Two In The Think Tank - 540 - "FOUR SIDED CUBE"

Episode Date: August 27, 2026

Flow Province, Face Mask Tongue Depressor, Cube Tube, Getting Suckled by a Hippo Reality Show, What Reality TV Show? Execution Style Encore, Fish Eye Boy, The Ship of Theseus'd Brain Intelligence, Living Furniture , Beauty and Beast but the Furniture Can Shit, First Cop to Search Computer with Internet Get tix to Al and Matt's Canada tour here.Listen to Alasdair's Bobby Logs Stories for kidsYou can purchase A Listener hats by emailing [e-mail] out the sketch spreadsheet by Will Runt hereAnd visit the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here(Oh, and we love you) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Bing, Bing, Bing, Bang, Bing, Bang, Babi-Bing-Bing-Bong-Bing-Bing-Bing-Bing-Bing. Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing. Hello and welcome to Two-in-the-Think thing. The show where we come up with Five-Sketch Ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair Trombly Virgil. Is you making fun of the noise I was making in the start of the podcast? Andy, I wasn't mocking you in the slightest.

That's my art. That's my music. Andy, I got to tell you, I was so into my bings and my bings and my bongs that I don't think I took in almost anything that you did. I was into your bings and bongs. Well, early on, I knew that what we were doing together obviously worked really well. Yes. And then after that, I just went, I went into the flow state. Oh, mate, when you get in that groove, you start the flow.

I'm in Canada now. The flow province. Really good. Thanks. Right off the top of the dome, that one. Yeah. Toronto flow. Orto one flow

Orto one flow I'm sure you could find a way to do that as a joke on stage Yeah And your Canadian audience are going to love it Yeah You could say something like

Why Why doesn't Why does Canada I don't know, make some political comment. It feels like it has to be a comment about Canada, you know, specifically,

and it's got to be sort of like, maybe something about being in a state of denial about the America, about their relationship with America, and they go, oh, sorry, a province of denial. Or, you know,

like, if it's, or something about that, you know, Canada's independence, they're like, you know. 51st province.

Does anybody talk about the US of A as the seventh province of Canada? That has been a thing that has been done. Did I correctly guess the number of provinces? I don't know, Andy. This is the kind of stuff that I don't have a strong knowledge of. You know what? But off the top of my head, I can't tell you the number of them in Australia either. And neither can I.

There's not many. And I have heard this information. It's the territories. It's that there's territories as well. Yeah. And you're like, that's what messes you up. Yeah. I know that there's a quantity.

And the quantity is like five or six or seven. Yeah. Or maybe eight. But a quantity of what? And does that include the other stuff? And sure I could work it out. Give me a pen and paper and half an hour. I could figure it out.

Yeah, yeah. And then maybe. Get me in a room. And then maybe I look it up just to double check. Yeah. Yeah. I can get access to this data if it matters to you. Ten provinces, Andy.

Do you want to try and name them? Ten. Ten provinces. Well, you guys haven't even named them? All right. I'll do you a favor. I'll do it for you. Quebec.

That feels like that would be right. Yeah, that's a good name. You guys can have that. That sounds like you. Alberta, New England New England is a state of the United States Yeah Or is it the 11th province

Well while we're here While we're talking about Canada I should mention that an episode of Do Go On has just been released That I did a report on the When the Canadians burnt down the White House During the War of 1812 And this is a preamble to them actually

coming to Canada. Yeah, and if any of you are in Canada in one of the cities of Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto, Montreal, and I think that's it, then me and Matt are going to be doing a stand-up show there that you could attend and that you can find tickets to either on the Do Go On website or I could probably find a link can put it in our show notes. That's what I was supposed to be putting a link to in the most previous, the most recent episode. And I knew there was something and I forgot. I'm sure that's what I should have put a link in that.

That's okay, Andy. It's okay. We should get on to the sketch ideas, Andy. I feel like I did. I made one joke at the beginning and then derailed us for 10 minutes. Well, and ironically, it was about being in flow. flow in a province of flow but you know you derailed our um you know maybe we shouldn't call it a train of thought you know yeah because trains don't flow maybe it's right you uh diverted our river of focus um that's right with onto a flood plane a bank of distraction

how do you feel about the word levy of distraction Levy? How do you feel about the word levy, L-E-V-E-E-V-E? Yeah, I don't know enough about... I know levy as in like an extra charge, a tax kind of thing. But I don't... I can't picture a levy. I imagine there's a lot of water in it. Yeah. So, I mean, I first came across it, first encountered it in Don McLean's American Pie. Okay.

I put my Chevy to the levee. Yeah. The levee was dry. Okay. So it sounds like it could be like a river. It actually sounds like a French word. It's L-E-V-E-E. I think it's like a, I think it is like a dam, like a reservoir or something like that word with V?

L-E-V-E-E-V-E-E. Oh, oh, Levy. Yeah, it could be. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And it would have something to do with... It sounds like it could be like close to a word for lifted. Oh.

Levy. Lived. you know to like block the water that'll be it that'll be what it is I find it should I find it sure derived okay wait has two distinct meaning an embankment built to prevent a river from overflowing mm and a formal morning reception held by a monarch or a leader of a rising so wait so the embankment built to prevent a river from overflowing so then if you went If you drove to the levee and the levee was dry, that's good.

Because it means that the river hasn't overflowed. River hasn't overflowed. I reckon it might be one where the Americans use it a bit differently. Or Don McLean, when you're writing like a 15-hour-long song, you've got to bend some rules at a certain point. You've got to just like, you know, you don't overthink it. You just slap it all down. Yeah, but then we think about this.

Because I think whenever I've seen Don McLean talking more recently, that there's also the possibility that he could just be an idiot and he didn't know that it was the bank holding the river back. Have you seen him talking recently? Is he not smart? I think in the last 15 years or something like that, he's being one of those guys who complains about just stuff. He was on a morning show and he was,

oh, yeah, people these eyes kind of thing, but in the American, you know, you're like, whatever it was. I don't know. I was like, oh, I don't know if I want to hear this guy talk. He's not saying much. He's just saying the same things that everybody says, you know what I mean? You know my feeling about opinions, Andy? You're entitled to your opinion, but it's got to be your opinion.

It can't be just repeating what other people are saying. It's a good opinion. Opinions are like assholes. Yeah. Once you get over about 50,000. Oh no, was it like after after you get over 45, you should have it checked by a doctor regularly to see if it's healthy? Yeah, I think that's good, Andy. And so it is derived from the French word laveille, meaning raising or an embankment.

Yeah, there you go. um that is sort of like the the the the government coming out and saying that over the age of whatever you've got to get your bum checked by a doctor is sort of like uh a new sort of age of consent that's the age of compulsory but stuff you know it's like yeah we've you've now aged out of the consent window and you're back into or you're into a new one. Sort of like, yeah,

like the, the baby version where, you know, there's just some things that parents have to do. The parents have to go and clean the junk

of the baby. They got to wipe the butt. Things like that. Because you're at a point where it's, you can't, you can't go without, you can't go without

somebody doing that for you. Yeah, it's now the government's business. You can't be trusted. You can't, um, yeah, be left,

uh, left alone with this thing. You need oversight. You can't be left alone with an empty butt. Look, anyway, we've done too much proctology gear recently. I'm sorry for taking us back to that province. Are there other parts that the doctors

say that they absolutely need to put their fingers into after a certain age? I don't know what they... I don't know what that there is. No. Yeah. Well, let's see. don't have to put their fingers between your toes.

In your mouth. I reckon once upon a time they would have been shoving their finger in your mouth until they invented the tongue depressor. Yeah. Oh, you think they, yeah, until they, yeah, where they just put their finger in and then they push your tongue down?

And you go, a tongue depressor is like a little, it's shaped a lot like a little wooden tongue. It is sort of like a Frenching Pinocchio, I imagine, would be, would be a little. a lot like... Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, do you think that he had a full-on wood... I guess, yeah, but it was... I can't imagine it was unpainted. I find the... His tongue, I imagine... Yeah, hit me. I imagine that you wouldn't paint the tongue because you wouldn't be expecting it to be on public.

You need it to be red or pink or whatever. You're pinoza. Making a marionette. I think they should make... and now I'm moving away from Pinocchio because I've remembered he's a little boy. Remembered his little boy and I don't want it to be about kissing him.

But I do think that they should have... He's also a marionette. He's not a real boy. Doctors should have a... I thought what a kissing Pinocchio, the real boy. When he's still a puppet. Yeah, no, that's true. I've made it clear.

He still has a wooden tongue. I think you know how like kids sometimes will have like a different kind of doctors implement to make them feel safer about it like I don't know I can't think of any examples off the top of my head

but let's say the stethoscope has like iron man's heart thing on it so the kid doesn't kids excited to have it pressed against their chest so the doctor can use it right what about adults who are scared of the tongue depressor.

And so the doctor... Looks like a big cigar. Has a big human, wooden human face that they're with an openable mouth. Okay. And he basically uses the face to sort of trick you, seduce you into, kissing your mouth.

And then he sticks the tongue depressor tongue out through the, faces mouth and presses down your tongue and looks through the mouth hole. That's good, yeah. Maybe you'd have a little camera on the end of the tongue depressor. Yeah, oh, that's good. So that way you could see, you could really get a good look at that uvula or whatever it is. And this would be the tongue exciter, you know, because depressing.

It's about time. Before you can depress the tongue. But it does depress it with the horrible flavor that it has. Because it's like they've got terrible mouth feel. And that's why it is truly depressing. Because you thought you were kissing a beautiful, handsome man that you'd just met in the doctor's. Yeah. But then as soon as you taste that tongue, that wood on your tongue, you realize you've been deceived yet again.

But there's no reason why he couldn't be wearing like a plastic mask that has sort of like like some of the latest stars of film and music. That's true. And have a plastic tongue depressor come out. Yeah. Which would be much more pleasant on that. I think in terms of a single-use plastic, I think that this is a great use compared to the awful tasting wood.

You know, doctors would be able to have a better look than they've ever had maybe over the last 200 years. Yes. You know, at least as far back as when, you know, consent wasn't a thing and they could really just open up your mouth, but, you know, using six guys to hold you down and crack your jaw. Yeah, and pull your cheeks back and pull your tongue down or whatever to really have a look at the back of your throat or whatever.

Yeah. Yeah, I think so to some kind of wood or plastic celebrity mask. A very kissable celebrity. Paul Giamatti. Paul Giamatti, maybe Stifler's mom. Yes. Jennifer Coolidge. Yeah, like maybe like a 2000s or 97 or whatever, whenever it was, maybe it was 2001 it was released.

2001. A Space Odyssey. Stifler's mom mask that, you know, that the doctor still has. back from there from a promotion when they released American Pie and he does the voice and everything oh

oh oh look at you of course she was a bit more coy she wasn't you know she wasn't herself as much as she is these days in that movie yeah uh yeah she hadn't gone

she hadn't fully blossomed that's right she hadn't they hadn't figured out how to use her as well as they do now. You know, like they did in, say, the Minecraft movie. Did you see the Minecraft movie? No, no. Was she good in that? I mean, she ended up dating a villager at the end there.

Oh, that's great. Yeah. Was it a villager with like a big square head? Yeah, yeah. and sort of the hook nose. Right. So, because some of the characters in the Minecraft movie are like sort of flesh and blood humans.

Yeah, they're people from the real world. Right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who in Minecraft has got a cube. That's true. You know, that is one of the changes from the game to the thing. But then also in the movie,

you actually can't control any of the characters. So that's also different. Yeah. That's true. They don't give you like a keyboard or anything like that. Yeah. And it's on a big screen instead of on a sort of computer TV. It was written rather than programmed.

Okay. Yeah. A couple of things. Have we talked about the fact that cubes? Yeah. Oh, we've talked about this. Have we talked about cubes? Do you know what I'm going to say?

I can't imagine there's another thing to say about cubes, but you go ahead. To me, it feels wrong that they have six sides. I hate that. I really hate that. Either have four or have eight? Exactly. But don't have six. Six?

Where's this six coming from? You know what just occurred to me? It's two for every dimension. Well, that doesn't help. I know. But it lets me know how many a four-dimensional cube would have. It makes me feel like something's gone wrong with the universe. That feels like a glitch.

Yeah, absolutely. And maybe we do have to count time. Maybe a cube has two faces in time as well, and that's why it should have eight, you know? Yeah, no, I agree, a time cube. But until you can roll a dice, and roller and I seven

when it lands time side up I don't think I just can't rolling a dice you're at the I'm at the casino

you're playing craps hey you're thinking I'm definitely going to win here this is a craps table yeah I'm shooting

craps yeah and then imagine if that's what That's what James Bond did instead of... Instead of poker? Instead of playing poker or baccarat or whatever it is that he plays in... Does he play baccaneo royal?

I think... I think... Yeah. What's your pussycat? What the world needs now? It's not unusual. No. No?

No? That's... I mean, it's Tom Jones, right? Yeah. That's a playing a game of Jones. Are they not... I mean, what's new pussycat is a backer-out composition? It's not unusual.

Could be a Hal David joint. Howell David? Howell David. That's his writing partner. It's not unusual. Song by Tom Jones. Written by Les Reed and Gordon Mills. Ah, the first couple of show business.

First recorded by a then-un-uner- unknown Tom Jones. He just walked in off the street, just out of the darkness. Nobody had an idea who he was. Didn't ask him his name. He said, what are you doing in here? And he started singing the lyrics that were on the, on the sort of the lyrics holding stand.

When they went into the mic. He finished, did one take, walked back out into the darkness. Nobody even got his name. When it hit number one, they said, we got to find this guy. Yeah. Why didn't somebody ask him who he was? And they couldn't. They couldn't.

He was too busy walking into other recording studios, picking up lyrics, sheets, and singing. It's a music he'd never heard in one take. The guitarist has been cited as Limmy... Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin. Oh. On it's not unusual. Yeah.

That's crazy. I thought you said Limby Page. The session in his online dystography. Yeah, I did, and then I changed it. Okay. I'm sorry, look, these are bad. The ace of page!

The ace of page! Great stuff. Jimmy Page. The very page that, not the same page as Tom picked up when he walked into that studio. Is there anything else in, is there a sketch idea in this cube thing?

Yeah, I mean, this fucking cube. We want to. had a sketch idea, which I've recently saw listed on the thing that I was thinking about filming, which is about a guy who doesn't believe that when you mix

blue, he can't believe that when you mix blue and yellow together, it makes green. It just doesn't make sense to him. And I feel like this is kind of in a similar vein, a guy. Maybe it's even the same guy, Andy. Yeah. He sees six.

Yeah. And it's it just seems wrong. and he's maybe he's trying to he's trying to fight it at least mentally maybe he's arguing with guys in a casino he's he's rolled he's rolled a six or he needs to roll a seven

to win some kind of yeah but he's like can somebody get me a four face cube get me up this is like this dice has six faces dice should have four this can't be or eight this can't be this this is this is this cut this dice is rigged this is invalid yeah it really should

just go to one one to four though yeah i wonder what that would look like let's try and design one okay let's design a cube with only four faces yeah well i feel like you only i mean i guess you could people out there are going like oh you could make a triangle you could make a pyramid one you're like that's not what we're talking about. No, I'm talking about a cube. But I mean, you guess you could just make a cube. A real cube. Yes.

Which is just, but which is a, which is like a square tube. A square tube. Yes. So that, so that there's. It has no ends. There's no ends. Oh. Oh, yeah.

Cube, tube. Tube. Yeah. That's good. And you know what? Maybe we have to put some sort of little spring-loaded thing in there somehow. I'm not sure exactly how we do this, or maybe we do it with magnets, which basically means it won't land on one of the ends when you roll the dice. If it gets close to that, it just keeps on bouncing, baby.

Keep on bouncing. I think if you miss it and it just lands on. the whole, you got to yell, moment of peace. Oh, that's good. You know, because it's like nothing actually has to happen and you just get a moment of peace. Yeah, moment of peace. Everyone can look at their phones. Yeah.

Yeah, Alan, look at your phone. Oh. Do you ever think about that, like about like how, you know, when you picture your own death, you picture that you'll probably be in bed and then some people that you love might be there by your side. and your breathing will get slower or whatever and they'll be looking at you and crying. But then in reality, they'll probably be looking at their phones

and you'll probably be looking at your phone. All right? Yeah. And it means that the thought is like, oh, well, there's not going to be any regrets at the end of my life. I'm going to be watching reels. You know?

I'm going to be deep in a real binge. Yeah. Now, you know, people are going to be saying, do you have any regrets, you know, like they do? Like the hospital regret asker. Yeah, and when they say that, I'll go, I'll sort of passively aggressively take an earbud out of my ear and go, without fully taking your eyes off the, off the, off the. the screen. Yeah. The way in which children's eyes are magnetically drawn to the TV.

Yeah. And like that thing of like, you're trying to talk to them and you're like, look at me. And they're just, they turn their face slightly towards you and their eyes swivel, basically into the back of their head to keep looking at the screen is very, it's, it's cartoonish. It's absurd. Yeah. It seems fake. But they...

Do you think they're just doing it for a joke? It's a little overplayed in my humble opinion. Could be nature's big prank. In the Truman show where he's a baby, do you think they were still pretending? Do you think everyone was still acting around him when Truman was just a baby? Because at what point, because if not, I mean, I guess we kind of do that.

We kind of like say stuff around the baby that you wouldn't say normally. Yeah. But I guess, but for the viewers at home, you had to make it seem like it. That would have been a tough few years, though, of like watching those first few years. Oh, then you're just,

you're basically just acting like in a scene with other people, you know. Yeah, and you're kind of having to create. Storylines. Oh, this baby's sick. You know, you're having to like make it sick. Make it, make it interesting somehow. Yeah.

Confect some drama. Yeah. Oh, mom's got mastitis. You know? And then you get to see her dealing with the pain of having like blocked milk ducts like that. It's all swollen and red and she's got a fever and stuff like that. And she's got a like massage. her boob until the

yeah until like it you know and like get the machine on there going until like it pulls it clear whatever like that well it would have been a good stuff that would have got you got would have got a couple of days out of that storyline for sure um and

you know it would be good storytelling because you've got to have a reason because he's adopted the mom wouldn't actually have been lactating you need to have some sort of you know what's up with her boobs everyone's to be wondering. Oh, do they, does the audience know that he was adopted? That's a good question.

I think they do, don't they? Could have been, could have got a wet nurse to play the mom. Positively, an absolutely sopping nurse. One of the, this is the, one of the most drenched nurses we've ever seen. She was actually immersed in water. Something that Andy would actually say, it's not wet. It's not wet. She was, she was, just had a,

nostrils above the surface like a crocodile. And each nipple. I can't be sure, but imagine being suckled by a hippopotamus. It feels like it would be great. Which part are you not sure about it? Oh, you're kidding, about it being great. Yeah, I mean, their mouth would probably, a baby could probably fit its mouth in your head.

I mean, its head in your head in its mouth. a baby hippo. Yeah. Well, that's not what I'm proposing. I'm proposing you fit an adult hippos, no, being suckled by. So you're not feeding a hippo. Oh.

A mother hippo is feeding you. You're being raised. See, this is just like, I'm taking a class, and then you're teaching the class, right? So wait, I'm being suckled by a hippo. that actually means they're giving me milk? Yeah, that's right, yeah.

To suckle something is to, that's crazy. But the babies are suckling on the hippo. Yes. Well, they're sucking on it. Are they suckling on it? I think so. To be suckled. I think, yeah, I think if you are suckled by an animal,

it's the one giving you milk. But you know what? This is very important to check before you sign up for any kind of reality TV show or anything like that. The ambiguity of the word suckled, you know, suckled by a wolf. You think you're going to go there and just like chow down on a wolf tit and nothing could be further from the truth. I mean, you've got... This is crazy, guys. I signed up for the getting suckled by a hippo reality show.

And I'm just finding out now that it is it suckling on me. And this is crazy. That's not how that word works. And now I'm going to have to feed an entire baby hippo. The whole show is who keeps the hippo alive the most based off the fluids that they get out of the... Out of their body. we it's a it's a 70 episode we've been picked up for 70 episodes and it's like uh what's that the show that they have it in in Australia where it's like you're just camping somewhere and you

don't know what everybody else is doing alone it's alone it's alone it's like alone so you're just alone with this with this hippo alone with a hippo is what it's cool yeah but you know what it's like when when when you go when you're alone with this hippo when you put into the ring with a hippo it's suckle or be suckled that's right and and you obviously have as much food as you you get all the soup you can eat oh wow right you get all the soup you can eat because they got to keep you hydrated so that you can suckle this hippo which is a hungry animal as you may have heard you get all the food you can eat but the hippo is not allowed to touch that food yeah they only i mean i mean when you come back

out of you. When you come back into the enclosure after, after, and it can smell the food on you. Yeah. The hippo does get a little. When you say the enclosure, this is the, you're going into a hippo enclosure. Yeah. I'm now picturing that you're out there in the wild. I don't know why the hippo can't get food from the wild, but you're out there in the wild.

And there's, the enclosure is like actually, it's the soup enclosure. It's a, it's a cage where you go in. into and you eat your soup the hippo could watch and then you're dreading coming out because you know what's going to happen when you come out those doors how how big do you think this hippo is going to be because i've seen a baby pygmy hippo hippo obviously yeah what was his name deng dang what deng oh my dang yeah something like that dang my dang yeah something like that Dang Mai? Yeah.

And something, dang for short. Yeah. Ding Xiaoping? Oh, I don't think so. I think that's the former president of China. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dang. Wait, wait.

I can't do it. I'm trying to, I can't forget it. I can't do it. I was trying to do Chiang. Mu-Dang. Moodang. Moodang. Mooding.

Moodang. That was good. Yeah, it was Moodang. It was definitely Mooding. What about? Dangki Moon? I don't know what we're doing. Good stuff.

Only good stuff. What about Jim Kare-Ding? I just reckon, I don't know what you're doing now. I reckon a hippo. I'm just trying to take a non-Asian name and I'm adding dang to it. Right. I reckon a hippo. could really, you know, because men don't normally lactate, right?

But maybe that's just because babies don't want it enough, you know? They're not sucking hard enough. It's in there. The milk's in there somewhere. Well, there's blood in there for those with strong enough lungs. Sure, sure, if you want it. And so it's just about the hippo, which we've discovered is the animal that can suck the hardest in nature.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Just like, imagine that you are just, you are just bleeding through your nipples. Like, they are sucking blood through your nipples. And then you've got to eat a lot of soup to replace that blood. You know, it's good, it's formulated soup that's there to, you know, stimulate blood production. So don't worry. Yeah, don't worry.

Don't worry. Don't experience the emotion of worry. Yeah. Yeah, and then you get to the end of the series, and you emerge from the Tasmanian wilderness. Yeah. In the Tasmanian wilderness. Of course.

Where else would you bring a hippo? On your emergency extraction thing, satellite phone, the boat comes across the lake to take you away. You say, I can't do any more. You can't do any more, and you say, how's the TV show going? How are the ratings? And they say,

what TV show. And that's the TV show. Just that bit. Yeah, that's good. Just that boat ride back. Yeah, that's really good. And that's, the whole TV show is just people coming back from along things that they thought were a reality TV show. Being filmed.

And then being told that what they did wasn't filmed and it wasn't part of the TV show. This is the only part that's part of the TV show. even, you know, for alone or whatever, for those shows, even if they do actually film it, they should at least, just for a bit of extra fun, do that, you know, get to the end and then say, what TV show, you know, they can still release the normal TV show, you can still have filmed it or whatever,

but just do the little what TV show, trick at the end there, just get a little bit more out of them. And sometimes, and if you do it all the time, right then people will expect it now and then sometimes you can actually not make the tv show yes exactly you're going to have to sometimes not make the tv show to keep it interesting otherwise people are just cotton on yeah it'll be like it'll be like the whole um you know encore situation at the end of concerts everybody expects it now and it's just not fun just going through the motions oh you know what actually for those concerts things this is what they're going to have to do

they're going to have to raise the stakes, right? So it's going to have to be like, get to the end of the concert, right? And then like, guys in balaclavas come onto the stage and execution style shoot every member of the band through the back of the head, right? Okay, yeah, that's good. The body's slumped to the ground.

The crowd's like milling around. Whoa, whoa. But then they get back up and do an encore. That's it. That's exciting for those who stayed back. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. The ones who weren't trampled as the crowd. As a crowd fled or whatever. You're like, now that's an encore. Yeah. Then, you know, people will cotton onto that, you know. And you'll get pretty good at like having really realistic, like,

brains being splattered out all over the stage and stuff. But then you're going to have to, like, go, you know, like, oh, then you, like, literally put all the band members into a giant blender and blend their bodies up into just, like, pulp. And then like, someone comes in with a cup and scoops up some of the pulp and goes and shows it to everyone in the audience and go, look, see. Look at that. They're definitely gone. They're definitely gone.

Then it puts it into a rock star shaped mold. Oh, and then they emerge. Fills it up through a funnel. Yeah, great. And then puts it under a UV light and cures it. Oh. And then opens it up and it's a Jimmy Page. Jimmy Page

And he's floppy He doesn't have The bones He's definitely floppy But imagine How limber he'll be Those Those sausage fingers

Crawling up and down The neck of the guitar Like the tentacles of an octopus I mean you're going to see The drum solo I mean the drum solo The guitar solo of your life He's been all blended up

And so now his bone is mixed in With his flesh And so There is a bit more strength to the overall meat that he's got there. But at what cost? Or at what cost? Not at a cost to his playing, it seems, according to his solo that brought a tear to my eye.

According to the reviews in Pitchfork, the concert reviews. Yeah, that's good, Andy. What about, you know, some goggles? Goggles for keeping a liquid in. to your eye. Yeah. I mean, if you were a fish boy, you'd love that. That would obviously make sense if I was a fish boy or just a fish eyed boy.

He's my fished boy. And it's a story about a girl who has a boyfriend who has fish eyes. Yeah. This was after he lost his human eyes in a, maybe in a fishing accident. Yeah. And a local, all they had nearby was a fish doctor. and so he grafted on fish eyes

yes the fish eyes from one of the fish that he caught onto his face so the fish doctor also oh no it's one of the boys one of the boy the boy caught the fish I would I mean it doesn't have to be you can you can change it if you're seeing something there

no I thought you were suggesting the doctor caught the fish and then I was like he doesn't seem like a very good doctor no yeah yeah yeah but maybe he catches them heals them and then throws them them back. Well, that's right. He might, he might, maybe he's discovered that going for, uh, hooked bait is like a symptom of being a bit sick in the head or something. Exactly.

For the fish, you know, and so every catch is a new, um, uh, patient. And you do have to be patient to fish. There you go. You have to be fish patient. Um, okay, you know, it'll be be great for our fish boy, fish eye boy. We already have the lens to film all the point of view shots, fish eye lens. It's going to be really, it's going to look great. But then we're going to have to put like a sort of a blue tint on the thing and make it look like you're also looking through water now. A fish boy eye lens.

Yeah, well that'll be a new thing. Well, that's cool because now we're revolutionizing cinema. cinema filmmaking filmmaking um yes what do you think is the longest

movie you would watch in one sitting oh um you've done three you know one yeah I mean once you get up to three hours

it's really pushing it but um yeah I mean I haven't watched I haven't watched a full movie in such a long time.

Yeah. I haven't been to a cinema in ages. I would love to. I've been to the cinema more because it's so cheap in many places here. Really? Yeah, during the day

you can often go for like seven, eight bucks at least on the south shore. That's great. It's like over here it's like 30 bucks or some shit. I mean, like I'm glad cinema is dying.

I'm glad these, you know, these meeting places, these chapels to art. I'm glad they're closing down. Yeah. Burn them. Sure. I mean, I do enjoy still seeing a movie like that. For me, it's like one of the few ways that I will watch a movie all the way through.

I would love to. I would love to do it. I'd love to get out there getting them seats. Get them. Seats. Is that what you're going to? But now all these big. movies everyone's excited about that are coming out.

They're all sequels to things I haven't seen the first two of. Like The Odyssey? Is that because it's a sequence of the I haven't seen The Iliad? I haven't seen The I haven't seen The Odyssey. No, I haven't seen it. I was supposed to see it with my brother and then he turned out he secretly went and saw it on IMAX without me. But also I just can't get away as much. But no, no, it was fine.

but I also just have been finding it difficult to get a night out. That's the kind of betrayal that Homer would have written an epic poem about. I mean, it's a beautiful thing. It's like I'm experiencing my own Odyssey. I ought to see it at IMAX. The other day I was talking to my brother's partner, Andra, and we were talking about dumb phones and how it's like because I was saying I was like isn't it crazy like you're like

oh that's it I'm going to get a dumb phone I'm going to be one of these people gets a dumb phone and then you look them up and then you're like all these new dumb phones are all like $700 or $900 and you're like and then inside yeah and then she was like is it called a dumb phone because I'm dumb for buying it and I was like I was like don't be surprised if you see me doing that on stage in a month's time or whatever.

But it is insane. Like just why? They're like, ah, yes, we've finally figured out the solution to all the problems. It's even more expensive than the incredible technology that's in a smartphone. I mean, that's the one feature that they weren't able to get out of the phone is the very high price. That's right. don't be surprised if you do that on stage,

yeah, yeah, that's one of the... I won't be surprised. It's one of the most difficult things to extract out of the smartphone is when you're pulling things out, if you don't have the high price, it actually the whole thing falls apart. Like, you can get smartphones for fucking cheap as well, right? Yeah.

Like, there are people out there making them for insanely cheap, and they're not very good, but that's the whole... That's okay. I don't want it to be good. I want it to be bad. Exactly. I just don't want to have to pay 700 bucks.

I know. I think it's because they're like, hey, we're like, hey, we're making you a, oh, sorry, you go. No, no, no, no. I was just going to say, because they're often making you a dumb phone, but they're like, we're going to put a feature in there so that you can still get your messages from all the various things. And that's such a pain for us to do that it's like, that it costs an extra for $500. a phone. But that's also, also that can't be it.

That can't be it. I saw one thing, oh, what was it dumb? I was dumb.com, right? And if you're in the U.S. There's this company at dumb.co. And you can get a dumb phone, but you have to, but you have to be on their plan,

but the dumb phone is like $20. Whoa. Let's see. Yeah, $20. phone hardware and then the plan started $16 a month. It's the dumb phone to it and it's a real old school like almost like Matrix style flip phone. Actually it's not the Matrix style because that one had a sliding thing that came.

Oh yeah. But anyway, I was like, oh shit, I wish I was American for just that one reason. Which just reminded me of another thing. I'd heard that the original intention of the of the twins there in the, of the, for who making the Matrix. The Wokowskies. The Wachowski's. Yeah.

That their first original intention was that the that the robots weren't using the humans as batteries. Yes. But they were using them as like data centers

to run their... No. Yeah, but apparently the idea was that maybe that was too complicated for people to understand. Because it actually does make a lot more sense

that the brains were being used because they're such efficient kind of computer style things. Yeah. Yeah, and we only use 10% of our brains. We only use 10%. There's 90% left for free processing. Just for computers to do,

to run anything they want. Solitaire, a notepad. Do you, like, with this thing of like uploading our brains into, computers and achieving immortality, a sort of digital immortality,

that I think some of the tech people are now sort of saying, hey, that's kind of what this is all about. That's sort of where we're going with this. I think Peter Thiel would love that, right? That's going to be really fucking insane when that starts to happen. Because somebody will do it, right? And it might not, like, someone will upload a digital version of a brain, and it'll be a shit version, right?

it'll be some weird computerized approximation of somebody's brain. But once they do that and they start claiming that that's the person, right, and people can communicate with that version of the person through, you know, digital interfaces or whatever, that's going to be crazy. Because we also won't be able to prove that it's not conscious because it'll be such a... But they won't be able to do it. But I can't imagine that the consciousness can exist outside of the biology. Yeah.

Yeah. You know? And what's it going to stop it from just getting mixed in with all the other kind of AI stuff that they probably have to use to extract it or whatever? Yeah. You know, like it's not going to be just the person. It's going to be a mixture thing. I think you're just going to get, like, it's just going to be data that's just going to get absorbed into a bigger AI. Yeah.

into the vat, just slopping around in there with all the other data. It's not, yeah, I don't think it'll be that different from the idea of like a pluribus thing. But you won't have a connection back to your own body, I assume. Yes. Unless you just, you can only do it by being connected. I think probably the only way that we can do any of this stuff is by slowly but surely changing body parts until you've, like, ship of Theseus, your own brain and body. And if you're still operating stuff, and I can't imagine how you would still be feeling things

if you're removing, yeah, if you're removing sort of organic parts and putting in electronic parts. But, yeah, I think, and then the only way that you can have that, then, yeah, you could have a brain operating like that is by doing it like that. and then whatever is left operating on that, that will be the brain itself. But as soon as you get it mixed in with the muck of the internet and everything like that, I think that's going to get spoiled straight away.

So it has to be kept away. And the tech that they put onto into your brain, that's probably going to have some of its own onboard, like software or something like that that will be messing up, mucking up everything anyway. Yeah. And then like whatever reality you're living in, the terms of that reality

will be completely determined by whatever billionaire owns that reality. And I just can't ever imagine wanting to live in a reality that is, mate, I tell you what, right now we do bloody live in a reality that's owned by billionaires, but one that's even more than that.

One that's where they actually, like, to live in fucking Elon Musk's version world, it sounds disgusting. It would be disgusting in there. Yeah. I mean, they're all awful. And just even the idea that, like, you know, people have said, like, well, the reason why the chat bots are like that in there. so complimentary and stuff like that is because that's what those billionaires are used to people being like around them yes right they never disagree with you

they just go oh my god great idea yeah yeah another genius whoa what a what another great business idea yeah yeah i don't know yeah i mean it would be terrible to to contemplate and of course no matter what company is doing it, they're going to be trying to maximize profits at some point. So there's always going to be some little freaking thing in there that's going to be collecting data and that's going to be,

you know, like the U.S. government's going to have a back door into your brain. There's going to be, you know, there's no positive thing. You can't allow them to get through the blood brain barrier. Unless maybe you've had some incredible damage to your brain. fence. And look at this. See how I've seen, like, you know, like you've, as soon as I say, oh, unless you've got had some, like, you know, huge damage to your brain or whatever, like, you don't want

to be able to walk again. But then as soon as there's one vulnerability like that, then they can just say, well, actually everybody's got a vulnerability with their brain. And therefore, we should all be doing it. And you're like, oh, good one, fuck oh. You got me. All right. Stick it in there.

Go on. You're right. we are all flawed, aren't we? Go on. Alistair, have we written down five sketch ideas? I mean, there's stuff there. There's stuff on the page. Yes, that's what I need. So let's go to three words from a listener. I don't know if you know this, but people who support us on Patreon for $3,

they can send in three words from a listener. Often that listener is them. Yeah. This time, this listener is Emily Aubrey. Emily Aubrey Emily Aubrey Hello Emily It's one of the happiest moments in my life

When I get to say that Yeah And it's one of my happiest moments When I get to hear it, Andy Hello Emily Hope you're well This is what Emily says Three words

Colon straight to the point That's not the words The words are They're written And then you have to guess what they are Okay I always forget I don't know how many times

we've done this, close to 500 and can't ever remember that's what I have to do. Okay, first word, morning, M-O-R-N-I-N-G.

I thought you were going to be close, but no, the first one is decorative. Decorative. Okay, all right, okay. Now think, Andy, think. Guess accurately. Skin. second word is skin.

Oh, very far away. Large. Decorative, large. Last word. Wart. I'm going back to the skin, trying again with the skin sort of angle. Look, you're wrong, but I think this thing can have a wart.

It's a monkey. Decorative, large monkey. Yes. Now, do you think it's a living monkey who you have, like, in your house as decoration? Or it's a big, maybe a big sculpture of a monkey that you have in your house as decoration? Okay, let's see. I think it's a living monkey. Yes.

I mean, is a pet just like a decorative person? Huh. You know, like, is it kind of like a way of... Having a person in your house, but you don't have to meet them. You don't like a decoration. You don't have to introduce them to your parents. You don't have to clean it. I do like a world in which all furniture, right, and all items in your house are living.

You know, maybe, you know, instead of a coffee table, we've genetically engineered a wombat to sort of be that shape. and it can't walk but it is alive and it does you do feed it and it does shit or maybe it can walk but right before you use it you use a kind of like special taser on it

yeah great and that paralyzes it for sort of half an hour or whatever yeah good and when it starts to kind of like you know when it's 26 minutes in and you kind of start to start to twitch a little bit you gotta zap it again to buy by yourself another half hour

yeah good and you know overnight right maybe they sort of like all the all the furniture in your house furniture f you are well spelled like regular furniture but it's furniture with like it's got fur on it um they're all sort of fucking each other yeah and it smells like monkey in there yes and you have to train them as well i mean i've never successfully trained a dog and i've had several. But imagine if you had to train every item of furniture in your house to, like, you know, you had to train your bookshelf to stay up against the wall. Oh, yeah, and it keeps dropping all the books.

Yeah, and that's your fault because you haven't trained it properly. But would you yell at the bookshelf? Oh, you're bastard. Or try to hit it. Pick those up. And the RSPCA comes around and says, you've been... You've been spanking this bookshelf. Yeah, this horse bookshelf.

Look, it's terrified. And the bookshelf is quivering there. Yes. Little penguin novels or novellas maybe are sort of falling off. Yeah, and those novellas, they're real penguins, by the way. Yeah, and they're like, what have you been feeding your bookshelf? You can't just feed it the dry horse food. you've got to give it

you got to give it raw meat carnivorous horse charnivorous bookshelf yeah yeah no I like I like I want to live I'm excited to live in this future yeah what would be the benefits of it

what do you what do you actually get out of this sex that's happening in your house at night time you know obviously I mean they probably can protect your house as well sure you know but unless like some rustlers come on through the night and like sort of uh like get them all into the back of a truck it's almost uh what it'd be like to be like the beast from

beauty and the beast yeah like did did the like the sentient um um armoire or whatever he had did that still shit did he have to clean up after those creatures yeah like yeah the teacups they all shit in everything, like on the saucers. Yeah. Yeah. They never show you that, did they? That's what they should have put in the live action version to make it more interesting. Yeah, the teapot lady is like shitting in their own pot.

You know, and you don't check it before you open it up. Yeah. They're like, excuse me, sir. You might want to clean out the inside. I've done a doo-doo. That was beautiful. It was a beautiful edition. You got the part.

Thank you, Andy. Thank you. What do you reckon? Is that the sketch idea? It's a beauty in the beast, but all the furniture and objects can shit. Can't help but shit. Yeah. Be our guest.

Be our guest. What my ass first. That's the best. We'll call it beauty in the best. God, that's good. No. I mean, why is it called that? I don't know.

The best is because they're the best for being a bit more realistic. Yeah. And that's what's good. That's what we love about living in our reality, not Peter Thiel's digital reality. Yeah, I mean, look, I got to throw my computers into a ravine. Big fire. The trouble is, you throw your computers and your phones into a river, people think that there's something awful in there. Yeah They find it They take it straight to the cops

You go no You'll just find my old Half written scripts Yeah And sure they're awful But not in the way That you thought it was Yeah

And And you know What's on there Is the internet That's what's in there And on there Just the awfulness Of

My own failure Oh imagine that A cop The first cop To open up somebody's computer that's connected to the internet to see if there's anything bad on there. Oh. Doesn't, you know, and he like opens up a search bar and he looks for anything like illegal.

He doesn't know what it is. Yeah, so he opens up a search bar and he goes, look at this. It's filled with pornography and awful illegal pornography. Like that you go, that's not on my computer. That's you just searched for that on the internet. I'm looking at it. It's right there on your computer. A likely story.

You've just looked all of that up. You put that on my computer. computer by just searching those words. I saw you downloading that Tor extension to get onto the dark web. Ah, sure. Yeah, of course. Why did you have a

tour extension inside your computer? Is that what it is? Tour. Is that how you get in the dark web? I think it might have been one. Okay, should I take us through the sketch ideas? Yes, please.

Wait, with internet. Okay, well, we've got obviously Flo Province. Not quite a sketch idea, but we had to write it down. It took 10 minutes away from our show. Yeah. We've got a wood face or plastic face mask to a tongue depressor for doctors so that they can kiss you with this either celebrity or famous person's face or maybe a character like Pinocchio.

it would make sense in the wood thing, but maybe an adult Pinocchio. He's grown in to be... He stopped being a real boy, he became a real man, but then went back to being a marionette, realized that he shouldn't have been trying to be something that he wasn't. Got the fairy lady to...

Maybe he made out with the fairy lady. He's an adult now, and she's like, I actually liked you better when you're a marionette. And then he goes back to marionette, and they have a cut. You know, they have a healthy relationship where he gets to be who he truly is. Not who Jepetto wants him to be. That's nice.

I mean, this would have happened after Jepetto died. He didn't want to break the man's heart. Yeah, you would wait, wouldn't you? Yeah, but Jepetto's ghost sees it and he's crying. We've got Cube shouldn't have six faces. So we come up with a cube tube, which is finally a cube with four faces. we got the getting suckled by a hippo reality show yes

where you got to go alone and be with it but really you are the one who's suckling it right um yeah yeah i mean that's right it's the one of the two have have got it wrong but the person who the person who signed up thought that they were going to be drinking from a hippo and not have the hippo drinking from them right

then we've got the being told you weren't on a TV show reality TV show that's good stuff that's where they put you in an awful situation for a long time when you get back they say what TV show that we got

we got shoot band members to trick audience into thinking they won't be an encore you know what the part about this I think is amazing is after everybody's seen them dead and people have run away and some people have stayed I guess for some reason yeah I love that that's when they go they start deciding to clap to try they're like look it's obviously not going to happen but they start clapping and then eventually the they get

up the corpses yeah corpses get up and they start to play yeah play their best song that they haven't played yet fish fish eye bowl which is a kid who lost his eyes in a fishing accident and a fish doctor put fish eyes there and now he wears goggles just to keep the water around his eyes. We got the ship having your brain ship the Thesist Theist in order to have a, you know, a consciousness, an electronic consciousness. Um, we've got the living furniture that you zap to paralyze. Um, then we have Beauty and the Beast, but the furniture can shit. And we have the first cop to search a computer with the internet and he finds a lot of bone on there. A lot of shocking stuff.

He keeps searching for. Everything I search for is on here. If I look at... I can't believe you've got all of it on here. Anything I can think of, any three key words I can put together, I search it on your computer, and it's on here. You are a sick, sick asshole. Actually, I'll just search that, and that's also on here.

And... So listen to Alistair's episode of Dago on. To go on. Canadian's burning down the White House. Bobby Logg's stories. Listen to Bobby Log's stories. Bobby Loggion. You can book tickets to Alistair's comedy show.

shows with Matt Stewart all across Canada. All across. And in every one of the ten provinces. Yes, we're doing four shows in all ten provinces. No. Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto, Montreal. That's so great. Yeah.

That's awesome. When my wife gets back from Australia, then I'm going on a little trip. Good stuff. Particularly by tickets if you're living in Calgary. It's a little bit quieter. And that's a place with Gary in the name. That's right.

I'm sure that's why they chose it. Matt's going to be devastated if he had. Cal Gary. That's how Matt's calling it. And you know what? What's that, Andy? We love you. We love you.

See, everybody. Thank you. Bye. Bye.