Two In The Think Tank - 534 - "THE PATIENT WILL SEE YOU NOW"

Episode Date: July 14, 2026

Sketches TBCYou can purchase A Listener hats by emailing [e-mail] up on the 500th episode hereCheck out the sketch spreadsheet by Will Runt hereAnd visit the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here(Oh, and we love you) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Doong, bing, bing, bing, bing back, bing back, bing back, bing back, bing back, bing back. Hello and welcome to Turing the think tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Tromblay, Birchall. Yes, you are, and don't you ever let anybody tell you any different. Well, people do virtual tromblay around here, and also sometimes they hit the virtual, like it's a French name, go Berschal. Ah.

And how do you feel about that? I mostly let it slide. Because like the same way that I let Tremblay slide in Australia. Mm. You know. You just go... I mean, you're good. I don't think that I can fight the total population.

You know, the whole population. Yeah, of Montreal. Yeah. Or possibly even Canada. You know, they might all come together on this. to try and battle them. Well, that's what I think about, like, you know, people are like on the road when somebody does something wrong. They're like, what are you doing?

You can't do that? Then you go, what are you going to do? You're going to educate every single person? What's the plan here? Plan to work through society, educate every single person through yelling? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, how loud do you think you'd have to shout to educate the whole nation?

Yeah. I think this is a good idea. I think one big, one big teacher standing in the middle of Australia, yelling from the top of Uluru. We're not allowed to stand on Uluru, Andy. You're not supposed to walk on Uluru. Well, I mean, that's one of the first things that they'll educate us about. It's a beautiful teaching moment.

Teachable moment. Yeah. teachable moment. One big teacher. Yeah. And then would we have like a daily lesson or would it be every month? I think, well, I mean, it would be great if they were just always yelling and you could just sort of tune in. Just if you wanted to learn something.

You know, just turn your ear, your one big Australian ear towards Uluru. Like a useful madman. Exactly right. You know, like an educated madman. He's mad with knowledge. Alistair, there's constructive criticism. Yeah. Destructive criticism.

Destructive compliments. Oh, yes. I like the way that your shirt. I mean, I like the way that your gut stretches out your shirt like that. Oh, I love the way your gut makes those buttons hold on for dear life. I mean, we, we, is this just, is this just, is this just, is this just backhanded compliments? I mean, they're not real.

Oh, it's so perfumy. It's really sexy how badly you've filled out this form. Oh, you make the way I. walk look good. Is that a compliment? Yeah, I assume how terrible they walk. Yeah, okay, okay.

I mean, it relies on them to already... No, maybe not, maybe not. You know what? Alistair, I'll allow it. Oh, I'll let me... Your whole... Your whole... Your whole way of being reminds me of a computer

because oh, we'll just want to shut it down. I was like we should shut it down. I think you started really strong, and now I think you're losing your grip of what constitutes a compliment. Yeah, okay. Your entire being reminds me of a computer. You know that. Well, some people think...

You know that compliment. You know that classic. Okay. Oh, your eyes are so beautifully terrifying. No, terrifying isn't a great compliment. I've fucked it up. Yeah, no, no, no. I mean, you didn't.

I like to be just... I am myself a madman. Yes, a useful madman. Okay, wait, destructive compliments. I'll write that down. I mean, it would be great to be able... Because, I mean, there's some types of madness where from the outside it is very jealousy-inducing.

and you do think about it and you go like oh man I'd love a little bit of that you know people you know people who are like really driven yeah really really like insanely obsessed with work

and with detail and that kind of thing like oh could you could I get a little bit of a a madness transplant could we do a fecal transplant I get some of your attention to detail. I think I am obsessed with details, but I don't have the drive to work.

Sure. That must suck, because then you're just like, just disappointed and powerless. Yeah. About a whole lot of stuff. Yeah, Andy. Hello. Nice to meet you. Have you never met me?

My name's Alastair George William. Trombley virtual, Andy. You've got... You've got a beautiful ability to notice. Nothing. I'm trying to do a destructive compliment way, yeah. Yeah, no, no, no, I know. I was trying to help.

Yeah, thank you. But, I mean, I think adding nothing, that makes me fall into the same error I was falling into earlier when you were criticizing my compliments running astray. No, I, no, I mean, Alice, again, Like your first one, which was, I love the way your gut makes your shirt buttons cling on for dear life. I think that was a perfect encapsulation of it. That'll be in the dictionary.

That'll be the example they give. Of a destructive compliment? Yes. Thank you, Andy. Your ability to clarify is so good that it makes me feel bad about all the mistakes I've made. Yeah. Andy? Yeah.

Here's another, can I jump topic again? Yes, jump topic, please. Unless the topic is too high. No, that's, I mean, look, let's talk a little bit more about fecal transplants since I mentioned them before. Did you? And, yeah, yeah, yeah. I flagged it as like maybe one of the ways I would be able to get some of the specific madness of a person. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.

But, like, as we become more and more obsessed with the gut and more and more, like, into this idea of fecal transplants, being able to treat mental illness and that kind of thing. Yeah. I think we'll get to the point where, like, if we had a new Einstein, if he died, no what, you know, nobody would be interested in his brain, right? If new Einstein died. They'd throw that, yeah, yeah. Because you know how old Einstein he died? Everyone was like, let's chop his brain up. Let's, I can't wait to get my hands on that brain, just chop it up and have a look.

I watch a documentary where a guy just wanted to have a slice. He was just like a Japanese man. He just wanted to have a slice of Einstein's brain. Did he want to do it for like science or do you just want it? No, mate. He just wanted it to have. Yes, nice to have. It is nice to have.

Really ties the room together. Nothing's, place didn't feel complete. Where would you put it? Without a little slice. I mean, I'd build it into a, if it's really thin slice, I'd build it into a lampshade. Oh yeah, that's good. But then it'll lose its colour over time, probably.

You think it would fade? Yeah. Sorry, Einstein's brain didn't used to be that, that weird white colour like that. It used to be a vibrant grey. A vibrant grey. Yeah, so then, so you think there was a new one, there was a new one, a new ironstone. They'd want to scoop out his butt.

Scoop out his butt. They'd want his poop. Yeah. For, to study it. Because we've decided that poop is the... What's the dinosaur? The seat of consciousness. The dinosaur one.

Oh, uh, coprolite. Coprolite. The fossilized dinosaur. Pornosol poop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They think you get an Einstein cropolite, coprolite. Coprolite, yeah. Coprolite does sound closer to like a 1960s plastic, you know.

It does, yes. I was going to say it sounds like an aircraft, you know. Yeah, that's true as well. It's just in a coprolite flying around, sightseeing, low over the city. Maybe you would give to the police. I mean, not give, but design for the police. You know, like, obviously you're going to make a profit on this scene. You know, you could make something fly.

Yeah. By just chucking stuff downwards, couldn't you? Conservation and momentum, like, if you were a good enough chucker, like if you were the world's greatest baseball pitcher. Yeah, right? Chuckmaster. You could. And you were trying to get away from the police, right?

Yeah. You could jump into one of the buckets of baseballs at the... Like, I imagine at the baseball stadium, they've got a huge crate full of baseballs. Okay. And the cops are coming for you. You look around, there's no way for you to escape. Yeah. Okay.

So you leap into the crate and you start chucking all the baseballs straight down. Okay. At the ground. And you throw them so hard. From inside the tub. So you have to leave over the side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. and you're just throwing ball after ball after ball.

Yeah. And the momentum that you give them downwards. Yeah. Conservation momentum-wise, that lifts you up into the air. Yeah. And you could fly out of the stadium. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And maybe what you could do is jump at the same time so that the bucket's a bit less, you know,

the crate is a bit lighter while you're getting that upward moment. I don't think that that's not going to work. That's not going to help. Well, could you just get a, get a, fill up your shirt with balls? Yeah. And then just chuck them so that you can just use them like a jet pack. Yeah, I think you could. I think he could.

If you get enough balls. Yeah. Yeah. That's how good you are. Why carry the whole crate with you? It's like it's that same issue with the jet fuel and getting into space. I love, I love that this is the thing that you've focused on. Well, because, you know, the more balls that you carry, which is your fuel.

Let's accept that this is, this is, this is, this is. possible. But let's also accept that being able to lift the crate as well, that's insane. Well, it's definitely, you know, what's the crate made out of you? You think it would? Crate implies wood. That's, you would never make a rocket out of wood. What, have you never seen a baseball crate? You've never, you've never been down to, what's one of those, what's a baseball stadium? Famous base, old, uh, old river, river joint stadium. Well, we can say the Olympic Stadium in Montreal,

even though the Expos have been, obviously have not played there for at least 25 years, but, and they got, you know, I think they became the Generals or whatever. Boston Generals, who is it? But, you know, people still wear the Expos hats around here to try to keep their spirit alive. That's great.

That's a really good thing to spend your time. on. Well, I think it's just putting on a hat. I don't think it's actually adding any time to your to your day. No, but to to make a part of your identity, you know, I love that. I like the people who are still, you know, representing the Footscray Lions. Yeah. An AFL team. Yeah. That probably ended, I don't know, 40 years ago. I mean, you got to say, it's like, it's like, it's like, oh, man, I'm glad you're wasting your time, putting up that photo of that dead person that you miss. Trying to keep them alive

and some of some memory. Yeah, good one. You know they're dead, right? Yeah, you know. They're good use of your time, mate. What do you do so hard and productive? Good use of your time having that on the wall. You could learn something.

Like how to deal with grief in a healthy way, not in a time wasting way that destroys the economy. And the environment. And the environment. What do you think the carbon emissions were of making that picture of your dear grandma? Do you know how many, do you know how many, like, how you could get that energy back and how you could fix it?

You probably have to plant 50 trees. And you don't have to time because you're always remembering the fore. It's sick. It's sick. And sad. That's sad. Sick and sad. It's like an angry vomit. You, oh, you're, you're, you're, you're, your, your, beloved, that's sad. Oh, you're crying. That's sad. Oh, that's sad, actually. That's really sad.

Oh, you just sit alone at home. wishing that you they had taken you instead of them that's sad that's a sad why to live your life yeah do you think trump has stopped texting all caps calling people sad and losers yeah and sick do you think he stopped doing that i'm not sure i have i don't i'm not on truth social but yeah i haven't seen but maybe now that he's sad and a loser maybe he doesn't want to remind people. Everyone else seems relatively happy. Yeah, maybe that's what it is.

I am sad, do you think if he was asking for help? That's how he would do it. I am sad. I am sad. I feel like a sick loser, the failing Donald Trump. Presidency? Yes. Wait.

No. very um i don't know when you say a loved one you know yes could we just say a loved you know it's like a loved one a loved two yeah a loved two because i mean i i don't think that we're actually using the one to denote the number of people i guess we people used to use one to mean to refer to a person why would one do this? They used to refer to themselves. Yeah. Right?

But like, but it was kind of like to refer to themselves and try to make the statement general so that it applied to everybody. Yeah. I wonder which one wonders, which came first. Do you think it was the number one or the one of one? Mm. And then I think, you know, because like maybe people were like one referring to an individual, right? And then they were like, you know what else is one? This orange.

Like, as in that's the number one? Well, there's the same number. They would say, there's as many oranges as there are me. Mees. That was what they used to say. That's how they would normally say. Right before they had numbers. Yeah.

And then I refer to myself as one. How would one do this? then but then at the time you wouldn't say that that's the number you're not referring to yourself as a number but no no no

they were just making the comparison they were just noticing a similarity and so then when you started referring to the orange as one you were referring to it initially as it being sort of as to its personhood

you were referring to the specific element of its personhood being that there are the same number of it as there are yous but it was just a coincidence that there was the same number and then people start to misinterpret it as meaning there must mean one because there's the same he keeps referring to the similarity between him and this orange he must mean the number of people the number of them that there are that's the only similarity I can see

Yeah. Yeah. This is going to be a great sketch about the invention of language, the early days of language. Of using the number one. Yeah. And using the word for one that we had for referring to one's self. This is one of the moments where I really envy the listeners getting to listen to this kind of stuff. Andy, this is honestly my favorite sketch of the whole episode so far. Yeah. I mean, it would be interesting to take the oneness, you know, the singleness out of an object.

Yeah. To be able to extract that as a property, you know. I think, I suppose with, that's what Buddhists are trying to achieve with the death of the ego, right? now this is me completely not knowing anything about Buddhism and then misunderstanding the no knowledge that I do have about it. But like I think that, you know, when they talk about we're all one, you know, becoming one with the universe or whatever, they're also sort of saying ceasing to be one, ceasing to be an individual, you know. And they, so they are through meditation trying to remove the. singleness, the oneity from being an individual, from an individual.

And it would be great if we discuss, once they've done it, once the Buddhists have cracked it, what we'll do is we'll study them. We'll look at what changes in their body when they become, when they cease to be in that way. Right. We'll be able to detect it somehow and we'll be like, oh, it was just, you know, particle. Or it's actually, you know, the loss of a specific chemical, sodium bisulfate hydroxide. And when that goes, then you cease to be a single entity.

And then we'll be able to remove that from other stuff, right? So get an orange, right? And remove from that orange, whatever it is that makes it one orange. By scoff. By Biscoff. Removal. the Biskhoff. By Biskoff night.

And then we'll have, not an orange, we'll just have orange. We'll just have the concept of orange. It's, yeah, so it's not an orange. It'll be an orange that is connected to all oranges. I think it might be. You'll be biting into all orange. Yeah. Just a piece of all orange.

Oh, wouldn't that be great? Yeah. All oranges are connected. But only when that chemical is gone. That's actually a blocker. It stops you. That is true, isn't it? Like, all oranges are connected.

Like, if say there were four oranges in the world, right? Yeah. And then one of the properties of every individual orange would be the fact that it is one of four, right? That is part of its, that's one of its properties. You can't deny that that that. is something about that orange. It's really hard to do to know. You could take one of those oranges to the other side of the world, right, and burn it, okay?

Yeah. Now, all the remaining oranges are now one of three. They have fundamentally changed, okay? But how could they have known, how could they have known that the orange is wide less orange? You changed that other orange without even interacting with it. I think that's, that's, how did I do that? I was on the other side of the world. Yes.

How could it have known it? It was, and that change was instantaneous. Yeah, I mean, that's the, the weird thing about information compared to other things in the universe, is that you can sort of makes a lot of it up, you know? Yeah, you can just sort of say anything, can you? Like, because there's kind of like infinite angles that you can. can sort of get information about it from. You go, well, that's the one that's the most there. And that's a bit of information about that thing.

And then you can say, well, I've never seen an orange that has been so there before. I'm trying to find a second property because I just said infinite and I've got to think of at least one more. Oh, okay. I thought you were still talking about that first property because it was so rich. It was very rich. Well, it is definitely the most there. It's also the least in my grandma's hand at the moment. It's true.

Because my grandma's holding another orange. Yeah. So would you say that the orange then contains an infinite amount of information? I think so. I mean, I don't know if it contains it. I think that we can make information. extract information from it. But I don't know if it's coming out of it,

or it's coming out of our perception of it. I would love to, for the people, and we're always giving CERN good pointers about what they could be doing with their time. But I think they should try and see if they can identify a particle that gives things their property of not being in my grandma's hand.

if they're able to find, you know, because it is just another property. It's like mass. You know, is there a field? Is there a field that permeates the universe that gives objects whether their property of being

or not being in my grandma's hand? I do think that there's an element in which when we categorize things, when we give things names, I think that sometimes we create something that is not necessarily an actual thing. We are, you know, like, an example is honor. Okay, this man has honor, right?

Now, it's a description of some way that we believe in people should behave or something like that, right? But it's also not necessarily a real physical. it's not a thing that you could ever point your finger at. Right? So I think that that there is possible that there's things that exist in physics and things like that that were like, this is this. You know which one I feel is a bit like that? Entropy.

Hmm. Yeah? You think entropy is like honor? I think it's a bit like honor. It's one of those ones where it doesn't feel like, I don't know, it feels that we've kind of gone like, oh, this has got this. This does this sort of like that And it's a bit Vagre

Without And I say this From the point of view A guy who really doesn't know a lot About entropy All right But when they're like This has a lot of entropy

And this has a little bit of entropy I feel like most of the time When people are Saying that They're sort of guesstimating Okay I think it's sort of like It's sort of like

The Umami It's a bit woo-woo Of physical, yeah, of like, of SI units. I don't know if there's an SI unit for... Yeah, it feels like one of the least scientific concepts in science, right? Yeah. Entropy is everything's a bit sort of just like do a sort of stuff messy and things are happening and it's, you know, just a bit chaos. it's just like a bit of a vibe.

Yeah. It's a lot more vibey. And I think that they can, it's easy to demonstrate with like clear examples, like when they have like a box of nails or a mixed up nails and then they shake it and they all align themselves. And they go, see, perfect example of going from high entropy to low entropy, or however, which one it works.

Right? Why did they have to go with high and low and not go with ordered and disordered? You know, even that annoys the fucking shit out of me. Really? You know, like, like, why, why use high and low when that is already has a meaning for, like, I mean, I guess we use that for all numbers, but, but like, you know what I mean? Like, it's like, it's like, that already has a physical meaning. Yeah, I'm afraid, Alistair, I can't, I can't get old.

I can't get close to your level of annoying the fucking shit out of you. You sup high and low to denote numbers that are bigger or smaller than other numbers. Okay, so if you don't know what entropy means. I want to be with you on this. I want to stand shoulder to shoulder. But think about it from the point of view is most people don't know what entropy is. Right? Yes.

So if you say high entropy, low entropy to most people, it will tell them nothing, right? Yes, it's jargon, it's gatekeeping. It's gatekeeping, right? You need a monk to read it to you, right? You need a person who is informed to read it to you, right? If I tell you height, right, if I tell you height, right, for example, to the average person, and I sort of try to explain what it is, and then I go high, low, you'll know exactly,

what I'm talking about. Right? Like, now we're talking about height, like, like, being up a tree or something. Being up a tree, high love. Yeah. Yeah, right. But if you were like, if you flipped it, right, and you had a scientific term where you're like, you say, oh, that person up the tree is disordered. Now, now we're like, what?

What does that mean? Disordered. Oh, it means high. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's just what we call it. That's what we call height in science. In order. And it's like it's not even order.

It's this other thing called entropy. You go, come on, you guys are being fuckheads. Let's make everything easier to understand because people, we are losing people. We have lost a lot of people. They can't even try to understand science. I mean, have we lost them? I mean, they never did, right? Yeah, that means they're lost.

I don't know. I don't know. I think they just saw where they were. I can't tell them. We haven't found them. We haven't found them. I don't know if we've lost them. I just don't know if we've found them.

Andy, they were all, they were, every person that went to school was, was introduced to science. That's true. And at that point, science had them within its grasp. Ah, yes. You see, they were in, in grabbing range. within the range of its tentacles. Yeah. And so, I don't know.

I'm just saying, I'm just saying, some better terminology for entropy because it's starting to feel a bit woo-woo. I have been thinking about, like, it feels like entropy is like one of those things where it wasn't supposed to happen. Like, the universe was like,

like, entropy feels like the difference. between theory and reality. Like, if God did make the universe, God wasn't thinking about entropy. God wrote all the, like, nice, neat little laws about, like, this is how gravity is going to work, and this is that, and this is that. And then entropy is like some thing

that God did not even think of. And it's like, oh, everything's going to get really messy, really quickly. And you're not going to be able to keep track of it. Like, you know, God sees everything, but I don't think he keeps track of entropy. Like, I think entropy is when God stops being able to... He just gets overwhelmed and he's like,

I don't fucking know, it's just a mess, in it? It's just a fucking mess. I had all these atoms all neatly lined up, and now they're just all over the place. Who did this? You think... Fucking hell, I can't be expected to stay on top of this shit. Would you say that then that to be upset about entropy

is like, is close to godliness? It's got exactly right. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I mean, I think there's definitely things like that where they discover things like, you know, like that, that order that randomness has. Like, you know how they're like, randomness has a pattern to it? I don't know about this. I hate this.

It's a way that they can, they can see if, like, some fraud has occurred. Oh, financial crime? Yeah. Is this something about, like, like, like, the number one or something, shows, should show up more often than other digits for some fucking reason. There's a pattern to, yeah, to the frequency certain numbers should be.

Yeah. Absolutely insane. Even if that is true, it shouldn't be allowed to be true. We as a society should say no, no. Yeah. We've got to fucking draw the line somewhere, okay? Well, there was an interesting thing I saw. And I want you to know that I don't, I didn't watch this because I was interested

in gambling. But there was a set of reels, a guy who He does like mathematical models of people's strategies at the roulette table. Right? And then he runs them like 10,000 times, right? To show, you know, whether or not they win or they lose and every single one loses. But then there was a guy who proposed the I'm due for a win model, which is you wait like 200 spins or whatever. And then you pick the least used number.

from that from that 200 spins like the ones that didn't hit the most and and then you you run with those numbers for the next however long and and it was the first one I ever saw that went positive in the in the first in the first running and so even the guy was like oh that's weird because you know like they all suck every single strategy sucks that one seems like it should suck even more, right? Like, that's, that's not even, there's nothing even close to being scientific about that. I know, but it was, it was, and then there was a second where it's like, you could see that he allowed it to flash in front of his own mind, like, this possibility that there is this, like, this sort of universal pattern. Yes.

That things are supposed to kind of land in. And therefore, you know, those, like those, yeah, it was just. like the universe fixing those gaps and then it was allowing you to win. But then he ran the test again. He ran him again with bigger numbers and it again started to fail. But he did run some really big numbers. And I think that it was there was this thing where he was like, it's just that sometimes you have such big wins with it that if you,

it was just, yeah, I have no idea. I don't think that it is a winning strategy. I just thought it was like a weird little quirk that maybe if you even just run these models enough times, occasionally, even if you run it 10,000 times. Occasionally you'll get 10,000 where you'll win a little bit more than usual. And so it will just seem like it's a bit more winning, but it's like you just had a good 10,000.

That's all. Yeah. On average, you won't get a good 10,000. I mean, it's really fun. It's really fun. I love that, that's a possibility. Yeah. I mean, what it is, like, what you saw flashing in front of his eyes was his, like, his inbuilt

program, because this is the structure of the human brain, right? Like, we are built to not understand these things. Right? We're trying to understand these things using hardware that was built specifically to not understand them. That's always what I end up feeling. They were trying to stop us from understanding this stuff. Yeah, yeah.

like I always end up feeling about about the brain is that we are running we are we are using really old hardware to try and run really sophisticated modern programming and it's fucking crazy that it works at all that I can even like comprehend the existence of a television when my brain was built to like never that my brain was like well that'll never come up in evolution that'll I'll never have to understand how to use a remote control. Yeah. I won't. And then I'm like, well, I have got these sort of these circuits here that are used to recognize different types of poisonous berries.

We're not using those anymore, so I suppose you could probably use those to understand which of the buttons turns it on. I guess you could think of that as being like a healthy berry. The red, okay, so the red button is a healthy berry for the television. And when I press something... Okay, I've got that. And it makes me feel bad. That's like a poisonous berry, and it makes me angry. And I should, and I should fear that button.

Yeah. Which button's that? Which is the button that gives you diarrhea? Yeah. well that's often the there's often one that's like you know how like sometimes with TVs you press a button and it just takes too long to load that thing

like sometimes it's like the channel pro you know like the section where it shows you where all the channels all are and it gives you a little preview or whatever like that it takes too long to get to it does take it takes ages and like if this was TV I want you to know that if you were a computer

nobody would buy you that's fucking insane and how long you're taking to load this up. Single use TV. I think you think you're a computer, but you would never take it. You'd never make it as a computer. I want you to know.

Computers are laughing at you. There are too many buttons on remote controls. People talking about this? What percentage of the buttons on your... Andy, they were 35 years ago. What percentage of those buttons? Do you reckon you use? I reckon it's like,

lucky if it's 5% of, I'm looking at a remote control right now. Yes. Yeah. Truly blessed. That's a guy who's just randomly pressing buttons and always hitting the right buttons.

Only the buttons that he uses, that he needs with luck, and that's about 5% is what he needs. Yeah. Yeah, because what is it? Five percent is what? Like, so there's 20 buttons and you use one. It's way more than 20 buttons on a remote control.

Way more. But I'm just trying to allow the listener to visualize how many buttons. You know, let's say if the listener's never seen a remote control. I'm walking around the room looking for remote control. But would you believe it? Can't bloody find it. Isn't that classic? That's a classic remote control thing.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like a pair of scissors. Where the fuck are they? Where are they? Where are all the scissors, Andy? Man. That has been plaguing me the scissors conundrum.

I told you about my thing, right? Whereas I was like, the scissors, where are they? Oh, you did. Right? And then I was like, we just need a pair of scissors for every drawer. And then one year for my birthday, Indiana bought me 20 pairs of scissors. Right? And we put one on every drawer.

Within about four weeks, couldn't find a single pair. and it wasn't until we were moving house and emptying everything out and we suddenly just like one pair you know like you would find we probably only found still like six pairs but they were all gone

it doesn't matter it doesn't matter how many pairs of scissors you have yes you just need like a like a a scissor delivery system that deliver scissors to your house every week What about a machine? This is a sketch idea. A machine sits on your desk and 3D print scissors. Whatever you need, this is the only way to get scissors.

I don't even want to wait. This will make scissors. To make one automatically. And then as soon as you take that pair out, it starts to make another one and they wait there. So that when you lose that pair of scissors. Yeah, there's already one waiting. Yeah. I'm sick of it.

I'm absolutely, I'm ropeable, Andy. I'm ropeable. I think, you know how people at RMIT, the university down here, there's always something going on. Students at RMIT have built a house using old bottles, you know, something like that. Students at RMIT are developing a machine that can make a house out of discarded plastic. They should make a house out of scissors, right? Yeah.

Every element of the house is scissors. And... From all the... They sort of... They found them in the void, like the void that they go to, where they disappear to? Maybe they can have,

but really the idea is that they're just building a house completely out of scissors so that you'll always have scissors. Okay, okay, so you can just pull off part of the wall. Yeah, it's like the witch who lived in a gingerbread house. the witch that lives in the gingerbread house. That's right. But instead of loving candy and, you know, sort of sweet baked goods,

she loves cutting the tag off of a secondhand shirt you bought. Correct. And then, I mean, man, that little plastic thing that they use to hold those tags on. Yeah. They really want you to rip a hole in the shirt pulling them out. They really want you to get a new shirt and a nice, beautiful, crisp new, secondhand shirt from the op shop and then rip a fucking hole

in the sleeve. That's right. Immediately. They're already starting the damage that will lead to you buying another shirt. Anyway, hungry,

Hansel and Gretel skipping through the forest they come across the house made of scissors. They immediately fall upon the scissors and start eating them filling their bellies and start cutting them

With... With... ...cutting their hair. Sweet, sticky scissors. Delicious taste of scissors. Mm. Yummy, yummy. Yeah.

And then they... And then out comes an art... sort of an art teacher. Yeah. Because I guess, I guess which is like baked goods. And our teachers love scissors. Yeah. And she says, I'd love to...

What did you want to do? I'd love to make a mosaic of both of you. Oh, great. So, where she freeze them and then smash them with a hammer? That's right. Fries them. It tips them into a big thing of liquid nitrogen. Liquid nitrogen.

Yeah. And breaks them. But then who comes? Who comes and saves Hansel and Gretel? Hansel and Gretel. I think they save themselves. They push the witch into the oven. That's right.

They get real fat, right? And then they push the witch into the oven. They have so much energy from all that. that food that I've been eating. And so this one, they, I guess, before they're lowered into the liquid nitrogen, I guess while she's sort of taking it out of her incredibly cold freezer. Yeah, they get her to lean over the vat to check that it's cold. Yeah, to dip her finger in and check, check that it's cold enough.

They kick her in her in her buttuck. She goes in head first. going to be the worst way to go in, I think. Yeah, and she'll have that big pointy hat on. I mean, she won't make a splash. She'll have beautiful entry into that vat. Art teachers don't have a big pointy hat. They have, like, red reading glasses.

Red reading glasses and floral pads. Yeah. I forgot she was an art teacher. Red-framed, interestingly shaped reading glasses. Yeah. What about this, breeding glasses? Oh, okay, go on. That's just a set of ivyators.

Oh, yeah. Tell you what. I mean, sometimes I do think that, like, in the act of lovemaking, sometimes as a man, there are moments when it's good to not be too present, you know, to not really focus too much on what's. happening for various reasons. Sure, yeah, of course that would be a good time to remove that chemical from your, from your brain or whatever that.

Oh, to cease to be. Yeah, that by Biscofness. I imagine that would really make. Because then once you become one with all of other humanity, the average closeness that you are to orgasm will reduce dramatically. It's diluted. Everybody's closeness in the world rises. but yours goes down a bit.

That's right. So then some glasses that make everything blurrier would be good. I mean, you could imagine somebody who's not wearing glasses, but then maybe they go and they're performing sort of a sort of lower down task that they would put on their reading glasses for that. I just need to see what's going on. To do a bit of close-up magic. You know?

Maybe a magnifying glass. Oh, great. One of those things that goes over your eye, like if you're a guy who inspects gems. Yeah. Sorry, I'm just, I want to make sure I get this right. Yeah. That's really great, Alistair.

It's, um... Yeah, what is it? What is it? It's a spectacle. It's a monocular. Hmm. It's, of course, it's your, it's your cunealinguish microscope.

That's right. And maybe a, maybe a cunolingus telescope for phone sex. Beautiful, beautiful, lovely stuff. Do you think that when the telescope was invented, it was used, like everything, for pornography? Poignography?

People to, do you think, two astronomers standing on top of their observatories? Was it Galileo? How long did he take that, did he take before he pointed that thing that he pointed at the stars down at the windows of his neighbors? I mean, I reckon that was what he was doing, first, the first thing he was doing. Somebody came up and said, what are you doing up here, Galileo?

And he was like, um, I'm going to name. Saturn has rings around it. He just said something off the top of his head. I mean, I'm observing the rings of Saturn. Do you think Galileo ran a little like side project of selling telescopes to perves?

Yeah. I mean, I think there's a fun little sketch in that. Because, I mean, how did he support himself? Was he a big science guy? Was he a big, like, you know, was he working for science? I think he was a pretty big science guy. I mean, maybe, did he have a patron?

I reckon he sold telescopes. Well, Jimmy, can you look that up? Did he sell? Jimmy? Did he sell telescopes? Yeah, he did. Yeah. So, he said here he sold telescopes.

I know that William Herschel who discovered, is it Neptune or Uranus? One of those ones, he sold telescopes. To perves? To perves? To perves. Too filthy perves. Do you reckon the guys running the Hubble Space Telescope?

Yeah. When it's offline. You can book time on it, can't you? You can book time on the Hubble Space Telescope. Do you think they have to do a kind of vetting program? Are they? Can I book it, but you're not allowed? to look at what I'm looking at?

Yeah. Because it's a bit, that's the problem with the, with the Hubble is that it's like getting your photographs developed at the, at the chemist, you know, at the pharmacy.

Yes, exactly. You know that there's at least one person who's looking at them before you get a chance. Yeah. Yeah. I want to be alone with it. Yeah.

And you turn it around, you point it down at the earth and you purve on people. Yeah. On your neighbor, Gareth. You could purve on yourself just to see. Oh, that's nice.

You use it to do a dick pick. It's like being perved on by God, I imagine. But imagine sending that. If you're sending a dick pick to somebody who's like knowledgeable in aerospace and things like that, you get a Hubble dick pick. That's a nice one to get. You get to see what the red shift is on your deep blue shift, redshift. You know that sort of old kind of like trope of like, oh, I don't know how that one got in there.

Yeah. Of like you're showing photos, right? And then there's like one embarrassing one in there. Yeah. Like, oh, I don't know how that got in there. Be really embarrassing if you're presenting the latest findings of the Hubble Space Telescope to the, to a global audience live on TV. And then like in there, there's a picture of your.

penis in amongst all the photos of distant galaxies. I think we did already basically come up with this idea in one form. There was a thing about where, where, where, was it like Bill Clinton gets to look at the first photos from the Hubble Space Telescope. I think because there was something sexy up there.

Yeah, or maybe it was, it looked exactly like your mum's bum. Yeah, I can't remember what. I think it was your mom's bum. Yeah. Man, we only have like three ideas. Yeah. And we just like come at them from different directions over and over again.

It's a cloaca-based thing. What if a cloaca was in this, you know? And then it's sort of like everybody's wrong about something that we don't understand at all. We're irrationally angry about something we don't understand. Yeah. And I think that's fine. I think that's fine. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, we fear the unknown. What? We're just simple apes. Yeah. What if we were excited about the unknown? What if every day you went into the unknown with joy and vigor? Well, I did hear somebody saying recently that the reason time goes faster as you age is because,

you are not having as many new experiences, right? And those are the things that your brain uses to create its sense of the passage of time. And that has really opened my eyes to the fact that, like, I probably do need to do some more new stuff. Because that's really not how I operate. Like I, yep, that's it. Yeah, no, I agree. I agree. Like, every day feels the same at the moment, mostly.

Yes. I'm only doing about four things. You know, I think that is a function of parenting. Yeah. And adulthood, but I think, you know, kind of makes me want to, like, sell everything and buy a big bus and drive around. Yeah. Going from town to town, solving crimes with a talking ape. With a what?

Talking ape. Yeah. That would be really good. And occasionally call it. in and see my children. Yeah. Who are now living on the street. Because I sold my house.

Well, I might always call them. Sometimes I'll just get them to talk to my ape. But I, you know, I'll sort of give the ape. I'll run down to the things I want to say. Yeah. It's my ape, PA. There is a... Can't spell ape without PA.

So... selling everything I mean I think just the idea of this family felt like they were in a rut you know like one of those sort of like news

Every day is the same guys feel good story these guys felt like this family felt like they were in rut so the dad decided to sell the house and buy a big By a big bus, a big tour bus.

They used to be used by mental as anything. And hit the road with a talking ape and go solve crimes in different towns. And then it becomes clear that he's not brought his family with him. But his sense of adventure and there's still a good feeling to what he's doing. There is still a nice sentiment. Yeah. But it's built on a rock-solid foundation of neglect. Yeah.

Yeah. But so are most great works. That's true. Oh, absolutely. I mean, you know, when... Who's the go did the Sistine Chapel there, Michelangelo? When he did that, he was neglecting his shoulders. That would have been hard on the shoulders.

That's right. You know? That's right. it would be crazy. Do you think that he ever thought he's ever suggested, could we for a little bit just turn the chapel upside down? Could we rotate it? That's a joke. That's a joke that Valamina Kunk does in her Kunk on life.

Really? Yeah, she says, did he paint it on the ceiling? Or did they paint it on the floor and then flip the building upside down? Wow. That was. Wow, I could almost work. That's Kunk level. You did Kunk level comedy.

some kunk level stuff. Yeah. I mean, that is the most delightful format to write for. Yeah. It's the, it's the, they've done, they did it.

They did, they cracked exactly what you would want. And like, and, and I love that like, they've got her sitting there in front of these experts and a lot of the time they'll just have her asking the question and they'll cut away

before the expert even fucking answers. You know? Like, it's just a they've just used just enough of the structural um uh elements of one of those documentaries to give the jokes legitimacy just it's just a scaffolding and then they'll just like now that we've got this scaffolding you just need that person sitting there looking old and serious and then you can say anything and then cut away to something else it doesn't matter because that's all you need yeah and and you know who's

one of the people behind the Philomena Cunk. Charlie Booker. Bloody Charlie Brooker. And his co-writer Ben Cadell, who I don't know who that is. Ben Cadell. Yeah.

I mean, that guy, he's bloody cracked it. Yeah? Ben Cadell? Yeah. No. Charlie Brooker. Yeah. And he's kind of just done his own thing, isn't he? Yeah. What a legend. Yeah. I think, you know, it really does just

take for you to like push push a little bit for maybe like five, 10 years to push pretty hard. And then after that, once you're in the rhythm of just getting things, then I guess, then you're bloody, I think it's probably never easy, probably. I think I've heard people say that. They're like, actually, you never actually have to stop pushing hard. Yeah. And I think once you think it's easy, you probably start making crap. Yeah.

I just mean the getting the opportunity to actually make things. I don't mean... Sure, sure, sure, sure. Things don't just fall in your lap time and time again. Yeah. Except for while you're having sex with someone, you know, and they're sitting, you're sitting down. And they're on top of you.

I suppose that's the only time if that happens. What'd you say? Even then, you've got to keep your eyes open and you've got to sort of, you know, grunt occasionally. Try and make sure that you're doing manly grunts. You know, sometimes you're like, in the moment you're like, oh, my grunts are becoming a bit sort of genderless. I want to fulfill my role. I had to leave. I walked out because these grunts were so genderless.

Is this not something that you think about, Alistair? Andy, I don't grunt. You know, sometimes worry that my... You've got a grunt. You've got a grunt. What, you're not grunting? I don't think I've ever grunted. No, you're sort of making noises. Grunt is probably the wrong word.

Sometimes you're making sounds. Sure. I mean, I guess there's unintentional... You know, and you've got to, you've just got to try not to giggle too much, like a school girl. No, no, you can't. Oh, his giggles are a bit too... They're actually too gender.

Yeah. Alistair, we better grab it. I'll go three words from a listener. I forget you got to go and go to your job. Andy, today we've got three words from a listener known as Nathan Graber. Or Grabber.

Ethan Graber. You know, but it does look like Graber. Graber. Nathan Graber. And I want you to know after the three words, after the three words, Mr. Graber or Grabber has given us either the praying emoji or the,

the high five emoji. I can't, I can never tell which it is. And Mr. Graber says, my three words are colon, and then there's three words there. I hope that that's a praying emoji. I've always used it like that. But if it's a high five, I might have sent some mixed messages to people. Sorry for your loss. High five. A high five of, you know, of sadness, of mourning. sure. There's a prayer. Yeah. I suppose you're just mimicking praying, a high-fiving God. It's a two-man prayer. I don't know what I just...

No, I don't know what I just... What did I picture there for a second? A two-man prayer. Two-man... Maybe I was picturing Fu-man Shu. I don't know what I was... I think that's what it was. It was just the rhythm of two-man. And prayer that kind of is the same length as shoe. Okay. You want to guess what the first word is?

It's true. It's like shoe. Um, um, doorway. What that? Doorway. Are you speaking away from the mic now? No, doorway. Doorway.

No, it's not. It's reverse. Oh. Um, uh, cowboy. No, sketch. Reverse, sketch. Reverse, sketch. reverse

sketch ideas Andy the last word is ideas you're kidding it is

it is that word I was for a second I got confused and I thought that I said when you said you're kidding and I said it is I thought I was saying it is I am kidding and so then

and so then I had to That's why I hesitated. So it is reverse sketch ideas. You got one, Andy. Yes, thank you so much. Now, when you picture that, I mean, well, the opposite of a sketch idea. Right? Somebody goes to see a doctor, okay?

Yeah. Classic sketch idea. I guess that's not really an idea. That's a setup. That's a context. But a scene. But what about this? Doctor goes to see a person.

Hey? a doctor goes and sees a person. Wouldn't that be great? If you were a patient, right, who had such interesting diseases that a whole lot of doctors come and book in and they all sit there in the waiting room, a bunch of waiting room full of doctors

and then it's like, the patient will see you now and the doctors, I mean, this is what the healthcare system should be like instead of the other way around. I can't believe that I, a sick person, having to go and wait to see the doctor, they should have to wait to come and see me. That's right. I'm sick. I'm exactly what they want.

Yeah. I'm a... I mean, this is the future of bloody socialists want. You've got to value yourself as a sick person. Yes. I got to pay you to make me better. You... Oh, what? Your purpose. I got to pay you to do the thing that you love. Your job? It's your job. It's your job. What doesn't your boss pay you? I've never heard of that.

A person, a customer paying a person to do their job. No. Sorry. I'm trying to make that work almost. I can't. No, no, I appreciate you trying. No, no, but I do like a guy who doctors are just begging to go see. All right, I'll let you look at me now.

Come in. Yeah, well, what do you want to look at? What seems to be the problem to you? Well, I think... What seems to be the problem with me? Oh, well, I've seen a mole on your neck that I'm just begging to diagnose. Could I take a biopsy? Mm-hmm.

All right, but it'll cost you. Cost you a zoo. Oh, cost you a zoo. Cost you a zoo. It's a world in which we pay with zoos. Zos is the currency. The current currency. Zoo does sound like it could be the currency of a Southeast Asian nation.

I hope that's not a racist thing to say. But if I found out that the zoo was the currency they used in Laos, I wouldn't be shocked in the slightest. You probably wouldn't even double-taic. No. I wouldn't even do a... single take. You wouldn't even wake up.

I wouldn't register it. Yeah. It would be like background noise to me. I'd probably put that on instead of listening to some Philip glass. Yeah. Just somebody saying that. The currency of Lao is zoo. The currency of Lao is zoo.

The currency of Lao is zoo. Anyway, reverse sketch idea. Better than silence. I think I might have to end this podcast. Wait, I had it. This episode of the podcast. I just had a quick question. It's a fly sitting outside of a restaurant and he says to a customer of that restaurant,

hey, there's a wait. There's a, there's some soup in my waiter. What do you think? That's a reverse sketch? Fly, there's some soup in my waiter. No, no, the fly says it to the customer. No, I've changed it. I've changed it.

And I've made it better. Oh, fuck. The waiter is eating some soup. The soup. You know, sitting there at a table. You know, sometimes you see the waiters having their lunch. Yeah. Right.

And sometimes they'll put on a hoodie and try and pretend they're not a waiter anymore, but you can see their little apron. You're not a real person to us. They're not falling in. We can see that you're not real. Yeah. Also, they'll be eating something that's like, clearly not on the menu. It's like a really big pile of eggs or something like that.

You're like, that's not on the menu. That big egg pile. You're only getting that because you know the person running the kitchen. Did you say fly, there's a what? Soup in my... There's some soup in my waiter. All right. That would be great.

if you were friends with a fly and you talked to a fly, that would be a great thing to say to the fly if you were at a restaurant. For some reason, a picture you're sitting outside, Alfresco. Yeah, you see the waiter having their lunch and they're eating some soup. Yeah.

It'd be a great thing to say to that fly. Here's our sketch ideas for this episode, Andy. We got one big teacher. We got destructive compliments. We got Guy angry with someone for wasting the time, for wasting time remembering a dead loved one. Yes. We've got one's origin as a number word.

We've got removing chemical from orange that makes it an individual and makes it connected to all orange. We've got scissor delivery service slash 3D printer system. Yeah. We got putting on reading glasses for kunnelingus or using a microscope or one of those gemites. things. Really good. We got Galileo selling telescopes to purves. We got using Hubble to purve and take a dick pick.

We got telling everything and selling everything and buying a tour bus and solving crimes with a talking ape but leaving your family behind. We got guy who doctors are begging to see and we got fly. There's some soup in my waiter. Alastair, this is a perfect example of the kind of episode that I feel happens when I'm not really mentally present the whole time. And then I have more influence on the episode. I feel like I felt like I'm not quite there. Like I'm sort of skimming along the surface of like my brain and scooping up stuff that just bubbles to the top whenever I say something.

But I'm not mentally engaged. Yeah, I don't think this is an episode. It's better this way. Yeah. I mean, I don't think it's. It's for everyone this kind of episode, but I do enjoy them almost more than any other. Great. Great.

That's good. All right. Bibi-b-b-b-p-p-pup-pup-pub-pap. Bibbib-da-pap-pup-pup-pib-dib-dib-dib-bip-pup-pup. Thank you so much for listening to In The Think Tank. Have a great week. Have a great week. Stay safe on the roads.

Stay so safe. Don't eat anything poisonous. And we love. Love. You. You. Bye-bye.