. Cash paid.

Kids wanted cash paid. Cash paid in 24 hours. Mm. Mm. Mm. I mean, you immediately get on the radar of all the conspiracy theorists in the world. and as a joke you want to do it but then suddenly like everybody just assumes

you're a pedophile straight away yeah that's the only trouble with this gag but it is funny it is funny yep and if I wanted people to assume that I'll become a British TV host

you know that's right I did see a good joke that it was like something like it seems like torpedoes are the only petos that the American government is willing to fire. It's incredible. It's an incredible piece of work. Yeah, at this time.

That is one of the most satirical puns that... Yeah, that I've seen reposted. I mean, this is the pun that could bring down a government. Yeah. If ever it's going to happen. The pun that shook the world. Andy, do you think we should wrap this up? I believe so.

Stu, thank you for the words, listeners. I'm going to read through the rest. We should create a pun-un-un-united nations called the P-U-N. And we try and affect world affairs by judicious application of wordplay. Andy, that's a genuinely great Instagram account. Try to bring down governments. But it's like the opposite of like the... We try to bring down governments instead of sort of stabilars geopolitics.

Yeah, that's right. That's our role. I'll read us through the sketch ideas. Andy, you have been like essentially pumping out sketch ideas in single sentences this whole episode. And I want you to know that it didn't go unnoticed. Oh, thanks, hell The speed of wet experiment We've got

What's New Pussy Cat And the response Whoa, whoa, whoa Which comes after asking a cat What's up And it uses a slur Or something that says It gives you too much information

We've got the spit valve Suxphonist Honking out The spit valve of my heart we got the killing an old man to help him now is it done what what the fuck you can tell it done how is it done yeah what would you choose

and you can tell that that's an owl idea it doesn't didn't come out clean that one we've got the Rothschild CPR billions we got getting sued by the BeeGs for using the song their song without permission during CPR. We got an exhibit A in court, and it's Exhibit the rapper. We got Saturday night fever and Sunday night bed rest.

We got fraud and all, it's so much right. We got a guy who's so happy to get studio notes because he doesn't have any ideas left. We got the true ugliness is wanting to have women, ugly women come to your door via an app. That's a lesson this guy discovers. Sometimes I'm just writing down morals of stories. We got the old man.

The real ugliness was inside your heart. Yeah. We got old man who pretends to be a missing child, and then the child comes back, and then the family keeps both children. We got the thing company that makes your lost child. I mean, that's already something so cool, and then it gets out, obviously,

and it terrorizes the whole. town, maybe starts eating neighbors and shit like that, but then maybe probably eat somebody and then you find out that it was the guy who'd kidnapped the kid and you find the actual missing child in the basement, maybe. And so in the end, it was worthwhile. Worthwild as well, Andy. I want you to know that that's exactly what I meant. We adopt kids' handwritten sign on electrical poles. Yeah And we've got the

Pun United Nations The P-U-N Beautiful stuff Beautiful stuff And I didn't even write the pre-episode ideas Because that was on pod Andy And sometimes I make Exceptions for those exceptions that I make

And I don't write the mom That's the exception to the exception That proves the rule Yes, that proves the exception to the rule Mm-hmm All right And Hello, I mean, good by and thank you so much for listening to in the think tank.

Thank you. Also, thank you to those for doing that. Who've contacted us about, you know, still getting hats. We know we're pushing the hats a bit more, but we do have a fair few hats in our house. And Andy's been throwing away stuff so that he can move to a new place. I will get you the detail. of where Andy lives soon so that I can fully docks him

but yeah in the meantime he's trying to get rid of stuff in his house so that he can move house again and he's still got all these hats so buy hats I wonder if you could just They're weighing heavy on my head heavy lies the head that has too many hats yes you're lying down wearing a hat

many hats yeah what's the most number of hats you've ever worn laying down. Let us know. Let us know. Send us a message. Tell us how many hats you've...

Call in. The text line is open. We'll be playing three hits from the same artist in a row. If you text in, you'll win a Ford Mondaio. And don't forget to let us know what's the most hats you've ever worn while lying down. Oh, lying down. Thanks, everybody. And we love...

Love. You. We do. Cheers, your little buggers. Cheers, cheers, you little buggers. That's also what I say to my children.

That's how I tell them. Oh my God, well, that's great. And we got it, we got to, it was a new slogan. We love you.

Cheers, your little buggers. Oh, finally we've got a nickname for the people who listen to the podcast, which, by the way,

I find it very arrogant when podcasts have a nickname for people who listen to the podcasts. Um, But now I feel we've earned one. Episode 500 and what, fucking 16.

The Little Buggers. Yeah. Oh yeah, I am. Okay, bye.