Two In The Think Tank - 52 - "HOW DO WHALES WORK?"

Episode Date: November 7, 2016

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Kiss from a rose, kiss, kiss from a rose, kiss from a rose, kiss, kiss from a rose, kiss from a rose, kiss, kiss from a rose, kiss, kiss from a rose, kiss, kiss, kiss from a rose, kiss the rose. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. Sketch ideas. I thought we said it together now. Well not now, no, clearly not now. As of today we've started not saying it together. Not saying it together. Just the five sketch ideas part.

Yeah, all right. You know, it was one of those unspoken things that I thought that, you know, you realize that you think you know a guy in an unspoken way. Well, there's a lot of unspoken things that it turns out they're unspoken because one of the people didn't know it was worth speaking about well yeah anyway just because like i wanted to dig deeper into that because your sentence when you say one person didn't know it was worth speaking about doesn't mean that they didn't know about it that's that is true i know i knew i knew that we were doing it that way Right I was trying to just get on with my life, Alistair That's okay, you know what, I'm going to forgive you I regard you as something to be overcome

And somebody with whom you come up with Five sketch ideas Alright, we're back Yeah I think in a way we mended that friendship That friendship Yeah That one over there Cheers. All right, we're back. Yeah. I think in a way we mended that friendship. That friendship. Yeah.

That one over there. Do you think you could have a sketch where two guys just have to mend a friendship? Well, I'm sorry to say, Alistair, that my mind is instantly thinking of an actual ship. A friend ship. Yeah. Okay. And now that I've said that, maybe we can move on.

But do you think it's... But the friendship that they're trying to mend, the one that is a ship... An actual ship. An actual ship. Do you think that that, in a way, is a metaphor? A very, very obvious metaphor for their friendship? I

absolutely think it is. And I think it is, as well as being an actual ship, that on this occasion is called the friendship. The Fred ship? No!

Okay. The Okay The Friendship Friendship They are also mending their literal friendship You couldn't have two guys mending their friendship Like their bond between them As a metaphor for them Mending an actual ship Mending an actual ship called the friendship how do you do how would you do that i don't know but i'd like to see you try um well

okay okay what about okay, that is great. That thing is great. There may be a simpler way that we could, or we could just, on a basic level, have... What about two people who are working on their relationship as a way to avoid a very practical and physical problem in their lives, right? So, like, yeah, you know, even they go along to relationship counselling or something, and there's, like... But there's a thing, like, there's a big pile of bricks

in the middle of the driveway that they're refusing to move. Yeah. Because they spend all their time at relationship counselling focusing on these emotional problems. So in a way, they're kind of procrastinating doing work by bonding with their wives or with their relationship together. Exactly. They're fixing the relationship when really the problem... And maybe even this is what the relationship counselor says to them, that I don't think this is the real problem.

I don't think you guys have a relationship problem. Oh, no, we we do what is this really about yeah that's good if you look deeper and then they need to go and i don't know speak to a brick remover i'm regretting choosing the pile of bricks so wait wait but in your mind is the the problem that he's got a pile of bricks that just needs to be removed? Yes. Like they had a house built, they had too many bricks. Too many bricks, and they've just left that pile

there, and instead of dealing with that very concrete problem, or in this case, clay. Cement. Cement. Or mud. Mud. They are trying to fix their relationship. Or concrete.

I think I've stated it very clearly several times. Could you make bricks out of concrete? Yeah. No, I think that's what Besseblocks are made from. Oh, yeah. Is that what you build a hospital out of, it feels like? Absolutely. Well, you build a regional hospital out of Bessebricks.

Probably not actually... Look, I'm going to be honest. Yeah, I appreciate it. In this day and age, you build a hospital out of prefabricated concrete. Okay? You get it cast into big slabs and you see them being taken down the road by a long semi-trailer. They look like they're not... And then they piece them together.

They look like... Although they seem like they're a good solution, it never looks like you can carry an efficient amount on every truck. Absolutely. It's like two. Two per truck, which is crazy. That seems like what you're saving in building costs seems like you're probably spending on... Trucks. Bloody trucks.

Transport. Transport. But that's what everything is about these days, right? It's all about finding efficiencies in manufacture and then putting all the work into transport. That's why we have shipping containers and things can be made in China and then transported all the way across the world.

Yeah, right. It's not about building things. You build them as far away as possible and then transport them as cheaply as you can. If we could find a way to build things on the moon and then transport them here. Just chuck them from the moon. Chuck them.

Just because the moon... Oh, that'd be great. Just low gravity, just up there working and then you just pass them to the chucker. It's just a guy with a good left arm.

Yeah. I don't know why I chose left. Well, it's because it's such a strange profession. You would imagine that he would have a quirk like being a...

Exactly, a quirk. Like a left-handed person. A bit of a Molly Duker. Maybe you have two. You have a quirk, like being a left-handed person, a bit of a Molly Duker. Maybe you have two. You have a righty and a lefty, and they can sort of work in tandem, like an opening batsman. Like back-to-back. Yeah, back-to-back. They could actually lay with, not lay, but sit with their backs up against each other

so that they don't have to lay with their heads in the mud. Is that from Forrest Gump? Yeah. Great. I think that thing about avoiding a real problem by trying to fix problems with your relationship is really good. Okay.

I think that's... I liked it too. But then I also like two guys who are trying to rebuild a ship called the Friendship. And it's a really obvious metaphor for their friendship. And I'm not quite sure in what sense it is a comedy sketch. You think it might be a drama sketch? Could be a dramedy.

I think you need to get closer to the mic. Oh, I think you need to get closer to the mic. Oh, I think you need to get closer to... To... My... Shit. Mic. My mic. To avoid pile of bricks. My inability to come up with a funny ending to that sentence

is really going to haunt me. Yeah? Can we do something with a guy or a family that's being haunted? And again, we're going back into these metaphors. But what if it's being haunted by... You know, you've got to move into... Okay, you're reading the will of a long-lost great aunt, okay? You... Look, I feel it's an uncle.

An uncle. Yeah. Great uncle. Long lost great uncle. Okay. I think there needs to be more men in our sketches. But also I think, because wait, I'm going to try and guess what you're going to say. Yes.

Right. And you can have the house, but you do have to spend the night. Yes. Remember, though, that the house is haunted by his inability to come up with clever quips at the dinner parties that he held there. Exactly. That's exactly it. So there's constantly moments in which,

or maybe he sees apparitions of awkward moments from dinner parties that he's attended. The house is full of awkward silences where something funny could be. Yeah. Yeah. Unfinished business. By business, I mean witticisms. Unfinished witticisms. Yeah, alright, look, I'm going to write it down

because I feel like that's house. Or a person who returns with unfinished business, but really all it is is not being able to come up with a comeback for like a really stinging barb which they were thrown by

an enemy. An anemone. It's actually anemone, isn't it? Andy, I wouldn't know. It's a sea anemone, not an enemy. No, it definitely doesn't have

enemy in the word. Yeah, because I spent probably the first 25 years of my life thinking it was C, anemone. Before I found out it's anemone. And anemone is

very silly. That is not the way a word should be constructed. Yeah, no. It definitely sounds like it's a jumble of letters. Yeah. Like it's, you know, somebody's taken a good word and messed it up and gone, I'm naming it that. There's some words where the typo is the correct spelling.

Like, if you just made typos, you'd be closer to it than if you tried to think about it. Yeah, like if you take out apostrophes in words. What? Like, if you don't put the apostrophes in words. Oh, and like, don't. Yeah, like if you take out apostrophes in words. What? Like if you don't put the apostrophes in words. Oh, and like don't. Yeah, don't. And it just becomes don't. Yeah. Don't. That should be a word. That's a great word. Don't.

It could be don't. It could still be don't. No, don't. We have loads of things in English where we've allowed the pronunciation to be... The apostrophes have gone. No, we've allowed the pronunciation to be... The apostrophes have gone. No, we've allowed the pronunciation to be weird, to not be consistent with the spelling. Totally. That is actually a rule.

That is what English is. Yeah. Right. So... It's a language built entirely out of inconsistencies. Yeah. And it's structurally quite solid. Well, yeah. structurally quite solid.

Well, yeah, it's like organic. It's like an organic structure that achieves strength through its flexibility. And complexity. A lot of things that get complex, they get more fragile, like a supply chain. Like rock stars. You think a rock star Wait Yeah they're really complex They're kind of fragile

Like you know Their ego Could easily be damaged They could go over the edge At any time They've just got so much Going on That

But I reckon The ones that have gone Over the edge Have been quite simple And then we've just At first they came They just came across As complex

Like your Jim Morrisons And your Amy Winehouses And your Sid Barretts been quite simple and then we've just at first they came they just came across as complex like your jim morrison's and your amy winehouses and your sid barrett's your sid barrett's and things like that they're probably just actually quite simple people yeah in in in uh complex situations like heading a fronting a band that has achieved some kind of success. Yes. But then what about guys like, who's the guy who leads? Eric Clapton. No, no, I keep thinking, calling him News Radio, but the other one there. TV on the Radio?

No, no, no. Radiohead. Radiohead, yeah. Yeah. The guy who fronts that, he seems complex. Tom York. Yeah. He seems complex, and yet you're saying he's stable. He's held it together.

He seems very stable, yeah. Right. Like, I can't even imagine that he's had one drug overdose. Right. So, what you're saying is that, like, it's sort of maybe not the complex ones, but, like, the ones with, like, a real sort of single-minded love of, say, heroin. Yeah. I would say, yeah.

That are the ones that are likely to be fragile and to go over, heroin. Yeah. I would say, yeah. That are the ones that are likely to be fragile and to go over the edge. Yeah, the ones who, like, you know, let's say, maybe Tom York

also loves heroin, but... But? He's got other stuff going on as well. Yeah, exactly. He also loves remaining alive.

Yes. That's just one of the things he loves. I could go on. Because maybe people who died, maybe they weren't thinking about staying alive as much. And that's got to be like the fear that enters my mind when I think about doing certain things. Sometimes it's, you know, back in the day when I was doing drugs, that fear also stops you from taking way more. Yeah, right. Absolutely. Okay, and I mean, we joke, Alistair,

but I think you're onto something here. Maybe. Look, I'm not going to claim I understand the nature of addiction. Of addiction. But I think, I think just whether or not you love something more than you love

being alive is a pretty good barometer of whether or not that thing might end up killing you. Yeah. Yeah. That's why

a pretty good barometer. There's a chance that being eaten by this whale is going to kill me because I love it more than life itself. I mean, there are some...

I think there are probably a lot of things out there that might be really addictive, but they're just so deadly that no one's ever had a chance to do it more than once. Like, being eaten by a whale could, in fact, be the most addictive thing on earth. But it's so deadly. It's also so fatal. Like, really, when you get eaten by a whale, it's sort of like an instant overdose.

I don't think it's possible to not overdose on being eaten by a whale. Do you think if you go in through the mouth that you can get out through the blowhole? No. Wait. Maybe you can. Because they blow water. It's the blowhole. You blow water out there.

Yeah. Or do they get water in their lungs all the time? Does that water go into their lungs? Imagine that salt water in your lungs. Oh. I mean, they must, I would say, have a good system for dealing with that. Because you don't see them coughing a lot. Oh, I don't know.

I mean, I reckon it would be, like, constantly being, like, snorkeling. So you just, you've always got that little bit of water that's kind of like sitting in the bottom, just kind of like, so there's always a little gurgle, you know, you can't breathe clearly. That's the worst.

It is the worst. And you know how like... That's what having emphysema is. Really? Yeah. I think they've always just got a bit of liquid in their lungs and just kind of slight gurgling.

I think being a whale would be like having emphysema a lot. Emphysema. Or snorkeling. got a bit of liquid in their lungs and just kind of slight gurgling i think what being having being a whale would be like having emphysema or snorkeling and and imagine how much like you know like something you know when you come out of cold water and there's a cold wind yes you know and then you kind of your nose is all blocked up with salt water and you're like i'm already sick i can feel it that it. Imagine what a cold would be like for a whale. Imagine having a cold in the ocean. Just how much you

don't want to have that. Can they sneeze? Do whales have nostrils? Well, that's what the blowhole is, I think. Really? So that's their nose? Maybe when they blow things out the blowhole, that is just a sneeze. Well, if that is...

I don't think it's a sneeze. But see, our mouth is connected to our nose in a way. Yeah. Through the pipes. Oh, yeah. So they would be taking in a lot of water when they're eating plankton.

So... Yeah. So they take it in and then they push it out past through the baleen, right? And they filter out the stuff in the... With the baleen. The baleen, those... Bristly teeth. Weird bristly teeth.

It's like mouth mustache. Would you have that? Would I? Would you have baleen? Like a mustache on the inside. On the inside? I mean, yeah, it would be like being a reverse Tom Selleck. My dad...

Reverse Tom Selleck My dad Reverse Tom Selleck Like you know An inverse Tom Selleck Like an inside out Tom Selleck That sounds like A figure skating move But But yet It's being a whale

It's actually what it is To be a whale A reverse Tom Selleck With emphysema This is to be a whale. A reverse Tom Selleck with emphysema. That's a fun way to... I know we always come back to Darwin. Yeah. That is the voyage of the beagle.

But like... No, it's not Darwin. It's Joseph Banks on the voyage of Cook coming to Australia, say, right? And he did descriptions of all the flora and fauna that he saw. But to examine the ways in which he describes these creatures that he encounters, and if he has an idiosyncratic way of describing them yeah such as describing a whale as a reverse tom selleck with emphysema with a touch of emphysema because they used to do um uh those beautiful like elaborate wildlife drawings yeah and you know banks's diaries

are full of drawings of specimens and that sort of thing. But if you didn't have the gift of the drawing, but if you were just really good at painting a picture with your words, you wouldn't need that. And in fact, you know, it could take hours to days to do a decent drawing of a whale.

But if you could just reverse Tom Selleck with Emphysema, I've got it. Boom. I've pictured it. Boom. I've pictured it. Yeah. I don't need to draw it. Well, you shouldn't be bringing a goddamn biologist. You should be bringing a poet. That is very good.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Having a poet on board to sort of just have a... What about this? A person who's a caricature artist, right? You know, you go along the street and there's someone who will draw a picture of you with like your facial features heightened Your nose really big or something like that

What is the guy who doesn't do drawing But who just describes you He just summarises you in a sentence You've got floppy ears and your teeth are really gappy That'll be 50 bucks Pay what you think it's worth. It's just a roast master. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what it is. A street roast master who... Just come on, yeah, please. Can you insult me and my girlfriend? And then he's got a board... He's got a board there with, like, descriptions of a lot of celebrities

that he's got. board there with descriptions of a lot of celebrities that he's got. Just like a buck-toothed Nancy girl. That's Brad Pitt. And he's in a convertible. Yeah. And he's roller skating. And he's got some skis. Because that's what they do with caricatures.

That's right. We've been through a lot of stuff, Alistair. Let's see if we can just boil it down. What have we got? What do we like? We were talking about whales. Whales. What was the good bit about whales?

Reverse Tom Selleck with emphysema. Was that the good bit? Yeah, well, I think so. I mean, what were we talking about? Oh, no. Being eaten by a whale could be highly addictive. Look, I'm going to write all... I think there's three ideas.

I'm going to write them down all as one idea. Wow. Because I feel like they're all partial ideas. Okay. Yeah, sure. No? I think... Okay.

Say that one about the highly addictive properties. Okay. What if that was done in the sense of like a presentation of like a drug uh educator or something talking to school kids okay and he's talking about things that are really really addictive and also really really dangerous maybe maybe he's got a even a sort of one of those a scatter plot right where like sort of on the left-hand side is like things that are not very addictive and then on the right-hand side are things that are very addictive.

And then there's also on the vertical axis, there's like things that are not very deadly and then things that are very deadly. Sure, yeah. And then so in the top right-hand corner is going to be being eaten by a whale, right? Because it is highly addictive but also highly deadly. So you probably won't get to experience the addiction.

Yeah, like withdrawals. Yes. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, sure. Okay. Presentation to school kids. I feel like that's a thing we can explore in a humorous fashion. Sure.

Sure, sure, sure. The idiosyncrasies. The specificities of that trying to explain those concepts. And then now the reverse Tom Selleck.

By the way Sid Barrett Yeah Who was the original lead singer of Pink Floyd Yep His name seems like he should have a name A disease named after him Don't you think?

Like Sid Barrett Syndrome? Yeah or You've got Sid Barrett's Yeah Sid Barrett's is pretty good It sounds like it would be like a lung or like a growth disorder. Sid's Barrett's? Oh, yep. Sorry.

Yeah. Do you feel like that's a whole sketch? I know I really pushed for it. With the Sid Barrett syndrome? No, definitely not that. No. The drug presentation. Look, I've written it down. I think that there's definitely something

there. Look, we're just trying to create a situation in which somebody can talk about this, things that are... Yes, indeed. It could be any situation. Well, not any situation. Well, not any situation. Any appropriate situation. It can't just be two dogs sitting in there mucking a wig on a... Two dogs in a pram. Yeah, it just be two dogs sitting in there.

Two dogs in a pram. Yeah, it's not two dogs. Covered in custard. Yeah, no. That's not a... It couldn't be that. Unless they're talking dogs. I mean, then... I guess.

And then, oh, well, this is one of those situations where they're doing something addictive but isn't actually all that deadly. Unless you drown in the custard, but as long as you're able to swim in custard, then you should be fine. You should be fine. The dogs, are they educating a class?

Are they a substitute teacher? The two dogs in a pram covered in custard, the substitute teacher come in to teach drug ed to the grade sevens? Well, they've just found that it's so difficult for regular substitute teachers because the kids always fuck with them

and that it's easier these days to just hire two dogs in a pram covered in custard because the kids don't really know how to deal with that and so in a way it gives the dogs the upper hand and that's when you and that's when you hit them with the bloody drug talk.

Now you've got their attention. It's so hard to cut through to the kids these days. What with YouTube and your bloody Pinterest and all that. You know, forget the kids giving the teacher a false name. Teacher doesn't care. Teacher doesn't care. You're not going to get one over the teacher. Because he's two dogs.

He's two dogs in a pram. Not even a twin pram. It's just a regular one kid pram. Two dogs. So they're sort of on top of each other. They're not. They're not. Slowing around.

But they're strapped in They're not going anywhere They're going to be teaching this class They can press play on a VHS As good as the next Which is not that well Which is not that well Because the next teacher is a pig In a boot

There's a pig in a single boot He's got all four a boot. He's a pig in a single boot. He's got all four legs in one gum boot. And the gum boot's stuck in mud. So, I don't know if that can be included in it somehow. But anyway. Before, when we were talking about whales I really liked the idea that we're doing a show about

guess how whales work can it be a panel show? can it be like QI? or something like a kind of a quiz? it's like how do whales work? Yeah.

And I mean, like it's a fun show. I mean, it's a fun idea. It's like, I would watch that. That is a great show. I mean, I don't have any season. Well, this is what the game is, right? So it doesn't necessarily have to be just guess,

like guess how this bit of an animal works in a way, right? Or guess how this animal bit works, right? And so then you go, how does like a dog sweating work? Yeah, right. How does an echidna's reproductive system work? Yeah, like what does a, or you just go like, all right, describe to me what you think an

echidna's dick looks like. Well, it's like a fist, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. It's got three holes in the end and it looks like a little fist. It's crazy. Three-holed fist. Yeah.

Yeah. Well. Anyway. I didn't know that. But you would if you watched the show and I would have got full points. Oh, anyway. I didn't know that. But you would if you watched the show, and I would have got full points. Oh, man. But look, so you could just have two contestants, or you have two teams of two. Yep.

Right? And the way that you get past, so I reckon one person from each team gets to have a guess from the thing, so that there's fairness fairness so that everybody has to deal with that. But because the first person who gets to explain it sort of gives the second person an advantage, you're basically constantly flipping who gets to start. Yep.

And I guess somebody... I like it if it's just Wales. I mean, as a TV show, sure, Alistair, you broaden it. But for my money, as a sketch,, sure, Alistair, you broaden it. But for my money, as a sketch, it's how do whales work? Hello and welcome back to how do whales work. Yeah, okay, yeah, that's great.

As a sketch, look, this could actually work as a sketch. I was actually trying to turn this into a full panel show. Well, I mean, hey. But the how do whales work panel show sketch. Yeah. Okay. And, you know, there can be all sorts of different rounds, right? You know, ones that involve, like, you actually get given a bone

or, like, a flipper or something, and you've got to demonstrate the motion of it. What does this do? Yeah. And you're, like like sort of sniffing it and squeezing it and it like turns out it's a flap from their gallbladder that's good i like that because um it's kind of like is it is that a thing in in uh like antiques roadshow where people come with something and then the guy has to tell them what the fuck it is.

I think that was actually from Collectors. Collectors. Okay. Oh, yeah, right. That show. That show. How do you think people... No, let's not talk about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, dear. No, it's fine. Anyway. Just to break the awkwardness, there was a pedophile in that show. All right, here we go. He wasn't a pedophile. Oh, yeah, that's right. He wasn't a pedophile. Just in case, for legal reasons, he there was a pedophile on that show alright here we go he wasn't a pedophile oh yeah that's right

he wasn't a pedophile just in case for legal reasons he wasn't a pedophile and also for regular reasons but there was anyway there was a

there was a kerfuffle there was a kerfuffle there was a kerfuffle causing a kerfuffle yeah it was a third degree kerfuffle I don't think the show

recovered no I don't think the show recovered No, I don't think it did But Subway has surprisingly Endured Endured Still one of the biggest franchises But baffling to me that Subway is such a successful franchise Because everything there tastes awful

At least with McDonald's It tastes fried, right? The fried just tastes fried. Fried is like an alternative to fresh, but Subway stuff doesn't taste fresh. Subway stuff tastes stale. Yeah, that's kind of the general vibe I've been getting from everybody. It kind of feels like your sandwiches have been in your bag

or in open air for six hours. Which is weird because you watch them make it in front of you. I think it helps if you get it toasted. It tastes less... Well, then you're bringing it back towards the fried end of the spectrum. Yeah, yeah. But that was something I was thinking about the other day about McDonald's is that you never feel like...

You're never worried that you're going to get food poisoning from McDonald's because in a way it doesn't feel like you're necessarily eating things that are all that food-like. They even have the option. You never go like, Jesus, is there chicken in this burger cooked? That is not a concern.

No, it's not a concern, ever. And there is a feeling of like that bacteria, you can be like, this isn't for you. Yeah, bacteria doesn't survive in there. You know, food, food is for you. Yeah.

But this isn't that. Yeah, no, no. This isn't where bacteria goes, okay? You go find yourself a nice thing, you know, find yourself a kebab van. Yeah, and it's good to sort of, like, find yourself a kebab van to thrive in. And it's good to sort of like to be condescending towards the bacteria

in that way. Yeah. Rather than feeling what is the proper truth which is probably more like the bacteria doesn't even like has better sense than we do.

Yes. Yeah. That's well that's yeah that's a very confronting thing to think about. Yeah. But for that's a very confronting thing to think about for too long. But, you know, like yesterday I was reading a little article about this guy. Bacteria is, say what you like about bacteria, it's very good at resisting advertising.

It has a very strong sense of self and won't be pandered toered to by this you know won't be manipulated anyway sorry carry on absolutely um they're not vulnerable to to marketing yes it's in in many ways they're already super bugs um anyway because of their ability to resist marketing it's like antibiotic resistant yeah but they've been advertising resistant for years. Yeah. No. Yes. Sorry, I don't know why I said no.

Well, because that's the way we use the language. It's a mess of contradictions. Seems very... Whatever. Yesterday I was reading an article about, you know, like some guy in Silicon Valley. And he was talking about that kind of like, he's about kind of like switching off a little bit more off your phone, but he doesn't think that we're all to blame for our addiction to our phones

because he's worked on some of these things. And the whole point of a lot of these apps and software is that you are tapping into the brain's vulnerabilities and making things very easy to become addicted to. Right, so it's like people are always trying to hack into phones and find zero-day exploits and that sort of thing so that they can access our personal data. But the people who make the phones are actually trying to hack into our brains and find weaknesses and security flaws.

They completely have. And there has not been a firmware upgrade on the brain or an antivirus upgrade on the brain for a really long time. And there won't be, I don't think, for ages. And so he's kind of starting to say, well, so first of all I love that because I love

the taking away of the responsibility on me we need more of that yeah, absolutely but then also he was starting to bring up the idea that there should be more ethics in video game journalism

oh no, that wasn't what he was saying actually But good guess Really good guess No his In app making like that That we shouldn't actually be completely Like Because obviously

You make more money By Sorry my phone is beeping a lot While this conversation is happening Well why don't you check Well I mean No I'm just putting it on silent I'm sorry

No no no it's completely okay. Anyway, I didn't really have anywhere I was going with this. But maybe we could turn that kind of idea into a sketch in some way either through either doing something

exactly on this idea. Somebody coming to app companies trying to make them less addictive and trying to get people to be less on the apps, and then the company being like, but we make more money when people spend more time on our apps. Or you try to do it with another thing that is another thing that is addictive. It's amazing because what the phone is, is really like it is the most direct and scientific and, you know, controllable way to just tap into somebody's brain. Right?

Like before the phone existed, like there were all these barriers to just getting into somebody's brain. But now it is right there and it can just get straight in. You kind of have to send it to a printing press. Yeah, you know, or you had to build a whole religion about it and convince them to come in once a week so you could get into their brain.

But now you just have a thing and you can just make the thing buzz and people will look at it and then you can just put something in their brain. Yeah, that's true. And that is, like, amazing. And the speed at which you're able to run tests, try different things,

finesse the ways in which you manipulate people's, you know, reactions and consciousness, etc. Yeah. is unprecedented, Alistair. Well, is there something in that? Like, there's something in which we're, like, either somebody who's trying to use it for good. But it's like, I don't know, because it's so weird. Because even in order to, like, use these techniques for good, you would have to be manipulating people.

Yeah. Yeah. And is it possible to manipulate people for good, you would have to be manipulating people? Yeah, and is it possible to manipulate people for good? Wasn't there a thing like that that Facebook did briefly a couple of years ago where they were like, we've actually been playing with your emotions because we've been trying to show you guys more of something and just seeing if it makes you happier or sadder? Yeah, and they did. and just seeing if it makes you happier or sadder. Yeah, and they did.

They increased the incidents with which posts with negative comments in them were visible in people's news feeds, and then they registered how many negative comments or status updates or something were made as a result of that. And yeah, they saw that when you expose people to more sad things, they get sadder. So, thank you, Facebook, for a little bit of science that you did there. Very good. Well, that's the thing that people complain about a lot, you know, where there's a studies come out and then people go, oh, well, I'm glad they spent money on that study.

Yeah. You know, like, obviously that's true. Is there a way that we could find humor in people who basically do those studies? Like, well, I mean, that's what the Ig Nobel Prize is, right? Where they give out the award for the most useless or stupid scientific paper, research paper. But what about people who definitely, like,

I guess maybe the humor would be in sort of slightly unethical testing of things on people. Yeah, okay. You know, like, so let's say you go, would, do people become sadder if you make them watch 10 hours of videos of dogs being put down? Like, what impact does that have? Oh, God.

Okay, that's amazing. How do we turn that into something? Because, yeah, yeah okay all right so so like the ignoble prizes but like a version of that that for for just like i mean it and it almost doesn't sound like a joke when you say it like this but for just bad or unethical bad or unethical scientific experimentation. Yeah, but I guess for me, the sketch wasn't about the awards.

Sure, sure. The sketch was just more about the research group. The people who are doing this stuff. Yeah, who are doing it. And so, like, I mean, it could be people whose life, like a research group whose life goal is to win an Ig Nobel prize. No, that's a bit too... But, okay, what about this? What if it's like...

It's like Sad Labs. It's a research organisation called Sad Labs, and they research new ways to make people sad or like all their research is in some way well their research is all about sadness yeah and so they're they're trying to oh that's that is great yeah they're they're measuring the impact of different kinds of sadness like or or tragedy on yes. Yes. And, yeah. That's a fun, I think that's a really fun idea. It's really good.

And people are probably doing it somewhere. And if you are, we want you to know that we think what you're doing is a joke. Is a joke, but also it's great that that exists. And get in contact. I don't know why. I just, I want to touch you. I think, look, I think Sad Labs is a really fun idea. Right.

I almost want to base a whole sitcom on Sad Labs. Sad Labs, oh my God, yeah. I mean, Alistair, it sounds like it might be a little bit dark. It's pretty dark, isn't it? It's pretty dark. Yeah. Yeah. A bit of black humor in that one.

There's a bit of black humor in there. And you know much i love that you know i would love that who me jack d jack d druce no jack d the uh british comedian oh because because he's quite dark and sad quite dark and sad and i think he had a sitcom called lead balloon or something which was sort of a bit dark and sad dark and sad yeah so do you think that was sort of a bit dark and sad. Dark and sad, yeah. So do you think that because he himself is dark and sad and makes dark and sad comedy, do you think that means that he is a big fan of it? Or do you think he's kind of like Ronan Keating where he doesn't really like the kind of music that he makes

and he's really more like listening to the Rolling Stones? So, yeah, was it you who told me this thing about Ronan Keating that he has been interviewed and said that he doesn't really like his music? I saw that on Rove, so I'm not sure if I told you. Right, and you saw Ronan Keating actually say that on Rove. Yeah, so is this the kind of music that you'd listen to? And he goes, oh, God, no. I mean, he might have just been joking.

No, I think, like think there's just something about... I've now, since then... Smile on your face and let me know that you need me. This year, I saw him on X Factor or something like that. I watched one or two episodes. And he's quite a funny guy because there's an obliviousness to him. Right. Like he must be really good at the business and the music of being a pop star.

Yes. Right? But I think he's also quite an uncertain guy. And he's probably like... I wouldn't be surprised. I could imagine that in Ireland, which I think is where he's from, being into Ronan Keating music is not cool.

Right. Do you think he knows that? Irish people, in my experience, are very good at giving people shit. Sure. Him, as the kind of guy who may not want to receive, be at the receiving end of some shit, right, has probably distanced himself from his own music.

Right. By not really listening to his own music, therefore remaining cool and being, like, being cool by benefiting from the kind of music that he makes but not enjoying it and so i don't know this is that that's been my theory yeah that's great i was trying to think of a joke to make about uh that's why he prefers it when people say nothing at all because no one in ireland can uh say anything nice about it. About his music, yeah. About his music, which they think is bad.

Yeah. I think that's fair. I think that's all right. That's all right. That's a pretty good line. That's something to be said for that. Look, I'm not going to lie. We do already have five sketches.

Thank you for your honesty, Alistair. Well, should we wrap it up? I mean, we can make it a short one. We don't have to do really long episodes. That's true. Maybe we can do more of them. We could do more episodes. And each one will become shorter and shorter.

We'll do more and more and more. We'll be releasing thousands of podcasts a day containing only moments. Moments. Fractions of a moment. Only a few seconds. But all you can hear is just a weird buzz. But then when you zoom in and slow it down and enhance...

Somewhere inside there's five sketch ideas. In which you could create maybe 15 minutes of comedy. Could be. Could be, yeah. All right. Well... Oh, should we wrap it up? You want to tell us what we got, Alistair?

All right, we've got fixing relationship to avoid pile of bricks or the, the friendship. So it's like, uh, some, some people fixing either fixing their friendship. No, wait,

fixing a ship, the friendship as a metaphor for fixing their friendship while they're also fixing their friendship or the're also fixing their friendship. Or the other way around where you're fixing your friendship as a metaphor for fixing this ship called the friendship. Which somehow, like, I think I just want to know how that was. It feels right to me, but yes. Look, I'm sorry to go into this a little bit further, but I guess, like, I was trying to analyze it, right, in my mind before, but we moved on. But, like, how does a metaphor like that work, right?

So, like, because you're fixing a ship, it is a metaphor but but it's it's that whilst doing it something is happening which in which your relationship is automatically being fixed yeah indeed well not automatically but like you are doing work on it in a way that isn't isn't visible so like you know you would you would have these two guys working on the ship so if we're doing the standard metaphor direction yeah you have these two guys working on the ship. So if we're doing the standard metaphor direction, you have these two guys working on the ship and then, you know, to begin with, things are a bit rough. You know, they're handing each other spanners without really talking.

You know how you fix ships with spanners. Yeah, absolutely. A lot of loose nuts. Probably like some rivets. Rivets, absolutely. I must say, absolutely. But then, you know, it's through a montage and sort of over time, maybe, you know, we see them sort of laughing

and then maybe we see one of them help another one with something else in their lives and we see that, oh, it's the friendship that's been fixed, right? Now, it's very difficult to show it the other way around, which is where, as two people spend time and have good conversations together, we see that... A boat.

Almost without a word being spoken or without an action being made, a boat becomes repaired. Repaired, yeah. And so that's why I love... I'm willing to say, Alistair, that this physically

cannot be done. Okay, so let's say they go out, they're working on their relationship, they both go and get, like, a bag of dim sims. Great. And then one guy's got a a bag of dim sims. Right. Okay. And then one guy's got a, got an extra dim sim. So they share it.

Yeah. Okay. They share it. Right. They share it. And then they chuck over their shoulder the, the, the, the paper in which the dim sims were held. That's kind of a bit wet with, uh, with sort of soy sauce and things like that. Okay.

And it fall, it kind of rolls and, and falls into the hole of this hull, right? And it begins to clog the hole in the hull. And so while they're doing this, then at some point they trip and accidentally weld or something like that. Maybe there's got to be a way in which the metaphor goes the other way. I mean, there has to be. It feels like we're reaching for it, but...

I'll say you've convinced me that it can be done. It can be done, alright. It can be done. Great. So the second sketch that we came up with is... Those... Wait. Oh no. Oh, no.

Oh, yeah. House got in will is haunted by uncle's inability to come up with clever quips. That's very good. Yeah. I mean, and that would be really hard to spend a night in that house. Oh, yeah.

Right? There would just be so many moments where you just have to watch this uncle just struggling in these social situations. So terrible. It would be like being at a bad comedy night. Yes. Yeah. Or like a live podcast recording where nobody got a laugh. And everybody's saying things as if to get a laugh.

Have you been to those? Well, I feel like I've been at least contributed to adding that feeling to a podcast. Presentation to school kids about things that are addictive but so deadly that you don't get to experience withdrawal.

Right. Yeah, that's your thing. Like being swallowed by a whale is actually, you don't know this, but it is hugely physically addictive. And that's a really big concern. Because if it didn't kill you, I mean, it could turn into a real damaging spiral. Yeah. And one that could possibly end in death. Yes, an epidemic that could swallow our whole...

Rural communities. Yeah, rural communities. They're in the grip of this. Fortunately, not many whales in rural communities. Except for coastal rural communities. Can you be coastal and rural? Well, I feel like Tarth where I've spent some time. Should I be telling people where I grew up? No.

Anyway. Is rural. You know, it's like there's no big cities nearby. Canberra's three hours away. I feel like you're either coastal or you're rural. You can't be both. You see, Andy, you're mistaking inland with

rural. I'm not mistaking, Alistair. Those two are Venn diagrams that overlap. And Venn diagrams that are landlocked by other Venn diagrams. You know, Andy, the bloody... What, Alistair? The coastal rural communities have had it up to here with being ignored by people and fuck them your funding uh how okay how do whales work panel show sketch

i had to put sketch in there i didn't write sketch yeah well anyone might have thought that that was a just a pen i just didn't want well that's right i think that's kind of it because i thought it was going to be a full panel show so that's why I was trying to work on trying to get it. Anyway, I think that's a great thing. Man, a podcast

where we tried to come up with five panel shows. That'd be rough. I think we could do it. I think if we just need to focus our... Real bloody rough. And the final one

is Sad Labs which is a whole lab, possibly a whole department at a university, which is dedicated to the study of sadness and testing different elements of, let's say, tragedy on people's feelings. I think, what about just like a, you know, I think one of the experiments is

people turn up to be part of the experiment and then they say I'm sorry we've had to cancel the experiment and then everyone goes away a little bit sad

but then they say oh we've brought it back up and then they they bring them back and then they test them to see how different they feel Andy that's the end

thank you very much for listening to the podcast. Thank you very much. I feel like I'm getting much worse at matching any kind of rhythm. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.