Two In The Think Tank - 525 - "THE WIFE WHISPERER"

Episode Date: May 13, 2026

3D Alphabet, Lollipop Lair, Molten Nickel, Intern Manogram, WW, Wife Backflip Jealousy, Leg Hair Nudity, Thank You For Bosses, Magic Magician, Hair Funeral, Under Toe Smelling GunkYou can now purchase A Listener hats by emailing [e-mail] up on the 500th episode hereCheck out the sketch spreadsheet by Will Runt hereAnd visit the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here(Oh, and we love you) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Otagana. Otakana. Hello and welcome to two in the think tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alison George William, Tomley-Brichel. How's it bloody going? A little wink there at the end. Little wink.

Little wink in the name. Little, uh, I mean, you're hyphen. Hyphen, that could be a wink in your surname, Tromblay, Virtual. Oh, you think you think it might be like a, it's a natural O that's closed itself? That's closed itself. It's a natural O. One of nature's O's. Yeah. So it's actually, my last name is actually Tromblayo Virtual. Yeah, yeah. But then we turned it, we closed it. We shut that O. But it's turned it into a little winks.

It's putting on the moves of whoever's reading the name, giving a little wink. Trumbly, Birchall. I think, I mean, maybe all hyphens are O's viewed from above. We don't know. You know, if we finally get to view the alphabet in three-dimensional space, the first 3D alphabet, it could be

it could be a that's the only way we'll find out I guess once we get a space because we just live in a 2D alphabet world and if a creature a creature comes from the

fourth dimension like someplace that is four dimensional they have 3D writing there and then they show us what our letters really mean yeah Yeah, oh. And then, I mean, that would be great.

I think writing would get really interesting if we could finally write things that had some actual depth. Yeah. Not just metaphorical. Well, imagine, like, you know, it's like, there's a word with like, let's say zoo, right? And the two O's, you find out the two O's are actually connected through a tube, and it's actually just a U lying down.

It's a big fat U. And so then it would be actually pronounced zoo See these are the kinds of breakthroughs we're going to have It would be really It would be really good

I think it'd be a great thing To pull over the string theory people Like if we manage to find Three Dimensional letters Before they find Any confirmation of the existence of string theory That'd be really great I think we might need to get some like

Some theoretical linguists maybe build whatever the linguistic version of the large hadron collider is get that you know what I like I like that just when you said

get some theoretical linguists in what you just created was a theoretical theoretical theoretical linguist yes I did I mean I guess I guess whilst looking for theoretical linguists, I guess you had created a type of theoretical linguist. Although actually I think probably what I wanted really wasn't a theoretical linguist.

I probably wanted an applied linguist. Really? Yeah, I mean, if they're building actual machinery, they're not just doing the theory. They're building their large... I mean, probably a lot of the physicists don't actually build the particle accelerators. They're not getting sweaty. coming home from a tough day at the large Hadron Collider, covered in oil all over their faces, their overall stained, stinking of the hard work they do lying down there, getting underneath

an electron. Yeah, although I got all these electron burns. Although I do remember Susie She, who we had on our podcast, on our radio show, The Pop Test, I believe she said she was some kind of particle physicist and she said that she was in the business of building particle accelerators so

yes so then maybe they do but even then I doubt I don't know if she's getting hands on Susie Shee one of the most confident people I've ever met I don't know if you got that impression from her but I was like wow

your mastery of physics has given you or maybe you already had it but like you come across like you don't doubt anything that you say or think. And I like, I really admire that. Like you could probably prove all of these sentences with an equation. Yeah, I mean, I liked when I think we were asking what size was a, some kind of thing.

I can't remember if it was a, the particle of like a photon or something like that. And then she, and we thought it was like. like a joke question. And then she gave us quite a good answer that had something to do with like, I think it was maybe basically what the length, the wavelength was. And I was like, oh yeah, that actually makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, she was batting back our joke questions with serious answers. Yeah. It's a real, real shutdown. Yeah. Alastek, can I talk to you about that thing that I said? I sent you a message about my experience. the other day where I was dropping off my children at school and I walked them to school and

walked across the level crossing with a lollipop man there. And then after I dropped off my children, I had to cross back over the road and the lollipop man stopped all the traffic and blew his little whistle for just me, a fully grown man. Yeah. And how humiliating that is and how I can't. can't help but believe he derives some real sexual pleasure from humiliating you like that in front of it's a beautiful moment if any like i feel like i got ahead a moment like that when well i look i i don't want to go to another story straight away let's let's let's let's wallow in this for a second

well wow if you will allow me to wallow uh that'd be great because i think like i think i think revealing that like lollipop people. Because like, what a thankless task. I mean, it's amazing that these

retirees go out there and do this like, you know, in the fucking cold and, you know, with their humiliating high viz on

and their... Do you think that they get paid in the trial? I don't know. If they do, I reckon it's very low. I think they are paid here. They're called the,

the brigadiers, I think. Are they called brigadiers. Really? The brigadiers. We don't call them brigadiers. I mean, that's a good name.

Yeah. I mean, they get cool. They get paid and they, over here, we don't pay them and we call them lollipop men. Yeah. Yeah. It is degrading, isn't it? It's a very... It's degrading.

It is a ritual humiliation. But then the fact that I reckon they get together, right? And maybe all those little, tiny little huts that they go in, those little, one-man huts, they can press a button that takes them to, and it lowers them down into a sort of a series of underground tubes and caverns and they go to their lair deep within the crust of the earth and they share stories of all the fathers they've humiliated over the course of that morning and they get into a sexual frenzy talking about it. They also go down there because that's where they can forge the lollipop paddle.

That's where they do it There in the mantle Tink Tink! Yeah Tink grabbing steel from the molten core

Mm, mm Yes and that's not high viz they're wearing when they come back up That's still glowing shards of

nickel molten molten nickel Moulton nickel Moulton nickel Moulton nickel What a beautiful name

For a private detective Oh, molten nickel Yeah I'll write down his name and we can figure out who he is later. Yeah, okay, cool. Maybe we'll find a role for him elsewhere in the episode. Okay, wait.

The lollipop. Anyway. The lollipop man layer. Yes. I mean, I imagine you really could. You could take a round lollipop and sort of, if you were down in the crust of the earth, you could sort of pop it between. two tectonic plates

and have it sort of smeared out squashed hard and flat like that sign that's probably sort of like a they could maybe even use one of those mammogram machines you know like I hear that when they're flattening out the boobs so they can see in there I reckon they're lolliping it a bit

yeah they are I mean that that that that machine I'm sure we've talked about those machines. I think so. And there must be some rule about showing boobs on the news, that you can only show the boobs on the news if they've been deformed beyond a certain threshold of boob likeness.

Because you see people getting mammograms on the news. You don't see just like round boobs on the news, but if you flatten a boob. Like as you see it in the machine Like it's like one of those like machines For pressing pants That yeah They'll do a story about Women getting mammograms

And And how more people need to get them And then they'll show the boobs Getting squished like that But do they do they show nipple Or do they kind of just I wonder if you see the nipple I mean

I feel like that's Yeah a lot That's usually a line that the news won't cross You know they'll show shaft but no knob. How do you feel about like a manogram where you go in and they squash your penis flat like a dinner plate? Yeah, I mean, I feel like it's in the nut where they would really want to do it.

Like they would really want to have a look in there. Can you imagine, can you imagine that experience? Yeah, I mean, I reckon that with a professional, they would know how much deformation they could undergo, you know? I don't think there's a lot. You wouldn't want to, you wouldn't want to. you wouldn't want to be the first two, three guys. You don't want to get an intern.

No, no. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm just training somebody to squash the nuts. Do you don't mind, do you? Oh, I do mind. One of the few times I would speak up. Is it okay if you train him on the next guy? I'm just, I'm in a hurry.

I got to get my nuts out of here. I got I got plans for these boys Yeah I got big after them for these fellas Yeah we've got this We've got this intern And his name is Moulton Nickel

The private detective You know what Yeah Yes he can squish my nuts He can detect my privates If that's what it takes it takes. I think like you don't want, you don't want anybody with a, I'm thinking about like somebody who has a lead foot, but like, uh, but that for, for your hand, for, um, pulling down

the lever of the, uh, ball squashing machine. You don't want somebody with a lead foot driving the school bus and you don't want somebody with a, a molten nickel hand. I'm so far out on a limb here, Alistair. You don't want somebody with a molten nickel hand. Even I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm pulled together the strads, the fraying strands that do not meet. I'm so sorry that I couldn't see me there. No, Alastay, you wanted to say something, you wanted to say something about an experience you'd had,

recently. When you were so desperate to move on. No, no, no, I didn't want to move on, but I, uh, I, uh, I, because I told you, did I tell you about when I went to the, to the dance classes? I don't know. We tried, I was like, I think it would be great to do a dance class. And so we were like, we signed, Indiana signed us up for a, uh, swing dance class, right?

Mm. In a group thing. And, but we missed the first one because we were. sick. And then when we get the second one, apparently it had been brought to the group. Would you like to just dance with your partner that you've shown up with, or do you want to rotate around the group?

And everybody had decided, I think it would be good to rotate. I think this was a swingers dance party. Swing dance. I think it was swing swingers. And then I get there. So then we get there, and they're like, you lead because you're the guy. And then women will come to you.

and then you just lead them. And I'm one lesson behind everybody, and I don't know what's going. I don't know what to do, but I'm in charge. It's a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare. It's literally an anxiety dream.

So I suffer through that class, and I'm like, okay. Anyway, when we go back to the next one, and the next one, it's like, we've got a different teacher, and they're just like, they're just trying to take, us way too fast through whatever it was and we've got to do it in the mirror so that everybody's

looking at us like it's like just everybody's facing the mirror and I was like all right I just can't and so I just like left and then eventually in the end I was like managed to convince the the people to like trade in our you know our remaining lessons for just like one private lesson with a guy and he was very nice and he was very good and he taught us a lot and he taught us a lot lot and but then there would be moments where he'd be like no you gotta do it like this and then he would dance with Indiana but he would like you'd be like

get out your phone and film this and so that I would be just be like sit in that chair in the corner with my wife in a way that much better than I could and I was like yes I'll watch this when I get home

in the dark by myself in the basement. Tears streaming down my face. You see, if you're just firm with her, she knows where to go. How come you know how to drive my wife better than I do? It is like driving your wife. Yeah. He was, yeah.

Wow. You have a firm hand. They respond well to. Had to be good. If that guy had the energy of, like a guy who sort of trains horses. He just whispers at my wife's ear. And then she just dances really well on her own.

I go, how'd you do that? The wife whisperer. The wife or the wife whisperer. That is great. What's he saying? What's he saying? And then you get a friend who's in the CIA. to lend you some of their advanced listening technology.

You smuggle it in under your shirt. Really clumsily, it's sort of like a big radar dish type thing. So at the next lesson, you're sort of trying to point your chest at him. He's like a lawyer in this like couples counseling thing. But basically he just stands up and whispers in your wife's ear and she's actually improves dramatically from all the problems that we would. were having or whatever like that and you're like what is he fucking telling her yeah yeah i mean i think he's teaching her to dance right i to me it's not a couple's counseling it's still a dance lesson

but he's able to make wives dance really well yeah great and then like you got it you like what does he what is he saying what's uh yeah let's see um It could be a recipe. It could be... It could just be like a sort of baby talk or like a series of high-pitched squeals. I mean, just the fact, if he would be going like,

like, I shall be a baby-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dun. And she just starts, Run dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunn Performing these incredible athletic feats as well I think maybe she does a full backflip Oh that would be tremendous actually Wouldn't that be tremendous?

Yeah I actually think there's not a lot that my wife could do That would really intimidate me You know how some men are like insecure about their wives earning more money or being funny or something starting to do backflips. But if my wife just started doing backflips, just a standing backflip, I think I would actually find that really difficult to deal with.

And it does start with like a guy just like at a party with his wife and how she's talking about. He's like, he doesn't get jealous about anything. He's so good about, you know, he doesn't care that, you know, when I was making more money, he didn't care about that. And he's always, you know, he's fine with me talking with friends. And then one day you do see if she's like, she's just for some reason, started doing parkour or something like that,

and started learning to do standing back clips. And he's like, huh, you feel something deep inside. Seathing, bubbling resentment. Everybody's got a line in the sand. Everybody's got a threshold. And I think that might be me. I think it is my secret deepest desire. And Adam Sandler did a draw.

dress this. I think in 100% fresh he talked about wanting to be able to do a backflip. Can he do a flip? I didn't know that was a movie. No, it's his stand-up special. Isn't that what it's called?

100% fresh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it is 100% fresh. It's a good special. It was a good one. That was the one that came out. I thought it came out. It says here 20-20.

It'd be a while ago now. 18, but I thought it was a pandemic release. Maybe it made it to Netflix. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, it would have gone straight on Netflix, that one. Yeah. My Uber driver smells bad. I can't believe that's that long ago already.

That one? Yeah, that's right. I think my favorite bit in that was the, when he has a story about ending up on a roller coaster with another dad and that they kind of like very gently become really good friends and they miss each other when it's over. Yeah, and he could have bought the photo of them together.

Yeah. And then the guy, he just snaps a photo of it with his phone instead of paying. And the other guy says, well, I wasn't worth it. It's good. It's a good bit. I like his bit about waking up early, like getting up at 4 a.m. And all the stuff you've done. And you're like, whoa, I'm getting so much done.

And then you get to like 10 a.m. And you're like, what is this day going to end? that's very fun it was like was that just before or just after he did uncut gems and like it was such a hot sandler

minute it was a real hot sandler time this guy can fucking do anything what a great like one two of like incredible stand-up special yeah it was just before insane

Oscar nominated performance that's yeah that's the way to do it That's the way to have a fucking renaissance, baby. I mean, he really can do anything. Yeah. You know? Can you just get him there?

You just got to get him there and he'll do anything. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take him to the limit. Take him to the limit. You know, he feels more Italian than he does Jewish. Is that a weird thing to say? Like, you know, like my instinct is that he's Italian.

in. So like forget everything you know about, forget everything you know about Adam Sandler. I'm trying. Where do you think he's from? Like what he would, what, Turkey. Hey?

Turkey. Turkey? Yeah. All right. That could work. Yeah. Yeah. Actually looking at him.

Yeah. He's got a bit of turkey, turkey vibe. Turquia. Do you pronounce it Turkeye? Am I supposed to? I think that's how it's spelt these days. If I pronounce it Turkey, am I protesting against... What's his name?

Who, Erdogan? Or the one. Yeah. Yeah, you know, he seems... I mean, this is the thing. You think these guys are bad dudes. And then they get replaced by somebody much worse. And you're like, ah, shit.

Yeah, and you go, oh, yeah. I mean, I guess I forgot that there were worse dudes around. He'd pushed out the envelope. He'd squeezed this side of the Venn diagram. And now another guy has stepped in, and he's terrible. He's awful. So, yeah, that's my geopolitical analysis. Yeah.

Not knowing anything about what I'm talking about. But look, that doesn't stop anyone. That doesn't stop anybody. Like Tucker Carlson, right? Sometimes now he seems reasonable. He seems like one of the more reasonable ones. I know. But, I mean, we know the deep down he's not.

It's just that he's taking positions that we more agree with. Yeah. I just think that, you know, it's like he feels like he's just... I mean, look, he went to Russia and was just talking about how much better Russia was than America. How good their bread is. Yeah. And how crime-free their... their subway was and stuff like that.

And look, I bet you there's some great lives that can be led in Russia. Yes. You know? And I bet you could live a really good life almost anywhere. But, you know, there's some of those guys that are the leaders. I don't want to be making them look too good. I don't want to let's not go past that part where we acknowledge that maybe a really bad dude is in charge. Well, I think you should almost, like, I can't imagine ever actually being on the side of any leader.

Yeah. Like, you should always be thinking their shit and disappointed by them. Yeah. Let alone if they're launching illegal wars and suppressing, like, civil freedoms. Yeah. You know, anytime you have a laugh with a political figure, you should feel a deep shame. You're having a laugh with him? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm thinking about when fucking Paul Murray on Sky News got to speak to Donald Trump, and he just looked like he was so happy with himself. Yeah, such a suckass. Yeah. Yeah. It's humiliating. I don't care if you agree with him. You're embarrassing yourself. I think it's nice to see that some of those, you know, like, it's such a small, a small condolence,

but to see some of those, you know, podcasters that help get Trump in to see them feel at least a little bit bad and regret for doing it. I mean, it really doesn't help, but it doesn't help the situation anyway. No. But like that's, we'll take it. In the absence of any other consequences for anything anybody does these days, somebody feeling slight regret, any kind of awareness of their having made a mistake, that's incredible to me. Yeah, I'll take that.

That's a big win for me. That's better than I've done all year. That's as good as a promotion. My old acknowledgement. Hmm Okay, what about this? It's work and you're getting a demotion at work.

Okay. And they are taking away one of your watches and having a little... Yeah, having a little... The watch that you were given having worked there for 15 years. Yeah. Yeah, or maybe one of your own watches

that you already own. Or just they're just downgrading the watch. ask for the watch back. Yeah. And I go, so I'm fired? And you go, no, no, no, we just want the watch. Or any watch that you might have. And have a little party.

How much cash you got in your pockets? Yeah, give us some money. And like, what if you made a cake for everyone else? We're actually going to take turns. So we're going to take turns paying each other. paying the full staff and so that way you'll still get the same money as you would

any other year but Jimbo will pay you some of it next last week and things like that just so that the company can have more liquid you know cash you know cash around they don't have to spend it I think it would also help

if like the employees had the experience of having to part with some money. Like, then they would relate with the bosses and how painful it must be for them to have to pay their employees. Yeah. You know, that's a suffering that only they bear themselves. And that must be so hard, having to, like, give away your money, your own money every, like, month to these employees who have no idea what that feels like for you.

That's right. And no empathy. I think it would make you go, hey, come. on, Jim, get back to work, you know, a little bit more. Yeah, I think that's an interesting, a new interesting model. Like, you know, everybody sort of gets paid, like, maybe the pay goes all the way down, right? So the second in command gets paid heaps of money, but then they have to pay everybody below them. Sort of, is it like a pyramid scheme or is a reverse pyramid maybe?

where like you're all paying down the chain the people who are below you and and experiencing what that's like. Yeah. I think that's good. Yeah. But then you, yeah, I mean, I like that you're even paying the big boss. Okay. You know, like one part of the year you do just get the full amount put back into your bank account. Yeah.

What if the money goes all the way down and then there's still heaps of money left at the bottom level of the company and they have to pull all their money together, get it all together and give it to the boss every week. So they get paid like some, you know, small company, high turnover, lots of, lots of money coming in. You know, you get down to the lowest level, the lowest of the low, the people who work in the mail room. They still have a mail room.

It's an email room. The people who work in the email room. and they're getting like $250,000 each a year. But like that means that every week they've got to take that money out as cash and give like 90% of it, put it all in a big pile, and then go up the elevator, up to the boss's pent quarter office, and give it to him and say thank you. I think it would be fun like that.

Like let's say like for whatever reason, the company can't make any money for the next two weeks or the next month, right? So what they're going to do is we're shifting. We need to do fundraising just to pay everybody's wages so nobody has to go hungry. Right? So everybody's going to family and friends and things like that

and all these workers are pulling the money together and then they're going to each person and they're giving them their money. And so at this point they're kind of seeing how much everybody gets, but they do have to walk into the big boss's office and give him, his much bigger pay packet. Yeah, and he counts it in front of them to check that it's all there.

Yeah, and knowing that it's like money that's just come from like your aunt and, you know, some kids down the road that you sold them some biscuits. Yeah, that's so nice. I think, would he say thank you for every dollar? You know, every, every note that he counts. He's making eye contact with the people and he's saying thank you so much. I think that'd be really nice. I think that would bring the company together.

I mean, if he said thank you a bunch of times, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They should have to make up for the pay disparity with that amount of thank yous. This means so much. Yeah, I mean, gosh. Maybe we could invent a new kind of thank you,

a new, more powerful, more meaningful kind of thank you. that the really well-paid bosses could say to the employees. Oh, yeah. What do you think it would be? What's more than thank? Thanktaculous. That's more like that. Thankula?

Thank you. That's more of like a thank you, Dracula. Yeah. That's a bit like you in because you love thank you so much, you know. I do love to be thanked. But, you know, Dracula never asks for blood from someone's neck either. He's just thirsty for it. He has to be invited into the house.

Yeah, but not into the neck. Not into the neck. No, even though that's the blood's house, you know? Yeah, that's true. And, I mean, that's the vein's house, and then the vein is the blood's house. Blood, blood house. Blood, blood corridor. Blood.

That is the blood corridor. Do you think it would be if you got to be shrunk down? I don't, you know, like sort of magic school bus style. Do you think traveling through the veins would be fun? I think it would be very dis, it would be like an awful ride. Because you're going so fast around, right? Yeah, and you'd be tumbling and fumbling. I mean, that school bus, it doesn't have any stabilizing fins.

It's still a bus. It's not hydrodynamic. It's not built to light. I thought it sometimes gets transformed into something more appropriate. It probably does. I apologize. How does it make it into space? Yeah.

I mean, you're right. And the magic part. The magic probably does involve some kind of transformational technology. Well, they do say physics at its, or is it chemistry at its base? is just physics and physics at its base is just magic

we are we are absolutely heading back towards magic towards us not understanding how anything works and I think that

magicians are becoming so good at having the right card be in a box or in people's pockets and stuff like that that we may have crossed over

into real magic I don't understand. There's so many tricks now where it's like this card that I've placed down here that you saw me put there. Yeah. Right?

Flip it over. It's a different card. It's your card. Yeah. You know that I haven't touched it for minutes. It's been under your hand. Are we absolutely sure

they're not now doing real magic? Yeah. I mean, they say that like sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. I would say the same thing about about magicians. Sufficiently advanced close-up magic is indistinguishable from magic.

Or maybe I could say sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from wizardry. They are, they're approaching the wizard threshold. the wizard barrier yes the wall Hadrian's no he's not

Merlin's wall they've crossed Merlin's wall yeah the Merlin Asymptote the Merlin the Merlin line

nothing What time is it where you are Andrew Why am I coming across like a man who's much tireder than I should be? No, but I think I am. Ah, for me, Alistair, it is 11.17 a.m. Oh my goodness, it's almost midday. Yes, Australian hours.

But do you want to tally up how many brilliant sketch ideas we've got written down? I'm not 100% sure how many are proper sketch ideas, but I'm going to take us to three words from a listener. And today's listener is Alex. Lola Lloyd. Alex Lolloyd. Yeah, I added an extra L. But I said Lola Lloyd. But I think I appreciate you trying to fix that.

Now, Alex Lloyd says, and this is from all the way in the year 2015, I believe. No, no, 2025, I apologize. But January. Halcy on days. And Alex Lloyd says, hello, three words from a listener. then it has those three words. But then it says, these words are from Andy Matthews.

I asked Andy for three numbers in the Discord, and he said, 48, 216, and 521, which I used as page numbers. Using an old pocket dictionary from 1995, which my wife used in high school, these are the first words on those page numbers. Wow, I wonder if they're in order.

I mean, this is a, I reckon 48 were probably in the like okay 200 yeah right so let's say we're at about the letter see here okay so i think the first word could be catawall or catawall oh close andy be belittle belittle that's a great word yeah uh okay and then the next one might be a sort of mid alphal alphabet and I'm going to say it's lasagna. Oh, no, it's formal. Formal, be little, formal.

Okay, and then we're going to get right down the arse end of the alphabet. I'm going to say, Waterfall, waterfall. Oh, there is a, sound in there, but unfortunately it's squander. Squander, these are great words. Squander's a great word. Belittle, formal squander, belittle and squander.

Like, if you were to rank all the words from just how, like, how much of a vibe they've got, these would be in the top 10% of words. No question. I love a word with a squaw in it. Yes. pal uh so belittle uh formal squander formal wear you know did you ever have to hire a suit for like a school dinner or yeah dance or something like that how did you how did you feel yeah did you go along and have like a fitting and stuff at the yeah i've done a fitting before yeah i i yeah i i yeah i never

feels like you're, I don't know, it feels like you're, I don't know, it feels like you're getting in the way of these people's business, even though this is their business. Yeah. There is something very like, what is it? Like, it's, it's a strange sort of coming of age ritual almost. Yeah. But then I've done it for weddings as well. Like I went and hired a suit for a, for a wedding as a, as a grown up in my 20s to like match the other groomsmen. It's a, it's actually a kind of awful. feeling, I would say. Because it's kind of clothes sex work. Like, you know, that's what the clothes are doing. Yeah, yeah. Sort of the opposite of a stripper, someone who would take off their clothes for money. These are clothes that you put on and you pay them.

And I remember, like, looking through a catalog and choosing kind of what the look would be. you know and having to kind of look choose based on not knowing what it's actually going to look like on me yeah yeah I mean would you would you uh do a wedding where like uh everyone

instead of wearing clothes you sort of have like a cardboard cut out that you hold in front of yourself and you sort of just like put your head over the top like one of those um fairground photo booths and you sort of carry it around and just try and keep the angle, right? Maybe that's what you do. Like you go along to one of the, you go to a suit shop, and the suits are, the suits are too expensive.

You don't want to hire them. And it's just for like photos, right? Some fancy photos you've got to get done. So you steal this like cardboard cut out from out of the window and take that along and try and like rip the guy's head off. and try and like to sort of pose behind it for the photo. Yeah. So.

Or maybe you find it in the bin out of the back. You're a, you're a cheapscape, okay? And you don't want to pay for this suit you have to hire. But you just want to scavenge some suits that have been gone bad from the bin. You want to scavenge, yeah. But like, wait, but mostly you're suggesting these cardboard things. cutouts that you just what you have on a wheelie thing in front of you?

Yeah, yeah, I think so. Maybe you wheel it around and you pose behind it. And it looks great. I think much better than a suit would just be wearing a big mascots outfit. Hmm, okay.

Yeah. But then with the head looks like your head. Yeah, to a wedding. You're wearing it to a wedding? I think so. Yeah. You know, it almost treats you more like a god. Oh, that is kind of what it is, isn't it, mascots?

Like, if they were real, we would probably regard them as gods. I should show you who the Canadians, the Muslim... They're real one of... They're one of a kind, right? They're obviously like evolutionary dead ends, these mascots. Yeah. There are no... two really that look alike and it's hard to

imagine them reproducing and a lot of them are sort of almost hybrid Kimera type characters who probably couldn't reproduce if they tried yeah well look type into your computer Y OU PPI exclamation point I wonder if the search will include the exclamation point Yupi

oh yeah wow he used to be the mascot for the expos and then when they got moved out of Montreal, the Montreal Canadians took him. You know, he's kind of, I'm not sure what he is. Is he a guy? Is he like a lumberjack? I don't think so.

Is he a very hairy Scottish man? Why is he not wearing pants? Because he's got so much hair down there. Yeah, I guess so. He doesn't need it. Yeah, what is he? I wonder if the police would ever agree to something like that, that if you,

were so hairy below the waist, whether there's an amount of hairiness you could be where they would allow you to be nude. There must be. But from the waist down, yeah. Yeah. I feel like I'm on a trajectory to finding that out. I'm not like a hairy guy in general,

but I did notice recently that it feels to me like my volume of pubic hair has really increased. This is really exciting, Andy. Like, even within the last year. Yeah. I'll tell you something else. I feel like this is my last year of having fucking hair on my head. Really?

Like, it is falling out so fast. Like, I'm just, like, finding, like, hair all over myself all the time. And I'm like, right now I can still, like, put together, like, a looks like I've got hair on my head. But I'm like, if this trajectory continues, these are my last 12 months. of having anything up top. Well, Andy, I think you're going to look great with nothing on top. I think, thank you very much. That's very kind of you to say.

I'm having to come to terms with it. And I think it's one of the reasons that I reckon going bald is so traumatic for so many men. Is that like what with, you know, male privilege and white male privilege? I reckon it's like for a lot of guys, it's the first. actually bad thing that's ever happened to them. Yeah, sure. That's actually out of your control in any way. And you feel like a victim of something you can't control.

And it is actually quite confronting. Yeah. I wonder what the second bad thing is going to be that's going to happen to you. Death. Death. It's that and then death. That's the only two things that can happen to you that can hurt you in any way. I think we've got to stop calling it.

oldness and we got to call it hair death. Sure. And then people might respect it for what it is. I think that would be nice. Yes. Yeah. Okay. That's cool.

I mean, you know, maybe a cremation. Get all the hair together. Burn it. It'd smell awful. But then. But then it shouldn't be a pleasant. You know what? Exactly right.

Yeah. I mean, I want it to be a celebration. Everybody has to suffer Everybody should have to smoke your hair Oh, that's good We roll up a joint of your hair Yes Really good

And it's It definitely will give you a buzz But it doesn't mean it'll be a good one You know what I mean? Like I think it's Like it'll make you feel something Awful Good

Yeah But then think how good The sandwiches will taste afterwards Oh man The sandwiches at that hair funeral Incredible Well one thing you know that won't be in them Hair

Yeah that's true It's our guarantee And everybody who serves The food at that place should be also bald Or wearing a bald cap Yeah Yeah the pallbearers I mean it would be nice if everybody

On the day that you kind of The funeral which is where the first maybe you shave your complete head, everybody should have to wear a bald cap. A bald cap, like instead of a veil for the widow. Yeah. Everybody has a bald cap.

That would actually be really good and would help all of us confront it and the awareness of our own hair's mortality. Yeah. And that, you know, and that is probably not that bad. You know, you'd find out, you know, that everyone's, you know, looks fine.

Although there'd be some people with weird heads. shape and for them it would look really terrible. I don't think I've ever seen anybody whose head is that weirdly shaped that it can't be out in public. You know what? You're right. You know what? The only thing that I would find a bit too disconcerning would be if the head had a big toenail on the back.

You know what I mean? Like a big toenail, like as if the head was a toe. Yeah. On the back. Yeah. Oh, and if it had lots of shit under it, like lots of grime, caked under that head toenail, awful. Oh, yeah. And it's ragged, it's ragged and torn.

Somebody comes in and has to scrape that stuff out, and then everybody in the room has to smell it. Yeah. They have to. You go to like a hairdresser, but they do head toenails. I scrape it out with the pointing end of a comb. You know what they should do that at football games where they like give people smelling salts? They go, I coach,

we're all out of smelling salts. You go, get me a little metal thing. And then he goes around. The coach takes off his hat and reveals his filthy head nail. Or he, yeah, I mean,

either he has a big thing like that or he goes to each player and he scrapes a little underneath their big toes. Yeah. this stuff. And then he goes around everybody and everybody has to sniff it and they're just like they're so awake for the game.

I've never been so awake. For a game. All right, we did it. I can't remember what the words were, but that's the idea. Belittle formal squander. I think that's what we did

with those words. Under toe smelling salt. Instead of a smelling salt, it's a smelling gunk. Yes. I didn't know. know that thing about smelling salts at footy games?

Whereas that if somebody's been hit on the head or something and they need to be... I think they use it in American football a bit. I don't know. But it's... Yeah, I mean, I'm interested in smelling them just to see why people react so intensely to it. I just don't know whether it's like an ammonia kind of smell or what kind of smell it is. I don't know. Whatever it is, it seems like it gives them a rush.

Like, is it like eating wasabi? getting that sinus burn. Accidentally. Yeah, getting a bit up in your sinuses. That's a different feeling. You don't get that from anything else. Yeah, well, you do with the hot English mustard. It's kind of a bit like that.

But I think maybe the wasabi that we normally eat is probably also horseradish, which I think is what's in hot English. Horse radish. Yeah, what do you think about horse radish before we go? quick before we go what do you think of horse radish i mean it's got it's got a very it's it's got a very very fucking descriptive name but i feel like it doesn't actually tell you anything yeah you know like it feels like they're invoking stuff there but it doesn't add any value you're right because you don't know enough about either thing yeah like i don't know enough about radishes

and i don't know about enough about horses in the context of radishes and their relationship You know, radishes? Now imagine that if that was a horse. Also, before we go, one last thing. I don't know if I told you this, but I had a guy tell me that I was talking to a guy and he had been on a trip to Mexico City not that long ago. Did I tell you this?

Yeah, I don't think so. And he said, one thing that he noticed while he was there is that a huge number of, of people in Mexico City were just making out out on the street. So way more people making out on the street. And then recently, that was months ago they told me that. And then recently I saw that my friend is currently in Mexico. And I said, I heard in that city, like a way larger percentage of people just seem to be making out out in the open. And then my friend, my friend, said well i found quite the opposite wow yeah so now i got to go to mexico city yeah i really respect you

trying to find another data point yeah you know because these days there's so much misinformation out there people are reposting things without really knowing where they come from we're amplifying a lot of like propaganda and that in fact that before you even brought this up on the podcast you've made the effort to like get somebody else to go down there and and look for public displays I had a man on the ground there checking it out and because I thought you know because now you've got to go there to find out whether or not it's like is this a place with a lot of people making out or is this a place that you're like this place could use a few more people making out on the street here.

Well, I think now that you have a tie, like equal vote, you have to ask the vice president and they have the casting vote. Okay, yeah. I guess I could go there and if it feels like it needs more, then I could make out with people on the street. I think that's affecting the results. I think that's unethical. I have to be neutral in this.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I guess it could just also be based on where the people who did the noticing are from and what the street makeout situation is in their home countries. What their tolerance is for it, what their threshold is. You do not see it a great deal here, I would say. Yeah. Well, somebody from Australia that said that it was quite the opposite.

So he wasn't seeing enough, I guess. Right. Interesting. Yeah. Anyway, let me take you through the sketch ideas for the day. We got three-d writing from a fourth dimension world and then finding out what some of the letters are in 3-D, you know? Very two-in-the-think idea. Yeah, then we got the...

Well, let me veer away from two in the think tank and go to something different, I guess. The lollipop man layer, where they forged a lollipop. and they laugh about how they've humiliated a bunch of fathers. Yeah, great. Then we got Moulton Nickel, the private eye, who also interns at the testicle mammogram place. Yeah, great.

Then we got getting asked, and then this is getting asked if an intern can mammogram your testicles. And then we've got the wife whisperer, He's a dance teacher, and he whispers stuff in your wife's ear, and she learns a lot of new moves. A guy gets really jealous of his wife's ability to do standing backflips. Apparently that's big in the Mormon community is to be able to do backflips. Really?

Yeah. A lot of their wives? A lot of their... I don't know if it's their wives. I know that the guys do a lot of backflips. This is what you do when you don't have drinking and stuff, I think. Yeah. And we've got level of, oh, level of hair on legs that cops allow to,

that will allow a man to go pantless. Yes. And we've got the new thank you for bosses. Yep. We've got the, could it be that magic are just doing magic now? Mm. You know? I think we should consider the possibility.

That they've actually gotten that good. We've got the hair funeral. with bald servers and we got the undertow smelling gunk really great what a what a what a rich bounty

we have in our in our basket in our wicker basket of concepts wicker wicker wicker ding did a littleing ding diddleing didilling ding diddleing didilling

didilling didilling didilling didilling didilling dilling didilling dilling youpe thank you so much for listening to two in the think tank you're cool You're cool

You're cool Andy said But I meant it Get a hat Get a hat Get a hat Get a hat Get a hat on your head

Get a hat I finally got that hat To Brian's cousin We got both The sides of the continent Covered We can mail to anywhere We have distribution centers

You can come to us Get a hat Yes You come to our town We'll meet you in a park Yeah We'll hand out the hat Yeah

Hand to Hand to hat combat. I mean, hat to hand combat. But not combat, just sales. Yeah, S-A-I-L-S. Correct. And you know what? What, Andy?

Like we always say here at two in the think tank. We love you. Bye. Bye-bye.