Simple Swedish Podcast - 54 - "ABSOLUTE MINIMUM WAGE"

Episode Date: November 22, 2016

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Hello and welcome to Two in the Thing Tank to show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy and I am Alistair and this is yeah, this is it. This is where I see it This is all there is you know, this is you know, you you might have been sitting around waiting for um I know things to change, you know, someone to come into your life and say come with me. I've uh I've discovered your true potential. Yeah a kidnapper probably yes I don't know. Do you think any kidnappers lure you with like promises of potential? Yeah. If someone pulled up in a white bed next to me in the street and said, hey, I've got

your potential in here. Oh, I think that's how you that would get me in like that. That's how that's an adult napper. You know, okay, that is the first sketch. It's adult napping. Okay. What are they used to lure you into the van? Candy. You go, no, no, not candy. I'm not even sugar right now.

But this is a like a sort of a vegan cookie where the stevia tastes a lot like sugar like you don't get that edge on the on the weird like No, it's a cookie that unleashes your potential. Okay. Sorry. You're right. Your potential, I think that's some kind of drug. Is it the face of sort of lurdy drug? Cookie that unleashes your potential? No, no, no, no. If you come with me, you'll be better. You'll be, uh, yeah.

And you won't think about that thing from high school, nearly as much. Yeah, I look, hey, hey, big boy. Where you going? Where you heading, man? You just walking home, are you? Yeah? Say I got our whole Box of Comedy magazines from the 50s that have got some really quite progressive jokes in there It'll really inspire you about the power of comedy too.

Hey, come in here. I've got some Eckhart toll in my car and you could listen to that and learn to use the tools of your mind, but then put them away and just feel calmness. Is that what Eckhart tells us? It's all about now, the power of now. but then put them away and just feel calmness. Is that what I got to tell? It's all about now, the power of now. But does he also talk about tools in the mind? Because I like just that phrase has got me going. Oh man, no, yeah, that's the thing.

I love the mind and I love tools. Yeah, look, tools in the mind. Get in my van. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. I'll say you gotta write that down. I'll say you got to write that down, it'll be out and having, luring you into the van, maybe they've got, I think the key to this though is going to be zeroing in on exactly what those things are that we all secretly love, but perhaps haven't admitted to ourselves because you could say things like, I've got some really great charcoal drawings, which we all pretend to like charcoal drawings, but maybe we don't

love, you know, charcoal drawings in our childish hearts. Yeah. So, wait, so you're suggesting that he has charcoal drawings? Well, he, like that might be an option. That might be a thing we could, we could suggest, but I'm wondering if that's quite got it. But is it the potential to like charcoal drawings more? That's good. Yes. I'll show you how to appreciate charcoal drawings. Get in my bed. All been right. You're going to really see texture in a different way. And you're going to be able to talk convincingly about the play of light on Dappled Rocks. I think that's a rock solid sketch idea.

Do you think you need to contrast it with him trying to pick up a kid first? Hey, you want to come in here? You want to come in here, got some candy for you. And then you go, and he pulls up next to an adult man. Oh, you want to come in here? I've got the opportunity to develop some of you potential. Some of your ideas in that sketchbook. I've got ways of unleashing your genius that you know is truly there. But you just don't have the time to work on. And also all these emotional vampires are just holding you back. I won't let that happen. I've got a work space've got a workspace office where you can get away from an awful,

at least an hour a day. I've got a really good rationale for why all your failures are someone else's faults. Get in my van. Don't worry, this stands up to scrutiny. You'll convince yourself it's true. But you won't even have to convince you. You'll even have to. That's how good it is.

I don't know about having the kid at the start there. I think just the beaten up old van, like maybe you see, look, maybe he just drives slowly, pass some kids and you think he's going to talk to the kids. But, oh, maybe it's a like maybe it's a father walking with his kids or something like that, right? And the guy pulls up, the way it's shot, you only see the kids, right? And the van, and he pulls up, and he wants down, he's going to only think he's going to talk to the kids. And then we reframe, so you can see the dad, or you know, he says something, and then we reframe,

you see the dad there, and the dad is like, really tempted by it, and that eventually leaves the kids on the footpath and goes, gets into the van. I know, I think, like, I do like that a lot. I think, I still think that it might need, like, you need to have the kidnapping thing maybe to have the contrast, not 100% sure, but if it was same scenario,

look, let's just go out in the streets, film a whole lot of kidnappings. It's like, the whole people of different ages will just see what happens. Well, what if it was the same scenario, a man with three kids or something like that. And the van pulls over and he goes, hey, you kids want to come with me. I've got a, you know, I've got a whole bunch of chocolate and things like that. And they go, no, Mr. we don't go with strangers.

And then what about you, Dad, you want to come with me? Yeah. That's, that's great. I wonder if we still sort of do the double framing thing because it feels like you wouldn't be able to convince you like the idea of him pulling up alongside the kids while the dad is right there. Yeah. Is is a bit jarring.

It's a bit right. Yeah. You know normally the way I understand these things. Yeah. What do I understand about kidnapping. Just from the popular media is that the kids are on their own and the van pulls up right and the dad being there I don't think he would pull up right so if we just frame it and shoot in such a way that you don't see the dad until he starts talking to the dad. But then maybe that's more confusing so I don't know.

Look it's fine but I think I think it would be jarring at first but then maybe that's more confusing. I don't know. Look, it's fine, but I think it would be jarring at first, but then you get used to it. But you'd really adapt really quickly. You'd be like an axolotl. People will live in it. The human mind is like putty. No builder has ever said that this putty is like the human mind. Honey, we've hired some builders to renovate the extra wing that we're hopefully

are going to put on the house. Yes. And they've brought all their materials, they seem to be working entirely with putty. I'm going to just have a big truck of putty. This is crazy. I guess I must have brought this up. I don't know, but I think about all the time this cartoon from like this magazine called, oh no, it's from a book of like a compilation of Australian cartoons right from like the depression era through to now or whatever. It's called Stop Laughing, this is serious.

And the only cartoon that I remember from the entire thing is a film from like World War One, where they were like building short issues, there were shortages of materials and so and there's just a scene where a builder is standing there and he's got a window frame and then the like the brick space where the window frame would go It's like much bigger than the the window frame and he's like That's close enough. We can fill the rest with putty And I think about that probably twice a week that cartoon But what's the what is the actual joke there? The joke is that I get, well, and I wouldn't have got that straight away.

Yeah. But it was about the shortage of building materials. I guess we didn't have many bricks or something during the war because they were using all the bricks to build tanks. Yeah. And the machine guns and things. What they don't tell you about the Army is that they also need a lot of garden sheds. Yeah. Well, I mean, what's crazy is it? Imagine going...

You're not going mo people down on the battlefield without a place to keep the bloody moa, mate. Imagine that. Imagine going to war and just... Most of your shipping is just shipping pallets of bricks. You know, we should have had a bloody brick... A bloody brick manufacturer over here. That would have made a lot more sense. If only we had 3D printing technology and we could 3D print the bricks on situ. Absolutely.

In situ. Oh, especially if you could just sit the 3D printer in some mud and then just 3D prints using the mud. It's a big ride. Yeah, I mean, look. The 3D printer just wallowing there in the mud like a pig. Like a pig splashing it around and taking it, shitting out these bricks. A lot of people in probably in some in some probably these war torn countries probably would just actually just put the mud in a brick mold and then that would be your brick. What

do you talk about war torn countries? That's what my parents' house is made out of. My parents' house is a mud brick house. I can't believe I stayed in there. And that is a... And I don't feel safe in your parents' house anymore. As far as I'm aware, I wasn't born in a war zone. No, I know, but I'm just suggesting that... Do you think that there are any areas that are like a war zone,

but where no one has come to have a war yet, like, you know, there's a lot of things that like a zoned commercial, sorry, you can't have peace here. This is a war zone. Yeah. Like, there's like the residential, you know, when it comes to housing and urban development, there's like residential zone, industrial zone, commercial zone, and there's also war zone and the urban developers, urban planners are like, oh no, you can't build residential in there, that's. Well, not commercial, but about this. Not completely, it's a war zone.

That's a war zone, sorry mate, you're gonna have to build, you could either build rubble. You can do it. Yeah. You know, maybe if you're, you know, at a pinch, you could sort of just put the sort of the big cement frame of a multi-story building, but you're not going to be able to. It's going to have to be riddled with bullet holes. Yeah, and, you know, people can live in it, but the front face, the front facade will have

to be missing. Yeah, well, they can't really live. They can cower. Yeah, it to be missing. Yeah, well, they can't really live. They can cower. Yeah, it would be not. They can. The standard of cowering in this area is very high. I want them to be constantly dodging sniper, snipers. Sniper fire.

Sniper fire. Is there anything in that? Let us sketch. I think so. A wall zone. Yeah, look, I think that. No, I don't want to have to convince you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, A war zone. Yeah, look, I think I think I don't want to have to convince you. It's still at its like first level. I think we need to get deeper. Yeah, you want like, I don't know, how would you get to further in for it to be like, is there a reason why there's a war zone?

Or is it just the absurd, it's probably just the absurdity of a town planner who's got the zoning. But also, maybe it's a, well, what if it's like one of those residential developments, right? But, instead of it being advertised, like Delphin, you never hear about Delphin anymore, but those are states that they build, where there's a swim, a pond, they build an artificial lake and then they build a whole lot of suburb around it. Yeah, well I think that's probably still happening in the outer suburbs. I don't know, it just doesn't happen in the middle of the city.

And it's just not called Delphin. But you do that. But for some reason it's a war zone. They're constructing a war zone. Yeah. Look, I think it's maybe they're advertising it. Maybe it's an ad for it on television. Okay. Now I'm putting it in a format you'll understand. I almost said a firmat you'll understand. Do you know is that a thing? Oh, a Firmat's last theorem. And what did that have to do? Nothing. No, but what was Firmat's last theorem? Firmat's last theorem is about, OK, so what it is,

this is my understanding. Yeah. OK. This is my understanding. A squared plus B squared equals C squared, right? Is like a, that's, you can have a sum of two squares and that will make another square number, right? With whole numbers. I think Fermat's last theorem is something to do with like a cubed plus b cubed

cannot equal c cubed or something like that. Right. I could be wrong. I could be totally wrong. No, that's cool. Something about the sum of polynomials, right? And we're talking calculus here. Talking calculus, we're talking mathematics. We're talking listeners switching off bottom. No, no, no, no, but is this where you, let's say on a 2D axis graph, then you create, let's say like a curve. Could be a curve, could be a curve. And then you spin it around that axis creating

a third dimension. Oh, sounds good to me. You get a weird cone. You get a three-dimensional cone. Yeah, three-dimensional cone. And then, the great thing about firmats last year, I'm sorry to interrupt you, Alastair. He got a weird cone. He had three dimensional cone. Yeah, three dimensional cone. And then- The great thing about Fermat's last theorem, sorry to interrupt you, L.A. That's what I wanted.

Was that Fermat, the reason it's called Fermat's last theorem, right, was that he was a mathematician back in like the 1600s or something like that, old mathematician from the past. Right, of course. And he had all these notebooks, and he was a very good mathematician. But he had all these notebooks and he was a very good mathematician, but he had all these notebooks and textbooks. And Fermat's last theorem, there was a there was a page in a textbook that he had owned that made a reference to this problem and the fact that no one had found a solution, like a proof, to prove that that was the case. They suspected it was the case, but no one had

proved it. And Fermat wrote in the margin, he wrote, I've discovered a rather neat proof of this, but it is too large to fit in the margin here, right? And then everyone, like, someone found that, that he'd written that, and they couldn't find the proof anywhere in any of his notes, right? So for like hundreds of years, there was just this idea that maybe this guy had solved this thing and nobody else could solve it.

And he just left the most like, tempting little thing, which I think is great. All right, what I want to do is I want to go down to the maths library and go through all the really, really complicated textbooks and just, just, you know, put a little note in the essay. Hi, Andy Matthews have yet again discovered at one rather fascinating and convenient little proof of this unsolvable problem. And, but anyway, it's too big to fit it.

Anyway, I don't have the time to put it around here. I'm a very busy, a popular maid. I mean, I'm in a library, writing in one of the library books. Oh, God, the librarian's seen me. They don't link your router. Nothing, nothing, I'm just testing my pen. I'm using the eraser in. I'm using the other in. Oh, it's just...

Oh no, I mean, pens have a rise, some of them do, the fancy ones. No, I'm just in here, er, er, rising, other people's notes. That's it. I'm a new soul. Someone is written in this textbook. Oh, trying to be remembered in the future. Oh, trying to defile it. What? Defying death.

Defying death. Defying, look, I think there's something funny in that. And in the in the in the Fermat's idea. Yeah, well, well, either in your in you know, in in your doing it. But I mean like like didirmat have any other big achievements before? I think he'd show on various things. And he was known to be at the time

a very good mathematician and a lot of his stuff still stands up to scrutiny. And I think that's one of the reasons why it's still so tempting to point to this and say, look, maybe it's possible. But in the end, it was only solved eight years ago, right? So eventually someone was able to solve Firmats like Ethereum or prove whatever. Come up with this proof.

But it is so complicated and relies on branches of mathematics that didn't even exist when Firmat was around. So I think as well as proving this thing, he's also proven that Firmat didn't have a proof didn't have a proof But but but with math there could always be different routes to get to think yeah, I wonder Maybe I mean yeah, it's it's possible that he thought he had a proof and then he also did I think I think that's what they think it probably was Because I mean I guess if you did have a proof you would put it in a really important place unless somebody stole it. But I mean, even if they stole it, they would have seen it had value and they think they

would have put it in an important place. You don't steal things that don't have value. No. What if you, what if, what if that, what about a sketch about someone who's stealing things based purely on speculation? Like, look, I don't like this and nobody likes this, but in like 50 years' time, this could be big. So I'm taking it.

So, like gum wrappers? Or, yeah, gum wrappers, I'm maybe, like, what about, okay, what about this, right? It's an art burglar who comes around to somebody's house, right? And, Art burglar. No, okay, sorry, it's not art burglar. I've got to hit it myself. It's just a art burglar who comes around to somebody's house. Right? Art burglar. No, okay, sorry, it's not art burglar. I've got to hit it myself.

It's just a regular burglar. Okay. Comes around to somebody's house. Right? And there's like all this tempting stuff. Like there's, you know, a laptop and there's a Sony high-definition video camera. Right? Great.

But then, and maybe this burglar's got an accomplice, but then the burglar sees on the fridge like a child's drawing, and they're like, I think we should take that. I'm like, what are you talking about? Well, okay, it's not good, but I can see a lot of potential. Now, this kid could grow up to be like the next Picasso. Yeah. Okay? And imagine if you had an original Picasso.

If you had a Picasso, is one of his kids drawing? When he was a child, think what that would be worth. I mean, it's an investment. They've filled this now. Yeah. You know, in 50s time, we could be billionaires. Yeah, and then there's like, what are you talking about? It's a child's drawing, yet, but come over here.

Look at the play of the light on the dampled rocks. Look at the way the charcoal. I mean, you could even do it, even if it was like an art burglar, which is a great expression art burglar. Thanks. Where it's like, there, you know, let's say there's uh... let's say there's a Sydney Nolan on the let's say

and then there's some guy who's just a young and up in comor yeah and and and they're like quick we gotta get any of the coming in like that and then he's like quick to the Nolan he goes yeah but

Nolan's on the bloody wire no I mean Nolan's in his time in the sun yeah but this guy Nolan he's painting an Australian ideal that That no longer resonates with the modern psychic Fashion or if God forbid something was to happen to this boy Yes, he was the parish and his and his star were to win most.

He was humously. Yeah. We could this will be worth bloody thousands. And and this makes me feel things you know I feel like this painting gets it's going to the core of what it is to be a man. I mean Nolan he's repeating himself okay he's found a joke and he's he's rehashing it over and over again but this. I mean I'm feeling I'm tingling I mean I'm angry with Nolan I'm doing this I'm angry with the art collector for buying this and buying into this exactly but you and I

I mean we're consumers and we can take a stand we can say this has value you can you can vote with your hands and yes and yet thieves sack. Whatever let's get out of here they're coming in. I mean it's been shittling that dollop for about 15 minutes. And then he's like no wait maybe we shouldn't do this. This deserves to be seen. We shouldn't be taking this away. You shouldn't be here. There should be in the in the loop. We're just taking this and bringing it straight to the national gallery. I think that's really good.

Yeah. Yeah. Art thieves with who like see the potential in a. I realize I don't know how to spell burglar. Art burglar. I'm an art burglar. Me. I'm an art burglar. Art burglar. I'm an art burglar, me? I'm an art burglar.

Art burglar. I think it's great because burglar sounds a bit like burger. And art has a good, nice hard, hard, hard, r. It's just, I don't know, it's just, it's beautiful. I think I almost want to make, I want to call a show art burglar. That's, uh, absolutely.

You could call a child art burglar. Art burglar. Art burglar, Trump labor, just. I art was definitely on our kids list. I think art might have been on our list as well. It's a good word. Yeah. I think my problem, it came down to fart.

It's just like art, fart. Yeah. And also being kind of like, like lefty living in a kind of like a hipsterie suburb, it feels weird calling your kid art because then it feels like rather than seeing it as the name art, people are seeing it as like you're calling your name. Like you're calling it, so you're calling your kid beauty. You know, like beautiful. You are your essence, your sublime. Hi, this is my sublime.

This is not my sublime. This is my son sublime sunset. Yeah. Dr. Leverage. Well, this is my sublime experience. Sublime sunset. No, this is my son sublime. He's called sublime because if you heat him up, he turns straight into a gas. It doesn't become a liquid. Is that? That's what sublimation is, is to go from being a solid to being a gas

without being a liquid in between. That's what dry ice does. Because it's frozen carbon dioxide and it goes straight from a solid to a gas. Of course, because it's no liquid phase. Is there no liquid phase or is it just like mostly imperceptible? Oh, I must say. You've absolutely gone to the core of this, haven't you? You see me trying to pull a swift one and you said this will not stay. Andy, I don't think it was you. I blame the scientific institution. No, I actually don't

know the answer to that question. Of course, but you know, it's possible that, you know, sublimation is a real thing, but I'm yet to see everything. Hey, what about also just on the art burglar thing, right? Somebody who's an art burglar, but they don't actually steal any art. All they take is inspiration. Oh, they break into art dealers and art collectors houses and they go in there and they do a little, like they stand in front of it and do a little sketch. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good. Okay, I'm going to use this color palette. Oh, absolutely.

Oh, I'm going to, yeah, I'm going to, I'm going to use this as a study for a few works that I want to do. I'm trying to achieve the same emotional range, emotional range, I'm not trying. The thing is, is that I don't believe in Google images. I need to see the real thing. There is something to that, though, because when you see a piece of work in the flesh, it's always smaller than you expect. It's smaller than you think.

There's more detail, perhaps, but also there's the texture. Apparently, if you go and see Turner's work, right, hang in there, whatever, the National Gallery in bloody England, you can see the texture of the brush strokes, and that's part of it. That's part of the art. And he was trying to do things with the texture of the brush strokes and that's part of it. That's part of the art. And he was trying to do things with the texture of the brush strokes that you'll never

get from looking at it. Unless you can get a screen, you know? Screen shot. No computer screen that has. Topical map. Topographic map. Three dimensional brush strokes. You can see the brush strokes.

Yeah. Well, in that case, yeah. So, all right. It'll be exactly the same if not better. Probably better. I mean, one of you ever had a good time even in regular life. Never. But all happens online. Oh, I had an idea.

So what about this? This is a virtual reality thing, okay? Because, you know, there's always like, things where in sci-fi or whatever, where you're going to like virtual reality or you're going to some sort of a dream state, right? And it'll seem like you've been in there for a really long time. But, and then you come out and you're like,

oh, Helen was under. And they're like, oh, you're only gone for a couple of seconds, right? So you're in this virtual reality. And then you, you know, it seems like you've lived years. I just want you to know I love time dilution. Oh, great. Well, you're going to hate this then. Yeah, great. Because this is the opposite. Okay. So why is there never a sci-fi thing? Right? Where someone goes into this virtual world. Yeah. Right? And it seems like they're only spending a few seconds in this blissful paradise.

Maybe they're revisiting a loved one or something like that. They can relive a moment, but then they come out and they've been in there for two or three years, right? Which I think is more plausible even, right? Because maybe that something about this system is what that like we can only receive that level of detail in this Virtual reality by like slowing down your perception of time So that or speeding up or whatever so that like like if we can we can pump it in like if you get closer to a black hole totally yeah, yeah look Bringing up the first thing that it that it comes up is the Matthew McConaughey movie where he's in space.

Interstellar? Interstellar, something like that. A little bit happens there. All right, but it's not to recreate an experience is that he goes into onto one of the planets. Yep. And then he's only there for a very short period of time because he realizes it's a, you know now it's like an ocean planet and

there's just tsunami after tsunami and then he has to leave and then years and years have passed. We get time and like his family are old and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I love the idea that because like what I think you always encounter like in regular life is that there's, like sci-fi doesn't always show this. It makes a technology that seems like it's this perfect thing that solves all these problems. But even with the best technology, there's always these limits that you realize. So let's say there was teleportation or something like that. I think the limitations would end up being that it ends up taking a gigantic amount of energy that is like unsustainable for the earth to be allowing people to constantly

be doing that. And so I like the idea that there's this kind of thing where you can take somebody back in time or take their mind back in time with that, but in order to do it, there's a huge time expense that, you know, like, let's say, it's that you can access a perfect memory. Imagine that idea that you could go back. Wow, and really live a moment from your past, and it would just be like exactly that, like, you know, you could just be your lost parents or something like that or. Yeah, but it would take some, you would have to like reconf... like, you know, through some exterior thing, maybe, maybe some magnetic waves, maybe some, yes, you know, some some exterior thing, maybe some magnetic waves. Oh, oh, yes. You know, some diodes, probably diodes, I would be surprised if they were in there.

You could superconductors. Superconductors, absolutely. And you could get the brain to, you could reconfigure it to sort of like, to be able to access and recreate a memory in perfectness, but you would have to change its processing in order to do it And so that would take a huge amount of time and so you would kind of go into this weird Comatose state and But but it would be like a drug right where people would like Love this thing like whatever this memory is right you come out of it and you've been under for like five years your five years

Older right and you're like I need that again Right, it's only a few seconds of this thing, but you go back in and you spend another five years of your life. Yeah, and maybe there's this little hit of like this beautiful memory or whatever. Maybe the way that you could pay for it, the way that you can sort of justify it

as well to yourself is that what you're actually doing, let's say it's like a retirement thing, you're actually, you're sort of scaling down and so you're going into this like compound where they allow you to do this, but it also means that you can rent out your house and that you don't live there and all that kind of stuff. So you're actually cost of living goes down because because we won't be able to afford because of how many people there'll be, there won't be any kind of. So anyway, you reduce the cost of living, you go, this is

five years that I can, you know, it'll take me to 70 and then I'll be able to have enough money to kind of get take me to about a hundred after that. So if I just do this and then I can, you know, it'll take me to 70. And then I'll be able to have enough money to kind of get, take me to about a hundred after that. So if I just do this and then I can just, I can just see my, my wife's eyes one more time on the first time that we met. And I just experienced that, that first week, I mean, in crystal clear, that first week. I mean, in crystal clear. That's beautiful, honestly. I feel like if we want to make this comedy again, because remember this is the show where

we try and come up with five skidgeties. I've got two ideas for how that can be funny, right? Number one is a slight different version of that, which is where somebody goes into a virtual reality, right? And they're like, they come out and they're like, oh, oh, my God, it feels like I was gone for seven or eight hours. How long was I under? And they're like, the technicians like, you're only under for six and a half hours. How much comedy is that? It's very small relative to the complexity of the setup.

Anyway, and the other idea, if I had that could be funny, is that if we set up this incredibly beautiful and moving thing of like spending time with loved ones and Family or whatever it is And then we just get a character who just like it's Totally missy easy. Yeah, like oh I had a quite a good sandwich better weekend I thought they're like you could just go and get the sandwich from the same place as a home. No, but this one was just right. No, but there's a god, there's a new god

who works in now and he doesn't care about us. Well, he doesn't put as much avocado, top slots. Well, there is, like, there was that one, like in the early times whenever I, like, when early high school, no, early uni, I started taking a little bit of weed at the time and so I got into this weird weed period of my life and I remember in the really early on-ster I didn't know you were a drug fiend, I don't want to do the podcast with you anymore.

Oh well I still feel like it's worth telling the story even though- Alright you can finish this story but then it's over. I'm losing some of my most important friendships over it. Assuming that I also can't see your you you know, your lovely wife after this and probably your parents. No, you can see her, obviously. I wouldn't stop that. And the third world at home. By the way, I don't think it was a third world home.

Maybe I think maybe I was just saying that in a war torn country, that would be really luxurious to get to live in a quite a nice, self built mud brick home. Maybe that's the way that works You know that pick up like you want to have the best house on the worst street someone's Marketing I don't know some house by like building it a whole war to on street around the war to in the street And you go yeah, but once once this neighborhood gets a bit better. Yeah, now, you want to live in a war zone.

Anyway, yeah, it's a good investment. There was the best house on the worst street. And this is the worst street. I mean, there isn't even a street. It's actually just one pot house. It's just a ditch filled with blood And some of my dead mites The best house on the worst ditch filled with mud in the suburb

So back in those days when I was when I was hitting and I was hitting the Marijuana a couple times hitting hitting the giant, hitting the jazz. One of the first times, I made a Greek salad that was so good that it was like, it was the peak of my Greek salad life. All right, and it was so good. And to this day, I've never been able to quite, you know, have been chasing that high. And I would love, even if I had to spend two years of my life I'd love to go back. To just go back and have that Greek sound. So maybe you could just contrast it

with somebody who comes out of the thing. Yeah. How long have I been out? Maybe they're sitting in the waiting room or something, talking about what they're either going in to do or what they've just come out of. I reckon they're probably, they've walked out of the room. And they're old men now.

They're old men. And then they go to the front desk, and they're kind of like, you know, they're signing everything and paying maybe, although I reckon you pay pre-pay. Well, you probably have to sign out. Anyway. Let's try, let's try and get this realistic else to do that. I mean, you wouldn't have somebody come in and do the service takes two years

Yeah, yeah, and then say and or that'll be you $400,000 please and like I don't have any money I guess the chance is them doing a run-o will be lower now that they're old and maybe the hips of gold Yeah, I know but you still don't know like maybe they were homeless I don't even realize they were just looking. This is a great way of meeting them. We can have a really touching and beautiful shot where one of them is like in the bathroom like up to coming out of this thing, like washing his hands and like looking at his face

in the mirror and like feeling the lines and his face that weren't there before. Yeah, yeah, that's right. And then it's another guy who comes out and what it actually was he was like Oh, that was so good. I really it's just I hadn't had a chance to try Like to try steak flavored chips for so long And then they just continued this continued them and I haven't been able to get that flavor again Yeah, I was like, the look in my wife's eye. And he's just coming out and he's still kind of like wiping his fingers on his shirt.

I guess he wouldn't actually get real. Yeah, it's like, it's that realistic you feel like. Oh. It's just the wiping in his mouth. I'm going back. I'm going to have Saya or C you and guacamole this time. I Think I think that's a sketch. Yeah, I think it is like you know, and I think it's it's ambitious It's ambitious. It's got it's got it's got a party in it

It's got paythas and it and it has a style to it that that would separate it from other sketches and other sketch shows This isn't this isn't just your run of the mill, pun sketch. It's not even a pun sketch. Absolutely. All right. Andy, you're gonna have to fill while I try and remember. Hey, leave it with me, Alistair.

I am a, hey, well, this is a thing I thought of. I don't know what to do with it, but it's just the word blisstopia, right? And it's like a dystop it, but it's just the word blisstopia. Right? Love it so far. It's like a dystopia, except it's really good. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that's exactly the same as a utopia. Yes, but this is a pun.

So in that way, it's even better than a utopia because it's got a fun name. Maybe it could be a movie called blisstopia or maybe it could just be an episode of a fun name. Maybe it could be a movie called Bliss Topia, or maybe it could just be an episode of a television show. Anyway, it's not so much a sketch as it is a title. And I feel like you deserve that. You're entitled to it very much. Anyway, Alistair, how you going over there? It's just the...

There's a lot of detail. There's a lot of detail. I think I've captured know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I think it would be rude for you to make me repeat it when the listeners have already had to sit through it once. Just because I mean you're the root with me if you weren't listening. You can't expect it to listen again. I like the idea that there's just a part of every podcast where every single listener switches off. I mean, like... You like idea. That that haunts me. Well, yeah, I think it's the bits where I'm talking.

I wonder if there's any podcast where like where just coincidentally, there's a three minute part where every single person who's listened to it has switched off and not heard what's going on. I guess that's just, it has switched off and not heard what's gonna. I guess that's just, it's very similar to my idea that I had a long time ago about people discovering in an island somewhere and they go, it's just off the coast of Australia and then they go, how are we not serious? It turns out no one ever looked that way. Well, what about this? Okay, let's talk to our directly to our listeners right now, right? For a change, we're talking directly to the listeners.

And what we'll say is, okay, listeners, on the count of three, we want every single one of you to hit the fast forward 10 seconds button, right? And then the next things that Alan and I say, no one will ever hear. Okay. Right? There will be a little secret bit of the podcast, but it's all about trust. It's all we know. We trust you that you'll either click the next 10 seconds thing or just scroll ahead

10 seconds. It's my particular podcasting doesn't have a certain. Oh, okay. All right. Well, no, but we trust you. We trust you and this is so important, right? Because we're going to say some stuff, right? But it's not, it's not, it's, it's going to be a little capsule that'll

never be opened. It'll be like a piece of treasure and it'll just be an exercise in self-control. And you'll, by exercising that self-control, you'll become a stronger person, right? And you'll be able to, like, next time you're tempted by like a sugary treat or a hit of smack, right? You'll be able to say, but I remember that time when I didn't listen to those that bit in the podcast. Ten seconds that I wasn't supposed to listen to. And I didn't. So anyway, here we go. Three, two, one. Skip. Skip. All right. Bums, bums, bums, bums, bums, bums, bums. Think about death a lot. Yeah, I think about death. I often am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I never really think it works as a joke. I've been telling the 10 seconds. They might be tuning back in. Oh, they're back in. Oh, I've revealed too much.

Hello. Welcome back. We need another 10 seconds. We didn't get through this. That was really revealing stuff. I said it. But sometimes, I think about, I imagine myself being dead. For a second, I can convince myself that I'm dead.

Yeah. And then I go, they go, oh, I'm still alive. Sorry, I'm still alive. I've got so much to live for. Like that, and I'm really excited that I'm not dead. But then I remember that I'm still going to die and then I go, oh, that's a real bummer. And then I get back to normal.

So that I hit some real short-lived bit of bliss. Yeah, I mean, one of the real shames about being alive is that it gives you so much more time to fear death. Yeah. I mean, it's probably one of the worst things about life. Yeah, it's all the, you know, the death, terror of your own mortality. Yeah, but look, this is what I was going to say. But then on the flip side,

one of the problems of being dead is that you're not alive. So, yeah, nothing's perfect. Swings and roundabouts. I mean, not really swings all roundabouts when you're dead. No, but this is what I was going to say is that, you know, I always think about this about how, you know, when I picture death, I picture it, that it'll be dark, you know, I always think about this about how, you know, when I picture a death, I picture it that it'll be dark. It'll be a picture, it'll be blackness, but it won't be blackness because blackness is something. Sure. Right? So it'll probably be endless transparency.

Well, I wonder if what death will be is that last moment of our mental thought, right? Just really intensely. So you think the death, because I think there's a mistake that a lot of people have, is that they think that whatever you feel in the very last moment before that. I think I've already talked about this on the podcast. It's a theory that I don't really believe,

but I think that anyway. A note that you will hold for the rest of eternity. So you go. But why not? Why not? Whatever part of your brain that perceives time is part of your conscious, you know, existence. And if that bit switches off at the same time

as the rest of the stuff switches off, right? Well, like time won't appear to pass for you. Yeah, but you also, nothing will appear. Like you won't be feeling anything right because Sure, but you know time man. It's just an illusion That's true. I mean, but it also seems like it's not that illusion Luzery at all it seems very real. What if you had a clock app on your phone, right? That whenever you open it up to check the time it

just says time is an illusion man. What if what if the last thing you do before you die was look at the time and then felt bored and then that was what you felt for the rest of eternity. Look I think that's a really good theory and I think you are a silly duffer. I'm gonna take my... Do you think there's a Nobel Prize for speculation? What about a metaphysical speculation? What about a Nobel Prize for like disillusioning people? A Nobel Prize for like... Yeah, just shutting down people's theories. For efficiency of depressing people, like you could use the fewest words possible

to really make someone sad. Yeah, make people sad. Well, we talked a couple of episodes ago about sad labs. I've continued to think about sad labs, and I still think that it would be a great idea for a sitcom, a whole sitcom based around the characters that work in sad labs. We can say head labs. I don't know if people would want to watch that sitcom.

What was the last show that you saw where it was just sad? I know, but I don't think the thing is just sad. I think what do you think that we joy in the sadness? Well, I think gold because there's joy in that you're it's people who are trying to achieve sadness and find out more about sadness So so they're getting little wins here and there they're getting published. That's true. They're getting to have a you know Experiments that that succeed and that's nice. You know, that's good. Like, you know, even though you might have made 100 people sad because you, I don't know, you showed them their favorite food

and then you showed, you know, then you just do it. It covered in maggots. Yeah, you know, something like that. And if you got a response, you go, fuck it. This confirms, this confirms what we were trying to do. What our theory was. We can make people unhappy.

Yeah. Oh, happy day. Anyway, but I also think, yeah, forget it. We're not here to talk about other ideas from other podcasts. We're going to generate new ones. No, if we want to relive that moment, Alistair will just go into a virtual world Right and give up the next ten years of our lives. Go back to when we first thought of the sad laps Is there something that you would give up a year of your life for?

Well, that's the thing you never really Give up a year of your life. Do you you just give bloody day at a time, mate, for some drudgery. But you also kind of have life in between whatever you dedicate your life. Even if you give up, sure, sure, sure. So even if you sign up for a job and it's a year and you got to go in nine to five men and just work for the man, man, then you still have got life around that. But you're saying give up a whole year of your life, just that chunk. Yeah, it's like it's like it's 33.

I'm not going to do it. Yeah, exactly. And then you'll go straight to 34. Yeah. But then you get this extra thing. Like what would you do it for like a moat head? 50 bucks. Well, let's say, let's say, like, okay, the day before your 33rd birthday, right?

Somebody comes to you. They go. 33rd birthday. It's just fun to sound. 33rd birthday. They go. They go. They go.

They go. They go. They go. They go. They go. They go. They go. They go. They go. They go. They go. They go. They go. They go But the one after that, you're back. Yep.

And when you come back, brand new, shiny, Italian made, Mo-Ped with helmet and sidecar. All right. All you gotta do. And that's it. And it'll happen in an instant. Yeah, that's amazing. And so everyone else around me has sort of lived that year.

Yeah. I think that lived that year. Yeah. I think that would be great. Yeah. There would be like so much to talk about, right? There'd be, I would have so many notifications on Facebook, right? Not really great. All this shit to check. A lot of people probably think you were dead.

A lot of people would think I was dead, which would be great. I get to read all the sad things they wrote about me. Other people would just think you went off Facebook. That's also a thing that I've done. But they'd be like, oh, I thought, no, I didn't know you went away for a year into a weird hyper-nothingness. Yeah.

I thought you would just go on a Facebook. Or dead. It's the same thing. Or dead. And also when I come back, like people will have, you know, had stories to tell and things, things going on. Yeah, you could open wide, they could come inside. Yeah, and I get a moped. You get a moped?

You get a moped? You could start working for Deliveroo. Oh. What is with Deliveroo? I see it quite if you deliveroo people around. I've got a friend of Deliveroo's. Does he do okay out of it? Because it looks like hard work, especially the ones you see that are on the on the bikes. Yeah, I think that big backpack. Look, I think if you do it for a number of weeks and you go all right, then you start getting some assured deliveries per hour. So, you know, like after, so I think after a few weeks, you might get something

that kind of starts fitting within, probably, the legal minimum wage. But it also, because the illegal minimum wage, which I believe is zero. But then it's not really a wage, so probably 0.01. What does it say? It's such a thing as the absolute zero, like absolute zero, like absolute minimum wage. Turns out the actual minimum amount, you can pay someone is negative 273.5 dollars.

We worked it out at a lab, in a sad lab. We found that. People used to think that the minimum you could pay someone was $0. Well, we found that it actually in the... Under ideal circumstances, it could hold back space. You can actually pay someone negative 203 or $0. Kelvin. 73 or zero dollars Kelvin, but at this low level of income people actually achieve a form of super productivity With like I'd get heaps down because they're unencumbered by money, but yeah, there's this resistance within them It goes away and they become unable to procrastinate

Wow and they become unable to procrastinate. Hahaha. Wow. I'm going to put down the idea of absolute minimum wage. Well, I think, I mean, to a certain extent, that probably is the idea behind things like Deliveroo or something like that, where your income is absolutely tied to your level of productivity, right like a lot of these New industries like that You know where the idea of a salary. It's it's dying man. The salary is going out the window It's it's it's this these new models for employment where it's instantaneous Connection between how much you're working and how much you're earning. And it's an instant connection between somebody wanting something and you getting employment straight away. Yeah, yeah. And I think that is the like true sort of measure of the absolute minimum wage. and and in theory the maximization of

productivity if we're a total neoliberal well hopefully that I do whatever that really means I don't actually know hopefully that ideal will die thanks peace out and we're going Bernie yeah Bernie yeah but I also think that maybe like I look we just hit five but I think that we could write down I think that, like, you know, we already had a kind of philosophical sketch today, which I think this could, like, I think this could be the launch of a sort of, you know, a sort of sad, like, like, there's a lot of sketch shows with paythas. So, like, you know, think of it as- Blue jam? Have you seen blue jam? I've seen little bits.

It seems like- It seems like jam. Yeah. Yeah. That has the Chris Mara sketch yet, but it's kind of like it's quite horrific as well. It's very become Yeah, so something like that, but then you pull it back to kind of add a bit more beauty to it and then add a little bit more Philosophy to it and then this other sketch where you, people are getting offered a year of their life. Sure, yeah. An exchange for a little bit. Yeah, like, I think it's weird, it's kind of a weird thing because like,

you're essentially kind of saying to somebody, hey, would you take a year off, you don't exist for that year, for roughly $14,000 or something like that. So you're just trading your existence. See, the thing is though, because you also don't know when you're gonna die, right? So I'm like, I mean, I think it's easy to give away

your hero there, because you could just be giving away your hero there at the end of your life anyway, just due to random chance, at least this way, you're in control, man. At least this way, you get a mopid. Yeah. And isn't that true freedom? True.

Oh, that's freedom. You can zip between cars. You can go down some of those inner city laneways. You can park on the footpath. You could probably. That is true freedom. You could probably ride it on the skate park. I've never seen anyone do that.

I've never seen anyone drop into a half pipe on a mo pet. Yeah, no, but you probably don't watch the rate videos. How much time do you Watch videos from the van's warped tour all constantly? That's all I do when you're not around that was there People can't see me Vans what happened to world industries? You see it felt like there were all these skate companies Echo unlimited world industries I go I've we the people yeah, right?

What happened to them? What was the one that had the little fight was that world industries that had the little fire man? He had attitude. He was cool. What about no fear no fear? Oh and Bad boy, they're still around. I got founded bad boy had a few years ago. No wear it. They. Oh, and bad boy. They're still around. I got found a bad boy. Had a few years ago. Now wear it and I say I'm a bad boy. You found it on the road, Alistair. I don't think that means that bad boy is still around. Just because you found one of their hats on a highway in West Australia. That is a new business model. That is really truly disruptive. If they're just throwing their clothes on the road. I reckon bad boys, then you deliver room.

I'm gonna take us through the sketches that we've got for today. I've got adult napping, which is where you're luring adults with potential. It's really good. And I think that is such a classic Andy and Alistair sketch. It's a classic Andy and Alistair sketch. It's great. We've got war zoning, which is sort of from a town planner's point of view that there's

commercial zones and residential zones, and then there's this war zone, and it's probably going to be a good place to buy a house. Right, you got to get in. A lot of people say, get in when the market is low. But what about get in when the market is not existent because everything's been destroyed? Yeah, I think that's great. A lot of people profit from war. Yeah.

And why not you? And it's taking that sort of economic benefits of conflict and bringing it home to sort of a developed country in the Western world. Yeah, so aren't these people actually constructing the war zone? Because after a war, there's often a big boom. So maybe it is like, why do we have to have the war? Let's just build the war zone, and then you buy that up. You bounce back. Yeah, you move in here, the whole community comes together.

Cumps together in adversity. It's beautiful. Why can't we? Really bonds people. You know, like that was, those were the great, those were the great years in many of you. It's a pity that millions of people have to don't. It's exactly for, you know, for us to get a bit of bonding. Yeah, like, we can recreate that here, but just using a blood-eat, you know, one of those.

Prefab concrete. Prefab concrete, pre-fab concrete, they count with the bullet holes already. And pre-fot is is art burglar where it's a you know, these art burglar that see potential instead of young upstarts, you know, versus kind of people who are established and well known as top people in their field, but maybe their stars waning in terms of, you know,

their popularity and their value of their artwork. Very good, Alistair. Very well summarized. Yeah, and I think that sounds like a hilarious sketch as is, but if you go back and listen to it, for some reason you've just tuned in in the last minute of the podcast, go back and listen to the other part of the earlier thing and you'll see that there's actually some funniness in it. So like, go again, I heard on a, another podcast you have heard, they were talking about, oh, I do go on, they were talking, that's Matt and Jess and Dave Warnocky, they're podcast

about facts and research. You should listen to it. They're all on stupid old podcast studios. But they were talking about GoGan and he recently had a painting that sold for $300 million. That is quite amazing. You could go house with that. Once you get... You have someone to hang that painting.

But once you get to that, like, once art starts to have these truly insane values, like, it, it isn't, it's this amazing thing of like, it's in every, all these rich idiots who buy these things. It's all, it's in all their best interests to keep paying huge amounts for these things, to keep fooling people into these things, to keep falling people into thinking that they're worth that, right? Like it's this self-reinforcing thing where they're just pumped value into... Yeah, by spending 300 million on one painting, do you think it could help increase the value of the rest of your collection? That is actually a really good point. Maybe it would, so say you've got six

gogans out the back, right? And that last time you checked, they were worth $50 million each, right? Then you see one comes up a sale, you go out there, you spend $300 million on it, right? Suddenly, those ones you got out the back, they're cranking up in price, right? $200 million, $250 million, right? That's, that's, that's that's this is this is how to make money if you or I think we talked about that on the podcast like like motivation for the already hyper successful how to take it to the next even higher level get richer quicker yeah that's That's a great idea. I don't know if we...

I think we already talked about it on purpose, but... Great, great. Man, we're going to come up with ideas. Four, go back in time mentally. So this is much more complicated, but this is the thing where you can go back in time mentally and experience a moment from your life and it's purest clarity, but it does cost you years of your life. And so one guy goes through and he experiences the first two days with his wife who passed

his life. I don't know if it's even days, I think it's like moments. You could see that moment that you guys met and you guys first talked. Yeah. Right. And then one guy and then the next guy goes back because he did so that he can try steak flavored chips again that you know ruffles. Yeah. Discontinued it years ago and he never got to have it again. He had it once. Yeah. Anyway. Five. And calms back and he's like, he's like, ah, so good. I wasn't quite as good as I remember. But, but it was exactly as I remember. Yeah.

Like the way I remember it. To be honest, I thought it, I thought it might have been better. I thought I might have been misremembering. Maybe it was the chips and gravy one. Maybe it was the chips and gravy one that was really good. I'll go again He comes back he's not even older. No, it wasn't a chip and gravy Did they do a coriander thing No, you would

Ruffles that's not ruffles wouldn That's not ruffles, wouldn't it, done that? Maybe red rock would have done that. Oh, tomato sauce. Is it tomato sauce? I might have dipped it in tomato sauce. That's what it was. Oh, did I put the steak ones with tomato sauce? Because that sounds like it would work. Because I remember thinking they weren't that good.

And I'll dip them in some sauce. Still to make it better. Here I am. I'm back in here's another 50 grand. Another 50 grand. Another 10 years of all-off. And then the sixth one was... Oh no, no.

Fifth idea is absolute minimum wage. Is that the scientists found they thought that zero was the minimum wage, they could pay somebody, but they found that there were places in which you could find that the absolute minimum wage is 273 points. I mean, really, it's probably like this. There's something deeply satirical in that Alistair. I don't even want to analyze what it is because I think it'll be too sad It's great. I like it, but let's just leave it But I can't wait to film this

Okay, and number six look it's got some some similarities to number four, but It's you know, it's kind of like a philosophical question I sketch a type of ideas would you give up a year of your life for a moment a brand new you know Italian moment with a helmet and a side of this could be a kind of like a twilight zone style sketch where the devil actually appears and offers a man this this fastie and choice or whatever it is or that man you know the man who shows up in that in that sort of urban legend the man who shows up with the button that you can press and you get a million dollars and it kills someone you know what's that guy doing in between you know like I'm you know He's probably got a few scams going. He's got a few things going. He's probably got the mo pet thing

Go on spending here. You're like I mean if you can push a button get a million bucks You can probably I don't feel like pushing a button getting a million bucks. Okay, I have a dish I'm gonna just swap here for a moment.. Or would you turn this knob for a moment, giving up your yellow? Or would you flick this switch and you get supervision, but hairy back. He's basically like a, you know, like, would you rather kind of go?

All right, that's. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, thanks for listening to Two In The Thing Tank. Um, Alistair, would you like to ask the listeners to... Hey, Radisson. Radisson, I change. I change. And, you know, leave comments, and we're trying to become successful. So, you know, any part that you can play in that...

Oh, would be great. No, if you like to podcast, tell people about it. Leave us a good review on iTunes Yeah, and force people to listen to it and yeah, follow us on Twitter. Alice Day. What's your Twitter at? Alistair TV, which is ALA SD I are the Celtics spelling the Celtics spelling and And mine is stupid old Andy Stupid old Andy. Thank you very much for listening, everybody. And we love you.

We love you and take care of yourselves. Thanks for listening to an hour of us talking.