Two In The Think Tank - 538 - "IT'S CALLED UNCLEING"

Episode Date: August 14, 2026

Ranting Choir, Diversitycriticisacism, Uncleing, The AFL Umpire Spit, The Best of Dead Al Jolson, Jaywalking Purge, New Scales for Art That Aren't Good or Bad, Scale of Scales, Rarest Word Dictionary Negotiation, The Word Pitcher - Batman VillainListen to Alasdair's Bobby Logs Stories for kidsYou can purchase A Listener hats by emailing [e-mail] out the sketch spreadsheet by Will Runt hereAnd visit the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here(Oh, and we love you) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is an episode This is an episode This is an episode This is an episode This is an episode Hello and welcome to two in the think tank The show where we come up with five sketch ideas And I'm Andy Alistair

And I'm Alistair I'm Alist to George William Trumbly Abroch I'm going to get in before you say anything Yes Alistair Rare situation where we both went for lyrics Yes and the same rhythm I think Yeah well no

I was going to, I was, I, I, I quickly adjusted to, to match your rhythm and go non-lyrical content. Oh, you were a pure musician. I mean, no, that's how deep I was in the pocket. I was able to look over at you and you, you just gave me, you just gave me that little look that you give. And I knew that it was time for me to stop singing and make a sort of a weird noise instead. But it's a rare. And I think it's worth exploring the idea of a. a song where everybody's doing lyrics, you know?

And I don't mean like a, like a, like a, like a choir. Yeah. Okay, so not, so not like a cappella. Well, I think, I think, I think, yes, I think it ultimately is a form of acapella. Okay. Basically a song where everybody's singing a different song. Now, I don't know, you know, you know, because, because you think about it.

You think about music, right? And you can have music where everybody's playing the drums. You can have music where everybody's playing a guitar. Can you have music where everybody's singing? Yes, you can. It's called choral music or a cappella. Sure. But what about a different kind?

Or barbershop. What about a different kind of that that's much worse? Okay. So it doesn't, it's not beautiful like that lyrical music and it's not. It might be. It might be, we don't know, because whatever this thing is that I'm describing, nobody's tried it. And why do we know nobody's tried it? Because part of the description is that it is something that nobody's tried.

So if you are thinking, I've heard that, people have tried it, well, now it's not that anymore. It's something else. And that's what makes it so unique. So, okay, so you're just, you're pushing for a new type of music that fits within a certain style. You don't know what it sounds like. No. Okay. And do you want to put any more... I know you've already built some walls around it to contain it?

Yeah. I think I've more built walls around it to keep everything else out. Not necessarily to contain it. Sure. I... I want to write something down, Andy. I think we just have to, like... We just have to zero in a little bit closer. Yeah. I think, well, I think ultimately what I'm

probably am describing is a lot of people on stage shouting all at once. Okay. And then I'm somehow calling that music. Okay. Now, are they angry? Uh. A musical argument. Oh.

A rant. Like, I mean, it's a chant. What about, now? A mass rant. Yeah. You've heard of a chant? You've, it's a rant. Now, a rant already exists.

But I guess what makes this rant different... Go on. It's a chanted rant. See, that's what I'm... This interests me. This interests me. This interests me. Okay. Disinterests you?

No. Okay. This is a whole lot of people on stage. Yeah. All ranting. But maybe this rant, like, they're all angry... It's a bunch of angry guys. you know, but maybe

But they're too angry to join a choir the way that men often do or one of those pub singing things. Yes. And I'll tell you what it is. They're all up there on a they're all a bunch of probably sort of racist

uncles, right? They're all up there on one of those choir kind of stadium things, you know, little podium, whatever it's called, tiered. seating. They're all standing up there on seating. Very rude. And the conductor, right, who's standing down the front is probably just either a woman or somebody diverse. It looks like they're conducting

the orchestra, but actually that's who everybody on the stage is shouting at. What if instead of waving a little stick? What if instead of waving a little stick, they're holding up little pieces of paper with articles on them? that upset people. Now, these guys have got incredible eyesight. That's the only other requirement for being. I mean, Andy, you know, like the part of your idea where they're standing really far away, that is not have to be the foundational unbendable part.

I actually think it does. I actually think it does, Alistair. I'm sorry, but things have evolved. We're in a rapidly evolved. situation and that is now the core of the idea. So if you think you could take that out, there's nothing, there's fucking nothing left. There's nothing left for these guys and they already think they've had everything taken away from them because their privilege is under attack. Yeah.

So it has to be white guys, which will be... I think probably. Which makes it so easy to cast because they're so available. Although I will say this, I will say this. We're getting a lot of more high-profile racists from diverse origins these days, I feel like. I feel like, particularly within politics, I actually think that if you have a diverse background and you are a racist, you get opportunities that are not available to white people. because you offer a kind of a cloak of acceptability to some of the racism.

And this is where I... Oh, especially in the right wing, yeah. Yes, that's what I mean. In those right wing circles. Like, sorry, I just mean like, you know, if you can be on Sky News and you're like, hey, I'm a right wing talking point guy and I'm, you know, and I'm like, you know, I'm of Chinese descent. I'm indigenous. Yes.

Yeah. Any of that stuff. That's, I mean, front of the bloody lawn. You know, not for like a main hosting position, but definitely to be a guest. Oh, you'd be a contributor. Faux show. Yeah. Yeah.

And, you know, I think it's taking jobs from white racists. I mean, I think there is maybe a funny sketch. I just, as I was trying to write down my idea, I started that idea, I started writing down funny sketch. No, you said my idea, Alistair. Don't try and change history as I was trying to write down my idea on a separate pad called one in the think tank that I have running simultaneously. And I'm writing down all the good ideas that are. mine. I feel like we might have walked past a few things there.

Did you, did you at any point write down racist choir, shouting choir? I wrote down trance, ranting choir. Great, perfect. I mean, you know,

they already have songs of praise. Okay. This is Rants of frustration. Beautiful title. Do you ever think of, wait, oh sorry, do you ever think about how a conductor

is somebody in an orchestra but also somebody involved with trains? I think it's sort of like cross my mind. I'm more likely to think about how a conductor is somebody involved with trains but also somebody involved with

electricity. you know, and who is a wire. But I will say that if, with that one, you know, if you gave that conductor of an orchestra, if you gave him, if you made his little stick metal. Like a copper rod? A copper rod. And you had him conduct, say, on the top of a hill in a storm,

you might see a beautiful moment where a couple of those Venn diagrams begin to overlap. Yeah, that's true. Really? Yeah, yeah. I had a sort of a tanned uncle called Rodney that we called Copper Rod. What happened to him? Had. He's not my uncle anymore.

He's not my uncle. DNA test. He's been de-uncled. Turned out he was Bengali. Oh. And then we were just being really racist. And now he's not my uncle? No, he's not my uncle.

I guess if we found out that he wasn't a blood relative. I mean, that's a sketch, you know, to the news has done some tests, and it turns out that 25% of people who claim to be uncles at a family barbecue are not related to your family at all. You know, that they are just people, I guess they're sort of, it's called uncleing, right? and it's a trend, I guess, where people show up to family barbecues and events, gatherings, Christmases,

claiming to be an uncle. And they are able to sort of inval themselves into the family unit, eat the food, make inappropriate comments. But I think this crisis of fake uncles could be interesting, could be a scared shell. Andy, it's already written down.

Uncling. Fuck. Uncleing. Andy, that's so writable. Now, that's an idea. Uncling. Cousining, isn't as good because it's hard to find the role of the cousin in, in sort of your life.

You know, there's barely an occasion that I, I think this requires a cousin. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, sometimes it's like, my cousins will beat you up, you know? Like, there's that kind of thing. Like, if you're at school, there's a, you know, the possibility of, you know, threatening somebody with your, because I tell you what, what's good about that is that, like, my brother will beat you up or my brothers.

It feels like there's a bit of a ceiling on how many brothers you could possibly have. Yeah. Whereas cousins, it's like, that's an almost, that could be. an infinite number of individuals. Yeah. The sky is the bloody limit when it comes to cousin quantity. Depending on, you know, because the great thing, I guess, you know, about, you know, about that is it, you know, just through being white, people could think you're Irish, people could think you're French, that leads to the possibility of Catholicism. Catholic, what is the word?

Cosolitism. Catholicism. Catholicism. What is it? Catholicism. You got it. You got it. You got it.

And it was a beautiful moment. I think there were probably people on their feet at home. Yeah, they stood up. Hey, got it! Yeah, putting the two fingers up like I scored a goal in between the two big poles. Yes. People do that? And, eh?

Oh, is that why? I guess that's why in AFL, the guy puts his two fingers out. like that when you get a goal. So that's, oh, it's the big poles. The goal umpire. He does his two fingers. But really, he should, he should, he should put, he puts the fingers pointing straight out from his body to show a goal.

But really, he should put them up like goal posts. But you got to think about it. He becomes the ground. His body is the ground. He must be the ground. Then, then he should, he should lie down. Yeah, he should lie down. Or he should spit between his fingers to represent the path of the goal.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. His head becomes the footballer. Yes. Yeah. Beautiful. And he lays down and he spits between his upward pointing arms. And then it should land.

And with enough training, they should always be able to get it in between their legs. not, that's why they're wearing white. That's what they're wearing. Finally, finally, it lands on his crotch. He catches it in the end of his penis, in his, in his, in the tip of his penis. Yeah. And reabsorbs it into his body. And that's the way umpires, who do seem like quite skinny guys a lot of the time.

That's how they're able to. I thought that they often look like chunky sort of 55 to 60 year olds who probably could use to, you know, sit down and stand up a couple of times just so that their leg gets a bit of use. We must be looking at very different umpires. Yeah, maybe we are. I mean, the ones that are standing near the goals, what are they called?

The goal empires? Yeah, yeah, goal umpire. I don't know. Oh, see, oh, look, these ones. Maybe I'm thinking of cricket umpires. I think cricket umpires are often quite, I don't know. I think you must be just visiting different websites, Alistair.

You are really into those thick, C, umpires. Thick umpire.com, which is your homepage. I think for me, you shouldn't be able to tell the difference between an umpire and a butcher. Yeah, okay. I think you probably are just thinking of butchers.

No, no. But I'm not thinking of butchers, Andy. I'm just saying they should look like a butcher. I'm only thinking of butchers because that's what they look like. Yes. Only a couple of might have made it into the mix only in the confusion. Using deception and stuff that they just had at hand. Yes.

Like meat. Yeah. Those fingers, those are sausages. Look at this. they just slap a huge thick steak into somebody's face and confuse them with brute force to the head. Mate, you are cruising for a confusing. You are musin. Oh, cruising for a musin.

That's nice. That's nice. You could absolutely whisper that to yourself as you look at the calendar and see that you've got a day of, of creative workshops coming up soon. Oh, you are cruising for amusing. You could say that to yourself in the corridor as you look at the calendar pinned up there on the wall. Yeah.

And I will. Every single time I see that, a day filled with creative workshops. Hmm. You are, this person is quite aggressive towards themselves. You know what I actually think, is I actually think Andy I think that if I learned

to dance really well I think every aspect of my life would be better yeah but remember you tried to go to dance classes Alistair and you were and it was a huge nightmare yeah you had an awful time I had an awful time but I think I just have to

go I have to somehow learn without going to classes yeah you could be self-taught yeah or I could look at YouTube videos Was Mr. Bojangles self-taught? Look, I could be wrong. I think that's sort of part of his mythology, yeah, that he was sort of like a street dancing guy,

Tramp, who may have been one of the most gifted natural dancers of all time, possibly, but like, how can we know? How can we know? I've definitely been cruising for a perusing of his Wikipedia page. Yeah, because, I mean, I've never liked the term Mr. Bojangles. Really? Yeah.

It always makes me feel like it's probably racist. Right. You know? Yeah. I don't know. I have no idea. Well, it's best to just feel bad when you hear it just in case. Yeah.

I think. Yeah. And just, but that's what's there to stop me from starting to talk about Mr. Bojangles a whole bunch when I don't know about it. And starting to publicly. say how much I love it. The name. Yeah, well, yeah. Or just say, oh, I love Mr. Bojangles, you know, in a situation where it felt like it

would be appropriate. And then finding out that he's like a caricature or something like that of minstrel times or something. And I'm like, yeah, you know, we've all run into that before. We found ourselves referring to Al Jolson as the world's greatest entertainer. Look, I don't want to make that mistake again, Andy. I had an Al Jolson album. Really?

Yes, and it was called the World's Greatest Entertainer. And he's there, and he's singing, The Red Red Robin goes Bob, Bobbing along. And I'm like, and he's doing it in Blackface. I'm like, I don't know, man. Come on, World. Just believe in yourself. But you could hear that he was wearing blackface on the album?

You could hear. Yeah. Do you think that when he's like, do it in a studio record? Do you think he'd put it on? I mean, that's a question. Yeah. Yeah. He has one of those big sort of roadie cases that I guess you would normally have a guitar in it.

But he has it just filled with face. paint. It's just a black lipstick. Oh, yeah. I think his lips are one of the few parts that aren't, that are, like, that are coloured white, aren't they? You're absolutely right. I mean, I had one job.

Oh, Andy. You did a terrible job. What about an album? him that's like the best of Al Jolson and it's just him laying in his coffin. Oh, that's really good. Is he wearing, is he still wearing the makeup? Did the, when the, when he goes to the Undertaker and the Undertaker does your makeup, uh, for the open casket, do you think?

But it's the, um, the wrestling guy. Oh, God. Yeah. Now, the Undertaker. Hmm. And he grabs you by the throat and he slams you into your coffin. It's supposed to be a scary name, the Undertaker. But of course, the Undertaker shows up after you're already dead.

They're basically a scavenger, you know. They don't kill you. Undertakers don't kill you. No. They drag your body away like a dung beetle, like a human, a human, I was going to say human vulture, that actually also sounds a bit scary, but they don't even tear your body apart. They just plug up your bum and paint your face. And to me, that's just a good Saturday night.

Do you already know what they plug up their butt with? Was it like a wad of cotton or something like that? Yeah, it feels like it probably would be something like that. Do you think that they would put their legs? I think it's just a rag, yeah. But then do you think that sometimes the liquid that's inside the body just kind of starts to seep you know, through that kind, you know, like when you put like a bit of paper towel from one glass of water to another and there's like, there's like a bit of food coloring in one and then

you see it travel across. Do you think that ever happens with the rags or whatever, or the cotton? Because that feels like something that conducts water. It does. It does feel like a conductor. Copper ral. I mean, a copper rod, that'd get the job done. Yeah, you think so? I mean, yeah. Because, I mean, I feel like a butt plug probably would get the job done. Probably.

I don't know. I don't know what a butt plug is like with diarrhea. I don't know. I don't have the data in front of me. What now? We'd have to call an academic or something. This is a job for science. I don't like to speak about things on which I am not well informed.

I'm not one of those commentators who can just go out there and confidently. Yeah. Of him without... But even... Yeah, he's not wearing the stuff, but he's wearing a suit and he's still got like a fez on. Oh, well, you've got to always have a little bit of racism. Yeah. You know?

I mean, I don't even... I don't even... see any culture that wears the fez? Which culture actually does wear it? I mean, I think it's Turkey, right? I think it's stereotypically Turkish, but I think it might have even been banned in Turkey at one point, possibly by Ataturk.

He might have banned the fez in an attempt to reshape the culture. Somebody did. I don't know exactly whom. But, yeah. It doesn't seem like... It must be a religious hat. It was... It was banned by...

Mustafa Kemal Ataturk... As part of westernizing reforms. I can't believe it, Andy. Of course, Morocco. Morocco is a place where you... Morocco. Right. That's Fes Central.

I encounter a lot of Moroccans here. Do you? Yeah. Was Morocco a French colony? I think you might be right on the money, Andy. It's pretty close, isn't it, to the old. Although Casablanca, the capital, that sounds Spanish to me. So...

Yeah, it sounds like White House, right? I reckon everybody's had a little dip of their toe into Morocco. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think Xerxes ever went there? I don't know who Zerxes. is but I love his Was he a real leader? I'm sure.

Spartans? Persian ruler? He's the one that What's his name has to fight there? They fight in the movie 300. Really? Jared Butler. No, the other one.

Jared Butler is the one of the one of the 300. Yeah, that's what I mean. He's the one. Jared Butler had to fight Xerxes. Oh. So it's like, so imagine this I'm saying he's, let me see if I can reconstruct that.

You know, it was mortal combat, you know. Wait, I'm trying to figure out how to do this, what just happened and redo it. How about I just tell you exactly what you said and then I tell you what you said, right? Yeah. He's the one that Watts's his name had to fight there. and I said

Jared Butler supplying the What's his name? He's the one they had to fight No You said he's the one that Watts's his name

had to fight there And I said Jared Butler Filling in the blank That you had Clearly left in the sentence And then you Yeah

You I got upset about something Yeah Now Andy Which is something I would never do. Andy, if that was the situation, I want you to know that everything within that context makes sense.

Thank you. It looks like I'm going to be listening back to this episode. Holding a gun in the dark. You know, yeah, you know, Santa, he's, you know, he, he's the guy, you know, the kids, you know, what's his name is the guy that, kids get presents from. Fuck it. I can't. You're right.

There's no way I can make it work in the way that I thought it was working. Yeah, I really wanted to. I tell you what, Alistair, if I'm wrong about this, and let me tell you, nobody cares. But if I am wrong about this, I'm, I think I'm genuinely on some sort of slide, some sort of mental slide towards, I don't know if I can, what, I think take me away, though, because I should at least take away my driver's license. At least. Please. Please.

Please. Please. How do you feel about people who walk diagonally across intersections? Oh, well, I saw somebody today do that. Yeah. But it's in a small residential area at a corner, at a four-way stop sign corner. Oh, okay. Interesting.

Do you think they were in the right? they were in the right and then they were in the left. The fall left. Yeah. Okay, okay. Yeah, because that's how it works. But yeah, I mean, it's definitely more efficient, you know. It is.

It's the right way to go across. It's just, is the system prepared for this? And I think in a low traffic flow situation that I was in, we could handle that kind of that kind of variation in method. There's some wiggle room. But other places, the rules do have to apply. I mean, you see people doing it, right, you know, in the CBD. And these are people who are on a mission and they don't even look left or right.

And you're like, oh, you have a different set of priorities to my one. Yeah, but in the CBD in Melbourne, there is a couple of four. four-way There is one. There's one intersection where it's legal. And that's our version, like that's Jay,

yes, that's Jay Walking's version of the purge. That's like one intersection where anything goes. Yeah, one intersection of the, in the middle of the road.

All the rules of crossing pedestrian crossings are throwing out. Yeah. And we live like animals. Oh, I mean like kings as well. Yes, animal kings, like King Louis. Like King, yes, like King Mufasa.

Yes. Yes, like everything the traffic light touches is allowed. Crossing zone. While any time the traffic light touches, you can cross. Yeah. But it's, is it good? I think they do that. They give us one place to do that to sort of release those urges from us, you know, to give us an outlet.

First, I thought it was dangerous to do that because it might give us a taste of freedom. But I think it's like anything, you know, you let people feel they have the illusion of freedom. And so they don't actually rise up against the tyranny of having to cross only at right angles. and they feel they feel that they are they are in control of their lives and that's not the case at all yeah it's like

what's the what's the and then they look at the stats and they find that country you know cities that have this have like a sort of 30% lower murder rate and it all comes down to that one intersection where you're allowed to

diagonally you can be truly free no we're a free country. We can do what we want. Just the other day. I'll walk diagonally through an intersection. Now I won't rise up against the billionaire class. That's what they... I will allow them to continue. Yeah. Do you think that when they refer to a CEO as being, what do they call that word? They call them cutthroat. do you think they're saying he should get the guillotine? They're definitely laying some seeds in now that. I would say that the overlap,

the sort of the Venn diagram of CEOs that are cutthroat and CEOs that probably are on the chopping block when the revolution comes to have their throat cut. I reckon it's pretty close. There's very few that are cutthroat in a sort of gentle public helping why. Because what are they cutting? What throat are they cutting? I genuinely can't think of like a reason we don't just take all their money.

Can't we just like make a law where we're like, we're taking all your money now? Yeah. Just re-rewealth redistribution But just for billionaires, you know? Like the millionaires can keep their money Because like the way that I've started thinking about it is like Well, as a government, what you look at is all the The pooled national resources, like you know

The pooled natural resources that exist within your borders And you're interesting And you try to plunder them So that to help your nation And to try to hurt the least possible number of people people. Right? And the best way to plunder that right now is to take a bunch of money that is only going to go into assets and appreciate the value of assets. And so why not just plunder that and then, you know, get it for your people. It's a beautiful, it's a beautiful analogy and I think

it's really good. Like think of them as a, think of Elon Musk's, uh, face as a little gleam of gold that you've noticed at the end of a line of quartz. And you just need to start digging behind that and follow the chain of, I guess, bank accounts and ownership certificates to extract all the value that lies beneath. Exactly. And I mean, tell you what, for that first 30 cent, of traveling behind Elon Musk's face, you're not finding a ton of value. But once you get behind him to that vault, where he keeps a lot of his, you know, I guess his rare

squishies and his gold, I reckon. I think, yeah, I think people would say it's not fair to take their money and I'm just like so yeah I mean I generally don't care but again it's like it's not fair that they have that yeah just do it just take it oh life isn't fair you know they're the people

who would tell us life isn't meant to be fair yeah so just take it they would say be cutthroat yeah and then once we've got all the money we can go around saying yeah that wasn't fair well like you know when they're like oh well that's just business you go, well, this is just government. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, mate. We could afford to have a small government if it had heaps of money. You're taking care of business. I'm just taking care of everyone in society. Taking care of everyone in society. Taking care of everyone in society. Every day.

Taking care of everyone. in society. Anyway, now. Not working over time. Alistair. Yeah, Andy, is that you? How are we going? How are we going?

Sketchwise? Oh, sketchwise? I mean, we definitely have a lot of things written down. Nah, that's what I like to hear. A few, a bunch of them are not necessarily super sketchy, but you know what? I don't care at this point in my life, Andy. Look, if we just want just a clear sketch idea, how about this?

A guy walks into a doctor's office. He says, doctor, my nipples are squirting milk out at like fire hose pressure. And the doctor says, show me. And a jet just hits him in the face like that. and he gets thrown back. His head hits the ground. He's unconscious. He's bleeding.

He says, we need another doctor in here. Another doctor. A nurse runs in like that. Gets hit in the face with the jet of milk as well. The guy's quickly dehydrating like that. He's getting dry like that. It's just all the liquid in his body is getting funneled into this.

Like that as he goes, quick. The front desk person, please. come in and they come in just as the jet goes down to like a drizzle, a little drip thing like that and he goes no, it's too late

and then he falls to the ground and then the front desk person goes back to the phone calls and then goes picks up the phone and says can I can I put you on hold for a second

and yeah and I couldn't think of anything quite just there to wrap it up together but it was beautiful you know what I would like to to be to to start using can I put you on hold for a second yeah as a little prelude to giving somebody a hug

you know like you say that to them before or to give somebody else a hug who's not the person that you're having a conversation with. No, I'd basically, I'd use it IRL, and I'd be talking to somebody, and I'd see that, you know, they need some human contact, and I'd say, can I put you on hold for a second?

Oh, yes. And then I'd just embrace them with a little warm hug. Oh, man, what a beautiful, what a beautiful technique, Andy. Thanks. Can I put you in a hold? Because they're getting some emotional warmth, and they're getting, I guess, a little bit of a pun as well. Which are two things that people both love and often hate.

Yeah. Yeah. There you go. But there'll be some people for whom that's everything they want, the double, the superposition. And so if you're giving it to everybody overall, you're neutral. Yeah, I want to come up with a punchline for your... For the milk. Because it was so confidently delivered, Alistair.

I was trying to see where you, because I was like, he knows where he's going with this. Yeah. Is it going to be a lactose intolerant punchline? Oh, yeah. A lactose intolerant. What's another name for hydrant? Yeah.

Hopefully it's very close to intolerant. I mean, I'm not filled with hope because I think hydrant is already quite close to intolerant, and it feels unlikely to find something closer to the pin, you know. And yet, hydrant, while being sort of close, is definitely not close enough to be satisfying. But even then, I don't know that I necessarily want a pun ending for this, you know. I think I want catharsis. I want real, I want to wrap the whole thing up. Yeah.

Or I want something that's completely out of, you know, out of the left field, you know. But we'll let the listeners write in with their suggested punchlines to the milk, fire hose, nipple man, Dr. Death sketch. The real Dr. Death. There is inter... He's lactose incoherent. That's nothing. Lactose incompetent. Lactose...

Lactose... Yeah. I mean, I guess when he knocks him out, he could say, oh, I didn't realize you were lactose intolerant. Yeah, yeah. No, that did cross my mind. mind, but it doesn't feel like it rises to the level of what the concept is. Yeah, the concept demands something more.

You know, everything about him becoming milk. You know, yeah, he's a, look, I, you know, he has, dairy. Is there something, the dairy? He has, he has babies to feed. He's got mouths to feed. you know wet nurse I think dairy could be something

you know like the you know I'll clear your diary diary diary dairy dairy of a CEO yeah oh my goodness Andy but we don't need to do it I think if we try to do a pun I think none of us will be satisfied

no no you're right you're right I'll keep thinking. Look, even just the idea of things needing to have a good, you know, like satisfying ending. Because when you were talking before about making the, making this music that is voices, but it's not good. And it's not like any voice music that you've ever heard. I was thinking about that, about like, what about all the art? Like, everybody has tried to make good art.

And a lot of people have tried to make good art and then also not. succeeded. But what about the stuff, like, what about when you make stuff not to be good, but to just be something? Yeah. You know, like, yeah. Like, it doesn't have to be, what about, like, what is, what is that? What it was like going like, I just want to make something that is different and that exists

as itself. It doesn't have to like be a set up and then a, like, and then a, like a satisfying ending. Yeah, I think you're right. It feels like goodness, you know, is a concept that we invented and then started ranking things by, you know, the quality or the of meaningfulness, the depth of art. But like, who said goodness has got anything to do with art? who you came up with that concept separately and then you applied it to my art but it's uh wasn't wasn't what i had in mind yeah i guess if you made if you made a thing that you were like i mean like yeah because if you tried to make a thing where you were called it not good right in order to imply that what we're making we don't want it to be good we don't want it to be to be

to be judged on the on the scale of goodness we just want it to be judged as whether or not it exists yeah that's all that matters yeah it's interesting yeah we might we might need to come up with a new scale we need to create a new scale

and look it has to be a bit more than whether it exists because I feel like you can you can get to that pretty quick You know, and I guess it's easy to think. I mean, you can you could even create a set of 10 scales. Let's say you watch, you meet up with a group of five people. Each person has made a little video on their phone.

Right? And then we project them all. Okay. And then each person has also brought in a scale that we can judge all of the other videos on. So after we've all watched them, we then go through them and then we focus on the first one and then we each read out the scale that we, um, that, that, you know, that we, so then everybody judges them on, on each scale that everybody's invented.

So let's say we watch the first one and we go. And Darya wants us to judge that one in, uh, on the scale of slimyness. Great. And Todd wants us to judge it on the scale of how much it made us think about our own childhood. Yeah. And Ruta Bega wants us to judge it based on how fast it felt like you were traveling whilst watching it. I wonder if we could come up with a scale of scales. You know, if we could put all these scales in the world, you know, like Mo's scale of hardness or the Beaufort scale of wind. strength or even just length

if we could put them all on a scale what would that scale would that scale where would they fit how would you rag scales all the world's scales yeah okay so let's see so length

I mean look length and duration they do feel like they are on similar ends of the scale scale yeah yeah interesting yeah i would say that for me they're in the top 10 oh wow top 10 percent of scaleness yeah like i mean they're in my top 10 scales i'm probably putting i'm i've got to say i'm putting the both at scale yeah um you know what that one is which one's that one again it's the scale of wind strength, but it's all based around. Like at one on the Beaufort scale, leaves move around, you know.

On a 10 on a boat foot scale, heavy objects are moved and roofs and windows break, that kind of thing. Like, it's very, it's very earthy, doesn't almost feel like a numbers have any role on this scale at all. It's very vibes based. It's looking around. Yeah. It's fucked. I'm putting it way down on the scale of scales. But then I probably put things like the scales of justice.

Probably put them even lower. Because I don't think they even have any numbers. They're just, they are entirely just a vibe. It's just sort of gut. They're sort of a gut feeling. But then, you know, I feel also that like... What about that scale that they give you, that tell you how dehydrate...

you are based on the yellowness of your piss. That's a scale. That's a good scale. There is that stool, there's the stool chart as well. Yeah. Man, there's some good ones out there. Yeah. I worry that I'm basically just playing the conventional scale game

by ranking the less number-based scales low on the scale. But that's not, they're not playing that game. They have a different world. And, you know, if we were to judge the number scales by their standards, maybe it'll be very different results. But you kind of put one of those less number ones right at the top, didn't you? No, I put it way down the bottom. I put it all down the bottom.

And I regret that. But then for them, that wouldn't affect them negatively because they're not a number-based thing. It's true. That's true. Wow. So who's to say which is the good end and the bad end? They're just on a scale. The scale's a circle.

It would be really interesting to, because suddenly, you're suggesting essentially, because after you rank all your scales, then you would look at it and see what you value is important as a person, and you would kind of see what your scale of value is. Oh, wow, and I look back, and I look, and it's just a picture of my face. It's a drawing. You know, like how they've, we've mapped, we've mapped prime numbers, you know, that 3D map or whatever, and it looks like a pattern,

or that 2D one looks like a pattern with diagonals or whatever. we've mapped the pattern of all the scales and it's an A&D Matthew's face. Man, imagine when we map that pattern of all those scales and then like it is actually. Sorry, when we map all the prime numbers, when we finally get a complete picture of all of them, we zoom way out to infinity. And we look at it and it's like somebody giving you the finger. And that's, and that was like, that was God.

That was what he created the whole. be crazy if God encoded his own face into the pattern of prime numbers. It's the equivalent of putting your hand into your pocket and saying oh I got something for you and then pulling out the middle finger. Yeah. Which is

as pranks go I love that you know anybody can do that any time. You don't need any equipment. You just need, you don't even really need pockets. You know, I'm sure you could just reach out inside are these prime numbers just the prime numbers in? Just the prime numbers in.

base 10 or or do they incredible question yeah incredible question i have no idea yeah and then because people are like oh these are you know like i saw verner herzog talking about prime numbers recently and he was like and they are you know the backbone of of you know mathematics and numbers and existence and things like that and i was like are they that important or is it just that they are like they just are something that just happened based on the system that we invented that just kind of are a weird consequence. Well, I suppose that's a great question

and somebody will be able to tell you. I think they do have some significance. But, I mean, I will say that I feel like two does not belong with the prime numbers. It's only there by accident. What about zero? Zero, no, zero shouldn't be there either. Like, they feel like ones that showed up.

So, yes, Ted should be it. I mean, nine kind of feels like it should be in there. But, you know, but it's not. Alas. Andy, I'm going to take us to three words from a listener. Today, Andy, it's been a while since we've had three words. It was getting pretty fucking loose towards the end there, Alastair. We were losing.

We were losing it, right? Absolutely. What we were talking about, the Scales of Sciles. Andy, we haven't had a chance to do words from this listener for a while. and I'm glad to have them back. I'm glad to have them Sebastian Y back. Whoa.

Sabass. The bass. The bass is here. The bass is here and the bass says. The bass says odd messages, rereading them now. Sorry that was looking back at our

messages, but three words just struck me as I was listening to woman-made climate change. So they are my words. I am the listener. Thank you for clarifying that. And they are simple.

Uh-oh. That's maybe giving too much away. And he put colon after the word simple. Okay. And the words are, okay, first word, blue. Really far away. It's the. The.

Second word, biggest. You are close conceptually, Andy. Most. Whoa! The most. Last word. Dad. Oh, you got the last letter right.

Word. The most word. Yeah, the most word. I mean, imagine if that was somebody somebody had. And they had it on the inside of it. of their jacket on a little piece of paper folded up in the inside pocket of their jacket. They actually had the most word written down. Maybe they have something that is the most word.

And they're going to dictionaries, the offices of dictionaries. And trying to sell it to them, but he has to do it without showing them the word. Yeah, he's just like, you. You've got to trust me that I've got something here. I've got something here. I mean, you know, what you could do is you could bring someone in like a linguist or whatever, like the world's greatest linguist. You could show it to them, right?

They read it. They look up at the dictionary CEOs. They say, he's right. They've got this look. Their face goes completely white, right? you say he's right it's real and then you pull out a gun

you shoot that linguist through the brain yeah right between me all that's mine yeah and they fall down dead you put the gun away and you say

well gentlemen shall we negotiate I think it's a great it's a great idea it's beautiful that's a sketch idea that's I mean

it's like it's like you just took it's like you took my idea of a nipple and you replaced it with a gun and you took my idea of a fire hose worth of milk and you replaced it with a bullet. Yeah. And then you found an ending for it. You know, I see the way that you were influenced by my earlier sketch. But I obviously can't take full credit for that sketch idea. Yeah.

The problem being, I guess, that you can only really do that once. I mean, it would be hard to convince another. world's greatest linguists to come with you to another dictionary headquarters to begin your negotiations. Word might not spread that fast. Yeah. You could maybe hire a team to sort of guard all the people that work at this office while you, you know, and point guns at them while you go to another office and meet up

with another world leading linguist, you know, so that you have some bargaining power. Because if you just go to one place, they're going to be a little. Low ball, yeah, even though you've got a gun. He's got a gun. I mean, I really love the idea of going into dictionary offices. And in my mind, these dictionaries, they've got these massive boardrooms with these fat cat executives there. You know, and they got so much money to throw around. And you know, and you just want to squeeze those little piggies till they pay.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Because they got that word, that word money. They got that, yeah. They got that letter. Oxford. Yeah.

English. The resource is just letters. Yeah. It's just letters which we have an infinite number of. Because you can use as many eyes as you want. As many bees as you want. Words which are just lying around. But not this one.

And this is the one thing they can't have. and it makes them want it more. I think just pitching words to people is a great, is a fun thing to do. What about this? Of course. You know? And then just writing words and then being like,

okay, what do you guys think about this? And then you tell them the word. And so then, you know, because you can be like, art vunciousness, artvunciousness. Yeah. I wonder if it is going to be adjectives. I wonder if a lot of them are going to end up as adjectives. Paramylolyphic.

Karamililific? Yeah. What does that mean? I'm not telling. I'm not telling. I want to be the word pitcher. Yeah. Of course.

Now, you don't want to be the word pitcher, do you? No. Not P-P-I-C-U-R-E? Yeah, or P-I-T-C-H-E-R. Well, I think that's how I, that's how I spelt pitcher, P-I-T-C-H-E-R. Oh, I think, I, I, I, how would you have spelled the word pitcher? I thought you said P-I-C-T-U-R-E.

No, I don't know, the guy who pitches the... That's fucking crazy. I just, I mean, this is making me doubt that whole thing from earlier, because I just heard something completely different to what you said. I just heard what I wanted to hear. Andy, and right before we finish the episode, you give me hope that I can go back. I mean, this is so good because it actually,

the stakes on the end of this episode that one of us is genuinely sort of, you know, not anchored to reality correctly. That's exciting. The audience is going to want to go back. The listen rates, the listen through rights. You know, people re-listening to the episode just to hear this.

Oh, the stats will be through their roof. You think the word pitcher would be a good Batman villain? What about this, Batman? Right? Tonganistan. Tonganistan. It's like when you bring something up to your nose after having rubbed it under your big toe

and you smell it, and it smells all. But you can't help but go back in for one more sniff. What do you think? Batman. He's terrorizing Gotham. The word picture. Ties up Batman and just makes him listen to his new words.

Okay, how about this? Nobody will listen to me. I'll catch Batman. He's out and about at night. That's when I work my best. Kyle. Take it through the sketch ideas. All right.

Hang on. Wait. Okay, we got trance, or crants, trance, which is ranting chants, that it's a ranting choir that yells at a conductor who's showing them articles of things that makes them angry, and they sing beautifully, really angry things. We've got funny sketch. diverse right wing person and the people getting upset that he's taking jobs from whites of being racist and stuff on TV.

We've got uncleing showing up at barbecues and making it seem like you're supposed to be there eating the food. It's a beautiful thing. We got the AFL umpires lay down on the ground and when the goal gets scored. They put their hands up and then they spit up in between the goals. that lands between their legs after going through the arms to just make it a bit better. The best of Al Jolson, it's a photo of him in a coffin. We have the one permitted diagonal crosswalk in a city to take the pressure off the general population, lower the murder rate.

We got new scales for art that aren't good or bad. We got the scale of scales. and that's it. And then we've got trying to sell the most word to dictionaries without showing it to them. And we've got the word pitcher, the Batman villain. Grave. I'm the very definition of evil.

I don't know. I'm the very definition of Greville. Which is... You also said definitional. Very definitional of grevel, which is a guy who is the definitional of grevel. All right. Thanks everybody for bearing with us during this episode, during this difficult time in all our lives.

Yeah. You should come to any of the shows that me and Matt Stewart are doing in Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto, or Montreal and come and watch us do stand-up over October. No, September. When I heard that was happening, I was so excited for the world. Yeah, and you should listen to the Bobby Logg stories. This one's already late this week, but I'll get it out tonight. The links are in, the notes.

Thank you so much, Andrew. Thank you so much listeners. And we love you. And check out, you know, and hire Andy, I mean, you know, hire Andy's company to do some advertising for your company. For your corporation. We love you. Bye. Bye.