Two In The Think Tank - 528 - "GOD'S BIG BOOK OF JOKES"

Episode Date: June 4, 2026

GodChat, GodPranks, New Zips, Men's Shedding, Word Original Origin Origami, Plants Can See Wedding Yell, Bluetooth Pants Zipper, Dead Body Chat, Flaccid GodYou can purchase A Listener hats by emailing [e-mail] up on the 500th episode hereCheck out the sketch spreadsheet by Will Runt hereAnd visit the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here(Oh, and we love you) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Give a little Yeah Give a little Give a little Up You gotta give a little A little Yeah

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah And then Hello and welcome

To two In the thing tank The show We'll come up with Five sketch ideas I'm Andy He's Andy And I am

Alistair George William Trombly Birchle Yes Yes Imagine if that was The day

I decided To unveil That I was Dropping the Birchle Oh, oh, I mean. The Birchel was only good for 527 episodes. Mm-hmm. But eventually, you know, it's slowing us down.

You know, think about when you do die and you go to heaven and God shows you the graph, the graph that summarizes the bar chart, like every different bit of your life and what you've spent your time doing. You know, think of the height of that bar. that is you saying your own name. Well, imagine if what he said to you is like, let's say you got hit on the head really hard. Let's say one of your kids drops an iron on your head while you're, you know, you're on the ground picking up some,

trying to scratch some wheat bicks off the tiles or something like that. And it drops sort of a hot iron onto your head and it hits the point hits. Yeah. You lose consciousness. Yeah. You know, and you do meet God. And God is like, hey, everything will go get, like, I don't want to ruin everything for you.

But if you, I'm going to send you back. And I promise you 10,000 percent that your life will be better. Yeah. If you just change your name, your first name to Flem. Mm. Mm. Would you do it? I mean, this is the thing.

This sounds like a classic God prank. You know, this sounds like that God's sense of humor. You know how people used to say things like, the Queen was actually very funny. Yeah. I bet they said the same stuff about God. God, he's got an impish sense of humor. Yeah.

He's actually very dry and all. always has the right bomb-mo at any particular thing. Love that you really can throw in the perfect line every now and then. Yes, yes. But maybe you know what? He's always got a quip locked and loaded.

But that God, he's good value, he's good value, his bans, God's bans, our next level. Yeah. But maybe we find out God's actually got a really immature sense of humor and it's very, like, practical jokes. It's very,

Yeah, it's very childish. It's a little bit mean. This seems more true to ring true. It has the ring of truth about it. Because truth is a bell. Don't mean God's anus. Which, you know. God's anus?

What about God's an anus? Well, the ring of truth. I imagine that's what he calls it. Yeah, yeah. I thought it was ringing like his anus. Like a bell Yeah Yeah

When he farts it goes Bong Okay So we don't We've not come out of this With any kind of sketch idea Oh come on Al

No No Don't say that Is that the bad attitude? Yeah Come on man I don't know if anybody Ever notices this

But sometimes I get into Different Modes When I'm Doing these episodes and in my peripheral vision there's like the internet is open and I'm trying to not focus on it

but sometimes you might hear my mouse clicking between two tabs I'm not looking at the tabs but I'm just going and I wonder if that comes through internet man it's been reduced and you've reduced

okay I'll take that yeah just a little bit smaller What about this? You know how sometimes you get a book that's like the wit? Does Stuart Lee talk about this? The book that's like the wit and wisdom of Bruce Lee? I imagine no relation to the Bruce Lee or to, oh, Stuart Lee. But what about one that is the wit and wisdom of God, you know?

God's light of side, a joke book of God's jokes. Ha ha. You buy it and then it's just got your face. You open it up, it's just got your face. God's biggest jokes. Yes.

That's what you're reading it. It's a lot of one-liners. You get at the end it says God's biggest joke. Yeah. And then it's got a picture of whoever bought it. Yeah. Because he's God,

he can sort of customize them pretty easily. Yeah. Well, you go like, what? How did you go, you call the people from the bookshop of you? Like, how did you do this? How did you get my face in here?

Did you take a photo with the cameras when I came in and like print this up or something? And they go, oh no, that's in all of the books. And you go through every single book on the shelves. And yet they all have your face in them. And you go around to a friend's house and he's got the book and you open it up and it's got your face in there. Oh, so actually, yeah. So it was just, that's just what it was at the printers. Well, let's see.

follow it through. Because I don't know, I'd love it if there was a twist. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that, too. Do you think it was a different guy, not the God, but just a guy called God, maybe God Smith or something like that, who just particularly doesn't like you.

Only met you at a shop once, but then learned everything about you through social relations. Yeah. Yeah. Different shop, not the God shop. Not the God shop. God shop. God shop.

God merch. I mean, there is God merch, isn't there? There is. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I mean, you know, people say that Pokemon is the biggest media franchise in all time. But surely, oh, no, there's a child, already there's a child outside the door. Well, wait, is it one of yours? Because if it's not one of yours, I don't think you have to do anything.

I mean, at this time of the morning, Oh no It's It's It's Wally calling out Oh it's one of the more difficult ones To And Carly's at the gym

Oh Alistair We don't have good options We don't have good options Yeah Fuck Yeah Bring them

Lap him Lap him up And he can join in Yeah Can you give me two minutes Of course And I'll go Get him something to watch

Or something Okay So do you want me To just keep talking Um If you want, yeah. All right, well, I'll just, I'll come up. This is the beginning of my solo career.

Okay, good luck. Yeah, so I was thinking about doing a one in the think tank as well, you know, off the back of the success of two in the think tank, if you guys have ever heard that. And so here's, you know, here's an idea from me. Did you know about kidney beans that when you're making kidney beans from dry, You got to like soak them for many hours, something like eight hours, at least, something like that. And then you got to boil them hard for 10 minutes before you keep boiling them at a regular amount

because they got poison in them. And this somehow gets rid of most of the poison. I think it destroys it or deactivates it, like a little bomb. And so I'm thinking, but there's. they're a very healthy bean. Apart from the poison that's in there, they're a very healthy beans. So let's picture it's, you know, it's another thing like that. It's a going, I mean, I guess that's a little bit what like the gym is like. You go there and there's all these quite toxic people. And, you know, if only, you know, if you want to enjoy the thing

and get a perfectly good, you know, mental health experience out of it, as well as the physical health experience, you probably would have to, I don't know, like I don't want to say shoot up the joint. I think a lot of those people seem like they would probably have guns or, you know. So then the other option is maybe flooding, flooding the gym and then boiling all of them alive until they all disappear. Maybe they just have meat. You could eat the meat as well. They probably, they're full of protein, extra protein, because they're always eating protein. Andy, are you back? No, he's just got a lot of people into the same room with us, or maybe it was just coming through his headphones. So look, I don't know. That doesn't feel like a sketch idea,

but, I mean, you know, killing a lot of people, that doesn't feel like it's the perfect. sketch idea. But what about an alternative to killing that's just as effective? You know? I'm back. Yeah. And, yeah, and that, you know, that all those children were in the room, you're right. But I will, I'll get them, I'll take that out of the recording.

So it seems like you've gone mad. Yeah, yeah, that's good. I, I think that's a great solution. I'm also sick today, Andy, so that's why I'm not sure I was doing my best work while you were gone. Are you sick in the head? Yeah, that's where some of the sickness is. No, all right, then. I was like, well, why should that stop you thinking well?

Your brain should still function. You should still be able to podcast. You're right. I guess I'm just in it. That's my opinion. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. At some point you do just have to accept it.

If you're 42 years old and you're left on your own and you can't do the thing that you claim to be doing, I assume at some point you do just have to accept that maybe I can't do this well. I guess. Whenever you leave, I do such good podcasting. Yeah. I do some of my best podcasting when I finally get a moment to myself. Yeah. I just, yeah.

I often think about Mark Maren doing those 10, 15 minute intros that he would do where he would kind of be honest about something that's going on or whatever like that. 10, 15 minute intros that everybody hates. I know, but then also sometimes it would win, like, an episode would win like podcast of the year on the AV club or something like that. And you kind of go like, oh, so while he's being brutally honest about some horrible thing that happened to him or that's happening in society, right? I find it unbearable to listen to, but on the other side of it is that people are like,

this is one of the best bits of listening I've ever had. So I don't know if I'm a good judge. You know, maybe this boiling all the other guys at the gym who are there making it a bad experience, maybe that was a great idea, like you would boil kidney beans really hard to get rid of the poisons. Yeah, wow. Is this like toxic masculinity? You know, you can boil the toxins out of it.

Is that the idea? Well, yeah, I guess, you know, because it's physically good for you to go to the gym unless you injure yourself, which only happens very frequently to people. Yeah. But mentally, it's a difficult space because it feels like there's a lot of not great ways of thinking and stuff like that in there. people, a lot of judge, a lot of judging, a lot of, you know, have you ever seen that guy, that guy who pretends to be a janitor in the gyms?

Oh, no, fuck, I hate this idea already. He pretends to be a janitor. Yeah. Because he's a small guy. And he goes up to these huge, mussely guys. And he's like, excuse me, can I clean under there? We're using it. We're using it.

Like that. And he goes, oh, but he's not a, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he. Is that, it's not very strong, that, you know, whatever like that. And then he kind of like lifts these things that they wouldn't believe that he could lift. And they seem very shocked by it. Yeah. You know what? Who would be great at doing those kinds of pranks?

God. Santa Claus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. God, God, like, gets into doing Instagram reels for clout. He does stuff where he shows up, because he looks really old, right? Yeah.

he'd be perfect he wouldn't even have to do the like the jackass makeup to be the old grandpa right yeah it's god he goes to like a you know a pick up basketball game somewhere in the hood and he's all hobbling along and they're like hey old man i bet you're really bad at basketball i bet that's you know that's the kind of thing people say when they see it all right going past and he says oh oh i used to play or something and he's winking at the camera. There's one camera. Yeah. The show's called Prank God.

Or God of Pranks? God of Pranks. Prank God. Okay, no, I got Prank God now. I just like, I thought it was like a show where you have to prank God. That's also a really good idea. They should do that one as well. Yeah.

We've had lots of movies where God is a character. Yeah. We've had no prank shows where God's a character. the host with the most the heavenly host um oh he's the host so he's

so he's not even like he's not even doing the pranks he's just the host he's pulling double duty it's a trinity situation I mean I think it's a show where God is the host but he doesn't actually play a part in the pranks yeah okay sure

that is a bit more in character with his sort of hands off thing he could be like um who's like guy from Reiker from Star Wars who like has that anthology show where he does sort of like mysteries of the unexplained or whatever and those little clips go around of him just introducing the stories. God would be great at that. Yeah. And because I guess he would sort of take, he would take some ownership to any stuff that gets made in the world because, you know,

he's essentially, he started the seed of it. It should have been a bit hands off since. Allegedly. God would also be great because, like, he'd be amazing for production values if you'd get him on board. Well, he'd be great at convincing producers to, like, fund your project. No, he would, but also, like, if you want to film something, like, in a small town, you know, where everything seems normal, but when the townsfolk take off their pants, you realize it's anything but. or everything but, everything but, right? And then they take their pants down. And they have a butt on the front and a butt on the back.

That's this town. Oh, yeah, that's great. It's anything but. And then they poop shit out the back one and poop piss out the front one. Exactly. Yeah. But anyway, God would be able to actually... It blows a mixture of poop and piss out of both at the same time.

You know? It's just much more unpleasant. Yeah. They've got it, they've got, they've got, they've got, they've got, like, all the, all the benefits of a cloaca. But with all the downsides of having, still having two genitals. Yeah. And then they got to just kiss butt holes. Yes.

Yeah. You also have to, like, ejaculate out of your butt hole. Yeah. And there's a lot of like failed pregnant. because of all the poop inside the um inside the vaginal canal so that's that's what this this great what if story explores yeah the great thing about having god as the host is that like you wouldn't have to do special effects you wouldn't have to find locations god would just create that world yeah right just for as you know for as long as you need to do the production and then he would cast it all into

the void that's right yeah Or he could leave it in town. They would think that they're real. They would think that their world is real. They don't know. God's just, you know, it's just a set. Yeah. And he could also like...

And that's another of course, classic pranks. Yeah, well, it could be a place that God goes... Like, you know, can then sell tourism to. You know, people then go and visit. All the people with the front and back butts and people are taking photos and it would have its own industry of pants making pants

you know yeah pants that are the back of the pants on the both sides or they got a zip on on the sides they got a zip on each side and the back pockets on front and back you know

sure yeah don't you think Andy I'm just wondering why the zips are on the sides Well, just because it doesn't make sense to have them in the front and because there is no front. You know, you need to have two back pockets on the front because it's a butt there. How do you feel about a pair of pants where the zipper, the fly zipper, goes down, right? And then it keeps going down all the way down one leg. Yeah.

Right? Down almost to the ankle. Now, do you think that that would be cool? Because it would make everybody think you had a really, really long way. Oh, I wouldn't think that. Why would you not think that's the first thing I would think? What, if the zipper went all the way down one leg? No, I would think that that's some like confident art type person.

You know, I would think that something, it was somebody connected to the fashion world and was making a bold choice. I wouldn't think anything about dick's eyes. What if they looked at you in the eye and said, this is because of my dick. Yeah, maybe, but even then I would say this is an arrogant person attached to the fashion world. I imagine there's a lot of them like this.

Yeah, sure, classic fashion. Yeah, what about a zip that goes from the front and then zips all the way to the back and undoes? And then you have two separate legs. Oh, that's really good. You know? Yeah. And then you can match up. I mean, this would be great for...

Who was it who said, I'm like anybody else? I put my pants on one leg at a time. Yeah. Is that Ronald Reagan? I can't remember. That's somebody's quote. I don't know why I think it's Ronald Reagan. I definitely have heard that line before.

I didn't know somebody famous said it. Now you really can, you know, put your pants on one leg at a time. Because that's never really been practical before to put them on one leg at a time. In fact, most of the time I'd say you put them, like, you do it sort of half a leg at a time. time. You sort of put the lower leg of one side in, pull the pant up to there, and then get the first, the second leg in to a syrux. Yeah, it doesn't get all the way in. And then you do a little jump and then you pull it up the rest of the way. It's kind of one foot at a time. Yeah. You know, get it roughly around the ankle and then pull it up. Because to pull it all, to get one

leg in and pull it all the way up. It's not possible. And get it snug around the butt. Right, and then try to get your leg in? So, snob. You've got to be ballet trained, probably. Yeah, you've got to be so flexible. You've got to have that Ronald Reagan flexibility. Yeah. He did not look like a flexible man.

No. You look like, I reckon his body was... Fucking stiff as shit. Saggy? Well, saggy's on the... Is saggy on the flexible spectrum? Well, it's mush. It's kind of...

It's not flexible. it's usually something that is, I guess it is on the flexible spectrum. Yeah, it's like, it's, you know, manipulative, like easily manipulated, like a putty. You know, like, you know, like a putty or like a person who lives in a rural area. Yes, yes. Politically, you mean? Yeah, politically, yeah. Yeah, fucking hell.

Isn't it interesting, as you get older, your skin gets more flexible, almost too flexible, and yet your bones get stiffer, you know? That's true. And your joints get less. It's a shame. You should get all more flexible. But the skin and the bones don't learn a few lessons from each other. Yeah, I think they should.

Yeah, they're like a comedy duo that starts out, you know, with a real connection. and they're similar values and that sort of thing. But over time, they diverge until they, you know, they just can't work together anymore? I mean, yeah. Why can't I just have stiff, brittle skin and soft, sagging bones? Exactly. You know?

I guess it would be great if you needed to, like, create a shell that you would then shed. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, men's shed, but it's them, it's a thing that happens at 60, but where men

lose their outer skin and they get like a fresh, like a fresh 25-year-old skin. Yeah, that'd be really good. Like, the kids come home, right? And it looks like dad's sitting there at the, at the table, you know. Yeah.

And they go up to them and they're chatting away. Maybe they, you know, Dad's really listening to them for the first time. They have a, they really reveal something to themselves. And they're like, wow, thanks, Dad. Thanks for listening. I really needed that. We've never spoken like this before. And then they got to put their arm around him and he sort of crutches and crumbles.

And then the real dad emerges from the shed. Like a, yeah, he's like crumbles like a cicada skin. Exactly. Yeah. But their dad, his new pink. His new gleaming pink skin Still drying in the sunlight Perfectly shorn

Not a hair on him He's a little nervous He's a little skittish He's very This is out of him at his most vulnerable Yeah He needs to like He needs to get into like a Daihatsu

Sirion just to protect him from Predators DiHatsu Serion Dietzo Ceryon Love that, Indy. I love that. Thank you.

Is that like a Korean car? Daihatsu? Daihatsu. I mean, it could be. Could be one of the early Korean brands, but I think it's probably Japanese. One of the older Korean brands. But I do not know.

Yeah. But let's say guys were. like one of those hermit crabs what do you think the thing guys would go to first to protect their soft outer skin? You know, maybe they're getting away rather than from sort of, you know, sharks or stingrays or something like that.

They need to hide from the judgment of other men. Yes, yes. So, I mean, cars does feel appropriate, but a little, perhaps a little obvious. I mean, the shed is also a good one, you know, like quite literally. So it's the play on words, it's the two sheds.

You go hide in the workshop. Yeah, yeah. Once you've shed, you need a shed. Yeah. Shed in the shed. Maybe that's why it's called that. Or maybe it's called the shed because the house, the main house, sheds all the crap that you can't

fit in there anymore and you shove it all into the shed. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like that thing where it's like all these words have a meaning, have a meaning that we've all forgotten. And then we make a joke about that word, the meaning that we forgot being like, oh, that's kind of like this thing. Like that and everybody laughs. And then you find out that that was actually the original meaning. Yeah. And so that laugh was one unearned and two based in absolute ignorance.

Yeah. Yeah. And really, you know, we all thought we were laughing at the word, but really the word was laughing at us or the world or God or, you know. Yeah, we were the joke the whole time. Yeah. That's another one of God's great jokes. That's one of, that would be perfect on the God prank. Prank God show.

That in the front and back butts. Yes. It'll be a show that won't be super consistent in style. You know, there'll be other things where he's like, yeah, he's like making whole towns appear with people that have sort of a form that deviates from, I guess, his image, you know? Yeah. Andy, the guy that I used to like, I mean, that I, you know, I've liked, I think Donald Hoffman, who was like the guy would talk about. reality and how it's a construct of, you know, like of our brain. And so it doesn't show us reality as it is.

And, you know, he has it backed up with mathematics and all this kind of stuff like that. He started speaking around a lot more. And the more he talks now, the more insane his stuff is becoming. Yeah. Oh, no. Where, you know, I mean, like today he was saying something like, insane in a good way or like in a compelling way like it's interesting or do you think he's a guy he's lost it i mean look it might be based in reality or i think it's based in the mathematics but there was something like there's an almost zero percent chance of consciousness being embodied in a body so most

consciousness will exist in non-embodied forms right and oh god Well, I mean, there's all this stuff about, you know, like, look, I'm sure that we don't understand the true nature of reality, but like, but it does get so complicated at some point and so strange that it's almost like you should withhold the truth until you have a way of showing us that will really convince us rather than like being like, by the way, fucking crazy thing. Yeah, right. Yeah, you can say, like, by the way, dogs aren't real. right? Yeah. And then you can't tell us what dogs actually are or like why we think they're there.

We're just still walking around seeing dogs all the time not knowing what to think anymore. Did you know dogs aren't real? And then you're like, I don't have any way of explaining this to people. Yeah. You've just told me dogs aren't real and that it's backed up by the maths.

This is zero percent chance. Yeah, but I just don't. There's actually a zero percent chance that dogs are real. And I go, oh, okay. You know, because it sounds like such a fun fact to throw into conversation. Sure. You know, I did say in a conversation recently with some people I don't hang out with very much about how plants can see to a certain extent with, you know, because they have photoreceptors.

And as soon as I finished the sentence, I was like, we're all not ready for this. We're all not ready for this conversation. This conversation isn't, the relationship isn't at that point. They don't see like us. They, I think, apparently can make sense of a room or that there is a room or something like that. But, yeah, look, I shouldn't have said anything. This is, this is too far, this is too deep in. Do you think that that would be a good point, like, good fact, if somebody says, it's a funeral,

no, it's not a funeral. Oh, maybe it's a funeral, or maybe it's a wedding. Like, maybe it's that bit in the wedding where the priest says, and if anybody has anything to say, speak now, forever, hold your peace, and you stand up and you say, Lance can see. Yeah, I mean, that would be a feel like, especially at a wedding you really want to derail, rather than saying he's cheating on you. Yeah.

I feel like that would be, you know, you could almost claim to have some mental illness where, you were compelled to say it. I thought you literally meant, should I, can I say anything? I mean, what would be good is like you would get everyone so derailed. by the conversation. Yeah. That they sort of almost forget about the wedding. You know, just change the topic. Yeah, I think the follow-up question of,

why do you think that this should stop the marriage from going forward? I feel like that you might get stumped by that question. You might get you back on track. But I think it's enough of a curveball that you have a chance of really changing the subject and getting everybody into a debate. You know, but even if people start talking about why are you doing this, you know, after it's gone on for a certain amount of time, either the bride or the groom is going to get out their phone

and just start looking at stuff, right? And once you've done that, you've won. You know, there's no way they're going back to that wedding. Once the bride is looking at her phone? Yeah, yeah, because they'll see something, and they'll be checking some messages. Yeah, I think that if you can get them to watch a reel, that's the end of any night. Yeah.

Right? Once we're showing each other reels and then it's just back. Well, I want to show you one of mine. Yeah. Like that. And then that's how you can end any night from achieving what it's there to achieve. Yeah. There's no way they're finishing the thought.

Because everybody's got their hand in their phone. Are their phone in their hand? Yeah. I mean, imagine having your hand in your phone. That'd be crazy. Only, oh man, another reason to look at my phone to try to find my hand. That would be a really good, you know, sort of a maybe a new kind of contraception. Oh, yeah.

Is what I'd be saying during the sex part. You have a phone in your pants. A phone in your pants? Yeah, maybe. And before you can take off your pants or get your genitals out or whatever to make love to your intended, you have to like just check your phone. Oh yeah, if you had to like unlock your pants with a passcode. Yeah.

Like that. And then it showed you that you had a notification on Instagram or something like that. Oh, that's it for intercourse. This is a new kind of zipper, I guess. like as more stuff gets incorporated into the phone, some sort of Bluetooth pants zipper, where to take off your pants, I got a new ad thing on my phone

where I unzip my fly, my pants from my phone with my Bluetooth pants. It's a thing with Levi's, and it's a collaboration. Like when Nike did that shoe with Apple, it's like that, but it's a pants. And I didn't know they did a shoe with Apple. I mean, yeah, I think a long time ago there was some kind of shoe that had some sort of thing in it.

Like a chip in a shoe. Like an iPhone screen? Yeah, I don't think there was a screen. Imagine how much that would fuck up your neck trying to like look at the screen on your phone, on your shoe phone. I did you shoot, though. Yeah, would you put the screen underneath on the bottom or would you put it on the top? It'd probably be a good way of like working on your flexibility because you'd have to. like do all this movement, all this bending of, like probably it would free up your hips.

Finally. You know? Alistair, have we, have we written any sketches down this episode? What about this? Can I push to write down Bluetooth phone zipper? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And how you never get around, you get out your phone to undo your fly and then you see a notification. You'll never get around to.

Oh, don't you worry. That's down. Doing the deed. Yeah, but doing the deed now is, no, it's just answering a work email. Yeah. I think, you know, a roaming screen on your body. Right?

So it's like, it's just like your body's skin has, you know, they've found a way of just making it, making your skin change colors like a, like a, like a, like a squid or what's the, What's the squid's buddy there? Squids' buddy there, squid's best bud? Cattlefish. Cuddlefish, you know, the way they can make it move.

So then you can see beautiful, you know, but then it's always moving and you have to keep finding it, which means that you're moving and you're finding, you know, you're like stretching and turning and things like that. Contorting. Yeah, you're contorting, but it's doing great for your physiology because you've never, you've not done this kind of, you know, this kind of like body movement. So my shoulders are fucked up right now. Yeah. And I've realized, like, I have not been using them. Like.

You got to use your shoulders. You got, so like now I'm starting to do, I already tell you this on pod? I'm doing like shoulder rolls like this. No, I don't have you brought this up. And it feels almost as good as like the best massage. And like, but I'm just like, for a little bit there, I had no strength pushing forward because I just had pain. Is that really what a massage? massage is it's like I'm not going to move my body but could you move my body for me it might be

Andy I've heard a hot shower can even have a positive impact can like your body thinks it's exercise because it's getting hot fucking stupid body I love that I'd love that yeah trick that body it thinks I'm doing exercise couldn't be further from the truth yeah you know you'll jerk off in the shower it thinks you're it thinks you're right on a marathon. Having sex with some, with some, you know,

I don't know how, what, what, who thinks you're having sex with, but somebody, you know, that, you know,

you, I guess you're not, somebody that you're not attracted to because you have, you're, you're doing so much exercise to, to reach climax because of the hot show, you know, that's why it thinks you're doing a lot of exercise.

Right, right. But I mean, like you might, you might be really attracted to them and like really working very hard, you know, doing the best. Okay,

you're maybe, yeah, Maybe, but, but, but it's not like making you, like, come to climax quickly. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yes, yes, yes. Unless you do just come to climax quickly, then obviously it'll think that. But this one thinks that you're having sex with somebody that you're not sexually compatible with,

but you're willing to go all the way. What would be really great? Here's another thing that would be really good for when you die, right? right, is to get to talk to your body, right? And ask your body, what did you think of me? What did you think we were doing? You know, you can go back through and be like, you know, like, because the body doesn't have eyes of its own.

It would be like, you know, like bundling someone up, putting a bag over their head, putting in the back of a car, and driving around and getting them to guess where they are. You'd be like, so you talk to your body and say, what do you think I did for a job? you know and how many of those times when I was jerking off did I really trick you and did you think we were actually having sex? Yeah because how many people get that feed, get that feed of like the first person perspective. Yeah.

Does the body, does any of my body parts get to see that? Yeah. Right? So when I'm imagining, yeah, when I'm imagining, obviously my beloved and I'm, you know, masturbating in a closet somewhere. is my body fully convinced that's what's happening. I mean, I guess, oh, because I guess if it does see that feed, then it does, because I guess I'm seeing my beloved in the thing. Yeah.

But then you can manipulate the feed. And that's why, I guess, positive talk. It's like we're propagandists for our body because we can sort of decide. But I guess it doesn't hear you go, I'll just pretend. Yeah. Or, but maybe the, maybe your body's, like sort of... It doesn't understand English.

Well, maybe it, maybe your body does know, and it's sort of just like doesn't want to embarrass you, and it's sort of going along with it. Playing along. Yeah, playing along. Like, sure. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, you are. You are having sex with a beautiful woman. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. Gosh. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to really make you so aroused right now. Yeah. Gee. Gee. Did you really think I was having sex with, you know, whoever? No. No, of course not. It was really sad.

I didn't want to humiliate at you. The other day I had a weird experience where I walked out of the supermarket and I felt a kind of like tension sort of in my, you know, like a kind of like an anxiety little tension somewhere in my, maybe my gut kind of area. and I was like, why am I anxious? What am I anxious about here? It was probably like a coffee thing or something like that. But I was like, you know what? They say to feel your feelings. I'll try to feel it, right?

And so then I felt it and I really focused on it for a second. And then it kind of like moved up to like my chest. Oh. Right. And then I was like, oh, that was weird to like feel it move. That's all I was like, all right, now I'll focus on it there. And I focused on it there. And it like moved up to like my upper chest.

Right? And then I was like, oh, that's weird. And so I kept feeling it while I'm walking back home. Sounds like you have a spider on you. It's a spider that can sense where you'll, what part of your body you're thinking about. And then I knew I basically kept doing that, and it kept moving up until it was like at the top of my head.

And then it kind of just like went away. And then I got like a weird wave of like positive, you know, like good feeling chemical juice, like run down my body. That's fucking crazy, man. Yeah. And then I was like, that was so, it was like, it was like, yeah, that's what I've been trying to get you to do the whole time. If I give you a feeling, I just want you to just look at it for a second.

Yeah, just listen to me. I'm like a kid going like, hey, dad, hey dad, hey dad, hey dad, you just need to acknowledge me. Yeah, and then that good feeling was like it going, that's it. You're finally doing it. Wow. I mean, it's only what everybody's been telling us to do for the last 20 years. Yeah. Is acknowledge your feelings.

Yeah. But I'm still not willing to give it a try. I've done it once and it was like Nirvana. I will keep it in the periphery where it should be and ignore it. I, speaking of feelings. Sorry, said, tell me. Speaking of feelings, I remember, you know, you know how sometimes I get really bad diarrhea? Yeah, yeah, I know about that.

I get these attacks. And I just, like, there was one day where, like, I thought this was coming on. And, but, like, we were out on a holiday with the kids down at the beach. And I was like, I can't, like, stop everyone from going to the beach. So let's go. And we're, like, we're going and we're just, we were buying some buckets down at the, at the beach. Oh, no. uh no down at the foreshore at a shop and we're about to go down and i just look and i just

got instead of a like a like actual diarrhea or whatever like i got yeah i got a wave of sadness like it hit me as this really intense like wave of just a really intense like wave of just a really sad feeling. Yeah. I didn't feel it in my gut or anything like. I was like, oh, wow. This has gone beyond like a physical need and like my body has upgraded this to an emotion to try and get my intention. And I was like, I need to go home.

I said you pooped it. You went up into the, up into the sand dunes and you pooped in a bucket? No, I got Carly. a drive home really urgently. Like it was a fucking, she was driving an ambulance. Wow. And, yeah, we made it. But like...

There were no, like, public toilets around? My body had been trying all the... I just knew that, like, whatever was going to happen, I was going to be in there for. Because when this happens, I'm in there for a couple of hours. It's like I need to get home. And, yeah. Sorry, this is really upsetting for the list. But like, it was the first time that like a physical thing like that has sort of transmuted itself into an emotional appeal to get me to pay attention.

It was like a depression shit. Yeah. Yeah. We're bringing this up into sort of a mental illness-based need to shit yourself. Yeah, it's been upgraded. Yeah. Your appeal has been upgraded. The next level is super.

suicidal ideation, so get on this. We're going to get this out one way or another. Yeah, the alert system. Yeah. That's very exciting, Andy. We're just learning so many things about our body. Imagine what we'll know by the time we're like 60. Oh, God.

You know? Yeah, yeah. Would you like to go to three words from a listener? Yes, please. Andy, this listener is known as Smellasarius, or smelisorius. Smelisarius. Is that like a Sagittarius?

Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is in Smelisarius. I hadn't really thought. I always assumed that it was a dinosaur-based thing, but I think you might be right. It might be more like, yeah, Sagittarius. Oh.

Oh my goodness. Well, well, well, well. Well, and Smilisarius says, Hark, we got some more work. Words from this listener smell a serius. I love a hawk. Let's bring back the hawk. Yeah.

The haka. He's a harka. Anyway, and then we got the list of words. And then it says, also, good luck. Stay strong for the Big 500. Oh. Thanks, man. You can tell that this was from last year, October.

And then, yeah. So now you have to guess what the three words are. Maybe starting with the first word. Plaintiff. Oh, I'm so sorry, Andy. Not even... Well, yeah. Okay, you got a few letters in there.

The first word is flaccid. Okay. Flacid. Thigh. Second word is thigh. Flacid thigh? No. Hassel.

Flacid? Hasel. Can the... third word be Hoff? I was thinking about David Hasselhoff earlier in this conversation. When you said Hoffman, when you were talking about Daniel or David Hoffman, whoever he is, I was like, don't hassle the Hoff. I wonder if he ever says that.

So is it Hoff? Flaccid Hassel. No, the third word is Rasp. I hadn't locked that in. Oh. I was, my next guess was going to be Rasp. Yeah. Well, I would have pronounced it Rasp.

Rasp. As in the berry. Mm. Rasp, berry. Yeah. Um, okay. They really hit that, Hassel. They really hit that Rasp in the United Kingdom.

Yeah, they do. Rasp. Bery. Rasp. They basically have a cup of tea between the rasp and the berry. Mm. Um, so you know what a rasp is? It's like a coarse tool.

You know, a rough file with individual raised teeth used for shaping. wood metal or other materials? Yeah, yeah, they use them on horses' hooves sometimes when they're shaping a bit of that hoof. And then sometimes they use a... It's the sound, I would imagine, of using a rasp. I think that's exactly right. Yeah, it's crazy.

God must have run out of sounds when he, like, he reused the sound of, like, a monkey to do the rasp. He probably thought that was fine. He'd get away with it, like, reusing a password. But you know what, God, we're on to you. We're keeping track. He was like, it'll be fine.

I've put the horses on a different continent to the monkeys. Nobody's ever going to like hear both of those things. And then we were like going around. It's like God using doing the same jokes in his set. And, you know, is the same audience. going to hear them and think I've only got a couple of jokes. God's reusing sounds and, you know, we took horses all over the place. Imagine this. God has landed on earth, but he's completely flaccid and you have to rub him to bring him back to life. Oh. God's bones

are pneumatic. He does use a penis bone system. Like, we were built in God's image, but the image they were using was one from when he was fully erect. And God does go floppy. And, you know, when they say God moves in mysterious ways, that's because he wriggles it.

When he's not hard, he wriggles around like an octopus. He can sort of just like tense the muscles. And he can sort of twitch. a little bit. Yeah. But I can't quite walk around or hold any weight. He comes out of a rock pool like an octopus snatching a crab. Yeah.

That's kind of what it would be. One of the most upsetting things you've ever seen. Yeah. He's more octopodian or something like that. Yes. Octopoid. An octopoid. Okay.

Flacid God. Flaccid God. We love a God on this podcast. We are living, it's occurred to me, we are living in a time of like where philosophy is getting real. You know, all this shit with AI and communication and consciousness, like deciding whether things are consciousness, all this stuff that was like always just a bit academic. You know, always just like, oh yeah, it would be nice to know what consciousness really is. Oh, yeah, I guess, you know, how do we define life? How do I know if you're really real?

You're like, we can all sort of joke about it and chat about it. And yeah, we're happy for the philosophers to like go off on it for thousands of years. But everybody else knows it doesn't fucking really matter. Now it's starting to really matter. Like we are in a time where like in the last five years, this shit that people have talked about for thousands of years and it hasn't affected a fucking thing. Now it's all of a sudden it's like, shit, we need to know an answer right now. You guys have had 2,000 years to work this out, and we need the answer. It's just become really relevant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. What do you mean you still don't know? We gave you this assignment in Hellenistic times. Yeah. The deadline is today. Yeah. Yeah, I guess we're on the verge of these things. perhaps destroying everything.

Yeah. And that's exciting. That's exciting. And finally, Aristotle is relevant again. Mm. You know, I mean, because last time he was probably super relevant was like the invention of the university or whatever. They're like, yeah, categories for knowledge. Yeah, that's cool.

Mm. Mm. Should all the teachers and the students be bumming each other? He'd be devastated by the fact that you can't have... relationships with your students anymore. That was such a big part of Greek philosophy. Everybody's doing it. Everybody's rubbing up against each other all the time.

It might have helped as well with some of the thinking. You know, like, it's good to clear your head every now and then. Sure, sure. Yes, that post-dun clarity. That's what the Enlightenment really was. That was the Enlightenment's a completely different era, isn't it? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. But they do talk about, like, how the thing about Athens was that everybody was in there close together, right? What are the, what's the, what am I talking about? What am I referring to here? But like, that sort of bubbling pot of like, you know, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, just that people were, like, more connected with each other. Yeah, everybody's in the same place.

Yeah. It's a hot pot of thought. Yeah, people were able to spend time. There was enough comfortability of life that you weren't having to work all day long. But they were literally so close together that they were rubbing up against each other. Yeah. And that's what it was. That's how you need to be that close that you're like physically in contact,

jizzing and achieving that kind of clarity of thought that is a real philosophical level, a real Hellenistic golden age. Andy, I think we've taken this podcast to some beautiful places today. We've absolutely, every bodily function has been mentioned. Oh, God. And so I don't want to allow, you know, put the list. listener through much more other than rehearing it all again through the

reading of the sketch ideas. We've got the God is good conversationally and he's got a big joke of a big book of jokes and at the end of all his quips there's a photo of his biggest joke of all and it's a photo of you.

And we've got God is the host of a prank show which includes pranks like a normal town but everybody has butts on the front and on the back and I don't know who he's pranking there maybe a visitor somebody who's visiting?

No, well the one I think that got a bit confused because like for me the bit with the two butts that was when God was the host of an anthology TV show Twilight Zone style and he was creating these worlds just to make it more affordable to do the production so they didn't have to do special effects or whatever

and then he was just wiping everybody out at the end of the production. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was suggesting we keep them there for tourism dollars. But yeah. Then we've got pants with different zips. That was another sketch idea that we had. One that goes down the leg, continues down the leg,

so that, as you suggested, people think that they have a much bigger dick. And I had one that goes all the way around to the back. So that the pants separate into two pants. You know? When? How long ago? Okay. Well, okay, well, look, I will just finish the podcast. I will tell the listeners that Andy's recording has stopped,

and I will finish reading out the sketch ideas, and then I will say any things that Andy says. There's pants with different zips. I've already said that. We've got men shed, but this is guys at 65 shed their old skin, and then they get a young skin, but they're very vulnerable, so maybe they need to go with shed. We've got making a joke at a word meeting that it actually used to have, and it's very embarrassing for everybody.

We've got yelling out plants can see at a wedding in the speak now or forever, hold your peace moment, and manage to stop the proceeding of a wedding by eventually taking out your phone and showing them a reel, and that ends any night. We've got the Bluetooth phone zipper for pants that stops intercourse in its track. and we've got talking to your body after it dies. No, after you die and asking it if it really thought I was having sex with my beloved when I was masturbating. And there wasn't, what did we come up with for the, oh wait, there was a thing, I think I didn't write it down, but what was the hassle? Oh my God, wait.

Andy, are you still there? Flacid, oh yeah, it was Flacid God, of course. flaccid god falls to the earth and you've got to rub him until he becomes stiff again and can start gauding again because his gauding involves you know he's got to move his arms and stuff like that to do his spells and things like that he can't just think it um so yeah that's it and so andy hasn't said really anything and so i haven't had to communicate it but how is anything you want to say Oh, so we should do the song. I'll tell you what Andy's doing in his bit of the song.

Okay, let's go. Boobadoo do tits. Boopoo, boo do pooh la la la la la la la la la la pa pooh. And thank you very much. And thank you very much. We appreciate that you've listened to this episode. I think maybe one of our best. And, you know, keep up to good work.

Andy really doesn't want to say anything to any of you. I don't know what is going on. But take care and we love... Oh wait, Andy says, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. My recordings come back. Wait, his recordings come back. So I can say, we love you. You.

Bye.