Two In The Think Tank - 519 - "YULE PLANET"

Episode Date: March 30, 2026

Good God, God on Heat, Secret Second Wife Puzzle, Sister Dating Puzzle Master, WereSanta, Off Street - Into Cabinet, Yule Planet, Dumbentia, Squirrel Mouth Attack, Long Arm Sonya, Gangam Psy OpYou can now purchase A Listener hats by emailing [e-mail] up on the 500th episode hereCheck out the sketch spreadsheet by Will Runt hereAnd visit the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here(Oh, and we love you) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Click a little. Tell it to a poet so he can write it in his book. He can make you look real good. Or he makes you look real good. That's the story of poetry. Hello and welcome to two in the think tech. The show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy.

And I'm downstairs. I'm a virtual George William. You best believe. You best fucking believe. You better be leaving. You better be leaving. That's... Compulsive liar.

Yeah. No, you go. You say yours. Mine was almost nothing, but it was playing on the You Better Be Leaving And it's hard to get The full overlap But to believe in and be leaving

I leave Wait, I believe and then I believe Wait, I believe and then I leave This is a guy who believes and then he leaves. Yeah. Yeah, great, we got it. Yeah, I'll write it down.

No, he, I guess he sort of gets into short-term relationships with a lot of different deities, maybe. Dayitties. He just loves deities. Okay, yeah, yeah. And then... And that's like me saying it, a bit like dem titties. Oh, yeah. You know what I was hearing?

Because you're saying, like, we were saying he believes and then he leaves. It's like he's doing a deity trip. Oh, yes. You know, just gets there. Sees the deity. He's like, all right, I've got my fix. I'm out of here. Sees the deity.

Sees the deity. Yeah. Sees the deity. That does sound like a fun thing where somebody goes, you know, like, rather than like one of those guys who goes and steals fire from the gods. What if he goes and actually steals a god? Imagine that's still a full god I wonder if God God's are good at long range combat

You know throwing lightning bolts Yeah And I think if you got a god into a Malay Is that how that's pronounced Malay Yeah Malay Kind to hand combat Get inside Get in close

Yeah I reckon you could subdue him Yeah maybe maybe like Like pulling on his clothes You know I feel like his clothes would be magic His robes, get him all tangled up. But he probably doesn't control the clothes themselves.

So if you can... Interesting. Yeah, tangle him up in his own clothes and then just carry him away. You never see God fly. No, you don't. Yeah. Is he flying in that thing with Adam? Oh, I think he's on a cloud.

Or is he riding a cloud? I think he's just neutrally buoyant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now, we know God is omnipotent. We know he's omnipresent. We know he's omnicognizant.

But can he fly and can he turn invisible? Yeah. It's a really good quesie. Can he burp the alphabet? We don't know. I mean, some might say that's included in all-powerful, omnipotent. But I don't know. I don't know.

I think... Well, he might not have a regular body. Yeah. Has he got the same? Because, you know, let's say his body is better than ours. Maybe you wouldn't be able to push air through your mouth down into your windpipe. You know, like maybe that would have, you know, by having a better body, a more godly body, they would have, within that process, fix the part where you can pump air into your own, like,

oh, no, no, it's not, it's in your food pipe. You pump the air into your food pipe and that's what allows you to burp. Yeah. that is sort of using yourself like a bagpipe isn't it yeah yeah like using the oh the bit pot the bit pot yeah using the body as an as an instrument i've never heard somebody burp a song and an instrument do they like do they ever go like yes i can't do it it's too disgusting i was trying to like get you know i was trying to do happy birthday but the first one was so off tone to what I was trying to hit anyway. I was like, oh, I'll try one more,

see if I can get it onto the second note. And it was not. It's a very interesting question, isn't it? Because like, we say God is omnipotent. But I bet there are some things that he cannot do. And it's by virtue of the fact that he is a God, like, and supposedly all good, right? Like, he probably couldn't perp the alphabet. He probably couldn't put a remote control up his butt. You know, there are actually limits to his power because I think there are limits to his, um, his, he's thinking, you know. Yeah. And also like, you know, if he, like as his, you know, as his followers claim that the butt is just an exit hole or whatever, I'm not sure. You know, and so maybe it's because in his butt, it actually is only an exit hole. and then he has to pass down a message of the things that like physically we can't keep up with.

He's like, I made you in my image, but obviously there's the limits to the quality of your body compared to mine. And so if you had the better model, the God model, that would be just an exit hole. But in your model, obviously when you do mass production like I did with you guys. And I leave a lot of the construction to you, you know, it's assembled in the womb of the woman and she's probably to blame if you got a defective

butthole. Yeah. An ungodly butthole. And so that's why he writes down the things. He's like, actually my hands are not able to kill. That's why I say that we should, thou should not kill. He moves very smooth like a sloth. Like a Tai Chi master. Yes.

I think God probably would be hairless as well. Completely. Because I just don't think that he would have a need to hold on to stink. You know what I mean? Like they say that the hair in the armpits are for. Or that, you know, like, if armpit hair is there to, like, reduce friction and stuff like that from skin to skin friction, I just don't think that he's, if he's a single being and he's not a social being, and he's not a social being. he doesn't have a need for like smell and pheromones and sweat.

Well, maybe he is like a dog and he only goes on heat at certain times. Yeah. And if that is the case, we're going to be in for a really interesting ride, I reckon when God is rutting when he is, when he's, you know, his millennia rolls around or whatever. And suddenly he's really putting on a show. And he comes, and he starts to have... And then he comes and he's like doing all these...

He arrives on land. He's like a hundred feet tall. And he's doing all these dancing. He's running around. Yeah, he's doing all these dances and he's just like gyrating and stuff like that. And then he starts humping the ground. Yes. And you realize the earth is his wife or whatever.

And then he's like... And he implants a new species into the ground. Wow. Just by, like, humping it. I worry that he'd be more like a sort of spread his, if he's implanting a species, he might be more like spreading spores. Sure.

Or like spraying something into the atmosphere. What do you think that thing would be? Like a fern. Oh, he spraying a fern into the atmosphere? No, no, he is like a fern. Oh, he's like a fern. I guess the thing is, jeez. For some reason I didn't want to say it.

You didn't want to say jizz, yeah. I get it. You're a religious guy. You made me say it. But, I mean, yeah. I mean, I like that. I like, yeah. He might also try and attract a god from a different planet, you know.

Like, he might be trying to get the attention. Like, maybe we come close to another habited world, and he tries to, like, lure over one of their female gods. And, I mean, maybe he does just leave that, trace elements that are there, the building blocks for life. And that's why when we found that asteroid recently, or they found that asteroid recently, and they were like, it has every element that we think is required

for the building blocks of life, all the amino acids. It's got a 7-Eleven. Yeah. It's got a... And you just know that God at various times throughout infinite history has gone to every floating, spatial sort of body. and he has sprayed his spray. He believed and then he believed.

Yeah. You better be even. Yeah, I was trying to tie it back to that thing we said before. That was really great because that's what he does. He feels shame after he comes and then he leaves that planet. He feels shame after every time he creates a life. Yeah. That's why we feel abandoned by God because he has left us.

But it's not fun. It's not our fault. It's just post-coital, you know, regret. Regret and, you know, sort of like the truth of it all, that he's actually a lonely fella having sex with the planets. Yes. I mean, that would be embarrassing. Yeah.

That would be. Yeah. I mean, also, I think being God itself would be embarrassing, just being like, oh, I'm going to create a universe, so I'm not, so there's just not nothing. I can't handle all this nothing. Yeah. I mean, if he did, if he did have that sort of classic,

um, artist's temperament of like, he was doing the artist's way and he was doing the artist's way. He was going through the book, sort of taking himself on an, Art date. Doing the pages. Doing the morning pages, yeah. They need to make one of those artists' way books, and they probably have, and it probably is this, but they need to make one for when you're a parent, and do you feel creative maybe

once every three years? Yeah. I mean, although you are being creative almost every day, right you? I keep realizing and re-remembering that that being creative. is what parenting is all about and I and that indeed that being creative is the thing that distinguishes from us from the beasts the common beasts of the field that's right and that you do and and and and like that's big creativity is what is required in order to function in human society everything is is creative is finding new

lies to tell your friends about why you can't see them. You know, that kind of stuff. I mean, you've been so lucky to have so many children that you could probably get out of almost anything. By saying, oh, this one's got a cold or this one's got a, you know, a limp now. We're not sure why he's limping. But the ultimate irony is that the excuses don't work on the children. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know.

If only I could use that. that to get out of pairing. I guess that's what having a secret. That's why people have a secret second family. To get out of parenting their first family. Yeah. Yeah, that's a really good thing. It's a way out.

It's an escape clause. I wonder if there's a situation in which somebody would pretend to have a secret second family so that they could do something else like go to work or whatever, go and work. I was so ashamed of having a sales job. I just tell them I have a second secret family I mean that would be great yeah

what do you do you hire a family I suppose some children who look a bit like you do some auditions you find a pretend a wife I mean I'm on star now

yeah do you think it would be fun to arrange to be caught out as a puzzle for your wife Do you think that would be a fun kind of thing to leave evidence of a second secret family so that they can work it out but once they do work it out and they call the number or whatever

you know like they have to go and track down a number you've set up a website and things like that they call the number and it's like hello wife it seems like you've come to the end of our puzzle I hope you've enjoyed it just so you know I don't have a second one

life. Tadda! That must be a relief. Now, you might be wondering why I would choose this kind of puzzle. Well, remember when I bought that puzzle book? You see, you didn't want to do it with me, and I found it disappointing, because I know that you are so good at problem solving. And here's the proof. And that's what drove me into the arms of my second wife. Not really. But I guess I did get obsessed with this fake second wife and creating her so that you could find her. But really deep. I will ask if I'd love you more than anything. I want to go back to our normal world.

I ask only now that you refer to me as the puzzle master. I think a... a girl in your social group, maybe your sister, who started dating a man called the puzzle master, would also be a good sketch. He shows up to dinner. He's like now, just warning you,

it's a classic SNL sketch. Just warning you before he gets here, Tom is a puzzle master. A what? He's a puzzle master. You have to call him the puzzle master. and he'll be doing a lot of puzzles. Okay, here he is.

And then you're straight into a classic S&L sketch. Yeah. Hi, I'm Eric. I am. Didn't she say your name was Tom? You just sold my first puzzle. Congratulations. Okay.

Yes, hello, and I am A, glad to see you. B, disgusted by your appearance, or C. Indifference. A, congratulations. Congratulations. You are correct. Or are you? I brought you a bottle of wine.

I brought you a bottle of wine. But first, you must discover how to open it. Good. Screw. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. I hardly gave you any hits that time.

Clever girl. Clever girl. Clever girl. Is the way that he said clever girl to that velociraptor in Jurassic Park? Yeah. Is that sexist? Is that... Do you think O is condescending?

To the woman Raptor? Would you have said that if it was a male Velociraptor? Or would you have just assumed that he knows how to open doors with his claws? Yeah.

Oh yeah, that's a good question. Look, I want you to know that I'm equally as condescending with, you know, like I am condescending to my children, even though neither of them are women. And I say, well done to things that, you know, that I wouldn't say, say to an adult.

And that's good. That's healthy. Yeah. I'm trying to remember in that, in that Jurassic Park, what kind of door knob did they have on the door? Was it like your classic round door knobs? No, no, you see, that's the thing is that they made it almost perfect for, for, like, animals to learn how to open. because it's not like, yeah, they are very much just like you put weight down on it and it turns and then it will open, right? It's not a knob. It's like a, it's like a length, you know, like a, you know, you know, the length ones?

Yeah, yeah, no, I know the length ones. It's like a handle, you know, it's like a long handle. And isn't it interesting that they're mandating those in all commercial buildings, those kinds of door? are they? And I think so. And I think it's so that, firstly, I think it's more easier for access for people with arthritis. And it's also, in the event of a fire, being able to just put weight on it. Yeah.

If you might have a burn injury or something, it allows you to open the door much more easily. Yeah, you can probably rest your buttock upon it. And you can open it with your butt, and my butt opens a lot of doors. Metaphorically speaking. and and that is and we're making building a world for velociraptors but i will say this doors are supposed to open outwards in paths of egress right yeah and that door if it had been constructed in a fire safe way where it opened outwards would have been harder for the velociraptor to enter that's true yeah yeah that was yeah the whole thing was designed to

essentially, accidentally, I'm sure, to be very penetratable by pretty dumb animals. I wonder if you, you know, when you are building a world for dinosaurs, which is essentially what they were doing in Jurassic Park, some of that thinking must subconsciously seep into your design of the other spaces. You're trying to get that flow for the humans as well, you know, like, oh, it'll make it easier for them to just move. forward through this door. With their claws. Yeah.

You know, they probably hired the same people to make the habitats. Now, you know the Santa Claus movie. Yes, and I've been resisting mentioning it for the last 10 minutes for some reason. Why are we? I know we bring it up in every second episode. Like, but are you thinking of a version of it where it's, he accidentally kills Santa, but then he becomes like a beast Santa. With the actual claws.

Yeah, with claws, C-L-A-W-S. Mm-hmm. Well, I know that there is a, there was a, one of the, around the twist stories. A werewolf Santa. It was about Santa Claus, C-L-A-W-S. Yeah.

But I mean, imagine that, imagine that, though. Santa, Christmas falls on a, on a full moon. Santa's on a roof Meanwhile there's a werewolf bouncing from house to house at the same time Bites Santa

Yes Where's Santa Where's Santa? Is that you just asked? Yeah he's a where I immediately forgot what we were talking about Where's San? He's on the roof getting bitten by a

Werewolf Jesus Christ Come on Andy, Try to fall on Yeah, I mean, it does feel very werewolf-like, right? And I'm sure they were doing references to that in the Santa Claus movie, like the way hair grows on his body and that's the thing. Like, I think they probably were riffing off the, the werewolf type transformation.

Well, let's give them what they want, Andy. You know what they really want. Because imagine that. And then he's going from house to house. He's got some of Santa's powers. He can get down chimneys. But right now he's a werewolf. Yeah, I mean, isn't that the worst?

That's just like the ultimate. That's like when diseases recombine in a new way, right? Viruses. And suddenly, like you've got the, I don't know, T-cell fighting technology of hepatitis combined with the virulent postules of, another thing. Soriasis? Sure.

Yeah. But, I mean, this is our, this is our worst-case scenario. This is pretty much, this is exactly what we were hoping what wouldn't happen.

Santa has been bitten by a werewolf. Been by a were-wool. On Christmas Eve while he's going from the house now. So he still has, you know, deep inside his brain, the knowledge of how to travel across the whole world in one night.

In one night. Oh my God. What would be his like R factor? Is that what they call it? The one where you're like, you're measuring how quickly the virus reproduces. Sorry to bringing up so much disease terminology that I don't know how to deploy. Yeah,

but it's good. It would be a really high. I mean, I'm not sure, is he turning, oh, he could be turning everybody into werewolves, not just eating them,

right? I forget about that. I think so. Or wear Santas. Yeah. But like, like that is, That is absolutely, and I hope that the CDC is preparing for this.

I know, I know, I know that, I know that the CDC has had its funding cut. I know, I know, RFK Jr. has very different priorities. Yeah. But surely we could, he would be, he would be as worried about this as we are. I mean, probably a lot more. This is a, this is a doomsday scenario. Yeah. And what was the thing recently that they just found in his email that he cut the dick off a dead raccoon or something? Oh God. I didn't see that. But who is, who is, somebody is running searches on his emails and trying to be like, you know, search for each, every animal in the, uh, the, the, the big book of

of animals that going through one by one. Oh, this was from his diary. JFR.

R. F. Jr. cut off raccoon's penis while kids waited in the car

he wrote in diary. I mean, I mean, just like he's not sort of a normal guy,

is he? No, he's really not a normal guy. He's not had it's, I mean.

Imagine what it's like his hang time is like you go, oh, come with, Come with me. Come with me.

Wait, I can smell death. Follow me. What's my knife? Where's my car? Yeah, get my hunting knife. That's good. I mean, if it's a, again, like, it's such, these guys are such a loss to comedy, right? Once they, him and Trump, like, once they get into this position of power,

and they're inside the machine and they're just ruining the whole world. It does stop being funny. But like, oh God, I wish that they weren't. Like, if they were just like normal fucking psychos in the world. God, and we knew all that we know about them, right? Yeah. But it didn't have the terrible consequences. God.

Why can't we just have normal psychos like we had back in the day? Yes. You know, what happened to psychos where it was just a guy yelling at the bus stop? Where are they? They've all been given positions of power in Trump's cabinet. Is it just me? But ever since Trump staffed his new cabinet, I haven't seen a single insane person yelling at a bus stop.

Now, it could be a coincidence. Yeah. But the guy who's normally at my bus stop, who's screaming at the top of his lungs, I haven't seen him since. Screaming with his fingers in his bone butthole. Pulling his cheeks apart. It's very exciting. Oh.

I'm just going to write that down. The devil's lasagna. They should make a lasagna in a lot. roll. Lazzania roll. Lazzania roll. Explain to me what you mean. Think about those logs, right?

What's that log where you're like, it's a rolled up bit of sponge cake? Yeah. You know, like a yule... A yule log? I don't think that's a yule log. I think a yule log is an actual log. A yule log. Right?

That you put on them. Well, it's a rolled up piece of sponge cake with cream inside, but then you make the outside chocolatey and then you put lines on it so it looks like a tree. Right. Well, that's very good, Alistair, and that is a lot like what I'm describing. I wasn't picturing it as a tree. No, it wasn't picturing it as a tree. We don't do that over here.

That's your cultural thing. You mean a Swiss roll? A Swiss roll is what I mean. Yes. Why don't they do that with lasagna? Okay, like a single sheet. I actually think that would be a better idea than both a Swiss roll and better than a regular lasagna. I mean, imagine if you could eat a lasagna like a...

Well, it's Italian sushi. Italian sushi, finally. Everybody needs a sushi. Actually, they've already got that with canaloney, haven't they? I guess that's probably what they're doing with canolet. That one's, I think that's like, I feel like that's different for some reason. because I don't think it's rolled, it's stuffed, you know? I've never had a good canaloni.

My mom had made someone when I was young and they were really good, but it looked like so much work. Because like stuffing them with like, you know, ricotta and spinach and stuff like that and then having like a nice sauce and cheese melted over the top or whatever it is. You know, it's a fair chunk of work. And you got to like, when you buy them, you got to make sure all the tubes are not broken. Yeah, especially when you consider that like just making normal pasta by itself is so fucking easy. And good and just as good and probably better.

You're like, why are you going to all this insane effort to make this worse version of the food? Yeah, wait, are you talking about which one are you saying is worse? The pre-bought stuff or the stuff you make at home? Oh, she actually, did she make the pastor itself? No, no, no, she didn't make the pasta, but she was buying. But I can't, I was just, I couldn't follow what you were saying. It doesn't matter, Alistair. All you need to know is that it was good.

It was valid. Which thing was good? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Okay. I was, if I explain it to you and if I give you any more detail, you're going to disagree with me, and you're going to have reasons why I'm wrong. Why should I do the work to explain what I'm saying to you when you'll just use that information against me to make, you know, points, you know, about what I've said my piece.

Yeah, that's okay. I think, Andy, I think the point that you're making here makes a lot of sense and you're 100% correct. I would do all those things. Thank you. Thank you. I could sense it. I knew I was out on a limb. Yeah.

sort of like a like a yule log yes a still attached yule log which is really just a yule branch

on a on a yule trunk yeah in a thriving yule forest yeah on a piece of yule land

on a on a yule planet in a yule universe beautifully done scientists have are using the jays web telescope have discovered a yule planet

I don't know what yule means has it just been Christmas everything is I don't know everything is made of rolled up sponge with cream Christmas and the period around it with its festivities a whole Christmas

it's a planet that actually stopped orbiting its star and just froze on Christmas Day. Oh, wow. I don't know what's holding it back from us. By analyzing particles in the atmosphere and the way light refracts through it, they've determined with 99% certainty

that it is always Christmas there and everything is over time. Everything's been converted to be made. There's so much Christmas cheer in the atmosphere. that have rolled up space. What is that? Oh, imagine that. Yeah.

We can hear the jingling of bells. Yeah. Across the vacuum of space. Ting jing jingling. For a vacuum of space, there is a lot of dust out there, isn't there? Mm. Yeah. The whole thing is a vacuum.

Yeah. I guess it's in the vacuum. Maybe that makes sense. Yeah. Inside a vacuum is one of the dustiest places. It's crazy that we're like, Like this is a vacuum and then that's the only place where there's like things in it. That's where everything is.

Yeah, they're like, yeah, what's a vacuum? Oh, it's a thing where there's nothing in it. And they go, well, what's this? Well, it's a vacuum of space. It's that thing where everything is. I won't fucking make up your mind night. Is it a vacuum? Also, there's no such thing as a vacuum.

And inside a vacuum, things are constantly being created. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah, Popper getting out of existence Sounds like you don't know what a vacuum is I'll show you a vacuum Here you go, look, it's me, Dawson, what's in my fuck there?

I think it should be pronounced vacuum Because that's how we pronounce continuum Oh yeah, vacuumum That is good And then, you know, what do you do to the floors? You're vacuuming That's much better, yeah, yeah It'd be fun to say

Oh, I like that maybe you could release your brand but name it like that but make it so that it's spelled out in a way so that people can get that vacuum dash or no vacuum space apostrophe em vacuum um that's it sucks that would suck so bad i would never buy that product oh it would fail from the door you'd never get alone to get started um you know what i was thinking as a great alternative to the expression. I can't let it pass the fact that you said that sucks.

Okay. When we were talking about vacuums. I don't think it's funny. I don't think it's a good thing to point out. What do you think? I wouldn't do a pun on it. Yeah. But I wonder if a listener listening would be thinking, you know,

why did that go on addressed? Yeah, why'd that go on addressed? And I just want to acknowledge it. And then they'd send us a message saying, when you were talking about vacuums, you said that it sucked. And I go, oh, yeah. Sorry about that, everybody. I did leave that out there

and I'm I don't you know I think my dementia is progressing so far that I I don't even have the awareness of stuff like that anymore Yeah Can you just get more stupid

Without dementia? Yeah I mean Are you allowed to do that? I think it's just happening yeah Like you become basically a vegetable Yeah Basically unable to care for yourself And that sort of thing

You don't have dementia You've just got more stupid Yeah You've just talked so much shit and you've like worn down your brain's ability to engage meaningfully with reality by talking shit. Yeah. Being shit.

Being shit. Being shit. Watching shit. Watching shit. Eating shit. You go to a doctor and they say, nah, this is not dementia. We've done all the scans. He's just.

But come, you're stupid. You're eating shit. No, you're just getting dumber. Do I have dementia? No, I think you are, but you are getting dumber. Yeah. What is it? You go, yeah, it's because you're eating shit.

It's because you're being shit. You're watching shit. You are shit. You're not improving. You're polluting your mind. that sounds like a political judgment saying you're polluting your mind but it's not

it's not it's not a value of judgment either I'm not saying it's worse to be shit sure yeah I mean squirrels look like they've got a pretty good and they look like they're you know they're not that smart but I think their life seems pretty good except for in the winter I don't know how they're fucking surviving

where are they just huddling together and then I don't know where they're going like that. What would a, like just a, I mean, they bury, they bury their nuts,

right? They bury nuts for the winter. But where do they, where do they bury themselves? I want to know, where do they go? Most of the winter here, like,

because, you know, there's a lot in our yard most of the time, but I, you know, and so you can see tracks when they will jump through the snow. And there's big periods

where they're not coming out at all. And so are they just huddling for months? Do they go into hibernation, maybe? Or some kind of like, are they, for me there aren't i mean look i don't live in a squirrel habitat world yeah i there aren't there aren't enough hollows in trees to accommodate no all these creatures i think there's someone

do you have more tree hollows over there there's i definitely do see a few more tree hollows but i think that they're just going into the cedar bush and they're collecting some stuff and then they're just kind of like because i think that's helps them protect from the wind and they must just you know like a cedar bush what does that mean? You know like a cedar bush a cedar bush I can say those words over and over again

but it's a type of bush that's kind of used to separate you know properties a lot of the time cedar bush right okay and it's like a dense like a hedge yeah

yeah like a hedgy kind of thing and so I'm assuming that they're in there mostly right and then maybe they're gathering up some leaves and sort of making a little nest or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, I just want to see inside the nest, and I want to be able to watch it at all times. And I want to be able to get in there.

Yeah, and I want to be, you want to be able to cuddle with them. I wish they would just accept us. Into there, we've applied, I've applied for asylum in the squirrel, the kingdom of the squirrels. Yeah. And I have diplomatic immunity.

I think to be a guy who controls the squirrels, you know, like who walks around, sort of like the pigeon lady in Home Alone, and to walk around and have squirrels on your arms and shoulders and stuff like that, and you walk around with your body kind of in a T shape with your arms extended out. And then they're running up and down your trunk there, like, you know, in that sort of circular fashion. and then you go, yeah, I don't know, you could, you can sort of beckon them to attack.

I think that would be, yeah, yeah. I think that would be really cool. No, I mean, that's really good. Like, and, you know, what would be great would be, like, getting them to, like, bury a body for you. You know, if you had enough of them, yeah. They could bury a body like they bury nuts,

and they just, like, rammed his little corpse down into a hole in the ground. I assume if I had, if I had that many squirrels doing my big, bidding I probably would start to kill, I assume. I guess the power of that would go to my head immediately. Yeah. I guess I probably can't be trusted without dream. I don't know why I assumed you were killing people. But, oh, I mean, that would be a great way to kill.

Wouldn't it be like if they took a little acorn, shoved it down somebody's windpipe? Yeah. I mean, they tamp it down. Oh, man, imagine that. This is their, they were born for this. But imagine that, just like, just squirrels. Like, let's say there's, you see, there's five squirrels. And something happens, and they immediately are trying to get into your mouth.

Oh, really upsetting. Yeah, like, because I think about, like, at first you'd just bat one away, but then there's others still climbing up. And then you're like, blah, la, like, and you're so freaking out, but they're, like, running around your body. They're perfectly made for gripping onto your body. And then you'd probably- This is a great-

movie because we had obviously and we've talked about it on the podcast before we've had a quiet place right we've had uh we've had what's the other one bird box this is a new movie called keep your mouth shut right and all animals that are smaller than a brick in the world suddenly start trying to get into our mouths yeah right something happening lights everything smaller than a brick sky there's an electromagnetic pulse and then like all these small creatures trying to get into our mouths at all times be awful just like but like just all the insects entering into your house yeah once one gets prized open prizes your lips open all the others are going to start swarming in there and you'll just sort of like get torn apart and explode yeah you'd have to wear like a mesh a mesh mask a mesh mask

over your mouth. Like a chicken wire or like a what's like a screen door kind of mesh like that to protect your mouth. But then maybe they'd try to get in through your nose because they could probably get in through this. And then they...

I don't think they're interested in the nose. You don't think that they'd get into your mouth through the nose? No, they didn't... Not even a bug? No. They're only interested in that. No. They're only interested in going in through the lips.

Do you think that This counts as bacteria as well, or just bugs and mammals? You know what, when I proposed smaller than a brick, I wasn't even thinking bugs. I was sort of thinking squirrels. Well, you should have just done smaller than a brick, bigger than a lighter. In a matchbox. Yeah. Yeah.

I should have. It's too late now. You've already greenlit the project. Yeah. Because, yeah, they need to have skinks trying to get into. your mouth. Yeah. And they're slippery.

Yeah. You ever caught a skink? I don't like doing it because I feel like they hate it. Yeah. I don't really like holding on to animals against their will. Okay. Because you ever heard on the whole hell? You would hate, you would hate being RFK Jr.

You would hate it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because how would you get their penises cut off then? Yeah. You would hate being bitten by RFK Jr. at full moon and the transformation that would happen. Turn into the health czar of my country.

A where health czar. Where? What do you mean where? Where? He's on the roots. Alas there, we must have five schedules. We do, Andrew. We do.

And then that takes us to three words. from a listener. I don't know if you know about this feature from our podcast, 519 episodes in, but we have listeners, and when they support us on Patreon, sometimes they can send in three words. I mean, they can send in three words all the time, and please send in some three words. And this one comes from a listener known as Alex Perry. Let me read you Alex Perry's message. It says, hi. What a refreshing name. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Alex Perry says,

Hi, I have three more words from a listener in brackets me. If you need them. Good. At the moment we do. No worries if not. The words are,

colon, and then open open sort of the what's the double thing when you quote the quote marks, quotation marks.

Open quotation marks. And then there's three words and then they closed the quotation marks. Okay. And I have to guess those words. You got to guess those words. Would you want to start by guessing the first one? Ringpool.

Great guess. It's close. It's Sophia. Okay. Sophia? Oh my gosh. Sophia? Yeah.

Georgia. No. The second one is... Damn. Yet. Sophia yet Oh Sonia

Sonia Sonia Sonia You are genuinely quite close in that one Sonar Sophia yet sonar

That's amazing I didn't I didn't actually I didn't actually see that there was a pattern there I was just like Andy's never going to get this I think it should have been Sonia I'm sorry, I'm sorry Alex Perry, whose name sounds like the air. But Alex Perry is likely, spring morning.

You know, it could be maybe North American, and so doesn't hear Sonia as having an R in it. Ah, Sonia. Sonia. Sonia, like the way that you do. Sophia yet Sonar. Yeah, okay. Wow. I mean, Sophia, are we thinking it's a woman, or we are thinking it's the capital?

of Bulgaria. Is that right? Sophia is the capital of Bulgaria? I mean, I'm always thinking about that. What a beautiful, what a beautiful name for a capital city, like a woman's name. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I think they should say to do that. Yeah, Mark. Like, you know, like the capital of, you know, that capital of, maybe like we start naming countries after celebrities. And the capital of, Bon Jovi is Mark. Mark Fennell.

Bon Jovi is actually probably one of the human names that sounds most like it could be the name of a country already. Like it doesn't sound like a person's name at all. Yeah. You're right. You're right. And I don't think it is. No. Right.

Is that because you don't think it's a person's name or because you don't think it's a person's name or because you don't think Bon Jovi as a person. I think, oh yeah, okay. So his name is John Francis Bon Jovi. Ah, it's Italian. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but Bon Jovi, the way that we sort of know it. Like, as in good Jovi. Good Jovi.

Good Jovi to you, good jovi. What does Jovi mean? Yeah. Bon Jovi occupied. in a weird place in my mind. Wait, maybe he's not even called Bon Jovi. Is that the name of the band? Yeah, I think...

I think he's kind of known... Oh, but people call him John Bon Jovi. That's what they call him, right? But then do they just refer to just him as Bon Jovi as well? I think he is referred to as Bon Jovi, but I think Bon Jovi probably is the band. Is Bon Jovi... the guy or the band

finally we'll have answers it's an American rock band yeah but you're right I think they probably called him Bon Jovi I think he occupies a weird place in my mind where I don't

and I think and in rock music in general probably right like he's like is he good is do people think he's good is he serious? Is he respected or is he a bit of a joke? I don't know. I think he's beloved, Andy.

I think he is beloved. I don't think he's beloved because he's considered the most skillful in anything like that. But I think rarely people that are considered the most skillful are making music that is popularly loved. Yes, yes. I think. So he's a great entertainer, probably, I'd say. Probably. I think he...

He occupies a similar position for me as, like, the boss. Bruce Springsteen? Yeah. You can't say that. No, that's, that is fundamentally flawed. I was thinking the exact opposite, which is that... He doesn't occupy the same spices the boss. Yes.

I was pretty much exactly the words I was thinking, Alistair. I think the boss is respected as an artist. Yeah, right. Okay, well, then what about... But Brian Adams and Bon Jovi. I think that seems, rings true to me. I think part of the Bon Jovi issue is that hair of his. Yeah.

And I think that's probably what stops him being considered as an artist. Yeah. You know, being thought of in that way. Because I think when you hold on to a hairstyle. Yeah. holding on to a hairstyle you make hair hold on

I don't know like after it should have gone yeah I think he's also I think that stops you being taken seriously as an artist and he is probably too a pretty

as well and I hate to say it yeah you hate to say that Bon Jovi is pretty yeah all right sophia but sonar

sophia yet sonar yet sonar it makes me want to like use a a person as a way to to perform sonar like what do you use sonar for

right well you use it to determine the depth of the water and like locate items I mean it sounds to me like building a ship with a very long human arm that dangles down and fingers that poke around under the water and try and touch submarines and you know maybe we've used the DNA of a woman called sonya um to build to make this or maybe we've just bred a woman with one really really long arm and she lies there in the deep in the hold of an army ship a navy ship and navy ship and her hand,

and her hand is just in the water. Her arm extended. Yeah. And she sort of, you know, grabs the things, waving it around and grabbing it stuff to work out what's down there. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that wouldn't be great though if they just had that on one of those deep submarines where you could just you could just get your hand out just touch the ground, touch the bottom,

pick up a crab. I think we have talked about wanting to touch the bottom of the Mariana trench. being able to poke our arm out there. The most interesting thing for me about this long-armed Sonia, which also sounds like the name of Rock Sock.

Rock Sock. Rock Sock is when the war is over or when she returns home. Yeah. And she's just got this really long arm now, and she's just living in society. And there'd be heaps of them, you know, the Sonias. They were part of a sort of like a super... soldier experiment

yes a crack troop to try to get soldiers with longer and longer one arm yeah that would give them

a huge strategic advantage yeah she's part of the long army not enough is made of the fact that the word army

is just arm with a why on it that's true we probably should start making yeah we should probably start saying a lot more about it The hairy army.

Yeah. Yeah. That's about it. Yeah. I think you did it. I lost my army. Throw your armies around me. Also, here's the thing I've just, I know, I know we should probably end because we've got obviously long arm Sonia.

But I was thinking of something that was, I think, a good alternative to motherfucker, which is, I think, is a, I think, is a, a rude term and borderline inappropriate right yep inappropriate here's what I was thinking

mother father you ever heard anybody say that oh mother father you mother father it's good it's fun to say you know what I think actually

that size follow up to gangam stuff was called Motherfather gentleman. Really? Mother father gentleman. Yeah, I think.

And that might have just been the radio edit to like, it might have been called Mother fucking Gentleman, I don't know, but the version that I heard had the lyric, Motherfather Gentleman. I'm going to look it up. Oh yeah, I'm a motherfucking gentleman. Yeah, it was the song. And then, but the obscured word was revealed to be father.

Oh, yeah. There you go. I'm a mother-father, gentleman. Sigh, I'm stealing from Sye. But that's good. It's fun. It's even funny, fun, reading those lyrics. Yeah.

I'm a mother-father, gentleman, and I can imagine him doing it. I think I'm going to say that I'm a big Sye fan, and probably I prefer his follow-up. Yeah. What about a Sye up, but it's actually getting operated on by Sye? good really good great we did it

we did it yeah sigh operating theatre he's got his own hospital I have a suspicion that I've probably met Alex Perry

and that Alex Perry is not from North America so I apologize if that is the case and I'm just I have not solidified the face to the name and so I thousand apologies to Alex Perry but I hope that long arm Sonia is satisfactory to you.

I hope she tickled the spot that you needed to tickled. You got some long arms on you, long arm Sonia. Anyway, she's not, she's called Sophia, I think. Oh, yeah. Andy, should we... Oh, no, you're right. No, she's called Sonia. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry. Fucking hell, Alistair. That's okay. There's been some rocky moments. Have you read the sketch ideas? Did you hear me read them? No. Why it's awful watching porn with your mom.

Oh, we didn't even mention that on here. Because it was right before the pod and we were talking about watching porn, but a guy who doesn't understand. I'm asking you. A guy who doesn't understand porn, somebody who doesn't understand porn, and they're like, who's that? Oh, what's, how does he know her? Like that.

And you go, that's why it's really, it would be awful watching porn with your mom. Oh, what's that, what did I do? Oh. Yeah. Oh. Things God can't do because he's too good, like, like put things in his butt.

But also, we're picturing, but this is also God on heat and he comes to Earth and he starts mating dance and everything like that. We got set up a fake second wife as a fun puzzle for your current wife. For her to figure out behind your back, because that's probably something she might try and figure out behind her back. Yeah. And if she confronts you with it, you go,

I don't know what you're talking about. That wouldn't be good. That wouldn't feel good. but when she read through it and she realized that what you really wanted was her to focus on you and that the fake second family is actually you the whole time

and that really you wanted her to focus on you a little bit more and it was a you were as a cry for help and I don't think that will fix it but that will that will you know it'll be a great little puzzle and we got sister is dating the wives

wives love it when you make them emotionally to blame For your indiscretion I love They really love that Sister is dating The Puzzle Master

He wants everybody to call the Puzzle Master And we've got Where Santa We got Since Trump staffed This cabinet The guy who yells at my bus stop Has disappeared

We got the Yule planet We got I think I'm getting dumber But the doctor says It's not dementia You're just getting shitter Because you've got to Yeah

Yeah, and then we got squirrels, which when you see the photo of the pad indie, you'll see I spelled it very wrong. Squirrel's trying to get into your mouth. That's the new horror movie. What was the horror movie called? Keep your mouth shut. Keep your mouth shut. Yeah. I like that.

Movie. Okay, great. And then we got Long Arm Sonia, and then of course we have Sciop, but it's getting operated. on by Sai. We did it, Andrew. We did it. Bidababababit shibidababababab Dibidabababababab

Thank you. Thank you very much for listening. You can buy hats. Email us at 2 in tank at gmail.com. That would be 2 in the think tank at gmail.com. 2 in the think tank at gmail.com. Or on our social media at 2 in tank.

I've tried to keep it different on every platform just so that it's actually confusing. And, yeah, I was on a recent Who Knew It? I don't think it's out yet. Well, but keep your ears and eyes open for who knew it with Matt Stewart. Because a rare Andy appearance, it's a must listen. Great. I don't think I completely humiliated myself. Yeah. so um yeah please check it out and um yeah we love love you you bye you bye you bye