Two In The Think Tank - 539 - "CLOWN PROCTOLOGIST"

Episode Date: August 21, 2026

Absurd Pick Up Lines, New Male Mystiques, Andy's Dream Kayak Jumpscare, Healing Fists, Or Do You Just Need to Piss, Chillmaxxing Drink to Sedate the Populace, 3 Tube Law for Clothes + Tube Trading, World Wide Feud, State Emergence Musical Retrospective Brigade, Clown Forensic Pathologist, Clown ProctologistListen to Alasdair's Bobby Logs Stories for kidsYou can purchase A Listener hats by emailing [e-mail] out the sketch spreadsheet by Will Runt hereAnd visit the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here(Oh, and we love you) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hiya, Jindja, jim jah, bim jah, bimha, bimha. Hello and welcome to two in the thing tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Five sketch ideas.

I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair, George William, Trambley, virtual. Hello, Andy, how are you today? I'm really good today. Thank you, Alistair, for asking me that question. Thank you for the opportunity to ask you, Andrew. No, I was bad, and then somebody took an interest in me, and that person was you.

A financial interest. You just bought 50% of Andy Matthews. Yes, I've bought out all the available stock. A controlling interest. Yes, I've got a controlling interest. And I'm hoping to get rid of the board. Sure. Well, I mean, I think it's arguable.

The board that you've put in front of your door to lock it shut so that I can't reach you physically. Yes. have more way with you. I'm not saying I hope society collapses, but I do hope that at some point I get the chance to nail up a whole lot of boards across my doors and windows from the inside. If only to prove that I'm better at it than all those people I've seen doing it in movies and that sort of thing, where they've got the boards all at angles.

Why are the boards all at weird angles? Well, I think they're trying to, they feel like they're trying to, cover more area of the window maybe with one a single like plank of two by four or whatever i mean it's it's it's it's still your house you're still living in there and i think even though you're in the middle of a hurricane it should still look nice yes nail the boards horizontally or vertically or both but don't do them haphazard diagonal come on and what had you do you feel about where they're putting the actual nails in? Do you think a lot of it, does it look like they're getting into the weatherboard? Well, I'm thinking about people nailing it up from the

inside in more like a zombie kind of situation or something. I would put it on the outside still, but I guess then you worry that the zombies, I see, I wouldn't want to do it on the inside because if the zombies are trying to get through, they're punching and they're striking. And they're pushing in and the weight goes in. Yeah. Yeah. But you put it on the outside. I don't know if the zombies can pull. I've never seen a zombie pull. Can zombies pull? Yeah.

Zombies do pull-ups. And this just in... Never seen a single ripped zombie. The zombies can pull. Does it say that? No, I'm just imagining the news report, you know? Oh yeah. These ones...

Zombies can pull. And then it's got footage of like a zombie on the dance floor. Oh, wow. It's sort of grinding behind of like a beautiful lady. Like that. and she turns around and she makes out with him. Her full lips inside of his gaping open mouth. It's worth it.

So the lips, nobody does that kiss, do they? Nobody does the kiss with your two lips. People will do like one lip in between the teeth and it gets bitten and it's a little bit sexy. Nobody does both lips out between the teeth. Yeah, both lips and the outside and around the mouth. Yeah, and like a sort of a duck. duck docking. Oh yeah.

Okay, I was seeing side on. I was picturing it like biting the outer side of the mouth. But yeah, of course, then you're not really biting the lips. And then I'm picturing her giving a smaller inside kiss inside the mouth. Oh, to the tongue? Kisses into the vacuum that is his open mouth. Wow. The cavern.

The open cavern. Gills. Does anybody want a kissing? Anybody want to step into the cavern? That's what I said. That's what the zombie man says. That's what I say when I approach a group of women and ask the group if anybody wants. Wants to have a crack at you.

Yes. By saying, does anyone want to step into the cavern? Now, what images do you picture? I don't know. What images do you? picture or entering into these women's minds. What do I picture their picturing? Yeah.

I mean, I don't, I don't dare to speculate. And that's their right. And I would never tell a woman what to do with her imagination. What to imagine. What to do with her. Yes, her inner eye. Yeah. But what would you, but, and since you don't want to do that to her, but wouldn't, does

imagining, does you imagining, does you imagining, does. that, do you feel like that forces an image on her? I mean, the imaginary woman in my mind, I'm now using her imagination like my place. Do you think it maybe will give away some of your biases that you have about women's minds and what they're capable of imagining? Exactly right. And I guess, look, I'm not afraid. I think immediately they're going to think of the cavern as being your butt

and you're telling them you have a loose butt or at least there's space in there and you're asking them to I guess put something in there like a hand or something like that okay well maybe I just want to step into the cabin now there's a lot of talk about feminine mystique out there, isn't there? Hey, I just want to say, I think that that's,

I think that's a, that's a new technique for pickup artists. Yes. Is going abstract and going absurd with pickup lines. Well, exactly. And this is where I'm going with this. There's a lot of talk about feminine mystique out there. But at the moment, there's not much male mystique, you know? At the moment, you know, like, like, what's the, what would male mystique be?

At the moment, it could only be really, is he a rapist? That's sort of the extent of our mystique. Are we unsafe right now? But, and, you know, obviously that's very interesting. But it's maybe not as nuanced as feminine mystique. And maybe we start to introduce new elements. Oh, new types of male mystique. Mm.

Yes. Yes. I guess the other one is, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? That's kind of my own mystique as well. It's like what's he got in his pockets? Or is his penis sort of a long way off to the side? A lot of the time you can, yeah, you can really, a lot of the time you can really tell what guys have in their pockets. Because any time I'm going to record, like, people talk about guys on stage doing stand-up,

They're like, I've heard so many women be like, why do guys have so many things in their pocket when they're up on stage? It's true. Yeah. It's disgusting. And that is a fact about us. And I think it's always been the case, but I think the sort of tight-pant revolution that we've been through in the last 15 years has brought a lot of it closer. I mean, that might have been 15 years ago the last time that we were, that we were, that we were. were in that.

In tight pants. Yeah. Like last time we had tight pants. Are you saying that I don't, I'm not on top of what current fashion pants trends are for men? Is that what you're saying? I'm not saying, I think you said it. Are you saying my reference? I think you said it, Andy, that you weren't on top by saying, by mentioning a trend that

is not current and saying that it was current. I didn't say it's current. I say we've been through it. There's a snake in my boot. That's a line from John Ham. From John Ham. Yeah. Is it really?

No. I know that line. What is that? It's Woody from Toy Story. Right. So why did you say? John Ham has a famously has a very big penis. Does he really?

Yeah. Right. call him the handbone. And so when Woody from when Woody from Toy Story said there's a snake in my boot, was he talking about how long his cock is? Is that one? I think so. Really? Well, I assumed. What else could he be saying? Yeah.

There's a snake in my boot. Why would he be yelling it out so loud? Snakes don't have ears. Put that down as another one of, uh, Another one of our... Just things are mystics? Yeah, elements of mystique. It's perhaps maybe not as, not quite as mysterious as I would hope for, but, you know. Am I dangerous?

Am I dangerous? Am I afraid? Hmm. What's in my pocket? And if there are a snake in my pit? It's really... I mean, it's so interesting. There should be a TV game show called What's in My Pocket.

And so you just walk out sort of like the Price is Right style. Right? And you're wearing jeans or whatever like that. Deal or no deal, but just with a bunch of, instead of briefcases, it's a bunch of guys. We're wearing jeans and then they're standing there. And then the cameras just zoom into the pocket. Yeah. And then a panel of people ask and try to figure it out.

A panel. A panel. Do you think more like a, like, do you think it should be like stadium seating or something like that? Or like a, like, how many people are you picturing like, so 25 or something? Yeah. 30 people? Is that what you're saying? I think it's a representative sample of the Australian population.

Yeah. Okay. It's a real, and we get a real insight into sort of demographics and... A hundred to one. What's that show? The 100. The 100. The 100.

Andy Lee's show. Sort of like that? Yeah. Everybody zooming in? If that 100 was like a perfect cross-section of society. Yeah. Slice. Oh my God, I've just had a flashback to just like an absolutely.

awful dream I had last night. Really? Tell me, Andy. It was a sort of a cross between a zombie and a situation and an alien kind of thing. But it was basically infecting everybody and

I may have had to sacrifice one of my children to the thing. Wow. Wow. To the thing and then got infected myself and decided to paddle out to an island. But then I kept stopping to switch boats. I was paddling in a little canoe, and I kept,

and I couldn't decide which canoe I wanted. Yeah, I'm trying to get myself away from society so that I don't infect everybody. What was the deciding factor on what made you think another boat would be better? Oh, well, you just keep seeing one that's just slightly better, and you think, but better in what way, as then it will get you there quicker or like,

it'll be more difficult for you to get back once you're a zombie. I was stealing these canoes, right? Yeah, so you were just moving from one canoe to another. I was moving from one canoe to another, and I started off stealing, and I'm remembering now, I started off by stealing a canoe that was quite,

that was already like basically torn in half. And I remember thinking, well, they won't miss this canoe. Yeah. And then I was, was struggling with that canoe. And then you found a better canoe. And then I...

Fuck them. I don't care what they feel. I deserve a nice canoe. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. On my death paddle. This is my life.

The last thing I'm doing is saving people. I can have a nice canoe. Yes. And then it was, uh, then I'd chosen like a Canadian canoe, like an open type canoe. But the ocean was quite rough. and the water was getting into the car. I was like, oh, fuck it, I'm getting a kayak. Something with sort of closed off sections.

Oh, really? I think that would be hard to get out of once you're a zombie and very easy to drown the zombie with. Or if the zombie can't die, it'd be an amazing trap to set for somebody who's like arriving at the island one day. It's like, oh my God, free canoe. They spin it around

Zombie Andy there has been Jack in the box style Yeah, laying in weight I mean I can't believe that that jump scare hasn't existed yet Of course if I

If I was a zombie And transformed In the process of paddling out to an island It would be an amazing way to discover Whether or not zombies can pull Because Because that's very much paddling what paddling is

and I think Is it? Wait, let me see. There's a lot of pulling involved. Yeah, one of the arms is kind of pushing a bit though, isn't it? Well, sure, but like if I discover, you know, suddenly I lose the ability to pull, I can still push. I mean, that would be a disaster. I would just start heading backwards,

back towards the land from which I had voluntarily removed myself for the good of society. So I was just writing down that jump scare. This is the show where we come up with five jump scares. Imagine if Danny Boyles 28 days later, which famously asked the question, what if zombies were quick?

What if it had asked? What if zombies could pull? Do you think it would have been as effective a film leading to such a franchise now? I think the zombie genre is so well-true. broadened these days. The genre. That maybe it is time for a,

for a more specific question like that. You know? You could start it with like, maybe a zombie in a box, like kind of like, you know, like one of those kind of per specks boxes that you would maybe put like an octopus in

that you would sort of get to do tasks to see how smart it is. Yes. And you put a little like squirrel brain maybe in a certain, and somewhere where the zombie can see it. You're saying squirrel so much more like a North American now. I think I've always said squirrel like this.

That's the first thing I've noticed about you. You've changed. Yeah. You used to say possum. I have been here for a long time now. Squirrel. You used to pronounce it possum when you were over here. Yeah.

Yeah. You used to just say wombat. I guess wombat and groundhogs kind of occupy the similar species. base. In our hearts. In our hearts, yeah. Like, Aussie groundhog,

the wombat. The borough. That's the space they are in the park. Yeah, live in ground, come out, be big, furry, you know,

groundhog is less good, but it's related to squirrel, so that's kind of cool in its own, for its own sake. Do you think we should invent a character called

Aussie Elon Musk, right? Yeah. And, and, He does Elon Musk's kind of stuff, but he does it, Aussie. So when he's got the boring company, he's done it by breeding a giant wombat. Yeah.

And he sits on its back, and he spanks it to steer it. Yeah. Well, there were those giant sloths that would dig huge tunnels. Exactly. So, I mean, to get those old. school. There used to be like a giant

wombat, didn't there also? There was, yeah, of course, the DiProtodon, my favorite extinct species.

Yeah, and it's got the best name, DiProtodon. Mm-hmm. Sounds like, so easy to say. Sounds like a

child's Panadol. You know? Sure. Or it sounds like something like an early

Japanese curry. Yeah. That killed you. We've discovered the earliest Japanese curry. The Di Protodon. What would Elon Musk be called in Australia? Okay, Elon. Elo.

No, I'm sorry. No, that was good. That we'd call him the Muskrat. We'd call him... I mean, we'd probably just call him the Muskrat. Yeah. I've just realized the floor in my plan. What?

Which is that you can't... probably can't spank a wombat to make it dig faster because they have a famously like armoured ass plate. Yeah. They wouldn't feel a thing. You'd need another way. They're not feeling anything from the skin there. Well, apparently it's like this big, hard, yeah, basically they use their butt as a plug.

Okay. Buck plug. In a way, yes. And when they, they, they sort of go into their burrow and then they plug up the entrance with their own butt, and then like predators can't get past the butt to get to the rest of the wombat. It's a sacrificial butt. Yeah, so then they probably don't have the anus right near the area. No, they don't.

No. No. It would be underneath somewhere. Yeah. A loner. A lonis. And yeah, that's cool. I mean, what do we, what do we do with that?

You know, because it makes me, it makes me want to think of, like, maybe, like, of how defending things just with your body is a great, it's a great idea, maybe. Like, okay, like, well, like, we kind of have that with the base of our feet. Like, especially the heel is probably the least hurtable part of your body. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like, I've noticed that underneath my kids, feet when their feet are up in the air let's say they're laying on their backs or whatever yeah i can

slap the bottom of their feet and they kind of find it fun and yeah you can go basically as hard as you like and they go harder like that wow okay and then you just really slap it and it's fun for everybody well that's really exciting and good news for people who do want to hit their kids but yeah but you know obviously society's uh frowns on that now some sort of guide to the places you can hit your kids and nobody minds. You know, it's sort of like the opposite of an Achilles heel. Yeah, it's like an Achilles. It's their one invulnerable.

It's Achilles everything else. Yeah, it's an Achilles. Yeah. Killies other bits. I was just telling my kids about Achilles heel last night. because I was trying to do a I was doing a Bobby Logs about a brother of Bobby Logs

called Strong Logs that Hux had come up with and he has huge mussely arms but they're very, very weak and I was like his arms are actually his Achilles heel but then of course they don't get that reference and so I had to then explain that

but his arms were so weak that he would punch people and heal them. So it's an Achilles heel, but it heals. That's right, that's right, yeah. It's Achilles healing. H-E-A-L, yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's such a beautiful idea of being,

those, the healing fists. Yeah, and then, but he's really upset because he wants to hurt people. Mm, of course. Yeah, yeah, and so, yeah, anyway, I might do that. that for this week's Bobby Logs. That's running already a bit late. I think healing fists, Alistair, is a beautiful idea. And if you wanted to write that down. All right. Healing fists. Yeah. I don't know. I'm not sure whether it's like a fists of fury kind of thing. Yeah, martial art. But it's medical.

Yeah, that's great. I like that, Andy. I also have you know it's it's so strange last night I had I had a dream and then I felt really uncomfortable in my dream and I thought it was because in my dream a woman had rejected me and I remember having the thought being like don't let this bother you it was one just a dream and two and two like it's you're going to wake yourself up by thinking about this. And then at some point I was like still feeling bad and then I went, oh, I just really need to piss. And I couldn't tell the difference between the feeling of rejection and the feeling of holding in a big piss. And because once I did do a piss, then all that sense of rejection was gone. I mean, I guess that's something, that's a warning to people because just because it, It was, I was near, I had almost just woken up. Sometimes we might feel rejected, but actually,

we just need to piss. It might just have a full bladder. Yeah, I mean, I wonder if that's a problem for a lot of the, like, misogynists out there, maybe the manosphere. Do you need to piss? Yeah. Are, is society. being cruel and unfair to men,

or do you just need to piss? That feeling you have that it's illegal to be a man these days, is that really what's happening? Or have you just had eight big glasses of water? Yeah, sort of three cans of monster energy drink. Yeah. I think energy drinks are one of the big problems in society. People have a lot of fucking energy.

Way too much energy than is required for modern life. A lot of energy and a lot of frustration. Yeah. And so that just gives you the energy to be annoyed. They should be a sedation drink. There should, yes. Good. And I'm not saying alcohol.

I'm not saying alcohol. No. And I'm not saying just a regular. drink with like morphine in it or something? No. No, no. I want it to be like a natural product like Garana. Mm-hmm.

Like sugar. Mm-hmm. Like that. But it makes you feel more chill-out. And not chamomile, which is disgusting. Yeah, not chamomile, but maybe we could find a cool sounding chemical that is in Camomile. Yes.

Chemical-mile. Sorry. Camamile. Let's see. Chemicals and chamomile. Ooh, look, firstly, there's volatile essential oils. I already like the sound of that.

Yeah. Volatile and essential. Oh, there's chamaziline. The essential oil people really scored a coup out of that fucking word, didn't they? Because it makes it sound like you need it. Essential oil. Yeah, it's almost like when they called It's an essential oil

Not just that it's the essence of something Yeah Like when they called fire Water, Air and dirt The Elements You know They were like Oh yeah

This is really important And it's like Yeah, but it turns out it's not Wait Hang on there's one here I'm not really What about this Alpha

bissible alpha bisabol is that really? Alpha Bissabalol I mean it's got alpha in it exactly I love that it's got alpha in it

this is going to be really good we're going to like for our calm maxing people this this in it this drink

well I'm not sure what we're calling it but um Alpha calm Oh yeah There's also mucilage That sounds gross

Complex sugars that soothe irritated Mucous membranes in the gut or throat Hmm I mean you know what It's let's let's let's check it in there Now with mucilage With added mucilage Hernurin

Herniarin Herniaron Or umbeliforone Oh umbelifron Umbeliforone Umbeliforone Under my umbella Ferone

Epigenin Lupogenin Luteolin Quercetin It's hard It's hard Andy Finding a cool sounding thing There's also one called

Matri Wait Matricen And Matricarin Which sounds too feminine though Yeah it does Man This is tough

This is harder than I look Wait, wait, I've got one. Spiroethers. Ooh. Listen to this. And now, get chill, you know, Chill Max. Now with extra Spiroethers. Yeah.

Yep. Oh, no. Damn, Andy. That reaction did not fill me with confidence. I just think Gorana sounds cool. you know. Yeah. Oh, I know.

What's that other one? Torrine. Is there one that's like Torrine? Torin, yeah. It sounds like a bull. Yeah. I guess that's where they got the name Red Bull. Chama Zulin.

You know, you know, the big Brazilian guy that was winning a lot in UFC? Alex Pereira, he, one of the only words he would say would be for a long time would be Chama. Chama. Like that. And nobody really knows what it is, but he would just say it. He would just go chama And everybody's like

Yeah Chama Wow And so Chama Zuline You know that could That could have That could kind of work Yeah is that in there

Is that one of the things Chama Zuline is in there Yeah That's our one That's our boy Yeah Yep All right

Now with Chama Zaline Mm Um Yeah Yeah Beautiful Okay Chill Max and drink

To To sedate the populace relaxed to the max I mean like it would be just nice for like for people to kind of

to be like going off to a construction construction site feeling you know like unstressed not filled with energy and needing to punch on yeah

I mean yeah I think that like it was a mistake for us as a society to just to allow these people to market energy drinks without first doing any kind of like

census of like how much energy people have and need and you know work out where it's all going it feels like a sort of almost like a like a printing money like quantitative easing kind of thing where we've just pumped all this energy into the energy market and into the society. We don't know where it's going to go.

Do you think we should just tip all the energy drinks directly into some... Like, we should just be able to burn them in our cars. Oh, yeah. Like, it does feel like you should be able to fuel a car with Red Bull or... Like, it tastes like it would burn. You should be able to fuel a car with... any liquid. Yeah.

Because, I mean, there's, there's energy in there. We know that from E equals MC squared. Someone should work out a way to burn water. Just do it.

With the amount that Einstein figure it out. The amount that Einstein would go on about how mass and energy are equivalent, you see them interchange themselves

pretty, a very small amount. Yeah, exactly. You know? And it's sort of, it's inaccessible to the little guy. I would like to be able to take sort of a little chair that I don't want to use anymore and just like turn it directly into energy and use it to sort of power my house for the week. Yes, yes.

Catch that energy in bags. Okay. Yeah. Like garbage bags. And. Yeah. Garbage. bags and have like big powerful magnets in there. I don't know why I felt like I would have to

catch the energy with magnets. I think whatever is involved in there will be magnetism of some kind. No, I think that's a good instinct. You've got good instincts. Thank you. I think we just all basically just want the fusion reactor that's in the back to the future car. Yes, mist diffusion. Where you can put a banana peel in there. Yeah. and go, you know, go really fast or at least 64 miles an hour, probably roughly 100 kilometers an hour. I mean, that is really what I want. Yeah.

Is it 64? Is it 88? I feel like it's 80 something. Okay. How fast? How fast? How fast? People are going to be upset.

People are right to be upset. Back to future go. Jamie, pull that up. 88 miles per hour. Yeah. Damn. 88. What do you think it is in kilometers? 110?

Man, you couldn't be further away. No. What is it? You are so many kilometers away. You are 31.62 kilometers per hour away. What? What's the answer? It's 141.60 kilometers from.

That's actually pretty quick. That's a pretty quick car. No wonder it's traveling in time. It's going over the speed limit. You're getting there before you should have been able to. Able to. Able to get there. According to the law. Do you think there should be more laws?

I'm so glad that you asked that, Andy, because I think that there should be more laws. And I think that they should be about what you're allowed to. wear and I think that we should restrict it a lot more. Yes, great. Okay. Yeah. I think, yeah, I agree. I think you should have, there should be a maximum number of, uh, of tubes that you're allowed to be wearing. Okay, let's say a maximum number of three tubes. Okay. Okay. So that means that if you either pants or exactly you know if you're wearing pants then if you're wearing pants

then you have to have some sort of tube top okay because the pants is two tubes so no sleeves for you so you gotta wear a boob tube yeah exactly could you wear if you if you're wearing a singlet does that count as extra tubes

do those holes those three holes at the top no no those are not tubes those are openings but okay but then if it yeah but then a t-shirt is does have two extra tubes now but then there should be tube trading so basically if you're wearing one long sleeveless dress that's one tube you now have two tubes that you could sell okay the rights to of the open market okay this is an economy now okay this is this is getting money out there then billionaires who want to wear some sort of fancy starfish kind of outfit,

who want to have gloves, fingerless gloves on. You know how billionaires love to wear fingerless gloves. Well, they will in this case. They're going to have so many tubes. So you'll be able to just wear a moo-moo or whatever.

And that's one tube. That's two tubes per day that you're allowed to sell. Yeah. And I think that you should be able to at least buy one meal off of I think per tube

yeah because that way a person who decides to not wear any tubes all day could at least feed themselves yeah I mean

do you think that means that if dad goes naked he'd be able to buy food for his family yeah mom would have to go out put food on the table yeah obviously

mom would have to go out But, yeah, and then that discourages people from using the car as much. You know, it's like, because it seems like it's just a law about clothes. But what we're doing is we're also just trying to reduce the carbon footprint, I guess, of society. Yeah. And if you're staying at home, a lot of people, I mean, if you all think about this, if you're wearing, let's say, a singlet-based. robe or you're just or you're draping a blanket over yourself at home. As long as you never close it, that's just an open plane.

Yes. You know, it never sort of goes all the way around to becoming a tube. Yeah, do you think it's like a poncho might? Yeah. Even a, what about a conical dress? I think it's just holes for arms. A cone is still considered a tube Yeah, I think for the purposes of the law

What about this? A rectangular prism Well, I was going to say a sandwich board You know, you go around Yeah, side boob, that's allowed Side boob And you can wear a bra And undies, is it undies?

Ooh, undies is so weird Because it doesn't feel like it's, it's long long enough to become a tube. Yeah, I think that might count as one tube. Really? With two openings. But then it's impossible. But then a G-string.

You know, nobody's calling that a tube. I mean, this is where we'd really need to get the philosophers involved. We have some of our best philosophers on that. What I like about it, and you're absolutely right, Alistair, the impacts on society are difficult to predict, but, but like, you know, it's a good, like, freakonomics kind of situation, you know? Like, it seems like we're just regulating what people can wear, but actually the impacts are much more complex and intriguing

and the change that it causes for society could be really beneficial. I mean, I think people just being nude around each other as well. You know, I think, you know, or they're wearing blankets around each other. Or men having to wear dresses more often. Yeah, just in order to sort of stay alive or whatever because they can't afford, you know, rent anymore. Yeah.

Now, like living in a house, that house isn't considered a tube, right, that you're wearing? This is how they'd end up getting you. They just change the definition of tube and then be like everybody's already spent, now you owe us money for all the extra tubes you're wearing. Tube debt. Well, yeah, I mean, you know,

that's obviously the fear is government overreach that they'll redefine. changing the definition of tubes but I think it'll be okay you trust us you know yeah yeah yeah do you ever think about that

like about like how like sometimes people have to fight the government for things and at some point it gets violent and we've never really had to do that in our in our as much get to the point of like

attacking the government in our sort of era of existing. But I mean, it was only in the 1800s where there were like big wars in the United States. Yeah, it's absolutely insane. Yeah, and then you kind of go like,

so, or at least the 1700s. When was the... The civil war would have been 1800s. Yeah. And you kind of go like, okay, so we've missed that. But then the part is like, I really want the benefits of having fought that war.

I never picture my on the front lines and being like, all right, I'm ready to die for this. But at some point you have to do that, don't you? US Civil War, let's look it up, Jimmy. Do you want to have a punt at when it was? It's firstly, it's embarrassing that we don't know. And I will tell you, it's way more recent than, uh, yeah, 1877. Close.

1861 to 65. Okay. Well, I've just done an. episode of Dugawan on the War of 1812, and that's between Canada and America, mostly America onto Canada, which was at the time just a British colony. Not like now, where it's a colony of the British. I think France and the UK should have another war. They have fought, because just before that, they were fighting all over the world.

Yeah. They were fighting just each other. Everywhere. Everywhere. They were like, yeah, I'll see you in Barbados and fight you there. It's the fucking French again. I hate those guys. I hate those guys. Yeah, I'll see you in like Indonesia. I'll see you

in everywhere. They did not like each other. It's completely insane. But, you know, and like to be, the great thing about fighting,

you know, your next door neighbor like that is that it's like, it's local. It's like local, like sourcing your meat locally or something. It would have a much lower environmental footprint. But then to go and fight them all over the world, you're like, you're not realizing the benefits of fighting your next door neighbor,

being able to stay, close to home. Why are you doing this? Why are you making this harder for yourselves? Yeah. I mean, imagine that. Okay, so you're fighting your neighbors, right? But at some point, your neighbor's kids grow up and one moves to Canberra, one moves to Wellington and New Zealand, one moves to Darwin, right? And then you send your kids out to go live in those areas and fight them. Yeah, have an ongoing. truly global conflict. Yeah, truly global in Australia and New Zealand.

Yes, truly. Fude. Truly. You've just hit on the definition of global. Worldwide feud. Alistair, we may have five sketch ideas already written down. Yeah, but you don't think that we can just like shift this. Right, worldwide feud.

Yeah. Just want me right down. worldwide few Uh Oh, Alistair Uh Look, I will just write England,

France France style worldwide neighbor war I mean, I mean, I know that England and France

I know that England and France are allies these days they've realized that, you know, war holds no benefits for them and I agree and that's right. But it would be interesting to see what it was like if they did have another war these days you know it would be

interesting you know you sort of want to you you want to know what would it be like yeah i mean who who is still doing better hmm i reckon france will might apparently their um they're manufacturing is uh is way better than england's like their ability to build like uh submarines and that kind of thing. The UK's got nothing. Although they are helping make the Australian submarines apparently allegedly.

That are now going to be second-hand submarines. Is that right? I don't know what the nature is of this contract that we've signed where they just get to change the definition of the submarines that we've purchased. And not change the amount

that we're paying? Yeah. Yeah, it's absolutely insane. Yeah, I mean, I think Australia's just paying for protection at some point. Like, you're just like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just tell us. Because Canada just has purchased, I think, some submarines from Germany for like 70 billion.

Yeah. And they're going to be delivered within the next 10 years, I think. I mean, it's, I think the problem for the UK and France is that, like, there have been, There's been a lot of innovations in war technology, but not enough innovations in reasons to go to war. The military industrial complex has been spending all their time on the supply side, but not on the demand. That's right. And then if we put half as much as we do into building weapons, we put half of that money into coming up with reasons to use that weapons, brainstorming new reasons to have a war,

just think of the benefits that that would have. Well, Andy, let me use an example. Let me use an example, let's say, from an earlier episodes where you talked about the graph of people you used to date versus the reasons that you broke up with them. This was with the X-axis and the Y-axis. Of course. you know and I think that these days they tend to put a lot of your why you're a lot of your

why we go to war you would map that one say at the zero axis because you could now just do it for no reason no that's true yeah it's true yeah but we used to have reasons you know they used to try and come up with reasons we would at least manufacture consent exactly right like and that's And that's what we need in this country. That's right. Andy, can I go to three words from a listener? Now we just buy consent from China. That's right.

We don't even know how to manufacture consent in this country anymore. That does feel like the situation with the Iran war. You essentially are doing that when you buy bots to just argue with people online for you. That's true. We got three words from a listener, Andy, from one of our listeners, known as Patrick J. Ryan. Patrick J. Ryan. Something about that middle initial, middle initial.

Yeah. I think the J is the josting around. Is it still an initial if it's in the middle, though? Let's be honest. Yeah, it's a late in the game, no. Yes. I couldn't have done that better myself, Alastair. Thank you, Andy.

That's why I didn't let you. Now, Patrick J. Ryan says, Patrick joshing around Ryan says, I have an exciting submission. Than is either, I think it was supposed to be that, and or both three words from a listener. Oh, I feel like I may have done this. But, hold on, or both, wait, three words from a listener and a bonus episode idea. Maybe we haven't done this. I'm ripped to shreds with doubt Andy, you want to try to guess the first word?

Yeah, um, Randy. Comics. Comics, okay. Verses, second word is versus. Oh, close. Sands. Comics, sands. Okay. Font?

Oh, close. Frontiers. Oh, comics, sans frontiers. I don't think we have done this before. Okay, great. But like, I were going to say 20 years ago, or not quite, but more like, you know, 16 years ago. Yeah. When I was doing Get Serial TV, I did do a fake interview with Beck Petratus, where I,

I was the internet celebrity as internet celebrity back portrayed us I was the state emergency volunteer musical retrospective brigade and I was like a state like a like like this SES state emergency services but I would show up to the scenes of disasters and perform a musical retrospective to get people laughing and looking back you know and moving on from whatever the disaster was that was currently happening. It's never too... It would sort of mock. It would sort of mock this thing that has just happened.

Yeah. Or sometimes still going on. Yeah. It's because it's never too early to start laughing and healing. Yeah. Sometimes even before the actual healing. Before any actual healing or stuff. Yeah.

Before the hurt has even finished happening. and because because it was all sort of improvised I was actually able to move very quickly and often turn up before the real emergency services oh that's amazing or even once I showed up even before the event before the disaster and through

no intention of my own caused the disaster well when one of my candles sparked. One of the candles I was going to use to pretend to be the burning hot sun that had been drying the forest around me. Oh, wow. In an intense drought, one of the candles fell and started a big bushfire and tell you what, you don't know what it's like to mock the first spark hitting the the sort of the pine needles on the ground and watching it spread amongst the dry branches very quickly in the way that pine trees tend to go up, dry pine trees and mock it.

Oh, I'm a spark. I'm spreading myself quicker than a bloody uni student on a $20 jugs night. It's really good, Alistair. I wish you'd been there. would have been a funnier segment. But yeah, that was it. And I think... So not that, obviously.

What was it called? It was called the State Emergency Volunteer Musical Retrospective Brigade. Or Sevmerb. Let's see. Musical... Are you looking it up? No, I'm just writing it down.

Oh, writing it down. I can see musical what? Retrospective Brigade. I can't believe that this thing I did all that time ago has made it. It's on the pad now. It's on the pad. It's been impagulated. Comics Sans Frontiers.

I mean, I do think that, how do we feel about, you know, your patch atoms of the world? I would like to see one. one of these clown doctors who's who's actually a really serious clown doctor. Mm. He takes the, he takes the, he takes the, he takes the doctoring part a little bit more serious. Right. A lot of the time, it seems they're leaning much more towards the clown part. Yes.

Bringing the joy in there. And I feel like the medicine gets a little bit, you know, second. What about? A clown forensic pathologist. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, working there in the morgue performing autopsies. That's right, because a lot of the clown doctors are GPs.

Or at least, you know, they're sort of, they're definitely pretty general practitioners in a hospital. Or I imagine a sort of a local practice. But some of them must get into specialties. Clown doctor proctologist. Oh, I mean, it's already, it's already potentially one of the funniest, uh, funniest, uh, funniest doctorologies, uh, specialisms, but maybe it could be funnier. And, you know, maybe these guys, uh, oh, imagine the, imagine wearing big gloves. Big gloves, there you go.

Huge, huge gloves. And you're like, uh-oh. Yeah. Oh, it's not going in. I'm going to have to push harder. Or, you know, putting it in something, you put your finger in with a, you got a little balloon over your finger. It looks like you're wearing a glove. They just look at just the finger.

But then you can actually blow up the balloon while it's in there. Oh, now that's comedy. I think my finger's allergic to urinus like that. And it's starting to swell. Oh, now it's stuck. Yeah, really good. And then you can do like the old, oh, I found a lump and then you pull it out and it's like a $2 coin.

Or it's like a turd. Or it's a turd. I wonder if they ever pull out a turd while they're doing that. Yeah. As a joke. Oh. I found a tonka truck in there, a little one there. One of those little tomah trucks.

Oh, that would be. funny how'd this get in there any and any of that stuff yeah i mean have imagine the amount of dildas they have in their pockets so they can be like oh i just found this in there i'll just get this out of the way yeah well what are you been up to with this jesus right there's no room at the uh at the inn all they out uh oh my you'd have so much fun you would but and you know all i guess all these people are having sort of tests for very serious cancers and things like that. But I mean, imagine, you know, you've been to the prophologist and you're able to go and tell, go back and tell the boys, you know, went along.

And honestly, it was the, it was the show of a lifetime. Yeah. I mean, I think you should get those guys that do those cooking on the flat top things. You know those guys? The Tepeniacchi. cooking thing, tepaniaki guys. Yeah. Man, last time I saw that, it was the best show I've ever seen.

And I was like, you need to get those guys into medicine. You know, they're already wearing the whites, you know. I mean, if doctors had that many bits, you know, and they could be, like, throwing, like, cotton balls into your mouth or whatever. Or, you know, like little paddle pop sticks. Yep. Hey, I know you were involved in the new, uh, Bulk billing?

Bulk billing. Did you write that line about it tasting like chocolate or caramel? I wish. No, that was Jonathan Schuster. How good's that? That was really good. It's a great joke. Yeah, I really like that. That's the new one with Goxie. The first one's out. I actually don't know if I wrote... I really didn't write that much, and I've been given a writing credit by Jonathan on the whole series, which feels unfair because he did almost all the work. but we'll see

I haven't seen all the edits of the other episodes yet but yeah I'll put a link to that in the show notes you can check out bulk billing season two only 12 years after the first season it's a legacy sequel

it's a legacy sequel yeah and if you ever go back to some of the old episodes I've got an episode from 11 12 years ago and he's got one very good so you got a new episode though as well Yeah, I'm coming back. They brought me back. Holy moly. I didn't bring you back, Alistair. Does it reference the old episode that you were in?

No. Are you playing the same doctor? Yes, I'm playing my same doctor character, my iconic performance. Oh my gosh. That's very exciting. Okay, let me take us through the sketch ideas. Okay. I probably got to get on with life. We've got an absurd pickup lines. Any of you ladies want to step into the cabin? we got

then that's we're also trying to discovering new male mystiques not just am I a danger am I dangerous and what's in my pocket but is there a snake in my boot for example new mystiques

new new questions for women to wonder we've got Andy's dream that that uncovered a kayak jump scare the upside down kayak. You flip it, a live zombie in it. What a jump scare. What a sketch idea. I mean, it's not a sketch idea.

It's a jump scare, but I think that can be used. We got healing fists. Somebody so weak they can heal with their fists. We got trying to tell the modern man to check if they've been rejected or whether or not they actually just need to piss. We got a chill-maxing drink to sedate the energy-filled populace. We have the three tubes law for clothes, which involves new tube trading scheme, and the repercussions on how it would reshape society. I'm very excited about this sketch idea.

Yeah, we've got the English-France-style Worldwide War with your neighbors. Yep. We've got the State Emergency Musical Retrospective Brigade. Love that that's made it to the pad. Andy. It's in terms of clear sketch ideas, it's pretty thin going today. We've got clown forensic pathologists, and we have clown proctologists, which are two of the same idea. No, they're completely different.

Yeah, they're a different. Clown prologist, that could well be the name of the episode, I think. I wouldn't be surprised if that's what you did, Andy. But we'll see. We'll see if you surprise me. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Thank you so much for listening to in the think tank.

Check out Bogbie Logs stories for kids in the show notes. Thank you. Check it out. Check it out. Have a bloody listen or let your kid listen. Yes. And see if maybe I do this strong logs episode. It's the first Bobby Logg's sibling I'm going to reveal. Did we talk about that on the episode? I think so. We did, didn't we? Yeah, great. Yeah. Yep. Yeah, that's why I wrote down Healing Fists.

Exactly right. And let me just say, without any further ado, I love you. And I love you. Goodbye. Bye.